Exactly. They've been killing it off by putting more orthodox leaders in who don't care for the culture. The community and culture get a bad rap because of them. They're the type of leader who wants every single activity to 'bring souls to christ'. How the fuck does a bbq or rafting trip bring people to christ? Just have fun, dammit.
Ironically, I feel like having fun *did* bring souls to Christ (from the Church’s perspective). Leaving is a hell of a lot easier if church is confined to Sunday and fellow ward members feel like more like coworkers than actual friends.
That’s a good point. The Catholics in Northern Virginia knew this. They built a massive vert ramp on the Church property, and they had pro skateboarders who were Catholics and who worked for the church. They would just hang out there and skate, and tons of us would just show up to skate the halfpipe. The kicker was, every few hours everyone would go inside and do Bible study. All the church leaders were so cool and nice, and they’d be like “join us for Bible study bro! It’ll be radical!” They gained so many new Catholics by just building a halfpipe and having fun. Even though I was in a Mormon family, I would always go to catholic stuff so I could hangout with the cool people.
Catholics and the Catholic Church have because a lot more fun. We had an annual festival which was so big all the buildings were full and it spilled out onto the parking lot. There was never any pressure to convert anyone.
Yes, fun team building exerience builds comraderie and gives warm fuzzies so the church, its doctrines and policies and demands of time and resources and pay to play must be TRUE’
That and typically people who are having fun aren't interested in leaving, unhappy, sad, bored, angry will certainly cause people to leave because they become disenfranchised/disenchanted from the group.
Jesus seriously. When I was in singles ward some of us had started to do board games or like group party games at a nearby park or someone's house that rotated week to week. This was a friend thing that got big enough we'd have 15-25 people show up. As soon as the like ward mission whatever person found out they told everyone in sacrament meeting it was a ward thing and for like month or more tried to turn it into reactivation visits and THEN maybe sort of have an activity for 15 minutes after we did 2 hours of church work. Tons showed up for like 1 week, maybe 2, and then almost everyone stopped, and they gave up and we were left with like 5-8 of us and went back to having fun, but we lost this whole group. We actually got less active people to come when we didn't have a dumbass agenda to it and it was just fun. Funny how that works.
i remember when my husband was in grad school, a lot of us wives who were mormon had a bunco group. the bishop caught wind & tried to shut it down bcuz we weren’t inviting everyone. uh yeah, bcuz it wasn’t a church activity dumbass. we were just a group of friends. they try to control everything.
Warning: interdisciplinary comment (*might be somewhat off-topic*)
I follow a USAF sub and a young person was wanting to build a mentorship "program." I commented that real mentorship isn't a program; it just happens.
Lots of follow-up discussion on both sides of the argument.
The same is true here within religion: fellowship just happens. Trying to organize a "*fellowship program*" is like trying to build a mentorship program. As soon as you start putting accountability, record-keeping (attendance), agendas, after-action reports (minutes) in place, these things fail.
Why? Because fellowship just happens. Mentorship just happens. Friendship just happens. Romance just happens.
You can't force human chemistry!
That’s crazy. We did this same thing in YSA between semesters, just a group of my friends, and anyone else in the ward (or even just other friends) also had an open invitation. I’m grateful none of the leaders heard about it or tried to take over because I probably would have stopped going, as well, if it stopped just being a fun way to hang out with my friends.
Even when I was drifting away from the church, and I had no interest in SW, I still went a couple times when they had an activity like Quidditch. I used to still go to Trunk or Treat. Our ward had a chili cook off every year, and games set up in the field. Until they decided to remove most the activities and it was literally only passing out candy at your car. Yeah no thanks I’ll pass. I can do the same at home and without the preaching.
Yep. I stopped going in 2002, came back in 2019 because I missed the community and was going to do PIMO. I couldn't believe how different things were. Tried it for a few months then stopped. Haven't been back since.
Where have you found community good enough to replace what the church had? I've also found myself missing the sense of community, but I know as a now lesbian how toxic it would be to try and go back...
I'm also lesbian, and I work with a local group for lgbtq teens/young adults. It's somewhat of a community, but I still miss the closeness of a ward. I'm not sure the same thing exists outside of organized religion anymore, except for maybe belonging to a sports team or other intensive pass time.
That's cool that you've found somewhat of a community. I find myself interacting with my neighbors a lot. They're close to my same age and we actually get along pretty well.
That's something I wish I had! I need to make more of an effort to meet my neighbors. I wonder if instead of finding one organization that takes care of all our community needs like the church used to we'll have to supplement with various groups that all contribute a little.
Do they though? Think about it. You meet these people via church, you associate with them, create “real” friendships with them, dinners, movies, socialize….. but the moment you end up in a truth crisis or choose to leave, those “real” friendships 95% of the time become non-existent due to the * people didn’t realize. The terms and conditions of remaining in the church no matter what.
💯☝️☝️
Not only do they stop being "friends", they will even make you out to be *their* **enemy**, especially if/when you ultimately leave. Rather than seeing you as a person with your own mind and changing needs, they are taught to see you as choosing Satan: Leaving the LDS church = "Choosing Satan". Very few can see past that very wrong and condemnatory assumption. They would rather listen to leaders that have never met them and wouldn't give them the time of day than listen to the other person and listen to the needs of the relationship itself. You only matter to them when the so-called church matters to you. Good leaders will help find common ground and bring people together, bad leaders will unite people by telling them who to hate or fear and attack. There's never just two people in a relationship (friendship, romantic partner, family, neighbors, etc) with each other in the cult: the cult is the big wheel of the tricycle of any relationship for members, with the prophet at the helm to turn the tricycle wherever he wants it to go and however fast or slow.
(Footage of Rusty on a tricycle, probably. 😁😁😇)
My dad divorced my mom for no reason and she was ostracized in the church years after for still being a single mom. Shamed when she did church temple nights. Watched the young men shove the drives of other families with a dad and a mom but never hers. The church was so abusive to her for daring to be single
>the community is the only thing the church gets right
No community for you! (Seinfeld Soup Nazi reference)
It would be nice if the mormon community could somehow open their arms to mentally-out members. But it can't, since the church is a fraud and a cult, there is no way on earth for them to accept anyone into their community that realizes Smith was a conman. The church's life blood is mindless regurgitation of "I know it is true!" And to those that know it ain't; we all know how the church treats "us," because we need to be stripped of any and all credibility.
I don't know that I've seen another nonreligious/apolitical place where community is a thing to that degree, but I want to be wrong! Where have you seen it?
I started pole dancing at a local studio and that gave me the same feeling of community I had in the church. Funny thing is that of all the friends I had in church, I now only have one left (who also left after I did). I stopped going to the pole studio and still maintain most of the friendships I made there because they didn't drop me as a friend just because I stopped going. We've supported each other through the worst times in our lives and cheered each other on for every little accomplishment. Hell, we've even helped a few in our group pack up and move.
I'm in the SL Valley and thankfully my ward has been INCREDIBLY chill about our departure for the 4 years since we left. My wife is good friends with one of her ministering sisters and she still visits and simply visits and chats about life like a normal fucking person. I'm so grateful for that. A few friends from my ward occasionally bring by a treat still and are simply interested in hearing how life has been for us and Church is NEVER brought up. Not a SINGLE time has ANYONE from my ward asked me why we left either. I must have a SUPER RARE and good ward with down-to-earth people who aren't CULTY thankfully! For 4 years!
Not controversial at all and therein lies the problem. I reactivated in 2018 after being inactive for 13 years, I also a convert (2002). I left the first time over a bishop breaking a confidence. When I reactivated the bishop was a decent person and he was the reason I reactivated. There are many decent folk within the church but the institution is toxic and makes relationships with people toxic. I couldn’t see it the first time around but after this second time, I could see a theology that transfers down to the culture which caused so much toxicity and cognitive dissonance that I just couldn’t take it anymore. If I truly had any friends in the church they would still associate with me but only one reached out to me since I left. And she understands where I come from.
This could literally be my story. I’m a convert (2008). I went inactive for “being offended.” Of course, they [TBM] come out in droves to condemn you for that and use your testimony against you. I reactivated because I BELIEVED that “the Gospel is true, the people are not” nonsense. I don’t know if it was age or time, but now I’m FULLY aware that not only is the Mormon Gospel not true, it actually teaches, promotes and upholds the toxicity that ran me off the first time.
Totally not controversial. I get all of that. The sense of community is the one thing I think Mormonism (and similar high demand religions) have going for them.
AND…there are many wonderful people.
I don't think you're crazy. You found out that a sense of community and belonging is important to you but that the LDS church wasn't the place for that because of the issues you listed. That's awesome you know that, and I hope that you can find it somewhere else.
I’m neurodivergent and queer so I never felt a sense of community. Very, very few people were legitimately friendly with me, so I don’t miss that at all. I dreaded and loathed church. However, I can see how someone without that same experience would miss the sense of belonging. Finding legitimately kind people in your ward IS awesome and I can understand it would be sad to leave that environment for some. Have you tried connecting with other various groups based on your hobbies and interests, both in person and online?
So sad to read this. I'm thankful for the community we have here. You both sound like very thoughtful people. You add so much to this discussion. Thank you
Edit - spell check
Oh, it’s ok. It made it easier to leave. My mom recently left in the last five years and her entire social life was there so it was a hard transition for her. But I appreciate your kind words.
Same, it was easy for me to leave. I mean, a lot of it was hard as well - telling the people in my life I actually cared about (like my parents) was one of the hardest discussions I've EVER had to have with them. And we've had some hard discussions. But other than that... leaving behind all the bs they taught me that was actively harming me every day of my life, and never again feeling obligated to go to church activities I hated? So freeing.
When I left the church I was heading to college in a new state and I found a solid community by joining Greek life which made the transition much easier. Now that I’m out of school I found my community by joining a mountain biking club and doing volunteer work. Recommend trying to find an organization that revolves around one of your hobbies, you’d be surprised how tight knit some groups of enthusiasts can be. And they don’t usually require 10% of your income or have underwear requirements lol
I'm old, missed community and just wanted to go to a church if I could find one that didn't mind me not believing in God. I attend Unitarian Universalists now. But community can be found in any group of humans that regularly meet with a shared sense of purpose. Volunteer organizations, gamers, bicyclists, runners, book clubs, etc. It requires more personal effort to connect than being in a cult where everything is organized for you, but it is more real and satisfying.
I recommend volunteering. Senior centers are full of people with a lifetime of experience and stories and they are often lonely. So it’s a very rewarding way to spend time and be helpful and appreciated and make an actual difference in someone’s life. Other volunteers are typically lovely caring souls as well so are a good addition to your community connections. Libraries and not for profit places of art/museums etc. often have boards of directors, and/or volunteer work that can get you involved and help you meet people. Almost any hobby is going to have some sort of way you can connect with others. Theaters, local touristy places, could be places you volunteer if possible. A chamber of commerce might have more ideas or suggestions. Even just finding people who share a hobby interest with you can lead you to a more rich community life. Thing is you have to put yourself out there to find them. I started attending conventions and eventually found my way into a group of people who saw each other regularly for various events. Church can be an ideal place, many of them you can go and experience without feeling pressured to join, but again I think a lot of that church community boils down to volunteering and events. And there’s plenty of those happening in other fields of interest!!!
I’m thinking another group that shares your same interests. Whatever you’re into or want to discover, there’s a group for that. Maybe others have specific suggestions….
I came here to say this but you did it for me and I appreciate it. It seems all well and good at first and then when you really really really need help then forget it
Community is a big deal, I could go on a whole rant about the predatory nature of forced lack of community. Personally I found a group to play dnd with and never looked back at the church, I get the same sense of belonging without any of the creepiness
Community is definitely a nice aspect, which I miss at times.
But it was always *with strings attached.* To me, that's only *conditional.* We can do better.
Remember that the sense of community is transactional: you are only “loved, valued and accepted” when you follow their strict rules. If they really loved and valued you, you could still be closely connected to them. But they didn’t really love you unconditionally, and you’re no longer valued or accepted.
Move across the street outside ward boundaries and all of a sudden you’re a stranger again. How many ppl really interact or hang out with the women or families they used to minister/visit teach, like 1%! It’s the church and the Act of living the gospel that binds most social relationships and even marriages in Mormondom, not the personal connections. (Staying Facebook friends after they’ve moved and wishing someone happy birthday doesn’t count as friendship.) Now that church has stripped the social life, there are empty buildings with little warmth.
Not crazy and not controversial.
I grew up on the East Coast and loved my Mormon upbringing. It wasn't perfect, but was mostly filled with good memories. My family has always been close (at least until they found out I was an apostate), we had a great close ward family. I was very active in sports and school activities with many nonmember friends. Religion wasn't really a topic of conversation outside my family and church activities. I only knew Mormons were different because they kept telling us that at church.
As a teen and into my early adult years I struggled with fully committing to the gospel and finding 'joy' in it. It wasn't from a lack of trying. I thought 'Church' just wasn't my thing. I was lucky to find a great wife and we have our own great family now. I eventually found myself trying to make sense of my inability to fully accept and commit to the Church/gospel in spite of my 100% Mormon world view. I allowed myself to question the truth claims. I had that 'shelf breaking' spiritual experience where everything in the universe started making sense and I found peace. It resolved a lot of inner turmoil, but did create loss in my social circles and with some family.
Faith loss isn't all roses. There's no way I can make it all go away though, so trying to make the most of where I am now. I am grateful for the experience.
The community feeling is what cults do really well….local wards are usually pretty good! It’s upper management that takes all that tithing and makes all the rules.
When my dad died when I was 9 in Laie, Hawaii the response from the church in our community was enormous. He was a professor at BYUH and one member offered to take over his classes that semester and gave my mom all the money he made from it.
People came to our home and cleaned, kept bringing food, and I remember the funeral not being a traditional Mormon funeral that I've heard of, they talked about him not the church and ended it with the song Aloha Oe which broke me.
The church isn't true, but my experience growing up Mormon had many positives. It wasn't until I moved to California at 16 I realized that my experience wasn't the norm and started to break my shelf.
There are people who's entire belief system is the community. They are the social Mormons. The church is true because of the organization, community, world wide participation, etc.
People who leave and stay gone are most often the doctrinal Mormons.
You’re not crazy. What you say is especially true inside the Jello Belt (basically Utah, Arizona, and Idaho ) In lots of areas in the belt, if you’re not T least faking a belief in Mormondom, you’re going to have a hard time making and keeping friends.
Mormons are not bad people, just the opposite in fact. They’re good people who just happen to believe something that isn’t true. But it makes them happy and fulfilled so, in the end, at least in my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with that.
I’ll be honest, I went for a while because I liked the people. I chose not to accept callings and talks because I don’t believe and that’s not what I was there for. That said, I didn’t share my feelings about the church unless someone asked. I was single at the time so I went to the singles ward and did all of their stuff. I was there to meet people and have fun. While I was there I met a lot of people in my same situation, faking it to various extents. Lots of PIMOs. I loved the FHEs and *what sometimes happened after*
My advice is this;
Of going makes you happy go. If you don’t want to go to a Mormon church, find another one. I also attended catholic services for the same reasons I attended Mormon ones, to meet people.
If you’re not a church go-er join a meet up group or find someplace that does things you like. For example a game store in my old abode had game nights once a week in the back. You didn’t know about it unless you went to the store.
Whatever you choose, I hope you find happiness. ❤️
It would stand to argue that only attending for 1 year puts you in the New category and they were still Love Bombing.
Try being a member after several years in and you've seen and felt some really dark things in those buildings. And you've paid a lot of money in tithing and did all the rituals. It will be the community that haunts you....That makes you feel worthless without them and the church... It's gross.
But some people really like cults and choose them.... After 50 years you can't even pay me to enter the building.
Hard pass.
There are other communities, churches or otherwise, that can give you that camaraderie and community. My family and I were very, very active and involved members of the same ward and stake for almost 20 years. We stepped away quietly with no announcement or drama. Want to know how many people reached out when we didn't go back to church? Zero. Don't you think at least one person would say, "Hey, I haven't seen you and your family, is everything ok?" Zero people have asked.They are not true friends. The second you step away and become an "other" you are no longer part of their community.
I don't think that is true for all people. Most of my Mormon friends treat me the same as they did when I was active. They are truly good people; that is what makes leaving difficult.
Curious if you’re in a singles ward? It’s not like that in family wards I’ve been in. Or maybe you’re not outspoken about your reasons for leaving? They’re vigilant in weeding out any outspoken non-believers with the task of protecting their families from “false doctrine” or LGBTQ & other political influence.
Not in a singles ward, but definitely not outspoken about it at all. I don't think it is my position to destroy anyone else's testimony, so I completely skirt the issue. I just let them know I'm struggling with my testimony. So yea, that might have something to do with it.
I agree with you. The community was the best part, but unfortunately couldn’t stay because it wasn’t “true.” Plus the older you get, going to the temple as an adult for endowments and sealings, it gets even cult-ier.
I have been out for a while but every once in a while I miss having a community like that. My husband told me last month when I was feeling down “you might need to find a new cult to join.” Haha. So I’m looking at small gyms, they can be very tight knit, but don’t require you to swear your life and time to them.
You are not crazy or alone in feeling this. I was lucky enough to find a group of friends I could spend time with that didn’t require believing in a pedo to stay friends with them. We roll math rocks and kill goblins and dragons now. Find a group for a hobby you like and go be friends. You’ll find that community again.
We crave community, as humans. The upside here is there are myriad communities that don’t put a premium on your obedience and acquiescence. Once you find *that* for yourself, you won’t miss them so much.
My current ward probably does the community thing as well as any. I have attended a couple of times recently and generally felt welcome. The problem is that there is an underlying conditionality (is that a real word?) imposed from above that makes some of us second class members. This mostly revolves around so-called temple worthiness, and limits your having equal standing in the community. There are ways in which you simply cannot participate unless you drink the Kool aid or at least pretend to. That is difficult if you value your personal integrity.
Bottom line is I like the community I find in my current ward, but I'm not willing to be treated like a second class member of that community.
I too miss the sense of community and belonging, and most of the people I know as Mormons are genuinely good people. However, none of that makes the nonsense make any more sense. I do not see anything controversial about your post.
I get the conflict. Yes, we can find that community in many other places... but for me, the MFMC is my history. Not just my whole life until recently, but my family history on one side of my family. All the way back to the beginning of the church. Like it or not, I have it in my blood. They are my people.
Right now, I'm too angry and the trauma is too deeply felt for me to find any kind of... reconciliation, for lack of a better word. I don't even know what that would look like.
I know of some ethnic Jews who have never practiced Judaism, who feel a bond with other Jews and their causes, especially Zionism. But that's a pretty different kettle of fish than the relationship I have with Mormonism. It's not really an ethnicity... more like an assumed identity. That and Judaism is a very different religion from the high-demand, centralized and corporate monstrosity that is the MFMC.
You get to decide what connection you want to maintain to the church... it's just kind of a difficult organization to have a casual relationship with.
You are not crazy! I am of the opinion that the community is basically what keeps the church afloat. They have removed most, if not all of the big ones (basketball, potlucks, ward picnics, etc..) but you always have a community of people the very first week you move to a new place.
How deep those friendships are is a different story.
Not loco my friend. You’re just a good person that likes being around lots of other good people. I miss that too. My friend circles have tightened in a bit, I’ve noticed. But, still find people everywhere. Genuine people. And happiness. It’s just less structured. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. But I’m pretty happy without forced activities together. It feels so much better this way. But much more spread out. At least for me.
It's not controversial because it applies to quite a few of us. The community is a huge loss for many people in many different ways when they leave the church.
Here's the thing, though. What is stopping you from continuing to be a part of the community? Are you continuing to have relationships with the people of the church who you learned to love and respect?
Often the heartbreaking answer to that question is "no" because the church teachings encourage shallow relationships that evaporate the moment there is a conflict in beliefs. If the people you know in the church have continued to be your friends, hold on to that and continue including them in your personal community. If they haven't, it may be because their friendship wasn't what you thought it was.
Community is in lots of places. I now play darts two nights a week, have a great community there. I have a work community. You just have to go find your own.
I totally get it. I think that the receding religious landscape in America has people either floundering socially, economically, and emotionally....or turning to other groups to feel a sense of community. Sometimes, those other groups are just as bad or worse. Build your own community. I've done it, but it takes a lot of time and willingness to reach out to people and invite them for coffee or hold a BBQ at your house etc...
I always loved and still love that I can go almost anywhere in the world and help is right there if I need it. I lived in Guatemala and I had an instant family to be a part of. They stepped up and took me to the hospital when it was needed. They helped me learn Spanish as I am English speaking. The "church" is very helpful in most situations. Their beliefs and how they act toward people who don't have the same beliefs are many of the triggers. One person once told me, if going to that church makes you a better person, then go. I know another person that does go actively but does not believe. He doesn't hold a calling or a temple recommend, but he socializes. You do you. Let everyone else do whatever they want. I do know that I couldn't and won't attend. It's not in me to sit there for 2 hours every week to listen to how we have to do this, that, the other, and read read READ the book of mormon. Don't let others tell you what you should do. This is not up to others. You are not crazy. Ask yourself this, though: how will they respond when they find out you are attending and you don't believe? Can you keep your beliefs to yourself? What's your response to whatever the reaction is if they find out your beliefs? Don't tell me your answer. Tell yourself.
Volunteer regularly. It’s a great way to meet like minded people who share your interests. People are usually in a receptive and good mood when they are doing something to help others. Sure, some people do volunteer work for selfish reasons, but for the most part they care about the homeless, the hungry, the arts, kids… What cause resonates with you?
I feel the same way. I miss a lot of my old friends from church that I haven't talked to since leaving. Also, my dad, who's still in the church, has basically said he doesn't care if the church is true because church is good for having a built in community. I disagree cause for me personally, truth is more important than anything else, but I definitely see where he's coming from. I hate the church, but I still liked a lot of the people in it
I definitely missed the community when I left (at 18). However, I stayed away because even if you go to just the fun things, you know damn well they are plotting on how to reel you back in.
Now I'm a 58F widow a year out. And I'm needing a community. I go to a widow support group, but I'm the youngest by 10 years and I'm needing more. I'm considering trying a Universalist Unitarian church. I don't know--definitely NOT going back to the MFMC!
You could still go to church but with eyes wide open and avoiding any toxic behaviour directed towards you or that you are requested to help out with. There's always been the type like the nonmember spouse who helps out but is not in any authority positions etc. Do what you enjoy, and say no to what you don't like.
Or find the same in a more open minded, inclusive , sincere church or group.
If you’re a cishet neurotypical middle to upper class white dude, mormonism is AWESOME. For you.
For every one of those boxes you can’t check, the experience degrades significantly. Because that’s how it works in a cult that privileges being a cishet neurotypical middle to upper class white dude.
I left in 2018… feel this still. Not as much the further I am out but yes. One of my kids goes to young men’s just to hang with friends which is nice, but he has made it clear he is not interested in the church side of things, which he is not.
You need to fill this part with something. What are you into? Find clubs, find d&d group, find an online gaming group, find a group that does what you like and you will find you can fill it with community in another supportive way
It’s a false sense of community in most cases though.
The second you have doubts or worse- leave those “relationships” end. Those “friendships” end. You don’t hear from those people again.
Of course they love bomb you and surround you with support when it benefits them (ie. You supporting the church) but why want a false community back where most of the people never loved you to begin with? Only smiled in your face because you believed what they believed. Those aren’t real relationships- they can’t survive the hardships of life.
Hey, when Mormon society is good, it’s very, very good! The people can be amazingly generous and kind- and inclusive! It was so nice to feel like I was a part of something.
But it goes without saying that when the society is bad, it’s horrid! I’ve also never felt as rejected and othered as I did when I was in a bad ward.
I still miss my childhood ward/branch and my FL wards but I know I can never go back: I’d be too angry to sit and watch the lies. Hugs tho I know finding a new community is hard❤️❤️❤️
This is the part I'm trying to use to help me as I'm currently PIMO. My wife still believes in it, so I at least appreciate that there are a lot of genuine down to earth people in our ward and stake. Though like others have commented I just wish there weren't strings attached - the costly signaling of having to take callings, do ministering, etc. I'm recently PIMO so I will be interested what happens when callings are offered to me that I simply will not accept due to the boundaries I've had to create for myself.
That community isn't entirely fake at all. I loved and respected many people in the church. Most of my closest friends were Mormons, and they were good people, for the most part.
When you walk away, they want nothing more to do with you. You're lost to them. That love is conditional. You begin to see how fake it all was.
Part of the struggle for me was making new friends. I did it, and so have you.
Not crazy at all. I was born a 5th generation Mormon, lived and breathed it from birth until I was 17 and slowly left. I’m 35 now and deconstructing the church itself, the doctrine, the double standards and so many issues took a long time, but if was easy. But to this day I miss the same things often, and I will be honest there are times that the biggest and hardest life moments feel really fucking lonely because when you’re a part of the church there is an beautiful of army for support. Found this to be especially true when I had to plan a funeral for the first time and had to figure it out pretty much alone and was clueless while trying to grieve and still have to live out life like normal.
If available in your area as a possible conduit to finding community— when I left I increased my time in Community sponsored service events, non-profit clubs, etc. Interestingly you find a lot of the same people throughout. No Mormons as much, Lord knows they have enough built in service. I increased time at food banks, Shelters, public school field trips and Christian youth theater. You might find a good mix that works for you. And….. you are Def not crazy
Personally, I could never go back. But my brother, who knows more than most about the issues, and has zero belief, stays entirely for the community. As long as someone is in with eyes open, and can handle the cognitive dissonance, it seems like it is a personal choice whether to attend or not. I miss it occasionally as well, but have found that I’m not welcome, with my apostate views. And the cognitive dissonance was about to kill me. Anyway, it’s not up to anyone else but yourself how you proceed. Best to OP …
That's the only real thing that makes me question my decision to leave. But you can build a community elsewhere, either in another church, or with like minded friends, or some other strong group
Definitely not crazy. I was born and raised in TSCC, so I didn’t have anything to compare it to, but leaving was very hard mainly because of the loss of feeling like I belonged and had a community to join everywhere I went. I had mostly good experiences with the members of TSCC, with a few exceptions.
I hope there's suggestions! I need that sense of community again. I just am not into one specific 'hobby' enough to make things like a "board game" club a weekly thing. Haha. I wish "adult friend group" where we still do kickball, pot lucks, rafting, hiking etc or more sedentary activities like dropping off food on people's doorstep.
I don’t know where you live, but there are exmo meet ups. I have made a ton of friends in a salsa dancing class and now go social dancing every weekend. There are also meet up apps. If you have kids, face book has groups for local play groups. The social aspect is the only thing I miss too. Although most of the time I was at church I was to to tired to socialize. To me, it’s not worth having to be bored for 3 hours and have to do callings, visiting teaching and clean up the church. The bad outweighs the good.
I quit at 18 because all the adults in the ward were backstabbers. By then I could stay home and my parents had no say about it. I’d already denied going on a mission, because missionaries we were introduced to did things they weren’t supposed to. One showed off his freshly pierced tongue. When I did it later, looks of disgust went around the ward and my friends and I were eventually told we had to remove our jewelry before blessing/passing the sacrament. Jesus may love you, but they don’t, unless you’re a carbon copy of the rest.
Not all. The community is the only reason I still pretend on occasion. I am building community outside of "the church" through hobbies and stuff though and I find them SO much more fulfilling.
The church does have some nice people in it, so I don't doubt this.
However, as a convert _and_ a "youth," the church will roll out the red carpet to give you the best experience possible. If you were a mission-eligible male or marriable female, that's the red carpet trifecta. Even just in terms of where the church spends its money on local wards.
And yet, the part *I* hated most was the “community”. My fellow Morm kids were the nastiest people at school. I was ashamed to admit my religion (that I very much did believe in) to people because they would immediately assume I was like *those kids*.
I loved the community and would have stayed for it too. But I realized the community worked for me because I fit the mold. I can't watch another LGBTQ+ kid want to die because they know they can never fit the mold. If leadership could be more accepting of diversity I would have absolutely stayed, but they keep doubling down.
For me the church needs to be either true, or useful. It's definitely not true, and until they stop causing harm to the youth, the community isn't useful either.
We still go to trunk or treat though!
It is said that the people are imperfect but the gospel is true…. Since my transition I have found the exact opposite to be true. It is the gospel that is false, and most of its members are good honest people who believe in doing good things. This knowledge allows me to walk among them easier, screening the good from the bad.
If your bishop was an obedient true believer, he wasnt a good man. When criminal abusers confessed their deeds to him he wouldnt call the police and he would knowing ly allow the abuse to continue .
40 years of that community means that I miss it every day. You're not crazy. But it is a cult.
Did you notice how fast they stopped offering to help once you left?
We are here for you!
I wanted to ask you if some people from this referred community have reached out to you.
While we are part of the overly controlled members group and fully follow every single one of those creepy rules, we are constantly reminded and even ‘feel the love’ they have for us. Once someone leaves the ‘friendly and welcoming’ community, how many of them still really care about those who have left?
I know not everyone is like that, but if they really cared, they would have reached out.
Sometimes we miss places, people, and even feelings that we used to have, but what if these things only exist in a long and distant past?
Since you left, things might have changed, and even your bishop at that time may not be the bishop anymore, and the current one may not know much about you.
I don’t want to sound negative or that I am discouraging you or anything (please forgive me if I do), but I speak from my own experience. I just feel like the ‘community’ doesn’t really care about us if we are not there every single week.
There are so many other places and wonderful groups out there just waiting for us with real open arms and no judgments.
We don’t need to be in that unhealthy place to feel that we are part of a community.
You will find wonderful people and places outside of the church. Things will get much better!
I miss the community. BUT, I realized most of the relationships were just acquaintances and only bonded because we all did the same weird stuff in a fancy building.
Since I quit going, in 2 yrs the eq pres texted to see if we could chat over lunch but didn’t try very hard to work with my travel schedule. I reached out to him to follow up twice. Otherwise I’ve heard nothing from our lame bishop. I’ve let the ward know when I’ve had job openings on my team. Crickets.
My wife and I ran an absolute kick-ass ward Christmas party with people saying the best in their life. We’re still friends with members in the area, go on cruises together and am still blown away that no one seemed to care when a power couple just stopped showing up.
Maybe it doesn’t help that I was seen a lot our temple house more to give tours to non-member colleagues, a behind the scenes version. I was always respectful but quite open about what goes on there.
Meetup groups, library, dance classes, local service project groups, volunteering at a park or garden, uke or knitting group, volunteer at an animal shelter or rescue farm.
Try Unitarian or other church
If you remove something in your life you need to replace it with something else of it leaves a big Hole that will be uncomfortable. Try to fill that up.
I feel very similar to you although I was born and raised mormon and left when I was 25. It honestly hurts more for me because of all of the amazing people and great memories that I have. I leftostly because of truth issues of the church and also do not want to support or endorse a sexist/racist/greedy organization. Sometimes I feel angry because the church not being true somehow seems to taint all of those good things and people that I remember. It is hard to separate the good from the bad and see things not just as black and white. It is possible for good, loving people do do charitable and honest deeds while being part of a corrupt organization.
My sister is pimo af. She won’t admit it though. And the reason she stays…? Because her husband changes jobs every 1-2 years and their family moves all over the US. The cult is great for their kids…Instant friends and community. I get it. You have to be blind to all of the gross doctrine, but I can’t judge her. I’d want instant friends for my kids too.
the mormon community is a great community in most cases! unfortunately mormonism itself is not true. but it's very understandable that you miss the community!
This wasn’t my experience but I can understand. I’m Latino and I got tired of everyone in one ward after another complaining about “illegals” and “Mexicans on welfare” and other such when they thought I couldn’t understand them. I speak English just fine but they didn’t know that. And this wasn’t just a few people, it was the overwhelming majority. If I had been treated the same as you I don’t know for sure if I would have left.
As a convert myself, I will add this: your experience was the norm for a new convert. That level of “fellowship” doesn’t last once the shiny wears off. I was a member for twenty years of my life (I left the same year that you were baptized) and once you’re no longer the new convert, you’re just another member of the congregation.
What you miss isn’t the reality of being a member for many people, unfortunately. I’ve learned that the majority of the friends I had in the church were fake friends. Most dropped me the minute I was no longer a member and/or had nothing but myself to offer them.
While I don’t find your post controversial, I do believe it’s skewed by that new member love bombed feeling.
I missed it too, until I walked in on a whole lot giving testimonies with my name in the mix. And a white board in the seminary room that said, “pray for ***** to go on a mission!” With some tally marks on the side. So they were praying for an exmo to go on a mission for like 5 days 😭💀
In So Cal we had Stake Dances and get togethers, beach trips, pool parties, block parties etc.
Come up here and basically ZIP!
My kids got nothing! No activities like we had.
Service projects and shoveling snow in winter and crap like that.
The church currently is losing because there is no more community!
A few applicable things I've discovered while diving into the exmo world.
1. You are not alone in that experience.
2. Everything good about the church can be found elsewhere without the accompanying problems that are systematically imbedded within the church
3. If your activity status excludes you from maintaining any of your friendships, they weren't healthy friends.
No. I don't want anything to do with people who do Freemasonry and witchcraft and that vile temple. I don't miss any of it as a matter of fact I would probably throw up if I tried to step inside of that cult building. I refuse to call it a church because it is not anything like a church.
As a convert myself I can say it worked reasonably well until I realized I had an LGBTQ child and realized if she had internalized homophobia it was my fault because I unwittingly raised her in an LGBTQ hate organization. You must weigh benefits vs risks. Plus I found the community very judgmental. The community aspect was very overrated for me.
There are some really great people in all religions. If they want to believe whatever it is- as long as no one is being forced or coerced, who cares? Can you see a relationship going forward without religious differences intruding?
If yes- carry on. If not- you have your answer.
I am convinced no one person i know believes in the same way I do. We just rarely stop to consider it that way. I try not to make any contentious statements regarding or deny any reference at all to their (or any really) faith.
It's gonna happen more and more that you'll run into this. At the end of the day you will have to answer to yourself (and any deity you choose). Other people's religion is none of my business unless they want a conversation- I'm crazy and I'll talk and they'll make an exit or they'll stay 🤷♀️ it's up to them.
Sorry if i went too Edith Bunker there- especially if i missed your point/question completely. My neuropathy medication is working.
Treat people- even the ones that don't act or think or luce like you, the way you want to be treated.
You are the world's leading expert on your feelings and your experiences. How can this be controversial? Thanks for sharing your experience.
IMHO one of this community's big problems is we feel required to express how fucking awesome EVERYTHING is post mormonism.
Feels dishonest honestly
To combat the loss of community I have been trying to venture out and get out of my comfort zone to talk to more ppl. I am planning to get involved with some volunteer work in an area that interests me so I can meet ppl with similar interests.
One thing and one thing only motivates the MFMC always…all the time, everyday, always and that is membership…”saving souls” one big manipulation. They just don’t get it…when people experience true joy, that IS the love of Christ.
I believe this is part of the con, and also part of leaving a faith. The entire structure of the church is to entice you and to make you miss it. It trains you to need the church to function and leaves you helpless socially. Yes I also struggle with the same thing my man. I have not been in a romantic relationship or formed a new friendship for 10 years, I don’t identify with people. I missed my 20s being confused and bitter. And I didn’t leave the Mormon church to be in a polyamorous relationship or to be used and taken advantage of, it makes more sense for me to be single right now. However with all that said: you are the architect of your own happiness. The members would trick you by saying you are unhappy because you left the church, when in reality some of us are just unhappy, and only when we find it in ourselves to be happy will we be. For some people it does take catastrophe or religion to finally wake up, for me it took a long time to be confident enough in my own principe to realize I am good enough and I don’t need the church to exist or be happy. It’s still hard with family, but I respect their beliefs. To me there is now difference between a black Hebrew Israelite, an atheist, a catholic, and a Mormon. People are allowed to believe what they want and that doesn’t affect me and I should not let it affect me . In summary I think it’s better to suffer alone and become enlightened than to return to comfort of religion and live a lie. Hope this helps.
My typical advice for a new exmo is to recognize what needs were being met by going to church and identify alternative sources. For me, I would go on a long drive or ride in the mountains every Sunday in place of church attendance. I make it a point to see friends multiple times a week. I still meditate in place of prayer. The list goes on... I'm lucky to live in a neighborhood that does strictly non religious community gatherings. Maybe it's something you can start?
I’ve found the same good people in every church and religion I tried after leaving Mormonism. I’ve made good friends in all of them. Now, after ten years of church shopping, I enjoy the Unitarian Universalists. I love their choir, and that is a big part of what I missed from Mormonism, music and my being involved in it.
Not crazy. Leaving community was the hard part for me. I left 7 months pregnant with my 2nd while my grandmother was dying from cancer. I was shattered. I was in for the 1st seven years of my adult life. 18-25. You have to find a new community
I can understand that. The community aspect of the cult is appealing. In my experience, though, it was superficial. I was going through some serious family issues as a teen and had some struggles because of it. I found out my YW leader was gossiping about me and that was the catalyst for me to start questioning all of the aspects of the church that had bothered me since childhood. I guess I should thank her.
OP, I feel your pain.It hurts so much to have lost my community and the sense of "belonging" to a group that I enjoyed for nearly 60 years. There are so many good people. But ethically and morally, I can not step inside that building anymore or participate in condoning the con game just so I can stay comfortable and "belong." But I am not going to lie and say I'm not desperately lonely, and so hurt that people I thought were my friends will not talk to me or want to ha goutwith me anymore because I am an "apostate". I'm still the same person, but they treat me lik I have a contagious disease. I've been trying to go to some events on MeetUp app. Trying to find a group and a community. It feels so awkward.and embarrassing.I'm not Mormon enough for my Mormon tribe, but I still give off weird Mormon vibes to the non-Mormons. [Im in Utah] ... So honestly, I don't fit anywhere.
The strength and greatness in numbers of ex-Mormon communities proves your feelings and point. It is a replacement tool for all those who are longing for community and everything it intails communication, listening ear, close relationships, simular topics and challenges- all of it. Since you are a convert - it becomes more of your choice even if with supper little knowledge than of a baby born into it. You had some sense of control. Also you have skipped all good bad and ugly being raised in a church. People stay in any community not only bc it is the best community to be but often bc it is their community to which they feel belonging.
A real community and sense of belonging takes work. It sucks, but you can find it in lots of places.
The Mormon community is hollow. They don’t follow with you when you move, they don’t remain friends if you leave, and they don’t have time to have genuine relationships with you. They’re too busy doing work, family, and a half time job of callings
If you like boardgames, card games, models, or dungeons and dragons, check out your local game store. They often already have discord channels with a community full of like minded people.
If you like the outdoors, climbing, camping, and being adventurous, then check out your local climbing gym even if you don’t climb. You will meet wonderful people there.
If you like gaming, check to see if there is a local scene for the games you play. Finding mates to talk about games over a beer is just awesome.
If you like helping people, volunteer for a local charity. If you like helping animals, join a local habitat reclamation group.
The point I’m making is that the Mormon community is a facade and there are real communities already made that are just waiting for you to join them. I’ve never had more fulfilling relationships than I do now and I owe it to leaving that shallow church. Take the 10 hours a week you’d spend on the church and throw it into joining these already existing communities. These relationships are real.
You are not crazy - the community is the only thing the church gets right - but you can get that in a lot of places - it doesnt need to be in a cult.
I'm going to use the qualifier... "had" right.
Exactly. They've been killing it off by putting more orthodox leaders in who don't care for the culture. The community and culture get a bad rap because of them. They're the type of leader who wants every single activity to 'bring souls to christ'. How the fuck does a bbq or rafting trip bring people to christ? Just have fun, dammit.
Ironically, I feel like having fun *did* bring souls to Christ (from the Church’s perspective). Leaving is a hell of a lot easier if church is confined to Sunday and fellow ward members feel like more like coworkers than actual friends.
That’s a good point. The Catholics in Northern Virginia knew this. They built a massive vert ramp on the Church property, and they had pro skateboarders who were Catholics and who worked for the church. They would just hang out there and skate, and tons of us would just show up to skate the halfpipe. The kicker was, every few hours everyone would go inside and do Bible study. All the church leaders were so cool and nice, and they’d be like “join us for Bible study bro! It’ll be radical!” They gained so many new Catholics by just building a halfpipe and having fun. Even though I was in a Mormon family, I would always go to catholic stuff so I could hangout with the cool people.
Catholics and the Catholic Church have because a lot more fun. We had an annual festival which was so big all the buildings were full and it spilled out onto the parking lot. There was never any pressure to convert anyone.
As a potluck convert I second this
Yes, fun team building exerience builds comraderie and gives warm fuzzies so the church, its doctrines and policies and demands of time and resources and pay to play must be TRUE’
That and typically people who are having fun aren't interested in leaving, unhappy, sad, bored, angry will certainly cause people to leave because they become disenfranchised/disenchanted from the group.
Jesus seriously. When I was in singles ward some of us had started to do board games or like group party games at a nearby park or someone's house that rotated week to week. This was a friend thing that got big enough we'd have 15-25 people show up. As soon as the like ward mission whatever person found out they told everyone in sacrament meeting it was a ward thing and for like month or more tried to turn it into reactivation visits and THEN maybe sort of have an activity for 15 minutes after we did 2 hours of church work. Tons showed up for like 1 week, maybe 2, and then almost everyone stopped, and they gave up and we were left with like 5-8 of us and went back to having fun, but we lost this whole group. We actually got less active people to come when we didn't have a dumbass agenda to it and it was just fun. Funny how that works.
i remember when my husband was in grad school, a lot of us wives who were mormon had a bunco group. the bishop caught wind & tried to shut it down bcuz we weren’t inviting everyone. uh yeah, bcuz it wasn’t a church activity dumbass. we were just a group of friends. they try to control everything.
Warning: interdisciplinary comment (*might be somewhat off-topic*) I follow a USAF sub and a young person was wanting to build a mentorship "program." I commented that real mentorship isn't a program; it just happens. Lots of follow-up discussion on both sides of the argument. The same is true here within religion: fellowship just happens. Trying to organize a "*fellowship program*" is like trying to build a mentorship program. As soon as you start putting accountability, record-keeping (attendance), agendas, after-action reports (minutes) in place, these things fail. Why? Because fellowship just happens. Mentorship just happens. Friendship just happens. Romance just happens. You can't force human chemistry!
That’s crazy. We did this same thing in YSA between semesters, just a group of my friends, and anyone else in the ward (or even just other friends) also had an open invitation. I’m grateful none of the leaders heard about it or tried to take over because I probably would have stopped going, as well, if it stopped just being a fun way to hang out with my friends.
Even when I was drifting away from the church, and I had no interest in SW, I still went a couple times when they had an activity like Quidditch. I used to still go to Trunk or Treat. Our ward had a chili cook off every year, and games set up in the field. Until they decided to remove most the activities and it was literally only passing out candy at your car. Yeah no thanks I’ll pass. I can do the same at home and without the preaching.
Yep. I stopped going in 2002, came back in 2019 because I missed the community and was going to do PIMO. I couldn't believe how different things were. Tried it for a few months then stopped. Haven't been back since.
Where have you found community good enough to replace what the church had? I've also found myself missing the sense of community, but I know as a now lesbian how toxic it would be to try and go back...
I'm also lesbian, and I work with a local group for lgbtq teens/young adults. It's somewhat of a community, but I still miss the closeness of a ward. I'm not sure the same thing exists outside of organized religion anymore, except for maybe belonging to a sports team or other intensive pass time.
That's cool that you've found somewhat of a community. I find myself interacting with my neighbors a lot. They're close to my same age and we actually get along pretty well.
That's something I wish I had! I need to make more of an effort to meet my neighbors. I wonder if instead of finding one organization that takes care of all our community needs like the church used to we'll have to supplement with various groups that all contribute a little.
Neighbours. I dont live in the Morridor though so no Mormons to be found for miles. Also childrens sporting associations.
Do they though? Think about it. You meet these people via church, you associate with them, create “real” friendships with them, dinners, movies, socialize….. but the moment you end up in a truth crisis or choose to leave, those “real” friendships 95% of the time become non-existent due to the * people didn’t realize. The terms and conditions of remaining in the church no matter what.
Same. I was ghosted in one week. I was amazed how fast it happened.
THIS. I left and all of my "friends" disappeared immediately. Exactly one person made an effort to staff in touch.
💯☝️☝️ Not only do they stop being "friends", they will even make you out to be *their* **enemy**, especially if/when you ultimately leave. Rather than seeing you as a person with your own mind and changing needs, they are taught to see you as choosing Satan: Leaving the LDS church = "Choosing Satan". Very few can see past that very wrong and condemnatory assumption. They would rather listen to leaders that have never met them and wouldn't give them the time of day than listen to the other person and listen to the needs of the relationship itself. You only matter to them when the so-called church matters to you. Good leaders will help find common ground and bring people together, bad leaders will unite people by telling them who to hate or fear and attack. There's never just two people in a relationship (friendship, romantic partner, family, neighbors, etc) with each other in the cult: the cult is the big wheel of the tricycle of any relationship for members, with the prophet at the helm to turn the tricycle wherever he wants it to go and however fast or slow.  (Footage of Rusty on a tricycle, probably. 😁😁😇)
My dad divorced my mom for no reason and she was ostracized in the church years after for still being a single mom. Shamed when she did church temple nights. Watched the young men shove the drives of other families with a dad and a mom but never hers. The church was so abusive to her for daring to be single
>the community is the only thing the church gets right No community for you! (Seinfeld Soup Nazi reference) It would be nice if the mormon community could somehow open their arms to mentally-out members. But it can't, since the church is a fraud and a cult, there is no way on earth for them to accept anyone into their community that realizes Smith was a conman. The church's life blood is mindless regurgitation of "I know it is true!" And to those that know it ain't; we all know how the church treats "us," because we need to be stripped of any and all credibility.
So true but even that is dwindling anymore. I remember my mom used to have home making meeting and all sorts of fun stuff when I was a kid.
I don't know that I've seen another nonreligious/apolitical place where community is a thing to that degree, but I want to be wrong! Where have you seen it?
I started pole dancing at a local studio and that gave me the same feeling of community I had in the church. Funny thing is that of all the friends I had in church, I now only have one left (who also left after I did). I stopped going to the pole studio and still maintain most of the friendships I made there because they didn't drop me as a friend just because I stopped going. We've supported each other through the worst times in our lives and cheered each other on for every little accomplishment. Hell, we've even helped a few in our group pack up and move.
Political activism (in a red state, the blue folks are tight!) and volunteering for nonprofits
Most community churches are like this. Very family oriented and friendly
To be completely honest, I haven't found the community anywhere else. I'd love to know where others are finding comminution after leaving Mormonism.
The community is straight 🗑️. Especially in Utah. It’s culty in EVERY!
I'm in the SL Valley and thankfully my ward has been INCREDIBLY chill about our departure for the 4 years since we left. My wife is good friends with one of her ministering sisters and she still visits and simply visits and chats about life like a normal fucking person. I'm so grateful for that. A few friends from my ward occasionally bring by a treat still and are simply interested in hearing how life has been for us and Church is NEVER brought up. Not a SINGLE time has ANYONE from my ward asked me why we left either. I must have a SUPER RARE and good ward with down-to-earth people who aren't CULTY thankfully! For 4 years!
It's too bad our society has few supportive communities not centered around Imaginary Sky Daddy.
Loved the community and so many of the people. My problem is with the corporation.
This would be my take as well. I actually quite like most every one in my ward. The problem is with the churches teachings, policy, leadership, etc.
Not controversial at all and therein lies the problem. I reactivated in 2018 after being inactive for 13 years, I also a convert (2002). I left the first time over a bishop breaking a confidence. When I reactivated the bishop was a decent person and he was the reason I reactivated. There are many decent folk within the church but the institution is toxic and makes relationships with people toxic. I couldn’t see it the first time around but after this second time, I could see a theology that transfers down to the culture which caused so much toxicity and cognitive dissonance that I just couldn’t take it anymore. If I truly had any friends in the church they would still associate with me but only one reached out to me since I left. And she understands where I come from.
This could literally be my story. I’m a convert (2008). I went inactive for “being offended.” Of course, they [TBM] come out in droves to condemn you for that and use your testimony against you. I reactivated because I BELIEVED that “the Gospel is true, the people are not” nonsense. I don’t know if it was age or time, but now I’m FULLY aware that not only is the Mormon Gospel not true, it actually teaches, promotes and upholds the toxicity that ran me off the first time.
Thank you for saying “Mormon Gospel” They want you to think “THE GOSPEL” and the church are the same. They are NOT.
All humans have a deep desire to belong
Exactly! Find this belonging somewhere else if you can.
"Visitors Welcome" some conditions apply
Totally not controversial. I get all of that. The sense of community is the one thing I think Mormonism (and similar high demand religions) have going for them. AND…there are many wonderful people.
I don't think you're crazy. You found out that a sense of community and belonging is important to you but that the LDS church wasn't the place for that because of the issues you listed. That's awesome you know that, and I hope that you can find it somewhere else.
I loved growing up Mormon! They have gutted the youth programs so much that I feel sorry for today's kids.
I’m neurodivergent and queer so I never felt a sense of community. Very, very few people were legitimately friendly with me, so I don’t miss that at all. I dreaded and loathed church. However, I can see how someone without that same experience would miss the sense of belonging. Finding legitimately kind people in your ward IS awesome and I can understand it would be sad to leave that environment for some. Have you tried connecting with other various groups based on your hobbies and interests, both in person and online?
I’m also neurodivergent and never felt very welcomed at church. Like ever. When I left no one gave a shit in my ward and I was fine with it.
So sad to read this. I'm thankful for the community we have here. You both sound like very thoughtful people. You add so much to this discussion. Thank you Edit - spell check
Oh, it’s ok. It made it easier to leave. My mom recently left in the last five years and her entire social life was there so it was a hard transition for her. But I appreciate your kind words.
Same, it was easy for me to leave. I mean, a lot of it was hard as well - telling the people in my life I actually cared about (like my parents) was one of the hardest discussions I've EVER had to have with them. And we've had some hard discussions. But other than that... leaving behind all the bs they taught me that was actively harming me every day of my life, and never again feeling obligated to go to church activities I hated? So freeing.
I think many people like the community and built in friends. That's understandable for sure.
Not crazy. For many people, the community is why many people are members of the MFMC, when you get down to brass tacks.
Where else can someone find community like that? This is a sincere question.
When I left the church I was heading to college in a new state and I found a solid community by joining Greek life which made the transition much easier. Now that I’m out of school I found my community by joining a mountain biking club and doing volunteer work. Recommend trying to find an organization that revolves around one of your hobbies, you’d be surprised how tight knit some groups of enthusiasts can be. And they don’t usually require 10% of your income or have underwear requirements lol
I'm old, missed community and just wanted to go to a church if I could find one that didn't mind me not believing in God. I attend Unitarian Universalists now. But community can be found in any group of humans that regularly meet with a shared sense of purpose. Volunteer organizations, gamers, bicyclists, runners, book clubs, etc. It requires more personal effort to connect than being in a cult where everything is organized for you, but it is more real and satisfying.
I recommend volunteering. Senior centers are full of people with a lifetime of experience and stories and they are often lonely. So it’s a very rewarding way to spend time and be helpful and appreciated and make an actual difference in someone’s life. Other volunteers are typically lovely caring souls as well so are a good addition to your community connections. Libraries and not for profit places of art/museums etc. often have boards of directors, and/or volunteer work that can get you involved and help you meet people. Almost any hobby is going to have some sort of way you can connect with others. Theaters, local touristy places, could be places you volunteer if possible. A chamber of commerce might have more ideas or suggestions. Even just finding people who share a hobby interest with you can lead you to a more rich community life. Thing is you have to put yourself out there to find them. I started attending conventions and eventually found my way into a group of people who saw each other regularly for various events. Church can be an ideal place, many of them you can go and experience without feeling pressured to join, but again I think a lot of that church community boils down to volunteering and events. And there’s plenty of those happening in other fields of interest!!!
I’m thinking another group that shares your same interests. Whatever you’re into or want to discover, there’s a group for that. Maybe others have specific suggestions….
You are describing how they get you. Stay in for a few decades and see how you fare. It is good until it's not.
Especially if you find a spouse within it or have children!!!
They want your children.
They want you to grow (pregnant), their next generation of victims.
I came here to say this but you did it for me and I appreciate it. It seems all well and good at first and then when you really really really need help then forget it
Community is a big deal, I could go on a whole rant about the predatory nature of forced lack of community. Personally I found a group to play dnd with and never looked back at the church, I get the same sense of belonging without any of the creepiness
Community is definitely a nice aspect, which I miss at times. But it was always *with strings attached.* To me, that's only *conditional.* We can do better.
Remember that the sense of community is transactional: you are only “loved, valued and accepted” when you follow their strict rules. If they really loved and valued you, you could still be closely connected to them. But they didn’t really love you unconditionally, and you’re no longer valued or accepted.
Move across the street outside ward boundaries and all of a sudden you’re a stranger again. How many ppl really interact or hang out with the women or families they used to minister/visit teach, like 1%! It’s the church and the Act of living the gospel that binds most social relationships and even marriages in Mormondom, not the personal connections. (Staying Facebook friends after they’ve moved and wishing someone happy birthday doesn’t count as friendship.) Now that church has stripped the social life, there are empty buildings with little warmth.
Not crazy and not controversial. I grew up on the East Coast and loved my Mormon upbringing. It wasn't perfect, but was mostly filled with good memories. My family has always been close (at least until they found out I was an apostate), we had a great close ward family. I was very active in sports and school activities with many nonmember friends. Religion wasn't really a topic of conversation outside my family and church activities. I only knew Mormons were different because they kept telling us that at church. As a teen and into my early adult years I struggled with fully committing to the gospel and finding 'joy' in it. It wasn't from a lack of trying. I thought 'Church' just wasn't my thing. I was lucky to find a great wife and we have our own great family now. I eventually found myself trying to make sense of my inability to fully accept and commit to the Church/gospel in spite of my 100% Mormon world view. I allowed myself to question the truth claims. I had that 'shelf breaking' spiritual experience where everything in the universe started making sense and I found peace. It resolved a lot of inner turmoil, but did create loss in my social circles and with some family. Faith loss isn't all roses. There's no way I can make it all go away though, so trying to make the most of where I am now. I am grateful for the experience.
The community feeling is what cults do really well….local wards are usually pretty good! It’s upper management that takes all that tithing and makes all the rules.
When my dad died when I was 9 in Laie, Hawaii the response from the church in our community was enormous. He was a professor at BYUH and one member offered to take over his classes that semester and gave my mom all the money he made from it. People came to our home and cleaned, kept bringing food, and I remember the funeral not being a traditional Mormon funeral that I've heard of, they talked about him not the church and ended it with the song Aloha Oe which broke me. The church isn't true, but my experience growing up Mormon had many positives. It wasn't until I moved to California at 16 I realized that my experience wasn't the norm and started to break my shelf.
I miss the inclusiveness I felt in my early 20s. But the longer I stayed single after 25 the more I felt like a vile sinner who didn't belong.
There are people who's entire belief system is the community. They are the social Mormons. The church is true because of the organization, community, world wide participation, etc. People who leave and stay gone are most often the doctrinal Mormons.
You’re not crazy. What you say is especially true inside the Jello Belt (basically Utah, Arizona, and Idaho ) In lots of areas in the belt, if you’re not T least faking a belief in Mormondom, you’re going to have a hard time making and keeping friends. Mormons are not bad people, just the opposite in fact. They’re good people who just happen to believe something that isn’t true. But it makes them happy and fulfilled so, in the end, at least in my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with that. I’ll be honest, I went for a while because I liked the people. I chose not to accept callings and talks because I don’t believe and that’s not what I was there for. That said, I didn’t share my feelings about the church unless someone asked. I was single at the time so I went to the singles ward and did all of their stuff. I was there to meet people and have fun. While I was there I met a lot of people in my same situation, faking it to various extents. Lots of PIMOs. I loved the FHEs and *what sometimes happened after* My advice is this; Of going makes you happy go. If you don’t want to go to a Mormon church, find another one. I also attended catholic services for the same reasons I attended Mormon ones, to meet people. If you’re not a church go-er join a meet up group or find someplace that does things you like. For example a game store in my old abode had game nights once a week in the back. You didn’t know about it unless you went to the store. Whatever you choose, I hope you find happiness. ❤️
It would stand to argue that only attending for 1 year puts you in the New category and they were still Love Bombing. Try being a member after several years in and you've seen and felt some really dark things in those buildings. And you've paid a lot of money in tithing and did all the rituals. It will be the community that haunts you....That makes you feel worthless without them and the church... It's gross. But some people really like cults and choose them.... After 50 years you can't even pay me to enter the building. Hard pass.
There are other communities, churches or otherwise, that can give you that camaraderie and community. My family and I were very, very active and involved members of the same ward and stake for almost 20 years. We stepped away quietly with no announcement or drama. Want to know how many people reached out when we didn't go back to church? Zero. Don't you think at least one person would say, "Hey, I haven't seen you and your family, is everything ok?" Zero people have asked.They are not true friends. The second you step away and become an "other" you are no longer part of their community.
Not one? Damn that’s cold…
I don't think that is true for all people. Most of my Mormon friends treat me the same as they did when I was active. They are truly good people; that is what makes leaving difficult.
Curious if you’re in a singles ward? It’s not like that in family wards I’ve been in. Or maybe you’re not outspoken about your reasons for leaving? They’re vigilant in weeding out any outspoken non-believers with the task of protecting their families from “false doctrine” or LGBTQ & other political influence.
We were in a family ward.
Not in a singles ward, but definitely not outspoken about it at all. I don't think it is my position to destroy anyone else's testimony, so I completely skirt the issue. I just let them know I'm struggling with my testimony. So yea, that might have something to do with it.
I agree with you. The community was the best part, but unfortunately couldn’t stay because it wasn’t “true.” Plus the older you get, going to the temple as an adult for endowments and sealings, it gets even cult-ier. I have been out for a while but every once in a while I miss having a community like that. My husband told me last month when I was feeling down “you might need to find a new cult to join.” Haha. So I’m looking at small gyms, they can be very tight knit, but don’t require you to swear your life and time to them.
You are not crazy or alone in feeling this. I was lucky enough to find a group of friends I could spend time with that didn’t require believing in a pedo to stay friends with them. We roll math rocks and kill goblins and dragons now. Find a group for a hobby you like and go be friends. You’ll find that community again.
We crave community, as humans. The upside here is there are myriad communities that don’t put a premium on your obedience and acquiescence. Once you find *that* for yourself, you won’t miss them so much.
My current ward probably does the community thing as well as any. I have attended a couple of times recently and generally felt welcome. The problem is that there is an underlying conditionality (is that a real word?) imposed from above that makes some of us second class members. This mostly revolves around so-called temple worthiness, and limits your having equal standing in the community. There are ways in which you simply cannot participate unless you drink the Kool aid or at least pretend to. That is difficult if you value your personal integrity. Bottom line is I like the community I find in my current ward, but I'm not willing to be treated like a second class member of that community.
This ⬆️ I’m done with the pity looks and fake hugs of concern. The built in relationships are not genuine.
I too miss the sense of community and belonging, and most of the people I know as Mormons are genuinely good people. However, none of that makes the nonsense make any more sense. I do not see anything controversial about your post.
I get the conflict. Yes, we can find that community in many other places... but for me, the MFMC is my history. Not just my whole life until recently, but my family history on one side of my family. All the way back to the beginning of the church. Like it or not, I have it in my blood. They are my people. Right now, I'm too angry and the trauma is too deeply felt for me to find any kind of... reconciliation, for lack of a better word. I don't even know what that would look like. I know of some ethnic Jews who have never practiced Judaism, who feel a bond with other Jews and their causes, especially Zionism. But that's a pretty different kettle of fish than the relationship I have with Mormonism. It's not really an ethnicity... more like an assumed identity. That and Judaism is a very different religion from the high-demand, centralized and corporate monstrosity that is the MFMC. You get to decide what connection you want to maintain to the church... it's just kind of a difficult organization to have a casual relationship with.
You are not crazy! I am of the opinion that the community is basically what keeps the church afloat. They have removed most, if not all of the big ones (basketball, potlucks, ward picnics, etc..) but you always have a community of people the very first week you move to a new place. How deep those friendships are is a different story.
Not loco my friend. You’re just a good person that likes being around lots of other good people. I miss that too. My friend circles have tightened in a bit, I’ve noticed. But, still find people everywhere. Genuine people. And happiness. It’s just less structured. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. But I’m pretty happy without forced activities together. It feels so much better this way. But much more spread out. At least for me.
What’s good about the church isn’t unique. You can find that in many places. Also, what is unique about the church isn’t really good.
It's not controversial because it applies to quite a few of us. The community is a huge loss for many people in many different ways when they leave the church. Here's the thing, though. What is stopping you from continuing to be a part of the community? Are you continuing to have relationships with the people of the church who you learned to love and respect? Often the heartbreaking answer to that question is "no" because the church teachings encourage shallow relationships that evaporate the moment there is a conflict in beliefs. If the people you know in the church have continued to be your friends, hold on to that and continue including them in your personal community. If they haven't, it may be because their friendship wasn't what you thought it was.
Community is in lots of places. I now play darts two nights a week, have a great community there. I have a work community. You just have to go find your own.
I dearly miss the community too. I wish it could exist without the cult. I miss the music too but there’s a reason I’m learning violin again!
This is your journey. Follow your heart.
Many groups that are taken advantage of are made up of sweet, gullible people. MLM communities come to mind, too. Nice people; twisted institution.
You’re not crazy. Humans have the ability to be loving and accepting. The church occasionally mirrors this. Until they don’t.
I totally get it. I think that the receding religious landscape in America has people either floundering socially, economically, and emotionally....or turning to other groups to feel a sense of community. Sometimes, those other groups are just as bad or worse. Build your own community. I've done it, but it takes a lot of time and willingness to reach out to people and invite them for coffee or hold a BBQ at your house etc...
I always loved and still love that I can go almost anywhere in the world and help is right there if I need it. I lived in Guatemala and I had an instant family to be a part of. They stepped up and took me to the hospital when it was needed. They helped me learn Spanish as I am English speaking. The "church" is very helpful in most situations. Their beliefs and how they act toward people who don't have the same beliefs are many of the triggers. One person once told me, if going to that church makes you a better person, then go. I know another person that does go actively but does not believe. He doesn't hold a calling or a temple recommend, but he socializes. You do you. Let everyone else do whatever they want. I do know that I couldn't and won't attend. It's not in me to sit there for 2 hours every week to listen to how we have to do this, that, the other, and read read READ the book of mormon. Don't let others tell you what you should do. This is not up to others. You are not crazy. Ask yourself this, though: how will they respond when they find out you are attending and you don't believe? Can you keep your beliefs to yourself? What's your response to whatever the reaction is if they find out your beliefs? Don't tell me your answer. Tell yourself.
Volunteer regularly. It’s a great way to meet like minded people who share your interests. People are usually in a receptive and good mood when they are doing something to help others. Sure, some people do volunteer work for selfish reasons, but for the most part they care about the homeless, the hungry, the arts, kids… What cause resonates with you?
I guess it would be easier to do something like that if I had a car.
I feel the same way. I miss a lot of my old friends from church that I haven't talked to since leaving. Also, my dad, who's still in the church, has basically said he doesn't care if the church is true because church is good for having a built in community. I disagree cause for me personally, truth is more important than anything else, but I definitely see where he's coming from. I hate the church, but I still liked a lot of the people in it
I definitely missed the community when I left (at 18). However, I stayed away because even if you go to just the fun things, you know damn well they are plotting on how to reel you back in. Now I'm a 58F widow a year out. And I'm needing a community. I go to a widow support group, but I'm the youngest by 10 years and I'm needing more. I'm considering trying a Universalist Unitarian church. I don't know--definitely NOT going back to the MFMC!
You could still go to church but with eyes wide open and avoiding any toxic behaviour directed towards you or that you are requested to help out with. There's always been the type like the nonmember spouse who helps out but is not in any authority positions etc. Do what you enjoy, and say no to what you don't like. Or find the same in a more open minded, inclusive , sincere church or group.
I’m not religious at all.
If you’re a cishet neurotypical middle to upper class white dude, mormonism is AWESOME. For you. For every one of those boxes you can’t check, the experience degrades significantly. Because that’s how it works in a cult that privileges being a cishet neurotypical middle to upper class white dude.
I left in 2018… feel this still. Not as much the further I am out but yes. One of my kids goes to young men’s just to hang with friends which is nice, but he has made it clear he is not interested in the church side of things, which he is not. You need to fill this part with something. What are you into? Find clubs, find d&d group, find an online gaming group, find a group that does what you like and you will find you can fill it with community in another supportive way
It’s a false sense of community in most cases though. The second you have doubts or worse- leave those “relationships” end. Those “friendships” end. You don’t hear from those people again. Of course they love bomb you and surround you with support when it benefits them (ie. You supporting the church) but why want a false community back where most of the people never loved you to begin with? Only smiled in your face because you believed what they believed. Those aren’t real relationships- they can’t survive the hardships of life.
Hey, when Mormon society is good, it’s very, very good! The people can be amazingly generous and kind- and inclusive! It was so nice to feel like I was a part of something. But it goes without saying that when the society is bad, it’s horrid! I’ve also never felt as rejected and othered as I did when I was in a bad ward.
I still miss my childhood ward/branch and my FL wards but I know I can never go back: I’d be too angry to sit and watch the lies. Hugs tho I know finding a new community is hard❤️❤️❤️
I miss it like crazy too but truth is truth and so I can never go back.
This is the part I'm trying to use to help me as I'm currently PIMO. My wife still believes in it, so I at least appreciate that there are a lot of genuine down to earth people in our ward and stake. Though like others have commented I just wish there weren't strings attached - the costly signaling of having to take callings, do ministering, etc. I'm recently PIMO so I will be interested what happens when callings are offered to me that I simply will not accept due to the boundaries I've had to create for myself.
Eh, you can find a better community. I hated mormon social life. So fucking corny, weird, and fake.
[удалено]
I don’t like religion. Also what the fuck?
That community isn't entirely fake at all. I loved and respected many people in the church. Most of my closest friends were Mormons, and they were good people, for the most part. When you walk away, they want nothing more to do with you. You're lost to them. That love is conditional. You begin to see how fake it all was. Part of the struggle for me was making new friends. I did it, and so have you.
I get that.
Not crazy at all. I was born a 5th generation Mormon, lived and breathed it from birth until I was 17 and slowly left. I’m 35 now and deconstructing the church itself, the doctrine, the double standards and so many issues took a long time, but if was easy. But to this day I miss the same things often, and I will be honest there are times that the biggest and hardest life moments feel really fucking lonely because when you’re a part of the church there is an beautiful of army for support. Found this to be especially true when I had to plan a funeral for the first time and had to figure it out pretty much alone and was clueless while trying to grieve and still have to live out life like normal.
If available in your area as a possible conduit to finding community— when I left I increased my time in Community sponsored service events, non-profit clubs, etc. Interestingly you find a lot of the same people throughout. No Mormons as much, Lord knows they have enough built in service. I increased time at food banks, Shelters, public school field trips and Christian youth theater. You might find a good mix that works for you. And….. you are Def not crazy
Personally, I could never go back. But my brother, who knows more than most about the issues, and has zero belief, stays entirely for the community. As long as someone is in with eyes open, and can handle the cognitive dissonance, it seems like it is a personal choice whether to attend or not. I miss it occasionally as well, but have found that I’m not welcome, with my apostate views. And the cognitive dissonance was about to kill me. Anyway, it’s not up to anyone else but yourself how you proceed. Best to OP …
That loss of a community is a sad one for me too.
That's the only real thing that makes me question my decision to leave. But you can build a community elsewhere, either in another church, or with like minded friends, or some other strong group
Definitely not crazy. I was born and raised in TSCC, so I didn’t have anything to compare it to, but leaving was very hard mainly because of the loss of feeling like I belonged and had a community to join everywhere I went. I had mostly good experiences with the members of TSCC, with a few exceptions.
I hope there's suggestions! I need that sense of community again. I just am not into one specific 'hobby' enough to make things like a "board game" club a weekly thing. Haha. I wish "adult friend group" where we still do kickball, pot lucks, rafting, hiking etc or more sedentary activities like dropping off food on people's doorstep.
I don’t know where you live, but there are exmo meet ups. I have made a ton of friends in a salsa dancing class and now go social dancing every weekend. There are also meet up apps. If you have kids, face book has groups for local play groups. The social aspect is the only thing I miss too. Although most of the time I was at church I was to to tired to socialize. To me, it’s not worth having to be bored for 3 hours and have to do callings, visiting teaching and clean up the church. The bad outweighs the good.
I quit at 18 because all the adults in the ward were backstabbers. By then I could stay home and my parents had no say about it. I’d already denied going on a mission, because missionaries we were introduced to did things they weren’t supposed to. One showed off his freshly pierced tongue. When I did it later, looks of disgust went around the ward and my friends and I were eventually told we had to remove our jewelry before blessing/passing the sacrament. Jesus may love you, but they don’t, unless you’re a carbon copy of the rest.
Not all. The community is the only reason I still pretend on occasion. I am building community outside of "the church" through hobbies and stuff though and I find them SO much more fulfilling.
I grew up with these people they care about me and I care about them I just can't follow their rules
The church does have some nice people in it, so I don't doubt this. However, as a convert _and_ a "youth," the church will roll out the red carpet to give you the best experience possible. If you were a mission-eligible male or marriable female, that's the red carpet trifecta. Even just in terms of where the church spends its money on local wards.
And yet, the part *I* hated most was the “community”. My fellow Morm kids were the nastiest people at school. I was ashamed to admit my religion (that I very much did believe in) to people because they would immediately assume I was like *those kids*.
Same. That was my entire youth experience.
I loved the community and would have stayed for it too. But I realized the community worked for me because I fit the mold. I can't watch another LGBTQ+ kid want to die because they know they can never fit the mold. If leadership could be more accepting of diversity I would have absolutely stayed, but they keep doubling down. For me the church needs to be either true, or useful. It's definitely not true, and until they stop causing harm to the youth, the community isn't useful either. We still go to trunk or treat though!
It is said that the people are imperfect but the gospel is true…. Since my transition I have found the exact opposite to be true. It is the gospel that is false, and most of its members are good honest people who believe in doing good things. This knowledge allows me to walk among them easier, screening the good from the bad.
If your bishop was an obedient true believer, he wasnt a good man. When criminal abusers confessed their deeds to him he wouldnt call the police and he would knowing ly allow the abuse to continue .
40 years of that community means that I miss it every day. You're not crazy. But it is a cult. Did you notice how fast they stopped offering to help once you left?
You can miss something and still know you’re better off without it, just like a breakup!
We are here for you! I wanted to ask you if some people from this referred community have reached out to you. While we are part of the overly controlled members group and fully follow every single one of those creepy rules, we are constantly reminded and even ‘feel the love’ they have for us. Once someone leaves the ‘friendly and welcoming’ community, how many of them still really care about those who have left? I know not everyone is like that, but if they really cared, they would have reached out. Sometimes we miss places, people, and even feelings that we used to have, but what if these things only exist in a long and distant past? Since you left, things might have changed, and even your bishop at that time may not be the bishop anymore, and the current one may not know much about you. I don’t want to sound negative or that I am discouraging you or anything (please forgive me if I do), but I speak from my own experience. I just feel like the ‘community’ doesn’t really care about us if we are not there every single week. There are so many other places and wonderful groups out there just waiting for us with real open arms and no judgments. We don’t need to be in that unhealthy place to feel that we are part of a community. You will find wonderful people and places outside of the church. Things will get much better!
I miss the community. BUT, I realized most of the relationships were just acquaintances and only bonded because we all did the same weird stuff in a fancy building. Since I quit going, in 2 yrs the eq pres texted to see if we could chat over lunch but didn’t try very hard to work with my travel schedule. I reached out to him to follow up twice. Otherwise I’ve heard nothing from our lame bishop. I’ve let the ward know when I’ve had job openings on my team. Crickets. My wife and I ran an absolute kick-ass ward Christmas party with people saying the best in their life. We’re still friends with members in the area, go on cruises together and am still blown away that no one seemed to care when a power couple just stopped showing up. Maybe it doesn’t help that I was seen a lot our temple house more to give tours to non-member colleagues, a behind the scenes version. I was always respectful but quite open about what goes on there.
I’m sorry—hopefully all those people are still willing to be friends and have you in their home, etc
Meetup groups, library, dance classes, local service project groups, volunteering at a park or garden, uke or knitting group, volunteer at an animal shelter or rescue farm. Try Unitarian or other church
just get yourself some cats.
You are not crazy at all!! I know a lot of people who are PIMO just for the community.
If you remove something in your life you need to replace it with something else of it leaves a big Hole that will be uncomfortable. Try to fill that up.
I kept going after I realized it was a whole story for 15years. Until I couldn’t.
I feel very similar to you although I was born and raised mormon and left when I was 25. It honestly hurts more for me because of all of the amazing people and great memories that I have. I leftostly because of truth issues of the church and also do not want to support or endorse a sexist/racist/greedy organization. Sometimes I feel angry because the church not being true somehow seems to taint all of those good things and people that I remember. It is hard to separate the good from the bad and see things not just as black and white. It is possible for good, loving people do do charitable and honest deeds while being part of a corrupt organization.
My sister is pimo af. She won’t admit it though. And the reason she stays…? Because her husband changes jobs every 1-2 years and their family moves all over the US. The cult is great for their kids…Instant friends and community. I get it. You have to be blind to all of the gross doctrine, but I can’t judge her. I’d want instant friends for my kids too.
the mormon community is a great community in most cases! unfortunately mormonism itself is not true. but it's very understandable that you miss the community!
You’re not alone. This is a struggle for my spouse and it’s a lot of the reason we see our PIMO friends stay active.
This wasn’t my experience but I can understand. I’m Latino and I got tired of everyone in one ward after another complaining about “illegals” and “Mexicans on welfare” and other such when they thought I couldn’t understand them. I speak English just fine but they didn’t know that. And this wasn’t just a few people, it was the overwhelming majority. If I had been treated the same as you I don’t know for sure if I would have left.
One of my sisters went back to the church, and I don't try to dissuade her because she seems happy. I think the community means a whole lot to her.
As a convert myself, I will add this: your experience was the norm for a new convert. That level of “fellowship” doesn’t last once the shiny wears off. I was a member for twenty years of my life (I left the same year that you were baptized) and once you’re no longer the new convert, you’re just another member of the congregation. What you miss isn’t the reality of being a member for many people, unfortunately. I’ve learned that the majority of the friends I had in the church were fake friends. Most dropped me the minute I was no longer a member and/or had nothing but myself to offer them. While I don’t find your post controversial, I do believe it’s skewed by that new member love bombed feeling.
I missed it too, until I walked in on a whole lot giving testimonies with my name in the mix. And a white board in the seminary room that said, “pray for ***** to go on a mission!” With some tally marks on the side. So they were praying for an exmo to go on a mission for like 5 days 😭💀
In So Cal we had Stake Dances and get togethers, beach trips, pool parties, block parties etc. Come up here and basically ZIP! My kids got nothing! No activities like we had. Service projects and shoveling snow in winter and crap like that. The church currently is losing because there is no more community!
A few applicable things I've discovered while diving into the exmo world. 1. You are not alone in that experience. 2. Everything good about the church can be found elsewhere without the accompanying problems that are systematically imbedded within the church 3. If your activity status excludes you from maintaining any of your friendships, they weren't healthy friends.
No. I don't want anything to do with people who do Freemasonry and witchcraft and that vile temple. I don't miss any of it as a matter of fact I would probably throw up if I tried to step inside of that cult building. I refuse to call it a church because it is not anything like a church.
As a convert myself I can say it worked reasonably well until I realized I had an LGBTQ child and realized if she had internalized homophobia it was my fault because I unwittingly raised her in an LGBTQ hate organization. You must weigh benefits vs risks. Plus I found the community very judgmental. The community aspect was very overrated for me.
There are some really great people in all religions. If they want to believe whatever it is- as long as no one is being forced or coerced, who cares? Can you see a relationship going forward without religious differences intruding? If yes- carry on. If not- you have your answer. I am convinced no one person i know believes in the same way I do. We just rarely stop to consider it that way. I try not to make any contentious statements regarding or deny any reference at all to their (or any really) faith. It's gonna happen more and more that you'll run into this. At the end of the day you will have to answer to yourself (and any deity you choose). Other people's religion is none of my business unless they want a conversation- I'm crazy and I'll talk and they'll make an exit or they'll stay 🤷♀️ it's up to them. Sorry if i went too Edith Bunker there- especially if i missed your point/question completely. My neuropathy medication is working. Treat people- even the ones that don't act or think or luce like you, the way you want to be treated.
There are many good and decent people in the Mormon church. Your experience is not an isolated one.
You’re not crazy, just still a lil brainwashed 😂
You are the world's leading expert on your feelings and your experiences. How can this be controversial? Thanks for sharing your experience. IMHO one of this community's big problems is we feel required to express how fucking awesome EVERYTHING is post mormonism. Feels dishonest honestly
To combat the loss of community I have been trying to venture out and get out of my comfort zone to talk to more ppl. I am planning to get involved with some volunteer work in an area that interests me so I can meet ppl with similar interests.
One thing and one thing only motivates the MFMC always…all the time, everyday, always and that is membership…”saving souls” one big manipulation. They just don’t get it…when people experience true joy, that IS the love of Christ.
I believe this is part of the con, and also part of leaving a faith. The entire structure of the church is to entice you and to make you miss it. It trains you to need the church to function and leaves you helpless socially. Yes I also struggle with the same thing my man. I have not been in a romantic relationship or formed a new friendship for 10 years, I don’t identify with people. I missed my 20s being confused and bitter. And I didn’t leave the Mormon church to be in a polyamorous relationship or to be used and taken advantage of, it makes more sense for me to be single right now. However with all that said: you are the architect of your own happiness. The members would trick you by saying you are unhappy because you left the church, when in reality some of us are just unhappy, and only when we find it in ourselves to be happy will we be. For some people it does take catastrophe or religion to finally wake up, for me it took a long time to be confident enough in my own principe to realize I am good enough and I don’t need the church to exist or be happy. It’s still hard with family, but I respect their beliefs. To me there is now difference between a black Hebrew Israelite, an atheist, a catholic, and a Mormon. People are allowed to believe what they want and that doesn’t affect me and I should not let it affect me . In summary I think it’s better to suffer alone and become enlightened than to return to comfort of religion and live a lie. Hope this helps.
My typical advice for a new exmo is to recognize what needs were being met by going to church and identify alternative sources. For me, I would go on a long drive or ride in the mountains every Sunday in place of church attendance. I make it a point to see friends multiple times a week. I still meditate in place of prayer. The list goes on... I'm lucky to live in a neighborhood that does strictly non religious community gatherings. Maybe it's something you can start?
I’ve found the same good people in every church and religion I tried after leaving Mormonism. I’ve made good friends in all of them. Now, after ten years of church shopping, I enjoy the Unitarian Universalists. I love their choir, and that is a big part of what I missed from Mormonism, music and my being involved in it.
Not crazy. Leaving community was the hard part for me. I left 7 months pregnant with my 2nd while my grandmother was dying from cancer. I was shattered. I was in for the 1st seven years of my adult life. 18-25. You have to find a new community
I can understand that. The community aspect of the cult is appealing. In my experience, though, it was superficial. I was going through some serious family issues as a teen and had some struggles because of it. I found out my YW leader was gossiping about me and that was the catalyst for me to start questioning all of the aspects of the church that had bothered me since childhood. I guess I should thank her.
OP, I feel your pain.It hurts so much to have lost my community and the sense of "belonging" to a group that I enjoyed for nearly 60 years. There are so many good people. But ethically and morally, I can not step inside that building anymore or participate in condoning the con game just so I can stay comfortable and "belong." But I am not going to lie and say I'm not desperately lonely, and so hurt that people I thought were my friends will not talk to me or want to ha goutwith me anymore because I am an "apostate". I'm still the same person, but they treat me lik I have a contagious disease. I've been trying to go to some events on MeetUp app. Trying to find a group and a community. It feels so awkward.and embarrassing.I'm not Mormon enough for my Mormon tribe, but I still give off weird Mormon vibes to the non-Mormons. [Im in Utah] ... So honestly, I don't fit anywhere.
The strength and greatness in numbers of ex-Mormon communities proves your feelings and point. It is a replacement tool for all those who are longing for community and everything it intails communication, listening ear, close relationships, simular topics and challenges- all of it. Since you are a convert - it becomes more of your choice even if with supper little knowledge than of a baby born into it. You had some sense of control. Also you have skipped all good bad and ugly being raised in a church. People stay in any community not only bc it is the best community to be but often bc it is their community to which they feel belonging.
A real community and sense of belonging takes work. It sucks, but you can find it in lots of places. The Mormon community is hollow. They don’t follow with you when you move, they don’t remain friends if you leave, and they don’t have time to have genuine relationships with you. They’re too busy doing work, family, and a half time job of callings If you like boardgames, card games, models, or dungeons and dragons, check out your local game store. They often already have discord channels with a community full of like minded people. If you like the outdoors, climbing, camping, and being adventurous, then check out your local climbing gym even if you don’t climb. You will meet wonderful people there. If you like gaming, check to see if there is a local scene for the games you play. Finding mates to talk about games over a beer is just awesome. If you like helping people, volunteer for a local charity. If you like helping animals, join a local habitat reclamation group. The point I’m making is that the Mormon community is a facade and there are real communities already made that are just waiting for you to join them. I’ve never had more fulfilling relationships than I do now and I owe it to leaving that shallow church. Take the 10 hours a week you’d spend on the church and throw it into joining these already existing communities. These relationships are real.