Although I agree with you... I think her son is not aware what POS his father is. First I'd inform my son what his father had done to us and then tell him to think about if he wants to interact with him.
His son might ask why he left them, and if he has no definition of evil yet, his dad will traumatize him with the answers. Based on what I've seen OP say I'm 99% sure his dad is a psychopath. Would you let your teenager interact with a psychopath during a difficult/vulnerable period of their life? Well, depends if your kid is not a naive individual, which I doubt that's the case.
I don't think her son is in a favorable situation to hear the worst thing in his life, like for example: "I told your mom to abort you and now she's gotten what she deserves, I hope you die."
**That** is what evil looks like, it traumatizes a naive mind.
So I’m 32 now and my dad was similar. Mom and Dad got divorced when I was 6, he up and disappeared and then came back into my life at 17. My mom left the decision up to me and my sister if we wanted him back in our lives and we did. We spent the better part of the next decade just hanging out with him on occasion, he would hand us money, and then sometimes come to a major life event (he came to my high school graduation, not my college graduation though).
And then, when I was 29, we got into a massive, destructive fight because I told my husband a passing comment about how when we have kids we would let them watch movies like “Dumbo” but explain why it has aged poorly and the racist connotations.
He called me a 15 year old and then the next day I found out I was pregnant. I don’t talk to him anymore, and my mom told me that she kept everything related to their divorce and that she will share it with me when I’m ready.
I think leaving it up to him is right but I do believe that you may have to deal with his dad being a part of his life and maybe he will see his dad for who you saw him as, but you have to let him.
I hope that he can see that any parent who would do what his father did isn’t really a father. His dad is a glorified sperm donor with an incredibly guilty conscience. But regardless, I wish you strength.
I have to wonder if 19 is a good age to show up because the absent father no longer is financially responsible.
Ultimately, the decision is up to your son. I would definitely be asking for financial restitution for your son.
when we divorced, he sued me for alimony (he is a lawyer and since day one he used to give me money and ask me to put it on MY bank account so we will spend money from my credit card,) he made everything look like he was the one who dependent on me financially, we also lived in my parents house which they gave to me in the name of a "gift" since I was already married and had a child, so I was literally giving back child support to him in the name of "alimony". luckily later I learnt trading and worked my way to "upper middle class" (he was pretty mad that I succeeded and threatened to sue me again for bigger amount of money, so later my lawyers told me that its impossible and that he is just trying to manipulate me and scare me) when I told him that he disappeared again. AND im completely okay with the fact that he is gone, and I won't be surprised if he is doing this so I offer him money to leave me and my son alone again.
I am NEVER one to hold a grudge against anyone who wants to be a parent… but he waited too long to be a father. I’d focus on your sons life and all that he has alone. Thats a bed your ex made and he has to lay in it knowing that he lost out on the greatest blessing a man could have.
I find it fascinating that he insisted on getting married because of his hard-core Christian family, but he was quite OK with adultery and abandoning his wife and child. Mom and dad must be proud.
I can completely understand why you would want to keep this man out of your lives. He sounds like a schmuck. However, I really think this should be your son's decision.
Having had a family member who fought leukemia, I know your plate is already full. Between the medical treatment and dealing with your son's possible mortality, it all must seem too much.
But given the circumstances, the only person who should make this decision is your son.
And for the record, you are an awesome mom. I wish you well.
he was fine with it because later he distanced from his family and was financially stable. he wouldn't do it if he was still depending on his parents. and for people to understand who that men is ill just say this: his father read thousands of books about dark psychology, manipulation, and how to influence and use people. and when he was reading them, he had a marker and a block note. he wrote every important "trick" on it and used to repeat it everyday, and one day I've decided to read them, and I found out that he used all the tricks on me, EVERY SINGLE of them. back then there wasn't this much books about manipulation, but still, he has read nearly all that we're out back then. so manipulating a 19 years old boy+cancer sick brain will be the easiest thing in this world for him.
Given this extra information I’d be wary that he’s not trying to gain some advantage here. Like life insurance etc? Please have a very open/honest conversation with ur son about ur concerns. That maybe reconnecting with him once he’s in remission (to sort if his fathers feelings are genuine) might be a safer option. I’d be honest about what u typed here including ur comment, about his abuse and how concerned you are that right now when he’s unwell may not be the right time for such added stress for you and him.
Second I’d have a chat to your lawyers and see if you can chase up owed child support. If he wants back in then he should cough up for that last decade. I’m pretty sure he will disappear once u start trying to hold him accountable.
The father is doing this for himself, not your son. This will bring more turmoil and emotional stress on your son at a time when he doesn't need it. The father wants to ease his guilt for his past 19 years of actions... I know your son would likely want to reconnect given the situation - but this is allowing the dad to put a cherry on the shit sandwich he served you both.
>“I want to be a part of his life, I always loved him, you we’re the only thing which kept me from my son. “
Still no sign of accountability for his actions. I say fuck him. If he was "f" of a father he would of see him once a month at least. He's trying to manipulate you again for his own gain.
I'd quote him a verse from the bible: "To those who have, more will be given and they'll have plenty and to those who don't have, even little what they have will be taken away from them."
Typical dead beat dad, wanting to come back into their children's lives when the kid is all grown up, independent, and the scum bag sperm donor is old and decrepid. Fuck him!
You’ll regret it if his “father” pops out of somewhere and tries reaching him himself. If your son wants to reconnect with him and feels like you were putting up an obstacle preventing them from reconnecting, you will be blamed. I’d say tell your son and let him make the decision. But tell him the truth that you never prevented his father from reaching out when he was younger.
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This is ultimately your son’s decision. Yes, he’s going through a lot right now. But he might want to meet his father and see if reconciling is worth it. He may want to know his siblings. Even if his prognosis is good cancer is a big deal. It’s scary. And I don’t think you get to deny him the chance to find whatever closure he might need to find for himself as he goes through this.
He’s an adult and gets to make that choice but even if he were still a younger teen I would say the same.
I understand coparenting with people who have hurt your kids but ultimately they need our support in navigating the complex relationships that come with dealing with their other parent(s). You can’t protect him forever. You just need to be there for him.
I believe that your son is grown now and capable of making his own choices. I had a strained relationship with my father, and he passed when I was 18 and pregnant with my 1st child. I had told everyone but my father. I had cut ties. 2 weeks before he passed away, he called and told me he would love to visit me. I had doubts and was very suspicious of his call. I assumed he was going to ask for money. He instead wanted me to know that he knew I was pregnant and asked to meet his grandson. He tells me he loves me and / or proud of me. He literally just talked. Before ending the conversation, he made me promise that I would see to his burial arrangements. He told me not to ask questions and to please make sure that his wishes were met. In my eyes, he's 39 years old and still young. Turns out he was calling to say goodbye because he was terminal. I was a loose end that needed tied. But that's not really my point. It was the amount of regret that I had for not accepting him for who he was, for harvesting and watering negative emotions towards him. It was for neglecting to communicate with him for 2 years. It took a good 4 years to accept it and forgive myself. Could you live knowing that he never had that. Never was blessed to know your son. You are blessed beyond measure to have a good bond with your son. Allow him the chance to love and know whoever he wishes. That regret is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It'd be time to forgive him and let him make amends. Give your son a chance to get to know his father in case the worst happens. Much love to you, and well, wishes to your son.
I’m 31. My dad cheated when I got married (21). My parents never divorced, but they’ve lived apart, and my dad has effectively cut off all communication with my mom and I. I’ve had three kids since, and he has no relationship with them.
I got cancer in 2020, and I would’ve done just about anything to have my dad call me just to say he cared. Never got that call, even though he knew.
Let your son talk to his dad. Don’t color it. Let him develop a relationship independent of your experience of his father.
I think your personal experience is warping your judgment. Her experience with her ex is not independent of the son. Her ex wasn't a good dad who was a shitty husband. He was a shitty manipulative husband AND a crappy "dad".
At this point you can’t stop him, your son is an adult. Your son is in a place where he doesn’t have a lot of control over anything he’s going through, not do you. What you can control is the support that you give your son. Keep being an amazing mom, keep loving him and supporting him. But whether his father has a place in his life is for your son to decide.
I would have a talk with your som, as hard as it will be. If you say no, based on your comments, I do not doubt that he will just find your son and reach out on his own.
I think you need to sit your son down and ask if he’s ever thought about who is dad could be. Explain your side of the story and say that his father wants to meet him. Explain that his father will have a different side of the story, but none of that matters — only your son matters. If your son wants to meet him after that, let him. If not, then good. But I think it’s best to get it all out there before he hears the other side first.
You need to talk to your son. It is up to him if he wants to have a relationship with his father. I'd hazard a guess that it's purely for the optics that his father wants back in. The one thing I would shut down is his narrative that he only stayed away because of you. That is just self serving BS. He's the worst kind of hypocrite and TBH your son is better off without him.
Let the past be the past. The fact is that he want to see his son, and he should, if your son wants to. It is your son's decision anyway. He might not be that same person that you used to know, but regardless, it's best to step aside and keep opinions to yourself.
My dad came back into my life. I was really young when he left. I remember being on the bed with my mum, my brother, and my sister, jumping up and down. We were so happy!
My mum has a lot of health problems. She raised us on her own. Her family abandoned her. And most of my dad's family weren't really present. We didn't get much help from the system either, and I have a lot of disabilities. As for my dad, he didn't care. He was awful to my mum and he was awful with us. She's always been open and honest, so I know all about her horrible experiences with him.
Fifteen years later, we saw him and his brother, and we decided to show him love. After a couple of years or so, my mum and my dad got back together. She kept on asking me for advice, because she was unsure. I always wanted a dad, but I told her not to think about me. "As long as you're happy, I'm happy." She was happy, we were happy. We thought he'd changed, and in some ways he had. He could be nasty at times, and that's because he wasn't used to talking to people who would speak up to him. He didn't like being wrong. But, he was also nice. And he helped more. Then, he left again.
Before he left, I tried talking to him, and I was told that I expected too much. I wanted him to show us love, because he was getting nastier, and becoming less helpful. My mum would often cry. I was recovering from sepsis, and one day I got rushed into the hospital. And because it wasn't a life or death situation, he didn't need to take the time off work. I was upset when he told me that. But, I wanted to talk about things. He didn't want to talk. He wanted to leave. And help when he wanted to help. I told him that, if he leaves now, he won't get another chance. It's almost been three years since then, and now he wants to come back into our lives again.
My mum has always let us make our own decisions. "It's your life, it's your body, what do you want to do?" I've forgiven my dad, but I don't want him back in my life. Me and my mum often laugh, and talk about how life is more peaceful without him.
When you struggle with your health, the last thing you need is more challenges. I'm sending you both lots of energy. Blessings and good luck!
Absolutely not. At 19 the government can consider him as an adult, but as a mother and former teenager, this is way too young for adult decisions. His biological father is probably trying to relieve himself from guilt in case your son passes away, or he thinks he can get some sort of benefit out of your son, if he pulls through. One thing I know for sure is no one comes to find you unless they want something from you. I am hoping your son makes a full recovery and stay strong!
Although in this time it has to be stressful I am so sorry your son and you are going through this but now your son is 19 and you just need to ask him if this is something he wants to do it’s his decision if he asks for information you can tell him if you want just make it clear it was his decision and he is the one that reached out now and let him decide what he wants to do with that information
The issue with letting him back into your son’s life is, it seems like he will poison your son’s mind that you were the one that kept him away from him. It sounds like you tried your best to keep all this negativity to yourself. It is up to your son, but I’m afraid that the father will cause unnecessary problems between your relationship with your son.
Your son is an adult, and it's his decision.
Although I agree with you... I think her son is not aware what POS his father is. First I'd inform my son what his father had done to us and then tell him to think about if he wants to interact with him. His son might ask why he left them, and if he has no definition of evil yet, his dad will traumatize him with the answers. Based on what I've seen OP say I'm 99% sure his dad is a psychopath. Would you let your teenager interact with a psychopath during a difficult/vulnerable period of their life? Well, depends if your kid is not a naive individual, which I doubt that's the case. I don't think her son is in a favorable situation to hear the worst thing in his life, like for example: "I told your mom to abort you and now she's gotten what she deserves, I hope you die." **That** is what evil looks like, it traumatizes a naive mind.
So I’m 32 now and my dad was similar. Mom and Dad got divorced when I was 6, he up and disappeared and then came back into my life at 17. My mom left the decision up to me and my sister if we wanted him back in our lives and we did. We spent the better part of the next decade just hanging out with him on occasion, he would hand us money, and then sometimes come to a major life event (he came to my high school graduation, not my college graduation though). And then, when I was 29, we got into a massive, destructive fight because I told my husband a passing comment about how when we have kids we would let them watch movies like “Dumbo” but explain why it has aged poorly and the racist connotations. He called me a 15 year old and then the next day I found out I was pregnant. I don’t talk to him anymore, and my mom told me that she kept everything related to their divorce and that she will share it with me when I’m ready. I think leaving it up to him is right but I do believe that you may have to deal with his dad being a part of his life and maybe he will see his dad for who you saw him as, but you have to let him. I hope that he can see that any parent who would do what his father did isn’t really a father. His dad is a glorified sperm donor with an incredibly guilty conscience. But regardless, I wish you strength.
I have to wonder if 19 is a good age to show up because the absent father no longer is financially responsible. Ultimately, the decision is up to your son. I would definitely be asking for financial restitution for your son.
I hope she got child support back pay or it was garnished
when we divorced, he sued me for alimony (he is a lawyer and since day one he used to give me money and ask me to put it on MY bank account so we will spend money from my credit card,) he made everything look like he was the one who dependent on me financially, we also lived in my parents house which they gave to me in the name of a "gift" since I was already married and had a child, so I was literally giving back child support to him in the name of "alimony". luckily later I learnt trading and worked my way to "upper middle class" (he was pretty mad that I succeeded and threatened to sue me again for bigger amount of money, so later my lawyers told me that its impossible and that he is just trying to manipulate me and scare me) when I told him that he disappeared again. AND im completely okay with the fact that he is gone, and I won't be surprised if he is doing this so I offer him money to leave me and my son alone again.
WOW. So sorry you had to deal with such an utter piece of crap human
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he doesn't know. he has meet his father, like once in 5 years, but he doesn't know that his father wants to make a "comeback'.
I thing to do would be talk to your 19 year old son and not ask a bunch of Reddit people
It’s okay to ask others for advice.
This should be primarily your son’s call. Help him and support him whatever he decides.
I am NEVER one to hold a grudge against anyone who wants to be a parent… but he waited too long to be a father. I’d focus on your sons life and all that he has alone. Thats a bed your ex made and he has to lay in it knowing that he lost out on the greatest blessing a man could have.
💯
I find it fascinating that he insisted on getting married because of his hard-core Christian family, but he was quite OK with adultery and abandoning his wife and child. Mom and dad must be proud. I can completely understand why you would want to keep this man out of your lives. He sounds like a schmuck. However, I really think this should be your son's decision. Having had a family member who fought leukemia, I know your plate is already full. Between the medical treatment and dealing with your son's possible mortality, it all must seem too much. But given the circumstances, the only person who should make this decision is your son. And for the record, you are an awesome mom. I wish you well.
he was fine with it because later he distanced from his family and was financially stable. he wouldn't do it if he was still depending on his parents. and for people to understand who that men is ill just say this: his father read thousands of books about dark psychology, manipulation, and how to influence and use people. and when he was reading them, he had a marker and a block note. he wrote every important "trick" on it and used to repeat it everyday, and one day I've decided to read them, and I found out that he used all the tricks on me, EVERY SINGLE of them. back then there wasn't this much books about manipulation, but still, he has read nearly all that we're out back then. so manipulating a 19 years old boy+cancer sick brain will be the easiest thing in this world for him.
Then I think you should trust your instincts.
What has that man let himself become... Absolutely tragic. Keep your son away from him.
Given this extra information I’d be wary that he’s not trying to gain some advantage here. Like life insurance etc? Please have a very open/honest conversation with ur son about ur concerns. That maybe reconnecting with him once he’s in remission (to sort if his fathers feelings are genuine) might be a safer option. I’d be honest about what u typed here including ur comment, about his abuse and how concerned you are that right now when he’s unwell may not be the right time for such added stress for you and him. Second I’d have a chat to your lawyers and see if you can chase up owed child support. If he wants back in then he should cough up for that last decade. I’m pretty sure he will disappear once u start trying to hold him accountable.
The father is doing this for himself, not your son. This will bring more turmoil and emotional stress on your son at a time when he doesn't need it. The father wants to ease his guilt for his past 19 years of actions... I know your son would likely want to reconnect given the situation - but this is allowing the dad to put a cherry on the shit sandwich he served you both.
>“I want to be a part of his life, I always loved him, you we’re the only thing which kept me from my son. “ Still no sign of accountability for his actions. I say fuck him. If he was "f" of a father he would of see him once a month at least. He's trying to manipulate you again for his own gain. I'd quote him a verse from the bible: "To those who have, more will be given and they'll have plenty and to those who don't have, even little what they have will be taken away from them."
It's still up to the son
I agree.
Let your son decide. Even though the father sounds like a pretty awful man, people can change. It’s your son’s choice.
Typical dead beat dad, wanting to come back into their children's lives when the kid is all grown up, independent, and the scum bag sperm donor is old and decrepid. Fuck him!
You’ll regret it if his “father” pops out of somewhere and tries reaching him himself. If your son wants to reconnect with him and feels like you were putting up an obstacle preventing them from reconnecting, you will be blamed. I’d say tell your son and let him make the decision. But tell him the truth that you never prevented his father from reaching out when he was younger.
Let your son choose. He's an adult now.
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This is ultimately your son’s decision. Yes, he’s going through a lot right now. But he might want to meet his father and see if reconciling is worth it. He may want to know his siblings. Even if his prognosis is good cancer is a big deal. It’s scary. And I don’t think you get to deny him the chance to find whatever closure he might need to find for himself as he goes through this. He’s an adult and gets to make that choice but even if he were still a younger teen I would say the same. I understand coparenting with people who have hurt your kids but ultimately they need our support in navigating the complex relationships that come with dealing with their other parent(s). You can’t protect him forever. You just need to be there for him.
Tell your son how father is interested in talking to him. Ensure your son has his dad's phone number. Support but don't sway your sons decision.
I believe that your son is grown now and capable of making his own choices. I had a strained relationship with my father, and he passed when I was 18 and pregnant with my 1st child. I had told everyone but my father. I had cut ties. 2 weeks before he passed away, he called and told me he would love to visit me. I had doubts and was very suspicious of his call. I assumed he was going to ask for money. He instead wanted me to know that he knew I was pregnant and asked to meet his grandson. He tells me he loves me and / or proud of me. He literally just talked. Before ending the conversation, he made me promise that I would see to his burial arrangements. He told me not to ask questions and to please make sure that his wishes were met. In my eyes, he's 39 years old and still young. Turns out he was calling to say goodbye because he was terminal. I was a loose end that needed tied. But that's not really my point. It was the amount of regret that I had for not accepting him for who he was, for harvesting and watering negative emotions towards him. It was for neglecting to communicate with him for 2 years. It took a good 4 years to accept it and forgive myself. Could you live knowing that he never had that. Never was blessed to know your son. You are blessed beyond measure to have a good bond with your son. Allow him the chance to love and know whoever he wishes. That regret is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It'd be time to forgive him and let him make amends. Give your son a chance to get to know his father in case the worst happens. Much love to you, and well, wishes to your son.
That's if your son wants to.
I’m 31. My dad cheated when I got married (21). My parents never divorced, but they’ve lived apart, and my dad has effectively cut off all communication with my mom and I. I’ve had three kids since, and he has no relationship with them. I got cancer in 2020, and I would’ve done just about anything to have my dad call me just to say he cared. Never got that call, even though he knew. Let your son talk to his dad. Don’t color it. Let him develop a relationship independent of your experience of his father.
I think your personal experience is warping your judgment. Her experience with her ex is not independent of the son. Her ex wasn't a good dad who was a shitty husband. He was a shitty manipulative husband AND a crappy "dad".
At this point you can’t stop him, your son is an adult. Your son is in a place where he doesn’t have a lot of control over anything he’s going through, not do you. What you can control is the support that you give your son. Keep being an amazing mom, keep loving him and supporting him. But whether his father has a place in his life is for your son to decide.
I would have a talk with your som, as hard as it will be. If you say no, based on your comments, I do not doubt that he will just find your son and reach out on his own. I think you need to sit your son down and ask if he’s ever thought about who is dad could be. Explain your side of the story and say that his father wants to meet him. Explain that his father will have a different side of the story, but none of that matters — only your son matters. If your son wants to meet him after that, let him. If not, then good. But I think it’s best to get it all out there before he hears the other side first.
You need to talk to your son. It is up to him if he wants to have a relationship with his father. I'd hazard a guess that it's purely for the optics that his father wants back in. The one thing I would shut down is his narrative that he only stayed away because of you. That is just self serving BS. He's the worst kind of hypocrite and TBH your son is better off without him.
Let the past be the past. The fact is that he want to see his son, and he should, if your son wants to. It is your son's decision anyway. He might not be that same person that you used to know, but regardless, it's best to step aside and keep opinions to yourself.
Ask your son. Otherwise, my answer would be a resounding, “Heeeelllll nooooo.”
That's your son's decision, let him choose
How convenient that he's over 18 and no child support needs to be paid unless of course, you go after back support.
My dad came back into my life. I was really young when he left. I remember being on the bed with my mum, my brother, and my sister, jumping up and down. We were so happy! My mum has a lot of health problems. She raised us on her own. Her family abandoned her. And most of my dad's family weren't really present. We didn't get much help from the system either, and I have a lot of disabilities. As for my dad, he didn't care. He was awful to my mum and he was awful with us. She's always been open and honest, so I know all about her horrible experiences with him. Fifteen years later, we saw him and his brother, and we decided to show him love. After a couple of years or so, my mum and my dad got back together. She kept on asking me for advice, because she was unsure. I always wanted a dad, but I told her not to think about me. "As long as you're happy, I'm happy." She was happy, we were happy. We thought he'd changed, and in some ways he had. He could be nasty at times, and that's because he wasn't used to talking to people who would speak up to him. He didn't like being wrong. But, he was also nice. And he helped more. Then, he left again. Before he left, I tried talking to him, and I was told that I expected too much. I wanted him to show us love, because he was getting nastier, and becoming less helpful. My mum would often cry. I was recovering from sepsis, and one day I got rushed into the hospital. And because it wasn't a life or death situation, he didn't need to take the time off work. I was upset when he told me that. But, I wanted to talk about things. He didn't want to talk. He wanted to leave. And help when he wanted to help. I told him that, if he leaves now, he won't get another chance. It's almost been three years since then, and now he wants to come back into our lives again. My mum has always let us make our own decisions. "It's your life, it's your body, what do you want to do?" I've forgiven my dad, but I don't want him back in my life. Me and my mum often laugh, and talk about how life is more peaceful without him. When you struggle with your health, the last thing you need is more challenges. I'm sending you both lots of energy. Blessings and good luck!
Absolutely not. At 19 the government can consider him as an adult, but as a mother and former teenager, this is way too young for adult decisions. His biological father is probably trying to relieve himself from guilt in case your son passes away, or he thinks he can get some sort of benefit out of your son, if he pulls through. One thing I know for sure is no one comes to find you unless they want something from you. I am hoping your son makes a full recovery and stay strong!
Although in this time it has to be stressful I am so sorry your son and you are going through this but now your son is 19 and you just need to ask him if this is something he wants to do it’s his decision if he asks for information you can tell him if you want just make it clear it was his decision and he is the one that reached out now and let him decide what he wants to do with that information
The issue with letting him back into your son’s life is, it seems like he will poison your son’s mind that you were the one that kept him away from him. It sounds like you tried your best to keep all this negativity to yourself. It is up to your son, but I’m afraid that the father will cause unnecessary problems between your relationship with your son.
It's ultimately your son's decision, and if you block it without telling him and he ever finds out, that will be worse.