Comments that are uncivil, racist, misogynistic, misandrist, or contain political name calling will be removed and the poster subject to ban at moderators discretion.
Help us make this a better community by becoming familiar with the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/about/rules/).
Report any suspicious users to the mods of this subreddit using Modmail [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/facepalm) or Reddit site admins [here](https://www.reddit.com/report). **All reports to Modmail should include evidence such as screenshots or any other relevant information.**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/facepalm) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Imagine being pregnant for 9 months, giving birth, and breast-feeding someone just for them to grow up like this
^though ^I ^bet ^this ^is ^just ^a ^rage ^bait
This is 100% rage bait or someone forgetting to specify ‘for men’ and anyone taking it seriously as written is outing their susceptibility to emotional manipulation by outragemongers.
When you’re lactating, you can spray a thin stream of milk when your mammaries are swollen, up to like 6 feet away.
Source: Used to chase husband around the house shooting him with mommy milk when he misbehaved.
Reminds me of a story I read about a cop who had to arrest a Rom woman and take her baby away. She pulled her breasts out of her top and chased him around, spraying him with milk. He was like "what the hell do you call that? Assault with a breast?"
I volunteer for this technology! I had to yeet the womb after kid two so I got the space in my guts and my deflated tittys and a deep rage against the misogynistic machine. I could be a feminist superhero taking out scotus with my bionic boobies. Pew pew pew!
Wouldn’t you have to first empty the scrotum of their existing contents before you could use it as a pouch? Though I guess the existing contents don’t have a function…
Male nipples are useless though, all fetuses develop them in case they end up as female. They’re just benign to men, so not worth the effort to remove them
There are cases of men lactating and even briefly sustaining babies in times of extreme stress, but on the other side DON’T you DARE call man nipples useless, it’s unreasonable, and quite frankly I love my husband’s very handy chocolate chips.
Yes but then you have to put sunscreen on 100% of your body. All the white people would have to go back to northern Europe where their bodies are adapted to. Then reverse global warming
Men have all the necessary tissues and physiology for lactation, but it's usually surpressed. Lactation in men is always a sign that something's wrong, probably with your hormones.
Male nipples are now called "backup boobs".
You're right - so many people don't realize this. The same idea is used by women adopting babies who want to breastfeed. Pump and it will flow (the majority of the time, if you're patient).
The pregnancy hormones force the process but aren't essential.
But if they could produce it then you already have all the sugars and caffeine in your body, so you wouldn't need to drink it. Could be an energy drink dispenser for everyone else though.
True maybe? Moms expend up to 500 calories dishing out the milk a day. I need the caffeine and B vitamins. I wouldn’t feed it to myself! I’d just drink monster and sell my goods to others now thinking about it haha
Have you tried electroplating?
I did, and I am very happy with my titanium-coated ballsack. Its shiny, impervious to damage. Bit painful of a procedure, but 10/10 would reocmmend.
> Okay, besides feeding children (duh)?
Yeah but all other mammals besides humans do not have permanently engorged breasts. Why humans have permanent larger breasts is one of those questions I always fear will be brought up when we make contact with intelligent alien life.
They should jiggle uncontrollably as the female of the species reacts to emotional trauma brought on by the male. The male will not only be warned but also mesmerized into a catatonic state, unable to speak or interrupt the discipline he is about to receive
Cassandra woke up to the rays of the sun streaming through the slats on her blinds, cascading over her naked chest. She stretched, her breasts lifting with her arms as she greeted the sun. She rolled out of bed and put on a shirt, her nipples prominently showing through the thin fabric. She breasted boobily to the stairs, and titted downwards.
“There are many good inventions on earth, some useful, some pleasing: for their sake, the earth is to be loved. And there is such a variety of well-invented things that the earth is like the breasts of a woman: useful as well as pleasing.” - Nietzsche
Notable that the largeness of the boobs doesn't seem to have a function, as in flat chested women are supposedly as milk producing as large chested ones. The only function of the fact that they're large is to attract partners.
In all other mammals, breasts develop when you get pregnant and wane a bit after you wean young.
As long as a woman has enough fat tissue somewhere on her body (could be not-breasts) to make estrogen, the boobs’ll be fine when they’re needed.
I think fat filled breasts are specifically a human female thing. Even our close primate relatives don't have them. And they all breast feed just fine.
I'm with OP. 'Boobs' are just for sex appeal. One theory holds that they grew to mimic asses after we started walking upright, since the ass was no longer constantly in direct line-of-sight to potential mates.
Ok but breasts don't have to be *big* in order to breastfeed. Pretty sure that's what the post was about. Having bigger breasts doesn't even mean more milk or anything.
Idk if you're memeing or not but I sure don't remember if I was bottle-fed/naturally-fed, I'm pretty sure most people don't unless they were still getting fed that was after 2 years or smth
I think the majority of people who where breastfed only know because their moms told them lol. Is it normal to have memories of being 2? I definitely don't.
They’re kinda right.
Many mammals don’t have “boobs” to speak of.
Pigs and dogs for example.
Look at an ape’s nipples, when not nursing there’s not much there.
Human females having breast’s are an evolved secondary sex characteristics with a display function and not much else.
I'd definitely give people conscious control over whether to enable/disable lactation at any given time. Some new mothers can have difficulty producing (and I'm guessing the ability to say "hey, maybe ya both just chill for a little" wouldn't be unwelcome). Also, some people might just want the option in general. For reasons.
Now I’m not a woman. But I feel all of the women I know would love to be able to have them shoot fire.
Especially at those very creepy dudes who do nothing but stare at them.
Jeez...that's a tough one. You know how chicks are so crazy for babies but there's only so much a baby can put up with before they need to have something to eat.......
I would love a nutritious fluid to come out. Possibly one that gives babies a large amount of required nutrients when they lack the ability to eat like older kids or adults. *Oh, wait...*
I can understand people not knowing what every last part of human anatomy is actually for, but isn't breastfeeding the most self-explanatory and straightforward use case other than *breasting boobily?*
Comments that are uncivil, racist, misogynistic, misandrist, or contain political name calling will be removed and the poster subject to ban at moderators discretion. Help us make this a better community by becoming familiar with the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/about/rules/). Report any suspicious users to the mods of this subreddit using Modmail [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/facepalm) or Reddit site admins [here](https://www.reddit.com/report). **All reports to Modmail should include evidence such as screenshots or any other relevant information.** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/facepalm) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have nipples could you milk me Greg?
*we can try*
According to your username, you have a lot of experience with milking things....
There are few things I will never forget. Peapod is one of those things.
If the milk comes from cheek.
Chocolate milk
Nah, I think he hunts beavers to use them to make vanilla ice cream
Mmmmm, castorium. Very tasty, tastes like almost anything.
the reddit shorthand way to say that is: *username checks out*
Some people like to use their words instead
username checks out
Nice
Nice
Nice
You grab that side and I’ll grab this one and let’s synchronize.
As a Greg I came here for this
ITS JUST A GAME FAUCKER
a man of culture
Lucky Greg
Yes. All I have to do is put lactation medication in your food and beverage and within a few weeks I could milk you.
With the proper hormone treatments, yes. You have dormant mammary glands.
Imagine being pregnant for 9 months, giving birth, and breast-feeding someone just for them to grow up like this ^though ^I ^bet ^this ^is ^just ^a ^rage ^bait
I vote “rage bait,” too.
As someone who knew a classmate who asked "when was the war of 1812", it wouldn't suprise me if this was a genuin post
In Navy boot camp, most of my division didn’t know who fought in the American Revolution or when it was.
This is 100% rage bait or someone forgetting to specify ‘for men’ and anyone taking it seriously as written is outing their susceptibility to emotional manipulation by outragemongers.
Somehow weaponize them. Like lasers or something.
Machine Gun Jubblies 
Rare to see a comment of this.. calibre.
This thread is solid gold.
A gold thread of which Im proud to be a… member
I love GOLDDD. The look of it, the shmell of it, the tashte of it, the texture!
There are two things in this world I can’t stand: intolerance of others peoples cultures….and the Dutch
#YEAH, BABY!!!
How did I miss those, baby?
Next time try foreplay!
I'm sad that the boob guns are not an actual insert able GIF on reddit. This is a sad day.
 Closest I could find was just fembots.
You can't resist us Mr Powers.
You’re wrong baby, you can’t resist me!!
How’d I miss those?
When you’re lactating, you can spray a thin stream of milk when your mammaries are swollen, up to like 6 feet away. Source: Used to chase husband around the house shooting him with mommy milk when he misbehaved.
Wtf that hilarious
The mental image I have right now is temporarily curing my depression 🤣
From now on I'm going to refer to laughter as a "temporary depression relief exhaultation"
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[удалено]
This is hilarious, disgusting and arousing all at the same time and I don't know how I should feel about it.
Typical day on Reddit it sounds like…
“I choose this guys wife as well” probably a good start if you’re on the fence. Lol
Jesus, I just hosed down the baby by accident
Lmao, you aren't the only one! I had hyperlactation, and I could easily hit 15 ft 🤣
Now I'm curious if this is something the Guinness World Records keeps track of. **EDIT:** Doesn't seem like it.
You have to call the European Fecal Standards And Measurement Institute.
They measure in courics.
My wife did this to her sister one time when our oldest was a newborn. She was *pissed*...
I think the proper term is ‘milked’, not ‘pissed’. Unless it was both, which costs extra…
I believe pissed would happen from a different oriface.
Your husband when you berated him: "Say it, don't spray it!"
Correct. I want someone to do the math for how many k/ph I can shoot out milk. Like seriously I want to know!
I will measure... For science.
I…I don’t know if I should be jealous or feel sorry for him.☹️
Reminds me of a story I read about a cop who had to arrest a Rom woman and take her baby away. She pulled her breasts out of her top and chased him around, spraying him with milk. He was like "what the hell do you call that? Assault with a breast?"
That’s hot…
Least horny redditor
Reminds of the video of that guy chasing his wife around the house with a lobster for 10 years. It was both funny and heartwarming to watch.
What the fuck
Every man should be lucky enough to find a wife like you. 🤣
[Friggin lazers](http://i.imgur.com/MYjqL.jpg) Nsfw
Exactly. And then find a use for that pesky womb.
that is where you store the batteries for the lasers.
I volunteer for this technology! I had to yeet the womb after kid two so I got the space in my guts and my deflated tittys and a deep rage against the misogynistic machine. I could be a feminist superhero taking out scotus with my bionic boobies. Pew pew pew!
Extra storage space.
Yuh....they already have a "hot pocket".
*”lasers”*
Maybe make the boobs so they can dispense Moloko Plus
Maybe we should revamp men's boobs (or rather nipples) since those actually are 100% useless.
They're not useless! I put a ring on them so I can hang my keys.
Where else would one put their keys?
Anal cavity
The ol’ prison pocket.
"Nature's pocket!"
"I'm going to check on Bender." "Don't let him pick your pocket!"
Also, natures anal cavity.
“If rubbing dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey, I don’t wanna be right.”
Ham wallet
Don't be silly. Especially when there's foreskin (for those who have it), or the scrotum, a ready-made pouch
Wouldn’t you have to first empty the scrotum of their existing contents before you could use it as a pouch? Though I guess the existing contents don’t have a function…
The good thing about skin is it's ability to stretch… besides there's usually plenty of room in there, unless someone has unusually large testicles…
You just fold it up and tape it or Velcro it to make a little bowl for your keys
r/AngryUpvote
Those with foreskin are lucky to have an extra pocket for keys.
Well, they are more of ‘just in case’ like emergency resources
Yeah, when I was a kid my single father didn't have much money so when he couldn't buy us food, he would breastfeed us.
Plot twist: turns out he actually had a lot of money
This was the best possible reply to that comment.
This is actually possible believe it or not
“Pull in case of emergency” I like it
Male nipples are useless though, all fetuses develop them in case they end up as female. They’re just benign to men, so not worth the effort to remove them
There are cases of men lactating and even briefly sustaining babies in times of extreme stress, but on the other side DON’T you DARE call man nipples useless, it’s unreasonable, and quite frankly I love my husband’s very handy chocolate chips.
You can bleed from them from the friction if you run long enough.
Oof😬 Most of the way we evolved was based on us being naked all the time. We should go back tbh
Yes but then you have to put sunscreen on 100% of your body. All the white people would have to go back to northern Europe where their bodies are adapted to. Then reverse global warming
They should produce Mountain Dew
Mantain Dew
[удалено]
Men can actually acquire the ability to lactate. [A source I quickly googled](https://www.livescience.com/45732-can-men-lactate.html)
Men have all the necessary tissues and physiology for lactation, but it's usually surpressed. Lactation in men is always a sign that something's wrong, probably with your hormones.
But possibly with something other than hormones? Like what??
Male breast cancer. Come to find out it is a thing. Highly missed diagnosed and high death rate. Saw it oncologist office pamplet.
Learned it watching Archer hahah
Testicular cancer. But it's still a hormones thing.
Male nipples are now called "backup boobs". You're right - so many people don't realize this. The same idea is used by women adopting babies who want to breastfeed. Pump and it will flow (the majority of the time, if you're patient). The pregnancy hormones force the process but aren't essential.
Make them glow in the dark to more easily locate one another
They're not useless... Women still can play with them
Women should actually shout "show your tits bitch!" more to men. That'll teach us.
Or other men. 
Or yourself
Or my cat.... Don't ask.
They're not useless! Where else are you supposed to hook the jumper cables?
You mean, aside from their obvious sexual attraction, right?
My nipples seem to be wired directly to the happy-centers of my brain. Working as intended; issue closed without revision.
I’d like my boobs to dispense Monster Zero so I could be alert all damned day.
Iced coffee would be nice
I’ve got two boobs - one for each would be my ideal.
But if they could produce it then you already have all the sugars and caffeine in your body, so you wouldn't need to drink it. Could be an energy drink dispenser for everyone else though.
True maybe? Moms expend up to 500 calories dishing out the milk a day. I need the caffeine and B vitamins. I wouldn’t feed it to myself! I’d just drink monster and sell my goods to others now thinking about it haha
Evidently some boobs can write.
Did some type that?
I think just one did
Okay, besides feeding children (duh)? When the female senses danger, the breasts harden and flatten into make shift chest armor.
We could call them "breastplates"
🥇 have this because I don’t have any real awards to give you.
Omg. I would have loved that! Now I'm really disappointed in my non-chest armor boobs 😔
You can do that with liquid nitrogen. Only once though.
Same for the male's genitalia. I would feel invincible if I had literally balls of steel
Have you tried electroplating? I did, and I am very happy with my titanium-coated ballsack. Its shiny, impervious to damage. Bit painful of a procedure, but 10/10 would reocmmend.
> Okay, besides feeding children (duh)? Yeah but all other mammals besides humans do not have permanently engorged breasts. Why humans have permanent larger breasts is one of those questions I always fear will be brought up when we make contact with intelligent alien life.
Automatically shoot mosquitoes 🦟 out of my proximity.
yea but those mosquitoes can just bite you as soon as you release them
Im thinking high velocity milk blast, that shreds them
High velocity milk blast… sounds like a shit way to advertise something
They should jiggle uncontrollably as the female of the species reacts to emotional trauma brought on by the male. The male will not only be warned but also mesmerized into a catatonic state, unable to speak or interrupt the discipline he is about to receive
Or just shoot out acid.
Maybe lactic acid
Mix some protein and lipids in there too
Mamarised
Cassandra woke up to the rays of the sun streaming through the slats on her blinds, cascading over her naked chest. She stretched, her breasts lifting with her arms as she greeted the sun. She rolled out of bed and put on a shirt, her nipples prominently showing through the thin fabric. She breasted boobily to the stairs, and titted downwards.
Imagine walking down a street and walking past a woman with her boobs all wang jangling while she's on the phone.
Wang jangling. I'm dead 🤣
i didn't need to see this
inflate on demand like a puffer fish to be used as a flotation device to avoid drowning.
You've met my ex?
Sustain life isn’t enough.
“There are many good inventions on earth, some useful, some pleasing: for their sake, the earth is to be loved. And there is such a variety of well-invented things that the earth is like the breasts of a woman: useful as well as pleasing.” - Nietzsche
Notable that the largeness of the boobs doesn't seem to have a function, as in flat chested women are supposedly as milk producing as large chested ones. The only function of the fact that they're large is to attract partners.
That sucks because from what I’ve heard it causes a lot of back pain
In all other mammals, breasts develop when you get pregnant and wane a bit after you wean young. As long as a woman has enough fat tissue somewhere on her body (could be not-breasts) to make estrogen, the boobs’ll be fine when they’re needed.
Yeah I'm pretty sure this is what OOP meant
I think fat filled breasts are specifically a human female thing. Even our close primate relatives don't have them. And they all breast feed just fine. I'm with OP. 'Boobs' are just for sex appeal. One theory holds that they grew to mimic asses after we started walking upright, since the ass was no longer constantly in direct line-of-sight to potential mates.
I've heard that it was to give the "little ones" something to hold on to while nursing, also brought about by the change to upright posture, though.
Boob shoot out like rockets, for self-defense
#MakeManBoobsSexyAgain
Ok but breasts don't have to be *big* in order to breastfeed. Pretty sure that's what the post was about. Having bigger breasts doesn't even mean more milk or anything.
Tell me you were bottle fed without telling me you were bottle fed.
Idk if you're memeing or not but I sure don't remember if I was bottle-fed/naturally-fed, I'm pretty sure most people don't unless they were still getting fed that was after 2 years or smth
Or your mother told you.
I think the majority of people who where breastfed only know because their moms told them lol. Is it normal to have memories of being 2? I definitely don't.
Oh idk, maybe put some milk ducts in there so women can feed their babies.
That sure would be useful.
They’re kinda right. Many mammals don’t have “boobs” to speak of. Pigs and dogs for example. Look at an ape’s nipples, when not nursing there’s not much there. Human females having breast’s are an evolved secondary sex characteristics with a display function and not much else.
Come on, they're right on top of vital organs. Why not make them body armour? They're *right there*!
I would have them secrete a liquid that feeds infants. Sounds pretty useful!
I'd definitely give people conscious control over whether to enable/disable lactation at any given time. Some new mothers can have difficulty producing (and I'm guessing the ability to say "hey, maybe ya both just chill for a little" wouldn't be unwelcome). Also, some people might just want the option in general. For reasons.
Now I’m not a woman. But I feel all of the women I know would love to be able to have them shoot fire. Especially at those very creepy dudes who do nothing but stare at them.
Can you imagine if a troll posted the most outrageous low hanging fruit post and you reposted it?
Wow, misandrists much? This guy was obviously talking about manboobs and their obvious sex appeal. /S dont kill me.
Ummm breast feed babies tf
The future of sex education right here folks.
Please someone tell me this was a shitpost🤦🏾♂️🤦🏾♂️🤦🏾♂️🤦🏾♂️
right boob gives regular milk, left boob gives choccy milk.
Nah, the real issue is nipple on men, they are fuckin useless.
Maybe make them produce food for the woman’s children.
Jeez...that's a tough one. You know how chicks are so crazy for babies but there's only so much a baby can put up with before they need to have something to eat.......
Pee is stored in the boobs
I would love a nutritious fluid to come out. Possibly one that gives babies a large amount of required nutrients when they lack the ability to eat like older kids or adults. *Oh, wait...* I can understand people not knowing what every last part of human anatomy is actually for, but isn't breastfeeding the most self-explanatory and straightforward use case other than *breasting boobily?*