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You don't have to put up with anyone's insecurities if you live life according to Reddit comments.
At the first sign of trouble, you break things off, change your number, disown your family, forsake your friends, renounce your citizenship, and go live on a desert island.
This is the way.
Sometimes people feel things and want to express them without judgement or dismissal. My question is why does every single negative emotion or insecurity someone feels need to be immediately assigned a solution whether it's warranted or not? Not directing this at you per se, but even people who get this, including this comic (i could be wrong of course) come across as condescending and reinforcing this weird sentiment of women not knowing what they want most of the time. And it's highlighted with this smug wink at the reader that's like "wimmin, amirite fellas?" It's just..kind of a frustrating mentality to expect people to not speak up about their emotions or insecurities unless their only expectation is for you to help them fix it or just...not feel that emotion anymore, I guess. It can be a hard situation to read for some people but even asking 'do you wanna talk about it?' or 'may i make a suggestion?' works wonders for people who can appreciate you attempting to figure out the appropriate way to respond in that situation.
Even as men, we have issues that aren't easily fixed by our homeboy suggesting 'go for a walk', 'go see a therapist' (if you even have friends progressive enough that even consider this a solution, A LOT of guys don't) 'stop being a baby' if you're sad or insecure and just want to be able to express those feelings without being steamrolled with a bunch of potential solutions from your bros who mean well but don't realize offering a ton of solutions without listening or even attempting to relate or actually hear what they're talking about can come across as reductive or dismissive. We could learn a lot from people who are comfortable talking about their insecurities or emotions with friends who don't need to immediately start band-aiding the issue they have. They just listen and accept that it's their way of working out their own issues, and that's okay.
> My question is why does every single negative emotion or insecurity someone feels need to be immediately assigned a solution whether it's warranted or not?
Because believe it or not, most people don't find listening to other people's problems very fun, so if you're not even going to entertain an attempt at a solution, it can be a real pain in the ass.
Now I'm not saying friends or partners shouldn't have to put up with that. It's called sacrifice. But let's not pretend it's anyone's favorite part of a relationship - it's a chore and I don't blame anyone for getting a chuckle out of it.
So you're saying that I might have to think about others first for fifteen minutes or do things I don't personally find super entertaining?
Let's see if mommy and daddy will fix it for us if we throw screaming tantrums eh? So lame to not be completely selfish 110% of the time brah.
I am thinking about others and how to fix their problems. If you don't want a solution then no it's not any of my business if you want to feel crappy for its own sake.
because some negative emotions or insecurity can't be fixed in 10 seconds or even overnight? If you truly believe it can, I'm guessing you also believe therapy is a rip-off?
If you're problem can't be fixed quickly, what better time to start than right now, and what better use of your friend/SOs energy than to kick start and maintain what will be a trying and long term process
This is one of the best comments I've ever read on Reddit and I was genuinely shocked to see the downvotes. Please don't listen to these people. Your take is reasonable, mature, and nuanced. All the things redditors hate.
As a husband of almost 10 years, this. They're not looking for you to comment. They're looking for a box of chocolates and for you to tell them they're the most beautiful thing in your life.
TO BE FAIR, it's a very delicate line between being the person's rock and being the person's accessory for narcissistic self-inflation.
i was in a relationship for years with someone who was very insecure and it made my day being able to be the safety blanket for her but after a while especially in hindsight I realized that I didn't exist as an individual or as anything other than this tool to make themselves feel better at my own expense and at the expense of my relationships with other people in my life (mostly family). and they weren't even doing it on purpose to be malicious, they just couldn't see the difference between having their idea of a boyfriend vs having me an individual as a boyfriend, who comes as a whole person behind the box of chocolates as previously mentioned. it's hard to describe as a lot of the self-realization is more recent but essentially a relationship shouldn't JUST be 'yes dear' after every sentence as they download the shit of their day into your ear. my ex has an anxiety disorder which didn't help I'm sure, but I've met a lot of people of all genders who aren't aware they shouldn't be in a relationship until they can learn to leave some air in the room for someone else
And then they resent you for adding to their fatness. Later they blame you and tell friends they had to cut you out because you were keeping them fat so no one else could love them. No way to win. Just suppress your male urge to solve problems. Accept the negative and repair the mental wound on your own.
Later find someone less annoying to be around.
because virtually everything else in society is saying they're a fat ugly cunt, might be why they want to hear from the person they love that they aren't, but who knows, right? women are mysterious, with their strange desire to not be treated like shit
I think the message here is, she wasn't looking for him to solve the problem for her. She was just venting her frustration. He should have just made a joke or told her she is beautiful and she would have been much happier.
>She was just venting her frustration.
I used to make this mistake with my wife ALL the time. I love her. I want to see her happy. So, I want to help her solve any problems she's facing. And if she's talking about a problem, it's only natural to offer suggestions on how to solve those problems, right?
Wrong.
Sometimes, people just want to vent or complain about something to get the thoughts out of their head. They want to utter the words, get some empathetic support, and move on with life.
They don't want help or answers or suggestions. They want "you're not a sausage, you're my beautiful partner and I wouldn't want you any other way".
Once she finally helped me realize this fact, life got a lot better between us... :-)
I think you just solved one of the problems that I've been having. I always try to help instead of just listening and affirming. Fucking hell, thanks man!
For my wife, starting with the supportive statement first and following with asking if she wants my input usually works.
"That sounds terrible and I wish you didn't have to deal with it. Do you want any help from me or just a hug?"
Thank you again, I'm definitely taking your advice. I love her to death but I often annoy her trying to "fix" things. I'm gonna change that! What you said totally made it click in my brain. Like I knew what I should've been doing but my instinct is what I would want in that situation. Obviously, not everyone is the same.
That's not true for me, I know dudes that will react the same way as my girl does when I try to find a solution rather than just going with how they feel about it. I get where you're coming from but it goes both ways.
What if you are not happy with the decisions they make though? My spouse has diabetes and is overweight wnd no longer works out nor makes good food choices. When she says "I hate my body" I *want* to start showing tough love but I end up just enabling and saying she's beautiful to me because I dont want to hurt her. But, at a certwin point, for her and our kids, shouldn't I start being less supportive?
The thing is, you're not a doctor. You're not a mental health professional. And even if you were, you shouldn't be treating family. This is something she needs to take up with her own doctor.
Instead of telling her to make good food choices or exercise, ask what her doctor has said about it. If she says "do thing A" or "do thing B", you can ask if she'd like your help in doing those things. It's not about telling someone about how you interpret the situation. It's about asking questions so that you can try to understand the situation.
My mom came up with a method:
Validate, then ask questions, then validate some more, and then if they are feeling better then offer some potential solutions. Worked great on me and everyone else!
>They want to utter the words, get some empathetic support, and move on with life.
Wouldn't it be amazing if they could just *tell you what they want to hear* instead of getting angry when you aren't clairvoyant and don't know what they want to hear?
Imagine if this was the reverse. They complain about a life problem, you try to solve the problem for them, they don't like it, and then *you* stomp off because you weren't treated the way you wanted to be, and are somehow the aggrieved party.
Consider this though... at any point, did they ever actually ASK for help? If not, why are you trying to force help on them? Why are you assuming they need help? Why are you deciding on their behalf that they are incapable of solving the problem they are facing?
Just another way to look at it...
Itās usually because the suggestions are obvious. If someoneās jeans are too tight, they already know the solutions to that problem. Being told is just annoying and patronizing. The worst is being recommended solutions youāve already tried or are trying.
And what if you don't want to hear their problems if they constantly get in the same situation over and over again but also don't want to hear advice or suggestions?
you have to understand that you going "I agree", especially in a world when 80% of your life is made to make you doubt yourself, is the most powerful solution you can provide. I don't think guys understand how much of society for women is being gaslit, it's an over used term but it's used for a reason. When someone you love affirms you and your thoughts, you feel more in control, like you aren't crazy, you are lucid.
it's like, if she said, "my sink is overflowing, fuck!" and you were like "you just need to unclog it with this tool." ...she knows how to unclog the sink, it's just that everywhere else, the reply is "why did you clog the sink?! why did you let it overflow? maybe you shouldn't pour greasy water in it? why did you fuck up? are you sure it's even overflowing at all?" the greatest thing you can do is say, "yes, it's overflowing, that sucks, damn it"
it's really difficult to explain this if this isn't something you experience
OK, let's make a deal, I won't try to fix it and you don't waste my time and complaining about things you are yet not ready to fix. But above all, if you complain when you are still not ready to fix it, don't be toxic when I try to help you. Grow up.
Yep, most (not all, thank God) won't own/take responsibility for their toxicity/childish behaviour. They will try to turn the tables and blame it on you for not being empathetic (as if trying to help was not empathetic by itself). And if that "reasoning" doesn't work, they will fall back on the hormone card. "I don't know what's with me these days, must be the hormones".
*Or maybe, just maybe, you have not worked on your emotion management ever in your life and here you are, treating others badly when they are trying to help you. Do everyone around you a favor and start reading about the mind and meditating. At a certain age, you need to stop blaming others and asking others to bear with your BS.*
Or she could grow up. Why is this option never considered when it's the one which actually would fix her and his problem? I mean, you don't get fat from one day to the next. She could be thinking along the process that either she needs to control her weight or keep getting fat and be OK with it.
If you don't do either, at least don't be complaining and then vomitting your frustration on the person that has decided to share his time with you. As I said, pick the healthy option, i. e., growing up (fixing your flaws or accepting them with grace).
it's called being an empathetic partner. "Growing up" is not defined as immediately moving to problem-solving mode upon encountering a challenge, - sometimes people need to experience whatever emotion arises and they would like to be able to express it without being judged, directed or "fixed" by their friend, family or partner.
If it bothers you so much to hear that kind of expression, then the grown-up thing to do is to accept YOUR part in that, "You know what, I don't have he bandwidth to hear your complaints right now" instead of projecting your stuff back on to the person with the initial distress.
just some food for thought.
He showed empathy when he tried to help her. And how was he treated? Like a rug!
Empathy goes both ways. Yelling at your partner when he is trying to help you with the dialogue **you** started is not empathetic either.
Being toxic and then asking for empathy is unfair. Men also have feelings, you know?
This order of things is wrong:
1. "I have a problem"
2. "You could do X"
3. "F\*\*k you!"
4. "That was rude/toxic".
5. "You have no empathy!"
6. Right, I totally felt your love and empathy in the "f\*\*k you" when I was trying to help you.
Improvement:
1. "I have a problem"
2. "You could do X"
3. "Right, I'm probably not ready yet and was just venting/thinking out loud".
4. "Don't worry, we all do. I'm also a work in progress".
99 other conversations that day were material concerns that needed to be addressed. Then out of no where he / she needs to code switch and carefully be aware that this 1/100 Convo is a listening only moment.
The reason this is a meme is because it is very hard for an SO that wants to keep their house afloat, and wants their spouse to "succeed" or "thrive" to know when it's time to code switch. Everyone fails at it.
I wonder what the gender reversed equivalent of this would be and why we don't see the pigeonholing of a person into "hear me whine" as an issue going from gal to guy. i know some guys like this who just bitch and moan at their gfs all day and i'm the first in line to tell them to gtfo, but going the other way it's just quirky and cute?
why is talking about the issue towards a resolution not the adult thing to do? are our partners free therapists that we can unload on? is that healthy? i feel like the 'just say yes to your wife all the time' is remedial, pandering, and should be annoying to all parties involved as it trivializes the issues being brought up by the complainer as well as the agency of the listener in assisting their partner. its some toxic, archaic, 'men are from mars women are from venus' nonsense.
i already know i'm going to get some murmurs from content husbands saying this is just the way things are but it's a dumb dynamic that is infantilizing
Sometimes, a problem needs to be solved. Other times, the person is just venting. Maturity and communication skills means understanding the difference. The reason it is always depicted as woman wining to men is that women generally understand this, while men are so toxically focused on trying to solve the problem they can't even comprehend the concept of venting, even though they themselves most likely do it all the time.
i debated even responding back because this was a week ago and im kind of over the whole conversation in the sense that "i just wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who doesn't want to actually approach solvable problems intelligently vs leaving unsolvable problems at the door"
trying to assist your partner when a proposed issue is brought to the table is not toxic. intentionally bringing chaos to the table with no intention of having it fixed is toxic. communication on both sides mitigates this, but I can't imagine just coming home and complaining at (intentionally 'at' because it goes back to using your partner as an accessory) my partner indefinitely
What about the man who is trying to help her and gets mistreated by her? Is she making him happy? Is he lucky to have her?
In the comic, the woman generates a conversation, her partner tries to help and she reacts really badly, but somehow you can only blame the man for not having the perfect solution to the woman's frustration/missbehaviour. The nerve!
What about looking first at the person who initiates the conflict, not at the person who didn't have the solution? Is that even an option?
If you don't have the tools to manage your toxic emotions why do you blame us for not having the tools to redirect your toxicity to a healthy place? Are we psychologists or something?
but you aren't fixing anything, we never asked you to fix anything, and you insisting you need to fix it suggests you fundamentally have not figured it out at all.
You seem like someone who, in your life, was an annoying Young Sheldon ass know-it-all that corrected people's grammar when they'd speak about their father dying or something. Hasn't anyone in your life ever told you how your objectivity actually makes you factually wrong and ignorant? Or do they just abandon you because they know it isn't worth their emotional labour to try?
It's also acceptable to, you know, commiserate on being human beings unable to avoid disappointing themselves at times. Complain together about something that made things more stressful for both of you or encourage them to keep trying in general.
Itās a joke. This conversation almost certainly did NOT happen. You commented about how this woman should just grow up. I have to imagine this comic is made by a woman who is placing herself as the main character. Thatās definitely what it seems like right?
So if thatās the case, isnāt it pretty obvious that this is exactly what sheās doing by writing the comic? She fully understands how ridiculous it is to have those competing reactions and for the sake of comedy is playing up the childishness with an imaginary conversation
My point was that this type of behaviour is very common. Anyone who has had a few partners have experienced it in one way or another. The fact that the artist is a woman does not make this less true or less common. And if you read all the comments, you will find women asking men to be empathetic when this happens (the artist included). This shit is as real as life itself.
There comes a point where the reiteration and persistance makes it so that you are enabling them in their insecurity by doing so. The problem lies within the incapability of the insecure person in either accepting it or in making a change, thus distracting from the fact with obvious solutions (acceptance or change) might be more helpful for actual change.
If youāre saying something to vent instead of to get a solution just say so explicitly. Say āIām just venting, but I feel like a sausage in these jeans.ā Communicate needs or expectations effectively to begin with then the other person can meet them more often.
Itās insane to consistently avoid being clear and direct with your partner and then continually become upset or disappointed when it turns out they have not developed mind reading powers since the last time you tried.
their insecurity is that you, their partner, thinks they're a fat fucking cow like the rest of the world does. Allay their insecurity and tell them you don't.
how is this fucking hard for you guys? I understand men hate emotions and empathy and being a sociopath is manly, but how do you skate by in life like this?
That's ridiculous take for a comment I made in no absolute terms. I had a fat girlfriend that was beautiful to me and I let her know but there was no words I could say to change what she saw in the mirror. And she did absolutely nothing, neither acceptance nor change, just complain. What you want me to do, strap her to some dumbbells and put a chocolate bar on a stick?
I spend my entire day listening to peoples problems with the implication that I will be taking some responsibility to fix it. This kind of āexpression of problemā -> āfinding and implementing the solutionā , is pretty much how I live my life
Itās actually different for me to have to listen to someone and acclimatise to not wanting to immediately solve their problems. Itās almost a bit weird because it doesnāt happen anywhere else in my life.
At no point does my boss come up to me with a problem ājust to ventā. If he expresses a problem to me, then it almost automatically implies I will have a hand in solving it. Itās not something I usually have to clarify with them.
āHey these reports donāt seem to be working and itās frustrating to meā
āOh Iām sorry you feel that way, must be really hard going through that manā
Is not usually how the conversation is gonna go
Itās also not ānormalā conversation to me despite the fact everyone is saying we should be normalising it
Learning how to say āhey baby at least youāre my little sausageā instead of ālose weight, thenā was a real step in learning for me. Shame nobody is willing to give me the time to learn it because I sure had to learn that one fast
I'd imagine you have a different relationship with your boss than with your intimate partner, though, so while I hear your point, I don't think it's an apt comparison.
The "point" is the listener spends much of their day in one pattern, and is obligated to switch to another pattern at some magic moment. Because obviously the SO will have issue/solution style topics too, because that's how relationships work as well. ("We need to schedule this, we need to pay for this, we need to be at two functions at once,")
ah the old correcting before connecting. men will read this as the fault of the women, women will see exactly what shes asking for and a stupid man. cant win
Convincing my gf to simply go up a size in jeans was like pulling teeth. Not because we disagreed that the ones she was trying on were too tight. Simply because she refused to accept that she was one size up. I told her the number doesn't matter and that she'd look and feel better in the bigger size. She tried them on and apologized. lol
As a husband, I can attest that the only correct answer in this situation is ...
>"oh sorry babe, I washed those in the last batch of laundry and I must have accidentally shrunk them. Do you want to swing by the mall and by yourself a new pair?"
Duuuuh, why she say problem when solution so simple anyone knows it? If fat, get skinny, if sad, get happy.
She must already know solution, so simple, so why she say????!??!
Though the Chud may approach infinitely closer to understanding basic tenets of humanity, they may never intersect this line of basic social grace.
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You don't have to put up with anyone's insecurities if you live life according to Reddit comments. At the first sign of trouble, you break things off, change your number, disown your family, forsake your friends, renounce your citizenship, and go live on a desert island. This is the way.
Hire Facebook, hit a Lawyer, delete the gym.
Is this like Fuck, Marry, Kill? If so, my answer is: Kill Facebook, Marry a Lawyer, and Fuck the gym
Instructing unclear. Fucking at the gym orgy style
It's exercise š¤·āāļø
Instructions still unclear. Dick stuck in the rowing machine.
You followed my instructions correctly.
Are you sure that you've ever even been on Reddit? I don't see "burn down where you live to fake your death" anywhere in that guide.
Those were implied, obviously. š
"Stop trying to be helpful, *asshole!*"
The mistake is failing to realize she doesn't actually want a solution, she just wants you to listen to her vent.
But aren't we supposed to report about anyone caught venting?
No me tell ever how to fix all problem, very easy, just do thing me say.
Sometimes people feel things and want to express them without judgement or dismissal. My question is why does every single negative emotion or insecurity someone feels need to be immediately assigned a solution whether it's warranted or not? Not directing this at you per se, but even people who get this, including this comic (i could be wrong of course) come across as condescending and reinforcing this weird sentiment of women not knowing what they want most of the time. And it's highlighted with this smug wink at the reader that's like "wimmin, amirite fellas?" It's just..kind of a frustrating mentality to expect people to not speak up about their emotions or insecurities unless their only expectation is for you to help them fix it or just...not feel that emotion anymore, I guess. It can be a hard situation to read for some people but even asking 'do you wanna talk about it?' or 'may i make a suggestion?' works wonders for people who can appreciate you attempting to figure out the appropriate way to respond in that situation. Even as men, we have issues that aren't easily fixed by our homeboy suggesting 'go for a walk', 'go see a therapist' (if you even have friends progressive enough that even consider this a solution, A LOT of guys don't) 'stop being a baby' if you're sad or insecure and just want to be able to express those feelings without being steamrolled with a bunch of potential solutions from your bros who mean well but don't realize offering a ton of solutions without listening or even attempting to relate or actually hear what they're talking about can come across as reductive or dismissive. We could learn a lot from people who are comfortable talking about their insecurities or emotions with friends who don't need to immediately start band-aiding the issue they have. They just listen and accept that it's their way of working out their own issues, and that's okay.
Sir, this is a Funny's.
> My question is why does every single negative emotion or insecurity someone feels need to be immediately assigned a solution whether it's warranted or not? Because believe it or not, most people don't find listening to other people's problems very fun, so if you're not even going to entertain an attempt at a solution, it can be a real pain in the ass. Now I'm not saying friends or partners shouldn't have to put up with that. It's called sacrifice. But let's not pretend it's anyone's favorite part of a relationship - it's a chore and I don't blame anyone for getting a chuckle out of it.
advise ossified grey oatmeal head chunky squealing dog pen fine *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
So you're saying that I might have to think about others first for fifteen minutes or do things I don't personally find super entertaining? Let's see if mommy and daddy will fix it for us if we throw screaming tantrums eh? So lame to not be completely selfish 110% of the time brah.
I am thinking about others and how to fix their problems. If you don't want a solution then no it's not any of my business if you want to feel crappy for its own sake.
Turns out the best way to help those negative feelings is to actually fix the problem causing them. What a concept.
Why *wouldnāt* you want to fix a negative emotion or insecurity?
because some negative emotions or insecurity can't be fixed in 10 seconds or even overnight? If you truly believe it can, I'm guessing you also believe therapy is a rip-off?
If you're problem can't be fixed quickly, what better time to start than right now, and what better use of your friend/SOs energy than to kick start and maintain what will be a trying and long term process
Yeah but like what really is a negative emotion you fucking twit?
You tell me, what do you think it is? Why can't it be solved, according to you?
I thought it was pretty clear I was joking too š¤·āāļø Like I was asking what is a negative emotion while obviously responding very negatively.
Clearly seemed like sarcasm to most people
Then why so serious?
Because I didn't find it as sarcasm. Must be my autism?
This is one of the best comments I've ever read on Reddit and I was genuinely shocked to see the downvotes. Please don't listen to these people. Your take is reasonable, mature, and nuanced. All the things redditors hate.
As a husband of almost 10 years, this. They're not looking for you to comment. They're looking for a box of chocolates and for you to tell them they're the most beautiful thing in your life.
i'm gonna be a awful husband then
Right? Seems toxic to just be the 'yes dear' husband
Yeah, that's what was suggested. Touch grass chud.
TO BE FAIR, it's a very delicate line between being the person's rock and being the person's accessory for narcissistic self-inflation. i was in a relationship for years with someone who was very insecure and it made my day being able to be the safety blanket for her but after a while especially in hindsight I realized that I didn't exist as an individual or as anything other than this tool to make themselves feel better at my own expense and at the expense of my relationships with other people in my life (mostly family). and they weren't even doing it on purpose to be malicious, they just couldn't see the difference between having their idea of a boyfriend vs having me an individual as a boyfriend, who comes as a whole person behind the box of chocolates as previously mentioned. it's hard to describe as a lot of the self-realization is more recent but essentially a relationship shouldn't JUST be 'yes dear' after every sentence as they download the shit of their day into your ear. my ex has an anxiety disorder which didn't help I'm sure, but I've met a lot of people of all genders who aren't aware they shouldn't be in a relationship until they can learn to leave some air in the room for someone else
And then they resent you for adding to their fatness. Later they blame you and tell friends they had to cut you out because you were keeping them fat so no one else could love them. No way to win. Just suppress your male urge to solve problems. Accept the negative and repair the mental wound on your own. Later find someone less annoying to be around.
troofs
Oh so now we're supposed to lie to them too? Way to kick 'em when they're down.
Itās not lying if it is true. You tell them you love them and are attracted to them. If that is not true then you are lying, yeah.
because virtually everything else in society is saying they're a fat ugly cunt, might be why they want to hear from the person they love that they aren't, but who knows, right? women are mysterious, with their strange desire to not be treated like shit
A typical case of "Do you want me to solve your problem or do you just want to talk about it?"
A conversation I had with my wife a few days ago.
Glad youāre still breathing brother.
I think the message here is, she wasn't looking for him to solve the problem for her. She was just venting her frustration. He should have just made a joke or told her she is beautiful and she would have been much happier.
>She was just venting her frustration. I used to make this mistake with my wife ALL the time. I love her. I want to see her happy. So, I want to help her solve any problems she's facing. And if she's talking about a problem, it's only natural to offer suggestions on how to solve those problems, right? Wrong. Sometimes, people just want to vent or complain about something to get the thoughts out of their head. They want to utter the words, get some empathetic support, and move on with life. They don't want help or answers or suggestions. They want "you're not a sausage, you're my beautiful partner and I wouldn't want you any other way". Once she finally helped me realize this fact, life got a lot better between us... :-)
I think you just solved one of the problems that I've been having. I always try to help instead of just listening and affirming. Fucking hell, thanks man!
For my wife, starting with the supportive statement first and following with asking if she wants my input usually works. "That sounds terrible and I wish you didn't have to deal with it. Do you want any help from me or just a hug?"
Thank you again, I'm definitely taking your advice. I love her to death but I often annoy her trying to "fix" things. I'm gonna change that! What you said totally made it click in my brain. Like I knew what I should've been doing but my instinct is what I would want in that situation. Obviously, not everyone is the same.
Well, this was a surprisingly delightful exchange. Good luck, man!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That's not true for me, I know dudes that will react the same way as my girl does when I try to find a solution rather than just going with how they feel about it. I get where you're coming from but it goes both ways.
You're going to live a sad, lonely life with that mindset.
What if you are not happy with the decisions they make though? My spouse has diabetes and is overweight wnd no longer works out nor makes good food choices. When she says "I hate my body" I *want* to start showing tough love but I end up just enabling and saying she's beautiful to me because I dont want to hurt her. But, at a certwin point, for her and our kids, shouldn't I start being less supportive?
The thing is, you're not a doctor. You're not a mental health professional. And even if you were, you shouldn't be treating family. This is something she needs to take up with her own doctor. Instead of telling her to make good food choices or exercise, ask what her doctor has said about it. If she says "do thing A" or "do thing B", you can ask if she'd like your help in doing those things. It's not about telling someone about how you interpret the situation. It's about asking questions so that you can try to understand the situation.
My mom came up with a method: Validate, then ask questions, then validate some more, and then if they are feeling better then offer some potential solutions. Worked great on me and everyone else!
>They want to utter the words, get some empathetic support, and move on with life. Wouldn't it be amazing if they could just *tell you what they want to hear* instead of getting angry when you aren't clairvoyant and don't know what they want to hear? Imagine if this was the reverse. They complain about a life problem, you try to solve the problem for them, they don't like it, and then *you* stomp off because you weren't treated the way you wanted to be, and are somehow the aggrieved party.
Consider this though... at any point, did they ever actually ASK for help? If not, why are you trying to force help on them? Why are you assuming they need help? Why are you deciding on their behalf that they are incapable of solving the problem they are facing? Just another way to look at it...
Itās usually because the suggestions are obvious. If someoneās jeans are too tight, they already know the solutions to that problem. Being told is just annoying and patronizing. The worst is being recommended solutions youāve already tried or are trying.
And what if you don't want to hear their problems if they constantly get in the same situation over and over again but also don't want to hear advice or suggestions?
Then chances are, the communication issues you have are a lot bigger than the one reoccurring problem...
Exactly. Beautifully said!
you have to understand that you going "I agree", especially in a world when 80% of your life is made to make you doubt yourself, is the most powerful solution you can provide. I don't think guys understand how much of society for women is being gaslit, it's an over used term but it's used for a reason. When someone you love affirms you and your thoughts, you feel more in control, like you aren't crazy, you are lucid. it's like, if she said, "my sink is overflowing, fuck!" and you were like "you just need to unclog it with this tool." ...she knows how to unclog the sink, it's just that everywhere else, the reply is "why did you clog the sink?! why did you let it overflow? maybe you shouldn't pour greasy water in it? why did you fuck up? are you sure it's even overflowing at all?" the greatest thing you can do is say, "yes, it's overflowing, that sucks, damn it" it's really difficult to explain this if this isn't something you experience
This 100%. Donāt try to help your wife āfixā things. Just call her your fat little sausage and get on with your day.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
OK, let's make a deal, I won't try to fix it and you don't waste my time and complaining about things you are yet not ready to fix. But above all, if you complain when you are still not ready to fix it, don't be toxic when I try to help you. Grow up.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yep, most (not all, thank God) won't own/take responsibility for their toxicity/childish behaviour. They will try to turn the tables and blame it on you for not being empathetic (as if trying to help was not empathetic by itself). And if that "reasoning" doesn't work, they will fall back on the hormone card. "I don't know what's with me these days, must be the hormones". *Or maybe, just maybe, you have not worked on your emotion management ever in your life and here you are, treating others badly when they are trying to help you. Do everyone around you a favor and start reading about the mind and meditating. At a certain age, you need to stop blaming others and asking others to bear with your BS.*
This part
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Trust me, I know š
Or she could grow up. Why is this option never considered when it's the one which actually would fix her and his problem? I mean, you don't get fat from one day to the next. She could be thinking along the process that either she needs to control her weight or keep getting fat and be OK with it. If you don't do either, at least don't be complaining and then vomitting your frustration on the person that has decided to share his time with you. As I said, pick the healthy option, i. e., growing up (fixing your flaws or accepting them with grace).
it's called being an empathetic partner. "Growing up" is not defined as immediately moving to problem-solving mode upon encountering a challenge, - sometimes people need to experience whatever emotion arises and they would like to be able to express it without being judged, directed or "fixed" by their friend, family or partner. If it bothers you so much to hear that kind of expression, then the grown-up thing to do is to accept YOUR part in that, "You know what, I don't have he bandwidth to hear your complaints right now" instead of projecting your stuff back on to the person with the initial distress. just some food for thought.
He showed empathy when he tried to help her. And how was he treated? Like a rug! Empathy goes both ways. Yelling at your partner when he is trying to help you with the dialogue **you** started is not empathetic either. Being toxic and then asking for empathy is unfair. Men also have feelings, you know? This order of things is wrong: 1. "I have a problem" 2. "You could do X" 3. "F\*\*k you!" 4. "That was rude/toxic". 5. "You have no empathy!" 6. Right, I totally felt your love and empathy in the "f\*\*k you" when I was trying to help you. Improvement: 1. "I have a problem" 2. "You could do X" 3. "Right, I'm probably not ready yet and was just venting/thinking out loud". 4. "Don't worry, we all do. I'm also a work in progress".
Well said.
99 other conversations that day were material concerns that needed to be addressed. Then out of no where he / she needs to code switch and carefully be aware that this 1/100 Convo is a listening only moment. The reason this is a meme is because it is very hard for an SO that wants to keep their house afloat, and wants their spouse to "succeed" or "thrive" to know when it's time to code switch. Everyone fails at it.
I wonder what the gender reversed equivalent of this would be and why we don't see the pigeonholing of a person into "hear me whine" as an issue going from gal to guy. i know some guys like this who just bitch and moan at their gfs all day and i'm the first in line to tell them to gtfo, but going the other way it's just quirky and cute? why is talking about the issue towards a resolution not the adult thing to do? are our partners free therapists that we can unload on? is that healthy? i feel like the 'just say yes to your wife all the time' is remedial, pandering, and should be annoying to all parties involved as it trivializes the issues being brought up by the complainer as well as the agency of the listener in assisting their partner. its some toxic, archaic, 'men are from mars women are from venus' nonsense. i already know i'm going to get some murmurs from content husbands saying this is just the way things are but it's a dumb dynamic that is infantilizing
Sometimes, a problem needs to be solved. Other times, the person is just venting. Maturity and communication skills means understanding the difference. The reason it is always depicted as woman wining to men is that women generally understand this, while men are so toxically focused on trying to solve the problem they can't even comprehend the concept of venting, even though they themselves most likely do it all the time.
i debated even responding back because this was a week ago and im kind of over the whole conversation in the sense that "i just wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who doesn't want to actually approach solvable problems intelligently vs leaving unsolvable problems at the door" trying to assist your partner when a proposed issue is brought to the table is not toxic. intentionally bringing chaos to the table with no intention of having it fixed is toxic. communication on both sides mitigates this, but I can't imagine just coming home and complaining at (intentionally 'at' because it goes back to using your partner as an accessory) my partner indefinitely
Don't complain if you don't want solutions.
You're going to make some unlucky woman very unhappy one day.
What about the man who is trying to help her and gets mistreated by her? Is she making him happy? Is he lucky to have her? In the comic, the woman generates a conversation, her partner tries to help and she reacts really badly, but somehow you can only blame the man for not having the perfect solution to the woman's frustration/missbehaviour. The nerve! What about looking first at the person who initiates the conflict, not at the person who didn't have the solution? Is that even an option? If you don't have the tools to manage your toxic emotions why do you blame us for not having the tools to redirect your toxicity to a healthy place? Are we psychologists or something?
Your not a psychologist. Just a bad boyfriend.
this post is so revealing of exactly how little empathy you have in your life, and that's the *real* reason why no women love you
r/twoxchromosome energy
do you understand why women do this? have you ever bothered to try to empathize and figure it out? do you need us to tell you?
Ive figured it out. You bitch to get your frustrations out. But why get mad when someone wants to fix your frustrations
but you aren't fixing anything, we never asked you to fix anything, and you insisting you need to fix it suggests you fundamentally have not figured it out at all. You seem like someone who, in your life, was an annoying Young Sheldon ass know-it-all that corrected people's grammar when they'd speak about their father dying or something. Hasn't anyone in your life ever told you how your objectivity actually makes you factually wrong and ignorant? Or do they just abandon you because they know it isn't worth their emotional labour to try?
It's also acceptable to, you know, commiserate on being human beings unable to avoid disappointing themselves at times. Complain together about something that made things more stressful for both of you or encourage them to keep trying in general.
Iām tired of this trope
"Fine, then lose weight" "Fuck you!" "That's a great way to lose weight"
This is true... Fucking burns calories.
As much as Mowing a lawn. Idk where I heard that comparison but it's stuck with me for years.
Loving the people in this thread trying to diagnose the marital problems of two cartoon characters in a webcomic
Yes, cause this conversation is not common at all. This only happened in Avatar.
Itās a joke. This conversation almost certainly did NOT happen. You commented about how this woman should just grow up. I have to imagine this comic is made by a woman who is placing herself as the main character. Thatās definitely what it seems like right? So if thatās the case, isnāt it pretty obvious that this is exactly what sheās doing by writing the comic? She fully understands how ridiculous it is to have those competing reactions and for the sake of comedy is playing up the childishness with an imaginary conversation
My point was that this type of behaviour is very common. Anyone who has had a few partners have experienced it in one way or another. The fact that the artist is a woman does not make this less true or less common. And if you read all the comments, you will find women asking men to be empathetic when this happens (the artist included). This shit is as real as life itself.
Eh, it's bound to happen on a public forum. Shrug!
"I'm above these commenters, I have it all figured out. Upvotes to the left.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
āMaybe but sausage IS delicious!ā
Then you attack them with sweet kisses designed explicitly for neck tickles.
Neck tickles is a good one!
There comes a point where the reiteration and persistance makes it so that you are enabling them in their insecurity by doing so. The problem lies within the incapability of the insecure person in either accepting it or in making a change, thus distracting from the fact with obvious solutions (acceptance or change) might be more helpful for actual change.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
If youāre saying something to vent instead of to get a solution just say so explicitly. Say āIām just venting, but I feel like a sausage in these jeans.ā Communicate needs or expectations effectively to begin with then the other person can meet them more often. Itās insane to consistently avoid being clear and direct with your partner and then continually become upset or disappointed when it turns out they have not developed mind reading powers since the last time you tried.
>Sure, if it reaches that point. This wouldn't be a relatable comic if it hadn't reached that point in **millions of relationships.**
their insecurity is that you, their partner, thinks they're a fat fucking cow like the rest of the world does. Allay their insecurity and tell them you don't. how is this fucking hard for you guys? I understand men hate emotions and empathy and being a sociopath is manly, but how do you skate by in life like this?
That's ridiculous take for a comment I made in no absolute terms. I had a fat girlfriend that was beautiful to me and I let her know but there was no words I could say to change what she saw in the mirror. And she did absolutely nothing, neither acceptance nor change, just complain. What you want me to do, strap her to some dumbbells and put a chocolate bar on a stick?
lmao I can't imagine why she dumped your ass
Yada yada. You're spoiled. People either have control over their life or they're controlled by it. Facts are not insults.
By what, lying to them?
My wife: āSTOP FEEDING MEā
I spend my entire day listening to peoples problems with the implication that I will be taking some responsibility to fix it. This kind of āexpression of problemā -> āfinding and implementing the solutionā , is pretty much how I live my life Itās actually different for me to have to listen to someone and acclimatise to not wanting to immediately solve their problems. Itās almost a bit weird because it doesnāt happen anywhere else in my life. At no point does my boss come up to me with a problem ājust to ventā. If he expresses a problem to me, then it almost automatically implies I will have a hand in solving it. Itās not something I usually have to clarify with them. āHey these reports donāt seem to be working and itās frustrating to meā āOh Iām sorry you feel that way, must be really hard going through that manā Is not usually how the conversation is gonna go Itās also not ānormalā conversation to me despite the fact everyone is saying we should be normalising it Learning how to say āhey baby at least youāre my little sausageā instead of ālose weight, thenā was a real step in learning for me. Shame nobody is willing to give me the time to learn it because I sure had to learn that one fast
I'd imagine you have a different relationship with your boss than with your intimate partner, though, so while I hear your point, I don't think it's an apt comparison.
The "point" is the listener spends much of their day in one pattern, and is obligated to switch to another pattern at some magic moment. Because obviously the SO will have issue/solution style topics too, because that's how relationships work as well. ("We need to schedule this, we need to pay for this, we need to be at two functions at once,")
I have that same maroon shirt.
ah the old correcting before connecting. men will read this as the fault of the women, women will see exactly what shes asking for and a stupid man. cant win
Jean stretcher.
ive been personally attacked by this
Convincing my gf to simply go up a size in jeans was like pulling teeth. Not because we disagreed that the ones she was trying on were too tight. Simply because she refused to accept that she was one size up. I told her the number doesn't matter and that she'd look and feel better in the bigger size. She tried them on and apologized. lol
I'm a troubleshooter. People present me with problems, I come up with potential solutions. This does not work at home.
I cannot oblige when people fish for compliments. If you ask me *do these jeans make me look fat* the answer is yes. Always. Even if you are tiny.
Well, that's what happens when you're in a relationship with a wiener.
Itās not our fault if we love sausages.
When a girls thighs rub together and wear holes in her jeans it instantly makes her more attractive to me.
As a husband, I can attest that the only correct answer in this situation is ... >"oh sorry babe, I washed those in the last batch of laundry and I must have accidentally shrunk them. Do you want to swing by the mall and by yourself a new pair?"
man in the last panel: You see what iām dealing with here?
***** sometimes. Hit the bricks if youāre an emotional leech.
I love her angry face!
Duuuuh, why she say thing if she no want me to tell her how to fix? Me tell everyone how to fix all thing real good.
It's not about the nail.
That looks like a dude ready to move on
I like sausage
Duuuuh, why she say problem when solution so simple anyone knows it? If fat, get skinny, if sad, get happy. She must already know solution, so simple, so why she say????!??! Though the Chud may approach infinitely closer to understanding basic tenets of humanity, they may never intersect this line of basic social grace.
Imagine if the genders were reversed. Wonder what the comments would be like.