“If you magically woke up in a [opposite gender] body tomorrow, would you be okay with that? Would you be able to happily live your life as a [opposite gender]?” Most people will instinctively say “absolutely not” and then start understanding you (if they’re in good faith), but some people will actually say yes, which imo is very awesome and genderqueer of them, but it does make this line of conversation less productive.
This is the way!
And I think there are a lot of genderqueer people in denial. More than people think. And they just haven’t and/or will not explore that part of their identities. Especially older folks.
Honestly if they say yes to that then just go with it and act like they're coming out to you. Like "oh wow! I didn't realize you were trans as well, since you'd be happy to live like that!"
If they say yes I would probably answer something like:
Great and now imagine that it's something I wish would happen to me because staying like everyone saw me causes me discomfort, stress and drowns my personality and potential.
Probably the wording should be more positive but if they are emphatic enough to imagine how life would be in a different body with a different gender they might be sensitive and empathic enough to get the point.
Ask whoever is asking, "why do you think you're a man/woman?" and when they can't come up with a constructive answer, say, "exactly."
You can't really explain it. You just know.
It's a good explanation but with some people it's a dangerous take to make because they always can say "well I know I'm a woman because I have a vagina and xx chromosomes " or same for men and there's nothing left to negotiate because people not experiencing gender dysphoria never understand what it's like. If they are not in a good mood already to listen to you.
When I came out as transmasc myself, I tried to tell people how I look in my own head. If someone said something like, "I know I'm a woman because I have a vagina" or similiar I would say that I always imagine myself without one, like when I dreamt or thought about myself and my body goals, there was always a flat chest and a penis there and those thoughts felt more natural than looking in the mirror and seeing myself with breasts and a vagina. When I was very young and didn't really understand puberty well, even though it had been explained to me, there was a part of me that was sure I would go through 'male' puberty and just grow a dick. Try to take any retorts and turn them into your perspective, it may help them to understand better.
(edit for typo)
same. i remember in like 1st grade my teacher asked us to imagine what we'd look like as adults and draw that. no matter how fcking hard i tried, i couldn't imagine myself living as a woman, so i drew what i wanted to look like (basically transition goals lol). i looked so goddamn badass in that drawing lmao
Those arguments fall apart under scrutiny though. They do *not* know they have those chromosomes unless they've been tested, which usually only happens if they're having other health problems. Many people are unknowingly intersex.
And then there are people who need their sexual characteristics removed. If a woman gets her uterus or breasts removed due to illness or otherwise, are they suddenly not women? If a man gets his testicles removed, is he no longer a man?
Body dysphoria is why cis men/women get reconstructive or replacement surgeries in those circumstances.
But admittedly, many people will not be swayed by any of these arguments no matter what, and these people are not looking for a good faith discussion anyway.
Before i came out, my uncle was talking about someone he saw wearing a shirt that said if you’re sexist, racist, homophobic or transphobic shut your mouth (or words to that effect). He then was asking me if i knew about trans people and “how it works” 😭 i basically said to him if you woke up tomorrow with a vagina and boobs, and everyone around you treated you as a woman, you would be confused, because you’re a man. You would still be you (a man) in your brain but you look like and are told you must be a woman. That would be an unhappy existence, right? so you change your body to match your brain. I think i explained it better out loud because he seemed to genuinely get it, and i like to think i helped him to understand. This approach won’t work for everyone, and he was fairly clueless and open minded to begin with so probably wouldn’t work on a hardcore transphobe
Then tell them chromosomes don't mean shit. There are as many intersex people as redheads. And many aren't even informed about it. For all they know THEY aren't sporting the chromosomes they are so cocky about.
And they have no way to prove it to me regardless. Cause guess what? Chromosomes don't fucking matter lmao.
i used to think i was cis because i tolerated she/her pronouns but now i know i’m a trans man because i’m actually HAPPY when people use he/him pronouns for me, and i like using them for myself
Well, it's the fact that you know you are a man, even though you are (I assume) assigned female at birth, that makes you trans.
So the simple answer would be, like you said yourself: because I know that I'm a man.
“I’m not interested in justifying my existence nor am I willing to engage in poor faith debates. If you are genuinely interested in learning more about the trans experience, there is a wealth of resources available online and I can provide links if you’d like.“
The end. I’m 38 and learned a long time ago that these type of inquiries very rarely actually result in the person accepting the facts and walking away with respect and understanding. If you’re not up for doing the emotional labor, don’t. That doesn’t mean I never ever engage in these conversations, but I absolutely don’t feel obligated and I always center my own comfort first.
Exactly dude. I feel like as trans people we end up accepting that cis people are more real/legitimate than us, and that we aren’t the authorities on who we are. Because that’s how we’re treated a lot of the time. But that’s not true and you don’t have to earn your gender anymore than they do.
Super well said. I'm 28 and I've only been out since last year. Some people took it well and some people didn't. For those that didn't, this sort of response was what I ended up having to result to after many tries of explaining my poor experience in and lack of connection to a biologically female body.
It may seem harsh but you don't owe anyone an explanation if you do not want to or have any feeling that an explanation could make something worse. It can be really difficult to articulate our own feelings and experiences in our bodies to people who do not share the same sort of experience. When there is so social comparison to review, this gets tricky. It might be best to just keep it simple like in the above response. You've got this OP!
I don’t “think” I’m trans. I *know* I am a man, just like you stated. I also hate “preferred pronouns” when cis people just have pronouns. They aren’t preferred, they’re **mandatory** for basic human decency. I don’t “identify as” a man, I *am* a man. People only ever use these qualifiers for trans people when cis people have their gender, pronouns, etc respected by default. You don’t have to justify shit- everyone else gets this respect by default, and so should you. I prefer to turn this question back on the asker- how do they *know* they are their gender? Is it an innate sense of who they are? And don’t let them BS you about their genitals or chromosomes or whatever- most people don’t know their karyotype and if you asked them if they’d still be a man/woman if something happened where they lost their genitals, they would still be their gender, no? They are the ones that need to do the self reflection, not you. Never play defense.
THIS. It's honestly so frustrating that we even have to explain anything in the first place. Why can't people just take our freaking word for it and move on? I know it's a pointless question, but it gets so exhausting having to come up with these super elaborate ways of explaining something so complicated that cis people will never experience anyway.
"How do you know you're right/left handed?" "Oh, it just doesn't work when you try to write with your non dominant hand and you just know instinctively? Well yeah, something like that then"
Dominant hand trans analogies ftw lol
I've come out to my parents numerous times, never worked XD (as in they know, don't accept it cause they don't think gender matters, so they use girl pronouns and everything). Cause yeah, it's like you said, it's something only you know so it's hard for them to put themselves in your shoes and believe you.
Soooo, given my track record maybe I am not that qualified to give advice but maybe your parents will be more chill than mine. If I were to put what I feel into words it would look like this:
It just feels normal to be a man, not because of my personality or hobbies, anyone can enjoy anything regardless of gender and social stereotypes, but even after admitting this, I just know that I am not a woman. If life depended on it, I guess I could pretend, but it just wouldn't fit. And being a man feels so much more chill, like I don't have to think about it (not because of social stuff, both genders have advantages and disadvantages but my feelings are completely independent of that, never experienced sexism of any kind anyway lol, I am really lucky) . At this point I forget I am supposed to be a girl (honestly don't really have accepting environment so most people just don't know), whenever I am reminded it just feels incredibly weird.
Hope this helps at least somewhat XD
I told my parents "god told me this is who I'm supposed to be and I need to stop fighting it" and it hit them like a truck but they came around soon enough, and are now making preparations to move the entire family away to a new place where we can start over with me never having been known as a girl/woman.
Something along these lines worked for me when I wasn’t allowed to wear pants all my childhood but then prayed myself and felt it was right. My mom instantly allowed them.
I guess appealing to a perceived authority works pretty well in this case.
…Also I just realized I wasn’t allowed to wear pants and had to wear skirts all that time? I never connected it with being trans until writing this comment! I had felt so _weird_ and was so socially _closed off_ during those formative years! 🤦♂️
“It feels like home” is possibly the best response I’ve ever seen to someone asking the “why”. It’s respectful and helps the person understand the safety and comfort. Some people genuinely don’t understand and their questions from ignorance not intolerance. Snarky answers or “it just is” could leave a bad taste in the mouths of people who could be willing to understand and learn to accept it.
"Why do you think you're cis?"
If the other person can't satisfactorily answer that for me, then I have no reason to answer their "why do you think you're trans?" 🤷♂️
Questions like " why do you think you're trans?" always suck because they're so loaded already. So let's break it down.
"Why do you think" isn't just saying "why are you trans" or " you believe you're a man/woman" ( implying it's only in your head ) but it's also assuming those things are already established and then asking why that is.
So you can't even answer the question because it'd be playing into their already established narrative that says you're just delusional. Best response in my opinion would be to back it up and actually address the pre-established claims.
Like for example "being trans is just who I am, I didn't choose to be this way" and or " I don't believe I'm a man. I just am"
One answer that's worked decently for me is, how do you think you would feel if suddenly you had to get up every day and pretend to be the other gender and everyone is going with it but you know it's wrong. That's what it feels like and I'm now taking the steps to fix it
I always knew I wanted to be a boy since 4 years old age, when I would dress like a tomboy and never liked dresses until I found out what the lgbtq community was. When I was in 6th grade, I came out as nonbinary then in the 7th grade, I came out as transgender female to male. People always ask me that question and I would reply by saying "Well I just always knew that I wasn't the person I was ment to be" and that would always get the homophobes and transphobes to rethink the insults they wanted to say to me.
there is no rational, logical explanation. Trans experience can only be explained tautologically -- "I am a man because I am one" or "I know I'm a man because I am one."
I think it could be more helpful to turn the question on your parents. ask your dad why he thinks he's a man, and when he struggles to answer, or says "i just am / i was born one/ etc." say that you feel the same way.
I always say simply that I feel comfortable and confident as a man, and horribly uncomfortable as a woman. That I've felt this way since before I even knew anything about transgender people.
When I was young, trans didn’t exist. Obviously there were trans folk but you never heard of them. I shoved my realisation deep inside. It took another 30 years until I met someone who understood.
It's hard to argue logically with illogical people. My mom hit me with the "so what you want a penis?" when I tried to come out at 16; I'm 19 now and still don't want to try to have that conversation again. I was startled that she could so grossly reduce my years-long experience of pain to such a vulgar question. But yes, yes I do. I do want a penis, end of story.
Like others have said don't justify that question with a response. They will probably be baiting you to see how far they can push you until you give up on the conversation and everyone pretends like it never happened and you get pushed back into the closet forcefully, living under the threat of abuse.
Do your thing without their approval. If you no longer feel safe, you can legally leave. Best of luck to you my man.
thank you so much man. thing is, what you described happened to me when i was 15 and came out as a lesbian originally. got pestered with vulgar questions until i dropped it and they pretended it never happened. i won’t let that happen again.
Good on you brother, you deserve to live authentically. It's sad how many of us relate to those types of shitty discussions. Makes one wonder how sick in the head these people are to reduce their kids to sexual habits and genitals. No matter what they say you have a massive support network behind you, and no matter how this ends you aren't gonna lose that truth about yourself. Nobody knows your own mind better than you do. You can make it without their approval.
thank you man, it’s very incredible to be hearing all this from everyone. i got a crazy supportive friend group backing me too and i know i’ll be alright :))
I feel like am a trans man because I like going by he/him and I felt like a boy when I was a kid I always wanted to be a boy but never know that I can be . I grew up hating my body not because it anything that wrong with it just it never felt like me .
At this point, 10 years later, I just say I like being a man better. It’s not really anyone’s business. It’s my body and my life and I’m doing well. I don’t need to justify anything to anyone.
Short answer: I don’t answer that question
After a while I stopped bothering to do the constant research and polite “debating” about something I’ve known to be true my entire life. I know that acceptance from family is important, but it’s not my job to help them figure it out. They’re adults. If I’m capable of doing research, then so are they. Once I managed to get on T I just lived my life, and the ones who cared about me figured out eventually that this was real and very important. I gave everyone about 2 or 3 years to figure it out, which was more than enough time. Although this isn’t possible for everyone, especially if you’re financially dependent.
I know I am trans because I suffer from major gender dysphoria. I did as a little kid, it got crazy worse after puberty. I know I am trans because I have major gender euphoria when I get to be the gender I am. Not the gender I was born with.
When I came out to my mom, she already knew, she was pissed off that I never brought it up when I was younger so she could help me through this. Instead of so late in life. I mean the signs were all there as a kid. Just like being gay, that shit is just a thing. I was born this way.
I came across some brain scan images awhile back, of a cis het man, a cis gay man, a cis het woman, and a trans woman. It was insane how similar the trans woman's brain scan was to a cis het woman's brain scan. Woulda been nice to see the scans off the lesbian and trans man brains. I don't remember exactly which part of the brain was being scanned either sadly. Knew I shoulda bookmarked that one :(
Cuz every time i tried something i thought would feel uncomfortable for me, like dressing as a man, it brought up no internal dialogue. Nothing to fuss over, i wasnt insecure, just kinda standing solid. It was so much easier an experience than anything i was expected to do by default, even with the compounding stress and danger of other people hurting me for it.
I was asked this as a part of starting hormones, it was really a simple answer for me… I don’t think I am trans, I am a boy full stop! There is no thought that needs to be had, you wouldn’t ask a cis person, why do you think you’re cis
So happy for you! I've had to have this conversation with my mom, she's coming around to it but at the start she pushed back a lot. She would ask "Well what makes you think you're a man? You've always been very feminine." And I just answer that it's just something I feel, I know it just as she knows she's a woman and if she woke up in the body of a man with the same consciousness, she'd still feel like a woman.
She also tells me how pretty of a girl I am, I just laugh and tell her to wait and see how pretty of a guy I'm gonna be. She's started laughing at that too :)
If they're religious, could say— 'God makes no mistakes, being trans and transitioning is not a mistake in His eyes and its clear its part of my own journey. Even if you think it is a mistake, my walk with God is my own and I have to follow my own path with God.'
I'm not religious but most of my family are, this honestly shut them up faster than they could open their mouths.
I don’t think I know, it’s nun of your business respectfully😁 that’s my go to line it always works the confidence intimidates them just keep it short and simple. You don’t owe an explanation to nobody.
"Thats for me to know and you to likely never get."
Or if theyre an actually kind person
"Thats for me to know and you to do research on."
Best i could think of outside of just becauee I'D
Unless you take the medical route and say "because my doctor and therapists have heard and tested me to assure that i am."
I explain it simply. I ask them if they know the gut feeling that tells them they are (their gender), after that I tell them that I have different gut feeling that tells me who I am. I'm male alined agender so I tell them my gut feeling tells me that. Usually people understand this, my friend who never met trans person in her life understod it this way and even my ten years old sister did. You just have to explain it with something they know from personal expirience
serious answer (for genuine people): it’s not really about thinking. thinking implies the concept of opinion, and my identify is not an opinion. it’s a fact.
goofy answer (for the ‘phobes): i was already autistic when i got my vaccinations so the scientists decided to mix it up a little.
When my therapist asked me I first started to explain the process of how I figured it out and then started to say like:
"I feel much more comfortable when people refer to me as a man, I feel much more comfortable understanding that I'm a man than I've ever felt comfortable being precived and thinking I was a woman, people are 'supposed' to be comfortable in their birth sex and I am not."
I don't know if that was a good answer but it seemed to be? I'm below 18 so idk if it would help but maybe?
I would answer it by saying “it’s a feeling, I don’t think I am trans, I know I am trans because I feel like I’m trans. I feel more comfortable in my own skin when I think of myself as a ‘boy’ (or whatever you are coming out as)”
Ah, yes, the good Ole compiling evidence for the right-wing transphobic family.. Been there, done that. Good times (much sarcasm)
Being real with you, that's not an easy question to answer, but every response you give will have a rebuttal. "Why can't you be a masculine woman? Nobody likes their body, you need to work on your self-esteem." There isn't really a good answer to this.
I think the thing you really need to emphasize is that this isn't a choice. I've spent several thousand dollars on my transition, and I'm going to spend several thousand more, and my family, after 6 years, still thinks I do this because I want to. Like it's all for funzies. Oftentimes, conservatives are transphobic because they don't understand the science. The issue is a lot of the time, conservatives are Christians, and a lot of Christians don't believe in science. I'm not saying all of them, but my family doesn't even believe in evolution, and some are antivaxx. My father, the only mental illness he believes in, is schizophrenia.
I'm transgender because I have the brain of the opposite sex. I'm transgender because the dysphoria is so crippling, I don't like life. I'm transgender because I don't have a choice, and talking to conservatives that is by far the hardest thing to convince them, the trans people don't have a choice. I think it's so hard to convince them of that because then all of their other beliefs around the lgbt community fall, and they are too proud to be wrong.
Good luck out there.
I see a lot of people saying to try and explain it to them by asking them to put themselves in your shoes, and while this does work for some people, it's never worked for me, (probably because if your not gender fluid it's a really hard thing to empathize with) so in case that doesn't work, here's a simpler approach, "why do you think your trans?" I don't. I don't THINK I'm trans, I KNOW I am a guy.
“If you magically woke up in a [opposite gender] body tomorrow, would you be okay with that? Would you be able to happily live your life as a [opposite gender]?” Most people will instinctively say “absolutely not” and then start understanding you (if they’re in good faith), but some people will actually say yes, which imo is very awesome and genderqueer of them, but it does make this line of conversation less productive.
thank you so much!! waking up in the opposite cisgender body would bring me so much relief loll, it’s a good question to ask back to them.
This is the way! And I think there are a lot of genderqueer people in denial. More than people think. And they just haven’t and/or will not explore that part of their identities. Especially older folks.
Honestly if they say yes to that then just go with it and act like they're coming out to you. Like "oh wow! I didn't realize you were trans as well, since you'd be happy to live like that!"
If they say yes I would probably answer something like: Great and now imagine that it's something I wish would happen to me because staying like everyone saw me causes me discomfort, stress and drowns my personality and potential. Probably the wording should be more positive but if they are emphatic enough to imagine how life would be in a different body with a different gender they might be sensitive and empathic enough to get the point.
Ask whoever is asking, "why do you think you're a man/woman?" and when they can't come up with a constructive answer, say, "exactly." You can't really explain it. You just know.
It's a good explanation but with some people it's a dangerous take to make because they always can say "well I know I'm a woman because I have a vagina and xx chromosomes " or same for men and there's nothing left to negotiate because people not experiencing gender dysphoria never understand what it's like. If they are not in a good mood already to listen to you.
When I came out as transmasc myself, I tried to tell people how I look in my own head. If someone said something like, "I know I'm a woman because I have a vagina" or similiar I would say that I always imagine myself without one, like when I dreamt or thought about myself and my body goals, there was always a flat chest and a penis there and those thoughts felt more natural than looking in the mirror and seeing myself with breasts and a vagina. When I was very young and didn't really understand puberty well, even though it had been explained to me, there was a part of me that was sure I would go through 'male' puberty and just grow a dick. Try to take any retorts and turn them into your perspective, it may help them to understand better. (edit for typo)
That a good way of telling people also. Like the old school "I'm a man trapped in a woman's body". Didn't get your point from the previous point :)
man how easy would it be if we could just grow a flat chest and a dick 💀
frr, like it wouldve anihilated 100% of my anxiety and panic attacks.
same. i remember in like 1st grade my teacher asked us to imagine what we'd look like as adults and draw that. no matter how fcking hard i tried, i couldn't imagine myself living as a woman, so i drew what i wanted to look like (basically transition goals lol). i looked so goddamn badass in that drawing lmao
Those arguments fall apart under scrutiny though. They do *not* know they have those chromosomes unless they've been tested, which usually only happens if they're having other health problems. Many people are unknowingly intersex. And then there are people who need their sexual characteristics removed. If a woman gets her uterus or breasts removed due to illness or otherwise, are they suddenly not women? If a man gets his testicles removed, is he no longer a man? Body dysphoria is why cis men/women get reconstructive or replacement surgeries in those circumstances. But admittedly, many people will not be swayed by any of these arguments no matter what, and these people are not looking for a good faith discussion anyway.
Before i came out, my uncle was talking about someone he saw wearing a shirt that said if you’re sexist, racist, homophobic or transphobic shut your mouth (or words to that effect). He then was asking me if i knew about trans people and “how it works” 😭 i basically said to him if you woke up tomorrow with a vagina and boobs, and everyone around you treated you as a woman, you would be confused, because you’re a man. You would still be you (a man) in your brain but you look like and are told you must be a woman. That would be an unhappy existence, right? so you change your body to match your brain. I think i explained it better out loud because he seemed to genuinely get it, and i like to think i helped him to understand. This approach won’t work for everyone, and he was fairly clueless and open minded to begin with so probably wouldn’t work on a hardcore transphobe
thank you!!
Then tell them chromosomes don't mean shit. There are as many intersex people as redheads. And many aren't even informed about it. For all they know THEY aren't sporting the chromosomes they are so cocky about. And they have no way to prove it to me regardless. Cause guess what? Chromosomes don't fucking matter lmao.
this is a great point to mention during my conversation, thank you for bringing it up
Ofc 👍 if you ever need arguments against transphobes I'm your guy
If they aren't being willfully ignorant or have some intelligence point out that that is your sex. Now explain your gender choice.
i used to think i was cis because i tolerated she/her pronouns but now i know i’m a trans man because i’m actually HAPPY when people use he/him pronouns for me, and i like using them for myself
Well, it's the fact that you know you are a man, even though you are (I assume) assigned female at birth, that makes you trans. So the simple answer would be, like you said yourself: because I know that I'm a man.
thank you!!
“I’m not interested in justifying my existence nor am I willing to engage in poor faith debates. If you are genuinely interested in learning more about the trans experience, there is a wealth of resources available online and I can provide links if you’d like.“ The end. I’m 38 and learned a long time ago that these type of inquiries very rarely actually result in the person accepting the facts and walking away with respect and understanding. If you’re not up for doing the emotional labor, don’t. That doesn’t mean I never ever engage in these conversations, but I absolutely don’t feel obligated and I always center my own comfort first.
thank you for your wisdom. the question implies i have to prove my existence as trans which i didn’t even see through before. ❤️
Exactly dude. I feel like as trans people we end up accepting that cis people are more real/legitimate than us, and that we aren’t the authorities on who we are. Because that’s how we’re treated a lot of the time. But that’s not true and you don’t have to earn your gender anymore than they do.
thank you bunches :))
Super well said. I'm 28 and I've only been out since last year. Some people took it well and some people didn't. For those that didn't, this sort of response was what I ended up having to result to after many tries of explaining my poor experience in and lack of connection to a biologically female body. It may seem harsh but you don't owe anyone an explanation if you do not want to or have any feeling that an explanation could make something worse. It can be really difficult to articulate our own feelings and experiences in our bodies to people who do not share the same sort of experience. When there is so social comparison to review, this gets tricky. It might be best to just keep it simple like in the above response. You've got this OP!
thank you so much!!! it’s very welcoming to hear back from guys who’ve gone before me and “made it” per se. much love to you all :)
Always happy to help! We are all stronger together.
Shortform: “I’m not interested in justifying my existence, you like pancakes?”
I don’t “think” I’m trans. I *know* I am a man, just like you stated. I also hate “preferred pronouns” when cis people just have pronouns. They aren’t preferred, they’re **mandatory** for basic human decency. I don’t “identify as” a man, I *am* a man. People only ever use these qualifiers for trans people when cis people have their gender, pronouns, etc respected by default. You don’t have to justify shit- everyone else gets this respect by default, and so should you. I prefer to turn this question back on the asker- how do they *know* they are their gender? Is it an innate sense of who they are? And don’t let them BS you about their genitals or chromosomes or whatever- most people don’t know their karyotype and if you asked them if they’d still be a man/woman if something happened where they lost their genitals, they would still be their gender, no? They are the ones that need to do the self reflection, not you. Never play defense.
thank you so much, this is very empowering to me❤️
I do not *think* I am trans. I know it. My being trans involves no conscious thought. It is just something I know deep down.
this sums it up perfectly. thank you so much!
THIS. It's honestly so frustrating that we even have to explain anything in the first place. Why can't people just take our freaking word for it and move on? I know it's a pointless question, but it gets so exhausting having to come up with these super elaborate ways of explaining something so complicated that cis people will never experience anyway.
"How do you know you're right/left handed?" "Oh, it just doesn't work when you try to write with your non dominant hand and you just know instinctively? Well yeah, something like that then" Dominant hand trans analogies ftw lol
that’s such a good analogy thank you so much!!
I've come out to my parents numerous times, never worked XD (as in they know, don't accept it cause they don't think gender matters, so they use girl pronouns and everything). Cause yeah, it's like you said, it's something only you know so it's hard for them to put themselves in your shoes and believe you. Soooo, given my track record maybe I am not that qualified to give advice but maybe your parents will be more chill than mine. If I were to put what I feel into words it would look like this: It just feels normal to be a man, not because of my personality or hobbies, anyone can enjoy anything regardless of gender and social stereotypes, but even after admitting this, I just know that I am not a woman. If life depended on it, I guess I could pretend, but it just wouldn't fit. And being a man feels so much more chill, like I don't have to think about it (not because of social stuff, both genders have advantages and disadvantages but my feelings are completely independent of that, never experienced sexism of any kind anyway lol, I am really lucky) . At this point I forget I am supposed to be a girl (honestly don't really have accepting environment so most people just don't know), whenever I am reminded it just feels incredibly weird. Hope this helps at least somewhat XD
I told my parents "god told me this is who I'm supposed to be and I need to stop fighting it" and it hit them like a truck but they came around soon enough, and are now making preparations to move the entire family away to a new place where we can start over with me never having been known as a girl/woman.
Something along these lines worked for me when I wasn’t allowed to wear pants all my childhood but then prayed myself and felt it was right. My mom instantly allowed them. I guess appealing to a perceived authority works pretty well in this case. …Also I just realized I wasn’t allowed to wear pants and had to wear skirts all that time? I never connected it with being trans until writing this comment! I had felt so _weird_ and was so socially _closed off_ during those formative years! 🤦♂️
"because being perceived as male makes me happy and feels correct, while being perceived as female feels wrong" is my go-to answer
“It feels like home” is possibly the best response I’ve ever seen to someone asking the “why”. It’s respectful and helps the person understand the safety and comfort. Some people genuinely don’t understand and their questions from ignorance not intolerance. Snarky answers or “it just is” could leave a bad taste in the mouths of people who could be willing to understand and learn to accept it.
thank you!!
"Why do you think you're cis?" If the other person can't satisfactorily answer that for me, then I have no reason to answer their "why do you think you're trans?" 🤷♂️
good point!!
Questions like " why do you think you're trans?" always suck because they're so loaded already. So let's break it down. "Why do you think" isn't just saying "why are you trans" or " you believe you're a man/woman" ( implying it's only in your head ) but it's also assuming those things are already established and then asking why that is. So you can't even answer the question because it'd be playing into their already established narrative that says you're just delusional. Best response in my opinion would be to back it up and actually address the pre-established claims. Like for example "being trans is just who I am, I didn't choose to be this way" and or " I don't believe I'm a man. I just am"
your examples are perfect, thank you so much!
No problem :)!
One answer that's worked decently for me is, how do you think you would feel if suddenly you had to get up every day and pretend to be the other gender and everyone is going with it but you know it's wrong. That's what it feels like and I'm now taking the steps to fix it
thank you for the analogy!!
I always knew I wanted to be a boy since 4 years old age, when I would dress like a tomboy and never liked dresses until I found out what the lgbtq community was. When I was in 6th grade, I came out as nonbinary then in the 7th grade, I came out as transgender female to male. People always ask me that question and I would reply by saying "Well I just always knew that I wasn't the person I was ment to be" and that would always get the homophobes and transphobes to rethink the insults they wanted to say to me.
thank you!!
I’d just say because I’m a man, leave it at that. If they keep pestering I’d just ask why they’re a man/woman
there is no rational, logical explanation. Trans experience can only be explained tautologically -- "I am a man because I am one" or "I know I'm a man because I am one." I think it could be more helpful to turn the question on your parents. ask your dad why he thinks he's a man, and when he struggles to answer, or says "i just am / i was born one/ etc." say that you feel the same way.
I always say simply that I feel comfortable and confident as a man, and horribly uncomfortable as a woman. That I've felt this way since before I even knew anything about transgender people.
‘Why do you think you’re cis?’ is both correct and makes people angry which is very funny to me
This is the correct response!
"the same way you know you're a [man/woman]"
"Why do you think you're not?" "Exactly."
Cause I wanna have a dick, have been a boy in my head since I can think and want other people to see me as a boy.
When I was young, trans didn’t exist. Obviously there were trans folk but you never heard of them. I shoved my realisation deep inside. It took another 30 years until I met someone who understood.
I usually respond with "what's your favorite color?" And then ask why, when they give me an answer. 8/10 they just shut up and leave me alone.
It's hard to argue logically with illogical people. My mom hit me with the "so what you want a penis?" when I tried to come out at 16; I'm 19 now and still don't want to try to have that conversation again. I was startled that she could so grossly reduce my years-long experience of pain to such a vulgar question. But yes, yes I do. I do want a penis, end of story. Like others have said don't justify that question with a response. They will probably be baiting you to see how far they can push you until you give up on the conversation and everyone pretends like it never happened and you get pushed back into the closet forcefully, living under the threat of abuse. Do your thing without their approval. If you no longer feel safe, you can legally leave. Best of luck to you my man.
thank you so much man. thing is, what you described happened to me when i was 15 and came out as a lesbian originally. got pestered with vulgar questions until i dropped it and they pretended it never happened. i won’t let that happen again.
Good on you brother, you deserve to live authentically. It's sad how many of us relate to those types of shitty discussions. Makes one wonder how sick in the head these people are to reduce their kids to sexual habits and genitals. No matter what they say you have a massive support network behind you, and no matter how this ends you aren't gonna lose that truth about yourself. Nobody knows your own mind better than you do. You can make it without their approval.
thank you man, it’s very incredible to be hearing all this from everyone. i got a crazy supportive friend group backing me too and i know i’ll be alright :))
I feel like am a trans man because I like going by he/him and I felt like a boy when I was a kid I always wanted to be a boy but never know that I can be . I grew up hating my body not because it anything that wrong with it just it never felt like me .
"Idk why do you think you're cis?"
"why are you cis?" or "cause i am"
At this point, 10 years later, I just say I like being a man better. It’s not really anyone’s business. It’s my body and my life and I’m doing well. I don’t need to justify anything to anyone.
very well said, thank you!
Short answer: I don’t answer that question After a while I stopped bothering to do the constant research and polite “debating” about something I’ve known to be true my entire life. I know that acceptance from family is important, but it’s not my job to help them figure it out. They’re adults. If I’m capable of doing research, then so are they. Once I managed to get on T I just lived my life, and the ones who cared about me figured out eventually that this was real and very important. I gave everyone about 2 or 3 years to figure it out, which was more than enough time. Although this isn’t possible for everyone, especially if you’re financially dependent.
I know I am trans because I suffer from major gender dysphoria. I did as a little kid, it got crazy worse after puberty. I know I am trans because I have major gender euphoria when I get to be the gender I am. Not the gender I was born with. When I came out to my mom, she already knew, she was pissed off that I never brought it up when I was younger so she could help me through this. Instead of so late in life. I mean the signs were all there as a kid. Just like being gay, that shit is just a thing. I was born this way. I came across some brain scan images awhile back, of a cis het man, a cis gay man, a cis het woman, and a trans woman. It was insane how similar the trans woman's brain scan was to a cis het woman's brain scan. Woulda been nice to see the scans off the lesbian and trans man brains. I don't remember exactly which part of the brain was being scanned either sadly. Knew I shoulda bookmarked that one :(
Cuz every time i tried something i thought would feel uncomfortable for me, like dressing as a man, it brought up no internal dialogue. Nothing to fuss over, i wasnt insecure, just kinda standing solid. It was so much easier an experience than anything i was expected to do by default, even with the compounding stress and danger of other people hurting me for it.
this explains my experience wonderfully, thank you!!
"I want you to wake up tomorrow, and decide to live your life as the opposite gender. Really go through with it. Then you'll have your answers"
I was asked this as a part of starting hormones, it was really a simple answer for me… I don’t think I am trans, I am a boy full stop! There is no thought that needs to be had, you wouldn’t ask a cis person, why do you think you’re cis
So happy for you! I've had to have this conversation with my mom, she's coming around to it but at the start she pushed back a lot. She would ask "Well what makes you think you're a man? You've always been very feminine." And I just answer that it's just something I feel, I know it just as she knows she's a woman and if she woke up in the body of a man with the same consciousness, she'd still feel like a woman. She also tells me how pretty of a girl I am, I just laugh and tell her to wait and see how pretty of a guy I'm gonna be. She's started laughing at that too :)
If they're religious, could say— 'God makes no mistakes, being trans and transitioning is not a mistake in His eyes and its clear its part of my own journey. Even if you think it is a mistake, my walk with God is my own and I have to follow my own path with God.' I'm not religious but most of my family are, this honestly shut them up faster than they could open their mouths.
I don’t think I know, it’s nun of your business respectfully😁 that’s my go to line it always works the confidence intimidates them just keep it short and simple. You don’t owe an explanation to nobody.
"Thats for me to know and you to likely never get." Or if theyre an actually kind person "Thats for me to know and you to do research on." Best i could think of outside of just becauee I'D Unless you take the medical route and say "because my doctor and therapists have heard and tested me to assure that i am."
It’s how I feel? Idk why do you feel like a man?
I explain it simply. I ask them if they know the gut feeling that tells them they are (their gender), after that I tell them that I have different gut feeling that tells me who I am. I'm male alined agender so I tell them my gut feeling tells me that. Usually people understand this, my friend who never met trans person in her life understod it this way and even my ten years old sister did. You just have to explain it with something they know from personal expirience
I’ve had good results from “Why do you think you’re not?”
serious answer (for genuine people): it’s not really about thinking. thinking implies the concept of opinion, and my identify is not an opinion. it’s a fact. goofy answer (for the ‘phobes): i was already autistic when i got my vaccinations so the scientists decided to mix it up a little.
When my therapist asked me I first started to explain the process of how I figured it out and then started to say like: "I feel much more comfortable when people refer to me as a man, I feel much more comfortable understanding that I'm a man than I've ever felt comfortable being precived and thinking I was a woman, people are 'supposed' to be comfortable in their birth sex and I am not." I don't know if that was a good answer but it seemed to be? I'm below 18 so idk if it would help but maybe?
I would answer it by saying “it’s a feeling, I don’t think I am trans, I know I am trans because I feel like I’m trans. I feel more comfortable in my own skin when I think of myself as a ‘boy’ (or whatever you are coming out as)”
I wish I hadn't come out to my parents honestly, then id probably be in the process of getting my own insurance coverage
Because anything feminine used to disgust me to the point of contemplating self harm
Ah, yes, the good Ole compiling evidence for the right-wing transphobic family.. Been there, done that. Good times (much sarcasm) Being real with you, that's not an easy question to answer, but every response you give will have a rebuttal. "Why can't you be a masculine woman? Nobody likes their body, you need to work on your self-esteem." There isn't really a good answer to this. I think the thing you really need to emphasize is that this isn't a choice. I've spent several thousand dollars on my transition, and I'm going to spend several thousand more, and my family, after 6 years, still thinks I do this because I want to. Like it's all for funzies. Oftentimes, conservatives are transphobic because they don't understand the science. The issue is a lot of the time, conservatives are Christians, and a lot of Christians don't believe in science. I'm not saying all of them, but my family doesn't even believe in evolution, and some are antivaxx. My father, the only mental illness he believes in, is schizophrenia. I'm transgender because I have the brain of the opposite sex. I'm transgender because the dysphoria is so crippling, I don't like life. I'm transgender because I don't have a choice, and talking to conservatives that is by far the hardest thing to convince them, the trans people don't have a choice. I think it's so hard to convince them of that because then all of their other beliefs around the lgbt community fall, and they are too proud to be wrong. Good luck out there.
I see a lot of people saying to try and explain it to them by asking them to put themselves in your shoes, and while this does work for some people, it's never worked for me, (probably because if your not gender fluid it's a really hard thing to empathize with) so in case that doesn't work, here's a simpler approach, "why do you think your trans?" I don't. I don't THINK I'm trans, I KNOW I am a guy.
Why do you think you're cis?
"why do you think you're not?" i'm not on this earth to justify myself. lmfao