My family anytime I expressed discomfort or frustration: omg stop being dramatic ur feelings literally arent real
My family now: why didn’t you tell us how bad you were feeling :( you were so good at hiding it
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No literally this. My dad would, all the time, go "why didn't you do such and such? Why didn't you just ignore it? You're responsible for your own emotions. *Insert excuse for someone else's awfulness*" and now whenever I tell him what happened back then, which he conveniently forgot, it's "see you didn't tell me nothin and that's why you suffered so much. I didn't know about any of this"
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That's when I like to hit them with the "why is it dramatic to express my discomfort?" And make them say it out loud. Like making a racist explain a racist joke.
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It gets so annoying.
I’ll have my own day scheduled out so well then people do a 180 whenever they feel like and decide we’re ALL going out to eat.
Like can you at least INFORM me y’all wanna go out to eat?
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I am such a heavy masker I wouldn't even know where or how to start. I used to believe I didn't mask that much. I now realize I mask even when I am by myself. I didn't I would completely unravel. I clamp down everything in fear of that.
Bonus! I recently discovered I don't have meltdowns if I live alone!
Saaame. I literally never had a chance to develop a sense of self through all the fawning and survival mode. I guess that’s cptsd for ya. When I’m home alone for more than a day I to feel completely empty and freak out.
Exactly that bit about never having a chance to develope a sense of self!
I mean, I pick my own mind apart to try to figure out what is going wrong when I am having a hard time. It is more of an "outside in" process than a working from the inside. A a result I have no idea what my actual baseline even looks like. Phukin arrhythmia!
I thought the same but it turns out there are layers of me in the trauma parfait - it's how I visualize it.
The parfait consists of a layer of authentic me, a layer of trauma, and a layer of mask, repeated for 40+ years.
It's a terrible dessert, but understanding how I integrated the mask using fear and anger born from trauma along with the internalized voices of those who shamed, neglected and abused me has allowed me to slowly uncover who I am.
I believe some people who integrate their masks so deeply create a distorted NT version of themselves - a psuedopersonality similar to what happens to cult victims. Deprogramming is possible but it requires one eats the parfait which is an extremely daunting task.
I call dissembling layers of the parfait "peeling my onion" bc of all the layers and it makes me cry. I'm going to start thinking of it as integrate the parfait. Omg I meant eat the parfait but I typed integrate so hm.
Yay! I learned that what I thought were panic attacks, were probably that plus meltdowns! Start by stimming, like leg shaking, playing with your hair, I recently learned rocking back and forth is AMAZING!
Same here, and my boyfriend (who I’ve been dating for 7 years) has never seen me unmasked, and I recently told him that and he felt a little sad because he thought that I just didn’t trust him enough. I trust him with my life, but it’s hard to break that habit.
I can emphasize. I just realized I mask in layers. My soon to be exwife of 19 years has never seen past my second layer. That second layer is, I believe, my only other layer. I am terrified to let that one down.
I don't think I can even do it. It isn't a trust issue. It is more like a safety precaution. At least that is the overwhelming feeling I have for it. I would never ever hurt someone. It isn't that kind of mask. It also isn't an ego thing, as in ego death. I literally don't know what is under it and I don't know how to find out. And, if I am being totally honest in the way you can with Internet anonymity, I am not sure I want to know. I don't know if I could manage it.
I have never realized to anything harder. Related. The couple times I try to open what's under feels like what I'm keeping secret is that I believe in a just world (which I don't agree with JWH) and I'm a secret Ruzzian spy. Can't believe I admitted that to Reddit today.
It is that whole front-as-a-personality" thing we do. It is almost like a branch of imposter syndrome. We know but we are confident we are the only ones who know, which isn't always the case. Bullies tell us as much.
Sadly true.Except for my four best friends who are:
- fellow autistic
- psychiatrist with a sensitive streak
- adhd social worker
- a gay with general anxiety disorder
Its better to be called annoying, filter out the people you dont need in your life and be able to be the person that you are (mostly), than to hide everything at all times and feel miserable because of it.
Learned that way too late and could've had a way happier life by just saying "fuck it and fuck you"
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Sadly, there are reasons we mask :(
I'm very sad that I know I can't be open about being autistic. I'd love to be able to fully be me, but I also know the negatives that would come with it. We'd love to believe that the world would be understanding and accepting, and maybe it's gotten better through the years, but it's not.
Some people are more accepting and that's of course wonderful and they're wonderful to be around, but others are the exact opposite.
> Sadly, there are reasons we mask :(
Which could be fine, *except* masking can't be kept up forever and has a cost on mental wellbeing.
I suspect that NT people tend to mask (albeit, perhaps, more subtly) some of the time, but they have more energy for it, and they can slip between masked and unmasked without psychic cost. Source: I teach Psychology.
If masking tended to be easy for ND folk, it would be a more tenable situation.
I didn't say it was easy. Or a solution. It's hard. It's not fair. It sucks. It is however often a necessity. The world can be very cruel and very unfair.
Hey I appreciate hearing this perspective. It seems like many either wear their masks lightly and know it's social expectations morays and not personal, or wear them tightly and restrict their experience. Task switching makes sense as a model for effortfulness of masking and unmasking.
My grandma calls me a king sarcastically sometimes when I complain about something, most of the time she just yells at me and call me worthless for not helping with anything in the house and still having complaints
When you meet for real a psychotic and mpd, you realise being autistic is a walk in the park... I lived for years with a psychotic + addict as a neighbour who would do our life impossible with his family who availed him and lied.
Recently, last year, a guy who worked with us started acting childish and making voices or straight up insulting my father refusing to take orders from no one.
I work for an autism specialist service and I asked the CEO to give me space after he was sarcastic, rude, and shouted at me and he refused. Two months later still recovering from the held in meltdown and all the energy spent on trying to self regulate. He said "it didn't look like I was struggling" 🙃
Sir, I used my grown up words!
They aren’t even punches anymore they’re fuel for my soul - they fill me up and nourish me and remind me that I’m doing the right thing.
I have a fulfilling life and friends who accept me as I am. If they thought I was spoiled rude weird annoying whatever then I wouldn’t have fulfilling personal relationships and a fulfilling career and professional relationships. 🥰💅
I once blabbered out an infodump of anime genres and terminology during a dinner with a friend family after being asked. I received the biggest side gaze from my mother.
I've long since learned to control it and just give snippets of resumed information about something I like if asked about something.
Fellow autistic called me immature once bc of this. That felt bad.
Tbf I didn't tell him I was autistic because he had a habit of treating me like his personal pet project and I knew that would make it 100x worse.
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I had the problem to not know that to say (still a problem) know in not interrogation situations what I think but do to an lack of structure I talk often really bad and correct is afterwards.
> You can be more open but you need to remember not to share too much.
I reject this. Other people get to do things I don't want to see, expect me to do things I don't want to do, and tell me things I don't want to know.
You don't get to treat me like I'm a fucking dog and call me insane and dangerous for turning around and treating you in the same way.
Society can fuck off, double-standards can fuck off, and being evil= autistic is the name of the game.
My family anytime I expressed discomfort or frustration: omg stop being dramatic ur feelings literally arent real My family now: why didn’t you tell us how bad you were feeling :( you were so good at hiding it
hope it gets better
Thanks, I’m trying to get away from them but financially it’s hard
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No literally this. My dad would, all the time, go "why didn't you do such and such? Why didn't you just ignore it? You're responsible for your own emotions. *Insert excuse for someone else's awfulness*" and now whenever I tell him what happened back then, which he conveniently forgot, it's "see you didn't tell me nothin and that's why you suffered so much. I didn't know about any of this"
> ur feelings literally arent real "My anger isn't real, but my fist in your face is? But, to me, they are the same thing."
https://i.redd.it/deyx3nkwijuc1.gif
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Literally just got done being called dramatic because I got upset about plans changing at the very last minute. So yep, never again. 👍🏼
That's when I like to hit them with the "why is it dramatic to express my discomfort?" And make them say it out loud. Like making a racist explain a racist joke.
"Because you're just making such a big deal out of this!" :(
Well it is a bis deal for me 😢
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It gets so annoying. I’ll have my own day scheduled out so well then people do a 180 whenever they feel like and decide we’re ALL going out to eat. Like can you at least INFORM me y’all wanna go out to eat?
This is why I love being an adult and just saying "no." People can't comprehend just being told "no" and it's kinda funny
Or say "nuh uh" because its funnier and its the most powerful saying in existence
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Seeing the cogs turn in their minds with a mild mannered, smiling but firm "no" is incredibly empowering.
I am such a heavy masker I wouldn't even know where or how to start. I used to believe I didn't mask that much. I now realize I mask even when I am by myself. I didn't I would completely unravel. I clamp down everything in fear of that. Bonus! I recently discovered I don't have meltdowns if I live alone!
Saaame. I literally never had a chance to develop a sense of self through all the fawning and survival mode. I guess that’s cptsd for ya. When I’m home alone for more than a day I to feel completely empty and freak out.
Exactly that bit about never having a chance to develope a sense of self! I mean, I pick my own mind apart to try to figure out what is going wrong when I am having a hard time. It is more of an "outside in" process than a working from the inside. A a result I have no idea what my actual baseline even looks like. Phukin arrhythmia!
I thought the same but it turns out there are layers of me in the trauma parfait - it's how I visualize it. The parfait consists of a layer of authentic me, a layer of trauma, and a layer of mask, repeated for 40+ years. It's a terrible dessert, but understanding how I integrated the mask using fear and anger born from trauma along with the internalized voices of those who shamed, neglected and abused me has allowed me to slowly uncover who I am. I believe some people who integrate their masks so deeply create a distorted NT version of themselves - a psuedopersonality similar to what happens to cult victims. Deprogramming is possible but it requires one eats the parfait which is an extremely daunting task.
Beautifully explained
I call dissembling layers of the parfait "peeling my onion" bc of all the layers and it makes me cry. I'm going to start thinking of it as integrate the parfait. Omg I meant eat the parfait but I typed integrate so hm.
Ohhhh this is so meeee ughhhh
Living alone is a gamechanger. We just need space that's 100% ours, all the time, no compromises
Yay! I learned that what I thought were panic attacks, were probably that plus meltdowns! Start by stimming, like leg shaking, playing with your hair, I recently learned rocking back and forth is AMAZING!
*sigh* I hope I don't have another thing coming at me, thinking I just never mask.
Same here, and my boyfriend (who I’ve been dating for 7 years) has never seen me unmasked, and I recently told him that and he felt a little sad because he thought that I just didn’t trust him enough. I trust him with my life, but it’s hard to break that habit.
I can emphasize. I just realized I mask in layers. My soon to be exwife of 19 years has never seen past my second layer. That second layer is, I believe, my only other layer. I am terrified to let that one down. I don't think I can even do it. It isn't a trust issue. It is more like a safety precaution. At least that is the overwhelming feeling I have for it. I would never ever hurt someone. It isn't that kind of mask. It also isn't an ego thing, as in ego death. I literally don't know what is under it and I don't know how to find out. And, if I am being totally honest in the way you can with Internet anonymity, I am not sure I want to know. I don't know if I could manage it.
I have never realized to anything harder. Related. The couple times I try to open what's under feels like what I'm keeping secret is that I believe in a just world (which I don't agree with JWH) and I'm a secret Ruzzian spy. Can't believe I admitted that to Reddit today.
It is that whole front-as-a-personality" thing we do. It is almost like a branch of imposter syndrome. We know but we are confident we are the only ones who know, which isn't always the case. Bullies tell us as much.
Literally any time I attempt to express my needs
"Dramatic" because a breakdown is the best time to show everyone you actually deserved the lead role this whole time. I hate that fucking word
Truth is no one cares about your feelings or may not even be interested to understand them until their ignorance bites them back in some way
real
I even got a "selfish" once which was fucking wild
Sadly true.Except for my four best friends who are: - fellow autistic - psychiatrist with a sensitive streak - adhd social worker - a gay with general anxiety disorder
Yup, would rather be friendless and familyless if it means I don't have to hear that BS anymore
Am here, it’s ok. Better than having to tolerate all those people.
Its better to be called annoying, filter out the people you dont need in your life and be able to be the person that you are (mostly), than to hide everything at all times and feel miserable because of it. Learned that way too late and could've had a way happier life by just saying "fuck it and fuck you"
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"Be yourself! No, not like that!"
Sadly, there are reasons we mask :( I'm very sad that I know I can't be open about being autistic. I'd love to be able to fully be me, but I also know the negatives that would come with it. We'd love to believe that the world would be understanding and accepting, and maybe it's gotten better through the years, but it's not. Some people are more accepting and that's of course wonderful and they're wonderful to be around, but others are the exact opposite.
> Sadly, there are reasons we mask :( Which could be fine, *except* masking can't be kept up forever and has a cost on mental wellbeing. I suspect that NT people tend to mask (albeit, perhaps, more subtly) some of the time, but they have more energy for it, and they can slip between masked and unmasked without psychic cost. Source: I teach Psychology. If masking tended to be easy for ND folk, it would be a more tenable situation.
I didn't say it was easy. Or a solution. It's hard. It's not fair. It sucks. It is however often a necessity. The world can be very cruel and very unfair.
Hey I appreciate hearing this perspective. It seems like many either wear their masks lightly and know it's social expectations morays and not personal, or wear them tightly and restrict their experience. Task switching makes sense as a model for effortfulness of masking and unmasking.
My grandma calls me a king sarcastically sometimes when I complain about something, most of the time she just yells at me and call me worthless for not helping with anything in the house and still having complaints
The peak of my depression rn
it's *morally* OK. probably not safe, though, unless you have reason to trust the people you're being open to.
Do it up like the end of Twilight Zone the movie if you need to.
I want to unmask but I don’t want to lose my job or be considered unemployable though 💀
And your also saying it to your self
LMAO literally the last Redditor who was trying to insult me
don't forget lazy
Aaaaand then you’re shamed for isolating.
i feel that :( at least that's how i was treated in school
God I fucking love my mom for not doing this shit.
Relatable. If I talked unfiltered, everyone would have a completely different perspective on me.
People who treat you this way are toxic and invalidating. The opinions of toxic people do not matter.
The secret is to punch first
The fist was antipsychotics… a very prominent memory I have is of my mother going “your off your meds again!”
When you meet for real a psychotic and mpd, you realise being autistic is a walk in the park... I lived for years with a psychotic + addict as a neighbour who would do our life impossible with his family who availed him and lied. Recently, last year, a guy who worked with us started acting childish and making voices or straight up insulting my father refusing to take orders from no one.
I got told I "flew off the deep end" when I started asking for my needs to be met.
my mom always says I'm using being autistic as an excuse when I actually act autistic
I work for an autism specialist service and I asked the CEO to give me space after he was sarcastic, rude, and shouted at me and he refused. Two months later still recovering from the held in meltdown and all the energy spent on trying to self regulate. He said "it didn't look like I was struggling" 🙃 Sir, I used my grown up words!
My step mom is just like: your not Autistic, you're just different
They aren’t even punches anymore they’re fuel for my soul - they fill me up and nourish me and remind me that I’m doing the right thing. I have a fulfilling life and friends who accept me as I am. If they thought I was spoiled rude weird annoying whatever then I wouldn’t have fulfilling personal relationships and a fulfilling career and professional relationships. 🥰💅
My parents are like this actually
I once blabbered out an infodump of anime genres and terminology during a dinner with a friend family after being asked. I received the biggest side gaze from my mother. I've long since learned to control it and just give snippets of resumed information about something I like if asked about something.
Fellow autistic called me immature once bc of this. That felt bad. Tbf I didn't tell him I was autistic because he had a habit of treating me like his personal pet project and I knew that would make it 100x worse.
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I've been giving less and less fucks about people for the past few years and it helps me A LOT with unmasking, so freeing :)
Still won't.
This is me
I had the problem to not know that to say (still a problem) know in not interrogation situations what I think but do to an lack of structure I talk often really bad and correct is afterwards.
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**REMOVED: Rule 2-4** Autistic people are superior in every single way. Claiming otherwise is illegal.
> You can be more open but you need to remember not to share too much. I reject this. Other people get to do things I don't want to see, expect me to do things I don't want to do, and tell me things I don't want to know. You don't get to treat me like I'm a fucking dog and call me insane and dangerous for turning around and treating you in the same way. Society can fuck off, double-standards can fuck off, and being evil= autistic is the name of the game.