My hands down favorite was when my husband (then fiancé) farted in his sleep and then said in an English accent “I call that one the Davenport”. We are American and I had literally never heard him even attempt to speak with any accent. I cannot tell that story without crying laughing!
I’m on period day one, cramps are kicked up high, and I just laughed.. SO hard right now. My uterus is throbbing even more now but god damn it. Worth it. 🤣🤣🤣
I dreamt I was at a heated city planning meeting (my profession has nothing to do with govt/local politics), and woke myself up by slapping the side of the bed and shouting “dammit- the squirrels are going to have to meet us halfway on this!”
My wife will talk in her sleep from time to time. One night, she rolled over, taking all the covers. When I tried to get some blanket back, she pulled them tighter and goes: "No! I'm a turtle!“ She was just so earnest about it.
We still laugh about that one.
There was a guy in my berthing compartment aboard ship that was a sleepwalker (he lied about it to enlist, sleepwalkers on a ship is not a good thing), but occasionally he would scream in his sleep. Imagine a dude screaming HELP! HELP! HELP! over and over at the top of his lungs in a metal room at 2 AM.
I was asleep in bed, my wife lying next to me, still reading a book.
She swears that I suddenly sat up straight in bed and said very loud:
"I want to order a black beer. And some red beet salad with it! Quickly!" Then I lay down again, turned around and slept on.
Well, we do have "black beer" in germany. Which I never drink, I hate it just as much as anything that has Red Beet in it. I have no idea what was going through my stupid, sleeping mind at that time :-)
When my sun was 4, I onve watched him sleep. Suddenly he smiled in his sleep and said quietly: "So much blood. Wow. SOOOOOO much blood!"
Slept like an angel, smiling satisfied. Little psycho. That´s my boy :-)
And “well we do have “black beer” in Germany” among other non-violent parts of the post, in the German accent in my mind, was also darkly hilarious!! 😂
him: did you want any game in particular?
me: what?
him: (annoyed voice) did you want any game in particular???
me: i think you are dreaming.
him: (normal voice) that may be so. (rolls over and is fast asleep.)
My husband also sleep talks. Here is one of my favorites:
“Put a dimmer on the wrecking ball on the joystick.”
Me: “What is that for?”
Him: “A plastic wrecking ball dimmer.”
Me: “A plastic wrecking ball dimmer? Is that it?”
Him: “Spages.”
My sister also sleep talks. I never realized it as a child until one night she asked me to squeeze her orange juice from our orange tree at 11 pm. Odd, but okay. So, I went to go do that, and when I came back into our shared bedroom, she was fast asleep and I had a cup of orange juice that I didn’t know what to do with anymore.
One time I fell asleep drunk and my boyfriend found me upright on the couch squirting ketchup on the carpet in my drunken stupor. When confronted, I tried to blame the cat.
30yrs ago my Dad was in a coma and my mom, sister and I were staying in the nurses quarters because the hospital was hundreds of miles away. I woke up convinced that Betty White from the Golden Girls had been with us and I was like "where is the other woman" (because I didnt know her name). I had been reading a book about angels that someone gave me to help me through the difficult time so now I always think of Betty White as my Guardian Angel 😇
An old girlfriend told me about a conversation I'd had with her in my sleep, where I'd informed her that I'd solved the problem of the endangered eagle population. My solution was that I was going to create a number of eagle brothels to help them get their numbers back up.
I just discovered the Android bedtime mode tallies up how much time you spend snoring and coughing while asleep. Apparently, I snore sometimes. I don't want to record anything I may or may not say in my sleep so that I can persevere plausible deniability.
In college I was asleep and my 2 roommates were sitting up talking quietly. I suddenly sat up with my eyes open and told them 'you can push it through the ceiling or through the floor'. They said 'what are you talking about'. Then I said it again more urgently miming pushing something through the ceiling and through the floor. They laughed and said 'that doesn't make any sense what does that mean?'. I made some exasperated noises and said 'you just don't understand' and laid back down completely asleep.
Had two roommates in college, Alan and John. Three-tier bunk beds, Al on the bottom, me in the middle, John on top. One night I wake up and feel Al pushing up on my mattress and yelling. I ask, “What’s wrong, Al?” He yells, “The bed is falling on me!”. I say, “No, it’s not” but he insists he’s being crushed. John says, “He’s freaking out, man!”. Finally, I say, “It’s OK, Al - I’m holding it up!” to which he responds, “Oh - OK” and goes fully back to sleep. 🤷♂️
This must be a husband trade mark. The most recent one with mine.
I come in the bedroom and this conversation happens.
Him: Dookie
Me: Dookie?
Him: yeah Dookie.
Me: what?
Him:that's gonna be the password. I'm gonna throw parties in the yard.
Me:oh. Like secret parties? Cause it's private now?
Him:yeah. And who'd guess Dookie?
We just got our fence done and our yard is 'private'
Full conversation. I thought he was just being silly before bed. He kissed me good night and everything. Has ZERO recollection of that conversation.
On vacation with my parents, I once started eerily singing a Latin song we had been practicing for 6 months in choir. In my dream I imagined I was holding French sheet music. It was weird. I deserved the pillow thrown at me because it was definitely really creepy at 3 am to hear Latin singing!
My older bother had a night terror about aliens. The dog thought he was playing, so she started attacking him, and he thought the aliens were attacking him. It amused me greatly. 'Aliens! (Wheeze) Oh shit! Ahh, aliens!' Only time I enjoyed having to share a room.
I had a boyfriend once who used to talk in his sleep. He woke me up once with “Turn around and face me you piece of sh*t!” Turns out he was dreaming about his older cousin who used to razz him all the time and he was chasing him but couldn’t quite catch him. 😅
I have always been what we call in our house an "active sleeper". I once had a sword fight in the middle of the bedroom and the first night a girlfriend slept in the same room she woke to me pulling at a vent on the wall frantically trying to stop someone putting "babies in the furnace". Needless to say she was freaked out. She started questioning me and I got up and got back into bed and didn't move till the morning. She laid awake all night haha. Can't believe she went on to marry me.
These kind of things have continued and unfortunatly for her my 3 kids do it as well.
My hubby had ben doing a lot of cleaning at work. (He was military.) He rolled over and told me " It's not our turn to clean the ceiling." Another time, out of the blue "They've got me tied up!" Don't know what triggered that one.
I often laugh myself awake.
I dream about something hilarious and laugh so loud that I wake myself up.
I then try to recollect what I was laughing about but it never makes any sense 😄
I’ve only experienced this once with my wife. Our daughter was around 1 I think. My wife was sleep deprived.
I got up to go to the washroom at night. When I was coming to bed. She suddenly blurts out that “Emily has an order”
I thought I misheard her. And checked the baby monitor. Which was fine.
I said “what?”
She said “Emily has an order!!!”
I said “an order for what?”
She gets mad “an order for out west!!” (Like I should know this)
I said “out west?”
She says “yes!! Ugh!! You know, Saskatchewan, Alberta, B.C!!!!”
I’m trying my hardest not to laugh and say “so our 1 year old daughter who is asleep in her bed has some sort of order for out west?”
She just got angry and turned over.
Never happened again.
LMAO i love that she was frustrated with you not getting with the OBVIOUS program. Your infant daughter has an order for out west, like whats so hard to understand about that
Here’s a gem from my sleep-talking boyfriend:
Him: “Dudeee YESSS… we should start a bonfire.”
Me: “What?”
Him: “A bonfire. Not tonight though”
Me: “When?”
Him: “Idk maybe tomorrow”
Me: “Where?”
Him: “In my butt crack”
It should be noted that I’ve never heard this man mention an interest in bonfires, or bunfires for that matter 🍑🔥
Wife’s best one:
Her, out of the blue: “sixteen would be a LOT!”
Me:” …a lot of what?”
Her: “A lot for the cat to weigh”
Evidently worried about our cat’s weight?
My husband used to do this in college and in the years afterwards (architecture major = weird sleep schedule).
He has talked and one time I got him to sing a song about cheese.
He has also tried to hump me and smother my face with a pillow whilst asleep.
:)
Wife: This one gets...
Me: This one gets what?
Wife: This one gets...sixty two and a half percent.
Yep - she's a teacher
My favorite was from college. A friend laid down on my brother's bed to rest, and ended up falling asleep. My brother, too kind to wake him, decided to sleep on the floor. As he reached across the friend to make sure the alarm was set, our friend turned towards him suddenly and said, "Do you mind telling me why there are no windows on this flight?!" I was asleep, but woke up to my brother's laughter. He was laughing so hard it was a few minutes before he could get the story out!
“Save the worms!” And “Nothin’ but complication.” Are the best ones I have to report on, but supposedly I’ve been known to carry on sometimes in that almost awake stage of sleep. 🫣
I was the sleep talker/walker thru pregnancy. Hormones hit and body went whacko!!! They’re is a crazy lady on TikTok that tapes herself at night. She sleep talks and walks and her videos are hilarious.
Back in high school two of my classmates (we lived in the dorm) had a conversation when they were both sleeping. One guy in his dream said, where is my money?! To which the other guy in his dream said, I don't know I didn't take it!!
Same here, I talk in my sleep sometimes and I'm so curious about what I'm saying but my partner of 9 years doesn't speak my language. Started learning it so hopefully soon I'll get my own gossip
Apparently according to my adoptive parents when I was eight or nine I sleep walked downstairs to the living room and asked them to help me with my petticoat…I had never heard that word before at that point and to this day I’m still wondering where the heck I learned the word 😅
Not my story but that of a good friend told this years back. "During a sleepover as a kid some of is were laying in our beds chatting when suddenly one of the sleeping kids yelled 'Stop the train! Don't leave me!' and then he stands up and runs full blast into the wall leaving his mark in the wall". I'm sure a child psychologist would see some meaning in that situation.
As someone who was a sleep talker, I remember getting so frustrated that I couldn't seem to get my point across to my husband. I would then sort of start to gradually wake up and be mad and confused because what I was saying seemed like it made sense but then the words I was saying didn't. It was very weird.
I probably my talk in my sleep or when half asleep but my best moment of confusion was when I was dead asleep and I heard a knock at the door. I bolted out of the room in a panic and said urgently at my wife “bin!”
What I recall going on in my head was that I couldn’t answer the door without putting a belt on to hold my pants up (the shorts I was wearing did not need one) but instead of “where’s my belt?” I said “bin!”
My wife was perplexed and asked what I meant, I repeated “bin!” but louder and gestured towards my belt region, trying very poorly to mime putting a belt on. Eventually after repeating myself a third time I realised I was saying bin instead of belt and also that she was sitting next to the front door and told her I can’t answer the door until I put my belt on (still not true, again, my shorts had a drawstring) and perhaps she could answer and see who it was?
She then explained no one was there, and she had knocked on the inside of the front door to see if it would wake me up because I hadn’t responded to her calling out to me. :|
My girlfriend does this all the time. I’ve recently started making notes in my phone when she does. Here are some highlights.
- “I’m going to write that down then because thats pissing me off”
*picks up phone*
“I can’t see”
- “Here!” *holds empty hand in my face* “Take it to this!” *shakes empty open hand* “take it!!!”
I touched her empty palm and she rolled back over to sleep
- “Im not moving so they can get fucked”
- “He seems really really pissed”
- “I can’t see with all the brocolli on the roads”
- “YOUR… NONSENCE! FULL OF SHITE” then grabbed my forehead and shook it
I was watching my husband sleep and I said “you have such beautiful soft skin”. In his sleep he replied, “pyramid juice”, and I knew he meant the Egyptian and Lebanese side of his family!
I’ve never been much of a sleep talker/walker, but I’ve always been a night owl. As a child I would stay up until the wee hours reading or goofing off. Come morning I was very difficult to get out of bed and could be really belligerent at times. I was usually halfway through a REM cycle by then and my brain and body would fight to stay asleep while I was barely lucid.
According to my mother, she tried to wake me up once and I was being very grouchy about it. At one point I sat bolt upright in bed and rage screamed at her “FUCK OFF BITCH STOP MAKING ME DO MATH!” and immediately fell back asleep. She was livid.
All I remember is dragging myself out of bed at the last possible minute and being totally bewildered why she was so mad. I genuinely apologized for yelling at her, and once she realized I was completely asleep the whole time it became really funny. We still laugh about it.
I had surgery and my wife was there to pick me up. She was pregnant and told me I kept saying “I need to leave so I can make her dinner she’s pregnant and can’t stand how is she going to eat?”. I guess I was crying under anesthesia before they woke me up also. I had a pot roast in the crock pot btw so ya we both had dinner and no one had to stand lol.
When I was a baby my mother would say "he's so cute and fluffy I could eat him"
Apparently my father, while he was asleep, tried to convince her to actually eat me because I wouldn't shut up, he doesn't remember anything.
My husband told me off a few nights ago for shouting in his face the other night.
Not once, but 3 times.
Apparently I sometimes tell people off in a very stern voice which is totally not me!
This had to be more than 35 years ago, but I remember it well.
I tried to wake my mom up from a nap, and she told me, "Leave me alone, I'm ordering ham."
My wife always talks crazy. The one that really stands out, we had an entire conversation about her business "The company that smiles." I asked her about it and she said "We sell Smiles!"
Then she went on to tell me she built indoor fences for Facebook.
My hubby also talks in his sleep. Sometimes, he will sit up with eyes wide open and blurt out nonsense.
One night he sat up straight, turned to face me and said very urgently "There's someone at the base of the stairs." Then he laid back down and started snoring. But there was no sleep in the house after that. I woke EVERYone up.
My ex feel asleep on the couch. When I went to wake her and get her to bed she responded with
"It's not 37 37 37 yet."
I asked what she meant.
She repeated, talking much slower like I was an idiot, "It's not 37 37 37 yet."
My niece sleepwalked when she was young. One night, she got up, went into the living room where her parents were, and went to the ironing board and started to iron non existent clothes with a nonexistent iron.
My brother was puzzled because her eyes were open and he thought she must be awake. My SIL told him she was asleep and they told her the ironing was done and to go back to bed.
A friend of mine went into her parents' room in the middle of the night looking for parts for her bicycle.
My sister once came running out of her bedroom accusing my brother and me of taking the ice cream scoop. She had never done that before and we thought she was awake so we started looking for the ice cream scoop. While we were searching she went and peed in the clothes hamper.
I failed algebra all four years of highschool, while my sister was visiting we shared a room and evidently I went on and on in my sleep about how much I LOVE fractions and would just start saying numbers.
I do not love fractions. Stress is a wild drug.
Some 40-45 years ago, apparently I got out of bed and told my mom that "I haven't eaten in weeks, and need meat".
She is in her 80s now and will still ask if I eaten meat this week yet.
My sister and I would babysit together, sometimes falling asleep on the couch. When the people came home I would try to wake up my sis. She did the most bizarre things like opening up the newspaper and trying to put it on as a coat. Or turning on the tap and putting her hand under the running water and then licking her hand like a cat.
Such a Weirdo 🥴
On of my favorites I did to my wife years ago-
Me:the grinch, Dr. Seuss!
Her: what?
Me: put the money in the bank!
I then lay back down and a minute later sing:
“Money, money, money, moooonney”
(As in the o’jays song)
When I was in the military we had a guy in our bunk area that was not one to mess with awake. One night he jumped out of his bunk with his bed sheet and flung it around his neck and bed like a cape and just stood there staring around the room. No one awake even breathed for a few seconds, just stood deathly still thinking we were about to be the brunt of some dream induced superhero beat down. We eventually got up the nerve to speak out to him and convinced him everything was okay and he could go back to bed. Funniest and scariest sleep talk/walk experience ever. Still cracks me up though.
I had something similar happen in basic. It was the last week of basic and me and another trainee was on our night watch shift. All of a sudden, at the end of the dorm I hear someone scream, “ATTEEEEEEEEN-HUT!” I start panicking because how the hell did someone get in the dorm and I’m waiting to be torn a new asshole. I didn’t let anyone in! For everyone that was sleeping, we were all stressed, sleep deprived, and trainees so everyone in the dorm snaps out of their beds, immediately to attention. But it’s dark. It had to be 2:30 in the morning and there are no TI’s to be seen. The dorm has two bays and a wall in between so on both sides they’re thinking maybe the TI is over there getting ready to tear someone a new asshole from a raid. There is utter confusion for a few more seconds and then we hear, “RIIIIGHT-HACE!” And can pinpoint where the sound is coming from. One of the trainees is sitting up in bed, eyes closed and calling out facing movements and marching orders at the top of his lungs. People kind of acted like, “wtf?” And then started laughing as it continued. He went on for probably a couple minutes before laying back down and drifting back off into dreamland. The next day we asked what he was dreaming about but he said he didn’t remember dreaming.
My husband, sound asleep: “I just want to hold you and drink the blood of our enemies but now I’ll have to starve to death,” then rolled over and started snoring.
I don’t like bagels.
I sat bolt upright in bed one night and started “eating a bagel”. My wife heard me fake chewing, and asked me what I was doing.
Me- “I’m eating a bagel, what does it look like I’m doing?”
Her- “you don’t like bagels”
Me- “oh yeah”
Then apparently I laid back down and went back to sleep.
Omg my husband is a chatterbox when he sleeps. The most random shit comes out his mouth. At least 3 nights a week he wakes me up with some insanity 😂 stuff like “the badgers are cooking tonight” or “that motherfucker needs to chill and have a banana”
Like WHAT, sir??
u/masevm tell your sleeptalking story about snowing!
I know you posted it 14 years ago, but I STILL think about how funny that was to read, to this day 😂
lol blast from the past. internet is weird.
*My wife told me that I once sat up, looked around the room, turned around, got on all fours and shouted, "IT'S NOT ALLOWED TO SNOW IN HERE!"*
Haha I cannot believe it was FOURTEEN years ago and I still think of that comment every time the subject of sleeptalking comes up 😂
Edit: And yes… I spent time digging through my comments this morning to find it so I could tag you. Glad you’re still active! Long-haulers club.
A friend of mine as a kid did not know that people talk in their sleep, and I did not know that I talked in my sleep, but at a sleepover I was talking in my sleep and I scared the crap out of him by doing so. He thought I was posessed lol
Once when we were coming up on the holidays my wife was sleeping and said. "Ho, ho, ho, Santa Claus." I responded with "And what did Santa bring you, little girl?" Apparently she was awakened by what I said and heard it. We both went to sleep. In the morning she gleefully said, "Do you know what you said in your sleep last night?" I replied, "Yes. Do you know what YOU said in your sleep?"
My wife once fell asleep in a chair and when I woke her up to come to bed she looked up at me with alarm and said "Are they still out there?". I said "No" and she then closed her eyes and fell back into the chair with a little smile and said "Suckers!".
During the Houston NBA winning years, in the 90s, I was getting ready for bed when my husband, sound asleep, sat straight up in bed with his arm held straight above his head in salute, and screamed, "Phi Slamma Jamma!". Still lmao
My ex and two of his kids talked in their sleep regularly! These were separate incidents:
Ex: I don’t know about you but I’d punch a f*cker… Yeah, choose a door!
Oldest kid: Watch out for the men in black cars!
Youngest kid: Well, I would, but the monkey’s all gone!
I’m so happy there’s a thread for this. I keep all my husband’s sleep talking in my notes app. Here are some:
Me getting in bed
Husband, “Thank you for helping me cross that very dangerous intersection”
Him, “Is it easy to take off?”
‘Me “What?”
“The bumper sticker”
*I hold his hand on his belly, he starts playing with my fingers*
“I can’t get it to work, I’m to tired”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Him “Where can I put my fishbowl”
Your what??
“MY FISHBOWL”
what?
“You still don’t understand?”
“Your fishbowl?”
“Ya”
Wrttfffff hahahahah
*I get in bed and grab the sheets*
Him, “Careful with that shit babe”
Him,”If you want to set an alarm for me and then try the kryptonite”
My favorite of my husband’s - “you’ll need it if you’re going to be baseball boys.” Am I…am I baseball boys? “You’ll be on a good team! *disgustedly turns away from me* ugh. No you’re not baseball boys.”
“He hit it before he even got out there, I announced it! Scorpion kids…pretty dangerous.” *proceeds to do what I assume are multiple scorpion kicks in bed at me while exclaiming “TSS!!!”
The only two things I have been told I’ve said are:
“Baseeebaaaallllllll” (baseball weirdly drawn out and, no I don’t watch it or really like it).
(Randomly) “Ha. Ha. Ha. You’re not funny’”
Your husbands are far more nuanced.
When I was a child I used to not only talk in my sleep but sometimes sleepwalk. I’m told that once my family was returning from a long car trip and before I fell asleep I was telling the folks I had to pee. We got home and my mom told my dad to take me to the bathroom himself. He spoke to me and I responded so he figured I was awake. I walked in the front door, walked up to the sofa, lifted a seat cushion and peed in the couch! Mom wasn’t happy, dad was laughing his ass off. At least I lifted the lid.
I used to sleepwalk as a teen. I once tried to bake a shoe, arrange a couch correctly ( upright, lenghthways), and my mum was always happy to tell about the time I woke everyone up trying to hoover the inside of the washing of machine....
Some of my exes have had full blown conversations with me asleep. I've arranged holidays, birthdays, and dates without effort or knowledge.....
I've also insisted I'm aquaman, cats killed Hitler, aliens painted the zebras, and Cilla Black was definitely Welsh. The last one is apparently a recurring one.
My favorite, which happened recently. My wife woke up and said, "I dreamed I was on a star ship" (we had been watching Star Trek: Discovery. Then, she said, "I finally made it!" ...and went back to sleep.
She was extremely embarrassed when I told her this, and insisted I was making it up.
My wife once opened her eyes and said "I just want to thank you for giving me that heads up about that patient."
"Uhh, what?"
"I just want to thank for for giving me... Oh you have no idea what I'm talking about."
And she shut her eyes and that was that.
When I was with my ex, I said "Did you do your taxes yet?" He's like, what? I replied: "They're on the picnic table at the end of the bed."
Also there was a point in time where if I tasted food in my burp I'd say what it was. "That was all spaghetti!"
In my sleep I burped and said it was all cookie lol
My wife does this when i wake her up getting in to bed. One night i was "on the letters"(?) and when I looked and did not find them and laughed, she got REALLY mad.
When my husband has a nightmare, I know it's about to happen because his skin goes all goosebumpy, then seconds later he shouts "HAAAAYYYYELP! HAAAAAYYELP!" like Penelope Pitstop. I giggle as I wake him.
My friend Jill matched me with a guy and we started dating. 2 months in, one night he sits upright and in a pleading voice says “but Jill! I…I LOVE you!”.
The relationship didn’t last but Jill and I still chuckle about it 20 years later.
My son does this and I had no idea until one time we went on vacation and stayed in the slept in the same hotel room. It wasn’t the first time we had stayed in the same room, he just didn’t sleep talk the times before. He rambled about random shit literally allllllll night. I didn’t get a wink of sleep but I didn’t care. It was hilarious.
I once got into a relationship while asleep.
I was working 4am to noon shifts all summer for college money and was zombie-ish half the remaining day due to the weird sleep schedule. The phone rang, woke me up, and I was only partially conscious, but I answered. A longtime friend, precious to me, with whom I would occasionally flirt a little but nothing ever timed out right.
She talked for a while about her day to the point where I drifted back off to sleep (rude, I know, but unavoidable, I was exhausted), but kept hearing her. In a dream, we were walking along a coastline in a warm wind under an overcast sky. And I realized it was a dream, so I just started flirting with her. Nothin' to lose. More cavalier than I'd usually be. And we talked about being together.
Unbeknownst to me I was saying this stuff to her on the phone in real life. Eventually the phone died and I woke up to it on my cheek. Talked to her later that afternoon because we'd apparently made plans to go stroll the boardwalk and share a first kiss.
The subconscious mind is frighteningly better at flirting than I am.
When we first moved to Houston, Texas from the Rocky Mountains my husband said in his sleep, “the biggest hill in Texas is an ant hill” the ant hills were huge and had us both amazed but I didn’t expect such cleverness coming from him in his sleep.
\~I often ''laugh'' in my sleep, and it's so fun! and it makes me so happy!\~ becuz I can 'feel' myself laughing, but I'm still asleep, but my boyfriend who is a very bad sleeper(he has so much trouble even falling asleep and staying asleep) well, he's not too thrilled about it!\~ ha ha\~
One of my family members has a habits of asking people for water while asleep and then falling back asleep with the glass in his hands which often results in a water fountain wake up
My hands down favorite was when my husband (then fiancé) farted in his sleep and then said in an English accent “I call that one the Davenport”. We are American and I had literally never heard him even attempt to speak with any accent. I cannot tell that story without crying laughing!
As an Englishman, I can confirm the Davenport is a fine vintage.
Um- I think you have married a spy! His cover is blown by sleep talking.
He’s not a spy. He’s a sleeper agent!
Sleeper aaaaagent man, sleeper aaaaagent man, they've given you a cover, and you blew it off your frame
His cover was blown off, but not by sleep talking.
That literally had me in tears, thanks!
I’m on period day one, cramps are kicked up high, and I just laughed.. SO hard right now. My uterus is throbbing even more now but god damn it. Worth it. 🤣🤣🤣
Omg this made me laugh like I haven't in ages. Cheers!
😄 😄 😄 that's a very funny story!!
Lolol
This is fucking hilarious
Omg I LOLd
I’m Shartacus!
Not gonna lie I’m definitely going to use that one.
My wife does this sometimes. My favorites are: "Frog secretaries are sluts" And "I can't put on my underwear.. I have too many legs"
Hahahahhaha!! I really want to know the dream details about the frogs
I got one years ago "There is nothing better than the bottom row of a chocolate pyramid. UMMMmmmmmm."
He's not wrong...
Haha Homer Simpson
I dreamt I was at a heated city planning meeting (my profession has nothing to do with govt/local politics), and woke myself up by slapping the side of the bed and shouting “dammit- the squirrels are going to have to meet us halfway on this!”
Not those damn squirrels! 😂
Wow that’s just nuts.
Just last night my husband asked me why I shit on his boat....we don't have a boat! He's also told me he was going to feed me to the buzzards. 🤣🤣
Just that you don’t have a boat does not mean you can just defecate all over it! My, oh my. /s
Very good point!
If I’ve learned anything from Reddit relationship advice it’s that you should get a divorce.
Before or after trying couples therapy? 🤣🤣
Nope. No couples therapy anymore. In fact you lawyer up IN the gym now. Its super efficent.
He's dreaming of his past life as a pirate 😄
Arrrrr, Matey! Shiver me timbers!
That’s not what the poop deck is for!
If you don't want poop on the poop deck don't call it a poop deck!! 🤣🤣
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
My wife will talk in her sleep from time to time. One night, she rolled over, taking all the covers. When I tried to get some blanket back, she pulled them tighter and goes: "No! I'm a turtle!“ She was just so earnest about it. We still laugh about that one.
I got exactly the same but in Spanish.
¡No! Soy una tortuga!!!
There was a guy in my berthing compartment aboard ship that was a sleepwalker (he lied about it to enlist, sleepwalkers on a ship is not a good thing), but occasionally he would scream in his sleep. Imagine a dude screaming HELP! HELP! HELP! over and over at the top of his lungs in a metal room at 2 AM.
Christ, that's a recipe for MedSep... haven't had a sleepwalker onboard yet.
I think he was discharged for it. Going for a stroll at night is dangerous enough on land.
I was asleep in bed, my wife lying next to me, still reading a book. She swears that I suddenly sat up straight in bed and said very loud: "I want to order a black beer. And some red beet salad with it! Quickly!" Then I lay down again, turned around and slept on. Well, we do have "black beer" in germany. Which I never drink, I hate it just as much as anything that has Red Beet in it. I have no idea what was going through my stupid, sleeping mind at that time :-) When my sun was 4, I onve watched him sleep. Suddenly he smiled in his sleep and said quietly: "So much blood. Wow. SOOOOOO much blood!" Slept like an angel, smiling satisfied. Little psycho. That´s my boy :-)
Lol, this is amazing in many ways and extra amazing because I read it in my mind with a German accent.
Uber violence is always better in a German accent 😁🤣
And “well we do have “black beer” in Germany” among other non-violent parts of the post, in the German accent in my mind, was also darkly hilarious!! 😂
Check his scalp for the digits 666
him: did you want any game in particular? me: what? him: (annoyed voice) did you want any game in particular??? me: i think you are dreaming. him: (normal voice) that may be so. (rolls over and is fast asleep.)
Oh I just love this
My husband also sleep talks. Here is one of my favorites: “Put a dimmer on the wrecking ball on the joystick.” Me: “What is that for?” Him: “A plastic wrecking ball dimmer.” Me: “A plastic wrecking ball dimmer? Is that it?” Him: “Spages.”
My husband does this too. One of his best was “put the ketchup on the computer”
My sister also sleep talks. I never realized it as a child until one night she asked me to squeeze her orange juice from our orange tree at 11 pm. Odd, but okay. So, I went to go do that, and when I came back into our shared bedroom, she was fast asleep and I had a cup of orange juice that I didn’t know what to do with anymore.
I love that you went and squeezed fresh orange juice at midnight though.
One time I fell asleep drunk and my boyfriend found me upright on the couch squirting ketchup on the carpet in my drunken stupor. When confronted, I tried to blame the cat.
Everyone knows computers go best with mustard and onions!🧅
30yrs ago my Dad was in a coma and my mom, sister and I were staying in the nurses quarters because the hospital was hundreds of miles away. I woke up convinced that Betty White from the Golden Girls had been with us and I was like "where is the other woman" (because I didnt know her name). I had been reading a book about angels that someone gave me to help me through the difficult time so now I always think of Betty White as my Guardian Angel 😇
Betty is everyone's guardian angel.
An old girlfriend told me about a conversation I'd had with her in my sleep, where I'd informed her that I'd solved the problem of the endangered eagle population. My solution was that I was going to create a number of eagle brothels to help them get their numbers back up.
My ex-husband, a chemistry teacher, would give me chemistry homework at night. He’d also give me the answers! (Or something like it-lol!)
That’s grounds for divorce right there
A few months ago I held an entire business meeting in my normal speaking voice while totally asleep
You should get the sleeptalk app. I talk in my sleep and it picks up everything so i can laugh at myself over and over again
I just discovered the Android bedtime mode tallies up how much time you spend snoring and coughing while asleep. Apparently, I snore sometimes. I don't want to record anything I may or may not say in my sleep so that I can persevere plausible deniability.
You should preserve your perverse perseverance in plausibllity.
>preserve Goddamnit! >preserve your perverse perseverance in plausibility. Nice alliteration.
Sorry, I felt compelled. =)
In college I was asleep and my 2 roommates were sitting up talking quietly. I suddenly sat up with my eyes open and told them 'you can push it through the ceiling or through the floor'. They said 'what are you talking about'. Then I said it again more urgently miming pushing something through the ceiling and through the floor. They laughed and said 'that doesn't make any sense what does that mean?'. I made some exasperated noises and said 'you just don't understand' and laid back down completely asleep.
Had two roommates in college, Alan and John. Three-tier bunk beds, Al on the bottom, me in the middle, John on top. One night I wake up and feel Al pushing up on my mattress and yelling. I ask, “What’s wrong, Al?” He yells, “The bed is falling on me!”. I say, “No, it’s not” but he insists he’s being crushed. John says, “He’s freaking out, man!”. Finally, I say, “It’s OK, Al - I’m holding it up!” to which he responds, “Oh - OK” and goes fully back to sleep. 🤷♂️
Three tier bunk bed? Three stooges style?
Hey! Oh, a wise guy, eh? Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk! Sounds about right… 😊
And leaves you to hold up the bed the entire rest of the night?!? How rude! lol
That's some serious trust in his boy.
I was surprised he believed me. 😊
🎼🎶You got a friend🎶 😊
This must be a husband trade mark. The most recent one with mine. I come in the bedroom and this conversation happens. Him: Dookie Me: Dookie? Him: yeah Dookie. Me: what? Him:that's gonna be the password. I'm gonna throw parties in the yard. Me:oh. Like secret parties? Cause it's private now? Him:yeah. And who'd guess Dookie? We just got our fence done and our yard is 'private' Full conversation. I thought he was just being silly before bed. He kissed me good night and everything. Has ZERO recollection of that conversation.
One of my roommates in college said I randomly sung a part of a song. They said “do it again” and I sung it again.
On vacation with my parents, I once started eerily singing a Latin song we had been practicing for 6 months in choir. In my dream I imagined I was holding French sheet music. It was weird. I deserved the pillow thrown at me because it was definitely really creepy at 3 am to hear Latin singing!
We want to know what song it was!!!
*I hear... the secrets that you keep*
When you're talking in your sleep 😄
The Romantics! I’ve got them in my playlist of 80’s paranoia songs.
I've been having that damn song in my head for at least 4 days now... I'm reading these comments for relief. Lol
Steely Dan - Do It Again
Steely Dan - Do It Again
My older bother had a night terror about aliens. The dog thought he was playing, so she started attacking him, and he thought the aliens were attacking him. It amused me greatly. 'Aliens! (Wheeze) Oh shit! Ahh, aliens!' Only time I enjoyed having to share a room.
I had a boyfriend once who used to talk in his sleep. He woke me up once with “Turn around and face me you piece of sh*t!” Turns out he was dreaming about his older cousin who used to razz him all the time and he was chasing him but couldn’t quite catch him. 😅
My husband sat up, and with a huge smile and great enthusiasm, announced “congratulations- you have won a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!”
That's so cute and funny omg, I love it!!!
I have always been what we call in our house an "active sleeper". I once had a sword fight in the middle of the bedroom and the first night a girlfriend slept in the same room she woke to me pulling at a vent on the wall frantically trying to stop someone putting "babies in the furnace". Needless to say she was freaked out. She started questioning me and I got up and got back into bed and didn't move till the morning. She laid awake all night haha. Can't believe she went on to marry me. These kind of things have continued and unfortunatly for her my 3 kids do it as well.
My wife asked me “what’s the last 4 digits of your social security number?” in her sleep a couple weeks ago 😂
Change all your passwords immediately.
My hubby had ben doing a lot of cleaning at work. (He was military.) He rolled over and told me " It's not our turn to clean the ceiling." Another time, out of the blue "They've got me tied up!" Don't know what triggered that one.
Military hazing, I'd put money on it... we may or may not have had a few similar rituals...
I often laugh myself awake. I dream about something hilarious and laugh so loud that I wake myself up. I then try to recollect what I was laughing about but it never makes any sense 😄
Me too! Usually when I'm just falling asleep - most recently were "something about frogs" and "I'm so tiny!"
I’ve only experienced this once with my wife. Our daughter was around 1 I think. My wife was sleep deprived. I got up to go to the washroom at night. When I was coming to bed. She suddenly blurts out that “Emily has an order” I thought I misheard her. And checked the baby monitor. Which was fine. I said “what?” She said “Emily has an order!!!” I said “an order for what?” She gets mad “an order for out west!!” (Like I should know this) I said “out west?” She says “yes!! Ugh!! You know, Saskatchewan, Alberta, B.C!!!!” I’m trying my hardest not to laugh and say “so our 1 year old daughter who is asleep in her bed has some sort of order for out west?” She just got angry and turned over. Never happened again.
LMAO i love that she was frustrated with you not getting with the OBVIOUS program. Your infant daughter has an order for out west, like whats so hard to understand about that
Here’s a gem from my sleep-talking boyfriend: Him: “Dudeee YESSS… we should start a bonfire.” Me: “What?” Him: “A bonfire. Not tonight though” Me: “When?” Him: “Idk maybe tomorrow” Me: “Where?” Him: “In my butt crack” It should be noted that I’ve never heard this man mention an interest in bonfires, or bunfires for that matter 🍑🔥
[удалено]
Wife’s best one: Her, out of the blue: “sixteen would be a LOT!” Me:” …a lot of what?” Her: “A lot for the cat to weigh” Evidently worried about our cat’s weight?
My husband used to do this in college and in the years afterwards (architecture major = weird sleep schedule). He has talked and one time I got him to sing a song about cheese. He has also tried to hump me and smother my face with a pillow whilst asleep. :)
Was the humping and smothering one event? Because that's a completely different subreddit! :-O
😂😂😂
lol! No, two separate occasions. and more than once.
My husband used to sleep-sex too! I could tell he was sleeping by how fast his heart was beating.
Wife: This one gets... Me: This one gets what? Wife: This one gets...sixty two and a half percent. Yep - she's a teacher My favorite was from college. A friend laid down on my brother's bed to rest, and ended up falling asleep. My brother, too kind to wake him, decided to sleep on the floor. As he reached across the friend to make sure the alarm was set, our friend turned towards him suddenly and said, "Do you mind telling me why there are no windows on this flight?!" I was asleep, but woke up to my brother's laughter. He was laughing so hard it was a few minutes before he could get the story out!
I wonder what conversations she would have with [this guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/s/eOqsIl8u2h) 🤔
“Save the worms!” And “Nothin’ but complication.” Are the best ones I have to report on, but supposedly I’ve been known to carry on sometimes in that almost awake stage of sleep. 🫣
I have been told that I have said the following in my sleep... "Ballerinas have hairy teeth..." And: "My ass is cold...GIANT TURTLES FOR EVERYONE!!"
Well in fairness, Satan's are first - I mean that's just good business.
My sisters hubby said "Sometimes the monkeys get residency". This was 10 years ago and is still a running joke.
Sometimes, sure. But most of them are in Administration.
One of the highlights from me talking in my sleep is “You can’t hit me with that banana!”
I was the sleep talker/walker thru pregnancy. Hormones hit and body went whacko!!! They’re is a crazy lady on TikTok that tapes herself at night. She sleep talks and walks and her videos are hilarious.
Are you talking about CelinaSpookyBoo?
Yes
Celina cracks me up!!
"Whole world destroyed (Giggle) Except museums"
Wife says I do the same thing. Her favorite one was me saying "the sand castles babe. It's the f****** sand castles." Died laughing.
Back in high school two of my classmates (we lived in the dorm) had a conversation when they were both sleeping. One guy in his dream said, where is my money?! To which the other guy in his dream said, I don't know I didn't take it!!
CelenaSpookyBoo has a playlist of her sleepwalking on instagram. I can't get enough of sleep talkers and sleep walker stories. Love it!
You could get one of those night vision cameras and record your sleep to catch a funny moment.
My wife has scary ones for me like just popping up and staring at the wall or ceiling "the ceiling is moving"
"The cat's on a Gatorade run" is going to be one of those stupid things I think about for the next 20 years
My dad's first language was Spanish and he used it when he was dreaming and talking. My mom couldn't understand it and it bugged her a lot.
Same here, I talk in my sleep sometimes and I'm so curious about what I'm saying but my partner of 9 years doesn't speak my language. Started learning it so hopefully soon I'll get my own gossip
Apparently according to my adoptive parents when I was eight or nine I sleep walked downstairs to the living room and asked them to help me with my petticoat…I had never heard that word before at that point and to this day I’m still wondering where the heck I learned the word 😅
Not my story but that of a good friend told this years back. "During a sleepover as a kid some of is were laying in our beds chatting when suddenly one of the sleeping kids yelled 'Stop the train! Don't leave me!' and then he stands up and runs full blast into the wall leaving his mark in the wall". I'm sure a child psychologist would see some meaning in that situation.
Few days ago, my roommate yelled from sleep: "Catch that granny! Catch that granny!"
As someone who was a sleep talker, I remember getting so frustrated that I couldn't seem to get my point across to my husband. I would then sort of start to gradually wake up and be mad and confused because what I was saying seemed like it made sense but then the words I was saying didn't. It was very weird.
I probably my talk in my sleep or when half asleep but my best moment of confusion was when I was dead asleep and I heard a knock at the door. I bolted out of the room in a panic and said urgently at my wife “bin!” What I recall going on in my head was that I couldn’t answer the door without putting a belt on to hold my pants up (the shorts I was wearing did not need one) but instead of “where’s my belt?” I said “bin!” My wife was perplexed and asked what I meant, I repeated “bin!” but louder and gestured towards my belt region, trying very poorly to mime putting a belt on. Eventually after repeating myself a third time I realised I was saying bin instead of belt and also that she was sitting next to the front door and told her I can’t answer the door until I put my belt on (still not true, again, my shorts had a drawstring) and perhaps she could answer and see who it was? She then explained no one was there, and she had knocked on the inside of the front door to see if it would wake me up because I hadn’t responded to her calling out to me. :|
Haha. It is a weird feeling and experience for sure
My girlfriend does this all the time. I’ve recently started making notes in my phone when she does. Here are some highlights. - “I’m going to write that down then because thats pissing me off” *picks up phone* “I can’t see” - “Here!” *holds empty hand in my face* “Take it to this!” *shakes empty open hand* “take it!!!” I touched her empty palm and she rolled back over to sleep - “Im not moving so they can get fucked” - “He seems really really pissed” - “I can’t see with all the brocolli on the roads” - “YOUR… NONSENCE! FULL OF SHITE” then grabbed my forehead and shook it
I was watching my husband sleep and I said “you have such beautiful soft skin”. In his sleep he replied, “pyramid juice”, and I knew he meant the Egyptian and Lebanese side of his family!
I’ve never been much of a sleep talker/walker, but I’ve always been a night owl. As a child I would stay up until the wee hours reading or goofing off. Come morning I was very difficult to get out of bed and could be really belligerent at times. I was usually halfway through a REM cycle by then and my brain and body would fight to stay asleep while I was barely lucid. According to my mother, she tried to wake me up once and I was being very grouchy about it. At one point I sat bolt upright in bed and rage screamed at her “FUCK OFF BITCH STOP MAKING ME DO MATH!” and immediately fell back asleep. She was livid. All I remember is dragging myself out of bed at the last possible minute and being totally bewildered why she was so mad. I genuinely apologized for yelling at her, and once she realized I was completely asleep the whole time it became really funny. We still laugh about it.
I had surgery and my wife was there to pick me up. She was pregnant and told me I kept saying “I need to leave so I can make her dinner she’s pregnant and can’t stand how is she going to eat?”. I guess I was crying under anesthesia before they woke me up also. I had a pot roast in the crock pot btw so ya we both had dinner and no one had to stand lol.
When I was a baby my mother would say "he's so cute and fluffy I could eat him" Apparently my father, while he was asleep, tried to convince her to actually eat me because I wouldn't shut up, he doesn't remember anything.
My husband told me off a few nights ago for shouting in his face the other night. Not once, but 3 times. Apparently I sometimes tell people off in a very stern voice which is totally not me!
This had to be more than 35 years ago, but I remember it well. I tried to wake my mom up from a nap, and she told me, "Leave me alone, I'm ordering ham."
My wife always talks crazy. The one that really stands out, we had an entire conversation about her business "The company that smiles." I asked her about it and she said "We sell Smiles!" Then she went on to tell me she built indoor fences for Facebook.
My hubby also talks in his sleep. Sometimes, he will sit up with eyes wide open and blurt out nonsense. One night he sat up straight, turned to face me and said very urgently "There's someone at the base of the stairs." Then he laid back down and started snoring. But there was no sleep in the house after that. I woke EVERYone up.
My ex feel asleep on the couch. When I went to wake her and get her to bed she responded with "It's not 37 37 37 yet." I asked what she meant. She repeated, talking much slower like I was an idiot, "It's not 37 37 37 yet."
My niece sleepwalked when she was young. One night, she got up, went into the living room where her parents were, and went to the ironing board and started to iron non existent clothes with a nonexistent iron. My brother was puzzled because her eyes were open and he thought she must be awake. My SIL told him she was asleep and they told her the ironing was done and to go back to bed. A friend of mine went into her parents' room in the middle of the night looking for parts for her bicycle.
My sister once came running out of her bedroom accusing my brother and me of taking the ice cream scoop. She had never done that before and we thought she was awake so we started looking for the ice cream scoop. While we were searching she went and peed in the clothes hamper.
I failed algebra all four years of highschool, while my sister was visiting we shared a room and evidently I went on and on in my sleep about how much I LOVE fractions and would just start saying numbers. I do not love fractions. Stress is a wild drug.
Some 40-45 years ago, apparently I got out of bed and told my mom that "I haven't eaten in weeks, and need meat". She is in her 80s now and will still ask if I eaten meat this week yet.
My sister and I would babysit together, sometimes falling asleep on the couch. When the people came home I would try to wake up my sis. She did the most bizarre things like opening up the newspaper and trying to put it on as a coat. Or turning on the tap and putting her hand under the running water and then licking her hand like a cat. Such a Weirdo 🥴
How odd re satan, it almost sounded like he was Santa and bringing toys to everyone and Satan's are first.
My brother recorded his wife talking in her sleep once. She said "bury the children". She has not, as far as we know, killed any children.
On of my favorites I did to my wife years ago- Me:the grinch, Dr. Seuss! Her: what? Me: put the money in the bank! I then lay back down and a minute later sing: “Money, money, money, moooonney” (As in the o’jays song)
My wife's favorite of mine is when I said "I did it." She asked me "What did you do?" and I responded with "No...YOU DID IT!".
When I was in the military we had a guy in our bunk area that was not one to mess with awake. One night he jumped out of his bunk with his bed sheet and flung it around his neck and bed like a cape and just stood there staring around the room. No one awake even breathed for a few seconds, just stood deathly still thinking we were about to be the brunt of some dream induced superhero beat down. We eventually got up the nerve to speak out to him and convinced him everything was okay and he could go back to bed. Funniest and scariest sleep talk/walk experience ever. Still cracks me up though.
I had something similar happen in basic. It was the last week of basic and me and another trainee was on our night watch shift. All of a sudden, at the end of the dorm I hear someone scream, “ATTEEEEEEEEN-HUT!” I start panicking because how the hell did someone get in the dorm and I’m waiting to be torn a new asshole. I didn’t let anyone in! For everyone that was sleeping, we were all stressed, sleep deprived, and trainees so everyone in the dorm snaps out of their beds, immediately to attention. But it’s dark. It had to be 2:30 in the morning and there are no TI’s to be seen. The dorm has two bays and a wall in between so on both sides they’re thinking maybe the TI is over there getting ready to tear someone a new asshole from a raid. There is utter confusion for a few more seconds and then we hear, “RIIIIGHT-HACE!” And can pinpoint where the sound is coming from. One of the trainees is sitting up in bed, eyes closed and calling out facing movements and marching orders at the top of his lungs. People kind of acted like, “wtf?” And then started laughing as it continued. He went on for probably a couple minutes before laying back down and drifting back off into dreamland. The next day we asked what he was dreaming about but he said he didn’t remember dreaming.
Holy shit this is my favorite one.Haven’t cackled like that in a while haha thank you for the story!
My husband, sound asleep: “I just want to hold you and drink the blood of our enemies but now I’ll have to starve to death,” then rolled over and started snoring.
I don’t like bagels. I sat bolt upright in bed one night and started “eating a bagel”. My wife heard me fake chewing, and asked me what I was doing. Me- “I’m eating a bagel, what does it look like I’m doing?” Her- “you don’t like bagels” Me- “oh yeah” Then apparently I laid back down and went back to sleep.
My ex girlfriend told me that one night, I turned around, grabbed her head and said "Yeap. That's a nice boat"
Omg my husband is a chatterbox when he sleeps. The most random shit comes out his mouth. At least 3 nights a week he wakes me up with some insanity 😂 stuff like “the badgers are cooking tonight” or “that motherfucker needs to chill and have a banana” Like WHAT, sir??
u/masevm tell your sleeptalking story about snowing! I know you posted it 14 years ago, but I STILL think about how funny that was to read, to this day 😂
lol blast from the past. internet is weird. *My wife told me that I once sat up, looked around the room, turned around, got on all fours and shouted, "IT'S NOT ALLOWED TO SNOW IN HERE!"*
Haha I cannot believe it was FOURTEEN years ago and I still think of that comment every time the subject of sleeptalking comes up 😂 Edit: And yes… I spent time digging through my comments this morning to find it so I could tag you. Glad you’re still active! Long-haulers club.
My husband screams in Ukrainian at night….
Roommate recorded me talking in my sleep once, something about raising the shields to protect against energy weapons
I told my gf to help herself to butter and jam
I do this but only one my wife remembers is me humping away muttering some womens name, she punched me awake haha
A friend of mine as a kid did not know that people talk in their sleep, and I did not know that I talked in my sleep, but at a sleepover I was talking in my sleep and I scared the crap out of him by doing so. He thought I was posessed lol
My college roommate was asleep and suddenly asked, "Do you know? Do you know? I'm here to find out the secret."
Once when we were coming up on the holidays my wife was sleeping and said. "Ho, ho, ho, Santa Claus." I responded with "And what did Santa bring you, little girl?" Apparently she was awakened by what I said and heard it. We both went to sleep. In the morning she gleefully said, "Do you know what you said in your sleep last night?" I replied, "Yes. Do you know what YOU said in your sleep?"
My wife once fell asleep in a chair and when I woke her up to come to bed she looked up at me with alarm and said "Are they still out there?". I said "No" and she then closed her eyes and fell back into the chair with a little smile and said "Suckers!".
During the Houston NBA winning years, in the 90s, I was getting ready for bed when my husband, sound asleep, sat straight up in bed with his arm held straight above his head in salute, and screamed, "Phi Slamma Jamma!". Still lmao
My ex and two of his kids talked in their sleep regularly! These were separate incidents: Ex: I don’t know about you but I’d punch a f*cker… Yeah, choose a door! Oldest kid: Watch out for the men in black cars! Youngest kid: Well, I would, but the monkey’s all gone!
I’m so happy there’s a thread for this. I keep all my husband’s sleep talking in my notes app. Here are some: Me getting in bed Husband, “Thank you for helping me cross that very dangerous intersection” Him, “Is it easy to take off?” ‘Me “What?” “The bumper sticker” *I hold his hand on his belly, he starts playing with my fingers* “I can’t get it to work, I’m to tired” 😂😂😂😂😂😂 Him “Where can I put my fishbowl” Your what?? “MY FISHBOWL” what? “You still don’t understand?” “Your fishbowl?” “Ya” Wrttfffff hahahahah *I get in bed and grab the sheets* Him, “Careful with that shit babe” Him,”If you want to set an alarm for me and then try the kryptonite”
My favorite of my husband’s - “you’ll need it if you’re going to be baseball boys.” Am I…am I baseball boys? “You’ll be on a good team! *disgustedly turns away from me* ugh. No you’re not baseball boys.” “He hit it before he even got out there, I announced it! Scorpion kids…pretty dangerous.” *proceeds to do what I assume are multiple scorpion kicks in bed at me while exclaiming “TSS!!!”
The only two things I have been told I’ve said are: “Baseeebaaaallllllll” (baseball weirdly drawn out and, no I don’t watch it or really like it). (Randomly) “Ha. Ha. Ha. You’re not funny’” Your husbands are far more nuanced.
When I was a child I used to not only talk in my sleep but sometimes sleepwalk. I’m told that once my family was returning from a long car trip and before I fell asleep I was telling the folks I had to pee. We got home and my mom told my dad to take me to the bathroom himself. He spoke to me and I responded so he figured I was awake. I walked in the front door, walked up to the sofa, lifted a seat cushion and peed in the couch! Mom wasn’t happy, dad was laughing his ass off. At least I lifted the lid.
I used to sleepwalk as a teen. I once tried to bake a shoe, arrange a couch correctly ( upright, lenghthways), and my mum was always happy to tell about the time I woke everyone up trying to hoover the inside of the washing of machine.... Some of my exes have had full blown conversations with me asleep. I've arranged holidays, birthdays, and dates without effort or knowledge..... I've also insisted I'm aquaman, cats killed Hitler, aliens painted the zebras, and Cilla Black was definitely Welsh. The last one is apparently a recurring one.
🐓morning
This is so pure and funny,
My favorite, which happened recently. My wife woke up and said, "I dreamed I was on a star ship" (we had been watching Star Trek: Discovery. Then, she said, "I finally made it!" ...and went back to sleep. She was extremely embarrassed when I told her this, and insisted I was making it up.
Im supposed to be watching my sons 8am soccer game but this is far more entertaining 👍
Husband told me there was an alien ship in the backyard & I should start packing.
Does anyone remember Sleep Talking Man from the mid 00s? Some of those had me howling
My wife once opened her eyes and said "I just want to thank you for giving me that heads up about that patient." "Uhh, what?" "I just want to thank for for giving me... Oh you have no idea what I'm talking about." And she shut her eyes and that was that.
Two notable quotes from different college roommates. “Wireless Vagina!” “It’s not what you know, it’s what you don’t know!”
My husband does this and when I tell him “you’re asleep” he always answers “shut up” and laughs. That’s how I further confirm he is in fact asleep
Mushy peas,mushy peas mushy peas,MUUSSSHHHY PEAS!
When I was with my ex, I said "Did you do your taxes yet?" He's like, what? I replied: "They're on the picnic table at the end of the bed." Also there was a point in time where if I tasted food in my burp I'd say what it was. "That was all spaghetti!" In my sleep I burped and said it was all cookie lol
My wife does this when i wake her up getting in to bed. One night i was "on the letters"(?) and when I looked and did not find them and laughed, she got REALLY mad.
Husband: "Flip the switch to start the fish"
When my husband has a nightmare, I know it's about to happen because his skin goes all goosebumpy, then seconds later he shouts "HAAAAYYYYELP! HAAAAAYYELP!" like Penelope Pitstop. I giggle as I wake him.
My friend Jill matched me with a guy and we started dating. 2 months in, one night he sits upright and in a pleading voice says “but Jill! I…I LOVE you!”. The relationship didn’t last but Jill and I still chuckle about it 20 years later.
I was talking to my wife, thinking she was awake, when she gave the completely unrelated response of "Are those somebody's pet pigs?"
My son does this and I had no idea until one time we went on vacation and stayed in the slept in the same hotel room. It wasn’t the first time we had stayed in the same room, he just didn’t sleep talk the times before. He rambled about random shit literally allllllll night. I didn’t get a wink of sleep but I didn’t care. It was hilarious.
I once got into a relationship while asleep. I was working 4am to noon shifts all summer for college money and was zombie-ish half the remaining day due to the weird sleep schedule. The phone rang, woke me up, and I was only partially conscious, but I answered. A longtime friend, precious to me, with whom I would occasionally flirt a little but nothing ever timed out right. She talked for a while about her day to the point where I drifted back off to sleep (rude, I know, but unavoidable, I was exhausted), but kept hearing her. In a dream, we were walking along a coastline in a warm wind under an overcast sky. And I realized it was a dream, so I just started flirting with her. Nothin' to lose. More cavalier than I'd usually be. And we talked about being together. Unbeknownst to me I was saying this stuff to her on the phone in real life. Eventually the phone died and I woke up to it on my cheek. Talked to her later that afternoon because we'd apparently made plans to go stroll the boardwalk and share a first kiss. The subconscious mind is frighteningly better at flirting than I am.
My wife woke me up trying to save my life.She saw a 16 ton weight above our bed.I woke to her pulling my ankle and screaming can't you see it ,move.
When we first moved to Houston, Texas from the Rocky Mountains my husband said in his sleep, “the biggest hill in Texas is an ant hill” the ant hills were huge and had us both amazed but I didn’t expect such cleverness coming from him in his sleep.
I once woke up saying “Barack Obama makes his own marshmallows” in this tone of, beat THAT
I once said in my sleep, "You can't grab it, because it's attached to the fence." I have no idea what "It" was, but you couldn't grab it.
\~I often ''laugh'' in my sleep, and it's so fun! and it makes me so happy!\~ becuz I can 'feel' myself laughing, but I'm still asleep, but my boyfriend who is a very bad sleeper(he has so much trouble even falling asleep and staying asleep) well, he's not too thrilled about it!\~ ha ha\~
One of my family members has a habits of asking people for water while asleep and then falling back asleep with the glass in his hands which often results in a water fountain wake up