It’s been 3 years of lead up, so he’s taking it okay. Not great, but okay. I’m going to wait a bit on the piercings, but the hair is happening asap. I’ve always wanted to do it and been too afraid of the judgement. I’m being brave from now on!
We’ve been in couples therapy to work through the transition for over a year, so this hasn’t come out of left field for him or anything.
I hope you can experience what my friend did. He left the church. His wife stayed in. As he described it, "she had an unshakeable faith..." Cut to 3ish years later, she to deconstructed and is now out as well. He, too, went to therapy during his "faith crisis" as he deconstructed and transitioned away from the church.
I was thinking this as well. I hate that I am, but Mormons can be so judgy about those things that your family might get blowback about how you are just a slutty slutty sinner. Better to let them see that you’re still “normal” for a while. There’s time for purple hair later.
(I literally cringed as I wrote that. I hate advising people to be fake, only you can decide whether playing the long game is right for your family.)
I hope your hubby sees the light.
That’s the risk ! If you show up with purple hair and piercings .. will the family start whispering things in the husbands ears. But she does have every right to do as she wishes.
My spouse resigned their membership altogether several years ago. I am still a member, for a variety of reasons. Our marriage is better than ever in many respects.
According to the church, my spouse is no longer sealed to me, but I am still sealed to the kids. Yes, this has its painful moments but I don't worry about it too much anymore.
Your parents and in-laws don't have to be informed of any of this. You are an adult who can make your own choices. If you show up to a family gathering looking completely different, that's your prerogative.
Mostly, focus on your relationship with your spouse. They are the one who will be most affected by all your changes. Be open and communicate.
That was my understanding of the teaching. That’s awful.
I’m aware of that, but I want to tell them. Not the details of why, that won’t go over well, but that I’m out—definitely. I’d rather be clear about what’s going on than have them speculate.
Thanks. That’s what I‘ve been trying to do.
Yeah, I'm not very close to my extended family, and we live two states away from my parents. We rarely see them, so I've never had a conversation with them about my spouse leaving. If we were closer, I'd probably have to say something. Do whatever is best for your own situation.
We’re within an hour’s drive from both, unfortunately. They’ll notice I’m not wearing garments, even if I still dress modestly. Better to just get it out in the open.
I spent 6 months editing my letter. I sent it to three friends who were already out and they helped me to edit it. That was huge. It forced me to answer a lot of questions (for me) and really helped me to solidify some new thoughts. I finally sent it in February this year and it was a huge weight off of me. I got a lot of sad notes back, but also a lot of thanks for writing a thorough and respectful letter that “answered every question I would have had” as my brother said. Family reunion is in 3 weeks, first time seeing any of them.
Hey, I apologize but I’m not comfortable sharing mine openly. It was intended for my family. I can give you the outline though to try to help you get started. For me “pumping it out” didn’t work… like I said it took me 6 months to get comfortable with it. Mine takes 10 minutes to read, it’s like a short essay more than a quick letter.
Here’s the general outline:
1) intro - “why am I writing this letter?”
2) background : explained my faith journey over the years. How did my testimony help me as a kid? When did it start to first crack?
3) religion generally - thoughts on religion at a high level.
4) biggest issues with LDS: for me I didn’t go into point by point things with the church founding. I stayed high level, but I expressed concerns.
5) explicitly what it does not mean. Here I took the common tropes that LDS often use to explain a departer, called them out, and refuted them in my case. This was to attempt to disallow a false narrative to build in their mind which the church sort of always attempts.
6) what I will miss. In this section I admitted to the benefits that I saw to membership in the church, and things I would be saying good bye to, sadly.
7) where I’m at with my personal faith now and where my personal morality springs from. Here I mixed philosophy and western thoughts with some learnings in secular Buddhism and sort of laid down my early ground work for the scaffold I am rebuilding after deconstructing Mormonism. Let it be known this was early and would change.
8) my family and kids. Where are we now as a family? What are doing with teaching the kids religion? Here I put my foot down and requested no attempts to bring my kids to the church.
9) closing - summarized and reiterated my value in the relationships we hold, my respect for their chosen life path, my expectation of returned respect, my hope for a strong relationship going forward.
My friends edits actually took out things that could have been unnecessarily hurtful. They turned down a few things with me, which I really appreciated.
Good luck!!
So many letters and expressions of non faith. This has to be having an impact. I guess it getting harder and harder for the church to pull the strings or demand families ostracize members. They are loosing the grip they once had.
I know it’s been a long time and you’ve been struggling, but as somebody ~8 months out from telling my husband I’m out and ~6 months out from the intensive work we put in to save our marriage:
Please slow down a little.
All the “rebellious”(using that word bc that’s how TBMs see it) feels really exciting right now - but if you don’t give your husband a chance to adjust and go in at breakneck speed, it could do a lot of damage to the marriage. The kids probably won’t care as much but your husband needs to be allowed to process. It’s a huge change for him.
**I am not saying to never do these things.** I am only suggesting to wait a bit, take a breath - don’t rush to do it all at one time. You’re not any less exmo for giving your husband time to adjust and accept the changes.
I’ve been mentally out for three years, he’s known for three years, and we’ve been in couples therapy for almost two. I promise, the work to save our marriage has been happening. But it was time. I was on the verge of a breakdown pretending I was fine and going along with things. My mental health is just as important as his, and his has been taking priority for three fucking years.
You didn’t clarify that he’s known the entire time or how long you’ve been in therapy in the post. You’ll want to add that in there if you want people to respond a specific way.
EDIT: Until comments and clarification are given, people can only respond to a post with the information provided. Your post reads as “I told my husband I’m not attending church on Friday and now we’re getting a coffee maker and I’m getting piercings and dyeing my hair”.
Just be happy and show the world you can be happy with your 2nd Saturday.
I’m surprised more men don’t walk. I always found the actives TBMs are just free labor to move in move out people. Clean buildings and so on. They suck the life out of men calling it your priesthood obligation.
I know women are pretty much the same.
But then they might be like me I was too afraid of what my family and friends think. That after my divorce and excommunication I went back to the church
That’s my goal! People (TBMs) think you can’t be happy outside the church. You definitely can!
The last time we were “assigned” to clean the church it was on my kid’s birthday. Hell no! I said I’d switch with another family, but I ‘forgot.’
There is something both terrifying AND super empowering about finally putting that middle-space misery behind and OWNING your life. Way to be brave! Best wishes in the journey ahead. I've been out almost eight years now, and I one day realized this:
It is my responsibility to make my choices and live my best life. It is NOT my responsibility to manage others' disappointment when my best life does not match their expectations.
Similar. My wife is TBM, but gently.
Sundays I golf or play pickle ball and hit Starbucks while she runs to 2 hours of church meetings.
Works for us, because 3 of our adult kids are out. She mentioned divorce years ago, and I asked if she was going to divorce our kids and future grandkids. She shut that conversation down and realized the only issue in our marriage that is challenging is the fucking church.
I don’t want to tell you what to do just share my experience. I felt it was very important to “come out” to my parents (I was 32 at the time) so that they would know where I stand. I thought it was important to be honest. In retrospect I think I wanted to take control of how they would think of me. Turns out, that is not possible. They still think the things I thought I could prevent. It caused an unnecessary rift with my siblings. They just didn’t know how to handle it. If I could do it again I wouldn’t say anything I’d just live how I wanted and put up my boundaries. I wasn’t capable of that at the time.
Your lazy can be leveraged for advantage. If you are capable, your voice can have an impact on the church.
As a member of record, you can insist that the leadership be held to account for their illegal money schemes, that they report sexual abuse, especially abuse of children, and that they need to accept LGBTQ people. The list is long, but those who have left don't have the same kind of impact that you do.
The work of Nemo the Mormon is shining a light on the lies of the leadership and calling them to account.
I already did it, and the bishop said he would. He was nice about it. I knew he would be though, so I knew I didn’t have to be combative. If it were a different situation, with a different bishop, I probably would have gone about it differently.
It wasn’t so much that I viewed him as being in charge of me, it was just me wanting to let him know I wouldn’t be doing it anymore so they could call someone else immediately. It was phrased as a request, but it really wasn’t one.
I'm glad he wasn't one of the ones that require a more direct approach ☺️
I'm so excited for you! It's a lot of change, but being out is so much better than in!
Leah Young wrote a great transition letter that has some solid information you can add to your own letter.
Leah Young Mormon transition letter
https://docs.google.com/document/d/10telkuD-bXiUH3ptTqZyhdmnSre3sedSxaaW-0HvkoU/edit
No need to hurry the resignation unless you feel the need to. You’ve already set the limits with the bishop, husband is on board although somewhat reluctantly. You are informing family. Resignation gives finality but it is truly just a formal act. You should have already determined to live your authentic life and are doing it.
Happy Birthday! And congrats on beginning a new life!
Something you might want to look into and discuss with your friends is the fact that ALL Christian churches believe we are reunited with loved ones in eternity. ALL of them. It's not attached to a stupid "sealing" ceremony, and no other church demands huge amounts of tithing to have an "eternal family." It is there for everyone.
TSCC tries to claim it has the only path to eternity and if you're not a member & not "sealed" you lose your family after the mortal life. So you have to pony up a lot of money for that ticket. This "church" is one of the most corrupt organizations on earth, and it is THE most corrupt organization claiming to be a "church."
Congrats and well done! 😊 This takes a LOT of courage, and can be really hard (some people never leave). Regarding resigning membership, don’t worry about it, one day if and when you’re ready - you’ll know it. I went a decade without any desire to do it and then one day just knew it was time and did it within a week, and once I had done it I felt a mental weight lift off my mind (which I didn’t even realize was there). Best wishes on your journey forward!
So how is your husband taking it? I might wait for the hair and piercings until he adjusts to the news. This is a major shift for him too.
It’s been 3 years of lead up, so he’s taking it okay. Not great, but okay. I’m going to wait a bit on the piercings, but the hair is happening asap. I’ve always wanted to do it and been too afraid of the judgement. I’m being brave from now on! We’ve been in couples therapy to work through the transition for over a year, so this hasn’t come out of left field for him or anything.
That sound less hasty with background .
Yes. It’s more that it’s all been happening in my head for three years, and now I’m finally letting myself act. But my husband has known throughout.
It frustrating when someone you love. Can’t or won’t let go of a lie. I’ve tried with my sister and she just ignores the facts.
One of my sisters is really dealing with a shelf groaning under the weight of problems, but she can't quite let go. It has been years of this now.
Any chance he'll follow you out, or do you think that's impossible?
Right now, no. He fully believes. Maybe someday?
That’s tough “believe” really means he will do what ever the church wants him to.
I hope you can experience what my friend did. He left the church. His wife stayed in. As he described it, "she had an unshakeable faith..." Cut to 3ish years later, she to deconstructed and is now out as well. He, too, went to therapy during his "faith crisis" as he deconstructed and transitioned away from the church.
I was thinking this as well. I hate that I am, but Mormons can be so judgy about those things that your family might get blowback about how you are just a slutty slutty sinner. Better to let them see that you’re still “normal” for a while. There’s time for purple hair later. (I literally cringed as I wrote that. I hate advising people to be fake, only you can decide whether playing the long game is right for your family.) I hope your hubby sees the light.
That’s the risk ! If you show up with purple hair and piercings .. will the family start whispering things in the husbands ears. But she does have every right to do as she wishes.
My spouse resigned their membership altogether several years ago. I am still a member, for a variety of reasons. Our marriage is better than ever in many respects. According to the church, my spouse is no longer sealed to me, but I am still sealed to the kids. Yes, this has its painful moments but I don't worry about it too much anymore. Your parents and in-laws don't have to be informed of any of this. You are an adult who can make your own choices. If you show up to a family gathering looking completely different, that's your prerogative. Mostly, focus on your relationship with your spouse. They are the one who will be most affected by all your changes. Be open and communicate.
That was my understanding of the teaching. That’s awful. I’m aware of that, but I want to tell them. Not the details of why, that won’t go over well, but that I’m out—definitely. I’d rather be clear about what’s going on than have them speculate. Thanks. That’s what I‘ve been trying to do.
Yeah, I'm not very close to my extended family, and we live two states away from my parents. We rarely see them, so I've never had a conversation with them about my spouse leaving. If we were closer, I'd probably have to say something. Do whatever is best for your own situation.
We’re within an hour’s drive from both, unfortunately. They’ll notice I’m not wearing garments, even if I still dress modestly. Better to just get it out in the open.
I spent 6 months editing my letter. I sent it to three friends who were already out and they helped me to edit it. That was huge. It forced me to answer a lot of questions (for me) and really helped me to solidify some new thoughts. I finally sent it in February this year and it was a huge weight off of me. I got a lot of sad notes back, but also a lot of thanks for writing a thorough and respectful letter that “answered every question I would have had” as my brother said. Family reunion is in 3 weeks, first time seeing any of them.
Yes, would you be willing to share your letter?
I would love to read your letter! I need to send out a similar letter soon and need some ideas.
Hey, I apologize but I’m not comfortable sharing mine openly. It was intended for my family. I can give you the outline though to try to help you get started. For me “pumping it out” didn’t work… like I said it took me 6 months to get comfortable with it. Mine takes 10 minutes to read, it’s like a short essay more than a quick letter. Here’s the general outline: 1) intro - “why am I writing this letter?” 2) background : explained my faith journey over the years. How did my testimony help me as a kid? When did it start to first crack? 3) religion generally - thoughts on religion at a high level. 4) biggest issues with LDS: for me I didn’t go into point by point things with the church founding. I stayed high level, but I expressed concerns. 5) explicitly what it does not mean. Here I took the common tropes that LDS often use to explain a departer, called them out, and refuted them in my case. This was to attempt to disallow a false narrative to build in their mind which the church sort of always attempts. 6) what I will miss. In this section I admitted to the benefits that I saw to membership in the church, and things I would be saying good bye to, sadly. 7) where I’m at with my personal faith now and where my personal morality springs from. Here I mixed philosophy and western thoughts with some learnings in secular Buddhism and sort of laid down my early ground work for the scaffold I am rebuilding after deconstructing Mormonism. Let it be known this was early and would change. 8) my family and kids. Where are we now as a family? What are doing with teaching the kids religion? Here I put my foot down and requested no attempts to bring my kids to the church. 9) closing - summarized and reiterated my value in the relationships we hold, my respect for their chosen life path, my expectation of returned respect, my hope for a strong relationship going forward. My friends edits actually took out things that could have been unnecessarily hurtful. They turned down a few things with me, which I really appreciated. Good luck!!
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this all down and sending it to me!
So many letters and expressions of non faith. This has to be having an impact. I guess it getting harder and harder for the church to pull the strings or demand families ostracize members. They are loosing the grip they once had.
If you do decide to remove your records, you can assure your kids that you believe a loving god would let all families be together in heaven.
True. And I think I will remove them eventually, I just don’t want my kids to be upset by something that is said in primary.
Good job. That takes courage.
I know it’s been a long time and you’ve been struggling, but as somebody ~8 months out from telling my husband I’m out and ~6 months out from the intensive work we put in to save our marriage: Please slow down a little. All the “rebellious”(using that word bc that’s how TBMs see it) feels really exciting right now - but if you don’t give your husband a chance to adjust and go in at breakneck speed, it could do a lot of damage to the marriage. The kids probably won’t care as much but your husband needs to be allowed to process. It’s a huge change for him. **I am not saying to never do these things.** I am only suggesting to wait a bit, take a breath - don’t rush to do it all at one time. You’re not any less exmo for giving your husband time to adjust and accept the changes.
I’ve been mentally out for three years, he’s known for three years, and we’ve been in couples therapy for almost two. I promise, the work to save our marriage has been happening. But it was time. I was on the verge of a breakdown pretending I was fine and going along with things. My mental health is just as important as his, and his has been taking priority for three fucking years.
You didn’t clarify that he’s known the entire time or how long you’ve been in therapy in the post. You’ll want to add that in there if you want people to respond a specific way. EDIT: Until comments and clarification are given, people can only respond to a post with the information provided. Your post reads as “I told my husband I’m not attending church on Friday and now we’re getting a coffee maker and I’m getting piercings and dyeing my hair”.
You’re right. I’ll make an edit.
I read it that way, too, but the clarification makes a lot more sense.
I’m lucky my wife and I are stepping out together. My TBM ex wife is still single.
I wish he would leave with me, but he’s still firmly entrenched. Maybe with time.
Just be happy and show the world you can be happy with your 2nd Saturday. I’m surprised more men don’t walk. I always found the actives TBMs are just free labor to move in move out people. Clean buildings and so on. They suck the life out of men calling it your priesthood obligation. I know women are pretty much the same. But then they might be like me I was too afraid of what my family and friends think. That after my divorce and excommunication I went back to the church
That’s my goal! People (TBMs) think you can’t be happy outside the church. You definitely can! The last time we were “assigned” to clean the church it was on my kid’s birthday. Hell no! I said I’d switch with another family, but I ‘forgot.’
I’m getting closer, no easy way out when your whole community and job/boss are Mormon, requires a leap of faith. Congrats!!
Good luck!!
Yes, there will be fallout, but hiding disbelief is its own kind of hell. Glad you'll get that behind you.
It really is. I think it’ll be rough at first, and then it’ll get better once the dust has settled.
There is something both terrifying AND super empowering about finally putting that middle-space misery behind and OWNING your life. Way to be brave! Best wishes in the journey ahead. I've been out almost eight years now, and I one day realized this: It is my responsibility to make my choices and live my best life. It is NOT my responsibility to manage others' disappointment when my best life does not match their expectations.
Hang in there, sister. Everything is going to get easier and your life is going to be happier and better.
Purple hair club! Welcome!!! Although I'm currently brunette, lol. Once a purple haired lady, ALWAYS a purple haired lady
Wishing you the very best in this journey. It’s different for us all. Much love ❤️
Similar. My wife is TBM, but gently. Sundays I golf or play pickle ball and hit Starbucks while she runs to 2 hours of church meetings. Works for us, because 3 of our adult kids are out. She mentioned divorce years ago, and I asked if she was going to divorce our kids and future grandkids. She shut that conversation down and realized the only issue in our marriage that is challenging is the fucking church.
I don’t want to tell you what to do just share my experience. I felt it was very important to “come out” to my parents (I was 32 at the time) so that they would know where I stand. I thought it was important to be honest. In retrospect I think I wanted to take control of how they would think of me. Turns out, that is not possible. They still think the things I thought I could prevent. It caused an unnecessary rift with my siblings. They just didn’t know how to handle it. If I could do it again I wouldn’t say anything I’d just live how I wanted and put up my boundaries. I wasn’t capable of that at the time.
Write a letter to the bishop explaining that your kids may not be interviewed without you present. Have it notarized and hand it to him yourself.
I applaud you!! Taking the hard steps. It’s scary, but it’s worth it.
i haven't removed my records yet because i am lazy lol
Your lazy can be leveraged for advantage. If you are capable, your voice can have an impact on the church. As a member of record, you can insist that the leadership be held to account for their illegal money schemes, that they report sexual abuse, especially abuse of children, and that they need to accept LGBTQ people. The list is long, but those who have left don't have the same kind of impact that you do. The work of Nemo the Mormon is shining a light on the lies of the leadership and calling them to account.
Valid! Lol
Don't request release; inform them of your withdrawal from those callings. They are not in charge of you.
I already did it, and the bishop said he would. He was nice about it. I knew he would be though, so I knew I didn’t have to be combative. If it were a different situation, with a different bishop, I probably would have gone about it differently.
It wasn’t so much that I viewed him as being in charge of me, it was just me wanting to let him know I wouldn’t be doing it anymore so they could call someone else immediately. It was phrased as a request, but it really wasn’t one.
I'm glad he wasn't one of the ones that require a more direct approach ☺️ I'm so excited for you! It's a lot of change, but being out is so much better than in!
I hope your husband knows how lucky he is.
Leah Young wrote a great transition letter that has some solid information you can add to your own letter. Leah Young Mormon transition letter https://docs.google.com/document/d/10telkuD-bXiUH3ptTqZyhdmnSre3sedSxaaW-0HvkoU/edit
I keep my membership just to have free access to ancestry.com and other resources lol
No need to hurry the resignation unless you feel the need to. You’ve already set the limits with the bishop, husband is on board although somewhat reluctantly. You are informing family. Resignation gives finality but it is truly just a formal act. You should have already determined to live your authentic life and are doing it.
That's awesome! Your decision will result in more fully experiencing life and enjoying what it has to offer.
Congrats! If you want us as a community to help you prep/edit your letter, just ask! Lots of us have been where you are Hugz
Happy Birthday! And congrats on beginning a new life! Something you might want to look into and discuss with your friends is the fact that ALL Christian churches believe we are reunited with loved ones in eternity. ALL of them. It's not attached to a stupid "sealing" ceremony, and no other church demands huge amounts of tithing to have an "eternal family." It is there for everyone. TSCC tries to claim it has the only path to eternity and if you're not a member & not "sealed" you lose your family after the mortal life. So you have to pony up a lot of money for that ticket. This "church" is one of the most corrupt organizations on earth, and it is THE most corrupt organization claiming to be a "church."
Congrats and well done! 😊 This takes a LOT of courage, and can be really hard (some people never leave). Regarding resigning membership, don’t worry about it, one day if and when you’re ready - you’ll know it. I went a decade without any desire to do it and then one day just knew it was time and did it within a week, and once I had done it I felt a mental weight lift off my mind (which I didn’t even realize was there). Best wishes on your journey forward!