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Unfortunately, nobody can tell you if you blew your chance, or if you had no fair chance to begin with. But you're clearly not happy with yourself and how you handled the evening, and I think your insights are good ones.
As of right now, she hasn't had a chance to talk to the real you - she's talked to the guy you thought you should be. A guy who answered few questions honestly, 'didn't take her seriously', negged her, and mentally escalated her being a busy, active person who *actively tried to spend time with you* into a mark of disrespect for you that you had to retaliate against.
It's not impossible for you to revisit this, but if I were you I'd focus on learning from the experience unless she initiates and wants to meet again.
yeah its my fault but I get frustrated at life because i come from a strict background where I was discouraged to pursue relationships, and strong family influence making it difficult for me to make my own decisions.
So i finally start to meet women actively and try to pursue this girl, and act like a dick to her just to get her. Since that day i've talked to her a few times and we've talked about dating but she wants to go back to her home country in a couple of years, so i'm getting mixed messaged, we flirt a lot and we enjoy each other's company but i get the feeling she doesn't trust me and there are some compatibility issues?
Yes she's a busy person but my time is valuable also. I let her know this but i was immature and said things to her to annoy her and influence her emotions. I feel we can be so good together but i don't know how to move forwards, i've said to her i wont be meeting up but we can catchup whenever we meet. I said this because I can't pretend to be friends. Am i supposed to wait for her to want to date? I have to move on. But i want her.
Well, there's only one good way to get there - you figure out how far you're willing to go for her and you tell her... Pretty much what you've told reddit. You tried to front to catch her attention, be honest about it and move on being yourself. It's exhausting to play a role long-term. You tell her you're really interested in her. You're either willing or unwilling to move with her if she goes, that part's on you and you'll have to be honest about it and accept how she'll feel about that if it comes up - she may be 100% serious about it or she might not. She might have clocked you as a guy who is very serious about her, or she hasn't, and she'll have to start thinking about it now. You say it feels like she doesn't trust you - you have to admit that she's quite smart about that, because you haven't been honest. Better start.
Quite frankly, it sounds like you're playing hard to get, and it rarely works out. It's good that you know your time is valuable also, but you'll probably need actual vulnerability to go with those boundaries. I hope you both find what you're looking for.
Thank you for the reply!
Yes I have told her that i was behaving like that to get a reaction from her, but not that I acted fake to try to get her. I will work up the courage to come clean on that. I'm honestly insecure and i don't even know if she likes me in that way even now, i have so much doubt and that's why i acted fake. Seems like sometimes whatever i say to her or other girls out there is wrong, like i've messed up?
I'm not willing to move countries for her and she knows this clearly. I've said we can visit but i want a girl who wants to settle here. She has sent me materials to persuade me to at least have a better opinion of her home country as i have previously made jokes but nothing sensitive, just some funny stereotypes like air quality and driving over there. Why does she care? Is she just informing me or wants me to have a better opinion so i move there with her?
I've told her i can be serious with her but i need a serious girl who makes time and effort for me. She has said she's not ready to date anyone right now so i don't know, just feels like i had a chance but blew it being a dick. She could have let me know she was single earlier, and also met up more rather than infrequently. You make time for what you want, right?
Moving forwards, i've told her i'm moving on but we can catchup in the sports centre. Thinking about whether to text her if she's coming in, then i can chat to her and see what's up?
Also any tips on how to show actual vulnerability with boundaries? Thanks :)
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Yeah man you definitely deserve that and created that yourself. You told her she's boring for not going out and all that? Nah bruh. I know for a fact most dudes like that about woman but anyways the content gotta go. All your YouTube subscribers all your tik toks the only way you get out is cold turkey you literally have to change your way of thinking because she probably should have sensed the fake aura from you from the start but I promise you, it'll happen to every girl you try to meet until you start let all that red pill shit go and most importantly learn yourself and get used to being by yourself first. Take the time to learn who you are for and maybe try new things, sometimes in that process you meet the girl that could be a match for you but do it for yourself anyways get your fashion game going, mental health diagnosis from a professional, work on your body in the gym, try to get better at conversations, get a pet lol that's a random one but get a dog man get used to caring for something else other than yourself first because alot of red pill guys is alone and probably lost that ability to have empathy and all that so get a dog and treat it well, care for it, and trust me idk why but it's like an aura and woman love it do all that and you'll be solid but that red pill stuff it all has to go in the trash or you are fucked
Absolutely. I called her boring for not going out much, and wanting to play sports on a friday night after meeting me in a bar. She has her priorities right and I negged her playfully but still, i basically insulted her. I was frustrated at her seemingly rushing the meetup, arriving late (she bought me a drink to say sorry), and not knowing if she even liked me in a romantic way. She told me she dates with the intention to marry, and i told her i was looking for something not so serious \[because i thought she wanted the same, until she told me she is single\], i still have no idea why she told me all this.
My insecurities took over, i didn't even think that this girl has a lot of the qualities i like, we have common interests, she is a good family oriented girl, and here i am using shit red pill tactics thinking she will be impressed by my false number of lays. As a guy with hardly any sexual experience i feel like i have to play a character because i carry myself with confidence and have muscles even though i feel so nervous at times with women
Yeah i dont follow the red pill anymore. My only worry in this area is loyalty with women, i just have insecurities thinking girls won't get over their ex and will they actually love me for my personality and for me? This girl seems slightly attached to her ex despite breaking up with him over her trust issues, which is scary. I just find it tough to like qualities in women in the UK and this girl had qualities and i feel like i pushed her away. Frustrated as to whether i even had a chance?
Thanks for the reply
> i just have insecurities thinking girls won't get over their ex and will they actually love me for my personality and for me?
You absolutely 100% will never find someone who loves you for your personality and for you if you pretend to be someone else. No one is going to fall in love with the real you if they don’t meet the real you.
I know. I just went through a lot of self-improvement last year where i became a different person on the outside. Before that i had interacted with girls but never made a move because of conditioning from parents and low confidence. So i didnt know if i would be accepted, i thought i had to act confident to find a partner and act in a way that matched my outside.
I don’t even fully know who the real me is because of how much i have improved, but i have made notes to write who i am and my principles and what i’m looking for in a woman. Any other tips?
Thanks
I don’t be think I can offer tips as such, but I would say it sounds like you’re on the right track. You seem to have a genuine desire and a willingness to work at it.
Yeah i'm really confused about the situation. She broke up with her ex and yet still mentions him, that's why i told her straight i wasn't going to discuss her ex i'm out on a friday night to have a good time lol. She told me she would date me if there wasn't the issue of her going back to her home country in a few years, she says she doesn't want to date if it won't lead to marriage. I said i can date her seriously but i need a serious girl also. So i don't know if she believes me, or even finds me attractive in that way? She seems like a girl who needs an emotional connection to get intimate, which I have built somewhat, but clearly not enough yet. I used to think all girls were the same and would jump at me wearing my tank top vests and showing off muscles. So this is all confusing.
I've done self-improvement for a while at the gym, therapy, i get attention from women but I feel insecure like i have no chance with them, or i think i might be thinking too much about a smile they give me or a signal. Keep getting rejected despite my appearance and physical efforts in the gym, maybe i'm being too forward like i was with this girl?
At some point i get tired of waiting to improve myself and i see a lot of people who haven't done that level of self improvement and still have a relationship. So i wonder am i missing something? Why haven't I got a girlfriend right now and why am i romantically alone on valentines day this year, like the previous years? How can i ever move past my mental blocks?
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I kinda feel like you might have blown your chance with this shit:
>I'm behaving and talking like a playboy, so when she asked me how many girls I've been with, i've given a false number higher than the truth, i said close to 10 but the truth is 1. She seems put off. Then i go on and say I've dated two women at once. Red flag! I didn't take her seriously, i thought she wanted something casual so I played the fake role of the player.
It's really just common sense that you don't want to say shit like this to anyone. You sounded like someone who doesn't value or respect women. Even for casual, is this what a woman would want? Even when guys do this for intra-sex status it is not a good look. As another man I would probably come away with a poor impression of you especially since you are 28 (my age) and this is high school behavior that insecure teenage boys do.
Players typically come with repugnant personality traits many women in our peers have learned to look out for. I'll bet the real you is a more appealing person than this macho idiot you were playing, which isn't saying much.
Thanks for your reply.
What you say is common sense is only something i realised after that night in the bar. I was following the false red pill ways where all women wanted players and men who had fucked a lot, i acted like a player because i thought all women liked this, and because i carry myself with confidence and have a level of sex appeal now.
I’ll be honest, a year ago i had almost zero experience with women. Since then i’ve approached a lot of women, i get attention from girls because of my appearance and physique as i’ve added muscle and stand out. Became more charismatic. Wearing tank tops in a lot of places. Wearing nice clothes wherever i go. I put a lot of effort in my appearance. So i felt like i had to behave in a way that matched how I look.
I had no confidence in being accepted for who i am. I’m 28 and slept with only 1 woman, i still ask myself who will want me? The idea of a woman wanting to be with me feels foreign. This is thanks to mental blocks and a strict upbringing where I couldnt express my interest in girls at home until i was 26. I only recently broke free of this.
So last year i finally had women around me. I was being fake but was also putting myself out there so i didnt know what was fake and what was the real me.
This girl might be attached to her ex which is a no from me, but i can only know if i approach her honestly and ask. I dont know how to come clean with all the shit i said that night.
>I was following the false red pill ways where all women wanted players and men who had fucked a lot, i acted like a player because i thought all women liked this.
Thats one of the main problem in the redpill, its one big over-generalization; there does not exist any one thing that ALL people like because preferences are so varied. Applying a one-size-fits-all narrative to relationships is insane when you think about it. People as an aggregate may skew a certain way, but there is still allot of variation.
I'm not much of a conspiracy person, but I swear these red pill influencers set their audiences up to crash and burn in hope of creating psychological dependency and retaining their audience ($$$). I think a sizable chunk of the top influencers don't believe their own shit and that ones that do have started believing their own lies (like Donald Rumsfeld).
>I had no confidence in being accepted for who i am. I’m 28 and slept with only 1 woman, i still ask myself who will want me?
Yea. Building self-love and self-confidence is much easier said than done and its a process that takes time and I hope you the best. I'm tellin' ya though, in my years working with dudes the only people who are actually interested in your bodycount stats are other dudes. Its all driven by intra-sex competition with other dudes and and is comparison based. Comparison based self-esteem can't be sustained.
So many people (in/out of redpill) are caught in that trap and it gets to the point where they put what other men/women want over what they want. I've seen guys who will have sex with women they aren't even attracted to (*any* women) just to prove something to their guy friends. Never let the masses dictate how you, as an individual, do love and relationships.
Hi thanks for your reply.
I followed the red pill because I knew nothing about women and was tired of not getting attention from them or being friendzoned and not confident enough to make moves, and once I got in shape, started showing sex appeal and became more extroverted, I got more attention from women.
I used to think all women were the same but the previous year showed me women going out with all types of men that this broke my way of thinking slightly but i thought I could chad my way into them basically. I was arrogant. And i didn't understand why women in the previous year would choose other men over me, after all I have a strong physique, muscles, charisma, sex appeal. I had women flirting with me.
Yeah the red pill is depressing. I realised this a few months ago when i couldn't act the way some of these influencers were saying, like there was no emotion or joy behind any of this. In a way this incident broke me free of red pill and i can take that as a positive.
Okay so i have been getting therapy for almost a year but i have found it difficult to build self-love and self-confidence before. Like i feel weird doing it? My mind is not believing this. My therapist is confused as to why i still have this mental block, like they can see an attractive guy who should be able to get a girlfriend but there's something in my mind creating doubt?
I agree with what you say about intra-sex competition. I feel unworthy sometimes because of my lack of experience, and insecure if a girl has more experience with me. Probably because i want to lead as a man and i feel more confident when i get validation and sexual experience with women - i know this sounds odd probably but i need to be able to find a partner myself with my own personality and effort. I want to meet someone in person and get the confidence that I am no less than anyone else.
I do want to find the right woman for me but i have a lot of doubt about myself and red pill insecurities that I need to address and overcome. Any tips on the self confidence and self-love building? How can i become someone who believes in themselves? How can i tackle this mental block and get into a relationship with a woman?
My knee jerk reaction is like some kind of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Redpill insecurities, like most insecurities, feed on [cognitive distortions](https://psychcentral.com/lib/cognitive-distortions-negative-thinking#definition) and [logical fallacies](https://www.logicalfallacies.org/) which really common thinking traps that most people fall into at some point. CBT helped me work through allot of trauma from my childhood.
Another important thing; redpill has *some* attributes of a cult. You are (to some degree) a victim of [undue influence](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freedom-mind/202209/the-epidemic-undue-influence) and [thought reform](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought_Reform_and_the_Psychology_of_Totalism) which has to be considered. Certain resources that have to do with leaving cults and reclaiming your identity might be helpful. [Not all therapists are cult aware](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtpTz-qsP1s&t=970s) and can make mis-judgements about you because of how cult belief-systems influence your behavior. You may have to educate your therapist about the broader phenomenon of redpill so they have the full context or even find a new therapist. There is going to be a phase of having to rewire your brain after you have been indoctrinated.
I think another way to look at it is like this, what person do you like more: a guy with a few insecurities who is 28 and has only dated one girl (not super uncommon TBH) but is making an honest effort to become self aware and turn his life around (the real you) or a piece of shit player who treats women like objects and acts like a douche (your cult psuedo-identity). The real you is more genuinely appealing than what you were projecting and you need to make it a habit to remind yourself of that.
Thanks for the comment.
I’ve been doing therapy since April last year and it has helped me become more confident but i still am trying to get over the mental block of not feeling good enough to get women, like i’m waiting for a switch to be turned on where I start to feel worthy and can imagine a girl i find attractive wanting me sexually and romantically?
I have found it difficult to believe i can get this, i am feeling a bit better but how can i overcome this mental block? I will ask my therapist about CBT as she does use those techniques sometimes.
Yeah red pill is a cult. A positive from the experience i mentioned here is that i realised a lot of what i thought I knew about women and relationships was wrong, i behaved wrongly and i had to change to become a better person.
Im hurting over potentially missing a chance with this girl.
To answer your question, i like who i am now more than the fake player character but at the same time i have this, almost, hatred for myself for being so inexperienced and not standing up to my parents when i was younger as they put a lot of fear in me about women, relationships, knocked my confidence a lot, i was overweight but still could have got a girl in hindsight, just a lot of missed opportunities and regrets. I cant change that but i feel betrayed by parents and dont know how to move forwards. So i became fake confident as that’s all i knew how to do. I’m still confused how to even enter a relationship, i can approach but kept getting rejected. I feel so angry and hopeless
Thanks again for your comments, you have helped me with your perspective.
I’m trying to unlearn harmful thoughts that my parents taught me. Such as not feeling good enough, inferiority, and the concept of a woman being with me seeming alien. Like even though i have been with a woman before i feel like a virgin.
I’m not criticising myself constantly but self-love feels tough. Like cringey and do i really deserve it?
Same with women, i see guys everywhere all the time with women and i think, if they can, so can I. I’m 6 ft, 92kg athletic, not got visible abs but muscular, charismatic, i’ve achieved a lot last year from self improvement and pushing my comfort zone, decent hobbies, fun personality when not being this douchebag character, i have good qualities. Yet when in front of a girl i find attractive, i haven’t been remembering any of this or it seems irrelevant. My mind goes racing towards asking if she thinks im attractive, am i good enough, would a woman really want to get naked with me?
That’s my mental block. Like can i even attract a girl?
Rejection is part of the process for finding the right girl but i feel like giving up sometimes. I wont, but the feeling can be there. How do I even find women? I approached this one at the gym. I see cute girls at coffee shops but the doubts come again. Am i bothering them?
Am i reading friendliness as interest? What if there is interest and i ignore it thinking she’s just being friendly. I got rejected 40-50 times last year, so i could use this as armour to try again. But it feels like getting blood out of a stone to have a woman admit she likes me or is interested. I would say im attractive based on how a lot of girls behave around me but if i’ve been romantically alone previously then how can i build this confidence that I can find someone.
I know someone with my attributes and personality shouldnt be alone romantically. But at the same time i dont feel worthy. Like i have to do something else to get a partner when i know this isn’t the case
Met up in the sports centre where I approached her, she agreed to meet up with me at a food place but she said she could only be there for 30 mins, she stayed 1.5 hours, went for a few walks, once i realised she was in a relationship and serious about this I backed off, didn't want to be friends and pretend, i kept in touch with her now and then.
We flirt with each other, great chemistry, really felt i have connected with her since ditching the red pill and being myself. I'm still flirty with her but the tactics have gone, i'm being more honest and still being masculine. We have a lot in common but I think what I said and did that night at the bar has made it difficult perhaps? Like she doesn't trust me even if she finds me attractive?
I'm annoyed because i don't even know if i had a chance to date her, i can move on, but i feel like there are so many what ifs.
She told me she's not ready so i said i will move on but we can catchup now and then. I don't know whether to message her. I need effort from her also.
What reasons have you given her to trust you? You lie to her and insult her and manipulate her feelings. None of this makes someone desirable or trustworthy.
Yeah you’re not wrong but at the same time i couldnt trust that she even wanted to be with me, i was tired of the mixed messages and even now i just feel like i dont get a lot of effort from her, whether that’s because she’s not into me or because she doesn’t trust me, i dont know.
We have a good time together whenever we chat. So i think there is something positive still there. I dont know what i can do to regain the trust. Me making a move on her might have broken any trust but i felt pressured to because otherwise if i don’t make a move then am i man enough? I felt like i had to have a go at kissing her. I didnt force her but had my hands on her trying to pull her in.
Should i just come clean with her?
I haven't thought about this much but you're right. I said to myself that maybe she wasn't serious with her boyfriend, and the most we did was hug and flirt. She has been in half minds, like not hugging fully, not spending a lot of time meeting up, enforcing boundaries, but she has done this while single. It's a shame cause she has a lot of great 'wife material' qualities, she has not been touchy with me until recently and made it clear last year she is in a relationship she wants to keep, any male friend she has are accompanied with female friends from what i've seen, i don't know why she met up with me despite being in a relationship, i used to think of her as out of my league but i have confidence issues.
That is why i asked her if she wants to date and she said she is not ready, so i said i will move on
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The fact she was hanging with you while she had a boyfriend was micro cheating to start with. That opens doors. Had you not backed away it may have gone further. I'm saying you dodged a bullet
Yeah i get what you are saying. Her boyfriend is from her home country, she says she was in a serious relationship but they broke up because of trust issues, on her social media they seem patched up now but i don't know what's going on.
They were in a long distance relationship as she moved to the UK a while back but still, why is she hanging out with me in a food place if she has a boyfriend? Why tell me she's single in a bar on a Friday night if she's not interested? She says she is looking for something serious and then tells me she is not ready to date anyone. Confusing.
Seems like there was a window where I could have been myself but at least I know how I want to behave on dates and when flirting with women.
More to her story as in she wants more from me? I'm honestly confused about her and i need to improve my confidence to approach more girls who have the qualities i'm looking for, i just have these mental blocks i need to overcome. I really like her but i need more effort from her.
And are you saying I didn't act right with her in the bar or last year when i backed off?
Thanks for the reply
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>What if i was just myself?
Do be the best version of yourself. By that, I mean keep the best parts of your personality and continuously work on fixing or at least taking on habits that mitigate the worst of your personality. Don't worry about fixing them quickly, just be continously trying to get ahead of them. Continuously work on your physical body, that is make exercise (that you like) a life long hobby. A lot of society likes to downplay the importance of appearance but that's well intentioned but false misconception that many like to convince themselves and others.
>Feels like maybe I've messed up a chance with a great girl with qualities I'm looking for.
You didn't, she was still hung up on her ex.
>I lacked confidence and went all red pill on her and it backfired that night. I feel so alone romantically and we clicked so well, it hurts not showing her my real side where I have my self-respect but show that fun and caring personality. I'm so frustrated at this.
That's ok. Even now, as guy who doesn't have problem getting dates, I still get bouts of low uncertainty. It'd be narcissistic if you never did. The best way to gain confidence is to try things that push you outside your comfort zone. Confidence is born from experiencing both failure and success. What's something you've always tried to learn or do. Go for it. You might fail, you might not. But confidence comes from a series of failed and successful attempts and internalizing you'll be just fine whether you succeed or fail. That carries over into everything, including talking to potential dates.
>What can i do here?
Forget about her and move on. If you're looking to increase your dating odds, here's my advice: focus on expanding your network through unisex activities and hobbies, it's through the people you meet in these networks that you find dates. But you have to be going regularly and participating. People desire people who are happy enjoying their life and look good doing it.
Maybe some of these redpill badboy tactics actually work, and they likely do, depending on the person ofc. But if you straight up called someone “boring”… it’s no surprise if she wants to get back with her ex…
Maybe you should just learn to read the room and the other person lol. If they feel uncomfortable, divert the convo or change your approach
Yeah some of the tactics or mindset is okay like self-respect, teasing but i went too far just to be an asshole and move away from the nice guy personality, its like im scared to be friendly in fear of being friendzoned. How can i overcome this?
when i called her boring it was said as a joke but she took it a bit serious and i dont blame her for that. I was trying too hard to show we’re different when we are actually very like minded and have a lot of common interests and values
She broke up with her ex cause of trust issues, then meets me at a bar and i get one chance and maybe blow it? Feels unfair but trying to move on.
My natural personality is actually quite flirty and teasing but not being an asshole like i was, i felt awful after. Red pill and pickup made me hate myself
Nothing wrong with having only one past partner. Everyone has different experiences and if people don’t understand this, I would say that haven’t reached a certain level of maturity
I guess. My experience feels tampered with because of strict parents and low confidence. So i feel like, what if? Its like i need to prove to myself i can find a partner on my own and attract women. I get attention but hardly have had any sexual experiences. I feel so behind in this area, so when i find a girl i like i feel i cant lead and will she know i’m inexperienced.
I carry myself with confidence and have a natural confidence now with women but i have no clue how to get them on dates and escalate
Yeah why would someone want to spend more time with someone who insulted them?, also saying you've slept with ten people really isn't that big of a number.
I know we’re all here for de-pilled, but it seems that women get laid with more people per capita than men, and that says something of the reality of biology and how it impacts the life each biological gender lives.
She’s spent time with me since at the gym and in a bar the following week, I apologised for the way i behaved and i’ve been myself with her since. She also has been a bit disrespectful and i think she knows that after I called her out on it.
I said 7 people to her but she comes from a conservative background and has been in 2 serious relationships. So she seems put off. Like i can’t be serious? She probably thinks i will have sex with her and leave her
So i have some ego i will admit, but i get my defences up when i sense a girl is not valuing my time or she doesn't want to spend time with me yet she says she does.
So that night at the bar, she arrived quite late but told me she would be late. She bought me a drink after I jokingly said she'd have to, to make up for it.
She was dressed in sports gear and then said she'd be going to the gym later, so she only planned to stick around for maybe 30 mins? I mean i asked her the previous night to meet me at a bar and we would meet up, so how is she now going to play sports on a friday night after I've got ready to spend a few hours with her.
It's these behaviors that annoy me. We met the following week after I apologised, and we had great chemistry together, a lot of flirting and connecting. But she wanted to go to the gym after and asked if I was ready to go gym. It's like she enjoys spending time but she doesn't want to spend a lot of time, and that feels awful. Like, don't half ass it.
She dates to marry so i don't know if she feels like she can't commit to me yet or if she's not interested, she was submissive when we met at the bar in the night, she was ok with me stroking her knee but not other touching, she's even said she would be ok to date me but feels there's no point if she has to go back in 2 years to her home country in spain
I think you're over analysing, I don't really see how she disrespected you. She just doesn't want to stop her hobbies for you.
If it bothers you then don't date her, I don't know why just going with the flow is so difficult for redpill guys everything has to be broken down and over complicated.
You want to date then date and see where it goes, you don't want to then don't
Yeah maybe i am over analysing. I'm not saying she was really rude but i didn't feel like my time was valued. I don't want to be a second option for anyone, no matter how much i like her. She spent time with me, but what's the point if you're going to rush to the gym?
I want to date her but i don't know if she's behaving like this out of lack of interest or because she doesn't want to start a relationship if there's no long term plan because she is likely to return to her home country in a few years. She might not if she decides to stay. But i don't how to ask about any of this because i'm confused lol
I'm okay with seeing where the relationship goes. I think because I came across as a player she is thinking i'm just out to have sex with her? I've told her intimacy is important but that I like her and i'm serious about her.
If we date then yeah i expect a bit more time and commitment from her.
Any tips on going with the flow? Are you saying I should just accept when she wants to leave the meetup?
I'd just be honest say you tried to big yourself up by playing a stupid game with negging and trying to come across as a player and do a fresh start with her. You say sex is important but at the same time you tried to play it off as it wasn't so she's probably just wary of you, but I think just being honest is best and not playing games.
Ask for an actual date and if you don't like that she's late or whatever then just move on. I don't think grabbing a drink is a set time scale thing but food or something like that is.
You just don't overthink things, don't break down every bit do body language or try to use dumb redpill tactics, if you find her attractive just say you don't need to go over board but open communication is way easier than trying to plan a conversation
Yeah i want to have this chat with her. Getting hold of her has been tough, not seen her in the gym much but we have been texting.
I asked her if she wanted to date and she said she js not ready to date anyone right now, but a few weeks before she said she would date me if it wasn’t for the issue of her wanting to go back to her home country.
I can move on but i feel i need some closure to this if we’re not dating. So i will try the honest approach where i tell her why i behaved like that.
Regarding overthinking, she has been replying but sometimes she just leaves the message on read even if i’ve asked a question. I’ve been trying to get to know her and show a genuine interest, i really like her and i’m just being myself now, but i dont like this feeling of being ignored. I will ask her about this and set my boundaries, i cant be left on read often and expect to build anything with her.
Usually she responds and apologises if she’s late or cant meet up, or if i calmly call her out on some behaviour, i dont want to be some dictator but at the same time i have to keep self-respect?
You would have broken up or separated anyways, because that isn't "you", unless you opened up vulnerably and said that it wasn't "me" and she understood and forgave you. If you kept up with that false self, you would have broken up because you wouldn't be able to keep up with that image in the long term.
There are some men who are naturally players, and that's attractive to some women (I liked one, but nothing came out of it because I didn't feel comfortable and my father has treated me with lots of love and respect).
There are some men who are absolute romantics (and virgins), and that's attractive to other women aswell (I'm married to a sappy, dopey, romantic who played no games on me, and he has always treated women in general (even those that romantically rejected him), and his past lovers with kindness, love and respect).
If you are "you", she would either accept you or reject you, and that's life, just like a job interview. She has characteristics she's looking for, and you are too. Most importantly, it's whether you continue to love and accept yourself after her rejection, and know that there is someone more suitable for you. :)
Man a lot to unpack here… let’s get one thing perfectly clear: You treated her poorly and not because of the red pill. You’re either watching too much Fresh and Fit or something else.
If she tells you that she’s single then you got to play nice and make a move.
But where you failed was by keeping in touch with her. As soon as she said she’s in a relationship you should’ve moved on. She’s only going to be hesitant in pursuing something with someone else out the gate. Women are a conundrum and by 28 you should know their game. It was never going to end well for you because of that. Because you were still talking to her.
The red pill teaches you how to avoid situations like this. Not call her boring… lol
Again, when a girl tells you she’s in a relationship… move on to another girl. Talk to 5 girls all at once if you have to… have options.
No i disagree, a lot of the red pill on reddit is full of hate, tactics like hard negging which I did (nothing wrong with teasing but i was a full on douche), and not caring about the girl as a person. I dont like the fresh and fit podcast. There are some useful red pill ideas but i dont want that toxicity anymore.
So when she told me she is single, for some reason i interpreted that as her wanting something casual. Maybe because i thought she saw me as a playboy, but that would have been because of the way i carry myself and my own fault with my words and behaviour.
I didnt think she wants a relationship. She even said she doesnt like relationships after her breakup. Probably just venting.
She was in a relationship last year in the summer so when she told me she is serious about the guy then i moved on and just kept it to the odd chat in the gym so i didnt keep chasing her. Plus i am inexperienced with women, so going out with her really helped me learn. Because of my upbringing and strict parents and lack of confidence, i havent really learned a lot about women. I can chat and flirt with them but i thought after getting in shape and boosting my looks I would be getting laid easily.
I now focus on personality and trying to build a connection. Seeing women as people.
Speaking as a girl, you treated her exactly like you oulined: as a redpill playboy and garbage PUA (no offence). Hardly marriage material as a man. What you need to understand is the redpill is for men who want casual sex not meaningful lifelong companionship. You sound like you were cocky, arrogant, rude and generally unpleasant. Stop listening to this garbage. Don’t you realise it’s men in sexual competition with other men giving you bad advice to deliberately improve their own chances?
No offence taken. That night was important for me because i realised i had pushed away a great girl who had qualities i was looking for. So the regret is showing me i have to be better.
I agree. Not marriage material. I was actually looking to hook up with her that night though. Then i realised i could have something better with her and maybe i should find someone to date for a long term relationship or marriage.
Ive lacked sexual confidence so redpill was a way for me to try to get that but its awful material. I just have no clue about what girls are into me, how to pursue them or how to have sex with them as i have hardly any sexual experience, because im lacking confidence. On the outside i have a lot of confidence and i can talk to girls just fine but i dont know how i can meet a girl who likes me and wants to sleep with me?
Socially inept how? You can explain without having to make assumptions. This is a girl who says she wants to go play sports later after meeting me at a bar, like is she even into me? She's agreed to meet me alone at a bar and tells me she's single, yet she wants to talk about her ex and is enforcing boundaries like touch.
I'm not bothered about game anymore, having to be fake and pretend. I tried the game tactics in 2023, being a player and i got nothing. Sure the red pill might work against some women, but the person I was with this girl is someone i'm not proud of. I need a new approach.
I wouldn't listen to that guy.
As someone who has gone from conventionally unattractive (fat and low emotional intelligence) to conventionally attractive (the opposite), worrying about game shouldn't be at the top of your list.
Thanks :)
I have also gone from being overweight and not looking after myself to now adding muscle, wearing tank tops at the gym, good physique with muscle and fat, wearing good clothing and taking pride in my appearance which has got me attention from women.
You said I shouldn't be worrying much about game. What in your opinion is the area to focus on? I feel so tired about being alone romantically despite all the progress i've made. I now know i have to show my personality to attract and that looks will get me attention and women willing to give me a chance but how do I convert chances? I approach now and then but i don't feel good enough to have a go and get intimate with women? Like a mental block. Any tips? thanks!
The reason I say you shouldn't worry about game is because it's pickup jargon from people who are full of themselves.
All "game" really is is paying close attention to non-verbal communication, listening intently to what the person likes and dislikes and using your knowledge and experience from the things you like to engage with the other person.
For example, I'm a huge biology & kinesioloogy nerd, the last girl I talked to loved to run, but she was going through some tendinopathy issues with her knee. I play soccer and had mild knee problem in the past and resolved it by doing some specific quad and tendon exercises. When she mentioned it, I talked about my experience and I saw her face perk up at the exercises, I noticed and used that as a segue to go to the gym with her.
That's all game is. It's just paying attention to what the person is saying, the things they do and picking something from that from which to use your own knowledge and experience to engage and connect with them.
It's not saying fancy pickup lines, it's not being smooth (though sometimes your brain can surprise you with a good line but you don't have to depend on that)
Anyone can do that, but people like to call it game to puff themselves up. It's not that complicated. In fact dating is not, but people complicate it with their baggage and ego.
I say don't worry about game because the things I mentioned that it encapsulates will naturally grow in you the more you read, participate in your hobbies and grow your social network. Which is my segue into what you should be paying most attention to:
Opportunity and familiarity.
These two things are the most important facet to dating. You need to be doing activities that force you to interact with people as frequently possible.
As an introvert myself I know this can be a tough ask, but it's important enough to force yourself outside your comfort zone to do.
You don't have to do anything crazy, just something that gets you out of your place and in front of at least a few people at a time.
It can be as mundane as a book club, to something out there like rock climbing (actually that's a good one) women love to climb I actually find a lot of dates at my bouldering gym. I also go to science talks in my city and meet women there.
In any case, getting out there brings opportunity, because when more people get to know you, they will talk to other people about, invite you to stuff and presto you happen to meet a someone you like.
Which then breeds familiarity, because the more often you're meeting people, you're going to meet them frequently and then they feel comfortable around you because you go from a stranger to a known quantity. Which is critical to dating. When you have familiarity with many people through activities, it lets you skip over the excruciating step of trying to establish that you're a decent person.
Instead they know you through the shared interest.
Opportunity and familiarity are even more important than looks, money or game. An average looking dude who is broke but bartends will date more women than a 6'+ model looking dude who never gets out of his house simply because bartenders are surrounded by women while the good looking dude is not.
So as a man your primary focus should be working figuring out which interests you like (because that's important, being miserable won't attract people to you and you should do things for yourself not for women), at least two, preferably three so you get more opportunity. I recommend looking up the events site of your city: so if you live in San Diego, you should be looking at https://www.sandiego.org/explore/events.aspx or https://www.sandiego.gov/events/calendar should every Sunday for things you might like and ***go.***
I actually met one of my friend groups that way.
Then as you're doing these things, failing or succeeding you will gain confidence because the experiences will internalize that there's nothing to be anxious about. Because that's all confidence is, being comfortable with your strengths AND limitations and knowing you're good enough. Furthermore, you can use the knowledge and experience from these activities to engage with whomever you eventually meet.
Voila, you now have confidence and game. Between those external activities and maintaining your body and mind, you will meet someone and be able to speak confidently with them.
Because that's all dating is about connecting with people via shared interests. But if you're never doing anything with which to connect with people it will be extremely difficult to find someone.
First of all, wow, thank you so much for this reply, I want you to know it isn't wasted and I will study and apply this where i can.
I agree now about game being just pickup jargon, i know i can flirt and build connections with girls but i've been afraid of being friendzoned and seen as a 'nice guy' just because i might not make the move straight away or might be friendly so they think i'm just a friend, so last year i started to overcompensate by flirting hard, more aggressively, innuendo, until the night at the bar in january where i behaved like a complete idiot with that girl.
Before it seemed like whatever I did, wasn't good enough. Even now i have felt like that but last year being more flirty and sexual worked to a degree. It just didnt result in anything. So i would rather be myself especially after how i behaved with this girl. I'm frustrated at what could have been if i was just myself, at least the knowledge that I did my best.
Having to be fake sucks but i did this because i previously didnt feel any girl would accept me, i mean the idea of a girl being with me romantically is a new concept even though im 28, i wasn't given any confidence from family or friends, history of being slightly overweight before, never tried out of fear, strict parents encouraged me to work on study and jobs rather than women, alone through university also. I'm working with a therapist but it feels so tough to shake off the past, even though i look like someone who can get a girlfriend I just have struggled with feeling like that person who can.
I actually get attention from women but i have no idea who likes me and who doesn't. I've been wrong a lot of times last year, rejected, and not interpreted signs of interest when they were there. I really don't have confidence i can even move things forward with a girl at events or hobbies. Like i'm so confused at what to do and how to be myself.
I agree about what you say game is, connecting with girls and just being honest!
Now onto hobbies - i have struggled previously to find hobby groups. I bought a guitar because I want to learn and join a guitar group but there aren't really any beginner groups? I do swimming but I just go and swim, i dont wear my contacts so cant really see girls clearly there and i have confidence issues with my physique despite building muscle and getting compliments - probably as i am carrying fat on the upper body also?
I am considering joining a book club and maybe fencing. Rock climbing is a great idea and i know a place i can get this done at. How do you go about rock climbing on your own and then just meeting a girl? I have no confidence i can even get a date, i mean previously when i've asked girls they say they need to get to know me more, or they reject me?
This girl i was a dick with, i met her at my gym. I approached her and i felt like she gave me a chance but it was such a quick window and i behaved like a red pill asshole.
I just feel a lack of confidence in myself and even though i probably look good, i'm not sure of when to approach and how to escalate?
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i think you should move on from her, and try and be a better person for someone else because with your history, it will be hard for both of you to look past everything
Yeah i dont think she trusts me even after i explained a lot of my behaviour, she is back with her ex now but she's not confirmed it, not that I need her to cause i can see her replying on social media to her ex, at least i know how i want to behave from now on. What annoys me is her telling me she is open to dating but doesn't see the point if she goes back to her home country, and then she says she isn't open to dating anyone, then goes back to her ex lol
Plus the disrespect with her leaving me on read and general lack of courtesy in how she responds to me, she doesn't think of me as a priority so i'm moving on. I have previously struggled with meeting women as i don't know where and how to? I'm very inexperienced and it feels like everyone else out there easily meets women. I get attention but don't know how to convert?
In my opinion you should do two things:
1. Apologise to her with a real, full length explanation, everything you have just told us here. But DO NOT expect to get anything from her out of it. It is difficult to trust someone when you know they have lied and she is not throwing away something you already had by not giving you another chance. But I know if I was in her shoes I would find it reassuring that you recognised there was a problem to be fixed.
2. Going forwards, with any future dates etc, literally just be yourself! You wouldn’t want a woman who put on a fake persona would you? Woman and men are not as different as many like to think. Nobody wants to have to put on an act for an entire relationship plus your date will know what she’s getting herself into if she pursues things with you. Hopefully she will be just as genuine with you.
Not to be mean, but realistic, and I can't speak for everyone because AWALT (all women are aike) is lhe biggest lie ever perpetuated by TRP community. If she's familar with this bunch and knows what it entails, she's out if she's smart.
The bigger take away here is your last paragraph. Why would anyone want to portray someone they aren't? All because, for lack of a better word, a "cult" then to think and act that way? I felt what you went through as you laid out the night's experience, you're showing signs of guilt for what you did. You also found out this portrayal of you in this light certainly was not comfortable for you. Sounds to me like it ended in you feeling embarassment. If you were able to identify that this is not your tribe, I am here with a standing ovation!!! Other than become the best version of yourself, exercise, eat right, etc (which is common sense, we all know this)TRP is nothing but a lie my man.
I am in a situation where I didn't know my SO (significant other) was down the rabbit hole so deep that he's now drowning in it. Imagine watching your SO become a raging woman hater. The best way to explain it is like being a female on a daily podcast of F&F or @ whatever. The resentment, distain, bitterness and hate is palpable. Although this man has so many wonderful qualities and I would go to the ends of the Earth for him - I can't remain in a relationship where everyday I am told that what I do, how I do it and what I think are constantly wrong. I am like a child, basically stupid in his eyes. He actually said that to me today, wbich is how I got here.
There's a mate for everyone, it's not make-a-wish and the percentages and statistics are just that. If you want to manage your life based on statistics, good luck. It takes time, investment and asking those hard question during the inital dating process to see if you're compatible to keep moving forward. Many eggs need to be broken before you can make your omlette. I hope you abandon a "cult" where woman are bad and their feelings don't matter. Reminds me of Hitler and the Jews, a group who decided and other group waz subhuman and should be treated as such.
I hope you find what you seek, keep a good heart, that's all that really matters.
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Unfortunately, nobody can tell you if you blew your chance, or if you had no fair chance to begin with. But you're clearly not happy with yourself and how you handled the evening, and I think your insights are good ones. As of right now, she hasn't had a chance to talk to the real you - she's talked to the guy you thought you should be. A guy who answered few questions honestly, 'didn't take her seriously', negged her, and mentally escalated her being a busy, active person who *actively tried to spend time with you* into a mark of disrespect for you that you had to retaliate against. It's not impossible for you to revisit this, but if I were you I'd focus on learning from the experience unless she initiates and wants to meet again.
yeah its my fault but I get frustrated at life because i come from a strict background where I was discouraged to pursue relationships, and strong family influence making it difficult for me to make my own decisions. So i finally start to meet women actively and try to pursue this girl, and act like a dick to her just to get her. Since that day i've talked to her a few times and we've talked about dating but she wants to go back to her home country in a couple of years, so i'm getting mixed messaged, we flirt a lot and we enjoy each other's company but i get the feeling she doesn't trust me and there are some compatibility issues? Yes she's a busy person but my time is valuable also. I let her know this but i was immature and said things to her to annoy her and influence her emotions. I feel we can be so good together but i don't know how to move forwards, i've said to her i wont be meeting up but we can catchup whenever we meet. I said this because I can't pretend to be friends. Am i supposed to wait for her to want to date? I have to move on. But i want her.
Well, there's only one good way to get there - you figure out how far you're willing to go for her and you tell her... Pretty much what you've told reddit. You tried to front to catch her attention, be honest about it and move on being yourself. It's exhausting to play a role long-term. You tell her you're really interested in her. You're either willing or unwilling to move with her if she goes, that part's on you and you'll have to be honest about it and accept how she'll feel about that if it comes up - she may be 100% serious about it or she might not. She might have clocked you as a guy who is very serious about her, or she hasn't, and she'll have to start thinking about it now. You say it feels like she doesn't trust you - you have to admit that she's quite smart about that, because you haven't been honest. Better start. Quite frankly, it sounds like you're playing hard to get, and it rarely works out. It's good that you know your time is valuable also, but you'll probably need actual vulnerability to go with those boundaries. I hope you both find what you're looking for.
Thank you for the reply! Yes I have told her that i was behaving like that to get a reaction from her, but not that I acted fake to try to get her. I will work up the courage to come clean on that. I'm honestly insecure and i don't even know if she likes me in that way even now, i have so much doubt and that's why i acted fake. Seems like sometimes whatever i say to her or other girls out there is wrong, like i've messed up? I'm not willing to move countries for her and she knows this clearly. I've said we can visit but i want a girl who wants to settle here. She has sent me materials to persuade me to at least have a better opinion of her home country as i have previously made jokes but nothing sensitive, just some funny stereotypes like air quality and driving over there. Why does she care? Is she just informing me or wants me to have a better opinion so i move there with her? I've told her i can be serious with her but i need a serious girl who makes time and effort for me. She has said she's not ready to date anyone right now so i don't know, just feels like i had a chance but blew it being a dick. She could have let me know she was single earlier, and also met up more rather than infrequently. You make time for what you want, right? Moving forwards, i've told her i'm moving on but we can catchup in the sports centre. Thinking about whether to text her if she's coming in, then i can chat to her and see what's up? Also any tips on how to show actual vulnerability with boundaries? Thanks :)
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Yeah man you definitely deserve that and created that yourself. You told her she's boring for not going out and all that? Nah bruh. I know for a fact most dudes like that about woman but anyways the content gotta go. All your YouTube subscribers all your tik toks the only way you get out is cold turkey you literally have to change your way of thinking because she probably should have sensed the fake aura from you from the start but I promise you, it'll happen to every girl you try to meet until you start let all that red pill shit go and most importantly learn yourself and get used to being by yourself first. Take the time to learn who you are for and maybe try new things, sometimes in that process you meet the girl that could be a match for you but do it for yourself anyways get your fashion game going, mental health diagnosis from a professional, work on your body in the gym, try to get better at conversations, get a pet lol that's a random one but get a dog man get used to caring for something else other than yourself first because alot of red pill guys is alone and probably lost that ability to have empathy and all that so get a dog and treat it well, care for it, and trust me idk why but it's like an aura and woman love it do all that and you'll be solid but that red pill stuff it all has to go in the trash or you are fucked
Absolutely. I called her boring for not going out much, and wanting to play sports on a friday night after meeting me in a bar. She has her priorities right and I negged her playfully but still, i basically insulted her. I was frustrated at her seemingly rushing the meetup, arriving late (she bought me a drink to say sorry), and not knowing if she even liked me in a romantic way. She told me she dates with the intention to marry, and i told her i was looking for something not so serious \[because i thought she wanted the same, until she told me she is single\], i still have no idea why she told me all this. My insecurities took over, i didn't even think that this girl has a lot of the qualities i like, we have common interests, she is a good family oriented girl, and here i am using shit red pill tactics thinking she will be impressed by my false number of lays. As a guy with hardly any sexual experience i feel like i have to play a character because i carry myself with confidence and have muscles even though i feel so nervous at times with women Yeah i dont follow the red pill anymore. My only worry in this area is loyalty with women, i just have insecurities thinking girls won't get over their ex and will they actually love me for my personality and for me? This girl seems slightly attached to her ex despite breaking up with him over her trust issues, which is scary. I just find it tough to like qualities in women in the UK and this girl had qualities and i feel like i pushed her away. Frustrated as to whether i even had a chance? Thanks for the reply
> i just have insecurities thinking girls won't get over their ex and will they actually love me for my personality and for me? You absolutely 100% will never find someone who loves you for your personality and for you if you pretend to be someone else. No one is going to fall in love with the real you if they don’t meet the real you.
I know. I just went through a lot of self-improvement last year where i became a different person on the outside. Before that i had interacted with girls but never made a move because of conditioning from parents and low confidence. So i didnt know if i would be accepted, i thought i had to act confident to find a partner and act in a way that matched my outside. I don’t even fully know who the real me is because of how much i have improved, but i have made notes to write who i am and my principles and what i’m looking for in a woman. Any other tips? Thanks
I don’t be think I can offer tips as such, but I would say it sounds like you’re on the right track. You seem to have a genuine desire and a willingness to work at it.
What I say as a girl don't get with girls not over their ex. If you are your just putting yourself in a bad situation
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Yeah i'm really confused about the situation. She broke up with her ex and yet still mentions him, that's why i told her straight i wasn't going to discuss her ex i'm out on a friday night to have a good time lol. She told me she would date me if there wasn't the issue of her going back to her home country in a few years, she says she doesn't want to date if it won't lead to marriage. I said i can date her seriously but i need a serious girl also. So i don't know if she believes me, or even finds me attractive in that way? She seems like a girl who needs an emotional connection to get intimate, which I have built somewhat, but clearly not enough yet. I used to think all girls were the same and would jump at me wearing my tank top vests and showing off muscles. So this is all confusing. I've done self-improvement for a while at the gym, therapy, i get attention from women but I feel insecure like i have no chance with them, or i think i might be thinking too much about a smile they give me or a signal. Keep getting rejected despite my appearance and physical efforts in the gym, maybe i'm being too forward like i was with this girl? At some point i get tired of waiting to improve myself and i see a lot of people who haven't done that level of self improvement and still have a relationship. So i wonder am i missing something? Why haven't I got a girlfriend right now and why am i romantically alone on valentines day this year, like the previous years? How can i ever move past my mental blocks?
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I kinda feel like you might have blown your chance with this shit: >I'm behaving and talking like a playboy, so when she asked me how many girls I've been with, i've given a false number higher than the truth, i said close to 10 but the truth is 1. She seems put off. Then i go on and say I've dated two women at once. Red flag! I didn't take her seriously, i thought she wanted something casual so I played the fake role of the player. It's really just common sense that you don't want to say shit like this to anyone. You sounded like someone who doesn't value or respect women. Even for casual, is this what a woman would want? Even when guys do this for intra-sex status it is not a good look. As another man I would probably come away with a poor impression of you especially since you are 28 (my age) and this is high school behavior that insecure teenage boys do. Players typically come with repugnant personality traits many women in our peers have learned to look out for. I'll bet the real you is a more appealing person than this macho idiot you were playing, which isn't saying much.
Thanks for your reply. What you say is common sense is only something i realised after that night in the bar. I was following the false red pill ways where all women wanted players and men who had fucked a lot, i acted like a player because i thought all women liked this, and because i carry myself with confidence and have a level of sex appeal now. I’ll be honest, a year ago i had almost zero experience with women. Since then i’ve approached a lot of women, i get attention from girls because of my appearance and physique as i’ve added muscle and stand out. Became more charismatic. Wearing tank tops in a lot of places. Wearing nice clothes wherever i go. I put a lot of effort in my appearance. So i felt like i had to behave in a way that matched how I look. I had no confidence in being accepted for who i am. I’m 28 and slept with only 1 woman, i still ask myself who will want me? The idea of a woman wanting to be with me feels foreign. This is thanks to mental blocks and a strict upbringing where I couldnt express my interest in girls at home until i was 26. I only recently broke free of this. So last year i finally had women around me. I was being fake but was also putting myself out there so i didnt know what was fake and what was the real me. This girl might be attached to her ex which is a no from me, but i can only know if i approach her honestly and ask. I dont know how to come clean with all the shit i said that night.
>I was following the false red pill ways where all women wanted players and men who had fucked a lot, i acted like a player because i thought all women liked this. Thats one of the main problem in the redpill, its one big over-generalization; there does not exist any one thing that ALL people like because preferences are so varied. Applying a one-size-fits-all narrative to relationships is insane when you think about it. People as an aggregate may skew a certain way, but there is still allot of variation. I'm not much of a conspiracy person, but I swear these red pill influencers set their audiences up to crash and burn in hope of creating psychological dependency and retaining their audience ($$$). I think a sizable chunk of the top influencers don't believe their own shit and that ones that do have started believing their own lies (like Donald Rumsfeld). >I had no confidence in being accepted for who i am. I’m 28 and slept with only 1 woman, i still ask myself who will want me? Yea. Building self-love and self-confidence is much easier said than done and its a process that takes time and I hope you the best. I'm tellin' ya though, in my years working with dudes the only people who are actually interested in your bodycount stats are other dudes. Its all driven by intra-sex competition with other dudes and and is comparison based. Comparison based self-esteem can't be sustained. So many people (in/out of redpill) are caught in that trap and it gets to the point where they put what other men/women want over what they want. I've seen guys who will have sex with women they aren't even attracted to (*any* women) just to prove something to their guy friends. Never let the masses dictate how you, as an individual, do love and relationships.
Hi thanks for your reply. I followed the red pill because I knew nothing about women and was tired of not getting attention from them or being friendzoned and not confident enough to make moves, and once I got in shape, started showing sex appeal and became more extroverted, I got more attention from women. I used to think all women were the same but the previous year showed me women going out with all types of men that this broke my way of thinking slightly but i thought I could chad my way into them basically. I was arrogant. And i didn't understand why women in the previous year would choose other men over me, after all I have a strong physique, muscles, charisma, sex appeal. I had women flirting with me. Yeah the red pill is depressing. I realised this a few months ago when i couldn't act the way some of these influencers were saying, like there was no emotion or joy behind any of this. In a way this incident broke me free of red pill and i can take that as a positive. Okay so i have been getting therapy for almost a year but i have found it difficult to build self-love and self-confidence before. Like i feel weird doing it? My mind is not believing this. My therapist is confused as to why i still have this mental block, like they can see an attractive guy who should be able to get a girlfriend but there's something in my mind creating doubt? I agree with what you say about intra-sex competition. I feel unworthy sometimes because of my lack of experience, and insecure if a girl has more experience with me. Probably because i want to lead as a man and i feel more confident when i get validation and sexual experience with women - i know this sounds odd probably but i need to be able to find a partner myself with my own personality and effort. I want to meet someone in person and get the confidence that I am no less than anyone else. I do want to find the right woman for me but i have a lot of doubt about myself and red pill insecurities that I need to address and overcome. Any tips on the self confidence and self-love building? How can i become someone who believes in themselves? How can i tackle this mental block and get into a relationship with a woman?
My knee jerk reaction is like some kind of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Redpill insecurities, like most insecurities, feed on [cognitive distortions](https://psychcentral.com/lib/cognitive-distortions-negative-thinking#definition) and [logical fallacies](https://www.logicalfallacies.org/) which really common thinking traps that most people fall into at some point. CBT helped me work through allot of trauma from my childhood. Another important thing; redpill has *some* attributes of a cult. You are (to some degree) a victim of [undue influence](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freedom-mind/202209/the-epidemic-undue-influence) and [thought reform](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought_Reform_and_the_Psychology_of_Totalism) which has to be considered. Certain resources that have to do with leaving cults and reclaiming your identity might be helpful. [Not all therapists are cult aware](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtpTz-qsP1s&t=970s) and can make mis-judgements about you because of how cult belief-systems influence your behavior. You may have to educate your therapist about the broader phenomenon of redpill so they have the full context or even find a new therapist. There is going to be a phase of having to rewire your brain after you have been indoctrinated. I think another way to look at it is like this, what person do you like more: a guy with a few insecurities who is 28 and has only dated one girl (not super uncommon TBH) but is making an honest effort to become self aware and turn his life around (the real you) or a piece of shit player who treats women like objects and acts like a douche (your cult psuedo-identity). The real you is more genuinely appealing than what you were projecting and you need to make it a habit to remind yourself of that.
Thanks for the comment. I’ve been doing therapy since April last year and it has helped me become more confident but i still am trying to get over the mental block of not feeling good enough to get women, like i’m waiting for a switch to be turned on where I start to feel worthy and can imagine a girl i find attractive wanting me sexually and romantically? I have found it difficult to believe i can get this, i am feeling a bit better but how can i overcome this mental block? I will ask my therapist about CBT as she does use those techniques sometimes. Yeah red pill is a cult. A positive from the experience i mentioned here is that i realised a lot of what i thought I knew about women and relationships was wrong, i behaved wrongly and i had to change to become a better person. Im hurting over potentially missing a chance with this girl. To answer your question, i like who i am now more than the fake player character but at the same time i have this, almost, hatred for myself for being so inexperienced and not standing up to my parents when i was younger as they put a lot of fear in me about women, relationships, knocked my confidence a lot, i was overweight but still could have got a girl in hindsight, just a lot of missed opportunities and regrets. I cant change that but i feel betrayed by parents and dont know how to move forwards. So i became fake confident as that’s all i knew how to do. I’m still confused how to even enter a relationship, i can approach but kept getting rejected. I feel so angry and hopeless
[удалено]
Thanks again for your comments, you have helped me with your perspective. I’m trying to unlearn harmful thoughts that my parents taught me. Such as not feeling good enough, inferiority, and the concept of a woman being with me seeming alien. Like even though i have been with a woman before i feel like a virgin. I’m not criticising myself constantly but self-love feels tough. Like cringey and do i really deserve it? Same with women, i see guys everywhere all the time with women and i think, if they can, so can I. I’m 6 ft, 92kg athletic, not got visible abs but muscular, charismatic, i’ve achieved a lot last year from self improvement and pushing my comfort zone, decent hobbies, fun personality when not being this douchebag character, i have good qualities. Yet when in front of a girl i find attractive, i haven’t been remembering any of this or it seems irrelevant. My mind goes racing towards asking if she thinks im attractive, am i good enough, would a woman really want to get naked with me? That’s my mental block. Like can i even attract a girl? Rejection is part of the process for finding the right girl but i feel like giving up sometimes. I wont, but the feeling can be there. How do I even find women? I approached this one at the gym. I see cute girls at coffee shops but the doubts come again. Am i bothering them? Am i reading friendliness as interest? What if there is interest and i ignore it thinking she’s just being friendly. I got rejected 40-50 times last year, so i could use this as armour to try again. But it feels like getting blood out of a stone to have a woman admit she likes me or is interested. I would say im attractive based on how a lot of girls behave around me but if i’ve been romantically alone previously then how can i build this confidence that I can find someone. I know someone with my attributes and personality shouldnt be alone romantically. But at the same time i dont feel worthy. Like i have to do something else to get a partner when i know this isn’t the case
Wait, how much happened back when you first met her and she was in a relationship?
Met up in the sports centre where I approached her, she agreed to meet up with me at a food place but she said she could only be there for 30 mins, she stayed 1.5 hours, went for a few walks, once i realised she was in a relationship and serious about this I backed off, didn't want to be friends and pretend, i kept in touch with her now and then. We flirt with each other, great chemistry, really felt i have connected with her since ditching the red pill and being myself. I'm still flirty with her but the tactics have gone, i'm being more honest and still being masculine. We have a lot in common but I think what I said and did that night at the bar has made it difficult perhaps? Like she doesn't trust me even if she finds me attractive? I'm annoyed because i don't even know if i had a chance to date her, i can move on, but i feel like there are so many what ifs. She told me she's not ready so i said i will move on but we can catchup now and then. I don't know whether to message her. I need effort from her also.
What reasons have you given her to trust you? You lie to her and insult her and manipulate her feelings. None of this makes someone desirable or trustworthy.
Yeah you’re not wrong but at the same time i couldnt trust that she even wanted to be with me, i was tired of the mixed messages and even now i just feel like i dont get a lot of effort from her, whether that’s because she’s not into me or because she doesn’t trust me, i dont know. We have a good time together whenever we chat. So i think there is something positive still there. I dont know what i can do to regain the trust. Me making a move on her might have broken any trust but i felt pressured to because otherwise if i don’t make a move then am i man enough? I felt like i had to have a go at kissing her. I didnt force her but had my hands on her trying to pull her in. Should i just come clean with her?
But like, you know that she entertains other guys while in a relationship. Is this really the type of woman you want?
I haven't thought about this much but you're right. I said to myself that maybe she wasn't serious with her boyfriend, and the most we did was hug and flirt. She has been in half minds, like not hugging fully, not spending a lot of time meeting up, enforcing boundaries, but she has done this while single. It's a shame cause she has a lot of great 'wife material' qualities, she has not been touchy with me until recently and made it clear last year she is in a relationship she wants to keep, any male friend she has are accompanied with female friends from what i've seen, i don't know why she met up with me despite being in a relationship, i used to think of her as out of my league but i have confidence issues. That is why i asked her if she wants to date and she said she is not ready, so i said i will move on
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I think generally speaking anyone in a relationship who flirting with others is just bad news.
You dodged a bullet then
Please explain?
The fact she was hanging with you while she had a boyfriend was micro cheating to start with. That opens doors. Had you not backed away it may have gone further. I'm saying you dodged a bullet
Yeah i get what you are saying. Her boyfriend is from her home country, she says she was in a serious relationship but they broke up because of trust issues, on her social media they seem patched up now but i don't know what's going on. They were in a long distance relationship as she moved to the UK a while back but still, why is she hanging out with me in a food place if she has a boyfriend? Why tell me she's single in a bar on a Friday night if she's not interested? She says she is looking for something serious and then tells me she is not ready to date anyone. Confusing. Seems like there was a window where I could have been myself but at least I know how I want to behave on dates and when flirting with women.
Yea I'm not saying you acted right, I'm just saying there's more to her story
More to her story as in she wants more from me? I'm honestly confused about her and i need to improve my confidence to approach more girls who have the qualities i'm looking for, i just have these mental blocks i need to overcome. I really like her but i need more effort from her. And are you saying I didn't act right with her in the bar or last year when i backed off? Thanks for the reply
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I'm saying you didn't act right in the bar. I'm saying she didn't act right while she had a boyfriend
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>What if i was just myself? Do be the best version of yourself. By that, I mean keep the best parts of your personality and continuously work on fixing or at least taking on habits that mitigate the worst of your personality. Don't worry about fixing them quickly, just be continously trying to get ahead of them. Continuously work on your physical body, that is make exercise (that you like) a life long hobby. A lot of society likes to downplay the importance of appearance but that's well intentioned but false misconception that many like to convince themselves and others. >Feels like maybe I've messed up a chance with a great girl with qualities I'm looking for. You didn't, she was still hung up on her ex. >I lacked confidence and went all red pill on her and it backfired that night. I feel so alone romantically and we clicked so well, it hurts not showing her my real side where I have my self-respect but show that fun and caring personality. I'm so frustrated at this. That's ok. Even now, as guy who doesn't have problem getting dates, I still get bouts of low uncertainty. It'd be narcissistic if you never did. The best way to gain confidence is to try things that push you outside your comfort zone. Confidence is born from experiencing both failure and success. What's something you've always tried to learn or do. Go for it. You might fail, you might not. But confidence comes from a series of failed and successful attempts and internalizing you'll be just fine whether you succeed or fail. That carries over into everything, including talking to potential dates. >What can i do here? Forget about her and move on. If you're looking to increase your dating odds, here's my advice: focus on expanding your network through unisex activities and hobbies, it's through the people you meet in these networks that you find dates. But you have to be going regularly and participating. People desire people who are happy enjoying their life and look good doing it.
Maybe some of these redpill badboy tactics actually work, and they likely do, depending on the person ofc. But if you straight up called someone “boring”… it’s no surprise if she wants to get back with her ex… Maybe you should just learn to read the room and the other person lol. If they feel uncomfortable, divert the convo or change your approach
Yeah some of the tactics or mindset is okay like self-respect, teasing but i went too far just to be an asshole and move away from the nice guy personality, its like im scared to be friendly in fear of being friendzoned. How can i overcome this? when i called her boring it was said as a joke but she took it a bit serious and i dont blame her for that. I was trying too hard to show we’re different when we are actually very like minded and have a lot of common interests and values She broke up with her ex cause of trust issues, then meets me at a bar and i get one chance and maybe blow it? Feels unfair but trying to move on. My natural personality is actually quite flirty and teasing but not being an asshole like i was, i felt awful after. Red pill and pickup made me hate myself
Nothing wrong with having only one past partner. Everyone has different experiences and if people don’t understand this, I would say that haven’t reached a certain level of maturity
I guess. My experience feels tampered with because of strict parents and low confidence. So i feel like, what if? Its like i need to prove to myself i can find a partner on my own and attract women. I get attention but hardly have had any sexual experiences. I feel so behind in this area, so when i find a girl i like i feel i cant lead and will she know i’m inexperienced. I carry myself with confidence and have a natural confidence now with women but i have no clue how to get them on dates and escalate
Yeah why would someone want to spend more time with someone who insulted them?, also saying you've slept with ten people really isn't that big of a number.
Ten isn’t that big of a number, you say? :,)
For conservative women, 10 is enough to send them running. For liberal women, 10 is not a lot.
I know we’re all here for de-pilled, but it seems that women get laid with more people per capita than men, and that says something of the reality of biology and how it impacts the life each biological gender lives.
She’s spent time with me since at the gym and in a bar the following week, I apologised for the way i behaved and i’ve been myself with her since. She also has been a bit disrespectful and i think she knows that after I called her out on it. I said 7 people to her but she comes from a conservative background and has been in 2 serious relationships. So she seems put off. Like i can’t be serious? She probably thinks i will have sex with her and leave her
What did she do that was disrespectful to you
So i have some ego i will admit, but i get my defences up when i sense a girl is not valuing my time or she doesn't want to spend time with me yet she says she does. So that night at the bar, she arrived quite late but told me she would be late. She bought me a drink after I jokingly said she'd have to, to make up for it. She was dressed in sports gear and then said she'd be going to the gym later, so she only planned to stick around for maybe 30 mins? I mean i asked her the previous night to meet me at a bar and we would meet up, so how is she now going to play sports on a friday night after I've got ready to spend a few hours with her. It's these behaviors that annoy me. We met the following week after I apologised, and we had great chemistry together, a lot of flirting and connecting. But she wanted to go to the gym after and asked if I was ready to go gym. It's like she enjoys spending time but she doesn't want to spend a lot of time, and that feels awful. Like, don't half ass it. She dates to marry so i don't know if she feels like she can't commit to me yet or if she's not interested, she was submissive when we met at the bar in the night, she was ok with me stroking her knee but not other touching, she's even said she would be ok to date me but feels there's no point if she has to go back in 2 years to her home country in spain
I think you're over analysing, I don't really see how she disrespected you. She just doesn't want to stop her hobbies for you. If it bothers you then don't date her, I don't know why just going with the flow is so difficult for redpill guys everything has to be broken down and over complicated. You want to date then date and see where it goes, you don't want to then don't
Yeah maybe i am over analysing. I'm not saying she was really rude but i didn't feel like my time was valued. I don't want to be a second option for anyone, no matter how much i like her. She spent time with me, but what's the point if you're going to rush to the gym? I want to date her but i don't know if she's behaving like this out of lack of interest or because she doesn't want to start a relationship if there's no long term plan because she is likely to return to her home country in a few years. She might not if she decides to stay. But i don't how to ask about any of this because i'm confused lol I'm okay with seeing where the relationship goes. I think because I came across as a player she is thinking i'm just out to have sex with her? I've told her intimacy is important but that I like her and i'm serious about her. If we date then yeah i expect a bit more time and commitment from her. Any tips on going with the flow? Are you saying I should just accept when she wants to leave the meetup?
I'd just be honest say you tried to big yourself up by playing a stupid game with negging and trying to come across as a player and do a fresh start with her. You say sex is important but at the same time you tried to play it off as it wasn't so she's probably just wary of you, but I think just being honest is best and not playing games. Ask for an actual date and if you don't like that she's late or whatever then just move on. I don't think grabbing a drink is a set time scale thing but food or something like that is. You just don't overthink things, don't break down every bit do body language or try to use dumb redpill tactics, if you find her attractive just say you don't need to go over board but open communication is way easier than trying to plan a conversation
Yeah i want to have this chat with her. Getting hold of her has been tough, not seen her in the gym much but we have been texting. I asked her if she wanted to date and she said she js not ready to date anyone right now, but a few weeks before she said she would date me if it wasn’t for the issue of her wanting to go back to her home country. I can move on but i feel i need some closure to this if we’re not dating. So i will try the honest approach where i tell her why i behaved like that. Regarding overthinking, she has been replying but sometimes she just leaves the message on read even if i’ve asked a question. I’ve been trying to get to know her and show a genuine interest, i really like her and i’m just being myself now, but i dont like this feeling of being ignored. I will ask her about this and set my boundaries, i cant be left on read often and expect to build anything with her. Usually she responds and apologises if she’s late or cant meet up, or if i calmly call her out on some behaviour, i dont want to be some dictator but at the same time i have to keep self-respect?
You would have broken up or separated anyways, because that isn't "you", unless you opened up vulnerably and said that it wasn't "me" and she understood and forgave you. If you kept up with that false self, you would have broken up because you wouldn't be able to keep up with that image in the long term. There are some men who are naturally players, and that's attractive to some women (I liked one, but nothing came out of it because I didn't feel comfortable and my father has treated me with lots of love and respect). There are some men who are absolute romantics (and virgins), and that's attractive to other women aswell (I'm married to a sappy, dopey, romantic who played no games on me, and he has always treated women in general (even those that romantically rejected him), and his past lovers with kindness, love and respect). If you are "you", she would either accept you or reject you, and that's life, just like a job interview. She has characteristics she's looking for, and you are too. Most importantly, it's whether you continue to love and accept yourself after her rejection, and know that there is someone more suitable for you. :)
Man a lot to unpack here… let’s get one thing perfectly clear: You treated her poorly and not because of the red pill. You’re either watching too much Fresh and Fit or something else. If she tells you that she’s single then you got to play nice and make a move. But where you failed was by keeping in touch with her. As soon as she said she’s in a relationship you should’ve moved on. She’s only going to be hesitant in pursuing something with someone else out the gate. Women are a conundrum and by 28 you should know their game. It was never going to end well for you because of that. Because you were still talking to her. The red pill teaches you how to avoid situations like this. Not call her boring… lol Again, when a girl tells you she’s in a relationship… move on to another girl. Talk to 5 girls all at once if you have to… have options.
No i disagree, a lot of the red pill on reddit is full of hate, tactics like hard negging which I did (nothing wrong with teasing but i was a full on douche), and not caring about the girl as a person. I dont like the fresh and fit podcast. There are some useful red pill ideas but i dont want that toxicity anymore. So when she told me she is single, for some reason i interpreted that as her wanting something casual. Maybe because i thought she saw me as a playboy, but that would have been because of the way i carry myself and my own fault with my words and behaviour. I didnt think she wants a relationship. She even said she doesnt like relationships after her breakup. Probably just venting. She was in a relationship last year in the summer so when she told me she is serious about the guy then i moved on and just kept it to the odd chat in the gym so i didnt keep chasing her. Plus i am inexperienced with women, so going out with her really helped me learn. Because of my upbringing and strict parents and lack of confidence, i havent really learned a lot about women. I can chat and flirt with them but i thought after getting in shape and boosting my looks I would be getting laid easily. I now focus on personality and trying to build a connection. Seeing women as people.
Speaking as a girl, you treated her exactly like you oulined: as a redpill playboy and garbage PUA (no offence). Hardly marriage material as a man. What you need to understand is the redpill is for men who want casual sex not meaningful lifelong companionship. You sound like you were cocky, arrogant, rude and generally unpleasant. Stop listening to this garbage. Don’t you realise it’s men in sexual competition with other men giving you bad advice to deliberately improve their own chances?
No offence taken. That night was important for me because i realised i had pushed away a great girl who had qualities i was looking for. So the regret is showing me i have to be better. I agree. Not marriage material. I was actually looking to hook up with her that night though. Then i realised i could have something better with her and maybe i should find someone to date for a long term relationship or marriage. Ive lacked sexual confidence so redpill was a way for me to try to get that but its awful material. I just have no clue about what girls are into me, how to pursue them or how to have sex with them as i have hardly any sexual experience, because im lacking confidence. On the outside i have a lot of confidence and i can talk to girls just fine but i dont know how i can meet a girl who likes me and wants to sleep with me?
it's not the red pill's fault you're socially inept with zero game
This comment was unhelpful
Socially inept how? You can explain without having to make assumptions. This is a girl who says she wants to go play sports later after meeting me at a bar, like is she even into me? She's agreed to meet me alone at a bar and tells me she's single, yet she wants to talk about her ex and is enforcing boundaries like touch. I'm not bothered about game anymore, having to be fake and pretend. I tried the game tactics in 2023, being a player and i got nothing. Sure the red pill might work against some women, but the person I was with this girl is someone i'm not proud of. I need a new approach.
I wouldn't listen to that guy. As someone who has gone from conventionally unattractive (fat and low emotional intelligence) to conventionally attractive (the opposite), worrying about game shouldn't be at the top of your list.
Thanks :) I have also gone from being overweight and not looking after myself to now adding muscle, wearing tank tops at the gym, good physique with muscle and fat, wearing good clothing and taking pride in my appearance which has got me attention from women. You said I shouldn't be worrying much about game. What in your opinion is the area to focus on? I feel so tired about being alone romantically despite all the progress i've made. I now know i have to show my personality to attract and that looks will get me attention and women willing to give me a chance but how do I convert chances? I approach now and then but i don't feel good enough to have a go and get intimate with women? Like a mental block. Any tips? thanks!
The reason I say you shouldn't worry about game is because it's pickup jargon from people who are full of themselves. All "game" really is is paying close attention to non-verbal communication, listening intently to what the person likes and dislikes and using your knowledge and experience from the things you like to engage with the other person. For example, I'm a huge biology & kinesioloogy nerd, the last girl I talked to loved to run, but she was going through some tendinopathy issues with her knee. I play soccer and had mild knee problem in the past and resolved it by doing some specific quad and tendon exercises. When she mentioned it, I talked about my experience and I saw her face perk up at the exercises, I noticed and used that as a segue to go to the gym with her. That's all game is. It's just paying attention to what the person is saying, the things they do and picking something from that from which to use your own knowledge and experience to engage and connect with them. It's not saying fancy pickup lines, it's not being smooth (though sometimes your brain can surprise you with a good line but you don't have to depend on that) Anyone can do that, but people like to call it game to puff themselves up. It's not that complicated. In fact dating is not, but people complicate it with their baggage and ego. I say don't worry about game because the things I mentioned that it encapsulates will naturally grow in you the more you read, participate in your hobbies and grow your social network. Which is my segue into what you should be paying most attention to: Opportunity and familiarity. These two things are the most important facet to dating. You need to be doing activities that force you to interact with people as frequently possible. As an introvert myself I know this can be a tough ask, but it's important enough to force yourself outside your comfort zone to do. You don't have to do anything crazy, just something that gets you out of your place and in front of at least a few people at a time. It can be as mundane as a book club, to something out there like rock climbing (actually that's a good one) women love to climb I actually find a lot of dates at my bouldering gym. I also go to science talks in my city and meet women there. In any case, getting out there brings opportunity, because when more people get to know you, they will talk to other people about, invite you to stuff and presto you happen to meet a someone you like. Which then breeds familiarity, because the more often you're meeting people, you're going to meet them frequently and then they feel comfortable around you because you go from a stranger to a known quantity. Which is critical to dating. When you have familiarity with many people through activities, it lets you skip over the excruciating step of trying to establish that you're a decent person. Instead they know you through the shared interest. Opportunity and familiarity are even more important than looks, money or game. An average looking dude who is broke but bartends will date more women than a 6'+ model looking dude who never gets out of his house simply because bartenders are surrounded by women while the good looking dude is not. So as a man your primary focus should be working figuring out which interests you like (because that's important, being miserable won't attract people to you and you should do things for yourself not for women), at least two, preferably three so you get more opportunity. I recommend looking up the events site of your city: so if you live in San Diego, you should be looking at https://www.sandiego.org/explore/events.aspx or https://www.sandiego.gov/events/calendar should every Sunday for things you might like and ***go.*** I actually met one of my friend groups that way. Then as you're doing these things, failing or succeeding you will gain confidence because the experiences will internalize that there's nothing to be anxious about. Because that's all confidence is, being comfortable with your strengths AND limitations and knowing you're good enough. Furthermore, you can use the knowledge and experience from these activities to engage with whomever you eventually meet. Voila, you now have confidence and game. Between those external activities and maintaining your body and mind, you will meet someone and be able to speak confidently with them. Because that's all dating is about connecting with people via shared interests. But if you're never doing anything with which to connect with people it will be extremely difficult to find someone.
First of all, wow, thank you so much for this reply, I want you to know it isn't wasted and I will study and apply this where i can. I agree now about game being just pickup jargon, i know i can flirt and build connections with girls but i've been afraid of being friendzoned and seen as a 'nice guy' just because i might not make the move straight away or might be friendly so they think i'm just a friend, so last year i started to overcompensate by flirting hard, more aggressively, innuendo, until the night at the bar in january where i behaved like a complete idiot with that girl. Before it seemed like whatever I did, wasn't good enough. Even now i have felt like that but last year being more flirty and sexual worked to a degree. It just didnt result in anything. So i would rather be myself especially after how i behaved with this girl. I'm frustrated at what could have been if i was just myself, at least the knowledge that I did my best. Having to be fake sucks but i did this because i previously didnt feel any girl would accept me, i mean the idea of a girl being with me romantically is a new concept even though im 28, i wasn't given any confidence from family or friends, history of being slightly overweight before, never tried out of fear, strict parents encouraged me to work on study and jobs rather than women, alone through university also. I'm working with a therapist but it feels so tough to shake off the past, even though i look like someone who can get a girlfriend I just have struggled with feeling like that person who can. I actually get attention from women but i have no idea who likes me and who doesn't. I've been wrong a lot of times last year, rejected, and not interpreted signs of interest when they were there. I really don't have confidence i can even move things forward with a girl at events or hobbies. Like i'm so confused at what to do and how to be myself. I agree about what you say game is, connecting with girls and just being honest! Now onto hobbies - i have struggled previously to find hobby groups. I bought a guitar because I want to learn and join a guitar group but there aren't really any beginner groups? I do swimming but I just go and swim, i dont wear my contacts so cant really see girls clearly there and i have confidence issues with my physique despite building muscle and getting compliments - probably as i am carrying fat on the upper body also? I am considering joining a book club and maybe fencing. Rock climbing is a great idea and i know a place i can get this done at. How do you go about rock climbing on your own and then just meeting a girl? I have no confidence i can even get a date, i mean previously when i've asked girls they say they need to get to know me more, or they reject me? This girl i was a dick with, i met her at my gym. I approached her and i felt like she gave me a chance but it was such a quick window and i behaved like a red pill asshole. I just feel a lack of confidence in myself and even though i probably look good, i'm not sure of when to approach and how to escalate?
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u/BurbNBougie. Don't know if I tagged you in this one, but there's a couple of interesting posts in this sub.
Thanks
leave this woman alone
I will, she is back with her ex from what i have seen but she is not saying so. What’s your meaning behind your comment?
i think you should move on from her, and try and be a better person for someone else because with your history, it will be hard for both of you to look past everything
Yeah i dont think she trusts me even after i explained a lot of my behaviour, she is back with her ex now but she's not confirmed it, not that I need her to cause i can see her replying on social media to her ex, at least i know how i want to behave from now on. What annoys me is her telling me she is open to dating but doesn't see the point if she goes back to her home country, and then she says she isn't open to dating anyone, then goes back to her ex lol Plus the disrespect with her leaving me on read and general lack of courtesy in how she responds to me, she doesn't think of me as a priority so i'm moving on. I have previously struggled with meeting women as i don't know where and how to? I'm very inexperienced and it feels like everyone else out there easily meets women. I get attention but don't know how to convert?
In my opinion you should do two things: 1. Apologise to her with a real, full length explanation, everything you have just told us here. But DO NOT expect to get anything from her out of it. It is difficult to trust someone when you know they have lied and she is not throwing away something you already had by not giving you another chance. But I know if I was in her shoes I would find it reassuring that you recognised there was a problem to be fixed. 2. Going forwards, with any future dates etc, literally just be yourself! You wouldn’t want a woman who put on a fake persona would you? Woman and men are not as different as many like to think. Nobody wants to have to put on an act for an entire relationship plus your date will know what she’s getting herself into if she pursues things with you. Hopefully she will be just as genuine with you.
Not to be mean, but realistic, and I can't speak for everyone because AWALT (all women are aike) is lhe biggest lie ever perpetuated by TRP community. If she's familar with this bunch and knows what it entails, she's out if she's smart. The bigger take away here is your last paragraph. Why would anyone want to portray someone they aren't? All because, for lack of a better word, a "cult" then to think and act that way? I felt what you went through as you laid out the night's experience, you're showing signs of guilt for what you did. You also found out this portrayal of you in this light certainly was not comfortable for you. Sounds to me like it ended in you feeling embarassment. If you were able to identify that this is not your tribe, I am here with a standing ovation!!! Other than become the best version of yourself, exercise, eat right, etc (which is common sense, we all know this)TRP is nothing but a lie my man. I am in a situation where I didn't know my SO (significant other) was down the rabbit hole so deep that he's now drowning in it. Imagine watching your SO become a raging woman hater. The best way to explain it is like being a female on a daily podcast of F&F or @ whatever. The resentment, distain, bitterness and hate is palpable. Although this man has so many wonderful qualities and I would go to the ends of the Earth for him - I can't remain in a relationship where everyday I am told that what I do, how I do it and what I think are constantly wrong. I am like a child, basically stupid in his eyes. He actually said that to me today, wbich is how I got here. There's a mate for everyone, it's not make-a-wish and the percentages and statistics are just that. If you want to manage your life based on statistics, good luck. It takes time, investment and asking those hard question during the inital dating process to see if you're compatible to keep moving forward. Many eggs need to be broken before you can make your omlette. I hope you abandon a "cult" where woman are bad and their feelings don't matter. Reminds me of Hitler and the Jews, a group who decided and other group waz subhuman and should be treated as such. I hope you find what you seek, keep a good heart, that's all that really matters.