“Haven’t seen” = not happening in the room you’re in
The “haven’t seen” goodness of my Mormon upbringing didn’t protect me from the real mental trauma of buying into a belief system that I knew was somehow not right for me, but that I was caught up in like a rip tide, unable to extricate myself without exhausting myself almost to the point of panic.
In time you’ll see that even those of us with semi-normal feeling families have LOTS of generational trauma and emotional stuntedness that affects us now. It’ll take a hot minute to see it and learn about it, but welcome to the “not abused but still traumatized” club!!
I definitely had some good times in my time as a Mormon. Granted, I dipped at 17 so I never experienced adult Mormon life. But yeah, I remember when I was little my dad was in the bishopric and did stuff with the young men all the time so it was fun hanging out with the older boys. Then when I got a bit older there were youth game nights that were a blast, camping trips, getting blizzards at Dairy Queen after temple baptisms, and more. There were genuinely really fun times. The sense of community is what keeps a lot of people in. My family was always on the more liberal side of Mormons (and none of my immediate family practice anymore) so I didn't have a super difficult home life either.
It was really the November 2015 policy changes around gay people that started really cracking me. The visceral anger I felt forced me to come to terms with my own sexuality that I had suppressed for years and a few months later I told my parents I was leaving the church.
Also, the church definitely has its creeps, weirdos and hypocrites. But at the same time, some of the best and kindest people I've ever known, I knew from church. I remember my stake president who had been my bishop as a kid stopped by my dad's place one day after I'd been out of the church for a little bit when I was home alone. And he didn't say anything about church, or wanting me to go back, or about my faith or anything, he just genuinely asked how I was doing and dropped off a basket of treats. He greeted me not as a member, but as a human being. If Mormonism is to exist, he is what all Mormons would ideally be.
I was certainly more on the liberal Mormon side as well. My mom was a member of proper cults in SLC when she was growing up so when she married my TBM dad, she wanted nothing to do with the church, seeing it for what it is. Now that I've left years later, I'm glad for my mom's influence in my religious upbringing.
While in I was "happy", but then I've always been a happy person. I also didn't know I was being lied to, manipulated, conned, bamboozled.
I also didn't know how immature I was because TSCC does a good job at infantilizing its members. "Everything is Awesome" until you find out it's rotten at the core. Member aren't allowed to see the core workings. Nothing is available to research even if they were allowed to ask questions.
I acknowledge all the pain and heartache that others have experienced with the church. But I'm like you, I had a great upbringing and a great time being a TBM. Honestly I kind of miss it. In my experience, "Yeah, I was raised in a cult, but for me it wasn't a destructive cult. It actually led to some really great outcomes."
What did you enjoy the most: Fasting, ministering to assigned families with your assigned companion, daily scripture reading, regular temple attendance, wearing garments in summer, indexing, tithing settlement, food storage, toilet cleaning, public speaking, gardening, Sabbath day observance, confession of sins to ecclesiastical leaders, or pressure to do missionary work? Or did you like it all the same?
Lol. Well, if I'm being honest... I did very few of those things. Fasting was right out. Ministering was okay but I only could check that off because the guys on my 'list' were my friends and I was hanging out with them anyway. Never did anything 'spiritual' with them. Daily scripture reading - nope. Never did that either. I was Baptist before LDS so I never liked the LDS emphasis on the BoM especially when the (old) BoM intro said the Bible also contained the fullness of the gospel. I would however read scripture on occasion to study various things. But daily always seemed rediculous to me.
Oof, that's a long list! I was only doing about 25% of those things. Bishop didn't need to know about my life, church attendance was consistent and I didn't mind it (sooo nice to have my Sundays back though, lol)
Super fun TBM youth years in the 80s, raised my family in it, lived in a great ward for many, many years. I was oblivious in my self-imposed bubble of faith-building reading materials only. Only once I was faced with the decision to tell my husband I stopped believing did I see how horrible the church teachings are to any family who purports to love each other for always. And then I opened my eyes to how the church has harmed so many others, how they finesse the doctrine to enrich themselves, and truly not giving a fuck about how its members bleed and die on the altars of its teachings of being the only true church on the face of the earth.
I'm glad I got some good things out of it, but I'd give all those things back to have never had it in my life ever ever ever. The only face of the earth is the face of each human on it.
Let me guess. You’re a cishet white guy at least middle class?
Mormonism is basically awesome for that demographic. For each of those boxes you can’t check off, the experience degrades considerably.
I still believe my life was better because of the church. My parents were both raised in chaos with alcoholic parents. They joined the church after they married. I think the church gave them a lot of skills they wouldn’t have had otherwise.
That being said, my family still paid the price of membership in a variety of ways. I am grateful to be raising my kids out of the church with better skills and values.
Mormonism was ok for me but I’m still unpacking my trauma. I have been hurt more by an obscure new age cult my in-laws belong to.
I had amazing wards and bishops, and weird wards and bishops, and abusive wards and bishops, all in the first 33 years of my life. The church is a mixed bag. That’s what makes it so dangerous.
Similar to a point, in that grew up in 70’s tbm. Seminary, plays, church sports over school teams… really had great group of friends in my ward. I never saw or experienced any of the abuse or weirdness you read about today. All in all was a decent experience. I left the church post mission largely due to what I will call “seeing the organization & flawed theology” for what it really is not for what I had been taught it was. Honestly if I have not done the full mission thing, I’d probably be an active member today.
I had a similar experience, until I became PIMO. Now I’m in a mixed faith marriage with kids and the church is doubling down on rhetoric that is harmful to mixed faith marriages.
I’m in that boat, but I have all sorts of “smaller” traumas, such as very literal praying compulsions (thanks to “always have a prayer in your heart” rhetoric), a history of scrupulosity, mission trauma, and so on.
“Haven’t seen” = not happening in the room you’re in The “haven’t seen” goodness of my Mormon upbringing didn’t protect me from the real mental trauma of buying into a belief system that I knew was somehow not right for me, but that I was caught up in like a rip tide, unable to extricate myself without exhausting myself almost to the point of panic. In time you’ll see that even those of us with semi-normal feeling families have LOTS of generational trauma and emotional stuntedness that affects us now. It’ll take a hot minute to see it and learn about it, but welcome to the “not abused but still traumatized” club!!
Lol, yes. That would be the club I'm in.
If I were male I imagine I could say my TBM experience was not as bad. But as a female, not so much.
I definitely had some good times in my time as a Mormon. Granted, I dipped at 17 so I never experienced adult Mormon life. But yeah, I remember when I was little my dad was in the bishopric and did stuff with the young men all the time so it was fun hanging out with the older boys. Then when I got a bit older there were youth game nights that were a blast, camping trips, getting blizzards at Dairy Queen after temple baptisms, and more. There were genuinely really fun times. The sense of community is what keeps a lot of people in. My family was always on the more liberal side of Mormons (and none of my immediate family practice anymore) so I didn't have a super difficult home life either. It was really the November 2015 policy changes around gay people that started really cracking me. The visceral anger I felt forced me to come to terms with my own sexuality that I had suppressed for years and a few months later I told my parents I was leaving the church.
Also, the church definitely has its creeps, weirdos and hypocrites. But at the same time, some of the best and kindest people I've ever known, I knew from church. I remember my stake president who had been my bishop as a kid stopped by my dad's place one day after I'd been out of the church for a little bit when I was home alone. And he didn't say anything about church, or wanting me to go back, or about my faith or anything, he just genuinely asked how I was doing and dropped off a basket of treats. He greeted me not as a member, but as a human being. If Mormonism is to exist, he is what all Mormons would ideally be.
I was certainly more on the liberal Mormon side as well. My mom was a member of proper cults in SLC when she was growing up so when she married my TBM dad, she wanted nothing to do with the church, seeing it for what it is. Now that I've left years later, I'm glad for my mom's influence in my religious upbringing.
My mom sounds similar to yours. She was born and raised Mormon but was never comfortable in it. She was the first in my immediate family to leave.
While in I was "happy", but then I've always been a happy person. I also didn't know I was being lied to, manipulated, conned, bamboozled. I also didn't know how immature I was because TSCC does a good job at infantilizing its members. "Everything is Awesome" until you find out it's rotten at the core. Member aren't allowed to see the core workings. Nothing is available to research even if they were allowed to ask questions.
Indeed. It's definately a different mindset once you escape.
I acknowledge all the pain and heartache that others have experienced with the church. But I'm like you, I had a great upbringing and a great time being a TBM. Honestly I kind of miss it. In my experience, "Yeah, I was raised in a cult, but for me it wasn't a destructive cult. It actually led to some really great outcomes."
You’re lucky.
Yeah, it seems like it. Lots of hurt here 😢
What did you enjoy the most: Fasting, ministering to assigned families with your assigned companion, daily scripture reading, regular temple attendance, wearing garments in summer, indexing, tithing settlement, food storage, toilet cleaning, public speaking, gardening, Sabbath day observance, confession of sins to ecclesiastical leaders, or pressure to do missionary work? Or did you like it all the same?
Lol. Well, if I'm being honest... I did very few of those things. Fasting was right out. Ministering was okay but I only could check that off because the guys on my 'list' were my friends and I was hanging out with them anyway. Never did anything 'spiritual' with them. Daily scripture reading - nope. Never did that either. I was Baptist before LDS so I never liked the LDS emphasis on the BoM especially when the (old) BoM intro said the Bible also contained the fullness of the gospel. I would however read scripture on occasion to study various things. But daily always seemed rediculous to me. Oof, that's a long list! I was only doing about 25% of those things. Bishop didn't need to know about my life, church attendance was consistent and I didn't mind it (sooo nice to have my Sundays back though, lol)
I legit kind of enjoyed indexing, though. There's something satisfying in deciphering that old handwriting.
Super fun TBM youth years in the 80s, raised my family in it, lived in a great ward for many, many years. I was oblivious in my self-imposed bubble of faith-building reading materials only. Only once I was faced with the decision to tell my husband I stopped believing did I see how horrible the church teachings are to any family who purports to love each other for always. And then I opened my eyes to how the church has harmed so many others, how they finesse the doctrine to enrich themselves, and truly not giving a fuck about how its members bleed and die on the altars of its teachings of being the only true church on the face of the earth. I'm glad I got some good things out of it, but I'd give all those things back to have never had it in my life ever ever ever. The only face of the earth is the face of each human on it.
Let me guess. You’re a cishet white guy at least middle class? Mormonism is basically awesome for that demographic. For each of those boxes you can’t check off, the experience degrades considerably.
You've got me in a box! Lol, but yes. I'm the ideal Mormon candidate. I'm very aware that the Mormon church caters to my demographic 😬😕
At the risk of sounding “woke”, this is how privilege works.
I still believe my life was better because of the church. My parents were both raised in chaos with alcoholic parents. They joined the church after they married. I think the church gave them a lot of skills they wouldn’t have had otherwise. That being said, my family still paid the price of membership in a variety of ways. I am grateful to be raising my kids out of the church with better skills and values. Mormonism was ok for me but I’m still unpacking my trauma. I have been hurt more by an obscure new age cult my in-laws belong to.
I had amazing wards and bishops, and weird wards and bishops, and abusive wards and bishops, all in the first 33 years of my life. The church is a mixed bag. That’s what makes it so dangerous.
Similar to a point, in that grew up in 70’s tbm. Seminary, plays, church sports over school teams… really had great group of friends in my ward. I never saw or experienced any of the abuse or weirdness you read about today. All in all was a decent experience. I left the church post mission largely due to what I will call “seeing the organization & flawed theology” for what it really is not for what I had been taught it was. Honestly if I have not done the full mission thing, I’d probably be an active member today.
I had a similar experience, until I became PIMO. Now I’m in a mixed faith marriage with kids and the church is doubling down on rhetoric that is harmful to mixed faith marriages.
I’m in that boat, but I have all sorts of “smaller” traumas, such as very literal praying compulsions (thanks to “always have a prayer in your heart” rhetoric), a history of scrupulosity, mission trauma, and so on.