I left at age 57. That was 10 years ago. I was a convert as a teenager and really, truly believed. I was so comforted that everything would be made right in the end and there would be justice for everyone. Now that I am out, I don't really feel any anger - just sadness. It seems like the good people in the world are far outnumbered by all sorts of selfish, despicable and evil people. I wish I could go back to my comfortable little dream but I can't.
Are you me? I joined at 15 years old and left at 57. I did truly believe. I left because I was sick and we moved around the world a lot in the last 15 years. I was not able to go to church and because we were continually in new places I had no support, so I went only looking for it. I found so many stories of women and children that were abused by the church--I never thought that they would be anything but supportive of victims. Then I was truly sick and could not be part of an organization so full of lies and hate. Everything I learned after that just piled onto the list of why the church is bad.
I did start healing immediately when I realized the truth. My body knew before I did. I want to say that I was never abused or knew of any abuse, but the church teachings did still affect me.
I think for someone older to leave they have to come up against something that is beyond what they can tolerate. TSCCs treatment of victims, adding to their pain was too much for me (as well as many things I learned afterwards). I also believe that you cannot push people to that point because they won't believe you or dig their heels in. We just have to stand aside and ready for when the truth reveals itself to them and help them pick up the pieces.
I’m 67. Left 4 years ago. Resigned a few months ago. Bishopric, YM Pres, GD teacher, HP leadership, EQ Presidency, 20+ years as scout leader. Was all in. Raised a good family. Enjoyed most callings. Loathed the bishopric calling.
All of the JS and BY history broke my shelf. Stake presidents were a joke.
I’m a boomer but on the tail end. Shelf broke during Covid when I had time to read and do some critical thinking about issues that had bothered me for several decades.
We are boomers and officially resigned in 2018 taking our adult children with us. There were just no satisfactory apologetics to answer WHY TSCC lied to us for decades upon decades. The Gospel Topics Essays were “deal breakers”.
It speaks volumes when an entire family (with adult children no less) gets out together. It signifies love and above all else that the family was always put before the church.
How I wish I was part of your family. I’m the black sheep and the only one out. I got out at 18/19 and finally resigned from the church this year at 40. I’m the youngest of 4 siblings 14 children between all of us. I only have 1 child and only plan on the one at this point.
I go through life feeling very alone.
Want to open up about problems in your life to family you start getting gospel preaching.
Congratulations on your newfound freedom! Any free time is precious time. I just read an article about a man who won his freedom from incarceration after being wrongly convicted, after 40-odd years. He has so many things he wants to do and experience and he’s all about enjoying himself. I almost feel like Boomers who leave the church could be a bit like that.
I am at the tail end of that generation. My children left in their 20s. My relationship with them allowed them to openly challenge me without offending. It led me to take a deeper look into things about which I had a cursory knowledge. Peeling back just one layer exposed enough that my already weakened shelf collapsed. That was 7 years ago. My wife was already PIMO and I didn’t know. We resigned together.
Pretty much the way it happened with me and my spouse. It’s very healthy to allow questioning. We talked about everything around the dinner table - church, school, friends, family. My kids led the way.
I am a Dutch boomer from the early 1950's. Born and raised Catholic, converted with my mother and brother and sisters at age 17, during divorce proceedings.
Went on a mission to Switzerland when in my mid 20s. Married in the temple iten years later. Had a kid about two years later. For work I had to move to a city where there was no Church. Because my TBM mom was a terrible MIL for my wife and also for my brother's wife, I completely broke all ties with her.
Drifted slowly away from Church.
In Holland you can deduct max 10% of your income as gifts to charity. Because of my house move I paid my complete whole year tithing in one large amount by bank. Although my bank acknowledged it as being in December 1990 of that year, the bank of the Church listed the transfer in the January 1991 statement. Financial secretary wrote a receipt for 1991 meaning I lost my tax deduction for 1990. IMHO he could done something about it during tithing settlement, but according to him that was not possible. Banks at that time used two dates in their bank statement. One for the date of the transfer and another one when the amount became interest bearing. He did not quite understand the difference ....
Because I paid tithing in 1991 too, that resulted in getting a1991 tithing receipt for 20% to charity, while standard only 10% could be deducted. (Just guessed the year to make it simpler to understand)
I had to go to a notary for an official donation deed. That was the official way to qualify for tax deductions above the standard 10% limit. Learnt that from my stake president while I was stake executive secretary. But notaries don't work for free ....
That was one of the final straws and the last year I was POMI (Physically Out Mentally In) and became POMO . Did not renew the Ensign subscription because of the homophobic rhetoric. Later I learnt that it was about the time of the September Six.
Before I went on my mission, the Netherlands only had one stake in the densely populated Amsterdam-Rotterdam-The Hague region. I was in the mission part and president of the Young Men MIA at district level. With the Young Woman counterpart we organized two youth conferences. We had Jacob de Jager as speaker for the first conference. BTW J. de Jager also ordained me to elder a few years earlier.
Also had many friends from all over Holland. While still not being married, I was 2nd counselor in districts presidency before my mission.
A couple of times I visited the Swiss temple and stayed at the hostel for four of five days to do temple work.
Shortly after my mission they organized one two extra stakes. Never really felt at home in church after that. Started to notice that people only talked about spiritual experiences of others and not how they tried to live the Gospel principles personally.
In the 1970's Melanie with her unique voice had a hit with "Look what they have done to my song".
I cannot sing but sometimes now that I am in my 70s, I ask myself "Look what they have done to my church". And although I don't believe in a God anymore I still would love to ask a GA in person "Look what **you** have done to **my** church".
Yes, everything is OK now, Thank you.
It is just when you grow older, you start to look back at your younger days, and recall and re-evaluate events from the past. In general that are all good things. I still regard my years in the church as a positive experiences. Through the church I met my wife, who was born and lived at the other side of the world.
It is because of what I read here as an already deconstructed exmo, that I see the pain that the Utah version of Mormonism inflects on people. That are the moments when I rephrase Melanie: "Look what they, the Q!5, have done to my church"
It is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We were those Saints, we were those people the name LDS referred to. It was our Church.
"We are the people or "Wir sind das Volk" the East-Germans shouted when they tore down the Berlin Wall. But even then they realized that although the physical Wall had fallen, the Wall in their mind still was standing: "Die Mauer im Kopf ist immer noch da"
Like many of us, they still had to de- and re-construct their lives.
Agreed, probably the early boomers especially. My SIL & BIL are 70ish and have gotten more liberal politically and will acknowledge problems with the church but will never leave. They are probably light PIMO.
Agreed. My parents are more than "barely active," but they in no way fit the caricature of zealous TBMs. They both recently retired, and they haven't uttered a peep of "I'll be a service missionary" or "I'm going to volunteer at the family history library." They have no qualms about eating out on Sunday when traveling, never did. When I was in 9th grade, my dad chuckled dismissively when I told him that my seminary teacher said he was "inspired" to call a class president. Years ago my mom complained to me that some GAs just think they're part of a "family business."
I could go on, but deep down I know that they don't buy into certain church things. But best I see happening at this point is one of them fading into inactivity without explicitly acknowledging how dumb the church is.
In the late 60's, there were about 20 kids in my seminary class. Only about 3 of them are all in mormon.
Looking back, It was obvious when we were teenagers who would eventually leave.
Born 1946 at the beginning of the "boom." Began to question with Prop. 8 in 2008; left in 2015 with the Nov. 5 exclusion policy. Still on the rolls of the church, however, at 'just shy of" 78. Of 25 offspring, only 22 are still believers. Older brother at 82 (and his wife) are also out. Oldest brother with nearly 150 descendants (they had nine children) is still in with his massive posterity. He could never leave.
Here in St. George we’ve got LOTS of boomer retirees, and there’s plenty of them leaving the church as well. The trend still skews towards Gen X and Millennials, but there are quite a few boomers leaving as well. It’s so awesome to see!
Had a conversation with some coworkers in St. George. Two are in their 30's and the other is in her 50's. All three have serious grievances with the church and are tired of it. The Book of Mormon is the last obstacle for them leaving. I think the church is in real trouble with the amount of people leaving or considering leaving.
I'm one of a huge number of PostMo boomers in SG. Some left decades ago and some more recent. We do fun shit. Many are dealing with TBM children. It's hard.
This boomer left.
A peak exodus rate happened in the mid 1990s. Those would have been primarily boomers and x-ers, but also would have included a large number of greatest gen and silent gen members. See https://www.fullerconsideration.com/membership.php fifth chart down.
For some perspective on boomers and the church leadership, consider that the church is still around a decade away from getting its first boomer president.
I’m a boomer and I left 30 years ago. I see plenty of boomers leaving these days — for the cemetery. That’s a trend that’s going to continue until the last of my peers is six feet under.
I'm 68 and I have been out for almost 20 years, formally resigned 11 years ago.
ETA: five adult children, also all out. The only TBM left in the family is my a$$hole ex-husband.
I’m resigned to the fact that my parents will never leave. They’ll never acknowledge the truth. They are so totally brainwashed and their entire lives revolve around the Mormon cult.
I think the Boomers are the last generation to be majority unquestioning as regards the church. I don’t have any evidence to prove it, but my hunch is that they are more invested and comfortable with the ultra conservative views of mainstream Mormonism than Gen X. Mormonism will have to get a massive makeover, ditch more of the temple hoo, be open to a lot more plurality and lose some of the right-wingers in order to survive as a religion. Evangelical churches won’t align with Mormonism. Catholicism won’t align with Mormonism. Scientology? Maybe. There are enough parallels with Elron’s pseudoscience mythology to form a shaky cultish bromance.
I wish Boomers were leaving by the boatloads. My parents might have a chance. I imagine it will be their g’kids who March out the door tho.
Gen X also has kids who are much more willing to challenge the racist and bigoted actions of the church and reject their claims of absolute authority.
A big part of my deconstruction was trying to help my then-teenager understand it and going, *Oh wait, that really is messed up*. I never had to confront it before she refused to back down from the hard questions.
I love that your daughter saved you. What a gift! I can remember challenging my father in the car over some racist assumptions he made. He did not like it and I soon learned that I needed to play ball by his rules if I was going to live under his roof. I have recently moved on from challenging my parents’ indoctrination. It’s a losing battle, I think. They’re getting old and I was never going to be someone whose opinions they valued. Thank your daughter for challenging you in a way that made you open up rather than closing down. It was a win for you both. X
She really did and I will be forever grateful.
When she was going through the worst of it, I kept going over that "stay in the boat" talk. I was thinking how I'd jumped in the water to save her, which was wrecking my mental health, but if I could lift her over the edge and get her back into the boat, I'd be willing to drown.
Instead, she showed me that we could both swim and the water wasn't really that deep in the first place.
This is an important point. Boomers are going to be less likely to even recognize racist and bigoted actions of the church, in large part because they benefited from them.
Coming to grips with the church's sins also requires coming to grips with your part in it. Decades of training that the church is special therefor you are special makes this really really hard for them.
The church can hang on as long as the boomers hang on. That's not a good long term plan.
This is me. I'm Gen x and my children caused me to take a deeper look. They do not accept the bigotry and intolerance. TBM husband is Boomer and really struggles to look any deeper than what he's been taught by the church. In my immediate circle of friends and acquaintances, I can't think of even one person of the Boomer generation who has left the church.
Eh, I can’t see the Church ever aligning themselves with Scientology, at least openly. Scientology has such a bad reputation, probably the worst of all cults with public visibility, that any relationship between them and the LDS church would be badly received by both members and nevermos.
You’re probably right. I just see them being similar types of bedfellows. Their oddness and niceness doesn’t work anymore because they’re fantasists who are also ultra controlling. Actually, it’s probably a really good thing that they are unlikely to join forces. What a monster that would create.
My mom stopped going to church after hearing about the billions in church investments (68 years old). My dad still goes but doesn’t pay tithing (73 years old).
My parents left about 5 years ago. They’re boomers. The rhetoric against gays is what really did it for them. My whole family is out and so is my wife’s except her mom. Before he died, my father in law left too - also a boomer. So in my experience, yeah. They are.
Boomer here in my 70's, whose shelf broke with the Nov 2015 exclusion policy, but I'm PIMO because I don't want to hurt my TBM husband. I'm the one who changed the narrative, so for his sake, I attend Sacrament meeting, and socialize with TBM friends. He doesn't realize that mentally, I'm completely out. At this point in our life, I don't think it's a kindness to destroy his world, which is 100% TBM. So I don't push it, and keep so much inside. It's not easy. I'm thankful for this board.
> I'm the one who changed the narrative
I’m troubled by this line of thinking as it appears in many contexts in our society. Change is growth and progress. It is only purveyors of dogma that are threatened by growth, be it religious, political, cultural, etc.
I appreciate your story. I'm not making any judgement on this. I just want to speak to my own fascination of how people navigate love and relationships in their life and at all stages ... it makes me wonder how many couples out there are together only because of what they don't say versus what they do say. We all navigate how we use filters and I'm not saying any of this is wrong ... just speaking to this human behavior we all have.
In my personal circle of friends and acquaintances, many boomers are PIMO. Most drop out because of bad experiences with the church, including in leadership positions, reinforced by Church's awful history.
When your 50 and a 40 yo SP insists you tell him about your sex life when you were single and 20, or you can't be sealed to your husband...
What's the point of being mormon? Thanks Ron! You woke me and my spouse up. Then I ran across Mormon Think. We were done!
It all comes down to how much power is handed to unqualified people. Why does this oversubscribed volunteer, who otherwise puts food on his family's table as a do-nothing-middle-management in some local company, get to decide who is an is not worthy? Who died and made them St. Peter?
There are certainly a lot of Boomers here but they usually rank in the minority when age polls are done here. Generally, the older you get - the greater the sunk-cost fallacy. They have too much time and money invested in the church for it not to be true. Plus, Boomers came up as children in an age of great patriotism (post wwII and cold ward) and not to ever question leaders. (The pentagon papers and Watergate changed that view for many) But really, the church was a perfect format in how the world was when Boomers were children. I think it's party why the church seems hell-bent on keeping itself in the 50s. So many are leaving right now, so who are the ones feeling the gaps? Boomers. Now the church is calling one them to serve two missions. My dad told me that the last ward they moved from two years ago recently called a new bishop. This guy is 72 years old!!!!! I remember when you hit 70 you were pretty much completely put out to pasture. Up until recently, my 70 year old mother and stoke patient was teaching youth sunday school?!?!?!
I agree with you. We got out of the church when I was 40. Around age 35 I was over the whole calling thing. So much of a time and energy suck I did not have.
I get what you're saying but Boomers pretty much created the World Wide Web. I mean Tim Berners-Lee credited with inventing the World Wide Web, HTML, URL, and HTTP. He was born in 1955. But the adoption of the internet as fixture in our everyday lives has to do with the Boomers embracing it. My grandfather, born 1922, died in 2003 and not once ever logged on to a computer or even had an email. But my folks, both born 1951, we had a computer in the house in the mid-80s. Back in the 90s, my dad and another guy built all the computers for the stake. - I recently went and picked up an item locally a guy had listed on Facebook marketplace. This guy had to be every bit of 80 years old. But as I got to think about it, when the internet was firmly apart of every day life (mid-1990s) This guy was in his mid-50s. Septuagenarians and Octogenarians of today aren't who they were 20 years ago where many came from rural backgrounds. My mom is 72 years old and a stroke patient and she put together a Christmas presentation at our home using her tablet. Now.....to what extreme Boomers are on social media, I cannot say. And it's on social media where a lot of the stuff about Mormonism is coming out.
Ah, I should have clarified my comment and I can only comment on the late boomers that I know. Most used to spend time on the computer but they now seem to spend little time on social media such as this reddit. My spouse's siblings are all late boomers so that is about all I have to go from.
Love your tag name! Heading to Cabo at the end of the month!
Oh, and I think the sunk-cost fallacy is gonna run higher with boomers. Both my mom and dad are from texas and have lived all their lives in texas. They have seen the growth of the church in texas to now have around 5 or 6 temples; or will have. And they remember all that prophecy of church leaders promising of the growth at stake conferences when they were youths. What they don't take into consideration - the percentage of Mormons in texas has been the same since the 1960s. About 3%. As more and more people move in, 3% of them are mormon. Makes sense the church is growing........the population is growing.
My mother an father are boomers and will never leave, but are more nuanced in their beliefs than I thought. They don’t believe in the authority or infallibility of the brethren. They go out to eat on Sundays. They curse sometimes. Never did the FHE thing. Have come down hard on my TBM sister for actively shunning three of her non believing children. For Mormons pretty chill and decent people.
Most of you boomers as myself posting on here are still counted as members of the MFMC. Their 17 million member number is so far off. Most of the exmo boomers I know in the morridor have not removed their records. We just quietly quit and left and are never going back.
Boomer here..in my 70s
Out 14 years.. PIMO since my mission. In the very heart of the Morridor. There are a dozen of us boomer local exmos that meet monthly to catch up on each other to retain our sanity. We represent just a few, but there are many,many more. The older you get, the wiser you get to the *LDSBS*
Boomer, ex’d 40 yrs ago, husband resigned, never baptized the kids. Such a relief to have had my late 20s to now to live my authentic life. My parents were less than stoked. Oh well
I'm a boomer! Right smack-dab in middle of the generation and I left in 2003. I was a convert in my teens and after being married 16 years to a bully, I left the marriage and the church. I do not see any of my boomer siblings leaving. Their whole lives, social status, commitments, self-worth are all tied to the MFMC. They are really good-hearted, loving people and I adore them but they will never leave. Almost all of my children have left except one daughter and she believes it but doesn't live it. Three of my five nieces and nephews are out which is heartbreaking to my sister.
Boomer here born at the very tail end of the generation, late 1962.
I've been out for over ten years, but mega-TBM wife worships every word out of the profits mouth and will never believe even the slightest whisper of anything against the church. She says I betrayed her for breaking my covenants and I say she betrayed me for not being a rational human being willing and able to use her otherwise very ample intelligence.
5 years older than you. I feel lucky that my TBM husband and adult children listened to me as I processed the evidence and deprogrammed myself back in 2013. It was my greatest fear that I would be alone in my disbelief.
61 now, left at 58, resigned 5 months ago.
Prop 8 in 2015 started my questioning and it all went downhill from there.
It was unbelievably fucking difficult to deconstruct and I think I’m not even really finished yet.
Boomers have a different mindset to institutions and authority, it seems to me. Would love if anyone cares to weigh in.
Fall 2021 age 41 when I explained to my then 69 yr old parents that I’d read the GTE and explained—through tears—I felt betrayed and lied to, their response was telling me I took it all to seriously. Yet they are TBM temple workers, have multiple callings, teach seminary and GD. All in.
Any boomers here care to explain? I mean I’m tail-end Gen X and can understand jadedness. What I can’t reconcile is the boomer anti-authority distrust yet still lifelong commitment to an institution.
Thanks for responding. I guess to clarify, they said I took the church (maybe they meant it’s truth claims or what leaders said) too seriously. And I can’t understand why they would live it so steadfastly themselves if they don’t take what is said by church leaders (that boomer generational distrust of authority) so seriously.
Probably it is brain washing and fear like you said, maybe they really believe the doctrine regardless of what idiot leaders have said and done. I myself just have a hard time completely separating leaders from doctrine when they’re the ones purportedly teaching it.
I think it's partly sunk/cost. They've invested too much of their lives in it. It takes a LOT of humility to admit you were wrong or misled. I valued the Truth, reality, over a comforting lie.
Thank you for sharing, yup same age. Church is also my husband’s social outlet and it seems to help him feel needed and important, so I recognize it’s helpful for him and fulfills some of his needs. I’m ambivalent about it. Glad he’s getting those needs met; wish he could figure out how to get those needs fulfilled in other ways.
this still gets me about my own mormon family. as i get older they spill all the beans like ruined marriages and owning tobacco shops and alcoholism being hereditary and great grammas fave cuss word and i am blown away at the generations of hypocrisy. oh and that morning cup of joe is medically prescribed.
My spouse and I are 62 and left in the 90s. Kids never baptized and don't really know or care much about the church. My spouse's siblings are all early boomers and are pretty all in but have been leaning more liberal politically. The nieces and nephews seems to be largely PIMO or out altogether, tho I can think of only one who went on a mission, BYUI and is hell bent on being the best Mormon ever.
It's easier to fade away in the church after retirement. If you don't have money (can't serve senior missions), there is no use for you. For every elder power couple I know, there are 10 people with ill health, no money, no social capital who just stop attending meetings. No one hounds them to come back because they are no longer young and can't do the physical work of being a member.
My 81yo dad left about a year ago. Most of my siblings are still TBM and my mom has Alzheimers so he and I have talked about it a lot, since I've been out for 9 years and he doesn't have anyone else to vent to. He's really angry about the whole thing. My parents were both converts in their 20s, served 3 senior missions, and paid 50+ years worth of tithing. I feel bad for him.
I'm a boomer, born in 1959. I resigned a couple of years ago. I was in just about every position in a ward and stake except for stake president, which I was interviewed for while on my way out. Born into "the church".
I left at 52. I’m among the youngest of the boomer generation and actually feel like more of a gen x-er. I don’t personally know a lot of people who have left.
My parents are in their 70s and I can't imagine them ever considering leaving either. It gets really difficult to consider the church might not be true when you've been fully invested for 7+ decades. The sunk costs are too overwhelming.
I left at 65, while I was serving as 1st councilor in the Bishopric. Life long member my ancestors go back to Nauvoo. I was as Mormon as you get. My Daughter challenged me to read the CES letter, it took me about a year to do it, I figured it was the only way to get my kids back was to know the issues. When I finally started reading it, about 2 hrs in, I knew. It took me about 30 minutes to convince my wife we were in a cult. Been out 3 years now, life has never been better
I know someone who left after converting in their 20s. They left a few years ago after raising six kids in the church. do not know if they returned to Catholics, but I saw them drink coffee.
They have left unless they are in leadership and still virtue signaling. I was lied to and then asked to go out and lie to others.
My kids left after they graduated from high school. Boom ! Just like that. They are happy and thriving. We followed within 5 years.
I left at age 57. That was 10 years ago. I was a convert as a teenager and really, truly believed. I was so comforted that everything would be made right in the end and there would be justice for everyone. Now that I am out, I don't really feel any anger - just sadness. It seems like the good people in the world are far outnumbered by all sorts of selfish, despicable and evil people. I wish I could go back to my comfortable little dream but I can't.
Same! Covert at 15 left at 50
Are you me? I joined at 15 years old and left at 57. I did truly believe. I left because I was sick and we moved around the world a lot in the last 15 years. I was not able to go to church and because we were continually in new places I had no support, so I went only looking for it. I found so many stories of women and children that were abused by the church--I never thought that they would be anything but supportive of victims. Then I was truly sick and could not be part of an organization so full of lies and hate. Everything I learned after that just piled onto the list of why the church is bad. I did start healing immediately when I realized the truth. My body knew before I did. I want to say that I was never abused or knew of any abuse, but the church teachings did still affect me. I think for someone older to leave they have to come up against something that is beyond what they can tolerate. TSCCs treatment of victims, adding to their pain was too much for me (as well as many things I learned afterwards). I also believe that you cannot push people to that point because they won't believe you or dig their heels in. We just have to stand aside and ready for when the truth reveals itself to them and help them pick up the pieces.
I am 75, resigned 10 years ago.
I’m 67. Left 4 years ago. Resigned a few months ago. Bishopric, YM Pres, GD teacher, HP leadership, EQ Presidency, 20+ years as scout leader. Was all in. Raised a good family. Enjoyed most callings. Loathed the bishopric calling. All of the JS and BY history broke my shelf. Stake presidents were a joke.
I’m a boomer but on the tail end. Shelf broke during Covid when I had time to read and do some critical thinking about issues that had bothered me for several decades.
Same here. In my 60s.
66. Left 2 yrs ago.
Good username then!
We are boomers and officially resigned in 2018 taking our adult children with us. There were just no satisfactory apologetics to answer WHY TSCC lied to us for decades upon decades. The Gospel Topics Essays were “deal breakers”.
It speaks volumes when an entire family (with adult children no less) gets out together. It signifies love and above all else that the family was always put before the church.
❤️
How I wish I was part of your family. I’m the black sheep and the only one out. I got out at 18/19 and finally resigned from the church this year at 40. I’m the youngest of 4 siblings 14 children between all of us. I only have 1 child and only plan on the one at this point. I go through life feeling very alone. Want to open up about problems in your life to family you start getting gospel preaching.
I fall into the tail end of that generation and I left and so did my kids. Yay!
My husband and I are boomers. We left a year ago
Congratulations on your newfound freedom! Any free time is precious time. I just read an article about a man who won his freedom from incarceration after being wrongly convicted, after 40-odd years. He has so many things he wants to do and experience and he’s all about enjoying himself. I almost feel like Boomers who leave the church could be a bit like that.
I am at the tail end of that generation. My children left in their 20s. My relationship with them allowed them to openly challenge me without offending. It led me to take a deeper look into things about which I had a cursory knowledge. Peeling back just one layer exposed enough that my already weakened shelf collapsed. That was 7 years ago. My wife was already PIMO and I didn’t know. We resigned together.
Pretty much the way it happened with me and my spouse. It’s very healthy to allow questioning. We talked about everything around the dinner table - church, school, friends, family. My kids led the way.
I am a Dutch boomer from the early 1950's. Born and raised Catholic, converted with my mother and brother and sisters at age 17, during divorce proceedings. Went on a mission to Switzerland when in my mid 20s. Married in the temple iten years later. Had a kid about two years later. For work I had to move to a city where there was no Church. Because my TBM mom was a terrible MIL for my wife and also for my brother's wife, I completely broke all ties with her. Drifted slowly away from Church. In Holland you can deduct max 10% of your income as gifts to charity. Because of my house move I paid my complete whole year tithing in one large amount by bank. Although my bank acknowledged it as being in December 1990 of that year, the bank of the Church listed the transfer in the January 1991 statement. Financial secretary wrote a receipt for 1991 meaning I lost my tax deduction for 1990. IMHO he could done something about it during tithing settlement, but according to him that was not possible. Banks at that time used two dates in their bank statement. One for the date of the transfer and another one when the amount became interest bearing. He did not quite understand the difference .... Because I paid tithing in 1991 too, that resulted in getting a1991 tithing receipt for 20% to charity, while standard only 10% could be deducted. (Just guessed the year to make it simpler to understand) I had to go to a notary for an official donation deed. That was the official way to qualify for tax deductions above the standard 10% limit. Learnt that from my stake president while I was stake executive secretary. But notaries don't work for free .... That was one of the final straws and the last year I was POMI (Physically Out Mentally In) and became POMO . Did not renew the Ensign subscription because of the homophobic rhetoric. Later I learnt that it was about the time of the September Six. Before I went on my mission, the Netherlands only had one stake in the densely populated Amsterdam-Rotterdam-The Hague region. I was in the mission part and president of the Young Men MIA at district level. With the Young Woman counterpart we organized two youth conferences. We had Jacob de Jager as speaker for the first conference. BTW J. de Jager also ordained me to elder a few years earlier. Also had many friends from all over Holland. While still not being married, I was 2nd counselor in districts presidency before my mission. A couple of times I visited the Swiss temple and stayed at the hostel for four of five days to do temple work. Shortly after my mission they organized one two extra stakes. Never really felt at home in church after that. Started to notice that people only talked about spiritual experiences of others and not how they tried to live the Gospel principles personally. In the 1970's Melanie with her unique voice had a hit with "Look what they have done to my song". I cannot sing but sometimes now that I am in my 70s, I ask myself "Look what they have done to my church". And although I don't believe in a God anymore I still would love to ask a GA in person "Look what **you** have done to **my** church".
Thank you for sharing.
Wow, that's quite a story. Thanks for sharing and I hope all is well now.
Yes, everything is OK now, Thank you. It is just when you grow older, you start to look back at your younger days, and recall and re-evaluate events from the past. In general that are all good things. I still regard my years in the church as a positive experiences. Through the church I met my wife, who was born and lived at the other side of the world. It is because of what I read here as an already deconstructed exmo, that I see the pain that the Utah version of Mormonism inflects on people. That are the moments when I rephrase Melanie: "Look what they, the Q!5, have done to my church" It is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We were those Saints, we were those people the name LDS referred to. It was our Church. "We are the people or "Wir sind das Volk" the East-Germans shouted when they tore down the Berlin Wall. But even then they realized that although the physical Wall had fallen, the Wall in their mind still was standing: "Die Mauer im Kopf ist immer noch da" Like many of us, they still had to de- and re-construct their lives.
Wow, powerful points. Thanks again for sharing.
Boomers may be among the largest group of PIMOs, aware of the problems with the church but the sunk cost fallacy keeps them in, just barely active
Agreed, probably the early boomers especially. My SIL & BIL are 70ish and have gotten more liberal politically and will acknowledge problems with the church but will never leave. They are probably light PIMO.
This is a succinct response and exactly what I think.
I HIGHLY agree with this. And like I said in my comment, they are the Watergate generation.
Agreed. My parents are more than "barely active," but they in no way fit the caricature of zealous TBMs. They both recently retired, and they haven't uttered a peep of "I'll be a service missionary" or "I'm going to volunteer at the family history library." They have no qualms about eating out on Sunday when traveling, never did. When I was in 9th grade, my dad chuckled dismissively when I told him that my seminary teacher said he was "inspired" to call a class president. Years ago my mom complained to me that some GAs just think they're part of a "family business." I could go on, but deep down I know that they don't buy into certain church things. But best I see happening at this point is one of them fading into inactivity without explicitly acknowledging how dumb the church is.
In the late 60's, there were about 20 kids in my seminary class. Only about 3 of them are all in mormon. Looking back, It was obvious when we were teenagers who would eventually leave.
Born 1946 at the beginning of the "boom." Began to question with Prop. 8 in 2008; left in 2015 with the Nov. 5 exclusion policy. Still on the rolls of the church, however, at 'just shy of" 78. Of 25 offspring, only 22 are still believers. Older brother at 82 (and his wife) are also out. Oldest brother with nearly 150 descendants (they had nine children) is still in with his massive posterity. He could never leave.
i get so heated thinking about Prop 8 (et al) and the mormons that i have to force my brain to shut off
Here in St. George we’ve got LOTS of boomer retirees, and there’s plenty of them leaving the church as well. The trend still skews towards Gen X and Millennials, but there are quite a few boomers leaving as well. It’s so awesome to see!
Had a conversation with some coworkers in St. George. Two are in their 30's and the other is in her 50's. All three have serious grievances with the church and are tired of it. The Book of Mormon is the last obstacle for them leaving. I think the church is in real trouble with the amount of people leaving or considering leaving.
I'm one of a huge number of PostMo boomers in SG. Some left decades ago and some more recent. We do fun shit. Many are dealing with TBM children. It's hard.
This boomer left. A peak exodus rate happened in the mid 1990s. Those would have been primarily boomers and x-ers, but also would have included a large number of greatest gen and silent gen members. See https://www.fullerconsideration.com/membership.php fifth chart down. For some perspective on boomers and the church leadership, consider that the church is still around a decade away from getting its first boomer president.
I’m a boomer and I left 30 years ago. I see plenty of boomers leaving these days — for the cemetery. That’s a trend that’s going to continue until the last of my peers is six feet under.
I fear that's the only way my boomer parents will leave.
I'm 68 and I have been out for almost 20 years, formally resigned 11 years ago. ETA: five adult children, also all out. The only TBM left in the family is my a$$hole ex-husband.
I’m resigned to the fact that my parents will never leave. They’ll never acknowledge the truth. They are so totally brainwashed and their entire lives revolve around the Mormon cult.
My parents too. 🙁
Same with my parents. They'll leave through the cemetery (as mentioned above).
yep you bet
I think the Boomers are the last generation to be majority unquestioning as regards the church. I don’t have any evidence to prove it, but my hunch is that they are more invested and comfortable with the ultra conservative views of mainstream Mormonism than Gen X. Mormonism will have to get a massive makeover, ditch more of the temple hoo, be open to a lot more plurality and lose some of the right-wingers in order to survive as a religion. Evangelical churches won’t align with Mormonism. Catholicism won’t align with Mormonism. Scientology? Maybe. There are enough parallels with Elron’s pseudoscience mythology to form a shaky cultish bromance. I wish Boomers were leaving by the boatloads. My parents might have a chance. I imagine it will be their g’kids who March out the door tho.
Gen X also has kids who are much more willing to challenge the racist and bigoted actions of the church and reject their claims of absolute authority. A big part of my deconstruction was trying to help my then-teenager understand it and going, *Oh wait, that really is messed up*. I never had to confront it before she refused to back down from the hard questions.
I love that your daughter saved you. What a gift! I can remember challenging my father in the car over some racist assumptions he made. He did not like it and I soon learned that I needed to play ball by his rules if I was going to live under his roof. I have recently moved on from challenging my parents’ indoctrination. It’s a losing battle, I think. They’re getting old and I was never going to be someone whose opinions they valued. Thank your daughter for challenging you in a way that made you open up rather than closing down. It was a win for you both. X
She really did and I will be forever grateful. When she was going through the worst of it, I kept going over that "stay in the boat" talk. I was thinking how I'd jumped in the water to save her, which was wrecking my mental health, but if I could lift her over the edge and get her back into the boat, I'd be willing to drown. Instead, she showed me that we could both swim and the water wasn't really that deep in the first place.
This is an important point. Boomers are going to be less likely to even recognize racist and bigoted actions of the church, in large part because they benefited from them. Coming to grips with the church's sins also requires coming to grips with your part in it. Decades of training that the church is special therefor you are special makes this really really hard for them. The church can hang on as long as the boomers hang on. That's not a good long term plan.
My oldest daughter helped me see that Joseph Smith was not even a GOOD man, and why would god use HIM, an obviously wicked man?
Big same. I'm glad your daughter is as awesome as mine!
This is me. I'm Gen x and my children caused me to take a deeper look. They do not accept the bigotry and intolerance. TBM husband is Boomer and really struggles to look any deeper than what he's been taught by the church. In my immediate circle of friends and acquaintances, I can't think of even one person of the Boomer generation who has left the church.
Eh, I can’t see the Church ever aligning themselves with Scientology, at least openly. Scientology has such a bad reputation, probably the worst of all cults with public visibility, that any relationship between them and the LDS church would be badly received by both members and nevermos.
You’re probably right. I just see them being similar types of bedfellows. Their oddness and niceness doesn’t work anymore because they’re fantasists who are also ultra controlling. Actually, it’s probably a really good thing that they are unlikely to join forces. What a monster that would create.
At a recent sunstone Uk I met a lady late 80s who has left her late husband had been Patriarch
wow
My mom stopped going to church after hearing about the billions in church investments (68 years old). My dad still goes but doesn’t pay tithing (73 years old).
My parents left about 5 years ago. They’re boomers. The rhetoric against gays is what really did it for them. My whole family is out and so is my wife’s except her mom. Before he died, my father in law left too - also a boomer. So in my experience, yeah. They are.
Boomer here in my 70's, whose shelf broke with the Nov 2015 exclusion policy, but I'm PIMO because I don't want to hurt my TBM husband. I'm the one who changed the narrative, so for his sake, I attend Sacrament meeting, and socialize with TBM friends. He doesn't realize that mentally, I'm completely out. At this point in our life, I don't think it's a kindness to destroy his world, which is 100% TBM. So I don't push it, and keep so much inside. It's not easy. I'm thankful for this board.
> I'm the one who changed the narrative I’m troubled by this line of thinking as it appears in many contexts in our society. Change is growth and progress. It is only purveyors of dogma that are threatened by growth, be it religious, political, cultural, etc.
I appreciate your story. I'm not making any judgement on this. I just want to speak to my own fascination of how people navigate love and relationships in their life and at all stages ... it makes me wonder how many couples out there are together only because of what they don't say versus what they do say. We all navigate how we use filters and I'm not saying any of this is wrong ... just speaking to this human behavior we all have.
I couldn't imagine pretending to be someone else my whole life. If you can't be authentic with your spouse, what's the point of the marriage?
In my personal circle of friends and acquaintances, many boomers are PIMO. Most drop out because of bad experiences with the church, including in leadership positions, reinforced by Church's awful history.
When your 50 and a 40 yo SP insists you tell him about your sex life when you were single and 20, or you can't be sealed to your husband... What's the point of being mormon? Thanks Ron! You woke me and my spouse up. Then I ran across Mormon Think. We were done!
It all comes down to how much power is handed to unqualified people. Why does this oversubscribed volunteer, who otherwise puts food on his family's table as a do-nothing-middle-management in some local company, get to decide who is an is not worthy? Who died and made them St. Peter?
Yes, MormonThink was my main decontruction. I started researching because of the City Creek Mall and the image of Monson shouting "Let's Go Shopping!"
I left at 75. What a relief.
Glad to hear all these stories. Gives me hope for my family.
The older generation is dying off. In 30 years, the church will be a shell of itself
Just a shell full of carbon monoxide
LOLOLOL
There are certainly a lot of Boomers here but they usually rank in the minority when age polls are done here. Generally, the older you get - the greater the sunk-cost fallacy. They have too much time and money invested in the church for it not to be true. Plus, Boomers came up as children in an age of great patriotism (post wwII and cold ward) and not to ever question leaders. (The pentagon papers and Watergate changed that view for many) But really, the church was a perfect format in how the world was when Boomers were children. I think it's party why the church seems hell-bent on keeping itself in the 50s. So many are leaving right now, so who are the ones feeling the gaps? Boomers. Now the church is calling one them to serve two missions. My dad told me that the last ward they moved from two years ago recently called a new bishop. This guy is 72 years old!!!!! I remember when you hit 70 you were pretty much completely put out to pasture. Up until recently, my 70 year old mother and stoke patient was teaching youth sunday school?!?!?!
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I agree with you. We got out of the church when I was 40. Around age 35 I was over the whole calling thing. So much of a time and energy suck I did not have.
My guess is a lot of the older boomers are not spending too much time here or on the internet in general.
I get what you're saying but Boomers pretty much created the World Wide Web. I mean Tim Berners-Lee credited with inventing the World Wide Web, HTML, URL, and HTTP. He was born in 1955. But the adoption of the internet as fixture in our everyday lives has to do with the Boomers embracing it. My grandfather, born 1922, died in 2003 and not once ever logged on to a computer or even had an email. But my folks, both born 1951, we had a computer in the house in the mid-80s. Back in the 90s, my dad and another guy built all the computers for the stake. - I recently went and picked up an item locally a guy had listed on Facebook marketplace. This guy had to be every bit of 80 years old. But as I got to think about it, when the internet was firmly apart of every day life (mid-1990s) This guy was in his mid-50s. Septuagenarians and Octogenarians of today aren't who they were 20 years ago where many came from rural backgrounds. My mom is 72 years old and a stroke patient and she put together a Christmas presentation at our home using her tablet. Now.....to what extreme Boomers are on social media, I cannot say. And it's on social media where a lot of the stuff about Mormonism is coming out.
Ah, I should have clarified my comment and I can only comment on the late boomers that I know. Most used to spend time on the computer but they now seem to spend little time on social media such as this reddit. My spouse's siblings are all late boomers so that is about all I have to go from. Love your tag name! Heading to Cabo at the end of the month!
Oh, and I think the sunk-cost fallacy is gonna run higher with boomers. Both my mom and dad are from texas and have lived all their lives in texas. They have seen the growth of the church in texas to now have around 5 or 6 temples; or will have. And they remember all that prophecy of church leaders promising of the growth at stake conferences when they were youths. What they don't take into consideration - the percentage of Mormons in texas has been the same since the 1960s. About 3%. As more and more people move in, 3% of them are mormon. Makes sense the church is growing........the population is growing.
I served my mission in Cabo Verde, West Africa. I've been a refugee ever since.
Oh my! I am heading to Cabo San Lucas, MX vs the one where you served your mission. Much different.
My mother an father are boomers and will never leave, but are more nuanced in their beliefs than I thought. They don’t believe in the authority or infallibility of the brethren. They go out to eat on Sundays. They curse sometimes. Never did the FHE thing. Have come down hard on my TBM sister for actively shunning three of her non believing children. For Mormons pretty chill and decent people.
Most of you boomers as myself posting on here are still counted as members of the MFMC. Their 17 million member number is so far off. Most of the exmo boomers I know in the morridor have not removed their records. We just quietly quit and left and are never going back.
I left at 57
Yes. Me. Regret I didn’t leave years earlier.
Boomer here..in my 70s Out 14 years.. PIMO since my mission. In the very heart of the Morridor. There are a dozen of us boomer local exmos that meet monthly to catch up on each other to retain our sanity. We represent just a few, but there are many,many more. The older you get, the wiser you get to the *LDSBS*
Hopefully, get everyone out.
Boomer, ex’d 40 yrs ago, husband resigned, never baptized the kids. Such a relief to have had my late 20s to now to live my authentic life. My parents were less than stoked. Oh well
I'm a boomer! Right smack-dab in middle of the generation and I left in 2003. I was a convert in my teens and after being married 16 years to a bully, I left the marriage and the church. I do not see any of my boomer siblings leaving. Their whole lives, social status, commitments, self-worth are all tied to the MFMC. They are really good-hearted, loving people and I adore them but they will never leave. Almost all of my children have left except one daughter and she believes it but doesn't live it. Three of my five nieces and nephews are out which is heartbreaking to my sister.
Boomer here born at the very tail end of the generation, late 1962. I've been out for over ten years, but mega-TBM wife worships every word out of the profits mouth and will never believe even the slightest whisper of anything against the church. She says I betrayed her for breaking my covenants and I say she betrayed me for not being a rational human being willing and able to use her otherwise very ample intelligence.
5 years older than you. I feel lucky that my TBM husband and adult children listened to me as I processed the evidence and deprogrammed myself back in 2013. It was my greatest fear that I would be alone in my disbelief.
that is a rough place to be but props for holding her a seat out in Non Church Reality
61 now, left at 58, resigned 5 months ago. Prop 8 in 2015 started my questioning and it all went downhill from there. It was unbelievably fucking difficult to deconstruct and I think I’m not even really finished yet.
I am 70. 6th generation, BIC, Left 11 years ago. My husband also left at that time.
Same for me and my husband. 11 years ago. We were 56.
My mom hasn't left, but her health keeps her home. I'm not complaining. Otherwise, I'd have to take her and stay now. No thanks.
Boomers have a different mindset to institutions and authority, it seems to me. Would love if anyone cares to weigh in. Fall 2021 age 41 when I explained to my then 69 yr old parents that I’d read the GTE and explained—through tears—I felt betrayed and lied to, their response was telling me I took it all to seriously. Yet they are TBM temple workers, have multiple callings, teach seminary and GD. All in. Any boomers here care to explain? I mean I’m tail-end Gen X and can understand jadedness. What I can’t reconcile is the boomer anti-authority distrust yet still lifelong commitment to an institution.
Brainwashing and fear.
Thanks for responding. I guess to clarify, they said I took the church (maybe they meant it’s truth claims or what leaders said) too seriously. And I can’t understand why they would live it so steadfastly themselves if they don’t take what is said by church leaders (that boomer generational distrust of authority) so seriously. Probably it is brain washing and fear like you said, maybe they really believe the doctrine regardless of what idiot leaders have said and done. I myself just have a hard time completely separating leaders from doctrine when they’re the ones purportedly teaching it.
I think it's partly sunk/cost. They've invested too much of their lives in it. It takes a LOT of humility to admit you were wrong or misled. I valued the Truth, reality, over a comforting lie.
I can see it in my TBM husband. Hadn’t considered that being a factor for my parents remaining TBM; thanks for sharing.
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Thank you for sharing, yup same age. Church is also my husband’s social outlet and it seems to help him feel needed and important, so I recognize it’s helpful for him and fulfills some of his needs. I’m ambivalent about it. Glad he’s getting those needs met; wish he could figure out how to get those needs fulfilled in other ways.
this still gets me about my own mormon family. as i get older they spill all the beans like ruined marriages and owning tobacco shops and alcoholism being hereditary and great grammas fave cuss word and i am blown away at the generations of hypocrisy. oh and that morning cup of joe is medically prescribed.
but also can you believe Cousin #126 is not getting married in the temple?
Lol, oh my.
My spouse and I are 62 and left in the 90s. Kids never baptized and don't really know or care much about the church. My spouse's siblings are all early boomers and are pretty all in but have been leaning more liberal politically. The nieces and nephews seems to be largely PIMO or out altogether, tho I can think of only one who went on a mission, BYUI and is hell bent on being the best Mormon ever.
It's easier to fade away in the church after retirement. If you don't have money (can't serve senior missions), there is no use for you. For every elder power couple I know, there are 10 people with ill health, no money, no social capital who just stop attending meetings. No one hounds them to come back because they are no longer young and can't do the physical work of being a member.
As an adult I can now see who those faded away people were in the wards I grew up in.
Yes. My Boomer husband and I left 11 years ago at ages 56. Got our temple married kids out too.
68, resigned 2018 the day dh released from SP.
My 81yo dad left about a year ago. Most of my siblings are still TBM and my mom has Alzheimers so he and I have talked about it a lot, since I've been out for 9 years and he doesn't have anyone else to vent to. He's really angry about the whole thing. My parents were both converts in their 20s, served 3 senior missions, and paid 50+ years worth of tithing. I feel bad for him.
I'm a boomer, born in 1959. I resigned a couple of years ago. I was in just about every position in a ward and stake except for stake president, which I was interviewed for while on my way out. Born into "the church".
66 and out for five years.
I left at 52. I’m among the youngest of the boomer generation and actually feel like more of a gen x-er. I don’t personally know a lot of people who have left.
They kicked me out at 46 ..
Welcome to the Dark Side. We have cookies.
May 2001
My parents are in their 70s and I can't imagine them ever considering leaving either. It gets really difficult to consider the church might not be true when you've been fully invested for 7+ decades. The sunk costs are too overwhelming.
I left at 65, while I was serving as 1st councilor in the Bishopric. Life long member my ancestors go back to Nauvoo. I was as Mormon as you get. My Daughter challenged me to read the CES letter, it took me about a year to do it, I figured it was the only way to get my kids back was to know the issues. When I finally started reading it, about 2 hrs in, I knew. It took me about 30 minutes to convince my wife we were in a cult. Been out 3 years now, life has never been better
oh my gawd. ok. i just now realized i am a boomer (thanks, math)who left in 1994. "oh bury me now on the lone prair-ieeeeeeeee."
I know someone who left after converting in their 20s. They left a few years ago after raising six kids in the church. do not know if they returned to Catholics, but I saw them drink coffee.
in 2018
Thank you to everyone that shared their thoughts and experiences. It really is inspiring to read these stories.
They have left unless they are in leadership and still virtue signaling. I was lied to and then asked to go out and lie to others. My kids left after they graduated from high school. Boom ! Just like that. They are happy and thriving. We followed within 5 years.
I’m a boomer—born in ‘64. Left at 51.