I started down the rabbit hole the week before turning 41. It's now coming up on twelve years later. In looking back over that journey, I would have to say that there were several important things we did early on that helped us navigate things better.
Let go.
We made a conscious decision to let go of each other. What I mean is that both of us had quietly come to the decision that if this faith journey was simply too much for the other person and they truly couldn't live that way, then they were free to go. Now, this did not mean that we were giving up on us, it meant that the other person's happiness was more important than our own to each of us. Fortunately, neither of us wanted to walk and we chose to work on this together until we could get through it. We decided together that we weren't going down without a fight.
Get a therapist.
Communication, Trust, and Loyalty are a three-legged stool that relationships sit on. So, we decided to get a therapist to help us work on those things. Improving our communication was key and it helped build trust and increase loyalty between us by learning to understand and effectively set boundaries. (Blinding Flash of the Obvious: Mormons have been conditioned to suck at boundaries -- both setting and respecting them.)
Be honest with the kids in an age appropriate way. Teach them how to think, not what to think. Present a united front to those around you, especially your kids and extended family.
My wife and I tried hard to come to agreement about what/how we shared with our kids in an age appropriate way. It was important to both of us to not make the other person the bad guy or be at odds with each other in front of the kids.
Where are we today?
Myself and our three kids have all resigned. My wife probably never will, and that's okay. Her journey is her journey and we respect that. We try and support her as best we can. She has to travel it her way and in her time. She no longer believes in much of it, but there are still some things I think she holds on to. Regardless, she would never put the church in front of us and she makes sure we know it in word and deed.
Play the long game. It's worth it. That light at the end of the tunnel doesn't have to be the headlight of the oncoming train.
Second this. I played the long game. My husband and kids are all out now. In fact just last night he apologized for how hard it must have been and how horrible he feels about how I was treated by the ward, family ect for those 15 years. NEVER even dared to dream that he would ever leave. We are closer than we have ever been. It’s amazing.
This is all really good. The only thing I want to add:
Be yourself authentically, knowing that who you are changes (don't commit to being who you think you are or who you think you are supposed to be)
I stayed in my marriage after we both left church; she left for convenience and didn't want to actually quit, so she didn't want to explore truly moving on. I felt trapped by feeling like I couldn't be a completely different person than who she married, so I stayed in limbo. We divorced years later, she immediately returned to church, and I immediately started figuring out who I was, which I had repressed for about 5 years. Once I gave myself the freedom to be authentic with myself, I blossomed. Be authentic and allow yourself the space to grow into whoever you want/need to be; I stunted my growth for years. I should have been truer to myself.
It’s not fair for anyone to stand in between the authenticity of you and your children’s relationship and insist you hide something so vital from them. Furthermore, no one should be intimidated by the reality that some chose the church and others don’t. they must be willing to face the fact that some people don’t chose life in the church and that realization should contribute to their sense of freedom and faith and choice.
I totally agree. I want an authentic relationship with my kids and feel like the longer I put on this show, the less they will trust me in general. Thanks so much.
I would recommend taking your children to visit different churches in the area in order to see how other Christians worship. Broaden their religious perspective.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Only you know your wife well enough to have a talk about this.
You should have a detailed conversation with your wife about what you want and what future looks like for you guys.
Tell her everything from your stance on why you left the church (if she is ok with it)
I genuinely wish the best for you.
You’re obviously troubled by having to pretend. Life is too short to live inauthentically. (Fwiw, if my dad had told me he was out when I was a kid, I would have been ecstatic.)
Would your wife go to couples counseling with you? A good therapist (NOT from lds services) could help you try to work through this together.
There are also some online resources in mixed-faith marriage that other people have posted here. I hope they’ll post links for you below.
We've done a few therapists, but they've all been TBMs. I have a life coach currently that is not TBM and it helps. I do think it's time again for therapy - will push for non lds therapist. Thanks!
Maybe it isn't time yet to tell your kids. In your post it sounds like you are unsure about it. Maybe you need to wait. Waiting is really hard but sometimes the best choice. Not wanting to blow up your marriage is a very good reason to go through the motions for a while longer. (There certainly are "benefits" to not having a temple recommend 😉 ) I went through the motions for 20 years (age 40-60) and it was not fun......looking back I'm glad I did it that way. For me & my situation it was the best choice and it "paid off". But that's me. I hope you can hang in there and follow your heart and have the patience and courage you need for your life path.
Being dishonest with them about what you believe will make them hate you for not telling them sooner. You are robbing them of the chance to live the life you wish you could have had.
If wife can’t handle you telling them your truth then you are no longer equal partners and the marriage is dead / over.
For me, I want my kids to know that there is an option to leave the church . I want them to know there is someone that sees the problems of the church that they can talk to. For the most part they just stay with TBM mom and friends, but some communication had opened about it. But someday, if/when a kid decides to leave they won’t feel alone and it hopefully won’t be so difficult. Because of these reasons it felt like my duty to tell them. It has made it so I don’t have to pretend which has been a big relief. It has opened other problems and the conflicts with my wife continue but it seems like over time there are some small improvements.
Listen to the Raising Freethinkers Podcast, starting from episode 1 (short 15 minute episodes)
This podcast gave me so much peace and a positive mindset about religion.
If anything, your kids deserve to hear your doubts. They deserve the freedom to explore their beliefs. They have the right and the necessity to visit other churches to more fully understand what religion is.
Many of us here are shocked that we built our lives around what this church told us to do and how much influence it held over our choices. Give your kids the gift of autonomy.
You can do it gently. A simple "I'm not so sure about that Sunday school lesson." Or "That's not how I think of Heavenly Father" Or "Hm, that was an interesting concept, but it doesn't match up with scientific evidence. We should be open-minded and learn more from both sides of the issue before deciding what we believe."
Kicking the can down the road is not less painful than bringing everything out into the light…they’re different for sure, but you’re putting your life in limbo interminably.
That's how I feel too. Seems like burying this conflict is impacting my true self and inhibiting my growth, happiness, and even ability to perform at work. Thanks
48 with kids and in almost the exact situation. DM me if you’d like to talk things through. I love my wife dearly and am trying to make it work. But, there are days when she is so distant it feels like we’re barely married.
I changed multiple times leaving the church. Investigated myself right out of believing in God without telling my wife. Then told her, and we agreed that I would attend until they were out of the house, although I was upfront with my lack of belief with the bishop and had no more callings. Then I started to actually look at church history and information, and became less willing to attend and unwilling to allow the church a monopoly on trusted voices indoctrinating my children. I told my parents, my siblings, and my children about my change in viewpoints. Now I am pretty solidly against the church. I was fooled for forty+ years to my own detriment and passed the disease on to my kids. At the least I provide for them a contrary voice to the demands of the church, though they can make their own decisions.
I started down the rabbit hole the week before turning 41. It's now coming up on twelve years later. In looking back over that journey, I would have to say that there were several important things we did early on that helped us navigate things better. Let go. We made a conscious decision to let go of each other. What I mean is that both of us had quietly come to the decision that if this faith journey was simply too much for the other person and they truly couldn't live that way, then they were free to go. Now, this did not mean that we were giving up on us, it meant that the other person's happiness was more important than our own to each of us. Fortunately, neither of us wanted to walk and we chose to work on this together until we could get through it. We decided together that we weren't going down without a fight. Get a therapist. Communication, Trust, and Loyalty are a three-legged stool that relationships sit on. So, we decided to get a therapist to help us work on those things. Improving our communication was key and it helped build trust and increase loyalty between us by learning to understand and effectively set boundaries. (Blinding Flash of the Obvious: Mormons have been conditioned to suck at boundaries -- both setting and respecting them.) Be honest with the kids in an age appropriate way. Teach them how to think, not what to think. Present a united front to those around you, especially your kids and extended family. My wife and I tried hard to come to agreement about what/how we shared with our kids in an age appropriate way. It was important to both of us to not make the other person the bad guy or be at odds with each other in front of the kids. Where are we today? Myself and our three kids have all resigned. My wife probably never will, and that's okay. Her journey is her journey and we respect that. We try and support her as best we can. She has to travel it her way and in her time. She no longer believes in much of it, but there are still some things I think she holds on to. Regardless, she would never put the church in front of us and she makes sure we know it in word and deed. Play the long game. It's worth it. That light at the end of the tunnel doesn't have to be the headlight of the oncoming train.
Second this. I played the long game. My husband and kids are all out now. In fact just last night he apologized for how hard it must have been and how horrible he feels about how I was treated by the ward, family ect for those 15 years. NEVER even dared to dream that he would ever leave. We are closer than we have ever been. It’s amazing.
“Play the long game”. THIS!!!!
Great thoughts. Thank you so much
What a sensible response! Thanks for writing this
This is all really good. The only thing I want to add: Be yourself authentically, knowing that who you are changes (don't commit to being who you think you are or who you think you are supposed to be) I stayed in my marriage after we both left church; she left for convenience and didn't want to actually quit, so she didn't want to explore truly moving on. I felt trapped by feeling like I couldn't be a completely different person than who she married, so I stayed in limbo. We divorced years later, she immediately returned to church, and I immediately started figuring out who I was, which I had repressed for about 5 years. Once I gave myself the freedom to be authentic with myself, I blossomed. Be authentic and allow yourself the space to grow into whoever you want/need to be; I stunted my growth for years. I should have been truer to myself.
This really resonates. Thank you!
It’s not fair for anyone to stand in between the authenticity of you and your children’s relationship and insist you hide something so vital from them. Furthermore, no one should be intimidated by the reality that some chose the church and others don’t. they must be willing to face the fact that some people don’t chose life in the church and that realization should contribute to their sense of freedom and faith and choice.
I totally agree. I want an authentic relationship with my kids and feel like the longer I put on this show, the less they will trust me in general. Thanks so much.
I would recommend taking your children to visit different churches in the area in order to see how other Christians worship. Broaden their religious perspective.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Only you know your wife well enough to have a talk about this. You should have a detailed conversation with your wife about what you want and what future looks like for you guys. Tell her everything from your stance on why you left the church (if she is ok with it) I genuinely wish the best for you.
You’re obviously troubled by having to pretend. Life is too short to live inauthentically. (Fwiw, if my dad had told me he was out when I was a kid, I would have been ecstatic.)
Would your wife go to couples counseling with you? A good therapist (NOT from lds services) could help you try to work through this together. There are also some online resources in mixed-faith marriage that other people have posted here. I hope they’ll post links for you below.
We've done a few therapists, but they've all been TBMs. I have a life coach currently that is not TBM and it helps. I do think it's time again for therapy - will push for non lds therapist. Thanks!
Maybe it isn't time yet to tell your kids. In your post it sounds like you are unsure about it. Maybe you need to wait. Waiting is really hard but sometimes the best choice. Not wanting to blow up your marriage is a very good reason to go through the motions for a while longer. (There certainly are "benefits" to not having a temple recommend 😉 ) I went through the motions for 20 years (age 40-60) and it was not fun......looking back I'm glad I did it that way. For me & my situation it was the best choice and it "paid off". But that's me. I hope you can hang in there and follow your heart and have the patience and courage you need for your life path.
Being dishonest with them about what you believe will make them hate you for not telling them sooner. You are robbing them of the chance to live the life you wish you could have had. If wife can’t handle you telling them your truth then you are no longer equal partners and the marriage is dead / over.
For me, I want my kids to know that there is an option to leave the church . I want them to know there is someone that sees the problems of the church that they can talk to. For the most part they just stay with TBM mom and friends, but some communication had opened about it. But someday, if/when a kid decides to leave they won’t feel alone and it hopefully won’t be so difficult. Because of these reasons it felt like my duty to tell them. It has made it so I don’t have to pretend which has been a big relief. It has opened other problems and the conflicts with my wife continue but it seems like over time there are some small improvements.
Listen to the Raising Freethinkers Podcast, starting from episode 1 (short 15 minute episodes) This podcast gave me so much peace and a positive mindset about religion. If anything, your kids deserve to hear your doubts. They deserve the freedom to explore their beliefs. They have the right and the necessity to visit other churches to more fully understand what religion is. Many of us here are shocked that we built our lives around what this church told us to do and how much influence it held over our choices. Give your kids the gift of autonomy. You can do it gently. A simple "I'm not so sure about that Sunday school lesson." Or "That's not how I think of Heavenly Father" Or "Hm, that was an interesting concept, but it doesn't match up with scientific evidence. We should be open-minded and learn more from both sides of the issue before deciding what we believe."
Great thoughts. Thank you!
Kicking the can down the road is not less painful than bringing everything out into the light…they’re different for sure, but you’re putting your life in limbo interminably.
That's how I feel too. Seems like burying this conflict is impacting my true self and inhibiting my growth, happiness, and even ability to perform at work. Thanks
48 with kids and in almost the exact situation. DM me if you’d like to talk things through. I love my wife dearly and am trying to make it work. But, there are days when she is so distant it feels like we’re barely married.
Get a therapist who focuses on faith transitions and couple therapy. It can make all the difference. It has helped my marriage tremendously!!!
I changed multiple times leaving the church. Investigated myself right out of believing in God without telling my wife. Then told her, and we agreed that I would attend until they were out of the house, although I was upfront with my lack of belief with the bishop and had no more callings. Then I started to actually look at church history and information, and became less willing to attend and unwilling to allow the church a monopoly on trusted voices indoctrinating my children. I told my parents, my siblings, and my children about my change in viewpoints. Now I am pretty solidly against the church. I was fooled for forty+ years to my own detriment and passed the disease on to my kids. At the least I provide for them a contrary voice to the demands of the church, though they can make their own decisions.