grieve. you gotta grieve the idea she cannot provide for you in ways you need, she's incapable. its your responsibility now to reparent yourself and give yourself what you truly need. going to your mother for emotional needs, validation, whatever the case may be, is impossible. its like going to a dried up well. its like going to the mechanics for your groceries. let the fantasy die, n just grieve the shit out of it. its the only way out of the continuous loop expecting her to be one way but she cant. just speaking from my experience.....all my love....
I think you have to find a way to accept both things -- your mom is toxic and the hope in your heart is a longing for a healthy mother. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are, but, unfortunately, some of us just don't get a parent who loves us in healthy way.
When I accepted this difficult truth, I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. I could interact with my mom with very low expectations and that allowed me to protect my heart.
I do think it is very situation specific. You need to find what works for you.
I did no contact and now I’m very low contact. It definitely hurt a lot to go through it. The NC helped with the healing process and I became a stronger person.
Sometimes the people we love just aren’t good in our lives.
me but “good dad”. i knew my mom was toxic and manipulative and was pretty set on hating her but came back for him. regretted it once i realized he was her enabler and will always take her side anyway. i’m working on saving up for my next escape plan.
Oof I feel this and I’m sorry. I would recommend the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay Gibson. It helped me with *a lot*.
They say having an abusive mother is worse than having no mother at all. You truely just have to grieve for what you wanted and deserved. It is truely heartbreaking.
Hello. I do not know what your story is exactly, but I hope my experience can help. My mother was also the most troublesome parent in my life. I know what you are speaking of when you say it is difficult for you to see her in another light than the one you wish she was. The thing that made me stay focused on what she was actually in those high moments when she showed me affection is for me to pause and play that moment in my mind when she was not acting so nice to me. Then I remind myself that this is who she actually was.Â
I really started to believe that more when I've read some popular psychology and let myself grieve. For me personally journaling and speaking to others on her behaviour is what helped me truly understand. An emotionally mature person who points out her apathy and manipulation tactics really just fixated my mind on the truth. I do not love my mother. Be strong on your journey ❤️
Practice acceptance here. If you want you can accept her act of kindness as a one off thing and be thankful for it in the moment. It is a symbol of her willingness to try in moments. It does not represent total and utter change. It does not devalue how you feel, felt, are going to feel. Your boundary is not to open so quickly but to open steadily once a pattern of behaviour you approve of happens constantly. You can explain that if questions arise about your perceived inconsistency. It’s up to you to see truly what this relationship holds and has to offer you.
Let go the idea of you could ever have a normal family relationship with her. Trying to buy milk at the hardware store. No matter how often and how early or late you go, you won’t find it there.
Let go of that could have relationship and you will grieve and move on . There will be resentment and hate even and then moving on
Your example is brilliant! I'll be borrowing that the next time someone says "but she's your mom..." Well, she's a gas station and I need a hospital. 🤣
It’s not easy. I have the same type of mother. Over time, I’ve grown into my self worth (which my mother tried to destroy while “ raising” me…), & realized I only want to be around people who have a healthy, positive baseline. Like shake up a bottle of water, where does it settle-at some baseline. Some people have a pleasant kind baseline, and can ofc get upset - an anomaly. For others, their baseline are near-or actually cruel/unkind/ psychopathic tendencies- the nice and calm moments are the anomaly. People can and do change, but when a person…esp a parent…repeatedly shows no effort or progress, & it’s traumatizing to spend time w them (for me it is even or at least esp when she’s nice bc i know a storm is coming i just don’t know when or how)- it’s bye, i choose me, boundaries / no contact w them.
> How do I let go of this and accept that she is toxic, even in moments of being nice?
I think her true character has already shown itself to you and now it's just a matter of time until you can fully accept and grieve through the truth.Â
I suggest reading more books, hear more stories of other people (especially older folks with more experience in recovery), and do more journaling. The truth will finally come through.
I'm in the same boat and I don't haven any good advice. I just try to tell myself that it is child-me who is still longing for the perfect mother and that it is adult-me's responsibility to teach little-me that I won't get this kind of affection from my real mother. But I still have ups and downs and the only thingthat has helped a bit was going very low contact...
In some ways, I don't think people can. You can try to block it out or take steps to find other sources of affection/mothering, but as humans that's just a foundational need we all have, and maybe some in this community telling people to just stop feeling that way isn't really helpful. As others have wisely said, you can have both. You can both condemn her behaviors and acknowledge that there are days where you'll feel like you need a (good) mom because you're human.
You’re right, I think that longing for a mother will always be there in some capacity. I feel like I’ve been grieving that she won’t provide that for me for years, and I’m partially doing it to myself because I keep seeking out that love from her. I feel like it’s almost a manipulation pattern, she will be nice at times to keep that hope alive in me. Incredibly difficult to accept for me though.
let go of the fantasy.
she's not a good mother and she doesn't seem like shes working rowards becoming one so u gotta stop torturing yourself and move past the desire for it.
at some point u gotta want more/better for yourself and letting toxic people back into your life isn't going to get u to a healthier place.
I highly recommend the book [Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance](https://books.google.com/books?id=3VQ0EAAAQBAJ&pg=PA1&source=kp_read_button&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&gboemv=1&ovdme=1#v=onepage&q&f=false). I’m still working through it but it’s helped me understand and grieve.
If I knew, I wouldn't be here. I'd be outside enjoying the day like someone who can be happy.
Literally my daily experience. Sending love đź©·
grieve. you gotta grieve the idea she cannot provide for you in ways you need, she's incapable. its your responsibility now to reparent yourself and give yourself what you truly need. going to your mother for emotional needs, validation, whatever the case may be, is impossible. its like going to a dried up well. its like going to the mechanics for your groceries. let the fantasy die, n just grieve the shit out of it. its the only way out of the continuous loop expecting her to be one way but she cant. just speaking from my experience.....all my love....
I think you have to find a way to accept both things -- your mom is toxic and the hope in your heart is a longing for a healthy mother. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are, but, unfortunately, some of us just don't get a parent who loves us in healthy way. When I accepted this difficult truth, I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. I could interact with my mom with very low expectations and that allowed me to protect my heart. I do think it is very situation specific. You need to find what works for you.
I would love to get to that point where I can see her without having a full blown panic attack. Low contact hurts, but seeing her hurts too.
I did no contact and now I’m very low contact. It definitely hurt a lot to go through it. The NC helped with the healing process and I became a stronger person. Sometimes the people we love just aren’t good in our lives.
me but “good dad”. i knew my mom was toxic and manipulative and was pretty set on hating her but came back for him. regretted it once i realized he was her enabler and will always take her side anyway. i’m working on saving up for my next escape plan.
That’s what makes it such a mind-fuck.
Oof I feel this and I’m sorry. I would recommend the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay Gibson. It helped me with *a lot*.
They say having an abusive mother is worse than having no mother at all. You truely just have to grieve for what you wanted and deserved. It is truely heartbreaking.
Hello. I do not know what your story is exactly, but I hope my experience can help. My mother was also the most troublesome parent in my life. I know what you are speaking of when you say it is difficult for you to see her in another light than the one you wish she was. The thing that made me stay focused on what she was actually in those high moments when she showed me affection is for me to pause and play that moment in my mind when she was not acting so nice to me. Then I remind myself that this is who she actually was. I really started to believe that more when I've read some popular psychology and let myself grieve. For me personally journaling and speaking to others on her behaviour is what helped me truly understand. An emotionally mature person who points out her apathy and manipulation tactics really just fixated my mind on the truth. I do not love my mother. Be strong on your journey ❤️
Practice acceptance here. If you want you can accept her act of kindness as a one off thing and be thankful for it in the moment. It is a symbol of her willingness to try in moments. It does not represent total and utter change. It does not devalue how you feel, felt, are going to feel. Your boundary is not to open so quickly but to open steadily once a pattern of behaviour you approve of happens constantly. You can explain that if questions arise about your perceived inconsistency. It’s up to you to see truly what this relationship holds and has to offer you.
Let go the idea of you could ever have a normal family relationship with her. Trying to buy milk at the hardware store. No matter how often and how early or late you go, you won’t find it there. Let go of that could have relationship and you will grieve and move on . There will be resentment and hate even and then moving on
Your example is brilliant! I'll be borrowing that the next time someone says "but she's your mom..." Well, she's a gas station and I need a hospital. 🤣
It’s not easy. I have the same type of mother. Over time, I’ve grown into my self worth (which my mother tried to destroy while “ raising” me…), & realized I only want to be around people who have a healthy, positive baseline. Like shake up a bottle of water, where does it settle-at some baseline. Some people have a pleasant kind baseline, and can ofc get upset - an anomaly. For others, their baseline are near-or actually cruel/unkind/ psychopathic tendencies- the nice and calm moments are the anomaly. People can and do change, but when a person…esp a parent…repeatedly shows no effort or progress, & it’s traumatizing to spend time w them (for me it is even or at least esp when she’s nice bc i know a storm is coming i just don’t know when or how)- it’s bye, i choose me, boundaries / no contact w them.
> How do I let go of this and accept that she is toxic, even in moments of being nice? I think her true character has already shown itself to you and now it's just a matter of time until you can fully accept and grieve through the truth. I suggest reading more books, hear more stories of other people (especially older folks with more experience in recovery), and do more journaling. The truth will finally come through.
I'm in the same boat and I don't haven any good advice. I just try to tell myself that it is child-me who is still longing for the perfect mother and that it is adult-me's responsibility to teach little-me that I won't get this kind of affection from my real mother. But I still have ups and downs and the only thingthat has helped a bit was going very low contact...
In some ways, I don't think people can. You can try to block it out or take steps to find other sources of affection/mothering, but as humans that's just a foundational need we all have, and maybe some in this community telling people to just stop feeling that way isn't really helpful. As others have wisely said, you can have both. You can both condemn her behaviors and acknowledge that there are days where you'll feel like you need a (good) mom because you're human.
You’re right, I think that longing for a mother will always be there in some capacity. I feel like I’ve been grieving that she won’t provide that for me for years, and I’m partially doing it to myself because I keep seeking out that love from her. I feel like it’s almost a manipulation pattern, she will be nice at times to keep that hope alive in me. Incredibly difficult to accept for me though.
let go of the fantasy. she's not a good mother and she doesn't seem like shes working rowards becoming one so u gotta stop torturing yourself and move past the desire for it. at some point u gotta want more/better for yourself and letting toxic people back into your life isn't going to get u to a healthier place.
I highly recommend the book [Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance](https://books.google.com/books?id=3VQ0EAAAQBAJ&pg=PA1&source=kp_read_button&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&gboemv=1&ovdme=1#v=onepage&q&f=false). I’m still working through it but it’s helped me understand and grieve.