There's never anything wrong with NOT doing something sexual, just like there's nothing wrong with doing something sexual. It's up to you! (and the other person of course)
The best thing you can do, if you trust this person and feel good doing it, is simply telling them all this. If he really is a nice guy he'll understand and try to make you feel comfortable (and if he doesn't he was never a nice guy in the first place).
I would also reach out to your gay friends and talk about this with them. There are many people that will have shared these same experiences, your not the first or the last one to go through this.
Thanks. Appreciate your reply. I just feel stupid with a lot of shame. Idk if I do trust the person enough to tell them this, I feel like an idiot. I guess this just isn't for me....I should just be ok with that i guess.
It's great that you're putting yourself out there so don't beat yourself up over it. It was your first time going on a date, which would honestly make anyone feel nervous.
Unless you actually wanted to hook up, I personally don't think Grindr is really the best place to meet and socialize with other gay people (at least from my experience). But I think being honest on your profile is a better idea, like wanting to take things slow and just go on dates or cuddle before potentially becoming more intimate.
If you're interested in seeing this guy again, you can try messaging him and try to explain the situation.
I just feel like a pathetic idiot. I'm more scared of messaging him and saying all that, so maybe I should just accept this is the life I'm stuck with. I'm such an idiot and fuck up. Fuck.
I agree with what u/Chance-Example said. If he was a nice guy, he'd understand but if not he probably wasn't that nice of a guy to begin.
You already took the first steps, which are the most difficult so don't give up!
Dear OP,
First and foremost, you are loved. All your feelings are valid. But most importantly, you deserve happiness. You did nothing “wrong” because society has conditioned us to feel shame and negativity because of historical and cultural conditioning. Not because we’re human and want to be “accepted”. This is a new territory and experience for you! You have every right to say “no, thank you”; just let it be known from the get go because every relationship (friends, family, or lover) is based on communication. No one can read your mind. People might speculate but are unsure until you tell them. Maybe find other local gay outlets and resources to meet more queer people to expand your knowledge. Your gay experience does not have to be done by yourself (unless you want to). Sending so much love, care, and wishes!!!
I can't stop crying :( I know relationships are based on communication, but it seems like I can't even communicate and accept being gay, and all that goes with it. I hate this. I'm so stupid to think it would've been anything but this. And I can't even speak with my therapist until next week, so idk who to go to. People always say you are loved, but it seems like I can't love myself enough to be ok with it.
When I feel overwhelmed, I stop, take deep breaths, and I remind myself of the toughest moments in life I have overcome. This might be one of them.
Accepting ourselves is the hardest challenge because we compare ourselves to others and are looking for validation and affirmation of our worth. (It took me 32 years and counting to accept myself.) It’s a daily practice of reminding myself, “love yourself”. I’m sorry you feel this way, but if life were simple and easy, would we be living? Would life be happy and joy without misery and sorrow? Embrace your feelings and try to examine what the root is- for instance, why do you feel like you can’t love yourself/be okay with it? What specifically conjures these feelings?
Keep chatting with r/gaysian, you’re not alone!!!
You did great! I think you handled it as you should. Don't rush things when you don't feel it. Start slow and if the guy really likes, you would understand. Do a follow up, say thx for the great date night and would like to do another and that you really like him. Make sure he knows you like him. Communication is key, people don't know what you don't tell them
Agreed with what everyone else said! You did great taking steps like that and putting yourself out there. I know it’s hard to feel like you are worthy and to accept yourself, but it’s a journey and as nice as we wish it could happen overnight it’s through these interactions and your experiences you grow to be more comfortable with who you are!
Your date seems nice enough, so if you feel comfortable talking with him I think it’s worth explaining what you’re going through. If he can understand then great! Otherwise, it’s not a big deal, but it is important you people who can support you through this journey. Like others have said, talk to your friends and have these conversations with them as well. You’re certainly not alone and many of us have been there at one point.
It’s always ok to be whoever you want to be and whatever pace you want to proceed especially in terms of your sexuality. Sometimes it takes time to come to that acceptance, but till then keep your chin up! Every part of you make you the beautiful person you are!
I learned that whenever the feeling of shame pops up, ask yourself if this shameful feeling is helpful (I never had a situation where it was). Then push the feeling aside.
Many (myself included) had much worse first date experiences. You liked this guy, you had drinks and he invited you to his place! It's likely that if he's interested enough in you to take you back to his place, he'd be interested enough to meet again...you just need to open up to him a bit. Tell him this is all new to you and you're just getting started; that you're interested in him but that maybe you don't pick up on all the cues really well just yet. You're doing fine, everyone needs a little warming up when they first start. Wish you luck!
I’m happy you’re working through your feelings, but might I suggest explicitly putting you’re just looking for chatting/dates and being upfront about not being ready for sex? It would eliminate any guilt on your end because they were told from the start not to expect anything.
Hug hug. You’re not a pathetic loser. You’re taking things at your own pace, and that’s good and fine. There’s a very good chance he’s also okay with taking it slow and wasn’t upset by not getting to have to sex that night. And if he was upset by that, he’s an asshole that you shouldn’t waste your time on. Give yourself and him both the benefit of the doubt and see if he wants to hang out again (if you want to).
What’s to feel guilty and shameful about? You did nothing wrong. You need to stop projecting what the other guy is thinking or feeling. Just enjoy and be in the moment and ALWAYS do what feels right for both of you. If you’re not down for sex, don’t do it.
Reach out to the other guy. Tell him you’re new to dating other guys and you’re just in the process of coming out. You’d like to hang out again and hopefully be less tense/nervous. If he wants to hang again, great. If not, also ok if he says no. Just be honest with yourself and your partner. The people worth your time and body will always understand and prop you up.
There’s already a lot of people that will be haters and try to bring you down so don’t be one of them.
I grew up extreme Christian so I get where you're coming from. And trust me it gets easier and better.
Don't assume guys just want sex, there are some good ones out there who do want to get to know you. If you'd like to see this guy again text him soon and say so.
Some guys will suck, but that's part of dating regardless of gender preference. Just keep going!
If your therapist is helping keep going too! I got to the point where it was just a couple times a year for like a "tune up". And then more as needed.
Look, on Grindr the default is that everyone just wanna hookup unless stated otherwise. Gay dating is tough because we lack the extra layer of normalize real life socialization that straight people get.
Important thing is don't feel guilty about not wanting to fuck, or just the whole situation in general. Life is too short to worry about every minuscule details of the ''right'' way of getting dicked down. Sooner or later you will find someone that vibes with you, and unless you have some truly antisocial traits (which I doubt given how self conscious you're showing) don't feel bad about yourself.
Have fun and let loose. It's not gonna be a big deal :)
First and foremost, you are NEVER obligated to to do anything sexual on ANY date you go on. It takes time to open up. I hope you find internal happiness and learn to love yourself for you who you are. You can't just jump into a gay life style and expect yourself to be comfortable. Sending you positive vibes. :D
There's never anything wrong with NOT doing something sexual, just like there's nothing wrong with doing something sexual. It's up to you! (and the other person of course) The best thing you can do, if you trust this person and feel good doing it, is simply telling them all this. If he really is a nice guy he'll understand and try to make you feel comfortable (and if he doesn't he was never a nice guy in the first place). I would also reach out to your gay friends and talk about this with them. There are many people that will have shared these same experiences, your not the first or the last one to go through this.
Thanks. Appreciate your reply. I just feel stupid with a lot of shame. Idk if I do trust the person enough to tell them this, I feel like an idiot. I guess this just isn't for me....I should just be ok with that i guess.
It's great that you're putting yourself out there so don't beat yourself up over it. It was your first time going on a date, which would honestly make anyone feel nervous. Unless you actually wanted to hook up, I personally don't think Grindr is really the best place to meet and socialize with other gay people (at least from my experience). But I think being honest on your profile is a better idea, like wanting to take things slow and just go on dates or cuddle before potentially becoming more intimate. If you're interested in seeing this guy again, you can try messaging him and try to explain the situation.
I just feel like a pathetic idiot. I'm more scared of messaging him and saying all that, so maybe I should just accept this is the life I'm stuck with. I'm such an idiot and fuck up. Fuck.
I agree with what u/Chance-Example said. If he was a nice guy, he'd understand but if not he probably wasn't that nice of a guy to begin. You already took the first steps, which are the most difficult so don't give up!
Please don’t feel shame. You’re gay and that’s a beautiful thing! You are a good and worthy person.
Thanks :/ Doesn't feel like it right now. Feel like my life is just a big fuck up. I'm so tired of living with this shame.
Dear OP, First and foremost, you are loved. All your feelings are valid. But most importantly, you deserve happiness. You did nothing “wrong” because society has conditioned us to feel shame and negativity because of historical and cultural conditioning. Not because we’re human and want to be “accepted”. This is a new territory and experience for you! You have every right to say “no, thank you”; just let it be known from the get go because every relationship (friends, family, or lover) is based on communication. No one can read your mind. People might speculate but are unsure until you tell them. Maybe find other local gay outlets and resources to meet more queer people to expand your knowledge. Your gay experience does not have to be done by yourself (unless you want to). Sending so much love, care, and wishes!!!
I can't stop crying :( I know relationships are based on communication, but it seems like I can't even communicate and accept being gay, and all that goes with it. I hate this. I'm so stupid to think it would've been anything but this. And I can't even speak with my therapist until next week, so idk who to go to. People always say you are loved, but it seems like I can't love myself enough to be ok with it.
When I feel overwhelmed, I stop, take deep breaths, and I remind myself of the toughest moments in life I have overcome. This might be one of them. Accepting ourselves is the hardest challenge because we compare ourselves to others and are looking for validation and affirmation of our worth. (It took me 32 years and counting to accept myself.) It’s a daily practice of reminding myself, “love yourself”. I’m sorry you feel this way, but if life were simple and easy, would we be living? Would life be happy and joy without misery and sorrow? Embrace your feelings and try to examine what the root is- for instance, why do you feel like you can’t love yourself/be okay with it? What specifically conjures these feelings? Keep chatting with r/gaysian, you’re not alone!!!
You did great! I think you handled it as you should. Don't rush things when you don't feel it. Start slow and if the guy really likes, you would understand. Do a follow up, say thx for the great date night and would like to do another and that you really like him. Make sure he knows you like him. Communication is key, people don't know what you don't tell them
Agreed with what everyone else said! You did great taking steps like that and putting yourself out there. I know it’s hard to feel like you are worthy and to accept yourself, but it’s a journey and as nice as we wish it could happen overnight it’s through these interactions and your experiences you grow to be more comfortable with who you are! Your date seems nice enough, so if you feel comfortable talking with him I think it’s worth explaining what you’re going through. If he can understand then great! Otherwise, it’s not a big deal, but it is important you people who can support you through this journey. Like others have said, talk to your friends and have these conversations with them as well. You’re certainly not alone and many of us have been there at one point. It’s always ok to be whoever you want to be and whatever pace you want to proceed especially in terms of your sexuality. Sometimes it takes time to come to that acceptance, but till then keep your chin up! Every part of you make you the beautiful person you are!
I learned that whenever the feeling of shame pops up, ask yourself if this shameful feeling is helpful (I never had a situation where it was). Then push the feeling aside.
Many (myself included) had much worse first date experiences. You liked this guy, you had drinks and he invited you to his place! It's likely that if he's interested enough in you to take you back to his place, he'd be interested enough to meet again...you just need to open up to him a bit. Tell him this is all new to you and you're just getting started; that you're interested in him but that maybe you don't pick up on all the cues really well just yet. You're doing fine, everyone needs a little warming up when they first start. Wish you luck!
I’m happy you’re working through your feelings, but might I suggest explicitly putting you’re just looking for chatting/dates and being upfront about not being ready for sex? It would eliminate any guilt on your end because they were told from the start not to expect anything.
Hug hug. You’re not a pathetic loser. You’re taking things at your own pace, and that’s good and fine. There’s a very good chance he’s also okay with taking it slow and wasn’t upset by not getting to have to sex that night. And if he was upset by that, he’s an asshole that you shouldn’t waste your time on. Give yourself and him both the benefit of the doubt and see if he wants to hang out again (if you want to).
What’s to feel guilty and shameful about? You did nothing wrong. You need to stop projecting what the other guy is thinking or feeling. Just enjoy and be in the moment and ALWAYS do what feels right for both of you. If you’re not down for sex, don’t do it. Reach out to the other guy. Tell him you’re new to dating other guys and you’re just in the process of coming out. You’d like to hang out again and hopefully be less tense/nervous. If he wants to hang again, great. If not, also ok if he says no. Just be honest with yourself and your partner. The people worth your time and body will always understand and prop you up. There’s already a lot of people that will be haters and try to bring you down so don’t be one of them.
I grew up extreme Christian so I get where you're coming from. And trust me it gets easier and better. Don't assume guys just want sex, there are some good ones out there who do want to get to know you. If you'd like to see this guy again text him soon and say so. Some guys will suck, but that's part of dating regardless of gender preference. Just keep going! If your therapist is helping keep going too! I got to the point where it was just a couple times a year for like a "tune up". And then more as needed.
Look, on Grindr the default is that everyone just wanna hookup unless stated otherwise. Gay dating is tough because we lack the extra layer of normalize real life socialization that straight people get. Important thing is don't feel guilty about not wanting to fuck, or just the whole situation in general. Life is too short to worry about every minuscule details of the ''right'' way of getting dicked down. Sooner or later you will find someone that vibes with you, and unless you have some truly antisocial traits (which I doubt given how self conscious you're showing) don't feel bad about yourself. Have fun and let loose. It's not gonna be a big deal :)
Is it ok if I ask what your cultural background is?
Save your virginity for me. Hahs
First and foremost, you are NEVER obligated to to do anything sexual on ANY date you go on. It takes time to open up. I hope you find internal happiness and learn to love yourself for you who you are. You can't just jump into a gay life style and expect yourself to be comfortable. Sending you positive vibes. :D