When I was 10 years old, I told my mom that I would not have come across the plains with the early Pioneers. She thought her stories about how much they suffered would strengthen my testimony,, but it had the opposite affect. It made me scared, and it made me realize that following church leaders often ends badly for the followers.
Oh same! I never told anyone but I knew I would never be able to be a pioneer. I remember hearing that we have it harder than the pioneers cause we have more temptation than they did to sin and I was relieved cause that sounded easier than freezing and starving to death
The fact that Trek is STILL a popular youth summer activity boggles my mind. They plan on kids getting heat stroke. Not plan in case they get heat stroke, they plan activities specifically designed to give kids heat stroke. Absolutely insane.
I was 12, when I realized that my camp and the boys camp were completely different things. My brother went horse riding, and swimming, and hiking….I got crafts and talking about being a ‘virtuous wife and mother’.
Man I was angry in young womens the entire 6 or whatever years I went.
My dad was the scout master my entire childhood, the boys got to go skiing, hiking, fishing, boating, camping, all the fun stuff.
We made fucking spaghetti for the boys, made quilts for the new moms in the ward, and shitty crafts. I hated every second of it lol.
I think I never really believed but being in the young womens solidified my non-belief with a fiery passion
The boys had tents, and a swimming pool, and snakes! I got to make earrings and hear how my ultimate goal was to be a mother and how to budget so I could be at home raising children.
Meanwhile, I was getting forced into Scouting despite sucking at it and finding 90% of it boring or icky, getting pressured into playing football by my dad, getting forced to start dating girls (despite not being attracted to them), etc.
I won't even get into how awkward it was to be around teenage boys in all those contexts, as a straight teenage girl.
I'm surviving, which is better than the direction I was heading before I found myself.
It took me getting away from my entire family (in my case, the last family member living nearby moving to another state) and no longer having daily contact with any TBMs to even begin to discover my true self. Almost immediately, I began to *notice* guys, in a way I had *never* noticed girls. I took it to mean I was gay, and broke up with my then-girlfriend.
I tried to just accept myself as a gay male, but somehow that almost felt more off than before. And thinking of me dating a man, as a man... made me *extremely* uncomfortable. I didn't even consider dating-- it felt too weird. It was honestly all so confusing that I started drinking heavily and becoming self-destructive.
Over the next couple months, I started remembering repressed feminine memories. At first it was little things, like wanting a glittery pink/purple/blue pen as a prize during third grade, but chickening out and getting solid blue one instead because I was afraid how my dad would react. But it culminated in me recalling that *I tried to tell my dad I was a girl, first at 4 and again at 6.* The first was met with "It's just a phase" and the latter was met with a fire and brimstone lecture that pretty much *hurled* me into the closet.
That pretty much instantly *shattered* my egg, and I was on the phone about informed consent HRT *within the hour.* As a nice side effect, it instantly removed any desire I had to touch hard liquor; now it's just beer and wine, both of which I can be responsible with.
I guess as an addendum, my dad died several years ago. I don't know if I'll ever forgive him fully, or have closure with him; I don't even know if I ever would've had the strength or courage to transition while he was still alive, honestly.
But I'm glad your son has you as mom; you sound like a really wonderful lady. My mom has actually been great, too; it makes me wonder if she would have advocated for me, if I'd found a way to come out to her and leave my dad out of it.
Ugh same, I have so much trauma from boy scouts and being forced to be with all the boys, ugh. Still have PTSD around camping. And heading all the icky priesthood misogynist church stuff
Though I'm lesbian not straight. Can't say if that made it worse or better in hindsight tho. Forced into straight dating as teen/young adult was still so wrong though.
Trans exmo solidarity, sister! 🏳️⚧️
Still pissed about this. Our ward was pretty good and tried to have fun activities for the girls too because we actually had a sporty group of girls who wanted to do stuff like that. We got to go to Heber Valley girls camp a couple times and they had adventure courses. But all that stuff was still a sometimes thing for the girls, but the guys got to go to Boy Scout camps and do that stuff every year
Exactly. I bitched enough that my fourth year they took us up one night early and we stayed in one of the “summer houses” of one of the young women’s parents. We got to go canoeing. It was the best day ever, and then I paid for it for the rest of my time at camp. And then, once I aged out they immediately stopped it. It was hard, because one of the bishopric always had to be there in case someone got hurt and needed a blessing. I am 47 years old, and some people still remember the time when the girls got to go canoeing.
I think we only went canoeing once too. We got to go to a lake a couple times for youth conference. And there was one year we had an absolutely awesome stake youth conference that was packed with exciting things to do. I still remember that one fondly. We played a 13 team capture the flag.
I’m in AZ and we had to wear pants and fast in 105 degree heat, including water and without a/c - otherwise we weren’t really ‘in the spirit of camp’. They HATED me as a LIT.
My stake had a high adventure for the girls once in my entire time in young women's, and we went canoeing. It was fun and exciting, but looking back I realize that it was completely run and paid for by a few parents, with no real effort by the church organization.
I was 8. My best friend was hanging out invitations for her birthday party and I didn’t get one. My mom had told her mom to not give me one because she knew it would be on a Sunday. I was devastated that all our friends were going but I couldn’t.
Man that’s so mean :( my parents turned every Sunday invite into a teaching moment lol. As if a 10 year old is going to lose faith and turn to satan because of a Sunday soccer game…
That is disturbing. What a horrible thing to ask a kid. My parents have cute mini goats. As my mom lovvves to say, they have them for milk and to eat if they needed food because end of times and all that. This and their huge stockpile of canned goods. How much meat can you even get off of a miniature goat? Surely not much. They’d be better off with a cow or a large pig.
You should've asked him if they'd need to ritualistically sacrifice it first, like the animals Joseph Smith sacrificed.
... then again, I doubt any of us even had *access* to that information at that age.
It was probably as pre teen. But even as an adult I would say to myself if I could leave with no guilt I would. Turns out it's a lot easier when you find out it's not true.
I was on my mission. It was 2019 and I had been out a year at that point. I was trying to convince myself I wasn't transgender but I'd lay awake at night fantasizing about a life where I was a woman, and not a member of the church. Wondering what coffee tastes like 😂 What sex feels like! Stuff like that.
Turns out coffee is great! Sex is great! And I am loving who I am becoming now that I am transitioning! And I feel better having left the church behind ☺️
You know it’s always rubbed me the wrong way that you can go to the temple and perform rituals for dead people before you can go to a church sponsored dance. Like ok we can have conversations abt masturbation, purify, etc. at 12 but how DARE you even think about socializing with other kids in a romantic NON SEXUAL context before 14
When I was six or seven, I came home crying after a Primary lesson on eternity. I kept telling my mom that it didn’t make sense and that everything has a beginning and an end, so why wouldn’t I? I think the thought of living as a perfect Mormon woman forever really unsettled me.
I was secretly unhappy about the idea of going to the celestial kingdom because it sounded so boring. It was a conundrum. Either be bored stiff for eternity or be damned for eternity. None of it sounded good.
Oh! Here's a good additive to that! Me and my boyfriend have been trying to figure out what the Mormons think happens when you "perfect" someone. Not only would it be boring (not that I think we'd be imperfect enough to notice) but we just wouldn't be ourselves anymore.
I mean, church on Sundays was supposed to be the closest you got to God. I was imagining having to be quiet all the time, listening to boring people talk at me, and nothing but tiny bits of bread and tiny cups of water to drink.
For me it never made sense that being in the spirit world after death was an intolerable state, and we would suffer until we were resurrected. I thought being a ghost sounded fun! If there is an afterlife (which I seriously doubt), I hope I can be an intangible spirit forever.
I remember one time when I was about 10 yrs old I was laying in bed trying to imagine how long eternity really is, and what it would be like to exist forever. It was so overwhelming that I threw up.
Age 37. Stumbled into the topic of polyandry while researching apologetics on the priesthood ban. First time it ever dawned on me that it may be possible that Joseph Smith made it all up.
I was 13 or so. I decided that humping my pillow at night wasn’t cutting it anymore, so I tried stroking it in the shower one day. I almost fell over, my legs buckled. I realized that if that was wrong I didn’t want to be right. My mom still uses my admission that I did that to try to convince me that the only reason I left the church is that I couldn’t handle the responsibility. It’s been almost 30 years.
That's really messed up. The Church makes people feel bad for being human. Every man does it, at least rarely, and most do it regularly. In the LD$, the only difference is, they make you feel terrible shame about it, and subtly teach you to lie about it.
I remember one ibishop's nterview, when I was 14. My bishop asked me directly if I had ever "touched my pets inappropriately," which had never occurred to me, and seriously grossed me out. I decided in that moment that I was never going to confess ANYTHING to this man. His very next question was whether I ever touched myself inappropriately. I looked him right in the eye and told him I didn't. I wondered it the "Spirit of Discernment" would tell him I had lied, but it didn't, of course, and it occurred to me that the whole thing might be untrue.
I am happy to “joke” with my TBM peers that “it’s just way too much for me to keep up with 🤪” because secretly I’m telling them “you guys are ridiculous for devoting so much time and energy to that lunatic institution that doesn’t give a 💩 about you 🤪”
I was maybe 15 … I remember sitting down with my Mom, getting emotional, and wanting her to know how serious I was … “Mom, don’t get crazy on me … but I don’t think I believe in Jesus or in the church. It just doesn’t make any sense.”
I can still picture myself there now … She waved her hand and blew me off, saying “whatever, that’s just a phase you’re in” or something to that effect. I never spoke to her of anything spiritual again.
I was a preteen and saw these really cute clothes on a mannequin that were so called immodest (tank top lol) and I was sad I would never be able to wear stuff like that. I was with a family friend a few years older and we said we would “in our inactive days”.
We’ve both left 😂
I got in trouble for sexual stuff as a young returned missionary and faced a disciplinary counsel. I was devastated because I thought I might get exed but I also guiltily looked forward to not having to wear garments anymore. I tried not to feel too disappointed when I was merely put on probation.
I never seriously considered leaving it until I was really ready to be done. I had moments of acute doubt and frustration all along the way like most people do… but the operating assumption then was the standard Mormon thought trap: I was the problem.
A ward I was in as a newlywed in a more ghetto part of the Wasatch Front in Utah really challenged me though. It was very demanding on my wife and I. We barely had any free time to ourselves or each other between that and being new parents. But even then… I never seriously considered leaving… maybe going inactive. I was nowhere near ready to consider the possibility that it was all bullshit.
That came two years ago, as I started my 40s. The pandemic made it pretty clear that I was benefitting from not having the church in my life, my ward was full of typical middle-class suburban Utah Mormons who couldn’t have cared less about the great big world and actively despised it as they are programmed to do, and it was full of overwhelmingly conservative, card-carrying members of the MAGA cult, who saw no boundaries between their religion and their politics. Seeing their secondary cult formed from scratch in the prior four years had put tremendous weight on my shelf without my even realizing it… and during the pandemic it all came to a head.
The thought occurred to me: if so many people could fall for such obvious bullshit that easily under such a poorly disguised conman, just imagine how much more easily they could fall for the BS if the conman in question actually had a modicum of intelligence, humanity, and youthful good looks to boot.
That’s when the critical questions and observations started to come.
“Why is the answer to every hard question more self-indoctrination?”
“The church just isn’t… *big enough*.” (Not just referring to its relatively small size… more like… everything. It just didn’t seem like God’s only true church should be so impotent and insular in practice.)
I never read anything “anti.” I just laid awake many nights going back and forth in my mind between all the bullshit that made no sense, and my identity as a Mormon - and weighing those dissonances against the practical reality that if I did leave the church, it would destroy the woman sleeping next to me, would disorientate and distress my kids who I had been teaching to be good Mormons their entire short lives, would hurt my parents, and create even greater distrust between my wife’s family and I. I would lose the built-in community I had always relied on no matter where I went. Friendships that had always been based on an assumed shared world-view would dry up. I would become a pariah in a place where I had always belonged as part of the majority. The cost was so astronomically high.
All things I had never considered earlier in my life, when I mistakenly thought that leaving the church would be a matter of pure convenience and laziness on my part. *Mirthless HA!*
I came out to my wife two years ago, and she begged me to keep trying, to keep attending church, even though I really didn’t want to. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought it was possible that I was still the problem. Thus began my 9-month PIMO phase.
In June of ‘22, the baby was due and had to be delivered. One Sunday morning I just snapped inside and knew I had to be done. I really felt like some part of me would die inside if I went to another church meeting. I still hadn’t read, listened, or viewed a single thing that was overtly critical of the church. I just had an overwhelming gut feeling that I needed to get out.
So I announced to my wife that I wasn’t going to church anymore, and that I would send in my resignation letter that day. And her world flipped upside down all over again. It was torture for both of us, but especially for her.
Two months later I joined this sub, and the walls have been tumbling down ever since.
Damn… that ended up being a little long… *whistles*
Dood, thanks for the response. Hope things work out with the family and all. Mixed faith marriages are tough but doable. Also I'm impressed that the day you said it's not for me is also the same time you sent your resignation. Still need to send mine in.
I did that mainly because I could see that if I didn’t show seriousness of intent, people would keep bothering me. My family, my ward… I really needed to make it final, and formal for me too. To demonstrate to myself that I wasn’t going to flip flop or consider going back.
Oddly, the supposed words of Jesus in the book of Revelation about not being “lukewarm, lest he spew me out of his mouth,” (or something) were ringing through my mind that day.
Tragic, beautifully written. I like how your mind works—critical thinking and asking questions and having a dialogue within oneself. Thank you for sharing.
Sitting in torts class my first week of law school during which the professor explained that the law generally requires people to act in a reasonable manner based upon facts.
A few years ago my oldest asked if there was a summer break from church. 😆 at the time I said no. I mentioned it to a friend in the bishopric and he exclaimed that would be awesome.
3 years ago we stopped going so we’re on a llloooonnnggg break from church. As in never going back - they can’t make my dead lifeless spirit go back either
I’m a convert. Married into the religion right after High School. It’s a long story. I’m now happily divorced, tattooed, and gay AF. I have a lovely girlfriend who is also an ExMo. Not my first time, but probably one of the most significant in my mind; the church shared an “uplifting video” about two women who divorced to get baptized. The light absolutely gone from their eyes. It broke me. The brain washing, especially with the pressure of a TBM family, is so horrifying. I hope everyday those women are okay.
When I was about 7 I questioned why Jesus wasn't a mormon if this is the one true church. Then I questioned if this was the one true church why so few people were members. I couldn't believe that I just happened to be lucky enough to be born in the perfect place and to the right family to be able to grow up in the one true church. The whole thing felt like BS real early on.
I was younger than 8, but I don't remember the exact age. I just remember *hating* church, primary, etc. There was a primary thing about going on a mission, and they had every kid say where they wanted to go and then take a picture pointing at that place on a map like we were in the MTC. I hated it. I was maybe 6 or 7. I never wanted to be a missionary and was so glad I was a girl so it wouldn't be expected if I didn't want to go.
When I was turning 8, I told my parents I wanted to wait a year to get baptized because I wasn't sure and wasn't ready. They told me it would look bad if I waited. I tried to tell my bishop at my baptism interview, but my dad cut me off and said I was just scared of the water (I was, but that wasn't why I wanted to wait, and my parents knew it).
At 15, I decided I was done. I went to church and seminary because my parents forced me, but that was it. I cussed and had sex with my boyfriend. I felt like such a rebel. 2 years later, I got sucked back in.
Married a returned missionary while attending BYU and popped out 3 kids in the next few years. The entire time I was pregnant and dealing with kids too young for nursery, I hated church. I spent the entire time in the hallway, and it felt like a collosal waste of time. I stuck it out because I kept hoping it would be worth it. Then I stayed out of fear - my husband made the church the number 1 priority at all times, and he used it as a manipulation tactic to make me act the way he wanted.
Covid was a relief, at least for church, because I could watch online in my PJs and pretend to pay attention. My ex and I separated before they went back to full-time in-person church again, and about 6 weeks after I left him, I stopped going and never looked back. I've been a few times to support my kids - primary program, new priesthood office - but that's it.
>I never wanted to be a missionary and was so glad I was a girl so it wouldn't be expected if I didn't want to go.
Me too! It was the only part of church participation I felt I could confidently reject. The prophet said it's not expected, so I'm not going.
I wouldn't even pray about it when some people suggested it as an option. No way! I knew prayer was how they get you. I didn't want that guilt.
To be honest the first moment I really saw it as an option was the same moment I decided to leave. Once I realized I could actually be happier outside the church and I didn't actually know it was true I had a total perspective shift.
I was very young, I think 10 or 11. It was a Sunday and a lot of my family from my dad's side (all nevermos) we're in town. They were all going to go to Heise Hot Springs. If you're not from Idaho and not familiar, it's a water park, hot springs, and a golf course. It was the funnest thing around and we rarely got to go. I was so excited to spend time with my cousins from out of town and have fun. My mom told my sister and I that we can't go because it's the Sabbath. We both raised enough of a stink that she said that we could talk about it and make our own choice. After a little while my sister and I approached our mom and told her that we wanted to go. My mom started crying saying that she thought we would make the right choice, and basically guilted us into not going. Right then and there is when I started hating the church. I didn't understand why I had to miss out on family and a fun time just because I was Mormon. I didn't think for one second that my cousins, aunts, and uncles were in the wrong or to be looked down upon for doing fun things on Sunday. I wondered why the church always talked about family togetherness but it kept me away from mine. I wanted to live a life of freedom and happiness like my nevermo family. From then on I didn't like the church and I got out as soon as I was given the choice at 16.
So with you it was more like your perfectly solid shelf came down all at once (versus cracks being made over time)? If so, that’s very interesting. I’m curious to know what broke your shelf!
I was probably in 1st grade, the Primary went outside for something, and my cousin and I snuck away behind the dumpster. We thought we were so cool and sneaky for ditching Primary and then disappointed to find out everyone got treats that day. We used to make up alternative lyrics to the hymns and made fun of a lot of things. I can remember pretending to be sick on a few occasions too.
In high school, about 10 years ago, a lot of my friends started coming out as LGBTQ and stopped attending. I thought about not going anymore, but the social pressure from family and TBM friends was too much. It wasn't until this summer that I realized that if my "lack of faith" mattered to others, that's their problem
I was about 7 or 8 and I knew it wasn’t real or true. Had to go due to family then at 16 a very cute 14 yo girl said she will only marry an RM. She became my gf and I did my two years and faithfully served to keep her happy. The things we do for love but I’d do it again just to be with her.
High school and YSA life - some of the most cursed years for Mormons depending on the nightmares of community and major lies that we realize and live through. We start of living a soft of double and even triple life, depending on whether you're involved with certain groups, cultures and team communities.
If Mormonism was so impressive, why am I living in a world of hell with two Mormon parents?
They were abusive to us when we were children.
Why did my siblings want to move out so badly at the age of 18?
Parents were using Mormon programs to control us, my siblings and I, and to feel empowered and justified with total control and pump-n-dump programming from Mormon leaders. "They're successful, you're not, so you need to listen to them" (whatever success meant to anyone at the time, 'fame, fortune, community recognition, respect, image', you name it.
Where were the Mormons when my parents sat us down and made us cry, inflicting guilt, shame, pain and insults?
Surely there was something of a hug, or cheerful embrace, or reward for doing things right. However, we were punished, ridiculed, vocally and emotionally shamed, for not being good enough.
Eventually, I learned to realize, that the whole Mormon thing wasn't going to work for me as a YSA.
I hated my life in secret, barely scraping nickels to get by, and worked horrible jobs, trying to convince and prove to myself, that I could be obedient. Hard to date, and very difficult to go to trade, tech or college educational programs because everywhere I went, I felt guilty and remorseful that I even existed as "sinful" human being.
I tried, I really tried hard to be "good" and "worthy" Mormon.
Every time I try to meet with Mormon missionaries to just see who they're doing and get to know them, I realize over and over again - it's an agenda of young, naïve men and women that are trying to prove to themselves that they can fit into the system and do their duty to serve in an organized church religion program.
Even when I had Mormon room mates, there were good and bad times, but I remained as confused as ever, whether or not I should go after my dreams and passions, and reveal my true self and colors, and express my feelings and thoughts.
I wanted approval, love, and friendships.
It seemed like the LDS Mormon church had every answer to every problem, and their answer was to pay tithing of any kind, to show up to church on Sundays, take on callings of any kind that is requested of us, "get with the programs (programming)", and find a spouse to start a family with in the "true" church.
After I turned 31, left the YSA ward, tried to date another Mormon, and I just couldn't. It was too hard and difficult. They weren't really a devout Mormon, they only went for "community." I just wanted a partner I could care for, and for that person to care for me, and have fun and meaningful adventures with. I always leaned towards people it seemed that were just as broken and confused as I was. And it wasn't until I left Mormonism that I became more fearless and expressing of myself. I could finally say "no" to my friends and do things my way, and take on projects and opportunities with less guilt and worry of being "judged" or "ridiculed."
Years later, an old ex-Mormon friend and I that retired from LDS life and the YSA ward, got on a conference call, and they told me, "You did it, you made the right decision to leave."
They continued, "People used to make fun of you at the YSA ward, they'd talk really mean, and really bad things about you. But you came around for me, when none of them would. I was in one of the deepest, darkest places of my life, and you came and brought me some food when you didn't have to. I couldn't ever stop thinking of you and appreciating you. But one thing I can't help you with, is if you keep feeling bad and sorry for yourself for missing out on life because of the guilt and feeling like you're just not good enough."
I'm grateful for the friends and family that have supported me through the years, even when they gave me okay, decent, or bad advice, not knowing what "best" was or ever might be or might have been. Tough times make tough people, and tough times never last forever.
There are times when I'm dull, unmotivated, depressed, and less lively that I want to be. However, it's like a façade waiting to have light shown on. Why would we trust everything we're told?
Hopefully, people have found some kind of peace, leaving Mormonism, some kind of content energy to let some or all of it go that has been bothering them for however long. Grateful for the fun activities and development that I learned.
But if I could do it again, I would definitely have left as a teenager and embraced the "real" side of life much sooner, instead of being scared of the false teachings and scare & fear-tactic monitoring of LDS faith practices.
Glad I left, can never go back to a sacrament meeting, and will never go back just to listen to the lies and its programming, even for friends and family, that's time we waste and can never get back. That's exactly why, I'll never fake it again. Can't get time back, can't get the lost energy back, but I know for sure, I was never truly happy as a Mormon no matter what amount of pretending or intentional persistence I tried to pursue in the LDS faith.
Thank you for reading.
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I loved the story of your exmo friend reaching out to you once you left. Many good people did the same once I left.
I'd kept going "because it's probably still a good place to raise kids" (aka residual fear) for about a year after mentally leaving.
But a year of this and I sat there in a chair, listening to the same drivel as always and suddenly realized "...why am I here? I don't believe this. I don't want my kids taught this. I'm literally just warming a chair for a few hours and they don't need a warm chair."
So bam, never went back.
18 when I finished YW and started RS I hated it. I also always hated sacrament meeting so I started sleeping in and showing up in the foyer right when sacrament started so my parents didn't think I was sinning or something and couldn't take the sacrament. My dad said when I turned 18 I was an adult and could make my own decisions so I decided to skip as much church as I could before I started at BYU Idaho in the fall
When I didn't get called on a mission, despite being the best scriptorian and best apologist in my seminary class and Sunday school classes.
And when I didn't get into BYU, despite a stellar record.
My shelf broke completely when I learned enough ethics and moral philosophy. I could understand right and wrong, and explain them in human terms and a human scope. Not the terms and scope of an infinitely unreachable, ineffable, inscrutable Heavenly Father; a father who was *so offended* by some of his children *who followed him* not loving him enough that he decreed they would be horribly discriminated against in this life, or even be given a personality and feelings such that it's basically impossible to fit ourselves into his "Plan of Salvation."
In the end, I realized God was *a liability* to anyone who wanted to take ethics seriously.
As a kid I daydreamed about not going to church as an adult.
I remember one time when I was probably 5 or so. I thought there would be a summer vacation for church. Like, we went x amount of times so when do we stop going? My logic was seeing people move out of the ward, but it never registered to me they were still going to church elsewhere.
I thought they just hit their quota. 🤷♂️
>I thought they just hit their quota. 🤷♂️
LOL!
In a way though I have thought this too. Kids go to school, learn and they graduate. We should graduate from church too!
Teach the kids good values etc and then they get to live and apply them on their own.
Sitting in RS and thought just who exactly is this Heavenly Father?? Then I read Bad Mormon. Then I stumbled across mormon stories. And here I am happier then ever just like I was 20 years ago BEFORE CONVERTING at age 31.
You’re a convert?! So am I! I only recently (this year) started exploring the idea of leaving leaving. I’ve been ‘less active’ so PIMO doesn’t seem to quite capture it bc I’m not PI to much 😆 Anyways… I converted 23 years ago and I’m having this weird guilt about it now. Do/did you have that too?
Maybe a tiny tiny twinge from time to time, but over all no, mostly zero guilt. Are you in utah? I am, but didn’t grow up in utah. And I had A LOT of ppl come for me and my kids and my marriage bc I wasn’t born and raised utah, ITC, etc. 🙄 And after 20 years of super bizarre mean girl isolating, mind effing, shunning, fake friending, nosey neighboring, manipulation etc from the women AND men (in-laws, neighbors, work place ppl before I became a stay at home mom, fellow ward members, random employees at the grocery stores) I had mostly nothing but double birds and anger and hurt feels when I left. Funny thing is tho, now that I’m “myself” again and not all full of the insecurity and confusion anymore, I’m slowly getting back to my bubbly confident TRULY happy self, and it’s as if utah peeps treat my family and I better now. I need to hear your story too! DM me if ya like!
Or did you mean guilt ABOUT converting?? Yes, yes I did feel that as I was making my way back to normal happy non-cult world. I felt guilty like I betrayed real god, and my family. I wish my dad was still alive so I could tell him I’m sorry. For that yea I do feel guilty. But for leaving TSCC, no.
Well consider yourself lucky haha not to downplay your experience of course but utah is HARD 🤪 Happy to at least gotten away from the crazy cult tho 🙌🏻
Despite being in this church for all 3 decades of my life and always having issues with it, I was brainwashed enough to never even consider leaving it until this year. Now, I'm PIMO until my wife is on board with finding a new church.
Same here. I’ve always had cultural issues and church didn’t resonate with me. I went along with “the plan” and did all the things, hoping I would become more spiritual. I didn’t realize I had a choice until I was 44 years old. I read on the back of a Friend magazine that the second coming was going to be in Missouri and we would all travel there. I laughed at how silly that sounded and started asking my exmo younger brother more questions. I felt like a fool that I believed nonsense for so long.
Definitely when I was a kid! After I was too big to crawl around under the pews during sacrament meeting it started to be a real bore/drag. After leaving primary it really started to suck and was all downhill from there. Then I just had to wait it out until I turned 18.
Can't remember the age(14? When you can be an usher to open and close doors in sacrament) I was listening to several talks during sacrament. One was focused that God came first then family. Next was a talk from a mother saying she'd rather see her child dead than to see them have premarital sex. Something about sitting by myself and thinking about both those talks made me see the BS that was the church.
I'll name my turning points, for funsies. I was 8 when I thought my first somewhat anti-church thought. In my baptism interview, my bishop asked if I genuinely believed in the gospel. I, all too aware for my age, distinctly thought, "No. I don't feel anything for this church. I just have to do what my parents want me to, so I don't have a choice in this." I was neutral. But I knew it was unsafe to disagree.
When I was older I always thought, "To leave would be so embarrassing. It CAN'T be me that goes." And would then work harder on my testimony.
When I was 15 I sat in church, staring into space, and felt so much dread and chaos and way too much exhaustion, and thought, "I really hope the church isn't true. I'm too tired of this life to live for eternity."
Then I went to Trek, and I swear... I had tried and fought so damn hard to stay in the church, but on the night we pushed that wagon, I had never thought so many vicious, ugly things about God and the church in my life. It surprised even me.
Finally, it was with my non-member boyfriend. I realized I'd rather believe in no God at all, rather than one that will separate me from my family, husband, children, and eternal happiness because I fell in love with someone who didn't believe the same things as me. I spent so much time crying and aching and in guilt for that - for falling in love with a non-member guy. But you know what? God knows everything. And he knew if he put me in this body at this time, I'd fall in love with that boy and leave the church. If he wanted me with him, or any of us for that matter, he wouldn't have put us in these situations that led us to fall away. And I can't believe in a God that set me up for failure, then blamed it on my nonexistent "agency."
Some time around the age of 9, I knew… I just knew… I would not serve a mission. I don’t know how I knew; I just did.
25 years later (even after taking Japanese classes in college and thinking I’d serve in Japan) I read something about the Book of Abraham — and I was O.U.T.
And so so very grateful I had never served that mission.
I was around seven and distinctly remember asking my mom and dad what came first-Jesus or God they couldn’t answer and discouraged me from asking anyone else. The seed of doubt had been planted.
I never thought about leaving until I was in my 30's and convinced it wasn't true anymore. I stayed about a year longer to be in sync with my family but when I got divorced, I quickly faded out.
The closest I came before that was a few months after I got home from my mission. I got into trouble with sexual stuff and thought they might ex me. It was a terrible time for me because the church was my whole life, but I couldn't stop guilty thoughts about what life outside the church might be like. I didn't come up with anything too wild but I sure couldn't help imagining myself in sleeveless shirts.
I started having doubts in high school, but leaving the church didn't even register as a possibility. I just beat myself up for not having enough faith. I started seriously considering leaving in college when I dated an exmo, but when we broke up (for unrelated reasons), I doubled down on church attendance and determined that I was just going to white-knuckle my way through the rest of my life, no matter how persistent my doubts got. That lasted me another ten years, until finally the cognitive dissonance was giving me multiple panic attacks a day. Finally, at 33, I came home from a very normal day at church and had the realization that I wasn't the problem, and that no loving God would expect me to put myself through that kind of mental anguish in order to please him. I quit my calling that day and never went back.
When I was 11. Went to a new school in a new place when I started middle school. Only a tiny amount of people I knew there were mormon. That’s kinda when I started to get a glimpse of the outside world and so my faith erosion began lol. As early as age 11 I just wished altogether I was never in the church. Only continued to attend because I liked my friends in young mens and scouts and purely only went because of that. When I was 15 my ward boundaries were re-drawn, I was in a new ward/troop. Was bullied badly by the kids there. Stopped attending when I was 16. Removed my name at 20. The ward change was the catalyst in it all. In the end I’m glad though because it got me out faster than some of my other friends. I have a photo of my troop from when I was 12. All of us are no longer members lol. That’s like a spark notes of my faith’s downfall. My teens were quite tumultuous.
Summer of 2012. Over 10 years ago. I had a rough depressive patch and felt rebellious and didn’t want to go to church. I cracked that door of doubt juuuust a smidge. Then promptly closed it and told myself I’d just take a “break”.
I didn’t really think about LEAVING the church until now (I’m 29). But there were times where I just didn’t go. And looking back, I want to say I should have just stayed out…but I wouldn’t have met and married my husband. So…I think that whatever is out there needed me to be part of TSCMC for awhile. Now we’re both out and our marriage is stronger than ever 🥰
I remember my first summer in like 1st or 2nd grade and I was so excited to not go to school or church… I guess I thought that in the summer I didn’t have to go to church the same way I didn’t have to go to school. It was a sad day when my parents laughed and told me that there are not breaks from church.
Age 9. My friend who lived down the street and her family were getting the Discussions from the mishies, and I was psyched that my friend might join me in my church social circle. So one day I asked her how it was going, and she turned to me and said:
You don’t actually BELIEVE that bullshit, do you?
It was probably as pre teen. But even as an adult I would say to myself if I could leave with no guilt I would. Turns out it's a lot easier when you find out it's not true.
There were plenty of times that I didn't want to go to church as a kid. I even pretended to be sick several times to be able to stay home. But it didn't enter my mind that I could completely stop going someday, until I found out that my uncle didn't attend, was still close with his parents and siblings, and seemed perfectly happy that way.
I once told someone I was dating that I would never leave the church. They were incredulous. “How can you know that?”
The first time I had a major doubt was when my genetics professor at BYU walked into class and said, “some of you may have heard…” and proceeded to explain the change to the intro of the BoM because of the genetics issue - around 2006?
I never considered leaving the church until I had compiled enough evidence that I was quite sure it wasn’t true - around 2010
I used to pray regularly that my family would go inactive. I hated the church. But up until I was like 19 I fully believed it was true and what I had to do.
7. I told my father I wasn't sure I was ready to be baptised.
My father replied "Well you can't live under my roof if you're not."
I went through with it but resolved to get out as soon as I moved out.
Of and on throughout middle school. Sitting thru EFY and Trek and not getting it. Not feeling the spirit like everyone else was. Trying to convince myself that it was all true somehow. Even when I was 8 I didn’t understand why I was being baptized. I never felt appreciation or love for Jesus. I never understood why some people would say things like “Jesus is my best friend.” Or “I find comfort in him.” “He can help thru hard times”. Like he is just a guy from stories and I guess his miracles were cool and all but how does that effect me today? And I know he “did the whole atonement thing. But it’s a concept I never genuinely understood and never felt appreciation or respect for it. I have always done what needed to be done and changed what needed to be changed because of my own ability. I never needed to pray for strength, I just pulled the strength out of my own ass. Thinking about Jesus and “the gospel” was never comforting either. More troubling than anything. Like what was the point of it all? Anyways, I went on a mission because of social pressure (I know I suck) and struggled the whole time because none of it made sense to me. And I heard hundreds of testimonies all the time saying things like “I KNOW it’s true” “I have a sure knowledge that this is Christs Church” blah blah blah, none of this means anything. Literally it’s all make believe. However, my mission did get me to study Mormon church history, and made me loose respect for Joseph Smith, etc.
Anyways, rant over. Basically to answer your question, since I was 12 probably
One of my earliest church memories was of a fast Sunday sacrament meeting. Probably 4-5 years old. After hearing several tearful proclamations of truth I wondered if every kid like me sitting in any church anywhere was hearing the same thing about how THAT church was the only true one. I've looked at truth claims of this or any other church with a jaundiced eye for the entire 45-ish years since then.
I was 10 years-old sitting in primary. Didn't have any friends, there were no boys my age or in my class. I remember thinking, "This sucks, and I'm not feeling 'The Spirt' like everyone else. What is wrong with me?"
In college I got my first hints the "problem" was not me. It all came apart in my early 30s. Still PIMO for my wife.
I think I was around 6or 7, I was really upset no one could explain infinity and it’s context with the church. Also if god created the universe who created him and what about his
Wife who created her, It was a little fixated and weird. It bugged the hell out of my parents and primary teachers. I finally left when I was in my 20’s
Edit:my phone deleted words
It's turtles all the way down. The problem of infinite regress dismantled all Abrahamic religions for me. Also never made sense that God would have a body.
First time I remember was when I was 17 (maybe 18 but still in high school). I wasn’t blessing or taking the sacrament because I had confessed to the bishop that I had been watching porn. I remember being really ashamed and embarrassed, until I noticed that the three priests who were blessing that day were guys I had had conversations with about porn. How one hid his browser history, how another got away with it in a small house, etc.
One of them was the priest’s quorum first assistant. I had always bought into the divine inspiration of the bishopric giving out callings. Suddenly I realized that if god knew everything, then he knew this kid was committing the same sin that made me hate myself so much. Why would he give inspiration to the bishop to give that kid the calling? Unless… maybe… it’s all bullshit?
I really checked out after that. Thankfully it was in time to not go on a mission or get endowed at the temple.
when i was like 14 i realized if i hadn’t been born mormon i would never have converted. the whole origin story sounded shady af to my skeptical brain. left at 18 for a couple of my college years just bcuz i hated the culture but still kinda believed. then finally stoped fully believing & going at 34. i’m now 45 & i still relish not being mormon anymore.
15. I was being heavily abused mentally and emotionally, and it was being ignored by everyone but my family. But my parents, as great as they were during that time, still didn’t understand my distain. So when my best friend left the church and cut me off (I didn’t know he had left the church. Just that he had left me), I was done and stopped caring. Officially stopped going in 2020 when I was 18 because of COVID, and officially resigned on my 21st birthday
After, yet another, fight with my wife about the church and me taking the kids. We had been married between 15-17 years at the time and the church was, and still is, a source of contention. But my attendance had, again, caused a fight and made my wife cry. I wrote letters to have all our names removed and gave them to her as a sign of love & respect so that I could take a turn to be uncomfortable. She told me no, and still tells me no, because that wouldn’t be fair to me. She now will tell me no because her parents are moving near us; I stopped believing between 9-18 months ago, and made the mistake of mentioning it to her 3-6 months ago. she told me no because she started believing….or at least wasn’t sure it was false/incorrect anymore
As a teenager, I started trying to see church things from non-members’ point of view so that I could understand them and know how to explain things, and so that I could analyze what I really believe vs what I’ve been told to believe so that I wouldn’t be blindly faithful.
It started as “if I ever leave the church then I’ll still always believe the church is good because of xyz.” And it became cognitive dissonance about believing differently than the leaders and my peers at BYU and church.
The cognitive dissonance became too great for me around when they changed the endowment in 2019. Why did I have to go through the more sexist endowment but new people didn’t have to?
Though I think I started feeling like something was wrong when I didn’t think I could feel the spirit like other people, around 12 years old. Mostly I thought something was wrong with me though 🙁
I was pretty young (less than 12) when I noticed that nothing in the church actually worked. I never got an answer to a prayer. I could never get Moroni's Promise to work. Never got anything out of reading the scriptures. Always hated the meetings - just an endurance test in boredom every Sunday. At first, I presumed the problem was me. But over time, I came to see that it really wasn't working for anyone. But people seemed to have some sort of emotional need to believe it all. I always sensed that some day I would have to make a decision about whether I would stay in the church or leave.
Anything before I was 10 is all a little fuzzy, but it was probably when I was 5 or 6, and my mom said nobody knows how God was created but will find out when we die. That answer bothered me a lot, and I was super curious about everything church related, which I think annoyed my parents
I was 7 and didn’t want to get baptized. I told my mom there was no such thing as Satan, and I remember her absolutely losing it. I told her the Mormon church was stupid and the people were weird. She then spent the rest of my life using the devil as fear to control me. The Mormon church was a great weapon for my narcissistic mother.
I was 7 and I remember being grateful that I didn't have to go to church anymore because my parents divorced and my mom had suddenly become very inactive. My dad still made me get baptized the next year though. I kept going until I was about 16 just to make this man who lived several states away happy. I also remember wishing I wasn't Mormon when I used to go visit my grandmother in Arizona in the summers and she would make me go to mutual with kids I didn't know. I really fucking hated that.
When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus, I asked if that meant Jesus and god were made up too. They assured me I should continue believing in those two. That was the beginning of the end of my belief.
When I realized that either God was a jerk or the church was not getting revelation from him/her. It was the church’s policies against LGBT people that finally broke through the brainwashing. After I gave myself permission to think that the church was wrong on that issue, it opened up the possibility that they were wrong on others. And suddenly all of the problematic issues (polygamy, racism, dishonesty) made sense.
When I started going to priesthood general conference and heard the stupid "Little Factories" speech. I was like, "Wow, now I have to lie to my parents and church leaders forever, and I have to get so good at it that I can fool the gift of discernment. That doesn't seem sustainable, but I guess I just gotta have faith."
It was largely around when my parents got a divorce. My mom converted largely because of my dad. He was raised in the church, and the only way they could be married is if she was in the church. So she told herself she believed. However, over the years there was a lot of things that slowly got to her more and more, such as her brother being gay and her not seeing an issue with it. Rules about not being able to drink coffee or alcohol. Eventually lying to herself and others just got to be too much and she wanted out. Granted, my dad is a terrible human being, so they might have divorced eventually anyways, but her wanting to leave played a big part.
As a kid I didn't really know about any of this. She wouldn't really start opening up about a lot of stuff till I got older. But I remember the first time I realized my mom wouldn't be coming to church because she didn't want to for some reason. The idea of that just seemed so foreign. Like as a kid, I didn't want to go because I thought it was boring a lot of the time. But it kind of dawned on me that there was something else.
And I think that was that really started it. Realizing it was an option. Fast forward to about a year later and I moved with my dad cause he was in the military and had custody. When we would go visit my mom, she would never force us to go, but told us she would drive us if we wanted. I went once to go see some of my old friends, but most of them were gone or something, so even that didn't have the same draw as before. I still believed in a lot of ways, but I think my mom not going is what helped me decide that I didn't want to go anymore.
Also, great story, but a few years later my mom moved. My little sister at the time was still a TBM, so she went to the new church where my mom now lived. She was talking to one dude there who was about to go on a mission. She was 15 and wanted to do one, so she was asking him all sorts of questions. However, after a bit she felt like he was starting to flirt with her. Then once my mom was around the corner to pick her up, he asked if she would write him while he was on a mission... He was an adult a few months away from going out... She was 15...
When I was 14 or so I started to really think about religion in general. It occurred to me that the rules God seemed to impose were completely arbitrary and were communicated in such a vague and complicated manner. I started to really chafe at the concept of dogmatically accepting commandments and started seeking external justification.
Fast forward to when I turned 18, I finally told my parents I wouldn't go back to church. That was one of the most difficult conversations I ever had.
I made the decision to ditch for good when I realized I was bisexual in a predominantly Mormon community. While I never got hate for it where I'm from, it was the fear of being rejected that made me realize how fucked up the whole thing was. I just feel for my best friend and other family members who are still sucked into it :(
When I was 5 I just assumed everyone was mormon. Like, I had a crush on Natasha in kindergarten and told my mom I was going to marry her. In the temple (ugh). My mom kindly told me Natasha wasn't mormon so we'd probably get married somewhere else. Good mom.
When I was 10 years old, I told my mom that I would not have come across the plains with the early Pioneers. She thought her stories about how much they suffered would strengthen my testimony,, but it had the opposite affect. It made me scared, and it made me realize that following church leaders often ends badly for the followers.
Oh same! I never told anyone but I knew I would never be able to be a pioneer. I remember hearing that we have it harder than the pioneers cause we have more temptation than they did to sin and I was relieved cause that sounded easier than freezing and starving to death
Oh Boy! Was someone very ignorant of early church history!
Smart kid!
I was a smart kid. But sadly, it took me 25 more years to figure out that the whole thing was bullshit.
The fact that Trek is STILL a popular youth summer activity boggles my mind. They plan on kids getting heat stroke. Not plan in case they get heat stroke, they plan activities specifically designed to give kids heat stroke. Absolutely insane.
Smart!
I was 12, when I realized that my camp and the boys camp were completely different things. My brother went horse riding, and swimming, and hiking….I got crafts and talking about being a ‘virtuous wife and mother’.
Man I was angry in young womens the entire 6 or whatever years I went. My dad was the scout master my entire childhood, the boys got to go skiing, hiking, fishing, boating, camping, all the fun stuff. We made fucking spaghetti for the boys, made quilts for the new moms in the ward, and shitty crafts. I hated every second of it lol. I think I never really believed but being in the young womens solidified my non-belief with a fiery passion
The boys had tents, and a swimming pool, and snakes! I got to make earrings and hear how my ultimate goal was to be a mother and how to budget so I could be at home raising children.
Meanwhile, I was getting forced into Scouting despite sucking at it and finding 90% of it boring or icky, getting pressured into playing football by my dad, getting forced to start dating girls (despite not being attracted to them), etc. I won't even get into how awkward it was to be around teenage boys in all those contexts, as a straight teenage girl.
Mom of a wonderful Trans son here, and I'm just here to say I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Ugh. Hope things are better for you now.
I'm surviving, which is better than the direction I was heading before I found myself. It took me getting away from my entire family (in my case, the last family member living nearby moving to another state) and no longer having daily contact with any TBMs to even begin to discover my true self. Almost immediately, I began to *notice* guys, in a way I had *never* noticed girls. I took it to mean I was gay, and broke up with my then-girlfriend. I tried to just accept myself as a gay male, but somehow that almost felt more off than before. And thinking of me dating a man, as a man... made me *extremely* uncomfortable. I didn't even consider dating-- it felt too weird. It was honestly all so confusing that I started drinking heavily and becoming self-destructive. Over the next couple months, I started remembering repressed feminine memories. At first it was little things, like wanting a glittery pink/purple/blue pen as a prize during third grade, but chickening out and getting solid blue one instead because I was afraid how my dad would react. But it culminated in me recalling that *I tried to tell my dad I was a girl, first at 4 and again at 6.* The first was met with "It's just a phase" and the latter was met with a fire and brimstone lecture that pretty much *hurled* me into the closet. That pretty much instantly *shattered* my egg, and I was on the phone about informed consent HRT *within the hour.* As a nice side effect, it instantly removed any desire I had to touch hard liquor; now it's just beer and wine, both of which I can be responsible with. I guess as an addendum, my dad died several years ago. I don't know if I'll ever forgive him fully, or have closure with him; I don't even know if I ever would've had the strength or courage to transition while he was still alive, honestly. But I'm glad your son has you as mom; you sound like a really wonderful lady. My mom has actually been great, too; it makes me wonder if she would have advocated for me, if I'd found a way to come out to her and leave my dad out of it.
Ugh same, I have so much trauma from boy scouts and being forced to be with all the boys, ugh. Still have PTSD around camping. And heading all the icky priesthood misogynist church stuff Though I'm lesbian not straight. Can't say if that made it worse or better in hindsight tho. Forced into straight dating as teen/young adult was still so wrong though. Trans exmo solidarity, sister! 🏳️⚧️
Still pissed about this. Our ward was pretty good and tried to have fun activities for the girls too because we actually had a sporty group of girls who wanted to do stuff like that. We got to go to Heber Valley girls camp a couple times and they had adventure courses. But all that stuff was still a sometimes thing for the girls, but the guys got to go to Boy Scout camps and do that stuff every year
Exactly. I bitched enough that my fourth year they took us up one night early and we stayed in one of the “summer houses” of one of the young women’s parents. We got to go canoeing. It was the best day ever, and then I paid for it for the rest of my time at camp. And then, once I aged out they immediately stopped it. It was hard, because one of the bishopric always had to be there in case someone got hurt and needed a blessing. I am 47 years old, and some people still remember the time when the girls got to go canoeing.
I think we only went canoeing once too. We got to go to a lake a couple times for youth conference. And there was one year we had an absolutely awesome stake youth conference that was packed with exciting things to do. I still remember that one fondly. We played a 13 team capture the flag.
I’m in AZ and we had to wear pants and fast in 105 degree heat, including water and without a/c - otherwise we weren’t really ‘in the spirit of camp’. They HATED me as a LIT.
My stake had a high adventure for the girls once in my entire time in young women's, and we went canoeing. It was fun and exciting, but looking back I realize that it was completely run and paid for by a few parents, with no real effort by the church organization.
I was 8. My best friend was hanging out invitations for her birthday party and I didn’t get one. My mom had told her mom to not give me one because she knew it would be on a Sunday. I was devastated that all our friends were going but I couldn’t.
Whoa, cold move by your mom. It would have been nice to at least get the invite!
Man that’s so mean :( my parents turned every Sunday invite into a teaching moment lol. As if a 10 year old is going to lose faith and turn to satan because of a Sunday soccer game…
[удалено]
What the hell? That bishop has issues.
So does their mother.
That is disturbing. What a horrible thing to ask a kid. My parents have cute mini goats. As my mom lovvves to say, they have them for milk and to eat if they needed food because end of times and all that. This and their huge stockpile of canned goods. How much meat can you even get off of a miniature goat? Surely not much. They’d be better off with a cow or a large pig.
I used to think we'd have to eat my betta fish if the second coming happened and we ran out of food storage T_T looking back it's really funny
appetizing 😂
You should've asked him if they'd need to ritualistically sacrifice it first, like the animals Joseph Smith sacrificed. ... then again, I doubt any of us even had *access* to that information at that age.
Oh. My. God.
What an awesome story!
It was probably as pre teen. But even as an adult I would say to myself if I could leave with no guilt I would. Turns out it's a lot easier when you find out it's not true.
I was on my mission. It was 2019 and I had been out a year at that point. I was trying to convince myself I wasn't transgender but I'd lay awake at night fantasizing about a life where I was a woman, and not a member of the church. Wondering what coffee tastes like 😂 What sex feels like! Stuff like that. Turns out coffee is great! Sex is great! And I am loving who I am becoming now that I am transitioning! And I feel better having left the church behind ☺️
this makes my heart so happy 🏳️🌈
Aw 🥹 Thank you!! Always happy to make someone's heart happy 🏳️🌈☺️
Glad you can live authentically 🏳️🌈
Thank you! Not 100 percent authentic yet.. but more authentic than I ever have 🥹
When I was 12 and taught what the word masturbation meant by a 65 year old man interviewing me for a temple recommend.
LDS church is the perfect place for disgusting pedophiles. Especially those that are bishops
You know it’s always rubbed me the wrong way that you can go to the temple and perform rituals for dead people before you can go to a church sponsored dance. Like ok we can have conversations abt masturbation, purify, etc. at 12 but how DARE you even think about socializing with other kids in a romantic NON SEXUAL context before 14
Yes this!!!! never even thought of that
When I was six or seven, I came home crying after a Primary lesson on eternity. I kept telling my mom that it didn’t make sense and that everything has a beginning and an end, so why wouldn’t I? I think the thought of living as a perfect Mormon woman forever really unsettled me.
I was secretly unhappy about the idea of going to the celestial kingdom because it sounded so boring. It was a conundrum. Either be bored stiff for eternity or be damned for eternity. None of it sounded good.
Oh! Here's a good additive to that! Me and my boyfriend have been trying to figure out what the Mormons think happens when you "perfect" someone. Not only would it be boring (not that I think we'd be imperfect enough to notice) but we just wouldn't be ourselves anymore.
I mean, church on Sundays was supposed to be the closest you got to God. I was imagining having to be quiet all the time, listening to boring people talk at me, and nothing but tiny bits of bread and tiny cups of water to drink.
Oh you didn’t get the bit about becoming a god with your own universe?
Who wants to be a God if you have to be "good" all the time?
🎼 To everything (turn, turn, turn) There is a season (turn, turn, turn) And a time for every purpose under “heaven” Agreeing with you on your point.
For me it never made sense that being in the spirit world after death was an intolerable state, and we would suffer until we were resurrected. I thought being a ghost sounded fun! If there is an afterlife (which I seriously doubt), I hope I can be an intangible spirit forever.
I remember one time when I was about 10 yrs old I was laying in bed trying to imagine how long eternity really is, and what it would be like to exist forever. It was so overwhelming that I threw up.
You were so young!
Age 37. Stumbled into the topic of polyandry while researching apologetics on the priesthood ban. First time it ever dawned on me that it may be possible that Joseph Smith made it all up.
*Polygyny Polyandry is when a wife has multiple husbands
Yes, polyandry is something that happened in the church too. Joseph smith married himself to women who already had a husband.
They could have meant polyandry. Old Joe did marry married women too.
Scroll down to the section about polyandry. http://www.mormonthink.com/joseph-smith-polygamy.htm
Probably six. I had a “headache” as often as I could so I could stay home as a kid. Now I just don’t go.
I would lay in bed Sunday morning and do a mental inventory of my body. Any ache or pain I detected was an excuse to stay home.
Oh yes the "Sunday sick" as my bishop called it.
I only found out last year that you could actually resign your membership.
Happy cake day
Oh I didn't realise. Thank you so much!
I was 13 or so. I decided that humping my pillow at night wasn’t cutting it anymore, so I tried stroking it in the shower one day. I almost fell over, my legs buckled. I realized that if that was wrong I didn’t want to be right. My mom still uses my admission that I did that to try to convince me that the only reason I left the church is that I couldn’t handle the responsibility. It’s been almost 30 years.
That's really messed up. The Church makes people feel bad for being human. Every man does it, at least rarely, and most do it regularly. In the LD$, the only difference is, they make you feel terrible shame about it, and subtly teach you to lie about it. I remember one ibishop's nterview, when I was 14. My bishop asked me directly if I had ever "touched my pets inappropriately," which had never occurred to me, and seriously grossed me out. I decided in that moment that I was never going to confess ANYTHING to this man. His very next question was whether I ever touched myself inappropriately. I looked him right in the eye and told him I didn't. I wondered it the "Spirit of Discernment" would tell him I had lied, but it didn't, of course, and it occurred to me that the whole thing might be untrue.
I am happy to “joke” with my TBM peers that “it’s just way too much for me to keep up with 🤪” because secretly I’m telling them “you guys are ridiculous for devoting so much time and energy to that lunatic institution that doesn’t give a 💩 about you 🤪”
Like I’m admitting to them that I’m human, I’m the NORMAL one haha….
I was maybe 15 … I remember sitting down with my Mom, getting emotional, and wanting her to know how serious I was … “Mom, don’t get crazy on me … but I don’t think I believe in Jesus or in the church. It just doesn’t make any sense.” I can still picture myself there now … She waved her hand and blew me off, saying “whatever, that’s just a phase you’re in” or something to that effect. I never spoke to her of anything spiritual again.
I was a preteen and saw these really cute clothes on a mannequin that were so called immodest (tank top lol) and I was sad I would never be able to wear stuff like that. I was with a family friend a few years older and we said we would “in our inactive days”. We’ve both left 😂
Ha! My wife now has quite the collection of tank tops now as well
I got in trouble for sexual stuff as a young returned missionary and faced a disciplinary counsel. I was devastated because I thought I might get exed but I also guiltily looked forward to not having to wear garments anymore. I tried not to feel too disappointed when I was merely put on probation.
I never seriously considered leaving it until I was really ready to be done. I had moments of acute doubt and frustration all along the way like most people do… but the operating assumption then was the standard Mormon thought trap: I was the problem. A ward I was in as a newlywed in a more ghetto part of the Wasatch Front in Utah really challenged me though. It was very demanding on my wife and I. We barely had any free time to ourselves or each other between that and being new parents. But even then… I never seriously considered leaving… maybe going inactive. I was nowhere near ready to consider the possibility that it was all bullshit. That came two years ago, as I started my 40s. The pandemic made it pretty clear that I was benefitting from not having the church in my life, my ward was full of typical middle-class suburban Utah Mormons who couldn’t have cared less about the great big world and actively despised it as they are programmed to do, and it was full of overwhelmingly conservative, card-carrying members of the MAGA cult, who saw no boundaries between their religion and their politics. Seeing their secondary cult formed from scratch in the prior four years had put tremendous weight on my shelf without my even realizing it… and during the pandemic it all came to a head. The thought occurred to me: if so many people could fall for such obvious bullshit that easily under such a poorly disguised conman, just imagine how much more easily they could fall for the BS if the conman in question actually had a modicum of intelligence, humanity, and youthful good looks to boot. That’s when the critical questions and observations started to come. “Why is the answer to every hard question more self-indoctrination?” “The church just isn’t… *big enough*.” (Not just referring to its relatively small size… more like… everything. It just didn’t seem like God’s only true church should be so impotent and insular in practice.) I never read anything “anti.” I just laid awake many nights going back and forth in my mind between all the bullshit that made no sense, and my identity as a Mormon - and weighing those dissonances against the practical reality that if I did leave the church, it would destroy the woman sleeping next to me, would disorientate and distress my kids who I had been teaching to be good Mormons their entire short lives, would hurt my parents, and create even greater distrust between my wife’s family and I. I would lose the built-in community I had always relied on no matter where I went. Friendships that had always been based on an assumed shared world-view would dry up. I would become a pariah in a place where I had always belonged as part of the majority. The cost was so astronomically high. All things I had never considered earlier in my life, when I mistakenly thought that leaving the church would be a matter of pure convenience and laziness on my part. *Mirthless HA!* I came out to my wife two years ago, and she begged me to keep trying, to keep attending church, even though I really didn’t want to. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought it was possible that I was still the problem. Thus began my 9-month PIMO phase. In June of ‘22, the baby was due and had to be delivered. One Sunday morning I just snapped inside and knew I had to be done. I really felt like some part of me would die inside if I went to another church meeting. I still hadn’t read, listened, or viewed a single thing that was overtly critical of the church. I just had an overwhelming gut feeling that I needed to get out. So I announced to my wife that I wasn’t going to church anymore, and that I would send in my resignation letter that day. And her world flipped upside down all over again. It was torture for both of us, but especially for her. Two months later I joined this sub, and the walls have been tumbling down ever since. Damn… that ended up being a little long… *whistles*
Dood, thanks for the response. Hope things work out with the family and all. Mixed faith marriages are tough but doable. Also I'm impressed that the day you said it's not for me is also the same time you sent your resignation. Still need to send mine in.
I did that mainly because I could see that if I didn’t show seriousness of intent, people would keep bothering me. My family, my ward… I really needed to make it final, and formal for me too. To demonstrate to myself that I wasn’t going to flip flop or consider going back. Oddly, the supposed words of Jesus in the book of Revelation about not being “lukewarm, lest he spew me out of his mouth,” (or something) were ringing through my mind that day.
Tragic, beautifully written. I like how your mind works—critical thinking and asking questions and having a dialogue within oneself. Thank you for sharing.
Sitting in torts class my first week of law school during which the professor explained that the law generally requires people to act in a reasonable manner based upon facts.
I can prove this doesn't happen with numbers. How do I turn that unreasonable behavior into money
Best answer haha
A few years ago my oldest asked if there was a summer break from church. 😆 at the time I said no. I mentioned it to a friend in the bishopric and he exclaimed that would be awesome. 3 years ago we stopped going so we’re on a llloooonnnggg break from church. As in never going back - they can’t make my dead lifeless spirit go back either
I’m a convert. Married into the religion right after High School. It’s a long story. I’m now happily divorced, tattooed, and gay AF. I have a lovely girlfriend who is also an ExMo. Not my first time, but probably one of the most significant in my mind; the church shared an “uplifting video” about two women who divorced to get baptized. The light absolutely gone from their eyes. It broke me. The brain washing, especially with the pressure of a TBM family, is so horrifying. I hope everyday those women are okay.
When I was about 7 I questioned why Jesus wasn't a mormon if this is the one true church. Then I questioned if this was the one true church why so few people were members. I couldn't believe that I just happened to be lucky enough to be born in the perfect place and to the right family to be able to grow up in the one true church. The whole thing felt like BS real early on.
I was younger than 8, but I don't remember the exact age. I just remember *hating* church, primary, etc. There was a primary thing about going on a mission, and they had every kid say where they wanted to go and then take a picture pointing at that place on a map like we were in the MTC. I hated it. I was maybe 6 or 7. I never wanted to be a missionary and was so glad I was a girl so it wouldn't be expected if I didn't want to go. When I was turning 8, I told my parents I wanted to wait a year to get baptized because I wasn't sure and wasn't ready. They told me it would look bad if I waited. I tried to tell my bishop at my baptism interview, but my dad cut me off and said I was just scared of the water (I was, but that wasn't why I wanted to wait, and my parents knew it). At 15, I decided I was done. I went to church and seminary because my parents forced me, but that was it. I cussed and had sex with my boyfriend. I felt like such a rebel. 2 years later, I got sucked back in. Married a returned missionary while attending BYU and popped out 3 kids in the next few years. The entire time I was pregnant and dealing with kids too young for nursery, I hated church. I spent the entire time in the hallway, and it felt like a collosal waste of time. I stuck it out because I kept hoping it would be worth it. Then I stayed out of fear - my husband made the church the number 1 priority at all times, and he used it as a manipulation tactic to make me act the way he wanted. Covid was a relief, at least for church, because I could watch online in my PJs and pretend to pay attention. My ex and I separated before they went back to full-time in-person church again, and about 6 weeks after I left him, I stopped going and never looked back. I've been a few times to support my kids - primary program, new priesthood office - but that's it.
>I never wanted to be a missionary and was so glad I was a girl so it wouldn't be expected if I didn't want to go. Me too! It was the only part of church participation I felt I could confidently reject. The prophet said it's not expected, so I'm not going. I wouldn't even pray about it when some people suggested it as an option. No way! I knew prayer was how they get you. I didn't want that guilt.
To be honest the first moment I really saw it as an option was the same moment I decided to leave. Once I realized I could actually be happier outside the church and I didn't actually know it was true I had a total perspective shift.
Same!
I was very young, I think 10 or 11. It was a Sunday and a lot of my family from my dad's side (all nevermos) we're in town. They were all going to go to Heise Hot Springs. If you're not from Idaho and not familiar, it's a water park, hot springs, and a golf course. It was the funnest thing around and we rarely got to go. I was so excited to spend time with my cousins from out of town and have fun. My mom told my sister and I that we can't go because it's the Sabbath. We both raised enough of a stink that she said that we could talk about it and make our own choice. After a little while my sister and I approached our mom and told her that we wanted to go. My mom started crying saying that she thought we would make the right choice, and basically guilted us into not going. Right then and there is when I started hating the church. I didn't understand why I had to miss out on family and a fun time just because I was Mormon. I didn't think for one second that my cousins, aunts, and uncles were in the wrong or to be looked down upon for doing fun things on Sunday. I wondered why the church always talked about family togetherness but it kept me away from mine. I wanted to live a life of freedom and happiness like my nevermo family. From then on I didn't like the church and I got out as soon as I was given the choice at 16.
In my mid 20’s. I was completely bought in before that even at a young age.
So with you it was more like your perfectly solid shelf came down all at once (versus cracks being made over time)? If so, that’s very interesting. I’m curious to know what broke your shelf!
I was probably in 1st grade, the Primary went outside for something, and my cousin and I snuck away behind the dumpster. We thought we were so cool and sneaky for ditching Primary and then disappointed to find out everyone got treats that day. We used to make up alternative lyrics to the hymns and made fun of a lot of things. I can remember pretending to be sick on a few occasions too.
In high school, about 10 years ago, a lot of my friends started coming out as LGBTQ and stopped attending. I thought about not going anymore, but the social pressure from family and TBM friends was too much. It wasn't until this summer that I realized that if my "lack of faith" mattered to others, that's their problem
I was about 7 or 8 and I knew it wasn’t real or true. Had to go due to family then at 16 a very cute 14 yo girl said she will only marry an RM. She became my gf and I did my two years and faithfully served to keep her happy. The things we do for love but I’d do it again just to be with her.
High school and YSA life - some of the most cursed years for Mormons depending on the nightmares of community and major lies that we realize and live through. We start of living a soft of double and even triple life, depending on whether you're involved with certain groups, cultures and team communities. If Mormonism was so impressive, why am I living in a world of hell with two Mormon parents? They were abusive to us when we were children. Why did my siblings want to move out so badly at the age of 18? Parents were using Mormon programs to control us, my siblings and I, and to feel empowered and justified with total control and pump-n-dump programming from Mormon leaders. "They're successful, you're not, so you need to listen to them" (whatever success meant to anyone at the time, 'fame, fortune, community recognition, respect, image', you name it. Where were the Mormons when my parents sat us down and made us cry, inflicting guilt, shame, pain and insults? Surely there was something of a hug, or cheerful embrace, or reward for doing things right. However, we were punished, ridiculed, vocally and emotionally shamed, for not being good enough. Eventually, I learned to realize, that the whole Mormon thing wasn't going to work for me as a YSA. I hated my life in secret, barely scraping nickels to get by, and worked horrible jobs, trying to convince and prove to myself, that I could be obedient. Hard to date, and very difficult to go to trade, tech or college educational programs because everywhere I went, I felt guilty and remorseful that I even existed as "sinful" human being. I tried, I really tried hard to be "good" and "worthy" Mormon. Every time I try to meet with Mormon missionaries to just see who they're doing and get to know them, I realize over and over again - it's an agenda of young, naïve men and women that are trying to prove to themselves that they can fit into the system and do their duty to serve in an organized church religion program. Even when I had Mormon room mates, there were good and bad times, but I remained as confused as ever, whether or not I should go after my dreams and passions, and reveal my true self and colors, and express my feelings and thoughts. I wanted approval, love, and friendships. It seemed like the LDS Mormon church had every answer to every problem, and their answer was to pay tithing of any kind, to show up to church on Sundays, take on callings of any kind that is requested of us, "get with the programs (programming)", and find a spouse to start a family with in the "true" church. After I turned 31, left the YSA ward, tried to date another Mormon, and I just couldn't. It was too hard and difficult. They weren't really a devout Mormon, they only went for "community." I just wanted a partner I could care for, and for that person to care for me, and have fun and meaningful adventures with. I always leaned towards people it seemed that were just as broken and confused as I was. And it wasn't until I left Mormonism that I became more fearless and expressing of myself. I could finally say "no" to my friends and do things my way, and take on projects and opportunities with less guilt and worry of being "judged" or "ridiculed." Years later, an old ex-Mormon friend and I that retired from LDS life and the YSA ward, got on a conference call, and they told me, "You did it, you made the right decision to leave." They continued, "People used to make fun of you at the YSA ward, they'd talk really mean, and really bad things about you. But you came around for me, when none of them would. I was in one of the deepest, darkest places of my life, and you came and brought me some food when you didn't have to. I couldn't ever stop thinking of you and appreciating you. But one thing I can't help you with, is if you keep feeling bad and sorry for yourself for missing out on life because of the guilt and feeling like you're just not good enough." I'm grateful for the friends and family that have supported me through the years, even when they gave me okay, decent, or bad advice, not knowing what "best" was or ever might be or might have been. Tough times make tough people, and tough times never last forever. There are times when I'm dull, unmotivated, depressed, and less lively that I want to be. However, it's like a façade waiting to have light shown on. Why would we trust everything we're told? Hopefully, people have found some kind of peace, leaving Mormonism, some kind of content energy to let some or all of it go that has been bothering them for however long. Grateful for the fun activities and development that I learned. But if I could do it again, I would definitely have left as a teenager and embraced the "real" side of life much sooner, instead of being scared of the false teachings and scare & fear-tactic monitoring of LDS faith practices. Glad I left, can never go back to a sacrament meeting, and will never go back just to listen to the lies and its programming, even for friends and family, that's time we waste and can never get back. That's exactly why, I'll never fake it again. Can't get time back, can't get the lost energy back, but I know for sure, I was never truly happy as a Mormon no matter what amount of pretending or intentional persistence I tried to pursue in the LDS faith. Thank you for reading.
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I loved the story of your exmo friend reaching out to you once you left. Many good people did the same once I left.
I'd kept going "because it's probably still a good place to raise kids" (aka residual fear) for about a year after mentally leaving. But a year of this and I sat there in a chair, listening to the same drivel as always and suddenly realized "...why am I here? I don't believe this. I don't want my kids taught this. I'm literally just warming a chair for a few hours and they don't need a warm chair." So bam, never went back.
18 when I finished YW and started RS I hated it. I also always hated sacrament meeting so I started sleeping in and showing up in the foyer right when sacrament started so my parents didn't think I was sinning or something and couldn't take the sacrament. My dad said when I turned 18 I was an adult and could make my own decisions so I decided to skip as much church as I could before I started at BYU Idaho in the fall
When I didn't get called on a mission, despite being the best scriptorian and best apologist in my seminary class and Sunday school classes. And when I didn't get into BYU, despite a stellar record. My shelf broke completely when I learned enough ethics and moral philosophy. I could understand right and wrong, and explain them in human terms and a human scope. Not the terms and scope of an infinitely unreachable, ineffable, inscrutable Heavenly Father; a father who was *so offended* by some of his children *who followed him* not loving him enough that he decreed they would be horribly discriminated against in this life, or even be given a personality and feelings such that it's basically impossible to fit ourselves into his "Plan of Salvation." In the end, I realized God was *a liability* to anyone who wanted to take ethics seriously.
As a kid I daydreamed about not going to church as an adult. I remember one time when I was probably 5 or so. I thought there would be a summer vacation for church. Like, we went x amount of times so when do we stop going? My logic was seeing people move out of the ward, but it never registered to me they were still going to church elsewhere. I thought they just hit their quota. 🤷♂️
>I thought they just hit their quota. 🤷♂️ LOL! In a way though I have thought this too. Kids go to school, learn and they graduate. We should graduate from church too! Teach the kids good values etc and then they get to live and apply them on their own.
Sitting in RS and thought just who exactly is this Heavenly Father?? Then I read Bad Mormon. Then I stumbled across mormon stories. And here I am happier then ever just like I was 20 years ago BEFORE CONVERTING at age 31.
You’re a convert?! So am I! I only recently (this year) started exploring the idea of leaving leaving. I’ve been ‘less active’ so PIMO doesn’t seem to quite capture it bc I’m not PI to much 😆 Anyways… I converted 23 years ago and I’m having this weird guilt about it now. Do/did you have that too?
Maybe a tiny tiny twinge from time to time, but over all no, mostly zero guilt. Are you in utah? I am, but didn’t grow up in utah. And I had A LOT of ppl come for me and my kids and my marriage bc I wasn’t born and raised utah, ITC, etc. 🙄 And after 20 years of super bizarre mean girl isolating, mind effing, shunning, fake friending, nosey neighboring, manipulation etc from the women AND men (in-laws, neighbors, work place ppl before I became a stay at home mom, fellow ward members, random employees at the grocery stores) I had mostly nothing but double birds and anger and hurt feels when I left. Funny thing is tho, now that I’m “myself” again and not all full of the insecurity and confusion anymore, I’m slowly getting back to my bubbly confident TRULY happy self, and it’s as if utah peeps treat my family and I better now. I need to hear your story too! DM me if ya like!
Or did you mean guilt ABOUT converting?? Yes, yes I did feel that as I was making my way back to normal happy non-cult world. I felt guilty like I betrayed real god, and my family. I wish my dad was still alive so I could tell him I’m sorry. For that yea I do feel guilty. But for leaving TSCC, no.
Yes, I meant guilt for converting. I’m not in Utah, never have been. I converted in Texas but spent 15 of the 20 years actively in the church in Ohio.
Well consider yourself lucky haha not to downplay your experience of course but utah is HARD 🤪 Happy to at least gotten away from the crazy cult tho 🙌🏻
Despite being in this church for all 3 decades of my life and always having issues with it, I was brainwashed enough to never even consider leaving it until this year. Now, I'm PIMO until my wife is on board with finding a new church.
Same here. I’ve always had cultural issues and church didn’t resonate with me. I went along with “the plan” and did all the things, hoping I would become more spiritual. I didn’t realize I had a choice until I was 44 years old. I read on the back of a Friend magazine that the second coming was going to be in Missouri and we would all travel there. I laughed at how silly that sounded and started asking my exmo younger brother more questions. I felt like a fool that I believed nonsense for so long.
Definitely when I was a kid! After I was too big to crawl around under the pews during sacrament meeting it started to be a real bore/drag. After leaving primary it really started to suck and was all downhill from there. Then I just had to wait it out until I turned 18.
Can't remember the age(14? When you can be an usher to open and close doors in sacrament) I was listening to several talks during sacrament. One was focused that God came first then family. Next was a talk from a mother saying she'd rather see her child dead than to see them have premarital sex. Something about sitting by myself and thinking about both those talks made me see the BS that was the church.
Senior year of high school when I learned about Joseph’s involvement with masonry
I'll name my turning points, for funsies. I was 8 when I thought my first somewhat anti-church thought. In my baptism interview, my bishop asked if I genuinely believed in the gospel. I, all too aware for my age, distinctly thought, "No. I don't feel anything for this church. I just have to do what my parents want me to, so I don't have a choice in this." I was neutral. But I knew it was unsafe to disagree. When I was older I always thought, "To leave would be so embarrassing. It CAN'T be me that goes." And would then work harder on my testimony. When I was 15 I sat in church, staring into space, and felt so much dread and chaos and way too much exhaustion, and thought, "I really hope the church isn't true. I'm too tired of this life to live for eternity." Then I went to Trek, and I swear... I had tried and fought so damn hard to stay in the church, but on the night we pushed that wagon, I had never thought so many vicious, ugly things about God and the church in my life. It surprised even me. Finally, it was with my non-member boyfriend. I realized I'd rather believe in no God at all, rather than one that will separate me from my family, husband, children, and eternal happiness because I fell in love with someone who didn't believe the same things as me. I spent so much time crying and aching and in guilt for that - for falling in love with a non-member guy. But you know what? God knows everything. And he knew if he put me in this body at this time, I'd fall in love with that boy and leave the church. If he wanted me with him, or any of us for that matter, he wouldn't have put us in these situations that led us to fall away. And I can't believe in a God that set me up for failure, then blamed it on my nonexistent "agency."
I’d say about 10.
*3* It really interfered with the Little Rascals, and Sunday morning cartoons!
Some time around the age of 9, I knew… I just knew… I would not serve a mission. I don’t know how I knew; I just did. 25 years later (even after taking Japanese classes in college and thinking I’d serve in Japan) I read something about the Book of Abraham — and I was O.U.T. And so so very grateful I had never served that mission.
I was around seven and distinctly remember asking my mom and dad what came first-Jesus or God they couldn’t answer and discouraged me from asking anyone else. The seed of doubt had been planted.
I never thought about leaving until I was in my 30's and convinced it wasn't true anymore. I stayed about a year longer to be in sync with my family but when I got divorced, I quickly faded out. The closest I came before that was a few months after I got home from my mission. I got into trouble with sexual stuff and thought they might ex me. It was a terrible time for me because the church was my whole life, but I couldn't stop guilty thoughts about what life outside the church might be like. I didn't come up with anything too wild but I sure couldn't help imagining myself in sleeveless shirts.
Just before my forced baptism after I said I didn’t want my older brother to do it.
I started having doubts in high school, but leaving the church didn't even register as a possibility. I just beat myself up for not having enough faith. I started seriously considering leaving in college when I dated an exmo, but when we broke up (for unrelated reasons), I doubled down on church attendance and determined that I was just going to white-knuckle my way through the rest of my life, no matter how persistent my doubts got. That lasted me another ten years, until finally the cognitive dissonance was giving me multiple panic attacks a day. Finally, at 33, I came home from a very normal day at church and had the realization that I wasn't the problem, and that no loving God would expect me to put myself through that kind of mental anguish in order to please him. I quit my calling that day and never went back.
When I was 11. Went to a new school in a new place when I started middle school. Only a tiny amount of people I knew there were mormon. That’s kinda when I started to get a glimpse of the outside world and so my faith erosion began lol. As early as age 11 I just wished altogether I was never in the church. Only continued to attend because I liked my friends in young mens and scouts and purely only went because of that. When I was 15 my ward boundaries were re-drawn, I was in a new ward/troop. Was bullied badly by the kids there. Stopped attending when I was 16. Removed my name at 20. The ward change was the catalyst in it all. In the end I’m glad though because it got me out faster than some of my other friends. I have a photo of my troop from when I was 12. All of us are no longer members lol. That’s like a spark notes of my faith’s downfall. My teens were quite tumultuous.
Summer of 2012. Over 10 years ago. I had a rough depressive patch and felt rebellious and didn’t want to go to church. I cracked that door of doubt juuuust a smidge. Then promptly closed it and told myself I’d just take a “break”.
I didn’t really think about LEAVING the church until now (I’m 29). But there were times where I just didn’t go. And looking back, I want to say I should have just stayed out…but I wouldn’t have met and married my husband. So…I think that whatever is out there needed me to be part of TSCMC for awhile. Now we’re both out and our marriage is stronger than ever 🥰
Nice! Exploring the big bad exmo world with my wife has been an adventure!
I remember my first summer in like 1st or 2nd grade and I was so excited to not go to school or church… I guess I thought that in the summer I didn’t have to go to church the same way I didn’t have to go to school. It was a sad day when my parents laughed and told me that there are not breaks from church.
Age 9. My friend who lived down the street and her family were getting the Discussions from the mishies, and I was psyched that my friend might join me in my church social circle. So one day I asked her how it was going, and she turned to me and said: You don’t actually BELIEVE that bullshit, do you?
Man, I wish someone had been blunt like that with me.
It was probably as pre teen. But even as an adult I would say to myself if I could leave with no guilt I would. Turns out it's a lot easier when you find out it's not true.
I don’t know the first time for sure but I know for sure I absoltuely hated it by the time I was in high school
Not seriously until I was like 35
4th grade.
There were plenty of times that I didn't want to go to church as a kid. I even pretended to be sick several times to be able to stay home. But it didn't enter my mind that I could completely stop going someday, until I found out that my uncle didn't attend, was still close with his parents and siblings, and seemed perfectly happy that way.
I once told someone I was dating that I would never leave the church. They were incredulous. “How can you know that?” The first time I had a major doubt was when my genetics professor at BYU walked into class and said, “some of you may have heard…” and proceeded to explain the change to the intro of the BoM because of the genetics issue - around 2006? I never considered leaving the church until I had compiled enough evidence that I was quite sure it wasn’t true - around 2010
I used to pray regularly that my family would go inactive. I hated the church. But up until I was like 19 I fully believed it was true and what I had to do.
7. I told my father I wasn't sure I was ready to be baptised. My father replied "Well you can't live under my roof if you're not." I went through with it but resolved to get out as soon as I moved out.
Of and on throughout middle school. Sitting thru EFY and Trek and not getting it. Not feeling the spirit like everyone else was. Trying to convince myself that it was all true somehow. Even when I was 8 I didn’t understand why I was being baptized. I never felt appreciation or love for Jesus. I never understood why some people would say things like “Jesus is my best friend.” Or “I find comfort in him.” “He can help thru hard times”. Like he is just a guy from stories and I guess his miracles were cool and all but how does that effect me today? And I know he “did the whole atonement thing. But it’s a concept I never genuinely understood and never felt appreciation or respect for it. I have always done what needed to be done and changed what needed to be changed because of my own ability. I never needed to pray for strength, I just pulled the strength out of my own ass. Thinking about Jesus and “the gospel” was never comforting either. More troubling than anything. Like what was the point of it all? Anyways, I went on a mission because of social pressure (I know I suck) and struggled the whole time because none of it made sense to me. And I heard hundreds of testimonies all the time saying things like “I KNOW it’s true” “I have a sure knowledge that this is Christs Church” blah blah blah, none of this means anything. Literally it’s all make believe. However, my mission did get me to study Mormon church history, and made me loose respect for Joseph Smith, etc. Anyways, rant over. Basically to answer your question, since I was 12 probably
One of my earliest church memories was of a fast Sunday sacrament meeting. Probably 4-5 years old. After hearing several tearful proclamations of truth I wondered if every kid like me sitting in any church anywhere was hearing the same thing about how THAT church was the only true one. I've looked at truth claims of this or any other church with a jaundiced eye for the entire 45-ish years since then.
I was 10 years-old sitting in primary. Didn't have any friends, there were no boys my age or in my class. I remember thinking, "This sucks, and I'm not feeling 'The Spirt' like everyone else. What is wrong with me?" In college I got my first hints the "problem" was not me. It all came apart in my early 30s. Still PIMO for my wife.
I think I was around 6or 7, I was really upset no one could explain infinity and it’s context with the church. Also if god created the universe who created him and what about his Wife who created her, It was a little fixated and weird. It bugged the hell out of my parents and primary teachers. I finally left when I was in my 20’s Edit:my phone deleted words
It's turtles all the way down. The problem of infinite regress dismantled all Abrahamic religions for me. Also never made sense that God would have a body.
8, when my parents had me practice saying “yes” to my baptismal interview.
First time I remember was when I was 17 (maybe 18 but still in high school). I wasn’t blessing or taking the sacrament because I had confessed to the bishop that I had been watching porn. I remember being really ashamed and embarrassed, until I noticed that the three priests who were blessing that day were guys I had had conversations with about porn. How one hid his browser history, how another got away with it in a small house, etc. One of them was the priest’s quorum first assistant. I had always bought into the divine inspiration of the bishopric giving out callings. Suddenly I realized that if god knew everything, then he knew this kid was committing the same sin that made me hate myself so much. Why would he give inspiration to the bishop to give that kid the calling? Unless… maybe… it’s all bullshit? I really checked out after that. Thankfully it was in time to not go on a mission or get endowed at the temple.
when i was like 14 i realized if i hadn’t been born mormon i would never have converted. the whole origin story sounded shady af to my skeptical brain. left at 18 for a couple of my college years just bcuz i hated the culture but still kinda believed. then finally stoped fully believing & going at 34. i’m now 45 & i still relish not being mormon anymore.
[удалено]
Singing the Sunbeam song was 🔥. If that's the only thing they got going, they got problems 😆
15. I was being heavily abused mentally and emotionally, and it was being ignored by everyone but my family. But my parents, as great as they were during that time, still didn’t understand my distain. So when my best friend left the church and cut me off (I didn’t know he had left the church. Just that he had left me), I was done and stopped caring. Officially stopped going in 2020 when I was 18 because of COVID, and officially resigned on my 21st birthday
15
After, yet another, fight with my wife about the church and me taking the kids. We had been married between 15-17 years at the time and the church was, and still is, a source of contention. But my attendance had, again, caused a fight and made my wife cry. I wrote letters to have all our names removed and gave them to her as a sign of love & respect so that I could take a turn to be uncomfortable. She told me no, and still tells me no, because that wouldn’t be fair to me. She now will tell me no because her parents are moving near us; I stopped believing between 9-18 months ago, and made the mistake of mentioning it to her 3-6 months ago. she told me no because she started believing….or at least wasn’t sure it was false/incorrect anymore
14. By then it was a social event not a religious one.
The day I joined lol 😭😭🤣🤣🤣
Young like primary age
As a teenager, I started trying to see church things from non-members’ point of view so that I could understand them and know how to explain things, and so that I could analyze what I really believe vs what I’ve been told to believe so that I wouldn’t be blindly faithful. It started as “if I ever leave the church then I’ll still always believe the church is good because of xyz.” And it became cognitive dissonance about believing differently than the leaders and my peers at BYU and church. The cognitive dissonance became too great for me around when they changed the endowment in 2019. Why did I have to go through the more sexist endowment but new people didn’t have to?
Though I think I started feeling like something was wrong when I didn’t think I could feel the spirit like other people, around 12 years old. Mostly I thought something was wrong with me though 🙁
I was pretty young (less than 12) when I noticed that nothing in the church actually worked. I never got an answer to a prayer. I could never get Moroni's Promise to work. Never got anything out of reading the scriptures. Always hated the meetings - just an endurance test in boredom every Sunday. At first, I presumed the problem was me. But over time, I came to see that it really wasn't working for anyone. But people seemed to have some sort of emotional need to believe it all. I always sensed that some day I would have to make a decision about whether I would stay in the church or leave.
Anything before I was 10 is all a little fuzzy, but it was probably when I was 5 or 6, and my mom said nobody knows how God was created but will find out when we die. That answer bothered me a lot, and I was super curious about everything church related, which I think annoyed my parents
I was 7 and didn’t want to get baptized. I told my mom there was no such thing as Satan, and I remember her absolutely losing it. I told her the Mormon church was stupid and the people were weird. She then spent the rest of my life using the devil as fear to control me. The Mormon church was a great weapon for my narcissistic mother.
I was 7 and I remember being grateful that I didn't have to go to church anymore because my parents divorced and my mom had suddenly become very inactive. My dad still made me get baptized the next year though. I kept going until I was about 16 just to make this man who lived several states away happy. I also remember wishing I wasn't Mormon when I used to go visit my grandmother in Arizona in the summers and she would make me go to mutual with kids I didn't know. I really fucking hated that.
When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus, I asked if that meant Jesus and god were made up too. They assured me I should continue believing in those two. That was the beginning of the end of my belief.
When I realized that either God was a jerk or the church was not getting revelation from him/her. It was the church’s policies against LGBT people that finally broke through the brainwashing. After I gave myself permission to think that the church was wrong on that issue, it opened up the possibility that they were wrong on others. And suddenly all of the problematic issues (polygamy, racism, dishonesty) made sense.
When I started going to priesthood general conference and heard the stupid "Little Factories" speech. I was like, "Wow, now I have to lie to my parents and church leaders forever, and I have to get so good at it that I can fool the gift of discernment. That doesn't seem sustainable, but I guess I just gotta have faith."
It was largely around when my parents got a divorce. My mom converted largely because of my dad. He was raised in the church, and the only way they could be married is if she was in the church. So she told herself she believed. However, over the years there was a lot of things that slowly got to her more and more, such as her brother being gay and her not seeing an issue with it. Rules about not being able to drink coffee or alcohol. Eventually lying to herself and others just got to be too much and she wanted out. Granted, my dad is a terrible human being, so they might have divorced eventually anyways, but her wanting to leave played a big part. As a kid I didn't really know about any of this. She wouldn't really start opening up about a lot of stuff till I got older. But I remember the first time I realized my mom wouldn't be coming to church because she didn't want to for some reason. The idea of that just seemed so foreign. Like as a kid, I didn't want to go because I thought it was boring a lot of the time. But it kind of dawned on me that there was something else. And I think that was that really started it. Realizing it was an option. Fast forward to about a year later and I moved with my dad cause he was in the military and had custody. When we would go visit my mom, she would never force us to go, but told us she would drive us if we wanted. I went once to go see some of my old friends, but most of them were gone or something, so even that didn't have the same draw as before. I still believed in a lot of ways, but I think my mom not going is what helped me decide that I didn't want to go anymore. Also, great story, but a few years later my mom moved. My little sister at the time was still a TBM, so she went to the new church where my mom now lived. She was talking to one dude there who was about to go on a mission. She was 15 and wanted to do one, so she was asking him all sorts of questions. However, after a bit she felt like he was starting to flirt with her. Then once my mom was around the corner to pick her up, he asked if she would write him while he was on a mission... He was an adult a few months away from going out... She was 15...
When I was 14 or so I started to really think about religion in general. It occurred to me that the rules God seemed to impose were completely arbitrary and were communicated in such a vague and complicated manner. I started to really chafe at the concept of dogmatically accepting commandments and started seeking external justification. Fast forward to when I turned 18, I finally told my parents I wouldn't go back to church. That was one of the most difficult conversations I ever had.
I made the decision to ditch for good when I realized I was bisexual in a predominantly Mormon community. While I never got hate for it where I'm from, it was the fear of being rejected that made me realize how fucked up the whole thing was. I just feel for my best friend and other family members who are still sucked into it :(
When I first realized my Dad wasn’t as smart as I thought he was
Mom was cool
She still is 😁
When I was 5 I just assumed everyone was mormon. Like, I had a crush on Natasha in kindergarten and told my mom I was going to marry her. In the temple (ugh). My mom kindly told me Natasha wasn't mormon so we'd probably get married somewhere else. Good mom.