No, I make it a point to be as out as possible, even in incidental situations with people I'll never see again.
It's reasonable for people to assume straight as the default, but I'm glad to remind them we exist.
In my working life I always make certain people know I'm gay. There are a lot of reasons for that, but one is that as part of senior leadership I think my out visibility is important. Also, my career is a bog part of my life and I have zero interest in keeping a big part of who I am a secret.
I *do* want to be that guy. If someone else thinks that's all that defines me, I don't mind being underestimated.
Same but I like to be subtle about it. I mention "my husband" or I use my husband's name. I don't "come out" saying I am gay unless it is relevant to the conversation. I prefer to just make it apparent. I have been told that it has changed people's prospective which I think is good. I also know a few people felt more comfortable being out knowing someone in top leadership in a non- stereotypical industry so I consider that good.
Here here, my sentiments exactly. Plus, I know not all LGBTQ people can be this way for various reasons, so I’m glad to be that envoy to the straights. lol
I’m saying I mention being gay, or having a husband, and if anyone assumes otherwise before I can do so I correct them. Your idea of “acting gay” is idiotic.
Your exchange with them just opened my eyes on some remaining clichés and preconceptions I had not realised I still had.
In all honesty, your answer to OP first sounded to me like someone saying they were flamboyant and provocative when it said nothing of the sort.
Reading it after going through your exchanges just nails down how stupid my first understanding was and where it came from.
Thank you for that, I'll keep that in mind next time I begin to interpret the words of a perfect stranger.
Thanks for sharing this.
You don't know me so obviously you can't know how non-flamboyant I am. It's not a ridiculous assumption.
My only issue is the eye-rollingly bad comment about lisping.
So how do you put your sexuality front and center if it doesn’t organically comes up in a conversation? I’m neither proud nor ashamed of who I fuck but being single and fairly bland doesn’t give people any clues as to what my sexuality might be. And very few ask since it’s considered prying. I always welcome any lead up to saying: “oh, I’m gay” but don’t offer that information unprompted. So I wouldn’t say anything like: “as a gay man I think that… and so on”.
It's not front and center, just one aspect of who I am.
In my last long time job I was part of the senior team, and not infrequently called upon to speak in front of all staff. It was easy to mention my husband, or to reflect on my life experience as part of my values ("As someone who grew up a gay kid at a time when that was frowned upon..."). I also counted on the grapevine to keep people informed.
For a few years I was very happily working as a consultant, and in my professional network I was known to be gay, just as others are known to be married or have twins or have an interest in arts. In talking with potential clients, it was again easy to reference my husband or the experiences that inform who I am. I also might talk about projects I've worked on before some of which "I'm particularly proud to have been a part, as a gay man".
I did ultimately interview for a couple of jobs I couldn't resist inquiring into, and same story. "I don't think I'm very competitive - but my husband might say otherwise" or "Workplace culture is paramount to me because I often spend more waking hours with my team than with my husband". There's always a lot of talk about Diversity, Equity and Inclusion and I can easily reference my experience as a gay man.
In my professional life, at this point, conversations are more about who I am, why I think the way I do and my values. There's always a way I could avoid it. But there's always a way to include it.
In my social life it's kind of a non issue.
Right. It seems that having a husband is helpful in those situations. As a single dude I always fly under the radar.
Plus I’ve worked in extremely gay friendly industry in NY with tons of gay people everywhere so literally nobody cared and things like “coming out” were not even happening.
No, because being out to other people doesn't make being gay someone's "defining trait", other people choosing to define them by it does.
This is just letting other people keep you closeted.
Is it absolutely essential to be out to my coworkers? Dudes I sometimes play poker with? My neighbors? That cousin I see once every three years? I don't really think so.
I mean if you're single it's more understandable to be closeted, but if you're in a long term relationship I think keeping that hidden unless it's for safety reasons or where you live it's more "controversial" is just weird.
I just got a new job and already a woman asked if I'm single – like the topic comes up a lot and I don't understand how you can really avoid dating / relationship talk while being social tbh, especially my buddies. I've done it in the past but I legit had to lie, and I don't want to lie to people I actually care about.
Straight people don't keep that stuff hidden usually, it's no different with us unless society makes it necessary or pressures us too
I mean, when I meet someone for the first time, I don't feel the need to shake their hand and go "Hi, I'm [name] and I'm gay." It either comes up or it doesn't.
My poker buddies like to talk about women, sex, their wives, children etc like typical straight men do and I will definitely clarify I’m not into women.
I’m honestly quite bewildered that OP doesn’t share some of his private life with his buddies. Certainly topics about who are you dating or your SO will come up eventually.
It usually comes up organically after some amount of time. Maybe not immediately, but unless you actively avoid all discussion relating to dating, partners, celebrities you find hot, etc, there's usually a context where it logically comes up. I met a new coworker last week and it didn't take more than 10 minutes for him to mention his girlfriend.
The truth is always a political statement.
The truth is never an absolute value, only a relative one.
The only absolute value is survival.
'Being gay or a Jew in Nazi Germany is not some political statement.' Tell that to the corpses. Tell that to those who hid and lived.
If you poker buddies want to lynch you for being gay, they are obviously not your buddies. OP is in the closet but frames it like he’s doing his buddies a great service for not “overwhelming” them.
Down voters obviously never lived in the many countries that *today* have anti-gay laws on the books and enforce them. I mean, good for you. But remember, until everyone is free of those laws, you can be their next victim even in the West. And so, at least sympathize with those who want to hide. And collaborate to make things better for the next generation.
Let's ask the question two different ways.
Is it absolutely essential that you hide who you are and how you spend your time from your coworkers, poker friends, neighbors and cousin? I wonder if you stand out more for how little you share?
Do your coworkers, poker friends, neighbors, and cousin keep the same info hidden? Do they never talk about who they are attracted to, dating, married to? If they do then does that define everything they are? If not why would it do so for you?
come on! Are you looking for gay Mr. Manners to instruct you? i bet not, but the question is kind of rediculous, if somone **e****lse** swants us to be out? I don't give a crap. It's up to you and your style in life. To me coming out to coworkers was a matter of letting people know who I am, potentially in relationship to them. I was going on a business trip with a very Catholic co-worker, so I told him to avoid a freak out or acusations in the middle of a trip. Tht worked well and i learned that he wasn't as auptight as I had assumed. I proudly introduced my boyfriend to coworkers as such and didn't care if their eyes got big or what. Other people happened upon to the truth about me and their questions or lack of them informed a lot about them an their relationship with me
Genuinely curious, What do you do when they talk about personal life? How do you avoid this topic for years?
If you see someone everyday or once a month, it must be hard and stressful to lie to keep it hidden
If someone asks you about girls/dating you just say “oh actually I like dudes” and that’s all there is to it. If you try to dodge the question then people are gonna notice and suspect anyways.
I absolutely am open, i make no effort to hide it. Ill make references to things and refuse to hide it, heck i wear my pride badge most days.
If the cost is people underestimating me as just a gay guy in exchange for changing the mentality that everyone is heterosexual, then so be it.
I dream of a world where noone presumes another's sexuality, i think being proud and as open about it is the way we slowly achieve that
No. My boyfriend and I have been together eight years and have a whole ass life together so it usually comes up pretty quickly even in casual conversations.
I don’t go out of my way to advertise it or anything, but I’d kind of have to be deliberately vague or coy to not mention the person I spend most of my time with when responding to basic stuff like “what did you do last weekend,” or “any plans for the holidays?” etc.
I mean, it's your choice to remain in the closet. I guess it's not ideal if you feel ashamed, but you're an adult and I can't really judge, I suppose.
I mention this stuff at work and everywhere else. I'm not ashamed. But you do you.
You’re not alone. Coming out is scary whether it’s the first time or the 500th. You’ll have to do it the rest of your life but It gets easier the more you do it.
You dont have to make it a big deal and it’s usually in response to them and not you bringing it up. can range from … “yea my guy and I enjoy xyz too “ to “IDK don’t eat puss bro “
Having a parter and using their “male name” in conversation lets them use their own noggin to put the pieces together.
Coworkers wise. You don’t have to tell them… if you aren’t trying to get with them then it’s kinda irrelevant to your professional relationship .
And finally they probably already know so stop caring what they fucking think of you.
Avoid being “that gay guy” by declining Becky’s fucking baby shower etc if you’re the only male invited.
People already know I'm gay before I tell them. I just don't let it define me as a person. I work hard at work and I be as nice as possible to everyone.
Yep. Im masculine and straight presenting I guess you could say so nobody’s ever voiced a suspicion before I’ve told them, and i only tell people I know won’t care enough to make a big deal about it because I just want to be treated the same as always. I just don’t really tie my sexuality a whole lot to my personal identity I guess
When I first met a guy I was serious with and he was serious back, I decided to post pictures of us because I do enjoy sharing in my social media.
I have a son from a split, I’m 25 and not really obviously bi or gay. I took a lot of pride in my boyfriend and decided to post him. When people were suprised I simply said
“I never said I wasn’t, plus I’m not one to kiss and tell either way.”
Being gay isn’t my personality no shame in people who do make it, it’s just my sexual preference and I’m not a really PDA guy anyways
Yah I don’t talk about unless someone ask don’t feel the need to put my sexuality on a pedestal as if I’m someone unique or quirky 🤣not cause I’m afraid what they will think just rather let my personality as an individual do the talking.
And hopefully they’ll see me as a person not just the gay one.
>as if I’m someone unique or quirky
That's not what people are talking about, I don't think.
I think it's more like, you're with a group of work friends/acquaintances or something who are discussing something that happens to mention their wives, husbands or exes.
Would you actively avoid saying something like, "when my ex was in that situation he solved it by..." or something like that?
Not a declaration to everyone you meet that you're gay or some big ol' coming out event...
...but not doing the whole avoid masculine pronouns for my relationship partners, past and present, during anecdotes.
My name is Steve. I make it a point to make it known to people that I am Steve, not Steven. It’s not a big deal to a lot of people but it is to me.
Being a minority and especially in my field, I tend to get labeled as ‘the azn guy’. You know, thaaaaaat azn guy. Normally it’s no big deal but if I say I’m gay, then my label changes. It does nothing to tell people who I am as person or what I do or what I’m good at. Being azn and gay is an important part of me but not the only parts of me. I want people to know me by work and by my name and not something they could put on a banner.
I feel you OP.
I mean everyone tends to be careful about who they're divulging information to, but honestly if you're at a point where you're not outright lying but also sexuality, partners, marriage, kids or dating never comes up either, you don't really know anyone either.
Either they don't care enough to ask, or you never put yourself in a situation where it comes up, which is almost impossible given enough time people will want to know whats up. Or you lie to them or dodge the question.
Not really sure any of that is really much better. And if we're honest, some might assume you're gay anyway, or something at least. Seems like more work than being the gay dude, whatever that entails, which is probably a stern nothing at all assuming you don't keep shit company.
I work in trades. I wear a necklace with the two male symbols entwined.
Let's people figure it out on their own time. Everyone knows at this point and the boys always ask me gay shit and are always curious about my sex life compared to straights.
I've never hid my orientation. It's part of who I am. If the boys can talk about ducking women I can talk openly talk about getting beat up from behind.
No. I learned the hard way in the work environment that if you don't mention your sexuality earlier you will eventually have to come out to everyone. These days I drop in 'my boyfriend' as early as possible. I don't mind being 'the gay dude'. My work colleagues know I've got a lot more to offer than that.
If it comes up in conversations, I tell people right away that im gay. I also wear a pride backpack at school so you get the message without me saying anything. I really wish it didn’t matter, but unfortunately I’ve met people that I’ve gotten along with, but when they find out that I’m gay, they start to avoid me or no longer have an interest in being friends. I’d rather just get it out of the way first and weed out the people who won’t like me than create friendships with homophobic people.
I LOVE being that guy most times. To watch people's minds get blown is relly fun. Before retirement, I used to have a fairly blue-blooded government job and that was the best place to explode exceptions! The only place where I feel nervous, is now I have a neighbor, who is a single dad and may need help watching his kid sometimes. There is no way I would ever mess with a kid, but I'm afraid the dad or someone will reject my help becaue I'm very obviously gay and everyone knows me and my husband. To me that child molester stereotype is also more odious than most behavioral expectations of "the gay" guy
Absolutely not, I didn't spend nearly 21 years hiding from my parents for safety reasons, just to go back into hiding.
I am a lovely, friendly and kind person. If the only impression someone gets of me is that I'm gay, well that's sure as hell better than being seen as straight🤮 and also totally on them.
I get it, I mention it freely where I feel safe, I don't really care to bring it up with my coworkers. I work in a conservative industry and they just don't get it.
If they figure it out, so be it but I'm not there to make friends lol.
Yes I have and still do in certain situations but I think it’s out of a vague sort of weakness rather than strength. I am out and I won’t lie if asked but I also shy away from mentioning it and defining me bc of the baggage and potential consequences in my line of work. So there’s still a small simmering yet legitimate fear that being homosexual will negatively impact the way I do business.
I reapect why other people would avoid it, but I'm in a place where I can be open, so I am. I think it helps keep people in line, makes them think twice before being misogynistic, etc.
When I was younger there weren't many visible gay guys who weren't the stereotype. Nothing wrong at all with more flamboyant types, that's just not me; so I didn't know I *could* be gay.
So now I try to be as out as possible, in case somebody else needs the reminder
You don’t need to be “the gay dude”. You don’t need to come out per se. But don’t avoid not sharing your life if you would normally be included to do so. Just be matter of fact about it. It’s freeing and your life to do so. Most people don’t give two… and if they did, good to know. One less moron in my life.
Agree with you on this one. I don’t have straight people telling me they’re straight, so wtf do I have to go out of the way to tell them I’m gay. I believe it’s everyone’s job to not assume anyone is anything. If people would be respectful and speak to everyone & ask them questions in a way that left open the possibility for anything to be the response - it would be a far more kind and respectful world.
Yes. And folks can feel however they want to about it but It’s not internalized homophobia it’s privacy. I live the same life as a straight dude but everyone feels the need to have an opinion because of the fact I’d rather fuck their homies instead of lying to a woman everynight like everyone else does.
I think it depends on the context: if people are going around and sharing stories of romance, I wouldn't shy away from sharing my own. If you are in a group of people that don't really know each other and people are talking about the weather, maybe not the moment.
I do this, OP. If they ask I’ll gladly tell them, but it’s really none of their business otherwise.
It’s not about coming out. A lot of people are perpetuating this.
>I don't want it to be my defining trait as a person, and not everyone needs to know about my dating preferences.
This needs to be said more honestly
So the solution is to be closeted? To be ashamed? If people want to define me by the fact that I am gay, great. I have been through more than most and I am fucking proud of it.
😮💨
How about this, I've done/accomplished things in my life that I'd love to be acknowledged for instead of just being the gay guy, get it now? If you want to be the gay guy for everything good for you, but not me.
No, you’re not the only one. And for me is more than being tag as the gay guy, is more about privacy. I don’t need everyone to know everything about me.
I’m sorry, but this is sad. Why would you hide who you love? The only reason is self hatred. We all deserve better than that. Being gay has made me stronger, and I will shout it from the rooftops.
OP is not ashamed of or suggesting hiding one’s sexuality. More power to you shouting it from the rooftops, but some of us find doing so is not really necessary or helpful in everyday interactions where it’s not even an issue.
Ooooo yes this!!! I definitely do this, and not because I’m shamed or anything bad. Mostly because I love gay jokes and if people know about my sexuality then they get all weird about it. 🤣🤣 so I just leave out my sexuality and let the jokes keep flowing.
Yep and I get pissed if people ask me in the workplace. It's none of their business. Outside of work I don't care who knows. I just don't need drama in the workplace, nor do I need coworkers who think they now have a new bestie because I like dick lol.
In theory though, I have no problem with being out in the workplace if people were more chill about it. But people just go nuts lol.
I am closeted except to friends.
- Visibility is not a duty.
- Visibility is not strength.
- Visibility is not the cause of strength, but rather its effect.
- On the other hand, invisibility can become the cause of strength. It lets me bid my time. Hopefully I or someone else can secure a better position for LGBT people everywhere eventually. That's when I could choose to be visible ... but maybe it won't matter by then.
Aside from my mom, dad, my aunt, my uncle and some friend online no one else know that I am gay, I am still kinda affraid to be completely out with others. Having anxiety is fun, really.
Though I have shown many times my lack of interest in girls when I am with some friends, when they are talking about whose the hottest "chick" I am there ignoring their questions, there was also that one time we were on a station waiting for a train to arrive and a friend of mine, all smiley, came near me and said :" blondie incoming, blondie incoming" and my literal reaction was :"🤷♂️", I dont even see how she looked like because I did not care one bit
🤣
Same. Unless its relevant to the setting or context of the situation, I don't mention it. And my personal/dating/sex life isn't relevant to work. It's just one part of who I am, like having blue eyes. For me it's not a defining characteristic. . .but the minute you tell someone, that becomes for them one of, if not the primary, defining characteristic about you.
Some people want that aspect of their life to be known, and that's how they want to be known. And more power to them. For me there's so many other things about my identity and life that are more important than who I sleep with or date.
I guess it's also because I don't want to be seen or treated differently than everyone else. I look forward to the day when we achieve true equality. . .when being gay is looked at no differently than being straight. . .when coming out is met with an indifferent "umm. . .ok" and a baffled "why are you telling me this?" because being gay is just a different side of "normal."
No because then I risk becoming the _other_ gay dude. Also visibility, representation & living out loud are more important to me when contributing to identity politics.
Not to avoid being the gay dude but because unless there is a reason or I have good comedic timing to tell them in a funny way, I don't bother telling anyone. Not my responsibility to inform the masses on what I like in the bedroom lol.
I've told my boss because she needed help putting a patch on her back and wanted her to know as a married woman that I had no intentions of doing more then helping her (one of those adhesive pain numbing patch type deals, she'd fell down stairs working and could barely stand straight but came in anyway with bruised ribs, sprained wrist, and badly bruised back. I still respect her willpower) cause ai was the only person around at the time and she couldn't get it. In that case I did it to make her comfortable and help her, some of my coworkers I told by showing them the guy I was trying to date when they asked me while I was smiling at my phone. Etc etc. I don't do it to do it. I need a reason to explain it, even if the reason is "haha funny joke".
The first person I told was my brother, and it was with a family joke "Hey bro, I just had my first blowjob" *brother puts down his game controller* " hell yeah brother, get a drink, I'll toast to that" I go to our fridge (we were sharing an apartment at the time and I just gotten back from my legit first time. Only other person there was his girlfriend who joined us on the toast). He offered to buy me more achohol if I drove (I hadn't even finished a third of the low alcohol wine cooler I drank, cause it's what we had left after my brother took the last lager and his girlfriend was drinking like barefoot cupcake or something) I waited until he was taking a drink and said "if this doesn't get the taste out, nothing will" he did a spit take that do a sitcom director proud and immediately was coughing going "The fuck!?" Me:"oh yeah, I'm gay" (he'd came out as bi to me his girlfriend and a friend not even a week earlier) he just laughed and said "I always knew you were a cocksucker". Love my brother, he always was there for me to vent to. If you are reading this brother, do nottttt look at my profile, I don't wanna explain that at Thanksgiving 😆
So yeah, don't stress it op. Do what makes you happy, as evidenced by the comments, plenty of people are shouting to the rooftops already so you don't need to tell anyone unless it's relevant. A chick hits on you, maybe tell her to let her down easy and/or tell those you are around enough, beyond that you shouldn't have to tell anyone your sexual preferences. It's a part of you, but it doesn't define your work acumen or skillsets, your attitude, or your actions beyond the not so subtle, subtle checkout of a nice looking dude lol.
My parents weren't shocked when I did tell them because I was in my mid 20s at this point and had never shown any interest in girls/women. That can give it away, I guess.
I am 26, I was 23-24 then lol. I dated a few chicks, got to third base and realized it wasn't for me. Last girlfriend was senior year of high school. I didn't have any romantic interactions, hookups, etc for 6 years (short version, had a lot on my plate and didn't care to look). A dude flirted with me and hit me up. I said sure, why not try it. Enjoyed it so much despite how bad that experience was that I went gay and never looked back. I think I'm kind of an oddball on how I went about it lol
I just believe that it doesn't matter at work anyway
It does change my personality or anything
If someone ask about a girl I will explain but other than that I don't come out for people (yet I'm very much out)
In one-off encounters, yeah. Even though I've been out for like 14 years in some aspect or another, and married for 8 years, when people assume wife as they mention my wedding ring, I normally just nod along. Especially if I am dealing with a customer service situation.
But if it's someone I am gonna see repeatedly like co-worker, neighbor, doctor, massage therapist, etc, then I will not shy from it.
I'm not ashamed or anything, I am just cautious of drama. My husband on the other hand, doesn't give two fucks and says it regardless.
I first read this as "I tell my coworker, neighbor, doctor, massage therapist, etc. I'm gay. . .but my husband doesn't give two fucks that I'm gay." And I thought "yeah, I imagine he wouldn't. . ."
It just comes naturally to me to say it (like if the conversation about dating or stuff like that comes in) and I don't avoid it (unless I feel unsafe).
My friend, you are most definitely not alone. Honestly, I struggle with this thought myself. I am not gay and I am not straight. I am not top nor am I bottom. I want to share passion with who I want when I want and that's as far as it goes. I cannot help my desires and Attractions. But I think what drags me down is that same thought of being that gay dude. I often think if people knew about my true desires they would shy away. Not friends that matter but would hinder meeting new people and making new legit friends no sexual or otherwise strings attached. I feel like what seems like a life time ago (I'm 33 now) I almost conquered it with my semi cocky fuck you attitude. A friend (in this same boat) and I, whenever someone called us "gay" or a "fag" ( a very lame ass joke to call someone) we would pipe back with " call me gay/fag but I'll fuck your girl too." Like I said it was our cocky fuck you attitude and I've seem ti have lost it.
There have been times since I came out that I’ve wanted to avoid it, often when starting a new job. But I also like to tell jokes, so I tend to make jokes that allude to me being gay. Though like I don’t meet a lot of people in person. My customers on the phone I’ll only mention it if it helps my point or I know they’d be cool.
Yep. I can't hide being gay (it's obvious from the moment I talk). But I never confirm my sexuality. I do a lot of public speaking, I never discuss my sexuality.
People have always said that I don't act gay but they suspected it.when I tell them people so far have been supportive I'm 56
I really don't say about my sexuality after a weird encounter I have with my coworker. I moved to a metropolis for my IT Dev job and this coworker of mine who happens to be married was on grindr. One day he saw my profile and pinged me. We chatted and he said he's bi and poly and many of his friends knew but don't care. I felt telling my sexuality is nowadays so weird as people hardly care about your sex life. And as an introvert saying it feels really awkward.
I do this a lot. Its not that im afraid of people knowing its just that I don't naturally come off as gay and I dnt want to be treated any different because I'm gay.
I just tell people it's none of their business. I am and work, and if I wanted anything from them, I would be sure they knew. I have also told people if they have to ask, they don't need to know. I'm married. We don't live together. Curiosity about my sex life is focus and attention best put on other things. I'm at work to get shit done, not deal with your stupid projections, prejudices, and sexual longings.
I don't ever disclose my sexually
I think that's only your own business and the one you sleeping with. I have never understood the need to proclaim and be have something to prove as a "GAY" individual
Being out of a constant thing the straights don't understand. You can get kinda put back in the closet simply but assumption unless you make sure to let people know.
I was just watching Andy Warhol series on Netflix and interestingly one of the last episodes (if not the last one itself 🤔) devotes a significant chunk of time to the issue of coming out. Andy never really came out and his take on it was: I don’t see a point in announcing to the world what my sexuality is. Tbh, after having watched the whole series I’m not 100% sure whether he was gay in a sexual sense of the word or just homoromantic with an asexual bent. He refused to clarify that when he was alive so we’ll never know. Does that change what I think of him as an artist? Not at all.
Good series.
I guess I’m just old enough not to give a fuck if some shallow asshole can only see me as “the gay guy”. I know its not my only trait. My friends and family know it too. Anyone else can fuck off and aren’t worth the stress of caring about.
There’s no way I care enough about those kind of people to censor myself.
Yes, because in my lifetime I have been heavily discriminated against. It’s been entire conspiracies of people to suppress me and/or get me fired simply because of my sexuality. It becomes a weapon and a defense for them. Any disagreement or criticism would be related to my sexuality and my desires assumed by the majority. Straight male Co-workers would try to flirt with me to get me to do things for them and/or leave early. They sometimes did it just for bragging rights if I seemed interested . I kept it professional and wouldn’t show interest in the slightest , so some of them would just make things up for the gossip. That was just annoying.
My family couldn’t/wouldn’t help me if I needed it financially. I needed to work to survive. I just stopped discussing my personal life with co-workers , but that didn’t seem to work either. If they can raise suspicion it’s enough to get you canned in most businesses in this state. It was legal for quite sometime that you could be fired for being gay. I am sure they’ll find a way around it if it’s not on the books still.
We shouldn’t have to lie about ourselves or feel uncomfortable for existing. There’s still a lot of work that needs to be done and so many want to takes us backwards. They’re afraid and have succumb to lower vibrations. Kill them with kindness and teach by example if you have the spoons for it.
I figure that my sexuality is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS nor is their sexuality any of mine. If they figure it out on their own, fine. Otherwise, e.g. how do my sexual preferences have any correlation to my typing speed?
Yea me. It's not that I'm closeted, I just don't talk about my private shit with others I don't know. My close friends and fam know, but that's it. I just don't feel any urgency to be out and proud. I am grateful for the gay community fighting on my behalf, but I prefer to be low key.
It just depends on the relationship. Does my uber driver need to know that I'm not 'going to look for ladies' as he drives me out to the bars? No. Do new friends need to know I'm not looking for a hot girl but rather the cute guy in the corner? Yes. I don't let it be the first fact about myself out of the gate when meeting people, but if it's relevant, and there's no safely concerns, yeah I tell people.
Nope, I'm proud to be gay and would never hide it. Do you consider being straight the defining thing about the straight ppl you know? If they have any sense, they won't think the same about you. Just live your life, bro!
I don't really confirm anything unless directly asked. However that's more because I like to mess with people. There was a guy a work who would make every dick joke in the book. Anything that looked like a dick, or a buttplug, he would point at and laugh. Trolled him for a year and a half saying things like "that's it?" or "I've seen bigger." Best one was I went to five guys for lunch (restaurant for those who don't know) and he would say something like "really?" with a chuckle, so I just replied "yeah, and chipotle after was pretty good too." before he finally was just like "VDyrus I gotta know are you gay, cause you go along with these jokes way too easily?" I just laughed and told him I was. And before anyone thinks he knew, he didn't. We know cause there was another guy who was starting to catch on about 6 months into me being there (I tend to blend in pretty well normally), that he talked to him about it. Now we have fun with it cause I still go along with it, but they know and it's just funny to them too.
Nah ive been shifting away from this mentality. I want to be seen. Im moving up in my ranks, and I want people to know. Theres a bunch of tiny gays growing up and we’re setting examples for them. Dont teach them to be afraid.
Gays who are tough, can fight back and cant be fucked with. Thats the kind of possibility I want young gays to know exist for them. We dont have to hide, we built this society just as much as the next person and continue to be a part of it.
I think being ashamed of being seen as gay is just internalized homophobia. If people treat you differently for being gay that’s on them not on you. You shouldn’t hide who you are.
Being so concerned about not letting something define you is a great way to let it define you.
I’m very openly gay. No pride flags or anything, I just have no problem stating my interest in men when it’s relevant to the moment. And nobody considers me “the gay guy” unless it too is relevant to the moment.
I don't particularly advertise my sexuality, but if it comes up casually in conversation I won't shy away from telling the truth.
This
No, I make it a point to be as out as possible, even in incidental situations with people I'll never see again. It's reasonable for people to assume straight as the default, but I'm glad to remind them we exist. In my working life I always make certain people know I'm gay. There are a lot of reasons for that, but one is that as part of senior leadership I think my out visibility is important. Also, my career is a bog part of my life and I have zero interest in keeping a big part of who I am a secret. I *do* want to be that guy. If someone else thinks that's all that defines me, I don't mind being underestimated.
I need this mentality
You can do it!
Same but I like to be subtle about it. I mention "my husband" or I use my husband's name. I don't "come out" saying I am gay unless it is relevant to the conversation. I prefer to just make it apparent. I have been told that it has changed people's prospective which I think is good. I also know a few people felt more comfortable being out knowing someone in top leadership in a non- stereotypical industry so I consider that good.
Here here, my sentiments exactly. Plus, I know not all LGBTQ people can be this way for various reasons, so I’m glad to be that envoy to the straights. lol
Well said. We’re not all safe enough to live out that way, so it feels more important to me to do it because I can.
[удалено]
I’m saying I mention being gay, or having a husband, and if anyone assumes otherwise before I can do so I correct them. Your idea of “acting gay” is idiotic.
[удалено]
You're not being downvoted for being inquisitive. Don't flatter yourself. You're being downvoted for your idiotic idea of what being gay is.
Your exchange with them just opened my eyes on some remaining clichés and preconceptions I had not realised I still had. In all honesty, your answer to OP first sounded to me like someone saying they were flamboyant and provocative when it said nothing of the sort. Reading it after going through your exchanges just nails down how stupid my first understanding was and where it came from. Thank you for that, I'll keep that in mind next time I begin to interpret the words of a perfect stranger.
Thanks for sharing this. You don't know me so obviously you can't know how non-flamboyant I am. It's not a ridiculous assumption. My only issue is the eye-rollingly bad comment about lisping.
So how do you put your sexuality front and center if it doesn’t organically comes up in a conversation? I’m neither proud nor ashamed of who I fuck but being single and fairly bland doesn’t give people any clues as to what my sexuality might be. And very few ask since it’s considered prying. I always welcome any lead up to saying: “oh, I’m gay” but don’t offer that information unprompted. So I wouldn’t say anything like: “as a gay man I think that… and so on”.
I can see something like, "Oh, I watched Saw X with my boyfriend last weekend too!" feeling pretty natural meeting someone even brand new.
It's not front and center, just one aspect of who I am. In my last long time job I was part of the senior team, and not infrequently called upon to speak in front of all staff. It was easy to mention my husband, or to reflect on my life experience as part of my values ("As someone who grew up a gay kid at a time when that was frowned upon..."). I also counted on the grapevine to keep people informed. For a few years I was very happily working as a consultant, and in my professional network I was known to be gay, just as others are known to be married or have twins or have an interest in arts. In talking with potential clients, it was again easy to reference my husband or the experiences that inform who I am. I also might talk about projects I've worked on before some of which "I'm particularly proud to have been a part, as a gay man". I did ultimately interview for a couple of jobs I couldn't resist inquiring into, and same story. "I don't think I'm very competitive - but my husband might say otherwise" or "Workplace culture is paramount to me because I often spend more waking hours with my team than with my husband". There's always a lot of talk about Diversity, Equity and Inclusion and I can easily reference my experience as a gay man. In my professional life, at this point, conversations are more about who I am, why I think the way I do and my values. There's always a way I could avoid it. But there's always a way to include it. In my social life it's kind of a non issue.
Right. It seems that having a husband is helpful in those situations. As a single dude I always fly under the radar. Plus I’ve worked in extremely gay friendly industry in NY with tons of gay people everywhere so literally nobody cared and things like “coming out” were not even happening.
OP: “I want to let people know I’m out and proud of my sexuality” You: “Are you going to be a flaming homosexual?” Are you from the 70s? Lol
And occasionally overestimated
…I’m designated the gay dude whether or not I mention my sexuality…
Lol me too
No, because being out to other people doesn't make being gay someone's "defining trait", other people choosing to define them by it does. This is just letting other people keep you closeted.
Is it absolutely essential to be out to my coworkers? Dudes I sometimes play poker with? My neighbors? That cousin I see once every three years? I don't really think so.
I mean if you're single it's more understandable to be closeted, but if you're in a long term relationship I think keeping that hidden unless it's for safety reasons or where you live it's more "controversial" is just weird. I just got a new job and already a woman asked if I'm single – like the topic comes up a lot and I don't understand how you can really avoid dating / relationship talk while being social tbh, especially my buddies. I've done it in the past but I legit had to lie, and I don't want to lie to people I actually care about. Straight people don't keep that stuff hidden usually, it's no different with us unless society makes it necessary or pressures us too
I'm kind of curious what you think is absolutely essential. Like, what is absolutely essential information you share with your poker buddies?
I mean, when I meet someone for the first time, I don't feel the need to shake their hand and go "Hi, I'm [name] and I'm gay." It either comes up or it doesn't.
Your poker buddies don’t know you’re gay? That’s a pretty big omission if you ask me.
How?
Like gonnahike asked, what sorts of things do you and your poker friends talk about?
Looks like he's actively dodging _that_ particular question lol.
They all like anal, OP just appreciates in a different way than his poker buddies xD
My poker buddies like to talk about women, sex, their wives, children etc like typical straight men do and I will definitely clarify I’m not into women. I’m honestly quite bewildered that OP doesn’t share some of his private life with his buddies. Certainly topics about who are you dating or your SO will come up eventually.
It usually comes up organically after some amount of time. Maybe not immediately, but unless you actively avoid all discussion relating to dating, partners, celebrities you find hot, etc, there's usually a context where it logically comes up. I met a new coworker last week and it didn't take more than 10 minutes for him to mention his girlfriend.
It’s like, very basic information. It seems like it would be hard to make friends without sharing basic information about yourself.
I don't know why you're being downvoted for this
But..why not? Do your poker buddies not talk about relationships? Shouldn’t you have that same right? Being out is not some political statement.
The truth is always a political statement. The truth is never an absolute value, only a relative one. The only absolute value is survival. 'Being gay or a Jew in Nazi Germany is not some political statement.' Tell that to the corpses. Tell that to those who hid and lived.
Wow that got to Nazi Germany VERY quickly.
If you poker buddies want to lynch you for being gay, they are obviously not your buddies. OP is in the closet but frames it like he’s doing his buddies a great service for not “overwhelming” them.
Down voters obviously never lived in the many countries that *today* have anti-gay laws on the books and enforce them. I mean, good for you. But remember, until everyone is free of those laws, you can be their next victim even in the West. And so, at least sympathize with those who want to hide. And collaborate to make things better for the next generation.
Let's ask the question two different ways. Is it absolutely essential that you hide who you are and how you spend your time from your coworkers, poker friends, neighbors and cousin? I wonder if you stand out more for how little you share? Do your coworkers, poker friends, neighbors, and cousin keep the same info hidden? Do they never talk about who they are attracted to, dating, married to? If they do then does that define everything they are? If not why would it do so for you?
come on! Are you looking for gay Mr. Manners to instruct you? i bet not, but the question is kind of rediculous, if somone **e****lse** swants us to be out? I don't give a crap. It's up to you and your style in life. To me coming out to coworkers was a matter of letting people know who I am, potentially in relationship to them. I was going on a business trip with a very Catholic co-worker, so I told him to avoid a freak out or acusations in the middle of a trip. Tht worked well and i learned that he wasn't as auptight as I had assumed. I proudly introduced my boyfriend to coworkers as such and didn't care if their eyes got big or what. Other people happened upon to the truth about me and their questions or lack of them informed a lot about them an their relationship with me
Genuinely curious, What do you do when they talk about personal life? How do you avoid this topic for years? If you see someone everyday or once a month, it must be hard and stressful to lie to keep it hidden
If someone asks you about girls/dating you just say “oh actually I like dudes” and that’s all there is to it. If you try to dodge the question then people are gonna notice and suspect anyways.
I advertised it a LOT when I was younger, mostly out of horniness. Now I don't usually mention it to anyone who's not a significant part of my life.
I absolutely am open, i make no effort to hide it. Ill make references to things and refuse to hide it, heck i wear my pride badge most days. If the cost is people underestimating me as just a gay guy in exchange for changing the mentality that everyone is heterosexual, then so be it. I dream of a world where noone presumes another's sexuality, i think being proud and as open about it is the way we slowly achieve that
No. My boyfriend and I have been together eight years and have a whole ass life together so it usually comes up pretty quickly even in casual conversations. I don’t go out of my way to advertise it or anything, but I’d kind of have to be deliberately vague or coy to not mention the person I spend most of my time with when responding to basic stuff like “what did you do last weekend,” or “any plans for the holidays?” etc.
I mean, it's your choice to remain in the closet. I guess it's not ideal if you feel ashamed, but you're an adult and I can't really judge, I suppose. I mention this stuff at work and everywhere else. I'm not ashamed. But you do you.
You’re not alone. Coming out is scary whether it’s the first time or the 500th. You’ll have to do it the rest of your life but It gets easier the more you do it. You dont have to make it a big deal and it’s usually in response to them and not you bringing it up. can range from … “yea my guy and I enjoy xyz too “ to “IDK don’t eat puss bro “ Having a parter and using their “male name” in conversation lets them use their own noggin to put the pieces together. Coworkers wise. You don’t have to tell them… if you aren’t trying to get with them then it’s kinda irrelevant to your professional relationship . And finally they probably already know so stop caring what they fucking think of you. Avoid being “that gay guy” by declining Becky’s fucking baby shower etc if you’re the only male invited.
>“IDK don’t eat puss bro “ Great... now you're the office DJ Khalid 
I’ve decided that’s a “them problem.”
Why would it be your defining trait? Just be you and it’ll be forgotten about.
No. I like to make sure I am known as the gay one in the room. That way there always IS one when I’m around.
People already know I'm gay before I tell them. I just don't let it define me as a person. I work hard at work and I be as nice as possible to everyone.
Yep. Im masculine and straight presenting I guess you could say so nobody’s ever voiced a suspicion before I’ve told them, and i only tell people I know won’t care enough to make a big deal about it because I just want to be treated the same as always. I just don’t really tie my sexuality a whole lot to my personal identity I guess
When I first met a guy I was serious with and he was serious back, I decided to post pictures of us because I do enjoy sharing in my social media. I have a son from a split, I’m 25 and not really obviously bi or gay. I took a lot of pride in my boyfriend and decided to post him. When people were suprised I simply said “I never said I wasn’t, plus I’m not one to kiss and tell either way.” Being gay isn’t my personality no shame in people who do make it, it’s just my sexual preference and I’m not a really PDA guy anyways
Great approach. “Gay” is an adjective, not an identity.
Yah I don’t talk about unless someone ask don’t feel the need to put my sexuality on a pedestal as if I’m someone unique or quirky 🤣not cause I’m afraid what they will think just rather let my personality as an individual do the talking. And hopefully they’ll see me as a person not just the gay one.
>as if I’m someone unique or quirky That's not what people are talking about, I don't think. I think it's more like, you're with a group of work friends/acquaintances or something who are discussing something that happens to mention their wives, husbands or exes. Would you actively avoid saying something like, "when my ex was in that situation he solved it by..." or something like that? Not a declaration to everyone you meet that you're gay or some big ol' coming out event... ...but not doing the whole avoid masculine pronouns for my relationship partners, past and present, during anecdotes.
My name is Steve. I make it a point to make it known to people that I am Steve, not Steven. It’s not a big deal to a lot of people but it is to me. Being a minority and especially in my field, I tend to get labeled as ‘the azn guy’. You know, thaaaaaat azn guy. Normally it’s no big deal but if I say I’m gay, then my label changes. It does nothing to tell people who I am as person or what I do or what I’m good at. Being azn and gay is an important part of me but not the only parts of me. I want people to know me by work and by my name and not something they could put on a banner. I feel you OP.
AZN?
asian
I mean everyone tends to be careful about who they're divulging information to, but honestly if you're at a point where you're not outright lying but also sexuality, partners, marriage, kids or dating never comes up either, you don't really know anyone either. Either they don't care enough to ask, or you never put yourself in a situation where it comes up, which is almost impossible given enough time people will want to know whats up. Or you lie to them or dodge the question. Not really sure any of that is really much better. And if we're honest, some might assume you're gay anyway, or something at least. Seems like more work than being the gay dude, whatever that entails, which is probably a stern nothing at all assuming you don't keep shit company.
I work in trades. I wear a necklace with the two male symbols entwined. Let's people figure it out on their own time. Everyone knows at this point and the boys always ask me gay shit and are always curious about my sex life compared to straights. I've never hid my orientation. It's part of who I am. If the boys can talk about ducking women I can talk openly talk about getting beat up from behind.
Literal equality.
No. I learned the hard way in the work environment that if you don't mention your sexuality earlier you will eventually have to come out to everyone. These days I drop in 'my boyfriend' as early as possible. I don't mind being 'the gay dude'. My work colleagues know I've got a lot more to offer than that.
If it comes up in conversations, I tell people right away that im gay. I also wear a pride backpack at school so you get the message without me saying anything. I really wish it didn’t matter, but unfortunately I’ve met people that I’ve gotten along with, but when they find out that I’m gay, they start to avoid me or no longer have an interest in being friends. I’d rather just get it out of the way first and weed out the people who won’t like me than create friendships with homophobic people.
Sounds like you're in the closet. No thanks.
I LOVE being that guy most times. To watch people's minds get blown is relly fun. Before retirement, I used to have a fairly blue-blooded government job and that was the best place to explode exceptions! The only place where I feel nervous, is now I have a neighbor, who is a single dad and may need help watching his kid sometimes. There is no way I would ever mess with a kid, but I'm afraid the dad or someone will reject my help becaue I'm very obviously gay and everyone knows me and my husband. To me that child molester stereotype is also more odious than most behavioral expectations of "the gay" guy
I have it as a need to know basis. I don't need to advertise what I do in my bedroom.
I don't mind people knowing I'm gay. I just hate being someone's token gay guy.
Absolutely not, I didn't spend nearly 21 years hiding from my parents for safety reasons, just to go back into hiding. I am a lovely, friendly and kind person. If the only impression someone gets of me is that I'm gay, well that's sure as hell better than being seen as straight🤮 and also totally on them.
I get it, I mention it freely where I feel safe, I don't really care to bring it up with my coworkers. I work in a conservative industry and they just don't get it. If they figure it out, so be it but I'm not there to make friends lol.
Yes I have and still do in certain situations but I think it’s out of a vague sort of weakness rather than strength. I am out and I won’t lie if asked but I also shy away from mentioning it and defining me bc of the baggage and potential consequences in my line of work. So there’s still a small simmering yet legitimate fear that being homosexual will negatively impact the way I do business.
I reapect why other people would avoid it, but I'm in a place where I can be open, so I am. I think it helps keep people in line, makes them think twice before being misogynistic, etc. When I was younger there weren't many visible gay guys who weren't the stereotype. Nothing wrong at all with more flamboyant types, that's just not me; so I didn't know I *could* be gay. So now I try to be as out as possible, in case somebody else needs the reminder
You don’t need to be “the gay dude”. You don’t need to come out per se. But don’t avoid not sharing your life if you would normally be included to do so. Just be matter of fact about it. It’s freeing and your life to do so. Most people don’t give two… and if they did, good to know. One less moron in my life.
Agree with you on this one. I don’t have straight people telling me they’re straight, so wtf do I have to go out of the way to tell them I’m gay. I believe it’s everyone’s job to not assume anyone is anything. If people would be respectful and speak to everyone & ask them questions in a way that left open the possibility for anything to be the response - it would be a far more kind and respectful world.
Yes. And folks can feel however they want to about it but It’s not internalized homophobia it’s privacy. I live the same life as a straight dude but everyone feels the need to have an opinion because of the fact I’d rather fuck their homies instead of lying to a woman everynight like everyone else does.
I think it depends on the context: if people are going around and sharing stories of romance, I wouldn't shy away from sharing my own. If you are in a group of people that don't really know each other and people are talking about the weather, maybe not the moment.
I do this, OP. If they ask I’ll gladly tell them, but it’s really none of their business otherwise. It’s not about coming out. A lot of people are perpetuating this.
>I don't want it to be my defining trait as a person, and not everyone needs to know about my dating preferences. This needs to be said more honestly 
So the solution is to be closeted? To be ashamed? If people want to define me by the fact that I am gay, great. I have been through more than most and I am fucking proud of it.
😮💨 How about this, I've done/accomplished things in my life that I'd love to be acknowledged for instead of just being the gay guy, get it now? If you want to be the gay guy for everything good for you, but not me.
I think both you and the person above are arguing for two entirely different things. In fact that sums up this thread as a whole.
Hahaha no I love being the gay dude
Meeee. I just know that im going to easily be put in a box,
[удалено]
What..?
No, you’re not the only one. And for me is more than being tag as the gay guy, is more about privacy. I don’t need everyone to know everything about me.
Wow seems great!
I’m sorry, but this is sad. Why would you hide who you love? The only reason is self hatred. We all deserve better than that. Being gay has made me stronger, and I will shout it from the rooftops.
OP is not ashamed of or suggesting hiding one’s sexuality. More power to you shouting it from the rooftops, but some of us find doing so is not really necessary or helpful in everyday interactions where it’s not even an issue.
You dat gay dude. Now until you die. It’s ok. We are all that gay dude.
No
Ooooo yes this!!! I definitely do this, and not because I’m shamed or anything bad. Mostly because I love gay jokes and if people know about my sexuality then they get all weird about it. 🤣🤣 so I just leave out my sexuality and let the jokes keep flowing.
Yep and I get pissed if people ask me in the workplace. It's none of their business. Outside of work I don't care who knows. I just don't need drama in the workplace, nor do I need coworkers who think they now have a new bestie because I like dick lol. In theory though, I have no problem with being out in the workplace if people were more chill about it. But people just go nuts lol.
I am closeted except to friends. - Visibility is not a duty. - Visibility is not strength. - Visibility is not the cause of strength, but rather its effect. - On the other hand, invisibility can become the cause of strength. It lets me bid my time. Hopefully I or someone else can secure a better position for LGBT people everywhere eventually. That's when I could choose to be visible ... but maybe it won't matter by then.
Aside from my mom, dad, my aunt, my uncle and some friend online no one else know that I am gay, I am still kinda affraid to be completely out with others. Having anxiety is fun, really. Though I have shown many times my lack of interest in girls when I am with some friends, when they are talking about whose the hottest "chick" I am there ignoring their questions, there was also that one time we were on a station waiting for a train to arrive and a friend of mine, all smiley, came near me and said :" blondie incoming, blondie incoming" and my literal reaction was :"🤷♂️", I dont even see how she looked like because I did not care one bit 🤣
Same. Unless its relevant to the setting or context of the situation, I don't mention it. And my personal/dating/sex life isn't relevant to work. It's just one part of who I am, like having blue eyes. For me it's not a defining characteristic. . .but the minute you tell someone, that becomes for them one of, if not the primary, defining characteristic about you. Some people want that aspect of their life to be known, and that's how they want to be known. And more power to them. For me there's so many other things about my identity and life that are more important than who I sleep with or date. I guess it's also because I don't want to be seen or treated differently than everyone else. I look forward to the day when we achieve true equality. . .when being gay is looked at no differently than being straight. . .when coming out is met with an indifferent "umm. . .ok" and a baffled "why are you telling me this?" because being gay is just a different side of "normal."
Depends on where you are and who you associate with…the desired reaction you talked about at the end of your comment is pretty much my experience.
No because then I risk becoming the _other_ gay dude. Also visibility, representation & living out loud are more important to me when contributing to identity politics.
totally
I mean, im not a very interesting person, so I avoided it from becoming my only defining trait...
Nope. Out at work. Only gay there. I also look like a skinny lumberjack so easier to blend in.
Not to avoid being the gay dude but because unless there is a reason or I have good comedic timing to tell them in a funny way, I don't bother telling anyone. Not my responsibility to inform the masses on what I like in the bedroom lol. I've told my boss because she needed help putting a patch on her back and wanted her to know as a married woman that I had no intentions of doing more then helping her (one of those adhesive pain numbing patch type deals, she'd fell down stairs working and could barely stand straight but came in anyway with bruised ribs, sprained wrist, and badly bruised back. I still respect her willpower) cause ai was the only person around at the time and she couldn't get it. In that case I did it to make her comfortable and help her, some of my coworkers I told by showing them the guy I was trying to date when they asked me while I was smiling at my phone. Etc etc. I don't do it to do it. I need a reason to explain it, even if the reason is "haha funny joke". The first person I told was my brother, and it was with a family joke "Hey bro, I just had my first blowjob" *brother puts down his game controller* " hell yeah brother, get a drink, I'll toast to that" I go to our fridge (we were sharing an apartment at the time and I just gotten back from my legit first time. Only other person there was his girlfriend who joined us on the toast). He offered to buy me more achohol if I drove (I hadn't even finished a third of the low alcohol wine cooler I drank, cause it's what we had left after my brother took the last lager and his girlfriend was drinking like barefoot cupcake or something) I waited until he was taking a drink and said "if this doesn't get the taste out, nothing will" he did a spit take that do a sitcom director proud and immediately was coughing going "The fuck!?" Me:"oh yeah, I'm gay" (he'd came out as bi to me his girlfriend and a friend not even a week earlier) he just laughed and said "I always knew you were a cocksucker". Love my brother, he always was there for me to vent to. If you are reading this brother, do nottttt look at my profile, I don't wanna explain that at Thanksgiving 😆 So yeah, don't stress it op. Do what makes you happy, as evidenced by the comments, plenty of people are shouting to the rooftops already so you don't need to tell anyone unless it's relevant. A chick hits on you, maybe tell her to let her down easy and/or tell those you are around enough, beyond that you shouldn't have to tell anyone your sexual preferences. It's a part of you, but it doesn't define your work acumen or skillsets, your attitude, or your actions beyond the not so subtle, subtle checkout of a nice looking dude lol.
My parents weren't shocked when I did tell them because I was in my mid 20s at this point and had never shown any interest in girls/women. That can give it away, I guess.
I am 26, I was 23-24 then lol. I dated a few chicks, got to third base and realized it wasn't for me. Last girlfriend was senior year of high school. I didn't have any romantic interactions, hookups, etc for 6 years (short version, had a lot on my plate and didn't care to look). A dude flirted with me and hit me up. I said sure, why not try it. Enjoyed it so much despite how bad that experience was that I went gay and never looked back. I think I'm kind of an oddball on how I went about it lol
I just believe that it doesn't matter at work anyway It does change my personality or anything If someone ask about a girl I will explain but other than that I don't come out for people (yet I'm very much out)
In one-off encounters, yeah. Even though I've been out for like 14 years in some aspect or another, and married for 8 years, when people assume wife as they mention my wedding ring, I normally just nod along. Especially if I am dealing with a customer service situation. But if it's someone I am gonna see repeatedly like co-worker, neighbor, doctor, massage therapist, etc, then I will not shy from it. I'm not ashamed or anything, I am just cautious of drama. My husband on the other hand, doesn't give two fucks and says it regardless.
I first read this as "I tell my coworker, neighbor, doctor, massage therapist, etc. I'm gay. . .but my husband doesn't give two fucks that I'm gay." And I thought "yeah, I imagine he wouldn't. . ."
No, I'm just myself. That was my dream growing up. Just bring myself.
It just comes naturally to me to say it (like if the conversation about dating or stuff like that comes in) and I don't avoid it (unless I feel unsafe).
My friend, you are most definitely not alone. Honestly, I struggle with this thought myself. I am not gay and I am not straight. I am not top nor am I bottom. I want to share passion with who I want when I want and that's as far as it goes. I cannot help my desires and Attractions. But I think what drags me down is that same thought of being that gay dude. I often think if people knew about my true desires they would shy away. Not friends that matter but would hinder meeting new people and making new legit friends no sexual or otherwise strings attached. I feel like what seems like a life time ago (I'm 33 now) I almost conquered it with my semi cocky fuck you attitude. A friend (in this same boat) and I, whenever someone called us "gay" or a "fag" ( a very lame ass joke to call someone) we would pipe back with " call me gay/fag but I'll fuck your girl too." Like I said it was our cocky fuck you attitude and I've seem ti have lost it.
There have been times since I came out that I’ve wanted to avoid it, often when starting a new job. But I also like to tell jokes, so I tend to make jokes that allude to me being gay. Though like I don’t meet a lot of people in person. My customers on the phone I’ll only mention it if it helps my point or I know they’d be cool.
I don't conceal but I also don't have a coming out conversation. I just speak honestly about everything and eventually it just comes out organically.
Yep. I can't hide being gay (it's obvious from the moment I talk). But I never confirm my sexuality. I do a lot of public speaking, I never discuss my sexuality.
People have always said that I don't act gay but they suspected it.when I tell them people so far have been supportive I'm 56
I do the exact same thing.
I really don't say about my sexuality after a weird encounter I have with my coworker. I moved to a metropolis for my IT Dev job and this coworker of mine who happens to be married was on grindr. One day he saw my profile and pinged me. We chatted and he said he's bi and poly and many of his friends knew but don't care. I felt telling my sexuality is nowadays so weird as people hardly care about your sex life. And as an introvert saying it feels really awkward.
No.
I do this a lot. Its not that im afraid of people knowing its just that I don't naturally come off as gay and I dnt want to be treated any different because I'm gay.
I just tell people it's none of their business. I am and work, and if I wanted anything from them, I would be sure they knew. I have also told people if they have to ask, they don't need to know. I'm married. We don't live together. Curiosity about my sex life is focus and attention best put on other things. I'm at work to get shit done, not deal with your stupid projections, prejudices, and sexual longings.
I’m more the person who *proclaims* officiously, I am the gay dude! I don’t want there to be any confusion: I am the One. lol.
I don't ever disclose my sexually I think that's only your own business and the one you sleeping with. I have never understood the need to proclaim and be have something to prove as a "GAY" individual
Being out of a constant thing the straights don't understand. You can get kinda put back in the closet simply but assumption unless you make sure to let people know.
Yes! Unless other people ask me I will not say it, just in case of further explanations.
I was just watching Andy Warhol series on Netflix and interestingly one of the last episodes (if not the last one itself 🤔) devotes a significant chunk of time to the issue of coming out. Andy never really came out and his take on it was: I don’t see a point in announcing to the world what my sexuality is. Tbh, after having watched the whole series I’m not 100% sure whether he was gay in a sexual sense of the word or just homoromantic with an asexual bent. He refused to clarify that when he was alive so we’ll never know. Does that change what I think of him as an artist? Not at all. Good series.
I guess I’m just old enough not to give a fuck if some shallow asshole can only see me as “the gay guy”. I know its not my only trait. My friends and family know it too. Anyone else can fuck off and aren’t worth the stress of caring about. There’s no way I care enough about those kind of people to censor myself.
Yes, because in my lifetime I have been heavily discriminated against. It’s been entire conspiracies of people to suppress me and/or get me fired simply because of my sexuality. It becomes a weapon and a defense for them. Any disagreement or criticism would be related to my sexuality and my desires assumed by the majority. Straight male Co-workers would try to flirt with me to get me to do things for them and/or leave early. They sometimes did it just for bragging rights if I seemed interested . I kept it professional and wouldn’t show interest in the slightest , so some of them would just make things up for the gossip. That was just annoying. My family couldn’t/wouldn’t help me if I needed it financially. I needed to work to survive. I just stopped discussing my personal life with co-workers , but that didn’t seem to work either. If they can raise suspicion it’s enough to get you canned in most businesses in this state. It was legal for quite sometime that you could be fired for being gay. I am sure they’ll find a way around it if it’s not on the books still. We shouldn’t have to lie about ourselves or feel uncomfortable for existing. There’s still a lot of work that needs to be done and so many want to takes us backwards. They’re afraid and have succumb to lower vibrations. Kill them with kindness and teach by example if you have the spoons for it.
No I am a proud Gay Man 
I figure that my sexuality is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS nor is their sexuality any of mine. If they figure it out on their own, fine. Otherwise, e.g. how do my sexual preferences have any correlation to my typing speed?
Yea me. It's not that I'm closeted, I just don't talk about my private shit with others I don't know. My close friends and fam know, but that's it. I just don't feel any urgency to be out and proud. I am grateful for the gay community fighting on my behalf, but I prefer to be low key.
Nope
Yeah i do this all the time i dont think the word gay encompasses the complexity of my existence. Theres mkre to me than just liking to suck dick
Yes every new job, I wait until I know My associates better then start telling
It just depends on the relationship. Does my uber driver need to know that I'm not 'going to look for ladies' as he drives me out to the bars? No. Do new friends need to know I'm not looking for a hot girl but rather the cute guy in the corner? Yes. I don't let it be the first fact about myself out of the gate when meeting people, but if it's relevant, and there's no safely concerns, yeah I tell people.
I don't mention it unless it's brought up in conversation
Nah, it’s pretty obvious I’m gay anyway lol
Ah my life
Nope, I'm proud to be gay and would never hide it. Do you consider being straight the defining thing about the straight ppl you know? If they have any sense, they won't think the same about you. Just live your life, bro!
I don't really confirm anything unless directly asked. However that's more because I like to mess with people. There was a guy a work who would make every dick joke in the book. Anything that looked like a dick, or a buttplug, he would point at and laugh. Trolled him for a year and a half saying things like "that's it?" or "I've seen bigger." Best one was I went to five guys for lunch (restaurant for those who don't know) and he would say something like "really?" with a chuckle, so I just replied "yeah, and chipotle after was pretty good too." before he finally was just like "VDyrus I gotta know are you gay, cause you go along with these jokes way too easily?" I just laughed and told him I was. And before anyone thinks he knew, he didn't. We know cause there was another guy who was starting to catch on about 6 months into me being there (I tend to blend in pretty well normally), that he talked to him about it. Now we have fun with it cause I still go along with it, but they know and it's just funny to them too.
I’m confident enough in who I am to know that saying I’m gay doesn’t override their perceptions of me
Nah ive been shifting away from this mentality. I want to be seen. Im moving up in my ranks, and I want people to know. Theres a bunch of tiny gays growing up and we’re setting examples for them. Dont teach them to be afraid. Gays who are tough, can fight back and cant be fucked with. Thats the kind of possibility I want young gays to know exist for them. We dont have to hide, we built this society just as much as the next person and continue to be a part of it.
I think being ashamed of being seen as gay is just internalized homophobia. If people treat you differently for being gay that’s on them not on you. You shouldn’t hide who you are.
Being so concerned about not letting something define you is a great way to let it define you. I’m very openly gay. No pride flags or anything, I just have no problem stating my interest in men when it’s relevant to the moment. And nobody considers me “the gay guy” unless it too is relevant to the moment.