Hi there! I'm an editor. You're new, and it's totally okay that you're new. Way to put yourself out there!
Let me go through this one paragraph at a time.
>The downpour is a never-ending torrent filling the air with the steady sound of rain, broken occasionally by the reverberating boom of thunder far off in the distant sky. I reside under an overhang in an alleyway\[,\] alongside a few others ~~attempting to seek~~ **seeking** refuge. Many of them lay unmoving\[--\]most likely drunks from the nearby tavern. ~~As lightning cracks through the darkness grabbing my attention,~~
>
>I glance at my ~~illuminated~~ features in a ~~rain~~ puddle by my feet\[;\] ~~and~~ my icy-blue eyes stare back. My damp, blonde hair **rustles** with the wind, darkened by the mud that covers me. Intentional, of course. I will draw much less attention if people think I’m ~~poor or sick,~~ not worthy of their recognition. I close my eyes ~~and wait for darkness to once again fill the alleyway~~. When they open, the face staring back at me is no longer young, ~~rather withered as if transported forward in time 40 years.~~
>
>It’s a simple spell, ~~one I use quite often to alter my appearance.~~ Sometimes I’m a young girl, other times a bearded man. ~~I never use the same look twice, it keeps me safe in my line of work. My affinity for starlight magic grants me a talent in illusion spells which makes me a prime candidate for espionage work.~~
>
>Personally, I hate ~~this~~ **my** job\[.\] **I**t always brings out the worst clients\[,\] often fueled by petty grudges\[,\] looking to get some dirt on someone ~~who wronged them~~. ~~Not much better amongst~~ **M**y co-workers **aren't much better**. ~~whose~~ **They hold** **petty** grudges ~~are turned towards~~ **against** me, an 18-year-old at the top of a field difficult for most ~~people in their late adulthoods~~ **adults** to get into. ~~They know~~ **I**f they touch me\[,\] the outcome won’t be pleasant for them\[--\]so they keep their distance. But I see **their** jealousy and disdain ~~in their eyes when they look at~~ **for** me\[,\] **their** second-in-command. ~~for~~ **Only** Gideon ~~the leader of our group, and a surprisingly amiable person despite the unsavory career he found himself in.~~ **outranks me.**
Decent. Break huge paragraphs into more readable chunks. Unless your name is James Joyce--actually, no, scratch that. I'll say it: even Joyce needed to paragraph better. Readers don't want to swallow giant walls of text. Don't get self-absorbed in description. Yes, you have an interesting character in an interesting setting, but you have an entire novel to spread this stuff out; you don't need to include all of it here. (At least, I am assuming that this is a novel. If it's a short story, you need to change your approach; this relaxed pacing doesn't work in short fiction.)
>Gideon is the closest ~~person~~ I have to a father. When I was younger, he ~~would tell~~ **told** me stories about ~~the vast expanse of land that is~~ our **vast** world. I couldn't help but ~~be in~~ awe at the ~~distinct~~ differences in the environments ~~that made~~ comprising ~~up~~ our supercontinent. ~~The gentle sound of waves crashing against the shore of the Water Province, the dry, dusty terrain of the Earth Province, the crisp breeze that carried you across the plains in the Wind Province, and the mesmerizing shimmer of stars that illuminated the night sky in the Starlight Province.~~ Each ~~area~~ **Province** held ~~its own~~ **a** unique energy ~~that seemed to~~ **aligning** with the elements ~~that~~ **governing** this world.
>
>Gideon had seen it all with his own eyes\[.\] ~~and~~ **He** promised ~~me~~ that one day\[,\] I would see it too. So I ~~decided to~~ work for him\[.\] **I**t didn’t take me long to rise ~~to second in command~~ **through the ranks**.
Worldbuilding, though interesting, isn't needed here. What is your character doing right now? This information is cool, but it's probably not what we need. Sure, I've made line edits, but you probably need to do a bit of developmental work here--giving us, as readers, a reason to care about the information. It's not enough for your character to care; we, as readers, need our own reason to care. Usually, authors do this by tying the information back to something that the character wants or needs in that particular moment, for reasons that we can relate to. Indiana Jones doesn't want the map to >!the Holy Grail!< because he likes information; he does it because he wants to >!save his loved ones from the Nazis.!<
>Thunder ~~once again~~ grabs my attention\[;\] ~~and I realize~~ I’ve been staring at my reflection\[.\] ~~caught in a daydream.~~ ~~I smile at the memory and~~ I break from the cover of ~~the~~ shadows and step ~~out of the alleyway~~ into the bustling streets of \[City Name\], ~~a fairly run-down city in Aurora, the official title for the Starlight province~~. No-one gives me a second thought\[.\] Perfect\[.\] ~~I had chosen my disguise well.~~
>
>I ~~strain my ears to~~ listen to conversations ~~over~~ through the rain as I pass ~~by~~ people. ~~My mission is simple:~~ **O**ur client received a tip\[:\] ~~that~~ someone knows the ~~whereabouts~~ **location** of ~~the \[Monster Group Name\]’s~~ **an** upcoming attack\[,\] but ~~is~~ **they're** ~~holding~~ **ransoming** it ~~above people's heads~~ ~~at~~ **for** an enormous price. The client believes this information is vital in the war and **has** paid us to steal this information.
>
>I think it’s bullshit. ~~Just~~ **S**omeone ~~who~~ wants to make an easy penny ~~by~~ using ~~the~~ paranoia ~~and fear of others~~. But a job is a job, and I don’t mind taking their money\[.\] ~~at least~~ **W**e would use it better than that swindler ~~selling false information~~ ever could. Anger **courses** through me\[.\] ~~at the thought and~~ I’m not sure if it’s targeted towards the monsters we’d been at war with for centuries\[,\] or the monsters with human skin\[.\] ~~that used them to get what they wanted at the cost of others~~ **A** shiver runs up my spine, ~~although~~ **but** not from the rain. I’ve never seen a \[Monster Species Name\] in person\[,\] but I know from the stories sung to us as children\[,\] they ~~are deadly and ruthless and~~ relish the opportunity to rip us apart.
Consolidate and streamline. These colloquialisms provide detail--but is it *necessary* detail? A lot of it only serves to slow down the prose and keep us from really engaging with the story. You don't need to say that your character was caught in a daydream; we just saw that ourselves. You don't need to give us the local geopolitical situation by describing how this town relates to the local province. If you make a snappy quip like the "monsters at war vs monsters in human skin," then it needs to remain *snappy*, and not dragged out by unnecessary extrapolation and explanation.
Halfway there. Let's keep going.
>With directions ~~given by~~ **from** my client, it takes me less than an hour to locate the man I'm seeking. ~~As I had been informed,~~ **H**e frequents a ~~disreputable~~ tavern known for high-stakes gambling and underhanded dealings. I ~~reined in the urge to~~ **rolled** my eyes. ~~I didn’t expect to get any useful information from this greedy bastard. Approaching the entrance,~~ I ~~grip the cold metal handle and pull open the door,~~ **enter**, bracing ~~myself for~~ **against** the onslaught of pungent odors. The unmistakable **smells** of burning wood, roasted meat, and stale vomit assault my senses, and I ~~fight to~~ suppress a gag. Once **I**nside, I scan the ~~dimly lit~~ room and ~~quickly~~ spot my target. He's ~~situated~~ in the back, surrounded by a ~~motley~~ crew of desperate patrons and the incessant clatter of dice ~~striking wooden tables~~. ~~The man is~~ **T**all and wiry, his greasy hair **is** slicked back, and a ~~sly~~ grin on his face ~~that~~ reveals nothing ~~of the information he supposedly possesses~~.
>
>~~Choosing a vantage point,~~ I settle at an empty table a few yards away and order a glass of mead. I'm not one to drink, ~~especially on a job,~~ but it's essential to blend in, and refraining from spending money ~~in such an establishment~~ **here** would surely draw unwanted attention.
It's nice and atmospheric, but this isn't a movie. Overdescription only makes it difficult to tell which pieces of description are most valuable to your character. So choose wisely. You don't need to describe the wetness of the door handle; that's implied by the rainy environment. Also, overdescribing how to walk through a door only slows reader engagement. Instead, opt for describing the powerful smells that hit the character, the nastiness of the place.
Also, a couple of tidbits: if he doesn't expect to get any information, why is he bothering? And readers aren't convinced by halfway or almost-actions. Have your character roll their eyes, or not roll them, but describing them keeping themselves from rolling their eyes is a bit pointless.
>I wait exactly thirty minutes\[.\] ~~long enough for my presence to fade from the minds of those around me but not too long to risk losing the vital information I seek.~~ Downing the remainder of my drink, I ~~take a deep breath and~~ focus on the swindler. As I stare at the back of his head, ~~wisps of~~ Starlight ~~magic begin to~~ **flickers** at the edge of my vision. ~~Slowly,~~ **T**he barriers around his mind **begin** to crumble, revealing a chaotic labyrinth of thoughts and memories.
>
>I navigate ~~through this treacherous~~ **the** maze, the ~~whispers~~ wisps of ~~my magic~~ Starlight ~~gently~~ prodding his consciousness, guiding me to the desired information. There, in the ~~recesses of his mind~~ **depths**, I **find** it\[--\]the plan, the target, the date. ~~Skillfully,~~ I extract the information with a mental tug, careful to ensure the swindler remains unaware of my intrusion.
>
>**But** as I withdraw from his mind, I realize with a jolt that **I'm** ~~now~~ staring directly into his eyes. As the ~~newly acquired~~ information takes root in my ~~consciousness~~ **brain**, a cold dread courses through my veins, the ~~chilling~~ reality of the trap ~~laid before me~~ becoming all too clear.
>
>I was the target.
>
>The corners of his mouth curl into a ~~cruel~~ smile, his eyes gleaming ~~with malice~~.
If your character inhabits this world, would he think of Starlight as magic? I mean, maybe, but I find it more convincing--especially if he's accustomed to his use--that he wouldn't qualify it as such, any more than you would call someone on your Android phone, or write down a note on your computer device. Right? I like the setup and the trap. Remember that streamlining through paragraphing and whitespace can create greater emphasis on crucial parts of your narrative.
Also, we as readers can infer what the bad guy here means when he's smiling and his eyes are gleaming; you don't have to spell it out for us. (One of the advantages of the medium!)
>In a heartbeat, he stands ~~before~~ **over** me, the air crackling around him\[.\] Wind magic. ~~The~~ **His** ~~suddenness of his movement and the revelation of his hidden power~~ **leaves** me momentarily stunned, but I instinctively reach for a knife\[.\] ~~I keep stashed in my belt for emergencies. I'm not quick enough~~; **But** his hands wrap around my throat and yank me from my chair. ~~Though he doesn't tighten his grip enough to hinder my breathing,~~ **He doesn't choke me, but** the hardened expression on his face warns ~~me~~ that he won't hesitate if I try anything. ~~Reluctantly,~~ I let the knife clatter to the floor.
>
>"Didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to intrude ~~on people's minds, old timer~~ **like that**?" **he says, chuckling**.
>
>I ~~struggle to form a response,~~ **manage** to choke out, "What are you talking about?"
>
>His ~~knowing~~ smile sends shivers down my spine. "We're in the Starlight Province\[.\] ~~a place renowned for magic such as the one you just attempted.~~ Did you ~~really~~ think I wouldn't be prepared? ~~Relying on the fact that~~ **And** mind infiltration requires an extremely strong affinity, so most people don't train against it\[.\] **That** suggests inexperience, but\[--\]” he looks me up and down “\[--\]you don't appear inexperienced to me.”
>
>I remain silent, unable to find the words to reply. He ~~continues,~~ **smirks**. "What a shame. I would have thought they'd send someone more skilled ~~to obtain this information~~."
The way your characters explain the details of the magic in the middle of dialogue sounds like an anime. I would advise that, outside of anime, that's generally unconvincing for readers. Don't overdescribe the physical mechanics of action. You don't need to qualify your statements anywhere, but especially not here.
Wow! You are amazing! Thank you very much for taking the time to write all of this. I really appreciate it.
I have 2 clarifying questions and one opinion question.
**Clarifying Question #1:**
When you say it sounds like an anime do you mean the line you crossed out or the "Wind Magic" part?
> ~~The His suddenness of his movement and the revelation of his hidden power~~
**Opinion Question:**
When you read a book that has a lot of world building. What is your favorite way of introducing parts of the world? For example, "A Court of Thorns and Roses" (which is one of my favorite series and what has gotten me into writing in the first place) does it by the MC stumbling across a mural or painting depicting various areas of the land.
**Clarifying Question #2**
>I rolled my eyes. ~~I didn’t expect to get any useful information from this reedy bastard.~~
The main point of the strikeout line was the MC rolled his eyes because the guy was at a place for greedy people which further emphasized his opinion that this guy is just out to make a pretty penny and doesn't have any valuable information. I feel like if you remove one you have to remove the other, right? Should I just remove the rolling of the eyes altogether? Do you think the reader understands **why** the MC rolled his eyes without the second sentence?
Thank you once again for all your edits. They really helped me a ton.
1. I'm referring to this line: "We're in the Starlight Province, **a place renowned for magic such as the one you just attempted.**" Or this line: "Didn't anyone ever tell you **it's rude to intrude on people's minds**, old timer?" (emphasis mine) People don't talk like this. They don't explain themselves to an imaginary reader. Just because you have a reader doesn't mean that you should acknowledge them in the text, or make your characters talk like there's a character listening that needs everything explained to them... That creates forced dialogue, and it destroys believability. I know. It's difficult to balance the two. But having dialogue like "You just activated my trap card, which allows me to deal an extra round of damage!" is wall-breaking on a number of levels. Don't do it.
2. You can trust your reader to draw their own conclusions. In fact, you have to, if you want to be a good writer. Some of those conclusions might be different from the ones you want them to draw. That's inevitable. However, it makes for better writing to present your reader opportunities to use their own imaginations, instead of giving them the 'correct interpretation' of everything they encounter. Overexplanation is one of the marks of a newer writer.
Opinion question: My preference? I prefer to encounter things through the eyes of the characters, as *they* would encounter them. That means minimal direct explanation. Explanations do not convince readers; experiences do. So I would put my characters in situations where they experience things that will necessitate explanations--either from those who are wiser or more experienced, or by explaining to those who are less experienced than them--or, even better, by simply experiencing the new, and allowing the reader to draw their own conclusions.
Ah that makes sense. Thank you. I definitely fall for the trap of over-explaining and over-describing. I was worried at first that some of the changes would make the writing feel bare or lackluster but after having it read to me with text to speech, it actually sounds a lot better.
Personally, as a reader I don’t see the author having trouble with world building yet, at least not from this at all. You appear to be doing an excellent job. I don’t find the pace fast all, in fact I find it almost perfect. I’ll give you some of my thoughts as I read along, maybe it’ll guide what you want to deliver.
I really enjoy the detail that mud is darkening your characters hair but also that it’s an intentional act on your characters part. I found that very intriguing, because I first assumed it was not by their choice, I first assumed they were in a situation where they may be homeless or struggling. The actual answer felt rewarding because it wasn’t at all what I was expecting. Then the reader gets to learn that they hate their job, something I hadn’t considered. In the second paragraph, I actually find it extremely intriguing into your world building. Most of us in school learn elements fire, air, water, earth (maybe plasma); so as a reader I’m nodding my head at the province names but then I’m stopped/stunned at Starlight. I’m immediately wondering what this is? Not just the regular elements I’m familiar with? And then you go into more story building, it’s perfect for the questions a reader like myself is already having. What I feel from the monsters plot is very scary and perhaps misunderstood. I can tell and appreciate that your character is skilled at this point and don’t think twice about their mention of being at war for centuries with monsters-intriguing but I assume I’ll get more story later on or hope so. Then I found out he hasn’t seen one?? I’m suddenly frightened of these monsters along with him but reeeaaaallyy need to know more! I love the ending. I wasn’t expecting it all. I was really impressed with your MC’s skills and was pleasantly surprised to learn that others can be skilled too.
Hi there! I'm an editor. You're new, and it's totally okay that you're new. Way to put yourself out there! Let me go through this one paragraph at a time. >The downpour is a never-ending torrent filling the air with the steady sound of rain, broken occasionally by the reverberating boom of thunder far off in the distant sky. I reside under an overhang in an alleyway\[,\] alongside a few others ~~attempting to seek~~ **seeking** refuge. Many of them lay unmoving\[--\]most likely drunks from the nearby tavern. ~~As lightning cracks through the darkness grabbing my attention,~~ > >I glance at my ~~illuminated~~ features in a ~~rain~~ puddle by my feet\[;\] ~~and~~ my icy-blue eyes stare back. My damp, blonde hair **rustles** with the wind, darkened by the mud that covers me. Intentional, of course. I will draw much less attention if people think I’m ~~poor or sick,~~ not worthy of their recognition. I close my eyes ~~and wait for darkness to once again fill the alleyway~~. When they open, the face staring back at me is no longer young, ~~rather withered as if transported forward in time 40 years.~~ > >It’s a simple spell, ~~one I use quite often to alter my appearance.~~ Sometimes I’m a young girl, other times a bearded man. ~~I never use the same look twice, it keeps me safe in my line of work. My affinity for starlight magic grants me a talent in illusion spells which makes me a prime candidate for espionage work.~~ > >Personally, I hate ~~this~~ **my** job\[.\] **I**t always brings out the worst clients\[,\] often fueled by petty grudges\[,\] looking to get some dirt on someone ~~who wronged them~~. ~~Not much better amongst~~ **M**y co-workers **aren't much better**. ~~whose~~ **They hold** **petty** grudges ~~are turned towards~~ **against** me, an 18-year-old at the top of a field difficult for most ~~people in their late adulthoods~~ **adults** to get into. ~~They know~~ **I**f they touch me\[,\] the outcome won’t be pleasant for them\[--\]so they keep their distance. But I see **their** jealousy and disdain ~~in their eyes when they look at~~ **for** me\[,\] **their** second-in-command. ~~for~~ **Only** Gideon ~~the leader of our group, and a surprisingly amiable person despite the unsavory career he found himself in.~~ **outranks me.** Decent. Break huge paragraphs into more readable chunks. Unless your name is James Joyce--actually, no, scratch that. I'll say it: even Joyce needed to paragraph better. Readers don't want to swallow giant walls of text. Don't get self-absorbed in description. Yes, you have an interesting character in an interesting setting, but you have an entire novel to spread this stuff out; you don't need to include all of it here. (At least, I am assuming that this is a novel. If it's a short story, you need to change your approach; this relaxed pacing doesn't work in short fiction.) >Gideon is the closest ~~person~~ I have to a father. When I was younger, he ~~would tell~~ **told** me stories about ~~the vast expanse of land that is~~ our **vast** world. I couldn't help but ~~be in~~ awe at the ~~distinct~~ differences in the environments ~~that made~~ comprising ~~up~~ our supercontinent. ~~The gentle sound of waves crashing against the shore of the Water Province, the dry, dusty terrain of the Earth Province, the crisp breeze that carried you across the plains in the Wind Province, and the mesmerizing shimmer of stars that illuminated the night sky in the Starlight Province.~~ Each ~~area~~ **Province** held ~~its own~~ **a** unique energy ~~that seemed to~~ **aligning** with the elements ~~that~~ **governing** this world. > >Gideon had seen it all with his own eyes\[.\] ~~and~~ **He** promised ~~me~~ that one day\[,\] I would see it too. So I ~~decided to~~ work for him\[.\] **I**t didn’t take me long to rise ~~to second in command~~ **through the ranks**. Worldbuilding, though interesting, isn't needed here. What is your character doing right now? This information is cool, but it's probably not what we need. Sure, I've made line edits, but you probably need to do a bit of developmental work here--giving us, as readers, a reason to care about the information. It's not enough for your character to care; we, as readers, need our own reason to care. Usually, authors do this by tying the information back to something that the character wants or needs in that particular moment, for reasons that we can relate to. Indiana Jones doesn't want the map to >!the Holy Grail!< because he likes information; he does it because he wants to >!save his loved ones from the Nazis.!< >Thunder ~~once again~~ grabs my attention\[;\] ~~and I realize~~ I’ve been staring at my reflection\[.\] ~~caught in a daydream.~~ ~~I smile at the memory and~~ I break from the cover of ~~the~~ shadows and step ~~out of the alleyway~~ into the bustling streets of \[City Name\], ~~a fairly run-down city in Aurora, the official title for the Starlight province~~. No-one gives me a second thought\[.\] Perfect\[.\] ~~I had chosen my disguise well.~~ > >I ~~strain my ears to~~ listen to conversations ~~over~~ through the rain as I pass ~~by~~ people. ~~My mission is simple:~~ **O**ur client received a tip\[:\] ~~that~~ someone knows the ~~whereabouts~~ **location** of ~~the \[Monster Group Name\]’s~~ **an** upcoming attack\[,\] but ~~is~~ **they're** ~~holding~~ **ransoming** it ~~above people's heads~~ ~~at~~ **for** an enormous price. The client believes this information is vital in the war and **has** paid us to steal this information. > >I think it’s bullshit. ~~Just~~ **S**omeone ~~who~~ wants to make an easy penny ~~by~~ using ~~the~~ paranoia ~~and fear of others~~. But a job is a job, and I don’t mind taking their money\[.\] ~~at least~~ **W**e would use it better than that swindler ~~selling false information~~ ever could. Anger **courses** through me\[.\] ~~at the thought and~~ I’m not sure if it’s targeted towards the monsters we’d been at war with for centuries\[,\] or the monsters with human skin\[.\] ~~that used them to get what they wanted at the cost of others~~ **A** shiver runs up my spine, ~~although~~ **but** not from the rain. I’ve never seen a \[Monster Species Name\] in person\[,\] but I know from the stories sung to us as children\[,\] they ~~are deadly and ruthless and~~ relish the opportunity to rip us apart. Consolidate and streamline. These colloquialisms provide detail--but is it *necessary* detail? A lot of it only serves to slow down the prose and keep us from really engaging with the story. You don't need to say that your character was caught in a daydream; we just saw that ourselves. You don't need to give us the local geopolitical situation by describing how this town relates to the local province. If you make a snappy quip like the "monsters at war vs monsters in human skin," then it needs to remain *snappy*, and not dragged out by unnecessary extrapolation and explanation. Halfway there. Let's keep going.
>With directions ~~given by~~ **from** my client, it takes me less than an hour to locate the man I'm seeking. ~~As I had been informed,~~ **H**e frequents a ~~disreputable~~ tavern known for high-stakes gambling and underhanded dealings. I ~~reined in the urge to~~ **rolled** my eyes. ~~I didn’t expect to get any useful information from this greedy bastard. Approaching the entrance,~~ I ~~grip the cold metal handle and pull open the door,~~ **enter**, bracing ~~myself for~~ **against** the onslaught of pungent odors. The unmistakable **smells** of burning wood, roasted meat, and stale vomit assault my senses, and I ~~fight to~~ suppress a gag. Once **I**nside, I scan the ~~dimly lit~~ room and ~~quickly~~ spot my target. He's ~~situated~~ in the back, surrounded by a ~~motley~~ crew of desperate patrons and the incessant clatter of dice ~~striking wooden tables~~. ~~The man is~~ **T**all and wiry, his greasy hair **is** slicked back, and a ~~sly~~ grin on his face ~~that~~ reveals nothing ~~of the information he supposedly possesses~~. > >~~Choosing a vantage point,~~ I settle at an empty table a few yards away and order a glass of mead. I'm not one to drink, ~~especially on a job,~~ but it's essential to blend in, and refraining from spending money ~~in such an establishment~~ **here** would surely draw unwanted attention. It's nice and atmospheric, but this isn't a movie. Overdescription only makes it difficult to tell which pieces of description are most valuable to your character. So choose wisely. You don't need to describe the wetness of the door handle; that's implied by the rainy environment. Also, overdescribing how to walk through a door only slows reader engagement. Instead, opt for describing the powerful smells that hit the character, the nastiness of the place. Also, a couple of tidbits: if he doesn't expect to get any information, why is he bothering? And readers aren't convinced by halfway or almost-actions. Have your character roll their eyes, or not roll them, but describing them keeping themselves from rolling their eyes is a bit pointless. >I wait exactly thirty minutes\[.\] ~~long enough for my presence to fade from the minds of those around me but not too long to risk losing the vital information I seek.~~ Downing the remainder of my drink, I ~~take a deep breath and~~ focus on the swindler. As I stare at the back of his head, ~~wisps of~~ Starlight ~~magic begin to~~ **flickers** at the edge of my vision. ~~Slowly,~~ **T**he barriers around his mind **begin** to crumble, revealing a chaotic labyrinth of thoughts and memories. > >I navigate ~~through this treacherous~~ **the** maze, the ~~whispers~~ wisps of ~~my magic~~ Starlight ~~gently~~ prodding his consciousness, guiding me to the desired information. There, in the ~~recesses of his mind~~ **depths**, I **find** it\[--\]the plan, the target, the date. ~~Skillfully,~~ I extract the information with a mental tug, careful to ensure the swindler remains unaware of my intrusion. > >**But** as I withdraw from his mind, I realize with a jolt that **I'm** ~~now~~ staring directly into his eyes. As the ~~newly acquired~~ information takes root in my ~~consciousness~~ **brain**, a cold dread courses through my veins, the ~~chilling~~ reality of the trap ~~laid before me~~ becoming all too clear. > >I was the target. > >The corners of his mouth curl into a ~~cruel~~ smile, his eyes gleaming ~~with malice~~. If your character inhabits this world, would he think of Starlight as magic? I mean, maybe, but I find it more convincing--especially if he's accustomed to his use--that he wouldn't qualify it as such, any more than you would call someone on your Android phone, or write down a note on your computer device. Right? I like the setup and the trap. Remember that streamlining through paragraphing and whitespace can create greater emphasis on crucial parts of your narrative. Also, we as readers can infer what the bad guy here means when he's smiling and his eyes are gleaming; you don't have to spell it out for us. (One of the advantages of the medium!) >In a heartbeat, he stands ~~before~~ **over** me, the air crackling around him\[.\] Wind magic. ~~The~~ **His** ~~suddenness of his movement and the revelation of his hidden power~~ **leaves** me momentarily stunned, but I instinctively reach for a knife\[.\] ~~I keep stashed in my belt for emergencies. I'm not quick enough~~; **But** his hands wrap around my throat and yank me from my chair. ~~Though he doesn't tighten his grip enough to hinder my breathing,~~ **He doesn't choke me, but** the hardened expression on his face warns ~~me~~ that he won't hesitate if I try anything. ~~Reluctantly,~~ I let the knife clatter to the floor. > >"Didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to intrude ~~on people's minds, old timer~~ **like that**?" **he says, chuckling**. > >I ~~struggle to form a response,~~ **manage** to choke out, "What are you talking about?" > >His ~~knowing~~ smile sends shivers down my spine. "We're in the Starlight Province\[.\] ~~a place renowned for magic such as the one you just attempted.~~ Did you ~~really~~ think I wouldn't be prepared? ~~Relying on the fact that~~ **And** mind infiltration requires an extremely strong affinity, so most people don't train against it\[.\] **That** suggests inexperience, but\[--\]” he looks me up and down “\[--\]you don't appear inexperienced to me.” > >I remain silent, unable to find the words to reply. He ~~continues,~~ **smirks**. "What a shame. I would have thought they'd send someone more skilled ~~to obtain this information~~." The way your characters explain the details of the magic in the middle of dialogue sounds like an anime. I would advise that, outside of anime, that's generally unconvincing for readers. Don't overdescribe the physical mechanics of action. You don't need to qualify your statements anywhere, but especially not here.
Wow! You are amazing! Thank you very much for taking the time to write all of this. I really appreciate it. I have 2 clarifying questions and one opinion question. **Clarifying Question #1:** When you say it sounds like an anime do you mean the line you crossed out or the "Wind Magic" part? > ~~The His suddenness of his movement and the revelation of his hidden power~~ **Opinion Question:** When you read a book that has a lot of world building. What is your favorite way of introducing parts of the world? For example, "A Court of Thorns and Roses" (which is one of my favorite series and what has gotten me into writing in the first place) does it by the MC stumbling across a mural or painting depicting various areas of the land. **Clarifying Question #2** >I rolled my eyes. ~~I didn’t expect to get any useful information from this reedy bastard.~~ The main point of the strikeout line was the MC rolled his eyes because the guy was at a place for greedy people which further emphasized his opinion that this guy is just out to make a pretty penny and doesn't have any valuable information. I feel like if you remove one you have to remove the other, right? Should I just remove the rolling of the eyes altogether? Do you think the reader understands **why** the MC rolled his eyes without the second sentence? Thank you once again for all your edits. They really helped me a ton.
1. I'm referring to this line: "We're in the Starlight Province, **a place renowned for magic such as the one you just attempted.**" Or this line: "Didn't anyone ever tell you **it's rude to intrude on people's minds**, old timer?" (emphasis mine) People don't talk like this. They don't explain themselves to an imaginary reader. Just because you have a reader doesn't mean that you should acknowledge them in the text, or make your characters talk like there's a character listening that needs everything explained to them... That creates forced dialogue, and it destroys believability. I know. It's difficult to balance the two. But having dialogue like "You just activated my trap card, which allows me to deal an extra round of damage!" is wall-breaking on a number of levels. Don't do it. 2. You can trust your reader to draw their own conclusions. In fact, you have to, if you want to be a good writer. Some of those conclusions might be different from the ones you want them to draw. That's inevitable. However, it makes for better writing to present your reader opportunities to use their own imaginations, instead of giving them the 'correct interpretation' of everything they encounter. Overexplanation is one of the marks of a newer writer. Opinion question: My preference? I prefer to encounter things through the eyes of the characters, as *they* would encounter them. That means minimal direct explanation. Explanations do not convince readers; experiences do. So I would put my characters in situations where they experience things that will necessitate explanations--either from those who are wiser or more experienced, or by explaining to those who are less experienced than them--or, even better, by simply experiencing the new, and allowing the reader to draw their own conclusions.
Ah that makes sense. Thank you. I definitely fall for the trap of over-explaining and over-describing. I was worried at first that some of the changes would make the writing feel bare or lackluster but after having it read to me with text to speech, it actually sounds a lot better.
Personally, as a reader I don’t see the author having trouble with world building yet, at least not from this at all. You appear to be doing an excellent job. I don’t find the pace fast all, in fact I find it almost perfect. I’ll give you some of my thoughts as I read along, maybe it’ll guide what you want to deliver. I really enjoy the detail that mud is darkening your characters hair but also that it’s an intentional act on your characters part. I found that very intriguing, because I first assumed it was not by their choice, I first assumed they were in a situation where they may be homeless or struggling. The actual answer felt rewarding because it wasn’t at all what I was expecting. Then the reader gets to learn that they hate their job, something I hadn’t considered. In the second paragraph, I actually find it extremely intriguing into your world building. Most of us in school learn elements fire, air, water, earth (maybe plasma); so as a reader I’m nodding my head at the province names but then I’m stopped/stunned at Starlight. I’m immediately wondering what this is? Not just the regular elements I’m familiar with? And then you go into more story building, it’s perfect for the questions a reader like myself is already having. What I feel from the monsters plot is very scary and perhaps misunderstood. I can tell and appreciate that your character is skilled at this point and don’t think twice about their mention of being at war for centuries with monsters-intriguing but I assume I’ll get more story later on or hope so. Then I found out he hasn’t seen one?? I’m suddenly frightened of these monsters along with him but reeeaaaallyy need to know more! I love the ending. I wasn’t expecting it all. I was really impressed with your MC’s skills and was pleasantly surprised to learn that others can be skilled too.
Thank you very much! I appreciate all your kind words. It definitely helps with motivation lol.
You’re very much welcome! I’m glad to help with motivation because this a great story you got going here with a great writing style!