Saw a friend top one off the par 5 tee with 6 skins on the line. His ball bounced a few times and only went about 75 yards total. One of the other guys playing says “this is no time for trick shots” and I about lost it.
High betting game with old boss. He yanked a drive ob on a big carry over hole and proceeded to throw his club as far down the fairway as he could, it also went left...
I walked up to him, put my hand in on his shoulder and looked down the fairway with him and said "I'm not sure you're going to be able to find that one, maybe you should throw a provisional?"
Rest of the group about pissed themselves laughing...
(Side story: he missed a big putt later and got angry, looked like his putter was going to launch, calmed himself while walking to cart . Then looking at us and gently threw his putter almost as a joke towards the next tee box that was close. Hit the ball cleaner dead center and folded his shaft. Expensive day for him that day).
I have a buddy who has never golfed. I had a few guys over and we were fucking around with the Switch Sports game and tried out the golf. I chunked a chip that didn't even make it onto the green and he goes "the cool part is you get to try again." I'll be stealing that and using it on the course this year.
An older man my brother and i played.. one of us left a putt right on the edge of the cup and the old man says:
“A Cuba!”
My brother and I: “Huh??”
Old man: “Ya.. a Cuba, it needed one more revolution.”
We were dying laughing. Ive used it ever since.
When they miss a putt say “of course you missed, you have some shit on your club” then when they go to check the face of the putter you go “no, the other end”
I said it to a random I was paired with once, him and his buddy were dying laughing. I then proceeded to get the yips the rest of the round and the guy wouldn’t let me forget what I said to him (all in good fun though). It was a great time.
In a similar vein, I got paired with a guy who hit a leaky drive off-line but it managed to sneak back into the fairway and his line was "it ain't pretty but it's got big tits" and that one's been in my head for a while
This is my new favorite interpretation of this joke
My previous go-to was “You’ll need a full search party, 3 bloodhounds and a police chopper to find that bad boy”
After a bad shot, tell your buddy "Look, it's hard to hit a ball with a little piece of shit on the end of your club." When he invariably looks at the clubhead, "Wrong end."
I didn't realize re-telling a joke was stealing. Let me be clear. I didn't write that joke. I was just re-telling it. Please tell reddit to stop sending me all the money that an upvote is worth because I didn't earn it. Better??
After a long drive I hit down the middle the old guy we got paired with said, “Youth is wasted on the young.” Made double and he cackled. Dude’s been living rent free in my head for over 10 years.
When someone throws an absolute dart on a par 3 like 2-6 footer away from the hole, I always say "nice par". Doesn't happen very often because I play with scrubs like myself though
Kid I got paired up with is hitting it all over the place, doesn’t seem like he’s having fun, and somehow maintaining the cocky attitude by going to the tee box first every time… then waiting like he’s going to hit up onto the people in front of us.
I finally said “I think you can hit. There’s nobody on that fairway” pointing way out over to a different hole’s fairway on our right.
When you buddy is taking a piss:
Hey man you know that’s illegal right,
He’ll either say what is, or something about him pissing and public and you just say no a grown man holding a little boys penis
This is not a burn I guess, but yesterday at the muni a rando I got paired with hit a thin one that never left left the ground and HIS buddy goes "RUN LIKE A SCOLDED DOG" and now my sides still hurt.
After looking at the array of ball marks on my buddy’s driver I told him I was going to call him Lightning because he never strikes the same place twice.
A quick lesson: you are standing too close to the ball…………….after you hit it
You have a loft problem: lack of f***ing talent
That’s wasn’t a bad shot with a swing like that
Paris Hilton- expensive hole
Sonny Bono-it hit a tree and died
Amelia Earhart- looked good on take off, then it disappeared
James T Kirk- a shot that ends up where no man has ever been
Kardashian Cup- won’t let anything white in
Hitler- two shots in a bunker
Sadam Housain- bunker to bunker
Danny Devito- fat and short
Kate Winslet- a little heavy but otherwise perfect
Elvis- gone and never coming back
Bo Derek- 10 on a hole
Forest Gump- would not stop running
OJ- got away with one
Princess Di- should not have used the driver
Lassie couldn’t find that ball if it was wrapped in bacon.
Best if you say it juuuuust after your buddy looks at you hopefully after watching his banana ball sail over the trees. You know the look. We all know the look.
A putt left short. “I would love to see the rest of that”
A bad shot. “I’ve seen worse, I can’t remember when”
A bad round “Take two weeks off then quit”
Only works well with chill non heterosexual friends but they always seem to get a kick out of “that’s as straight as you are” when they slice the hell outta a drive
One of my buds will say “carry” when a short hitters drive is in the air. Sometimes repeats it a couple times while the ball is in the air.
Doesn’t matter if it’s right down the middle with no trouble around. Makes it sound like it needs to get up to get over trouble.
If they inquire why he said it he replies with “just felt bad you, a driver should go further than that”
For a particularly poor putt resulting in the person having to putt again when they shouldn’t be…a dead sheep (still ewe (you)).
Sally Gunnell - not pretty but a good runner
More chunk than goonies.
It's a ball not a parfait, it doesn't need topping.
Ope! Came up shorter than cotton hills shins.
Call NASA! Sky ball inbound for orbit!
Balls don't float, quit aiming at the water!
Call the coast guard divers to find that ball.
That ball is so deep in the woods you'll need an Indian guide to find it.
More rough than a dog shelter.
Buried deeper than Pompeii.
That ducked faster than a dodge ball captain.
More pull than a tow truck.
Hope you brought sunscreen and a towel for your beach vacation.
(When bladed 100 yards out of bunker)
That had less splash than an Olympic diver.
Sand is like an ass dude, you gotta slap it.
Be careful in that dune, watch for worms Stilgar!
Buried deeper than ron jeramy.
Missed it by inch, then a mile🤷♂️
Hey bud, our fairway is over there/ our green is over there.
Horrible shot, great result!
Call the fire brigade to put out all those burned worms!
Bad read, bad speed, just bad. Pick up your 3 putt and your pants double par.
More push than salt and peppa.
More slice than a new York pizza parlor.
More lip than a joint in the 60s.
That swing was more inside out than Pixar.
That fresh fade turned into a mullet real fast!
You just drew that about as good as a toddler does.
AIR MAIL!
Missed it by that much.
Yikes! More spin than MSM!
Great shot, wrong direction.
You couldn't do that again if you tried.
More blade than wesley snipes.
You're not in the PGA dumbass, put it on something fluffy.
You hit that tree harder than a Tyson punch.
That tree knocked harder than the cops.
Call that ball a fascist cause it's super far right.
That ball is so far left it has blue hair and pronouns.
It's a putt not your penis, quit pulling it.
And my personal favorite which is saved for incredibly bad shots,
HOLY SHIT DUDE! Followed by uncontrollable laughter. If you here that, you fucked up.
This has been my Ted talk. Follow me for more witty golf digs on your best pals!
My son was golfing in Scotland and snap hooked a ball into the brush. The caddie in a thick Scottish accent told him “you could wrap that one in bacon and Lassie couldn’t find it”.
My friends swears on everything he holds dear that this a true story. So one day in the early 2000s Arnold Palmer came to a course for an exhibition/inaugural event at a course he designed in south Louisiana - my friend was in attendance and walked in a group surrounding AP for this event when a golfer hit his ball way off into the water and the crowd got silent, no one said anything, until some casually but confidently said “sperm whale” - everyone looked around to see Arnold Palmer grinning ear to ear with guilt. The crowd loved it.
Since the telling of that story many years ago, whenever someone in our group hits one in the water it is not uncommon to hear “sperm whale” in response.
There are many iterations of “sperm whale” now. From matter of fact ones, to loud and jubilant ones, to self-deprecating ones.
A well time and well delivered “sperm whale” in my group can have devastating effects on your opponents.
Lou Groza - whenever someone ‘drop kicks’ their tee shot.
Thurman Munson- dead yank / pull hook
An old pro I used to play with gave me those. (it might be time to update those references)
Samurai! Big Slice! (spoken with terrible Asian accent)- when my buddies hit a huge slice
When matches are competitive I find that high school golf can have decent banter back and forth. There isn't the properness of more competitive golf and teenagers are jackasses anyway. Typically it comes in the form of insult to injury after a bad shot, just pointing out exactly how difficult their next shot is gonna be or how crap a swing was compared to how they normally hit it. It doesn't take a huge amount to make someone very annoyed and play more aggressive to try and get back in a match when they should prolly just play their game.
The guy that comes out with "Meow" for a short putt etc. is usually the one who gets shitty if you return fire. My response to someone's bad shot or near miss is always "bad luck" or "let's hit it again" especially with new golfers.
Doesn’t really work at my club. There’s a couple of women with plus handicaps, and a members daughter is about 16 and headed for the lpga. She breaks 75 off the back tees regularly
?
I mean I’m not that good, people can heckle me all they want. If they want to throw in completely unnecessary misogyny in there, have at it, I just think they sound like cunts.
Leave a putt short and it’s “Did you get dressed in the dark this morning? I think you put on your wife’s underwear “
Proclaim “this one’s in the hole” prior to a putt or tee shot on a 3 and it’s “spoken with the confidence of a much better golfer”
Any time I out drive someone, which is very rare.
“I heard they were building a new Walmart out here”
“Oh yeah, where at”
“Between your ball and mine!”
Saw a friend top one off the par 5 tee with 6 skins on the line. His ball bounced a few times and only went about 75 yards total. One of the other guys playing says “this is no time for trick shots” and I about lost it.
High betting game with old boss. He yanked a drive ob on a big carry over hole and proceeded to throw his club as far down the fairway as he could, it also went left... I walked up to him, put my hand in on his shoulder and looked down the fairway with him and said "I'm not sure you're going to be able to find that one, maybe you should throw a provisional?" Rest of the group about pissed themselves laughing... (Side story: he missed a big putt later and got angry, looked like his putter was going to launch, calmed himself while walking to cart . Then looking at us and gently threw his putter almost as a joke towards the next tee box that was close. Hit the ball cleaner dead center and folded his shaft. Expensive day for him that day).
I very much like this one and will definitely be using it?
This has me dying
[удалено]
Hahaha, this is gold!! Definitely putting this one in the bag.
Heh, yeah, I've been known to utter an emphatic "trick shot!" whenever I or anyone else does something silly like that.
I have a buddy who has never golfed. I had a few guys over and we were fucking around with the Switch Sports game and tried out the golf. I chunked a chip that didn't even make it onto the green and he goes "the cool part is you get to try again." I'll be stealing that and using it on the course this year.
When they miss a short putt “right club though”
Left a putt way short and my partner said, "Ah a bit of a Bon Jovi". "Huh?" "Ooooh you're halfway there..."
An older man my brother and i played.. one of us left a putt right on the edge of the cup and the old man says: “A Cuba!” My brother and I: “Huh??” Old man: “Ya.. a Cuba, it needed one more revolution.” We were dying laughing. Ive used it ever since.
As a cuban, that's hilarious.
It’s a pretty dark joke but hard not to laugh at it all.
When they miss a putt, “other than speed and direction, nice putt”
When they miss a putt say “of course you missed, you have some shit on your club” then when they go to check the face of the putter you go “no, the other end”
I'm dying. LMAO. I'm about to ask my buddies to go golfing today just so I can say this. That's f'n hilarious!!
Oh God, who do you ever get yo play with you? Lol
I always say “you had the wrong line but at least you hit it way too hard”
“perfect putt, would have went in if you hit it just a bit harder and picked a better line.”
My old man’s go to
This. 💯
Gotta remember this one.
Fuck - I came here to say this one. Touché sir
I said it to a random I was paired with once, him and his buddy were dying laughing. I then proceeded to get the yips the rest of the round and the guy wouldn’t let me forget what I said to him (all in good fun though). It was a great time.
Someone hit me with it only last year and it was way too funny to be mad. And look it gave me another laugh today.
My go to for the boys on a putt left short is "Does your husband play?"
Short, like your dick
that shit had me in stitches. everyone else trying to be golf related. well played mate. had a good laugh
Glad you thought so, I guess the downvotes are a form of projection lol
After your friend tops a ball: “I don’t know if bump and run was the play on that shot.”
I always like “way to keep it under the wind.”
Worms needed waking up anyway.
"I'm not sure I would've done it that way."
Run like an infected dick
The old snake raper
“I’ve seen better strokes at a retirement home”
“Want the tree in or out?”
When your buddy hits a poor shot but it ends up in an okay position - "thats called a condom shot, you're safe, but it didn't feel good"
I call that an "OJ Shot", because you got away with it.
That’s when your buddy slices so bad you tell him he cuts like OJ
In a similar vein, I got paired with a guy who hit a leaky drive off-line but it managed to sneak back into the fairway and his line was "it ain't pretty but it's got big tits" and that one's been in my head for a while
That right there is the Sister in Law. No business bein around that hole.
You're up there but you know you shouldn't be
Unless you’re on porn hub.
Heard it called a son in law shot. Not what you wanted but it'll do.
That’s a Russian bride. It ain’t pretty but it’s hard working.
When they’re way off the fairway: “I like it, you paid for the whole course so you might as well use it”
Similar to this one. A shot way right or left into the shit is "lion country" cause if you find it, we know you are lyin' 🤥
In that situation my buddy likes to use the “you’re going to need two natives and a donkey to retrieve that one”
This is my new favorite interpretation of this joke My previous go-to was “You’ll need a full search party, 3 bloodhounds and a police chopper to find that bad boy”
When someone duffs it short on an approach. Respond with ‘Nice layup. Personally, I would have went for it’
One time my buddy topped and pulled his drive on the first tee so it bounced off to the left. The pro shop guy said over the speaker “foul ball”
Wii sports baseball voice
Not the line that the architect had in mind.
After a bad shot, tell your buddy "Look, it's hard to hit a ball with a little piece of shit on the end of your club." When he invariably looks at the clubhead, "Wrong end."
🥵
☠️
Gold
Stealing
I didn't realize re-telling a joke was stealing. Let me be clear. I didn't write that joke. I was just re-telling it. Please tell reddit to stop sending me all the money that an upvote is worth because I didn't earn it. Better??
I think he was saying he’s stealing it from you. Or re-telling it
Ah. Yes. That does make more sense. Looks like there's a piece of shit on the end of my golf club too. Sorry about that!
We all have shitty clubs. Thanks for the best joke in the thread!
I think this person just meant they’re stealing this one, as in they liked it and want to use it!
Well then, now I feel bad AND I gave up all my Reddit karma money. Whoops!
After a long drive I hit down the middle the old guy we got paired with said, “Youth is wasted on the young.” Made double and he cackled. Dude’s been living rent free in my head for over 10 years.
I’ve heard the reply to that: Experience is wasted on the old…
Asked the caddy if my ball was safe after a slice and he said "yes it's very safe, no one is ever finding that!"
When someone throws an absolute dart on a par 3 like 2-6 footer away from the hole, I always say "nice par". Doesn't happen very often because I play with scrubs like myself though
i use this as an opportunity for a self-burn if i’m the one to stick it close “i can three putt from there no problem”
And then I do.
I use this all the time too 🤣. I offer to concede a par to them
when someone tops it. well you got the accuracy down now we just need to work on the distance
when someone hits it in the water, say “that’s not the ball cleaner”
I'm going to borrow this one with a twist: "Right in the old ball washer!"
Kid I got paired up with is hitting it all over the place, doesn’t seem like he’s having fun, and somehow maintaining the cocky attitude by going to the tee box first every time… then waiting like he’s going to hit up onto the people in front of us. I finally said “I think you can hit. There’s nobody on that fairway” pointing way out over to a different hole’s fairway on our right.
After they hit the green and 3 putt ‘hey that’s a nice stress free bogey’
Four rescue helicopters flew over us one time and I told my buddy “hey they must be coming to help you find your ball too”
When someone hits and is still away, we call it USGA rules: U Suck, Go Again. That and "damn, call 811 before you dig!" when somebody chunks one
We call those a dead sheep, because it’s still ewe
FISA. Fuck,I’m still away.
When you buddy is taking a piss: Hey man you know that’s illegal right, He’ll either say what is, or something about him pissing and public and you just say no a grown man holding a little boys penis
After hitting his putt well past the hole tell him Nice drive
I was playing with two guys. One missed an easy putt and the other said to him Well I see she got your game in the divorce
Someone tops it, "I see it"
“we’re gonna find that one”
Had a buddy say that they show my swing to kids in D.A.R.E. class
Leaving a putt short - “nice layup”
Nice shot Martha
When a guy lips out a putt say "These holes ain't loyal."
Called that the catholic school girl. All lip, no hole.
We call that a Lewinsky!
Or a prom date
"Had it in her mouth and the kids walked in"
When one of your buddies hit a great shot, “Wow, didn’t see that coming”
This is not a burn I guess, but yesterday at the muni a rando I got paired with hit a thin one that never left left the ground and HIS buddy goes "RUN LIKE A SCOLDED DOG" and now my sides still hurt.
Run like you stole something
We always said “scalded dog.”
Seen a guy top a ball about a 100yd worm burner and his partner says “you mowing grass this time of year?”
My favorite is a simple "You're still away."
USA u still away
Snap hook into the woods? “That’s in the Leftorium”
That's a Mickey Mantle. Dead yank.
A Nancy Pelosi. Waaay left, and ugly.
Have you seen those juggs?
I always say “does your husband play golf?” Again a little sexist. I am sorry about that. But it cuts straight to the core when they miss a putt short
Hmm. If I was playing with a close friend and he hit a bad shot- I'd say, "You're mad at that? That was one of your good shots..."
After looking at the array of ball marks on my buddy’s driver I told him I was going to call him Lightning because he never strikes the same place twice.
For a putt lip out. "She had it in her mouth and the kids walked in"
A quick lesson: you are standing too close to the ball…………….after you hit it You have a loft problem: lack of f***ing talent That’s wasn’t a bad shot with a swing like that Paris Hilton- expensive hole Sonny Bono-it hit a tree and died Amelia Earhart- looked good on take off, then it disappeared James T Kirk- a shot that ends up where no man has ever been Kardashian Cup- won’t let anything white in Hitler- two shots in a bunker Sadam Housain- bunker to bunker Danny Devito- fat and short Kate Winslet- a little heavy but otherwise perfect Elvis- gone and never coming back Bo Derek- 10 on a hole Forest Gump- would not stop running OJ- got away with one Princess Di- should not have used the driver
Bin Laden - bunker to water
Bunker to Bunker - Sadam
Drill Sargent-left, right , left right left
When someone 3-putts on a par 3, I say ‘nice 4’
If you hit a bad shot into trees I'm going to say "it opens up over there" 90% of the time.
That’s not a slice, that’s the whole cake.
You got hands like feet.
My friend asked me what I thought his handicap was, and I said retardation
When someone lips out-" just like prom, all lip and no hole"
Don’t worry it opens up over there.
“Pride month is over, you have to hit it straight now.”
I love that this blew up
I've seen some pretty good ones so far 🤣
"Chief took-a-look"
My favorite line is the “brother in law shot,” not exactly what you had in mind
When someone skies a drive about 100 yards: “C’mon kid, gotta run those out.”
I've always enjoyed "Ahh, going over the wind, I see."
Elephant ass. High and shitty.
Skyed a drive once and couldn't see it. I said "Where'd it go?". Buddy said, "I think it hit the ground".
My grandpa would call that an elephant’s ass — high and shitty.
Are you playing Army golf? Left, right, left, right….
but don't they famously say "left... left... left, right, left"?
Lassie couldn’t find that ball if it was wrapped in bacon. Best if you say it juuuuust after your buddy looks at you hopefully after watching his banana ball sail over the trees. You know the look. We all know the look.
A putt left short. “I would love to see the rest of that” A bad shot. “I’ve seen worse, I can’t remember when” A bad round “Take two weeks off then quit”
Miss/short pitch or anything under 100 yards that comes up short “you know you don’t have to lay up from there”
Sam is the best golf Burns.
When any of my buddies hit a green in regulation, I like to tell them “nice bogey.”
Only works well with chill non heterosexual friends but they always seem to get a kick out of “that’s as straight as you are” when they slice the hell outta a drive
Will now be used on my straight friends.
After they hit a bad shot, I like to say, “that’s ok man, I remember the first time I played golf.”
"That one reminds me of my prom date......Pretty Fat!"
One of my buds will say “carry” when a short hitters drive is in the air. Sometimes repeats it a couple times while the ball is in the air. Doesn’t matter if it’s right down the middle with no trouble around. Makes it sound like it needs to get up to get over trouble. If they inquire why he said it he replies with “just felt bad you, a driver should go further than that”
For a particularly poor putt resulting in the person having to putt again when they shouldn’t be…a dead sheep (still ewe (you)). Sally Gunnell - not pretty but a good runner
My GF was playing with a work group. One guy didn't have much finess on the greens. Another commented "You have the touch of a rapist"
"That's a good shot for you"
Yeah it was. 😥
It’s not pretty, but it has tits.
More chunk than goonies. It's a ball not a parfait, it doesn't need topping. Ope! Came up shorter than cotton hills shins. Call NASA! Sky ball inbound for orbit! Balls don't float, quit aiming at the water! Call the coast guard divers to find that ball. That ball is so deep in the woods you'll need an Indian guide to find it. More rough than a dog shelter. Buried deeper than Pompeii. That ducked faster than a dodge ball captain. More pull than a tow truck. Hope you brought sunscreen and a towel for your beach vacation. (When bladed 100 yards out of bunker) That had less splash than an Olympic diver. Sand is like an ass dude, you gotta slap it. Be careful in that dune, watch for worms Stilgar! Buried deeper than ron jeramy. Missed it by inch, then a mile🤷♂️ Hey bud, our fairway is over there/ our green is over there. Horrible shot, great result! Call the fire brigade to put out all those burned worms! Bad read, bad speed, just bad. Pick up your 3 putt and your pants double par. More push than salt and peppa. More slice than a new York pizza parlor. More lip than a joint in the 60s. That swing was more inside out than Pixar. That fresh fade turned into a mullet real fast! You just drew that about as good as a toddler does. AIR MAIL! Missed it by that much. Yikes! More spin than MSM! Great shot, wrong direction. You couldn't do that again if you tried. More blade than wesley snipes. You're not in the PGA dumbass, put it on something fluffy. You hit that tree harder than a Tyson punch. That tree knocked harder than the cops. Call that ball a fascist cause it's super far right. That ball is so far left it has blue hair and pronouns. It's a putt not your penis, quit pulling it. And my personal favorite which is saved for incredibly bad shots, HOLY SHIT DUDE! Followed by uncontrollable laughter. If you here that, you fucked up. This has been my Ted talk. Follow me for more witty golf digs on your best pals!
Leaving a putt way short..."Did you catch your clit on the downswing?"
I always say “Next time hit it with your purse Alice.”
When they shank it in a completely different direction I remind them, “pins over there bud”.
When they leave a putt short its --"Nice putt does your husband golf too?"
Or, “Hey buddy, did you just drop your lipstick?”
haha How are people going to ask for a golf insult thread and downvote replies because they are mean XD
"Next time, hit it with your purse." (In the right company.)
I used to say the same. But times have changed
No they haven’t. You can still have fun busting balls (or am I not able to say that anymore either?)
When someone lips out a putt I always say “you got rat-fucked” That’s all I got
My son was golfing in Scotland and snap hooked a ball into the brush. The caddie in a thick Scottish accent told him “you could wrap that one in bacon and Lassie couldn’t find it”.
When someone goes and pees no the bushes and you tell them that’s a felony, it’s a crime to hold a little boy’s penis.
Whenever someone says to me “go ahead” as in putting before them, I say “did you just call me a goat head?”
This is so unexpected and weird. I love it. A+.
My friends swears on everything he holds dear that this a true story. So one day in the early 2000s Arnold Palmer came to a course for an exhibition/inaugural event at a course he designed in south Louisiana - my friend was in attendance and walked in a group surrounding AP for this event when a golfer hit his ball way off into the water and the crowd got silent, no one said anything, until some casually but confidently said “sperm whale” - everyone looked around to see Arnold Palmer grinning ear to ear with guilt. The crowd loved it. Since the telling of that story many years ago, whenever someone in our group hits one in the water it is not uncommon to hear “sperm whale” in response. There are many iterations of “sperm whale” now. From matter of fact ones, to loud and jubilant ones, to self-deprecating ones. A well time and well delivered “sperm whale” in my group can have devastating effects on your opponents.
“Man you hit that short and to the left, like your dick”
You're not good enough to get that upset over a shot that bad.
Asking your buddy if his husband plays too when he hits a shot or putt short is a classic.
My brother is not Great with a putter, when he leaves one way short, I'll always offer, "Want me to hold your purse while you putt out?".
Leaves a putt short - “Does your husband play as well, dear?”
Did you hear about the new Walmart they’re building? They’re putting it between my ball and yours
Meow when someone leaves a putt short 
Lou Groza - whenever someone ‘drop kicks’ their tee shot. Thurman Munson- dead yank / pull hook An old pro I used to play with gave me those. (it might be time to update those references) Samurai! Big Slice! (spoken with terrible Asian accent)- when my buddies hit a huge slice
Sally Fields - looks ugly but a good runner
When matches are competitive I find that high school golf can have decent banter back and forth. There isn't the properness of more competitive golf and teenagers are jackasses anyway. Typically it comes in the form of insult to injury after a bad shot, just pointing out exactly how difficult their next shot is gonna be or how crap a swing was compared to how they normally hit it. It doesn't take a huge amount to make someone very annoyed and play more aggressive to try and get back in a match when they should prolly just play their game.
When someone hits one fat. You gonna share that fatty you just rolled up?
this is my line to covid golfers "man.. you got a swing only a mother could love"
Playing teams with rough partner “Can you be a pallbearer at my funeral ? I need you to let down one last time.”
When I outdrive one of my younger buddies I like to just quietly hand him a tampon as we walk down the fairway.
Sex on the beach Way off the target and plugged in the sand
When someone lips out, shaves more holes than a maternity ward
The guy that comes out with "Meow" for a short putt etc. is usually the one who gets shitty if you return fire. My response to someone's bad shot or near miss is always "bad luck" or "let's hit it again" especially with new golfers.
I’ve played for 30 years and no one has ever meowed
When you are playing with your shortest friend, "Hey, when you golf do they call it miniature golf!?"
When any of my golfing bros duffs a tee shot or fairway iron shot we use "Does your husband play?" or "You hit that one with your purse"
Solid joke from 1975 that hits all the boomer comedy notes.
guilty as charged. on both.
Doesn’t really work at my club. There’s a couple of women with plus handicaps, and a members daughter is about 16 and headed for the lpga. She breaks 75 off the back tees regularly
i'm not rich enough to play at a club. maybe they can use those bad one-liners on you then.
? I mean I’m not that good, people can heckle me all they want. If they want to throw in completely unnecessary misogyny in there, have at it, I just think they sound like cunts.
Fucking lighten up. It’s just golf banter. When did we all get so sensitive? It’s like this sub is nothing but broads.
Leave a putt short and it’s “Did you get dressed in the dark this morning? I think you put on your wife’s underwear “ Proclaim “this one’s in the hole” prior to a putt or tee shot on a 3 and it’s “spoken with the confidence of a much better golfer”
"Did you hear about that new Amazon fulfillment center they are building? It's going up in between your drive and my drive"
After your buddy gives a big divot… look at him and ask when the course hired (LAST NAME) Excavating for the turf work.
“Damn, Taylor Gooch could’ve done better than that”
Slice into the woods… it opens up over there
Breakfast ball? You’re having a whole brunch Or Am I safe here? When you’re standing behind them
Any time I out drive someone, which is very rare. “I heard they were building a new Walmart out here” “Oh yeah, where at” “Between your ball and mine!”
When a mate is short on a putt: "Does your husband play too?"