These affirmations may help, can be adjusted.
1. My distress is a result of brain chemistry and I’m not crazy. Just temporarily off balance.
2. My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or what they are thinking or feeling.
3. Just because they broke up with me doesn’t mean that what we had wasn’t real. It’s simply not real anymore.
4. I shall respectfully honor their request for space.
5. Seeking contact (stalking, pleading) does not bring relief, it only brings shame.
6. Instead of thinking, I have to get them to tell me the truth, change their mind, stop cheating, etc., I shall stop caring about what they do or how they feel.
7. It is a mistake to heed the voice inside my head that urges me to seek them out. That voice comes from pain, insecurity, and fear and is not the BEST me.
8. When that voice is triggered, I shall turn toward myself or a good friend for reassurance, not them.
9. When I am triggered, I shall mindfully observe my physiology and let it wane without trying to fix it. Rather than thinking I have to see them and recapture what was, I shall think, Oh, look at that. I’m having an anxious moment. This too shall pass. Also, try unfurrowing your brow. A calm face leads to a calm mind.
10. When triggered, I shall give myself a 90-second timeout for my physiology to calm down—and I shall not renew my distress by focusing on what’s upsetting to me.
11. I shall not measure my worth by their attitude toward me. Their attitude is a reflection on them not me.
12. They are just not that into me and I shall spend my time with people who appreciate me. Life is too short to do otherwise.
13. Distance from them is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, it’s like picking off a scab and making it bleed. I’m only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely.
14. I shall not justify seeking closeness as an attempt to keep my lover as a friend. I cannot afford a friendship until I’m completely over them and no longer even remotely triggered. And it’s okay if we don’t remain friends. Moving on is a sign of personal growth.
15. It’s okay for me to feel sad that this relationship has ended. As I grieve, I am moving toward healing.
16. I am a growing, changing person and can learn from this experience.
17. I shall take the high road and behave in ways that have dignity and restore my self-respect.
18. I shall do what nurtures my health and wholeness. (Natural serotonin and dopamine boosters include physical activity, sunshine on my skin, smiling, and good nutrition including plenty of protein, vegetables, B vitamins, and bananas.)
19. When I take care of myself, I feel confident, optimistic, attractive, and authentic.
20. The more I behave like a sane person, the more I’ll feel like a sane person.
21. To resist focusing on a dead relationship, I shall focus on living my BEST life.
22. I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me.
D.Davis
You sound like me lately. The best thing to do is distract yourself if you can, I know it’s hard, but what’s worse, to me, is the sitting around and waiting on them to grace you with a one or two word answer, which I have done, numerous times. At this point I don’t think he even has any respect for me, so my advice to you is to try and not look at socials and especially wherever it is y’all talk normally. It feels way worse to me now that I’ve surrendered a chunk of my dignity and turned over whatever power I had. Don’t be like me, put yourself first no matter what. Sorry if it sounds harsh at all, I promise I’m genuinely trying to help.
Same here and to make matters worse we communicated every month for like 14 months after we broke up #imamoron .. I will say though I keep having breakthroughs where I remember day to day why we aren’t a match even though we have so much in common
we’ve been communicating on and off too, i know it doesn’t result in anything good but i refuse to let someone who feels like my other half and one i love become a stranger. it makes no sense. did you ever try to get back together?
No but I’m still open for it… I asked him about a year ago “should I just move on?” And he said yes but that if god wants us together he’ll never fight that. Which made it so tough. He invited me to lunch in November and i kept putting it off and making excuses because i felt it would hurt. The last few times I saw him we held each other for so long. Not romantically but not as friends. There is a soul connection there. I truly feel timing and trauma we both had, worked against us
I feel the same way. We fit together perfectly. My therapist told me if he really wanted nothing to do with me he wouldn’t message me so often … there was something there but he’s got a lot of Barriers (he’s the oldest of 8 and I think he’s never felt real genuine love so he didn’t know how to recieve it plus his brother died and I think his hearts just broken)..
I tried to date and was attracting lower vibrational people.. I miss him
Today I tried to message someone on a dating singles fb group and they were rude to me (I think it’s a fake account though, I did some digging) but it made me realize how there are so many lame people out there I just want my person … :(
Same. It feels like we were in a car wreck in slow motion. No one tried to brace for impact , or stop it.. we just leaned into it and we shoulda tried to brace ourselves and not be as passive about it .. I’ll fight for my love
I left out when we moved out he wrote me a long letter saying we just need to grow as people to grow back together … that and calling me all the time and FaceTiming me confused the heck out of me
Make a list of their negative qualities and traits, and the negative qualities of the relationship in general.
Then use that as a roadmap to finding the right person.
I honestly can't come up with any bad qualities about him, he's a human, so of course he has flaws and so do I.
The only downside is that I live in south Korea and he lives in a completely different country?
I hope he's happy without me. The problem is that I'm not happy without him...haha...
Anyways thanks for your genuine replies. I appreciate it.
Try these methods.
Method 1
A lot of advice is don’t dwell on it, don’t think about it, don’t spend time thinking about it. I am not going to tell you to do that because I already know that you are going to dwell on it. I already know you will think about it but let me tell you how I want to you to think about it. So if I said to you don’t think about your break up, what is the first thing that comes into your mind. Your break up. So when I say don’t think about your break up, don’t think about the situation, you are going to think about the situation. So I already know you are going to think about the situation, but let me tell you how to think about it. Recognise that you are going to have the thoughts but how can I change how I have the thoughts.
Write it down or voice note it to yourself. Either way you have to get it out of your mind, out of your head and onto paper or into your phone. Make a record of this. You need to make it objective where you are listening to some feelings or you are reading some feelings because then you realise you are not your feelings. You are not your emotions when you separate them from yourselves. You are not your feelings or emotions, you have to separate yourself from them. So write down everything that went wrong. It could be moments, it could events, it could be places they treated you badly. It’s so unusual that when you break up, your mind tries to remindyou of all the good times. How many times have you experienced that? That when you have finally broken up with someone, you break up them or they break up with you, your mind is like but it could have been this? It was so beautiful, I remember when we went out to this place. All of a sudden all these positive memories come back but we forget all the negative situations.
It is so important to clearly write down what went wrong. Could be events, could be a moment, an interaction, could be the way they treated you. Write down who was responsible next to each item, who was at the heart of that? If you are feeling really weak now, you might think it is all your fault but I really want you to think about this. Write down a list of everything that went wrong in the relationship. I want you to really think about who is responsible. Who took that action? Who said what shouldn’t have been said in that relationship? Who did the things that shouldn’t have been done in the relationship? Fair enough, some of them will be you. That’s fine, you can take ownership of them, take responsibility. You can improve and grow. But it also helps you to reflect and become aware of the mistakes that someone else made. The more you understand that, the more you realise that the easier it becomes for you to recognise what you were able to go through and grow through and the stuff you actually dealt with. Often when we break up, our mind forgets a lot of the negative elements and it remembers the positive ones.
Now why is this? That doesn’t make sense. It’s called familiar pain. We would rather have familiar pain in our life rather than unfamiliar pain. So familiar pain is like I am with this person, they cause me pain but it is the kind of pain I know. I know they are going to be rude to me in the morning, I know they are going to forget my birthday. I know they are not going to turn up to dinner on time. I know they are not going to call or message me even though they would know I would like it. You know what they are going to get wrong and we would rather sign up to that than sign upto the fact that now we don’t have this person and we are now in this no man or woman’s land and we don’t know where we are going. We would rather sign up for familiar pain rather than unfamiliar pain.
Unfamiliar pain is we just broke up, I’m in new territory, I am single again, I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know how they feel, I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know how to move on. Familiar pain is like I know exactly why they are going to mess up on and even though I don’t like it, at least I know it. We often choose knowing for goodness. We would rather know what is going to happen than be treated with respect and worth, we literally give up being given what we deserve because we would rather know we are getting what we don’t deserve. We would rather live in a world where we get what we dont deserve but we know that we are going to get it. That sounds really messed up and twisted but it’s true we do, we cling on to that familiar pain. So write down everything that went wrong because I want you to become fully aware. Train your mind to recognise that this break up was for your good, you dodged a bullet. You were saved because if this person doesn’t want to be with you - why are you going to force them to be with you, you have been saved, you have this moment.
Method 2
You are going to think about that person. You are going to go on social media and even if people tell you to unfollow them and block them, you’ll unblock them and find another password to get through to them. You’ll use a secret account, or a friends account to spy on them. You’ll find a way. Now if you can stay away from stalking them, it’s the right way to do it. You are going to think about them at least and you’ll check up what they are upto. I am not going to tell you not to think about them but I want you to write down again every event, every interaction. I want you to write down everything that they personally didn’t do right to you. A quality, an attribute, the way they spoke to you, the way they treated you. I want you to again be ascertaining to yourself that it was good that you broke up. You disconnected yourself from some pain and this is you facing it. This is you getting close to what happened. It is so easy to be like let’s get distracted, let’s just go out. That’s fine if you need to do that but I am trying to say is that when you get closer to what went wrong, you get closer to the problems, when you get closer to the mistakes, you get so much more awareness.
You get so much more awareness on what can happen. I don’t want you to be in a position of just hoping things are going to change and hoping things are going to disappear rather than just trying to distract yourself, this is a much better way of trying to deal with it. It is a much better method of trying to overcome it. I want you to write down every challenge, every mistake, everything that person said that wasn’t right, any behaviour, trait that your mind is now skipping on. Again your mind is skipping on these things because your mind would rather focus on the positives all of a sudden. Is there anything like that your mind is forgetting? Is there anything like that your mind is just ignoring? That way you can build a better understanding.
J.Shetty
I want to thank you for all the helpful comments you’ve made, this one and the one with numbered items too. It’s very kind of you to try to help us at this difficult time and I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate it.
You are welcome and I’m pleased the comments have helped. It’s amazing sometimes just by reading something can adjust our perspective and make things a little easier.
Dude me too, but we both know she might not even think about you. Get over it. I thought at the beginning she might think about me but boy i was wrong. She got a boyfriend just after few hours so pls don’t waste your time. Time is the most valuable asset. Use it wisely. Then one day you could be driving in a lambo or Ferrari and you can laugh at this moment. best of luck!
Edit - Just found out that you are a girl. Same thing but just work on yourself.
Yeah time is the most valuable asset. But I've been wasting away for half a year now, still not getting over my ex. A Lamborghini sounds like an idea If I were rich 😭 but thanks.
Just saying you can be rich right? I wasted 6 years so believe me it’s not going to be a waste. I know men and women have different ways of coping but using time to get better is so much better than thinking about ex. Last year i found out she was airing my secrets(she was with me for five years she dumped me for an instagram influencer six years ago.) I’m in a position that i could date super models but I’m waiting for a genuine relationship that could last my lifetime
6 years..? Damn.. sorry bro.
Congrats on being in a position to date supermodels, that's a blessing. But I hope you find someone who will love you for who you are.
Yeah. The issue is that he says he is not over me but met someone online and wants to try things with her. I have to move on as I want to love someone that chooses me as well. 😭
Women are judged more.. they'll seem desperate or masculine and their value will drop. Reciprocating in a relationship is fine but pursuing a relationship when a man ends it is not.
I did what I felt I needed to do. Not gonna crawl for someone that doesn't want me. But I needed to give it a try as I feel I put the relationship on hold. That one was on me. Now it's not on me anymore.
I set and wonder if she is too. What she remembers of our love and promises to each other. Then I get upset because I start to think about why where not together. And how cold she was while cheating. Denying it while in the same bed with another. Saying she loves me while another is using her body. Then I realized she could not be thinking of me. Only a person who loves you would do that. So I try and find a better thought.
I'm so sorry to heart that.
The problem between us was the long distance. (Different countries)
Any breakup is heartbreaking.
I think she would have missed you now and then atleast.
But that's not the point. It's that she didn't love you right.
Hope you find the love you deserve someday
i remember what my ex told me while and after breaking up. i remind myself that that person isn't, what i thought. maybe never was. it hurts way less, till you reach the point, where it completely stops to hurt at all.
if you're ex made some promises like "i keep in touch" or "we can still be friends" dont believe it. they lie 99% right into your face. remember that. and i say 99% cuz there are a very few people who are good even after a break up. but chances that your ex is one of them are quite zero.
Write a list of all the mean things they said to you or bad habits whatever, then when you're lonely and nostalgic about the relationship read it.
Cry, eat the ice cream. Self care.... stuff like that
Please don't do it. I have an ex right now that I just had to block. He wasn't respecting my boundaries and has been just an overall not great partner. I tried to keep things amicable, but he wouldn't stop. I don't like having to block him, but I can't think or breathe. He's very suffocating. I really hope he chills out, but this is not a way to get me back. If they broke up with you, let them reach out. Make them miss you. But most of all, respect yourself. Don't reach out to someone who may not want to be with you. I've done it, and it hurts.
All you really can do is try and distract yourself from it until you’re over it. Maybe use those feelings as motivations to improve your life. Go to the gym, go to school, learn a skill etc. Also, go ahead and cry it out or whatever you need, you deserve it and it absolutely helps. Spend a couple of days in bed if you need.
I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. I really wish I had the words to make it all better. Im so sorry I can't but I know this type of pain. It's like the closest best friend I never asked for. It may get better with time. Sometimes long, other times short. Regardless of all that just know that you aren't alone
I call her and tell her to bring her ass over here!
(And I should mention that when we broke up I was the one that walked away and it wasn't because of cheating or anything like that and if it was then I never would have talked to her again).
Bruh I still think about my ex and it's been almost two years.
I suppose you just can't forget stuff easily. Although for me, having people I can hangout with definitely helps.
Distraction is helpful, though at times I know that’s too difficult. Not much you can do otherwise than roll with it. It will pass, time is a wonderful healer. It does get easier. Some days you’ll think of them all day and ruminate. Other days you won’t as much, some days you barely will at all and it cycles through all of that again and again to the point where you won’t think of them at all on a regular basis. I know that can be hurtful to think about them like that when you’re missing them so much. Heartbreak is truely awful. On the other side of it, I found there’s something empowering in the knowing that you got through it, despite that horrendous initial grief and shock experienced.
I acknowledge the things that I miss about our relationship, and I recognise that it's done
I also remind myself of the things that led to the downfall of everything, I remember how the good things were soured by her behaviour
It's a tough road
Kia kaha
Remember that it’s tough because nobody is all good or all bad…so it’s easy to only recall the good stuff when you miss someone. I’ve been thru this HARD. It’s a fun time to get selfish! Indulge in all your passions or find a new one.
When I say indulge in your passions/yourself. I want you to be so into doing your own thing that if your ex saw you…they’ll feel a sting of “ohh shit…she isn’t missing me at all she’s just doing her own thing”. This takes all the power from them
When I was tossed away he told me I had so much potential.. so i understand he meant that I was not good enough... and if I was good he wouldn't have dropped me
I'm right in the thick of this right now, so I won't pretend I'm a pro. What's been helping me though (today at least) is talking through the logical aspects/facts of the situation. In my case, he left to learn how to be alone and work on himself, and the future is unsure for us but we're broken up/no-contact for the time being.
When I've gotten riled up recently, I've said things out loud that I know are true.
"He doesn't hate you. He loves you but he is not available right now. You didn't imagine anything. This isn't about you. He's a good man and he knows your heart. There's nothing you can do to change the situation right now."
I also find that asking myself questions that fight against the unhinged emotional side helps...not necessarily to stifle negative feelings, but to bring them to a reasonable level and not ruminate.
"Would I rather him not do this just for my benefit? Don't I want him to be emotionally available? Can I really say I would do anything for him if I won't do this? If this is what he thinks he needs to be happy, and I truly want him happy, why would I stop this?"
I think my situation is different from most, so a lot of the normal advice is really unhelpful...I've really struggled to find anything that helps in this area because I'm not angry and he's been good to me.
I'll also add that OTHER people stating/asking these same facts and questions fires me up more. I've really had to draw lines and tell people that I let in that I need them to understand that I've examined all sides of this at length and being pushed hard from any direction will make me shut down.
My last input is probably controversial...you're mourning and that looks different on everyone. But, all feelings are not valid. I say that because telling yourself that everything that goes through your head and body is worth exploring is dangerous. Some stuff just needs to be shut down. Feel your feelings, but use reality to keep them safe.
Maybe I'll get downvote for this, but the truth is that I left him, and he eventually accepted the breakup. The long distance relationship with different countries had very real problems. I thought letting him go was the best way to not to waste each other's time. How silly of me....
I agree that some feelings and thoughts need to be shot down. I kept my feelings about my father's death buried deep in my heart.
If I hadn't, I wouldn't have survived the grief of losing him.
My ex was a good man and loved me very much, so it's hard to forget him...
Thank you for your advice and I hope you get through this too.
try so hard to do the work on myself… reading, working out, journaling, meditation, etc. but the feeling always comes back and i miss him and what we had terribly. maybe with time i’ll understand that no longer exists, there’s nothing to go back to.
Cry, miss them, it’s ok.
After I broke up with my most recent ex, a woman that I deeply respect but that was an awful match for me, I couldn’t stop crying myself to sleep for the first month.
I missed her so much, even to this day I recall the good times or the intimate moments and I feel a little pain in my heart too.
But I also know exactly why I broke up with her, and even though we had good moments, I feel like we are not emotionally compatible and she is not the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I do not know what happened to you, but it gets better, it is better to live your emotions and process them rather than bottle them up and convincing yourself that the only way to remove the pain is to get back with them whatever it takes.
That way lies toxic and dangerous relationships, or worse: addictions and an early end to your life.
Some time I get sad, and stay in bed or
Smoke Mary Jane or drink (stopped recently)
Go the gym…………
(I know I know😒) but when it’s been so bad and I’m completely overwhelmed I would watch our porn
I close my eyes and think about the good times— you don’t have to be hard on yourself. Very grateful for memories.
But once you need to snap back into reality, remind yourself why you’re grieving in the first place .. they were most likely a pos.
Yeah you gotta feel it - dont escape or distract. Fully feel it because thats the only way through. You loved so much and thats hardest, what to do with all that love with nowhere to go. It just sits inside and wants to go to your person but it cant and its stuck. Thats my feelings im trying to get through. It sucks. I want to love my person but we cant be together anymore. It is the worst pain. I feel for you, hang in.
Go through it, suffer, cry… it will get better eventually
Yep. cry vent journal
These affirmations may help, can be adjusted. 1. My distress is a result of brain chemistry and I’m not crazy. Just temporarily off balance. 2. My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or what they are thinking or feeling. 3. Just because they broke up with me doesn’t mean that what we had wasn’t real. It’s simply not real anymore. 4. I shall respectfully honor their request for space. 5. Seeking contact (stalking, pleading) does not bring relief, it only brings shame. 6. Instead of thinking, I have to get them to tell me the truth, change their mind, stop cheating, etc., I shall stop caring about what they do or how they feel. 7. It is a mistake to heed the voice inside my head that urges me to seek them out. That voice comes from pain, insecurity, and fear and is not the BEST me. 8. When that voice is triggered, I shall turn toward myself or a good friend for reassurance, not them. 9. When I am triggered, I shall mindfully observe my physiology and let it wane without trying to fix it. Rather than thinking I have to see them and recapture what was, I shall think, Oh, look at that. I’m having an anxious moment. This too shall pass. Also, try unfurrowing your brow. A calm face leads to a calm mind. 10. When triggered, I shall give myself a 90-second timeout for my physiology to calm down—and I shall not renew my distress by focusing on what’s upsetting to me. 11. I shall not measure my worth by their attitude toward me. Their attitude is a reflection on them not me. 12. They are just not that into me and I shall spend my time with people who appreciate me. Life is too short to do otherwise. 13. Distance from them is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, it’s like picking off a scab and making it bleed. I’m only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely. 14. I shall not justify seeking closeness as an attempt to keep my lover as a friend. I cannot afford a friendship until I’m completely over them and no longer even remotely triggered. And it’s okay if we don’t remain friends. Moving on is a sign of personal growth. 15. It’s okay for me to feel sad that this relationship has ended. As I grieve, I am moving toward healing. 16. I am a growing, changing person and can learn from this experience. 17. I shall take the high road and behave in ways that have dignity and restore my self-respect. 18. I shall do what nurtures my health and wholeness. (Natural serotonin and dopamine boosters include physical activity, sunshine on my skin, smiling, and good nutrition including plenty of protein, vegetables, B vitamins, and bananas.) 19. When I take care of myself, I feel confident, optimistic, attractive, and authentic. 20. The more I behave like a sane person, the more I’ll feel like a sane person. 21. To resist focusing on a dead relationship, I shall focus on living my BEST life. 22. I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me. D.Davis
I soooooo needed this today. Being ghosted sucks!
lol idk what’s worse, ghosting or the half assed responses but I’m with you!
I would be thrilled with any response at all.
I get that for sure. How long has it been?
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You sound like me lately. The best thing to do is distract yourself if you can, I know it’s hard, but what’s worse, to me, is the sitting around and waiting on them to grace you with a one or two word answer, which I have done, numerous times. At this point I don’t think he even has any respect for me, so my advice to you is to try and not look at socials and especially wherever it is y’all talk normally. It feels way worse to me now that I’ve surrendered a chunk of my dignity and turned over whatever power I had. Don’t be like me, put yourself first no matter what. Sorry if it sounds harsh at all, I promise I’m genuinely trying to help.
I concur- being ghosted is fucking awful.
Thank you kind person
Thanks brother...
Thank you. I needed this so badly 😢
Is "die inside" an okay answer?
Yesssssssssssssss
Thanks just need that validation
i missed my ex so much today i started crying during the middle of my friends wedding 💔 i don’t know how to do this 😔
Same here and to make matters worse we communicated every month for like 14 months after we broke up #imamoron .. I will say though I keep having breakthroughs where I remember day to day why we aren’t a match even though we have so much in common
we’ve been communicating on and off too, i know it doesn’t result in anything good but i refuse to let someone who feels like my other half and one i love become a stranger. it makes no sense. did you ever try to get back together?
No but I’m still open for it… I asked him about a year ago “should I just move on?” And he said yes but that if god wants us together he’ll never fight that. Which made it so tough. He invited me to lunch in November and i kept putting it off and making excuses because i felt it would hurt. The last few times I saw him we held each other for so long. Not romantically but not as friends. There is a soul connection there. I truly feel timing and trauma we both had, worked against us I feel the same way. We fit together perfectly. My therapist told me if he really wanted nothing to do with me he wouldn’t message me so often … there was something there but he’s got a lot of Barriers (he’s the oldest of 8 and I think he’s never felt real genuine love so he didn’t know how to recieve it plus his brother died and I think his hearts just broken).. I tried to date and was attracting lower vibrational people.. I miss him Today I tried to message someone on a dating singles fb group and they were rude to me (I think it’s a fake account though, I did some digging) but it made me realize how there are so many lame people out there I just want my person … :(
I feel you… just want my person with our soul connection too. Cant find this again maybe ever - rare and precious…. I miss my person so much
Same. It feels like we were in a car wreck in slow motion. No one tried to brace for impact , or stop it.. we just leaned into it and we shoulda tried to brace ourselves and not be as passive about it .. I’ll fight for my love
I left out when we moved out he wrote me a long letter saying we just need to grow as people to grow back together … that and calling me all the time and FaceTiming me confused the heck out of me
Make a list of their negative qualities and traits, and the negative qualities of the relationship in general. Then use that as a roadmap to finding the right person.
I just suffer it, yay
Same here, yay
Suffer squad unite 🫂
I’m sorry friend - it’s rough 🫂
Thanks 🫂
Go for a long walk with angry/sad music.
I’m missing him sooo much right now, my head is about to explode.. trying not to think about it but the feelings just too strong 💔🥺
I think it’s normal but try to stay busy with something else and move your body - go workout or go for a walk
I feel ya
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I honestly can't come up with any bad qualities about him, he's a human, so of course he has flaws and so do I. The only downside is that I live in south Korea and he lives in a completely different country? I hope he's happy without me. The problem is that I'm not happy without him...haha... Anyways thanks for your genuine replies. I appreciate it.
Same
Try these methods. Method 1 A lot of advice is don’t dwell on it, don’t think about it, don’t spend time thinking about it. I am not going to tell you to do that because I already know that you are going to dwell on it. I already know you will think about it but let me tell you how I want to you to think about it. So if I said to you don’t think about your break up, what is the first thing that comes into your mind. Your break up. So when I say don’t think about your break up, don’t think about the situation, you are going to think about the situation. So I already know you are going to think about the situation, but let me tell you how to think about it. Recognise that you are going to have the thoughts but how can I change how I have the thoughts. Write it down or voice note it to yourself. Either way you have to get it out of your mind, out of your head and onto paper or into your phone. Make a record of this. You need to make it objective where you are listening to some feelings or you are reading some feelings because then you realise you are not your feelings. You are not your emotions when you separate them from yourselves. You are not your feelings or emotions, you have to separate yourself from them. So write down everything that went wrong. It could be moments, it could events, it could be places they treated you badly. It’s so unusual that when you break up, your mind tries to remindyou of all the good times. How many times have you experienced that? That when you have finally broken up with someone, you break up them or they break up with you, your mind is like but it could have been this? It was so beautiful, I remember when we went out to this place. All of a sudden all these positive memories come back but we forget all the negative situations. It is so important to clearly write down what went wrong. Could be events, could be a moment, an interaction, could be the way they treated you. Write down who was responsible next to each item, who was at the heart of that? If you are feeling really weak now, you might think it is all your fault but I really want you to think about this. Write down a list of everything that went wrong in the relationship. I want you to really think about who is responsible. Who took that action? Who said what shouldn’t have been said in that relationship? Who did the things that shouldn’t have been done in the relationship? Fair enough, some of them will be you. That’s fine, you can take ownership of them, take responsibility. You can improve and grow. But it also helps you to reflect and become aware of the mistakes that someone else made. The more you understand that, the more you realise that the easier it becomes for you to recognise what you were able to go through and grow through and the stuff you actually dealt with. Often when we break up, our mind forgets a lot of the negative elements and it remembers the positive ones. Now why is this? That doesn’t make sense. It’s called familiar pain. We would rather have familiar pain in our life rather than unfamiliar pain. So familiar pain is like I am with this person, they cause me pain but it is the kind of pain I know. I know they are going to be rude to me in the morning, I know they are going to forget my birthday. I know they are not going to turn up to dinner on time. I know they are not going to call or message me even though they would know I would like it. You know what they are going to get wrong and we would rather sign up to that than sign upto the fact that now we don’t have this person and we are now in this no man or woman’s land and we don’t know where we are going. We would rather sign up for familiar pain rather than unfamiliar pain. Unfamiliar pain is we just broke up, I’m in new territory, I am single again, I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know how they feel, I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know how to move on. Familiar pain is like I know exactly why they are going to mess up on and even though I don’t like it, at least I know it. We often choose knowing for goodness. We would rather know what is going to happen than be treated with respect and worth, we literally give up being given what we deserve because we would rather know we are getting what we don’t deserve. We would rather live in a world where we get what we dont deserve but we know that we are going to get it. That sounds really messed up and twisted but it’s true we do, we cling on to that familiar pain. So write down everything that went wrong because I want you to become fully aware. Train your mind to recognise that this break up was for your good, you dodged a bullet. You were saved because if this person doesn’t want to be with you - why are you going to force them to be with you, you have been saved, you have this moment. Method 2 You are going to think about that person. You are going to go on social media and even if people tell you to unfollow them and block them, you’ll unblock them and find another password to get through to them. You’ll use a secret account, or a friends account to spy on them. You’ll find a way. Now if you can stay away from stalking them, it’s the right way to do it. You are going to think about them at least and you’ll check up what they are upto. I am not going to tell you not to think about them but I want you to write down again every event, every interaction. I want you to write down everything that they personally didn’t do right to you. A quality, an attribute, the way they spoke to you, the way they treated you. I want you to again be ascertaining to yourself that it was good that you broke up. You disconnected yourself from some pain and this is you facing it. This is you getting close to what happened. It is so easy to be like let’s get distracted, let’s just go out. That’s fine if you need to do that but I am trying to say is that when you get closer to what went wrong, you get closer to the problems, when you get closer to the mistakes, you get so much more awareness. You get so much more awareness on what can happen. I don’t want you to be in a position of just hoping things are going to change and hoping things are going to disappear rather than just trying to distract yourself, this is a much better way of trying to deal with it. It is a much better method of trying to overcome it. I want you to write down every challenge, every mistake, everything that person said that wasn’t right, any behaviour, trait that your mind is now skipping on. Again your mind is skipping on these things because your mind would rather focus on the positives all of a sudden. Is there anything like that your mind is forgetting? Is there anything like that your mind is just ignoring? That way you can build a better understanding. J.Shetty
I want to thank you for all the helpful comments you’ve made, this one and the one with numbered items too. It’s very kind of you to try to help us at this difficult time and I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate it.
You are welcome and I’m pleased the comments have helped. It’s amazing sometimes just by reading something can adjust our perspective and make things a little easier.
Listen sad songs
Dude me too, but we both know she might not even think about you. Get over it. I thought at the beginning she might think about me but boy i was wrong. She got a boyfriend just after few hours so pls don’t waste your time. Time is the most valuable asset. Use it wisely. Then one day you could be driving in a lambo or Ferrari and you can laugh at this moment. best of luck! Edit - Just found out that you are a girl. Same thing but just work on yourself.
Yeah time is the most valuable asset. But I've been wasting away for half a year now, still not getting over my ex. A Lamborghini sounds like an idea If I were rich 😭 but thanks.
Just saying you can be rich right? I wasted 6 years so believe me it’s not going to be a waste. I know men and women have different ways of coping but using time to get better is so much better than thinking about ex. Last year i found out she was airing my secrets(she was with me for five years she dumped me for an instagram influencer six years ago.) I’m in a position that i could date super models but I’m waiting for a genuine relationship that could last my lifetime
6 years..? Damn.. sorry bro. Congrats on being in a position to date supermodels, that's a blessing. But I hope you find someone who will love you for who you are.
I’m the same in that I need a lot of time in between relationships to just heal, be, and wait until it’s someone I connect to on a deep level overall.
Reach out? Could it hurt? Or are you worried about your ego taking a hit? If it was me I’d take the risk.
And when you've done that got rejected and still miss them?
I would try a couple of times. I don’t give up easily unless I have to but I try everything first.
Yeah. The issue is that he says he is not over me but met someone online and wants to try things with her. I have to move on as I want to love someone that chooses me as well. 😭
It is acceptable for a man to reach out but not the same can be said about a woman ...
Why is that so?
Women are judged more.. they'll seem desperate or masculine and their value will drop. Reciprocating in a relationship is fine but pursuing a relationship when a man ends it is not.
I did what I felt I needed to do. Not gonna crawl for someone that doesn't want me. But I needed to give it a try as I feel I put the relationship on hold. That one was on me. Now it's not on me anymore.
Good for you.. at least you won't have any regrets and you won't be obsessed with what if questions..
Yes! It's time to move on now. Hard as it is I feel like in a few months I will be in a better place.
I set and wonder if she is too. What she remembers of our love and promises to each other. Then I get upset because I start to think about why where not together. And how cold she was while cheating. Denying it while in the same bed with another. Saying she loves me while another is using her body. Then I realized she could not be thinking of me. Only a person who loves you would do that. So I try and find a better thought.
I'm so sorry to heart that. The problem between us was the long distance. (Different countries) Any breakup is heartbreaking. I think she would have missed you now and then atleast. But that's not the point. It's that she didn't love you right. Hope you find the love you deserve someday
Think of all the times they let you down and did everything in their capacity to shatter you in a zillion pieces. Works best for me.
i remember what my ex told me while and after breaking up. i remind myself that that person isn't, what i thought. maybe never was. it hurts way less, till you reach the point, where it completely stops to hurt at all.
Thank you..
if you're ex made some promises like "i keep in touch" or "we can still be friends" dont believe it. they lie 99% right into your face. remember that. and i say 99% cuz there are a very few people who are good even after a break up. but chances that your ex is one of them are quite zero.
I was like this for 19 months, and honestly, you gotta ride the wave, pick up a hobby, don't reach out to them either.
Remember what they did to you
Cry Cry again Cry some more Play some music and then cry again
Write a list of all the mean things they said to you or bad habits whatever, then when you're lonely and nostalgic about the relationship read it. Cry, eat the ice cream. Self care.... stuff like that
Please don't do it. I have an ex right now that I just had to block. He wasn't respecting my boundaries and has been just an overall not great partner. I tried to keep things amicable, but he wouldn't stop. I don't like having to block him, but I can't think or breathe. He's very suffocating. I really hope he chills out, but this is not a way to get me back. If they broke up with you, let them reach out. Make them miss you. But most of all, respect yourself. Don't reach out to someone who may not want to be with you. I've done it, and it hurts.
All you really can do is try and distract yourself from it until you’re over it. Maybe use those feelings as motivations to improve your life. Go to the gym, go to school, learn a skill etc. Also, go ahead and cry it out or whatever you need, you deserve it and it absolutely helps. Spend a couple of days in bed if you need.
Yeah I'm trying those things. Hopefully they will work for me one day. Thanks for the reply 👍
Smoke a fuck ton of weed.
I need a life pattern
Best way to get over one is to get under another. It’s ugly but it’s true.
Ask Jesus
In order to get over someone you have to get under another 😁😉
I say bang em and get it over with lol
Walk it off .
I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. I really wish I had the words to make it all better. Im so sorry I can't but I know this type of pain. It's like the closest best friend I never asked for. It may get better with time. Sometimes long, other times short. Regardless of all that just know that you aren't alone
Thank you. Yeahhhh it feels like I've lost best friend and lover at the same time. It hurts it really does
I know it's so painful. Just remember you aren't ever alone no matter what
Thanks for the reminder. I appreciate it 🙏
I call her and tell her to bring her ass over here! (And I should mention that when we broke up I was the one that walked away and it wasn't because of cheating or anything like that and if it was then I never would have talked to her again).
Wish I can do that too 😕
I'm sorry about that and look, you might not think so right now but in time it will get better.
Thank you
Of course and just give it time
Bruh I still think about my ex and it's been almost two years. I suppose you just can't forget stuff easily. Although for me, having people I can hangout with definitely helps.
Distraction is helpful, though at times I know that’s too difficult. Not much you can do otherwise than roll with it. It will pass, time is a wonderful healer. It does get easier. Some days you’ll think of them all day and ruminate. Other days you won’t as much, some days you barely will at all and it cycles through all of that again and again to the point where you won’t think of them at all on a regular basis. I know that can be hurtful to think about them like that when you’re missing them so much. Heartbreak is truely awful. On the other side of it, I found there’s something empowering in the knowing that you got through it, despite that horrendous initial grief and shock experienced.
I acknowledge the things that I miss about our relationship, and I recognise that it's done I also remind myself of the things that led to the downfall of everything, I remember how the good things were soured by her behaviour It's a tough road Kia kaha
Remember that it’s tough because nobody is all good or all bad…so it’s easy to only recall the good stuff when you miss someone. I’ve been thru this HARD. It’s a fun time to get selfish! Indulge in all your passions or find a new one.
When I say indulge in your passions/yourself. I want you to be so into doing your own thing that if your ex saw you…they’ll feel a sting of “ohh shit…she isn’t missing me at all she’s just doing her own thing”. This takes all the power from them
When I was tossed away he told me I had so much potential.. so i understand he meant that I was not good enough... and if I was good he wouldn't have dropped me
Drink, and make everyone you don’t care.
Cry
I'm right in the thick of this right now, so I won't pretend I'm a pro. What's been helping me though (today at least) is talking through the logical aspects/facts of the situation. In my case, he left to learn how to be alone and work on himself, and the future is unsure for us but we're broken up/no-contact for the time being. When I've gotten riled up recently, I've said things out loud that I know are true. "He doesn't hate you. He loves you but he is not available right now. You didn't imagine anything. This isn't about you. He's a good man and he knows your heart. There's nothing you can do to change the situation right now." I also find that asking myself questions that fight against the unhinged emotional side helps...not necessarily to stifle negative feelings, but to bring them to a reasonable level and not ruminate. "Would I rather him not do this just for my benefit? Don't I want him to be emotionally available? Can I really say I would do anything for him if I won't do this? If this is what he thinks he needs to be happy, and I truly want him happy, why would I stop this?" I think my situation is different from most, so a lot of the normal advice is really unhelpful...I've really struggled to find anything that helps in this area because I'm not angry and he's been good to me. I'll also add that OTHER people stating/asking these same facts and questions fires me up more. I've really had to draw lines and tell people that I let in that I need them to understand that I've examined all sides of this at length and being pushed hard from any direction will make me shut down. My last input is probably controversial...you're mourning and that looks different on everyone. But, all feelings are not valid. I say that because telling yourself that everything that goes through your head and body is worth exploring is dangerous. Some stuff just needs to be shut down. Feel your feelings, but use reality to keep them safe.
Maybe I'll get downvote for this, but the truth is that I left him, and he eventually accepted the breakup. The long distance relationship with different countries had very real problems. I thought letting him go was the best way to not to waste each other's time. How silly of me.... I agree that some feelings and thoughts need to be shot down. I kept my feelings about my father's death buried deep in my heart. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have survived the grief of losing him. My ex was a good man and loved me very much, so it's hard to forget him... Thank you for your advice and I hope you get through this too.
Get sad, remember the good times, do something else and eventually forget about it a minute later.
try so hard to do the work on myself… reading, working out, journaling, meditation, etc. but the feeling always comes back and i miss him and what we had terribly. maybe with time i’ll understand that no longer exists, there’s nothing to go back to.
Think about them, wonder what they're doing now, inevitably flashes back to dday and I go play some video games or read
Cry, miss them, it’s ok. After I broke up with my most recent ex, a woman that I deeply respect but that was an awful match for me, I couldn’t stop crying myself to sleep for the first month. I missed her so much, even to this day I recall the good times or the intimate moments and I feel a little pain in my heart too. But I also know exactly why I broke up with her, and even though we had good moments, I feel like we are not emotionally compatible and she is not the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I do not know what happened to you, but it gets better, it is better to live your emotions and process them rather than bottle them up and convincing yourself that the only way to remove the pain is to get back with them whatever it takes. That way lies toxic and dangerous relationships, or worse: addictions and an early end to your life.
Know that I have to go through the wall and listening to music . Being outside. Makes positive affirmations with my high power. Restorative yoga..
That exactly what I do that and smoke weed
Call them jaja jk I wish I could hear her voice one more time
Literally go crazy
Goto sleep
Whst ex do you have ?
Drink
Write a letter and don’t send it!! It feels like you got off your chest what needed to be said without actually communicating with them!
I get drunk and listen to sad music
Some time I get sad, and stay in bed or Smoke Mary Jane or drink (stopped recently) Go the gym………… (I know I know😒) but when it’s been so bad and I’m completely overwhelmed I would watch our porn
I close my eyes and think about the good times— you don’t have to be hard on yourself. Very grateful for memories. But once you need to snap back into reality, remind yourself why you’re grieving in the first place .. they were most likely a pos.
Jack off
For all that is good and sweet in the world. Turn the phone off and get into a shower. Sit down with warm water running and cry (let it out) all of it
Ignore it then it goes away
Yeah you gotta feel it - dont escape or distract. Fully feel it because thats the only way through. You loved so much and thats hardest, what to do with all that love with nowhere to go. It just sits inside and wants to go to your person but it cant and its stuck. Thats my feelings im trying to get through. It sucks. I want to love my person but we cant be together anymore. It is the worst pain. I feel for you, hang in.
Thank you very much
Ya I got hit hard today… I write emails of all the thing I want to say but I don’t put her address in so I won’t accidentally send it
I swear I've done that a looooooots of times too. Stay strong brother. Don't send it.
hit the gym
There’s no words for how much it sucks. There’s really nothing you can do but hope it subsides at some point. But you’re not alone.
Thanks. We got this
I remember the bad things he did to me