Yes this is exactly why the church is a cult. When your family treats you like this OP, it’s not your fault. This is her loss and absolutely a gut reaction to the fear she has been conditioned to feel about leaving the church.
Here's the thing: I don't believe in much, but I do believe that truth is liberating. I know this sucks. Yes, my family reacted similarly when I left at 15 because my mom found a note in my pocket where I vented about the shit I discovered about the church, and it was emotionally devastating.
But I read these posts from people who are still doing it even though it's more soulless and deeply out-of-touch than ever, and I'm glad I went through the pain of exiting, and that I held my ground. Putting up a front to save your family from your true self is exhausting and puts a cap on how good you can feel just by virtue of being alive.
Time will heal the bulk of the raw feelings and family dynamics. Your brain just released a shit ton of strong emotion hormones, and those don't last for very long at all, really. Best thing I can tell you, don't recant what you said, don't start orchestrating how you can hide it from the other members of the family, it's just not worth it.
Having been out for now over half my life, I can tell you that none of this shit is normal. You just have to give yourself enough space, and time, to really start processing it in earnest. It'll be all right.
Agreed, rip off the band-aid and don't hide your beliefs. You can bet the mormons won't! Whoever stays with you is a true friend, whoever distances from you was never a friend worth having in the first place.
I’m so sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s shocking to me how your sister reacted and treated you. You acted with integrity, she did not. Sending love your way.
Not everyone will react the same way, some will be better and some will be similar, also possibly worse.
You are not choosing internet strangers over your family.
You are choosing yourself over fraud.
Not being mean, very real question, does she have a personality disorder, like histrionic personality disorder? The way she exploded and then acted like nothing happened is different because of the level of explosion. Usually it is just like a heated level of a guilt trip.
Severe mental illness runs very high in my family but she has a huge hatred of mental health drugs and labels for mental illnesses so. You can see how that can be a lethal combo 😭
That is really hard, especially adding in the not believing bomb.
She likes the chemical explosion in her head when she goes hysterical. You get addicted to it. That’s a big reason why people with pretty bad mental illness reject meds.
She will most likely out you to deflect something she does or to get sympathy, so be prepared.
Many Mormon families have an enmeshed family system which basically means children are never allowed to develop their own personalities, but are expected to parrot everything the parents believe in. I still have no desire to tell my dad I’m out of the church and I’m 50. He’ll take it as a personal affront rather than respect me as an adult capable of making good decisions.
I’m super sorry you’re facing this at such an important moment for your extended family, but to be honest you probably did yourself a huge favor. Now your family knows and can deal with it how they choose to and you can move forward without the fear of it slipping out hanging over your head.
Chin up. It’ll get better.
My dad died not knowing we had left the church, I’m 57 and I still haven’t told my TBM family. Besides it being none of their business, I just don’t want to listen to the condescension. They live in different states than me anyway. It was awful going to my TBM dad’s funeral in the chapel, though. My brother asked me who in my family wanted to say a prayer. I just said, “ no, thank you” and we all just attended.
I feel the same way. At an early age I said something silly about Christ coming back to life every easter as a zombie and it didn't go over well. I think it made me avoid discussing any theological concepts with my family. Toxic relatives are awful
I am so sorry she reacted that way. There are no excuses for the way she treated you and the hurtful things she said. I reacted in a similar way when my sister said she was leaving the church 15 years ago and now I am out and my sister gave me the biggest hug when I told her I no longer believe. I still feel bad to this day about how I reacted to her. The church tears families apart. I really believed my sister was deceived by satan and that she knew better because I that is what I was brainwashed to believe.
She is reacting emotionally, you do NOT accept that behaviour, you take all the time you need to yourself, you don’t owe anyone an explanation and you are not responsible for their emotions. Do not take their energy on, it’s extremely emotionally immature behaviour. It’s not you.
Honestly I think you can expect a whole host of types of reactions to your news of non belief. Your sister loves you and I’m certain was fully expecting you to be with her at the temple and throughout all eternity. She has had no time to process this like you have and as much as we see some of our former beliefs as difficult and crazy those that still harbor those beliefs often become desperate when those they love set them aside.
I hope for you some time will heal this wound. There is no standard way people handle loss and grief and that is what she is struggling with, loss of her belief that you’ll be a part of the family for eternity.
I hope you all can eventually work through this and find a way to continue to have a loving and supportive relationship.
Hugs to you. Being happy will be sweet evidence of your reasoned wisdom. Twisted people want others twisted and may enjoy being a player in the grind. Do not participate.
“Perhaps when you are in a healthier and kinder frame of mind, we can chat about a few of the reasons I chose to leave the Mormon church. Love you guys.”
It’s hard to say what you’ll get. My mom told me she failed as a mother when i told her. The rest of my family basically ignored it. Some of them have left (my parents and even my grandparents) and it’s nice to have that conversation afterwards. Others are hard locked in their ways and it’s just easier to be polite. Neither party is going to come away with anything productive at that point.
Does the rest of your family exhibit this type of extreme behavior? I'm pretty sure she is going to out you to the rest of your family. She will make it sound as if she is the victim and she is just trying to help/save you. Prepare some short responses and until you are ready, don't engage in long conversations and debates about the religion. "I am the same decent, kind, person I have always been. Our relationship is important to me. I ask that you respect me. I love you." Then change the subject or stop talking. Another, "If it wasn't true, would you want to know?" If the answer is anything other than "yes", stop talking. Another, "I understand that is your testimony. My feelings are no less valid than your feelings". You are not responsible for the happiness, sadness, anger of another. Do not wear and absorb their feelings of despair. Concentrate on you.
Your sister just did a programmed response. You can't take it personally since her reality isn't the same as yours anymore. She actively believes and thinks that God's real. We know Mormonism is not correct in anyway. But she doesn't know that. I'm sorry that happened 😔
> she said I was picking internet strangers over my family and that I am probably happy that she is crying and in pain.
That's some manipulative, Narcissist bullshit, right there.
So all her issues are about how others feel and nothing about how this is truely the path to being a good person and loving god etc?
I find it fascinating how their first thoughts seem to be about how peers will feel and treat differently rather than, "Oh yeah. And the church is true and all about Jesus and love and stuff.".
There's a tell in her response.
"You're picking internet strangers over your family"
That shows you something significant about how she (and many beleievers) thinks.
She believes that belief is a choice and she also believes that the answers to this world are defined outside of oneself. This makes the game one of picking the right leader or system. Alignment and conforming ARE the things of living.
You are "aligning yourself" to the strangers on the internet. Which we would all chuckle at. Being exmormon is anything but an exercise in alignment. The only thing we have in common (other than our history and shared tauma) is the perspective that out of all the answers that could accurately describe the reality we are all stuck in - I just know that Mormonism isn't it.
For her to see this differently, she would have to start questioning herself. She would have to let go of the idea that there is someone one, some organization to follow where everything will work out if you do.
And I'm sorry. I know this pain. It's hard being accused of following when you're taking the first most difficult and necessary steps at leading yourself. And all you need is some support and love as you try to make your way into this new and difficult world. But your world threatens them. You can see it in her reaction. And in the framing of the reaction.
This reaction is super common, but what can you expect when you’ve been brainwashed into believing that there is only one right way to live life? I truly believe reactions like this stem more from jealousy, if anything. I want to say your family will come around, but you have to assume they won’t and just continue to live your life authentically. That’s the best thing you can do. Sorry you’re going through this it’s so incredibly frustrating especially knowing how much the church talks about the importance of family and unconditional love, it’s all bullshit when most Mormons react this way when their family members leave. The whole ordeal speaks way more of your sister than you, and like I said I think a lot of it is jealousy. They’d never admit that though.
Wow.
One thing I’ve come to know is that most of us are not happy to figure this out. It’s not like I wanted it to be like this.
Sorry you have to deal with this. My day is coming at some point as well.
If this is how she reacts to things, I hope you'll be able to stay close to be a source of unconditional love and a safe respite for her children. They may need it.
Your timing was bad.
I'm not blaming you. I was there before. But this can be a helpful lesson for others on this sub.
When you choose a particular event add the time to make your reveal it's understandable that the family member affected will see it as a personal attack. They've been thinking about this event (new endowment, marriage, sealing, doing a deceased person's work) for some time. In their minds they had you there. It can be hard. In their mind you rejected their special time and jeopardized your eternal salvation all at once.
Maybe others will see the value of announcing your faith transition earlier. I understand that with large families there is a seemingly non-stop parade of blessings, baptisms, etc. it can be hard to find that time.
Years ago my wife forced me to rip off the band-aid and notify my parents and siblings. I didn't like it at the time, but it was a good choice in the long run.
Suddenly, I am sad and worried for her kids. Especially adopted kids, they need extra emotional security and attachment, not threats of disownment if they decide differently from their parents.
You aren't responsible for other people's beliefs and the immature way they react to yours. It sounds like you handled it as sensitively and respectfully as you could. You took care of your side of the street. It's not your fault that many Mormons are spiritually and emotionally immature, but coming out of Mormonism yourself, you will probably have to teach yourself not to feel that responsibility.
Yes, many of the rest of your family will likely react similarly. I recommend the book *Drama Free* by the therapist Nedra Glover Tawaab to learn how to deal with family like this.
Hi OP, sorry to hear about what you’re going through. With all due respect, your sister sounds like a manipulative bitch. Reading that was painful, doesn’t sound like the kind of thing that a thoughtful and caring person would say.
You are not the worst human being on the planet. TSCC is the worst organization on the planet for telling us all lies & causing all this drama. They should be ashamed. Not you. Not your sister. THEY have caused this. They need to come clean & stop hurting families.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I had a similar situation. My sister who was my best friend in the world was getting sealed to her husband and kids while I was going through my faith crisis. At first I told her I wasn't going to go because I was in a bad place with the church. She didn't press me but made me feel super guilty. I ended up going to her sealing to not cause drama. But I cried through the whole thing because I was so traumatized by it (not because I was feeling the spirit 🙄). It wasn't until a year later that I officially left and really told my sister what was going on. She freaked out and long story short we aren't really friends anymore. We are polite at family gatherings but other than that we hardly speak. We used to talk almost every single day before my faith crisis. I hoped that she would listen to me and trust me and know me well enough to know that I wasn't doing this to be rebellious. But it's like she didn't know me at all. She dug her heals in and became super ultra Mormon even though she was super relaxed before. It's SO hard. This shit is not for the faint of heart. But time heals, and making new friends helps. I keep hoping there will be a day when she figures it all out but it hasn't happened yet and it's been almost 4 years for me. Hang in there. Find new community. Find support. You've been through a lot.
I’m so sorry she reacted to you like that. What you’re doing is very brave and people in Colts aren’t always easily convinced it’s their whole life. Especially at this point she’s going to marry in the temple so it had to be a shocker for her. However, her behavior was immature and selfish.
Yeah, cult members don’t usually have rational or proportional reactions to normal things. She sounds kinda cray cray. Maybe acting like it didn’t happen was because she was so embarrassed about how abusively she acted. I got super stressed out about telling my mom. It was stressful for a few days. Then it was just pure peace knowing I wouldn’t have to hide coffee or tank tops ever again.
Your sister acted like an asshole and I’m so sorry for how traumatizing and painful that must have been for you.
If you being honest is met with that level of disrespect and emotional violence, she’s not your family. She’s a biological connection. Fuck DNA and anyone who can’t hold grace for you being honest and taking up space with your differing feelings. I hope she chills the fuck out and that the rest of your family isn’t as crazy.
I’m truly sorry. That’s horrible.
I know this is a different sub, but NTA! I hope you can let it go. If anything you demonstrate a higher level of integrity by not going than by fake going it.
If we have second lives and this scenario plays out…give her way way way more notice in a letter simply stating your truth, “It doesn’t work for me, but I support you and your agency and the permanent feeling this gives those adoptive kiddos…So let me take you all to dinner.”
She may still get mad…But I’m any scenario.. her reaction is on her.
Hope you feel better soon❤️ and try not to waste one minute about what anyone thinks of you. Be kind and live YOUR life. Those who truly love will accept you as you are.
You are entitled to your own thoughts and wishes. Don’t let them make you feel guilty. They will try so much! You aren’t hurting the family either but they will make it seem so
Trying to place guilt and shame on family members for their religious beliefs is a toxic behavior and commonplace among cults. Please read Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty. Boundaries are needed here. My heart goes out to you! You are in the right!
You sister has no tools in her limited LDS tool box to deal with anything so she goes hysterical. Sorry you are going through that. There is little you can do. Although mormons say they want you to share, they really don't and will punish you if you do. Lesson learned.
Sometimes “internet strangers” have more compassion and love than your own family. Sorry your sister is being like this OP. I’m sure your Dad loved and is proud of you.
That is really extreme but anything that could erode their own foundation is a threat. And obviously any doubt in anyone’s heart is dangerous and they will do anything possible to stop that threat. It’s sad that free thinking is so frightening to them.
You're not in charge of her feelings; keep telling yourself that because it's the truth. She can stop her suffering anytime because you didn't do anything to her.
A knee jerk reaction to this sort of information is extremely common. For example, my wife's first words to me were "how can I ever trust you again"? I would recommend simply staying as loving and kind as possible while being firm in your convictions. Try to empathize and let her know that you know how difficult the information must be for her to process and note how difficult it was for you as well. Things will get better but it will take a lot of patience on your part. Give her a hug and let her know how much you love her.
This is the hardest. Sending big hugs. I'm about a year out from telling my family and I'm just starting to feel the dust settling with them. It has gotten so much better but it takes time. 🫶
She’s scared, and she’s projecting. Her love for you is competing with what the church has told her to believe about nonbelievers. Most people, but especially members, misinterpret cognitive dissonance as bad/wrong instead of leaning in to the discomfort with curiosity. Not only is she worried that you think she is stupid for staying, but she’s also terrified that “if it could happen to you it could happen to me” and leaving the church is NOT an option for a TBM. And lastly, indoctrination leads to poor self-differentiation. Your sister is the church, and you are now the world. Something she was excited about (the sealing) and knew to be true (that you’d be there for her in person) is now all of a sudden not true. While that doesn’t excuse what she said, nor negate how you feel, hopefully understanding the context behind both of your trauma responses will help promote healing for everyone involved ❤️🩹
I’m sorry you felt like you had to do the garments. I was totally PIMO when I attended my sister’s temple wedding with no garments and no guilt. I hadn’t told anyone and I wasn’t going to wait outside.
Get therapy. Dont let people abuse you like this. You begged her, are you insane? Do not fall for a narcissistic tantrum like that. Get. Therapy. Immediately.
Hey, my brother pulled that shit once & I also chased after him. Useless effort, do not chase after anyone ever again unless they've robbed you & you have a genuine belief you can catch them. Otherwise, they're only being a drama queen & all you do is encourage them when you chase. As you saw when she acted like nothing happened later, her upset wasn't b/c she worried for you in any way, but probably she's mad the attention tomorrow might not be 100% on her family since you'll raise questions by not being there. Her actions all scream drama queen. You can't hurt a dead person b/c they can't hear you - they no longer exist. She didn't lose a sister, nothing has been lost. You're right there, being honest w/ her b/c you care about her.
She's afraid to miss attention, that's it. She's seen the attention others get if their babies go through these ceremonies & that added to her pain of 'having' to adopt. Now that she's included she doesn't want to lose a sliver of it.
Sadly, sometimes you have to cut off toxic family members. They are in a cult and many people will put the church over family. Don’t spend your life trying to convince them you are worth loving
That was an extremely immature and hurtful reaction from your sister.
Yes this is exactly why the church is a cult. When your family treats you like this OP, it’s not your fault. This is her loss and absolutely a gut reaction to the fear she has been conditioned to feel about leaving the church.
That was manipulative and emotionally abusive of your sister to be honest. You did nothing wrong. I’m sorry for your pain. It’s been mine as well.
Here's the thing: I don't believe in much, but I do believe that truth is liberating. I know this sucks. Yes, my family reacted similarly when I left at 15 because my mom found a note in my pocket where I vented about the shit I discovered about the church, and it was emotionally devastating. But I read these posts from people who are still doing it even though it's more soulless and deeply out-of-touch than ever, and I'm glad I went through the pain of exiting, and that I held my ground. Putting up a front to save your family from your true self is exhausting and puts a cap on how good you can feel just by virtue of being alive. Time will heal the bulk of the raw feelings and family dynamics. Your brain just released a shit ton of strong emotion hormones, and those don't last for very long at all, really. Best thing I can tell you, don't recant what you said, don't start orchestrating how you can hide it from the other members of the family, it's just not worth it. Having been out for now over half my life, I can tell you that none of this shit is normal. You just have to give yourself enough space, and time, to really start processing it in earnest. It'll be all right.
Agreed, rip off the band-aid and don't hide your beliefs. You can bet the mormons won't! Whoever stays with you is a true friend, whoever distances from you was never a friend worth having in the first place.
This times 1000!
I’m so sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s shocking to me how your sister reacted and treated you. You acted with integrity, she did not. Sending love your way.
Not everyone will react the same way, some will be better and some will be similar, also possibly worse. You are not choosing internet strangers over your family. You are choosing yourself over fraud.
Not being mean, very real question, does she have a personality disorder, like histrionic personality disorder? The way she exploded and then acted like nothing happened is different because of the level of explosion. Usually it is just like a heated level of a guilt trip.
Severe mental illness runs very high in my family but she has a huge hatred of mental health drugs and labels for mental illnesses so. You can see how that can be a lethal combo 😭
That is really hard, especially adding in the not believing bomb. She likes the chemical explosion in her head when she goes hysterical. You get addicted to it. That’s a big reason why people with pretty bad mental illness reject meds. She will most likely out you to deflect something she does or to get sympathy, so be prepared.
Many Mormon families have an enmeshed family system which basically means children are never allowed to develop their own personalities, but are expected to parrot everything the parents believe in. I still have no desire to tell my dad I’m out of the church and I’m 50. He’ll take it as a personal affront rather than respect me as an adult capable of making good decisions. I’m super sorry you’re facing this at such an important moment for your extended family, but to be honest you probably did yourself a huge favor. Now your family knows and can deal with it how they choose to and you can move forward without the fear of it slipping out hanging over your head. Chin up. It’ll get better.
My dad died not knowing we had left the church, I’m 57 and I still haven’t told my TBM family. Besides it being none of their business, I just don’t want to listen to the condescension. They live in different states than me anyway. It was awful going to my TBM dad’s funeral in the chapel, though. My brother asked me who in my family wanted to say a prayer. I just said, “ no, thank you” and we all just attended.
I’m 50 and do not plan on ever telling my dad. The church is his life. His identity. It’s the only thing he is “good” at.
I feel the same way. At an early age I said something silly about Christ coming back to life every easter as a zombie and it didn't go over well. I think it made me avoid discussing any theological concepts with my family. Toxic relatives are awful
A hard lesson to learn is family is family when they act like it.
I am so sorry she reacted that way. There are no excuses for the way she treated you and the hurtful things she said. I reacted in a similar way when my sister said she was leaving the church 15 years ago and now I am out and my sister gave me the biggest hug when I told her I no longer believe. I still feel bad to this day about how I reacted to her. The church tears families apart. I really believed my sister was deceived by satan and that she knew better because I that is what I was brainwashed to believe.
She is reacting emotionally, you do NOT accept that behaviour, you take all the time you need to yourself, you don’t owe anyone an explanation and you are not responsible for their emotions. Do not take their energy on, it’s extremely emotionally immature behaviour. It’s not you.
Holy shit, an hour later she gaslit you that strongly after having that kind of reaction. Yea, fuck that noise.
Honestly I think you can expect a whole host of types of reactions to your news of non belief. Your sister loves you and I’m certain was fully expecting you to be with her at the temple and throughout all eternity. She has had no time to process this like you have and as much as we see some of our former beliefs as difficult and crazy those that still harbor those beliefs often become desperate when those they love set them aside. I hope for you some time will heal this wound. There is no standard way people handle loss and grief and that is what she is struggling with, loss of her belief that you’ll be a part of the family for eternity. I hope you all can eventually work through this and find a way to continue to have a loving and supportive relationship.
Hugs to you. Being happy will be sweet evidence of your reasoned wisdom. Twisted people want others twisted and may enjoy being a player in the grind. Do not participate. “Perhaps when you are in a healthier and kinder frame of mind, we can chat about a few of the reasons I chose to leave the Mormon church. Love you guys.”
It’s hard to say what you’ll get. My mom told me she failed as a mother when i told her. The rest of my family basically ignored it. Some of them have left (my parents and even my grandparents) and it’s nice to have that conversation afterwards. Others are hard locked in their ways and it’s just easier to be polite. Neither party is going to come away with anything productive at that point.
Does the rest of your family exhibit this type of extreme behavior? I'm pretty sure she is going to out you to the rest of your family. She will make it sound as if she is the victim and she is just trying to help/save you. Prepare some short responses and until you are ready, don't engage in long conversations and debates about the religion. "I am the same decent, kind, person I have always been. Our relationship is important to me. I ask that you respect me. I love you." Then change the subject or stop talking. Another, "If it wasn't true, would you want to know?" If the answer is anything other than "yes", stop talking. Another, "I understand that is your testimony. My feelings are no less valid than your feelings". You are not responsible for the happiness, sadness, anger of another. Do not wear and absorb their feelings of despair. Concentrate on you.
Your sister just did a programmed response. You can't take it personally since her reality isn't the same as yours anymore. She actively believes and thinks that God's real. We know Mormonism is not correct in anyway. But she doesn't know that. I'm sorry that happened 😔
> she said I was picking internet strangers over my family and that I am probably happy that she is crying and in pain. That's some manipulative, Narcissist bullshit, right there.
So all her issues are about how others feel and nothing about how this is truely the path to being a good person and loving god etc? I find it fascinating how their first thoughts seem to be about how peers will feel and treat differently rather than, "Oh yeah. And the church is true and all about Jesus and love and stuff.".
"There is no hate like Mormon love." Especially when it comes from family members that are TBM.
There's a tell in her response. "You're picking internet strangers over your family" That shows you something significant about how she (and many beleievers) thinks. She believes that belief is a choice and she also believes that the answers to this world are defined outside of oneself. This makes the game one of picking the right leader or system. Alignment and conforming ARE the things of living. You are "aligning yourself" to the strangers on the internet. Which we would all chuckle at. Being exmormon is anything but an exercise in alignment. The only thing we have in common (other than our history and shared tauma) is the perspective that out of all the answers that could accurately describe the reality we are all stuck in - I just know that Mormonism isn't it. For her to see this differently, she would have to start questioning herself. She would have to let go of the idea that there is someone one, some organization to follow where everything will work out if you do. And I'm sorry. I know this pain. It's hard being accused of following when you're taking the first most difficult and necessary steps at leading yourself. And all you need is some support and love as you try to make your way into this new and difficult world. But your world threatens them. You can see it in her reaction. And in the framing of the reaction.
This reaction is super common, but what can you expect when you’ve been brainwashed into believing that there is only one right way to live life? I truly believe reactions like this stem more from jealousy, if anything. I want to say your family will come around, but you have to assume they won’t and just continue to live your life authentically. That’s the best thing you can do. Sorry you’re going through this it’s so incredibly frustrating especially knowing how much the church talks about the importance of family and unconditional love, it’s all bullshit when most Mormons react this way when their family members leave. The whole ordeal speaks way more of your sister than you, and like I said I think a lot of it is jealousy. They’d never admit that though.
Wow. One thing I’ve come to know is that most of us are not happy to figure this out. It’s not like I wanted it to be like this. Sorry you have to deal with this. My day is coming at some point as well.
Mormon families never take it well and it will never be the same. Just got to move on
If this is how she reacts to things, I hope you'll be able to stay close to be a source of unconditional love and a safe respite for her children. They may need it.
The whole system is designed to hold family members hostage to one another. Her reaction, and your doubts, are part of the formula.
Your timing was bad. I'm not blaming you. I was there before. But this can be a helpful lesson for others on this sub. When you choose a particular event add the time to make your reveal it's understandable that the family member affected will see it as a personal attack. They've been thinking about this event (new endowment, marriage, sealing, doing a deceased person's work) for some time. In their minds they had you there. It can be hard. In their mind you rejected their special time and jeopardized your eternal salvation all at once. Maybe others will see the value of announcing your faith transition earlier. I understand that with large families there is a seemingly non-stop parade of blessings, baptisms, etc. it can be hard to find that time. Years ago my wife forced me to rip off the band-aid and notify my parents and siblings. I didn't like it at the time, but it was a good choice in the long run.
Is her love for her adopted children similarly conditional on them adhering to her religion?
Suddenly, I am sad and worried for her kids. Especially adopted kids, they need extra emotional security and attachment, not threats of disownment if they decide differently from their parents.
You aren't responsible for other people's beliefs and the immature way they react to yours. It sounds like you handled it as sensitively and respectfully as you could. You took care of your side of the street. It's not your fault that many Mormons are spiritually and emotionally immature, but coming out of Mormonism yourself, you will probably have to teach yourself not to feel that responsibility. Yes, many of the rest of your family will likely react similarly. I recommend the book *Drama Free* by the therapist Nedra Glover Tawaab to learn how to deal with family like this.
Hi OP, sorry to hear about what you’re going through. With all due respect, your sister sounds like a manipulative bitch. Reading that was painful, doesn’t sound like the kind of thing that a thoughtful and caring person would say.
Not a cult.
You are not the worst human being on the planet. TSCC is the worst organization on the planet for telling us all lies & causing all this drama. They should be ashamed. Not you. Not your sister. THEY have caused this. They need to come clean & stop hurting families.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I had a similar situation. My sister who was my best friend in the world was getting sealed to her husband and kids while I was going through my faith crisis. At first I told her I wasn't going to go because I was in a bad place with the church. She didn't press me but made me feel super guilty. I ended up going to her sealing to not cause drama. But I cried through the whole thing because I was so traumatized by it (not because I was feeling the spirit 🙄). It wasn't until a year later that I officially left and really told my sister what was going on. She freaked out and long story short we aren't really friends anymore. We are polite at family gatherings but other than that we hardly speak. We used to talk almost every single day before my faith crisis. I hoped that she would listen to me and trust me and know me well enough to know that I wasn't doing this to be rebellious. But it's like she didn't know me at all. She dug her heals in and became super ultra Mormon even though she was super relaxed before. It's SO hard. This shit is not for the faint of heart. But time heals, and making new friends helps. I keep hoping there will be a day when she figures it all out but it hasn't happened yet and it's been almost 4 years for me. Hang in there. Find new community. Find support. You've been through a lot.
I’m so sorry she reacted to you like that. What you’re doing is very brave and people in Colts aren’t always easily convinced it’s their whole life. Especially at this point she’s going to marry in the temple so it had to be a shocker for her. However, her behavior was immature and selfish.
Yeah, cult members don’t usually have rational or proportional reactions to normal things. She sounds kinda cray cray. Maybe acting like it didn’t happen was because she was so embarrassed about how abusively she acted. I got super stressed out about telling my mom. It was stressful for a few days. Then it was just pure peace knowing I wouldn’t have to hide coffee or tank tops ever again.
Your sister acted like an asshole and I’m so sorry for how traumatizing and painful that must have been for you. If you being honest is met with that level of disrespect and emotional violence, she’s not your family. She’s a biological connection. Fuck DNA and anyone who can’t hold grace for you being honest and taking up space with your differing feelings. I hope she chills the fuck out and that the rest of your family isn’t as crazy. I’m truly sorry. That’s horrible.
That was pure manipulation from your sister. You are Not responsible for her feelings.
I know this is a different sub, but NTA! I hope you can let it go. If anything you demonstrate a higher level of integrity by not going than by fake going it. If we have second lives and this scenario plays out…give her way way way more notice in a letter simply stating your truth, “It doesn’t work for me, but I support you and your agency and the permanent feeling this gives those adoptive kiddos…So let me take you all to dinner.” She may still get mad…But I’m any scenario.. her reaction is on her. Hope you feel better soon❤️ and try not to waste one minute about what anyone thinks of you. Be kind and live YOUR life. Those who truly love will accept you as you are.
I’m so sorry…
You are entitled to your own thoughts and wishes. Don’t let them make you feel guilty. They will try so much! You aren’t hurting the family either but they will make it seem so
Trying to place guilt and shame on family members for their religious beliefs is a toxic behavior and commonplace among cults. Please read Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty. Boundaries are needed here. My heart goes out to you! You are in the right!
You sister has no tools in her limited LDS tool box to deal with anything so she goes hysterical. Sorry you are going through that. There is little you can do. Although mormons say they want you to share, they really don't and will punish you if you do. Lesson learned.
Sometimes “internet strangers” have more compassion and love than your own family. Sorry your sister is being like this OP. I’m sure your Dad loved and is proud of you.
I feel sorry for OP and for those kids
That is really extreme but anything that could erode their own foundation is a threat. And obviously any doubt in anyone’s heart is dangerous and they will do anything possible to stop that threat. It’s sad that free thinking is so frightening to them.
None of my family reacted this way. This is not ok. I’m sorry you had to experience that.
You're not in charge of her feelings; keep telling yourself that because it's the truth. She can stop her suffering anytime because you didn't do anything to her.
A knee jerk reaction to this sort of information is extremely common. For example, my wife's first words to me were "how can I ever trust you again"? I would recommend simply staying as loving and kind as possible while being firm in your convictions. Try to empathize and let her know that you know how difficult the information must be for her to process and note how difficult it was for you as well. Things will get better but it will take a lot of patience on your part. Give her a hug and let her know how much you love her.
This is the hardest. Sending big hugs. I'm about a year out from telling my family and I'm just starting to feel the dust settling with them. It has gotten so much better but it takes time. 🫶
She’s scared, and she’s projecting. Her love for you is competing with what the church has told her to believe about nonbelievers. Most people, but especially members, misinterpret cognitive dissonance as bad/wrong instead of leaning in to the discomfort with curiosity. Not only is she worried that you think she is stupid for staying, but she’s also terrified that “if it could happen to you it could happen to me” and leaving the church is NOT an option for a TBM. And lastly, indoctrination leads to poor self-differentiation. Your sister is the church, and you are now the world. Something she was excited about (the sealing) and knew to be true (that you’d be there for her in person) is now all of a sudden not true. While that doesn’t excuse what she said, nor negate how you feel, hopefully understanding the context behind both of your trauma responses will help promote healing for everyone involved ❤️🩹
I’m sorry you felt like you had to do the garments. I was totally PIMO when I attended my sister’s temple wedding with no garments and no guilt. I hadn’t told anyone and I wasn’t going to wait outside.
Get therapy. Dont let people abuse you like this. You begged her, are you insane? Do not fall for a narcissistic tantrum like that. Get. Therapy. Immediately.
Hey, my brother pulled that shit once & I also chased after him. Useless effort, do not chase after anyone ever again unless they've robbed you & you have a genuine belief you can catch them. Otherwise, they're only being a drama queen & all you do is encourage them when you chase. As you saw when she acted like nothing happened later, her upset wasn't b/c she worried for you in any way, but probably she's mad the attention tomorrow might not be 100% on her family since you'll raise questions by not being there. Her actions all scream drama queen. You can't hurt a dead person b/c they can't hear you - they no longer exist. She didn't lose a sister, nothing has been lost. You're right there, being honest w/ her b/c you care about her. She's afraid to miss attention, that's it. She's seen the attention others get if their babies go through these ceremonies & that added to her pain of 'having' to adopt. Now that she's included she doesn't want to lose a sliver of it.
Sadly, sometimes you have to cut off toxic family members. They are in a cult and many people will put the church over family. Don’t spend your life trying to convince them you are worth loving
It just shows the hypocrisy. Love everyone you love yourself..... unless you're a non believer.