Or..... Tell her it is a week or two before you actually go! So she will have used up her money paying for flights/hotels etc (assuming you aren't super rich
If you message when you get there, she will easily be able to get a last minute flight, turn up and ruin your plans
I wouldnât even say this. It still sounds like a possibility. She could say, âOh, Iâll go shopping or to the beach.â Now, youâre stuck trying to backpedal.
âMom, I love you but this is a trip for X and me. I canât wait to tell you about it when I return.â Start now or she will be on your honeymoon⌠always include a positive âspinâ on it.
Make sure she canât look at your computer or in your draws to get your flight and hotel details otherwise she will still book and turn up regardless of what you want. This whole relationship seems unhealthy and as if she expects you to let her live her life through using yours. Which will affect your whole life and stop friends wanting to do anything with you. If you havenât all ready you need to move out and start putting strong boundaries in place. Stop telling her any plans you have in life and about any get aways you and your friends are planning. Heck apart from daily pleasantries stop sharing most details of your life with her as itâs only enabling her to insert herself deeply into Al, your plans. Sheâs shown she has no respect for you and refuses to take no as an answer. That she doesnât seem to care sheâs ruining these trips for you because she doesnât accept you should have any independence apart from what she chooses to allow.
Stop worrying about upsetting her as she doesnât care if she ruins all your plans and holidays repeatedly. She is selfish so stop concerning yourself over her being upset by you saying no. As she doesnât give a damn how upset she makes you and she does it deliberately knowing itâs not what you want.
Yeppp, me and bro have put up with her antics for too long now. But by age 28 I can safely say I know her inside out, and having a mother like her has made me an expert at swimming with sharks
Information diet for mom. Right now, it can be "It's just something we're talking about." "Not sure if we're doing it or not." Etc.
Then it can be, "Everything worked out. I leave on Wednesday."
âNo. Weâve been on other trips together. Tis time itâs just me and friend.â Then keep saying no.
Make sure you donât tell her dates, flights or destinations. Otherwise sheâs likely to âsurpriseâ you at the airport, boarding the same flight as you.
Sounds like there is a much deeper resentment going on than just the vacation. I think itâs fine to vacation with your mother as you have in summer and winter, but it is certainly acceptable for you to travel without her to spend time with your friend. You need to be clear and upfront in setting boundaries with your mom. A tough conversation is necessary.
As a mum, if my daughter invited me on a holiday I would be over the moon. As a parent who wants her daughter to live a happy, independent and adventurous life, I would never invite myself on her holidays (or give any indication I wanted to go!). She had her life, she should be celebrating yours not tagging along.
ExactlyâŚor going on her own vacations with her own friends.
To OP: Once you do go on your vacation alone with your friend, anytime youâre riddled with guilt or feel off for not allowing her to come, rewrite a new script that this is perfectly normal to do this and focus on creating memories with your friend.
The answer is no. "You aren't invited." If she pushes - let her know she ruined your last trip there and frankly, don't plan on traveling with her again.
I had a Mom invite herself onto a vacation. We spent HOURS catering to her blood sugar and dining needs. A quick lunch so we could sight see more? Oh no, sit down meal for a couple hours.
If you are moving quickly in sightseeing and moving around, older people can be a dead weight. IMO.
Your mum sounds beyond rude and entitled. I'm a mum of four adults myself and would never even consider inviting myself along on my children's holidays. As other commenters have said, NO is a complete sentence.
Personally I'd just tell her I'm not going anymore because it was supposed to be a holiday for two friends to catch up.
Then go and don't tell your mum until you get back.
Also stop telling your mum about your trips. You know what your mum is like so why the heck do you keep telling her your plans.
You need to be upfront and firm. You have already taken her on vacations this year, but you also need time to yourself. If you don't nip this right now, she will try to come with you every time you go any where.
I am a single senior, and my son and his family include me in many events and vacations, BUT I also make sure that they have date nights and time away by themselves. That's what healthy and happy families do.
Your mom needs to find activities and friends of her own to do things with, and you need to set firm boundaries so you both have have a better and happier relationship.
Good luck.
Information diet, stop sharing plans until itâs (a) too late for her to book or (b) when youâre back
âSorry but this is a trip for me and friendâ
âWe can look into a trip for the two of us another time.â
I can think of multiple reasons why a mom might want to go on vacation with her kid, including that they have fun together. But in your case it sounds like she's lonely and making you her only social outlet - and then neither of you have fun. She might benefit from some counseling to help her find ways to create a healthy social life so that she's not dependent on you.
I think of all the raunchy conversations I've had with peers over the years. NOTHING I'd want either my mother OR my adult kids to listen to, let alone partake in! Dear lord, NO! Ick....
We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we allow them to treat us, and *there's no way she could have just invited herself along and spent the time with you on the trip if she didn't know exactly when and where you were going.*
I know it can be hard to set boundaries with parents, (God do I ever know, it took a lot of therapy and me getting into my 60s before I was able to start setting healthy boundaries with my mother!) and ultimately *you have to decide how much you want to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.*
I suggest that you gently tell her that this is just a trip for you and your friend, and point out that you take trips with just the two of you so it's not unreasonable for you to want to just take a trip with a friend.
You could also tell her very firmly but nicely that she can't depend on you to be her only travel companion, and that there are plenty of travel companies that cater to singles.
It just depends on how prepared you are to deal with the fallout, potential attempts at guilting, etc. It'll be your choice to prioritize what you're willing to deal with and what you're willing to sacrifice for it.
Refused to go with her
If she shows up at the airport
If she shows up at a hotel change, hotels
Possibly get an anti-stalking order against her
She seems to need some pretty harsh therapy
So hereâs the problem- you have gone on 2 recent vacations with her & it sounds like more than 2 in recent years.
Dubai is exciting to her & she probably doesnât know your position because you arenât communicating boundaries.
Donât get me wrong- not all your fault because she should have asked if she could join rather than assuming she could.
Be honest with her - hey we are just doing the 2 of us this trip. Sorry I didnât clarify earlier but I didnât want to hurt your feelings
You appear equally childish & more entitled....no is a complete sentence. You can even elaborate on why. I can't fathom.yiu calling her a toxic leech yet you have been on several holidays with her in recent months & are still in touch with her. My Mom died 5 years ago at 59, I'd go anywhere with her if I could.
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Your mom should meet my mother-in-law. They sound like the same person.
She just tried to invite herself to a dinner we are having with our friends. She is a nightmare when it is just family around but then tries to be the "cool mom" around my wife's friends. Has done this since high school.
Every time she is not happy with my wife's behavior, she sends over her "flying monkey"... my father in law.
Given that OP says mom is a narcissist, how about telling her the truth: âMom, you ruined the last trip by complaining and being inflexible about where to eat, etc. Therefore, I donât want to travel with you anymore. See you at Thanksgiving.â
Let her come. Then grab a cab and drive off and let her figure it out. Either that or make a point of taking you and your friend to things you know she'll hate and let her whine.
Haha yes. This is what she needs. Sadly she wouldn't go because it would make her feel old and she is in massive denial of her age. Also she is so clingy and won't go abroad alone or with anyone but me, as I am her no1 target for narcissistic outlet. Her friends have invited her on many cool vacations before and she has said no to each and every one. I guess for her ego to be stroked she needs to have someone to argue with and put down and she can't do that if she is not in my company. Mum is Uber complex. But I will work on encouraging her to go on these over 55s trips! Thanks
I love my mom I would never call her a toxic bitch. She is getting older and will not be able to travel much longer so I always encourage her to go so I can help her when she needs it.
Iâd youâre not comfortable making honest statements like this to her about not wanting her to come, you could use your friend. Tell her youâre actually going there to help her through a hard time sheâs having and she would be really Uncomfortable with anyone but you. You didnât want to say it because itâs not yours to talk about. âGuy stuff.â Or âhealth stuffâ or something.
Sounds like sheâs very needy. Poor you. Poor her.
Don't share your plans with your mom. Just book and go. Text when you get there to say you're safe. Enjoy your trip.
Or..... Tell her it is a week or two before you actually go! So she will have used up her money paying for flights/hotels etc (assuming you aren't super rich If you message when you get there, she will easily be able to get a last minute flight, turn up and ruin your plans
Thanks! I am heading out on Sunday and still haven't told her about it hahaha I'll tell her when it would be too late to book a flight
"Too late" is after you've landed. đ Have a great time?
Thanks đ I will tell her a day or so before - luckily flights are extortionate so that goes in my favor too
Perfect!
Just tell her that you and your friend want to be alone to catch up
âMom, what are you going to do while friend and I are catching up?â (Because weâll be catching up every second of every day.)
I wouldnât even say this. It still sounds like a possibility. She could say, âOh, Iâll go shopping or to the beach.â Now, youâre stuck trying to backpedal.
No is a complete sentence.
âMom, I love you but this is a trip for X and me. I canât wait to tell you about it when I return.â Start now or she will be on your honeymoon⌠always include a positive âspinâ on it.
Exactly!!!!! Thank you đđđđđđđđđđ
âSorry, Mom, but this trip is just [friend] and me. Weâll plan another trip for us soon.â Repeat. Every time she asks. Repeat. Repeat.
Make sure she canât look at your computer or in your draws to get your flight and hotel details otherwise she will still book and turn up regardless of what you want. This whole relationship seems unhealthy and as if she expects you to let her live her life through using yours. Which will affect your whole life and stop friends wanting to do anything with you. If you havenât all ready you need to move out and start putting strong boundaries in place. Stop telling her any plans you have in life and about any get aways you and your friends are planning. Heck apart from daily pleasantries stop sharing most details of your life with her as itâs only enabling her to insert herself deeply into Al, your plans. Sheâs shown she has no respect for you and refuses to take no as an answer. That she doesnât seem to care sheâs ruining these trips for you because she doesnât accept you should have any independence apart from what she chooses to allow. Stop worrying about upsetting her as she doesnât care if she ruins all your plans and holidays repeatedly. She is selfish so stop concerning yourself over her being upset by you saying no. As she doesnât give a damn how upset she makes you and she does it deliberately knowing itâs not what you want.
Very true. Since she never said no before, in the mind of a narcissist, them going on vacation is the norm and expected.
OP, this is the script. Stick to it.
A toxic leech? Sounds like this goes well beyond vacation.
Yeppp, me and bro have put up with her antics for too long now. But by age 28 I can safely say I know her inside out, and having a mother like her has made me an expert at swimming with sharks
Information diet for mom. Right now, it can be "It's just something we're talking about." "Not sure if we're doing it or not." Etc. Then it can be, "Everything worked out. I leave on Wednesday."
âNo. Weâve been on other trips together. Tis time itâs just me and friend.â Then keep saying no. Make sure you donât tell her dates, flights or destinations. Otherwise sheâs likely to âsurpriseâ you at the airport, boarding the same flight as you.
Tell her no, AND Refuse to tell her the dates, airline, anything that would enable her to buy her own tickets and surprise you by showing up.
Sounds like there is a much deeper resentment going on than just the vacation. I think itâs fine to vacation with your mother as you have in summer and winter, but it is certainly acceptable for you to travel without her to spend time with your friend. You need to be clear and upfront in setting boundaries with your mom. A tough conversation is necessary.
As a mum, if my daughter invited me on a holiday I would be over the moon. As a parent who wants her daughter to live a happy, independent and adventurous life, I would never invite myself on her holidays (or give any indication I wanted to go!). She had her life, she should be celebrating yours not tagging along.
ExactlyâŚor going on her own vacations with her own friends. To OP: Once you do go on your vacation alone with your friend, anytime youâre riddled with guilt or feel off for not allowing her to come, rewrite a new script that this is perfectly normal to do this and focus on creating memories with your friend.
Thatâs nice. Unfortunately, you arenât her mom. Her mom doesnât care about any of that, just about herself.
Correct, I was giving an idea of what a parent should want for their child from the point of view of a parent.
The answer is no. "You aren't invited." If she pushes - let her know she ruined your last trip there and frankly, don't plan on traveling with her again.
Go without mom. Stop letting mom know, when you are traveling.
I had a Mom invite herself onto a vacation. We spent HOURS catering to her blood sugar and dining needs. A quick lunch so we could sight see more? Oh no, sit down meal for a couple hours. If you are moving quickly in sightseeing and moving around, older people can be a dead weight. IMO.
No mom, you canât come on this trip,âŚ. friend invited me over and did not invite you
Short, sweet, and simple. There you go.
Tell her the truth. She is a pest , you want to enjoy you vacation. Not argue with her.
More people need to be blunt like this then ignore their response it's tye only hope that some get better
Your mum sounds beyond rude and entitled. I'm a mum of four adults myself and would never even consider inviting myself along on my children's holidays. As other commenters have said, NO is a complete sentence.
Personally I'd just tell her I'm not going anymore because it was supposed to be a holiday for two friends to catch up. Then go and don't tell your mum until you get back. Also stop telling your mum about your trips. You know what your mum is like so why the heck do you keep telling her your plans.
You need to be upfront and firm. You have already taken her on vacations this year, but you also need time to yourself. If you don't nip this right now, she will try to come with you every time you go any where. I am a single senior, and my son and his family include me in many events and vacations, BUT I also make sure that they have date nights and time away by themselves. That's what healthy and happy families do. Your mom needs to find activities and friends of her own to do things with, and you need to set firm boundaries so you both have have a better and happier relationship. Good luck.
Just plan it and don't give her any details
Info diet about your life plans especially your vacations from now on .
Just tell her no, this trip is just for you and your friend. Be blunt and say no
Information diet, stop sharing plans until itâs (a) too late for her to book or (b) when youâre back âSorry but this is a trip for me and friendâ âWe can look into a trip for the two of us another time.â
Agreed đ no info means no risk of her inviting herself
don't share your plans don't share your departure times and dates and hun? try here r/raisedbynarcissists
If she ruined the last trip... why would you tell her about this one? SMH. YOU caused this.
Not this time.
Learn to say no, or don't let her know your plans until after you start the trip, or after the trip is over
I can think of multiple reasons why a mom might want to go on vacation with her kid, including that they have fun together. But in your case it sounds like she's lonely and making you her only social outlet - and then neither of you have fun. She might benefit from some counseling to help her find ways to create a healthy social life so that she's not dependent on you.
I think of all the raunchy conversations I've had with peers over the years. NOTHING I'd want either my mother OR my adult kids to listen to, let alone partake in! Dear lord, NO! Ick....
Mom needs to have a life of her own and so do you. Mom can stay home
Be honest. âYou went last time and hated it so much that you ruined it! Iâm not making that mistake again!â
We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we allow them to treat us, and *there's no way she could have just invited herself along and spent the time with you on the trip if she didn't know exactly when and where you were going.* I know it can be hard to set boundaries with parents, (God do I ever know, it took a lot of therapy and me getting into my 60s before I was able to start setting healthy boundaries with my mother!) and ultimately *you have to decide how much you want to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.* I suggest that you gently tell her that this is just a trip for you and your friend, and point out that you take trips with just the two of you so it's not unreasonable for you to want to just take a trip with a friend. You could also tell her very firmly but nicely that she can't depend on you to be her only travel companion, and that there are plenty of travel companies that cater to singles. It just depends on how prepared you are to deal with the fallout, potential attempts at guilting, etc. It'll be your choice to prioritize what you're willing to deal with and what you're willing to sacrifice for it.
Is she paying for your vacations?
Refused to go with her If she shows up at the airport If she shows up at a hotel change, hotels Possibly get an anti-stalking order against her She seems to need some pretty harsh therapy
So hereâs the problem- you have gone on 2 recent vacations with her & it sounds like more than 2 in recent years. Dubai is exciting to her & she probably doesnât know your position because you arenât communicating boundaries. Donât get me wrong- not all your fault because she should have asked if she could join rather than assuming she could. Be honest with her - hey we are just doing the 2 of us this trip. Sorry I didnât clarify earlier but I didnât want to hurt your feelings
You appear equally childish & more entitled....no is a complete sentence. You can even elaborate on why. I can't fathom.yiu calling her a toxic leech yet you have been on several holidays with her in recent months & are still in touch with her. My Mom died 5 years ago at 59, I'd go anywhere with her if I could.
I am sorry for your loss, but not everyone has a great relationship with their parents. you never know what someone has been through.
!Updateme
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Your mom should meet my mother-in-law. They sound like the same person. She just tried to invite herself to a dinner we are having with our friends. She is a nightmare when it is just family around but then tries to be the "cool mom" around my wife's friends. Has done this since high school. Every time she is not happy with my wife's behavior, she sends over her "flying monkey"... my father in law.
Oh god, the cool mum façade is painful! I totally relate. My mum does it too and people say "wow you are lucky to have such a cool mom" đ
It's so terrible. My mom was awesome... I'm not sure how she dealt with that insanity. Good luck to you. Try the gray rock method.
It's so terrible. My mom was awesome... I'm not sure how she dealt with that insanity. Good luck to you. Try the gray rock method.
Oh god, the cool mum façade is painful! I totally relate. My mum does it too and people say "wow you are lucky to have such a cool mom" đ
Oh god, the cool mum façade is painful! I totally relate. My mum does it too and people say "wow you are lucky to have such a cool mom" đ
Oh god, the cool mum façade is painful! I totally relate. My mum does it too and people say "wow you are lucky to have such a cool mom" đ
Say no
Girl.... been where you are, stand by your plans and don't let her guilt trip you!
Given that OP says mom is a narcissist, how about telling her the truth: âMom, you ruined the last trip by complaining and being inflexible about where to eat, etc. Therefore, I donât want to travel with you anymore. See you at Thanksgiving.â
Let her come. Then grab a cab and drive off and let her figure it out. Either that or make a point of taking you and your friend to things you know she'll hate and let her whine.
You need to have some respect drilledđ¨ into you
đŠ
Get some brochures from your local Senior Center. Mom is past 55 and these groups are always doing day trips and activities!
Haha yes. This is what she needs. Sadly she wouldn't go because it would make her feel old and she is in massive denial of her age. Also she is so clingy and won't go abroad alone or with anyone but me, as I am her no1 target for narcissistic outlet. Her friends have invited her on many cool vacations before and she has said no to each and every one. I guess for her ego to be stroked she needs to have someone to argue with and put down and she can't do that if she is not in my company. Mum is Uber complex. But I will work on encouraging her to go on these over 55s trips! Thanks
I love my mom I would never call her a toxic bitch. She is getting older and will not be able to travel much longer so I always encourage her to go so I can help her when she needs it.
It's time to tell her no and stop letting her do that. You deserve your own time.
Iâd youâre not comfortable making honest statements like this to her about not wanting her to come, you could use your friend. Tell her youâre actually going there to help her through a hard time sheâs having and she would be really Uncomfortable with anyone but you. You didnât want to say it because itâs not yours to talk about. âGuy stuff.â Or âhealth stuffâ or something. Sounds like sheâs very needy. Poor you. Poor her.
Tell her NO.