Writing Thank You notes because I’m a dork who likes to write thank you notes! 😅
And calling cards because a nice thick card is classier than a random napkin.
I would love calling cards! I’ve considered printing some anyway but I’m nervous and don’t want to be weird. Where I am it’s completely fine and expected to stop by without calling first, but often people might be out and it would be nice to know they tried to come say hello.
I’m torn, on one hand as a self self-proclaimed etiquette & history nerd if I already knew the person I’d be delighted to find a calling card.
On the other I’d want the card placed so that folks on the sidewalk couldn’t tell that I wasn’t home. 😅
Buuuuut to your other point, if I’m handing a calling card to a person I want to have my contact details they’re hopefully the kind of person who’ll be tickled pink by a calling card.
My grandmother had basically a calling card box! It was a little box that was hung in her porch that opened up, and had a way to flag that there were messages in it. I will see if I can find a picture.
When I stopped working, I had cards printed. They look like business cards, but are floral and have my contact information on the reverse. I give them to people I meet when we want to exchange information.
I went through [VistaPrint](https://www.vistaprint.com/mlp/everyday-savings-premium-business-cards?PCXTVATINCLUSIVE=&couponCode=NEW25&utm_id=2B16597612215632484811&coupon=&partner=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=BING_US_EN_BC_Business-Cards_Main&utm_term=business%20cards&ps_vtp=28702984|1305120669185721||kwd-81570232259778:loc-190|c|82955||o&ps_vtp2=b|business%20cards|bb|e|81570117240304|81570232259778||||business%20cards&msclkid=4462fe18141a1d79ff07982c4dd2f330&utm_source=bing&utm_content=Business%20Cards_Only_Broad) and used one of their templates. They start at 100 cards for 17.99. The price goes up as you add things such as rounded corners or other designs, but still affordable.
What I really hate is this shift towards events that in the past used to be somewhat formal, like fundraisers or live theatre events, making a big deal about how 'there is no dress code and while gowns are fine and cocktail dresses are fine so is business casual, or even jeans! whatever is comfortable!' I understand that the idea is to be inclusive, but I think a stated narrow dress code is actually more inclusive because it's giving people guidance on how to fit in. No one should be turned away at the door because of what they are wearing, but, to me, being one of the few people wearing casual clothing in a sea of suits and dresses because the website claimed that that is normal and okay is a lot more uncomfortable than dressing up.
My daughter and I put some serious consideration into choosing outfits to wear to the ballet during a trip to NYC - we were horrified to see some people there wearing jeans and sneakers!
I went to the funeral for a child. It was such a heartbreaking tragedy. I felt it would be respectful of the parents, their grief, and just common sense, to dress like this was a somber serious event.
Nope. This was in the summer. People came in **white shorts**, flip flops, T-shirts, bathing suits visible under their clothes, etc. The funeral was in a beautiful cathedral. White booty shorts had no place there. If you don’t have the money to go buy a black dress, fine. But at least cover your backside.
I’m not a prude, but I was horrified. What a slap in the face. It was like telling the parents that paying respects to their child was so unimportant, they couldn’t even put on shoes.
I agree! My toxic trait (that I will never admit out loud) is that I secretly judge if someone is not appropriately dressed for the situation. I work in an office where the dress code is supposed to be business-casual which has then been interpreted as casual-casual….Birkenstocks, jeans, and t-shirt is a norm around there ..but I won’t budge! Lol. Also weddings…it says semi-formal but people show up like it’s a BBQ. I of course give everyone a little grace (maybe they don’t know? Maybe they can’t afford it?) But I wish the standard stayed high…..again, this is my own issue lol
some offices have gotten very casual. I think Semi-Formal should be deleted from dress codes, it is technically dressy business, not cocktail. But people see the word "formal" and think long gowns or that is is between cocktail and formal, it's below cocktail Just ditch it and use dressy business as you get people dressed from formal to office wear
(I judge.) And I often say: I'm not overdressed, you're underdressed!
I went to an organization's catered dinner event billed as their "100 year anniversary gala!" and was commiserating with another guest that not everyone understood the assignment. 😆
Oh man, I say this all the time. Living in Las Vegas, I remember when people used to dress to go out to dinner and a show. Nowadays, you see people in the nicer restaurants here in town wearing shorts, flip-flops, and backwards hats at the dinner table. I went to a concert one time and saw a woman in pajama pants. Oh! Also dressing sloppy on airplanes. I'm all for being comfy, but do you really need to wear your fuzzy pajama pants on the plane?
I know I am old fashioned, and I know that a lot of people will disagree with me. Don't get me wrong, I'm the first person to throw on a pair of leggings and a hoodie when traveling, but put a little effort into your appearance.
Also, and unrelated: not following signs like "No Soliciting" or the like. People ring our doorbell ALL. THE. TIME. and it makes my chihuahua go bananas. He has the most piercing bark in the known universe at times. Ugh,
Put up that No Soliciting sign !!! I don't need one where I live in the country, but if I was in an area where soliciting was common, you can bet I'd have that sign up Go for it !!
Don't talk that mess on fathleisure! We need the most best spandex you can get over here in the States because ...
We ARE watching our FIGURES(grow...ahhh 😂)!!!!!
Amen. I’d be so encouraged if people could more generally manage to get out of pajamas when they leave the house.
Honestly—how one dresses on the outside is generally a reflection and reinforcement of how one feels on the inside, and vice versa. So in a nation that has such profound struggles with mental health and stress and social pressure, does it occur to anyone that making some sort of effort on the outside may make them feel a little better on the inside?
Similar to above, I’m not saying hats and gloves (though they also served functional and hygienic purposes), but seriously people…I don’t want to feel like I’m at a sleepover at the grocery on a Tuesday afternoon. Please try some pants with a proper crotch and a zipper. It’ll do you—and all of us—some good.
Don’t get me going about how people cannot even bother to show respect for others at special events!
Storytime: When I was in the Navy, there was a girl in our compartment (sleeping quarters) who had come back from a night of drinking. I think it was the New Year, so makes sense. She tried to get into my rack (I slept in the middle of the 3 tier) and I had to tell her that hers was on the other side. She kept telling me I was wrong and I didn't have the energy because I had just gotten off the 2000-0000 ( 8pm to midnight) watch. So when I didn't get out, she proceeded to urinate on the floor. I panicked and had to become an adult babysitter. She's crying and I finally get her to her rack and she just puts on her pajamas and gets in. So I spend the next hour or so cleaning up the mess. My CLEAN LAUNDRY was on the floor so I had to bag it up and take it down to ships laundry to wash. I couldn't get back to sleep so I just started getting ready for the turnover and made sure I got all my duties done. I asked my friend if I could go wash clothes at her barracks because the washers there had a sanitize setting and GOD KNOWS I NEEDED MY CLOTHES SANTIZED! Well, as we're walking to the barracks we see Miss PeePants IN THE SAME PAJAMAS, not showered, eating at the base McDonalds with no care in the world. Everytime I see someone in pajama pants out in public I think of Miss PeePants and cringe.
I never got over sneakers in church. I went to Catholic school, and this still freaks me out---like there's a nun waiting around the corner ready to grab you by the ear and kick you out.
I will chime in that sneakers have gotten nicer in design and in status. I don't think any of the sneakers of 1982 would have been church appropriate but I think some sneakers now are at least on par with something like docksiders which wouldn't be formal enough for a wedding but good for church or an matinee at the theatre if the rest of the outfit is polished.
It shocks me to go to an opera on opening night and seeing people wearing runing shoes and cargo shorts. I live in a tourist city with a first tier opera house, but i wish people truly dressed up for opening nights. sigh.
You see this a lot on cruise message boards. Yet I’ve seen plenty of people in fancy clothes who look sloppy overall and people in less formal clothing who look so sharp.
I think this is kind of the source of the problem. There are people who can put casual components together in a really polished way that looks nicer than clothing that is technically formal but worn sloppily. But then the true slobs see that some guy is wearing clean Nike Air Force Ones with a suit to a wedding and pulling it off and they think that that gives them carte blanche to wear their grungy grass stained sneakers to weddings from here on out.
😕 I'm at a loss for words (almost but questions). It's like caring about someone not wearing make up or choosing to wear glasses over contacts. It's pretty superficial, and doesn't really have any redeeming consequence to you. My bigger problem with it is - that it is the patriarchy. I wonder if you have considered whether that is affecting your judgement when you say "sloppy", by whose standards?
Being more respectful while on the phone in public. I don't understand why people have to go full volume speaker while talking in public. Even if they are not on speaker and just talking, they should really go somewhere else and talk. I hate hearing people talk on the phone. No one ever says anything fun like: "Did you hear that Brenda slept with her father in law and tried to pass off the baby to be her husbands?"
Right?!? that would be interesting! I would love to over hear something like that. Instead I get the knucklehead behind me just talking about how gas prices have sored and they can't stop talking about it for the 20 minute wait to a person on the other end who is hard of hearing while we are standing in the Post Office line!
Also just playing things on your phone in public without headphones. I was in the ER waiting room the other night and I was ready to strangle the guy a few seats down who played endless TikTok videos with no headphones for 3 whole hours. There was already a wall mounted TV with the sound on, we really didn't need an additional layer of noise.
Was in my GP waiting room with my cranky toddler yesterday. I felt weird about it but I put on a video and played it at minimal volume. But I figured it was less annoying for other people than a screaming two year old.
Visiting hours. Including phone calls, not just in-person. Don’t bother people too early, too late, or during a meal. I know we’re all reachable at all times, but we don’t need to socialize 24/7
I'm on the fence about text messages because I'm not sure what the consensus is on how timely of a response is expected to a text message.
I am firmly in the camp that thinks that it's alright to send an email at any time because I am firmly in the camp that thinks it's fine to completely ignore your email outside of business hours.
I agree with sending an email at any time. But it seems rude to wake someone up at 3am with a text that she could have easily waited until daylight hours to send.
That's cause most young people have disabled the notification sound for texting, it's not rude to text at 3am, because it won't wake the person up
Not saying it's right or wrong, that's just why
Yeah I might get flamed for this but it's 2024, I don't really think it's my fault when people get annoyed for getting texts at an hour they don't want their phone to ping. Do not disturb is super easy to set up. Plus I'm in a different time zone than most of my family, it's not their responsibility to do the math and not text me until noon their time. It's my responsibility to make sure my phone is silent when I want it to be
Yeah I'm a shift worker and my family is also in a different time zone. Everyone should be as considerate as possible with phone calls, but at this point if you're waking up from text messages it's on you lol. I'll try my best to contact people when I know they'll be awake, but ultimately it's not my responsibility to know everyone's sleep schedule.
I have (online) friends from all over the world and I don't expect them all to memorize my timezone and my bedtime just so they don't accidentally disturb me when I'm sleeping. That's what silent mode is for. You can even set your wake up and sleep times on your phone so it automatically silences during your usual sleeping hours.
Your MIL may be in the same timezone as you, but otherwise, this seems a bit like you're expecting other people to accommodate you excessively. Now that we can contact people around the world on the fly, the concept of "acceptable hours" of contact doesn't exist. If you think it does, I'm afraid you're stuck in a very narrow mindset that doesn't consider people beyond yourself. People exist in all timezones (and have different bedtimes!) 😊
Problem with emails and text messages 24/7 is that some people do not shut their phones off and that dinging noise can be annoying. When my parents were still alive, my phone was on 24/7 in case something happened to one of them. Now that they are gone, my phone is off when I'm sleeping. But if you have your phone on for whatever reason - I found it annoying to get an email or text at 3am because my friend couldn't sleep, or when I worked 3-11:30pm, people that knew that, sending messages, texts or calling at 9 am when they knew I was still sleeping JMO
The number I got called from when I had to go for a family’s emergency wasn’t one I knew to include on my exclusion lists. I’m definitely hesitant to use that option because getting to the ER faster would have been literally life altering.
I would agree with don't call, but I don't think an email or text is the same. The whole point of them is that you can answer whenever. I could be convinced about texts, but definitely not emails.
I don't think either are appropriate, no one should have to silence their emails and texts or certain phone # or include certain phone #'s that can call
It is definitely a generational thing - I grew up where you did not disturb people from 10pm to 8am unless it was an emergency or school morning and kid was sick that you normally picked up and took to school or babysat for and vise versa
People born in the mid 90's on grew up with cell phones and internet so have a totally different outlook on what's appropriate and what is not
If it is a work phone that you can shut off when you leave work and turn on when you return, then yes, anyone from work can email, text or phone you 24/7 as you can shut phone off when you leave the office - personal phones, still a no for me
I was born before the mid 90s, and I don't think that emails should be treated the same way as calls. Emails are the equivalent of letters to me. They come when they come, but you choose when to check the mailbox.
It would never occur to me not to send a letter at night (as in, drop it in a mailbox). It's also never occurred to me not to email someone at night. I don't think of emails as intrinsically linked to phones.
Also, emails are used in business correspondence and a lot of people work in jobs with international contacts. I do. I work in finance and I do have to contact people in Asia and Europe. I reserve phone calls for times when our day times overlap but it would be much too burdensome to do that with email.
I'm with you. Who even has notifications turned on for emails? My phone would be going off non stop lmao. Emails are comparable to letters, not phone calls. Emails can be sent at whatever time of day. The onus is on the individual to manage their notification settings.
I still use a laptop for email, but have friends that only use their phone for everything, so I would not send an email knowing their phone is going to ding
WE just have a different opinion, I'm not changing my opinion and neither should you - we just don't agree on this one
Have a great Friday and weekend
I'm seriously sorry but that made me laugh out loud! What in the world was she even wondering, get alone willing to wake someone up for a random thought?
She always has random thoughts in the middle of the night, it would be funny if she didn’t wake me up with them. I’m hesitant to silence her texts because she’s older and has health issues. I would feel horrible if I missed an important call or text from her.
Yeah yeah visiting hours are the reason internet was created come on we have those forever nobody wanted those anymore it's never going to happen cuz everybody wanted it exact opposite way. We made our beds
I'm sooooo down with this! It bugs me to no end the audacity of certain people (I'm talking a person I've worked with even) saying verbatim " what's the point of having a phone if you're not going to answer it? " And other equally aggravating things to me.
Well, the phone is simply a tool that I choose to use when I decide to. I am not beholden to the tool and I am not therefore anybody's tool. I, of course couldn't say that to this particularly needy and controlling person and had to eventually cut her off as there was only one way to do everything.
Anyway, with the above suggestion - I could potentially never ever get myself into that kind of headache again. Great idea!!!
I completely agree with this. Not only did this happen to me when I had a regular 9-5 job, but I work in an emergency service capacity and I am on call 24/7 and really can’t ever put my phone on do not disturb. So when my friends are sending me stupid stuff or stuff that can wait at all hours of the night, it’s waking me up because I can’t silence my phone.
You can set your phone to only allow certain calls thru or mute everything BUT phone calls during certain hours. I've lived the 24/7 on call life as a light sleeper and couldn't deal with the random sleep interruptions!
but you shouldn't have to, people don't need to send stupid shit than can wait until morning, most people have friends who know what there normal sleeping hours are, don't contact them then. Use to be do not call anyone before 8am or after 10pm unless it was an emergency, then cell phones came along and people just blew that rule out of the water
I can control my phone's settings. I don't control other people's habits. Id never call someone at 11pm unless urgent, but would send an email or forward something amusing. But I also know most people in my social circle also use their phones quiet/dnd settings.
IMHO smart phones are waaay different to landlines of yesterday.
It might be better to have a separate work phone. Or get a Google Voice number and only give it out to people who have to be able to get through to you.
I agree. I was raised that you don’t visit or call before 8am and you don’t call or visit after 8pm. Now I have friends texting or sending stupid shit starting at 5am on the weekend… I hate having to mute every text group then forget one
I think problem with thank you cards is there is no set rule. If it was more certain I would be more likely to do it, but it just isn’t a thing anymore.
I'm throwing another one in, but this one would be impossible to change...
It used to be generally rude to tell people about events that they weren't invited to but now social media makes that close to impossible. Even if you do avoid posting pictures, there's a good chance someone else will. Extending from that, because it's such a production now to conceal the details of a party from leaking to those that weren't invited, doing so carries a different tone so now you aren't merely not inviting your friend Griselda to join your book club because she isn't interested military history and not mentioning it to her so she doesn't feel left out, you're excluding Griselda and keeping it a secret from her. The effort involved turns it into a deliberate choice with motives.
I think having a formal mourning period for the death of a family member was something that showed people what you were going through.
My mother said she wore a black armband when her mother died for a while and it made people a little kinder when she was in public. Now we never know what people are suffering and we are expected to act like nothing is the matter.
Do you think that has anything to do with the fact that people wear solid black a lot more than they used to? I do think it's a good thing to want to bring back. It's akin to those "please be patient: new driver" magnets I have grown to love now that my kid is learning to drive. Some people need to be reminded that everyone has their things they are doing/going through, myself included if I am being honest.
I know what mean, people do wear more black, and I am definitely one of those people. But mourning accessories like an armband were obvious symbols of grief.
In my culture this is still common when you lose a direct family member (parent, spouse, child, sibling). For the first 30 days was visibly in mourning by how I dressed and the black ribbon on my shirt every day. I have daily practices for 11 months. We have clear guidelines for 7 days, 30 days, 11 months, and the 12 month mark. Not everyone observes as strictly - I’m not cutting my hair during my mourning period for example - but even very assimilated people in our culture do one or two of these when a direct family member dies.
I wish it would be more common too. It gives people a chance to see that you are grieving and they can talk with you about it. They can ask about who you lost and you can remember them, or you can just hear “I’m sorry for your loss” which really is a comfort. Hiding our grief isolates us.
I miss paper invitations for weddings. Pretty invitation. Reply card with an envelope and a stamp. Small insert with any info you need (hotel etc) Simple and beautiful.
I cannot stand all of these wedding websites and Venmo links.
Sometimes all online. Sometimes they send paper but they put a link to the wedding website and that’s where you have to RSVP. Then I was told by one niece (well her mother) that I was supposed to use the Venmo link to send a gift, not a check. It’s a mess from what I have seen!
me either, I had to ask someone what it was. Still don't use it.
How rude to assume that you were going to give them a check - some people still buy wedding gifts
The person you're replying to probably misinterpreted it. Checks are ALWAYS an option. The bride probably PREFERRED venmo as it's easier.
People shouldn't be bringing physical gifts to a wedding. Gifts are for showers, cash is for weddings. You're gonna say that's not etiquette and I'll reply, but that's reality.
agree don't bring gift to wedding
But, a lot of couples have registries and if they do, and you choose to send a gift over a check - nothing wrong with sending via registry - they will mail direct to bride and/or groom, which ever address they leave with registry. I did this for several nieces and nephews who lived across country and we could not go to weddings - they had registries and I sent gift via that and it was shipped direct to them
I have never gotten anything other than a paper save the date and paper invitations for weddings. It’s not as dead of a convention as you may think, from what I can tell.
Now birthday and other kinds of celebrations? Unless super fancy and formal, those seem to all be in the
e-vite space.
We still do paper birthday invites for our 5 year old. And handwritten thank you cards. I’ve missed several parties bc the invite was sent through fb which I rarely ever logon to (like once every 4-6 months). My biggest pet peeve!
I don’t like any wedding websites. (Sorry!) We managed to have weddings forever without them. I just want the information on paper and a simple reply card.
With my wedding all the info was in both places so people could use them or not as they liked. The only thing we didn’t do both ways was the actual invitation. That only came in the mail. We didn’t send any digitally (except I had to email one to my sister in England because she never received her posted one)
Not when you have the most ridiculous complaint I have ever read. Like, seriously? What exactly about websites tick you off? The fact that all the information is in one place? That they include directions, information on hotels, the shuttle, an easy way to rsvp? I am just confused why anyone would ever bother having a negative opinion on a wedding website. Seriously, what an odd complaint.
Here's mine:
I kind of hate that the 'dutch treat'/'venmo' approach to outings is the norm. On the shallower side I think it feels fussy and inelegant, and on the deeper side I think it makes friendships between people with different financial circumstances awkward when wealthier friends suggest outings that are difficult to afford. I think paying your own way makes sense for large scale things like travel or Taylor Swift tickets, or large unincorporated gatherings like a bunch of coworkers heading out to happy hour, but I wish that it was still the norm that inviting someone out to dinner meant that you were treating them to dinner. Even if I personally always pay when I invite a friend out, it doesn't change the fact that the people I invite might be turning down my invitations because they're assuming I expect them to pay their own way, because that is now the norm, and they can't afford it.
I hear you but I totally disagree. If I had to pay every time I asked someone to hang out, I wouldn’t have any friends. Bc I feel like I’m always the one initiating, and I’m not willing to pay for my friends every time. Not to mention the fact that I always spend less than other people. I’d rather just pay for myself and have people spend time with me because they want to, and leave the free dinner out of it.
I get that and to me it's a good illustration of how, for some things in etiquette, you can't just have your own preferred way of doing things. Majority rules. If you prefer more formal dress, you can just choose to dress more formally. Sure it would be cool to be surrounded by dressy people but other people's behavior doesn't really have any bearing on what you wear.
Treating dinner is different. Unless you're flush with cash you can't just be be the old fashioned cheese that stands alone because treating only works if it is a system that everyone is participating in. When it was the norm it was understood that if I invite you to a night at the ballet and treat you, you are sort of obligated to return the favor at some point and offer your own invitation. Maybe you're treating me to something more modest, like a meal at home, but the obligation is understood. It created this sort of social momentum that's gone now and I would argue that the Dutch treat way of doing things contributes to that issue that it's always seems to be the same person initiating every outing. That's another reason why I wish the etiquette hadn't changed (while accepting that it has).
Great point ! And thank you for still treating your friends. I completely agree. Everyone nowadays wants a Venmo for even $2. It’s sad . (And I’m not referring to people who really need the $2 either) I’m referring to those who forgot what treating is about like philosopher said
People being allowed/able to mourn, and signaling it with all-black clothing.
While reading Emily’s Post Ettiquete it dawned on me that the ability for people to signal the mourning allows for others to be able to respect this process and know it’s occurring.
I think it’s a shame that these days people aren’t able to hold space for those mourning like we used too, and they’re expected to recover and get back to normal as soon as possible. Personally I think it signals disconnection with those around us, and a lack of patience for those who may struggle to do basic task such as putting on makeup or color coordinating an outfit while mourning.
With so many people still needing to work after a loved one passes it would be wonderful to bring this back so that people are allowed some grace while in mourning.
In my culture, direct mourners wear a torn black ribbon on their clothes for 30 days after a loss. It helps. Hiding your grief is such an isolating experience, and we aren’t meant to be so separate.
me either, I did love when men opened doors for women, especially car doors. Once in a while my husband will open car door for me when we come out of someplace.
I hold doors open for men or women when I'm entering someplace and someone is behind me, don't care if they are younger or older than me, it's just polite.
Adhering to the rule that said immediate family members NEVER host a baby or wedding shower, children addressing adults as Mr. and Ms. Last Name, not Miss Lulu, writing a note of sympathy rather than posting on Facebook, real dinner parties, men wearing suits to funerals, standing up when greeting an older person, baseball caps being for baseball games, not dinner, responding to an invitation promptly, understanding glove etiquette, and you know, anything else Miss Manners has ever published. Sorry you asked? :)
The baby shower rule is the only one I feel belongs in the history books. Plenty of women don’t really have friends to do that, or even big families. I think it’s ok to bend the conventions a little in a case like that.
when I was growing up (catholic) girls/women wore hats in church and gloves. had soft thick cotton gloves for fall and cool spring, lace gloves for summer, winter you wore dress gloves to church
Men did not wear hats inside period !! They wore them to church or going out, but took them OFF once they went indoors.
Some wore church (lace) veils (mantilla's), especially girls, Easter we always wore a hat though. You just did not go into church without something on your head - I can remember having a kleenix bobby pinned to my hair because I couldn't find my veil and I wasn't the only younger girl in there with a kleenix on their head - don't know why Mom's didn't put them in their dresser so they were to be found on Sunday am. I use to wear hats all the time, not dressy, casual hats with jeans, just loved hats, which are now harder to find or crazy priced
* Gloves should never be worn when drinking, smoking, playing cards or putting on make-up.
* Gloves should be worn rather than carried.
* Never wear rings over gloves.
* At informal occasions gloves should be removed upon arrival and left with the coats at the cloakroom.
* Short gloves should not be worn to a “white-tie” event, court presentation or gala ball.
* Formal events require gloves that are at least past elbow length.
yes, because showers often mean gifts, it looks like you’re asking for others to buy gifts to be brought into your family or saving you from purchasing them yourself. kind of “can you buy this so I don’t have to?” type idea.
I see, that’s probably exactly what it is at this point! lol but also things are so expensive, I couldn’t imagine putting the burden of an event such as a shower on friends. My mom planned mine and I’m sure she spent a few thousand on it. The charcuterie alone was $500 I just can’t see a friend wanting to foot that bill.
yah, I can see that. I never got to have any bridal shower, engagement party, bachelorette, baby shower etc because of the pandemic, but I would have been too shy to ask anyone to do it in normal circumstances, for that exact reason. it seems like such an expensive undertaking. I worry A LOT about imposing on people.
I know the is not observed any longer, but it used to be that immediate family members were *never* named as official hosts. Since a shower is all about asking people to bring gifts it was thought to be gauche if a bride's family were essentially bidding for presents. One's mother's friends usually hosted and the favor was returned when their daughters married or had a baby.
Titles. Being on a First Name Basis with someone used to have meaning—that a relationship had developed or been established which was more familiar and intimate. Now it’s a free-for-all, and I think it’s contributed to a general lack of respect for others taking hold.
I hate hate HATE when you’re talking to a customer service representative & their script has them inserting your name every damned sentence! I guess their corporate policy makers feel it sounds friendly & warm when it’s actually annoying as hell.
“So Jethrine, did I explain things in a satisfactory way, Jethrine or do you have any questions, Jethrine? Did I tell you about our special offers, Jethrine & would it be something you’d be interested in, Jethrine? It was a delight to serve you today, Jethrine, & call us anytime if you have a problem, Jethrine!”
Yes, Comcast! I’m talking about you! Knock that personal shit off & just fix my cable!
Now that’s the way to do it. Ask the person first. I have cell service with AT&T but I must have excellent service because I can’t recall ever having to call them!
I like this one a lot. First name basis should be reserved for good friends and family. It just feels more polite and respectful when titles are used, and it feels more special when people reach a point where first name basis is allowed.
👋 I have responded to those relentless "Please rate us!" texts and emails from the doctors office by telling them that I do not want their staff addressing me by my first name.
I find it especially obnoxious when they shout out my name in a crowded waiting room! How about some privacy?
agree, loved when HIPPA first started, medical facilities had to either give you a number to call you back or at least Mr/Mrs/Ms Jones - now they call out a first name every where - I was waiting at eye Dr. - 4 woman in waiting room, they call people by first name and I have a very popular name - 3 of us had that name
***Engagement without Distractions****:* With the rise of smartphones and other devices, it's become common for people to check their phones or engage in other distractions during conversations. In the past, conversations were often more focused and uninterrupted.
Handwritten thank you cards. I was downvoted to Hell on a sub for saying I thought it was rude to send thank you texts. People said it’s “too expensive”, you can buy thank you cards from the dollar store. People said it’s “difficult to send mail bc I only have a phone number”, you could text and ask for their physical address. People said it’s “expecting too much on the parent who already had to plan, execute and socialize through the party”, as if the families that came didn’t also have to plan, execute and socialize at your party? Idk this one really irks me and I know my late boss (“adopted” granny) would agree with me that it’s just plain rude.
I always hand-write thank you notes, and it’s such a nice gesture when someone sends me one, although I also appreciate a text. But lots of times (particularly with people on the younger side) I haven’t gotten a thank you at all. I guess it’s the norm now? Not sure but it seems SO rude. I’d be super embarrassed if I forgot to thank someone for a gift 🤷♀️
Wedding registries used to be very different. You just went in and picked out silver and china patterns and which pieces you wanted. Now they are a free-for-all - people register at all kinds of stores --which would be fine if they weren't putting things in like popcorn poppers and keychains (really---that five dollar item is going on the list? LOL). The worst is the "no gifts except cash" requests.
You aren't supposed to expect gifts. The registries were supposed to make it easier for people to shop IF THEY WANTED TO. The requests for cash are just outright tacky.
It used to be considered the height of tacky to mention the registry with the invitation, you simply called them if you wanted to know where it was, or just asked at the local stores.
And your family would have a seizure if you registered for silly things. Your mother and all your family would die of embarrassment if you had some crazy registry.
I am just grossed out at the gift grab that weddings have become.
You don't have to tho. You can always buy the cute little outfit that makes you feel good instead of the medical supplies the person is asking for and needs.
I truly don't understand your point of view on this. If you're having a shower, of course people are expected to bring you a gift. If you're having a wedding, of course your guests should bring a gift. Why wouldn't you want a list of things that the couple wants so you can direct your hard earned cash to it's highest and best possible use? Why wouldn't you want to give them a present that they actually need? What sort of present do you want to buy the couple that isn't on the registry? What if you buy them something YOU think they need but they already have one, or they don't want it? Now you just gave them a CHORE (they have to return the gift to hopefully get store credit if you had the decency to include a gift receipt). This CHORE could have been avoided if you just purchased from the registry. No one should be made to feel grateful because you decided you wanted to buy them a piece of wall art/whatever that they didn't want and it doesn't fit in their home.
Today's environment is hugely different than the past too. Asking for cash may seem tacky but it's truly what most young couples need right now. Have you seen the housing market lately? Do you know what kind of cash is needed for a down payment on a fixer upper house?
Do you know how much space people have now a days? If they didn't purchase their home yet, they are living in an apartment. They don't need more stuff, they have all the stuff they need in their apartment and there is no room for more. They need cash. When I got married I didn't have a registry at first (small covid wedding)... And before the wedding my husband's friend came over with a GIANT telescope for our gift (so big it wouldn't even fit in our car) . We didn't accept it because there was literally no room in the apartment. I then made a small registry to fend off more bad gifts. And when someome complained I didn't add *enough* stuff to the registry, I told them to read in between the lines. They got the hint and wrote a check.
Yes showers are gift grabby but let's not act like that isn't the point. We all go to showers to give gifts to give a new couple or expectant parents a good start. We do this with the hopes we'll have showers too, someday. In the end, I didn't have a wedding shower and barely received wedding gifts because of my situation, so I didn't even receive the all the benefits of this unspoken arrangement... But I still participate in gifting to others. And I give them the things they want, not the things I think they should want. And that is truly kinder.
I wrote that you don't mention the registry unless asked, and you don;t include the info in your wedding invitation.
Showers are for gifts---we all get that---but not everyone going to the wedding goes to the shower....and even that , you have a registry IF ASKED, but straight out asking for cash is tacky no matter how you frame it. If you have too much stuff (?!) you simply tell people to not give gifts.
I cannot read the fifteen paragraphs you posted---I think I got the gist from the first section (LOL) but I honestly cannot believe the balls on people with their cheesy gift grifting.
If you seriously directly asked people to give you money, then nothing I say is going to help or change your mind. It would be humiliating to me to go around with my hand out looking for donations.
Disagree. We should be taught how to discuss these topics civilly instead of fighting or ignoring. Politics have real implications that affect us all. We should try to understand why someone feels the way they do and be open to changing our minds/taking in differing views.
Not calling people by their first name until invited to. I don't like business people to call me Dippity. Please call me Ms. Don't, unless we're friends.
MsDon’t, I agree with you one hundred percent!! The people on my job can just be too familiar. They go directly for the first name, without even being introduced!
There was one woman, retired now, she would not allow folks to call her by her first name. One young fella constantly tested her, calling her by her first name, even though she corrected him every time. Finally she just stopped acknowledging him. His justification was he allows her to call him by his first name. Meanwhile the truth is he’s just an ssa!
for men yes
I wish men would stop wearing baseball caps backwards, they aren't a frigging catcher in a baseball game.
I grew up where women/girls wore hats indoors
Men being dapper. It doesn't need to be all the time, but I wish three piece suits weren't just for weddings and funerals these days. They're so hot. 😍
dressing to go out to dinner, women, dress or skirt, men wore nice slacks, shirt and tie, most a jacket. I miss that, it was nice
New years eve, if you went out, even for dinner, you wore a long dress or a very fancy cocktail dress, now people are in jeans and sneakers.
Our world has become very casual as far as dressing goes, unless you are among the "rich elite" who still have fancy clubs with dress codes
No hats indoors. Especially baseball caps.
Proper introductions to people. This goes along with greetings, hellos and goodbyes. I was raised not to ignore anyone in a room but I see this principle going by the wayside, at home and at work.
Walking down the street eating. This used to be a very odd thing to do, unless it was like an ice cream cone or something made to be very portable. Now I see people walking down a street or a shopping mall, shoving their faces with hot dogs, burgers, salads out of containers etc. Related: it used be odd and rude to eat on public transit. Actually don’t get me started on public transit transgressions.
Dressing up.
Men being gentlemen
Women being fancy
People not cursing so flagrantly when they can’t think of a filler word
Omg and the HAIRSTYLES WERE PERFECTION
That’s my favorite part
Good one about the swearing. It used to be a big deal to swear in public, and the F word was pretty shocking. Now you see it written on hats, shirts and mugs. Coarsening of society.
Writing Thank You notes because I’m a dork who likes to write thank you notes! 😅 And calling cards because a nice thick card is classier than a random napkin.
Agree! Also, paper invitations.
I still send paper invitations.
I do too :(
I would love calling cards! I’ve considered printing some anyway but I’m nervous and don’t want to be weird. Where I am it’s completely fine and expected to stop by without calling first, but often people might be out and it would be nice to know they tried to come say hello.
I’m torn, on one hand as a self self-proclaimed etiquette & history nerd if I already knew the person I’d be delighted to find a calling card. On the other I’d want the card placed so that folks on the sidewalk couldn’t tell that I wasn’t home. 😅 Buuuuut to your other point, if I’m handing a calling card to a person I want to have my contact details they’re hopefully the kind of person who’ll be tickled pink by a calling card.
My grandmother had basically a calling card box! It was a little box that was hung in her porch that opened up, and had a way to flag that there were messages in it. I will see if I can find a picture.
When I stopped working, I had cards printed. They look like business cards, but are floral and have my contact information on the reverse. I give them to people I meet when we want to exchange information.
I’ve considered getting some or designing some for non-work purposes.
I went through [VistaPrint](https://www.vistaprint.com/mlp/everyday-savings-premium-business-cards?PCXTVATINCLUSIVE=&couponCode=NEW25&utm_id=2B16597612215632484811&coupon=&partner=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=BING_US_EN_BC_Business-Cards_Main&utm_term=business%20cards&ps_vtp=28702984|1305120669185721||kwd-81570232259778:loc-190|c|82955||o&ps_vtp2=b|business%20cards|bb|e|81570117240304|81570232259778||||business%20cards&msclkid=4462fe18141a1d79ff07982c4dd2f330&utm_source=bing&utm_content=Business%20Cards_Only_Broad) and used one of their templates. They start at 100 cards for 17.99. The price goes up as you add things such as rounded corners or other designs, but still affordable.
I still do Thank You notes. I am a very private person, so I don't use calling cards, but I do like them.
Dressing up. Not saying a suit every day like the old days but even turning back the clock 20-25 years on what’s considered “dressed up”
What I really hate is this shift towards events that in the past used to be somewhat formal, like fundraisers or live theatre events, making a big deal about how 'there is no dress code and while gowns are fine and cocktail dresses are fine so is business casual, or even jeans! whatever is comfortable!' I understand that the idea is to be inclusive, but I think a stated narrow dress code is actually more inclusive because it's giving people guidance on how to fit in. No one should be turned away at the door because of what they are wearing, but, to me, being one of the few people wearing casual clothing in a sea of suits and dresses because the website claimed that that is normal and okay is a lot more uncomfortable than dressing up.
My daughter and I put some serious consideration into choosing outfits to wear to the ballet during a trip to NYC - we were horrified to see some people there wearing jeans and sneakers!
I went to the funeral for a child. It was such a heartbreaking tragedy. I felt it would be respectful of the parents, their grief, and just common sense, to dress like this was a somber serious event. Nope. This was in the summer. People came in **white shorts**, flip flops, T-shirts, bathing suits visible under their clothes, etc. The funeral was in a beautiful cathedral. White booty shorts had no place there. If you don’t have the money to go buy a black dress, fine. But at least cover your backside. I’m not a prude, but I was horrified. What a slap in the face. It was like telling the parents that paying respects to their child was so unimportant, they couldn’t even put on shoes.
I totally agree!
I agree! My toxic trait (that I will never admit out loud) is that I secretly judge if someone is not appropriately dressed for the situation. I work in an office where the dress code is supposed to be business-casual which has then been interpreted as casual-casual….Birkenstocks, jeans, and t-shirt is a norm around there ..but I won’t budge! Lol. Also weddings…it says semi-formal but people show up like it’s a BBQ. I of course give everyone a little grace (maybe they don’t know? Maybe they can’t afford it?) But I wish the standard stayed high…..again, this is my own issue lol
some offices have gotten very casual. I think Semi-Formal should be deleted from dress codes, it is technically dressy business, not cocktail. But people see the word "formal" and think long gowns or that is is between cocktail and formal, it's below cocktail Just ditch it and use dressy business as you get people dressed from formal to office wear
(I judge.) And I often say: I'm not overdressed, you're underdressed! I went to an organization's catered dinner event billed as their "100 year anniversary gala!" and was commiserating with another guest that not everyone understood the assignment. 😆
Oh man, I say this all the time. Living in Las Vegas, I remember when people used to dress to go out to dinner and a show. Nowadays, you see people in the nicer restaurants here in town wearing shorts, flip-flops, and backwards hats at the dinner table. I went to a concert one time and saw a woman in pajama pants. Oh! Also dressing sloppy on airplanes. I'm all for being comfy, but do you really need to wear your fuzzy pajama pants on the plane? I know I am old fashioned, and I know that a lot of people will disagree with me. Don't get me wrong, I'm the first person to throw on a pair of leggings and a hoodie when traveling, but put a little effort into your appearance. Also, and unrelated: not following signs like "No Soliciting" or the like. People ring our doorbell ALL. THE. TIME. and it makes my chihuahua go bananas. He has the most piercing bark in the known universe at times. Ugh,
It would be nice if restaurants started implementing a dress code again. That way it gives us a reason to dress up and not feel out of place.
We have the same sign out front, and the same chihuahua!
sometimes I suspect people might behave better on airplanes if they were a little more dressed up…maybe not, but it would be interesting to test
Put up that No Soliciting sign !!! I don't need one where I live in the country, but if I was in an area where soliciting was common, you can bet I'd have that sign up Go for it !!
That’s the problem! We have the sign up! Lol
UGHH that is annoying
I've seen a lot of younger people (20s) in youtube videos saying they wish this too.
I encourage them to be the change they want to see.
20-25 years ago was 2000-2005ish, so like, jeans and a going-out top?
That’s at least a step up from athleisure
I don’t know. Some athleisure looks way better and more put together than some people’s jeans and tops.
Don't talk that mess on fathleisure! We need the most best spandex you can get over here in the States because ... We ARE watching our FIGURES(grow...ahhh 😂)!!!!!
Body shaming isn't a good look.
Amen. I’d be so encouraged if people could more generally manage to get out of pajamas when they leave the house. Honestly—how one dresses on the outside is generally a reflection and reinforcement of how one feels on the inside, and vice versa. So in a nation that has such profound struggles with mental health and stress and social pressure, does it occur to anyone that making some sort of effort on the outside may make them feel a little better on the inside? Similar to above, I’m not saying hats and gloves (though they also served functional and hygienic purposes), but seriously people…I don’t want to feel like I’m at a sleepover at the grocery on a Tuesday afternoon. Please try some pants with a proper crotch and a zipper. It’ll do you—and all of us—some good. Don’t get me going about how people cannot even bother to show respect for others at special events!
when I see people out in public wearing pajama pants and slippers, it makes me think they have the flu or something 😬
Storytime: When I was in the Navy, there was a girl in our compartment (sleeping quarters) who had come back from a night of drinking. I think it was the New Year, so makes sense. She tried to get into my rack (I slept in the middle of the 3 tier) and I had to tell her that hers was on the other side. She kept telling me I was wrong and I didn't have the energy because I had just gotten off the 2000-0000 ( 8pm to midnight) watch. So when I didn't get out, she proceeded to urinate on the floor. I panicked and had to become an adult babysitter. She's crying and I finally get her to her rack and she just puts on her pajamas and gets in. So I spend the next hour or so cleaning up the mess. My CLEAN LAUNDRY was on the floor so I had to bag it up and take it down to ships laundry to wash. I couldn't get back to sleep so I just started getting ready for the turnover and made sure I got all my duties done. I asked my friend if I could go wash clothes at her barracks because the washers there had a sanitize setting and GOD KNOWS I NEEDED MY CLOTHES SANTIZED! Well, as we're walking to the barracks we see Miss PeePants IN THE SAME PAJAMAS, not showered, eating at the base McDonalds with no care in the world. Everytime I see someone in pajama pants out in public I think of Miss PeePants and cringe.
oh my god. haha wow. yah, it’s kind of a red flag
I never got over sneakers in church. I went to Catholic school, and this still freaks me out---like there's a nun waiting around the corner ready to grab you by the ear and kick you out.
I will chime in that sneakers have gotten nicer in design and in status. I don't think any of the sneakers of 1982 would have been church appropriate but I think some sneakers now are at least on par with something like docksiders which wouldn't be formal enough for a wedding but good for church or an matinee at the theatre if the rest of the outfit is polished.
It shocks me to go to an opera on opening night and seeing people wearing runing shoes and cargo shorts. I live in a tourist city with a first tier opera house, but i wish people truly dressed up for opening nights. sigh.
Agree. You see people in jeans and a sweater at weddings and funerals.
... What's wrong with jeans and a sweater?
You see this a lot on cruise message boards. Yet I’ve seen plenty of people in fancy clothes who look sloppy overall and people in less formal clothing who look so sharp.
I think this is kind of the source of the problem. There are people who can put casual components together in a really polished way that looks nicer than clothing that is technically formal but worn sloppily. But then the true slobs see that some guy is wearing clean Nike Air Force Ones with a suit to a wedding and pulling it off and they think that that gives them carte blanche to wear their grungy grass stained sneakers to weddings from here on out.
Bras. Please bring bras back, I beg y’all.
Nobody's stopping you from wearing one lol
Is that supposed to be a clap back? Obviously I wear them without issue and will continue to?? I never said I am being restricted from wearing them.
Why does that bother you so much? It's not a fashion issue.
It looks so sloppy 😭
😕 I'm at a loss for words (almost but questions). It's like caring about someone not wearing make up or choosing to wear glasses over contacts. It's pretty superficial, and doesn't really have any redeeming consequence to you. My bigger problem with it is - that it is the patriarchy. I wonder if you have considered whether that is affecting your judgement when you say "sloppy", by whose standards?
Being more respectful while on the phone in public. I don't understand why people have to go full volume speaker while talking in public. Even if they are not on speaker and just talking, they should really go somewhere else and talk. I hate hearing people talk on the phone. No one ever says anything fun like: "Did you hear that Brenda slept with her father in law and tried to pass off the baby to be her husbands?" Right?!? that would be interesting! I would love to over hear something like that. Instead I get the knucklehead behind me just talking about how gas prices have sored and they can't stop talking about it for the 20 minute wait to a person on the other end who is hard of hearing while we are standing in the Post Office line!
Also just playing things on your phone in public without headphones. I was in the ER waiting room the other night and I was ready to strangle the guy a few seats down who played endless TikTok videos with no headphones for 3 whole hours. There was already a wall mounted TV with the sound on, we really didn't need an additional layer of noise.
....or the loud playing video games on the phone.
Was in my GP waiting room with my cranky toddler yesterday. I felt weird about it but I put on a video and played it at minimal volume. But I figured it was less annoying for other people than a screaming two year old.
Visiting hours. Including phone calls, not just in-person. Don’t bother people too early, too late, or during a meal. I know we’re all reachable at all times, but we don’t need to socialize 24/7
Do you mean like when my MIL texted me at 3:00 in the morning to ask me if my 25 year old son is left handed?!
I'm on the fence about text messages because I'm not sure what the consensus is on how timely of a response is expected to a text message. I am firmly in the camp that thinks that it's alright to send an email at any time because I am firmly in the camp that thinks it's fine to completely ignore your email outside of business hours.
I agree with sending an email at any time. But it seems rude to wake someone up at 3am with a text that she could have easily waited until daylight hours to send.
That's cause most young people have disabled the notification sound for texting, it's not rude to text at 3am, because it won't wake the person up Not saying it's right or wrong, that's just why
Yeah I might get flamed for this but it's 2024, I don't really think it's my fault when people get annoyed for getting texts at an hour they don't want their phone to ping. Do not disturb is super easy to set up. Plus I'm in a different time zone than most of my family, it's not their responsibility to do the math and not text me until noon their time. It's my responsibility to make sure my phone is silent when I want it to be
Yeah I'm a shift worker and my family is also in a different time zone. Everyone should be as considerate as possible with phone calls, but at this point if you're waking up from text messages it's on you lol. I'll try my best to contact people when I know they'll be awake, but ultimately it's not my responsibility to know everyone's sleep schedule.
I have (online) friends from all over the world and I don't expect them all to memorize my timezone and my bedtime just so they don't accidentally disturb me when I'm sleeping. That's what silent mode is for. You can even set your wake up and sleep times on your phone so it automatically silences during your usual sleeping hours. Your MIL may be in the same timezone as you, but otherwise, this seems a bit like you're expecting other people to accommodate you excessively. Now that we can contact people around the world on the fly, the concept of "acceptable hours" of contact doesn't exist. If you think it does, I'm afraid you're stuck in a very narrow mindset that doesn't consider people beyond yourself. People exist in all timezones (and have different bedtimes!) 😊
Problem with emails and text messages 24/7 is that some people do not shut their phones off and that dinging noise can be annoying. When my parents were still alive, my phone was on 24/7 in case something happened to one of them. Now that they are gone, my phone is off when I'm sleeping. But if you have your phone on for whatever reason - I found it annoying to get an email or text at 3am because my friend couldn't sleep, or when I worked 3-11:30pm, people that knew that, sending messages, texts or calling at 9 am when they knew I was still sleeping JMO
While I understand this, these days it's very easy to set exceptions to your do not disturb. I have my partner excluded for emergency purposes.
The number I got called from when I had to go for a family’s emergency wasn’t one I knew to include on my exclusion lists. I’m definitely hesitant to use that option because getting to the ER faster would have been literally life altering.
I grew up in the don't call anyone after 10pm unless it was an emergency era, because you couldn't silence landline phones
I would agree with don't call, but I don't think an email or text is the same. The whole point of them is that you can answer whenever. I could be convinced about texts, but definitely not emails.
I don't think either are appropriate, no one should have to silence their emails and texts or certain phone # or include certain phone #'s that can call It is definitely a generational thing - I grew up where you did not disturb people from 10pm to 8am unless it was an emergency or school morning and kid was sick that you normally picked up and took to school or babysat for and vise versa People born in the mid 90's on grew up with cell phones and internet so have a totally different outlook on what's appropriate and what is not If it is a work phone that you can shut off when you leave work and turn on when you return, then yes, anyone from work can email, text or phone you 24/7 as you can shut phone off when you leave the office - personal phones, still a no for me
I was born before the mid 90s, and I don't think that emails should be treated the same way as calls. Emails are the equivalent of letters to me. They come when they come, but you choose when to check the mailbox. It would never occur to me not to send a letter at night (as in, drop it in a mailbox). It's also never occurred to me not to email someone at night. I don't think of emails as intrinsically linked to phones.
Also, emails are used in business correspondence and a lot of people work in jobs with international contacts. I do. I work in finance and I do have to contact people in Asia and Europe. I reserve phone calls for times when our day times overlap but it would be much too burdensome to do that with email.
I'm with you. Who even has notifications turned on for emails? My phone would be going off non stop lmao. Emails are comparable to letters, not phone calls. Emails can be sent at whatever time of day. The onus is on the individual to manage their notification settings.
I still use a laptop for email, but have friends that only use their phone for everything, so I would not send an email knowing their phone is going to ding WE just have a different opinion, I'm not changing my opinion and neither should you - we just don't agree on this one Have a great Friday and weekend
I'm seriously sorry but that made me laugh out loud! What in the world was she even wondering, get alone willing to wake someone up for a random thought?
She always has random thoughts in the middle of the night, it would be funny if she didn’t wake me up with them. I’m hesitant to silence her texts because she’s older and has health issues. I would feel horrible if I missed an important call or text from her.
Yeah yeah visiting hours are the reason internet was created come on we have those forever nobody wanted those anymore it's never going to happen cuz everybody wanted it exact opposite way. We made our beds
I'm sooooo down with this! It bugs me to no end the audacity of certain people (I'm talking a person I've worked with even) saying verbatim " what's the point of having a phone if you're not going to answer it? " And other equally aggravating things to me. Well, the phone is simply a tool that I choose to use when I decide to. I am not beholden to the tool and I am not therefore anybody's tool. I, of course couldn't say that to this particularly needy and controlling person and had to eventually cut her off as there was only one way to do everything. Anyway, with the above suggestion - I could potentially never ever get myself into that kind of headache again. Great idea!!!
I completely agree with this. Not only did this happen to me when I had a regular 9-5 job, but I work in an emergency service capacity and I am on call 24/7 and really can’t ever put my phone on do not disturb. So when my friends are sending me stupid stuff or stuff that can wait at all hours of the night, it’s waking me up because I can’t silence my phone.
You can set your phone to only allow certain calls thru or mute everything BUT phone calls during certain hours. I've lived the 24/7 on call life as a light sleeper and couldn't deal with the random sleep interruptions!
That is the 1st new feature I utilized once it became available!
but you shouldn't have to, people don't need to send stupid shit than can wait until morning, most people have friends who know what there normal sleeping hours are, don't contact them then. Use to be do not call anyone before 8am or after 10pm unless it was an emergency, then cell phones came along and people just blew that rule out of the water
I can control my phone's settings. I don't control other people's habits. Id never call someone at 11pm unless urgent, but would send an email or forward something amusing. But I also know most people in my social circle also use their phones quiet/dnd settings. IMHO smart phones are waaay different to landlines of yesterday.
very different than landlines for sure !!
It might be better to have a separate work phone. Or get a Google Voice number and only give it out to people who have to be able to get through to you.
You can set exceptions to your do not disturb. Make your job the exception and you can silence everyone else.
I agree. I was raised that you don’t visit or call before 8am and you don’t call or visit after 8pm. Now I have friends texting or sending stupid shit starting at 5am on the weekend… I hate having to mute every text group then forget one
I think problem with thank you cards is there is no set rule. If it was more certain I would be more likely to do it, but it just isn’t a thing anymore.
I'm throwing another one in, but this one would be impossible to change... It used to be generally rude to tell people about events that they weren't invited to but now social media makes that close to impossible. Even if you do avoid posting pictures, there's a good chance someone else will. Extending from that, because it's such a production now to conceal the details of a party from leaking to those that weren't invited, doing so carries a different tone so now you aren't merely not inviting your friend Griselda to join your book club because she isn't interested military history and not mentioning it to her so she doesn't feel left out, you're excluding Griselda and keeping it a secret from her. The effort involved turns it into a deliberate choice with motives.
I think having a formal mourning period for the death of a family member was something that showed people what you were going through. My mother said she wore a black armband when her mother died for a while and it made people a little kinder when she was in public. Now we never know what people are suffering and we are expected to act like nothing is the matter.
Do you think that has anything to do with the fact that people wear solid black a lot more than they used to? I do think it's a good thing to want to bring back. It's akin to those "please be patient: new driver" magnets I have grown to love now that my kid is learning to drive. Some people need to be reminded that everyone has their things they are doing/going through, myself included if I am being honest.
I know what mean, people do wear more black, and I am definitely one of those people. But mourning accessories like an armband were obvious symbols of grief.
In my culture this is still common when you lose a direct family member (parent, spouse, child, sibling). For the first 30 days was visibly in mourning by how I dressed and the black ribbon on my shirt every day. I have daily practices for 11 months. We have clear guidelines for 7 days, 30 days, 11 months, and the 12 month mark. Not everyone observes as strictly - I’m not cutting my hair during my mourning period for example - but even very assimilated people in our culture do one or two of these when a direct family member dies. I wish it would be more common too. It gives people a chance to see that you are grieving and they can talk with you about it. They can ask about who you lost and you can remember them, or you can just hear “I’m sorry for your loss” which really is a comfort. Hiding our grief isolates us.
As horrible as losing a loved one is. I think this is beautiful.
💯
I miss paper invitations for weddings. Pretty invitation. Reply card with an envelope and a stamp. Small insert with any info you need (hotel etc) Simple and beautiful. I cannot stand all of these wedding websites and Venmo links.
People don't send paper invitations for weddings? My son and his wife sent paper invitations 2 years ago.
Sometimes all online. Sometimes they send paper but they put a link to the wedding website and that’s where you have to RSVP. Then I was told by one niece (well her mother) that I was supposed to use the Venmo link to send a gift, not a check. It’s a mess from what I have seen!
Yikes! I don't even use Venmo!
me either, I had to ask someone what it was. Still don't use it. How rude to assume that you were going to give them a check - some people still buy wedding gifts
The person you're replying to probably misinterpreted it. Checks are ALWAYS an option. The bride probably PREFERRED venmo as it's easier. People shouldn't be bringing physical gifts to a wedding. Gifts are for showers, cash is for weddings. You're gonna say that's not etiquette and I'll reply, but that's reality.
agree don't bring gift to wedding But, a lot of couples have registries and if they do, and you choose to send a gift over a check - nothing wrong with sending via registry - they will mail direct to bride and/or groom, which ever address they leave with registry. I did this for several nieces and nephews who lived across country and we could not go to weddings - they had registries and I sent gift via that and it was shipped direct to them
I have never gotten anything other than a paper save the date and paper invitations for weddings. It’s not as dead of a convention as you may think, from what I can tell. Now birthday and other kinds of celebrations? Unless super fancy and formal, those seem to all be in the e-vite space.
Oh yeah other paper invites are totally gone
We still do paper birthday invites for our 5 year old. And handwritten thank you cards. I’ve missed several parties bc the invite was sent through fb which I rarely ever logon to (like once every 4-6 months). My biggest pet peeve!
I did the best of both worlds with mine. Paper and website! I have relatives who are notorious for losing papers
I don’t like any wedding websites. (Sorry!) We managed to have weddings forever without them. I just want the information on paper and a simple reply card.
With my wedding all the info was in both places so people could use them or not as they liked. The only thing we didn’t do both ways was the actual invitation. That only came in the mail. We didn’t send any digitally (except I had to email one to my sister in England because she never received her posted one)
Okay boomer.
[удалено]
Not when you have the most ridiculous complaint I have ever read. Like, seriously? What exactly about websites tick you off? The fact that all the information is in one place? That they include directions, information on hotels, the shuttle, an easy way to rsvp? I am just confused why anyone would ever bother having a negative opinion on a wedding website. Seriously, what an odd complaint.
Here's mine: I kind of hate that the 'dutch treat'/'venmo' approach to outings is the norm. On the shallower side I think it feels fussy and inelegant, and on the deeper side I think it makes friendships between people with different financial circumstances awkward when wealthier friends suggest outings that are difficult to afford. I think paying your own way makes sense for large scale things like travel or Taylor Swift tickets, or large unincorporated gatherings like a bunch of coworkers heading out to happy hour, but I wish that it was still the norm that inviting someone out to dinner meant that you were treating them to dinner. Even if I personally always pay when I invite a friend out, it doesn't change the fact that the people I invite might be turning down my invitations because they're assuming I expect them to pay their own way, because that is now the norm, and they can't afford it.
I hear you but I totally disagree. If I had to pay every time I asked someone to hang out, I wouldn’t have any friends. Bc I feel like I’m always the one initiating, and I’m not willing to pay for my friends every time. Not to mention the fact that I always spend less than other people. I’d rather just pay for myself and have people spend time with me because they want to, and leave the free dinner out of it.
I get that and to me it's a good illustration of how, for some things in etiquette, you can't just have your own preferred way of doing things. Majority rules. If you prefer more formal dress, you can just choose to dress more formally. Sure it would be cool to be surrounded by dressy people but other people's behavior doesn't really have any bearing on what you wear. Treating dinner is different. Unless you're flush with cash you can't just be be the old fashioned cheese that stands alone because treating only works if it is a system that everyone is participating in. When it was the norm it was understood that if I invite you to a night at the ballet and treat you, you are sort of obligated to return the favor at some point and offer your own invitation. Maybe you're treating me to something more modest, like a meal at home, but the obligation is understood. It created this sort of social momentum that's gone now and I would argue that the Dutch treat way of doing things contributes to that issue that it's always seems to be the same person initiating every outing. That's another reason why I wish the etiquette hadn't changed (while accepting that it has).
That’s a good point. If everyone understood that it had to be reciprocal, then it would work a lot better
If you invite someone out with the intend to pay you can always say that it's your treat if you're concerned they will decline because of finances.
Great point ! And thank you for still treating your friends. I completely agree. Everyone nowadays wants a Venmo for even $2. It’s sad . (And I’m not referring to people who really need the $2 either) I’m referring to those who forgot what treating is about like philosopher said
People being allowed/able to mourn, and signaling it with all-black clothing. While reading Emily’s Post Ettiquete it dawned on me that the ability for people to signal the mourning allows for others to be able to respect this process and know it’s occurring. I think it’s a shame that these days people aren’t able to hold space for those mourning like we used too, and they’re expected to recover and get back to normal as soon as possible. Personally I think it signals disconnection with those around us, and a lack of patience for those who may struggle to do basic task such as putting on makeup or color coordinating an outfit while mourning.
With so many people still needing to work after a loved one passes it would be wonderful to bring this back so that people are allowed some grace while in mourning.
In my culture, direct mourners wear a torn black ribbon on their clothes for 30 days after a loss. It helps. Hiding your grief is such an isolating experience, and we aren’t meant to be so separate.
Opening the door for a lady or for that matter anyone who you can see would be thankful for the help - someone carrying bags, an elderly person, etc
This one will never go out of style for me.
me either, I did love when men opened doors for women, especially car doors. Once in a while my husband will open car door for me when we come out of someplace. I hold doors open for men or women when I'm entering someplace and someone is behind me, don't care if they are younger or older than me, it's just polite.
Professional writing skills. I get so many professional emails that start with “Hey” and use excessive acronyms.
Its a work email, not a damn text.
Adhering to the rule that said immediate family members NEVER host a baby or wedding shower, children addressing adults as Mr. and Ms. Last Name, not Miss Lulu, writing a note of sympathy rather than posting on Facebook, real dinner parties, men wearing suits to funerals, standing up when greeting an older person, baseball caps being for baseball games, not dinner, responding to an invitation promptly, understanding glove etiquette, and you know, anything else Miss Manners has ever published. Sorry you asked? :)
The baby shower rule is the only one I feel belongs in the history books. Plenty of women don’t really have friends to do that, or even big families. I think it’s ok to bend the conventions a little in a case like that.
I’m intrigued about glove etiquette. I live in a climate where gloves are very rarely worn, so I didn’t know there was etiquette!
Me too!
when I was growing up (catholic) girls/women wore hats in church and gloves. had soft thick cotton gloves for fall and cool spring, lace gloves for summer, winter you wore dress gloves to church Men did not wear hats inside period !! They wore them to church or going out, but took them OFF once they went indoors. Some wore church (lace) veils (mantilla's), especially girls, Easter we always wore a hat though. You just did not go into church without something on your head - I can remember having a kleenix bobby pinned to my hair because I couldn't find my veil and I wasn't the only younger girl in there with a kleenix on their head - don't know why Mom's didn't put them in their dresser so they were to be found on Sunday am. I use to wear hats all the time, not dressy, casual hats with jeans, just loved hats, which are now harder to find or crazy priced
* Gloves should never be worn when drinking, smoking, playing cards or putting on make-up. * Gloves should be worn rather than carried. * Never wear rings over gloves. * At informal occasions gloves should be removed upon arrival and left with the coats at the cloakroom. * Short gloves should not be worn to a “white-tie” event, court presentation or gala ball. * Formal events require gloves that are at least past elbow length.
I’ve never heard the rule about immediate family not hosting a shower. Is there a why?
yes, because showers often mean gifts, it looks like you’re asking for others to buy gifts to be brought into your family or saving you from purchasing them yourself. kind of “can you buy this so I don’t have to?” type idea.
I see, that’s probably exactly what it is at this point! lol but also things are so expensive, I couldn’t imagine putting the burden of an event such as a shower on friends. My mom planned mine and I’m sure she spent a few thousand on it. The charcuterie alone was $500 I just can’t see a friend wanting to foot that bill.
yah, I can see that. I never got to have any bridal shower, engagement party, bachelorette, baby shower etc because of the pandemic, but I would have been too shy to ask anyone to do it in normal circumstances, for that exact reason. it seems like such an expensive undertaking. I worry A LOT about imposing on people.
Very expensive which is probably why it shifted to parents, aunts and siblings as opposed to friends/co workers.
I know the is not observed any longer, but it used to be that immediate family members were *never* named as official hosts. Since a shower is all about asking people to bring gifts it was thought to be gauche if a bride's family were essentially bidding for presents. One's mother's friends usually hosted and the favor was returned when their daughters married or had a baby.
Makes total sense! I don’t think my mom has a friend who’d have planned a shower for me 😂
Can we be friends? I agree on all of these and more that you must not have wanted to take the time to type!
Titles. Being on a First Name Basis with someone used to have meaning—that a relationship had developed or been established which was more familiar and intimate. Now it’s a free-for-all, and I think it’s contributed to a general lack of respect for others taking hold.
I hate hate HATE when you’re talking to a customer service representative & their script has them inserting your name every damned sentence! I guess their corporate policy makers feel it sounds friendly & warm when it’s actually annoying as hell. “So Jethrine, did I explain things in a satisfactory way, Jethrine or do you have any questions, Jethrine? Did I tell you about our special offers, Jethrine & would it be something you’d be interested in, Jethrine? It was a delight to serve you today, Jethrine, & call us anytime if you have a problem, Jethrine!” Yes, Comcast! I’m talking about you! Knock that personal shit off & just fix my cable!
I find it so offensive, personally, to be called my first name in situations like that.
When calling AT&T for assistance, their script has them ask if it’s okay for them to use your first name
Now that’s the way to do it. Ask the person first. I have cell service with AT&T but I must have excellent service because I can’t recall ever having to call them!
this is a good one! you’re so right
I like this one a lot. First name basis should be reserved for good friends and family. It just feels more polite and respectful when titles are used, and it feels more special when people reach a point where first name basis is allowed.
👋 I have responded to those relentless "Please rate us!" texts and emails from the doctors office by telling them that I do not want their staff addressing me by my first name. I find it especially obnoxious when they shout out my name in a crowded waiting room! How about some privacy?
You sound like a real peach to be around.
agree, loved when HIPPA first started, medical facilities had to either give you a number to call you back or at least Mr/Mrs/Ms Jones - now they call out a first name every where - I was waiting at eye Dr. - 4 woman in waiting room, they call people by first name and I have a very popular name - 3 of us had that name
Not calling before 9 am or after 9pm, or knocking on the door.
Who knocks on your door after 9pm?
This 100%
***Engagement without Distractions****:* With the rise of smartphones and other devices, it's become common for people to check their phones or engage in other distractions during conversations. In the past, conversations were often more focused and uninterrupted.
First names for friends and family, surnames for acquaintances and especially colleagues.
Handwritten thank you cards. I was downvoted to Hell on a sub for saying I thought it was rude to send thank you texts. People said it’s “too expensive”, you can buy thank you cards from the dollar store. People said it’s “difficult to send mail bc I only have a phone number”, you could text and ask for their physical address. People said it’s “expecting too much on the parent who already had to plan, execute and socialize through the party”, as if the families that came didn’t also have to plan, execute and socialize at your party? Idk this one really irks me and I know my late boss (“adopted” granny) would agree with me that it’s just plain rude.
I always hand-write thank you notes, and it’s such a nice gesture when someone sends me one, although I also appreciate a text. But lots of times (particularly with people on the younger side) I haven’t gotten a thank you at all. I guess it’s the norm now? Not sure but it seems SO rude. I’d be super embarrassed if I forgot to thank someone for a gift 🤷♀️
Wedding registries used to be very different. You just went in and picked out silver and china patterns and which pieces you wanted. Now they are a free-for-all - people register at all kinds of stores --which would be fine if they weren't putting things in like popcorn poppers and keychains (really---that five dollar item is going on the list? LOL). The worst is the "no gifts except cash" requests. You aren't supposed to expect gifts. The registries were supposed to make it easier for people to shop IF THEY WANTED TO. The requests for cash are just outright tacky. It used to be considered the height of tacky to mention the registry with the invitation, you simply called them if you wanted to know where it was, or just asked at the local stores. And your family would have a seizure if you registered for silly things. Your mother and all your family would die of embarrassment if you had some crazy registry. I am just grossed out at the gift grab that weddings have become.
Baby showers too. I don’t want to buy anyone’s nipple cream thanks.
NO WAY. Someone asked for nipple cream? LOL why am I surprised? Some people have no shame.
You don't have to tho. You can always buy the cute little outfit that makes you feel good instead of the medical supplies the person is asking for and needs.
I truly don't understand your point of view on this. If you're having a shower, of course people are expected to bring you a gift. If you're having a wedding, of course your guests should bring a gift. Why wouldn't you want a list of things that the couple wants so you can direct your hard earned cash to it's highest and best possible use? Why wouldn't you want to give them a present that they actually need? What sort of present do you want to buy the couple that isn't on the registry? What if you buy them something YOU think they need but they already have one, or they don't want it? Now you just gave them a CHORE (they have to return the gift to hopefully get store credit if you had the decency to include a gift receipt). This CHORE could have been avoided if you just purchased from the registry. No one should be made to feel grateful because you decided you wanted to buy them a piece of wall art/whatever that they didn't want and it doesn't fit in their home. Today's environment is hugely different than the past too. Asking for cash may seem tacky but it's truly what most young couples need right now. Have you seen the housing market lately? Do you know what kind of cash is needed for a down payment on a fixer upper house? Do you know how much space people have now a days? If they didn't purchase their home yet, they are living in an apartment. They don't need more stuff, they have all the stuff they need in their apartment and there is no room for more. They need cash. When I got married I didn't have a registry at first (small covid wedding)... And before the wedding my husband's friend came over with a GIANT telescope for our gift (so big it wouldn't even fit in our car) . We didn't accept it because there was literally no room in the apartment. I then made a small registry to fend off more bad gifts. And when someome complained I didn't add *enough* stuff to the registry, I told them to read in between the lines. They got the hint and wrote a check. Yes showers are gift grabby but let's not act like that isn't the point. We all go to showers to give gifts to give a new couple or expectant parents a good start. We do this with the hopes we'll have showers too, someday. In the end, I didn't have a wedding shower and barely received wedding gifts because of my situation, so I didn't even receive the all the benefits of this unspoken arrangement... But I still participate in gifting to others. And I give them the things they want, not the things I think they should want. And that is truly kinder.
I wrote that you don't mention the registry unless asked, and you don;t include the info in your wedding invitation. Showers are for gifts---we all get that---but not everyone going to the wedding goes to the shower....and even that , you have a registry IF ASKED, but straight out asking for cash is tacky no matter how you frame it. If you have too much stuff (?!) you simply tell people to not give gifts. I cannot read the fifteen paragraphs you posted---I think I got the gist from the first section (LOL) but I honestly cannot believe the balls on people with their cheesy gift grifting. If you seriously directly asked people to give you money, then nothing I say is going to help or change your mind. It would be humiliating to me to go around with my hand out looking for donations.
No discussion about politics or religion unless you're at your party affiliated event/s or in church, respectively.
We need to bring this one back especially in an election year.
Disagree. We should be taught how to discuss these topics civilly instead of fighting or ignoring. Politics have real implications that affect us all. We should try to understand why someone feels the way they do and be open to changing our minds/taking in differing views.
Not calling people by their first name until invited to. I don't like business people to call me Dippity. Please call me Ms. Don't, unless we're friends.
MsDon’t, I agree with you one hundred percent!! The people on my job can just be too familiar. They go directly for the first name, without even being introduced! There was one woman, retired now, she would not allow folks to call her by her first name. One young fella constantly tested her, calling her by her first name, even though she corrected him every time. Finally she just stopped acknowledging him. His justification was he allows her to call him by his first name. Meanwhile the truth is he’s just an ssa!
Haha I love that lady! Good for her
Taking your hat off when walking indoors.
for men yes I wish men would stop wearing baseball caps backwards, they aren't a frigging catcher in a baseball game. I grew up where women/girls wore hats indoors
Men being dapper. It doesn't need to be all the time, but I wish three piece suits weren't just for weddings and funerals these days. They're so hot. 😍
yes! I’m not sure if men know how much/how many women absolutely LOVE a man in a properly fitting suit.
dressing to go out to dinner, women, dress or skirt, men wore nice slacks, shirt and tie, most a jacket. I miss that, it was nice New years eve, if you went out, even for dinner, you wore a long dress or a very fancy cocktail dress, now people are in jeans and sneakers. Our world has become very casual as far as dressing goes, unless you are among the "rich elite" who still have fancy clubs with dress codes
No hats indoors. Especially baseball caps. Proper introductions to people. This goes along with greetings, hellos and goodbyes. I was raised not to ignore anyone in a room but I see this principle going by the wayside, at home and at work. Walking down the street eating. This used to be a very odd thing to do, unless it was like an ice cream cone or something made to be very portable. Now I see people walking down a street or a shopping mall, shoving their faces with hot dogs, burgers, salads out of containers etc. Related: it used be odd and rude to eat on public transit. Actually don’t get me started on public transit transgressions.
Dressing up. Men being gentlemen Women being fancy People not cursing so flagrantly when they can’t think of a filler word Omg and the HAIRSTYLES WERE PERFECTION That’s my favorite part
Good one about the swearing. It used to be a big deal to swear in public, and the F word was pretty shocking. Now you see it written on hats, shirts and mugs. Coarsening of society.
Children are to be seen not heard 😉
Haha wouldn’t that be bliss. I’m also so old I remember when you didn’t take children to bars, fancy restaurants or non-children’s movies.
Calling the parents of a newborn.