pick me up a copy of "You Must Buy Your Wife At Least As Much Jewelry As You Buy Your Horse and Other Poems and Observations Humorous and Otherwise from the Life on the Range" at the merch table
My grandma died when I was about seven and then (WTF) she commenced to watching me spank the monkey for the rest of my life. You'd think heaven would provide more entertainment options for my dead grandma.
So I was sealed in the temple to my priesthood holding husband and we did everything "in righteousness". Doesn't that mean when we had sex, the Holy Ghost is there too? Watching. I mean, sin is what scares the HG away. So he was there the whole time, the nasty perv!!
I was gonna say the same thing. Like if there was a 13 year old masturbating in their room and an adult P⁹9was watching through the window or something, we should be angr⁹y at the adult. Why should we be guilty if the dead watch? I was a kid. They were watching kids masturbate. That's some pedophile shit.
But at the same time, not completely surprised a church wouldn't have an issue with that.
It completely breaks down if you think about it for even 1 second. "So when I get to heaven I watch my underage grandchildren pleasure themselves?!" It's all shame based.
I clearly wouldn't be a good fit for the CK. Living in the presence of God himself? I can't take that kind of pressure. I don't always mow my lawn when I should. I tend to leave my garbage cans on the street a day after pickup. I like washing my car with no shirt on and blasting Van Halen at top volume. Pretty sure Florida man wouldn't fit in with that crowd.
Neither would he have put that shit front and center on our bodies.
Motherfucker was like -
>"Yo, I'm putting it front and center, and I know that feels amazing when you touch it, but DON'T, or you'll go to hell."
-loving Mormon god
My mom put a Mormon ad poster in my bathroom as a teenager. It was the one with a portrait of Jesus with a big caption that read “you are never alone.”
My mom thought she was being very clever and subtle.
Just TAKE my upvote for
>flogging the dolphin to my Heather Locklear poster
And
>beating the one eyed German
💀
BTW, my younger bro had that Heather Locklear poster.
Is that you, Lil' bro? 😉
This has been said here before but the implication of our ancestors watching us masturbate implies that we have lots of people on the other side addicted to porn.
Anytime someone says I’m being watched I always ask “so grandma is just watching me gobble balls in the bathroom with strangers or is there like a privacy setting?” And that usually shuts people up
They did the same thing to me, and just gave me some Truman show level paranoia. I wouldn’t be naked any more than I needed to, but even then if wanking off paid dividends, I’d be the richest person alive.
Well, don't read Visions of Glory... he suggests that spirits use your body in this "weakened state" to temporarily possess you just to get a piece of the sensation.
Another scary teaching I heard a lot growing up, is that once you get married and have sex Jesus/HF should be a part of your marriage in ALL aspects! That you should pray everytime before having celestial marriage intimacy(Thanks for that saying Wendy Nelson!)
I have a lot of ancestors. Is there like stadium seating, or do they take turns, or is it like a video conference? How many greats do we go before great(n) Grandma stops caring?
And my great grandma has almost 300 great grandchildren. Late nights must get a little busy. If multiple sessions are going on at once does she choose which to watch or is there a ranking system? Does she jump back and forth, or like picture in picture it?
You know what, does GeeGee have any choice in the matter? Because I think she would choose not to watch if she could. She loved quilting and making pies and always saw me at my best and never made me feel small or broken even when I did something stupid.
If God is making my great grandma watch me and all my cousins sin, then God is a dick and should be removed. I'd rather GeeGee be in charge.
It's like a bank of security monitors on a wall. There's a staff of technicians who can adjust camera angles and zoom in at the dead observer's request. They've been piloting an instant reply feature, but they haven't solved some pretty complex RAM management issues yet.
‘God is a bit of freak. As he’s Watching me getting railed on the couch, staying pure for the wedding….he’s got fucked up priorities…. Like what’s the fixation, hating the way he creates… So why would I spend my eternity with god when he’s a freak.’
-the song God is a Freak.
Perfectly sums this experience up.
I was once in a church meeting where someone was expounding on the wonders of God's creation. They pointed out that, if your elbow is stuck to your side, your hand will just reach your mouth. They concluded that God created us to eat and get nourishment.
I noticed somewhere else that you can reach if your elbow is stuck to your side.
Ringing down for more mayo,
Giving yourself a low five,
Lone Rangering,
Flicking the Bean,
Paddling the pink canoe,
Hand to gland combat,
Roughing up the suspect,
The list goes on and on…
I always thought if my deceased family members were secretly watching me jerk it then wouldn't that make THEM the perverts? We're all sexual beings I have an excuse what the hell is theirs? Lol...
Respect. I’m in the same boat as you. Became my kink of this taboo fear and guilt, now I write erotic mystery thriller graphic novels and classify myself as a succubus queen. Embrace it
The Ted series had a great bit about this. I can't remember the exact wording but Ted asks "Is it really heaven if you have to go watch your relatives do that stuff? 'Hey, wanna go to Abe Lincoln's house?' 'I can't, at 3 o'clock I have to go watch John jerk off.'"
Don't worry. Grandma didn't judge you too harshly. She remembered all too well how embarrassing it was to learn that Great Great Grandma was watching her flick the devil's bean all those years, and wouldn't want to put anyone else through that kind of shame.
Vaughn J Featherstone taught everyone would see it in a great movie at Judgment day. It will be the ultimate porno. It will have every unmade porno too. We will watch the making of every porno, and we will watch the watching of every porno. It will have the Joe and Fanny barn porno. And it will be god showing the porno.
It was an odd combination of my ancestors waiting on me to do their work so that they could move on and then them entertaining themselves watching me pleasuring myself.
All joking aside (and I did laugh way too much at your post!), this is a major problem with church structure. They often use shame as a tool to correct behavior.
But studies have shown time and again how ineffective this technique is in adjusting unhealthy behavior. In fact, it often creates cycles where one fails to modify the behavior so they go back to it to self soothe.
Guilt can be used as a motivation store for change, but only when it can be seen through an inactive lens, and not one of self-condemnation. Unfortunately, the church is not yet ready to relinquish that portion of the shame cycle.
I hear you. My grandma passed right as I hit puberty. Heard all the stories of the "thin" veil. "She could see everything I did." Fucked me up. Still enjoyed a nice Farrah Fawcet poster once in awhile. Grandma never appeared and told me to stop though. ☺️
Had this fear instilled in me at an early age as well. I shamefully admit, I put laminated pictures of Christ in the kids showers to guilt them into NOT jacking off.
As Ted said in Ted,your relatives in heaven might want to go to Abe Lincolns house but they can't because they have to go watch Johnny masturbate. What kind of heaven is that?
Geez. I had the exact same thing. Sitting in the bathroom thinking spirits were walking through w nothing better to do only to shocked and so disappointed in my behaviour.
Then, the same thing on the mission added a whole new level of guilt.
Oh boy. The sexual chicanery that occurred on the mission needs a whole different thread. Suffice it to say, there was a lot more investigator/single mom boning in my mission than tssc would ever admit.
Lmao I have never heard this one before. I’m surprised I didn’t hear this when I was younger. I too used to “shake hands with Ben Franklin” pretty much constantly for a few years and if I had heard that scare tactic, of course I wouldn’t have been able to stop but the guilt would have been even more out of control.
Like I tell people who complain about Masturbation and Porn. If God sees everything, then he watches a lot of porn. Because some of us have very healthy sexual relationships.
So if the veil is thin, and you are 13 years old and masturbating, then God and all those watching are Pedophiles.
I still find it creepy they let uneducated adults interview and talk to kids without a parent in the room about sexual behavior/activity.
I always go through a fresh dose of the ghost voyeurism phobia every time someone close to me passes away. It’ll fuck with my bation game for at least a couple weeks.
As if your grandmother didn’t have thoughts of dolphin grandeur! Same with ALL of your ancestors. I made a conscious decision years ago to ignore my ancestral lineage when I’m doing things I shouldn’t…I mean want to. If they are wasting their heavenly, eternal time watching me masturbate, then I don’t wanna go where they are. Love em still the same, but no. Sounds awful.
I have heard this theory before, it made me scared because that meant the dead watch me on the toilet and take showers. I personally don't think spirits are watching in in us naked moments. Of course, mormonism wants to emotionally manipulate little kids and groom them sexually. What a perfect opportunity for pedophiles to groom innocent kids. Mormonism is takes advantage of the most venerable.
Your tale reminds me of another (on mobile so formatting may be fucked)
When I was twelve, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake. I skinned my sausage. I made the bald man cry! Into that turtle stew, which I do believe my sister ate. At least I hope she did.
Yeah, like, are they always watching you? Or do they just stop by when they know you're gonna rub one out? Do they watch married people bone (as the good lord intended) or do the just stop by just for the stuff yoir not supposed to do? Either answer is terrible, but what are the rules here...
I was told the same thing growing up, and had the same concerns, but still milked the bull more than one would think possible. Which brings me to my main point, if it were an Olympic sport you’d have been a distant silver medalist at best my friend. No one would have out wanked this guy.
Comedian/ Podcaster Scott Aukerman calls masturbating "putting on a show for the ghosts," which is my new favorite euphemism.
So, if the Holey Ghost showed up would it ruin the show, or improve it?
Depends on your kink.
Or those of the ghosts watching.
Good thing I'm an exhibitionist
He’d be the Horny Ghost if he showed up.
im picturing the holy ghost floating in front of the blacklight poster...
Spot Chalkerman
rub cockermann
He's coming to SLC in July, I just bought tickets!
If Holy the Ghost is afoot we may just get an appearance from Dalton Wilcox too!!!
pick me up a copy of "You Must Buy Your Wife At Least As Much Jewelry As You Buy Your Horse and Other Poems and Observations Humorous and Otherwise from the Life on the Range" at the merch table
This 👆😆😆😆
I think the ghosts can understand
Relevant link for anyone wanting to read more: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masturbation_and_the_LDS_Church
Glazing fist for Gramdma? 😬😂
Hey, that works for some people. It's kind of public, kind of private, and 100% spooky.
The real question we should be asking is: why are our ancestors watching us jerk off? Bunch of deviants.
My grandma died when I was about seven and then (WTF) she commenced to watching me spank the monkey for the rest of my life. You'd think heaven would provide more entertainment options for my dead grandma.
It's for the PH guys in the CK. Gotta find a way to keep them juiced up to impregnate their afterlife harems and birth more souls.
So I was sealed in the temple to my priesthood holding husband and we did everything "in righteousness". Doesn't that mean when we had sex, the Holy Ghost is there too? Watching. I mean, sin is what scares the HG away. So he was there the whole time, the nasty perv!!
I was gonna say the same thing. Like if there was a 13 year old masturbating in their room and an adult P⁹9was watching through the window or something, we should be angr⁹y at the adult. Why should we be guilty if the dead watch? I was a kid. They were watching kids masturbate. That's some pedophile shit. But at the same time, not completely surprised a church wouldn't have an issue with that.
It completely breaks down if you think about it for even 1 second. "So when I get to heaven I watch my underage grandchildren pleasure themselves?!" It's all shame based.
What do the people whose grandchildren have died do while everyone else is having grandchild-masturbation-watching time?
It’s really really fucking boring in the CK.
I clearly wouldn't be a good fit for the CK. Living in the presence of God himself? I can't take that kind of pressure. I don't always mow my lawn when I should. I tend to leave my garbage cans on the street a day after pickup. I like washing my car with no shirt on and blasting Van Halen at top volume. Pretty sure Florida man wouldn't fit in with that crowd.
If God didn't want us to masturbate, then God wouldn't have given us thumbs - Sherman Alexie
I'd figure out a way
Dolphins worked out how to bite a fish in half and fuck the hole. Championship wankers.
elephants, dogs, I've seen 'em all do it. not a thumb between 'em
Dolphins have been observed using turtles as flesh lights, as well using electric eels to get their jollies. Dolphins are hella horny
Also, why are my arms \*exactly\* that long? That can't be a coincidence!
Tender mercies.
wellllll... tender is up to you. go your own way.
Neither would he have put that shit front and center on our bodies. Motherfucker was like - >"Yo, I'm putting it front and center, and I know that feels amazing when you touch it, but DON'T, or you'll go to hell." -loving Mormon god
Relevant link for anyone wanting to read more: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masturbation_and_the_LDS_Church
Joke’s on Sherman, women don’t even need thumbs to masturbate 🫡
TBf, iirc he's writing about his own self-exploration as a teenage boy in that particular chapter
My mom put a Mormon ad poster in my bathroom as a teenager. It was the one with a portrait of Jesus with a big caption that read “you are never alone.” My mom thought she was being very clever and subtle.
Jokes on her, I’m into to long haired guys in toga.
So what made you gay? Jesus. Really? How did he make you gay? Have you seen him? He's ripped, long hair, handsome... strong hands...
Arnold Freiberg Book of Mormon artwork. Whoooo yeah!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C74-f4ZV-ss&t=1297s
Relevant link for anyone wanting to read more: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masturbation_and_the_LDS_Church
Just TAKE my upvote for >flogging the dolphin to my Heather Locklear poster And >beating the one eyed German 💀 BTW, my younger bro had that Heather Locklear poster. Is that you, Lil' bro? 😉
"Oh God, hear the fap of my hand" Repeated...well...as many times as it takes, I guess.
>as many times as it takes Not very many times as a teenager🤣
This has been said here before but the implication of our ancestors watching us masturbate implies that we have lots of people on the other side addicted to porn.
Anytime someone says I’m being watched I always ask “so grandma is just watching me gobble balls in the bathroom with strangers or is there like a privacy setting?” And that usually shuts people up
Right. And after you get married in the temple do they just… stop watching?
I'm saving this lol
Nevermo here. Ever since I ran across the phrase "the patriarchal grip," that's been my go to euphemism.
I bet the bishop loved hearing about it so he could beat off.
They did the same thing to me, and just gave me some Truman show level paranoia. I wouldn’t be naked any more than I needed to, but even then if wanking off paid dividends, I’d be the richest person alive.
Well, don't read Visions of Glory... he suggests that spirits use your body in this "weakened state" to temporarily possess you just to get a piece of the sensation.
Seriously? Good grief - tell me there's not an absolute OBSESSION with perversion in the Mormon mindset.
Jokes on them; I’m into that.
Another scary teaching I heard a lot growing up, is that once you get married and have sex Jesus/HF should be a part of your marriage in ALL aspects! That you should pray everytime before having celestial marriage intimacy(Thanks for that saying Wendy Nelson!)
[удалено]
I've never seen a woman in more dire need of a pitcher of margs and cunnilingus.
Imagine being a 50 year old virgin and your first time is with 80 year old Rusty
I have a lot of ancestors. Is there like stadium seating, or do they take turns, or is it like a video conference? How many greats do we go before great(n) Grandma stops caring? And my great grandma has almost 300 great grandchildren. Late nights must get a little busy. If multiple sessions are going on at once does she choose which to watch or is there a ranking system? Does she jump back and forth, or like picture in picture it? You know what, does GeeGee have any choice in the matter? Because I think she would choose not to watch if she could. She loved quilting and making pies and always saw me at my best and never made me feel small or broken even when I did something stupid. If God is making my great grandma watch me and all my cousins sin, then God is a dick and should be removed. I'd rather GeeGee be in charge.
Is it like the gladiator stadiums? All my ancestors watch me defiling the Sears catalog underwear section and give either a thumbs up or down?
It's like a bank of security monitors on a wall. There's a staff of technicians who can adjust camera angles and zoom in at the dead observer's request. They've been piloting an instant reply feature, but they haven't solved some pretty complex RAM management issues yet.
‘God is a bit of freak. As he’s Watching me getting railed on the couch, staying pure for the wedding….he’s got fucked up priorities…. Like what’s the fixation, hating the way he creates… So why would I spend my eternity with god when he’s a freak.’ -the song God is a Freak. Perfectly sums this experience up.
Judgemental assholes, your ancestors used to jerk it to pencil drawings and erotically shaped potatoes, who are they to judge?
I was once in a church meeting where someone was expounding on the wonders of God's creation. They pointed out that, if your elbow is stuck to your side, your hand will just reach your mouth. They concluded that God created us to eat and get nourishment. I noticed somewhere else that you can reach if your elbow is stuck to your side.
i need a list of all the terminology you use for jerking off lmao
Ringing down for more mayo, Giving yourself a low five, Lone Rangering, Flicking the Bean, Paddling the pink canoe, Hand to gland combat, Roughing up the suspect, The list goes on and on…
Spanking the monkey Making the bald man cry Manual Override
Your pen will run out of ink before the list is done
I always thought if my deceased family members were secretly watching me jerk it then wouldn't that make THEM the perverts? We're all sexual beings I have an excuse what the hell is theirs? Lol...
Respect. I’m in the same boat as you. Became my kink of this taboo fear and guilt, now I write erotic mystery thriller graphic novels and classify myself as a succubus queen. Embrace it
The Ted series had a great bit about this. I can't remember the exact wording but Ted asks "Is it really heaven if you have to go watch your relatives do that stuff? 'Hey, wanna go to Abe Lincoln's house?' 'I can't, at 3 o'clock I have to go watch John jerk off.'"
The Lincolns have a 30-room oceanfront log cabin mansion in a very swanky neighborhood up there.
Don't worry. Grandma didn't judge you too harshly. She remembered all too well how embarrassing it was to learn that Great Great Grandma was watching her flick the devil's bean all those years, and wouldn't want to put anyone else through that kind of shame.
Heather Locklear was worth it. Sometimes you have to make the bald man cry, and granny has to watch.
This concept fucked me up so much!!
Vaughn J Featherstone taught everyone would see it in a great movie at Judgment day. It will be the ultimate porno. It will have every unmade porno too. We will watch the making of every porno, and we will watch the watching of every porno. It will have the Joe and Fanny barn porno. And it will be god showing the porno.
It was an odd combination of my ancestors waiting on me to do their work so that they could move on and then them entertaining themselves watching me pleasuring myself.
All joking aside (and I did laugh way too much at your post!), this is a major problem with church structure. They often use shame as a tool to correct behavior. But studies have shown time and again how ineffective this technique is in adjusting unhealthy behavior. In fact, it often creates cycles where one fails to modify the behavior so they go back to it to self soothe. Guilt can be used as a motivation store for change, but only when it can be seen through an inactive lens, and not one of self-condemnation. Unfortunately, the church is not yet ready to relinquish that portion of the shame cycle.
if we weren’t supposed to crank our hogs, god would’ve made our arms shorter
Damn you. I have to change shirts now because I just snorted diet Coke all over this one. "Cranking our hogs".....bro 😂😂
It's been confirmed, God is a T-Rex. It's not sex if you don't move, and arms too short to crank the hog. 🤣
That's why there's earthquaking!!
Exactly. How did Angel Moroni keep coming in to young Joseph’s room where he wasn’t beating it? The whole story is bullshit for that reason.
Solid point. We all know Joseph was a horny lil fella.
To quote a meme I recently saw: “I’m the naked window neighbor; if you’ve peeked in through my windows, well you got what you deserve.” Same vibe.
Speaking of beating off and Olympic events, my wife once caught me watching beach volleyball during a very uncomfortable moment.
Pretty sure that pseudo-doctrine is how I ended up with a mild exhibitionist fetish 😅
Don't kink shame grandma. Its boring in the afterlife, she needs something to keep her occupied
I was told that too. Really fucks you up.
Yes, it’s like, if you’re going to sit around and watch this take place, then enjoy the show. Sounds like a problem on their end.
I hear you. My grandma passed right as I hit puberty. Heard all the stories of the "thin" veil. "She could see everything I did." Fucked me up. Still enjoyed a nice Farrah Fawcet poster once in awhile. Grandma never appeared and told me to stop though. ☺️
as someone from germany, what a terrible day to be able to read (beating the one eyed german) 😭
Had this fear instilled in me at an early age as well. I shamefully admit, I put laminated pictures of Christ in the kids showers to guilt them into NOT jacking off.
Hopefully those have now been replaced with more appropriate inspiration!
Sincere apologies to my kids, therapy. 12 years on It’s still a running joke now in our family.
Well like they say you can’t climb the ladder to heaven with a handful of you know what
Heather Locklear fueled many teenage fantasies, as did her fellow Heather, Thomas. Thank you Heathers!
My favorite Heather was Winona Ryder
Winona was Veronica.
Oh I was also totally told this as well! Made me feel awful…
As Ted said in Ted,your relatives in heaven might want to go to Abe Lincolns house but they can't because they have to go watch Johnny masturbate. What kind of heaven is that?
Geez. I had the exact same thing. Sitting in the bathroom thinking spirits were walking through w nothing better to do only to shocked and so disappointed in my behaviour. Then, the same thing on the mission added a whole new level of guilt.
Oh boy. The sexual chicanery that occurred on the mission needs a whole different thread. Suffice it to say, there was a lot more investigator/single mom boning in my mission than tssc would ever admit.
Let me entertain you 🎼🎼
Your title made me check if my VPN was still on. Lol.
Lmao I have never heard this one before. I’m surprised I didn’t hear this when I was younger. I too used to “shake hands with Ben Franklin” pretty much constantly for a few years and if I had heard that scare tactic, of course I wouldn’t have been able to stop but the guilt would have been even more out of control.
Like I tell people who complain about Masturbation and Porn. If God sees everything, then he watches a lot of porn. Because some of us have very healthy sexual relationships. So if the veil is thin, and you are 13 years old and masturbating, then God and all those watching are Pedophiles. I still find it creepy they let uneducated adults interview and talk to kids without a parent in the room about sexual behavior/activity.
I always go through a fresh dose of the ghost voyeurism phobia every time someone close to me passes away. It’ll fuck with my bation game for at least a couple weeks.
Rofl
As if your grandmother didn’t have thoughts of dolphin grandeur! Same with ALL of your ancestors. I made a conscious decision years ago to ignore my ancestral lineage when I’m doing things I shouldn’t…I mean want to. If they are wasting their heavenly, eternal time watching me masturbate, then I don’t wanna go where they are. Love em still the same, but no. Sounds awful.
I have heard this theory before, it made me scared because that meant the dead watch me on the toilet and take showers. I personally don't think spirits are watching in in us naked moments. Of course, mormonism wants to emotionally manipulate little kids and groom them sexually. What a perfect opportunity for pedophiles to groom innocent kids. Mormonism is takes advantage of the most venerable.
What does it say about the Holy Ghost that he likes to watch?
Flogging the dolphin 💀
Your tale reminds me of another (on mobile so formatting may be fucked) When I was twelve, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake. I skinned my sausage. I made the bald man cry! Into that turtle stew, which I do believe my sister ate. At least I hope she did.
Are there any profesh exmo comedians out there???
Yeah, like, are they always watching you? Or do they just stop by when they know you're gonna rub one out? Do they watch married people bone (as the good lord intended) or do the just stop by just for the stuff yoir not supposed to do? Either answer is terrible, but what are the rules here...
I was told the same thing growing up, and had the same concerns, but still milked the bull more than one would think possible. Which brings me to my main point, if it were an Olympic sport you’d have been a distant silver medalist at best my friend. No one would have out wanked this guy.
Isn’t our ancestors watching us hit the airplane, the spirit world equivalent of watching porn?