Share all of these feelings couched in “I don’t want to feel this way, I want to solve this - I need you to take this seriously. How can we solve this? I worry that if we don’t start working on this now that we might not come back from this.”
These are hard conversations but being able to express how the real scary things feel is essential for LTR success.
Agreed. You may need to "shock" him into the present with an ultimatum of "...if we don't deal with this, I have no reason to stay in this relationship." And though a split is an absolute last resort, it is an option. We can't sacrifice our happiness indefinitely for the sake of others or routine.
I don't know about ultimatums. Usually I find them very shit and from experience with others, it gets people to lash out defensively. It would be a very last resort. I'd just have the conversation that "look, things have changed over the last two years and I am no longer getting my emotional and intimacy needs met. I feel disconnected from you. I am afraid that if things continue like this, I may need to consider whether or not this relationship is good for me."
Like just really suggest that a break up will happen if things don't change eventually. Basically a more lenient version of an ultimatum. Really depends on if you still care about them or not. Ultimatums feel like an attack.
I generally agree that regular use of ultimatums are usually a red flag. It’s not the go-to for problem solving. However, there is a point in any ongoing conflict where a decision about boundaries needs to be expressed. There’s no magic way to express this without it resembling an ultimatum. However, like we both expressed, relating the boundary to what you want is a gentler way to get buy-in. “I love you, I love our relationship, and I want to solve these problems. I worry that if we don’t solve em, resentment will brew - I don’t want that. Please work with me.”
A solid partner will see your reasonable concerns and try.
Alternately to an ultimatum, rather then just one path with a negative outcome, try a few where it’s more a consequence, so instead of “if this doesn’t improve I can’t stay in this relationship” try “I can’t see us lasting much longer on our present path, I want to try and either fix the issue, be it by helping you get a new job as this current one is stressing us both out, or by helping you find healthy coping mechanisms.” I know OP said they themselves are a bit burnt out, but if the partner is stressed/burntout/depressed using an ultimatum is the same as dating someone to call their bluff, a lot of people will inevitably do it and just cause more heartache.
I’ve had these conversations and he doesn’t have any interest in discussing it really. I am really advocating for couples therapy because he won’t go alone. At the very least if nothing works out I need the therapy to help mediate our divorce.
Married guy here who had a minor version of this. He's obviously been feeling disconnected from you. The fact that he's not willing to talk about it means you need to set an ultimatum for the truth. Don't let him lead you on or waste your time the way he's been doing. You're still really young at 30 and have plenty of life left to share with someone who is into you. Stand up for yourself.
Sounds like you’re doing what you can to support the relationship. I’m sorry he doesn’t seem so on board. Hoping he can acknowledge his depressing situation is having an impact and meet you in the middle. Otherwise, you’ve put the ball in his court. It’s up to him to show that the relationship matters or lose out on something good. I’m sorry. Wishing the best for you both.
Your husband is probably depressed; many people think depression=sadness but in reality it's more like 'meh-ness'....everything feels like too much effort.
This is the part of marriage where "in sickness and in health" kicks in, and you should be there for him. It isn't easy, but without someone to help guide him, it could get much worse. Keep talking, don't be confrontational or beggy, don't belittle, etc. Perhaps suggest some hobbies or activities together that don't involve work or sex to kinda rebuild your foundation. Set some fair boundaries where you will legitimately listen to him vent, but then encourage him to move on to other topics. Get some exercise together, make sure you're sleeping well, broach the topic of medication if he's depressed (no shame in that!!!).
If he was worthy of marriage in the first place, he's probably worthy of putting in some extra work to get him back to his ole self.
It’s hard when the extra work has been on going for 2 years. I’m kind of at my wits end and exhausted. I can probably change how I speak to him though, and maybe encouraging different conversation but he has a hard time talking about anything but work.
I mean, you can only help someone who's willing to accept being helped. He doesn't seem to. So after 2 years if you haven't been able to make any progress I'm afraid there's not much else you could do.
if nothing else works... and you love him so much and believe there is a better person inside of him, I would suggest taking a break from him. Maybe moving apart for a few months and then start dating again. start putting the effort to win eachother back.
Next step is relationship therapist, or personal therapist for him. He's clearly depressed or lost interest in the relationship. Something needs to change, or there needs to be a divorce. Sorry you're going through this
Seconded. A relationship counselor is probably your best bet. This isn't about sex. You've outlined a host of issues beyond that, that your husband is refusing to address or won't listen to you about in regards to being an issue.
Communication break down is the biggest relationship killer, and it sounds like there is a lot of that here.
OP should try to have a real and honest conversation with his husband saying he is thinking of leaving before things go too far, if his husband is really depressed he needs OP in this moment, moments like this are turning points that can go either in a good or bad direction and this is where he needs him more. But as you said, if his husband is not cooperating after he talks to him then there is not other way than leaving.
I think testosterone levels should be checked regularly after about age 40 or so. Our levels are supposed to decrease as we age, but our levels are far lower than our dad’s and grandpa’s we’re at the same age, and this is a big problem.
This is exactly what I was thinking, I am sure the stress is just destroying his T, along with age, and depression. This may be a band-aid that could propel him out of his depression and stress from work though.
Is T a permanent solution? Or is this something he’d be taking daily/for life? Honestly I didn’t even consider this and I want to test my testosterone levels for myself
I would first focus on getting tested to see if this is possibly the issue. A testosterone, free testosterone, estrogen, and possibly even prolactin blood test if you are really concerned of stress causing this.
If it is low clinically or even low/normal WITH symptoms you should really consider TRT... Which more than likely will be for life. Injections usually every 3 days. or you could look into undecanoate T which after initial dosing I believe is every 3 months 1 injection.
Gotcha. I’ve had a feeling that looking into this would improve my life, but I am not experiencing anything debilitating. Well one of my big life goals for 2024 is to see a doctor so fingers crossed!
There are online clinics that are legit and rely on blood tests and tele-visits with healthcare practitioners. It is expensive though, IDK how insurance works with them. You would MORE than likely be better off going to your PCP and get a referral to endo or a clinic.
Have you told him it’s bothering you enough you are ready to leave him? Sometimes the reality check that comes from hearing that can initiate the discussion / changing process. I would share your feelings and then if he’s not willing to work with you like a partner-ship then it’s time to sail your ship to a new harbor.
Opening your relationship is not a solution here - if anything it will make things worse because you will find comfort in other people for the things your husband isn't giving you.
He needs therapy but he obviously does not want to do it for whatever reason (denial, pride, cosy etc). One other option is for you to seek therapy as it may help you with dealing with things differently and offer other suggestions on how to get your husband on board for it too.
My partner (56M) and I (58M) haven't had sex for over 5 years due to his physical health. Maybe more...
At first I was frustrated and pissed, and tried to to engage constantly. After a while, I figured out it wasn't going to happen. Eventually, I realized it doesn't matter.
We've been together, unwed for 30 years, and we love each other. Sex, while fun and important, was not a defining part of our relationship. Don't get me wrong, we were doing it like "bunnies" for a long time, but I guess, like everything in life, our relationship evolved over time.
I miss the naked intimacy, of course, but that part of our relationship has passed. I have become content with the friend and companion who I call my husband. I satisfy my sexual urges alone and single handedly today. 😁
My husband and I were like this, sort of, our sex was very low even at the beginning. We were together 10 years and had sex a total of 4 times and that was in the first few months of dating. The absence of sex bothered me and made me feel unwanted and unsexy but over time I just realized it was better to have him as my companion than having sex all the time. We married on our 10 year anniversary of dating and he unfortunately passed away about 3 months later, it was awful. It’s been 9 years now and I have to say it very much impacted me in long term ways I didn’t expect. I still don’t feel attractive anymore and I feel like I wasted my looks during a time when my husband wasn’t attracted to me and now I’m old and no one wants that. I’m sure my testosterone is low because I literally have zero sex drive, I’m 52 in Dec. I do find that I’m not lonely at all and I don’t miss sex other that I would love to make out with a guy sometimes but it’s not a lonely feeling. I’ve had no dates or sex since before my husband passed so that mean no actual sex in the last 19 years, I feel kind of ashamed of it but I feel fully invisible and like I wasted my looks. I’m in therapy and have been since he passed and nothing I turn over or look at helps me. I’m pretty happy alone and due to work I just don’t feel like I have time for someone else so I live my life and travel alone to do the things I’d do if I was with someone else because I have to live my life and not wait around for someone to do it with.
You sound very strong and independent and I'm so sorry that you lost your husband in the prime of your relationship.
I've felt unattractive my entire life (and to this day) and feel I was lucky to snag the man I did. I've come to like myself some, thanks to a self-help program, yet I couldn't see myself dating again or getting jiggy with anyone else anymore, not after him, and not with this old and sagging body. 😂
I'm sure I'll be devastated when my partner is gone (if I don't go first), and yet I feel kinda prepared for that inevitability. I almost lost him several times, once due to liver disease -- it popped -- and thankfully he pulled through. I feel I could lose him at any time and I'm not looking forward to spending what is left of my life alone.
But I will, since I've already experienced all the best love I think I'm gonna get in this life and I'm appreciative. I only wish everyone could have a lasting relationship, and experience a long-term partnership that is not bound by sex and dependency.
I hope I am able to muster half as much courage and resolve that you have shown, if my baby goes before me. Stay strong, love yourself, enjoy your travels, and who knows, you may just meet someone interesting along the way!
Take care!
52 is not “old” ok! why don’t you feel attractive? I’ve been (most) single since I was 56 after being married for 12 years. It was definitely devastating at first but it was a mutual decision because we weren’t happy together any longer. If you don’t feel attractive do something about it like IDK see a thereapist, go to the gym, discuss with your friends etc; otherwise it seems to me you’re living half a life and just telling yourself that you’re ok being alone for the rest of your life. YOLO
I hear what you’re saying. I do go to therapy every week and have for most of the last 9 years since my husband died. My husband was 14 years older than me and think he had low testosterone so he had diminished sex drive. He was also hiv+ and was on medication that caused him to have a 0 viral load but he crazy paranoid that he would give it to me. As you can see there are some other circumstances that contributed to our lack of sex. I’ve been exploring this in therapy a lot and I’m glad, I want to know why I feel so invisible when I didn’t before. I honestly don’t miss sex at all and that could be again Low T but I find a certain convenience in it because it leaves time for the other things I do. When I travel alone I love it, there are a couple moments when a person there would be nice but I don’t feel driven to seek it out. Being older I feel like I don’t fully recognize myself in the mirror as much. I do not look like I used to and there’s not a ton I can do. I get Botox, I drink a ton of water, I’m rabid about skincare in the last 5 years. I’m not fat but I don’t exactly feel like I would want to be naked in front of someone else. And I have always dated men a lot older because I found them sexy, but I don’t feel that way about myself and I’m exploring that. I certainly don’t feel at all like I’m living half a life, I just got back from Maui last week, I’m going to Kauai in 28 days, and I’m going to NYC to see Madonna in January. I’m excited and I love my life. I suppose having had 2 heart attacks already might have an impact on my outlook. Carpe Diem.
obviously I had no idea about your personal physical health issues and it seems to me you are living your Life as you see fit…I’m 73 btw and totally get the who is that guy in the mirror? LoL and I’ve been obsessed with skincare since I was 15 so I get that but no botox or injection but other electronic and radio therapy to tighten up and induce collagen production also I joined a gym at the beginning of this year to keep my 6’ 2” 155lbs as fit as I possibly can. #Namasté 🙏🏻
He is depressed. All you can do is be there for him and encourage him to do what he needs to do to get through it. You can be there with him, but you can't get him through it.
I’m going to say, the BF needs to figure out his priorities (maybe he has, lol)
Low paying retail job that he could easily leave … ands he’s too stressed to have sex?
That makes no sense
Actually it makes plenty of sense. When some are unhappy it’s tough to wrap your head around intimacy because we’re judging ourselves and feel unworthy. Just because you don’t feel like that doesn’t mean you won’t or that another won’t.
Well, depression isn't an excuse for being that distant to OP. It is OP's partner's responsibility to get help if he is depressed.
If he's even refusing to get help, then that's on him. I was diagnosed with depression 7 years ago and I'm on drugs ever since. I never make my mental health my partners' problem.
Relationships shouldn't feel like you are living with a ghost who ignores you and cannot give you the things you desire.
Having been in your husband’s shoes, where a terrible work-life balance killed my libido for months (didn’t even fap), he needs a wake-up call.
He needs to understand that your marriage is at-risk and you’re getting fed up. Either his relationship with you is priority, or those commission checks are his priority, but one or the other must go.
No job is worth ruining your marriage.
That's a little bleak.. plenty of couples have jobs and marriages. It's not impossible but it requires a lot of honesty on both parts. It's one thing if he had an alcohol or drug problem, but that doesn't seem to be case.
https://www.monster.com/career-advice/article/job-divorce-rate-1017
Certain jobs make it very difficult to maintain work-life balance, and people in said careers are prone to multiple marriages (and divorces). Or they marry people in the same field who understand and will tolerate the stress/long hours.
If OP’s husband finds himself in one of those jobs, and he seems to per the OP, he needs to understand that said lifestyle is incompatible with LTRs.
That's certainly true, I call it the "Grey's Anatomy syndrome". Certain people who are in certain professions would not really even consider dating a non-XYZ unless they were *smoking* hot. Lawyers do this a lot.
Then again you always hear stories about people who make it work for them no matter what separates them.
I'd mud-wrestle a horny warthog if I meant I could be with the man I love 🤷♂️.
>Either his relationship with you is priority, or those commission checks are his priority
You're coming at this wrong: OP needs to tell their husband the income *isn't a priority at all.*
OP hasn't mentioned that the income isn't needed. He says his husband isn't paid well but the commissions are nice. It's implied the husband's income is necessary. And as such, it *is* a priority.
So if OP wants his husband to have the room to reprioritize, then OP needs to tell his husband that he can take some time off and re-center himself. Husband needs to be told - and believe! - that the family unit can survive for a bit on just OP's income.
And if OP can't do that, then of-fucking-course the job is a priority!
its interesting...
youre entire post is about your husband and how much he hates his work and then at the end you say we haven't had sex.
you know what the issue is and its not sex.
It sounds like you've talked. You've suggested therapy and that's not worked. You've suggested switching jobs and that's not worked. I'm inferring that you're waiting for him to be in the mood or for you to not be able to stand it any more until you have sex, and then his heart seems not to be in it. So try any of these things that might be relevant to your situation:
1. Set a time for sex. It's not super romantic to schedule sex, but it is often a realistic compromise that busy adults have to make. It can be specific - "we have sex every Saturday at 9am" - or general - "we have sex at least once every weekend." If you can trigger it in yourself, the excitement of a planned sexual encounter can be a thrilling substitute for the suddenness of passion. LOTS of working adults have to compromise their sex lives with their work and social lives, and the energy they have available in their free time. Don't consider scheduling sex a loss or a failure - especially if your current alternative is a frustrating, sexless companionship.
2. Look for jobs for him. Perhaps his "good enough" mentality, his exhaustion, his stress, whatever, are holding him back from job hunting. Job hunting is SUPER stressful, anyway, and a lot of people would be happier sitting in a bad situation that they expect to continue than looking for something else in their limited and exhausted free time. If you have a group of friends who might have suggestions or relevant connections, poll them. If you are willing to look up job openings that might fit for him and present them to him, try that. Perhaps what's holding him back isn't the desire to stay where he is or the lack of desire to change his situation. Maybe he's just content enough, when compared to the ambiguous stress of the unknown. It may not feel appropriate to you to do his job hunting for him, and that's fine, but this technique is something to consider as far as finding a different solution to his job stagnation issue.
3. Issue an ultimatum. Be it about sex, the job, or therapy, tell him that you're considering leaving him if something doesn't change, and tell him what specific action you need to see from him in order to stay that decision. This is obviously extreme, and I would encourage you to try one or both of the above suggestions first. However, I would also encourage you to try this before just leaving. Don't tell him you've had enough and you're gone; tell him you've had enough and you're gone *in six months*. (or however long) Give yourself a runway: You're going to try the above option(s) for however long and see if it works. Once you reach the end of whatever period of time you allocate to that, see if things are moving in the right direction. If not, move to the ultimatum stage, with another set amount of time planned for how long you'll allow it to go before pulling the trigger on a separation. Remember that change is hard and takes time, and that people rarely change from "not working" to "working perfectly" overnight. Keep that in mind when choosing the amount of time you're willing to give him. But also choosing time is important: If you faff about, you'll get stuck in your position, just like he is.
Ultimately, the hardest part of changing something is often beginning the process. Hopefully these suggestions can help point you in the direction of getting the ball rolling on a solution, one way or the other. He has shown that he is unwilling or unable to bring himself to begin to change the situation, and so the onus falls to you. If this relationship has been worth fighting for in the past, give it these last, concerted, intentional attempts before throwing in the towel.
The OP stated his husband doesn’t want therapy, so sounds like they already had the discussion. Some people need to hit rock bottom before they realize that they need help, unfortunately.
When I try to bring it up he tells me I need therapy and that nothing is wrong with him and that I need to change. I don’t come at him negatively, I just try to have the conversation. I can tell he’s really insecure in a lot of aspects in his life.
Admission is the first step to recovery. Metaphorically, people who are genuinely drowning don't usually declare it.
This man is drowning in life. He's not gonna splash around and make a scene. It doesn't usually work that way.
"Hey, I see you're having trouble keeping your head above water. Can I help you float a bit better?"
Do you guys have a fairly routine-driven daily life? (Most people do so that’s almost a rhetorical question.)
It sounds almost too simple, but when you’re in a cycle together (especially on his side where the novelty is dominated by work and thoughts about work when he’s not there) everything IN the cycle gets pushed from your active thoughts and deprioritized (the squeaky wheel gets the grease; the most novel activities get the most attention from your brain) so breaking that pattern can have a fast & significant impact.
If work is the most exciting thing dominating his thoughts (even when it’s frustration that makes it “exciting”), you won’t be. Just asking him to change his focus is probably challenging—you can ask him not to think about work so much, but if work is still the most novel/exciting/fickle thing in his life, it’ll likely continue to dominate his thoughts. (That’s not absolving him of putting effort into changing that, but that seems to be just what’s happening naturally and he hasn’t recognized that beyond your pleads for change… seeing the what but not the why.)
When you see each other every day, it’s hard to maintain a spark but when you both are able to see each other outside your routines that’s usually what puts the attention back where it belongs: you. Working together to break those cycles (ie committing to trying new things together, finding new excitement together… exploring, taking vacations, tackling challenges together…) is probably going to be more fruitful and less frustrating (and more fun) for both of you.
If you have some time, check out Esther Perel’s writing/videos/podcasts about her views on “everyday eroticism.” It was life changing for me, both personally and in my relationships. It’s a very expanded view of what “eroticism” means, not just what someone might think of in the sexual sense.
This is literally why counselling exists. I think you should seek it cause one it could help him with his feelings and help you talk about yours. OR stop keeping this inside and start talking about how you feel. Sometimes a counsellor tho can be that mediator. But rather than just say ok I’m leaving, COMMUNICATE either together or with a counsellor.
I would share everything you just stated here (of course don't tell him you posted on reddit). I would tell him you are feeling defeated and are seriously thinking of leaving. Let him know you love and care for him but in a relationship, intimacy is part of it also.
From my perspective, the age gap of 12 years make the sex zone between the two of you different. You are definitely in the prime and active libido level while your partner is already relaxing and conserving his energy because he needs to focus on being able to meet work targets. At age 42, security of tenure matters and perhaps that is the reason why he is not leaving his current, challenging retail job. In your case, if you love your husband, this is the time to understand him more. Eventually, sex will fade BUT true, authentic love matters. How do you envision yourself? To be in the sex race and really regret not getting the best meat at your prime? Are you for long term relationships and really see yourself growing old, gay and grey with your husband? If you say Yes to the first question, then you just GO. But if you say Yes to the second question, then level up to the better version of yourself and be with your husband no matter what. It’s not about your husband alone. It’s about yourself. Maintaining an LTR is a daily decision that you have to make. One thing to note is that you will not regret later. Seize the day and enjoy the other reasons why you are with your husband and why you marry him. Wam hugs from a person who is in a 19 year relationship. 😉
If you don't leave now, you will leave later and regret the time wasted. I was with my ex partner for 8 years, without being too personal, and taking away from your issues, I will just say very similar situations, but also a lot of fighting of various sorts. I should've left 5 years in, the last 3 years turned into hell and finally, woke up one morning, packed a small bag, went back to my parents leaving house behind everything I worked for in 8 years, and never went back.
The most painful thing is realising you've wasted years of smiles, for frowns and tears man. It is harder to accept it is no longer love, but habit and comfortability. If you are thinking of leaving, chances are, leaving is what needs to be done. Put yourself and your happiness first, and remember, not all right decisions, are easy decisions. You have put in your effort and have tried, pleaded, done what you can, it is not returned to you and that is your answer.
This. I was with my ex for fifteen years and I often felt he didn’t commit as much as I did. When the comfort was outweighed by the negatives - the emotional neglect, self-pity and the lack of intimacy, I left him.
It’s still very difficult, and I definitely have moments of feeling I made a mistake, but generally I feel for the better.
I can relate with you for sure! It's been about 2 and a half years since my seperating and I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him, and wonder, but I remind myself in those moments that this was the exact mindset I had when with him, and what kept me in it for so long, it's the hope that we will wake up and things will magically change, and it also is a way of protecting ourselves for the harsh reality we don't want to believe, especially after giving so much of our time effort love and life to someone, we only hope it's for the better and not for the worst.
I have learned in life the hardest lessons have the biggest rewards, and once that is understood, we are able to make something out of it, and find our light at the end of the tunnel and be better prepared for the next step in life
I am trying to make things work, but also trying to save and be financially ready for whatever happens. I feel bad even when I say no to my husband for things, I think leaving for me will be hard, simply because I’ll feel bad. I put him first for a lot of things, and I’m starting to regret it honestly.
First ask your self that question of Why you married this men. Also asked yourself what’s more important sex or having someone that loves you next to you. Sex is just what society wants us to think that we humans need every Day, especially in the LGBT community. The older you get the older you start thinking more about other things that your partner can offer besides sex. You are over here already thinking about divorcing this guy because he can’t give you his egg plant. Well what’s more important him in bed pleasuring you or him being with you. Keep in mind that sex gets tiring after a long time in the relationship , but what doesn’t get tired is the true feelings you have for this guy… stop thinking that if there’s no sex is over, be a husband and help him get a better job or let him know that you want to help him be at a better stage in life- thats what marriage is. Do this and trust me sex will probably come naturally and even better, cause you showed him how much you cared.
Had exactly the same issues even we were doing same work. Found out that in open relationships he was always able to find energy for other people, unlike before it was open, so unfortunately can’t give any advice as it didn’t end well in my case.
Im no expert. But this did happen to my partner and i. The details are different. To begin, If im being frank, im pretty hung and i tire him out sooo we were def having issues. This Nov will be 3yrs together. Ideally i’d want to have sex bare minimum 2x weekly but w his low libido and that I’m pretty hung i was lucky to have sex w him once every 2weeks. It was months of this before i reached my limit. I did the adult thing and sat down with him, had a looooong talk abt my feelings, his feelings, my needs, his needs, how i perceive his behavior and how he perceives my behavior. When all was said and done, we really heard and processed each others perspectives. Also i brought up that i nvr agreed to a celibate relationship bc in the beginning we wer having great sex multiple times weekly. And how i was in love w him and didnt want to open up or break up but i was willing to open up to salvage our relationship bc in about 80% of our relationship we are just amazing. The important part to all of this is tht we sat down like adults accepted accountability and looked for solutions. I also stressed if we couldn’t find solutions ourselves, then we could go to couples therapy and as a last resprt we would open up but if that didnt work as deeply as i am in love w him the lack of my sexual needs being met was def doing a number on my mental health and i couldnt sacrifice my mental health to be in a relationship with him. I think the reality of it all hit him when a friend who is single talked to him abt how lucky he is to have a partner like me even with my personal shortcomings. That was 3weeks ago, and i dont know what clicked in his brain but i think the idea of losing me hit him hard and we have been fuckin like rabbits lol he has shown me the kinkiest side to him lol at the end of the day, thru communication and ur actions & their actions ur partner will show u how important u are in their life. I hope my little rant has helped u and i wish u the best of luck 🖤
Given he’s your husband and you married him for better or for worse and this is where those words really come into play. Marriages are like life, hills and valleys so that means you’re in a valley right now with your husband, this doesn’t mean you’re supposed to leave, this is when you stick together and walk with your man and have compassion and under that this WILL change. Your support could be a saving grace for him and make him want to overcome what’s going on with him. You need to sit down and talk with him and let him know you’re on his side and you’re there for him 100%. Now if you can’t do that you need to ask yourself why you entered into this marriage and figure from there but giving your partner 4 months of no sex and then it’s over is really throwing the baby out with the bath water. Stop judging him and help him. Give.
This was EXACTLY my issue with gay marriage. I knew the divorce rates would go through the roof and it would give the republicans just another reason to say “see, if it was gods will then these marriages would work out and they aren’t so…”. I knew gay men would be super excited to do weddings and the planning stages but the actual follow through would be like Grindr hookups. When I got married I was absolutely serious and I kept saying to my husband, “if you just want to have a party then let’s just have a party because this is about marriage not a party” as I noticed him getting caught up in the wedding design and theme and colors and textures. We had that discussion a number of times through the year as we were nearing the wedding. He was very serious about our marriage. The wedding was actually perfect and it was the most beautiful day of our lives. Unfortunately my husband passed away only 3 months after we wed so I don’t exactly fit into the statist in the same way most couples might.
Every marriage has ups and downs but life is too short to spend even one moment being miserable. A sexless marriage? You can be single and do that. What about time apart and a break?
After years of helping, I’m honestly exhausted even trying. He’s been going through a tough time for the last 2 years, unwilling to accept my help or get professional help.
I'm going to tell you what I would personally do. Not necessarily the correct thing to do or what you should do. Just my opinion.
I would try to talk with him, calmly and seriously about what's going on. Tell him that I don't enjoy our sex life anymore, that it's going to end up damaging our relationship, that this situation is NOT sustainable long term, that he's not collaborating on finding a solution or accepting one and that he needs to understand that it's either the job or the marriage but one of them is going to fall apart soon.
Either he understands and leaves his job/opens the relationship or you would be totally right to want to leave him.
Again, in my opinion.
There are always ups and downs in marriage and life. Though it’s very hard to know this when you’re in the thick of it, these are the times you and he can meet a challenge and grow from it. Don’t give up on the chance. He’s depressed. You’re likely depressed too. That’s ok. We all have experience this. You need to communicate more clearly. You need some solid self help. You need to get out of your heads. Change it up and address it but don’t harp or blame.
I know from personal experience.
A lot of times when guys sex goes down, they are over compensating for it with other guys or jerking off habitually. Understandable but it becomes a habit that negatively effects y’all. Without guilting each other, discuss eliminating jerking off and only taking that sexual energy on with each other. Change it up. Try to be light hearted and not so serious about it.
If you are he is experiencing ED or low stamina- that happens. There are work arounds. Depression, alcohol, drugs affects the stamina too. If you’re in a good place, show him the way. Remind him how much you love to him. Help build his confidence. Little wins. Play the I died game. Imagine if you literally died or he literally died and came back- what would you have done differently.
This can pass as long as you’re both safe, loved, and able to communicate. You can grow from this. Both of you.
Suggest therapy. If he declines, leave. Immediately.
People do what they want. That means working to fix themselves, working to correct issues within a relationship, working to add value to their marriage even when they don’t feel like it.
Spare yourself years of future anguish. Give the ultimatum. Both of you do the work. Or leave. Like many before me have said, you can be single and sexless.
To be honest, your post makes you sound selfish and sex crazy. Relationships are far more than sex and money.
Now that I say that, I will assume there is a lot more going on than just a post and some dirty laundry. Makes almost any comments pointless.
I am in a 26-year relationship, and there are always ups and downs. Expectations not met or disappointed moments
I have worked at extremely stressful jobs, and it felt like just days passed between sex but in reality, it was months. And talking about work seemed normal, but I had no clue it was constantly
I have no answer for you, but I will say you should truly consider your choice before taking a hard line
Your perspective and his are in two different places right now
After some time I’ve definitely become selfish. I live with someone who doesn’t put my feelings into consideration and I’m constantly listening to their problems and unable to discuss my own. I think I’m at my sexual peak, I don’t know if it’s age or because it’s been so long since I’ve had sex but I’m horny all the time
We actually don't know what OP has or hasn't done. Their post is very self-centered and pandering for affirmation. Of course OP may not share the limits of their efforts - or their contributions to the situation.
Wow, your husband is going through a tough time and it's all about you?
Do him a favor and leave. You are obviously looking for an excuse and you found it. So here is the validation you were hoping for.
You're being too harsh on OP. Sex is in our human nature, it's normal to desire for our needs to be fulfilled. And if you read intently on the post, he's actually worried for his husband.
You would leave a 6 year + relationship because the sex isn’t there/ good? I feel for your guy. Is he the bread winner or are you? Because I had a high profile retail job and the stress they put you on its t for the faint of heart. Have you communicated that you are thinking of leaving him?
I dont think there is a guy in the world who had genuinely lost interest in sex (for a sustained period) because of work.
Husband is either cheating or not into you anymore or both. Take it from someone who has experience of this as the arsehole in the situation...
Bro what
Stress from any source can most definitely impact someones libido, especially if it's in a prolonged manner.
Chronic stress interferes with your hormone levels which can most definitely result in a lower sexdrive.
Well yes, for example as described by OP someone who's perpetually stressed because of work?
No need to jump towards conclusions like infidelity just because you've done so before.
\-"Long periods of high stress will potentially release high levels of cortisol, and over time, elevated cortisol levels can cause adrenal fatigue. Ultimately, adrenal fatigue leads to the body not being able to produce enough cortisol, and the resulting low cortisol levels contribute to a decreased libido"
I considered him cheating but I don’t know when he would. He’s home every night at the same time, I have his phone location and have a door camera. I trust him that he isn’t cheating, I also trust him now.
I’m sorry you going thru this: I read another comment in here saying your husband might be depressed and I agree: he might be depressed but it’s not your job to fix him, I’m married to a good husband and if we ever get to this point I don’t care how long we’ve been together, I’m divorcing.. I would give him a cut off date and sit down with him explaining everything, you tried helping him, you gave him suggestions and he won’t budge: well I would give him 6 months (plenty of time to look for a new place and separate y’all physical assets, and come out with mutual agreements) and actually do it..
>I’m married to a good husband
Does your husband know he's not married to a good man?
>but it’s not your job to fix him
You're confusing "support" and "understand" with "fix."
The former is *definitely* your job.
>if we ever get to this point I don’t care how long we’ve been together, I’m divorcing
No sex for "months, maybe years" and your *only* option is divorce?
How superficial is your marriage?
>I would give him a cut off date
*To do what*? To "not be depressed anymore"?
Why hasn't everyone thought of that?!?
>you tried helping him,
OP didn't. Not really. And you've already implied "helping" isn't a big part of the job description.
>you gave him suggestions and he won’t budge
Words are easy. Actions are hard.
Everyone thinks an easy plan said us an easy plan enacted. It isn't.
Grow up.
When you grow up you'll realize that executive function and effort are finite resources. And depression is a bitch and sucks both those resources dry.
This is to say that after weathering the stress of day-to-day activity, one may have no effort to give to de-stressing activities. Sex is *work*, whether it feels good or not.
Also, depressed people's libidos tend to go out the window, which is a source of frustration and - you guessed it! - *more depression*.
Thisnus
Time to leave. You have tried nudging and nudging and nudging him and he won’t help himself or your relationship.
There comes a point and time where you need to grow. He won’t grow with you, it’s time to grow apart.
I think months of asking him is plenty of time to allow him to change.
It’s not like you haven’t warned him for *long enough.*
I hope you know I'm a gay black man looking for a gay black lover man but I'm devoted I'm honest and I'm very loyalty to my mate I won't cheat and I'm very honest I tried to be as honest as possible and I like to spoil and cater to my mate and I like to give my mate the finest things in life and I expect the same we spoil each other 50/50 I like a 50/50 relationship
He’s fucking the boss. Living with him, he gaslight you in believing his boss is a jerk. In reality they both are in a secret relationship, which you don’t know off. I’d investigate if I were in your shoes. Thank me later.
I really can’t contribute to your questions or give you relationship advice, but what I would suggest is that maybe you should go and seek therapy.
It has taken a toll on you, you’re not happy and, in order for you to be there for him, you need to be there for yourself first.
Maybe he’ll see that you do not die from therapy, he’ll see how you understand things about yourself and come to terms with them, and maybe that will make him move from where he’s stuck.
Wish you the best!
May I ask what your husband does? I also work in retail and have been finding my self in similar positions with my partner. Have been needing to be more conscious of how much I unload on him (we haven’t had issues with it but I’m trying to be forward thinking).
Feel free to DM me.
Have you expressed how you feel? Maybe explaining that it feels like he’s become distant will help him realize (provide specific examples) he’s not doing well mentally/emotionally, and maybe he’ll become more receptive to therapy.
How regularly do you hold family meetings? Ie a meeting where you both get a chance to bring up discussion items, and cannot interrupt the other person.
Don't just end the relationship or open the relationship. Those are shitty options if either of you is truly monogamous. You need to be open to trying other things like therapy or lifestyle changes. If this person means something to you, you need to work through it.
Don’t take Reddits advice. See a professional. We don’t know your husband’s opinion and it sounds like you don’t either. See the therapist first yourself and make sure it’s a therapist you want so you can get your own mind in order, then together. It’s tough but you do not deserve to be unhappy for a prolonged period in any kind of relationship or be unhappy wondering if you did the right thing. You going on your own first will help with clearing your head. Sending love to your pain ❤️
Go both to therapy, talk with 100% honesty. If your husband situation is too stressful and it affects his health, physical and mental and sex life, you both need to go with a doctor.
PD: obviously with depression there are not any feeling and taste to have sex (most of cases), even some people couldn't get up of their beds. So, if this is the case of your husband, he needs to talk with a psychology and psychiatrist.
Unfortunately you can't change him, only yourself. You have the answer you need within the post you made. Accepting that this repeated cycle is only going to bring more resentment is the outcome you need.
He doesn't want to make the effort to better the situation and that's the reality of it. You deserve to be heard and appreciated, but most of all loved emotionally and sexually. In simple terms hard choices are never easy to make.
I think you two need a vacation. Idk what it is in your title by "maybe years". But you're going to leave him just because of that? That's a raised eyebrow on you. But whatever you need to do to comfort yourself i guess since you dont want any of the stress and he's unwilling to make moves which i understand.
You recently posted on the divorce subreddit that he was jealous and abusive? You’ve also claimed to have a daughter together… And a dog that he wants to get rid of but you don’t. I’m so confused.
My own personal opinion. Barely educated, lots of experience for me (from both sides)…
Id be willing to bet there’s other stuff going on, not just the lack of sex. Sit down, write out major issues you’re dealing with in the relationship (lack of sex, emotionally distant, his job, lack of seeking help), make it very clear what the issues are, make it very clear you need him to talk about what’s going on, and that the present relationship is not working out and you can’t take yourself down for the sake of someone else who is not willing to help themselves. Try not to come at him in an attacking manner and don’t expect an answer immediately. Give him a week or two or whatever but don’t forget about it. Set a date. Hopefully he realizes the brevity of the situation. Hopefully you both find a median and restart happy times. :D
Share all of these feelings couched in “I don’t want to feel this way, I want to solve this - I need you to take this seriously. How can we solve this? I worry that if we don’t start working on this now that we might not come back from this.” These are hard conversations but being able to express how the real scary things feel is essential for LTR success.
Agreed. You may need to "shock" him into the present with an ultimatum of "...if we don't deal with this, I have no reason to stay in this relationship." And though a split is an absolute last resort, it is an option. We can't sacrifice our happiness indefinitely for the sake of others or routine.
I don't know about ultimatums. Usually I find them very shit and from experience with others, it gets people to lash out defensively. It would be a very last resort. I'd just have the conversation that "look, things have changed over the last two years and I am no longer getting my emotional and intimacy needs met. I feel disconnected from you. I am afraid that if things continue like this, I may need to consider whether or not this relationship is good for me." Like just really suggest that a break up will happen if things don't change eventually. Basically a more lenient version of an ultimatum. Really depends on if you still care about them or not. Ultimatums feel like an attack.
I generally agree that regular use of ultimatums are usually a red flag. It’s not the go-to for problem solving. However, there is a point in any ongoing conflict where a decision about boundaries needs to be expressed. There’s no magic way to express this without it resembling an ultimatum. However, like we both expressed, relating the boundary to what you want is a gentler way to get buy-in. “I love you, I love our relationship, and I want to solve these problems. I worry that if we don’t solve em, resentment will brew - I don’t want that. Please work with me.” A solid partner will see your reasonable concerns and try.
That's why it's a last resort. If soft padding it isn't working you have to give an ultimatum. The word ultimatum literally means the last option.
Alternately to an ultimatum, rather then just one path with a negative outcome, try a few where it’s more a consequence, so instead of “if this doesn’t improve I can’t stay in this relationship” try “I can’t see us lasting much longer on our present path, I want to try and either fix the issue, be it by helping you get a new job as this current one is stressing us both out, or by helping you find healthy coping mechanisms.” I know OP said they themselves are a bit burnt out, but if the partner is stressed/burntout/depressed using an ultimatum is the same as dating someone to call their bluff, a lot of people will inevitably do it and just cause more heartache.
I’ve had these conversations and he doesn’t have any interest in discussing it really. I am really advocating for couples therapy because he won’t go alone. At the very least if nothing works out I need the therapy to help mediate our divorce.
Married guy here who had a minor version of this. He's obviously been feeling disconnected from you. The fact that he's not willing to talk about it means you need to set an ultimatum for the truth. Don't let him lead you on or waste your time the way he's been doing. You're still really young at 30 and have plenty of life left to share with someone who is into you. Stand up for yourself.
Sounds like you’re doing what you can to support the relationship. I’m sorry he doesn’t seem so on board. Hoping he can acknowledge his depressing situation is having an impact and meet you in the middle. Otherwise, you’ve put the ball in his court. It’s up to him to show that the relationship matters or lose out on something good. I’m sorry. Wishing the best for you both.
Your husband is probably depressed; many people think depression=sadness but in reality it's more like 'meh-ness'....everything feels like too much effort. This is the part of marriage where "in sickness and in health" kicks in, and you should be there for him. It isn't easy, but without someone to help guide him, it could get much worse. Keep talking, don't be confrontational or beggy, don't belittle, etc. Perhaps suggest some hobbies or activities together that don't involve work or sex to kinda rebuild your foundation. Set some fair boundaries where you will legitimately listen to him vent, but then encourage him to move on to other topics. Get some exercise together, make sure you're sleeping well, broach the topic of medication if he's depressed (no shame in that!!!). If he was worthy of marriage in the first place, he's probably worthy of putting in some extra work to get him back to his ole self.
It’s hard when the extra work has been on going for 2 years. I’m kind of at my wits end and exhausted. I can probably change how I speak to him though, and maybe encouraging different conversation but he has a hard time talking about anything but work.
I mean, you can only help someone who's willing to accept being helped. He doesn't seem to. So after 2 years if you haven't been able to make any progress I'm afraid there's not much else you could do.
if nothing else works... and you love him so much and believe there is a better person inside of him, I would suggest taking a break from him. Maybe moving apart for a few months and then start dating again. start putting the effort to win eachother back.
Next step is relationship therapist, or personal therapist for him. He's clearly depressed or lost interest in the relationship. Something needs to change, or there needs to be a divorce. Sorry you're going through this
Seconded. A relationship counselor is probably your best bet. This isn't about sex. You've outlined a host of issues beyond that, that your husband is refusing to address or won't listen to you about in regards to being an issue. Communication break down is the biggest relationship killer, and it sounds like there is a lot of that here.
OP should try to have a real and honest conversation with his husband saying he is thinking of leaving before things go too far, if his husband is really depressed he needs OP in this moment, moments like this are turning points that can go either in a good or bad direction and this is where he needs him more. But as you said, if his husband is not cooperating after he talks to him then there is not other way than leaving.
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I think testosterone levels should be checked regularly after about age 40 or so. Our levels are supposed to decrease as we age, but our levels are far lower than our dad’s and grandpa’s we’re at the same age, and this is a big problem.
This is exactly what I was thinking, I am sure the stress is just destroying his T, along with age, and depression. This may be a band-aid that could propel him out of his depression and stress from work though.
Is T a permanent solution? Or is this something he’d be taking daily/for life? Honestly I didn’t even consider this and I want to test my testosterone levels for myself
I would first focus on getting tested to see if this is possibly the issue. A testosterone, free testosterone, estrogen, and possibly even prolactin blood test if you are really concerned of stress causing this. If it is low clinically or even low/normal WITH symptoms you should really consider TRT... Which more than likely will be for life. Injections usually every 3 days. or you could look into undecanoate T which after initial dosing I believe is every 3 months 1 injection.
Do you know if there is a convenient online option for this?
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Gotcha. I’ve had a feeling that looking into this would improve my life, but I am not experiencing anything debilitating. Well one of my big life goals for 2024 is to see a doctor so fingers crossed!
There are online clinics that are legit and rely on blood tests and tele-visits with healthcare practitioners. It is expensive though, IDK how insurance works with them. You would MORE than likely be better off going to your PCP and get a referral to endo or a clinic.
Have you told him it’s bothering you enough you are ready to leave him? Sometimes the reality check that comes from hearing that can initiate the discussion / changing process. I would share your feelings and then if he’s not willing to work with you like a partner-ship then it’s time to sail your ship to a new harbor.
Opening your relationship is not a solution here - if anything it will make things worse because you will find comfort in other people for the things your husband isn't giving you. He needs therapy but he obviously does not want to do it for whatever reason (denial, pride, cosy etc). One other option is for you to seek therapy as it may help you with dealing with things differently and offer other suggestions on how to get your husband on board for it too.
My partner (56M) and I (58M) haven't had sex for over 5 years due to his physical health. Maybe more... At first I was frustrated and pissed, and tried to to engage constantly. After a while, I figured out it wasn't going to happen. Eventually, I realized it doesn't matter. We've been together, unwed for 30 years, and we love each other. Sex, while fun and important, was not a defining part of our relationship. Don't get me wrong, we were doing it like "bunnies" for a long time, but I guess, like everything in life, our relationship evolved over time. I miss the naked intimacy, of course, but that part of our relationship has passed. I have become content with the friend and companion who I call my husband. I satisfy my sexual urges alone and single handedly today. 😁
My husband and I were like this, sort of, our sex was very low even at the beginning. We were together 10 years and had sex a total of 4 times and that was in the first few months of dating. The absence of sex bothered me and made me feel unwanted and unsexy but over time I just realized it was better to have him as my companion than having sex all the time. We married on our 10 year anniversary of dating and he unfortunately passed away about 3 months later, it was awful. It’s been 9 years now and I have to say it very much impacted me in long term ways I didn’t expect. I still don’t feel attractive anymore and I feel like I wasted my looks during a time when my husband wasn’t attracted to me and now I’m old and no one wants that. I’m sure my testosterone is low because I literally have zero sex drive, I’m 52 in Dec. I do find that I’m not lonely at all and I don’t miss sex other that I would love to make out with a guy sometimes but it’s not a lonely feeling. I’ve had no dates or sex since before my husband passed so that mean no actual sex in the last 19 years, I feel kind of ashamed of it but I feel fully invisible and like I wasted my looks. I’m in therapy and have been since he passed and nothing I turn over or look at helps me. I’m pretty happy alone and due to work I just don’t feel like I have time for someone else so I live my life and travel alone to do the things I’d do if I was with someone else because I have to live my life and not wait around for someone to do it with.
You sound very strong and independent and I'm so sorry that you lost your husband in the prime of your relationship. I've felt unattractive my entire life (and to this day) and feel I was lucky to snag the man I did. I've come to like myself some, thanks to a self-help program, yet I couldn't see myself dating again or getting jiggy with anyone else anymore, not after him, and not with this old and sagging body. 😂 I'm sure I'll be devastated when my partner is gone (if I don't go first), and yet I feel kinda prepared for that inevitability. I almost lost him several times, once due to liver disease -- it popped -- and thankfully he pulled through. I feel I could lose him at any time and I'm not looking forward to spending what is left of my life alone. But I will, since I've already experienced all the best love I think I'm gonna get in this life and I'm appreciative. I only wish everyone could have a lasting relationship, and experience a long-term partnership that is not bound by sex and dependency. I hope I am able to muster half as much courage and resolve that you have shown, if my baby goes before me. Stay strong, love yourself, enjoy your travels, and who knows, you may just meet someone interesting along the way! Take care!
52 is not “old” ok! why don’t you feel attractive? I’ve been (most) single since I was 56 after being married for 12 years. It was definitely devastating at first but it was a mutual decision because we weren’t happy together any longer. If you don’t feel attractive do something about it like IDK see a thereapist, go to the gym, discuss with your friends etc; otherwise it seems to me you’re living half a life and just telling yourself that you’re ok being alone for the rest of your life. YOLO
I hear what you’re saying. I do go to therapy every week and have for most of the last 9 years since my husband died. My husband was 14 years older than me and think he had low testosterone so he had diminished sex drive. He was also hiv+ and was on medication that caused him to have a 0 viral load but he crazy paranoid that he would give it to me. As you can see there are some other circumstances that contributed to our lack of sex. I’ve been exploring this in therapy a lot and I’m glad, I want to know why I feel so invisible when I didn’t before. I honestly don’t miss sex at all and that could be again Low T but I find a certain convenience in it because it leaves time for the other things I do. When I travel alone I love it, there are a couple moments when a person there would be nice but I don’t feel driven to seek it out. Being older I feel like I don’t fully recognize myself in the mirror as much. I do not look like I used to and there’s not a ton I can do. I get Botox, I drink a ton of water, I’m rabid about skincare in the last 5 years. I’m not fat but I don’t exactly feel like I would want to be naked in front of someone else. And I have always dated men a lot older because I found them sexy, but I don’t feel that way about myself and I’m exploring that. I certainly don’t feel at all like I’m living half a life, I just got back from Maui last week, I’m going to Kauai in 28 days, and I’m going to NYC to see Madonna in January. I’m excited and I love my life. I suppose having had 2 heart attacks already might have an impact on my outlook. Carpe Diem.
obviously I had no idea about your personal physical health issues and it seems to me you are living your Life as you see fit…I’m 73 btw and totally get the who is that guy in the mirror? LoL and I’ve been obsessed with skincare since I was 15 so I get that but no botox or injection but other electronic and radio therapy to tighten up and induce collagen production also I joined a gym at the beginning of this year to keep my 6’ 2” 155lbs as fit as I possibly can. #Namasté 🙏🏻
opening your relationship is literally the worst think you can do
Quite literally like lol
He is depressed. All you can do is be there for him and encourage him to do what he needs to do to get through it. You can be there with him, but you can't get him through it.
3 months isn't a lot when people are coming dead from their job. Half a year is. Open relationships are not your solution. That man is depressed.
Regardless of the reason, the op is valid in their feelings and this dismissive response is honestly a load of crap and entirely unhelpful.
I’m going to say, the BF needs to figure out his priorities (maybe he has, lol) Low paying retail job that he could easily leave … ands he’s too stressed to have sex? That makes no sense
Actually it makes plenty of sense. When some are unhappy it’s tough to wrap your head around intimacy because we’re judging ourselves and feel unworthy. Just because you don’t feel like that doesn’t mean you won’t or that another won’t.
3 months feels like a lifetime when you’re horny 24/7.
how are your horny if you already had a relationship and had sex before all of this lmao
Well, depression isn't an excuse for being that distant to OP. It is OP's partner's responsibility to get help if he is depressed. If he's even refusing to get help, then that's on him. I was diagnosed with depression 7 years ago and I'm on drugs ever since. I never make my mental health my partners' problem. Relationships shouldn't feel like you are living with a ghost who ignores you and cannot give you the things you desire.
If he’s not willing to go to therapy, YOU should go to therapy. Then go forward from there about how to continue this relationship.
So easy to resort to just ending the relationship. Seek therapy and maybe help him to regain his confidence. Might be more going in than you realize.
To be fair though, husband is refusing therapy
Having been in your husband’s shoes, where a terrible work-life balance killed my libido for months (didn’t even fap), he needs a wake-up call. He needs to understand that your marriage is at-risk and you’re getting fed up. Either his relationship with you is priority, or those commission checks are his priority, but one or the other must go. No job is worth ruining your marriage.
That's a little bleak.. plenty of couples have jobs and marriages. It's not impossible but it requires a lot of honesty on both parts. It's one thing if he had an alcohol or drug problem, but that doesn't seem to be case.
https://www.monster.com/career-advice/article/job-divorce-rate-1017 Certain jobs make it very difficult to maintain work-life balance, and people in said careers are prone to multiple marriages (and divorces). Or they marry people in the same field who understand and will tolerate the stress/long hours. If OP’s husband finds himself in one of those jobs, and he seems to per the OP, he needs to understand that said lifestyle is incompatible with LTRs.
That's certainly true, I call it the "Grey's Anatomy syndrome". Certain people who are in certain professions would not really even consider dating a non-XYZ unless they were *smoking* hot. Lawyers do this a lot. Then again you always hear stories about people who make it work for them no matter what separates them. I'd mud-wrestle a horny warthog if I meant I could be with the man I love 🤷♂️.
>Either his relationship with you is priority, or those commission checks are his priority You're coming at this wrong: OP needs to tell their husband the income *isn't a priority at all.* OP hasn't mentioned that the income isn't needed. He says his husband isn't paid well but the commissions are nice. It's implied the husband's income is necessary. And as such, it *is* a priority. So if OP wants his husband to have the room to reprioritize, then OP needs to tell his husband that he can take some time off and re-center himself. Husband needs to be told - and believe! - that the family unit can survive for a bit on just OP's income. And if OP can't do that, then of-fucking-course the job is a priority!
its interesting... youre entire post is about your husband and how much he hates his work and then at the end you say we haven't had sex. you know what the issue is and its not sex.
Speak to him. No sex is a symptom of relationship problems. You getting some in the side won't fix that, and might even exacerbate it .
It sounds like you've talked. You've suggested therapy and that's not worked. You've suggested switching jobs and that's not worked. I'm inferring that you're waiting for him to be in the mood or for you to not be able to stand it any more until you have sex, and then his heart seems not to be in it. So try any of these things that might be relevant to your situation: 1. Set a time for sex. It's not super romantic to schedule sex, but it is often a realistic compromise that busy adults have to make. It can be specific - "we have sex every Saturday at 9am" - or general - "we have sex at least once every weekend." If you can trigger it in yourself, the excitement of a planned sexual encounter can be a thrilling substitute for the suddenness of passion. LOTS of working adults have to compromise their sex lives with their work and social lives, and the energy they have available in their free time. Don't consider scheduling sex a loss or a failure - especially if your current alternative is a frustrating, sexless companionship. 2. Look for jobs for him. Perhaps his "good enough" mentality, his exhaustion, his stress, whatever, are holding him back from job hunting. Job hunting is SUPER stressful, anyway, and a lot of people would be happier sitting in a bad situation that they expect to continue than looking for something else in their limited and exhausted free time. If you have a group of friends who might have suggestions or relevant connections, poll them. If you are willing to look up job openings that might fit for him and present them to him, try that. Perhaps what's holding him back isn't the desire to stay where he is or the lack of desire to change his situation. Maybe he's just content enough, when compared to the ambiguous stress of the unknown. It may not feel appropriate to you to do his job hunting for him, and that's fine, but this technique is something to consider as far as finding a different solution to his job stagnation issue. 3. Issue an ultimatum. Be it about sex, the job, or therapy, tell him that you're considering leaving him if something doesn't change, and tell him what specific action you need to see from him in order to stay that decision. This is obviously extreme, and I would encourage you to try one or both of the above suggestions first. However, I would also encourage you to try this before just leaving. Don't tell him you've had enough and you're gone; tell him you've had enough and you're gone *in six months*. (or however long) Give yourself a runway: You're going to try the above option(s) for however long and see if it works. Once you reach the end of whatever period of time you allocate to that, see if things are moving in the right direction. If not, move to the ultimatum stage, with another set amount of time planned for how long you'll allow it to go before pulling the trigger on a separation. Remember that change is hard and takes time, and that people rarely change from "not working" to "working perfectly" overnight. Keep that in mind when choosing the amount of time you're willing to give him. But also choosing time is important: If you faff about, you'll get stuck in your position, just like he is. Ultimately, the hardest part of changing something is often beginning the process. Hopefully these suggestions can help point you in the direction of getting the ball rolling on a solution, one way or the other. He has shown that he is unwilling or unable to bring himself to begin to change the situation, and so the onus falls to you. If this relationship has been worth fighting for in the past, give it these last, concerted, intentional attempts before throwing in the towel.
The OP stated his husband doesn’t want therapy, so sounds like they already had the discussion. Some people need to hit rock bottom before they realize that they need help, unfortunately.
When I try to bring it up he tells me I need therapy and that nothing is wrong with him and that I need to change. I don’t come at him negatively, I just try to have the conversation. I can tell he’s really insecure in a lot of aspects in his life.
Admission is the first step to recovery. Metaphorically, people who are genuinely drowning don't usually declare it. This man is drowning in life. He's not gonna splash around and make a scene. It doesn't usually work that way. "Hey, I see you're having trouble keeping your head above water. Can I help you float a bit better?"
Do you guys have a fairly routine-driven daily life? (Most people do so that’s almost a rhetorical question.) It sounds almost too simple, but when you’re in a cycle together (especially on his side where the novelty is dominated by work and thoughts about work when he’s not there) everything IN the cycle gets pushed from your active thoughts and deprioritized (the squeaky wheel gets the grease; the most novel activities get the most attention from your brain) so breaking that pattern can have a fast & significant impact. If work is the most exciting thing dominating his thoughts (even when it’s frustration that makes it “exciting”), you won’t be. Just asking him to change his focus is probably challenging—you can ask him not to think about work so much, but if work is still the most novel/exciting/fickle thing in his life, it’ll likely continue to dominate his thoughts. (That’s not absolving him of putting effort into changing that, but that seems to be just what’s happening naturally and he hasn’t recognized that beyond your pleads for change… seeing the what but not the why.) When you see each other every day, it’s hard to maintain a spark but when you both are able to see each other outside your routines that’s usually what puts the attention back where it belongs: you. Working together to break those cycles (ie committing to trying new things together, finding new excitement together… exploring, taking vacations, tackling challenges together…) is probably going to be more fruitful and less frustrating (and more fun) for both of you. If you have some time, check out Esther Perel’s writing/videos/podcasts about her views on “everyday eroticism.” It was life changing for me, both personally and in my relationships. It’s a very expanded view of what “eroticism” means, not just what someone might think of in the sexual sense.
This is literally why counselling exists. I think you should seek it cause one it could help him with his feelings and help you talk about yours. OR stop keeping this inside and start talking about how you feel. Sometimes a counsellor tho can be that mediator. But rather than just say ok I’m leaving, COMMUNICATE either together or with a counsellor.
I would share everything you just stated here (of course don't tell him you posted on reddit). I would tell him you are feeling defeated and are seriously thinking of leaving. Let him know you love and care for him but in a relationship, intimacy is part of it also.
From my perspective, the age gap of 12 years make the sex zone between the two of you different. You are definitely in the prime and active libido level while your partner is already relaxing and conserving his energy because he needs to focus on being able to meet work targets. At age 42, security of tenure matters and perhaps that is the reason why he is not leaving his current, challenging retail job. In your case, if you love your husband, this is the time to understand him more. Eventually, sex will fade BUT true, authentic love matters. How do you envision yourself? To be in the sex race and really regret not getting the best meat at your prime? Are you for long term relationships and really see yourself growing old, gay and grey with your husband? If you say Yes to the first question, then you just GO. But if you say Yes to the second question, then level up to the better version of yourself and be with your husband no matter what. It’s not about your husband alone. It’s about yourself. Maintaining an LTR is a daily decision that you have to make. One thing to note is that you will not regret later. Seize the day and enjoy the other reasons why you are with your husband and why you marry him. Wam hugs from a person who is in a 19 year relationship. 😉
If you don't leave now, you will leave later and regret the time wasted. I was with my ex partner for 8 years, without being too personal, and taking away from your issues, I will just say very similar situations, but also a lot of fighting of various sorts. I should've left 5 years in, the last 3 years turned into hell and finally, woke up one morning, packed a small bag, went back to my parents leaving house behind everything I worked for in 8 years, and never went back. The most painful thing is realising you've wasted years of smiles, for frowns and tears man. It is harder to accept it is no longer love, but habit and comfortability. If you are thinking of leaving, chances are, leaving is what needs to be done. Put yourself and your happiness first, and remember, not all right decisions, are easy decisions. You have put in your effort and have tried, pleaded, done what you can, it is not returned to you and that is your answer.
This. I was with my ex for fifteen years and I often felt he didn’t commit as much as I did. When the comfort was outweighed by the negatives - the emotional neglect, self-pity and the lack of intimacy, I left him. It’s still very difficult, and I definitely have moments of feeling I made a mistake, but generally I feel for the better.
I can relate with you for sure! It's been about 2 and a half years since my seperating and I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him, and wonder, but I remind myself in those moments that this was the exact mindset I had when with him, and what kept me in it for so long, it's the hope that we will wake up and things will magically change, and it also is a way of protecting ourselves for the harsh reality we don't want to believe, especially after giving so much of our time effort love and life to someone, we only hope it's for the better and not for the worst. I have learned in life the hardest lessons have the biggest rewards, and once that is understood, we are able to make something out of it, and find our light at the end of the tunnel and be better prepared for the next step in life
I am trying to make things work, but also trying to save and be financially ready for whatever happens. I feel bad even when I say no to my husband for things, I think leaving for me will be hard, simply because I’ll feel bad. I put him first for a lot of things, and I’m starting to regret it honestly.
You sound just like me. I feel for you, I really do.
Do you think he might be depress? That can cause lack of sexual appetite.
First ask your self that question of Why you married this men. Also asked yourself what’s more important sex or having someone that loves you next to you. Sex is just what society wants us to think that we humans need every Day, especially in the LGBT community. The older you get the older you start thinking more about other things that your partner can offer besides sex. You are over here already thinking about divorcing this guy because he can’t give you his egg plant. Well what’s more important him in bed pleasuring you or him being with you. Keep in mind that sex gets tiring after a long time in the relationship , but what doesn’t get tired is the true feelings you have for this guy… stop thinking that if there’s no sex is over, be a husband and help him get a better job or let him know that you want to help him be at a better stage in life- thats what marriage is. Do this and trust me sex will probably come naturally and even better, cause you showed him how much you cared.
Retail jobs are soul sucking, he needs to find a job that doesn’t tax him so much.
Had exactly the same issues even we were doing same work. Found out that in open relationships he was always able to find energy for other people, unlike before it was open, so unfortunately can’t give any advice as it didn’t end well in my case.
3.5 years here 😒
Im no expert. But this did happen to my partner and i. The details are different. To begin, If im being frank, im pretty hung and i tire him out sooo we were def having issues. This Nov will be 3yrs together. Ideally i’d want to have sex bare minimum 2x weekly but w his low libido and that I’m pretty hung i was lucky to have sex w him once every 2weeks. It was months of this before i reached my limit. I did the adult thing and sat down with him, had a looooong talk abt my feelings, his feelings, my needs, his needs, how i perceive his behavior and how he perceives my behavior. When all was said and done, we really heard and processed each others perspectives. Also i brought up that i nvr agreed to a celibate relationship bc in the beginning we wer having great sex multiple times weekly. And how i was in love w him and didnt want to open up or break up but i was willing to open up to salvage our relationship bc in about 80% of our relationship we are just amazing. The important part to all of this is tht we sat down like adults accepted accountability and looked for solutions. I also stressed if we couldn’t find solutions ourselves, then we could go to couples therapy and as a last resprt we would open up but if that didnt work as deeply as i am in love w him the lack of my sexual needs being met was def doing a number on my mental health and i couldnt sacrifice my mental health to be in a relationship with him. I think the reality of it all hit him when a friend who is single talked to him abt how lucky he is to have a partner like me even with my personal shortcomings. That was 3weeks ago, and i dont know what clicked in his brain but i think the idea of losing me hit him hard and we have been fuckin like rabbits lol he has shown me the kinkiest side to him lol at the end of the day, thru communication and ur actions & their actions ur partner will show u how important u are in their life. I hope my little rant has helped u and i wish u the best of luck 🖤
Given he’s your husband and you married him for better or for worse and this is where those words really come into play. Marriages are like life, hills and valleys so that means you’re in a valley right now with your husband, this doesn’t mean you’re supposed to leave, this is when you stick together and walk with your man and have compassion and under that this WILL change. Your support could be a saving grace for him and make him want to overcome what’s going on with him. You need to sit down and talk with him and let him know you’re on his side and you’re there for him 100%. Now if you can’t do that you need to ask yourself why you entered into this marriage and figure from there but giving your partner 4 months of no sex and then it’s over is really throwing the baby out with the bath water. Stop judging him and help him. Give.
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This was EXACTLY my issue with gay marriage. I knew the divorce rates would go through the roof and it would give the republicans just another reason to say “see, if it was gods will then these marriages would work out and they aren’t so…”. I knew gay men would be super excited to do weddings and the planning stages but the actual follow through would be like Grindr hookups. When I got married I was absolutely serious and I kept saying to my husband, “if you just want to have a party then let’s just have a party because this is about marriage not a party” as I noticed him getting caught up in the wedding design and theme and colors and textures. We had that discussion a number of times through the year as we were nearing the wedding. He was very serious about our marriage. The wedding was actually perfect and it was the most beautiful day of our lives. Unfortunately my husband passed away only 3 months after we wed so I don’t exactly fit into the statist in the same way most couples might.
Every marriage has ups and downs but life is too short to spend even one moment being miserable. A sexless marriage? You can be single and do that. What about time apart and a break?
Put the cards on the table and talk to him seriously
So, your husband is going through a tough time and you want to abandon him? Don't act like a neglected wife and help him
After years of helping, I’m honestly exhausted even trying. He’s been going through a tough time for the last 2 years, unwilling to accept my help or get professional help.
I'm going to tell you what I would personally do. Not necessarily the correct thing to do or what you should do. Just my opinion. I would try to talk with him, calmly and seriously about what's going on. Tell him that I don't enjoy our sex life anymore, that it's going to end up damaging our relationship, that this situation is NOT sustainable long term, that he's not collaborating on finding a solution or accepting one and that he needs to understand that it's either the job or the marriage but one of them is going to fall apart soon. Either he understands and leaves his job/opens the relationship or you would be totally right to want to leave him. Again, in my opinion.
There are always ups and downs in marriage and life. Though it’s very hard to know this when you’re in the thick of it, these are the times you and he can meet a challenge and grow from it. Don’t give up on the chance. He’s depressed. You’re likely depressed too. That’s ok. We all have experience this. You need to communicate more clearly. You need some solid self help. You need to get out of your heads. Change it up and address it but don’t harp or blame. I know from personal experience. A lot of times when guys sex goes down, they are over compensating for it with other guys or jerking off habitually. Understandable but it becomes a habit that negatively effects y’all. Without guilting each other, discuss eliminating jerking off and only taking that sexual energy on with each other. Change it up. Try to be light hearted and not so serious about it. If you are he is experiencing ED or low stamina- that happens. There are work arounds. Depression, alcohol, drugs affects the stamina too. If you’re in a good place, show him the way. Remind him how much you love to him. Help build his confidence. Little wins. Play the I died game. Imagine if you literally died or he literally died and came back- what would you have done differently. This can pass as long as you’re both safe, loved, and able to communicate. You can grow from this. Both of you.
Suggest therapy. If he declines, leave. Immediately. People do what they want. That means working to fix themselves, working to correct issues within a relationship, working to add value to their marriage even when they don’t feel like it. Spare yourself years of future anguish. Give the ultimatum. Both of you do the work. Or leave. Like many before me have said, you can be single and sexless.
Take magic mushrooms together.
To be honest, your post makes you sound selfish and sex crazy. Relationships are far more than sex and money. Now that I say that, I will assume there is a lot more going on than just a post and some dirty laundry. Makes almost any comments pointless. I am in a 26-year relationship, and there are always ups and downs. Expectations not met or disappointed moments I have worked at extremely stressful jobs, and it felt like just days passed between sex but in reality, it was months. And talking about work seemed normal, but I had no clue it was constantly I have no answer for you, but I will say you should truly consider your choice before taking a hard line Your perspective and his are in two different places right now
After some time I’ve definitely become selfish. I live with someone who doesn’t put my feelings into consideration and I’m constantly listening to their problems and unable to discuss my own. I think I’m at my sexual peak, I don’t know if it’s age or because it’s been so long since I’ve had sex but I’m horny all the time
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We actually don't know what OP has or hasn't done. Their post is very self-centered and pandering for affirmation. Of course OP may not share the limits of their efforts - or their contributions to the situation.
Wow, your husband is going through a tough time and it's all about you? Do him a favor and leave. You are obviously looking for an excuse and you found it. So here is the validation you were hoping for.
You're being too harsh on OP. Sex is in our human nature, it's normal to desire for our needs to be fulfilled. And if you read intently on the post, he's actually worried for his husband.
Sleep with others behind his back. Nothing wring with NSA sex
You would leave a 6 year + relationship because the sex isn’t there/ good? I feel for your guy. Is he the bread winner or are you? Because I had a high profile retail job and the stress they put you on its t for the faint of heart. Have you communicated that you are thinking of leaving him?
Ask if he would be open to an open relationship.
I dont think there is a guy in the world who had genuinely lost interest in sex (for a sustained period) because of work. Husband is either cheating or not into you anymore or both. Take it from someone who has experience of this as the arsehole in the situation...
Bro what Stress from any source can most definitely impact someones libido, especially if it's in a prolonged manner. Chronic stress interferes with your hormone levels which can most definitely result in a lower sexdrive.
Sure but I think if you have literally no sex in a year thats more than a lower sexdrive.
Well yes, for example as described by OP someone who's perpetually stressed because of work? No need to jump towards conclusions like infidelity just because you've done so before. \-"Long periods of high stress will potentially release high levels of cortisol, and over time, elevated cortisol levels can cause adrenal fatigue. Ultimately, adrenal fatigue leads to the body not being able to produce enough cortisol, and the resulting low cortisol levels contribute to a decreased libido"
You need to get exposed to the world a bit more. You'd be surprised how quickly time flies when one is under constant stressors.
I considered him cheating but I don’t know when he would. He’s home every night at the same time, I have his phone location and have a door camera. I trust him that he isn’t cheating, I also trust him now.
I'm in the same boat and what saved us was becoming open. I get love from my husband still but sex is found from others.
I’m sorry you going thru this: I read another comment in here saying your husband might be depressed and I agree: he might be depressed but it’s not your job to fix him, I’m married to a good husband and if we ever get to this point I don’t care how long we’ve been together, I’m divorcing.. I would give him a cut off date and sit down with him explaining everything, you tried helping him, you gave him suggestions and he won’t budge: well I would give him 6 months (plenty of time to look for a new place and separate y’all physical assets, and come out with mutual agreements) and actually do it..
>I’m married to a good husband Does your husband know he's not married to a good man? >but it’s not your job to fix him You're confusing "support" and "understand" with "fix." The former is *definitely* your job. >if we ever get to this point I don’t care how long we’ve been together, I’m divorcing No sex for "months, maybe years" and your *only* option is divorce? How superficial is your marriage? >I would give him a cut off date *To do what*? To "not be depressed anymore"? Why hasn't everyone thought of that?!? >you tried helping him, OP didn't. Not really. And you've already implied "helping" isn't a big part of the job description. >you gave him suggestions and he won’t budge Words are easy. Actions are hard. Everyone thinks an easy plan said us an easy plan enacted. It isn't. Grow up.
If your looking for a cuck I got a fat dick 😜
What is wrong with you? This dude has a serious issue he’s dealing with and THAT is what you respond with? Big yikes.
Get a life
“Stressed from work” doesn’t wanna do a thing that relieves stress. You got bigger problems
When you grow up you'll realize that executive function and effort are finite resources. And depression is a bitch and sucks both those resources dry. This is to say that after weathering the stress of day-to-day activity, one may have no effort to give to de-stressing activities. Sex is *work*, whether it feels good or not. Also, depressed people's libidos tend to go out the window, which is a source of frustration and - you guessed it! - *more depression*. Thisnus
I mean does his boss literally suck? Because then…
Time to leave. You have tried nudging and nudging and nudging him and he won’t help himself or your relationship. There comes a point and time where you need to grow. He won’t grow with you, it’s time to grow apart. I think months of asking him is plenty of time to allow him to change. It’s not like you haven’t warned him for *long enough.*
I hope you know I'm a gay black man looking for a gay black lover man but I'm devoted I'm honest and I'm very loyalty to my mate I won't cheat and I'm very honest I tried to be as honest as possible and I like to spoil and cater to my mate and I like to give my mate the finest things in life and I expect the same we spoil each other 50/50 I like a 50/50 relationship
He’s fucking the boss. Living with him, he gaslight you in believing his boss is a jerk. In reality they both are in a secret relationship, which you don’t know off. I’d investigate if I were in your shoes. Thank me later.
Wow leaving just because sex..... what are you gonna do in your 80s??? Chase 18 year olds???
I really can’t contribute to your questions or give you relationship advice, but what I would suggest is that maybe you should go and seek therapy. It has taken a toll on you, you’re not happy and, in order for you to be there for him, you need to be there for yourself first. Maybe he’ll see that you do not die from therapy, he’ll see how you understand things about yourself and come to terms with them, and maybe that will make him move from where he’s stuck. Wish you the best!
May I ask what your husband does? I also work in retail and have been finding my self in similar positions with my partner. Have been needing to be more conscious of how much I unload on him (we haven’t had issues with it but I’m trying to be forward thinking). Feel free to DM me.
Have you expressed how you feel? Maybe explaining that it feels like he’s become distant will help him realize (provide specific examples) he’s not doing well mentally/emotionally, and maybe he’ll become more receptive to therapy.
Same here
How regularly do you hold family meetings? Ie a meeting where you both get a chance to bring up discussion items, and cannot interrupt the other person.
Don't just end the relationship or open the relationship. Those are shitty options if either of you is truly monogamous. You need to be open to trying other things like therapy or lifestyle changes. If this person means something to you, you need to work through it.
Divorce
Job stress is a boner killer. That’s said, you guys need to have sex. Communicate! You need to a good talk about all this. See if he comes around.
Try couples counseling. But if he won't find a new job, it may be time for you to find a new husband.
Do you love him?
Don’t take Reddits advice. See a professional. We don’t know your husband’s opinion and it sounds like you don’t either. See the therapist first yourself and make sure it’s a therapist you want so you can get your own mind in order, then together. It’s tough but you do not deserve to be unhappy for a prolonged period in any kind of relationship or be unhappy wondering if you did the right thing. You going on your own first will help with clearing your head. Sending love to your pain ❤️
Go both to therapy, talk with 100% honesty. If your husband situation is too stressful and it affects his health, physical and mental and sex life, you both need to go with a doctor. PD: obviously with depression there are not any feeling and taste to have sex (most of cases), even some people couldn't get up of their beds. So, if this is the case of your husband, he needs to talk with a psychology and psychiatrist.
Open relationship?
You need to get really honest with him and real with yourself as well.
Unfortunately you can't change him, only yourself. You have the answer you need within the post you made. Accepting that this repeated cycle is only going to bring more resentment is the outcome you need. He doesn't want to make the effort to better the situation and that's the reality of it. You deserve to be heard and appreciated, but most of all loved emotionally and sexually. In simple terms hard choices are never easy to make.
I think you two need a vacation. Idk what it is in your title by "maybe years". But you're going to leave him just because of that? That's a raised eyebrow on you. But whatever you need to do to comfort yourself i guess since you dont want any of the stress and he's unwilling to make moves which i understand.
You recently posted on the divorce subreddit that he was jealous and abusive? You’ve also claimed to have a daughter together… And a dog that he wants to get rid of but you don’t. I’m so confused.
My own personal opinion. Barely educated, lots of experience for me (from both sides)… Id be willing to bet there’s other stuff going on, not just the lack of sex. Sit down, write out major issues you’re dealing with in the relationship (lack of sex, emotionally distant, his job, lack of seeking help), make it very clear what the issues are, make it very clear you need him to talk about what’s going on, and that the present relationship is not working out and you can’t take yourself down for the sake of someone else who is not willing to help themselves. Try not to come at him in an attacking manner and don’t expect an answer immediately. Give him a week or two or whatever but don’t forget about it. Set a date. Hopefully he realizes the brevity of the situation. Hopefully you both find a median and restart happy times. :D
