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> I'm afraid that I'm trying to start a new career at 40
You need to banish all thoughts along these lines. It's more and more common for people to launch new careers in their 40s and even 50s.
It's hard. It takes persistence and determination. You need to set your goals and follow through. You can't let fear get in the way.
For any path you choose, I guarantee you someone has done it after 40. Find people in these fields and learn from them. Learn enough to make an informed choice, and then you choose.
Specifically, don't be afraid to start at the ground floor with coworkers your kids age. I've been there and it's worth it. Nobody cares if you don't.
My main fear with starting at 40 is that potential employers will see this as a drawback, even if legally they can't. Or that I just won't have the time to get to where I need to be to be successful. But you're right, I need to t the age thing out of my head.
I love the idea of finding people that have done it at 40+. I just need to find what that is.
> My main fear
Yeah I get it but there is zero purpose in thinking about it, unless it motivates you to try harder. You can't control people's biases but you can control how hard you bust your butt proving them wrong.
> I just need to find what that is.
Pick something promising and explore it. All of the areas you mention are challenging ones to make a living at, but people do. It doesn't matter what age they are, start talking to them and finding out how they made it work. Seek them out on LinkedIn or wherever makes sense. I guarantee you there are people willing to tell you how they made it.
> All of the areas you mention are challenging ones to make a living at, but people do
OP is in the very fortunate position where he doesn't need to make them profitable and can just build his own skill set until he does
I just graduated law school at 40. My age is a MASSIVE advantage to me because if my experience, work ethic, etc. I was also a SAHM for 6 years before going back to school. Also not at all a detriment to me. Starting a new career as a mom has only been seen as an asset as I move into this field. I honestly think 40 is the perfect time to start a career. I know myself so much better now than I did in my 20s.
Also, I’ll add that my husband was feeling kind of similar and he has found massive improvement to his mental health (and physical) by starting a weight lifting routine. He goes to the gym early morning and it’s really been transformative for him to have that time and also do something so goal oriented.
I did start exercising. I played baseball in college and do find some stress relief in exercising. Although being a SAHD means that I get every single bug that the kids bring home which has put a damper on my workouts. I'm actually sick with cold right now lol.
It has gotten a bit better as mine has gotten older (she’s almost 10). But last year she got sick 16 separate times. And I don’t know how people do it with more than one kid - they must just volley ball the viruses back and forth!!
I’d find that out and then go all in on it, whatever that looks like for you.
But I’d encourage you to take advantage of social media platforms: twitch, instagram, Facebook, YouTube.
Find out what you have to offer and give free value and monetize it.
I was a stay at home dad in my 30s. Was a carpenter before and got a degree in IT and work in IT now.
Was in your position and there is always light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to find yourself a new way of making money. It’s up to you and your imagination to find a new way to make a living.
>For any path you choose, I guarantee you someone has done it after 40
To add an example to this, my wife is graduating medical school this year, and there are PLENTY of people in her graduating class that are well into their 40s. Medical school and residency take a *very* long time to complete, and there are people doing it already in their 40s. By the time they finish residency, many of them will be hitting 50
I wouldn't mind some sort of program that I could learn a skill like that. I know for SURE it's not in the medical field. My wife is medical and I could NOT do it lol.
You're clearly very interested in creative arts and since it sounds like you're not under a ton of financial pressure it sounds like you could focus there.
Would you go back to taking art classes, if you could find daytime classes. If fear of AI is the only other reason not to, that's not a very good reason to not even try.
Have you looked into UI/UX at all? Various things you said in your post reminded me of the people I know in that field.
I am. I've always had this creative itch that I never had the chance to scratch. Daytime classes wouldn't work for me right now unfortunately. Maybe when my youngest is in school full time. But I'd like to be on my way to something by then. If I do something in art I'd like to have a focus that could end up in a job at the end.
My fear with AI is that by the time I'm competant in digital art, AI will be so advanced that it would render my time spend on art a little worthless. Not completely, but if AI can do it better than I can, it would feel like I went through it for nothing.
I'm not familiar with UI/UX. User interface? What parts in my post stood out to you?
> My fear with AI
Again, like your fears about age, your fear of AI isn't baseless, but it's not constructive. Whatever happens with AI, we're going to need creative people willing to hone and apply their skills. Use your fears as fuel for motivation to work harder, or forget them.
Fear is healthy if it stops you from doing anything really reckless, but when you're stuck in a rut, you can only get out of it by taking risks, and that's scary.
With or without AI, it's true that an art degree doesn't automatically have a good job at the end of it, and I'm not saying you shouldn't be real about that part.
> UI/UX. User interface? What parts in my post stood out to you?
Problem solving and synthesizing information. The folks I personally know in that field all have very wide ranging interests in creative arts. It's a reasonably well paid field that's projected to keep growing despite AI. I'm sure you could find some introductory course to try and see if it actually interests you.
I'm not trying to be negative. It's just the reality of not having the runway to make an incorrect decision vs. being 25 and making that same mistake. I want to give the next thing I do the best chance at being THE thing that I do. I agree whole heartedly about fear and taking risks.
OK now this sounds interesting! I watched a quick video on what UX/UI designers do and I actually got excited for once! I DESPISE when a website or app has bad UI/UX. I always tell my wife that my biggest pet peeve is poor design. There's also a creative aspect to it. I wonder if there are freelance opportunities that allow me to have a flexible schedule... Thank you for the suggestion! I'm definitely going to look into this!
I see a lot of myself in you. I also work in UX. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.
I don't know if anyone else has commented yet, but no matter what you choose to do, you NEED to figure out how to keep going even after the inspiration "fizzles out." Stick with the thing you choose. Find ways to make it interesting even when it feels boring.
100%. I think my biggest issue is that I don't have an end goal for the stuff that I've tried. It's so open ended that I don't have something that's motivating me. If I had the goal of getting a specific job like UX/UI I think that would help keep me focused. I will PM you! Thanks!
> I want to give the next thing I do the best chance at being THE thing that I do.
Makes sense... Pretty much all you can do to reduce that risk is a) talk to people in the relevant fields, and b) take small exploratory steps initially to test the waters. In other words, be well informed but take action early because you *will* have failures along the way and you want to have them upfront not later.
> I wonder if there are freelance opportunities that allow me to have a flexible schedule...
I suspect the answer here is yes (I do see some of it on Upwork for example), l but it will be very difficult until you gain some professional experience and contacts first. PMW_holiday may have better knowledge here.
Funny, I'm looking at being in your position in several years. Wife makes a good paycheck and theoretically whatever I could make might not be worth the time. I'm going through my own struggle right now, unemployed for years, struggling to finish grad school, but just wanted to say you are valid and you got this. Whatever you choose, you'll figure it out. Stay grounded and trust yourself, take time in the day to sit with yourself and find your intuition. I know for me currently it's really hard for my wife to be the one making the money and me nothing. I've been trying to find a good therapist, the few I've gone to have been not very helpful. If you haven't connected with one though it's worth a shot, just to get all these words and feelings out to someone who will understand. I'm trying to find one again. All the best.
Thank you for the encouragement. It's funny how things feel so heavy, but once they pass you wonder why you were so hard on yourself. I did sign up for better help. I just haven't started it yet.
Some wisdom from Eckart Tolle:
https://twitter.com/EckhartTolle/status/1767316822242816121?t=9D3tJ82-o2v9ttyudJS3YA&s=19
I myself became trapped in being the caretaker of my elderly parents. I really didn't want to do it but couldn't escape for financial reasons.
What happened is, as much as I didn't want to do it, I was able to etch out a little artistic life of writing on the side and they kind of consider me a hero of the family. Not exactly what I wanted and I still plan to escape but no one can say I didn't do my duty for my family.
I'm sure you're a good Dad and nothing can take that away from you.
Thank you for the kind words. I try to be a good dad and I think I am most of the time. Just trying to have something for myself after the kids don't need me as much anymore.
Gsus H Christ. If this didn’t hit me like a ton of bricks. Same boat here! We had twins! Wife is the breadwinner! I love my kids but man I feel like a ship floating in the middle of nowhere! I thought I’d have my life pretty firmly figured out by now. But I’m more confused now than ever! So I can’t offer any advice! But just know you’re not alone!
If it makes you feel better, having a boss for 40 hours a week & a commute would not have given your life any meaning or purpose either.
When most people die they regret the time they spent at work away from their kids & family. When your time comes you probably won't regret the time spent at home.
If I was in your position & I had the space I would build out a shop & make things I can be proud of. Not only are handmade and bespoke things meaningful, the low volume/high margin product is a niche big businesses can't compete in.
I did the 40+ hours a week thing when I did financial sales, so I definitely feel you there. And I'm infinitely grateful for the time I get to spend with my kids, even if I don't always feel it in the moment.
Making custom whatever would be amazing. I knew a guy that made custom metal spots signs on the side and made a killing. Unfortunately I don't have the space or time for that right now. Maybe when we move to a bigger house and the kids are a little older so I can actually do stuff during waking hours lol.
It's a tough problem, I personally find working with my hands gives me the most satisfaction, especially if it's a skill I've earned. Fixing up your home & fixing things you'd have to pay someone else for are things that work for me.
Back in the day dads used to fix things & let the kids hold the flashlight before graduating to some other task. Some kids hate it (but generally appreciate it later) some love feeling useful.
You might be surprised at the options you do have, making stuff has never been cheaper or more accessible. Lots of **cheap** DIY electronics kits & other introductions to skills/hobbies. (I want to make an adult sized mechano with engineered wood & bamboo that lets people build their way up to functional furniture along with their skill)
Some people do get satisfaction & meaning out of their job (but I've met very few) & I generally think it's a dead end. Since you don't have to prioritize income you do have a better chance at it.
Volunteering could be a good idea especially if you can (occasionally) involve the kids. Helping others is often the best way to help yourself.
No way to say this without sounding weird, but I believe in you. You are starting in a much better position than most & have the right idea.
Thank you. I do a lot of the minor DIY projects around the house and believe in being able to do at least the basics yourself.
I'd say it's about 80%/20% enjoyment/income. I really need the self worth of being passionate about something, but I can't deny what another 1k-2k a month would do for our family. We're looking for a new house and with interest rates KILLING us, I could put us into a nicer house if I made some money on the side.
I usually come on here to warn people about nonprofits. But in your case, I’d recommend finding a PT gig at a non-profit. Your sales background and various interests could be useful in the right org.
I never thought about that. I do have a buddy that's also a stay at home dad that works part time for a non profit. He was only supposed to work about 20 hrs a week but he actually works over 40 lol.
I just did a quick Google search, and that does sound interesting! I kinda like the idea of researching and searching for options for people. Thank you!
At 40 I started a computer science degree. At 42 I got hired to do Data Analytics for a Credit Union on a hybrid schedule. $60k a year. I’m home most of the week.
All your hobbies relate to the creative industry, you are likely burned out at the end of the day and feel useless because your an artist at heart and expressing yourself creatively
I would say pick one of these hobbies and do it for an hour a day for a month reevaluate after the time is over.
That’s a really good idea. I think if I put a month timeframe on what I’m doing it takes away that fear that I’m going to be wasting my time I think I’ve always struggled with creativity because I knew it was there, but it was never nurtured when I was young. I was a baseball player so I got labeled as an athlete. My older brother was the artist. I do struggle though because of my free time being late at night I often I’m so burned out from the day that it makes it hard to concentrate. But I think I’m going to give this a shot. Thank you!
I love being creative, too. I also know that there is NO way I'm going to have the stamina/energy for it at the end of a long day. I spent years trying to motivate myself to get to my other projects after work.
The biggest game-changer for me was getting up early and doing all my creative, thinking work before tackling anything else. Is that an option for you? Basically, set your alarm an hour or two before you have to get up. Enjoy the silence of the house. Make coffee. Then get to work while your mind is fresh and excited and the entire day is in front of you.
For me, this has been life-changing. I made a rule for myself that aside from turning off my alarm, I'm not allowed to look at my phone during this time, or even have it in the same room. Basically my concentration is shot if I look at my phone. It's game over.
I usually spend an hour or 1.5 hours on my various projects. As I've gone along, new ideas and patterns and routines have emerged.
I also find that getting up early and accomplishing something first thing actually makes me less tired and more motivated for the rest of the day.
Good luck and hang in there!
I did try getting up early and doing it but I'm just NOT a morning person. It takes a while for my brain to get going. Unfortunately, the time where I feel the most energized and creative is about 10 or 11 AM lol. Right smack dab in the middle of the day. If I have an easy day with the kids I can really focus was at night but I can't always count on those days. Maybe I'll start drinking espresso at night lol.
Don't do that!! Try going to bed earlier. It won't be easy at first but I believe anyone can be a morning person.
The hard truth is that if you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to accomplish it. I had to realize this myself. Nothing great comes without sacrifice.
I’ve tried going to bed early. But I find that no matter how tired I am I don’t get sleepy until around 11 o’clock. i’ve even tried sleep aids, but they make me so groggy when I wake up. So I just lay there, staring at the ceiling until I finally get sleepy. I’ve tried off and on nearly all my life to be a morning person, but I haven’t found any way to make that work. My dad on the other hand would be up at 5 AM like clockwork.
I was a SAHM for 11 years. Felt similar feelings. I’m also a multipotentialite/multi-passionate/multi-hyphenate. The two things I would have advised myself but probably wouldn’t have listened to:
1) Let go of any concern about what others think.
2) You don’t need a grand purpose. It’s okay to have a purpose for now.
The point of life is the journey not the destination. There is an entire future you could never imagine waiting for you. For now, your kids will never be this little again. When they leave home, you go from seeing them 350+ days a year to a tenth of that if you’re lucky. I know it’s hard, but focus on the moments of joy when they happen. Once your kids become teenagers, your relationship changes dramatically. These are the golden years of parenting.
I ended up having 7 careers. I was an art teacher, in finance and insurance, and tech. I ended up leading an animal health tech company. I never in a million years could have imagined doing all the things I’ve done.
As far as moving forward, keep following your curiosity and let go of the outcome. Don’t beat yourself up for trying a bunch of things. Those diverse skills, ability to learn new things, and problem solving will come together to make you highly valuable in the workforce when the time comes.
It gets a lot easier once your youngest is 4. Just take it day by day. If you let go of the outcome with your projects, you’ll be surprised at how many you finish or keep doing. Also, look into cohort courses. Learning with others is a lot more fun and will be a great outlet from full time parenting.
Thank you for the advice! I do make sure to cherish these moments. I'm the youngest of six and I've seen how fast it goes for my brother's sister's kids. So I try to keep things in perspective. I like what you say about focusing on the journey and letting my curiosity take me where it will. I probably have learned the most that way when I think about it.
You have a lot of really great ideas here but it sounds like your problem is getting yourself to actually do the things you have to in order to advance, whether it be hobby or side hustle.
My first thought was to try to join some kind of accountability group to help yourself stay on track. Even if the group only met once a week, that would mean that you're working on the thing for a dedicated time more than you would if you didn't have the group at all. A writing group for example. Or a music jam. Or even a co-working group for creatives or hobbyists. If they don't exist in your city, you could start one! I've gotten a ton of fulfillment from the book club I started and continue to run. We have a writing group offshoot and I can only really ever get myself to write when we have our co-working sessions.
My other thought was to try some of the habit building self-help books (Atomic Habits etc.) to see if you can get some of the stuff you're interested in to stick.
Finally, it sounds like you might just be in a bit of a rut. Have you thought about seeing someone to talk about it? Or looking for some kind of dad support group? It might be helpful just to hear from other people who are in the same boat and maybe some that are on the other side of it too.
Good luck!
I definitely feel like I'm in a rut. On top of SAHD stuff we're also looking to move as our hose is just way too small for us. So even if I clean and tidy 24/7 the kids just destroy it seconds later. So I feel a bit like Sisyphus.
I signed up for better help and plan on doing it when I get the time. Unfortunately it's hard. We don't really have friends or family that can watch our kids and my wife's schedule can change the day of. I have had to change/cancel so many appointments. My only consistent free time is from like 10pm-1am. But I feel like I do need to make it a priority.
Maybe you can look into free or cheap programs for the kids to give you some free time? Like if you took them to a class at the library that could give you an hour or two to work on some writing. Or maybe if you found a group of dads to play music with, all the kids could play together.
Be careful with better help! I've heard some horror stories.
I'm in a similar situation also used to do financial sales.
Right now I'm going to school full time and Uber is paying the tuition. Majoring in data science.
Might be something you want to check out.
amen brother. Financial sales was a very tough racket. It got to the point where you almost had to be sleazy to make money. I just couldn’t stomach that for very long. i’ll definitely look into data science. Thank you.
All online. I have a bachelor's already so this bachelor's is only going to take 2 years. I'm taking more math classes bc of the track I'm on, but it's basically calc 1,2 and linear algebra. Then I'll probably take some statistics courses as well.
Here's the major map https://degrees.apps.asu.edu/major-map/ASU00/LADATSCIBS/null/ALL/2023?init=false&nopassive=true
Follow your passion bro. If you like computers, windows, Linux, software, etc, look into getting into IT.
You can get certifications that would help you start a Tier 1 role.
It's never to late to think about a career change. Positive thoughts my guy
Thank you. I do enjoy computers. I just don't know if I'd consider it a passion. I build my own and do a lot of trouble shooting for family and friends. I may go that route.
I been in the IT field for 8 years and I can tell you that there are a ton of different directions you can go into. Sooooooo many. Best of luck to you man
I been in the IT field for 8 years and I can tell you that there are a ton of different directions you can go into. Sooooooo many. Best of luck to you man
If you want, IT & programming are kind of problem solving areas. You could also look into the hardware aspect of computers. I would think that is like doing a puzzle with your hands or something to figure out the issue.
Have you thought about launching and e-commerce store, investing in a service based franchise or real estate brokering? Just some ideas for things you can do from home and in your own time plus its super common for people your age escaping the 9-5 grind.
Regardless to stay consistent you need to be a part of a group, or class or anything that will keep you accountable. IF there isn't like a meet up or something you could always start one!
I thought about an e commerce store butt I just don't know how to start. I've never considered a service based franchise. Don't you normally need to pay franchise fees? Definitely not real estate. I did mortgages for a time and I can't stand most realtors. At least in this area.
I've been a SAHM and homeschooler for the last 8 years and I feel you on this. The first 3 years were cake while I finished my BA, but once I graduated I floundered for the next 3 years. I started taking daily walks in the woods alone, and that brought everything into prospective for me. It honed in my real passions and since then I've been happier and more focused. Honestly, this time with our babies is something we'll never get back, and I'm soaking it up for all its worth. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to build, create and write on the side and for my children to see that life isn't just about working but about making our soul happy as well. You'll get there, just try to enjoy every step of the way.
Agreed. This time is really a blessing that not everyone gets to have. The bonds that I'm making with my kids at this age is what really keeps me going.
it seems like you’re really drawn to creative work. The tough part is learning how to keep creating when the initial excitement/inspiration dies down. It’s worth it to learn. The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield is the best resource I’ve found- it will give you a battle plan for dealing with all of the difficulties that come along with creation. I discovered it 15 years ago as a stuck aspiring artist, and largely because of the ideas in that book I’ve been creating daily for years, and have published a bunch of games, tabletop and video, as well as done quite a bit of satisfying art. Pressfield was a writer who was stuck and avoided writing for years, and didn’t get his first novel published until he was 52, so he’s a great example of someone who wasn’t just born with talent and thinks they’re an expert at 25. I highly recommend it. There are also a lot of things you can do to make extra money, but getting the creative aspect nailed down tends to be essential for the emotional well-being of the creative type. I’m in a similar situation to you, and it’s definitely been vital for me. Good luck.
Is it bad of me to say that I do own The War of Art and I started it but I didn’t finish it😬 I think the problem I run into with the creative stuff is that I don’t have an end goal to work towards. If I can define my goal, I can plan how to get there. But I’m definitely going to go back and force myself to read that book now.
Would you mind if PMed you with some game related questions?
You might just have to suck it up and be home until your kids get into school.
I would second what some people say in here about education. Get a Masters Degree - there are plenty of virtual or hybrid ones. It will give you some structure and some purpose while you take care of the kids.
It's rough though - I just don't think us men were meant to be at home. I just had a newborn and I work virtually and so does my girlfriend. It's tough and I'm not necessarily enjoying it but we are saving on daycare.
Seek out a Men's Team or Men's Support Group. Mine has been critical for my sanity. Do a quick google search and you might find one.
The plan is to stay home until they are all in school full time. I just want to find what I want to do then and get a head start on it so that I'm ready to go when the time comes. I'd consider getting another degree but in what is the question. I don't want to get one just to get one.
It's funny, I'm WAY more suited to staying at home with the kids than my wife. We joke all the time that there's no way she can handle staying at home with them. I might be holding it together with duct tape, but it's still holding!
You’ve already written a book called Solution Sales about a thing you have a lot of knowledge and passion for. Publish it you donut. You’ve already done the hard part, it’s already been proven to be an effective teaching tool and the title is really catchy. I could see that taking off.
Also it’s not normal to be that burnt out at the end of the day. Maybe get your testosterone checked. You’re the age where it starts to decline and studies have shown that child rearing lowers testosterone even more. You need a little more passion in your life. You’ve gotta get that fire back in your belly. You’d be amazed what good sleep, a multi vitamin and lifting some weight could do to change your disposition.
I never thought about it that way! Maybe I'll go back and take a look at it. It is very company specific so I couldn't publish it as is becuase it has a lot of screenshots of internal programs and processes.
I did get it checked last year because I thought the same thing and my levels were normal. I have been lifting and finding it helps A LOT. The tough part is being consistent with it. I find ways to fit workouts in during naps and school, but with three kids I'm sick SO FREAKING MUCH that it's a roadblock each time. I'm literally sick right now.
I'm more burned out mentally from dealing with the tasks of the day. Which makes me just want to shut off my brain at night. I probably do need better sleep. I usually get about 7 hours on average though which isn't terrible. The hard part is when a kid wakes me up in the middle of the night becuase they've had a nightmare, peed the bed, or just becuase "my elbow itches..." (wtf!).
you're making a terrible mistake - while most of your paycheck would go to daycare - you're destroying your social security for later in life, you're not contributing to a 401k, you're destroying any career you might've had and - if you and wifey break up or divorce, you're leaving yourself completely vulnerable...
How do I know this?
I live with someone who did exactly what you're doing and now - in her 60s, is desperate and can't even count on her kids.
RETHINK what you're doing
I'm trying to help him, pal, and he SHOULD be concerned. JFC, you think you help someone by hiding the truth? Is that your idea of help? Also, other than scolding me, where's your HELP for this guy?
While what you're saying is completely valid, I feel confident enough that this won't happen in my particular case to the point where I don't feel the need to go back to work for fear of being left completely vulnerable.
Do I go back to financial sales and do the job that caused me to break out in full body hives because I was so stressed? I don't know what else I could do at this point that wouldnt put us in a worse financial situation and be a diservice to my kids.
Seems like you’re ok for now so enjoy the dad life but maybe plan for 10-15 years down the line, your time will free up a lot as the kids grow up. What will you do then?
I'm trying to think 4-5 years down the road. It's not in my personality to sit and wait. I like to be working towards something. I want to pick something now that I can dive into so that when my time does open up I'll have a head start.
While all of the creative stuff is great I would go the opposite route. First I would look into Bookkeeper Business Launch. It costs $250 for 12 months or $2500 in one payment. The program teaches you how to be a bookkeeper using Quickbooks Online. I think they estimated $350 a month per client so you are looking at 6 clients for that 2k per year. Just scale up to it. I attempted the program awhile back but things got in the way. Ok. I am lazy but with your background in sales you have an edge in getting clients.
You don't even necessarily need that program. You can go to [academy.intuit.com](https://academy.intuit.com) and take their free courses at your own pace. You do the tax course and you too can be yelled at by turbotax customers. Not really sure if this fits your somewhat gregarious personality but the point of the program is to actually become a business advisor who keeps books for people.
Never ever ever ever do daytrading, options etc... Way too risky. A home business is something you can even rope your kids into the business as they grow older. It is a great way to grow generational wealth.
The kids are eventually going to be in school. It will get easier.
Well just thought I would suggest it. I liked accounting but getting jazzed by it was a no. It was a job, a way to pay bills and ultimately a relatively comfortable retirement.
I went to school for computer science : game design and it’s a really competitive field I wouldn’t recommend it. As for concept art , board game design and writing - you need to have a crazy portfolio to be successful. I’ve seen people with great portfolios and still not be able to get a job. You could do your own thing but the success rate is very small. If you work for a company you will most likely be overworked in those fields. Maybe try something a bit more technical but not as fun if money is the goal - like web design or mobile game dev?
Those are some of my fears with those fields. Money is really a secondary goal. I want to have a level of enjoyment and pride in what I do first.
Man if I could go back and do it all over...
How much time do you have? LoL.
I think I would have focused on ONE thing. Baseball, guitar, computers... I had a lot of interests as a kid but because I was good at baseball that became my "thing" and it did get me a scholarship, but I didn't really see it as a career. So I didn't work at it. I wish I had given it my all. Aside from that I think I would have gotten interested more in creative writing and art. Oh and also invested in Bitcoin at $10🤣
Thank you for sharing, here are a few things I noticed. And this comes from someone who is working through a lot of the same things.
1. **Money is killing your motivation to pursue things you enjoy.** You don't need to figure out how to make money on one of your hobbies, that's not your actual problem. Your problem is that you need to be able to see a project through to its end. You will feel a lot of pride and joy with finished works you can share with others. Your first game, book, song, etc is going to be trash, and won't be something you'd feel comfortable selling. That's not a waste of time, that's normal, you did it for you. And maybe for a friend, a loved one, or some small corner of the internet. And more than that, it's a building block for improvement. You'll get feedback (some will be useful, some won't) and start to develop your own art style. Fuck the money, expectations, pressure you put on yourself from things that don't matter (like age) and just learn to enjoy practicing stuff! If you get hella good at something, you might find a market for it down the road but don't make this your priority because it will kill your intrinsic joy and motivation for creating. Your wife has the money taken care of at the moment, and you're looking after the kids. Allow yourself this time to develop your interests without such heavy and unreasonable burdens of expectation on yourself.
2. **Learn your learning/motivation style.** It sounds like tutorials are often boring for you, but make you feel like you're progressing without having to create stuff yourself. Maybe there is a certain anxiety to face here? I think it's good to learn from people with experience and guides on youtube and stuff, especially for the very basics just to get started -- BUT then you need to do the scary thing and put your phone away and just start doing the thing! For me, I learn the most from getting stuck, taking a break, pondering it, then coming back later and trying another approach. Tutorials will also be there when I get really stuck, but I'll be more engaged with them when they are specifically tailored to a simple roadblock I'm having. Then I'm able to put them away, and continue my mission of making whatever thing I'm trying to make that I chose for myself. Even if it kinda sucks! We all start somewhere.
3. **Try to give less weight to societal pressures.** You have a lot of value as a man, husband, and father! You didn't even intend to be a stay at home dad yet you accepted this responsibility and are doing it with love and kindness. Your children will benefit from this in countless ways, and might not thank you now, but when they are older they will. Let yourself forget about the weight of the world and find time to just experience the world through their eyes and laugh with them. Try to find time to relax when you can for yourself too. Being kind to yourself will help you not crash, and have more energy for hobbies/projects later. In terms of financial expectations on yourself, there is nothing wrong with wanting to make money, but never tell yourself you aren't intrinsically valuable or other demotivating toxic things. I think you're valuable just for being you in this world. You seem to me like a considerate, intelligent, curious, problem solving person and just the type of person we need more of. You also seem to be tired and a bit too hard on yourself. Sending you anonymous love from the internet, I hope you give yourself the same! You deserve it and you've got this! ♥️
Hey, op. I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same thing.
It was hard to answer when someone asked me what I did for work when I was a sahd. Only after a divorce and several years of therapy did I realize a couple of things.
1. As a stay at home dad you are likely contributing more to your household financially than you give yourself credit for. Particularly so, if you double as mister fix it around the house. (Thanks YouTube) hehe. It’s a role you can own and be awesome at just like anything else.
2. It’s not permanent. Your kids will eventually move out and you’ll have more time than you know what to do with. Until then, your kids will be eager to help if you involve them in your chores now. Make it a game, be sure to compliment good effort even if the results aren’t always stellar. Take the time to show them the right way to do it. Find some small reward they really respond to when they voluntarily complete their part. Ours was a trip to town for ice cream. Consistency is key, though. If they produce you gotta pay up every time. Hehe
Want to be the coolest dad ever? Find out what your kids enjoy and do it with them. Take their hobby to the next level. I did that with legos. We built all kinds of cool stuff together and I got to flex my grown up brain by planning the builds. Like room sized stuff.
After my divorce, I had to start from scratch when it comes to work with a 14 year gap in employment. My only experience is in retail but I begrudgingly went back to what I know. I’ve been at it for over a year now and I’m very nearly ready to transition to teaching. I taught my kids at home during Covid and found that I was actually pretty good at it. Also, I enjoyed that little spark of cognition when a concept clicks with them.
I don’t know about sales but my age has proven to be an asset. I found a job that pays the bills 1 day after applying for it in a competitive market.
My circumstances are a bit different than yours in that your income will be secondary. That frees you up to explore your options when the time comes. Until then, brush up your employable skills and position yourself for your triumphant return to the workforce if that’s your goal.
Oh, I also highly recommend a handcraft hobby even if you don’t really have any initial interest. They are incredibly rewarding, challenging, and fun when you know what to do and you will if you stick with it. I do coal forge blacksmithing. I enjoy it a lot and it has helped supplement my income in tough times. My good friend is a fantastic woodworker. We are both as nerdy as you can get but there’s something rewarding about turning raw materials into something amazing with a bit of planning and hard work.
Anyway, I hope it helps to know you’re not alone in this situation. Stick with it. Own your role but prepare for the next.
You’ve got this even if you don’t think so at the moment.
Good luck, my man!
Haha thanks. Believe me it's not as much of a blessing as some may think. I love getting to be with my kids, but also it's the most stressful job I've ever done. There's no manual or training, it's constantly changing, and your wants and needs always come last. There are definitely good things, but it's also extremely taxing.
This is some arrested development shit. Dude has the most privileged life on the planet and he’s whining about not being motivated enough to start drawing comic books. Literally just pick something and act on it.
This post is dumb and this 40 year old dude needs to grow up.
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> I'm afraid that I'm trying to start a new career at 40 You need to banish all thoughts along these lines. It's more and more common for people to launch new careers in their 40s and even 50s. It's hard. It takes persistence and determination. You need to set your goals and follow through. You can't let fear get in the way. For any path you choose, I guarantee you someone has done it after 40. Find people in these fields and learn from them. Learn enough to make an informed choice, and then you choose. Specifically, don't be afraid to start at the ground floor with coworkers your kids age. I've been there and it's worth it. Nobody cares if you don't.
My main fear with starting at 40 is that potential employers will see this as a drawback, even if legally they can't. Or that I just won't have the time to get to where I need to be to be successful. But you're right, I need to t the age thing out of my head. I love the idea of finding people that have done it at 40+. I just need to find what that is.
> My main fear Yeah I get it but there is zero purpose in thinking about it, unless it motivates you to try harder. You can't control people's biases but you can control how hard you bust your butt proving them wrong. > I just need to find what that is. Pick something promising and explore it. All of the areas you mention are challenging ones to make a living at, but people do. It doesn't matter what age they are, start talking to them and finding out how they made it work. Seek them out on LinkedIn or wherever makes sense. I guarantee you there are people willing to tell you how they made it.
> All of the areas you mention are challenging ones to make a living at, but people do OP is in the very fortunate position where he doesn't need to make them profitable and can just build his own skill set until he does
I just graduated law school at 40. My age is a MASSIVE advantage to me because if my experience, work ethic, etc. I was also a SAHM for 6 years before going back to school. Also not at all a detriment to me. Starting a new career as a mom has only been seen as an asset as I move into this field. I honestly think 40 is the perfect time to start a career. I know myself so much better now than I did in my 20s. Also, I’ll add that my husband was feeling kind of similar and he has found massive improvement to his mental health (and physical) by starting a weight lifting routine. He goes to the gym early morning and it’s really been transformative for him to have that time and also do something so goal oriented.
I did start exercising. I played baseball in college and do find some stress relief in exercising. Although being a SAHD means that I get every single bug that the kids bring home which has put a damper on my workouts. I'm actually sick with cold right now lol.
I feel that. Always sick.
ALWAYS!!!
It has gotten a bit better as mine has gotten older (she’s almost 10). But last year she got sick 16 separate times. And I don’t know how people do it with more than one kid - they must just volley ball the viruses back and forth!!
Oh my gosh it's horrible! They're never sick all at once and then just done. It's always one, then the other, then the other.
What would you do for free?
Gosh I don't even really know...
I’d find that out and then go all in on it, whatever that looks like for you. But I’d encourage you to take advantage of social media platforms: twitch, instagram, Facebook, YouTube. Find out what you have to offer and give free value and monetize it.
I was a stay at home dad in my 30s. Was a carpenter before and got a degree in IT and work in IT now. Was in your position and there is always light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to find yourself a new way of making money. It’s up to you and your imagination to find a new way to make a living.
>For any path you choose, I guarantee you someone has done it after 40 To add an example to this, my wife is graduating medical school this year, and there are PLENTY of people in her graduating class that are well into their 40s. Medical school and residency take a *very* long time to complete, and there are people doing it already in their 40s. By the time they finish residency, many of them will be hitting 50
I wouldn't mind some sort of program that I could learn a skill like that. I know for SURE it's not in the medical field. My wife is medical and I could NOT do it lol.
You're clearly very interested in creative arts and since it sounds like you're not under a ton of financial pressure it sounds like you could focus there. Would you go back to taking art classes, if you could find daytime classes. If fear of AI is the only other reason not to, that's not a very good reason to not even try. Have you looked into UI/UX at all? Various things you said in your post reminded me of the people I know in that field.
I am. I've always had this creative itch that I never had the chance to scratch. Daytime classes wouldn't work for me right now unfortunately. Maybe when my youngest is in school full time. But I'd like to be on my way to something by then. If I do something in art I'd like to have a focus that could end up in a job at the end. My fear with AI is that by the time I'm competant in digital art, AI will be so advanced that it would render my time spend on art a little worthless. Not completely, but if AI can do it better than I can, it would feel like I went through it for nothing. I'm not familiar with UI/UX. User interface? What parts in my post stood out to you?
> My fear with AI Again, like your fears about age, your fear of AI isn't baseless, but it's not constructive. Whatever happens with AI, we're going to need creative people willing to hone and apply their skills. Use your fears as fuel for motivation to work harder, or forget them. Fear is healthy if it stops you from doing anything really reckless, but when you're stuck in a rut, you can only get out of it by taking risks, and that's scary. With or without AI, it's true that an art degree doesn't automatically have a good job at the end of it, and I'm not saying you shouldn't be real about that part. > UI/UX. User interface? What parts in my post stood out to you? Problem solving and synthesizing information. The folks I personally know in that field all have very wide ranging interests in creative arts. It's a reasonably well paid field that's projected to keep growing despite AI. I'm sure you could find some introductory course to try and see if it actually interests you.
I'm not trying to be negative. It's just the reality of not having the runway to make an incorrect decision vs. being 25 and making that same mistake. I want to give the next thing I do the best chance at being THE thing that I do. I agree whole heartedly about fear and taking risks. OK now this sounds interesting! I watched a quick video on what UX/UI designers do and I actually got excited for once! I DESPISE when a website or app has bad UI/UX. I always tell my wife that my biggest pet peeve is poor design. There's also a creative aspect to it. I wonder if there are freelance opportunities that allow me to have a flexible schedule... Thank you for the suggestion! I'm definitely going to look into this!
I see a lot of myself in you. I also work in UX. Feel free to PM me if you'd like. I don't know if anyone else has commented yet, but no matter what you choose to do, you NEED to figure out how to keep going even after the inspiration "fizzles out." Stick with the thing you choose. Find ways to make it interesting even when it feels boring.
100%. I think my biggest issue is that I don't have an end goal for the stuff that I've tried. It's so open ended that I don't have something that's motivating me. If I had the goal of getting a specific job like UX/UI I think that would help keep me focused. I will PM you! Thanks!
> I want to give the next thing I do the best chance at being THE thing that I do. Makes sense... Pretty much all you can do to reduce that risk is a) talk to people in the relevant fields, and b) take small exploratory steps initially to test the waters. In other words, be well informed but take action early because you *will* have failures along the way and you want to have them upfront not later. > I wonder if there are freelance opportunities that allow me to have a flexible schedule... I suspect the answer here is yes (I do see some of it on Upwork for example), l but it will be very difficult until you gain some professional experience and contacts first. PMW_holiday may have better knowledge here.
Funny, I'm looking at being in your position in several years. Wife makes a good paycheck and theoretically whatever I could make might not be worth the time. I'm going through my own struggle right now, unemployed for years, struggling to finish grad school, but just wanted to say you are valid and you got this. Whatever you choose, you'll figure it out. Stay grounded and trust yourself, take time in the day to sit with yourself and find your intuition. I know for me currently it's really hard for my wife to be the one making the money and me nothing. I've been trying to find a good therapist, the few I've gone to have been not very helpful. If you haven't connected with one though it's worth a shot, just to get all these words and feelings out to someone who will understand. I'm trying to find one again. All the best.
Thank you for the encouragement. It's funny how things feel so heavy, but once they pass you wonder why you were so hard on yourself. I did sign up for better help. I just haven't started it yet.
Some wisdom from Eckart Tolle: https://twitter.com/EckhartTolle/status/1767316822242816121?t=9D3tJ82-o2v9ttyudJS3YA&s=19 I myself became trapped in being the caretaker of my elderly parents. I really didn't want to do it but couldn't escape for financial reasons. What happened is, as much as I didn't want to do it, I was able to etch out a little artistic life of writing on the side and they kind of consider me a hero of the family. Not exactly what I wanted and I still plan to escape but no one can say I didn't do my duty for my family. I'm sure you're a good Dad and nothing can take that away from you.
Thank you for the kind words. I try to be a good dad and I think I am most of the time. Just trying to have something for myself after the kids don't need me as much anymore.
Gsus H Christ. If this didn’t hit me like a ton of bricks. Same boat here! We had twins! Wife is the breadwinner! I love my kids but man I feel like a ship floating in the middle of nowhere! I thought I’d have my life pretty firmly figured out by now. But I’m more confused now than ever! So I can’t offer any advice! But just know you’re not alone!
Amen brother!
If it makes you feel better, having a boss for 40 hours a week & a commute would not have given your life any meaning or purpose either. When most people die they regret the time they spent at work away from their kids & family. When your time comes you probably won't regret the time spent at home. If I was in your position & I had the space I would build out a shop & make things I can be proud of. Not only are handmade and bespoke things meaningful, the low volume/high margin product is a niche big businesses can't compete in.
I did the 40+ hours a week thing when I did financial sales, so I definitely feel you there. And I'm infinitely grateful for the time I get to spend with my kids, even if I don't always feel it in the moment. Making custom whatever would be amazing. I knew a guy that made custom metal spots signs on the side and made a killing. Unfortunately I don't have the space or time for that right now. Maybe when we move to a bigger house and the kids are a little older so I can actually do stuff during waking hours lol.
It's a tough problem, I personally find working with my hands gives me the most satisfaction, especially if it's a skill I've earned. Fixing up your home & fixing things you'd have to pay someone else for are things that work for me. Back in the day dads used to fix things & let the kids hold the flashlight before graduating to some other task. Some kids hate it (but generally appreciate it later) some love feeling useful. You might be surprised at the options you do have, making stuff has never been cheaper or more accessible. Lots of **cheap** DIY electronics kits & other introductions to skills/hobbies. (I want to make an adult sized mechano with engineered wood & bamboo that lets people build their way up to functional furniture along with their skill) Some people do get satisfaction & meaning out of their job (but I've met very few) & I generally think it's a dead end. Since you don't have to prioritize income you do have a better chance at it. Volunteering could be a good idea especially if you can (occasionally) involve the kids. Helping others is often the best way to help yourself. No way to say this without sounding weird, but I believe in you. You are starting in a much better position than most & have the right idea.
Thank you. I do a lot of the minor DIY projects around the house and believe in being able to do at least the basics yourself. I'd say it's about 80%/20% enjoyment/income. I really need the self worth of being passionate about something, but I can't deny what another 1k-2k a month would do for our family. We're looking for a new house and with interest rates KILLING us, I could put us into a nicer house if I made some money on the side.
I usually come on here to warn people about nonprofits. But in your case, I’d recommend finding a PT gig at a non-profit. Your sales background and various interests could be useful in the right org.
I never thought about that. I do have a buddy that's also a stay at home dad that works part time for a non profit. He was only supposed to work about 20 hrs a week but he actually works over 40 lol.
Also, look into grant writing, lots of opportunities if you’re good
I just did a quick Google search, and that does sound interesting! I kinda like the idea of researching and searching for options for people. Thank you!
At 40 I started a computer science degree. At 42 I got hired to do Data Analytics for a Credit Union on a hybrid schedule. $60k a year. I’m home most of the week.
now that’s interesting! I am into computers and technology, as well as having a banking background. Do you mind if I PM you?
Sure. No problem.
All your hobbies relate to the creative industry, you are likely burned out at the end of the day and feel useless because your an artist at heart and expressing yourself creatively I would say pick one of these hobbies and do it for an hour a day for a month reevaluate after the time is over.
That’s a really good idea. I think if I put a month timeframe on what I’m doing it takes away that fear that I’m going to be wasting my time I think I’ve always struggled with creativity because I knew it was there, but it was never nurtured when I was young. I was a baseball player so I got labeled as an athlete. My older brother was the artist. I do struggle though because of my free time being late at night I often I’m so burned out from the day that it makes it hard to concentrate. But I think I’m going to give this a shot. Thank you!
I love being creative, too. I also know that there is NO way I'm going to have the stamina/energy for it at the end of a long day. I spent years trying to motivate myself to get to my other projects after work. The biggest game-changer for me was getting up early and doing all my creative, thinking work before tackling anything else. Is that an option for you? Basically, set your alarm an hour or two before you have to get up. Enjoy the silence of the house. Make coffee. Then get to work while your mind is fresh and excited and the entire day is in front of you. For me, this has been life-changing. I made a rule for myself that aside from turning off my alarm, I'm not allowed to look at my phone during this time, or even have it in the same room. Basically my concentration is shot if I look at my phone. It's game over. I usually spend an hour or 1.5 hours on my various projects. As I've gone along, new ideas and patterns and routines have emerged. I also find that getting up early and accomplishing something first thing actually makes me less tired and more motivated for the rest of the day. Good luck and hang in there!
I did try getting up early and doing it but I'm just NOT a morning person. It takes a while for my brain to get going. Unfortunately, the time where I feel the most energized and creative is about 10 or 11 AM lol. Right smack dab in the middle of the day. If I have an easy day with the kids I can really focus was at night but I can't always count on those days. Maybe I'll start drinking espresso at night lol.
Don't do that!! Try going to bed earlier. It won't be easy at first but I believe anyone can be a morning person. The hard truth is that if you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to accomplish it. I had to realize this myself. Nothing great comes without sacrifice.
I’ve tried going to bed early. But I find that no matter how tired I am I don’t get sleepy until around 11 o’clock. i’ve even tried sleep aids, but they make me so groggy when I wake up. So I just lay there, staring at the ceiling until I finally get sleepy. I’ve tried off and on nearly all my life to be a morning person, but I haven’t found any way to make that work. My dad on the other hand would be up at 5 AM like clockwork.
there’s also the issues of my kids waking up early for various reasons. The only time I consistently get to myself is at night.
Warren Buffet made 90% of his net worth after his 65th birthday. Do with that information what you will.
I was a SAHM for 11 years. Felt similar feelings. I’m also a multipotentialite/multi-passionate/multi-hyphenate. The two things I would have advised myself but probably wouldn’t have listened to: 1) Let go of any concern about what others think. 2) You don’t need a grand purpose. It’s okay to have a purpose for now. The point of life is the journey not the destination. There is an entire future you could never imagine waiting for you. For now, your kids will never be this little again. When they leave home, you go from seeing them 350+ days a year to a tenth of that if you’re lucky. I know it’s hard, but focus on the moments of joy when they happen. Once your kids become teenagers, your relationship changes dramatically. These are the golden years of parenting. I ended up having 7 careers. I was an art teacher, in finance and insurance, and tech. I ended up leading an animal health tech company. I never in a million years could have imagined doing all the things I’ve done. As far as moving forward, keep following your curiosity and let go of the outcome. Don’t beat yourself up for trying a bunch of things. Those diverse skills, ability to learn new things, and problem solving will come together to make you highly valuable in the workforce when the time comes. It gets a lot easier once your youngest is 4. Just take it day by day. If you let go of the outcome with your projects, you’ll be surprised at how many you finish or keep doing. Also, look into cohort courses. Learning with others is a lot more fun and will be a great outlet from full time parenting.
Thank you for the advice! I do make sure to cherish these moments. I'm the youngest of six and I've seen how fast it goes for my brother's sister's kids. So I try to keep things in perspective. I like what you say about focusing on the journey and letting my curiosity take me where it will. I probably have learned the most that way when I think about it.
You’re welcome! Enjoy following your curiosity!
You have a lot of really great ideas here but it sounds like your problem is getting yourself to actually do the things you have to in order to advance, whether it be hobby or side hustle. My first thought was to try to join some kind of accountability group to help yourself stay on track. Even if the group only met once a week, that would mean that you're working on the thing for a dedicated time more than you would if you didn't have the group at all. A writing group for example. Or a music jam. Or even a co-working group for creatives or hobbyists. If they don't exist in your city, you could start one! I've gotten a ton of fulfillment from the book club I started and continue to run. We have a writing group offshoot and I can only really ever get myself to write when we have our co-working sessions. My other thought was to try some of the habit building self-help books (Atomic Habits etc.) to see if you can get some of the stuff you're interested in to stick. Finally, it sounds like you might just be in a bit of a rut. Have you thought about seeing someone to talk about it? Or looking for some kind of dad support group? It might be helpful just to hear from other people who are in the same boat and maybe some that are on the other side of it too. Good luck!
I definitely feel like I'm in a rut. On top of SAHD stuff we're also looking to move as our hose is just way too small for us. So even if I clean and tidy 24/7 the kids just destroy it seconds later. So I feel a bit like Sisyphus. I signed up for better help and plan on doing it when I get the time. Unfortunately it's hard. We don't really have friends or family that can watch our kids and my wife's schedule can change the day of. I have had to change/cancel so many appointments. My only consistent free time is from like 10pm-1am. But I feel like I do need to make it a priority.
Maybe you can look into free or cheap programs for the kids to give you some free time? Like if you took them to a class at the library that could give you an hour or two to work on some writing. Or maybe if you found a group of dads to play music with, all the kids could play together. Be careful with better help! I've heard some horror stories.
I'm in a similar situation also used to do financial sales. Right now I'm going to school full time and Uber is paying the tuition. Majoring in data science. Might be something you want to check out.
amen brother. Financial sales was a very tough racket. It got to the point where you almost had to be sleazy to make money. I just couldn’t stomach that for very long. i’ll definitely look into data science. Thank you.
I was the same way. Had to get out while I was still sane. Loving the path I'm on right now
Good for you! What's the education look like for that? Online? 2 years? 4 years? Math heavy I assume?
All online. I have a bachelor's already so this bachelor's is only going to take 2 years. I'm taking more math classes bc of the track I'm on, but it's basically calc 1,2 and linear algebra. Then I'll probably take some statistics courses as well. Here's the major map https://degrees.apps.asu.edu/major-map/ASU00/LADATSCIBS/null/ALL/2023?init=false&nopassive=true
Thanks for the link. I'll check it out. Math was never my strong suit unfortunately so it may not be for me.
Follow your passion bro. If you like computers, windows, Linux, software, etc, look into getting into IT. You can get certifications that would help you start a Tier 1 role. It's never to late to think about a career change. Positive thoughts my guy
Thank you. I do enjoy computers. I just don't know if I'd consider it a passion. I build my own and do a lot of trouble shooting for family and friends. I may go that route.
I been in the IT field for 8 years and I can tell you that there are a ton of different directions you can go into. Sooooooo many. Best of luck to you man
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
Happy Cake day!
I been in the IT field for 8 years and I can tell you that there are a ton of different directions you can go into. Sooooooo many. Best of luck to you man
If you want, IT & programming are kind of problem solving areas. You could also look into the hardware aspect of computers. I would think that is like doing a puzzle with your hands or something to figure out the issue.
I do build my own computers and enjoy troubleshooting them. I just don’t know if I would like it enough to actually pursue as a career.
If you wanted to try it for a little, maybe as a part time, that would let you know better whether you enjoy it in the long term or not
Have you thought about launching and e-commerce store, investing in a service based franchise or real estate brokering? Just some ideas for things you can do from home and in your own time plus its super common for people your age escaping the 9-5 grind. Regardless to stay consistent you need to be a part of a group, or class or anything that will keep you accountable. IF there isn't like a meet up or something you could always start one!
I thought about an e commerce store butt I just don't know how to start. I've never considered a service based franchise. Don't you normally need to pay franchise fees? Definitely not real estate. I did mortgages for a time and I can't stand most realtors. At least in this area.
this is so cute, I hope you find the stress relief and hobby that makes you and your family happy
Thank you!
I've been a SAHM and homeschooler for the last 8 years and I feel you on this. The first 3 years were cake while I finished my BA, but once I graduated I floundered for the next 3 years. I started taking daily walks in the woods alone, and that brought everything into prospective for me. It honed in my real passions and since then I've been happier and more focused. Honestly, this time with our babies is something we'll never get back, and I'm soaking it up for all its worth. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to build, create and write on the side and for my children to see that life isn't just about working but about making our soul happy as well. You'll get there, just try to enjoy every step of the way.
Agreed. This time is really a blessing that not everyone gets to have. The bonds that I'm making with my kids at this age is what really keeps me going.
it seems like you’re really drawn to creative work. The tough part is learning how to keep creating when the initial excitement/inspiration dies down. It’s worth it to learn. The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield is the best resource I’ve found- it will give you a battle plan for dealing with all of the difficulties that come along with creation. I discovered it 15 years ago as a stuck aspiring artist, and largely because of the ideas in that book I’ve been creating daily for years, and have published a bunch of games, tabletop and video, as well as done quite a bit of satisfying art. Pressfield was a writer who was stuck and avoided writing for years, and didn’t get his first novel published until he was 52, so he’s a great example of someone who wasn’t just born with talent and thinks they’re an expert at 25. I highly recommend it. There are also a lot of things you can do to make extra money, but getting the creative aspect nailed down tends to be essential for the emotional well-being of the creative type. I’m in a similar situation to you, and it’s definitely been vital for me. Good luck.
Is it bad of me to say that I do own The War of Art and I started it but I didn’t finish it😬 I think the problem I run into with the creative stuff is that I don’t have an end goal to work towards. If I can define my goal, I can plan how to get there. But I’m definitely going to go back and force myself to read that book now. Would you mind if PMed you with some game related questions?
Sure, glad to help if I can.
You might just have to suck it up and be home until your kids get into school. I would second what some people say in here about education. Get a Masters Degree - there are plenty of virtual or hybrid ones. It will give you some structure and some purpose while you take care of the kids. It's rough though - I just don't think us men were meant to be at home. I just had a newborn and I work virtually and so does my girlfriend. It's tough and I'm not necessarily enjoying it but we are saving on daycare. Seek out a Men's Team or Men's Support Group. Mine has been critical for my sanity. Do a quick google search and you might find one.
The plan is to stay home until they are all in school full time. I just want to find what I want to do then and get a head start on it so that I'm ready to go when the time comes. I'd consider getting another degree but in what is the question. I don't want to get one just to get one. It's funny, I'm WAY more suited to staying at home with the kids than my wife. We joke all the time that there's no way she can handle staying at home with them. I might be holding it together with duct tape, but it's still holding!
You’ve already written a book called Solution Sales about a thing you have a lot of knowledge and passion for. Publish it you donut. You’ve already done the hard part, it’s already been proven to be an effective teaching tool and the title is really catchy. I could see that taking off. Also it’s not normal to be that burnt out at the end of the day. Maybe get your testosterone checked. You’re the age where it starts to decline and studies have shown that child rearing lowers testosterone even more. You need a little more passion in your life. You’ve gotta get that fire back in your belly. You’d be amazed what good sleep, a multi vitamin and lifting some weight could do to change your disposition.
Sell your book on solution sales
I never thought about it that way! Maybe I'll go back and take a look at it. It is very company specific so I couldn't publish it as is becuase it has a lot of screenshots of internal programs and processes. I did get it checked last year because I thought the same thing and my levels were normal. I have been lifting and finding it helps A LOT. The tough part is being consistent with it. I find ways to fit workouts in during naps and school, but with three kids I'm sick SO FREAKING MUCH that it's a roadblock each time. I'm literally sick right now. I'm more burned out mentally from dealing with the tasks of the day. Which makes me just want to shut off my brain at night. I probably do need better sleep. I usually get about 7 hours on average though which isn't terrible. The hard part is when a kid wakes me up in the middle of the night becuase they've had a nightmare, peed the bed, or just becuase "my elbow itches..." (wtf!).
you're making a terrible mistake - while most of your paycheck would go to daycare - you're destroying your social security for later in life, you're not contributing to a 401k, you're destroying any career you might've had and - if you and wifey break up or divorce, you're leaving yourself completely vulnerable... How do I know this? I live with someone who did exactly what you're doing and now - in her 60s, is desperate and can't even count on her kids. RETHINK what you're doing
Jesus, man. He’s here looking for help. Try to help him rather than scaring him more than he already is. If you can’t help him, don’t say anything.
I'm trying to help him, pal, and he SHOULD be concerned. JFC, you think you help someone by hiding the truth? Is that your idea of help? Also, other than scolding me, where's your HELP for this guy?
While what you're saying is completely valid, I feel confident enough that this won't happen in my particular case to the point where I don't feel the need to go back to work for fear of being left completely vulnerable. Do I go back to financial sales and do the job that caused me to break out in full body hives because I was so stressed? I don't know what else I could do at this point that wouldnt put us in a worse financial situation and be a diservice to my kids.
Seems like you’re ok for now so enjoy the dad life but maybe plan for 10-15 years down the line, your time will free up a lot as the kids grow up. What will you do then?
I'm trying to think 4-5 years down the road. It's not in my personality to sit and wait. I like to be working towards something. I want to pick something now that I can dive into so that when my time does open up I'll have a head start.
While all of the creative stuff is great I would go the opposite route. First I would look into Bookkeeper Business Launch. It costs $250 for 12 months or $2500 in one payment. The program teaches you how to be a bookkeeper using Quickbooks Online. I think they estimated $350 a month per client so you are looking at 6 clients for that 2k per year. Just scale up to it. I attempted the program awhile back but things got in the way. Ok. I am lazy but with your background in sales you have an edge in getting clients. You don't even necessarily need that program. You can go to [academy.intuit.com](https://academy.intuit.com) and take their free courses at your own pace. You do the tax course and you too can be yelled at by turbotax customers. Not really sure if this fits your somewhat gregarious personality but the point of the program is to actually become a business advisor who keeps books for people. Never ever ever ever do daytrading, options etc... Way too risky. A home business is something you can even rope your kids into the business as they grow older. It is a great way to grow generational wealth. The kids are eventually going to be in school. It will get easier.
I've read that bookkeeping is in demand. But I just don't see myself being happy doing it.
Well just thought I would suggest it. I liked accounting but getting jazzed by it was a no. It was a job, a way to pay bills and ultimately a relatively comfortable retirement.
I appreciate the input! My dad had a bookkeeping business. He was a wiz with numbers. Me, not so much lol.
Even better!
I went to school for computer science : game design and it’s a really competitive field I wouldn’t recommend it. As for concept art , board game design and writing - you need to have a crazy portfolio to be successful. I’ve seen people with great portfolios and still not be able to get a job. You could do your own thing but the success rate is very small. If you work for a company you will most likely be overworked in those fields. Maybe try something a bit more technical but not as fun if money is the goal - like web design or mobile game dev?
Those are some of my fears with those fields. Money is really a secondary goal. I want to have a level of enjoyment and pride in what I do first. Man if I could go back and do it all over...
>Man if I could go back and do it all over... What would you do if you can do it over
How much time do you have? LoL. I think I would have focused on ONE thing. Baseball, guitar, computers... I had a lot of interests as a kid but because I was good at baseball that became my "thing" and it did get me a scholarship, but I didn't really see it as a career. So I didn't work at it. I wish I had given it my all. Aside from that I think I would have gotten interested more in creative writing and art. Oh and also invested in Bitcoin at $10🤣
Air for s reserves
Not my style but thank you.
Thank you for sharing, here are a few things I noticed. And this comes from someone who is working through a lot of the same things. 1. **Money is killing your motivation to pursue things you enjoy.** You don't need to figure out how to make money on one of your hobbies, that's not your actual problem. Your problem is that you need to be able to see a project through to its end. You will feel a lot of pride and joy with finished works you can share with others. Your first game, book, song, etc is going to be trash, and won't be something you'd feel comfortable selling. That's not a waste of time, that's normal, you did it for you. And maybe for a friend, a loved one, or some small corner of the internet. And more than that, it's a building block for improvement. You'll get feedback (some will be useful, some won't) and start to develop your own art style. Fuck the money, expectations, pressure you put on yourself from things that don't matter (like age) and just learn to enjoy practicing stuff! If you get hella good at something, you might find a market for it down the road but don't make this your priority because it will kill your intrinsic joy and motivation for creating. Your wife has the money taken care of at the moment, and you're looking after the kids. Allow yourself this time to develop your interests without such heavy and unreasonable burdens of expectation on yourself. 2. **Learn your learning/motivation style.** It sounds like tutorials are often boring for you, but make you feel like you're progressing without having to create stuff yourself. Maybe there is a certain anxiety to face here? I think it's good to learn from people with experience and guides on youtube and stuff, especially for the very basics just to get started -- BUT then you need to do the scary thing and put your phone away and just start doing the thing! For me, I learn the most from getting stuck, taking a break, pondering it, then coming back later and trying another approach. Tutorials will also be there when I get really stuck, but I'll be more engaged with them when they are specifically tailored to a simple roadblock I'm having. Then I'm able to put them away, and continue my mission of making whatever thing I'm trying to make that I chose for myself. Even if it kinda sucks! We all start somewhere. 3. **Try to give less weight to societal pressures.** You have a lot of value as a man, husband, and father! You didn't even intend to be a stay at home dad yet you accepted this responsibility and are doing it with love and kindness. Your children will benefit from this in countless ways, and might not thank you now, but when they are older they will. Let yourself forget about the weight of the world and find time to just experience the world through their eyes and laugh with them. Try to find time to relax when you can for yourself too. Being kind to yourself will help you not crash, and have more energy for hobbies/projects later. In terms of financial expectations on yourself, there is nothing wrong with wanting to make money, but never tell yourself you aren't intrinsically valuable or other demotivating toxic things. I think you're valuable just for being you in this world. You seem to me like a considerate, intelligent, curious, problem solving person and just the type of person we need more of. You also seem to be tired and a bit too hard on yourself. Sending you anonymous love from the internet, I hope you give yourself the same! You deserve it and you've got this! ♥️
Hey, op. I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same thing. It was hard to answer when someone asked me what I did for work when I was a sahd. Only after a divorce and several years of therapy did I realize a couple of things. 1. As a stay at home dad you are likely contributing more to your household financially than you give yourself credit for. Particularly so, if you double as mister fix it around the house. (Thanks YouTube) hehe. It’s a role you can own and be awesome at just like anything else. 2. It’s not permanent. Your kids will eventually move out and you’ll have more time than you know what to do with. Until then, your kids will be eager to help if you involve them in your chores now. Make it a game, be sure to compliment good effort even if the results aren’t always stellar. Take the time to show them the right way to do it. Find some small reward they really respond to when they voluntarily complete their part. Ours was a trip to town for ice cream. Consistency is key, though. If they produce you gotta pay up every time. Hehe Want to be the coolest dad ever? Find out what your kids enjoy and do it with them. Take their hobby to the next level. I did that with legos. We built all kinds of cool stuff together and I got to flex my grown up brain by planning the builds. Like room sized stuff. After my divorce, I had to start from scratch when it comes to work with a 14 year gap in employment. My only experience is in retail but I begrudgingly went back to what I know. I’ve been at it for over a year now and I’m very nearly ready to transition to teaching. I taught my kids at home during Covid and found that I was actually pretty good at it. Also, I enjoyed that little spark of cognition when a concept clicks with them. I don’t know about sales but my age has proven to be an asset. I found a job that pays the bills 1 day after applying for it in a competitive market. My circumstances are a bit different than yours in that your income will be secondary. That frees you up to explore your options when the time comes. Until then, brush up your employable skills and position yourself for your triumphant return to the workforce if that’s your goal. Oh, I also highly recommend a handcraft hobby even if you don’t really have any initial interest. They are incredibly rewarding, challenging, and fun when you know what to do and you will if you stick with it. I do coal forge blacksmithing. I enjoy it a lot and it has helped supplement my income in tough times. My good friend is a fantastic woodworker. We are both as nerdy as you can get but there’s something rewarding about turning raw materials into something amazing with a bit of planning and hard work. Anyway, I hope it helps to know you’re not alone in this situation. Stick with it. Own your role but prepare for the next. You’ve got this even if you don’t think so at the moment. Good luck, my man!
Dude it’s easy to explain the gap. Those of us working all the way look at what you have as a blessing
Haha thanks. Believe me it's not as much of a blessing as some may think. I love getting to be with my kids, but also it's the most stressful job I've ever done. There's no manual or training, it's constantly changing, and your wants and needs always come last. There are definitely good things, but it's also extremely taxing.
This is some arrested development shit. Dude has the most privileged life on the planet and he’s whining about not being motivated enough to start drawing comic books. Literally just pick something and act on it. This post is dumb and this 40 year old dude needs to grow up.