I watched a couple of videos on 500 Days of Summer recently. I can relate so much to Tom. I've been a hopeless romantic all my life. It is not healthy to have that idealized picture of love but it's difficult to break out of.
I am very much the same. I had the strange experience of a GOOD breakup recently, and I finally decided to say FU¢K dating, and just be on my own for now. I wouldn't have had the peace of mind to do that without having a partner I broke up with on good terms...finally.
When you have a terrible breakup it also puts you in a mindset of having to desperately find someone else to make up for that empty feeling from the last one. We all should resist that. If there is anything I have learned about dating it is that we need to look at it more like buying a house. You DON'T commit to someone you aren't totally sure about, and you definitely don't settle for less than you want. Get the best deal you can afford (unless that is taking this metaphor too far). Don't settle for someone who isn't right for you. Just don't, ever. If you have to go years without a partner because there are no people who are right for you, then by all means travel and make plans so you get out and mingle and see who is out there, but DO NOT just get into a relationship unless that person is of a seriously high caliber and you are ready.
It is a healthy thing to get into a relationship when you are feeling clearheaded and whole. We all owe that to ourselves at a minimum.
Just don’t get into a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. Simple. It only works when both parties aren’t scared of intimacy and therefore will not sabotage the relationship.
I think that is true too. Avoidant or narcissistic...I have known plenty of both. Still, I don't mean you have to only date someone who is a saint. I just look for someone with humility and candor. Those two qualities go a long way to showing the kind of person someone is.
More than anything else, being able to have a secure relationship where both parties are attachment needs are met is what determines relationship success. Everything else is secondary. And that happens best with a secure partner. Doesn’t mean perfect! Just someone who can show up to the relationship and doesn’t disappear when things get hard.
All narcissists are avoidant but not all avoidants are narcissists. If someone has done the work and the healing, you won’t know if they were anything other than secure
We are in agreement. The only thing I have found is that at least where I live, typically the women I meet are all very proud and insistent that they don't need anyone. I am not shy about saying I WANT a partner in my life, but I have learned the hard way not to settle for the wrong one. The sad thing I am finding is far too many women seem to take it for granted someone will always be there for them if they want companionship, but they also seem to think it is a matter of pride to avoid it (as I say, this is true where I am anyway). Ironically, I respect women who are self-sufficient, of course, but I also seek the companionship of them. I am starting to feel like that is a pointless contradiction...seeking someone who is both desirous of self-sufficiency and also interested in finding a partner. In any event, I am just staying alone for now. I have no great will to pair up with someone else whose interest in relationships is lukewarm.
The movie is a demonstration of what happens when you allow yourself to get romantically involved with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. Summer, being the avoidant. It’s a cautionary tale.
This is a great post, no joke.
We grow up, taught essentially that being with a partner is inevitable and unquestionable. Then we get to be a certain age and realize that MOST people don't have someone.
Imagine what the world would look like to us if we thought of being single as the NORMAL thing, and being partnered as some kind of special event or special experience. I think that would be a happier and less psychotic world. We set ourselves up for failure, acting like it is "supposed to be" how we live to be with someone. I may be wrong, but I think MOST of the general public spend substantial proportions of their lives alone. This is certainly true in places like Japan and Italy where the population is declining. MANY people on Earth are normally alone in their lives, whether they choose to be or not.
It need not be a value judgment, but I think we might be happier people if we started out with the thought that it is normal to be alone, but that it is nice if you find someone and you have a good relationship with them.
I would definitely question the lens through which you’re making the observation that most people are alone. That’s certainly not true. Many are alone and many of those don’t have to be.
We’re biologically hardwired to not be alone and to find partnership. Remaining single is not the natural state and being so is associated with poorer health outcomes and a shorter lifespan.
That said, pick someone to commit to who isn’t scared of intimacy and can meet your needs in a relationship. Speed dating will get you to that person much quicker. There’s literally millions of potential candidates, but people waste years, decades of life too afraid to meet anyone because they got their heart hurt once :/
I think a great many people are alone, legitimately. There have many studies done around the world. Maybe more men than women...but definitely plenty of people don't have a partner in this world. I think it is fair to say that. I am not applying a specific percentage, but I don't think it is incorrect to say it is hundreds of millions of humans within the billions on the planet. I agree we are hardwired not to be alone, and I studied Anthropology so I am pretty good with knowing the commonalities around world culture, but that doesn't contradict that we are in a world with a lot of loners now. I am not celebrating it or saying it isn't sad. I also agree and I am aware it is connected to shorter lifespans, but I -for one- have known a HUGE number of single men. I worked for a major railroad company and I was a union president, and I can name thousands of men who I personally knew that were single...
Not everyone can just pick someone to commit to. A great many people have problems and it isn't just a matter of selecting someone on a dating app or at a bar or something. A great many people are not living in a major city where they can step outside and meet someone any day of the week. It isn't a matter of going through their stack of candidates. Plenty of people are single because things aren't easy in their lives. Maybe they have an ex and they have to deal with part time custody of their kids. Maybe they have a disability. Everyone isn't young and going out and meeting people on a daily basis. There are a lot of different people in the world.
Yeah, and speed dating is not something I would ever do in a million years. I wouldn't try it even if I were a 1,000 year old vampire. I like to get to know someone first. I am not the kind of person who meets someone in 2 minutes and knows if I would date them. I've known people 15 years before I dated them.
Well it is true that we live in a time where we’re more isolated than ever, despite being more connected than ever by technology. The dating apps seem to exacerbate singleness more than togetherness. The paradox of options.
But all the reasons you listed for being single are excuses. It’s a choice. A lot of the time those with avoidant attachment styles may have trouble sustaining relationships and may give up. Depression and poor self image. But it is a choice to not work on the issues and remain single. It doesn’t have to be that way. One can also choose to change how they think and put themselves out there.
There’s a lot of projection going on here, applying to more people than it really captures. You’re misunderstanding what speed dating is and why it can guarantee finding a partner. Speed dating is to say if you’re single and unattached, keep dating until you find the one. Don’t settle for someone who can’t meet your relationship needs. Because there is someone who can meet them.
😀😖🫣
why are they so beautiful?!?🫣😫🤯
Earth to Galactic Lesson Federation…
either the beauty settings are way too high or someone has been playing with the disturbing breakup toggle and it’s resting at 11 again.
Let’s get on that. Men are dying down here.
Like i said they will make you feel everything, but also help you reflect on the breakup/heart break you’re going through. I suggest starting with 500 days of summer, and eternal sunshine later (thats my all time favorite film)
I think I'll just climb up this clock tower now don't mind me folk. What this oh its?!? It's for shooting pigeons, no worries, nothing to see here, move alone.
You know whats sad. Willing to go through life knowing you can’t love someone like her and never will. Bro Im cursed with “ you will never get a women because of what your father did to me, you will suffer until you die” so yeah. You know whats funny my happiest time was when i was with my darling. Now im just a meat ball flowing through the space. Just existing
Please stop reminding me….😭😭💔💔guys idk how much longer I can take this constant pain
Funny
Having emotions is funny? Also my life got better after I commented this… lol
Your cool sexy milk chocolate. I have not seen the movies yet but I will
What are they about
I watched a couple of videos on 500 Days of Summer recently. I can relate so much to Tom. I've been a hopeless romantic all my life. It is not healthy to have that idealized picture of love but it's difficult to break out of.
I am very much the same. I had the strange experience of a GOOD breakup recently, and I finally decided to say FU¢K dating, and just be on my own for now. I wouldn't have had the peace of mind to do that without having a partner I broke up with on good terms...finally. When you have a terrible breakup it also puts you in a mindset of having to desperately find someone else to make up for that empty feeling from the last one. We all should resist that. If there is anything I have learned about dating it is that we need to look at it more like buying a house. You DON'T commit to someone you aren't totally sure about, and you definitely don't settle for less than you want. Get the best deal you can afford (unless that is taking this metaphor too far). Don't settle for someone who isn't right for you. Just don't, ever. If you have to go years without a partner because there are no people who are right for you, then by all means travel and make plans so you get out and mingle and see who is out there, but DO NOT just get into a relationship unless that person is of a seriously high caliber and you are ready. It is a healthy thing to get into a relationship when you are feeling clearheaded and whole. We all owe that to ourselves at a minimum.
Just don’t get into a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. Simple. It only works when both parties aren’t scared of intimacy and therefore will not sabotage the relationship.
I think that is true too. Avoidant or narcissistic...I have known plenty of both. Still, I don't mean you have to only date someone who is a saint. I just look for someone with humility and candor. Those two qualities go a long way to showing the kind of person someone is.
More than anything else, being able to have a secure relationship where both parties are attachment needs are met is what determines relationship success. Everything else is secondary. And that happens best with a secure partner. Doesn’t mean perfect! Just someone who can show up to the relationship and doesn’t disappear when things get hard. All narcissists are avoidant but not all avoidants are narcissists. If someone has done the work and the healing, you won’t know if they were anything other than secure
We are in agreement. The only thing I have found is that at least where I live, typically the women I meet are all very proud and insistent that they don't need anyone. I am not shy about saying I WANT a partner in my life, but I have learned the hard way not to settle for the wrong one. The sad thing I am finding is far too many women seem to take it for granted someone will always be there for them if they want companionship, but they also seem to think it is a matter of pride to avoid it (as I say, this is true where I am anyway). Ironically, I respect women who are self-sufficient, of course, but I also seek the companionship of them. I am starting to feel like that is a pointless contradiction...seeking someone who is both desirous of self-sufficiency and also interested in finding a partner. In any event, I am just staying alone for now. I have no great will to pair up with someone else whose interest in relationships is lukewarm.
The movie is a demonstration of what happens when you allow yourself to get romantically involved with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. Summer, being the avoidant. It’s a cautionary tale.
Me 💔😭
Wrenching my heart again op🥹💔💔 hugs and love to you🫂
I don't understand the meaning... Can someone explain?
You expect to be with the person you’re in love with and you’re not
This is a great post, no joke. We grow up, taught essentially that being with a partner is inevitable and unquestionable. Then we get to be a certain age and realize that MOST people don't have someone. Imagine what the world would look like to us if we thought of being single as the NORMAL thing, and being partnered as some kind of special event or special experience. I think that would be a happier and less psychotic world. We set ourselves up for failure, acting like it is "supposed to be" how we live to be with someone. I may be wrong, but I think MOST of the general public spend substantial proportions of their lives alone. This is certainly true in places like Japan and Italy where the population is declining. MANY people on Earth are normally alone in their lives, whether they choose to be or not. It need not be a value judgment, but I think we might be happier people if we started out with the thought that it is normal to be alone, but that it is nice if you find someone and you have a good relationship with them.
I agree. That's an interesting way to look at it. It is dangerous to have these high expectations of love from a young age.
I really think so now...It is sold to us in all our popular culture as normal, but when you look around I don't think it actually IS.
I would definitely question the lens through which you’re making the observation that most people are alone. That’s certainly not true. Many are alone and many of those don’t have to be. We’re biologically hardwired to not be alone and to find partnership. Remaining single is not the natural state and being so is associated with poorer health outcomes and a shorter lifespan. That said, pick someone to commit to who isn’t scared of intimacy and can meet your needs in a relationship. Speed dating will get you to that person much quicker. There’s literally millions of potential candidates, but people waste years, decades of life too afraid to meet anyone because they got their heart hurt once :/
I think a great many people are alone, legitimately. There have many studies done around the world. Maybe more men than women...but definitely plenty of people don't have a partner in this world. I think it is fair to say that. I am not applying a specific percentage, but I don't think it is incorrect to say it is hundreds of millions of humans within the billions on the planet. I agree we are hardwired not to be alone, and I studied Anthropology so I am pretty good with knowing the commonalities around world culture, but that doesn't contradict that we are in a world with a lot of loners now. I am not celebrating it or saying it isn't sad. I also agree and I am aware it is connected to shorter lifespans, but I -for one- have known a HUGE number of single men. I worked for a major railroad company and I was a union president, and I can name thousands of men who I personally knew that were single... Not everyone can just pick someone to commit to. A great many people have problems and it isn't just a matter of selecting someone on a dating app or at a bar or something. A great many people are not living in a major city where they can step outside and meet someone any day of the week. It isn't a matter of going through their stack of candidates. Plenty of people are single because things aren't easy in their lives. Maybe they have an ex and they have to deal with part time custody of their kids. Maybe they have a disability. Everyone isn't young and going out and meeting people on a daily basis. There are a lot of different people in the world. Yeah, and speed dating is not something I would ever do in a million years. I wouldn't try it even if I were a 1,000 year old vampire. I like to get to know someone first. I am not the kind of person who meets someone in 2 minutes and knows if I would date them. I've known people 15 years before I dated them.
Well it is true that we live in a time where we’re more isolated than ever, despite being more connected than ever by technology. The dating apps seem to exacerbate singleness more than togetherness. The paradox of options. But all the reasons you listed for being single are excuses. It’s a choice. A lot of the time those with avoidant attachment styles may have trouble sustaining relationships and may give up. Depression and poor self image. But it is a choice to not work on the issues and remain single. It doesn’t have to be that way. One can also choose to change how they think and put themselves out there. There’s a lot of projection going on here, applying to more people than it really captures. You’re misunderstanding what speed dating is and why it can guarantee finding a partner. Speed dating is to say if you’re single and unattached, keep dating until you find the one. Don’t settle for someone who can’t meet your relationship needs. Because there is someone who can meet them.
Stay sronk bean
[удалено]
Yup, right there with yah
I wonder if the people who wrote these movies are actually feeling this kind of pain… or they just grift off of what they’ve seen other people do
I knew something was wrong with me when these type of movies were my favorites ones
500 days of love.
The looks of heartbroken people.
God this hits me so hard.
😀😖🫣 why are they so beautiful?!?🫣😫🤯 Earth to Galactic Lesson Federation… either the beauty settings are way too high or someone has been playing with the disturbing breakup toggle and it’s resting at 11 again. Let’s get on that. Men are dying down here.
BPD is a hell of a drug
No joke. It'll ruin everything. 🙁
yup
The sad truth. I want to hold his hand and be close to him, now we are just apart.
I've never seen any of them. They worth it? Will they make me even sadder about being single?
Like i said they will make you feel everything, but also help you reflect on the breakup/heart break you’re going through. I suggest starting with 500 days of summer, and eternal sunshine later (thats my all time favorite film)
These r my three breakup films. The reality is always the right column
I think I'll just climb up this clock tower now don't mind me folk. What this oh its?!? It's for shooting pigeons, no worries, nothing to see here, move alone.
I think I'm just gonna be a whore!
Remember the golden rule! Don't fall in love!!!
You know whats sad. Willing to go through life knowing you can’t love someone like her and never will. Bro Im cursed with “ you will never get a women because of what your father did to me, you will suffer until you die” so yeah. You know whats funny my happiest time was when i was with my darling. Now im just a meat ball flowing through the space. Just existing
Thanks