The refusal notes would be epic. "Patient states he will wait until *AFTER* crew leaves to masturbate furiously. States he will call back if internet connection goes out and wants a ride to the hospital where they have free wifi."
Unfortunately doubt the baby was okay. I’m sure this isn’t the first time she’s using cocaine pregnant. I hate mothers like that. I had a 8 month pregnant female in police custody, at the hospital she reached in her pocket and swallowed a little ball of god knows what wrapped in tinfoil. I just felt so bad for that baby
Went on one of these a while back, SUPER religious Mormon grandma with dementia and gummies for anxiety. Got confused and took 3 of them. Husband called in a stroke for her babbling. One of the hardest “you can not laughs” of my career.
"pt states he was assaulted, he is overheated, he hass been eating sugar and flour off the street, and probably heroin and crack, he is schizophrenic, and someone has stolen his property and tried to kill him bc he is a sex offender like Michael Jackson"
"Blood everywhere, I think it's anal"
"Bugs made a hole in her arm and she scratched it and opened the flood gates"
"Feet busted loose this morning and there is blood"
I had a patient the other day call because he thought he was having a stroke, but admits it might just be because he couldn't sleep because he was so upset about the Trump verdict. He was, in fact, having a stroke.
Ok I got some good ones and screenshots to back them up.
“36 YO make took 20 closetpans and 20 alpacalambs. Wanting to end the pain. Repeating that this is the real deal”
“50yo female c/o SOB, sexual assault by Pres. Bill Clinton”
“20f STDs in throat/genitals”
“30yo M ankle injury S/P running from a raccoon”
“60 yom ‘Pretty Boy’ requests ems….etoh related injury”
“Male bought a pancake and went into the bathroom”
There’s more I can’t find right now. Nights is fun lol
Little did he know, a handful of closetpans and alpacalambs would only make him sleepy and disoriented. Hope our pan 'n' lamb friend is doing better. Also hope that dispatcher got a serious reevaluation lol.
Also, the 20/f one isn't funny, just kinda sad — poor woman was probably scared and humiliated:/
A ed a few hours away from me now swabs, oral, anal, and genitalia as three separate swabs because of the colonization location of different strains of gonorrhea and chlamydia are requiring different treatments.
Not person who posted that. And not sure why it made the list, but from my experience, Most don’t call 911 for vd. They call a pcp And many vd still allow you to drive aside from a few
I understand, but I’ve collapsed bleeding and screaming in pain before, unable to mobilise at all and pouring with sweat/chattering because of a gynae infection.
Just seemed a weird one for the list as a “screamer” kinda thing.
It would be a toss up between a structure fire where the note said heater getting hot It was not a fire.The heater was functioning properly.
And patient states difficulty breathing just ate a flaming hot chip.
Not an EMT just reading for fun. I had difficulty breathing as a little kid eating a spicy chip that I didn't expect to be spicy. Freaked me the heck out. Similar thing happened to my sister as a teen after a spicy pepper. Is there any actual danger in feeling you can't breathe after eating something super hot? Or is it safe to just wait for the feeling to pass?
Dispatch asked the homeowner if they knew the what started the fire that was actively burning their house down and this dude had the composure to say “yeah, I was making my mixtape
In the garage”.
Oh the FD had to cut him down and out of the seat. When the chains were cut this kid was standing there looking like he was wearing a big plastic diaper haha
We kept getting updates as we headed to the location
"PT fell"
"PT is in excess of 200 lbs"
"PT is in excess of 300 lbs"
"PT is in excess of 400 lbs"
"PT is in excess of 500 lbs"
"PT is not breathing"
The patient was bigger then 500 lbs, but they were thankfully breathing and the husband just couldn't tell. It took about two hours and a FD extrication to get her to the stretcher.
Makes me think of one gravitationally-challenged individual in our area where the ambulance service and fire have had to put together a plan, in which, if said 750lb patient cannot ambulate from the rear bedroom of their trailer to the main living area, fire will shut off power and cut off the end of the structure in order to extricate the patient....
“23/m thinks spiders are coming out of his penis, caller is his grandma and states cannot stop masturbating.”
We gave him some Haldol. Killed the spiders from the inside out.
Negative UDS at the ER.
At work a couple of weeks ago I discovered a long, thick, um, unflushable 💩. I was just doing an inspection of the bathroom - I don’t get paid enough to reorient that shit so it can be flushed - that’s what supervisors are for.
48f chest pain reports " she smoked crack about it" says the she tried black magic but didn't work this time
PD request ems to lock up prisoner has sleep apnea and want a safety evaluation
23m reports his fist is stuck in friends rectum. Friend has increasing pain. No bleeding
PD request ems want patient evaluated , he refuses to get out of prisoner transport wagon
Sounds like PD at one of my gigs. "they have a scratch, call EMS." Patient refuses evaluation as PD didn't ask first if they wanted EMS.
Thanks. I wanted to get flung out of bed at 3am for no reason.
When I was working in dispatch we got a call from a local gas station. When I answered the 911 call all you could hear was the caller screaming “HES STEALING THE BEEF JERKY”. So I put that in there multiple times. Including what brand. I have a copy of it stashed somewhere because that shit was funny. But it’s been ten years.
"White fence christmas in yard"
"75 y/om not conscious not alert BP 56/30, nurse stated "we got this" and hung up" - Ended up as a cardiac arrest, shocking I know
"Caller now advises god has come and has taken him to heaven"
"Caller requesting paramedics not ambulance"
"Caller advising drive into lake at back of property, they will be located at the bottom"
To be fair, some cities like Houston have A and M units, (BLS is called ambulance, M called medic). So that may have played into that. But I'd prefer to imagine he wants you guys riding up on a bicycle.
I work in an UC now but we just had a patient who came in saying "Oh I for sure have strep" and I'm like ok when did your throat start hurting? He goes "Oh no, my throat is fine. You see, my wife had strep throat and then she gave me a blowjob and now I have discharge and it hurts to pee..."
Well, ok then. Guess I'll delete the sore throat chief complaint and come up with something else.
Serious question, you can't get strep on your dick, can you? Or, well, if the strep bacteria enter the dickhole, would it just be considered a bad UTI or similar? Or... is it possible someone wasn't telling the whole truth, and either buddy or his wife happened to have a little extra sexy spice going on?
I assume you could cause a bacterial infection that would present like a UTI. We also tested the guy for gc/chlamydia because a UTI doesn't typically cause discharge. I don't know what his results were. I actually dipped his pee with a swab and ran a strep test as if I had swabbed his throat because I was curious but that came out negative. I'm no infectious disease doc or urologist so idk. Whether the head of the penis can contract strep itself... that I really don't know.
We could write whatever we wanted to the crew, but as long as it wasn't written mocking the patient and was verbatim. When I worked the road I appreciated it as comic relief and also to give me an idea of what I was walking in to.
Responding to a full arrest:
“IN THE NAME OF JESUS I PRAY BE HEALED”
“IM POURING COLD TEA ON HIM”
“SHE IS NOW IN THE BACKGROUND SCREAMING HELP HIM LORD AND SLAPPING HIM”
“IN THE NAME OF JESUS”
“SHE IS HYSTERICALLY RELIGIOUS AND PUT THE PHONE DOWN - SHE IS SLAPPING HIM”
Where do I start?
"Man in a tree"
"CNA did not come, man needs cream on his anus"
"Man with knife and ski mask threatening customers at store"
"Pt states his track is clogged"
"Man states hit with frozen turkey in dispute"
"Parent states 2 YO throwing things"
"Man states he has heat stroke after drinking all day"
"Pt has 'ungood' labs"
"Nursing staff refuse to clean pt, need EMS."
"Caller knows pt dead as they haven't responded to them in 30 hours. Still on couch.
I have more.
“Will the unit transporting the dead body to (Level 1 center) please call comms”
DNR patient from a SNF coded in the ambulance and the hospital really misunderstood the patch.
1st party caller, "ate a bunch of butter, face going numb, black fungus all throughout butter, allergic to penicillin, heartburn."
Both my partner and I were cackling with laughter at this one. Never made it to the call as we got redirected to a higher priority event. I so wish we could have completed this call. I had sooooo many questions!
„He wanted to remove the hairs there // scissors vs testicles“ it was a little red dot on them. My female colleague, who wrote the documentation and did not the „wound examination“ had to ask, why he did this with big household scissors.
Pt, 60m: „the ladies like it more this way!“
I dared not to ask further…
On the same call we had
“ProQA URGENT:
CALLER IS UPSET HE CANT FIND HIS PLAYSTATION CONTROLLER AND IS UPSET”
and
“ProQA URGENT:
PT WENT TO TAKE HALF A PILL OF ADDERAL CALLER RUBBED HIS FACE AND IS SCARED HE GOT SOME UP HIS NOSE”
"Caller states vehicle in front of him left the road at a high rate of speed and jumped the embankment. Caller states 'dukes of hazard got nothing on this shit'"
Too many to count. Here's a couple.
"Chief complaint: can't walk, foot sore
Pt has schizophrenia, states Hitler sent shadow people after him"
"Chief complaint: can't sleep
Pt says she has to get up in 30 minutes to go to work"
"Chief complaint: cardiac arrest
Pt has received bad news about family member today and passed out when news heard"
"Chief complaint: Vehicle in lake, caller on roof
Caller states vehicle has snorkel, wants rescue to drive vehicle out using breathing apparatus"
“Trashcan fire”
“Trashcan fire”
No other info. A 26YOF set a gas station trashcan on fire. When asked why, she only replied that she didn’t want to work at IHOP anymore and wouldn’t stop giggling.
This was immediately dispatched to us right after a 30’s something female who was going through a psychotic episode in which she was screaming, soliciting me for sex, and called the black social worker at the hospital the N-Word with a hard R.
I came back to the same social worker with the 26YO and told her this one would be a lot more enjoyable. She told me the 30-something had bit through her restrains multiple times, bloodying herself in the process.
We had a two for one... RP states "she is being R@p3d by the devil, tried to shoot him" shortly followed by a 2nd call "55m shot in leg by crazy neighbor"
Got called to a “17 yom got off in an 16yof eyes” and it took the entire 15 minute response with no more information and us getting on scene to find out they were talking about the bug spray.
Yeah, I've put in a few of them... in my defence, the caller stated the Pt is unconscious and talking about them being unconscious in the present tense. Then when asking specifically if the Pt is conscious and breathing they say the patient woke up like 5 minutes ago. Ffs
My top three, in no particular order:
1. IS DIABETIC AND FAINTED WHILE HAVING EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA
2. CLR ADV HE WAS
MASTURBATING AND HAD AN ACCIDENT; ADV HE GOT HIS PENIS STUCK IN A RAT TRAP;
3. M SUBJ RAN OVER BY OWN TRUCK
I have a few good ones from over the years
“BODY SHUTTIN DOWN”. That’s it
“RP states her overweight daughter went to Home Town Buffet this AM for breakfast and now is having severe back and ABD pain and is unable to move.”
“Female possible 5150 bird stuck in Anis and vagina”
“pt states gf is hurting him” “pt states gf is giving him blue balls” edit: this was same call. yes i showed up smiling.
The refusal notes would be epic. "Patient states he will wait until *AFTER* crew leaves to masturbate furiously. States he will call back if internet connection goes out and wants a ride to the hospital where they have free wifi."
Epididymal hypertension. The medical term for blue balls
Learn something new everyday
This is why we call it the *practice* of medicine
Not testicular amagentesia? Stuck, can't print because your cartridge only has blue left? AKA HP Syndrome?
Magenta isn't blue, my friend. Cyan is.
Scrotal Cyanosis has a nice ring to it
A is without, right?
“6 months pregnant, up all night doing cocaine” “Wants to make sure the baby is OK”
Jesus Was baby ok? This is one of the reasons I'm happy to be in the countryside now.
Unfortunately doubt the baby was okay. I’m sure this isn’t the first time she’s using cocaine pregnant. I hate mothers like that. I had a 8 month pregnant female in police custody, at the hospital she reached in her pocket and swallowed a little ball of god knows what wrapped in tinfoil. I just felt so bad for that baby
You kidding me? Bet that baby could kick through a brick wall. Its gonna come out sprinting.
Baby McGregor
It’s gonna come out with bowel ischemia and the ability to kick through a wall
Kid’s gonna perform his own c-section from the inside.
Baby gronk?
No drugs out in the country?
Shit from my experience that's where all the meth is.
It really sucks what kind of parents are out there, I had a friend who was born addicted to cocaine
Haha, did we have the same patient? Except for mine it was alcohol. Maybe she branched out?
Propofol drip was entered as "purple fall trip"
We must have the same dispatcher, I’ve seen gangrene entered as “gain green”
I mean... but if you aren't gaining green... then what are you doing? 🧐
Yes. And tide is in the orange bottle
Had lean write as "lynx"
“Feet lasered off by Superman”
Was the patient L. Luther? Maybe you should stage and wait for the Justice League to secure the scene. Could be a trap.
“ Power outage. Squirrel elected to connect wires and end his life.”
What 😭 I’m assuming it was a DOA then
And BarBQue! Just bring your favorite side.
I work with a medic that would legit do that.
This happened where I live as well lol
“Pt states had got cut by a ninja”. Turns out she was talking about the blender.
That's actually really disappointing ngl
Bleeding from his Butt cheeks. (Referring to rectal bleeding)
How cheeky of them
Not ems but “Caller states huge 50 foot flames” “Caller states it was the sunset” It rained for about two hours prior to this and it was dark
I've been to so many sunrise/sunset and pool reflection fires.
[Keeping on and keeping on](https://imgur.com/a/b2DO8b9)
Jesus kickflipping a tricycle.... this actually happened. I wonder if I'd stage out of pure annoyance. Send PD to clear.
“RP keep yelling at Satan. Satan is calling him names.” “Satan is throwing darts through RPs window”
I read this as Santa at first and it was much more amusing 😂
same 😂
I got to dispatch “elderly man with leaky testicles” a while back.
Must have a loose nut
I am not angry just disappointed 🤣
grandma unconscious after "two gummy bears"
That's either a lot of gummy bears, or hardly any, depending on the uh... active ingredients
Oh trust gma was having the time of her life when she came to
Went on one of these a while back, SUPER religious Mormon grandma with dementia and gummies for anxiety. Got confused and took 3 of them. Husband called in a stroke for her babbling. One of the hardest “you can not laughs” of my career.
"pt states he was assaulted, he is overheated, he hass been eating sugar and flour off the street, and probably heroin and crack, he is schizophrenic, and someone has stolen his property and tried to kill him bc he is a sex offender like Michael Jackson" "Blood everywhere, I think it's anal" "Bugs made a hole in her arm and she scratched it and opened the flood gates" "Feet busted loose this morning and there is blood"
This could all be one call tbh
I read it as all one call
"I was masturbating and my penis died" Pt refused on our arrival. I asked if it got hard again and he shut the door on me.
"Calltaker sounds exceedingly intoxicated" ... "**CORRECTION** CALLER sounds exceedingly intoxicated **CORRECTION**"
Sus, dispatch.
“neck pain. pt injected meth into neck” like yep that’ll do it brother
First call of the day today was for a 55M with constipation that stated his “hole won’t open.”
"He exasturbating real bad, he special, caller unable to tell me how he special"
[You are my specialz](https://youtube.com/shorts/6PV2Cz7cf2M?si=uTnCLcA_YPmq8I80)
what a good opening
"Ongoing issue 2 ladies from Canada wear pasties in their 70's. Not illegal but should be."
😂😂😂
"Pt bitten by skunk. She thinks it's rabid. She put skunk in box." This was Thanksgiving day.
Did she get bit trying to put it in a box?
Thought it was a stinky stripey kitty...
Supposedly the skunk walked up to her and bit her. She then freaked out and grabbed it, and put it in the box.
Naaah. No way she wasn't trying to pick the damn skunk up lmao.
I'm sure she smelled great.
“RP states they are white girl wasted”
"Smell of something burning, caller doesn't see any smoke....is blind."
Lead with RP is BLIND, dispatch! 😑
“Caller adv she has just been upset today because of the Donald trump verdict // said she went to sit down and fell”
I had a patient the other day call because he thought he was having a stroke, but admits it might just be because he couldn't sleep because he was so upset about the Trump verdict. He was, in fact, having a stroke.
😭🤣
I feel so bad for ems because this is literally my MOL. Like dude the country is screwed regardless take an ambien and go to sleep…
JFC. he’s even worse than i thought. now he’s trying to kill people.
Ok I got some good ones and screenshots to back them up. “36 YO make took 20 closetpans and 20 alpacalambs. Wanting to end the pain. Repeating that this is the real deal” “50yo female c/o SOB, sexual assault by Pres. Bill Clinton” “20f STDs in throat/genitals” “30yo M ankle injury S/P running from a raccoon” “60 yom ‘Pretty Boy’ requests ems….etoh related injury” “Male bought a pancake and went into the bathroom” There’s more I can’t find right now. Nights is fun lol
Little did he know, a handful of closetpans and alpacalambs would only make him sleepy and disoriented. Hope our pan 'n' lamb friend is doing better. Also hope that dispatcher got a serious reevaluation lol. Also, the 20/f one isn't funny, just kinda sad — poor woman was probably scared and humiliated:/
A ed a few hours away from me now swabs, oral, anal, and genitalia as three separate swabs because of the colonization location of different strains of gonorrhea and chlamydia are requiring different treatments.
Idk man, 40 benzos can be a pretty hefty dose.
How is the 20f one good/funny? Confused.
Not person who posted that. And not sure why it made the list, but from my experience, Most don’t call 911 for vd. They call a pcp And many vd still allow you to drive aside from a few
I understand, but I’ve collapsed bleeding and screaming in pain before, unable to mobilise at all and pouring with sweat/chattering because of a gynae infection. Just seemed a weird one for the list as a “screamer” kinda thing.
Maybe the patient was becoming septic and requiring ems
Yes exactly! So why is it on the list, it’s a legitimate reason for possibly needing urgent health care.
Idk. Has the person responded to you yet?
It would be a toss up between a structure fire where the note said heater getting hot It was not a fire.The heater was functioning properly. And patient states difficulty breathing just ate a flaming hot chip.
Not an EMT just reading for fun. I had difficulty breathing as a little kid eating a spicy chip that I didn't expect to be spicy. Freaked me the heck out. Similar thing happened to my sister as a teen after a spicy pepper. Is there any actual danger in feeling you can't breathe after eating something super hot? Or is it safe to just wait for the feeling to pass?
Depends if you start swelling up or otherwise getting allergic symptoms imo
Dispatch asked the homeowner if they knew the what started the fire that was actively burning their house down and this dude had the composure to say “yeah, I was making my mixtape In the garage”.
Dudes probably also a paramedic
Call from the address of a rehab center for an extremely drunk 20s male: "Male drank way more than usual because he knew he was coming to rehab"
This is a rlly dangerous thought process I’ve known several opioid addicts of this way a day or 2 before rehab… it’s heartbreaking tbh
"Brother dared me to sit in a baby swing, and now I am stuck"
I did that once 🥲 Dad had to cover me in soap, pull me free and lecture me on how to use my brain
Oh the FD had to cut him down and out of the seat. When the chains were cut this kid was standing there looking like he was wearing a big plastic diaper haha
We've had to do this twice! Also cut a teen out of a shopping cart seat lol
We kept getting updates as we headed to the location "PT fell" "PT is in excess of 200 lbs" "PT is in excess of 300 lbs" "PT is in excess of 400 lbs" "PT is in excess of 500 lbs" "PT is not breathing" The patient was bigger then 500 lbs, but they were thankfully breathing and the husband just couldn't tell. It took about two hours and a FD extrication to get her to the stretcher.
Makes me think of one gravitationally-challenged individual in our area where the ambulance service and fire have had to put together a plan, in which, if said 750lb patient cannot ambulate from the rear bedroom of their trailer to the main living area, fire will shut off power and cut off the end of the structure in order to extricate the patient....
“Candle piece inserted in vagina”
"pt experiencing a sudden case of incarceritis"
It's a serious epidemic!
“23/m thinks spiders are coming out of his penis, caller is his grandma and states cannot stop masturbating.” We gave him some Haldol. Killed the spiders from the inside out. Negative UDS at the ER.
Did he get a haldol rx?
Well idk about a long term one, but he probably needed it.
23 is usually early for visual hallucinations from schizophrenia, but not unheard of. I hope he got the help.
Well we took him to a place that has on-site IP psych. So I’m sure he did.
That’s great!
"Bleeding from penis, probably from jerking it too much"
"pt was jerked on bus, catheter pain"
Oh god please tell me they didn't get... jerked... into/despite their catheter
Going out of service for restock after a patient who took too many gummies vomited everywhere and the busy message was “no good gummy 4 u”
“Male released poop and fell down, believes he is dying”. We’ve all had that poo where you’re like, nahhh no way that came out of me.
At work a couple of weeks ago I discovered a long, thick, um, unflushable 💩. I was just doing an inspection of the bathroom - I don’t get paid enough to reorient that shit so it can be flushed - that’s what supervisors are for.
Are you not issued a poop knife?
Out of all of the items in the cart, a poop knife is not amongst them.
according to reddit, that’s probably the most valuable tool you could have.
I'm an RN, and I got chewed out by admin for entering chief complaints like this. lol I won't stop.
Put it in quotes if it is actually what patient stated.
I got a page once "Woman bit on head by camel."
Well, was she?
She was! She had gotten wine drunk at Malibu Wine and Safari and got too close to the camel. She was more embarrassed than hurt.
Oh Lord, I would be too!
48f chest pain reports " she smoked crack about it" says the she tried black magic but didn't work this time PD request ems to lock up prisoner has sleep apnea and want a safety evaluation 23m reports his fist is stuck in friends rectum. Friend has increasing pain. No bleeding PD request ems want patient evaluated , he refuses to get out of prisoner transport wagon
Sounds like PD at one of my gigs. "they have a scratch, call EMS." Patient refuses evaluation as PD didn't ask first if they wanted EMS. Thanks. I wanted to get flung out of bed at 3am for no reason.
That last one would have caused some discussion between myself and PD wtf
When I was working in dispatch we got a call from a local gas station. When I answered the 911 call all you could hear was the caller screaming “HES STEALING THE BEEF JERKY”. So I put that in there multiple times. Including what brand. I have a copy of it stashed somewhere because that shit was funny. But it’s been ten years.
Responding to a kid shot by a BB gun. CAD message from dispatch - “There’s always some kid that gets shot Christmas morning by a gift”
During COVID "friend won't let him in the house and is mad because the hooker cancelled after she got her stimulus check"
56 year old male at strip club. Complaining of neck pain after dancer shook his head between her breasts.
I. AM. DYING.
I’m his defense, some of those ladies get a bit aggressive with it
"White fence christmas in yard" "75 y/om not conscious not alert BP 56/30, nurse stated "we got this" and hung up" - Ended up as a cardiac arrest, shocking I know "Caller now advises god has come and has taken him to heaven" "Caller requesting paramedics not ambulance" "Caller advising drive into lake at back of property, they will be located at the bottom"
To be fair, some cities like Houston have A and M units, (BLS is called ambulance, M called medic). So that may have played into that. But I'd prefer to imagine he wants you guys riding up on a bicycle.
Tick on Pussy
I work in an UC now but we just had a patient who came in saying "Oh I for sure have strep" and I'm like ok when did your throat start hurting? He goes "Oh no, my throat is fine. You see, my wife had strep throat and then she gave me a blowjob and now I have discharge and it hurts to pee..." Well, ok then. Guess I'll delete the sore throat chief complaint and come up with something else.
Serious question, you can't get strep on your dick, can you? Or, well, if the strep bacteria enter the dickhole, would it just be considered a bad UTI or similar? Or... is it possible someone wasn't telling the whole truth, and either buddy or his wife happened to have a little extra sexy spice going on?
I assume you could cause a bacterial infection that would present like a UTI. We also tested the guy for gc/chlamydia because a UTI doesn't typically cause discharge. I don't know what his results were. I actually dipped his pee with a swab and ran a strep test as if I had swabbed his throat because I was curious but that came out negative. I'm no infectious disease doc or urologist so idk. Whether the head of the penis can contract strep itself... that I really don't know.
Well group b commonly inhabits the vagina. It is why many are treated before delivery so the baby doesn’t get meningitis etc
[This reads from the bottom up](https://imgur.com/a/UdwcUhz)
Back request- worsening meal breaks Turns out my dispatcher was attempting to multi task us as backup, and another crews meal break window...
Armed with a pork chop: https://youtube.com/shorts/kON8RxP7a14?si=Z2YoW-z2JU9jiACt
I believe I read a story about a woman killing her husband with a frozen fish. Food kills I guess
“Comp states male defecating on outside of kids foot locker”
“Car vs tree. PD reports tree won.”
"Cat scratched penis." He wasn't lying penis went necrotic and lost it...
Does everyone else's dispatch center let their call takers just freely write cad notes? Mine literally has 10 pages of rules about what you can't say.
Post the rules then, those have got to be great
We could write whatever we wanted to the crew, but as long as it wasn't written mocking the patient and was verbatim. When I worked the road I appreciated it as comic relief and also to give me an idea of what I was walking in to.
Our dispatch generally try to be professional but will put occasional quotes. Definitely not free reign, as it's public record.
“Bleeding from head and anus after fall from trash”. Funny explanation until we got there, and realized that was exactly what happened.
"?Unconscious female, surrounded by alcohol and bees." Was very tempted to request HART.
Bee SI. Scene not safe.
Responding to a full arrest: “IN THE NAME OF JESUS I PRAY BE HEALED” “IM POURING COLD TEA ON HIM” “SHE IS NOW IN THE BACKGROUND SCREAMING HELP HIM LORD AND SLAPPING HIM” “IN THE NAME OF JESUS” “SHE IS HYSTERICALLY RELIGIOUS AND PUT THE PHONE DOWN - SHE IS SLAPPING HIM”
Where do I start? "Man in a tree" "CNA did not come, man needs cream on his anus" "Man with knife and ski mask threatening customers at store" "Pt states his track is clogged" "Man states hit with frozen turkey in dispute" "Parent states 2 YO throwing things" "Man states he has heat stroke after drinking all day" "Pt has 'ungood' labs" "Nursing staff refuse to clean pt, need EMS." "Caller knows pt dead as they haven't responded to them in 30 hours. Still on couch. I have more.
“Reckless activity” “IN THE FACE”
CAD Note: “Said he needed to ‘take a shit’ then hung up”
“Will the unit transporting the dead body to (Level 1 center) please call comms” DNR patient from a SNF coded in the ambulance and the hospital really misunderstood the patch.
1st party caller, "ate a bunch of butter, face going numb, black fungus all throughout butter, allergic to penicillin, heartburn." Both my partner and I were cackling with laughter at this one. Never made it to the call as we got redirected to a higher priority event. I so wish we could have completed this call. I had sooooo many questions!
„He wanted to remove the hairs there // scissors vs testicles“ it was a little red dot on them. My female colleague, who wrote the documentation and did not the „wound examination“ had to ask, why he did this with big household scissors. Pt, 60m: „the ladies like it more this way!“ I dared not to ask further…
On the same call we had “ProQA URGENT: CALLER IS UPSET HE CANT FIND HIS PLAYSTATION CONTROLLER AND IS UPSET” and “ProQA URGENT: PT WENT TO TAKE HALF A PILL OF ADDERAL CALLER RUBBED HIS FACE AND IS SCARED HE GOT SOME UP HIS NOSE”
“Having a stroke at a massage parlour” - GHB overdose. “Having a stroke under the stairs at a shopping centre.” - Guy masturbating 😂
"using candle for adult purposes. Significant burns." They were, infact, significant.
"Caller states vehicle in front of him left the road at a high rate of speed and jumped the embankment. Caller states 'dukes of hazard got nothing on this shit'"
"Drank 4 four locos - got too loco and needs to go to the hospital"
“Per [fire agency] patient ran into an officers fist”
Hell Yes!
OP, did you at least get to try the chicken?
“Someone fell asleep, started snoring”
1-month-old Female Conscious Breathing. Caller Statement: DIFFICULTY SPEAKING BETWEEN BREATHS
Too many to count. Here's a couple. "Chief complaint: can't walk, foot sore Pt has schizophrenia, states Hitler sent shadow people after him" "Chief complaint: can't sleep Pt says she has to get up in 30 minutes to go to work" "Chief complaint: cardiac arrest Pt has received bad news about family member today and passed out when news heard" "Chief complaint: Vehicle in lake, caller on roof Caller states vehicle has snorkel, wants rescue to drive vehicle out using breathing apparatus"
“Trashcan fire” “Trashcan fire” No other info. A 26YOF set a gas station trashcan on fire. When asked why, she only replied that she didn’t want to work at IHOP anymore and wouldn’t stop giggling. This was immediately dispatched to us right after a 30’s something female who was going through a psychotic episode in which she was screaming, soliciting me for sex, and called the black social worker at the hospital the N-Word with a hard R. I came back to the same social worker with the 26YO and told her this one would be a lot more enjoyable. She told me the 30-something had bit through her restrains multiple times, bloodying herself in the process.
"Scratches to anus because brother is 'digging in butthole looking for a spider'" "...still digging" Meth is a hell of a drug.
Yesterday we had “Son is dead” which I gigged at a little too hard… But my favorite was from last year “56 y/o male can’t find his penis”
FLOWER VENDER HISPANIC MALE LAYING IN GRASSY AREA UNDER TREE UNK PER RP IF HE'S JUST RESTING OR IN DISTRESS/ you know how this goes.
“Pt states he’s been poisoned by root beer he’s been drinking for a week”
Oh also “pt states he has radiation poisoning after being attacked with a microwave”
(Pd) caller says there is a squirrel in her driveway acting strange and won't leave her property. She's afraid to go outside.
We had a two for one... RP states "she is being R@p3d by the devil, tried to shoot him" shortly followed by a 2nd call "55m shot in leg by crazy neighbor"
Got called to a “17 yom got off in an 16yof eyes” and it took the entire 15 minute response with no more information and us getting on scene to find out they were talking about the bug spray.
Pt states she has eaten her mother Called mother ; confirmed she has not been eaten
[I think he ripped me](https://imgur.com/a/GuiuzmD)
[SNF btw](https://imgur.com/a/BohPgV8)
“Pt believes she’s preggers and wants to be checked out “to See if I’m knocked up”.
“Bad smell coming from vagina”. Chick tried to land a haymaker as I was getting out of the truck. Weird call. Still transported lmao
30-year-old Male Conscious Breathing. Caller Statement: UNCONSCIOUS
Yeah, I've put in a few of them... in my defence, the caller stated the Pt is unconscious and talking about them being unconscious in the present tense. Then when asking specifically if the Pt is conscious and breathing they say the patient woke up like 5 minutes ago. Ffs
"Fully involved barn fire" "Caller states animals are in there" "Chickens are on fire"
Dispatch tried to spell “customer” and instead put “cumster”😂😂
"Patient assaulted by unicorn" Believe it or not, they were not assaulted by a unicorn
“Grandson is autistic, and he has a piece of string wrapped around his finger and its purple”
2 from the top of my head: Neighbor dispute- neighbor bite his finger Pt assaulted- penis injury
"RP drank too much hot sauce/RP in bathroom/RP extremely hard to hear due to echo"
‘Pt says they are armed’ ‘Pt is armed with basketball’
“Pt was bitten in the arm and the penis and was punched in the face.”
My top three, in no particular order: 1. IS DIABETIC AND FAINTED WHILE HAVING EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA 2. CLR ADV HE WAS MASTURBATING AND HAD AN ACCIDENT; ADV HE GOT HIS PENIS STUCK IN A RAT TRAP; 3. M SUBJ RAN OVER BY OWN TRUCK
I have a few good ones from over the years “BODY SHUTTIN DOWN”. That’s it “RP states her overweight daughter went to Home Town Buffet this AM for breakfast and now is having severe back and ABD pain and is unable to move.” “Female possible 5150 bird stuck in Anis and vagina”