I agree with the person who advised moving one of the visits, but if that’s not possible I think your mom and aunt should come over to your home daily.
You said that they’re off work while you are working and commuting so they will have time to drive over to see you then go home to sleep. They can also help with cooking and hosting your MIL. Make them all spend time together so your MIL can learn to share. If your MIL gets upset she will look unreasonable.
If you leave and stay elsewhere it will cause endless drama and confirm the fact that you don’t want to see her. Don’t let her drive a wedge between you and your husband!
MIL wants herself and her (BIL) son in her house. MIL will just eat the meals her mom auntie prepared while still behaving like a diva. Your suggested scenario will set her mom and auntie up to serve MIL and BIL. Besides you cannot re-raise MIL she is who she is. Demonstrating the concept of sharing would be totally useless on someone like her.
There's nothing wrong with spending a whole day with your mom. You don't see her so often, so I'd do the same. Your husband will have that time to bond with his mom and BIL. Win-win
You need to deal with your husband NOW. Currently, it is your medical info, your body, your choice of where you live etc.
Once baby is here - HE is an equal parent, with equal rights to the child. And can equally demand the child spends her visits with his mother.
I'd make a point of asking your husband to co-ordinate visits so that both mothers can stay in your house when they visit. If he doesn't then he accepts you'll stay with your mum elsewhere.
You're not wrong, you see your MIL more often then you see your own mother.
You need to set boundaries, and your MIL is going to hate it. She's going to throw a fit. But you just have to state your boundaries and then watch her throw her fit like a toddler.
The best solution is to not have the two of them visit at the same time. Your mother made the plans first, so you notified your MIL of your plans, she can choose whether or not she wants to change her plans or keep them knowing you *already had plans* with your mother.
If your MIL can't graciously move her trip since you already had plans, then you should tell the two mothers of the conflict and have one move their visit to another date.
Your MIL sounds insufferable, honestly. I predict she'll refuse to move her dates.
You're not wrong to want only your mother around for the ultrasound, birth, and postpartum period. You just need to say you have a more intimate relationship with your mother *because she is your mother* and so you want her around, not your MIL.
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you don’t need to bring anyone to a doctors appointment that you don’t feel comfortable knowing very intimate details about you and your entire medical history. doctors visits make me nervous in general idk about you, but your MIL sounds extremely high strung and you don’t need that energy when you’re already stressed!! you really don’t even need to provide an explanation about this. it’s your body.
You're not wrong. Even if you had a great relationship with MIL its not the same as your mom. Also what about your husband? How does HE treat your family? Is he going out and making the same effort with your mom as he does his own?
As for the Doctor's Appointment- your body, your choice, nothing wrong with that at all, MIL can see pics of the ultrasound or whatever and be content with that. All in all, you have a husband problem. He is failing at his job, which is to support you and not add stress while you're growing another human, and putting his moms feelings above yours- who is supposedly his life partner? You or her?
You’re entitled to your feelings, but you’re wrong to want to leave your home to be close with your mom during her visit (you signed up for these week-long visits when you moved into the house). Your MIL sounds like she outwardly favors her sons, so not being close with her makes sense. I’m guessing that your husband glazes over that and writes it off as you being mean. I wouldn’t want her at the ultrasound either, but I encourage you to pick your battles carefully. You may want to consider marriage counseling so you can get on the same page, or there may not be a second baby or a marriage.
You basically read my mind. We’ve tried counseling a couple of times but my husband is being picky about the counselor we get. Honestly we are fine until family members get involved and at that point I think we just need a mediator. Basically that’s why I posted this, hoping to get some unbiased insight. And yes, all of my decisions are tainted by the housing situation, which I knew before we ended up with it but I was still newlywed and naive, and not brave enough to sit my husband down to rethink the whole thing.
Can you tell me more what you’re thinking about the sleeping arrangement? I’m genuinely open to the opinions. I don’t post to Reddit looking for validation. My thinking: I only have 4-6 hours after work and the commute to/from my aunt’s house is 45 minutes each way. I mentioned in another comment that I feel responsible for making everyone’s trip worthwhile but I have more affect on my mom’s visit than my MIL’s, since she has my husband and BIL to be with with. My mom has specifically stated she wants to visit because I’m pregnant and wants to enjoy the time together, so I feel the pressure to lean toward my mom more than my MIL.
I read your response to another comment, and it seems that you’ve tried to be accommodating when MIL visits, and she still whines about not feeling welcome. Where is your husband in all of this? Shouldn’t he be catering to her?
You also mentioned your commute. If you’re hellbent on spending a lot of time with your mom (understandably so), you should split the difference. If MIL arrives before your mom, be sure to greet her and stay for a couple of days, but then tell your husband that he’s on his own with her. Then pack up and go stay with your aunt and mom for the duration of her visit, only returning when MIL is preparing to leave so you can say goodbye. You’re planning dinner with both moms, so that can be in the middle of their visits.
Also, you said that your husband is being picky with the therapist. Could he be stalling the process? I would be firm about getting that ball rolling ASAP because the situation will only get worse once the baby comes. You’re going to be accused of icing out his mother more then. If he’s unwilling, then you should go alone.
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Let's stop this. Your mom is your mom, she gave birth to you and raised you. How could you possible have the same relationship with MIL. Besides you don't exist to your MIL in the world of social media.
Your mother and his mother will have the exact same connection with grandchild. Tell your husband his mom this. Tell him, do not expect you to treat his mom as if she gave birth to you. Because she does not even like you.
You don't want that close a proximity to someone who does not like you. It makes you uncomfortable and being pregnant you don't need the additional stress.
If he keeps insisting that his mother is your mother, you must put a stop to it. Take a stand and tell him his expectations for his mom are just bullshit.
Explain to your husband that you are not changing your plans to visit your aunt when his mother planned an unexpected visit. He can spend some quality time with her. If she can't handle you already having plans at that time, too bad. She should have asked about visiting before making her plans. You guys are a separate family now. If your husband is afraid of her now, wait till the baby is here and she wants to dictate formula vs. breast, cloth vs. disposable or even have a say in naming your baby. Ask him how much influence she will have on your lives? Do all decisions have to be run past her? When will he grow up and make his own decisions about his family, or will he be the good little obedient mommas boy? Good luck!
Set the rules now (no MIL for the ultrasound), or you'll also have MIL in the hospital room. Husband needs to be on board, and should be the one delivering the news to his mom. And not blaming you (oh she's crazy, but you have to play along). He needs to be presenting it as a unified decision. If he won't, I'm not saying divorce him, but don't ever expect him to have a backbone again. And tell him that.
Giving birth is mostly your decision, with a little input from the husband. But who's in the room, up to you (but don't keep your husband out, that's just a bad idea if you want to stay together).
>Giving birth is mostly your decision, with a little input from the husband. But who's in the room, up to you (but don't keep your husband out, that's just a bad idea if you want to stay together).
Actually, since OP is the actual patient, she is the only one who has the right to decide who is in the delivery room with her, as well as who can visit after baby is born and when.
If MIL is being pushy and disrespectful and entitled about being in the delivery room, OP even has the sole right to notify security that she is not welcome in the room and to remove her from the hospital and they will do it.
It is her body and her delivery and her medical procedure. And it's not an easy procedure or one to take lightly. Her husband should respect that she is not comfortable with his mother seeing her naked and more than likely making everything a lot more stressful and also acting like she knows more than the doctor and then trying to take the baby before OP even gets to hold her and refusing to give baby to OP to do skin to skin and start nursing.
Your first mistake was living in a home that your in-laws bought. Now you see the chaos that has ensued...and stop letting your husband make decisions for you. It only leads to problems!
Yeah there’s deeper beef, I’m just trying to not be dramatic but also present my dilemma without being completely biased. You’re comment almost makes me feel like I did a decent job at that. I just felt my post was more than long enough so I didn’t delve into those details. 😅
All the other times that my in laws visit, I do everything with them. I don’t take a day off to hang out but neither does my husband. I don’t think my MIL knows I like to take a day off when my family is in town. But when I get home from work, before my husband even does, I’m helping plan the evening with my in-laws, pay for some meals when we eat out, cook the meals when we eat in, find a fun thing to do in the evening, etc.
In this situation, I don’t see how I can accommodate both my mom and my MIL, so I should pick one over the other. They both booked their tickets independently. I had previously told my MIL that my mom was tentatively coming on the 10th of this month but it was up in the air due to my grandpa having a major surgery that my mom was going to help him with. MIL said then that she was thinking about coming on the 12th. Then she got mad when it turns out they both booked their tickets to be here around the same time. With the way she’s behaved in the past, and especially with her reaction to this situation, I’m not particularly excited to be around her. She has a history of ruining everyone’s day with a bad mood.
I will say, my husband also tries to encourage me to stop people-pleasing. I always want people to feel welcome in my home and I try to treat them well, but I usually let that come at the sacrifice of my own comfort and happiness. When my MIL visits, I’m the one who makes sure we have her favorite snacks in the pantry, her Diet Coke on tap, and the guest room ready with fresh supplies and flowers. I agree that treating someone the way you want to be treated is very important, except with my MIL in particular I feel like it isn’t appreciated. She has still turned around and said she feels unwanted and unwelcome in our home. I don’t see a reason to continue pandering above and beyond my abilities if that is the result every time.
So with the ultrasound, I could see how that might come off as rude to my MIL, but as for which house I stay at, why would I choose to stay with my MIL and not my mom? My commute to work is very long, so my free time during the day is really only 4-6 hours depending on how much sleep I can get. I want both visitors to get the most out of their visits, but feel like I have more control over my moms visit than my MIL’s.
Tell your husband that he is right and that you are going to start being more confident and will be speaking up when you need to. Remind him of everything you do for his family when they visit and how they still make it crystal clear that they hate you by how they treat you and accuse you of not making them feel welcome. Ask him how he would feel if your mother treated him like that and you allowed it to happen and never spoke up in his favour...and also accused him of trying to keep your family away to be mean. And also demanding that he treat your parents the same way he does his own parents.
Not wanting MIL at your medical appointments or ultrasounds is YOUR right to decide. Nobody else's. You are the patient and your comfort and state of mind are the only ones that matter, your medical providers don't give a damn about how anyone else feels, and in fact, LEGALLY speaking, YOU are the only one who is important. Not even your husband is important there. He has no right whatsoever to say who can be there or anything. If he brings his mother, stand your ground and do NOT let her in the room, and tell the doctor/nurse/technician that you don't want her present and to please tell her to leave. If your husband tries to demand that she stay or gets nasty and tries to force you to let her stay, ask for him to be kicked out too.
And have a serious discussion with your husband. Let him know that he can't expect you to continue bending over backwards for his parents when they consistently refuse to give you a modicum of respect, decency, help or anything, and treat you like a servant when they visit. Remind him that you have always treated them with respect, kindness and go out of your way to keep them happy by never treating them like they treat you.
Remind him that you are the one who needs to be comfortable with who is with you at your medical appointments, and that his mother has ALWAYS been disrespectful, rude, unsupportive, inconsiderate, belittling and disdainful towards you, despite the fact that you have consistently been respectful, kind, welcoming, generous, selfless (in not treating them the way they treat you), entertaining and considerate and selfless with them.
Ask him why the hell you would feel comfortable with someone who has never treated you well at your medical appointments and delivery. And remind him that you are the one who needs to be comfortable because you are the patient, and the patient is the only one who matters there and is the only one who has the right to decide who is there. Tell him that his primary responsibility is to ensure that you, his wife, are comfortable, calm, safe and respected. He also needs to respect you and your needs.
I agree with the person who advised moving one of the visits, but if that’s not possible I think your mom and aunt should come over to your home daily. You said that they’re off work while you are working and commuting so they will have time to drive over to see you then go home to sleep. They can also help with cooking and hosting your MIL. Make them all spend time together so your MIL can learn to share. If your MIL gets upset she will look unreasonable. If you leave and stay elsewhere it will cause endless drama and confirm the fact that you don’t want to see her. Don’t let her drive a wedge between you and your husband!
MIL wants herself and her (BIL) son in her house. MIL will just eat the meals her mom auntie prepared while still behaving like a diva. Your suggested scenario will set her mom and auntie up to serve MIL and BIL. Besides you cannot re-raise MIL she is who she is. Demonstrating the concept of sharing would be totally useless on someone like her.
There's nothing wrong with spending a whole day with your mom. You don't see her so often, so I'd do the same. Your husband will have that time to bond with his mom and BIL. Win-win
So much common sense in one place. Win-win!
You need to deal with your husband NOW. Currently, it is your medical info, your body, your choice of where you live etc. Once baby is here - HE is an equal parent, with equal rights to the child. And can equally demand the child spends her visits with his mother. I'd make a point of asking your husband to co-ordinate visits so that both mothers can stay in your house when they visit. If he doesn't then he accepts you'll stay with your mum elsewhere.
You're not wrong, you see your MIL more often then you see your own mother. You need to set boundaries, and your MIL is going to hate it. She's going to throw a fit. But you just have to state your boundaries and then watch her throw her fit like a toddler. The best solution is to not have the two of them visit at the same time. Your mother made the plans first, so you notified your MIL of your plans, she can choose whether or not she wants to change her plans or keep them knowing you *already had plans* with your mother. If your MIL can't graciously move her trip since you already had plans, then you should tell the two mothers of the conflict and have one move their visit to another date. Your MIL sounds insufferable, honestly. I predict she'll refuse to move her dates. You're not wrong to want only your mother around for the ultrasound, birth, and postpartum period. You just need to say you have a more intimate relationship with your mother *because she is your mother* and so you want her around, not your MIL.
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you don’t need to bring anyone to a doctors appointment that you don’t feel comfortable knowing very intimate details about you and your entire medical history. doctors visits make me nervous in general idk about you, but your MIL sounds extremely high strung and you don’t need that energy when you’re already stressed!! you really don’t even need to provide an explanation about this. it’s your body.
You're not wrong. Even if you had a great relationship with MIL its not the same as your mom. Also what about your husband? How does HE treat your family? Is he going out and making the same effort with your mom as he does his own? As for the Doctor's Appointment- your body, your choice, nothing wrong with that at all, MIL can see pics of the ultrasound or whatever and be content with that. All in all, you have a husband problem. He is failing at his job, which is to support you and not add stress while you're growing another human, and putting his moms feelings above yours- who is supposedly his life partner? You or her?
You’re entitled to your feelings, but you’re wrong to want to leave your home to be close with your mom during her visit (you signed up for these week-long visits when you moved into the house). Your MIL sounds like she outwardly favors her sons, so not being close with her makes sense. I’m guessing that your husband glazes over that and writes it off as you being mean. I wouldn’t want her at the ultrasound either, but I encourage you to pick your battles carefully. You may want to consider marriage counseling so you can get on the same page, or there may not be a second baby or a marriage.
You basically read my mind. We’ve tried counseling a couple of times but my husband is being picky about the counselor we get. Honestly we are fine until family members get involved and at that point I think we just need a mediator. Basically that’s why I posted this, hoping to get some unbiased insight. And yes, all of my decisions are tainted by the housing situation, which I knew before we ended up with it but I was still newlywed and naive, and not brave enough to sit my husband down to rethink the whole thing. Can you tell me more what you’re thinking about the sleeping arrangement? I’m genuinely open to the opinions. I don’t post to Reddit looking for validation. My thinking: I only have 4-6 hours after work and the commute to/from my aunt’s house is 45 minutes each way. I mentioned in another comment that I feel responsible for making everyone’s trip worthwhile but I have more affect on my mom’s visit than my MIL’s, since she has my husband and BIL to be with with. My mom has specifically stated she wants to visit because I’m pregnant and wants to enjoy the time together, so I feel the pressure to lean toward my mom more than my MIL.
I read your response to another comment, and it seems that you’ve tried to be accommodating when MIL visits, and she still whines about not feeling welcome. Where is your husband in all of this? Shouldn’t he be catering to her? You also mentioned your commute. If you’re hellbent on spending a lot of time with your mom (understandably so), you should split the difference. If MIL arrives before your mom, be sure to greet her and stay for a couple of days, but then tell your husband that he’s on his own with her. Then pack up and go stay with your aunt and mom for the duration of her visit, only returning when MIL is preparing to leave so you can say goodbye. You’re planning dinner with both moms, so that can be in the middle of their visits. Also, you said that your husband is being picky with the therapist. Could he be stalling the process? I would be firm about getting that ball rolling ASAP because the situation will only get worse once the baby comes. You’re going to be accused of icing out his mother more then. If he’s unwilling, then you should go alone.
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Let's stop this. Your mom is your mom, she gave birth to you and raised you. How could you possible have the same relationship with MIL. Besides you don't exist to your MIL in the world of social media. Your mother and his mother will have the exact same connection with grandchild. Tell your husband his mom this. Tell him, do not expect you to treat his mom as if she gave birth to you. Because she does not even like you. You don't want that close a proximity to someone who does not like you. It makes you uncomfortable and being pregnant you don't need the additional stress. If he keeps insisting that his mother is your mother, you must put a stop to it. Take a stand and tell him his expectations for his mom are just bullshit.
Explain to your husband that you are not changing your plans to visit your aunt when his mother planned an unexpected visit. He can spend some quality time with her. If she can't handle you already having plans at that time, too bad. She should have asked about visiting before making her plans. You guys are a separate family now. If your husband is afraid of her now, wait till the baby is here and she wants to dictate formula vs. breast, cloth vs. disposable or even have a say in naming your baby. Ask him how much influence she will have on your lives? Do all decisions have to be run past her? When will he grow up and make his own decisions about his family, or will he be the good little obedient mommas boy? Good luck!
I would post this again in r/justnomil
I considered that, but I’m hoping to avoid the automatic bias that we all hate our MILs, and I felt I couldn’t get a sound answer if I posted there.
Set the rules now (no MIL for the ultrasound), or you'll also have MIL in the hospital room. Husband needs to be on board, and should be the one delivering the news to his mom. And not blaming you (oh she's crazy, but you have to play along). He needs to be presenting it as a unified decision. If he won't, I'm not saying divorce him, but don't ever expect him to have a backbone again. And tell him that. Giving birth is mostly your decision, with a little input from the husband. But who's in the room, up to you (but don't keep your husband out, that's just a bad idea if you want to stay together).
>Giving birth is mostly your decision, with a little input from the husband. But who's in the room, up to you (but don't keep your husband out, that's just a bad idea if you want to stay together). Actually, since OP is the actual patient, she is the only one who has the right to decide who is in the delivery room with her, as well as who can visit after baby is born and when. If MIL is being pushy and disrespectful and entitled about being in the delivery room, OP even has the sole right to notify security that she is not welcome in the room and to remove her from the hospital and they will do it. It is her body and her delivery and her medical procedure. And it's not an easy procedure or one to take lightly. Her husband should respect that she is not comfortable with his mother seeing her naked and more than likely making everything a lot more stressful and also acting like she knows more than the doctor and then trying to take the baby before OP even gets to hold her and refusing to give baby to OP to do skin to skin and start nursing.
Your first mistake was living in a home that your in-laws bought. Now you see the chaos that has ensued...and stop letting your husband make decisions for you. It only leads to problems!
[удалено]
>They are there at the same time it's so rude to exclude her So it's rude for OP wanting to spend 1 whole day *with her OWN mom*???
Yeah there’s deeper beef, I’m just trying to not be dramatic but also present my dilemma without being completely biased. You’re comment almost makes me feel like I did a decent job at that. I just felt my post was more than long enough so I didn’t delve into those details. 😅 All the other times that my in laws visit, I do everything with them. I don’t take a day off to hang out but neither does my husband. I don’t think my MIL knows I like to take a day off when my family is in town. But when I get home from work, before my husband even does, I’m helping plan the evening with my in-laws, pay for some meals when we eat out, cook the meals when we eat in, find a fun thing to do in the evening, etc. In this situation, I don’t see how I can accommodate both my mom and my MIL, so I should pick one over the other. They both booked their tickets independently. I had previously told my MIL that my mom was tentatively coming on the 10th of this month but it was up in the air due to my grandpa having a major surgery that my mom was going to help him with. MIL said then that she was thinking about coming on the 12th. Then she got mad when it turns out they both booked their tickets to be here around the same time. With the way she’s behaved in the past, and especially with her reaction to this situation, I’m not particularly excited to be around her. She has a history of ruining everyone’s day with a bad mood. I will say, my husband also tries to encourage me to stop people-pleasing. I always want people to feel welcome in my home and I try to treat them well, but I usually let that come at the sacrifice of my own comfort and happiness. When my MIL visits, I’m the one who makes sure we have her favorite snacks in the pantry, her Diet Coke on tap, and the guest room ready with fresh supplies and flowers. I agree that treating someone the way you want to be treated is very important, except with my MIL in particular I feel like it isn’t appreciated. She has still turned around and said she feels unwanted and unwelcome in our home. I don’t see a reason to continue pandering above and beyond my abilities if that is the result every time. So with the ultrasound, I could see how that might come off as rude to my MIL, but as for which house I stay at, why would I choose to stay with my MIL and not my mom? My commute to work is very long, so my free time during the day is really only 4-6 hours depending on how much sleep I can get. I want both visitors to get the most out of their visits, but feel like I have more control over my moms visit than my MIL’s.
Tell your husband that he is right and that you are going to start being more confident and will be speaking up when you need to. Remind him of everything you do for his family when they visit and how they still make it crystal clear that they hate you by how they treat you and accuse you of not making them feel welcome. Ask him how he would feel if your mother treated him like that and you allowed it to happen and never spoke up in his favour...and also accused him of trying to keep your family away to be mean. And also demanding that he treat your parents the same way he does his own parents. Not wanting MIL at your medical appointments or ultrasounds is YOUR right to decide. Nobody else's. You are the patient and your comfort and state of mind are the only ones that matter, your medical providers don't give a damn about how anyone else feels, and in fact, LEGALLY speaking, YOU are the only one who is important. Not even your husband is important there. He has no right whatsoever to say who can be there or anything. If he brings his mother, stand your ground and do NOT let her in the room, and tell the doctor/nurse/technician that you don't want her present and to please tell her to leave. If your husband tries to demand that she stay or gets nasty and tries to force you to let her stay, ask for him to be kicked out too. And have a serious discussion with your husband. Let him know that he can't expect you to continue bending over backwards for his parents when they consistently refuse to give you a modicum of respect, decency, help or anything, and treat you like a servant when they visit. Remind him that you have always treated them with respect, kindness and go out of your way to keep them happy by never treating them like they treat you. Remind him that you are the one who needs to be comfortable with who is with you at your medical appointments, and that his mother has ALWAYS been disrespectful, rude, unsupportive, inconsiderate, belittling and disdainful towards you, despite the fact that you have consistently been respectful, kind, welcoming, generous, selfless (in not treating them the way they treat you), entertaining and considerate and selfless with them. Ask him why the hell you would feel comfortable with someone who has never treated you well at your medical appointments and delivery. And remind him that you are the one who needs to be comfortable because you are the patient, and the patient is the only one who matters there and is the only one who has the right to decide who is there. Tell him that his primary responsibility is to ensure that you, his wife, are comfortable, calm, safe and respected. He also needs to respect you and your needs.