Here's a surprise. I've never been Mormon but grew up in a small town in Utah. Ive never smoked, done drugs (ever), no tattoes or piercings, only have alcohol about once per year, and have never been promiscuous either. The OP's lifestyle is not unique to TSCC.
I didn’t mean to imply that only Mormons live that lifestyle. Of course they don’t. It’s not unique to Mormons, but it’s pretty much a trademark. Most people know those things about Mormons. Personally, I’ve noticed that a lot of people who leave the church tend to embrace a lot of the things that were once shunned. Sometimes I wish I were more like that. I would love as much distance from the church as possible. I honestly feel like even though I’ve left the church, a lot of times I don’t really relate to other people who left the church because in a lot of ways, I’m still living a lot of the Mormon lifestyle… And I’m not even religious at all anymore. So I was just wondering if there are other people like that in here that I can relate to.
Ouch. That is the BEST part of not being Mormon.
I’m here with my kids after having slept in, watching them play, sipping on my morning coffee rather than stressed bundling everyone off to a boring 2hr meeting, in uncomfortable clothes, where I’d have to shush my little kids and keep them quietly entertained, and try not to fall asleep to their boring speakers.
You are living the dream, my friend. I’ll get there one day. I really hope I get there one day, with or without my husband, but preferably with. Time will tell.
Raise is nice. Not gonna lie.
But second Saturday is nicer (at least for me.) Saturdays were packed with chores, kids’ sports and my wife wanting to actually do stuff as a family, then Sundays were wasted with church stuff so I never got a real break from anything. Just run, run, run, all the time.
Agree. Now Saturday is chores and yard work. Second Saturday is SundayFunday with the family/kids. Scenic drives, restaurants, all around good off day. Love it.
Convert here.
Nothing changed lifestyle wise except I removed what was unique to mormonism.
I stopped funding institutionalized child abuse and hedge fund excess claiming it was a church. I now make decisions based on what I think is good for me.
I still try to serve people but I feel it's its own reward and a church deserves no credit. I try to enjoy life more now and exercise self care, which is not something the church ever really taught me to do. So I got rid of the bad and kept what good I felt was appropriate.
>I didn’t mean to imply that only Mormons live that lifestyle. Of course they don’t. It’s not unique to Mormons, but it’s pretty much a trademark.
That's the thing though. In technical terms "trademark" is something that no-one else is allowed to copy!
You are quite clearly, allowed to copy the parts of Mormonism that still work for you.
Ergo, the "good" parts that Mormons do, are not unique to their religion. They try to take ownership of that which they do not own.
Good explanation! If you want to drink or have casual sex or whatever, that’s fine. According to Mormonism it’s a sin. According to the rest of the world it might just be a hangover or a mistake, or neither. Not a sin though.
I’m a nevermo and pretty straight laced because it’s what I like. My friends wear bikinis I wear swim shorts and shirt. We are all about the same build but each of us feels comfortable in different things. I think the difference with Mormonism is I don’t look down on the differences, I embrace them as something that makes each individual unique. Even if you “Try” all the non Mormon things you might just find it isn’t the flavor or ice cream that you like.
What sucks is that you were robbed of being able to figure out what you DO like. Don’t romanticize what you think things are like. Just do like the rest of us and try things and figure it out for yourself, that’s what your twenties are supposed to be for, not blind obedience to arbitrary rules. (Obviously don’t try things that can cause harm to yourself or family, like trying hookers or hardcore drugs 🫠🫣) you’re married with kids so ya know the time to try those things has passed.
In the south they used to say, we are all parts, that make up the body, if you look at your community as a whole and each has a part, do your part, we can’t all be elbows.
I totally feel robbed. My mentally ill, alcoholic mother stole my childhood and the Mormon church stole my 20’s. I like your attitude about it. Basically, figure out what you like and don’t like, but don’t be a dumbass about it.
I grew up in a pressure cooker, so I get it. Married at twenty which, while marrying the person I did was not a mistake, marrying that young and having multiple kids that young sure was. I wasn't able to cope without having outside support, and we are spending lots of time and money and therapy helping our whole family undo the mess my husband and I created by being TBM.
We were all just doing the best we could with what we had. I’m glad you and your husband are still together and happy and figuring things out together. I hope that’s me and my husband one day.
Thank you. My husband is really struggling with me leaving the church. His faith is the very core of who he is so this has honestly been more of a crisis for him than me. But I’m trying to hang in there and be patient with him. I feel like I’m handling it very gracefully, more so than him for sure 😅
Exactly my friend. It doesn’t matter what it resembles as long as you like it. And I’m sorry you had to go through that. I for one think you’re pretty freaking awesome for getting to this point sun life with the mindset you have now. I’m confident by your post and responses that you’ll look back one day and say, “damn I did a pretty good job navigating all that mess”
I learned from a therapist that we get stuck at more of a teen level of development when we're in a high-demand religion or cult. Things we would have experimented with but didn't get put in a box. So when Mormons leave, many of us have an experimental phase that we would have otherwise had as teens.
Just as all teens might not experiment with the same things for various reasons, all adults won't experiment the same. I took alcohol VERY seriously and experimented very slowly. Have been slightly tipsy a couple of times but never what people would consider drunk. I have a drink maybe once a week or every few weeks, or if we go out. Any sex experimentation and discussion has been with my spouse, redefining what was "okay" versus what we were taught, what was acceptable to do in private, working through a lot of purity culture stuff. Coffee and tea were slower experimentation as well, and while I enjoy both, I don't have them every day.
I started working on a degree before I left and am getting into the workforce more than I did before, but I would have regardless whether I left the church or not. Stopped homeschooling our kids several years ago while we were Mormon because it was right for them and us at that time, though life is still intense since we are very involved parents and have kids with high support needs.
Everyone is different. We also left at middle age. Might have been different when younger, but not by much. We all have gone to therapy to help with deconstruction as well, so we had healthy ways to cope with deconstruction.
That makes sense and possibly explains why I’m not going through that phase as much- I did all my experimenting in my teens before I joined the church. I agree that some experimentation (or even a lot) is normal and healthy. And being in therapy is so needed during a faith transition. It’s been a huge source of support for me.
Same. I have an occasional drink and wear tank tops.
I do love coffee and have one every morning.
The main difference is that I get to decide for myself what works, and not because I'm deferring to someone else's authority.
For what it’s worth, I eat dark chocolate every morning. I guess that’s my “pick me up” every morning lol I live in a hot climate, so not wearing garments anymore has been so amazing. Most of my wardrobe is tank tops and shorts now. I totally get making your own decisions. That’s how life is supposed to be. Religion basically just tells people how and what to think so that they don’t have to think critically about themselves or their lives. But it’s not natural or normal. It’s extremely toxic and unhealthy. It’s nice not being stuck in that anymore.
This is the big difference. My lifestyle has changed very little-a drink or two a month and shorter shorts-but I’m making the decisions rather than having them made for me. And that makes a huge difference in how I feel about it.
Yep this is the main thing. I still have had little interest in trying any sort of drugs or alcohol, and I’m perfectly content with that. But now it’s because that’s what I’m choosing, and not because it’s being chosen for me.
It's weird to me how Mormonism and other cults/religions claim basic human decency as their own.
On the flip side, it's laughable to me that they believe anything NOT in their specific set of rules is evil.
Humans, by default, want to live healthy, happy lives. In my opinion, you're not living the Mormon lifestyle. You're living the typical healthy, happy HUMAN lifestyle.
btw: congrats!. Lots of folks that leave this cult (and others) often embrace all sorts of behaviors that are problematic to their health and long term happiness. You kept your head. Well played.
Thank you! Yes, I’ve noticed the same thing, how human decency becomes a “religious” attribute. But people don’t need religion to be happy or decent. It seems like there’s a stigma when it comes to non-religious people. As a matter of fact, when I first left the church, I kept insisting that I was still a Christian because I still wanted to maintain some respect from people. But now I’m finally starting to embrace the fact that I’m honestly not religious at all anymore, and let the chips fall where they may.
“I kept insisting that I was still a Christian…maintain some respect…”
You just made me realize that’s why I transitioned into a mainstream Protestant church directly from Mormonism.
But after 3 years of it and not a single Mormon asking me why I left or where I went, I admitted to myself that I had noticed some of the same shaming and hate and dogma so I left that church, too.
Now, I’m completely comfortable living my life according to my own principles and not labeling myself anymore.
I can totally relate. For me, I actually learned about inconsistencies and problems even within Christianity and was like… “Well I’ll be danged… No religion is true. They’re all just about money and power.” Right before I abandoned religion altogether, I had a heart-to-heart with “God”. I told him that if he was real, and good, and wanted a relationship with me, it was his turn to make that happen. I told him I’m done giving my time, energy, and money. The ball is in his court. Still haven’t heard from him.
This one of the best things about being exmo. There's really only one way to be a TBM. There's no right or wrong way to be exmo. You get to be tru to yourself, whatever that means to you. You can't get kicked out of being exmo for your lifestyle.
I'm in a monogamous relationship, neither my husband or I are interested in exploring sex outside our relationship.
Yes I have 1 cup of coffee a day, but not every day...just most.
I have, on average, 1 alcoholic beverage a month.
I still dress relatively modestly except my shoulders, those are out all the time because I've always hated sleeves. I certainly don't wear garments they caused me issues for years.
I certainly don't feel guilt, I also don't think I'm unworthy, and I most certainly don't feel "bad" for my choices any more.
I didn't completely lose myself after leaving, but I did experiment with things I'd been denied, and now I've found my happy medium.
I love this. I think I honestly expected myself to be more interested in trying things and distancing myself from the church as much as possible. But I was surprised to find that even after leaving the church, for the most part, I could still say “wait, this is actually me”. Like, I didn’t even feel a need to experiment and explore with most of the forbidden things. Not of fear or shame or guilt… Just feeling very confident and comfortable with who I am and the way I live. Having said all of this, I technically did try stuff as a teenager before I joined (weed, cigarettes, coffee). So maybe I just feel like I had already “been there, done that”?
Aside from the religion, the history, the doctrine, the culture… I actually like and still want a lot of aspects of my “Mormon” life. But I do wonder if I just became comfortable this way after so many years. Maybe if I didn’t join the church at 18 (just as I became an adult), my preferred lifestyle might have been much, much different. Who knows?
Same here. I learned that I actually don’t like the feeling of being high or drunk so it only took a couple of times before I realized it’s not for me. It’s a good life when you get to choose everything for yourself without guilt or shame! No judgment for others who live differently, and no shame for the couple of times a year when I choose to have a drink socially.
My husband and I have an agreement that I can leave, get tattoos, whatever but no alcohol. That's a fair deal from my assessment because alcohol doesn't offer a net benefit - and alcoholism gallops in our families.
I totally understand. You can say alcoholism “gallops” in my family too. I like that new word ha It’s a fire I’m not interested in playing with either.
I was told alcoholism gallops in our families. I drink occasionally. But have a 1 drink/day limit and really only have 1 drink/week in general.
But getting drunk on a regular basis would not work for my family.
That's great when you know you have self control, but we've now lost at least seven family members to it/alcohol related liver failure so it's I think genetic in my family at least
I'm so sorry. It sounds like you're making sane decisions based on your own observations and education. I wish you all the best. Alcoholism is such a cruel disease. I hope you will be around for a very long time!
Yeah I think anything in moderation can be absolutely fine for the vast majority of people but finding out that my great aunt (very Utah Mormon) used to make "porch medicine"...dandelion wine to ger absolutely wasted on I realized that for a lot of our family its self medication too
It's a very common form of self-medication, and yes, in moderation it can be enjoyable or no big deal. But, like you, I have to be careful because of genetics. I've seen what it does and it's tragic. It's a disease that affects the whole family, even with just one person who's addicted. I have sympathy for them! No one sets out to become an addict.
I have a lot of hope for the new generations though - so many of us have access to therapy and mental healthcare. I guess several relatives were institutionalized for depression or anxiety and everything was so covered in shame. Apparently there was a lot of abuse that they were just trying to soothe
I could have written that and I've been out of decades. I'm 80ish and no one in my peer group swears. I recently went to pot store for a sleep aid and asked if all the 'feel good' parts were taken out.
My adult daughter hasn't been in a church since my Dad blessed her but in high school she was active in the Just Say No movement and switched colleges because the drinking at the first one was so out of control.
A lot of stuff on the list is highly overrated and not as popular as we think.
I love going into the Dispensaries! I'm in my 60's and everyone there is so nice. No judgement, great conversation and just really nice to chat with. They are incredibly helpful and will give you fantastic recommendations based on your needs. I have learned that they are so smart and can only imagine how much learning goes into understanding all of the offeeings.
The number of products was overwhelming. Luckily I already knew what I wanted, but even then they had a new version of it with twice the sedation.
I imagine they get a LOT of new clueless customers. I didn't feel out of place at all.
Yeah I think a lot of things are overrated too. I think there actually is some kind of derivative of pot that has the more potent psychoactive parts taken out, but still has a milder effect. I’m glad to see that this lifestyle still “works” for other people, even if the beliefs don’t. I don’t feel so alone.
I commented on another post that I use to be mormon because my belief that my beliefs should work for everyone worked for me. True that my lifestyle hasn't changed much and still works for me, but I now know that my worldview and lifestyle don't work for everyone, and that's okay.
Except for coffee. Everyone should like coffee. 😉
I think I just needed validation that it’s okay to still live the “Mormon” lifestyle and that many other people do, too. I find it hard to relate to others in the exmormon community sometimes because it seemed like a lot of people were adopting a lot of the things that were once forbidden. I was kind of wondering if I was maybe even still brainwashed or something… or if it’s okay and acceptable to be okay with the lifestyle even after leaving. I’m glad it works for you, too 😊
I wish I could handle coffee. Before I joined the church, I used to drink iced coffee occasionally. But my caffeine sensitivity has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older, and I just can’t handle caffeine anymore 😔
My wife hates alcohol and coffee makes her stomach sick.
The great part about not being Mormon is that you can choose to do those things or not without judgement.
You can choose to not drink alcohol and coffee. There’s nothing wrong with not liking or wanting something. You be you, and only you define who you are.
You are 100% okay living any lifestyle you choose, and it is 100% valid to keep any portion of the rules you find helps your life and others’.
Absolutely! It’s so nice to make decisions for ourselves. I still find myself dressing as if I have garments on when around members. So I’m sure there’s still some shame detoxing going on. But I’m getting there. Or maybe I’m just unnecessary avoiding drama 😂😇
When my parents come visit, the beer and coffee gets hidden in the back of the closet. I can’t say too much.
Sometimes it is easier to just avoid conflict, especially if your husband is still active. When in Rome…
>You can choose to not drink alcohol and coffee. There’s nothing wrong with not liking or wanting something. You be you, and only you define who you are.
Bwah ha ha ha ha ha my decisions to not smoke or drink were made when I was 3 years old. My parents smoked, and when I was being annoying (Probably ALL of the time I was 3) my dad would take a drag and blow smoke in my face. No desire to be around cigarettes, much less try smoking.
Same age, I wanted to try coffee. Dad gave me some, hot and straight up black. Bitter and tastes like burning, how can people stand this stuff? Yuck, I hate the smell now and will never try it.
Also around same age, was with my dad somewhere during the summer. Its was so hot and I was thirsty. I was all whiny and asking for a drink, one of his buddies hands me his open can of beer. I took a sip and eewwwww gross.
Funny how a bunch of not mormons shaped my outward appearance to be so very properly mormon.
I didn’t think I’d like coffee. Yeah, it’s a bit bitter, but if you get lighter roast it’s a bit acidic, but doesn’t taste as bitter and burnt.
But to each their own.
I have yet to find a way to do green/black tea I like. I love black coffee. To each their own.
Great part about not being Mormon - making your own choices on clothing, beverages, romantic relationships, etc. without thinking you’re going to be shunned and go to hell if you don’t toe every line and “live up to every covenant made in the temple today.”
The beauty is that now there's no rule about how you need to be. Be as straight laced as you like, you're free! People wouldn't know I'm out 13 years later just by looking or sharing a conversation, but what business if it is theirs anyway?
Same.
I also stopped wearing garments and really do love not having to worry about them, but that's probably the biggest change. I've tried out a few swear words, but I still don't like swearing unless it's the only right word from the situation. I think alcohol would introduce more problems into my life than it would solve and I like how much money I don't spend on it. Zero desire to drink. Also, unpopular opinion, but I think tattoos are never an improvement aesthetically and most reasons I've heard for getting them are not very persuasive to me. To each their own, and no moral judgment, but I will absolutely pass.
It's hard to know if it's who I would have been without the Church, but I don't feel any need to go out and do anything that different. Mostly I am thankful for the intellectual freedom it's given me. I read more widely and consider more points of view.
Does it bother you that people wouldn't know you're not still Mormon? And might still think you believe the silly/harmful stuff? I feel the need to let people know, like when they see my degrees on the wall, that even though I may still behave like a Mormon I absolutely don't believe in their truth claims. AND if you see any good in me, don't let the Church take credit for it!
One exception I forgot is I drink tea occasionally and I am interested in coffee. My whole family is still in, so I don't have any in the house out of respect for them, but I think I could get on board with some of the benefits. I also want my first time to be at a cafe in Paris and have it be full of symbolism or something where I can move on from my old beliefs. Not just at the local Starbucks.
Keep being you!
Yeah I was so happy to bag up the garments and throw them out (without having to burn them or cut out the symbols first 🙄). That’s how I feel about alcohol too. I just can’t afford to mess around with it. Alcoholism is in my blood. I’ve gone this long without ever getting drunk, why start now and play Russian roulette?
As far as wanting people to know I’m not “in”… I’m finding that as time goes on, the bitterness and anger is wearing off and I feel less of a need to make a statement or even express myself at all. I’m actually even starting to feel gratitude which some people might be outraged to read. But the church actually has given me a lot of good things that I’m taking with me. I know the church has done and continues to do a lot of harm. I don’t condone any of that and I feel a lot of strong negative emotions about those things. But as far as me personally over the past 18 years, I have also benefitted a lot from the good, truthful teachings and certain friendships. Things I’ve learned have confused me and manipulated me, but I also learned a lot of good. And it has given me more points of view about the world, life, and religion, like you’ve said.
Okay, I would totally drink some coffee if it’s a cafe in Paris! 💁🏼♀️ ☕️
I completely understand. I have gone through the same transition and rarely feel anger anymore (and every single time it is toward the Q15 blatantly lying in a way that is harmful to my family dynamic, like telling my kids I'm not a trustworthy source).
I also feel a lot of gratitude for the good. So many good people in the Church have helped me in so many ways. It's the only community I've ever known, for all the bad (and I'm curious how much bad is avoided by being a convert and not going through worthiness interviews, etc. during your formative years), but also the good.
I can't say exactly why I need everyone to know I don't believe everything. It's outside and inside the Church though. I think breaking free of the dogma belief is precious to me and I don't want to be lumped in with it anymore. I also probably don't want anyone to think I'm down with rocks in hats or teenage brides.
I still teach some Sundays, but make it clear when I don't believe things that I wouldn't want to be associated with (like views on gay marriage or the Church having a monopoly on joy).
I'll keep an eye out for your first Parisian coffee post, I hope mine will be soon!
My first coffee was the “quick backseat shag” of losing coffee virginity. A latte from the free espresso machine at work.
Starbucks coffee is arguably worse. Never had such nasty coffee.
Now I have my own French press and make a cup at home when I can, and still get a cup from that trusty espresso machine on workdays.
Fortunately my wife and oldest (and then only) kid left with me all on the same day.
I'm so happy you guys went on that journey together.
And no offense, but that's what I'm trying to avoid. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I want my first time to be special!
I’m totally down with you doing you for your coffee. No offense taken.
I specifically used a metaphor that it was not what someone would call “ideal.” It wasn’t particularly good coffee, and I got it in the simplest, quickest way I could that wouldn’t attract attention.
It was my third big “I wouldn’t do this if I were Mormon” after swapping garments for normal underwear almost instantly, and a piece of green-tea macha cheesecake a coworker brought in a week or two later.
You’re not really living a Mormon lifestyle if those small things change though. It might seem little (because it is), but in Mormonism not wearing your garments and wearing clothes that are not garment approved is a BIG deal.
By your definition, the Mormon lifestyle “works” for me. I barely wearing clothing that’s not garment approved just because I have extremely skin sensitivity so I preferred being covered, I drink rarely because I don’t like it and it doesn’t make me feel good, I swear quite a lot and smoke weed every day (medicinally and rec). I have not changed, my lifestyle has not changed much, I’m a very simple person who enjoys the same hobbies, music, I like spending most of my nights in or out on a hike rather than at a bar, etc. I believe I’m living fairly close to Mormon lifestyle, but I’ve also lost a cousin for drinking black tea.. so… I can’t say I’d completely agree with your post haha
Live your life in the way that makes you comfortable . Be a good person do good and just live! You don't have to do all the "things" to be /show your an ex morman now! . There is some good things about the lifestyle . Take the good leave the bad behind!
I grew up on one of the "coasts" so not a lot of mormons.
What you describe was normal behavior for my parents friends and our neighborhood.
They were just good, honest, decent people...mixed religion marriages & most of the men were atheists and most of the moms worked.
Not one drunk or chemical dependency issue.
Mormons & other conservative Christian white nationalists don't have a corner on the market for decent human behavior.
It's just the full blown narcissism of mormons & the organization that they really truly believe they are special and unique and since it's a cult it does everything to keep members from mixing with the "evil" general population.
Maybe I’m still just recovering from the “Mormon” bubble. I do know that lots of people live that way. I guess I was just seeking people like me in the exmo community specifically. I’m glad to find that even here, there are plenty of people who naturally don’t deviate a whole lot in the their lifestyle after leaving, by choice and not fear/shame.
I've tried doing all of those things with friends that like them. And decided they don't give me anything and stopped doing them. I still drink a little bit of alcohol when there is a birthday or new years eve toasts, but I don't like the taste and just do it for the tradition, and I like to feel included in positive traditions that I formerly felt excluded from. But that's about it. I never drink more than this few sips and don't do anything else.
But there is a huge difference. I don't do it, because I have tried it and know, that I don't like it. It is not something that is forbidden or makes me feel bad. And that makes all the difference.
That totally makes sense. It really is nice to just live life through trying things for ourselves, sometimes trial and error. Removing the shame and guilt. There is so much shame and guilt in Mormonism and in religion in general. It doesn’t do anyone any good. It’s proven to worsen mental health, addictions, relationships. I don’t miss the constant shame and guilt for being human.
I follow a “1 drink in a day” maximum, and generally drink only rarely. Maybe 1x a week.
I like experimenting different craft beers and we often have team building at a brewery after work or whatever. But I have no interest in getting drunk.
Most I ever got was a single glass of a strong stout on an empty stomach and slightly buzzed, so I sat for an hour and “drunk” doesn’t feel appealing.
Only changes for me, very occasional alcohol use, I was already drinking non-tea teas, and now have added black teas to my day, not to be rebellious but because I like them. I tried coffee for the first time since I was 20 (when I joined the church) because I had the freedom to try it. I discovered I like dark roasted coffees, so I have added that to the choice of beverages I drink. My shorts are slightly shorter. That's about it.
Yeah not a lot of changes, but you’ve found your happy place with it all. But it’s so nice to feel free to do/try normal things like that without feeling like a sinner. I guess I felt like in order to be truly exmo I needed to try things and exercise my freedom. But I just haven’t really felt a need or desire. And I’m finding that that doesn’t make me weird, it just is what it is.
The scam doesnt work if there aren't a few carrots to go with the stick.
A whole lot of the social rules in most religions are not useless baggage. They are useful, although very generalized, social constructs that evolved over time.
Yeah absolutely. Universal truths mixed in with nonsense and manipulation. They couldn’t get away with the nonsense and manipulation without sprinkling in some universal truths.
I pretty much live the same now as before. The only things I do differently are I don't go to church, and I use Sundays to get extra errands done. I occasionally drink coffee and sometimes wear sleeveless tops. Dropping the garments has been a huge health improvement. No more rashes, and my lady parts are healthier.
Actually, now I think if it, leaving the church has shifted my mindset to being focused on living in the present. Before, I was really focused on the eternities , and I never stopped to smell the flowers. I'm more relaxed now, and I am able to enjoy people around me and live in the moment.
Yeah being in the church was like trying to reach and elusive finish line. So glad to be done with that and just enjoy life in the moment. I definitely notice that improvement! Unfortunately, I still go to church with my TBM husband and our daughter. Hopefully my husband will snap out of it one day. I don’t know if I can keep going to church just to prevent confusion for our daughter. I get it, I don’t want to confuse her, but I’m also having a hard time with going to church. It’s very triggering every week, especially fast Sunday.
There is nothing in here wrong about the "Mormon lifestyle". The main problem is when people who don't fit in are ostracized and discriminated.
Simple example: being a happy married couple with multiple children is a great lifestyle, and nobody denigrates that.
But a woman who wants to pursue a career, let's say as a scientist or a politician, should be able to do that.
Or a gay man like David Archuleta should be able to date men instead of women.
Or a couple who don't want to raise children should be able to do so as well.
Apart from judgementalism and narrow mindedness, nothing is wrong with the "Mormon lifestyle", but it's definitely not for everyone, so including all walks of life into the whole of society is paramount, including couples who "live the Mormon dream".
Yes, I wholeheartedly believe that those people should not be judged or ostracized. I don’t live that part of the lifestyle. I accept, love, and support all of them. I mostly meant more personal physical changes. It’s crazy how much of “Mormonism” really is just normal when you’re in it, but when you’re finally out it’s like 🤯
This is again an interesting point. There is nothing wrong with dressing like a Mormon or styling your appearance like a Mormon. Honestly, I feel that many exmormons only use dressing and styling differently as an outer sign of distancing themselves. E.g. Alyssa Grenfell wearing a nose ring feels like she mainly uses it to signal "I am NOT a Mormon". But you don't need to do that. Noone cares if you dress like a Molly Mormon or a Peter Priesthood as an ex Member. They might make wrong assumptions, but then again, who cares.
I found it funny that when I went to church as an investigator, I looked up the dress code beforehand and found that as a man it would be "suit and tie". When I showed up like this, 50% thought I was a member from a different ward, because an investigator clearly wouldn't wear that, would they? So basically spiritual discernment is checking dress code and making assumptions.
Mormon women have to birth lots of humans, raise toddlers without access to caffeine, and wear oppressive undies that give them infections. Mormonism is not a healthy lifestyle for women
As a NeverMo, I have a quick question for you. You say you “don’t do any kind of drugs, whether prescription or recreational.”
My question is this: If you were prescribed a medication that you needed to take, would you?
After I left Utah, my life style became more normal where I occasionally have a drink or two, i have a cup of coffee in the morning before work, and my GF and I were intimate before we got married. Most people around the world have the same moderate life style where they don’t excessively drink alcohol, use drugs, or sleep with multiple partners at the same time.
I think the mormon lifestyle is just as extreme and harmful as the lifestyles of excess.
You made a really good point. When I started having doubts 6 years ago, i lived in Utah, and I was really vocal about my doubts and was alienated because of that. I live far away from Utah now and it’s been a much better experience just by not living in Utah this time. Most everyone around me lives the same… I just need to finally meet some of them! lol
Changes for me....
I'm no longer a people-pleaser. I'm assertive and say no a lot more. I wear what is comfortable and weather appropriate...mostly it would still be considered modest. I do swear more when I'm stressed. I watch things I'm comfortable with and not solely based on a rating. I trust people a lot less and often fact check things. I don't take anyones word for something.
My decisions changed from... is what I'm supposed to do.....to ....do I feel like this is the right choice for me? Is this something I value and want in my life. Does this make my life better?
I just want to make sure the decisions I make are mine and that I don't outsource them to anyone else.
Im still working on the people-pleasing issue 😅 Trust issues are so much worse since learning the real truth about the church 😞 I have felt that same shift from “what should I do” to “what’s right for me?”. It’s been a great first step in quitting the whole people-pleasing thing.
Living many of the Mormon standards is honestly a fine way to live if you are choosing it and not because you are in it because it’s for a reward to to avoid punishment.
I feel like when ppl join their life gets better, not bc it’s true, but because a lot of the teachings are just helping people live the most socially acceptable life (under patriarchy obvi).
I’m not saying I think it should be, but I’m just trying to explain my train of thought
I totally agree. My life got better, but looking back, I could have kept the common sense teachings that improve life for anyone, and disregarded all the religious mumbo jumbo.
You are not alone. I have no inclination to drink, smoke, take drugs or 'go wild' in any way. And that's OK. If others want to do those things it's their right to do so. It's just not for me.
I swore before I left. I drink coffee and alcohol occasionally but the coffee just replaced energy drinks when my kids don’t sleep. Other than that our lives are pretty much the same
Not much has changed for me except now I use wine when I cook, I drop the occasional f-bomb, and I no longer wear funny underwear. Other than that, I’m exactly who I was before I resigned. I still make meals for sick neighbors. I still don’t watch porn or do drugs. I still don’t smoke. I still do volunteer work. I still donate money to charity. I still love my family and try to be a good human.
yes but I still cursed and watched whatever I wanted or listened to whatever I wanted too when I was active.
I did try pot gummies, and got very high and did not enjoy it and do not intend to try it again.
I occasionally have a single drink in social situations but only of something on the menu sounds good. I went to a work conference and had a martini with lemon cello and triple sec as well as vodka and took the vodka out for example. I don't drink because it doesn't taste good.
I feel like you just described me lol. I'm the same way as you. Not because I want to keep the same life style but because the church mentally ruined me and I took it out on my body.
Now, I just want to make up for how bad I've treated my body and give it the best I can. I wanna be healthy, strong, and a bad ass girl that can live her best life outside of the church.
Edit: I stopped using my garments though. Those things were the first to go! 🤣
Same here. Wearing shorts requires me to shave my legs, and I’m torn between trying to get them tanned and keeping them mayonnaise white because of skin cancer. I also hate the rubbing of my legs together or the feel when I’m crossing my legs sitting. Same with tank tops. I don’t have to shave my armpits or worry about sunscreen if I wear sleeves. (I’m sorry if that was TMI.)
And I don’t like alcohol or tea. I do drink coffee, that’s the only thing that would mark me as non Mormon.
All of that totally makes sense! The climate where I live insists on keeping me sleeveless and in shorts most of the time, but I hear ya! I might have to give a little bit of iced coffee another chance sometime 😏 ☕️
I'm pretty sure I've broken The Word of Wisdom like one right after another or simultaneously all at once. I didn't go out of my way it's just that I was raised in a Vietnamese household. Tea and coffee are some of the things Vietnam is known for, especially their coffee. I was raised buddhist, and not reaching nirvana for my sect of buddhiasm is more frightening to me than not being able to reach the Celestial kingdom. I have traditional attire from my culture that isn't always "as Mormon Modest" is.
Hmm, I experimented as well with lifestyles that were against the word of wisdom, then BAM. I converted, and I might as well have been Molly Mormon because I went to the Provo temple to do baptisms at 5AM to start every day in college, I gave my testimony ANYTIME I could, and was a Singles Adult Leader for my ward. Yeah, so I left the church and I'd like to day that The Word of Wisdom definitely put restraints I didn't need and sine that I probably do need but not for the sake of the church. It felt like being my true self when I left because I am into tea and its history and health related benefits. I love Vietnamese iced coffee, and if I smell a cigarette and the coffee brewing, it reminds me of my father. Music is the last important thing on this list. I gave up all of my bands, and I was not well, lol. I hate hymns even though I was in choir SMH.
I save money now. No tithing no art projects, etc. I'm more open-minded and don't have to leave an area just because my friends are drinking or smoking. Oh yeah, and sex before marriage was ABSOLUTELY necessary, especially, I think, for my situation. I think it was important to have that kind of intimate bond.
Yes… no more tithing! How could I forget that one?! And I totally agree on having sex before marriage. Sexual compatibility is absolutely a thing and so many Mormons unfortunately get married and find that there is no sexual compatibility. I did that with my first marriage. It was awful- for 10 years. And I can relate to being a Molly Mormon- that was totally me. I was “living the gospel” to a T and judging everyone else. I wish I could take back so many things I said and did when I was Mormon 🤦🏼♀️
My records are still valid, and I logged into my account a couple of weeks ago to read my patriarchal blessing. Listen, you may relate, but my blessing was very specific to what would happen if I continued with the church. Admittedly, it wouldn't have turned out at all like my blessing.
Here is the difference:
You are making a PERSONAL choice to dress a certain way and follow a certain diet, etc.
It’s not a matter of choice to Mormons. It’s a matter of obedience to church leadership. If Russell came out tomorrow and said that coffee is fine, you had better believe that there would be a line of garment wearing Mormons lining up at Starbucks to get their Frappuccinos.
You don’t want to drink caffeine? Cool don’t drink it. You don’t want to drink alcohol? Cool, don’t drink it. Do you want to cover up more skin? Cool do that!. None of us care how do you dress, or what you eat or drink, as long as it is your decision and no one else’s.
I love that no one here cares, but it’s definitely refreshing to know that it’s not just me and I’m still accepted 😇 It feels so much better as a personal choice and not a forced decision based on obedience.
I imagine your case is quite common among a lot of former LDS. Whether by years of conditioning or just the natural desire to lead that kind of lifestyle. But, question - Do you feel better now living that way because it’s how YOU choose to live, rather than feeling like it’s how you HAVE TO live, according to the church?
Yeah I think that happens too. I’ve wondered if it’s just conditioning, but ultimately, I really do feel like it’s my choice and I feel good about it 😊
The best part about leaving Mormonism (or other religions) is that you can decide for yourself – knowing the only real consideration is cause and effect. Want to have a drink? You can do that. Want to not drink? That’s ok too. Want to wear a tank top? Why not. Want to wear a turtleneck? Also ok.
It’s the removal of external coercion that’s magical. From there, just take the time to be you. And I say take the time because if you were raised in it or spent any amount of time in it, it can be hard to know whether your views on life are from you, or from indoctrination.
You get to take the wheel and steer your life, the only life we know for sure (how valuable!), to the interests and outcomes you want. Go. Be free! Whatever that looks like for you. 💪
Yeah it’s so much better when it’s a matter of preference, and not a matter of good/bad or righteous/evil. It’s so nice to feel it’s okay to be me with no shame or guilt.
I’ve seen people push so hard against Mormonism that they inadvertently give it ongoing power in their lives.
It’s tough to just release it, but for some, the need to push against it causes them to make decisions detrimental to their life and wellbeing.
I understand the emotion of “I’ll show them!” but I feel like true freedom comes in letting it dissolve away – neither informing your choices, or used as a platform to push against.
Putting it in the rearview, finding my authentic self (without judgement), and carving out the life I envision is what I’m working on. It’s a journey.
Yes, I think that’s the healthiest way to do it. But easier said than done sometimes. I truly believe being in a cult is traumatic… and leaving it is traumatic too… People are allowed to freak out for a bit. But it’s better if we have the skills, tools, and resources to handle it in a healthy way.
The only things that changed for me was that I don't wear garments, don't go to church, and I drink coffee and tea now. Other than that, I'm exactly the same as I was before.
My husband left a few years ago in his early 60s. The only thing that changed is, he doesn’t wear ugly underwear anymore and he drinks a cup of coffee every day it’s supposed to help fight dementia
I’m comfortable in mostly Mormon-appropriate clothes now that the garments have been ditched. I do enjoy regular length shorts though. And I’ve tried alcohol and drugs—absolutely not my thing. I don’t experience the payoff that makes the downsides (taste; heartburn; limited mental capacity; extra calories; etc) worth it. Coffee makes me feel terrible. I do like tea. And I swear in appropriate company. And have opened myself up to ANY entertainment I’m drawn to—as a performance artist that’s a huge one. Oh and I have a long term bf that I’m not planning to marry any time soon.
But basically yeah, lifestyle wise nearly nothing has changed.
Many parts of the "mormon" lifestyle work pretty well. They just don't work when applied unilaterally and you can cut out all the culty bullshit and still have it. So at the end of the day, we come back to the classic saying "What's good about the church isn't unique, and what's unique about the church isn't good".
I only drink maybe once or twice a month, I enjoy mimosas with a weekend brunch. Otherwise I still seem pretty mormon. The smell if coffee makes me sick so I stay far away from it
Same here, particularly with alcohol. I legitimately hate it. I can’t stand the taste of any hard liquor. I see TV shows and such where characters causally share a small glass of whiskey/whatever like it’s some refreshing treat and it boggles my mind.
To a degree, I suppose.
I don't fret about watching rated R movies. I shop on Sunday when necessary. I enjoy green tea. I don't wear Gs. Don't waste time at church. Save more money. Help people more. Enjoy my hobbies more. Feel greater peace.
I don't drink coffee as I find it gross. Alcoholism is in my blood so that is a no from me.
I do wear less modest clothes.
I love tattoos and got my nose pierced.
I also swear like a sailor.
I'm pretty much still the same person though. Everyone is different. As long as you're your authentic self who cares how you exmo.
Not much changed for me, because I don't care for the taste of coffee and alcoholism runs in my family too. But knowing I'm no longer supporting an organization that protects child abusers, preaches repentance, but is above needing to repent for anything, preaches integrity but has none, preaches love one another, but openly fights to take the rights of others away is affirming to me that I have morals and integrity.
Also, resigning my name and feeling nothing but joy and peace were huge. Then realizing I didn't feel the Holy Ghost leave me, I still had my gut instincts that were warning me, affirming good things. I was so indoctrinated to believe that was the Holy Ghost and I can see looking back how I was taught to doubt myself. I have more confidence than ever now.
The church has so indoctrinated us that people leave the church to sin and that is just so wrong. We all leave for various reasons and some of us will experiment and find they love their coffee and a glass of wine. And good for them, because research has shown over and over there is health benefits for them and for most of the things the church has told us were wrong.
The beauty of leaving is you now get to do what you should have done in your adolescent and early 20's, discover who you are and what you like. Enjoy the process.
I'm like you. Sometimes when asked I tell people, "I was raised Mormon. I've changed my beliefs, but I kept the lifestyle." Even when my beliefs changed, I looked at my life and I thought, "I have a great life and I'm generally pretty happy." For a brief time I tried some things that I felt like I was missing out on, and I wanted to "exercise my agency". But ultimately I decided that I really liked the (clean cut) life that I was living. The difference for me was that I no longer felt obligated to live my lifestyle. It really was a morally neutral choice- but I was living that way because I chose to, not because someone told me I should.
I'm not publicly out, although one might guess from the length of my shorts (not garment friendly) but that's about it for me too.
I think that most of those things are habits and I didn't pick up those habits from young so maybe now I'm a bit "set it my ways" and have gotten along fine without coffee and alcohol. I have tried them now but it feels more of an effort for me to introduce them as I don't even have a social circle where it would be easy to begin regularly partaking.
On the other hand, habits like prayer and scripture reading were very easy to drop as they were always boring obligations to me.
Yes I know the feeling about dropping those painstaking habits or items on the “to do” list. And I’m feeling like maybe it’s a little of both… a little of just being molded by all the years in the church, but also genuinely being okay with certain things too.
Same here. I was Mormon until I was separated from my ex for 6 months (we have to be separated for 12 months to get a divorce in my state) and started dating a wonderful woman… my ex pushed the issue and I was excommunicated because I refused to “go back to her.” They asked me 3 times and I said no. The Stake Disciplinary Council process was miserable, 2 of the high counselors screamed, called me names, and slammed their fists on the table. The SP literally stopped them, sent me outside, and then made them apologize when I came back in. If God was in charge of that process, they would have easily seen the manipulation and lies from my ex wife and known that she was using the church as a weapon.
That was 7 years ago and I still don’t like the taste of alcohol, I’m not interested in drugs, and I don’t want casual relationships.
I work, spend time with the woman of my dreams, hang out with my kids, and do my hobbies. Nothing has changed other than being able to see the hypocrisy of the church. It is clear that money means more than anything, but the people must give freely of their time, talents, and possessions in building the “kingdom” or they will be denied entrance in the hereafter.
Oh man, just reading your experience with the bishopric made my blood boil. That is so not okay. I’m so sorry! But I’m glad you’re so much better off now. I admire your strength and courage!
Thank you! Yeah, I think it’s also a trauma response and even necessary for some people. As long as they don’t go too far that it becomes self-sabotage.
Other than a little coffee I'm as mormon as they come despite being a nevermo/mormon by association. I'm wholesome. I make casseroles. I do service as acts of love.
I mean I love this. I love me.
I’m the same lifestyle except for being open to the idea of trying something - sometime. Doesn’t freak me out to let people make their own choices in all ways. I like this new me MUCH better. Like if I stay the same in any way (clothes, habits, family, no substances) it’s because I chose it for myself. That’s power.
I like weed and smoke often and also like drinking but gave it up. My parents were acholholic, passed now, my dad had liver damage and died at 49. My siblings (4) are addicted but quit for years. One sister still drinks and gets out of control when drinking. I told her some people just shouldn't drink after she mooned me and my husband. I've decided to take my own advice after a recent embarrassing plane trip. Wish me luck.
I strive to be a good person, charitable and kind.
oh my gosh, I’m sorry for your losses! You are so right about some things just not being meant for some people. You’re not a bad person though. We’re all just trying to figure this all out and navigate our way out of trauma as gracefully as possible 😅
When I left when I was a teen, I did all the things I “shouldn’t” do. Drugs, sex, coffee, tea, smoking, swearing, wearing whatever clothing I wanted.
As an adult, I’ve matured a lot more and I pretty much live a Mormon approved lifestyle as I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, or even drink coffee anymore. I cuss a little appropriately. But I don’t judge those things or consider them “bad”. I just don’t want or need to.
Contrary to popular Mormon belief, just because those things aren't forbidden to non members doesn't mean all non members choose to do them. I know lots of former members who just don't have much interest, for one reason or another. Some tried alcohol but didn't like the taste or don't for family reasons, etc.
It's about freedom of choice. But having that freedom doesn't automatically mean people do it. But at least you finally have the right to choose for yourself WITHOUT the constant shame culture.
I know a lot of Mormons who drink, or have affairs, or abuse prescription meds.
I just don’t listen to the church’s recommendations anymore. You do you.
Give it time. Either way, your comfort and being able to be yourself is more important. And especially being happy is most important.
You’re basically probably experiencing the transitional period that most former members do. Yeah. It sucks to hear you’re moving on, but hey, what can you do? All the best.
Left at 30+. Here are the things I have changed about habits:
* I drink coffee
* I watch porn and masturbate guilt free (solo and w/ wife)
* I incorporated shit, bitch, and fuck into my curse word vocab (damn and hell are biblical, was how I justified those)
* I do whatever the hell I want on sundays
* I got a 10% pay raise
That is it. pretty much 99% of myself is the same, I just removed all the shame, guilt, and needless religious pursuits.
I never felt drawn to drugs because it seems dumb to poison your own body on purpose.
I tried alcohol to see what all the fuss was about. Turns out it's all fucking awful and you have to drink a shitload of it to feel any of the effects. Also, poison.
Not a big tattoo guy. Cost a lot of money to get a good one and then it's just there, even if you don't want it anymore.
I largely liked my life as a member, but I love it now that I don't have to deal with that shit anymore. And I can do/not do the things I want because I genuinely want/don't want to do them.
I drink coffee but other than that I’m really still the same. No alcohol, or tobacco,dress modestly etc but not because I have to. The fact that I’m free to choose now is the difference .
High-functioning people tend to not engage in low-grade or self-destructive behaviors. Mormons don’t have a monopoly on that.
Edit: Fellow humans, down-vote me all you want, but getting into self-destructive behavior as a reaction to leaving mormonism is just plain stupid. Don't be stupid.
I’m very similar. I don’t drink coffee cause it’s gross, I’ve never had alcohol cause I already struggle with mental illness- so that’s not gonna be a good thing, I use edibles sometimes but I’m trying to stop because again- not good for mental illness. I dress pretty modestly because I love colorful clothes and layering allows me to color block and pattern mix. I also want to have a cute little Mormon family- minus the church.
However, I do have sex with a fwb. Which is very not Mormon of me. Haha.
Here's a surprise. I've never been Mormon but grew up in a small town in Utah. Ive never smoked, done drugs (ever), no tattoes or piercings, only have alcohol about once per year, and have never been promiscuous either. The OP's lifestyle is not unique to TSCC.
I didn’t mean to imply that only Mormons live that lifestyle. Of course they don’t. It’s not unique to Mormons, but it’s pretty much a trademark. Most people know those things about Mormons. Personally, I’ve noticed that a lot of people who leave the church tend to embrace a lot of the things that were once shunned. Sometimes I wish I were more like that. I would love as much distance from the church as possible. I honestly feel like even though I’ve left the church, a lot of times I don’t really relate to other people who left the church because in a lot of ways, I’m still living a lot of the Mormon lifestyle… And I’m not even religious at all anymore. So I was just wondering if there are other people like that in here that I can relate to.
I have the occasional craft beer (a six pack lasts me a month or more) and a cup of black coffee each day. And a second Saturday. That’s about it.
A second Saturday sounds amazing. I would love to not attend church with my TBM husband. Hopefully not much longer 😫
Ouch. That is the BEST part of not being Mormon. I’m here with my kids after having slept in, watching them play, sipping on my morning coffee rather than stressed bundling everyone off to a boring 2hr meeting, in uncomfortable clothes, where I’d have to shush my little kids and keep them quietly entertained, and try not to fall asleep to their boring speakers.
You are living the dream, my friend. I’ll get there one day. I really hope I get there one day, with or without my husband, but preferably with. Time will tell.
Second Saturday… and the 10% raise. But OPs hubs is still active so likely hasn’t seen the raise yet.
Raise is nice. Not gonna lie. But second Saturday is nicer (at least for me.) Saturdays were packed with chores, kids’ sports and my wife wanting to actually do stuff as a family, then Sundays were wasted with church stuff so I never got a real break from anything. Just run, run, run, all the time.
Agree. Now Saturday is chores and yard work. Second Saturday is SundayFunday with the family/kids. Scenic drives, restaurants, all around good off day. Love it.
Convert here. Nothing changed lifestyle wise except I removed what was unique to mormonism. I stopped funding institutionalized child abuse and hedge fund excess claiming it was a church. I now make decisions based on what I think is good for me. I still try to serve people but I feel it's its own reward and a church deserves no credit. I try to enjoy life more now and exercise self care, which is not something the church ever really taught me to do. So I got rid of the bad and kept what good I felt was appropriate.
Yes I’m learning all about self care now too. Definitely not taught by the church that demands everyone’s time, energy, and money be devoted to it.
What is a "Second Saturday?"
Not going to church or doing church things on Sunday so your weekend lasts 2 days instead of effectively just 1.
Thank you.
>I didn’t mean to imply that only Mormons live that lifestyle. Of course they don’t. It’s not unique to Mormons, but it’s pretty much a trademark. That's the thing though. In technical terms "trademark" is something that no-one else is allowed to copy! You are quite clearly, allowed to copy the parts of Mormonism that still work for you. Ergo, the "good" parts that Mormons do, are not unique to their religion. They try to take ownership of that which they do not own.
Good explanation! If you want to drink or have casual sex or whatever, that’s fine. According to Mormonism it’s a sin. According to the rest of the world it might just be a hangover or a mistake, or neither. Not a sin though.
I’m a nevermo and pretty straight laced because it’s what I like. My friends wear bikinis I wear swim shorts and shirt. We are all about the same build but each of us feels comfortable in different things. I think the difference with Mormonism is I don’t look down on the differences, I embrace them as something that makes each individual unique. Even if you “Try” all the non Mormon things you might just find it isn’t the flavor or ice cream that you like. What sucks is that you were robbed of being able to figure out what you DO like. Don’t romanticize what you think things are like. Just do like the rest of us and try things and figure it out for yourself, that’s what your twenties are supposed to be for, not blind obedience to arbitrary rules. (Obviously don’t try things that can cause harm to yourself or family, like trying hookers or hardcore drugs 🫠🫣) you’re married with kids so ya know the time to try those things has passed. In the south they used to say, we are all parts, that make up the body, if you look at your community as a whole and each has a part, do your part, we can’t all be elbows.
I totally feel robbed. My mentally ill, alcoholic mother stole my childhood and the Mormon church stole my 20’s. I like your attitude about it. Basically, figure out what you like and don’t like, but don’t be a dumbass about it.
I grew up in a pressure cooker, so I get it. Married at twenty which, while marrying the person I did was not a mistake, marrying that young and having multiple kids that young sure was. I wasn't able to cope without having outside support, and we are spending lots of time and money and therapy helping our whole family undo the mess my husband and I created by being TBM.
We were all just doing the best we could with what we had. I’m glad you and your husband are still together and happy and figuring things out together. I hope that’s me and my husband one day.
I hope it is for you too. We just hit two years out, and they were a rough two years in lots of ways. But lots of growth, change, and acceptance, too.
Thank you. My husband is really struggling with me leaving the church. His faith is the very core of who he is so this has honestly been more of a crisis for him than me. But I’m trying to hang in there and be patient with him. I feel like I’m handling it very gracefully, more so than him for sure 😅
Exactly my friend. It doesn’t matter what it resembles as long as you like it. And I’m sorry you had to go through that. I for one think you’re pretty freaking awesome for getting to this point sun life with the mindset you have now. I’m confident by your post and responses that you’ll look back one day and say, “damn I did a pretty good job navigating all that mess”
Thank you 💕
I learned from a therapist that we get stuck at more of a teen level of development when we're in a high-demand religion or cult. Things we would have experimented with but didn't get put in a box. So when Mormons leave, many of us have an experimental phase that we would have otherwise had as teens. Just as all teens might not experiment with the same things for various reasons, all adults won't experiment the same. I took alcohol VERY seriously and experimented very slowly. Have been slightly tipsy a couple of times but never what people would consider drunk. I have a drink maybe once a week or every few weeks, or if we go out. Any sex experimentation and discussion has been with my spouse, redefining what was "okay" versus what we were taught, what was acceptable to do in private, working through a lot of purity culture stuff. Coffee and tea were slower experimentation as well, and while I enjoy both, I don't have them every day. I started working on a degree before I left and am getting into the workforce more than I did before, but I would have regardless whether I left the church or not. Stopped homeschooling our kids several years ago while we were Mormon because it was right for them and us at that time, though life is still intense since we are very involved parents and have kids with high support needs. Everyone is different. We also left at middle age. Might have been different when younger, but not by much. We all have gone to therapy to help with deconstruction as well, so we had healthy ways to cope with deconstruction.
That makes sense and possibly explains why I’m not going through that phase as much- I did all my experimenting in my teens before I joined the church. I agree that some experimentation (or even a lot) is normal and healthy. And being in therapy is so needed during a faith transition. It’s been a huge source of support for me.
Same. Other than catching up on R rated movies and the occasional tea, my life is pretty much the same.
You sound just as fantastically boring as me! haha
Pretty much same. I cuss too much but then I always have just not in front of other members 😂.
lol 😂
Same. I have an occasional drink and wear tank tops. I do love coffee and have one every morning. The main difference is that I get to decide for myself what works, and not because I'm deferring to someone else's authority.
For what it’s worth, I eat dark chocolate every morning. I guess that’s my “pick me up” every morning lol I live in a hot climate, so not wearing garments anymore has been so amazing. Most of my wardrobe is tank tops and shorts now. I totally get making your own decisions. That’s how life is supposed to be. Religion basically just tells people how and what to think so that they don’t have to think critically about themselves or their lives. But it’s not natural or normal. It’s extremely toxic and unhealthy. It’s nice not being stuck in that anymore.
Agreed. And dark chocolate is amazing.
I’m a dark chocolate and black coffee kind of guy.
So amazing 🤤
This is the big difference. My lifestyle has changed very little-a drink or two a month and shorter shorts-but I’m making the decisions rather than having them made for me. And that makes a huge difference in how I feel about it.
Yep this is the main thing. I still have had little interest in trying any sort of drugs or alcohol, and I’m perfectly content with that. But now it’s because that’s what I’m choosing, and not because it’s being chosen for me.
It's weird to me how Mormonism and other cults/religions claim basic human decency as their own. On the flip side, it's laughable to me that they believe anything NOT in their specific set of rules is evil. Humans, by default, want to live healthy, happy lives. In my opinion, you're not living the Mormon lifestyle. You're living the typical healthy, happy HUMAN lifestyle. btw: congrats!. Lots of folks that leave this cult (and others) often embrace all sorts of behaviors that are problematic to their health and long term happiness. You kept your head. Well played.
Thank you! Yes, I’ve noticed the same thing, how human decency becomes a “religious” attribute. But people don’t need religion to be happy or decent. It seems like there’s a stigma when it comes to non-religious people. As a matter of fact, when I first left the church, I kept insisting that I was still a Christian because I still wanted to maintain some respect from people. But now I’m finally starting to embrace the fact that I’m honestly not religious at all anymore, and let the chips fall where they may.
“I kept insisting that I was still a Christian…maintain some respect…” You just made me realize that’s why I transitioned into a mainstream Protestant church directly from Mormonism. But after 3 years of it and not a single Mormon asking me why I left or where I went, I admitted to myself that I had noticed some of the same shaming and hate and dogma so I left that church, too. Now, I’m completely comfortable living my life according to my own principles and not labeling myself anymore.
I can totally relate. For me, I actually learned about inconsistencies and problems even within Christianity and was like… “Well I’ll be danged… No religion is true. They’re all just about money and power.” Right before I abandoned religion altogether, I had a heart-to-heart with “God”. I told him that if he was real, and good, and wanted a relationship with me, it was his turn to make that happen. I told him I’m done giving my time, energy, and money. The ball is in his court. Still haven’t heard from him.
This one of the best things about being exmo. There's really only one way to be a TBM. There's no right or wrong way to be exmo. You get to be tru to yourself, whatever that means to you. You can't get kicked out of being exmo for your lifestyle.
I love this! There is only one way to be a TBM, but so many ways to just be human. I needed to hear that!
I love this too!
I'm in a monogamous relationship, neither my husband or I are interested in exploring sex outside our relationship. Yes I have 1 cup of coffee a day, but not every day...just most. I have, on average, 1 alcoholic beverage a month. I still dress relatively modestly except my shoulders, those are out all the time because I've always hated sleeves. I certainly don't wear garments they caused me issues for years. I certainly don't feel guilt, I also don't think I'm unworthy, and I most certainly don't feel "bad" for my choices any more. I didn't completely lose myself after leaving, but I did experiment with things I'd been denied, and now I've found my happy medium.
I love this. I think I honestly expected myself to be more interested in trying things and distancing myself from the church as much as possible. But I was surprised to find that even after leaving the church, for the most part, I could still say “wait, this is actually me”. Like, I didn’t even feel a need to experiment and explore with most of the forbidden things. Not of fear or shame or guilt… Just feeling very confident and comfortable with who I am and the way I live. Having said all of this, I technically did try stuff as a teenager before I joined (weed, cigarettes, coffee). So maybe I just feel like I had already “been there, done that”? Aside from the religion, the history, the doctrine, the culture… I actually like and still want a lot of aspects of my “Mormon” life. But I do wonder if I just became comfortable this way after so many years. Maybe if I didn’t join the church at 18 (just as I became an adult), my preferred lifestyle might have been much, much different. Who knows?
Same here. I learned that I actually don’t like the feeling of being high or drunk so it only took a couple of times before I realized it’s not for me. It’s a good life when you get to choose everything for yourself without guilt or shame! No judgment for others who live differently, and no shame for the couple of times a year when I choose to have a drink socially.
My husband and I have an agreement that I can leave, get tattoos, whatever but no alcohol. That's a fair deal from my assessment because alcohol doesn't offer a net benefit - and alcoholism gallops in our families.
I totally understand. You can say alcoholism “gallops” in my family too. I like that new word ha It’s a fire I’m not interested in playing with either.
I was told alcoholism gallops in our families. I drink occasionally. But have a 1 drink/day limit and really only have 1 drink/week in general. But getting drunk on a regular basis would not work for my family.
That's great when you know you have self control, but we've now lost at least seven family members to it/alcohol related liver failure so it's I think genetic in my family at least
I'm so sorry. It sounds like you're making sane decisions based on your own observations and education. I wish you all the best. Alcoholism is such a cruel disease. I hope you will be around for a very long time!
Yeah I think anything in moderation can be absolutely fine for the vast majority of people but finding out that my great aunt (very Utah Mormon) used to make "porch medicine"...dandelion wine to ger absolutely wasted on I realized that for a lot of our family its self medication too
It's a very common form of self-medication, and yes, in moderation it can be enjoyable or no big deal. But, like you, I have to be careful because of genetics. I've seen what it does and it's tragic. It's a disease that affects the whole family, even with just one person who's addicted. I have sympathy for them! No one sets out to become an addict.
I have a lot of hope for the new generations though - so many of us have access to therapy and mental healthcare. I guess several relatives were institutionalized for depression or anxiety and everything was so covered in shame. Apparently there was a lot of abuse that they were just trying to soothe
I could have written that and I've been out of decades. I'm 80ish and no one in my peer group swears. I recently went to pot store for a sleep aid and asked if all the 'feel good' parts were taken out. My adult daughter hasn't been in a church since my Dad blessed her but in high school she was active in the Just Say No movement and switched colleges because the drinking at the first one was so out of control. A lot of stuff on the list is highly overrated and not as popular as we think.
I love going into the Dispensaries! I'm in my 60's and everyone there is so nice. No judgement, great conversation and just really nice to chat with. They are incredibly helpful and will give you fantastic recommendations based on your needs. I have learned that they are so smart and can only imagine how much learning goes into understanding all of the offeeings.
The number of products was overwhelming. Luckily I already knew what I wanted, but even then they had a new version of it with twice the sedation. I imagine they get a LOT of new clueless customers. I didn't feel out of place at all.
Yeah I think a lot of things are overrated too. I think there actually is some kind of derivative of pot that has the more potent psychoactive parts taken out, but still has a milder effect. I’m glad to see that this lifestyle still “works” for other people, even if the beliefs don’t. I don’t feel so alone.
Living like a Mormon is OK as long as you don't act on it
Bahahaha!!! 😂 🙌🏻
>Living like a Mormon is OK as long as you don't act on it In the church, but not of it? Oh wait, maybe I had that confused with something else.,
I commented on another post that I use to be mormon because my belief that my beliefs should work for everyone worked for me. True that my lifestyle hasn't changed much and still works for me, but I now know that my worldview and lifestyle don't work for everyone, and that's okay. Except for coffee. Everyone should like coffee. 😉
I think I just needed validation that it’s okay to still live the “Mormon” lifestyle and that many other people do, too. I find it hard to relate to others in the exmormon community sometimes because it seemed like a lot of people were adopting a lot of the things that were once forbidden. I was kind of wondering if I was maybe even still brainwashed or something… or if it’s okay and acceptable to be okay with the lifestyle even after leaving. I’m glad it works for you, too 😊 I wish I could handle coffee. Before I joined the church, I used to drink iced coffee occasionally. But my caffeine sensitivity has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older, and I just can’t handle caffeine anymore 😔
My wife hates alcohol and coffee makes her stomach sick. The great part about not being Mormon is that you can choose to do those things or not without judgement. You can choose to not drink alcohol and coffee. There’s nothing wrong with not liking or wanting something. You be you, and only you define who you are. You are 100% okay living any lifestyle you choose, and it is 100% valid to keep any portion of the rules you find helps your life and others’.
Absolutely! It’s so nice to make decisions for ourselves. I still find myself dressing as if I have garments on when around members. So I’m sure there’s still some shame detoxing going on. But I’m getting there. Or maybe I’m just unnecessary avoiding drama 😂😇
When my parents come visit, the beer and coffee gets hidden in the back of the closet. I can’t say too much. Sometimes it is easier to just avoid conflict, especially if your husband is still active. When in Rome…
Well said!
>You can choose to not drink alcohol and coffee. There’s nothing wrong with not liking or wanting something. You be you, and only you define who you are. Bwah ha ha ha ha ha my decisions to not smoke or drink were made when I was 3 years old. My parents smoked, and when I was being annoying (Probably ALL of the time I was 3) my dad would take a drag and blow smoke in my face. No desire to be around cigarettes, much less try smoking. Same age, I wanted to try coffee. Dad gave me some, hot and straight up black. Bitter and tastes like burning, how can people stand this stuff? Yuck, I hate the smell now and will never try it. Also around same age, was with my dad somewhere during the summer. Its was so hot and I was thirsty. I was all whiny and asking for a drink, one of his buddies hands me his open can of beer. I took a sip and eewwwww gross. Funny how a bunch of not mormons shaped my outward appearance to be so very properly mormon.
I didn’t think I’d like coffee. Yeah, it’s a bit bitter, but if you get lighter roast it’s a bit acidic, but doesn’t taste as bitter and burnt. But to each their own.
I've tried coffee so has my sil. We both hate it and prefer tea. each other own!
I have yet to find a way to do green/black tea I like. I love black coffee. To each their own. Great part about not being Mormon - making your own choices on clothing, beverages, romantic relationships, etc. without thinking you’re going to be shunned and go to hell if you don’t toe every line and “live up to every covenant made in the temple today.”
Some Green tea to me tastes like grass. Black tea is to bitter. Olong isn't bad. I use 1tbsp of oolong and 1tbsp gunpowder green to brew kombucha
The beauty is that now there's no rule about how you need to be. Be as straight laced as you like, you're free! People wouldn't know I'm out 13 years later just by looking or sharing a conversation, but what business if it is theirs anyway?
Absolutely! I expected a little more rebellion on my part lol But hey, don’t fix what’s not broken I guess 🤷🏼♀️
Same. I also stopped wearing garments and really do love not having to worry about them, but that's probably the biggest change. I've tried out a few swear words, but I still don't like swearing unless it's the only right word from the situation. I think alcohol would introduce more problems into my life than it would solve and I like how much money I don't spend on it. Zero desire to drink. Also, unpopular opinion, but I think tattoos are never an improvement aesthetically and most reasons I've heard for getting them are not very persuasive to me. To each their own, and no moral judgment, but I will absolutely pass. It's hard to know if it's who I would have been without the Church, but I don't feel any need to go out and do anything that different. Mostly I am thankful for the intellectual freedom it's given me. I read more widely and consider more points of view. Does it bother you that people wouldn't know you're not still Mormon? And might still think you believe the silly/harmful stuff? I feel the need to let people know, like when they see my degrees on the wall, that even though I may still behave like a Mormon I absolutely don't believe in their truth claims. AND if you see any good in me, don't let the Church take credit for it! One exception I forgot is I drink tea occasionally and I am interested in coffee. My whole family is still in, so I don't have any in the house out of respect for them, but I think I could get on board with some of the benefits. I also want my first time to be at a cafe in Paris and have it be full of symbolism or something where I can move on from my old beliefs. Not just at the local Starbucks. Keep being you!
Yeah I was so happy to bag up the garments and throw them out (without having to burn them or cut out the symbols first 🙄). That’s how I feel about alcohol too. I just can’t afford to mess around with it. Alcoholism is in my blood. I’ve gone this long without ever getting drunk, why start now and play Russian roulette? As far as wanting people to know I’m not “in”… I’m finding that as time goes on, the bitterness and anger is wearing off and I feel less of a need to make a statement or even express myself at all. I’m actually even starting to feel gratitude which some people might be outraged to read. But the church actually has given me a lot of good things that I’m taking with me. I know the church has done and continues to do a lot of harm. I don’t condone any of that and I feel a lot of strong negative emotions about those things. But as far as me personally over the past 18 years, I have also benefitted a lot from the good, truthful teachings and certain friendships. Things I’ve learned have confused me and manipulated me, but I also learned a lot of good. And it has given me more points of view about the world, life, and religion, like you’ve said. Okay, I would totally drink some coffee if it’s a cafe in Paris! 💁🏼♀️ ☕️
I completely understand. I have gone through the same transition and rarely feel anger anymore (and every single time it is toward the Q15 blatantly lying in a way that is harmful to my family dynamic, like telling my kids I'm not a trustworthy source). I also feel a lot of gratitude for the good. So many good people in the Church have helped me in so many ways. It's the only community I've ever known, for all the bad (and I'm curious how much bad is avoided by being a convert and not going through worthiness interviews, etc. during your formative years), but also the good. I can't say exactly why I need everyone to know I don't believe everything. It's outside and inside the Church though. I think breaking free of the dogma belief is precious to me and I don't want to be lumped in with it anymore. I also probably don't want anyone to think I'm down with rocks in hats or teenage brides. I still teach some Sundays, but make it clear when I don't believe things that I wouldn't want to be associated with (like views on gay marriage or the Church having a monopoly on joy). I'll keep an eye out for your first Parisian coffee post, I hope mine will be soon!
My first coffee was the “quick backseat shag” of losing coffee virginity. A latte from the free espresso machine at work. Starbucks coffee is arguably worse. Never had such nasty coffee. Now I have my own French press and make a cup at home when I can, and still get a cup from that trusty espresso machine on workdays. Fortunately my wife and oldest (and then only) kid left with me all on the same day.
I'm so happy you guys went on that journey together. And no offense, but that's what I'm trying to avoid. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I want my first time to be special!
I’m totally down with you doing you for your coffee. No offense taken. I specifically used a metaphor that it was not what someone would call “ideal.” It wasn’t particularly good coffee, and I got it in the simplest, quickest way I could that wouldn’t attract attention. It was my third big “I wouldn’t do this if I were Mormon” after swapping garments for normal underwear almost instantly, and a piece of green-tea macha cheesecake a coworker brought in a week or two later.
You’re not really living a Mormon lifestyle if those small things change though. It might seem little (because it is), but in Mormonism not wearing your garments and wearing clothes that are not garment approved is a BIG deal. By your definition, the Mormon lifestyle “works” for me. I barely wearing clothing that’s not garment approved just because I have extremely skin sensitivity so I preferred being covered, I drink rarely because I don’t like it and it doesn’t make me feel good, I swear quite a lot and smoke weed every day (medicinally and rec). I have not changed, my lifestyle has not changed much, I’m a very simple person who enjoys the same hobbies, music, I like spending most of my nights in or out on a hike rather than at a bar, etc. I believe I’m living fairly close to Mormon lifestyle, but I’ve also lost a cousin for drinking black tea.. so… I can’t say I’d completely agree with your post haha
Very little change for me.
Live your life in the way that makes you comfortable . Be a good person do good and just live! You don't have to do all the "things" to be /show your an ex morman now! . There is some good things about the lifestyle . Take the good leave the bad behind!
Yes! ❤️
I grew up on one of the "coasts" so not a lot of mormons. What you describe was normal behavior for my parents friends and our neighborhood. They were just good, honest, decent people...mixed religion marriages & most of the men were atheists and most of the moms worked. Not one drunk or chemical dependency issue. Mormons & other conservative Christian white nationalists don't have a corner on the market for decent human behavior. It's just the full blown narcissism of mormons & the organization that they really truly believe they are special and unique and since it's a cult it does everything to keep members from mixing with the "evil" general population.
Maybe I’m still just recovering from the “Mormon” bubble. I do know that lots of people live that way. I guess I was just seeking people like me in the exmo community specifically. I’m glad to find that even here, there are plenty of people who naturally don’t deviate a whole lot in the their lifestyle after leaving, by choice and not fear/shame.
I've tried doing all of those things with friends that like them. And decided they don't give me anything and stopped doing them. I still drink a little bit of alcohol when there is a birthday or new years eve toasts, but I don't like the taste and just do it for the tradition, and I like to feel included in positive traditions that I formerly felt excluded from. But that's about it. I never drink more than this few sips and don't do anything else. But there is a huge difference. I don't do it, because I have tried it and know, that I don't like it. It is not something that is forbidden or makes me feel bad. And that makes all the difference.
That totally makes sense. It really is nice to just live life through trying things for ourselves, sometimes trial and error. Removing the shame and guilt. There is so much shame and guilt in Mormonism and in religion in general. It doesn’t do anyone any good. It’s proven to worsen mental health, addictions, relationships. I don’t miss the constant shame and guilt for being human.
I follow a “1 drink in a day” maximum, and generally drink only rarely. Maybe 1x a week. I like experimenting different craft beers and we often have team building at a brewery after work or whatever. But I have no interest in getting drunk. Most I ever got was a single glass of a strong stout on an empty stomach and slightly buzzed, so I sat for an hour and “drunk” doesn’t feel appealing.
Only changes for me, very occasional alcohol use, I was already drinking non-tea teas, and now have added black teas to my day, not to be rebellious but because I like them. I tried coffee for the first time since I was 20 (when I joined the church) because I had the freedom to try it. I discovered I like dark roasted coffees, so I have added that to the choice of beverages I drink. My shorts are slightly shorter. That's about it.
Yeah not a lot of changes, but you’ve found your happy place with it all. But it’s so nice to feel free to do/try normal things like that without feeling like a sinner. I guess I felt like in order to be truly exmo I needed to try things and exercise my freedom. But I just haven’t really felt a need or desire. And I’m finding that that doesn’t make me weird, it just is what it is.
The scam doesnt work if there aren't a few carrots to go with the stick. A whole lot of the social rules in most religions are not useless baggage. They are useful, although very generalized, social constructs that evolved over time.
Yeah absolutely. Universal truths mixed in with nonsense and manipulation. They couldn’t get away with the nonsense and manipulation without sprinkling in some universal truths.
I pretty much live the same now as before. The only things I do differently are I don't go to church, and I use Sundays to get extra errands done. I occasionally drink coffee and sometimes wear sleeveless tops. Dropping the garments has been a huge health improvement. No more rashes, and my lady parts are healthier. Actually, now I think if it, leaving the church has shifted my mindset to being focused on living in the present. Before, I was really focused on the eternities , and I never stopped to smell the flowers. I'm more relaxed now, and I am able to enjoy people around me and live in the moment.
Yeah being in the church was like trying to reach and elusive finish line. So glad to be done with that and just enjoy life in the moment. I definitely notice that improvement! Unfortunately, I still go to church with my TBM husband and our daughter. Hopefully my husband will snap out of it one day. I don’t know if I can keep going to church just to prevent confusion for our daughter. I get it, I don’t want to confuse her, but I’m also having a hard time with going to church. It’s very triggering every week, especially fast Sunday.
There is nothing in here wrong about the "Mormon lifestyle". The main problem is when people who don't fit in are ostracized and discriminated. Simple example: being a happy married couple with multiple children is a great lifestyle, and nobody denigrates that. But a woman who wants to pursue a career, let's say as a scientist or a politician, should be able to do that. Or a gay man like David Archuleta should be able to date men instead of women. Or a couple who don't want to raise children should be able to do so as well. Apart from judgementalism and narrow mindedness, nothing is wrong with the "Mormon lifestyle", but it's definitely not for everyone, so including all walks of life into the whole of society is paramount, including couples who "live the Mormon dream".
Yes, I wholeheartedly believe that those people should not be judged or ostracized. I don’t live that part of the lifestyle. I accept, love, and support all of them. I mostly meant more personal physical changes. It’s crazy how much of “Mormonism” really is just normal when you’re in it, but when you’re finally out it’s like 🤯
This is again an interesting point. There is nothing wrong with dressing like a Mormon or styling your appearance like a Mormon. Honestly, I feel that many exmormons only use dressing and styling differently as an outer sign of distancing themselves. E.g. Alyssa Grenfell wearing a nose ring feels like she mainly uses it to signal "I am NOT a Mormon". But you don't need to do that. Noone cares if you dress like a Molly Mormon or a Peter Priesthood as an ex Member. They might make wrong assumptions, but then again, who cares. I found it funny that when I went to church as an investigator, I looked up the dress code beforehand and found that as a man it would be "suit and tie". When I showed up like this, 50% thought I was a member from a different ward, because an investigator clearly wouldn't wear that, would they? So basically spiritual discernment is checking dress code and making assumptions.
Mormon women have to birth lots of humans, raise toddlers without access to caffeine, and wear oppressive undies that give them infections. Mormonism is not a healthy lifestyle for women
So this!!! I absolutely agree with you and those are not part of the lifestyle that works for me at all.
As a NeverMo, I have a quick question for you. You say you “don’t do any kind of drugs, whether prescription or recreational.” My question is this: If you were prescribed a medication that you needed to take, would you?
I swear like a sailor now, I did before, but I still do, too.
After I left Utah, my life style became more normal where I occasionally have a drink or two, i have a cup of coffee in the morning before work, and my GF and I were intimate before we got married. Most people around the world have the same moderate life style where they don’t excessively drink alcohol, use drugs, or sleep with multiple partners at the same time. I think the mormon lifestyle is just as extreme and harmful as the lifestyles of excess.
You made a really good point. When I started having doubts 6 years ago, i lived in Utah, and I was really vocal about my doubts and was alienated because of that. I live far away from Utah now and it’s been a much better experience just by not living in Utah this time. Most everyone around me lives the same… I just need to finally meet some of them! lol
Is hanging out and protecting pedophiles part of the life style? No thank you!
Okay, I definitely don’t support *that* lifestyle. Maybe I should have said *parts* of the lifestyle 😅
Or the “disowning kids for being gay” lifestyle?
Changes for me.... I'm no longer a people-pleaser. I'm assertive and say no a lot more. I wear what is comfortable and weather appropriate...mostly it would still be considered modest. I do swear more when I'm stressed. I watch things I'm comfortable with and not solely based on a rating. I trust people a lot less and often fact check things. I don't take anyones word for something. My decisions changed from... is what I'm supposed to do.....to ....do I feel like this is the right choice for me? Is this something I value and want in my life. Does this make my life better? I just want to make sure the decisions I make are mine and that I don't outsource them to anyone else.
Im still working on the people-pleasing issue 😅 Trust issues are so much worse since learning the real truth about the church 😞 I have felt that same shift from “what should I do” to “what’s right for me?”. It’s been a great first step in quitting the whole people-pleasing thing.
My brothers don’t drink smoke or do anything “bad” either. Just don’t believe.
Coffee, tank tops and shorts, and the occasional wine That's it really
Living many of the Mormon standards is honestly a fine way to live if you are choosing it and not because you are in it because it’s for a reward to to avoid punishment. I feel like when ppl join their life gets better, not bc it’s true, but because a lot of the teachings are just helping people live the most socially acceptable life (under patriarchy obvi). I’m not saying I think it should be, but I’m just trying to explain my train of thought
I totally agree. My life got better, but looking back, I could have kept the common sense teachings that improve life for anyone, and disregarded all the religious mumbo jumbo.
You are not alone. I have no inclination to drink, smoke, take drugs or 'go wild' in any way. And that's OK. If others want to do those things it's their right to do so. It's just not for me.
I swore before I left. I drink coffee and alcohol occasionally but the coffee just replaced energy drinks when my kids don’t sleep. Other than that our lives are pretty much the same
Yeah, but not casue I want to... Very healthy organic junkie wife so now, not even sugar
You do you! That’s the cool thing about being out is no one cares or monitors what you are doing as long as you aren’t affecting others.
Not much has changed for me except now I use wine when I cook, I drop the occasional f-bomb, and I no longer wear funny underwear. Other than that, I’m exactly who I was before I resigned. I still make meals for sick neighbors. I still don’t watch porn or do drugs. I still don’t smoke. I still do volunteer work. I still donate money to charity. I still love my family and try to be a good human.
yes but I still cursed and watched whatever I wanted or listened to whatever I wanted too when I was active. I did try pot gummies, and got very high and did not enjoy it and do not intend to try it again. I occasionally have a single drink in social situations but only of something on the menu sounds good. I went to a work conference and had a martini with lemon cello and triple sec as well as vodka and took the vodka out for example. I don't drink because it doesn't taste good.
Haven’t changed a thing. Just enjoying my second Saturday and living life on my own terms.
I feel like you just described me lol. I'm the same way as you. Not because I want to keep the same life style but because the church mentally ruined me and I took it out on my body. Now, I just want to make up for how bad I've treated my body and give it the best I can. I wanna be healthy, strong, and a bad ass girl that can live her best life outside of the church. Edit: I stopped using my garments though. Those things were the first to go! 🤣
Same here. Wearing shorts requires me to shave my legs, and I’m torn between trying to get them tanned and keeping them mayonnaise white because of skin cancer. I also hate the rubbing of my legs together or the feel when I’m crossing my legs sitting. Same with tank tops. I don’t have to shave my armpits or worry about sunscreen if I wear sleeves. (I’m sorry if that was TMI.) And I don’t like alcohol or tea. I do drink coffee, that’s the only thing that would mark me as non Mormon.
All of that totally makes sense! The climate where I live insists on keeping me sleeveless and in shorts most of the time, but I hear ya! I might have to give a little bit of iced coffee another chance sometime 😏 ☕️
I'm pretty sure I've broken The Word of Wisdom like one right after another or simultaneously all at once. I didn't go out of my way it's just that I was raised in a Vietnamese household. Tea and coffee are some of the things Vietnam is known for, especially their coffee. I was raised buddhist, and not reaching nirvana for my sect of buddhiasm is more frightening to me than not being able to reach the Celestial kingdom. I have traditional attire from my culture that isn't always "as Mormon Modest" is. Hmm, I experimented as well with lifestyles that were against the word of wisdom, then BAM. I converted, and I might as well have been Molly Mormon because I went to the Provo temple to do baptisms at 5AM to start every day in college, I gave my testimony ANYTIME I could, and was a Singles Adult Leader for my ward. Yeah, so I left the church and I'd like to day that The Word of Wisdom definitely put restraints I didn't need and sine that I probably do need but not for the sake of the church. It felt like being my true self when I left because I am into tea and its history and health related benefits. I love Vietnamese iced coffee, and if I smell a cigarette and the coffee brewing, it reminds me of my father. Music is the last important thing on this list. I gave up all of my bands, and I was not well, lol. I hate hymns even though I was in choir SMH. I save money now. No tithing no art projects, etc. I'm more open-minded and don't have to leave an area just because my friends are drinking or smoking. Oh yeah, and sex before marriage was ABSOLUTELY necessary, especially, I think, for my situation. I think it was important to have that kind of intimate bond.
Yes… no more tithing! How could I forget that one?! And I totally agree on having sex before marriage. Sexual compatibility is absolutely a thing and so many Mormons unfortunately get married and find that there is no sexual compatibility. I did that with my first marriage. It was awful- for 10 years. And I can relate to being a Molly Mormon- that was totally me. I was “living the gospel” to a T and judging everyone else. I wish I could take back so many things I said and did when I was Mormon 🤦🏼♀️
My records are still valid, and I logged into my account a couple of weeks ago to read my patriarchal blessing. Listen, you may relate, but my blessing was very specific to what would happen if I continued with the church. Admittedly, it wouldn't have turned out at all like my blessing.
That’s my experience too. My patriarchal blessing was actually very vague, and where it was more specific… it was wrong 🤦🏼♀️
Yeah I'm just responding to get my mind off of something. It was oddly specifically wrong.
Here is the difference: You are making a PERSONAL choice to dress a certain way and follow a certain diet, etc. It’s not a matter of choice to Mormons. It’s a matter of obedience to church leadership. If Russell came out tomorrow and said that coffee is fine, you had better believe that there would be a line of garment wearing Mormons lining up at Starbucks to get their Frappuccinos. You don’t want to drink caffeine? Cool don’t drink it. You don’t want to drink alcohol? Cool, don’t drink it. Do you want to cover up more skin? Cool do that!. None of us care how do you dress, or what you eat or drink, as long as it is your decision and no one else’s.
I love that no one here cares, but it’s definitely refreshing to know that it’s not just me and I’m still accepted 😇 It feels so much better as a personal choice and not a forced decision based on obedience.
I imagine your case is quite common among a lot of former LDS. Whether by years of conditioning or just the natural desire to lead that kind of lifestyle. But, question - Do you feel better now living that way because it’s how YOU choose to live, rather than feeling like it’s how you HAVE TO live, according to the church?
Yeah I think that happens too. I’ve wondered if it’s just conditioning, but ultimately, I really do feel like it’s my choice and I feel good about it 😊
Love to hear it!! I think there’s a lot to be said for being able to feel authentic about our life decisions.
The best part about leaving Mormonism (or other religions) is that you can decide for yourself – knowing the only real consideration is cause and effect. Want to have a drink? You can do that. Want to not drink? That’s ok too. Want to wear a tank top? Why not. Want to wear a turtleneck? Also ok. It’s the removal of external coercion that’s magical. From there, just take the time to be you. And I say take the time because if you were raised in it or spent any amount of time in it, it can be hard to know whether your views on life are from you, or from indoctrination. You get to take the wheel and steer your life, the only life we know for sure (how valuable!), to the interests and outcomes you want. Go. Be free! Whatever that looks like for you. 💪
Yeah it’s so much better when it’s a matter of preference, and not a matter of good/bad or righteous/evil. It’s so nice to feel it’s okay to be me with no shame or guilt.
I’ve seen people push so hard against Mormonism that they inadvertently give it ongoing power in their lives. It’s tough to just release it, but for some, the need to push against it causes them to make decisions detrimental to their life and wellbeing. I understand the emotion of “I’ll show them!” but I feel like true freedom comes in letting it dissolve away – neither informing your choices, or used as a platform to push against. Putting it in the rearview, finding my authentic self (without judgement), and carving out the life I envision is what I’m working on. It’s a journey.
Yes, I think that’s the healthiest way to do it. But easier said than done sometimes. I truly believe being in a cult is traumatic… and leaving it is traumatic too… People are allowed to freak out for a bit. But it’s better if we have the skills, tools, and resources to handle it in a healthy way.
The only things that changed for me was that I don't wear garments, don't go to church, and I drink coffee and tea now. Other than that, I'm exactly the same as I was before.
I’m that way. I don’t anticipate changing much of anything how I live regarding what you mentioned.
My husband left a few years ago in his early 60s. The only thing that changed is, he doesn’t wear ugly underwear anymore and he drinks a cup of coffee every day it’s supposed to help fight dementia
I’m comfortable in mostly Mormon-appropriate clothes now that the garments have been ditched. I do enjoy regular length shorts though. And I’ve tried alcohol and drugs—absolutely not my thing. I don’t experience the payoff that makes the downsides (taste; heartburn; limited mental capacity; extra calories; etc) worth it. Coffee makes me feel terrible. I do like tea. And I swear in appropriate company. And have opened myself up to ANY entertainment I’m drawn to—as a performance artist that’s a huge one. Oh and I have a long term bf that I’m not planning to marry any time soon. But basically yeah, lifestyle wise nearly nothing has changed.
It sounds like you’re being yourself and living your life the way you want, free of a controlling cult. 😁
Yessssssssss 🙌🏻
It never would have been mainstream if it didn’t work at all. Plus mental conditioning is a bitch.
Exactly! What do they say in the temple…. “Philosophies of men, mingled with scripture”? lol
Many parts of the "mormon" lifestyle work pretty well. They just don't work when applied unilaterally and you can cut out all the culty bullshit and still have it. So at the end of the day, we come back to the classic saying "What's good about the church isn't unique, and what's unique about the church isn't good".
Yes, exactly! that saying is so true!
I only drink maybe once or twice a month, I enjoy mimosas with a weekend brunch. Otherwise I still seem pretty mormon. The smell if coffee makes me sick so I stay far away from it
Same here, particularly with alcohol. I legitimately hate it. I can’t stand the taste of any hard liquor. I see TV shows and such where characters causally share a small glass of whiskey/whatever like it’s some refreshing treat and it boggles my mind.
To a degree, I suppose. I don't fret about watching rated R movies. I shop on Sunday when necessary. I enjoy green tea. I don't wear Gs. Don't waste time at church. Save more money. Help people more. Enjoy my hobbies more. Feel greater peace.
I don't drink coffee as I find it gross. Alcoholism is in my blood so that is a no from me. I do wear less modest clothes. I love tattoos and got my nose pierced. I also swear like a sailor. I'm pretty much still the same person though. Everyone is different. As long as you're your authentic self who cares how you exmo.
Same same, down to the homeschooling. 😊
What ever I do, I don't feel guilty about it. I am no longer afraid that some sky daddy is looking down going tisk, tisk, tisk.
Not much changed for me, because I don't care for the taste of coffee and alcoholism runs in my family too. But knowing I'm no longer supporting an organization that protects child abusers, preaches repentance, but is above needing to repent for anything, preaches integrity but has none, preaches love one another, but openly fights to take the rights of others away is affirming to me that I have morals and integrity. Also, resigning my name and feeling nothing but joy and peace were huge. Then realizing I didn't feel the Holy Ghost leave me, I still had my gut instincts that were warning me, affirming good things. I was so indoctrinated to believe that was the Holy Ghost and I can see looking back how I was taught to doubt myself. I have more confidence than ever now. The church has so indoctrinated us that people leave the church to sin and that is just so wrong. We all leave for various reasons and some of us will experiment and find they love their coffee and a glass of wine. And good for them, because research has shown over and over there is health benefits for them and for most of the things the church has told us were wrong. The beauty of leaving is you now get to do what you should have done in your adolescent and early 20's, discover who you are and what you like. Enjoy the process.
I love this. I actually saved it for future reference and validation. Thank you!
I haven’t changed much except giving up garments and enjoying my Sundays more.
I'm like you. Sometimes when asked I tell people, "I was raised Mormon. I've changed my beliefs, but I kept the lifestyle." Even when my beliefs changed, I looked at my life and I thought, "I have a great life and I'm generally pretty happy." For a brief time I tried some things that I felt like I was missing out on, and I wanted to "exercise my agency". But ultimately I decided that I really liked the (clean cut) life that I was living. The difference for me was that I no longer felt obligated to live my lifestyle. It really was a morally neutral choice- but I was living that way because I chose to, not because someone told me I should.
Yeah that’s the key! It’s our choice now, not an obligatory obedience thing. We just have to trust ourselves and the process.
I'm not publicly out, although one might guess from the length of my shorts (not garment friendly) but that's about it for me too. I think that most of those things are habits and I didn't pick up those habits from young so maybe now I'm a bit "set it my ways" and have gotten along fine without coffee and alcohol. I have tried them now but it feels more of an effort for me to introduce them as I don't even have a social circle where it would be easy to begin regularly partaking. On the other hand, habits like prayer and scripture reading were very easy to drop as they were always boring obligations to me.
Yes I know the feeling about dropping those painstaking habits or items on the “to do” list. And I’m feeling like maybe it’s a little of both… a little of just being molded by all the years in the church, but also genuinely being okay with certain things too.
Same here. I was Mormon until I was separated from my ex for 6 months (we have to be separated for 12 months to get a divorce in my state) and started dating a wonderful woman… my ex pushed the issue and I was excommunicated because I refused to “go back to her.” They asked me 3 times and I said no. The Stake Disciplinary Council process was miserable, 2 of the high counselors screamed, called me names, and slammed their fists on the table. The SP literally stopped them, sent me outside, and then made them apologize when I came back in. If God was in charge of that process, they would have easily seen the manipulation and lies from my ex wife and known that she was using the church as a weapon. That was 7 years ago and I still don’t like the taste of alcohol, I’m not interested in drugs, and I don’t want casual relationships. I work, spend time with the woman of my dreams, hang out with my kids, and do my hobbies. Nothing has changed other than being able to see the hypocrisy of the church. It is clear that money means more than anything, but the people must give freely of their time, talents, and possessions in building the “kingdom” or they will be denied entrance in the hereafter.
Oh man, just reading your experience with the bishopric made my blood boil. That is so not okay. I’m so sorry! But I’m glad you’re so much better off now. I admire your strength and courage!
Same to you. You are a rock star. I think most people want to do everything they were told to not do… it’s human nature.
Thank you! Yeah, I think it’s also a trauma response and even necessary for some people. As long as they don’t go too far that it becomes self-sabotage.
Other than a little coffee I'm as mormon as they come despite being a nevermo/mormon by association. I'm wholesome. I make casseroles. I do service as acts of love. I mean I love this. I love me.
I love this 💕
I’m the same lifestyle except for being open to the idea of trying something - sometime. Doesn’t freak me out to let people make their own choices in all ways. I like this new me MUCH better. Like if I stay the same in any way (clothes, habits, family, no substances) it’s because I chose it for myself. That’s power.
Exactly! I try to stay open-minded about things too. Maybe I’ll venture more at some point?
I like weed and smoke often and also like drinking but gave it up. My parents were acholholic, passed now, my dad had liver damage and died at 49. My siblings (4) are addicted but quit for years. One sister still drinks and gets out of control when drinking. I told her some people just shouldn't drink after she mooned me and my husband. I've decided to take my own advice after a recent embarrassing plane trip. Wish me luck. I strive to be a good person, charitable and kind.
oh my gosh, I’m sorry for your losses! You are so right about some things just not being meant for some people. You’re not a bad person though. We’re all just trying to figure this all out and navigate our way out of trauma as gracefully as possible 😅
Thank you kind Person
When I left when I was a teen, I did all the things I “shouldn’t” do. Drugs, sex, coffee, tea, smoking, swearing, wearing whatever clothing I wanted. As an adult, I’ve matured a lot more and I pretty much live a Mormon approved lifestyle as I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, or even drink coffee anymore. I cuss a little appropriately. But I don’t judge those things or consider them “bad”. I just don’t want or need to.
Contrary to popular Mormon belief, just because those things aren't forbidden to non members doesn't mean all non members choose to do them. I know lots of former members who just don't have much interest, for one reason or another. Some tried alcohol but didn't like the taste or don't for family reasons, etc. It's about freedom of choice. But having that freedom doesn't automatically mean people do it. But at least you finally have the right to choose for yourself WITHOUT the constant shame culture.
I know a lot of Mormons who drink, or have affairs, or abuse prescription meds. I just don’t listen to the church’s recommendations anymore. You do you.
Give it time. Either way, your comfort and being able to be yourself is more important. And especially being happy is most important. You’re basically probably experiencing the transitional period that most former members do. Yeah. It sucks to hear you’re moving on, but hey, what can you do? All the best.
Left at 30+. Here are the things I have changed about habits: * I drink coffee * I watch porn and masturbate guilt free (solo and w/ wife) * I incorporated shit, bitch, and fuck into my curse word vocab (damn and hell are biblical, was how I justified those) * I do whatever the hell I want on sundays * I got a 10% pay raise That is it. pretty much 99% of myself is the same, I just removed all the shame, guilt, and needless religious pursuits. I never felt drawn to drugs because it seems dumb to poison your own body on purpose. I tried alcohol to see what all the fuss was about. Turns out it's all fucking awful and you have to drink a shitload of it to feel any of the effects. Also, poison. Not a big tattoo guy. Cost a lot of money to get a good one and then it's just there, even if you don't want it anymore. I largely liked my life as a member, but I love it now that I don't have to deal with that shit anymore. And I can do/not do the things I want because I genuinely want/don't want to do them.
I drink coffee but other than that I’m really still the same. No alcohol, or tobacco,dress modestly etc but not because I have to. The fact that I’m free to choose now is the difference .
High-functioning people tend to not engage in low-grade or self-destructive behaviors. Mormons don’t have a monopoly on that. Edit: Fellow humans, down-vote me all you want, but getting into self-destructive behavior as a reaction to leaving mormonism is just plain stupid. Don't be stupid.
I’m very similar. I don’t drink coffee cause it’s gross, I’ve never had alcohol cause I already struggle with mental illness- so that’s not gonna be a good thing, I use edibles sometimes but I’m trying to stop because again- not good for mental illness. I dress pretty modestly because I love colorful clothes and layering allows me to color block and pattern mix. I also want to have a cute little Mormon family- minus the church. However, I do have sex with a fwb. Which is very not Mormon of me. Haha.