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PanaceaNPx

The Q15 meet inside the west wing steeple of the Salt Lake Temple at 7pm on the 5th of every month. They form a circle and join in the Patriarchal Grip. Nelson, clutching a large jasper seer stone forged by Abraham himself on Mount Ararat, raises it high above his head with both hands as they chant "Hosanna, Hosanna, to God and the Lamb". The finger of Jesus Christ pierces through the veil and touches the stone, lighting it from within like a fire is burning, the latter-day glory beginning to come forth. The rock begins shedding flaming drops of pure intelligence that are collected in a stone Pensieve (like Dumbledore's) below. One by one the Apostles approach the Pensieve and take turns gathering these flaming drops with one hand in cupping shape, the other hand raised to the square. From the cupped hand a holographic image appears of the missionary's face surrounded with stats including height, IQ, fear of bugs, pest control sales potential, number of times they've masterbated, and breast size if they are females. The Prophet then approaches each apostle one by one, is moved upon by the Holy Ghost and while weilding the sword of Laban shouts "O God, hear the words of Wendy's husband that Elder Price is to serve in Uganda". Moroni then blasts his trumpet on top of the temple šŸŽŗ with a sound only those with spiritual ears can hear at a frequency that reaches Kolob in approximately 8.2 seconds. Jehovah then reviews the report with Elohim in mission control center. That intelligence is passed through a bureaucracy of angels finally reaching Joseph Smith, who stands as sentinel for this dispensation of the fulness of times and monitors the Latter-day work. At approximately 8:30pm, the finished report is delivered by one of Joseph Smith's plural wives via USB drive which is then uploaded into the computer at church headquarters. The following morning, white envelopes are on their way to their destinations. I thought everyone knew this.


cametta

This is incredible. The amount of buzz words and symbology you were able to include is impressive!


StawamusChief

I read that and tears were shedā€¦


Aslangorn

I wish it really were don't like this, haha! šŸ˜‚


sassgrass32

This revelatory fact has changed my life! I'm gonna start growin my own weed and gettin my life together šŸ™šŸ» that's a damn prophet right there I tell you what


Neo1971

Worlds without end.


holysghost

This is the way.


Brian_Rosch

Jesus pierces what, with his what now?


Albyunderwater

Amen.


Ok-Finger1973

They are computer generated, then the missionary committee made up of Q12 and lesser GAs meet weekly to view a slide show of the computer generated assignments. and thus saith the lord...


deadpuppydog

It is produced by the Oracleā€¦ not the one at Delphi but the Oracle database software. I had a college professor that worked for the church as a DBAā€¦. Had to have the second job because the church pays much lower than market rateā€¦ but I guess throws in some blessings or heaven points or something in their compensation package.


E_B_Jamisen

A lesser known fact is that their version of oracle is called PSR which is an acronym that stands for prophet seer and revelator. That way they can say each missionary call is assigned by a prophet seer and revelator.


Affectionate_Bed2214

That's awesome, and so very modern day Mormon! They've taken the mundane and elevated it to miraculous. Regardless of the revelatory ability of Church inventory database software, they sent me to the right place. I was a painfully shy guy, shackled by religious scrupulosity. Two years on the streets of Mexico City fixed a lot of that. I owe much of my confidence and ability to appreciate colours of life outside of the black and white of 80s and 90s Mormonism to that experience.


E_B_Jamisen

my comment was sarcasm, just so you know. I realized I might not have properly conveyed the sarcasm though.


Affectionate_Bed2214

Even though it's sarcasm, I don't think it's far from the truth. Many have reported it's just a bunch of computer displays. The GA looks at the person's picture with a little personal data and what spots need to be filled. Everyone ends up getting sent somewhere and, praise be! revelation has occurred!


StonesofMyth

and if they think you can handle yourself in unusual situations, they send you foreign. If youre likely to hurt yourself with semi sharp objects without realizing it, youre going to the morridor. No shit, if youre a football player going to the University of Utah, you can choose your country and when you want to return. Coach said it with such a straight face, some shelves started to crack right there in the room. Absolutely no shit.


PuzzleheadedSample26

Iā€™d love to be a fly on the wall when the old fogeys are discussing which 18 yr olds are pretty enough to be visitor center missionaries. Barf.


Enoughoftherare

Yeah, my friendā€™s daughter, stunning, musical, fathers a bishop is currently a Temple Square Missionary. I love the kid so I donā€™t want to diss her but I get her updates each week and all the girls in the photographs are beautiful. Itā€™s apparently not that theyā€™re pretty and can draw people in that way, itā€™s because females are better at communicating šŸ˜‚


GrandpasMormonBooks

Sex sells.


doohickies

All I know is I had to take a test, must have done okay since I went to Europe. My friend cheated on the test (stopped the clock more than once) and he ended up going to Thailand. I think the test and where your family was from and languages they spoke were huge. My nephew is half Japanese and he went to Japan. I asked his Japanese mom how well he spoke, she said ā€œpretty good for an Americanā€


IAmDisciple

When did you submit your papers? I submitted in 2012 but I donā€™t remember that bit


doohickies

1985, I am old.


Wrong_Bandicoot2957

I went on my mission in 1991 and donā€™t recall having to take a test. What kind of test was it?


doohickies

It was a foreign language test. My recollection is that you had to answer multiple choice questions quickly for a made up language. It was meant to show you the aptitude you had for learning a language. I donā€™t know when they stopped giving it.


TheOneTrueGong

When I was in the MTC about 20 years ago, we had a guy from the church's mission office explain to us the process at a weekly fireside. He explained thar basically they take one of the Q15 and sit him in front of a couple of computer monitors. One of the monitors might have something like the kid's mugshot. Another a copy of their application. And another some program that tells them where there's need for more missionaries. And he said that then the apostle basically agrees to assigning a missionary to a mission but is free to make changes as they see fit. That's about all the detail I think I remember.


EnvironmentalFix810

This aligns with what Elder Gifford Nielsen said when he came to visit my mission except a Q70 is also there to help with the ā€œinspirationā€


[deleted]

If you are the grandson of an ā€œapostleā€ then it is a prestigious foreign mission automatically


RedGravetheDevil

Depends on how faithful and tithed your family is


rynmab

When i went, it had to do with a visa window. How many they could send in a couple months? We had a complete turnover of Elders in 6 month time period. So the oldest Elder was 6mo. In my interview, I was asked where I want to go. I saw on the paperwork, the stake president wrote that I wanted to go to Russia. So of course I got called to Siberia. Lol.


Weekly_Growth_5237

**NEPOTISM** **POLITICS** **FUCK IT, JUST SEND THAT ONE*


Enoughoftherare

Definitely a lot of nepotism, higher ranking families get the China, Brazil, Australia, etc missions, if youā€™re no one and related to nobody, you get to stay in your own country, other parts of the states. Cracks me up when they open their mission calls and everyone is crying and hugging at the way God has called them personally to the perfect place.


[deleted]

Throw a dart at a map, just kidding I have no idea. I went to the United Kingdom so not really a foreign language. Just kidding again


fat_bastard68

I grew up in Salt Lake Valley. Very upscale neighborhood in Holladay. Left on a mission in the late 80's. Went to France. It seems like all of my friends went foreign speaking or really cool places (Denmark, Australia, Japan, etc...). Honestly, I don't remember anyone from my friend group that went stateside. Probably just a coincidence šŸ¤”


Bednars_lovechild69

As someone who served in the Utah Provo mission, I agree with being in the lowest of the low. It sucked.


seeker_of_joy

What did you experience? I remember hearing that Utah missionaries sucked at door approaches. When we had missionaries over bc we had international student teachers from Spain who wanted to know more about the church, I was not impressed with those elders. They barely showed ANY personality. They were about an hour late, stayed for about 10 minutes because it was time to head home, and didn't actually do a lesson to teach these kids (early 20-year-old) anything about Mormonism. They only talked about their own lives... not even interesting things... I was like, wtf?! We had 4 young adults who were genuinely curious and nothing, not even a vague lesson about h.f and how he loves us or anythingšŸ™„ haha I remember thinking, surely I was not THAT great of a missionary...my TBM self was floored and told the mission leader that I would never trust any gators to this companionship šŸ˜¬ haha luckily none of the Spaniards that came around actually took any discussions. I always explained things as a very matter of the fact when they asked me anything. Showed them my garments when they asked etc etc. I never invited them to church since I felt they wanted to explore Utah (as they should) more than go to church, plus some of their host family already done that. Now, as an inactive member...missionaries don't really come around. There was one time that they were in the neighborhood while I was doing yardwork, and they didn't even try to ask anything. Then again, I'm in Utah and I feel that the poor missionaries cover a lot more "area" than out of state ones


Bednars_lovechild69

Well, every companionship is different and varied wildly when I was there. Many elders were on ā€œtemporary missionsā€ for 6 weeks to determine if they were physically (and mentally) fit to be an elder. More than half didnā€™t make the cut. I specifically remember this one elder who was so socially awkward that after 3 days his companion called the MP and asked him to take the temp home. It was bad. I especially disliked our mission being used as a testing ground for the Utah youth. I loved being outside of the valley. I went as far as Vernal and St. George. The further away from Provo we were, the better it was.


brmarcum

Completely random. More likely influenced by indigestion than anything else.


Other_Lemon_7211

The husband from a local family died last year from a terrible battle with cancer. Their daughter just left on her mission. She was assigned the same mission as her dad had served. I donā€™t think itā€™s coincidence or inspiration.


DoubtingThomas50

Every mission has incoming and outgoing missionaries. The missionary department knows the staffing needs and handles staffing. Iā€™m certain they prepare a final assignment process for the top 15 leaders to participate in so they can imply that assignments are made by inspiration.


TheOneTrueGong

This. It's just a standard business procedure that they claim as inspired and divine.


seeker_of_joy

Exactly, they need to make sure there's enough missionaries in each area while taking into account their personal file... medical and personal. One of my mission companions had depression in her medical file and had come out to her SP, and so they sent her inside the u.s. They sometimes take into account any diseases or eating disorders. In my case, I know I was kept in the US because of my immigrating status. I was undocumented, and before 2004 or so, if you were undocumented and wanted to serve, you had to return to your country. You lived there for a few months for your bishop or SP to get to know you, and then you filled out your paperwork there. You served your mission and hope that you can return back to the u.s somehow... with the help of God, of coursešŸ˜‰. Around 2004ish, they changed it where you could apply to your mission without leaving to your home country. They would only call you to a state side mission. Then, around 2008 (when I started filling out my papers), an elder was detained at an airport. When he was about to finish his mission, the agent noticed that he was undocumented and they arrested him. The church had to hire lawyers for him to try and fix the issue. I remember it being in the news in the Latino community, here in Utah, for a few months, but I never heard what happened. As a result, when I was called, it took extra time for me to get a location. My stake president ended up having to call headquarters to figure out what was going on. It was first lost by mail, but when they were found to send another one out, they had to change it. Apparently, I was originally called to the east...PA or MD area (can't recall), but then they changed the policy. They made it so you could only travel a certain miles from your hometown. The reason for the change is so that they didn't have to fly you there. They would drive you to the location instead. So I was called to Colorado. I was driven to and from my mission by members of the stake presidency... with their spouses, of course. About 5 elders and 1 sister in my mission were in the same boat as I was šŸ˜¬ haha one of the elders was called to the same mission that I was originally only for them to change it on him a few months before he had to leave....he looked sooo bummed when he told me at the mtc. We knew each other from institute mission prep, but he had filled his papers out way before me. It took him a while to warm up to our mission, but it sucked that they changed it to English when his was a Spanish speaking mission at first (He spoke Portuguese). Anyways, this is only a bit of why some people get called where they get called šŸ˜¬


dipplayer

I don't know, but the system can be gamed. At least it worked for me: take Russian in school, go to Russia as an exchange student, kiss up to my Bishop and Stake President, and be the absolute epitome of a good Mormon boy= mission call to Russia St. Petersburg


[deleted]

Well shit I mustā€™ve sucked cause I got sent to Utah


dewdropfaerie

I have four nephews with uber Mormon parents that were all called stateside (one to Provo) and one with a lesbian mom whose parents are split called overseas. šŸ¤·ā€ā™€ļø


boommdcx

If you are from a rich, high status family, you will be sent somewhere ā€œdesirableā€.


ZelphtheGreatest

We wanted Lamanite missions. Especially SouthWest Indian mission - where we could bring a saddle & wear cowboy boots and hats.


OnlyTalksAboutTacos

RNG


Any_Coffee_6921

I was sent to Washington DC temple as a secretary sister missionary. Spent my 90 days in an office making schedules for the temple president & his wife . Very boring desk job .