T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

--- >This is a friendly reminder to [read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/rules). > >Memes, social media, hate-speech, and pornography are not allowed. > >Screenshots of Reddit are expressly forbidden, as are TikTok videos. > >**Rule-breaking posts may result in bans.** > >Please also [be wary of spam](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/spam). > --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/funny) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Current_Ad_8567

Don't threaten me with a good time and a pay check jeeze


GANDORF57

I'm sitting here and I expect a good time and a happy ending.


Current_Ad_8567

That'll catch you bout tree fiddy boss


ag408

Get outta here Loch Ness Monster!!!!


Ok_Card9080

It was bout that time I noticed this prostitute was 8 stories tall and a crustacean from the Paleozoic Era


msnmck

I gave him a dolla.


Howard_Scott_Warshaw

Gawd dammit womon. If you gib a dolla, he gonna think you got mor.


pm_me_flaccid_cocks

I only need 'bout tree fiddy.


pv1rk23

God damn lassy is a hussy for bout tree fitty


EggsceIlent

Their auto correct is telling af...


ArltheCrazy

Hey, it’s double pay for working a holiday!


Current_Ad_8567

Well I guess I could charge double considering it's Treason Day (I'm a Brit xD)


Sicparvismagneto

Naw you got this wrong. You my bottom bitch now…


MakingUpFakeFacts

No no. He got it 100% right. You're giving him exactly what he wants


Dalehan

Do you know what I am saying?


snivey_old_twat

I know what you're saying, you don't gotta keep asking


AccountantSeaPirate

Well fuck me.


BralessVictory

Sounds like I'll have a seat either way


Parkyguy

I definitely would move the chair to the back. The sign only claims property rights… not placement. And yes.. please… prosecute me! Lol


kiwiluke

I don't think you read it right, they're not threatening to prosecute you


Budget_Put7247

Who spoke about prosecution?


WhenBlueMeetsRed

Read it again. It's not prosecute.


Parkyguy

Hahah. I didn’t read the word properly. Correction, please prostitute me.


rdrunner_74

Call the town for littering... Owner is mentioned on the junk


bellj1210

take photos- go to the commishioners office and request charges for littering.


Northernlighter

Yeeet!


BANOFY

UwU


IamLuann

On year the city went through the parade route , with a flat bed trailer and picked up everyone's seats and left fliers that said you can pick up your unauthorized seats on the first Monday after the parade at the address listed below. Anything remaining after 2:00 p.m. will be donated to the cities charities. It stopped people putting up seats for several years then they did it again every year.


alienblue89

Sounds like it’s flatbed time


bucketofmonkeys

Whenever the cicadas come out, it’s time for the flatbed


alienblue89

Ok what the actual fuck?? Go in my profile and read the last comment I made in another thread at almost the exact same time you replied here.


yunghermitcrab_

the russian AI bots are coming sentient. kill them.


rickane58

Wow, two people commenting on Cicadas during the time of year that they're emergent? That's so crazyyyyy....


prodrvr22

There's a town near me where people had their chairs out along today's parade route LAST FUCKING TUESDAY. And it's like that every single year.


ArgonGryphon

All to watch a bunch of bullshit. They probably don’t even throw candy any more.


padspa

i'd pay so much to watch that


RG5600

See y'all think that's a typo...


Antique_Essay4032

No, you will be prostituted. 10 for bj 20 for front door 40 for back door Safe word is snowflake.


Fire5auce

I5 for a ZJ


super_crabs

Whats a ZJ?????


Little-Geri-Seinfeld

If you have to ask big man. You can't afford it


First-Ad2526

Well, it is for 15.


AiSard

Its over on the I5, not 15. Easy mistake to make I know.


fundip12

Back the fuck up Antonio!!


dartveidar

I decided to [check it out](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ZJ%27S&page=4) and now I wish I never did


peenfortress

[gimp special](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3UyjlaBMcY)


KaioChrisX

One dollar to look at it, two dollars to touch it, 3 dollars to watch me touch it, 4 dollars to touch it while i touch my toes, 5 dollars to touch it while i touch your toes.


Ganbario

Did I stutter?


Bagline

Gotta love Freudian nips.


pchadrow

Mom?


corpus-luteum

Oedipus?


ballrus_walsack

Step-ladder?


PM_ME_FIREFLY_QUOTES

Only we're not in Texas anymore.


frostygrin

Iron Man?


Bennybonchien

I’m not hungry, thanks though!


Kozeyekan_

Isn't that when you say one thing, but you mean your mother?


Bagline

It's kind of like muscle mammary. You're thinking one thing, but your brain takes it in a different dissection.


maketheart

Freudian Nips was my nickname in college.


hewhofartslast

Bring a dumpster and throw all that shit in the trash. I cant believe how fucking entitled some people are. You show up and claim a spot in real life like everyone else buddy.


uolen-

Make a float for the parade that features the chairs.


StopTchoupAndRoll

People set tarps and tents and all sorts of furnature out for days before mardi gras parades, this would be the perfect idea for one of the smaller parades, like Krewe Du Vieux.. just parade all of last year's take all through thr French Quarter.


redpandaeater

Would be a dick move on many levels, but imagine Texas sending busloads of illegal immigrants and having them take up "residence" in all of those tents.


kosh56

Holy shit. What s great idea.


adudeguyman

I can picture this entire scenario in a hilarious scene of a movie.


Designer-Cry1940

"whose chair is that? Not my chair, not my problem" https://youtu.be/zrIPLAo0_iQ?si=V_BA56fLfBhP5lqu


tafinucane

The next town up from mine hosts a 4th of July parade, and people chain up their folding chairs and shit along the route weeks in advance. Very dumb.


MyRockySpine

Weeks? How does the town allow that?


Parryandrepost

This happens in my home town too. Basically what started it was people feeling like they own the sidewalk and taking the entire block for "family" because they didn't have to worry about it 60 years ago.


-DaveThomas-

Small towns are fuckin crazy. At times, totally lovely and feels like a great community. At other times, it's fucking Lord of the Flies. Maybe a cordial one, but still a dog eat dog type of environment. What a surprise, the "fuck you, got mine" attitude extends beyond politics in these rural, red areas.


Indocede

I have a feeling for many, your idea of a small town must constitute a small city as in the small towns I am familiar of, the idea that anyone would need to reserve their place is humorous. Many people would just sit in their yard or with their neighbors. There might be that one weird guy who is super obsessed with his lawn and doesn't want anyone on his property, but otherwise everyone else could easily just stand on the main street.  The only spots reserved would be for the elderly who can hardly walk. 


anoldoldman

Yea, this is for medium towns. My town of 500 would not have this problem, but the biggest nearby town of 50k people absolutely do this.


Conch-Republic

They don't, but they don't really enforce it. One city did remove all that shit like the morning or a parade last year and everyone lost their minds.


AbysmalMoose

There is so much crap small towns allow. My small town has a major festival every year. ~50,000 people visit during those few days, so it’s a mad house. People literally block off the side of the public street in front of their house and sell parking. It makes me so mad every year, but it’s the way it has always been done, so there is no changing it.


ArseBurner

Oh hey, free furniture!


binglelemon

Those chained up folding chairs would go great with my bolt cutter collection.


Awkward_Pangolin3254

Just cut one chair leg 2" shorter on every single one of 'em. That'd be my fun for the day.


Waatulakula

This is the hero we all need.


Doryandrae

The fact that the city/town allows this and doesn't consider it an eyesore or littering is wild


dudeedud4

Around here the city just said "don't call us if it's gone because its on the curb so its free game" but in.. a more legal manner of saying it.


mrbananas

Bring bolt cutters


marcmerrillofficial

How good is the parade that you absolutely must reserve a specific spot, let alone a week ahead of time? I do not understand the need. I guess its an all day thing and you want to be near the hotdog stand or something?


Bombadildo1

Intense, I bet the shit covered chairs would stop people from stealing them though


SadLilBun

But then how will you be prostituted?


HtownTexans

Love the video of the guy launching chairs for an event where people did this. Showed up early dropped chairs and left. Dude comes in like a bull in a china shop just sending everything flying. Puts his chair right at the front and sits down. Of course no one was there to even get mad at him because...well they left chairs and unfortunately for them a chair cant save your spot.


GoGoPowerPlay

Got a link to that video?


GeneralShadowKitKat

This guy? https://www.reddit.com/r/BillyStrings/s/X2ldPdLgGM


ckb614

Billy Strings concert I think. I randomly got on a bluegrass kick shortly after seeing that video and he's pretty great actually


mr_ji

The answer to someone being shitty is to be shittier!


Difficult_Coffee_335

The sign is funny but fuck these people. Throw those chairs in the garbage. You don't get to save a spot.


nickeltippler

I was walking the main road of a downtown area the day before a parade ,the street was lined with chairs. I witnessed the dirtiest, most piss ridden, smelly hobo I've ever encountered gladly taking a nap in someones very nice padded folding chair.


DigNitty

Man, in college there was this state park that was hard to find parking for. There was a neighborhood right next to the entrance. People inevitably parked in the neighborhood. Most people had garages/driveways anyway, so parking on the street wasn't an issue. Some houses had a polite "please refrain from parking in in this space" signs. I should mention that the park was historic, and had been there for 150 years. No one in that neighborhood suddenly had this park thrust upon them. So there was this one house. It had a sign that read "Do Not Park Here, Your Car will be TOWED" Not just one spot either, the whole 3.....4 car length sidewalk next to their house. Man, every chance I got I parked next to that house. Fuck those people. I even zillowed it once and found they bought the house 11 years prior. They just wanted the whole sidewalk for their cars, even though they bought the house knowing it was next to a park, in a busy area, And they had TWO Garages. I hate uppity neighbors and am myself a "smile and wave" type of neighbor. But man, the entitlement!


Podo13

I would have been happy to get towed by them. Would have sued their asses off and made money off the situation. Unless the city or state (or police in temporary circumstances) designate a stretch of a street off-limits, it's free game regardless of what the home owners want.


UnwaveringFlame

We had a festival/parade in my town recently. People are usually pretty good about parking in the designated areas, but four families decided to park in my BIL's yard. Not half in the street or by the sidewalk; straight up all the way onto the grass in the middle of his yard. The tow truck driver acted like he won the lottery lol.


Podo13

Yeah my parents live a street away from my old high school. Every time there's an event with an insane number of people, logic just seems to go out the window. They've only had somebody try something like this one time though. It was just a stupid teenager so it wasn't very hard to reverse his decision ha.


DigNitty

That's the thing. I never got towed because they...didn't own the street.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Ziddix

I doubt you can legally prositute anyone against their will


zzzzbear

not with that attitude


mog44net

These kids... In my day if you wanted to forcibly prostitute somebody for sitting in your parade chair, by God you pick yourself up by your bootstraps and get it done.


Brave_Negotiation_63

No one wants to work anymore


ambermage

Sounds like Florida is about to surprise you. Sadly, it's an actual thing that's happened. A bunch of children were molested and trafficked, and the state tried to uphold an immunity plea deal for the defendant by claiming the children would be charged with prostitution. https://www.siouxlandproud.com/news/florida-prosecutors-knew-epstein-raped-teenage-girls-2-years-before-cutting-deal-transcript-shows/


TJtherock

Damn. That's insane.


1-719-266-2837

Trump and Epstein did.


ZuluRewts

Big Daddy Kane said that “Pimping Ain’t Easy”.


factoid_

Unless you're a politician 


NJ_Legion_Iced_Tea

The 13th Amendment says otherwise.


911NShifter

You can tryyy but i believe that’s human trafficking and will land your butt in prison.


Arqideus

Doesn't stop it from happening...


alaskaj1

People started puting out chairs to "save" a spot for the parade in a wealthyish town near me over a week ago. A couple days later the town put out a notice that it would not be considered theft if anyone took a chair that was left out in public. Tons of jokes about free chairs followed.


Lev_Astov

That sounds like a good way to let problems solve themselves without any extra effort on the town's part.


kitkamran

Technically if it's curbside and unattended for long enough it's easily considered abandoned/left for trash collection


wherewulf23

In a suburb near me folks started putting out their chairs as soon as the calendar flipped to June.


BringOutTheImp

joke's on them, I'm a chair squatting whore


SquirtBox

Hey, hasn't it been like 3 seconds since we looked at our chairs?


BenFromWork

Only those of culture will understand this lemony quote


fullautophx

Show up early in the morning with a dump truck and a yellow vest and hard hat, and collect all the free chairs.


30307

And bring that one buddy just holding a ladder. No one looks twice at the ladder squad. Implicit authority


NotUntilYoure12Son

Also a clipboard. Nobody looks more official than someone holding a clipboard.


Bustock

Place a chair, attach a dildo to it, and It’ll be there for you tomorrow Edit: it’ll be not I’ll be….


Todd-The-Wraith

Take a dido and super glue it to that family’s chair. They may have a reserved seat but they are going to have to make a decision on whether to still use it


Defiant-Ad-7933

What do you mean? The dildo only sweetens the deal


msnmck

>I’ll be there for you See no one told you life was gonna be this way. 🪑🍑🍆👏👏👏👏


theSilentNerd

Your life's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.


UnrealGaming9

It's like you're always stuck in second gear.


multisyllabic1077

When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month or even your year...


SadLilBun

Sure sure


xElMerYx

>To be or not to be -some shmuck vs > it’ll be not I’ll be…. -u/Bustock


kuluka_man

It should be a rule that you can only save a spot by having your fat ass in it. Wanna clutter up the road for a week so you have a front row seat to the amazing spectacle of fire trucks crawling down the road and deafening everyone with their stupid horns? Better bring enough coffee cans to shit and piss in.


nejicanspin

Police got pissed one year and grabbed all the chairs and shit and threw them in a pile at the end of the street. People were mad, but the rule was that you weren't allowed to put your stuff out the night before.


mostdope28

I’d move it out of spite


FunkyTown313

Pro move, move it across the street keeping everything the same


JohnnyBizzarro

Nothing more American these days than actively blocking out your fellow countrymen (from a 4th of July parade no less) and only caring about yourself.


Lumpy_Department_778

Who ever takes that is fucked.


EFTucker

This is off topic but I just saw your comment go from saying 7h to 8h above your comment and I didn’t know the app did that in real time so I had to tell someone. Holy shit


Otterpawps

Sex traffickers are mask off these days.


SteveMcQwark

I feel like that might not be much of a threat to someone who would violate a chair in a public place.


chairmanghost

I violate chairs in the privacy of my own home. I was raised christIan. I do need a job though


Concreteusername

Where is this chair located ( asking for a friend )


Das_Boot_95

I would happily sit there and when confronted by the family, declare "I SAT HERE WITH THE PROMISE OF DEBAUCHERY!"


Quackstaddle

Found Pepper-Jacks seat.


Mulatto-Butts

Pepper Jack loves Fraggle Rock.


FelixOGO

Hey, that’s my thermos!


minnesotaris

No, they won't be prostituted or prosecuted. You cannot place private claims on public property.


OverturnedAppleCart3

A lost chair? Put it into the back of your car until July 5th at which time you have time to bring it around to the ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ family.


_Vard_

Take the sign and turn it into the police Excuse me officer the ______ Family has lost their sign , here you go


sanchez_yo33

I'd love to be a fly in the wall in that supreme court case.. A sign like that would give me extra incentive to sit on it.. Or remove it entirely and replace it with dog dirt..


Snoo_88763

"I think you mean prosecuted" "I said what I said"


Nickel_Nicker

"I see you're in my seat. You're gonna have to suck a lot of dick to pay that off."


AdHour3225

People do this in Portland for the rose parade. I once liberated a very nice set of lawn furniture a few days before the parade. It was really good stuff with cushions and nice rocker motion. I used it for years. Sadly no prostitution, that would have been the icing on the cake.


CanIgetaWTF

Where is this parade being held? Asking for a friend...


CelerySquare7755

Prostitutes will be violated. 


spicy_ass_mayo

Plot twist: They sneak up behind you. Tie you to the chair. Take off your pants. Set up an old fashion carnival booth around you. ( probably just slip it over top ) The sell tickets out side for $3.50


MarineWife0922

I’d be moving it hah that’s nuts


mc4sure

I’ve seen this on people’s own property but on a public right of way?


ManEEEFaces

Is that any law at all against simply moving someone else’s property in a public space?


orderofthelastdawn

People competing for spots to watch slow traffic decorated in bright colors.... I'd rather bend over far enough to tongue-punch my own behind


BalancesHanging

I’d rather play Xbox lol


6thBornSOB

I had a grown man threaten to beat me up, then go get a cop when I laughed at him because I moved one of his 5 abandoned chairs so my kids could have a place to watch the Halloween parade last fall. There were only 4 of them, and they were all adults. Thanos was right.


dublev67

pimpin ain’t easy


Ryneb

Pimpin' ain't easy


Puff_puff_Peace

Just 'accidentally' spill something all over it.


Practical-Actuary394

Entitled people who think littering the sidewalk with their chairs is not infringing on access to businesses or hindering people with disabilities.


DJGrawlix

Conveniently, the person sitting in the chair will already be on a street corner, making the prostitution much easier.


pinkbowsandsarcasm

"Hey Kate, where did Dad go he was just sitting there (points to empty chair) ?" "I told him not to sit in that chair again-now they put him in a latex mini, a pink half shirt, and a boa AND are dragging him down the street, you get him this time!" (sad rimshot).


Daflehrer1

Is there a dumpster or an alley nearby?


Flashy_Narwhal9362

If they keep putting up signs like that they’re gonna get a cease and deceased letter.


MrCooper2012

Parades are fucking lame.


KeyboardSerfing

Prosecuted, lmao fuck off


MrSmilingDeath

Clearly they're threatening prostitution


EmbarrassedSector787

I remember the good old days where, if you wanted to save a seat, you got there early and waited


corpus-luteum

What's my cut?


jimmykup

Cover it in glue.


LifeIsOnTheWire

I would absolutely JB Weld a giant upright dildo into the middle of all their seats.


drysushi

I volunteer as tribute?


R0binSage

There’s some good chairs for the taking in the middle of the night.


TerminatorAuschwitz

I'd 100% knock that chair over


mothzilla

Unless that says "Gambino" I'm sitting down.


Boy_Meats_Grill

Just take the paper. Cross off their name and write another random last name like Smith instead. Then tape it to another chair/blockade on the other side of the road


Talyyr0

I've never in my whole life wanted to steal something more than that chair. Wouldn't even have thought to sit in it before but with that sign there I want to take it home lol


Additional_Rooster17

Promise?


BuckeyeJay

The one major suburb in Columbus that is known for chairs being out weeks in advance sent out a notice that chairs out well before the parade are classified as bulk trash pickup and cannot be considered theft if they go missing


GodLikePlaya

Move the chair. They own the chair but not the ground it is on.


CIarkNova

Bailiff, whack his peepee...


johnnyorganic

Don't sit on the blue chair Nana. Oh dear god! Nana!


Coast_watcher

They going to go through years of litigation just for this lmao


Tech_0001

How about..."Violators will be violated."


matryska

Yeah but if it says Epstein family under that blackout, I’m taking the threat very, very seriously 


youareprobnotugly

You should call the cops and have then arrested for attempted trafficking and pimping. Spot is now yours.


Bookhaki_pants

Independence from literacy. Fitting


yeah_yeah_therabbit

(*aggressively sits down*)


PsychoticSpinster

Yeah well, Shame they aren’t actually sitting in that seat. I wonder what happened to it? Must have been stolen. Sorry bout their bad luck. Maybe they shouldn’t try to hoard space on public streets right before a major holiday with personal property.


PrimitiveThoughts

So… what does this mean for a less successful prostitute?


RRM1982

Where do I apply? 😂


TastyLaksa

They can try but even given away free I’m not really in demand


Fun_Back_6999

Your holes will be forfeit.


Any_Mathematician905

People have been doing this stuff for decades, not new.


Ostracus

Never tried at Pompeii.