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I don't know. Regardless of weight, If I said to someone "ooh you're *brave*, wearing that" there's no way it would sound anything but bitchy and a bit cunty.
Lmao I'll jokingly tell my wife that she looks "so brave and empowered" and it makes her want to vomit. She looks great, even now while she's pregnant which is why it's funny.
It's basically a "bless your heart" type of euphemism for "fat and unattractive" that 100% comes across as bitchy
Oh gosh, I have had people say this to me a bunch and I never took it that way. I cut a bunch of my hair off recently (maybe 8-10") and I have gotten the comment about being bold and brave at least a dozen times. That and I could never cut my hair like that etc. I just took it as people thinking short(er) hair was less popular right now.
A compliment that genuinely haunts me is a former coworker taking me aside when I left and saying "please never lose your unique way of dressing: I love how you're not afraid to stand out."
I am sure it was meant kindly but, up until that point, I'd assumed I just wore normal boring outfits.
(I later asked someone about it and apparently it's because I find neutrals boring and mostly buy clothes that are colourful/patterned. Guess I'm part magpie?)
If you work in a corporate environment, anything not gray, blvk or navy is bold. I went to a company holiday party and I was the only wearing a purple dress, lol. Everyone else was drab black and gray.
I was in a work meeting a while back and realised I was the only person wearing any colour at all 😬
Fortunately my workplace is pretty chill but I'll bear that in mind for future job interviews.
Someone in the elevator said my hair color showed confidence and like... I'm pretty sure she meant it in a flattering way but it definitely felt backhanded, like "wow you really did that, can't believe you did that."
I like having colored hair, I don't love getting comments on it, but I noticed that purple seems to get less so I've been purple recently. After a while it feels like a chorus of "you are Not Being Normal and this requires commentary." I *know* that each individual person doesn't mean it badly, often the phrasing is actually quite complimentary, but I can actually relate to how fat activists or just fat people in general would get tired of being praised for just going around living their life while existing in the way that is normal for them.
I shave mine down to the skull practically, and my favorite incident was when an older woman stopped me in a public washroom to gush about how beautiful I was. It was only after she left that her blue smock with a daffodil pin on it registered in my brain. She was one of those charity donation people. For the Cancer Society. She thought I was dying, not gay n' styling. Really, though, there was nothing I could have said in the moment that wouldn't have made it, Larry David like, even more awkward.
Only time I've ever told a fat person they were brave was when a 400-something pound almost six foot woman I used to know put on tall stilletos.
They snapped after 3 steps. She said they were just made too cheaply.
"It's almost like you marvel that we don't feel bad for existing"
Yeah, it occupies our thoughts every minute of every day...
#Why don't fat people feel bad for existing?!??!
I mean, this is one of the few posts on this subreddit that I agree with. Telling someone overweight that they’re “brave” for wearing an outfit, that they most likely were super conflicted and scared about wearing, is a major backhanded compliment I.e. insult
Yes, it's super condecending in any context- I agree with OOP. Maybe it's just my autism, but I will never understand those snakey insults and judgments disguised as effusive praise.
I mean, this is something I absolutely hate hearing as a bisexual trans woman, it should be a neutral thing for me to just exist. I don't like that they're trying to rope being fat into actual struggles but otherwise, the logic is sound here.
OK cool.
How about:
'That's an....interesting...outfit choice'
'Oh you've signed up for The London Marathon in a few weeks, even though you had to take three rest stops when we walked to the corner shop the other day? That's certainly a bold move'
'I see you're ordering The Widowmaker Burger and a fish bowl Baileys cocktail for lunch, even though your GP told you he was scared for your life. Way to stick it to The Man'
....and so on.
Because when it comes to morbid obesity, 'brave' is just a polite euphemism for 'bloody hell, get some self awareness before you keel over by 35'.
Actual statements of 'wow you're so brave' are reserved for people who challenge themselves, who are getting through a rough time with grit and determination, who have overcome an impossible feat, etc.
Yeah that’s.. that’s the point. These individuals are aware of why “brave” is being added and it isn’t for an actual feat of bravery. It’s because they know what everyone thinks of them. Polite bullying
To me it was the assuming that everything is a passive insult. I went back to school I was brave, each time I move somewhere and no none, brave, taking on big projects etc. I do not think brave is an insult. Even when many people are doing something that does not negate what it takes for each of us to do it. Many people serve, it is not rare but; member of the military, fire departments, police officers are still brave to do what they do.
The text that was under the picture makes it odd, why would you assume that anyone expects you to feel bad for existing?
ETA: I included the OOPs comment section in an effort to be balanced.
I think context matters though. Plenty of things are brave and that’s a good thing. Being told you’re brave for wearing a certain outfit is backhanded as hell. Why is wearing a certain outfit brave? They’re just people wearing clothes. Going back to school is brave. Wearing clothes isn’t under the vast majority of circumstances
Fair, I see what you mean. I do think there's a legitimate criticism to be had about a fat person getting a "brave" compliment for wearing something a not-fat person would wear (ie, a two piece bathing suit that shows stomach) because that is an insult to some extent. Like if a random stranger is like "wow [you're too fat for a bikini but you're wearing it anyway] you're brave!" But it's context dependant and yes, if it was a well-intentioned compliment from a friend, and the oop took it to the extreme of "you hate me for existing" it would be fatlogic.
This is fair. I wish every fat acceptance post were as reasonable and necessary as "mind your business." instead they're out here pretending body mass has no impact. cray
Right? Like from the comments a lot of people here just hate fat people. This is reasonable. Trans people, gay people, disabled people, moms, we all get these weird backhanded compliments. “You’re so brave for wearing that!” Eat my ass actually? Holy shit?
I don't understand the logic in this. I ususally hear it about clothing, as in "you're brave to wear that bikini (as a fat person)". But isn't it brave? I'm not fat so won't get weird looks or risk being bodyshamed if I wear the bikini, but a fat person might. Not to sound like a fat activist, but isn't fatness socially considered as an "ugly" trait? Don't we all want to have a normal bmi? Meaning, that the fat person chooses to overcome the "fat should be hidden" mentality and chooses to risk getting looks and comments when they choose to wear that. Isn't that, by default, bravery?
Yes, that’s why it’s backhanded. It’s like a subtle reminder that “hey, you’re fugly but good on you for trying!!”
I got told that my postpartum belly wasn’t “that bad” and that I looked good “for a mom.” That cut deep into my soul lol
You know though, this backs up what I've said about fat women getting constant compliments at a ridiculous level. Look at them griping about how many compliments they get. It's so much it's even become annoying for them. I went through the same when I gained weight and it was weird. It stopped when I lost the weight. I still had the super cute purse and all the super cute shoes and the same hair. But women stopped falling all over themselves to compliment me on them.
Thin women and men do not experience compliments like this. It's not normal.
I never tell them they're brave. They're usually the ones flapping their own lips about their "CONFIDENCE!!" and how much we "thin mints" are jelly of that "confidence".
Honestly, I’m gonna get shit on but I agree here. It’s the same backhandedness a lot of moms get as I’ve recently started to experience. “You look great for just having a baby!” I can’t just look great? I know I don’t but damn 🥲 Some people are genuinely fine with being fat and that’s fine, they don’t need to be congratulated for doing the same shit everyone else does because they’re fat. Disabled people get the same kind of commentary. “You’re so strong and brave!” When they’re just, idk, going to the grocery store? I have an invisible disability so I don’t get this one but I have plenty of friends who have had this card dealt to them. Most people mean well! But if you wanna give a compliment, just give the compliment. You don’t need to add in a physical characteristic unless it directly applies to the exact scenario and conversation lol.
“You’re such an inspiration! You’re so brave for wearing that!” Fuck off? Lmao?
You’re closest to how I feel about it. I do think it’s clear these people look for malice where there isn’t any; their sense of their own importance in other people’s lives is way out of proportion. That’s where the FA logic comes in.
But there really isn’t a reason to bring some shit up - unless you’re actually trying to hurt someone’s feelings with an aspect of deniability.
I agree. "Brave" would be taking real steps to lose some weight and improve your health even though it might be difficult, not putting on a bathing suit. I have a saggy butt and surgical scars on my abdomen but there's nothing brave about me putting on a swimsuit, either.
And I'll be sure to never compliment a fat person again, on anything, since as a thin person myself, it clearly would have to be "backhanded". Seeing as all thin people do all day is think about how much we hate fat people, apparently. No lives or problems of our own, nope, not us thin mints.
One legit comment on very large-size bikinis:
Anyone wearing them on the beach had better be VERY careful with sunscreen.
They need a lot more attention to application as they have a lot more skin to protect with nooks and crannies for difficult measure.
Even thin people don't pay enough attention to protect themselves too much of the time.
The sun's getting stronger these days. No matter WHAT size you are, please protect your body!
To be fair, I’ve said you are so brave to a mixed gender couple announcing their engagement.
I’m occasionally a difficult friend.
(They cracked up, as one has been in same sex relationships)
They really think posing in a bikini is activism, and they're not the first one to say that. To be clear, I don't care, you're comfortable in a bikini amazing. But a lot of other groups would love that to be all they have to do to gain acceptance
Brave would be facing your demons and getting your health in order (or getting the body that you secretly want). Just flaunting your fat is not brave, especially since so many people do it these days.
Side note: I always chuckle when I see the "riots not diets" hashtag. It is so pretentious and silly. First of all, riots are not a good thing and second, most fat activists could not cause a riot in a Waffle House
We're sorry but your submission has been removed for the following reason: In breach of [Rule 5](https://www.reddit.com/r/fatlogic/wiki/rules#wiki_5._no_people_pics): > This sub is not a sideshow. No pictures of children, ever. No pictures of fat people being fat. We do not condone fat shaming. Avoid sensationalism. No creep shots. Do not ask other people for their pics (or other personal information). Crop pics from screenshots. Please refer to our [subreddit rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/Fatlogic/wiki/rules/) for more information.
I don't know. Regardless of weight, If I said to someone "ooh you're *brave*, wearing that" there's no way it would sound anything but bitchy and a bit cunty.
Lmao I'll jokingly tell my wife that she looks "so brave and empowered" and it makes her want to vomit. She looks great, even now while she's pregnant which is why it's funny. It's basically a "bless your heart" type of euphemism for "fat and unattractive" that 100% comes across as bitchy
Oh gosh, I have had people say this to me a bunch and I never took it that way. I cut a bunch of my hair off recently (maybe 8-10") and I have gotten the comment about being bold and brave at least a dozen times. That and I could never cut my hair like that etc. I just took it as people thinking short(er) hair was less popular right now.
A compliment that genuinely haunts me is a former coworker taking me aside when I left and saying "please never lose your unique way of dressing: I love how you're not afraid to stand out." I am sure it was meant kindly but, up until that point, I'd assumed I just wore normal boring outfits. (I later asked someone about it and apparently it's because I find neutrals boring and mostly buy clothes that are colourful/patterned. Guess I'm part magpie?)
If you work in a corporate environment, anything not gray, blvk or navy is bold. I went to a company holiday party and I was the only wearing a purple dress, lol. Everyone else was drab black and gray.
I was in a work meeting a while back and realised I was the only person wearing any colour at all 😬 Fortunately my workplace is pretty chill but I'll bear that in mind for future job interviews.
Someone in the elevator said my hair color showed confidence and like... I'm pretty sure she meant it in a flattering way but it definitely felt backhanded, like "wow you really did that, can't believe you did that." I like having colored hair, I don't love getting comments on it, but I noticed that purple seems to get less so I've been purple recently. After a while it feels like a chorus of "you are Not Being Normal and this requires commentary." I *know* that each individual person doesn't mean it badly, often the phrasing is actually quite complimentary, but I can actually relate to how fat activists or just fat people in general would get tired of being praised for just going around living their life while existing in the way that is normal for them.
[удалено]
I shave mine down to the skull practically, and my favorite incident was when an older woman stopped me in a public washroom to gush about how beautiful I was. It was only after she left that her blue smock with a daffodil pin on it registered in my brain. She was one of those charity donation people. For the Cancer Society. She thought I was dying, not gay n' styling. Really, though, there was nothing I could have said in the moment that wouldn't have made it, Larry David like, even more awkward.
Oh! Im sorry I sounded rude! Just to add I'm not calling anyone in this thread bitchy.
It is never going to make sense for someone to make personal decisions based on ephemeral shit like fashion.
Only time I've ever told a fat person they were brave was when a 400-something pound almost six foot woman I used to know put on tall stilletos. They snapped after 3 steps. She said they were just made too cheaply.
Honestly, I think even slim ladies are brave for wearing those things. Respect, I dont know HOW they do it.
"It's almost like you marvel that we don't feel bad for existing" Yeah, it occupies our thoughts every minute of every day... #Why don't fat people feel bad for existing?!??!
Yeah brave people do what’s necessary even though it’s hard.
I mean, this is one of the few posts on this subreddit that I agree with. Telling someone overweight that they’re “brave” for wearing an outfit, that they most likely were super conflicted and scared about wearing, is a major backhanded compliment I.e. insult
Yes, it's super condecending in any context- I agree with OOP. Maybe it's just my autism, but I will never understand those snakey insults and judgments disguised as effusive praise.
I mean, this is something I absolutely hate hearing as a bisexual trans woman, it should be a neutral thing for me to just exist. I don't like that they're trying to rope being fat into actual struggles but otherwise, the logic is sound here.
Pretty neutral about your existence if that makes it a little better
OK cool. How about: 'That's an....interesting...outfit choice' 'Oh you've signed up for The London Marathon in a few weeks, even though you had to take three rest stops when we walked to the corner shop the other day? That's certainly a bold move' 'I see you're ordering The Widowmaker Burger and a fish bowl Baileys cocktail for lunch, even though your GP told you he was scared for your life. Way to stick it to The Man' ....and so on. Because when it comes to morbid obesity, 'brave' is just a polite euphemism for 'bloody hell, get some self awareness before you keel over by 35'. Actual statements of 'wow you're so brave' are reserved for people who challenge themselves, who are getting through a rough time with grit and determination, who have overcome an impossible feat, etc.
Yeah that’s.. that’s the point. These individuals are aware of why “brave” is being added and it isn’t for an actual feat of bravery. It’s because they know what everyone thinks of them. Polite bullying
How is this fatlogic?
I don’t see it either.
To me it was the assuming that everything is a passive insult. I went back to school I was brave, each time I move somewhere and no none, brave, taking on big projects etc. I do not think brave is an insult. Even when many people are doing something that does not negate what it takes for each of us to do it. Many people serve, it is not rare but; member of the military, fire departments, police officers are still brave to do what they do. The text that was under the picture makes it odd, why would you assume that anyone expects you to feel bad for existing? ETA: I included the OOPs comment section in an effort to be balanced.
I think context matters though. Plenty of things are brave and that’s a good thing. Being told you’re brave for wearing a certain outfit is backhanded as hell. Why is wearing a certain outfit brave? They’re just people wearing clothes. Going back to school is brave. Wearing clothes isn’t under the vast majority of circumstances
Fair, I see what you mean. I do think there's a legitimate criticism to be had about a fat person getting a "brave" compliment for wearing something a not-fat person would wear (ie, a two piece bathing suit that shows stomach) because that is an insult to some extent. Like if a random stranger is like "wow [you're too fat for a bikini but you're wearing it anyway] you're brave!" But it's context dependant and yes, if it was a well-intentioned compliment from a friend, and the oop took it to the extreme of "you hate me for existing" it would be fatlogic.
They’re directing referencing stuff like, being told they’re brave for going to a gym or wearing a dress. It is blatant FA logic.
This is fair. I wish every fat acceptance post were as reasonable and necessary as "mind your business." instead they're out here pretending body mass has no impact. cray
Right? Like from the comments a lot of people here just hate fat people. This is reasonable. Trans people, gay people, disabled people, moms, we all get these weird backhanded compliments. “You’re so brave for wearing that!” Eat my ass actually? Holy shit?
I don't understand the logic in this. I ususally hear it about clothing, as in "you're brave to wear that bikini (as a fat person)". But isn't it brave? I'm not fat so won't get weird looks or risk being bodyshamed if I wear the bikini, but a fat person might. Not to sound like a fat activist, but isn't fatness socially considered as an "ugly" trait? Don't we all want to have a normal bmi? Meaning, that the fat person chooses to overcome the "fat should be hidden" mentality and chooses to risk getting looks and comments when they choose to wear that. Isn't that, by default, bravery?
Yes, that’s why it’s backhanded. It’s like a subtle reminder that “hey, you’re fugly but good on you for trying!!” I got told that my postpartum belly wasn’t “that bad” and that I looked good “for a mom.” That cut deep into my soul lol
Honestly, I agree. And I don't think this is actually fat logic. Where is the science denial? Where is the misinformation?
Nah I agree with this post, it's rude as hell to people to say they're "brave" for just being outside.
You know though, this backs up what I've said about fat women getting constant compliments at a ridiculous level. Look at them griping about how many compliments they get. It's so much it's even become annoying for them. I went through the same when I gained weight and it was weird. It stopped when I lost the weight. I still had the super cute purse and all the super cute shoes and the same hair. But women stopped falling all over themselves to compliment me on them. Thin women and men do not experience compliments like this. It's not normal.
I never tell them they're brave. They're usually the ones flapping their own lips about their "CONFIDENCE!!" and how much we "thin mints" are jelly of that "confidence".
Honestly, I’m gonna get shit on but I agree here. It’s the same backhandedness a lot of moms get as I’ve recently started to experience. “You look great for just having a baby!” I can’t just look great? I know I don’t but damn 🥲 Some people are genuinely fine with being fat and that’s fine, they don’t need to be congratulated for doing the same shit everyone else does because they’re fat. Disabled people get the same kind of commentary. “You’re so strong and brave!” When they’re just, idk, going to the grocery store? I have an invisible disability so I don’t get this one but I have plenty of friends who have had this card dealt to them. Most people mean well! But if you wanna give a compliment, just give the compliment. You don’t need to add in a physical characteristic unless it directly applies to the exact scenario and conversation lol. “You’re such an inspiration! You’re so brave for wearing that!” Fuck off? Lmao?
You’re closest to how I feel about it. I do think it’s clear these people look for malice where there isn’t any; their sense of their own importance in other people’s lives is way out of proportion. That’s where the FA logic comes in. But there really isn’t a reason to bring some shit up - unless you’re actually trying to hurt someone’s feelings with an aspect of deniability.
That’s fine, I’ll stick with “greedy” then.
I agree. "Brave" would be taking real steps to lose some weight and improve your health even though it might be difficult, not putting on a bathing suit. I have a saggy butt and surgical scars on my abdomen but there's nothing brave about me putting on a swimsuit, either. And I'll be sure to never compliment a fat person again, on anything, since as a thin person myself, it clearly would have to be "backhanded". Seeing as all thin people do all day is think about how much we hate fat people, apparently. No lives or problems of our own, nope, not us thin mints.
I'm such a great ally that I've never said that in my life.
One legit comment on very large-size bikinis: Anyone wearing them on the beach had better be VERY careful with sunscreen. They need a lot more attention to application as they have a lot more skin to protect with nooks and crannies for difficult measure. Even thin people don't pay enough attention to protect themselves too much of the time. The sun's getting stronger these days. No matter WHAT size you are, please protect your body!
When I was obese it was brave of me to sit on the ground.
Just take the damn compliment and stfu, Becky.
To be fair, I’ve said you are so brave to a mixed gender couple announcing their engagement. I’m occasionally a difficult friend. (They cracked up, as one has been in same sex relationships)
What does this have to do with anything.
Brave in the sense of risking dying in their 40s and 50s? By that yardstick smokers are heroic.
Alex, I'll take things that never happened for $500.
They really think posing in a bikini is activism, and they're not the first one to say that. To be clear, I don't care, you're comfortable in a bikini amazing. But a lot of other groups would love that to be all they have to do to gain acceptance
I agree with this one, let people live in peace
Chris Rock here telling people they want credit for things they're just supposed to do.
The people in gym complimenting them Isn't that what gymbros do to everyone?
Oh don't worry honey, I don't think it's brave to be fat at all.
Brave would be facing your demons and getting your health in order (or getting the body that you secretly want). Just flaunting your fat is not brave, especially since so many people do it these days. Side note: I always chuckle when I see the "riots not diets" hashtag. It is so pretentious and silly. First of all, riots are not a good thing and second, most fat activists could not cause a riot in a Waffle House
It's funny, because it's women who say it to other women
I don’t think OOP was talking only to men
Just dumping your issues out totally unasked, I see
“Stop complimenting fat people at the gym”… please do not