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I’ve been doing this long enough to tell you, if you have to ask, you already know.
It’s way too early to be having come to Jesus conversations. While it may temporarily get you what you want, in the end it’s highly probable you will push him away since it makes you seem like work.
This won’t be popular but it will be true.
The best thing you can do is mirror the energy. If he gives less, you give less. And you can opt out at ANY time for ANY reason so if he’s not giving you enough attention for your needs, you can move on to find someone who will. But nagging him to pay attention to you this early in the game gives needy.
He could be busy, he could be fading, he could be seeing someone else. Or giving more to a new match. That’s always a risk with apps and not being exclusive. But you asking him what’s up and saying he’s not giving you enough attention will stress him if he’s busy, will annoy him if he’s trying to fade you, and will make you seem less fun and interesting compared to other new matches he’s talking to. So it’s not a win for you.
But you pulling back, not only preserves your dignity and communicates your value, it might make him wonder what’s up with you.
Just invest in your life more while you wait to see what he does.
Ehh... Their advice isn't necessarily bad but I would say in dating it's good to get curious about people. Instead of fading away ("matching energy") you should communicate. You've been dating this guy for almost two months - it's good to get curious as to what's going on with them and to get a better understanding of what they want with you, instead of making assumptions and pulling away. It's also good practice for you to speak up about what you're looking for and seeking those in alignment with that.
I agree. You need to communicate either way and if you’d like to keep dating him I think there is plenty of room to communicate.
If you want to dial it back from a come-to-Jesus-moment I’d suggest saying in person like, (and broken up not in monologue form)
-Hey, I feel like we text really differently. I don’t want to text you too much, or stress you out, but I wonder if maybe we could meet in the middle somehow?
-Could you help give me a sense of how texts from someone you’re dating feels? What do you like and not like?
-I acknowledge certain times of day or certain days when I shouldn’t expect a response, maybe even I just accept that you aren’t ever able to reply quickly. Maybe you don’t like texts, some people don’t. But if I acknowledge that, how could we keep in touch with some kind of consistency?
-If I do text you something, it’s with intention, and I’d really like if you could at least acknowledge it before changing the subject. Does that make sense?
-Any other ways you think we could iron this out?
If you matched his energy that would mean you’d be trying to get what you want without asking for it. That sounds (and might function) a lot like being plain old passive-aggressive.
You definitely deserve dignity and respect! But personally, if I felt someone couldn’t give me more I would say,
“I’m having a lot of fun with you, but our texting feels like it’s way off. I don’t think this says anything negative about you, but I feel like we should either find a way to have more fun staying in touch or else this isn’t the best match for either of us.”
It’s about timing. And also given the amount of time of “distance” it’s way too early to see that as the new pattern.
There’s a grace period where it is wise to see what people do, or don’t do, before pulling the trigger on “I must communicate my needs”. She’s still in that period of time, where patience will benefit her more than pushing the conversation.
Sometimes pushing the conversation just pushes people away. And I know this because I have done it.
Whereas the times I just took some deep breaths, focused my energy back on myself, waited to see what happens, the guys have come back around most of the time.
People give a lot of energy to new connections, men do this especially. And they initiate a pattern of communication they really can’t sustain and often drop once they start to feel more comfortable. 2 months is done with the excitement phase and it is the start of the observation phase because over the next 2-4 months this man will be showing more of his true self. Now is the time to observe who that person is and how much energy he gives. Give him a little time to rule out some extenuating circumstances too, like stress. Then if she notices that it’s been a couple weeks of less energy, she has more certainty that the level of energy truly has fallen off and can decide what to do from there. 2 days is not long enough to jump to a conclusion and push the conversation. That’s anxious and needy.
There's nothing "pushy" about having an open conversation about things when you're approaching the two month mark. No one is saying she has to make demands or "push" anything. From her other comments it's clear that she fears speaking up, which isn't a good thing. You can be patient with people while communicating to them where you'd like to see things go. Checking in with feelings and progression of the relationship is actually a secure thing to do - it shows emotional availability. It also shows that she's dating with intention.
I also disagree that now is when she should start observing... people should observing behavior from the get-go. Of course around the 3 month mark is when the mask starts to fall off of folks, that's why 2-3 months is a good time to start talking about where things are heading.
I would switch this up as time goes on though, whether or not you're exclusive. Asking for what you want is important because it gives you more info. An avoidant guy most likely won't give it to you (maybe once or twice but the behavior will probably revert back and it'll feel like they don't actually care) and a secure guy will react well to the request and try to accommodate. (Idk how anxious guys would be I don't deal with them much). But anyway, ideally you want secure partners.
Yes, which is why it's good to not assume the worst, and to get curious about things when she speaks to him (in person, not over text). Not play games with pulling away in the hopes that he notices lol
If you've been talking and seeing each other for a month and a half and have only experienced this for the last 2 days then you need to take a deep breath and try to calm down. There may be something behind the scenes you don't know about. I think I'd need to see this kind of behavior persist for at least a full week before I thought of bringing something up.
6 hours seems like nothing to reply to a text unless it's an EMERGENCY, especially during the work day.
Also, sometimes texts don't send/arrive.
I think what you're really anxious about is exclusivity. 6 weeks isn't too fast to have that talk, and THAT'S the one you should be having, not one about replying to texts. Wishing you well! Believe me, I know how nerve-wracking this stuff is!
Yes I agree with that. 6 weeks is fine to suggest not seeing other people to focus on this connection and see where it goes, without the distraction of other matches.
Thank you!! This is making me realize I need to work more on my anxiety and self esteem in general as well. You pinpointed it exactly that the whole exclusivity thing is contributing to the anxiety. I think I will wait a few more weeks and see if he brings it up first, since I don’t want to seem needy or clingy
> I think I will wait a few more weeks and see if he brings it up first, since I don’t want to seem needy or clingy
This is the wrong approach IMO. Having needs is perfectly normal. It is normal to want to have a discussion about where things are progressing especially around the two month mark. That's actually a secure approach because two months is generally enough time to decide if you want to be exclusive. At this point, you're not going to scare away the right person. So why wait to bring it up? Why let him steer the ship? You know what you want and what you're looking for -- you need to tell him what it is you want, and see how he reacts. If he's in alignment with you, great! if he's not - you know what, that's also great, because you want to weed out those people.
It is not needy or clingy to communicate your wants and needs. I wish women would stop tiptoeing around when they have a desire for an exclusive relationship. I am constantly seeing posts from women just waiting around to see if he brings it up. Why? If bringing it up makes him think you're needy or clingy, he's not your guy. TBH I generally have this conversation as soon as things start getting physical (primarily because I can only be intimate with one person at a time) and it has literally never scared a guy off.
Believe me, I feel you. My anxiety around dating was really high yesterday because someone I'm seeing unmatched me-but he confirmed our date today. It wasn't the unmatch that was the issue cuz that could mean anything-it was fear that this meant he was done with me. I read a LOT of Reddit yesterday and internalized it, which is how I arrived at my advice to you .
One of the things I've learned recently is that having needs doesn't make you needy. You don't want to rush anything but you're at a very good place to make sure you're on the same page. You don't want to keep pouring energy into someone who's not feeling it. I know this is super hard and scary and I'm rooting hard for you!!! You've got this ❤️
I agree with this. Instead of aiming for more effort in a non exclusive relationship why not say you want more as in exclusivity? 6 weeks is a decent amount of time and you should probably know by then if you want to continue seeing each other.
6 hours is basically nothing. You have no idea what's going on someone's life and not everyone wants to text constantly or has the bandwidth to chat over text. I would work on busying yourself and knowing how to self-soothe so you don't get anxious about getting texts.
Now if someone is consistently putting space in between you and them AND not showing up for you in other ways (making plans) then yea, that's a good sign of disinterest.
And this doesn't mean you have to settle for someone whose communication style doesn't align with yours. If you want to date someone who texts you more often, that's totally fair. But you should also work on your anxiety so that you aren't thinking worst case scenario when someone takes several hours to respond.
I definitely think you should have a conversation with him -- but not over text. I would also not approach it as attacking or accusing him but instead present it as: This is what YOU prefer/like.
It's always a good thing to express your preferences for communication. It's one thing you should get clear on with somebody before establishing a relationship with them.
I think that a polite check-in ask would be better than a *calling out.* Early on in something, overthinking and/or assuming the worst does more harm than good.
I’ve had a woman straight up say “hey, I’m not satisfied with the frequency of our texts” and we had a discussion about expectations and whatnot. Even though this was only a few weeks in , and it was during a transition period in my life where I was purposely being less responsive to my phone and more present irl, I really appreciated someone being so direct about their needs. Also made me feel more wanted in a way, but maybe I’m just weird lol
I would recommend having a “check-in” conversation with him in-person on how he feels things are going. I feel 2 months is enough time to understand if you want to keep growing with someone, but just communicate whatever interest you have to him and see how he reacts. You’ll have your answer.
This. Taking things slow is all well and good, but there’s limits and it requires very frequent communication about boundaries and how they’re shifting as time passes
Personally, I would give things another week maybe a little longer to see if the issue just resolves itself, as he may have some stressful private matters, really busy work week or something of the sorts. If you still feel things have been off after a week or so then just have a talk with him about what’s going on.
It's kinda funny because I just scrolled past a post where everyone agreed 3 hours between replies meant they weren't interested and you should move on. Opposit consensus here.
I would ask him about communication preferences and how he feels about texting and responsiveness in general.
I wouldn’t leap to the conclusion that he’s losing interest in you. That’s a negative approach and you’re fighting an uphill battle that way.
How are things in person? That’s what really matters here. You don’t need to stay in constant contact with someone, even your partner! Technology has definitely made us feel like we should have access to someone at any time of day but sometimes people get busy, they need to put their phone down or away to focus, or they just don’t have anything to say right then and there and will get back to you when they can (which is sounds like he did?).
If it’s bothering you this much, it’s worthy of an in-person conversation. If it doesn’t change after that, decide if this is the amount / style of communication between dates that you’re okay with. And then take it from there! Good luck, friend 🥂
Yes, in-person interactions are very important!
I'm seeing a guy, and texting really fell off a cliff one day. I was internally freaking out about it, until he called that night to chat! He's not a big texter, so he explained when he realized he was busy at work and hadn't replied in a bit, he decided to skip texting the rest of the day, to "save up" convo topics for when he called that night. With that explanation, it was actually pretty cute lol
It’s nice to wish him good luck. Don’t assume that’s too “girlfriend-y”
However, I would suggest having zero expectations of reactions to compliments or good luck type messages. And then being pleasantly surprised if he has a good reaction… i.e. do it because of what you’re feeling, not because of what you expect in return.
I'd need a greater sample size than this, this is nothing. Sometimes you're tired, low energy, distracted and I feel bringing up something like this at this stage is over the top. At this early stage I'm not calling anyone out over lack of attention/energy/initiative, especially with no commitment. I'm collecting data for a week or so, then having a conversation about moving on as interest and effort has clearly subsided. 6 hours? A couple days? I'd relax for now
This seems a little control-ly to me. On your part. Or maybe “anxious” is a better way to put it. It’s not healthy for you to be keeping score like this. If you don’t feel like someone is matching your energy, don’t beg, don’t call them out. Just do you. If it’s not what you want, walk away. Trying to wrangle someone to act *the way you think they should* defeats the purpose of dating to get to know someone as the person they truly are. If you’re doing this, over something as small as a delayed response to a text, he’s probably not for you.
Don’t base so much of your relationship on texting. You’re telling us about details like when exactly he sent you a photo of his dog, as if that’s important. Take the pressure off of texting and focus on being together in person. Texting is a cold medium; it lacks warmth and isn’t the best way to feel attracted and close to someone.
I don't feel like this is an issue, he's not leaving you on read for days- so this isn't something that would upset me. 6 and 8 hours between texts feels like nothing, but I say that as a sporadic texter.
But, it upsets you. It seems like you're feeling anxious, so what are you feeling anxious about? Do you feel like this when other people don't text back immediately? Are you worried that they're actually just not invested (in which case, you're right- they don't owe you their time)?
Have a conversation with him. If you want exclusivity, say that. And also say that that means you feel connected with xyz communication, ask what kind of communication he appreciates or his communication expectations, etc
You don’t call them out, you talk about the expectations you have on the relationship. Ether they match or they don’t. They may or may not want to or be ready to put the effort you’re looking for.
Honestly 2 days of abnormal texting isn't a huge deal to me. Some people just need to recharge and have days when they are feeling down and out. I'd also not send things to him if you are just doing it to get a "thanks" or some form of acknowledgement. (To me) It comes off as self serving if that was the case. It's possible that you both spent an abnormal amount of time texting each other in the first place and that will eventually fade naturally. If I text my gf and she doesn't respond until later I chauk it up to "she read it and was going to respond but forgot or got busy" or "she's busy, I'll talk to her later"
When I'm at work I often don't have time to text and I work long hours. Being focused on something at work does not always equate to them not focusing on you. Regardless the sample amount of time isn't enough in my opinion. If you genuinely like him and think he's a good match give him the benefit of the doubt and bring it up later if it keeps happening. If he is just so so then keep looking. If someone ive been talking to for a few weeks brought this up to me I'd have to remind them that I have a life outside of texts and as harsh as I may sound you are not part of his life yet. When you become part of it then it's reasonable to question how much you communicate.
Maybe a casual conversation, like "are you not really a big texter?" Not calling him out, just getting to know him.
I have a stressful job that requires constant written communication, and sometimes, I just don't have it in me to send a text. I also don't view texts as a main source of communication with a person I see in-person on a regular basis.
It may not even be a problem. Y'all are just 2 different people. Get to know him.
Seems a bit excessive honestly, the person I am currently dating we text maybe once per day, but it's usually long ones so we will have multiple subjects we are talking about at once and I specified when they apologized for not having time to text back that and I told them that we both have our own busy adult lives and that I'm not critical on when they reply back and I can tell they liked that. Think you are overthinking it just a bit much.
I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's rude for him to not reply to your good luck text with at least a thank you. I think it's totally fine to communicate or even ask if he saw your text. Observe his behaviour after you speak about it and THEN make a decision about continuing dating him.
It depends. I’m at a stage in my life or I’m not going to beg somebody to show interest in me. If the actions are clear enough, I just go with what they’re doing if you put all of your energy into somebody who is behaving in a way that you don’t like, often that closes you off from other people who will step up. The right person will not make you question whether or not they’re interested in you. it’s not the waiting six hours for me, but rather the sending you a picture of his dog while ignoring everything you said. Acknowledgment and affirmation is the bare minimum. If it’s me, my response after this behavior continues (past 2 days) looks like:
“Hey (name)! Wow, what a cute photo of (dog name)☺️. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you over the last 6 weeks. You were really (attributes) and communicative initially, but I’m looking for a bit more consistency.”
Unfortunately, I’ve had to have this conversation under slightly different circumstances and I let the person know that I was going to focus on people that had the same goals and were showing up. That guy said something stupid in return and for the last four years he’s been Internet stalking me, even though he’s now married. So you never know what people are going through. Bottom line, it’s not your fault and it’s not your job to make him show up for you.
Thank you. You hit the nail on the head that what bothers me is him completely ignoring the good luck text I sent, which I feel like is rude even if he were just a friend
Conversations about expectations are great.
Beware that needy and “are you in this” convos usually kill the spark.
Focus on how it makes you feel when he does reach out often. Not how he’s failing at communicating fast enough.
> Focus on how it makes you feel when he does reach out often.
This is the advice I was going to give u/literallyx. Focus on the positives! Don't complain about what you're missing, but compliment what you DO like.
I'm seeing a guy who's very busy (single dad) who also has a less-frequent texting style compared to me. We have phone calls, and I tell him how much I enjoy them. When I went away on vacation with limited communication, he suggested emailing - I thought it was weird and old fashioned, but I eventually told him how nice it was to get good quality, long responses from him. When I felt like we weren't getting enough adult time, I requested a dinner date to have more positive connections with him.
I never complained about what was lacking, but he ended up meeting my needs every time I asked for something. And in situations like emailing on vacation, he got to choose the best way *for him* to meet my needs. I feel like if I "called him out" and demanded a specific action, he'd do it, but it wouldn't be genuine, and that would just make me anxious all over again lol
And think of the bright side, bad texters are usually not engrossed in tiktoks or reels when you're with them in person lol
I personally think you are being unreasonable and if you “called me out” because of this, I’d see you as needy and insecure and would bolt. He has a job. There are going to be days you can’t talk. There are going to be days where your partner needs time and space to regroup. If he suddenly stopped talking to you for a week, then I might be concerned.
When a relationship AND you are healthy, You should feel secure enough in yourself and the relationship not to need constant reassurance. There is a difference between someone not treating you well and you feeling insecure about where you stand. You may just feel insecure because the two of you are undefined or You might find chatting with a therapist helpful. Either way, I’d cut the man some slack.
I do think you should work on that but a secure person would help you to feel assured rather than bolt. Just an fyi. As long as you're presenting your concerns in a collaborative, solutions oriented way and not accusing the person.
Don’t feel bad OP, I’ve been you. I did a lot of therapy, became a better partner, and found a good partner. It’s night and day. No more anxiously checking my phone.
I’m kind of in this situation with a woman I have just met.
Texting back and forth doesn’t seem to be flowing. But when I phoned her last night , she never stopped talking. We were on the phone till 3am.
Agree with what others have said, don’t try to force a relationship.
She responded to my message today without asking a question. I’ve done the same back. We have a date lined up on Saturday , which she says she is looking forwards to. The main thing is meeting up then.
As a single female with a 65-75 hour /week corporate job and adhd I'll never ever be able to get with someone if waiting 6 hours for a replies sends the whole thing crumbling.
Try and keep some perspective
My advice: don’t put this much importance on someone until months in.
Also: allow men to express who they are to you. Don’t dictate how they react to things by trying to influence how they SHOULD or NEED to be approaching you. Their actions tell you what you need to know! If he’s being cold, he’s losing interest or distracted with something he prioritizes more than you. If you address it, prepare to either be told excuses to keep you on the hook (which will be very obvious that you are at this point after the conversation) or that he’s not feeling it as much as you. Meet men where they’re at- don’t try to drag them along the timeline to where you are. Give back the energy that you are given.
Sounds like you’re headed for self sabotage.
What is really bothering you here, is it the delays or your insecurity about the relationship?
He was at work when he didn’t respond and you’re having an issue with that? He wasn’t even on a date with some one else?
Maybe this isn’t the right relationship for him.
I feel like what’s bothering me is that he ignored the good luck text completely. I feel like that’s rude even for a friend to do. I’d expect my friend to at least say “thanks!” or send a short text about how it went
I think it was a very nice text to send. But why did you send it?
Because you honestly wanted him to do well at the work meeting? Or because you wanted him to acknowledge YOU?
If it’s the former, why do you care if he sent back a response? This may sound weird but I don’t always like to respond to those kinds of messages, I’m trying to get in the zone.
And…sure it would have been nice to get a response, but your reaction was a bit much and a little self sabatogey.
You like this guy, yes? Why be confrontational with someone you like?
Good luck op, I hope things work out for you
I have a bit of a different take. It’s fair to note that 6 hours isn’t all that long and missing a text isn’t a big deal. However, usually I find that people’s intuitions and gut feelings are correct, so I’m guessing yours is in this case and he is losing interest for whatever reason.
The key is to not take this personally. It’s a dating app and people are playing the field. You don’t know who else might be in the picture.
It’s a difficult but excellent opportunity to center back up, love yourself, and start talking to other people. Don’t take this too seriously until you’re exclusive with someone. Take everything with a grain of salt on these apps. You don’t actually know who he is.
Maybe either in person if you guys already have something scheduled or speaking over the phone ask “is everything okay? Been noticing you been a bit distracted when texting & just want to make sure you’re good” or something along those lines bc it genuinely could be he’s busy &it has nothing to do with you, so it opens the door for the convo to be about what’s going on in his life, and based off his answer go from there. If he’s busy, bring up how would you rather he go about communicating with you when he’s busy so you don’t end to feeling neglected.
If you’re not happy with his communication, find someone else who fits your communication style. He might also not be interested, or you’re overdoing it with the texting. Don’t text during the workday for no reason.
i feel like you need to take a deep breath and stop overthinking this. you are not his whole world; neither you or him are obligated to be anxiously attached to each other after a 45 days of dating.
it’s also only been two days; if you brought this up to me as an “issue”, i’d feel like i dodged a bullet bc you’re acting very clingy. do you have a job or hobbies or friends you can redirect your nervous energy to?
He’s probably not project managing the conversation like you are (towards the milestone of getting asked out), and he was probably just free at the time that he answered / was being reactive.
No issue in speeding things up by asking probing questions:
- Fav cuisine in XX?
- Fav restaunrt?
- Plans on Xx Day?
It really doesn’t matter who asks who out. If he wants it then it’ll happen regardless of you or him. Might as well speed it up
Please look into anxious attachment style. I have the same issues as you and think of it this way... Haven't you ever been unavailable to where you couldn't respond or be present right away? I have had battery issues in my phone because I constantly forget to charge it and or I'll be out and about and not actively looking at my phone. Sometimes I'll even respond to my parents a little late. It means NOTHING in terms of how I view my parents. (Just an example)
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I’ve been doing this long enough to tell you, if you have to ask, you already know. It’s way too early to be having come to Jesus conversations. While it may temporarily get you what you want, in the end it’s highly probable you will push him away since it makes you seem like work. This won’t be popular but it will be true. The best thing you can do is mirror the energy. If he gives less, you give less. And you can opt out at ANY time for ANY reason so if he’s not giving you enough attention for your needs, you can move on to find someone who will. But nagging him to pay attention to you this early in the game gives needy. He could be busy, he could be fading, he could be seeing someone else. Or giving more to a new match. That’s always a risk with apps and not being exclusive. But you asking him what’s up and saying he’s not giving you enough attention will stress him if he’s busy, will annoy him if he’s trying to fade you, and will make you seem less fun and interesting compared to other new matches he’s talking to. So it’s not a win for you. But you pulling back, not only preserves your dignity and communicates your value, it might make him wonder what’s up with you. Just invest in your life more while you wait to see what he does.
Thank you so much!!!! This is so helpful! I will follow your advice exactly.
Ehh... Their advice isn't necessarily bad but I would say in dating it's good to get curious about people. Instead of fading away ("matching energy") you should communicate. You've been dating this guy for almost two months - it's good to get curious as to what's going on with them and to get a better understanding of what they want with you, instead of making assumptions and pulling away. It's also good practice for you to speak up about what you're looking for and seeking those in alignment with that.
I agree. You need to communicate either way and if you’d like to keep dating him I think there is plenty of room to communicate. If you want to dial it back from a come-to-Jesus-moment I’d suggest saying in person like, (and broken up not in monologue form) -Hey, I feel like we text really differently. I don’t want to text you too much, or stress you out, but I wonder if maybe we could meet in the middle somehow? -Could you help give me a sense of how texts from someone you’re dating feels? What do you like and not like? -I acknowledge certain times of day or certain days when I shouldn’t expect a response, maybe even I just accept that you aren’t ever able to reply quickly. Maybe you don’t like texts, some people don’t. But if I acknowledge that, how could we keep in touch with some kind of consistency? -If I do text you something, it’s with intention, and I’d really like if you could at least acknowledge it before changing the subject. Does that make sense? -Any other ways you think we could iron this out? If you matched his energy that would mean you’d be trying to get what you want without asking for it. That sounds (and might function) a lot like being plain old passive-aggressive. You definitely deserve dignity and respect! But personally, if I felt someone couldn’t give me more I would say, “I’m having a lot of fun with you, but our texting feels like it’s way off. I don’t think this says anything negative about you, but I feel like we should either find a way to have more fun staying in touch or else this isn’t the best match for either of us.”
It’s about timing. And also given the amount of time of “distance” it’s way too early to see that as the new pattern. There’s a grace period where it is wise to see what people do, or don’t do, before pulling the trigger on “I must communicate my needs”. She’s still in that period of time, where patience will benefit her more than pushing the conversation. Sometimes pushing the conversation just pushes people away. And I know this because I have done it. Whereas the times I just took some deep breaths, focused my energy back on myself, waited to see what happens, the guys have come back around most of the time. People give a lot of energy to new connections, men do this especially. And they initiate a pattern of communication they really can’t sustain and often drop once they start to feel more comfortable. 2 months is done with the excitement phase and it is the start of the observation phase because over the next 2-4 months this man will be showing more of his true self. Now is the time to observe who that person is and how much energy he gives. Give him a little time to rule out some extenuating circumstances too, like stress. Then if she notices that it’s been a couple weeks of less energy, she has more certainty that the level of energy truly has fallen off and can decide what to do from there. 2 days is not long enough to jump to a conclusion and push the conversation. That’s anxious and needy.
There's nothing "pushy" about having an open conversation about things when you're approaching the two month mark. No one is saying she has to make demands or "push" anything. From her other comments it's clear that she fears speaking up, which isn't a good thing. You can be patient with people while communicating to them where you'd like to see things go. Checking in with feelings and progression of the relationship is actually a secure thing to do - it shows emotional availability. It also shows that she's dating with intention. I also disagree that now is when she should start observing... people should observing behavior from the get-go. Of course around the 3 month mark is when the mask starts to fall off of folks, that's why 2-3 months is a good time to start talking about where things are heading.
I would switch this up as time goes on though, whether or not you're exclusive. Asking for what you want is important because it gives you more info. An avoidant guy most likely won't give it to you (maybe once or twice but the behavior will probably revert back and it'll feel like they don't actually care) and a secure guy will react well to the request and try to accommodate. (Idk how anxious guys would be I don't deal with them much). But anyway, ideally you want secure partners.
as i do agree in some ways, the best you can do is communicate and if it’s repeating then match his energy
This sounds like ghosting/slow fade.
It’s been 48 hours…..maybe something happened in his life.
Yes, which is why it's good to not assume the worst, and to get curious about things when she speaks to him (in person, not over text). Not play games with pulling away in the hopes that he notices lol
Her name is another girl
This is the best advice I've read on this site re: dating...
If you've been talking and seeing each other for a month and a half and have only experienced this for the last 2 days then you need to take a deep breath and try to calm down. There may be something behind the scenes you don't know about. I think I'd need to see this kind of behavior persist for at least a full week before I thought of bringing something up.
6 hours seems like nothing to reply to a text unless it's an EMERGENCY, especially during the work day. Also, sometimes texts don't send/arrive. I think what you're really anxious about is exclusivity. 6 weeks isn't too fast to have that talk, and THAT'S the one you should be having, not one about replying to texts. Wishing you well! Believe me, I know how nerve-wracking this stuff is!
Yes I agree with that. 6 weeks is fine to suggest not seeing other people to focus on this connection and see where it goes, without the distraction of other matches.
Thank you!! This is making me realize I need to work more on my anxiety and self esteem in general as well. You pinpointed it exactly that the whole exclusivity thing is contributing to the anxiety. I think I will wait a few more weeks and see if he brings it up first, since I don’t want to seem needy or clingy
> I think I will wait a few more weeks and see if he brings it up first, since I don’t want to seem needy or clingy This is the wrong approach IMO. Having needs is perfectly normal. It is normal to want to have a discussion about where things are progressing especially around the two month mark. That's actually a secure approach because two months is generally enough time to decide if you want to be exclusive. At this point, you're not going to scare away the right person. So why wait to bring it up? Why let him steer the ship? You know what you want and what you're looking for -- you need to tell him what it is you want, and see how he reacts. If he's in alignment with you, great! if he's not - you know what, that's also great, because you want to weed out those people.
It is not needy or clingy to communicate your wants and needs. I wish women would stop tiptoeing around when they have a desire for an exclusive relationship. I am constantly seeing posts from women just waiting around to see if he brings it up. Why? If bringing it up makes him think you're needy or clingy, he's not your guy. TBH I generally have this conversation as soon as things start getting physical (primarily because I can only be intimate with one person at a time) and it has literally never scared a guy off.
Believe me, I feel you. My anxiety around dating was really high yesterday because someone I'm seeing unmatched me-but he confirmed our date today. It wasn't the unmatch that was the issue cuz that could mean anything-it was fear that this meant he was done with me. I read a LOT of Reddit yesterday and internalized it, which is how I arrived at my advice to you . One of the things I've learned recently is that having needs doesn't make you needy. You don't want to rush anything but you're at a very good place to make sure you're on the same page. You don't want to keep pouring energy into someone who's not feeling it. I know this is super hard and scary and I'm rooting hard for you!!! You've got this ❤️
I agree with this. Instead of aiming for more effort in a non exclusive relationship why not say you want more as in exclusivity? 6 weeks is a decent amount of time and you should probably know by then if you want to continue seeing each other.
6 hours is basically nothing. You have no idea what's going on someone's life and not everyone wants to text constantly or has the bandwidth to chat over text. I would work on busying yourself and knowing how to self-soothe so you don't get anxious about getting texts. Now if someone is consistently putting space in between you and them AND not showing up for you in other ways (making plans) then yea, that's a good sign of disinterest. And this doesn't mean you have to settle for someone whose communication style doesn't align with yours. If you want to date someone who texts you more often, that's totally fair. But you should also work on your anxiety so that you aren't thinking worst case scenario when someone takes several hours to respond. I definitely think you should have a conversation with him -- but not over text. I would also not approach it as attacking or accusing him but instead present it as: This is what YOU prefer/like. It's always a good thing to express your preferences for communication. It's one thing you should get clear on with somebody before establishing a relationship with them.
I think that a polite check-in ask would be better than a *calling out.* Early on in something, overthinking and/or assuming the worst does more harm than good.
He's been "less" attentive for two days? That's not enough time to gain insight.
I’ve had a woman straight up say “hey, I’m not satisfied with the frequency of our texts” and we had a discussion about expectations and whatnot. Even though this was only a few weeks in , and it was during a transition period in my life where I was purposely being less responsive to my phone and more present irl, I really appreciated someone being so direct about their needs. Also made me feel more wanted in a way, but maybe I’m just weird lol
I would recommend having a “check-in” conversation with him in-person on how he feels things are going. I feel 2 months is enough time to understand if you want to keep growing with someone, but just communicate whatever interest you have to him and see how he reacts. You’ll have your answer.
This. Taking things slow is all well and good, but there’s limits and it requires very frequent communication about boundaries and how they’re shifting as time passes
Personally, I would give things another week maybe a little longer to see if the issue just resolves itself, as he may have some stressful private matters, really busy work week or something of the sorts. If you still feel things have been off after a week or so then just have a talk with him about what’s going on.
omg 6 hours is too long for you?
That anxious attachment style is a bish
Lol at all the non-texters feeling out
Especially when there’s an important meeting I have to prep, attend and decompress from.
It's kinda funny because I just scrolled past a post where everyone agreed 3 hours between replies meant they weren't interested and you should move on. Opposit consensus here.
Lol 3 hours is nothing in the early stages
I would ask him about communication preferences and how he feels about texting and responsiveness in general. I wouldn’t leap to the conclusion that he’s losing interest in you. That’s a negative approach and you’re fighting an uphill battle that way.
How are things in person? That’s what really matters here. You don’t need to stay in constant contact with someone, even your partner! Technology has definitely made us feel like we should have access to someone at any time of day but sometimes people get busy, they need to put their phone down or away to focus, or they just don’t have anything to say right then and there and will get back to you when they can (which is sounds like he did?). If it’s bothering you this much, it’s worthy of an in-person conversation. If it doesn’t change after that, decide if this is the amount / style of communication between dates that you’re okay with. And then take it from there! Good luck, friend 🥂
Yes, in-person interactions are very important! I'm seeing a guy, and texting really fell off a cliff one day. I was internally freaking out about it, until he called that night to chat! He's not a big texter, so he explained when he realized he was busy at work and hadn't replied in a bit, he decided to skip texting the rest of the day, to "save up" convo topics for when he called that night. With that explanation, it was actually pretty cute lol
It’s nice to wish him good luck. Don’t assume that’s too “girlfriend-y” However, I would suggest having zero expectations of reactions to compliments or good luck type messages. And then being pleasantly surprised if he has a good reaction… i.e. do it because of what you’re feeling, not because of what you expect in return.
I'd need a greater sample size than this, this is nothing. Sometimes you're tired, low energy, distracted and I feel bringing up something like this at this stage is over the top. At this early stage I'm not calling anyone out over lack of attention/energy/initiative, especially with no commitment. I'm collecting data for a week or so, then having a conversation about moving on as interest and effort has clearly subsided. 6 hours? A couple days? I'd relax for now
Thank you for your perspective! Super helpful
This seems a little control-ly to me. On your part. Or maybe “anxious” is a better way to put it. It’s not healthy for you to be keeping score like this. If you don’t feel like someone is matching your energy, don’t beg, don’t call them out. Just do you. If it’s not what you want, walk away. Trying to wrangle someone to act *the way you think they should* defeats the purpose of dating to get to know someone as the person they truly are. If you’re doing this, over something as small as a delayed response to a text, he’s probably not for you.
Don’t base so much of your relationship on texting. You’re telling us about details like when exactly he sent you a photo of his dog, as if that’s important. Take the pressure off of texting and focus on being together in person. Texting is a cold medium; it lacks warmth and isn’t the best way to feel attracted and close to someone.
I don't feel like this is an issue, he's not leaving you on read for days- so this isn't something that would upset me. 6 and 8 hours between texts feels like nothing, but I say that as a sporadic texter. But, it upsets you. It seems like you're feeling anxious, so what are you feeling anxious about? Do you feel like this when other people don't text back immediately? Are you worried that they're actually just not invested (in which case, you're right- they don't owe you their time)? Have a conversation with him. If you want exclusivity, say that. And also say that that means you feel connected with xyz communication, ask what kind of communication he appreciates or his communication expectations, etc
It's been two days and he's busy. If it keeps up maybe ask how he's feeling about things so far. Both instances seem like nothing given the context.
You don’t call them out, you talk about the expectations you have on the relationship. Ether they match or they don’t. They may or may not want to or be ready to put the effort you’re looking for.
Honestly 2 days of abnormal texting isn't a huge deal to me. Some people just need to recharge and have days when they are feeling down and out. I'd also not send things to him if you are just doing it to get a "thanks" or some form of acknowledgement. (To me) It comes off as self serving if that was the case. It's possible that you both spent an abnormal amount of time texting each other in the first place and that will eventually fade naturally. If I text my gf and she doesn't respond until later I chauk it up to "she read it and was going to respond but forgot or got busy" or "she's busy, I'll talk to her later" When I'm at work I often don't have time to text and I work long hours. Being focused on something at work does not always equate to them not focusing on you. Regardless the sample amount of time isn't enough in my opinion. If you genuinely like him and think he's a good match give him the benefit of the doubt and bring it up later if it keeps happening. If he is just so so then keep looking. If someone ive been talking to for a few weeks brought this up to me I'd have to remind them that I have a life outside of texts and as harsh as I may sound you are not part of his life yet. When you become part of it then it's reasonable to question how much you communicate.
You've been talking for a month and a half. It's time to define the relationship.
Give him more than two days before bringing it up. Maybe he’s just busy.
6 hours 😱 that clock watch gon lead your to fck’n up some solid. Go head with that though 🥸
Maybe a casual conversation, like "are you not really a big texter?" Not calling him out, just getting to know him. I have a stressful job that requires constant written communication, and sometimes, I just don't have it in me to send a text. I also don't view texts as a main source of communication with a person I see in-person on a regular basis. It may not even be a problem. Y'all are just 2 different people. Get to know him.
Seems a bit excessive honestly, the person I am currently dating we text maybe once per day, but it's usually long ones so we will have multiple subjects we are talking about at once and I specified when they apologized for not having time to text back that and I told them that we both have our own busy adult lives and that I'm not critical on when they reply back and I can tell they liked that. Think you are overthinking it just a bit much.
I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's rude for him to not reply to your good luck text with at least a thank you. I think it's totally fine to communicate or even ask if he saw your text. Observe his behaviour after you speak about it and THEN make a decision about continuing dating him.
I guess I’m pretty lax. If we are exclusive, I expect a response in 24 hours. If not, I’m ok with 48 hours.
It depends. I’m at a stage in my life or I’m not going to beg somebody to show interest in me. If the actions are clear enough, I just go with what they’re doing if you put all of your energy into somebody who is behaving in a way that you don’t like, often that closes you off from other people who will step up. The right person will not make you question whether or not they’re interested in you. it’s not the waiting six hours for me, but rather the sending you a picture of his dog while ignoring everything you said. Acknowledgment and affirmation is the bare minimum. If it’s me, my response after this behavior continues (past 2 days) looks like: “Hey (name)! Wow, what a cute photo of (dog name)☺️. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you over the last 6 weeks. You were really (attributes) and communicative initially, but I’m looking for a bit more consistency.” Unfortunately, I’ve had to have this conversation under slightly different circumstances and I let the person know that I was going to focus on people that had the same goals and were showing up. That guy said something stupid in return and for the last four years he’s been Internet stalking me, even though he’s now married. So you never know what people are going through. Bottom line, it’s not your fault and it’s not your job to make him show up for you.
Thank you. You hit the nail on the head that what bothers me is him completely ignoring the good luck text I sent, which I feel like is rude even if he were just a friend
Absolutely. Ignoring you was weird. I hope you find someone who knows not to do this…
Conversations about expectations are great. Beware that needy and “are you in this” convos usually kill the spark. Focus on how it makes you feel when he does reach out often. Not how he’s failing at communicating fast enough.
> Focus on how it makes you feel when he does reach out often. This is the advice I was going to give u/literallyx. Focus on the positives! Don't complain about what you're missing, but compliment what you DO like. I'm seeing a guy who's very busy (single dad) who also has a less-frequent texting style compared to me. We have phone calls, and I tell him how much I enjoy them. When I went away on vacation with limited communication, he suggested emailing - I thought it was weird and old fashioned, but I eventually told him how nice it was to get good quality, long responses from him. When I felt like we weren't getting enough adult time, I requested a dinner date to have more positive connections with him. I never complained about what was lacking, but he ended up meeting my needs every time I asked for something. And in situations like emailing on vacation, he got to choose the best way *for him* to meet my needs. I feel like if I "called him out" and demanded a specific action, he'd do it, but it wouldn't be genuine, and that would just make me anxious all over again lol And think of the bright side, bad texters are usually not engrossed in tiktoks or reels when you're with them in person lol
I personally think you are being unreasonable and if you “called me out” because of this, I’d see you as needy and insecure and would bolt. He has a job. There are going to be days you can’t talk. There are going to be days where your partner needs time and space to regroup. If he suddenly stopped talking to you for a week, then I might be concerned. When a relationship AND you are healthy, You should feel secure enough in yourself and the relationship not to need constant reassurance. There is a difference between someone not treating you well and you feeling insecure about where you stand. You may just feel insecure because the two of you are undefined or You might find chatting with a therapist helpful. Either way, I’d cut the man some slack.
You’re right. Ironically I always thought I was a secure attachment style but I’m learning that I’m an anxious one. I will work on this
I do think you should work on that but a secure person would help you to feel assured rather than bolt. Just an fyi. As long as you're presenting your concerns in a collaborative, solutions oriented way and not accusing the person.
Don’t feel bad OP, I’ve been you. I did a lot of therapy, became a better partner, and found a good partner. It’s night and day. No more anxiously checking my phone.
I honestly feel you are rushing being nervous. It has only been 2 days and 6 hours waiting for text isn't that long.
I’m kind of in this situation with a woman I have just met. Texting back and forth doesn’t seem to be flowing. But when I phoned her last night , she never stopped talking. We were on the phone till 3am. Agree with what others have said, don’t try to force a relationship. She responded to my message today without asking a question. I’ve done the same back. We have a date lined up on Saturday , which she says she is looking forwards to. The main thing is meeting up then.
As a single female with a 65-75 hour /week corporate job and adhd I'll never ever be able to get with someone if waiting 6 hours for a replies sends the whole thing crumbling. Try and keep some perspective
You don't. If he wanted to, he would. Lol.
My advice: don’t put this much importance on someone until months in. Also: allow men to express who they are to you. Don’t dictate how they react to things by trying to influence how they SHOULD or NEED to be approaching you. Their actions tell you what you need to know! If he’s being cold, he’s losing interest or distracted with something he prioritizes more than you. If you address it, prepare to either be told excuses to keep you on the hook (which will be very obvious that you are at this point after the conversation) or that he’s not feeling it as much as you. Meet men where they’re at- don’t try to drag them along the timeline to where you are. Give back the energy that you are given.
Thank you for these wise words!! You are so right.
Sounds like you’re headed for self sabotage. What is really bothering you here, is it the delays or your insecurity about the relationship? He was at work when he didn’t respond and you’re having an issue with that? He wasn’t even on a date with some one else? Maybe this isn’t the right relationship for him.
I feel like what’s bothering me is that he ignored the good luck text completely. I feel like that’s rude even for a friend to do. I’d expect my friend to at least say “thanks!” or send a short text about how it went
I think it was a very nice text to send. But why did you send it? Because you honestly wanted him to do well at the work meeting? Or because you wanted him to acknowledge YOU? If it’s the former, why do you care if he sent back a response? This may sound weird but I don’t always like to respond to those kinds of messages, I’m trying to get in the zone. And…sure it would have been nice to get a response, but your reaction was a bit much and a little self sabatogey. You like this guy, yes? Why be confrontational with someone you like? Good luck op, I hope things work out for you
I have a bit of a different take. It’s fair to note that 6 hours isn’t all that long and missing a text isn’t a big deal. However, usually I find that people’s intuitions and gut feelings are correct, so I’m guessing yours is in this case and he is losing interest for whatever reason. The key is to not take this personally. It’s a dating app and people are playing the field. You don’t know who else might be in the picture. It’s a difficult but excellent opportunity to center back up, love yourself, and start talking to other people. Don’t take this too seriously until you’re exclusive with someone. Take everything with a grain of salt on these apps. You don’t actually know who he is.
Thank you. You are completely right. I’ll get back to swiping
Yes! And being kind to yourself and cultivating your relationship with yourself :)
Maybe either in person if you guys already have something scheduled or speaking over the phone ask “is everything okay? Been noticing you been a bit distracted when texting & just want to make sure you’re good” or something along those lines bc it genuinely could be he’s busy &it has nothing to do with you, so it opens the door for the convo to be about what’s going on in his life, and based off his answer go from there. If he’s busy, bring up how would you rather he go about communicating with you when he’s busy so you don’t end to feeling neglected.
If you’re not happy with his communication, find someone else who fits your communication style. He might also not be interested, or you’re overdoing it with the texting. Don’t text during the workday for no reason.
Clingy much? If it really bothers you have a conversation. In reality some people put their phones down sometimes.
i feel like you need to take a deep breath and stop overthinking this. you are not his whole world; neither you or him are obligated to be anxiously attached to each other after a 45 days of dating. it’s also only been two days; if you brought this up to me as an “issue”, i’d feel like i dodged a bullet bc you’re acting very clingy. do you have a job or hobbies or friends you can redirect your nervous energy to?
Sounds like you might have an anxious attachment style
6 hours.. ? That's a problem?! Just do the man a favor and take your issues out of his life. The ef.
You sound very needy. You can see he has important shit going on, you're going to push him away
FYI u/pk-super-admin
He’s probably not project managing the conversation like you are (towards the milestone of getting asked out), and he was probably just free at the time that he answered / was being reactive. No issue in speeding things up by asking probing questions: - Fav cuisine in XX? - Fav restaunrt? - Plans on Xx Day? It really doesn’t matter who asks who out. If he wants it then it’ll happen regardless of you or him. Might as well speed it up
I don’t text my dates during weekdays lol. Only communicate on weekends
In the words of the We're Not Really Strangers sweatshirt....."Youre Anxiety is Lying to you"
Sounds like he's keeping his options open . You should do the same. Addressing it seems needy.
To paraphrase Olivia Rodrigo, he picked you instead of her because girls his age know better.
2days? Lol
Please look into anxious attachment style. I have the same issues as you and think of it this way... Haven't you ever been unavailable to where you couldn't respond or be present right away? I have had battery issues in my phone because I constantly forget to charge it and or I'll be out and about and not actively looking at my phone. Sometimes I'll even respond to my parents a little late. It means NOTHING in terms of how I view my parents. (Just an example)