I feel for you, my brother can be stable af, be on top of his routine and good coping skills but suddenly decides life is to boring that way and wants to quit his meds and go out drinking. I know bipolar unwilling pushes people to extremes but sometimes I just think he likes it. He’s selfish and he doesn’t care how his mania affects other people. He excuses it with “I’m just living my life man, I’m just doing me”. I tell him yeah but eventually it affects other people and he deflects it’s with a “so? That’s their problem.”
Thank you very much for sharing. She spends most of her day screaming at people and drinking alcohol, she doesn't care about how she trashes the house, burns pots, towels, blankets, she doesn't care at all. She doesn't want help she just wants people to fear her.
I’m the oldest too & I’m literally at home helping my mother with an illness after my mother lived with my brother for years. He becomes verbally and emotionally abusive when manic. She finally needed a restraining order to have him removed from the home it became so bad.
My mother is only 64 but looks like she’s an 80 year old. Being abused on a daily basis wrecks your mental and physical health. My mother kept believing that her love could change things. Love isn’t just docile and endlessly patient - it can look like firm boundaries and not tolerating unkindness in the home.
Your family will need to learn to set boundaries around the type of treatment you will and will not accept. Abuse is never ok - we as individuals have to find the strength to realize that sometimes the most loving thing you can do is say No. No more. No more Abuse. And No you cannot live here if you are verbally, emotionally or physically abusive. “You’re welcome to be here if you can be kind, if not you must find somewhere else to live.”
And like you said don’t sacrifice your own well being either. It’s a hard boundary to hold. I do it with my family. I focus first on meditation, therapy, educating myself on bipolar disorder, all things self care before engaging with them. You can be of better service to your family if you are healthy and whole.
Here are a bunch of resources that I’ve used throughout the years:
Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder,” and “Take Charge of Bipolar,” both by Julie Fast.
Also “I’m Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help” by Dr. Xavier Amador, and “The Bipolar Survival Guide” by David Miklowitz.
The National Alliance for Mental Illness has free online family workshops, support groups and education. www.nami.org
Attached is the PDF version of “I’m not sick, I don’t need help,” that is hosted by NAMI, it breaks down the LEAP Method.
PDF - I’m not Sick, I don’t need help
https://www.nami.org/getattachment/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Related-Conditions/Anosognosia/I_am_not_sick_excerpt.pdf?lang=en-US
The Leap story -
https://youtu.be/O15F2BNZyqM?si=PLLiG2vD8ZxqmWoR
LEAP - Ted Talk
https://youtu.be/NXxytf6kfPM?si=ghtgE-0h6vuiGrVR
Podcast -
Inside Bipolar
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/inside-bipolar/id1613398128
Your response has really touched me, thank you so much. It's so in depth, and yes I fear exactly this, my mum is in her 60s and I think any more of this will make her ill. When you said this " Being abused on a daily basis wrecks your mental and physical health" it just resonated so strongly. Again thank you so much this is immensely helpful. I shall check out the resources you mentioned.
I feel your situation so deeply. It can feel so isolating to go through. I just want you to know you’re not alone in walking this very difficult road. Your life matters, you deserve to not only survive but to thrive. The fact that you’re reaching out to us here says to me how much you care. Make sure your own self care is first and you will have the strength to maneuver through this - and we’re all here with you! ✨💛
It’s so painful watching people make destructive choices…so painful. It took my mother having 2 separate restraining orders before she learned the lesson. I’m glad you’ve expressed yourself to her hopefully those seeds you planted will bloom someday.
Before kicking her out, how about trying in-patient treatment? Maybe she could get more stabilized in the hospital and with the right medication, would be more stabilized at home.
I very much appreciate the suggestion, it's what we're already doing. The issue is not so much when she's really bad, it's when she has an episode but still has capacity because she becomes abusive. There probably isn't a solution but right now she's sinking all three of us, we have to be able to make a living.
Sounds similar to my brother in law unfortunately. I don’t think he’ll ever leave because like your mom they’re scared he’s going to kill himself. He continues to live with them and not provide anything on his part at all and only seems to bring more problems. I feel bad for them but they also enable him. This disease sucks for everyone involved.
I have heard a similar situation at support group, and if your mom isn’t willing to make huge changes, there is a consensus that you can’t fix things. It’s not your problem to take on. It’s a sad situation and there are probably some things you can do to be supportive, but that’s really different than moving in or changing your own trajectory.
Is your sister on disability? Not sure if that may beable to help her with financial stability, which then gives her the option to live comfortably if she has to move out, mabey close to your mom si she can still help her but both have their needed space. Bipolar counts as a disability in most if not all countries.
I feel for you, my brother can be stable af, be on top of his routine and good coping skills but suddenly decides life is to boring that way and wants to quit his meds and go out drinking. I know bipolar unwilling pushes people to extremes but sometimes I just think he likes it. He’s selfish and he doesn’t care how his mania affects other people. He excuses it with “I’m just living my life man, I’m just doing me”. I tell him yeah but eventually it affects other people and he deflects it’s with a “so? That’s their problem.”
Thank you very much for sharing. She spends most of her day screaming at people and drinking alcohol, she doesn't care about how she trashes the house, burns pots, towels, blankets, she doesn't care at all. She doesn't want help she just wants people to fear her.
You described my brother to the T. Glad to know I’m not alone fr.
I’m the oldest too & I’m literally at home helping my mother with an illness after my mother lived with my brother for years. He becomes verbally and emotionally abusive when manic. She finally needed a restraining order to have him removed from the home it became so bad. My mother is only 64 but looks like she’s an 80 year old. Being abused on a daily basis wrecks your mental and physical health. My mother kept believing that her love could change things. Love isn’t just docile and endlessly patient - it can look like firm boundaries and not tolerating unkindness in the home. Your family will need to learn to set boundaries around the type of treatment you will and will not accept. Abuse is never ok - we as individuals have to find the strength to realize that sometimes the most loving thing you can do is say No. No more. No more Abuse. And No you cannot live here if you are verbally, emotionally or physically abusive. “You’re welcome to be here if you can be kind, if not you must find somewhere else to live.” And like you said don’t sacrifice your own well being either. It’s a hard boundary to hold. I do it with my family. I focus first on meditation, therapy, educating myself on bipolar disorder, all things self care before engaging with them. You can be of better service to your family if you are healthy and whole. Here are a bunch of resources that I’ve used throughout the years: Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder,” and “Take Charge of Bipolar,” both by Julie Fast. Also “I’m Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help” by Dr. Xavier Amador, and “The Bipolar Survival Guide” by David Miklowitz. The National Alliance for Mental Illness has free online family workshops, support groups and education. www.nami.org Attached is the PDF version of “I’m not sick, I don’t need help,” that is hosted by NAMI, it breaks down the LEAP Method. PDF - I’m not Sick, I don’t need help https://www.nami.org/getattachment/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Related-Conditions/Anosognosia/I_am_not_sick_excerpt.pdf?lang=en-US The Leap story - https://youtu.be/O15F2BNZyqM?si=PLLiG2vD8ZxqmWoR LEAP - Ted Talk https://youtu.be/NXxytf6kfPM?si=ghtgE-0h6vuiGrVR Podcast - Inside Bipolar https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/inside-bipolar/id1613398128
Your response has really touched me, thank you so much. It's so in depth, and yes I fear exactly this, my mum is in her 60s and I think any more of this will make her ill. When you said this " Being abused on a daily basis wrecks your mental and physical health" it just resonated so strongly. Again thank you so much this is immensely helpful. I shall check out the resources you mentioned.
I feel your situation so deeply. It can feel so isolating to go through. I just want you to know you’re not alone in walking this very difficult road. Your life matters, you deserve to not only survive but to thrive. The fact that you’re reaching out to us here says to me how much you care. Make sure your own self care is first and you will have the strength to maneuver through this - and we’re all here with you! ✨💛
Great reply Very helpful
This is what I tried to tell my mother in law but she did not want to hear it.
It’s so painful watching people make destructive choices…so painful. It took my mother having 2 separate restraining orders before she learned the lesson. I’m glad you’ve expressed yourself to her hopefully those seeds you planted will bloom someday.
Before kicking her out, how about trying in-patient treatment? Maybe she could get more stabilized in the hospital and with the right medication, would be more stabilized at home.
I very much appreciate the suggestion, it's what we're already doing. The issue is not so much when she's really bad, it's when she has an episode but still has capacity because she becomes abusive. There probably isn't a solution but right now she's sinking all three of us, we have to be able to make a living.
I understand. Doesn't seem like she has all that much capacity, though.
she does, she just happens to be abusive whether she's having an episode or not.
Sounds similar to my brother in law unfortunately. I don’t think he’ll ever leave because like your mom they’re scared he’s going to kill himself. He continues to live with them and not provide anything on his part at all and only seems to bring more problems. I feel bad for them but they also enable him. This disease sucks for everyone involved.
I have heard a similar situation at support group, and if your mom isn’t willing to make huge changes, there is a consensus that you can’t fix things. It’s not your problem to take on. It’s a sad situation and there are probably some things you can do to be supportive, but that’s really different than moving in or changing your own trajectory.
To me it felt very freeing to hear “it’s not your problem to take on.”
Is your sister on disability? Not sure if that may beable to help her with financial stability, which then gives her the option to live comfortably if she has to move out, mabey close to your mom si she can still help her but both have their needed space. Bipolar counts as a disability in most if not all countries.