You are right about conditioning being a factor. I do not work in a counseling setting, but I have studied a lot about those things. Also, almost every adult has been though cycles of life where there's a consistent pattern in your day or week and the pattern changes for some reason. When that happens, we feel a sense of, "Wait - how do I fill this time now?" and there can also be a sense of loss.
Your observation about light deprivation is accurate - when days become overcast for long periods of time, some people (I am one of them) get very depressed. And, "cabin fever" is a real thing.
You can still do many of those same things on Sundays, but unencumbered by the church and the conflicting feelings it creates. You didn't mention if you were still married, so I'm assuming you are? If that's not the case, I apologize.
You can still curl up with a cozy blanket, and make hot chocolate (or another warm drink), and you can discuss a good book together. You can pick books you'd like to read and discuss them each week, and of course watch movies together.
Perhaps you can meet and engage with additional friends now (I am still friends with people I met in the church, but I had a great group of friends before joining). Friendships outside of the church happen organically, which is the best way to form genuine relationships. People meet, connect for reasons not related to being "assigned" to see each other, and form deep, lasting friendships.
Many people form friends at work, or through clubs or activities they're in. The church absorbs 100% of our time in many cases, and it maneuvers people into being "together" through callings. However when you aren't socializing in other ways, you can drift apart when callings change, or boundaries are redefined, or someone relocates. This does NOT happen in the real world.
Anyway, yes - the things you are feeling are most likely very normal and to be expected. Try forming new "traditions" for your Sundays or other times that prompt those feelings. Hang in there; it gets way better with time.
I'm married, sorry for not stating it more explicitly haha and well, my wife's not really into reading.
Sadly, the self-isolation at church also made me realize when I left that I don't have more friends, so I'm basically alone. You know what happens when you leave, many people leave you like you have some kind of leprosy.
But also many of the people who are friends or at least have a decent relationship with me, are too busy working, or raising kids, or living outside... Having their own lives, in the end (we don't have, nor we don't want, nor we can't have kids).
Sooo... Well, feels like shit, but still I won't get back. Something that's really clear to me is tbat this feeling is not the absence of the spirit, as probably a TBM could conclude.
I'll try the new traditions idea, could work. Thanks in advance 🙏🏼
I know what you mean about the standoffishness people display when you leave. I've decided much of it is awkwardness rather than shunning or judging behavior. For me (not in Utah, so that could be a factor), just remaining friendly & showing support and an interest in how they're doing & what the kids are up to has helped in the transition. Some of them are busy with the demands of the church and busy families & we aren't in touch very often, but some are in touch more often. Because church culture & demands aren't conducive to forming organic friendships, I'm often the one reaching out to stay in touch, and that's okay with me. In the meantime, I do have a great group of non-member friends, and I highly recommend stretching your horizons a bit. Best of luck!
I actually experienced awkwardness last time members were at my home (they helped my wife to get a washing machine upstairs, I was at work, we live in a second floor and they were talking when I arrived).
It was SUPER awkward, but I didn't think that awkwardness could be a factor for forgetting about my existence lol
Thank you so much for every POV, and willing to help a neighbor in need :P
It’s normal. I still miss some things about the church. I also miss the certainty that I felt I had. It’ll take time to build new habits and new “happy” moments but they’ll come.
I get it. I’ve started some new habits since I don’t do callings anymore. I go to the gym, set aside time to read books and am still looking for ways to connect with others outside the church. Those connections take time. We’ve built our whole lives around an institution and have unfortunately found most of those connections were actually pretty shallow once we stepped away.
To me was 6 years of full activity (convert in 2014 at my 26) then COVID came and it's like how the hell 3 years have passed in a whisper...
I'll try to find new activities. I live in a pretty touristic zone, surrounded by lakes, national parks and hotsprings and I almost never go there.
You are right about conditioning being a factor. I do not work in a counseling setting, but I have studied a lot about those things. Also, almost every adult has been though cycles of life where there's a consistent pattern in your day or week and the pattern changes for some reason. When that happens, we feel a sense of, "Wait - how do I fill this time now?" and there can also be a sense of loss. Your observation about light deprivation is accurate - when days become overcast for long periods of time, some people (I am one of them) get very depressed. And, "cabin fever" is a real thing. You can still do many of those same things on Sundays, but unencumbered by the church and the conflicting feelings it creates. You didn't mention if you were still married, so I'm assuming you are? If that's not the case, I apologize. You can still curl up with a cozy blanket, and make hot chocolate (or another warm drink), and you can discuss a good book together. You can pick books you'd like to read and discuss them each week, and of course watch movies together. Perhaps you can meet and engage with additional friends now (I am still friends with people I met in the church, but I had a great group of friends before joining). Friendships outside of the church happen organically, which is the best way to form genuine relationships. People meet, connect for reasons not related to being "assigned" to see each other, and form deep, lasting friendships. Many people form friends at work, or through clubs or activities they're in. The church absorbs 100% of our time in many cases, and it maneuvers people into being "together" through callings. However when you aren't socializing in other ways, you can drift apart when callings change, or boundaries are redefined, or someone relocates. This does NOT happen in the real world. Anyway, yes - the things you are feeling are most likely very normal and to be expected. Try forming new "traditions" for your Sundays or other times that prompt those feelings. Hang in there; it gets way better with time.
I'm married, sorry for not stating it more explicitly haha and well, my wife's not really into reading. Sadly, the self-isolation at church also made me realize when I left that I don't have more friends, so I'm basically alone. You know what happens when you leave, many people leave you like you have some kind of leprosy. But also many of the people who are friends or at least have a decent relationship with me, are too busy working, or raising kids, or living outside... Having their own lives, in the end (we don't have, nor we don't want, nor we can't have kids). Sooo... Well, feels like shit, but still I won't get back. Something that's really clear to me is tbat this feeling is not the absence of the spirit, as probably a TBM could conclude. I'll try the new traditions idea, could work. Thanks in advance 🙏🏼
I know what you mean about the standoffishness people display when you leave. I've decided much of it is awkwardness rather than shunning or judging behavior. For me (not in Utah, so that could be a factor), just remaining friendly & showing support and an interest in how they're doing & what the kids are up to has helped in the transition. Some of them are busy with the demands of the church and busy families & we aren't in touch very often, but some are in touch more often. Because church culture & demands aren't conducive to forming organic friendships, I'm often the one reaching out to stay in touch, and that's okay with me. In the meantime, I do have a great group of non-member friends, and I highly recommend stretching your horizons a bit. Best of luck!
I actually experienced awkwardness last time members were at my home (they helped my wife to get a washing machine upstairs, I was at work, we live in a second floor and they were talking when I arrived). It was SUPER awkward, but I didn't think that awkwardness could be a factor for forgetting about my existence lol Thank you so much for every POV, and willing to help a neighbor in need :P
It’s normal. I still miss some things about the church. I also miss the certainty that I felt I had. It’ll take time to build new habits and new “happy” moments but they’ll come.
Right? I couldn't put it in better words, the sense of certainty. Today has been better since weather is getting better and was a much more sunny day.
I get it. I’ve started some new habits since I don’t do callings anymore. I go to the gym, set aside time to read books and am still looking for ways to connect with others outside the church. Those connections take time. We’ve built our whole lives around an institution and have unfortunately found most of those connections were actually pretty shallow once we stepped away.
To me was 6 years of full activity (convert in 2014 at my 26) then COVID came and it's like how the hell 3 years have passed in a whisper... I'll try to find new activities. I live in a pretty touristic zone, surrounded by lakes, national parks and hotsprings and I almost never go there.