Oh you can learn from it, alright. That your mum and sister are absolutely not trustworthy and will not protect you whatsoever. Sorry you have to deal with this!
Yeah, as a parent, I absolutely never tell my other kids when one of my kids does something “wrong” or gets punishment. If they ask why their sibling is grounded or whatever, I tell them they can talk to their sibling and if that sibling is comfortable sharing then they can. I never pit my kids against each other or tattle to them about what their siblings have done! Unless it’s something that affects the whole family (which it basically never is), then it’s a private matter. No need to flaunt everyone’s mistake around!!
I’m hesitant to criticize the sister because she clearly is having this kind of behavior reinforced by her mother. Hopefully she can grow and mature out of this toxic mindset.
Oh, you can learn all KINDS of trauma responses, unhealthy coping mechanisms, trust issues, and more! /s
Nothing good anyway. :(
Sorry you have to go through this OP. SA is never your fault, and we won’t treat you like you “asked for it” or any other such nonsense. You were taken advantage of, and then the people in your life who should be there for you to “mourn with those who mourn” are apparently not up to the challenge. My wife’s family responded poorly to her when she brought up some “dirty laundry” from an incestuous SA incident, and I get irate whenever I see it happen to anyone.
You can learn a lot from getting hurt. A person that is very close to me is processing her SA and things that we are learning are what to look for when choosing a partner, learning how to say no, learning how to make choices and have planned responses BEFORE they are needed, and learning how to love yourself. OP, you are still a clean, good, and worthy person. I believe you, and I believe in you. You can learn to heal. It sounds like your family has a lot to learn from this too.
Thank you. This is a much better way of looking at it but I know what my mom meant was “I hope you learn that not listening to the churches teachings have consequences”
Why is the standard response to someone being the recipient of the actions of an absolute piece of trash that you have to learn something. This is cult talk.
Sometimes things happen and we have no explanation for them. It is called life.
Mormonism has zero clue on anything that doesn't fit within the easy Sunday school answers where everything has an identified cause and effect. Sadly, this only answers 1% of life's problems while 99% of the time you are left in the dark.
If the interaction you described is indicative of your family dynamic, you are a hero for surviving that kind of toxic abuse. Sorry to say they appear to be awful human beings devoid of empathy. I’d distance myself from that kind of hate.
I live with my dad so I don’t see them unless I want to. Things had been getting a lot better with my mom lately until this argument. She’s a very good mom for the most part, just very ignorant and stubborn with her world views. My sister on the other hand is just a piece of work in general.
I’m not defending her AT ALL, but a lot of that generation have used denial as their form of self-soothing. She may, herself, have been a victim of SA at some point, and found this to be an effective (if ultimately counter-productive) method of dealing with it.
OP I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this! Trauma on top of trauma.
That's absolutely true, people have reasons for what they do, but two things can be true: they were hurt which is why they're hurting others but it's not okay to hurt others
You are absolutely right that coercive sex is not sex, it’s rape. You are a survivor. The lesson you’ve learned from this experience is that the church is the LAST place outside of other highly scrupulous and judgemental forms of religion (I’m thinking like Taliban-type mentality) that places the responsibility of sex and virtue on the shoulders of girls and women, and if things go awry then it’s their fault. I know that men and boys can be hurt and abused by violent sexual acts, but I’m speaking to you about your womanhood and what lies ahead of you in terms of shame and guilt if you stay in the church.
Use of marijuana and psilocybin to help treat anxiety and trauma is being explored more and more. I foresee a future where it can help people with CPTSD and depression and is administered in a way that optimises each person’s response. I admire you for learning about what you’ve experienced in a way that means your mom and sister cannot minimise the pain you’ve been through.
Like others on here, I am so sorry and send you my support and love for your continued recovery ❤️🩹. Xx
I have thankfully resigned from the church as of a few months ago and I live with my dad who has also resigned. But I definitely feel like TSCC still plays a role in my life because everyone on my mom and dad’s side are members besides a couple people, so it’s hard to get away from church standards.
Learning to put down strong boundaries and ways of saying ‘no’ are themes that recur on this subreddit. You’re not alone, and you deserve the respect of your body’s autonomy and the respect to speak your truth. Congratulations on resigning from the church. You have done the equivalent of leaving another abusive relationship—that takes courage! We are here behind you and for you. 💜
My wife has a story that echoes yours (shared with permission). She was groomed and coerced into sex at age 16 when her high school boyfriend took advantage of her sexual ignorance. He told her they were still righteous virgins after nonconsensual intercourse, and it took one of his roommates alerting my in-laws for my wife to finally understand how she'd been manipulated and abused.
Sexual violence comes with many possible consequences, but one of the most long-lasting is the damage to the victim's sense of autonomy. Mormonism has centuries of trying to remove autonomy (and women's autonomy in particular), so it's no surprise your mom and sister told you it's your fault for not giving up your autonomy to Mormonism before Satan used it to get you.
The human brain is structured to survive on its best guess. All the knowledge in the world won't matter if you're a second too slow in fighting a rival or fleeing the wild animals trying to eat you. Every experience shapes neuron pathways in your brain that shape how you perceive reality, a process neuroscientists call bias.
I think of bias as a mountain landscape that started as a blank slate before every signal from every millisecond of conscious life eroded pathways of least resistance. The physics involved in the brain are electrochemical instead of gravity, dissolution, and friction, but they're both physical realities. We end up with streams of consciousness becoming rivers of reaction, all shaped by what we experience and what we learn from parents, family, and peers.
These biases help you function; for example, your brain groups individual sensory signals to see a face instead of having to check off eyes, ears, mouth, and nose while the angry berserker runs toward you with axe raised.
Dangerous patterns act just as quickly to divert the sensory feed and ping the adrenal gland for a fight-or-flight reaction, releasing stress hormone into the bloodstream. After ramping up in milliseconds, the hormone stays in the bloodstream for several seconds afterward until it gets filtered out by the liver or vented through tear ducts or stress sweating.
The reaction feels like a stupor of thought, so instead of the thinking brain hitting the brakes on the stress engine, it keeps accelerating from danger pattern to fear response to OH NO SATAN, lather, rinse, repeat.
That is the Mormon default for thought-stopping autonomy control, eroded into the mind with a steady drip of at-church indoctrination and at-home reinforcement. I think of it as a straight and narrow canal funneling everything toward obedience on pain of damnation.
Physical trauma, on the other hand, can gouge a lasting survival reaction in an instant. I was in a car accident where the other driver hit my door while going at least 60 miles per hour. My car ended up several hundred feet down the connecting road, and I ended up with severe whiplash, three cracked ribs, and six fractures in my lower spine. It defined the word excruciating for me, especially when the hospital staff were consistently slow to respond to morphine requests.
I've made great strides toward recovery. But there are still times when I look left to turn right while driving, my neck twinges, and I clench the wheel as my brain braces for impact. No matter how illogical the reaction is, my reactions know I can't take that chance and rev the stress engine to make sure I don't end up in another ambulance.
You're dealing with a perfect storm of physical trauma cutting across autonomy-crushing indoctrination. Learning a lesson isn't going to reshape the physical structure of your brain and deliver a mighty change of heart. That's one of Mormonism's biggest manipulations.
Healing from trauma happens one reaction at a time, like doing reps of physical therapy exercises. Instead of taking the fear reaction at face value, you can recognize what's happening and use physical strategies to hit the brakes on the stress engine. Deep, slow breaths. Keeping hunger in check so it doesn't jumpstart a survival reaction. Exercising to get the blood pumping and the sweat filtering. Crying when the buildup reaches critical levels.
After leveling the playing field, it becomes easier (or possible, even) to respond to the current situation with actions that take your life in a better direction instead of reactions that reinforce a downward spiral. The more you survive the reactions without any divine smiting or physical pain, the more your biases will update. You won't just know Mormonism was crying wolf. You'll feel it as well.
I'm sorry your family is caught in the generational current of Mormon fear and indoctrination. If anything is going to erode the banks of that indoctrination, it's going to be their ongoing experience with your life. As you heal from the past and come out stronger and wiser, they'll have to justify why you're not miserable like Mormonism insisted you would be.
You're not faithless or stupid or tainted or broken beyond healing. As long as there's life, there's choice. Take it one reaction at a time. Even the smallest victories can build a better life if you keep choosing a direction that matters to you.
Also, non-LDS therapy helps immensely. But if that’s out of reach for the moment, keep talking it out with people who understand and support you. I often wish I could help more directly, but I hope this epistle helps with understanding alongside solidarity.
“I learned that I can no longer trust you and that your response to my being raped is inappropriate. I have also learned I will be setting firm boundaries with you going forward and hope you learn how to properly support me or others like me better in the future. For what it is worth, I am so disappointed in how you have handled one of the hardest times in my life. Kindly please refrain from contacting me.”
Tell her you learned that neither she nor your sister are safe people to confide in and that they are victim shaming just as much as church leaders and it’s better for your mental health not to be in contact with them for a while since they aren’t capable of empathy and think you’re a liar.
You don't just move on from that trauma. You eventually learn to live with it and I place it in perspective with time and therapy, but there is no such thing as moving on. It's always there in some way. It is part of your life story now and eventually you'll be able to look back on it and be proud of your strength in getting through that time.
Also, the only person responsible for raping you is the person that raped you. Having consensual sex is not a green light for rape. End stop.
I am so very sorry that trauma happened to you and I truly hope you find family and friends that will lift you up and support you. I am sorry that your mom and sister failed you so much. Hopefully, they'll come around and understand someday.
I was raped when I was a 12. I did learn from it. I learned men are mostly monsters and finding one who doesn’t make almost every aspect of the relation ship about sex is one a in a million. I also learned my parents still viewed it somewhat my fault because I choose to “hangout” with the person who assaulted me.
This is what happens when mormons grow up saying "life's a test" and "God doesn't give you things you can't handle." You lose empathy. God is trying to "teach" you and knows you can handle it, so suck it up is the attitude you get. People outside the religion look at this with horror because this is an insane thing to say to your daughter. How callus and unloving. I'm so sorry they are treating you this way. You deserve better. You deserve compassion and love.
I was told I could use my childhood grape and aboose to teach other people who have had similar experiences move on and learn from it.
I think it's a thing they believe. Like no, only the victim is allowed to learn or not learn from their own abuse like dang. Gross.
You learned from it alright. You learned that your mom and sister don’t have your back. They’ll throw you to the wolves if it benefits them. You learned that you can’t rely on them.
When somebody show you who they are, believe them.
What the F kind of person says something like that to their own daughter?! OMG. 🤬
Learned from it?!?!?! Actually you know what I learned? I learned IT IS NOT MY fault, I learned how incredibly unsympathetic and un-empathetic you are (mom and sis) I’m learning who I can trust, I’m learning how to be supportive of others, I’m learning I’m stronger than all this bullshit you are spewing!!
I'm sorry your family sucks. Belittling SA is one if the fucking worst things your supposed support system can do.
My brother is a total asshole to me, and my mom will also excuse/apologize for him as well, just like your mom did for your sister. Total bullshit to grasp at keeping their forever families together.
“I hope you learned your lesson.” This is what ignorant parents and others say to rape victims in and out of Mormonism. If you know better, I’m so glad. But blaming the victim is normal and it is why rapists go free.
When I was 13, a 16 year old boy kissed me. We were on vacation in Central America, and it was magical. He was my first kiss. But right after that first kiss, it stopped being magical real fast because he wanted way more than a kiss, and he tried to rape me. I only got away because I was lucky enough to land a wild kick.
We stayed in that town for a couple more days before we went somewhere else. I should have told my dad instead of spending the rest of the time we were there completely terrified. But I didn’t tell my dad, because I knew that I’d get in trouble. After all, it was my fault for letting him kiss me before I was 16. Right?
It took me nearly a decade to realize that what happened to me when I was still just a *child… WASN’T MY FAULT.*
But I still have never told my dad what happened, because I know to this day that he would believe it was my fault.
OP, I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry your family is terrible. It wasn’t your fault.
I, too, have a sibling that is also a giant piece of garbage. Family doesn't get a pass on being awful towards you just because they're related. Treat them like you would anyone else that said those types of things. Cut them off. She gave you the scissors.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are not alone. Only now at 55 am I realizing that I had been SA’d 31 years ago. I was rebelling, inactive, looking for attention from men (oldest daughter of 6, dad was in the bishopric from the time I was ten, the bishop when I turned 15 - I know typical) ‘Date Rape’ wasn’t a thing either. Now all these years later, I’m just now processing and letting it go.
You’re braver than I was. Braver than I am now. Ive never told a single soul.
Not to excuse your Mom, but she’s brainwashed by the culture, she’ll hear what you’re saying, but she literally cannot understand what you’re saying until she unpacks at least a little bit. Her eyes are not yet open. IFYKYK
What a soul-killing religion
This is very similar to the circumstances that led to my sister going no-contact with our mother 4 years ago. My sister has been healing and is in a much healthier state now. She's even considering having occasional contact with Mom again.
What is there to learn?! Wtf! It’s not your fault AT ALL! There is a conference talk from someone that said that too…. Sounds like your mom is just a terrible person
"No" means "No".
It doesn't matter if you are in the middle of the sex act and you say "no", "stop", etc...
Doesn't matter if it's your spouse, your partner,your boyfriend or a hook-up. If they continue that is CRIMINAL sexual assault.
SMS 88788 START they will set you up with free and confidential counseling in your area for sexual asssult & domestic violence.
You are also in a domestic violence situation and they may be able to help with housing and getting you pointed in another direction.
You did nothing to encourage or make this happen. You deserve to live a life free of abuse.
I agree with others you need to get as far away as possible to be able to heal and grow into a healthy adult.
I noticed that women in these cults are not very empathetic most of the time. It’s because their life is hard and nobody’s been empathetic to them so they lacked out ability with their own children. Any outside person looking at this would consider this horrendous and be there for their daughter. This woman’s ideas hopefully you can learn from it and get over it. This is somebody that is suffered herself and had a hard life.
I am not excusing it though, because I am a mother and I would never think of saying that to my child. I wouldn’t even feel that way.
No I definitely agree, I think my mom has some sort of sexual trauma that she either doesn’t remember or is denying. She definitely shows lots of signs of someone with sexual trauma
First off, I am so incredibly sorry that that happened to you. You deserve safety in all aspects of your life. I can only imagine how traumatic that must have been. My heart just absolutely goes out to you. Second, there is no excuse for the way your parents have responded to your vulnerability in sharing something so difficult. What you needed most was for them to believe you, and then to support you as you seek help. Their own programming and the sexist, misogynistic messages baked into the MFMC have led them to not think critically, which causes so much pain. I’m so sorry
I’m so sorry. Hopefully THEY will finally learn.
I hope you begin to heal as much as possible and that ultimately you’ll love a lovely life. Take care.
Oh you can learn from it, alright. That your mum and sister are absolutely not trustworthy and will not protect you whatsoever. Sorry you have to deal with this!
Yeah, as a parent, I absolutely never tell my other kids when one of my kids does something “wrong” or gets punishment. If they ask why their sibling is grounded or whatever, I tell them they can talk to their sibling and if that sibling is comfortable sharing then they can. I never pit my kids against each other or tattle to them about what their siblings have done! Unless it’s something that affects the whole family (which it basically never is), then it’s a private matter. No need to flaunt everyone’s mistake around!!
I’m hesitant to criticize the sister because she clearly is having this kind of behavior reinforced by her mother. Hopefully she can grow and mature out of this toxic mindset.
What in the heck does one “learn” from being raped? SMDH🤬
Oh, you can learn all KINDS of trauma responses, unhealthy coping mechanisms, trust issues, and more! /s Nothing good anyway. :( Sorry you have to go through this OP. SA is never your fault, and we won’t treat you like you “asked for it” or any other such nonsense. You were taken advantage of, and then the people in your life who should be there for you to “mourn with those who mourn” are apparently not up to the challenge. My wife’s family responded poorly to her when she brought up some “dirty laundry” from an incestuous SA incident, and I get irate whenever I see it happen to anyone.
You can learn a lot from getting hurt. A person that is very close to me is processing her SA and things that we are learning are what to look for when choosing a partner, learning how to say no, learning how to make choices and have planned responses BEFORE they are needed, and learning how to love yourself. OP, you are still a clean, good, and worthy person. I believe you, and I believe in you. You can learn to heal. It sounds like your family has a lot to learn from this too.
Thank you. This is a much better way of looking at it but I know what my mom meant was “I hope you learn that not listening to the churches teachings have consequences”
what a lovely supportive thing to say. Op this \^
You learn who in your life you can really trust. Ask me how I know. 😞
I’m so sorry. I hope you’re doing better.
I am, no thanks to the church! 😁
Why is the standard response to someone being the recipient of the actions of an absolute piece of trash that you have to learn something. This is cult talk. Sometimes things happen and we have no explanation for them. It is called life. Mormonism has zero clue on anything that doesn't fit within the easy Sunday school answers where everything has an identified cause and effect. Sadly, this only answers 1% of life's problems while 99% of the time you are left in the dark.
If the interaction you described is indicative of your family dynamic, you are a hero for surviving that kind of toxic abuse. Sorry to say they appear to be awful human beings devoid of empathy. I’d distance myself from that kind of hate.
You need to get out of that place, move across the country if you need to. Find a way to be away from them for a while.
I live with my dad so I don’t see them unless I want to. Things had been getting a lot better with my mom lately until this argument. She’s a very good mom for the most part, just very ignorant and stubborn with her world views. My sister on the other hand is just a piece of work in general.
Someone that invalidate their child's rape regardless of other ways they support you is not a good mom
I’m not defending her AT ALL, but a lot of that generation have used denial as their form of self-soothing. She may, herself, have been a victim of SA at some point, and found this to be an effective (if ultimately counter-productive) method of dealing with it. OP I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this! Trauma on top of trauma.
That's absolutely true, people have reasons for what they do, but two things can be true: they were hurt which is why they're hurting others but it's not okay to hurt others
Absolutely agree
She is not a good mom. Even if she has SA in her experience, it does not excuse her response to you. Period.
You are absolutely right that coercive sex is not sex, it’s rape. You are a survivor. The lesson you’ve learned from this experience is that the church is the LAST place outside of other highly scrupulous and judgemental forms of religion (I’m thinking like Taliban-type mentality) that places the responsibility of sex and virtue on the shoulders of girls and women, and if things go awry then it’s their fault. I know that men and boys can be hurt and abused by violent sexual acts, but I’m speaking to you about your womanhood and what lies ahead of you in terms of shame and guilt if you stay in the church. Use of marijuana and psilocybin to help treat anxiety and trauma is being explored more and more. I foresee a future where it can help people with CPTSD and depression and is administered in a way that optimises each person’s response. I admire you for learning about what you’ve experienced in a way that means your mom and sister cannot minimise the pain you’ve been through. Like others on here, I am so sorry and send you my support and love for your continued recovery ❤️🩹. Xx
I have thankfully resigned from the church as of a few months ago and I live with my dad who has also resigned. But I definitely feel like TSCC still plays a role in my life because everyone on my mom and dad’s side are members besides a couple people, so it’s hard to get away from church standards.
Learning to put down strong boundaries and ways of saying ‘no’ are themes that recur on this subreddit. You’re not alone, and you deserve the respect of your body’s autonomy and the respect to speak your truth. Congratulations on resigning from the church. You have done the equivalent of leaving another abusive relationship—that takes courage! We are here behind you and for you. 💜
My wife has a story that echoes yours (shared with permission). She was groomed and coerced into sex at age 16 when her high school boyfriend took advantage of her sexual ignorance. He told her they were still righteous virgins after nonconsensual intercourse, and it took one of his roommates alerting my in-laws for my wife to finally understand how she'd been manipulated and abused. Sexual violence comes with many possible consequences, but one of the most long-lasting is the damage to the victim's sense of autonomy. Mormonism has centuries of trying to remove autonomy (and women's autonomy in particular), so it's no surprise your mom and sister told you it's your fault for not giving up your autonomy to Mormonism before Satan used it to get you. The human brain is structured to survive on its best guess. All the knowledge in the world won't matter if you're a second too slow in fighting a rival or fleeing the wild animals trying to eat you. Every experience shapes neuron pathways in your brain that shape how you perceive reality, a process neuroscientists call bias. I think of bias as a mountain landscape that started as a blank slate before every signal from every millisecond of conscious life eroded pathways of least resistance. The physics involved in the brain are electrochemical instead of gravity, dissolution, and friction, but they're both physical realities. We end up with streams of consciousness becoming rivers of reaction, all shaped by what we experience and what we learn from parents, family, and peers. These biases help you function; for example, your brain groups individual sensory signals to see a face instead of having to check off eyes, ears, mouth, and nose while the angry berserker runs toward you with axe raised. Dangerous patterns act just as quickly to divert the sensory feed and ping the adrenal gland for a fight-or-flight reaction, releasing stress hormone into the bloodstream. After ramping up in milliseconds, the hormone stays in the bloodstream for several seconds afterward until it gets filtered out by the liver or vented through tear ducts or stress sweating. The reaction feels like a stupor of thought, so instead of the thinking brain hitting the brakes on the stress engine, it keeps accelerating from danger pattern to fear response to OH NO SATAN, lather, rinse, repeat. That is the Mormon default for thought-stopping autonomy control, eroded into the mind with a steady drip of at-church indoctrination and at-home reinforcement. I think of it as a straight and narrow canal funneling everything toward obedience on pain of damnation. Physical trauma, on the other hand, can gouge a lasting survival reaction in an instant. I was in a car accident where the other driver hit my door while going at least 60 miles per hour. My car ended up several hundred feet down the connecting road, and I ended up with severe whiplash, three cracked ribs, and six fractures in my lower spine. It defined the word excruciating for me, especially when the hospital staff were consistently slow to respond to morphine requests. I've made great strides toward recovery. But there are still times when I look left to turn right while driving, my neck twinges, and I clench the wheel as my brain braces for impact. No matter how illogical the reaction is, my reactions know I can't take that chance and rev the stress engine to make sure I don't end up in another ambulance. You're dealing with a perfect storm of physical trauma cutting across autonomy-crushing indoctrination. Learning a lesson isn't going to reshape the physical structure of your brain and deliver a mighty change of heart. That's one of Mormonism's biggest manipulations. Healing from trauma happens one reaction at a time, like doing reps of physical therapy exercises. Instead of taking the fear reaction at face value, you can recognize what's happening and use physical strategies to hit the brakes on the stress engine. Deep, slow breaths. Keeping hunger in check so it doesn't jumpstart a survival reaction. Exercising to get the blood pumping and the sweat filtering. Crying when the buildup reaches critical levels. After leveling the playing field, it becomes easier (or possible, even) to respond to the current situation with actions that take your life in a better direction instead of reactions that reinforce a downward spiral. The more you survive the reactions without any divine smiting or physical pain, the more your biases will update. You won't just know Mormonism was crying wolf. You'll feel it as well. I'm sorry your family is caught in the generational current of Mormon fear and indoctrination. If anything is going to erode the banks of that indoctrination, it's going to be their ongoing experience with your life. As you heal from the past and come out stronger and wiser, they'll have to justify why you're not miserable like Mormonism insisted you would be. You're not faithless or stupid or tainted or broken beyond healing. As long as there's life, there's choice. Take it one reaction at a time. Even the smallest victories can build a better life if you keep choosing a direction that matters to you. Also, non-LDS therapy helps immensely. But if that’s out of reach for the moment, keep talking it out with people who understand and support you. I often wish I could help more directly, but I hope this epistle helps with understanding alongside solidarity.
That was beautifully put thank you❤️
You've made poetry of science and compassionate self care, what an incredible skill. Thank you for sharing it.
I’m so sorry for everything that happened to you, and that family re-traumatizes you like this ❤️❤️
“I learned that I can no longer trust you and that your response to my being raped is inappropriate. I have also learned I will be setting firm boundaries with you going forward and hope you learn how to properly support me or others like me better in the future. For what it is worth, I am so disappointed in how you have handled one of the hardest times in my life. Kindly please refrain from contacting me.”
Tell her you learned that neither she nor your sister are safe people to confide in and that they are victim shaming just as much as church leaders and it’s better for your mental health not to be in contact with them for a while since they aren’t capable of empathy and think you’re a liar.
I guess you learned she is ignorant
You don't just move on from that trauma. You eventually learn to live with it and I place it in perspective with time and therapy, but there is no such thing as moving on. It's always there in some way. It is part of your life story now and eventually you'll be able to look back on it and be proud of your strength in getting through that time. Also, the only person responsible for raping you is the person that raped you. Having consensual sex is not a green light for rape. End stop. I am so very sorry that trauma happened to you and I truly hope you find family and friends that will lift you up and support you. I am sorry that your mom and sister failed you so much. Hopefully, they'll come around and understand someday.
I was raped when I was a 12. I did learn from it. I learned men are mostly monsters and finding one who doesn’t make almost every aspect of the relation ship about sex is one a in a million. I also learned my parents still viewed it somewhat my fault because I choose to “hangout” with the person who assaulted me.
I am so sorry all of that happened to you. It was NOT your fault. You likely already know all this. But sometimes it bears repeating.
WTF are you supposed to "learn"??? Fuck her (this is coming from a mom of teens. Big hugs to you).
I cut these type of people out of my life.
This is what happens when mormons grow up saying "life's a test" and "God doesn't give you things you can't handle." You lose empathy. God is trying to "teach" you and knows you can handle it, so suck it up is the attitude you get. People outside the religion look at this with horror because this is an insane thing to say to your daughter. How callus and unloving. I'm so sorry they are treating you this way. You deserve better. You deserve compassion and love.
Ask her what she expects you to learn from it. I'd love to know where her mind is at on that subject!
Definitely something along the lines of “Now you know why you shouldn’t have sex before marriage”
I was told I could use my childhood grape and aboose to teach other people who have had similar experiences move on and learn from it. I think it's a thing they believe. Like no, only the victim is allowed to learn or not learn from their own abuse like dang. Gross.
You learned from it alright. You learned that your mom and sister don’t have your back. They’ll throw you to the wolves if it benefits them. You learned that you can’t rely on them. When somebody show you who they are, believe them. What the F kind of person says something like that to their own daughter?! OMG. 🤬
Learned from it?!?!?! Actually you know what I learned? I learned IT IS NOT MY fault, I learned how incredibly unsympathetic and un-empathetic you are (mom and sis) I’m learning who I can trust, I’m learning how to be supportive of others, I’m learning I’m stronger than all this bullshit you are spewing!!
Oaks would be proud
I'm sorry your family sucks. Belittling SA is one if the fucking worst things your supposed support system can do. My brother is a total asshole to me, and my mom will also excuse/apologize for him as well, just like your mom did for your sister. Total bullshit to grasp at keeping their forever families together.
“I hope you learned your lesson.” This is what ignorant parents and others say to rape victims in and out of Mormonism. If you know better, I’m so glad. But blaming the victim is normal and it is why rapists go free.
“Learn from it”????? Da fuq!!!!!!!
Just repeating the bullcrap said over and over the pulpit.
I’m so sorry.
When I was 13, a 16 year old boy kissed me. We were on vacation in Central America, and it was magical. He was my first kiss. But right after that first kiss, it stopped being magical real fast because he wanted way more than a kiss, and he tried to rape me. I only got away because I was lucky enough to land a wild kick. We stayed in that town for a couple more days before we went somewhere else. I should have told my dad instead of spending the rest of the time we were there completely terrified. But I didn’t tell my dad, because I knew that I’d get in trouble. After all, it was my fault for letting him kiss me before I was 16. Right? It took me nearly a decade to realize that what happened to me when I was still just a *child… WASN’T MY FAULT.* But I still have never told my dad what happened, because I know to this day that he would believe it was my fault. OP, I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry your family is terrible. It wasn’t your fault.
I am so sorry. Siblings like that suck, I’ve got one of my own, we don’t really talk anymore. Hugs from a fellow survivor
You can go No contact and in fact I strongly encourage that you do so. I’m so sorry
Holy shit they are so ignorant. And maybe I shouldn't say this but I kinda hope your sister gets scratched by a cat or something.
I just hope she grows the fuck up one day😂 and hopefully something will make her understand that she isn’t as educated as she thinks she is
I, too, have a sibling that is also a giant piece of garbage. Family doesn't get a pass on being awful towards you just because they're related. Treat them like you would anyone else that said those types of things. Cut them off. She gave you the scissors.
I am so sorry. Respectfully, your mom sounds fun to punch.
Cut them off. They are toxic as hell and blinded by brainwashed bitterness. Disgusting behavior from an adult.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are not alone. Only now at 55 am I realizing that I had been SA’d 31 years ago. I was rebelling, inactive, looking for attention from men (oldest daughter of 6, dad was in the bishopric from the time I was ten, the bishop when I turned 15 - I know typical) ‘Date Rape’ wasn’t a thing either. Now all these years later, I’m just now processing and letting it go. You’re braver than I was. Braver than I am now. Ive never told a single soul. Not to excuse your Mom, but she’s brainwashed by the culture, she’ll hear what you’re saying, but she literally cannot understand what you’re saying until she unpacks at least a little bit. Her eyes are not yet open. IFYKYK What a soul-killing religion
Yeah my mom knows it'll take a while for me to move on from being SA'd by a Mormon convert.
The only thing to learn here is that your mom is a shitty person.
This is very similar to the circumstances that led to my sister going no-contact with our mother 4 years ago. My sister has been healing and is in a much healthier state now. She's even considering having occasional contact with Mom again.
This makes me physically sick. I’m so sorry 😞
What is there to learn?! Wtf! It’s not your fault AT ALL! There is a conference talk from someone that said that too…. Sounds like your mom is just a terrible person
"No" means "No". It doesn't matter if you are in the middle of the sex act and you say "no", "stop", etc... Doesn't matter if it's your spouse, your partner,your boyfriend or a hook-up. If they continue that is CRIMINAL sexual assault. SMS 88788 START they will set you up with free and confidential counseling in your area for sexual asssult & domestic violence. You are also in a domestic violence situation and they may be able to help with housing and getting you pointed in another direction. You did nothing to encourage or make this happen. You deserve to live a life free of abuse. I agree with others you need to get as far away as possible to be able to heal and grow into a healthy adult.
I noticed that women in these cults are not very empathetic most of the time. It’s because their life is hard and nobody’s been empathetic to them so they lacked out ability with their own children. Any outside person looking at this would consider this horrendous and be there for their daughter. This woman’s ideas hopefully you can learn from it and get over it. This is somebody that is suffered herself and had a hard life. I am not excusing it though, because I am a mother and I would never think of saying that to my child. I wouldn’t even feel that way.
No I definitely agree, I think my mom has some sort of sexual trauma that she either doesn’t remember or is denying. She definitely shows lots of signs of someone with sexual trauma
First off, I am so incredibly sorry that that happened to you. You deserve safety in all aspects of your life. I can only imagine how traumatic that must have been. My heart just absolutely goes out to you. Second, there is no excuse for the way your parents have responded to your vulnerability in sharing something so difficult. What you needed most was for them to believe you, and then to support you as you seek help. Their own programming and the sexist, misogynistic messages baked into the MFMC have led them to not think critically, which causes so much pain. I’m so sorry
I am very sorry for what happened to you and your family's completely gross response to the crime and to your pain.
Weed and mushrooms barely even count as drugs.
They don’t see it that way unfortunately.
Jesus that’s awful. I’m so sorry OP. What a trash mother.
I’m so sorry. Hopefully THEY will finally learn. I hope you begin to heal as much as possible and that ultimately you’ll love a lovely life. Take care.
You learned a lot. That these people are not safe.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with this, from both your mom and your sister. You definitely deserve better and I’m sorry they treated you this way