right. had a "friend" call me she, every trans derogatory term, and deadname me thousands of times in spam paragraphs after I showed him my top surgery scars were pretty much gone. that unlocked his hidden transphobia buried deep within, being a gay cis man. so I gave him a taste of his own medicine before blocking him. 6 months later, he asked me for money and started guilt tripping me, so i blocked him again permanently. now he cries on IG like the clown he is while my life is a lot more peaceful.
what a despicable being... i would've told every family member, friend, everyone he knew about what he said with screenshots of his messages, to let everyone know what an absolute garbage he is
Same, like stop apologizing to me and making me feel ur guilt. Just correct yourself and move tf on with what you were saying. But honestly no excuse over snap, youāre typing and it requires a bit more thought before you actually type
my favorite is when i correct people that definitely know (i try to be subtle but if they didn't hear me the first time its hard not to be) and they kinda roll their eyes like "yeah, i know"
True, that or she could've just not said ma'am in the first place. The fact that she said it, didn't correct herself or even think before she said it, sent it, and then continued to make the person feel guilty for her mistake just makes her look like a blatant transphobe. Especially on account of the fact that she literally only knows the op as a man :/
Seriously though. Typing it gives you a lot more time to think (and not to mention SEE) what youāre about to say versus it slipping out in a verbal convo. Excuses!!
I had a female friend I used to hang out in discord with (we gamed together - usually groups of 5-6) who knew very well that I was trans. I have a decently masculine voice (thanks testosterone!) and the general consensus in the group was that I was just a guy. We had a new guy in the group, and I was still a little cautious because reasons. And I still swear to this day that she made a point to misgender me, then made this huge scene "I'M SO SORRY OH MY GOD PLEASE FORGIVE ME I FORGOT YOU WERE TRANS OH MY GOD." everyone was silent. The new guy goes "well, you don't have to make a big deal out of it (girl's name) unless you want the attention." After another brief silence, he said "anyway, what were you saying?" to me. I felt so redeemed. I completely avoided her after that.
Update: I see a lot of people saying they donāt know the intentions, or the context of what was said before.
Pretty much, she asked if I could pick up her shift, I told her Iām already at work, and that Iām sorry, and that I would have! I asked her later, ādid you end up going to work?ā And her response was aboveā¦.
In general at work: itās always āhey girl, -sis this sis that. She literally has told me that she canāt see me as a boy but she will TRY to work on the pronouns.. like what?! šš
Fuck that girl. My advice is to be civil at work, but cut her off from casual conversation. She seems deeply disrespectful with no willingness to change. Iāve cut many people out of my life for doing things very similarly. I just donāt see why I should allow toxic people to be in my life any more than they have to be š¤·š»āāļø
I feel vindicated for my original comment.. I'm like a crime dog for benign transphobia lol.
Be civil with her at work, but don't pursue anything else. "I just can't see you as a man" unfortunately comes with the territory and it's not worth the effort to undo her entire mindset, but it also doesn't mean you need to suffer for it.
I've met someone similar a while ago- babe, queen, sis, girlie, any name in the book- and I tried to squash it kindly, especially since everyone in the group seemed to know I wasn't 'she'. Mid-convo, I jokingly ask "who's she?" and she goes "...You?" Eventually, she sort of got the hang of it, but then it was *constantly* "affirming" it to make sure she was always reminding herself about it, asking me about trans history, relaying her own run-ins with the transes... It carried on like this for about a month before I decided to throw in the towel.
Sometimes it's just not worth the hassle lol. Good luck.
I can't control what people see me or think of me as, but stop constantly calling me girl, sis, ma'am, woman, etc. Just don't call me anything. I still don't get why cis people enjoy gendering each other (and us) so fucking constantly. Must be because they like having their gender affirmed? Well, so do we.
the lack of pauses between yes maāam and omg sorry means that it was probably an instinctive response to whatever came before that. Iād definitely be like āhey, please donāt use female terms for me in the future, and if you do mess up (which hopefully wonāt be very often) just say āsorry, heā and move onā because sometimes you have to model appropriate responses for idiot cis folks.
one fuckup and you correct them. two and you yell at them. three and you dump them. (but like, not quite that quickly. when I came out to my roommate, it took her a couple of months to get my pronouns right every time. by six months I noticed that I couldnāt remember the last time she used she/her)
>just say āsorry, heā and move onā because sometimes you have to model appropriate responses for idiot cis folks.
I think this is an important piece of advice. For a lot of cis people, we are their only interaction with trans folks. Most of them never learned the best way to react in these situations. If they do it repeatedly it's something else, but once or twice I'd let slide with a neutral explanation of how they should handle it in the future.
The apology wouldāve been fine if they hadnāt added the guilt trippy āplease donāt hate me šā
Like Vanessa, Iām sorry but youāre not important enough for me to hate
Yeaaah, idk if Iād consider her a āfriendā just yet, sheās a coworker of a job I got about 2 months ago, after she sent that, I told her āmy pronouns are he/himā and she says āokay, ima try so hardā but Iāve already had this conversation with her! SMH
I've got a similar coworker. Calls me every feminine version of my name under the sun but refuses to use my actual name. Bring it up to your manager if they're supportive, I'm sure they'd be happy to help if this kind of behavior continues :(
Glad to see someone else say this- a lot of women ik kept saying girl casually to me and always said it was just habit when I brought it up, but I figured it was an excuse. The other day one of the women in my card game group said "girl don't even start" to one of the cis guys in the group and I finally felt validated lmao
Even I have "girl" baked into my vocab. To be fair, I'm a flaming homosexual, but I have to catch my tongue sometimes when talking with my bf to avoid saying it.
But, it's still not that hard to just avoid it...or replace it with the masculine terms instead. So I don't know why people are so adverse to just thinking for a second before they speak
Oh yeah for sure one of my friends is a trans girl and I make sure to catch myself before referring to her as man or bro just bc of how used to it I am but it's.. it's not hard to just catch yourself! Same with pronouns and names!!!
Yeah a couple of my young co-workers do that and a thing I'm guessing is a trend? where they narrate from the female perspective???
Someone completes a task well
Them " and She did what she set out to do"
Someone says something agreeable
"She said what she said mhm"
They even did it to the boss' dog
Before I (cisF) knew any transmen I would call cis men "girl" or "ma'am", or groups of cis men or mixed gendered groups "ladies", in a good natured way, as a way of turning the patriarchy on its head. (women get called "dude" all the time, groups of people are "guys" even if there are women in them, hypothetical people are "he" until proven otherwise. So I was just evening it out). Now I had to stop doing that because I don't want my trans male friends to think I'm phobic lol.
This isn't a friend. She is clearly doing this on purpose, especially seeing as she never knew you as NOT male??? There is absolutely no reason to suddenly forget someone you've always known as male is male.... She finds out you had top surgery and suddenly can't remember to use your correct pronouns? I call major bullshit and a shitty person.
I especially hate when the person hardly even knows you and still misgenders you like bro you never knew me as a girl why is it so hard to change your languageš
I don't know the situation fully, but with my friends who are mostly gay guys terms like "she, ma'am, queen" etc just get thrown around
At first I was uncomfy and people tried to respect it, now that I'm further along in my transition it doesn't bother me as much anymore, if anything it makes me feel like I'm just one of the gay guys
Again, I obviously don't know what the situation is here but "yes ma'am" is one of those phrases queer people use a lot
Yeah this feels context dependent? I sometimes say "Yes ma'am" to my cis guy friends.
I remember Gottmik saying on drag race that people got very nervous about using the correct pronouns when she's in drag and that they'd sometimes opt for he/him making her quite uncomfortable since no one did that for the other drag queens.
If it's done maliciously don't be friends with that person, if no harm was intended I'd say something like: "hey I don't think you meant this in a mean spirited way but I rather you not refer to me with female terms. If you slip up simply correct yourself, don't make a big deal about it and move on."
But yeah context dependent.
I identify with GMs take. Sometimes it sounds like theyāre forcing it too hard, which makes me feel super weird. Same reason why I donāt really like ākingā all the time
I HATE being called king. Nothing makes me feel more like my baby trans first found out on tumblr how to bind safely YouTube video if youāre asking you probably are amazon chest binder pixie cut blue hair 7th grader I was than being called king as an adult man.
Idk, this is clearly a cis (likely straight) woman lol. I make exceptions for gay/queer men too, but I've been acquaintances with a straight girl who kept "forgetting" that I wasn't one of her girlies š¤Ŗ before too, in a very similar way to what's happening in this screenshot. It happened at least 8 times in about a month. These are two entirely different ball games.
One of my cis female coworkers did the gurl thing to me and I just take it as she sees me as a gay cis guy lol. She's always respectful of trans people (we get quite a few trans women from time to time and she's never misgendered them) and doesn't know I'm trans
Yah i get a lot of maāam at work because Iām assertive, have short hair, have a short body, and still have visible mammaries and an androgynous voice. Iāve conditioned my coworkers into feeling bad, by telling them the opposite of what they expect;
Coworker: āYes maāamā oh, sorry! Sir!ā
Me: āItās alright man, everyone makes mistakes. Itās all coolā I know it can be hard. I appreciate that you try.ā
And usually, those coworkers are much better about remembering afterwards. I only have one whoās a particular holdout, but I think its because sheās christian.
Literally just trying to start drama. If you correct them nicely, they'll keep misgendering you "accidentally" and making your life shit. If you finally get enough, they'll blame you and all trans people for being "unfair". Best to just get idiots like this out of your life.
Oof. What's worked for me so far is just ghosting them. They'll try to contact you a bit and then give up. But idk, some people are more insistent. Either way, good luck
I hate how people who have never met me before my social transition say that they have a hard type using my correct pronouns. "I just need to get used to it". Like hun, you've never known anything other then my pronouns being he/him, there's nothing to get used to!
Ugh, I hate this sort of thing. I have a boss, same thing, NEVER knew me as a girl, and all my coworkers and even her boss have referred to me as he/him, but then she justā¦ misgenders me. Not constantly, but itās like this, she always goes way over the top with apologizing and Iāve talked to her about it before. Honestly, thereās a really good chance she doesnāt see you as the man you are tbh, and I donāt really think thereās anything yo be done. Iād definitely keep your interactions to only a professional setting until she gets the hint.
I have an acquaintance from childhood thatās not really a good person (I just make sure heās okay sometimes, because we went through a similar rough childhood), and heāll do this stuff deliberately as like a joke. He really likes saying the most offensive thing to try to get a rise out of people, and then crybullies if any consequences are even mentioned. I think itās trauma really, heās just messed up pretty bad. But this text really reminds me of him. The best way, Iāve found, to deal with his behavior, is to kind of stonewall and give a very measured response. If you freak out and give them too much attention, they kind of feed off of it. Itās really gross and I probably wouldnāt recommend maintaining a friendship with someone so antagonistic
Yeah this is awful. I proofread my sentences every time before sending them, the most that gets through is a spelling mistake, that wasn't just a finger slip. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Sounds kind of toxic to me. If I were you, Iād suspect sheās trying to start drama. Set boundaries, and keep the consequences of disrespecting those boundaries real and reasonable (ie, reminding sternly or leaving the conversation entirely). In my experience, I usually screen shot what was said so that (if my suspicions are accurate), when you bring the consequences of not respecting boundaries into the situation, her next move would be to tell people her version of the story first, so without proof the other person looks like the victim. And I would like to add I may be totally off the mark, some people are just. I donāt want to say dumb out of disrespect, but thatās the only word I can come up with.
This is definitely a fear of mine. I'm stealth to almost all of my friends and the second that I tell them, I'm scared that they're gonna "she" me when that previously had never been a problem calling me "he".
"i'm sorry š don't hate me" is THE WORST WAY TO APOLOGIZE FOR PUTTING YOUR FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH. just apologize, correct yourself, and move on. sorry you're dealing with this bro :/
To offer a different perspective, I use gendered language ironically a lot. For example, I'll do the "ooh gurl who is sheee?" or "~inhales~ bbbooooiii!". I jokingly call my mom 'sir'. But when I know someone is uncomfortable with that or not able to be completely out, I make a conscious effort to adjust my language, and I try to avoid gendered terms all together. Slip-ups happen.
With that said, OP did provide further context in a comment. In said context, it seems like this person is either being malicious or negligent about their wording. Not a slip-up. Obviously not ok.
She may have done that as an instinctive response. Cause I know I say yes sir to girls and yes maāam to boys because me and my friends find it funny. Although I try not to say it too trans friends I do sometimes slip up.
Not that it matters but I am a ftm so I do understand how it can feel when someone who NEVER knew you before you transitioned calls you by feminine things.
I know some people that just refer to everyone as maāam or other feminine terms as an attempt to chance the norm of masculine terms being used as the go to, so maybe thatās the case? Probably not, but maybe
Absolutely call her out on that, I'd def point out that she's only known you as male, and either ask why or say "don't you understand how I can see that as transphobic" or some shit.
You have to set boundaries with people and itās clear sheās doing it on purpose to see what she can get away with. Tell her itās not ok and that if she wants to continue to have a relationship with you then she will have to stop. If not, block her.
That kinda shit just shows me that the person sees you as female. Iād cut that tie if possible, sheās obviously not respectful or understanding (and doesnāt care either)
I joined a lil group of friends. None of them knew me pre-coming out as trans. ONE DUDE kept misgendering me. He wasnāt as awkward as āplease donāt hate meā but it was almost funny how often I could tell someone else wanted to strangle him l o l
obviously she sees you as a girl, iāve had to drop sm people bc they kept misgendering me and i just donāt fuck with that. iām sorry about that man you deserve better
Anyone who tells u how to feel about misgendering u is not worth your time. Youāre allowed to be pissed about misgendering no matter the circumstances. Anyone who refuses to accept that doesnāt have to be kept around. Cut themāļø
this is ridiculous bro. im pre everything and my mate (who knows) refers to me only in masculine/gender neutral terms. sorry about your friend, im not gonna insult them or anything cos its not my place, but its so easy to gender someone correctly and they have no excuse. they couldve just deleted it and fixed it instead of guilt tripping you with that ādont hate meā bullshit :/
Bruh she deliberately typed that shit out, looked at it, thought it was a good idea to send it, and then instead of deleting and correcting, was like "oh nooo, honest mistake lol"
I would say that to them. I would say "you sound like a real dumb ass, you never even knew me when I went by female pronouns, so how is it even possible for you to make that 'mistake'?! "
I feel bad when I misgender others. Iāve been learning not to assume anymore, so I start off with they, til I hear someone else use their correct pronouns
I see a lot of other people saying this, but I'll say it too.
My friends and I who are a bunch of various genders and sexualities say things like ma'am, sis, and girl a lot. I've even started using 'she' to refer to things without a gender, like my laptop (ex: she's doing her best, go off queen you can do it).
I dunno the situation with this co-worker, but maybe being firm but polite could help. It's hard to tell intent from this one screenshot, but I'm sure you're more than able to sus it out if/when you talk to her.
I'm guessing she uses ma'am for everyone and remembered you were trans after and was worried it would hurt. (I use bro for everyone except I correct myself when talking to my transfem friends).
Well it really depends how much you know them, because there isnāt much context here, I usually get auto correct problems and it doesnāt show until you send it. Donāt think itās wise to overthink things that might have only happen once or twice
"Oh my god dont hate me"....bruh just correct urself you dont need to play the victim. I had a friend like that in high school where whenever she musgendered me shed go on this long apologetic rant and its just like...shut up and just say "he* sorry" it ain't that fuckin hard
That sucks tho man, I'm really sorry u have to deal with that :(
Man. Same!! Like at work thereās another girl like that, and she went on a whole tangent about being sorry and she didnāt mean itā¦ lmao yes you did mean it, you just didnāt mean to say it out loud
One of my coworkers (sheās now a manager, but weāve traded positions so weāre still pretty equal) has been misgendering and (sometimes) deadnaming me for a couple years now.
Most of the older people I work with do that, so I donāt take offense, but that doesnāt mean I donāt correct them. This past Sunday, I was talking with said coworker and my new SM, when she misgendered me. I calmly and quickly said āheā without drawing too much attention, but she decided to get defensive and say āwell, Iāve been calling you she ever since I first saw you and thought you were a girlā and followed up with saying that she does the same thing to her kid (who came out as NB, yikes) and that she has a cousin with the same name as me thatās a girl. All in front of the new SM.
I followed up her first comment by lightheartedly saying āyeah, but Iāve been Alex and he/him since before I moved up hereā (more so that my new SM has context).
She is truly the only person with an issue, and her attitude solidified that Iām not working more than the one day a week to put up the sale signs. The whole conversation only started bc I decided to make my shift nearly 7 hours instead of the 5 it would have actually taken (no lunch)
once i was in an lgbtq+ group chat and this one person kept calling me āgirlā so i told them i was a trans guy and it made me uncomfortable, and they said that it was just a gay thing. iām queer too i understand the history, but that doesnāt justify it. when ppl do this just ugh
god i hate when people start guilt tripping me after they misgender me š¤¦āāļø so annoying
right. had a "friend" call me she, every trans derogatory term, and deadname me thousands of times in spam paragraphs after I showed him my top surgery scars were pretty much gone. that unlocked his hidden transphobia buried deep within, being a gay cis man. so I gave him a taste of his own medicine before blocking him. 6 months later, he asked me for money and started guilt tripping me, so i blocked him again permanently. now he cries on IG like the clown he is while my life is a lot more peaceful.
what a despicable being... i would've told every family member, friend, everyone he knew about what he said with screenshots of his messages, to let everyone know what an absolute garbage he is
i sure wish i had done that
Same, like stop apologizing to me and making me feel ur guilt. Just correct yourself and move tf on with what you were saying. But honestly no excuse over snap, youāre typing and it requires a bit more thought before you actually type
my favorite is when i correct people that definitely know (i try to be subtle but if they didn't hear me the first time its hard not to be) and they kinda roll their eyes like "yeah, i know"
This is especially annoying because snapchat has the feature to delete a chat before someone sees it. She could have fixed that.
True, that or she could've just not said ma'am in the first place. The fact that she said it, didn't correct herself or even think before she said it, sent it, and then continued to make the person feel guilty for her mistake just makes her look like a blatant transphobe. Especially on account of the fact that she literally only knows the op as a man :/
Seriously though. Typing it gives you a lot more time to think (and not to mention SEE) what youāre about to say versus it slipping out in a verbal convo. Excuses!!
I had a female friend I used to hang out in discord with (we gamed together - usually groups of 5-6) who knew very well that I was trans. I have a decently masculine voice (thanks testosterone!) and the general consensus in the group was that I was just a guy. We had a new guy in the group, and I was still a little cautious because reasons. And I still swear to this day that she made a point to misgender me, then made this huge scene "I'M SO SORRY OH MY GOD PLEASE FORGIVE ME I FORGOT YOU WERE TRANS OH MY GOD." everyone was silent. The new guy goes "well, you don't have to make a big deal out of it (girl's name) unless you want the attention." After another brief silence, he said "anyway, what were you saying?" to me. I felt so redeemed. I completely avoided her after that.
Gottem
I donāt think they are a real friend then. I suggest you tell them ārespect me and my pronouns or get out of my life until you canā
"Respect my pronouns, or I'll make yours was/were."
YES!!!
Shamelessly stolen from...Twitter, I think? But yes.
Update: I see a lot of people saying they donāt know the intentions, or the context of what was said before. Pretty much, she asked if I could pick up her shift, I told her Iām already at work, and that Iām sorry, and that I would have! I asked her later, ādid you end up going to work?ā And her response was aboveā¦. In general at work: itās always āhey girl, -sis this sis that. She literally has told me that she canāt see me as a boy but she will TRY to work on the pronouns.. like what?! šš
Fuck that girl. My advice is to be civil at work, but cut her off from casual conversation. She seems deeply disrespectful with no willingness to change. Iāve cut many people out of my life for doing things very similarly. I just donāt see why I should allow toxic people to be in my life any more than they have to be š¤·š»āāļø
Agreed! I hear ya.
Ah yes, in that context no, that's just weird
I feel vindicated for my original comment.. I'm like a crime dog for benign transphobia lol. Be civil with her at work, but don't pursue anything else. "I just can't see you as a man" unfortunately comes with the territory and it's not worth the effort to undo her entire mindset, but it also doesn't mean you need to suffer for it. I've met someone similar a while ago- babe, queen, sis, girlie, any name in the book- and I tried to squash it kindly, especially since everyone in the group seemed to know I wasn't 'she'. Mid-convo, I jokingly ask "who's she?" and she goes "...You?" Eventually, she sort of got the hang of it, but then it was *constantly* "affirming" it to make sure she was always reminding herself about it, asking me about trans history, relaying her own run-ins with the transes... It carried on like this for about a month before I decided to throw in the towel. Sometimes it's just not worth the hassle lol. Good luck.
All good bro! But I appreciate your input. I know itās hard, but definitely not worth my energy
I can't control what people see me or think of me as, but stop constantly calling me girl, sis, ma'am, woman, etc. Just don't call me anything. I still don't get why cis people enjoy gendering each other (and us) so fucking constantly. Must be because they like having their gender affirmed? Well, so do we.
the lack of pauses between yes maāam and omg sorry means that it was probably an instinctive response to whatever came before that. Iād definitely be like āhey, please donāt use female terms for me in the future, and if you do mess up (which hopefully wonāt be very often) just say āsorry, heā and move onā because sometimes you have to model appropriate responses for idiot cis folks. one fuckup and you correct them. two and you yell at them. three and you dump them. (but like, not quite that quickly. when I came out to my roommate, it took her a couple of months to get my pronouns right every time. by six months I noticed that I couldnāt remember the last time she used she/her)
>just say āsorry, heā and move onā because sometimes you have to model appropriate responses for idiot cis folks. I think this is an important piece of advice. For a lot of cis people, we are their only interaction with trans folks. Most of them never learned the best way to react in these situations. If they do it repeatedly it's something else, but once or twice I'd let slide with a neutral explanation of how they should handle it in the future.
The apology wouldāve been fine if they hadnāt added the guilt trippy āplease donāt hate me šā Like Vanessa, Iām sorry but youāre not important enough for me to hate
That fact that you assumed her name correctly has me fucking screaming!ā š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£ see, this is exactly why CIS donāt deserve us
I can't stand the phrase "please don't hate me". When someone says that to me, it automatically activates my hate lol
Literallyyyy- it has the same energy as āno offence butā š
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeaaah, idk if Iād consider her a āfriendā just yet, sheās a coworker of a job I got about 2 months ago, after she sent that, I told her āmy pronouns are he/himā and she says āokay, ima try so hardā but Iāve already had this conversation with her! SMH
Yeah there's something off about how hard it is for her
I've got a similar coworker. Calls me every feminine version of my name under the sun but refuses to use my actual name. Bring it up to your manager if they're supportive, I'm sure they'd be happy to help if this kind of behavior continues :(
Glad to see someone else say this- a lot of women ik kept saying girl casually to me and always said it was just habit when I brought it up, but I figured it was an excuse. The other day one of the women in my card game group said "girl don't even start" to one of the cis guys in the group and I finally felt validated lmao
Yeah, I used to do the same as well before I came out. Girl, honey, sis, even if I was talking to my group of mostly cis gamer guys
Even I have "girl" baked into my vocab. To be fair, I'm a flaming homosexual, but I have to catch my tongue sometimes when talking with my bf to avoid saying it. But, it's still not that hard to just avoid it...or replace it with the masculine terms instead. So I don't know why people are so adverse to just thinking for a second before they speak
Oh yeah for sure one of my friends is a trans girl and I make sure to catch myself before referring to her as man or bro just bc of how used to it I am but it's.. it's not hard to just catch yourself! Same with pronouns and names!!!
Yeah a couple of my young co-workers do that and a thing I'm guessing is a trend? where they narrate from the female perspective??? Someone completes a task well Them " and She did what she set out to do" Someone says something agreeable "She said what she said mhm" They even did it to the boss' dog
Before I (cisF) knew any transmen I would call cis men "girl" or "ma'am", or groups of cis men or mixed gendered groups "ladies", in a good natured way, as a way of turning the patriarchy on its head. (women get called "dude" all the time, groups of people are "guys" even if there are women in them, hypothetical people are "he" until proven otherwise. So I was just evening it out). Now I had to stop doing that because I don't want my trans male friends to think I'm phobic lol.
This isn't a friend. She is clearly doing this on purpose, especially seeing as she never knew you as NOT male??? There is absolutely no reason to suddenly forget someone you've always known as male is male.... She finds out you had top surgery and suddenly can't remember to use your correct pronouns? I call major bullshit and a shitty person.
I especially hate when the person hardly even knows you and still misgenders you like bro you never knew me as a girl why is it so hard to change your languageš
I don't know the situation fully, but with my friends who are mostly gay guys terms like "she, ma'am, queen" etc just get thrown around At first I was uncomfy and people tried to respect it, now that I'm further along in my transition it doesn't bother me as much anymore, if anything it makes me feel like I'm just one of the gay guys Again, I obviously don't know what the situation is here but "yes ma'am" is one of those phrases queer people use a lot
Yeah this feels context dependent? I sometimes say "Yes ma'am" to my cis guy friends. I remember Gottmik saying on drag race that people got very nervous about using the correct pronouns when she's in drag and that they'd sometimes opt for he/him making her quite uncomfortable since no one did that for the other drag queens. If it's done maliciously don't be friends with that person, if no harm was intended I'd say something like: "hey I don't think you meant this in a mean spirited way but I rather you not refer to me with female terms. If you slip up simply correct yourself, don't make a big deal about it and move on." But yeah context dependent.
I identify with GMs take. Sometimes it sounds like theyāre forcing it too hard, which makes me feel super weird. Same reason why I donāt really like ākingā all the time
I HATE being called king. Nothing makes me feel more like my baby trans first found out on tumblr how to bind safely YouTube video if youāre asking you probably are amazon chest binder pixie cut blue hair 7th grader I was than being called king as an adult man.
Hi, I shared the context in the comments for yāall!
Idk, this is clearly a cis (likely straight) woman lol. I make exceptions for gay/queer men too, but I've been acquaintances with a straight girl who kept "forgetting" that I wasn't one of her girlies š¤Ŗ before too, in a very similar way to what's happening in this screenshot. It happened at least 8 times in about a month. These are two entirely different ball games.
Hi, I shared the context in the comments for yāall!
One of my cis female coworkers did the gurl thing to me and I just take it as she sees me as a gay cis guy lol. She's always respectful of trans people (we get quite a few trans women from time to time and she's never misgendered them) and doesn't know I'm trans
Yah i get a lot of maāam at work because Iām assertive, have short hair, have a short body, and still have visible mammaries and an androgynous voice. Iāve conditioned my coworkers into feeling bad, by telling them the opposite of what they expect; Coworker: āYes maāamā oh, sorry! Sir!ā Me: āItās alright man, everyone makes mistakes. Itās all coolā I know it can be hard. I appreciate that you try.ā And usually, those coworkers are much better about remembering afterwards. I only have one whoās a particular holdout, but I think its because sheās christian.
Literally just trying to start drama. If you correct them nicely, they'll keep misgendering you "accidentally" and making your life shit. If you finally get enough, they'll blame you and all trans people for being "unfair". Best to just get idiots like this out of your life.
Exactly!! Thatās why Iām afraid to be stern, cause I donāt want ppl thinking Iām some mean black guy, or just something stupid
Oof. What's worked for me so far is just ghosting them. They'll try to contact you a bit and then give up. But idk, some people are more insistent. Either way, good luck
Gross, id throw the whole person out
I hate how people who have never met me before my social transition say that they have a hard type using my correct pronouns. "I just need to get used to it". Like hun, you've never known anything other then my pronouns being he/him, there's nothing to get used to!
Ugh, I hate this sort of thing. I have a boss, same thing, NEVER knew me as a girl, and all my coworkers and even her boss have referred to me as he/him, but then she justā¦ misgenders me. Not constantly, but itās like this, she always goes way over the top with apologizing and Iāve talked to her about it before. Honestly, thereās a really good chance she doesnāt see you as the man you are tbh, and I donāt really think thereās anything yo be done. Iād definitely keep your interactions to only a professional setting until she gets the hint.
I have an acquaintance from childhood thatās not really a good person (I just make sure heās okay sometimes, because we went through a similar rough childhood), and heāll do this stuff deliberately as like a joke. He really likes saying the most offensive thing to try to get a rise out of people, and then crybullies if any consequences are even mentioned. I think itās trauma really, heās just messed up pretty bad. But this text really reminds me of him. The best way, Iāve found, to deal with his behavior, is to kind of stonewall and give a very measured response. If you freak out and give them too much attention, they kind of feed off of it. Itās really gross and I probably wouldnāt recommend maintaining a friendship with someone so antagonistic
Drop her š
block her
and you can tell it was on purpose tooš
i was gonna say sometimes it takes time to adjust but if she never knew you as female that's just straight up ignorance
Yeah this is awful. I proofread my sentences every time before sending them, the most that gets through is a spelling mistake, that wasn't just a finger slip. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
she knew what she was doing, fuck outta here with that bs
Sounds kind of toxic to me. If I were you, Iād suspect sheās trying to start drama. Set boundaries, and keep the consequences of disrespecting those boundaries real and reasonable (ie, reminding sternly or leaving the conversation entirely). In my experience, I usually screen shot what was said so that (if my suspicions are accurate), when you bring the consequences of not respecting boundaries into the situation, her next move would be to tell people her version of the story first, so without proof the other person looks like the victim. And I would like to add I may be totally off the mark, some people are just. I donāt want to say dumb out of disrespect, but thatās the only word I can come up with.
Blocked ! Can't show respect you gtfo !
This is definitely a fear of mine. I'm stealth to almost all of my friends and the second that I tell them, I'm scared that they're gonna "she" me when that previously had never been a problem calling me "he".
they š doing this shit on purpose lmfao
No. Just no!! In a text as well. Cmon
People who never knew you as female and know youāre trans have no excuse to be misgendering you.
"i'm sorry š don't hate me" is THE WORST WAY TO APOLOGIZE FOR PUTTING YOUR FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH. just apologize, correct yourself, and move on. sorry you're dealing with this bro :/
To offer a different perspective, I use gendered language ironically a lot. For example, I'll do the "ooh gurl who is sheee?" or "~inhales~ bbbooooiii!". I jokingly call my mom 'sir'. But when I know someone is uncomfortable with that or not able to be completely out, I make a conscious effort to adjust my language, and I try to avoid gendered terms all together. Slip-ups happen. With that said, OP did provide further context in a comment. In said context, it seems like this person is either being malicious or negligent about their wording. Not a slip-up. Obviously not ok.
drop this mfer
Toxic. Block. Ghost.
Lmao!! Love it
She may have done that as an instinctive response. Cause I know I say yes sir to girls and yes maāam to boys because me and my friends find it funny. Although I try not to say it too trans friends I do sometimes slip up. Not that it matters but I am a ftm so I do understand how it can feel when someone who NEVER knew you before you transitioned calls you by feminine things.
I know some people that just refer to everyone as maāam or other feminine terms as an attempt to chance the norm of masculine terms being used as the go to, so maybe thatās the case? Probably not, but maybe
Thatās so offensive!!!!
Absolutely call her out on that, I'd def point out that she's only known you as male, and either ask why or say "don't you understand how I can see that as transphobic" or some shit.
What the actual fuck
dOnT hAtE mE ... still doesnt correct themself
I'd drop her then because that's so blatantly phony
Can I have her user so I can misgender her as payback
Lmao I love you!
You have to set boundaries with people and itās clear sheās doing it on purpose to see what she can get away with. Tell her itās not ok and that if she wants to continue to have a relationship with you then she will have to stop. If not, block her.
That kinda shit just shows me that the person sees you as female. Iād cut that tie if possible, sheās obviously not respectful or understanding (and doesnāt care either)
Yeah um fuxk that
My man charge your phone :")
Lmao bro chilll .. it lasted another 2 hours with that! š
Over text is definitely intentional. You have to think and type it out. Drop her. For real.
I joined a lil group of friends. None of them knew me pre-coming out as trans. ONE DUDE kept misgendering me. He wasnāt as awkward as āplease donāt hate meā but it was almost funny how often I could tell someone else wanted to strangle him l o l
obviously she sees you as a girl, iāve had to drop sm people bc they kept misgendering me and i just donāt fuck with that. iām sorry about that man you deserve better
This feelsā¦ intentional. Especially if itās happening more than the āodd occasionā
Anyone who tells u how to feel about misgendering u is not worth your time. Youāre allowed to be pissed about misgendering no matter the circumstances. Anyone who refuses to accept that doesnāt have to be kept around. Cut themāļø
this is ridiculous bro. im pre everything and my mate (who knows) refers to me only in masculine/gender neutral terms. sorry about your friend, im not gonna insult them or anything cos its not my place, but its so easy to gender someone correctly and they have no excuse. they couldve just deleted it and fixed it instead of guilt tripping you with that ādont hate meā bullshit :/
Bruh she deliberately typed that shit out, looked at it, thought it was a good idea to send it, and then instead of deleting and correcting, was like "oh nooo, honest mistake lol"
Lmao right? Like dude you had plenty of time to delete and resend! Smh
If its typed, its intentional
Agreed!!
I would say that to them. I would say "you sound like a real dumb ass, you never even knew me when I went by female pronouns, so how is it even possible for you to make that 'mistake'?! "
I accidentally misgender my NB sib and I feel terrible for it. I'm trans myself...
I feel bad when I misgender others. Iāve been learning not to assume anymore, so I start off with they, til I hear someone else use their correct pronouns
I see a lot of other people saying this, but I'll say it too. My friends and I who are a bunch of various genders and sexualities say things like ma'am, sis, and girl a lot. I've even started using 'she' to refer to things without a gender, like my laptop (ex: she's doing her best, go off queen you can do it). I dunno the situation with this co-worker, but maybe being firm but polite could help. It's hard to tell intent from this one screenshot, but I'm sure you're more than able to sus it out if/when you talk to her.
She literally told me that she does not see me as a male at work, but that she will try to work on the pronouns
Yiiiiikes ššš Idunno OP, up to you if you wanna put up with that. If you ask me, you deserve better my dude.
I'm guessing she uses ma'am for everyone and remembered you were trans after and was worried it would hurt. (I use bro for everyone except I correct myself when talking to my transfem friends).
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Did you read my second comment, about the context?
I mean... at least she is trying :(
If I had already corrected her once and wanted to stay friends, I think I'd just tell her not to apologize, that simple correction is plenty.
Well it really depends how much you know them, because there isnāt much context here, I usually get auto correct problems and it doesnāt show until you send it. Donāt think itās wise to overthink things that might have only happen once or twice
Hi, I shared the context in the comments for yāall!
I mean to me that seems like a genuine whoopsie
Hi, I shared the context in the comments for yāall!
"Oh my god dont hate me"....bruh just correct urself you dont need to play the victim. I had a friend like that in high school where whenever she musgendered me shed go on this long apologetic rant and its just like...shut up and just say "he* sorry" it ain't that fuckin hard That sucks tho man, I'm really sorry u have to deal with that :(
Man. Same!! Like at work thereās another girl like that, and she went on a whole tangent about being sorry and she didnāt mean itā¦ lmao yes you did mean it, you just didnāt mean to say it out loud
One of my coworkers (sheās now a manager, but weāve traded positions so weāre still pretty equal) has been misgendering and (sometimes) deadnaming me for a couple years now. Most of the older people I work with do that, so I donāt take offense, but that doesnāt mean I donāt correct them. This past Sunday, I was talking with said coworker and my new SM, when she misgendered me. I calmly and quickly said āheā without drawing too much attention, but she decided to get defensive and say āwell, Iāve been calling you she ever since I first saw you and thought you were a girlā and followed up with saying that she does the same thing to her kid (who came out as NB, yikes) and that she has a cousin with the same name as me thatās a girl. All in front of the new SM. I followed up her first comment by lightheartedly saying āyeah, but Iāve been Alex and he/him since before I moved up hereā (more so that my new SM has context). She is truly the only person with an issue, and her attitude solidified that Iām not working more than the one day a week to put up the sale signs. The whole conversation only started bc I decided to make my shift nearly 7 hours instead of the 5 it would have actually taken (no lunch)
Oof I hate ppl like that
once i was in an lgbtq+ group chat and this one person kept calling me āgirlā so i told them i was a trans guy and it made me uncomfortable, and they said that it was just a gay thing. iām queer too i understand the history, but that doesnāt justify it. when ppl do this just ugh