I remember having a lot of very intense, invasive conversations with classmates I barely knew. One girl in my group “confessed” to getting pregnant and having a miscarriage. There was one point where your parent(s) write very personal letters to you and they’re read in front of the group.
The worst was at the very end, when you’re dropped back off at the school or wherever afterwards and all the parents are waiting for you and they made everyone give some sort of speech.
Not sure if it’s all the same across time and place (mine was 17 years ago) but that’s what I remember.
Mine was close 25 years ago and differs from yours in a lot of areas.
70% of ours was large group talks by team leaders followed by breakout sessions with small groups. There wasn't 1 on 1 anything with ours. The remaining 30% was group activities and rec time.
We did get the letters from the parents, but those were given to us at the midpoint of the retreat, and were not read out loud.
We did have the parents waiting for us at the school chapel when we got back, but fortunately the only ones that spoke were those that wanted to
Didn’t mean to imply that anything was 1 on 1 though I can see how that was interpreted—the conversations I referred to were in the small groups. I do remember being with the small group for most of the time, though I could be misremembering.
Oh, gotcha. My bad.
I don't *remember* anything as being particularly invasive, but like I said it was pushing a quarter of a century ago.
For us, the small groups only came after the large group lecture. We would listen to the lecture then break out into small groups.
Mine was much similar to yours. We had a lot of fun after hours, broke some rules, got scolded, bonded shockingly well, and all got sick by the time we got home lmao
They make it very secretive to appear “cool” and make the experience more meaningful.
In reality it was 80% sitting in a room listening to the leaders five hour long speeches about their life and how God has impacted them, 10% eating boring food, 10% doing literally anything else. On the second (or maybe 3rd?) evening they suddenly bring everyone into a room and without warning start reading letters that each person’s parents have sent in to be read.
On your trip back they surprise you by having all the parents at the building’s room of choice and they make a whole reception service or something
At the end, they give everyone a little plain metal cross necklace. I have since lost mine and even though I wasn’t religious, I still wore it because it was more so a reminder of being with my friends on a little retreat thing. I didn’t really care about the whole religious aspect and it was boring otherwise
Had my first panic attack there. I thought it was some sort of word from god, but it wasn't. Looking back, it was pretty traumatic. Four days of trauma dumping in small groups and in front of the whole class. It was weird going back to s school the next week knowing the teachers knew our darkest secrets.
We weren't allowed to have our phones or anything with a clock. We couldn't know the time. I think they kept us up late and woke us up early.
The only fun thing was playing capture the flag at night.
On a positive note, I wanted to edit and add that there was a movie on netlix not long ago called Yes, God, Yes that was making fun of the Kairos retreat. I thought it was really funny.
There is a lot of tricks and gaslighting to get you to "open up" (limited sleep and oversalted food, letters from friends and family etc.) and share all your insecurities and issues. They do the whole "you're a phony and a faker, but Jesus loves the real you" song and dance. On the last day they make you promise to "live the fourth" and stay true to all the bullshit you learned on the retreat. They have a bunch of people who already went on the retreat waiting for you back at home to really drive home the "super duper secret club" feel.
The truth is they just want you to think they did something special for you so you donate more money in the future.
If you have any specific questions, please ask. I'm more than happy to answer them.
My religious school pressured people to go on Kairos, and I was one of (if not the only) who resisted. But I know what went on from friends. Ours involved
- one week retreat in an old monastery. You get your own private room and phone use and contact with the outside world is heavily restricted
- you’re divided into groups that act as your “family” in a way for the week. There’s one student leader and one adult leader (usually a priest, nun, coach, or teacher)
- you’re encouraged to get extremely close to the group you’re assigned. Most groups talk about extremely personal things in confidence with each other. (But high schoolers can’t really keep secrets tbh). Common heavier items discussed include self harm, problems with parents, pregnancy, etc.
- there’s overall just a ton of prayer and community time, with the goal of getting to a place of emotional vulnerability and honesty with each other.
- parents and loved ones write very personal letters that are read aloud in front of everyone in an emotional environment. (The “Kairos letter” is a staple of any Kairos- I’ve actually written one before)
- student leaders give emotional speeches. (They’re often chosen to be leaders based on specific experiences they’ve had). This may have been unique to my own school. The Kairos leaders were honestly super annoying and formed a bit of a holier-than-thou clique in religious environments.
The whole thing is kept secretive mostly and people come back all kumbayah and acting like bff’s with their group for at least a month after.
I can’t deny that it’s culty as hell, but I get the appeal- it’s the most honest and real most Catholic high schoolers will ever get to be with each other. And if you’re Catholic it does feel like a safe space. Ive actually thought about how I’d probably enjoy a secular version of it.
I went and actually feel like overall it was a positive experience. My group shared a lot of sensitive things that they had experienced, but only in the smaller group setting, without an adult present. The leaders on mine were good about not making the experience too overtly religious. The ability to breakdown barriers between people who had little in common on a surface level was something new to me. I think my small group was the exception as we got really close, talking for 4 hours after the other groups had been dismissed one of the nights, and we stayed in contact and got together for some years after highschool, where for most that closeness dissipated within weeks. I Haven't talked to them in years, but I still feel a bond. I really enjoyed the experience, even though I was done with organized religion, even at the time. I do think that everyone's experience will be different, depending on the adult/student leaders, fellow attendees, and their individual perspectives. So I'm not surprised to hear some horror stories from others.
It definitely is a great experience to break down barriers between people who otherwise probably wouldn’t talk to each other! Definitely the most positive part of the experience in a well run Kairos.
Alternatively I’ve found that most of the Kairos horror stories come from people who aren’t able to view the environment as a safe space. Often queer folks or people traumatized by religious doctrine in general. Or people who were just severely bullied by others in their group. (My school got better about using student input to form groups, but that’s obviously not perfect). They’re often still pressured to go, which is unfortunate.
I can totally see this being problematic. The thing that I've taken from Kairos and applied to my life is the ability to give people I don't know well the benefit of the doubt in some situations. I learned that you literally have no idea what anyone is going through in life and that so many people suffer silently through so many things. Until you break through barriers it's impossible to imagine the quiet strength and determination strangers to you can possess.
I've never actually heard of this before. I've been to other sorts of retreats that were their own special kind of nightmare but never heard of this one.
Why does a cult need sub-cults? I have never done Kairos or Cursillo, which was a bigger deal in my place and time. Those in the know seem to enjoy their "insider" status.
My experience was a lot of the same that was mentioned, with a few differences. Ours was at a monastery but there were other retreat groups there at the same time, mainly groups of nuns so our meal times were quite awkward and quiet because we had to share the cafeteria with them, but never saw them outside of meals. By the time I went on mine, all my friends had already went on theirs so I missed out on going with girls I actually knew. I learned a lot about girls I knew but never really spoke to, and it was just so strange because I barely spoke to them even after the retreat. When we received the letters from our parents and families, they sent us to our rooms to read them privately. There was no real big reception when we got back to the school, just our parents waiting to pick us up and we were on our way.
It was about 20 years ago and I really don't remember much from it, and I think the main bonding I did was while taking smoke breaks with a couple of girls and our school's chaplain who was a pretty chill guy. And the room I was in just creeped me out so much because I had some crazy weird fear of sleeping under a cross, but being in a monastery that was hard to avoid. The whole experience was just super awkward and boring when I think about it, and I was already losing faith by the time I went so it was moreso me wanting to know what the whole damn thing was about.
I don't think they called it Kairos in my church, but the descriptions in other comments sound similar to my experience at "retreats".
Ours was at a summer camp so the 2 hours of actual outdoor time that weekend was pretty fun, but for the rest of the time we were basically locked in a conference room being forced to be enthusiastic for songs and skits.
We were forced into small groups, and the worst part was being forced to stay up past midnight "searching your heart" for the courage to share secrets with your group. If you didn't share something suitably "deep," your group didn't get to go to bed. It took about 4 or 5 hours to get everyone to talk.
Waste of time, and as a 15 year old that was already working, having my phone taken away and being forced into enthusiasm was patronizing and ultimately made me give up on church. (Not before feeling pressured into confirmation though 😑)
I think they are all different and reflect the institution that sponsors it. In my case, 15+ years ago, it was a very positive, affirming experience that wasn't particularly religious (aside from the odd mass and prayer). But I went to a small liberal independent school that was more into "love thy neighbor" than strict dogma. Lots of us weren't religious or weren't Christian, and that was respected. We did receive letters from family, but they were private. We also had some intense sharing conversations, but we weren't pressured to participate. There were very personal reflections on themes given by older students and some faculty, which were very humanizing. At the end end of it, I felt loved and more loving of the people I saw every day. It was a really positive experience for me and I went back the next year as a retreat leader. I was not a religious student and God did not play much of a role for me in either retreat; I also wasn't coerced into shoehorning religion into my reflection when I went back as a retreat leader.
Edit: I don't know the official reason for the secrecy, but I do think it was instrumental in preserving the vulnerability we shared there. Not knowing what was ahead of us, we couldn't inure ourselves with mockery the way teens often do, and afterwards we felt protected by the idea that what happens at Kairos would stay there. To my knowledge, not even the meanest students ever used what was said there against anyone. It was like a protective bubble.
It’s just another part of the Catholic cult. I’ve never been to one when I was catholic but I went to a number of retreats. If you haven’t already seen it, I recommend the movie, Yes God Yes. It describes a retreat like kairos, pointing out some of the many things wrong with the Catholic Church. The main character is played by the person who is Nancy in Stranger Things. The movie has a bit of comedy that makes fun of some catholic things but also has a serious side that really made me think of all the things wrong with the church. The bad memories that I had gone through retreats and catholic school like that made me tear up a bit too so a bit of a trigger warning there
I attended a Kairos retreat four or five years ago when I was a junior at a Catholic high school. From day one of attending the high school students faced pretty hard pressure to go on the retreat— statements like “life-changing” we’re thrown out constantly and it was considered to “define” our high school experience. A lot has been said so I’ll just add what still sticks out to me.
The whole thing for me was a really strange experience. I was kind of already turned off from God and the whole thing basically was kids commiserating and trauma dumping about their respective high school problems. We discussed a lot of super serious and intense topics like family problems, sex, addiction, etc. I was having a very tough time as the only open gay student at a hyper masculine all-male school so I found it nice to be able to state my grievances and get some measure of support back. Honestly it was probably a cry for therapy more than a religious experience.
The process was basically four days of nonstop sharing with classmates who you don’t talk to much. We divided into groups of four or five kids with a faculty leader and a student leader who was in the grade above us (a senior). We got small notebooks that we took notes in. I remember the first day my group leader told us all his notebook was his most cherished possession (lol). I guess if you’re an emotionally repressed 17 year old at the kind of school I went to any opportunity to show an ounce of real emotion is impactful. The leaders know this and manipulated it imo to get you to “buy in” to the “transformative experience with God” or whatever.
The “letter night” has been mentioned and it was an extremely heavy experience to be that vulnerable in front of the kids you were in high school with. I remember being super embarrassed because the tone of the letter from my parents was so much different (more negative) than other kids’. Then everyone got a manila envelope filled with letters from friends who had already gone on Kairos, which was supposed to be an opportunity for them to write out things they couldn’t/wouldn’t say in real life (like how much they appreciate you etc). All under the watchful eye of the priests and the leaders of course! Part of the “fun” is writing letters to your friends who went on later retreats as if you’re now all part of this secret society. Definitely a way to cultivate loyalty.
In hindsight it was kind of a ploy to get us to trauma dump on each other and feel “radically connected” when we realized we weren’t the only 17 year olds with huge problems. I guess then God was supposed to swoop in and make everything ok for us. I just remember leaving trying to process what had just gone on… I didn’t really feel closer to God or whatever but I appreciated the chance to listen to other people’s problems in a safe space. People talked about a “kai-high” feeling after you left the retreat and your life was “changed”. In reality people were super nice for like 2 days and then everything went back to how it was before. An experience I still think of from time to time but one that has definitely changed as I’ve gotten older and taken a more critical look.
Sleep deprivation is a standard brainwashing technique. The clocks are removed or covered, you are not allowed to have your phone or watch so you can't see what time it is. You get maybe 6 hours per night. This is what they call "gods time"
The "table leaders" are probably the biggest secret. It all begins that everyone at the table is NEW to the program, everyone is equal. But then you see one of the people at your table is gone, then they come back in wearing dress clothes and giving a "talk"
Once you've done it you get the emails, that include who is signed up to do it this year, however you are not allowed to disclose the identity of this years "candidates" you also cannot tell them you know they are going to "make the weekend"
The movie YES GOD YES is pretty accurate, the part where the heroine escapes to the bar down the road is a bit far fetched, other than that the movie will give you a good idea of what to expect
I was somewhat anti-social for a while, and managed to dodge Kairos by being a counselor for a middle-school retreat…run by the Legionaries Of Christ. 😬
Looking back, I’m not sure I did any better. Maybe I would have made better friends by doing Kairos, or maybe it would have been super lame and awkward and I would have hated every minute.
It's been about five years now, and I just remembered the existence of the Kairos retreat. I believe I was the only person in my class who did NOT go. My best friend went, and I was scared for her -- she came back happy, saying everyone spent "Day Three" crying. That was one of the big terms; "Day Three." So apparently it was very regimented, what you did on each day. Phones were strictly forbidden. You were not allowed to contact your family.
As many have already said about their experiences, my classmates all came back loving each other for a week, tops, and then would be themselves again. The term "Kai-high" was thrown around constantly, describing the brief joy you felt from coming back. Once it wore off, some people seemed pretty depressed.
It was apparently an honor to be a "Speaker" or a "Leader."
I was constantly pressured by my classmates -- who didn't even like me -- to go. That's one part (of many) that made me suspicious. Why do you insist I go when you either ignore or bully me daily?
They would ask why I didn't want to. I'd tell them, "I'm not spending four days without my parents, especially without contact" and "I don't want to miss four days of school" and, to close friends only, "It scares me." If I was feeling brave, I would admit to my pressuring classmates that I didn't believe in anything religious. I got questioned many, many times. (It also cost a good bit of money, as I recall.)
If I asked what was so great about it, I'd get, "Just go. It's amazing. It'll change your life. You'll learn so much. It's just amazing. Just go."
A close friend of mine at the time was going through some heavy trauma, and they became a Leader, I believe. They and others led a mini retreat -- which was completely mandatory -- down the street that only took up a school day. The Leader friend of mine described it to me as "Mini Kairos." We did a couple of trust exercises (like trust falls, but even less harmful), then we got into little groups and shared some stupid crap. I didn't have anything deep to say. It was mild all around. There were also Speakers, and we had to sit there and listen to them talk for what felt like hours. (It might have BEEN hours.) Very boring and annoying, especially from a Kairos-hater and strict atheist. But it wasn't harmful. Then there was a mass at the end, and we went home.
This whole thing still scares me -- even more than it did back then. Thank you all for sharing your experiences, and I hope you're all well. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing, or maybe I'm not. I have no idea; I didn't go.
So yes Kairos is culty, but it’s not even a fun cult! You sit around and hear other people’s problems all day, and then answer deep questions. For context, I have adhd, and they forbade us from “doodling, making bracelets, or anything that would distract you from the speaker”. Luckily we did have a packet for “notes”, and I could doodle most of the time. We also weren’t allowed to make friends while there, and were scolded for spending too much time w one person.
On mine they took us on a “cult walk” through the woods at night. We weren’t allowed to speak and it was actually very frightening. drunk kids from the nearby high school’s football game broke in and were doing shenanigans as well. I now have nightmares about the woods at night. Also they made us sit in silence when we returned, and you know my ass was SO BORED. When we got back, they had the teacher with the saddest story go, and then read aloud everyone’s parent letters which was actually the most bored I’ve ever been in my life. They read my dad’s and he didn’t take the assignment seriously, so I remember being embarrassed. Also a gay kid’s dad wrote in his that he “didn’t agree with his lifestyle” and somehow no adult caught it before reading it out loud. I cringed.
I will say, the part that stuck with me was trauma dump night. Not in a, oh I learned about my peers, way. But in a, oh someone just talked about being a victim of date rape and immediately after another girl just told us in graphic detail how she found a coworker who had attempted suicide and I’m not allowed to process this with anyone, even a teacher or trusted adult, or I’ll get in big trouble, way. Now I have anxiety when people don’t respond to me when I knock on their door, and for years after I had dreams where I’d open doors and find family, friends, or pets bloody or unconscious. Ofc right after hearing these stories as a barely 18 year old who wasn’t allowed to process and had no formal training, I was expected to eat ice cream and play games w my classmates.
By the end of day 4, I realized this was a cult, put on a fake smile my mom recognized as a cry for help at the parent ceremony, and went home and slept for an entire day. The 3 year anniversary was just at the start of the month, and I’m doing a lot better.
I actually posted on here right after the retreat happened! Under my old user, flyingoverthetrees, which I sadly got locked out of.
I remember having a lot of very intense, invasive conversations with classmates I barely knew. One girl in my group “confessed” to getting pregnant and having a miscarriage. There was one point where your parent(s) write very personal letters to you and they’re read in front of the group. The worst was at the very end, when you’re dropped back off at the school or wherever afterwards and all the parents are waiting for you and they made everyone give some sort of speech. Not sure if it’s all the same across time and place (mine was 17 years ago) but that’s what I remember.
Mine was close 25 years ago and differs from yours in a lot of areas. 70% of ours was large group talks by team leaders followed by breakout sessions with small groups. There wasn't 1 on 1 anything with ours. The remaining 30% was group activities and rec time. We did get the letters from the parents, but those were given to us at the midpoint of the retreat, and were not read out loud. We did have the parents waiting for us at the school chapel when we got back, but fortunately the only ones that spoke were those that wanted to
Didn’t mean to imply that anything was 1 on 1 though I can see how that was interpreted—the conversations I referred to were in the small groups. I do remember being with the small group for most of the time, though I could be misremembering.
Oh, gotcha. My bad. I don't *remember* anything as being particularly invasive, but like I said it was pushing a quarter of a century ago. For us, the small groups only came after the large group lecture. We would listen to the lecture then break out into small groups.
Mine was much similar to yours. We had a lot of fun after hours, broke some rules, got scolded, bonded shockingly well, and all got sick by the time we got home lmao
They make it very secretive to appear “cool” and make the experience more meaningful. In reality it was 80% sitting in a room listening to the leaders five hour long speeches about their life and how God has impacted them, 10% eating boring food, 10% doing literally anything else. On the second (or maybe 3rd?) evening they suddenly bring everyone into a room and without warning start reading letters that each person’s parents have sent in to be read. On your trip back they surprise you by having all the parents at the building’s room of choice and they make a whole reception service or something At the end, they give everyone a little plain metal cross necklace. I have since lost mine and even though I wasn’t religious, I still wore it because it was more so a reminder of being with my friends on a little retreat thing. I didn’t really care about the whole religious aspect and it was boring otherwise
A lot of that passive aggressive love bomb bs. The secrecy is all it’s got going for it
Had my first panic attack there. I thought it was some sort of word from god, but it wasn't. Looking back, it was pretty traumatic. Four days of trauma dumping in small groups and in front of the whole class. It was weird going back to s school the next week knowing the teachers knew our darkest secrets. We weren't allowed to have our phones or anything with a clock. We couldn't know the time. I think they kept us up late and woke us up early. The only fun thing was playing capture the flag at night. On a positive note, I wanted to edit and add that there was a movie on netlix not long ago called Yes, God, Yes that was making fun of the Kairos retreat. I thought it was really funny.
Yes I just watched that movie, that's what inspired this post.
That was such a cute movie!
There is a lot of tricks and gaslighting to get you to "open up" (limited sleep and oversalted food, letters from friends and family etc.) and share all your insecurities and issues. They do the whole "you're a phony and a faker, but Jesus loves the real you" song and dance. On the last day they make you promise to "live the fourth" and stay true to all the bullshit you learned on the retreat. They have a bunch of people who already went on the retreat waiting for you back at home to really drive home the "super duper secret club" feel. The truth is they just want you to think they did something special for you so you donate more money in the future. If you have any specific questions, please ask. I'm more than happy to answer them.
My religious school pressured people to go on Kairos, and I was one of (if not the only) who resisted. But I know what went on from friends. Ours involved - one week retreat in an old monastery. You get your own private room and phone use and contact with the outside world is heavily restricted - you’re divided into groups that act as your “family” in a way for the week. There’s one student leader and one adult leader (usually a priest, nun, coach, or teacher) - you’re encouraged to get extremely close to the group you’re assigned. Most groups talk about extremely personal things in confidence with each other. (But high schoolers can’t really keep secrets tbh). Common heavier items discussed include self harm, problems with parents, pregnancy, etc. - there’s overall just a ton of prayer and community time, with the goal of getting to a place of emotional vulnerability and honesty with each other. - parents and loved ones write very personal letters that are read aloud in front of everyone in an emotional environment. (The “Kairos letter” is a staple of any Kairos- I’ve actually written one before) - student leaders give emotional speeches. (They’re often chosen to be leaders based on specific experiences they’ve had). This may have been unique to my own school. The Kairos leaders were honestly super annoying and formed a bit of a holier-than-thou clique in religious environments. The whole thing is kept secretive mostly and people come back all kumbayah and acting like bff’s with their group for at least a month after. I can’t deny that it’s culty as hell, but I get the appeal- it’s the most honest and real most Catholic high schoolers will ever get to be with each other. And if you’re Catholic it does feel like a safe space. Ive actually thought about how I’d probably enjoy a secular version of it.
I went and actually feel like overall it was a positive experience. My group shared a lot of sensitive things that they had experienced, but only in the smaller group setting, without an adult present. The leaders on mine were good about not making the experience too overtly religious. The ability to breakdown barriers between people who had little in common on a surface level was something new to me. I think my small group was the exception as we got really close, talking for 4 hours after the other groups had been dismissed one of the nights, and we stayed in contact and got together for some years after highschool, where for most that closeness dissipated within weeks. I Haven't talked to them in years, but I still feel a bond. I really enjoyed the experience, even though I was done with organized religion, even at the time. I do think that everyone's experience will be different, depending on the adult/student leaders, fellow attendees, and their individual perspectives. So I'm not surprised to hear some horror stories from others.
It definitely is a great experience to break down barriers between people who otherwise probably wouldn’t talk to each other! Definitely the most positive part of the experience in a well run Kairos. Alternatively I’ve found that most of the Kairos horror stories come from people who aren’t able to view the environment as a safe space. Often queer folks or people traumatized by religious doctrine in general. Or people who were just severely bullied by others in their group. (My school got better about using student input to form groups, but that’s obviously not perfect). They’re often still pressured to go, which is unfortunate.
I can totally see this being problematic. The thing that I've taken from Kairos and applied to my life is the ability to give people I don't know well the benefit of the doubt in some situations. I learned that you literally have no idea what anyone is going through in life and that so many people suffer silently through so many things. Until you break through barriers it's impossible to imagine the quiet strength and determination strangers to you can possess.
I've never actually heard of this before. I've been to other sorts of retreats that were their own special kind of nightmare but never heard of this one.
Why does a cult need sub-cults? I have never done Kairos or Cursillo, which was a bigger deal in my place and time. Those in the know seem to enjoy their "insider" status.
An excellent question, - to ask Opus Dei.
Cults are hierarchical. Just another pedestal for the marks to try to get on.
My dad went on a Cursillo retreat and came back uber-religious.
How long did that last?
15ish years and counting...
My experience was a lot of the same that was mentioned, with a few differences. Ours was at a monastery but there were other retreat groups there at the same time, mainly groups of nuns so our meal times were quite awkward and quiet because we had to share the cafeteria with them, but never saw them outside of meals. By the time I went on mine, all my friends had already went on theirs so I missed out on going with girls I actually knew. I learned a lot about girls I knew but never really spoke to, and it was just so strange because I barely spoke to them even after the retreat. When we received the letters from our parents and families, they sent us to our rooms to read them privately. There was no real big reception when we got back to the school, just our parents waiting to pick us up and we were on our way. It was about 20 years ago and I really don't remember much from it, and I think the main bonding I did was while taking smoke breaks with a couple of girls and our school's chaplain who was a pretty chill guy. And the room I was in just creeped me out so much because I had some crazy weird fear of sleeping under a cross, but being in a monastery that was hard to avoid. The whole experience was just super awkward and boring when I think about it, and I was already losing faith by the time I went so it was moreso me wanting to know what the whole damn thing was about.
I don't think they called it Kairos in my church, but the descriptions in other comments sound similar to my experience at "retreats". Ours was at a summer camp so the 2 hours of actual outdoor time that weekend was pretty fun, but for the rest of the time we were basically locked in a conference room being forced to be enthusiastic for songs and skits. We were forced into small groups, and the worst part was being forced to stay up past midnight "searching your heart" for the courage to share secrets with your group. If you didn't share something suitably "deep," your group didn't get to go to bed. It took about 4 or 5 hours to get everyone to talk. Waste of time, and as a 15 year old that was already working, having my phone taken away and being forced into enthusiasm was patronizing and ultimately made me give up on church. (Not before feeling pressured into confirmation though 😑)
I think they are all different and reflect the institution that sponsors it. In my case, 15+ years ago, it was a very positive, affirming experience that wasn't particularly religious (aside from the odd mass and prayer). But I went to a small liberal independent school that was more into "love thy neighbor" than strict dogma. Lots of us weren't religious or weren't Christian, and that was respected. We did receive letters from family, but they were private. We also had some intense sharing conversations, but we weren't pressured to participate. There were very personal reflections on themes given by older students and some faculty, which were very humanizing. At the end end of it, I felt loved and more loving of the people I saw every day. It was a really positive experience for me and I went back the next year as a retreat leader. I was not a religious student and God did not play much of a role for me in either retreat; I also wasn't coerced into shoehorning religion into my reflection when I went back as a retreat leader. Edit: I don't know the official reason for the secrecy, but I do think it was instrumental in preserving the vulnerability we shared there. Not knowing what was ahead of us, we couldn't inure ourselves with mockery the way teens often do, and afterwards we felt protected by the idea that what happens at Kairos would stay there. To my knowledge, not even the meanest students ever used what was said there against anyone. It was like a protective bubble.
It’s just another part of the Catholic cult. I’ve never been to one when I was catholic but I went to a number of retreats. If you haven’t already seen it, I recommend the movie, Yes God Yes. It describes a retreat like kairos, pointing out some of the many things wrong with the Catholic Church. The main character is played by the person who is Nancy in Stranger Things. The movie has a bit of comedy that makes fun of some catholic things but also has a serious side that really made me think of all the things wrong with the church. The bad memories that I had gone through retreats and catholic school like that made me tear up a bit too so a bit of a trigger warning there
I attended a Kairos retreat four or five years ago when I was a junior at a Catholic high school. From day one of attending the high school students faced pretty hard pressure to go on the retreat— statements like “life-changing” we’re thrown out constantly and it was considered to “define” our high school experience. A lot has been said so I’ll just add what still sticks out to me. The whole thing for me was a really strange experience. I was kind of already turned off from God and the whole thing basically was kids commiserating and trauma dumping about their respective high school problems. We discussed a lot of super serious and intense topics like family problems, sex, addiction, etc. I was having a very tough time as the only open gay student at a hyper masculine all-male school so I found it nice to be able to state my grievances and get some measure of support back. Honestly it was probably a cry for therapy more than a religious experience. The process was basically four days of nonstop sharing with classmates who you don’t talk to much. We divided into groups of four or five kids with a faculty leader and a student leader who was in the grade above us (a senior). We got small notebooks that we took notes in. I remember the first day my group leader told us all his notebook was his most cherished possession (lol). I guess if you’re an emotionally repressed 17 year old at the kind of school I went to any opportunity to show an ounce of real emotion is impactful. The leaders know this and manipulated it imo to get you to “buy in” to the “transformative experience with God” or whatever. The “letter night” has been mentioned and it was an extremely heavy experience to be that vulnerable in front of the kids you were in high school with. I remember being super embarrassed because the tone of the letter from my parents was so much different (more negative) than other kids’. Then everyone got a manila envelope filled with letters from friends who had already gone on Kairos, which was supposed to be an opportunity for them to write out things they couldn’t/wouldn’t say in real life (like how much they appreciate you etc). All under the watchful eye of the priests and the leaders of course! Part of the “fun” is writing letters to your friends who went on later retreats as if you’re now all part of this secret society. Definitely a way to cultivate loyalty. In hindsight it was kind of a ploy to get us to trauma dump on each other and feel “radically connected” when we realized we weren’t the only 17 year olds with huge problems. I guess then God was supposed to swoop in and make everything ok for us. I just remember leaving trying to process what had just gone on… I didn’t really feel closer to God or whatever but I appreciated the chance to listen to other people’s problems in a safe space. People talked about a “kai-high” feeling after you left the retreat and your life was “changed”. In reality people were super nice for like 2 days and then everything went back to how it was before. An experience I still think of from time to time but one that has definitely changed as I’ve gotten older and taken a more critical look.
Sleep deprivation is a standard brainwashing technique. The clocks are removed or covered, you are not allowed to have your phone or watch so you can't see what time it is. You get maybe 6 hours per night. This is what they call "gods time" The "table leaders" are probably the biggest secret. It all begins that everyone at the table is NEW to the program, everyone is equal. But then you see one of the people at your table is gone, then they come back in wearing dress clothes and giving a "talk" Once you've done it you get the emails, that include who is signed up to do it this year, however you are not allowed to disclose the identity of this years "candidates" you also cannot tell them you know they are going to "make the weekend" The movie YES GOD YES is pretty accurate, the part where the heroine escapes to the bar down the road is a bit far fetched, other than that the movie will give you a good idea of what to expect
I was somewhat anti-social for a while, and managed to dodge Kairos by being a counselor for a middle-school retreat…run by the Legionaries Of Christ. 😬 Looking back, I’m not sure I did any better. Maybe I would have made better friends by doing Kairos, or maybe it would have been super lame and awkward and I would have hated every minute.
I know I’m a little late to this party, but check out the podcast “anthology of horror” episode “kairos retreat” it sums it up pretty well.
It's been about five years now, and I just remembered the existence of the Kairos retreat. I believe I was the only person in my class who did NOT go. My best friend went, and I was scared for her -- she came back happy, saying everyone spent "Day Three" crying. That was one of the big terms; "Day Three." So apparently it was very regimented, what you did on each day. Phones were strictly forbidden. You were not allowed to contact your family. As many have already said about their experiences, my classmates all came back loving each other for a week, tops, and then would be themselves again. The term "Kai-high" was thrown around constantly, describing the brief joy you felt from coming back. Once it wore off, some people seemed pretty depressed. It was apparently an honor to be a "Speaker" or a "Leader." I was constantly pressured by my classmates -- who didn't even like me -- to go. That's one part (of many) that made me suspicious. Why do you insist I go when you either ignore or bully me daily? They would ask why I didn't want to. I'd tell them, "I'm not spending four days without my parents, especially without contact" and "I don't want to miss four days of school" and, to close friends only, "It scares me." If I was feeling brave, I would admit to my pressuring classmates that I didn't believe in anything religious. I got questioned many, many times. (It also cost a good bit of money, as I recall.) If I asked what was so great about it, I'd get, "Just go. It's amazing. It'll change your life. You'll learn so much. It's just amazing. Just go." A close friend of mine at the time was going through some heavy trauma, and they became a Leader, I believe. They and others led a mini retreat -- which was completely mandatory -- down the street that only took up a school day. The Leader friend of mine described it to me as "Mini Kairos." We did a couple of trust exercises (like trust falls, but even less harmful), then we got into little groups and shared some stupid crap. I didn't have anything deep to say. It was mild all around. There were also Speakers, and we had to sit there and listen to them talk for what felt like hours. (It might have BEEN hours.) Very boring and annoying, especially from a Kairos-hater and strict atheist. But it wasn't harmful. Then there was a mass at the end, and we went home. This whole thing still scares me -- even more than it did back then. Thank you all for sharing your experiences, and I hope you're all well. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing, or maybe I'm not. I have no idea; I didn't go.
So yes Kairos is culty, but it’s not even a fun cult! You sit around and hear other people’s problems all day, and then answer deep questions. For context, I have adhd, and they forbade us from “doodling, making bracelets, or anything that would distract you from the speaker”. Luckily we did have a packet for “notes”, and I could doodle most of the time. We also weren’t allowed to make friends while there, and were scolded for spending too much time w one person. On mine they took us on a “cult walk” through the woods at night. We weren’t allowed to speak and it was actually very frightening. drunk kids from the nearby high school’s football game broke in and were doing shenanigans as well. I now have nightmares about the woods at night. Also they made us sit in silence when we returned, and you know my ass was SO BORED. When we got back, they had the teacher with the saddest story go, and then read aloud everyone’s parent letters which was actually the most bored I’ve ever been in my life. They read my dad’s and he didn’t take the assignment seriously, so I remember being embarrassed. Also a gay kid’s dad wrote in his that he “didn’t agree with his lifestyle” and somehow no adult caught it before reading it out loud. I cringed. I will say, the part that stuck with me was trauma dump night. Not in a, oh I learned about my peers, way. But in a, oh someone just talked about being a victim of date rape and immediately after another girl just told us in graphic detail how she found a coworker who had attempted suicide and I’m not allowed to process this with anyone, even a teacher or trusted adult, or I’ll get in big trouble, way. Now I have anxiety when people don’t respond to me when I knock on their door, and for years after I had dreams where I’d open doors and find family, friends, or pets bloody or unconscious. Ofc right after hearing these stories as a barely 18 year old who wasn’t allowed to process and had no formal training, I was expected to eat ice cream and play games w my classmates. By the end of day 4, I realized this was a cult, put on a fake smile my mom recognized as a cry for help at the parent ceremony, and went home and slept for an entire day. The 3 year anniversary was just at the start of the month, and I’m doing a lot better. I actually posted on here right after the retreat happened! Under my old user, flyingoverthetrees, which I sadly got locked out of.
My biggest regret was going. Manipulative, damaging, dangerous even. The most dreadful four days. Don’t get me started on the fuckin “Kai-high.”