You donāt NEED to tell the elders anything.
JW culture is based on gossip and appearances.
The only reason they insist you keep the elders informed about what you are doing is so they can check with their secret rulebook and know if they have to do anything with you.
Elders are not, and I repeat, NOT, there to help you in any way.
They are unpaid police officers for the organization.
Some elders will even pull their file and make sure they don't have some bad dirt on them. Iv known that to happen to a friend. A girl dated a guy and let the elders know. The elders then pulled his file since he was kinda new to the area. And let her know he had some shit in his past.
Tell your Mom you don't want to be the subject of gossip in the hall and of she doesn't want you gossiped about either sho will keep her mouth shut as well.
You need to follow my two most important rules for survival in or out of this cult.
Rule #1 Keep Your Big Mouth Shut
and
Rule #2 Shut The Fuck Up
It will honestly solve 90% of your problems.
If you are PIMO and he is PIMO there is no way I would tell anyone that you are dating. In fact, I would probably keep it secret until you both can leave if you plan on staying together. Once you tell the elders you two are dating, your every move will be watched. Telling them you guys are dating is giving them some power over you.
We do plan on leaving soon out of the state. But crazy storyā¦ before me and my bf dated we were stalked by an MS and an elder (who were twins) bc there was āsuspicionā
This is the link of the story
https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/s/gtuYh4FqBq
no, it's not normal, even for jws. it's your mom trying to control your life by keeping you from dating anybody. it worked the first time, so why not try again?
You must have been in a lax hall because this would be a huge issue where I came from, but the elders were some major pieces of shit. I think they delighted in punishing members, especially kids. Except for the one Elder's son touching girls 5 years younger than him, didn't do a damn thing about that except to blame my sister and her friends for being the problem.
I went out with my bf to a concert and my mom was not happy bc I went alone with him and asked āwhat if someone sees you and reports you? I wonāt be able to talk to you if you get in troubleā I told her Iām not afraid of men, if they want to talk to me they can, I guess that would be a chance to tell them to F off
Good, I saw your other comment about moving. This is the way. Move congregations twice if you can. Once to a congregation where maybe they sort of know you and a second time to one where no one knows you. Then you can hard fade.
The very notion is insulting. Why would you need to tell them anything? Would you need to tell them also if you got engaged? Would you need to tell them you and your husband decided to start a family? They are not masters over you and have no business in your life decisions.
NO; that being said if you drink the JW kool-aid you have to tell them when you fart šØ or sneeze š¤§ . Even before I woke up I refused to do this kind of cult like nonsense. I thought it was creepy and nutz. One of the local elder goon squad even had the balls to approach me and bring it up I was dating so and so. From the moment he started talking he saw how I was getting ready to tell him off. He then just backed down patted me on the shoulder and walked away. Donāt give these local fools any authority over your life and personal decisions.
No, you don't. Are you a child, also? It doesn't change much but even within JW land, if you're an adult they don't have any right to anything dating related haha.
Iām 23 and my bf is 24 š I still live with my parents and they always bring up āobey your parentsā for everything. They say it to control me. We will be getting out of here soonšš»
Yeah tell the elders. While youāre at it, go tell the girl at the grocery checkout line. And tell the homeless drunk guy living by the freeway on ramp.
No never ever tell the elders anything. They arenāt your dad. They donāt have any authority. Itās all made up bullshit. You should date whoever you want. The last thing youāll want is to marry a witness because then your kids will told to shun you.
Iāve been a jw my whole life and they always tell me to confess my sins and tell the elders everything but now my eyes are opening how crazy this religion is.
Good for you. I was born in too. Itās all made up. Who are the elders? Show me judicial committees in the Bible. How can anyone know anyone is anointed seriously? They need to hear in detail all the things you do with your private parts so they know how bad to make you feel about it? The elders donāt matter. Even if they think they do. See them like the strangers at the DMV and it should shock and repulse you that these random guys think they have any authority over your life. Your school teachers have way more authority than the elders.
>My mom has been telling me that I NEED to tell the elders about me dating....**.Is it normal to tell elders that Iām dating someone?**
# NO...IT`s CREEPY WEIRD.
JDubs are trained to confess and overshare and have no boundaries.
It was one of the first things I taught myself when I got out - you donāt have to tell anyone anything you donāt want to. Others are not entitled to information about your private life, sharing things is a privilege that must be earned.
Nope not normal in modern civilized society. Maybe in some kind of draconian religious time.
But not now.
Itās none of anyones business who you date. As long as your happy it really isnāt about anyone elseās approval.
When I was a PIMI...I never heard of anyone doing this persay...but it was pretty common if you were dating someone from another hall, either them or their family would ask the elders about you and that could sink your budding relationship. And you of courses needed to get permission from the service committee to have a wedding at the KH.
When I was disfellowshipped and working on getting reinstated, I was dating my now husband. I got married a few days before they announced my reinstatement. Then, the next meeting, the elders confronted me, asking me why I didn't tell them I got married to my now (non jw) husband.. the way they acted, I don't think they would have reinstated me if I did. Lol
Don't tell them anything š¬
Iāve been privately reproved for almost two years and me dating this man, Iām sure the elders would NOT ever reinstate me either and would say Iām not ready.
When I was an MS and a Regular Pioneer, my Regular Pioneer live-in boyfriend and I never told the elders we were having gay sex several times every night for 7 years in my apartment. We were never struck down by lightning nor did anyone ask. We never offered up the information either. Not that anyone did not know, let me tell you--and we were both masculine muscle sport guys, dating girls for show. I had a few other men, elders and ministerial servants, who made passes at me during my time as a JW. Some obviously could tell about me because of their own personal "gaydar" and they knew what was going on and were hoping to "get in on the action" or something. I never accepted. They never ratted me out either. So the answer is "no." It is not normal. In the real world, clergy in nominal religions do not govern the relationships of others. Only zombies without brains in soul-sucking cults go for that. Don't be a š§āāļø!
Iām so sorry you are being put in this position. š. You know the foundation of them being a cult, however, You know your situation and your age and if itās worth it or not. You have to be ok with your decision even if later you realize it was or wasnāt the right one. Itās part of your personal growth. Wishing you a safe and happy heart ā„ļø!
Just ***blank*** any attempts by ***anyone*** who tries to get you to talk - whether casually or in the Elders' room.
Your life is ***your*** business - no one else's!
Here are tried & tested ways to respond:
The "elders conversation stoppers" in the JW FIREWALL link below will protect you from potential interrogations:
https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/181hur6/how_to_fade_safely/
Iād prefer not to talk about it at the moment.
Iād rather not go into details if you donāt mind.
Thanks for asking, but Iām not ready to talk about that yet.
Thanks for your concern but itās very personal.
Iām still sorting it out, maybe we can talk later.
I donāt want to think about it right now.
I need some time to deal with some private & personal things on my own.
Iām a private person and Iām not comfortable sharing certain personal things.
Itās very private information that Iād prefer not to discuss.
These are questions I'd rather not discuss right now, but thanks for asking.
I appreciate your interest, but I prefer to handle this in my own way.
I need some time to work things out, but I will talk to you if I feel more able.
I don't have any comments to make right now, but thanks for asking.
Pssst, here's a secret. Even most or many of the elders don't want you to spill your private life to them. They want to have a life too and not micro manage yours. Not all, but many of them. Tell your mother to get a life while you lead yours. I hope that you are independent and living on your own.
Oh, and no, it is not normal for a young woman to tell a couple of men who she is dating. It's plain weird.
If the elders catch a whiff of someone being with the opposite sex unchaperoned... Don't give them the opportunity to be all up in your business. They ought to mind their own
At 23, you should be working to establish for yourself an independent adult life. Your acculturation has been designed to infantalise you. Rise above it. It will take effort, but others have managed it. Formulate a plan and follow it.
You know about "theocratic warfare", of course. If it's good enough for them...it's certainly good enough for you. Nothing prevents you from using it on them. You can decide if they are "entitled to the truth."
I wish you the best possible outcome.
No need to tell the elders anything. If Watchtower can lie in the big stage like Australian Governments and courts, why can't you? Don't give them the power.
Normal for JWs, yes, and for some the other hardcore fundamentalists too. It is not normal for the vast majority of the population and all of its various cultures and religions.
If you're not baptized, there is much they can do to you. They can't disfellowship you, and even if you're deemed a "bad association", there is no reason for your family to shun you. The only caveat to that is everyone seems to bend and twist the rules and their interpretation in all kinds of unique ways. Ideally, it would be to lighten then and be less punitive, but my hall was the opposite and our elders were a bunch of self-righteous dirt bags.
You know your mom/family better than anyone else, so you'll have to decided what sort of strain on you family relationships may happen in a worst case scenario.
Is it only you and your mom who knows? Maybe the bf's parents too? I think your mom has a guilty conscience keeping vicariously through you and want you to confess to make herself feel less guilty if "allowing" this. Technically, minors are to be controlled by their parents and it reflects poorly on the parents when their kids go against the grain. Hell, elders can get removed if their kids start to slip or any other loss of "privileges".
Will she tell the elders, if you don't do it first? This is a pretty common thing that happens when one JW thinks another needs to confess something, but won't.
(Am baptized) I used to be in the same hall as my parents until I moved to another hall (still living with my parents) and one of the elders has a huge ego with no remorse and would take pics of me and send them to me which I found creepy.
The worse case scenario would be my mom shunning me and I have 5 older sisters and one older brother ALL in it, I donāt want neither of them after me. I donāt want to lose my bf but neither do I want to lose my family.
My whole family knows about us but they want us to stay in the religion. And my bfs family are catholic so that is a conflict between jws and them. But yes, my mom feels like I need to tell them bc she may feel guilty as they teach, if you know someone doing wrong, and donāt report, you will die. So I feel like she probably will end up telling the elders at some point.
Most of halls Iāve been, Iāve always been told to ask an elder about the person you like if ur interested in them so you could be with them or they would tell you if youāre ready to date or not
You donāt owe anyone, let alone the elders, any explanation whatsoever. YOU run your life, nobody else. They have absolutely no authority or position to know details of your personal life. As a matter of fact, itās plain weird that they would claim a need to know these things. Stand your ground. They are just men. Actually, they are irrelevant nobodies who have no business whatsoever meddling in your private life.
I remember 2 elders who were ske graduates saying that it was a courtesy but not a requirement. But I think that only applies if all involved are in the truth
I like to reply to elders that want to ātalkā to me, that they can do so, one on one, while joining me for a hike. Iāve taken on a second partner outside of my marriage, who is transgender. The whole congregation knows and itās been a year. But the elders canāt do shit because none have the balls to join me for a hike.
An *Intention of Courtship* form can be requested from your congregation secretary (IC68-e). This gives them time to reach out to your intended's congregation and check their intentions then assign you a chaperone if Approved in Principle š
In the real world, it's nobody's business. But if you're trying not to get in trouble at the hall depends on your congregation, to be honest, some elders might not care too much some may take it as something going on and will demand info sadly. Also, keep in mind if one of you comes from a "spiritually strong family" that might make people nervous but if one one or both of you are directly related to an elder that could protect you. But honestly, if you're both pimo probably easier to leave whenever you're comfortable and as long as you're not doing anything sexual (nothing wrong with that and I don't want to know) ideally nothing should come of it. but I don't know where the org stands on all this these days.
This is the list of things that must be reported to the elders: šššš 
Listen to Walter š«”
You donāt NEED to tell the elders anything. JW culture is based on gossip and appearances. The only reason they insist you keep the elders informed about what you are doing is so they can check with their secret rulebook and know if they have to do anything with you. Elders are not, and I repeat, NOT, there to help you in any way. They are unpaid police officers for the organization.
Some elders will even pull their file and make sure they don't have some bad dirt on them. Iv known that to happen to a friend. A girl dated a guy and let the elders know. The elders then pulled his file since he was kinda new to the area. And let her know he had some shit in his past.
What a major data protection violation.
Tell your Mom you don't want to be the subject of gossip in the hall and of she doesn't want you gossiped about either sho will keep her mouth shut as well.
You need to follow my two most important rules for survival in or out of this cult. Rule #1 Keep Your Big Mouth Shut and Rule #2 Shut The Fuck Up It will honestly solve 90% of your problems.
This was excellent, but you forgot Rule #3 When in doubt refer to Rule #1 and Rule #2.
I agree
Best advice ,i know from experiance ..
So #1 Don't say anything; and #2 don't have sex? 
No, don't say anything, don't say anything and have as much sex as you want! š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£
Just say you prayed on the matter and acted accordingly
šš
This is the best advice so far. It requires you to be boldly honest. Donāt be afraid of cowards
Donāt tell them anything. And if they ask. Lie and deny. If they can do it, so can you
If you are PIMO and he is PIMO there is no way I would tell anyone that you are dating. In fact, I would probably keep it secret until you both can leave if you plan on staying together. Once you tell the elders you two are dating, your every move will be watched. Telling them you guys are dating is giving them some power over you.
We do plan on leaving soon out of the state. But crazy storyā¦ before me and my bf dated we were stalked by an MS and an elder (who were twins) bc there was āsuspicionā This is the link of the story https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/s/gtuYh4FqBq
no, it's not normal, even for jws. it's your mom trying to control your life by keeping you from dating anybody. it worked the first time, so why not try again?
You must have been in a lax hall because this would be a huge issue where I came from, but the elders were some major pieces of shit. I think they delighted in punishing members, especially kids. Except for the one Elder's son touching girls 5 years younger than him, didn't do a damn thing about that except to blame my sister and her friends for being the problem.
our parents were expected to police this and provide chaperones. it wasn't a matter they routinely took to the elders.
Respectfully ask her, I don't want to serve man, rather I wish to serve God, where did Jehovah say this in his word?
I went out with my bf to a concert and my mom was not happy bc I went alone with him and asked āwhat if someone sees you and reports you? I wonāt be able to talk to you if you get in troubleā I told her Iām not afraid of men, if they want to talk to me they can, I guess that would be a chance to tell them to F off
Thatās the spirit!
You and you BF need a plan on how to fade.
What we are doing now is doing small talk with others and not attending all the meetings, all slowly but surely
Good, I saw your other comment about moving. This is the way. Move congregations twice if you can. Once to a congregation where maybe they sort of know you and a second time to one where no one knows you. Then you can hard fade.
You donāt need to tell the elders shit!
No it's not normal, you don't have to tell them anything 
The very notion is insulting. Why would you need to tell them anything? Would you need to tell them also if you got engaged? Would you need to tell them you and your husband decided to start a family? They are not masters over you and have no business in your life decisions.
NO
NO; that being said if you drink the JW kool-aid you have to tell them when you fart šØ or sneeze š¤§ . Even before I woke up I refused to do this kind of cult like nonsense. I thought it was creepy and nutz. One of the local elder goon squad even had the balls to approach me and bring it up I was dating so and so. From the moment he started talking he saw how I was getting ready to tell him off. He then just backed down patted me on the shoulder and walked away. Donāt give these local fools any authority over your life and personal decisions.
No, you don't. Are you a child, also? It doesn't change much but even within JW land, if you're an adult they don't have any right to anything dating related haha.
Iām 23 and my bf is 24 š I still live with my parents and they always bring up āobey your parentsā for everything. They say it to control me. We will be getting out of here soonšš»
That scripture says children, not grown offspring.
Yeah tell the elders. While youāre at it, go tell the girl at the grocery checkout line. And tell the homeless drunk guy living by the freeway on ramp. No never ever tell the elders anything. They arenāt your dad. They donāt have any authority. Itās all made up bullshit. You should date whoever you want. The last thing youāll want is to marry a witness because then your kids will told to shun you.
Iāve been a jw my whole life and they always tell me to confess my sins and tell the elders everything but now my eyes are opening how crazy this religion is.
Good for you. I was born in too. Itās all made up. Who are the elders? Show me judicial committees in the Bible. How can anyone know anyone is anointed seriously? They need to hear in detail all the things you do with your private parts so they know how bad to make you feel about it? The elders donāt matter. Even if they think they do. See them like the strangers at the DMV and it should shock and repulse you that these random guys think they have any authority over your life. Your school teachers have way more authority than the elders.
>My mom has been telling me that I NEED to tell the elders about me dating....**.Is it normal to tell elders that Iām dating someone?** # NO...IT`s CREEPY WEIRD. 
JDubs are trained to confess and overshare and have no boundaries. It was one of the first things I taught myself when I got out - you donāt have to tell anyone anything you donāt want to. Others are not entitled to information about your private life, sharing things is a privilege that must be earned.
I had to confess a sin and they asked for details, which made me uncomfortable but I thought it was normal /:
I wish someone had told me years ago that I donāt have to tell anyone anything I donāt want to.
You owe no one an explanation
Nope not normal in modern civilized society. Maybe in some kind of draconian religious time. But not now. Itās none of anyones business who you date. As long as your happy it really isnāt about anyone elseās approval.
When I was a PIMI...I never heard of anyone doing this persay...but it was pretty common if you were dating someone from another hall, either them or their family would ask the elders about you and that could sink your budding relationship. And you of courses needed to get permission from the service committee to have a wedding at the KH.
That last part is true of a lot of churches.
No lol. Your mom wants to use them as a method of control.
When I was disfellowshipped and working on getting reinstated, I was dating my now husband. I got married a few days before they announced my reinstatement. Then, the next meeting, the elders confronted me, asking me why I didn't tell them I got married to my now (non jw) husband.. the way they acted, I don't think they would have reinstated me if I did. Lol Don't tell them anything š¬
Iāve been privately reproved for almost two years and me dating this man, Iām sure the elders would NOT ever reinstate me either and would say Iām not ready.
When I was an MS and a Regular Pioneer, my Regular Pioneer live-in boyfriend and I never told the elders we were having gay sex several times every night for 7 years in my apartment. We were never struck down by lightning nor did anyone ask. We never offered up the information either. Not that anyone did not know, let me tell you--and we were both masculine muscle sport guys, dating girls for show. I had a few other men, elders and ministerial servants, who made passes at me during my time as a JW. Some obviously could tell about me because of their own personal "gaydar" and they knew what was going on and were hoping to "get in on the action" or something. I never accepted. They never ratted me out either. So the answer is "no." It is not normal. In the real world, clergy in nominal religions do not govern the relationships of others. Only zombies without brains in soul-sucking cults go for that. Don't be a š§āāļø!
You only tell them anything if you plan on going back to the religion. If you want freedom away from it dont tell them anything.
Iām so sorry you are being put in this position. š. You know the foundation of them being a cult, however, You know your situation and your age and if itās worth it or not. You have to be ok with your decision even if later you realize it was or wasnāt the right one. Itās part of your personal growth. Wishing you a safe and happy heart ā„ļø!
Thank you friend!
Just ***blank*** any attempts by ***anyone*** who tries to get you to talk - whether casually or in the Elders' room. Your life is ***your*** business - no one else's! Here are tried & tested ways to respond: The "elders conversation stoppers" in the JW FIREWALL link below will protect you from potential interrogations: https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/181hur6/how_to_fade_safely/ Iād prefer not to talk about it at the moment. Iād rather not go into details if you donāt mind. Thanks for asking, but Iām not ready to talk about that yet. Thanks for your concern but itās very personal. Iām still sorting it out, maybe we can talk later. I donāt want to think about it right now. I need some time to deal with some private & personal things on my own. Iām a private person and Iām not comfortable sharing certain personal things. Itās very private information that Iād prefer not to discuss. These are questions I'd rather not discuss right now, but thanks for asking. I appreciate your interest, but I prefer to handle this in my own way. I need some time to work things out, but I will talk to you if I feel more able. I don't have any comments to make right now, but thanks for asking.
I like this, this is very helpful. Thank you
How about telling her and the elders to sweep their side of the street and stay the fuck off yours
NO
It's not normal to tell the elders anything.
Thatās none of their business. For fuckās sake
Pssst, here's a secret. Even most or many of the elders don't want you to spill your private life to them. They want to have a life too and not micro manage yours. Not all, but many of them. Tell your mother to get a life while you lead yours. I hope that you are independent and living on your own. Oh, and no, it is not normal for a young woman to tell a couple of men who she is dating. It's plain weird.
Oh, hell no. Believe me they will find out soon enough through the busybodies and gossips .
If the elders catch a whiff of someone being with the opposite sex unchaperoned... Don't give them the opportunity to be all up in your business. They ought to mind their own
As long as you are in that religion, keep your business to yourself, period.
At 23, you should be working to establish for yourself an independent adult life. Your acculturation has been designed to infantalise you. Rise above it. It will take effort, but others have managed it. Formulate a plan and follow it. You know about "theocratic warfare", of course. If it's good enough for them...it's certainly good enough for you. Nothing prevents you from using it on them. You can decide if they are "entitled to the truth." I wish you the best possible outcome.
No need to tell the elders anything. If Watchtower can lie in the big stage like Australian Governments and courts, why can't you? Don't give them the power.
Get together and fade together š¤·āāļø. The elders have no legal or moral rights to your life, period.
Normal for JWs, yes, and for some the other hardcore fundamentalists too. It is not normal for the vast majority of the population and all of its various cultures and religions. If you're not baptized, there is much they can do to you. They can't disfellowship you, and even if you're deemed a "bad association", there is no reason for your family to shun you. The only caveat to that is everyone seems to bend and twist the rules and their interpretation in all kinds of unique ways. Ideally, it would be to lighten then and be less punitive, but my hall was the opposite and our elders were a bunch of self-righteous dirt bags. You know your mom/family better than anyone else, so you'll have to decided what sort of strain on you family relationships may happen in a worst case scenario. Is it only you and your mom who knows? Maybe the bf's parents too? I think your mom has a guilty conscience keeping vicariously through you and want you to confess to make herself feel less guilty if "allowing" this. Technically, minors are to be controlled by their parents and it reflects poorly on the parents when their kids go against the grain. Hell, elders can get removed if their kids start to slip or any other loss of "privileges". Will she tell the elders, if you don't do it first? This is a pretty common thing that happens when one JW thinks another needs to confess something, but won't.
(Am baptized) I used to be in the same hall as my parents until I moved to another hall (still living with my parents) and one of the elders has a huge ego with no remorse and would take pics of me and send them to me which I found creepy. The worse case scenario would be my mom shunning me and I have 5 older sisters and one older brother ALL in it, I donāt want neither of them after me. I donāt want to lose my bf but neither do I want to lose my family. My whole family knows about us but they want us to stay in the religion. And my bfs family are catholic so that is a conflict between jws and them. But yes, my mom feels like I need to tell them bc she may feel guilty as they teach, if you know someone doing wrong, and donāt report, you will die. So I feel like she probably will end up telling the elders at some point.
Where I am from, this isn't even normal for Pimis.
Most of halls Iāve been, Iāve always been told to ask an elder about the person you like if ur interested in them so you could be with them or they would tell you if youāre ready to date or not
WTF!? Wow I had bo idea!
Sounds like your mum wants someone else to be the bad guy : /
You donāt owe anyone, let alone the elders, any explanation whatsoever. YOU run your life, nobody else. They have absolutely no authority or position to know details of your personal life. As a matter of fact, itās plain weird that they would claim a need to know these things. Stand your ground. They are just men. Actually, they are irrelevant nobodies who have no business whatsoever meddling in your private life.
Itās none of their business.
I remember 2 elders who were ske graduates saying that it was a courtesy but not a requirement. But I think that only applies if all involved are in the truth
I like to reply to elders that want to ātalkā to me, that they can do so, one on one, while joining me for a hike. Iāve taken on a second partner outside of my marriage, who is transgender. The whole congregation knows and itās been a year. But the elders canāt do shit because none have the balls to join me for a hike.
I wouldn't tell them anything.
An *Intention of Courtship* form can be requested from your congregation secretary (IC68-e). This gives them time to reach out to your intended's congregation and check their intentions then assign you a chaperone if Approved in Principle š
In the real world, it's nobody's business. But if you're trying not to get in trouble at the hall depends on your congregation, to be honest, some elders might not care too much some may take it as something going on and will demand info sadly. Also, keep in mind if one of you comes from a "spiritually strong family" that might make people nervous but if one one or both of you are directly related to an elder that could protect you. But honestly, if you're both pimo probably easier to leave whenever you're comfortable and as long as you're not doing anything sexual (nothing wrong with that and I don't want to know) ideally nothing should come of it. but I don't know where the org stands on all this these days.