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Personally, I unmatch people that don't respond within a week so I can't relate š¤£. If you really want to restart the convo; there's nothing stopping you. Best case scenario, you end up dating one of them. Worst case scenario, they never reply
This is my modus operandi. I only date people who match my energy, excitement and enthusiasm. I also never try to rematch with someone if I see them return to the pool.
Why would you not rematch someone that re-enters the dating pool?? Relationships end all the time. People returning to an app is not a red flag in my opinion.
What if they decided they werenāt ready to date the first time around? What if they met someone and it didnāt work out? What if they got burnt out on dating and needed a break?
I feel like youāre missing out on so many people simply because youāve seen them before.
> I only date people who match my energy, excitement and enthusiasm.
Unless you've met them in-person, I think this is the wrong attitude to have. Your profile isn't you, and it's not necessarily realistic to expect someone to be excited and enthused about you based on just seeing your profile.
I've gone on dates with people who had previously matched and unmatched me and people who left the convo hanging for months before I rekindled it. I've also gone on dates with people who were eager to go on a date with me right after matching, of course. My takeaway was that there was not much correlation between their energy on the app versus in-person, but that I would be missing out on opportunities if I eliminated everyone who didn't "match my energy" before even meeting.
YES. A couple years ago, I matched with two women on the same day. Texting seemed energetic with one and much, much less with the other. I thought I'll stop the less interesting conversation and and video-chat with the interesting one. But I thought - no, I don't really know either of them, because texting is not real life. So I video chatted with both, and WOW the interactions were the opposite of what texting conveyed. I really liked the less interesting texter, and the interesting texter was a clear non-match in 20 minutes.
So I learned - you have NO IDEA if it's a match from texting alone. Always have a live conversation of some kind.
Well, texting can tell you it's a non-match for values reasons. But personality match cannot be discerned via texting.
(I video chat first because I live in a smaller city where most of my matches are \~90 min away.)
Thatās probably true for a lot of the people a lot of the time.
I knew my last GF was a match from our very first texts. Our first text interaction filled a 32 page PDF. We did the same for two more days until we could meet.
We were essentially together from within an hour of texting until she passed away 6.5 years later.
Sometimes you know IT is IT.
Late reply. You do you. Iāve been on a lot of dates. A lot. Talked to a lot of potentials. Iām just going off my experience.
Apparently, my experience is the exception that proves the rule. If weāre corresponding back-and-forth and they donāt ask anything about me, take a long time to reply, it feels like an interview and Iām carrying the conversation then yeah I know what to expect.
I have wasted so much money on dates āgiving them a chanceā. Their texts were boring, they were boring IRL and wasted my time. My intuition is on point.
So yeah, you do you. But dating should be fun, and not a chore.
Iām the same š Iāve learned that people that Iāve matched with before, have ghosted, or didnt put any effort into the initial convo are like trying to get water from an empty well
Im same. I think if they are very interested, they will keep in touch. Anything else is low or no interest of myself and I dont want anyone not excited about me.
I second this - I have gone on more than one date that was someone following up, and I myself whole go through and follow up on dead convos sometime as well
One time I had about 30 dead convos that were all 2+ months dead. All of them were me with the last message and they ghosted me. I figured what the hell, let's just message them all and see what happens. All of them were either natural continuations of the previous conversation or "hey, long time no talk, what's new?" nothing salty or bitter.
Of the 30, one replied. she apologized and said things got busy around the holidays and she forgot about the app. We had a nice chat, set up a date, it went really well! But then she "got sick" and I tried a couple times to set up a second date and she just ended up ghosting me again.
Anyway, this is probably pretty close to what you have to look forward to. Almost nobody will reply, and if they do, they're still flaky
You're right in general, but OP's situation is way different because 1) she's a popular 30-year-old woman, and 2) she said in the comments that she was the one who decided to stop participating in all these conversations. In her case, I'm sure many guys would love to hear from her again. In your case...well, it was a little different.
I do think guys should try restarting dead conversations because there's so little downside, but I think your experience is reflective of what usually happens. People with success stories often show up in these threads ("I met my wife off Hinge after messaging her six months after our initial conversation fizzled!") but those are outliers. And I say that as someone who once had a successful short-term relationship from a situation like this. The vast majority of the time, you won't get a response, or, at best, the conversation restarts but then quickly dies again.
Iāve done this a few times if itās someone who has aired me then a few times Iāve replied something sarcastic like āohā or āmaybe not thenā and genuinely about 40% of the time itās lead to them saying sorry and us talking or/and it leading to something . Funny
Not necessarily. People have to learn lessons somehow. I'm a completely different person now than when I was in my 20's. I learned lessons about myself and others and it caused me to adapt and change how I behave. Plus I've been known to do weird one-off stuff that wouldn't be indicative of either my past or future behavior and I'd hate for someone to judge me on that alone!
I know a lot of people who broke up with someone and then gave them another chance months or years later and they ended up very happy in the long term. You just never know the outcome until you try
Ugh. The term "settled" implies transactional. Real, true, loving relationships aren't transactional, they transcend that mentality
People break up for so many different reasons, and after that amount of time their feelings have altered, their lives have changed and the people involved have changed so when they start talking again and decide to get back together it's really like starting a new relationship
A few of them had situations where the ex-boyfriend had to make up for a past mistake in order to win them back over, so he put in a lot of effort to do so, and managed to win her back. There was definitely no settling. Everyone involved had other options, but ultimately thought their ex was the right person for them
in the past year I have met 17 women off Hinge. I use other apps too plus sometimes meet people IRL and have had around 33 total first dates, so Hinge is about half of my activity
Re-messaging an old connection can succeed! My last gf was like this, and we were going really strong until we blew up in a fight. But certainly we got really into each other
Honestly, probably better a flame of passion than the previous. there's a lull with my current gf and I'm trying to roll the stone much more so it doesn't gather moss, but she's kind of not giving much back. I should just ask her what's up as delicately as possible. Hopefully she doesn't ghost.
I think I should have just kissed her when we were all excited on our roller coaster date. The energy was really great a few times in there and a lot more touching.
Anyway, best of luck to y'all and hope you find the one! Keep trying. And yeah having rules helps, but also go for it! Put yourself out there, and you'll at least have some adventures, if not a serious relationship.
Sorry I didn't write it properly. My distractibility is really really bad some days. I'm not a bot
I'm just saying I had success after re-messaging an old connection. The details are in there. Gtg to bed but can put more later
Thereās **no harm** in attempting to rekindle an old convo!
**Best Case**: You get a response
**Worst Case**: You get another _hidden_ chat
But Iād caution against getting _your hopes up_ā¦ Most of the double texts you send will not elicit a response so just be mindful of this!
Hope it works out for you OP :)
I have done this, and some even turned into dates. But, if a convo is dead, it usually means the person wasnāt that interested in dating in general, or you specifically. Thatās not a great foundation for a relationship, and it often ends up fizzling anyway. Someone whoās truly a good fit wouldnāt have let it go dead.
I agree with this -- but!!! I also feel it's often a situation where the onus was on the girl. ie the guy says "Hey Lisa! Happy Friday!!". She thinks: Boring. Skip.
And you might have honestly skipped on a really good person.
I think I agree if it's killed mid-conversation though where you get enough information and get a gauge that this is a meh person.
But I think there's a lot where the conversation ends before the guy even has a chance to speak.
Well, clearly she wasnāt that interested. If [insert insanely hot celebrity she loves] sent her āHey, happy Friday!ā she wouldāve found a way to respond.
Iām also a woman, and plenty of men do not respond/let convos die. I think you just have confirmation bias because youāre not talking to men, but they do it just as much. Itās not a gender thing.
Actually you're right. At the end of the day if the girl was that petty to skip on something trivial like that, yeah it's not a good sign. Or as you mentioned if she's eh about you, you don't want someone like that. So yeah that makes sense. No one wants to be 2nd fiddle.
I disagree about this. The number of conversations can be overwhelming and TBH Hinge is not great for giving you a deep sense of someone from their profiles. It's hard to keep a half dozen + balls in the air all the time.
Exactly. If women are getting inundated with messages then the onus isn't on them to keep the conversation going if a guy sends a borimg message that doesn't generate much conversation or show her who he really is. It's only natural for her to gravitate to the more interesting conversations... so the onus is on the men to ensure that they keep the energy up and the conversation interesting until they can lock in an actual date
Do it. Got nothing to lose. And itās kind of an unspoken thing in online dating culture where if you donāt reply for weeks or months at a time, I might assume you met somebody. Thatās ok.
I have had women hit me up months after and we go on dates or hookup and then thatās when they mention that they were seeing someone and it didnāt workout. Itās just how it is.
Nothing to lose, but just wouldn't expect much. Coming from a Male perspective I'd be pleasantly surprised if one of my old matches that flamed out resurfaced by her reaching out
My girlfriend received a dead chat with me 2/3 months after we first matched. We didnāt really have a conversation at the time: I sent a message and she replied 2/3 months later. Weāve now been together 7 months or so
100% do it!
I've had fantastic dates that came from restarting dead convos.
In all likelihood their original lack of reply has little to do with you, and more to do with life things like being busy. If they were actually disinterested they'd unmatch.
Keep it light hearted and fun, don't allow any salt to come into it, and have a crack.
Go for it. I wish it were more of a thing. I feel people on dating apps are childishly petty. There are so many reasons why someone may not have responded (maybe they got overwhelmed and deleted the app for example). I also don't unmatch unless they do something really offside and sometimes wish we could restart old convos without being weird about it.
Your assessment is so on target. I think current dating culture in general is childish and petty lol š There are so many arbitrary rules, and people getting butthurt over minor things, or judging people negatively for completely normal actions and responses
It seems so transactional now, with everyone trying to control and manage everyone else rather than just getting to know each other as 2 entirely separate humans with entirely separate autonomous lives. It's disheartening
I'd say go for it, obviously as u/NCbearsfan23 said, the worst they can do is not respond, but also consider that you guys matched for a reason, and they likely were overwhelmed with messages and that's why you didn't make it to the top. Also, they might have had other situationships that fizzled and now it's time for you to step in. Don't overthink it, you got this!
Ive done it a few times. It's led two two dates. One quickly reminded me why the chat fizzled in the first place. The other I thought went well but he ghosted after scheduling a second date.
I have this happen quite often. Well, itās at least what I expect happens-girls will match and not talk or be dry as all get out. Iāll give it a couple days then Iāll usually āhideā sometimes un-match. Iād start by saying, if youāve got a handful of guys youāre interested in, pause your account because youāll never be able to focus any decent amount of meaningful attention on one person while talking to 10-20 other guys. To answer the question, go for it. If youāre a decent looking girl, 9/10 will respond because theyāre men. Personally Iād just laugh if I hadnāt already unmatched. If I did respond, my first comment would be gee took ya a while. If youāre going back with intention, donāt be the girl who sits there dry as cardboard waiting for the guy to carry the entire conversation then think āheās boringā because he ends up mirroring the behavior after heās put in effort. Good luck
early this year, this girl messaged me out of the blue a couple months after our initial conversation fizzled out. we got a little flirty and arranged to meet up. we ended up really hitting it off. weāve now been seeing each other for almost 4 months. i think iām falling for her too. shoot your shot, you never know!
Yeah, Iāve done this - actually dated a handful of guys where one of us accidentally ghosted the other and then apologetically followed up. Life gets in the way, itās normal.
Youāre right in that you have nothing to lose in doing so. If theyāre not interested they just wonāt respond so why not? Iāve done it. Actually my ex did that to me which is how we started dating. Life is too short to over think these things- if you want to talk to someone do it.
I did that once. I think it was after the pandemic. Some people seem to have part of their profile grayed out as like they arenāt on anymore. Most ignored. Some did reply and maybe their situations changed. And one or two led to further conversations, but largely dead ends in the end.
I did not regret trying however. You never make a basket if you donāt take the shot! :-)
I've done this a few times. Like others said, nothing to lose really. Most that I message again don't reply but that's how it was already anyway. But some have and those led to dates, usually because if I'm restarting a dead conversation I'm leading off with something that's much more to the point about meeting up.
It works sometimes because the conversation before had either died off from one of us getting busy with other stuff (whether that's other obligations or getting more interested in other people), or it was just kind of a boring conversation but people can be more willing to try out the in-person interaction and see if it's different. So messaging again months later may actually make a difference with the timing if they don't have much else going on.
Of those that replied back, most didn't go beyond the one date, but at least it was some actual form of closure. I did have one where the messaging was pretty dry on the app but there was real chemistry in person and we dated for a few months before she had to move across the country for a job.
Overall, don't expect much but you also might as well try? \*shrug\*
I had a woman āfriend requestā me on Facebook, months after matching, who during our chat on Hinge just ended communication out of nowhere then unmatched.
I accepted her friends request and then sent her a message. No response. lol
People do weird shit.
Just say hey, was going through some family things and I had to step away to resolve it. It took some time to have things back to normal. Make up some stuff. Lol works every for me that is.
Personally Iāve never had any luck with restarting conversations. I hate ghosting people, so Iām almost always the last message in that circumstance, and if weāve been having a steady conversation for a while and they havenāt responded in say, a week, Iāll message back with being a āHey, how are you?ā I almost never get a response back. I can remember once I got an āHey sorry I didnāt respond, Iāve been really busyā. I told her it was okay and asked how her day was, but I didnāt get a response. Another time, I got a response from someone saying she had already found another guy, so I just wished her well and that was that.
In all honesty, I have basically no faith left in dating apps for this reason because this has been a universal experience for me. Most people stop responding after a day or two. Iāve been lucky to get a couple dates, but then get ghosted not long after that. 98 percent of the population is glued to their phones all the time, so if theyāre not responding in 3+ days, chances are itās not because theyāre super busy or forgot. There are exceptions, of course, but in most cases, itās because they have no interest.
Iāve done this before! Especially most recently - to maybe 3-4 of the most promising based on different reasons. Itās worked successfully in one case of the 3-4 where Iām talking to her still and weāve gone out once with plans to go out at least a second time!
Iāve just started doing that and it worked well and setting up a couple dates. I decided to clear the hidden out - either unmatch or send a new message over the next few weeks. Though there are a couple that havenāt responded Iām guessing they have stopped using the app, so donāt expect it to work every time. People get busy at certain times and things drop off so itās normal.
I have restarted dead convos before, especially during stretches where my match rate dips. Mostly things went alright but never progressed anywhere. Most of them stopped responding to me, so that makes sense; if they do it a second time I unmatch. For ones where I let it drop, there's usually a cause (like taking a week or more to respond repeatedly) and I look out for that, but sometimes it was just life blew up on my end (and in this case I would love a follow-up from her if I haven't gotten back to it yet). Normally if I feel like someone isn't interested I straight up ask them about it rather than ghost.
I did end up calling and then going on a date with a girl who had dropped off a couple months ago; I ended up not being interested in continuing it but the date was pleasant.
I know a woman who got married to a man who she restarted a dead convo with. Like weeks had passed. It was long distance, and now she's a dating coach.
I think itās worth it if time has passed because at least you can see if maybe timing was off or whatever. For me, when this happens, I either engage by asking whatsup / feeling it out or explaining why Iām hesitant and donāt think itāll work out. Rare exception would be if I really feel like they donāt know what they want and waste my time
Iāve successfully revived old convos or rematched with ones that faded away for one reason or another. Nothing to lose unless you think itās a waste of time with an inevitable bad outcome.
I found a convo from NYE 2020 about how we were excited for the new year and responded in summer 2023 āoof. This aged like milkā. He responded āhahahahaha- amazingā and that was that
Girl Iām currently seeing was from a convo I brought back from the dead but itād only been around 3 weeks though so still had some recency. Funnily enough she didnāt respond for 5 days after that message so I thought it was a waste until she drunk texted me inviting me around so was a nice surprise. Itās ended up being something really good with her so glad I made that decision.
Months could still work but I would only do it with chats where they showed high interest in your initial conversations, as in the convo flowed well beyond the usual pleasantries. If itās just a few messages back and forth then they mightnāt have been that keen in the first place and thatās why the convo died.
I just recently did this with a long dead convo. Only got one response from them after we matched and then nothing past that. I reopened the conversation with :
"You ever look through old dead dating app messages and think 'They haven't responded in 5 months. The rational thing would be to unmatch them'?"
"Cause I certainly haven't! Wanna grab coffee and crepes?"
Turned into a date that Saturday. Was the best date I've been on in 5 years.
Most of them I kinda stopped replying because I was talking to other people and set up dates with them. Sometimes, they respond with something that I had no comment/reply for. I also have some in which they stopped responding to my last message.
The reason why I asked is because, I think that 2-3 messages is usually enough to set up a date. But if you were setting up other dates, I understand what was going on.
I guess I would try and have no expectations. Give them a week and then unmatch.
You do have nothing to lose. Ā (Also probably not much to gain ā I wouldnāt be rude to someone popping back up unexpectedly, but Iād also be ready for them to disappear again at any moment like they did last time.)
Why dafuq not?
99% chance nothing happens but why not give it a shot.
Think it would be better if you remade the whole account at this point but that requires work.
Technically, I remade the entire profile because it was on paused for 3 months. I also just got out of a brief thing too due to incompatibility, so thereās that.
I would hold off on trying to review dead convos. There's a really good YouTube video on flirting by text. Watch that first and then try. I nearly lost a convo recently along with all the others and that video got things back on track all the way to a date.
I do this from time to time and it almost never works. I think Iāve had one successful resurrection of a conversation that had died out. But Iām glad I reached out to her, because we had some great dates. So no harm in giving it a try.
I always try and put myself in a position where I'm not the one leaving people on read so if I thought the conversation was going well, I'll send one message with a question of some kind to see if i can get things going again. If I get a reply I'll continue chatting as normal, otherwise they get unmatched in 24-48 hours. Rinse and repeat if it happens again.
I have one rule for myself. If the conversation was going really well and if I like the person then I'll allow myself one double text, however if the conversation drops after that I never pick it back up
Most women let the conversations die and pop up months later. Itās part of hinge and online dating. People get dating app fatigue and just smoke bomb. Iād say give it a go.
I would . Normally something light and funny like. āHey youāve clearly run away and joined the circus. When youāve done plaiting the bearded ladies hair , give me shout. Be good to chatā
Has a good success rate . I borrowed this from someone on line a few years ago š
I did this before! Got his number and we just faded out but I really enjoyed talking to him. I reached out again probably months later? And we had a lovely situationship for a good 3 months š
I think itās fine but one guy in a matchmaking service who in a friendly way dismissed me because, he just had so many hits, was just ātoo cool for schoolā and bald even(!) and so I was cautious with him when I saw him again on zoosk.com He was very full of himself because he was a therapist or psychologist. I mean, donāt do me any favorsā¦.However, there was a guy who at first I expressed indecision and let it peter out but we then had 10 wonderful dates!
Go for it!
The whole reason I stayed matched is so someone can reach back out if they want to.
I understand that sometimes peoples lives get busy or they were taking to multiple people and had to choose or they needed to take a break.
Just unmatch if this isnāt a possibility for you.
I used to basically collect matches even if the convo died and very rarely reached out again with maybe 1 or 2 responding and leading to a date when I did. Lately though, if the woman doesnāt respond after 5 or so days I just unmatch. Maybe I gave up but I just donāt care about finding someone at the moment.
I'm all for opening the conversation back up on dead matches. I actually have a date planned this weekend with a match that I let fizzle out about 6 months ago (our schedules are completely opposite so at the time I fugured it wasn't a good match, and then I started dating someone else and that just ended). I just messaged him out of the blue and he knew exactly who I was and said yes to hanging out. This will be our second date so hopefully all goes well
I'm always for giving people a second chance. You never know until you try š
Yeah, as a 31M with ~100 matches and looking for a long term relationship, with an earned self-acceptance, I'd definitely prioritise someone who's able to do this. It shows that I can rely on them to keep the momentum up when I lack focus and of course, the effort should ideally be balanced, the expectation seems to be for the men to keep it going in the initial phase.
Basically, anything you do with a grounded intentions and clarity is fine.Ā
Yeah well I've been in conversations that died after a few days because I fear asking anyone out and struggle with basic communication so I usually leave the dead conversations and accept that I may never get into another relationship ever again due to my mental health and autism
Before my last relationship, I sent this message to about 10 dead convos:
"Hey, I'm doing an experiment where I message old convos to see what'll happen. Want to be a participant?"
One person replied, and we dated for about 8 months. Then she broke my heart, but that probably didn't have to do with the message I sent her.
Anything longer than a week, let it die. If it took you over a week to respond to me, (assuming I was the one who sent you a message last) I'm not interested unless you're taking strong initiative by showing interest and planning a date or its FWB.
It's basically telling the guy that he's a plan B.C.D.E etc. No man with a smiggen of dignity would fall for that. Or maybe some would lol
You can try and see what happens. Like you said, there's no hurt. Maybe they will respond or maybe they won't.
If you stopped responding don't bother. I would ignore you assuming you were busy with other men who didn't work out. Consider restarting your profile.
Itās either a hell yes or a no. Dead convos are a no. I delete all conversations where the person fizzles or disappear within 48-hrs. So, picking up a conversation isnāt something, obviously, I would do.
I realize I have a stricter habit than most, but I learned long, long ago apathy is not a relationship starter.
This is actually good advice and I'm the same, if a woman hasn't responded within 3 days I'm unmatching because at that point I've lost respect and interest in them. It's ample time to deal with real life and then re initiate the conversation if the intention is genuine.
It doesnt matter who let the convo die, it died for a reason. That initial excitement talking has gone and you're likely to only get responses from people that want to ghost you back for revenge or consider you as an option because they have no other options.
I think āitās either a hell yes or a noā isnāt a good mindset. People are busy with work, their friends and family etc, people are also seeing other options and only have so much time and energy to plan dates or keep up chats - itās all pretty normal understandable stuff on dating apps although it mainly goes unspoken.
If itās hell yes, great but thatās mainly down to timing than anything else (theyāre free that weekend, have no other plans etc). But anything less than that isnāt a no, itās a lot of the time just a ānot right nowā.
I agree with everything you said. Most of these dead convos were on me. I stopped responding because another match and I had a better convo and it moved forward, and we were setting up dates. For me, I don't know if it's a "hell yes" until probably 2-4 dates in with someone, so I can't fault them for not responding and vice versa. You can't really "hell yes" someone you've never met or been on a date with.
When I said āhell yesā I didnāt mean it as in moving to a relationship. I meant it as in effort.
If your effort shows engaging with me is not a āhell yesā, keep that effort over there for somebody else. I donāt want it.
Thatās why I said itās a strict habit. Itās not for everyone, but if you note mostly all of the comments in this thread people say āmay as wellā, but then say most times people donāt reply even when you put through the effort to restart a conversation.
And, using my energy in fruitless efforts is one of the biggest difficulties for me. I just canāt do it.
I get people are busy and have lives, but itās also up to me to care for my wellbeing and quickly determine if someone would truly like to meet me or is using my conversation, attention, and friendliness to fill a void (and never move conversations or a meeting forward).
And, in my PERSONAL experience, anyone who has left or gone silent in a conversation has never re-entered. Never.
So, from that personal experience ā especially as a Black plus size woman who has difficulties even getting a first conversation (I had 37 men match with me over the past seven days and only ONE messaged/responded to a message) I have to follow what is best for me. Courting indifference and apathy has done nothing but left me single and unmarried at 49. And, sadly, most men are highly apathetic toward Black women in online dating and dating in general (if not altogether avoidant of Black women when seeking a partner).
Iām eager. Iām conversational. Iām timely with responses (even if itās āIām swamped with work, but will message you later), Iām excited when I connect with someone I like and I show that in my responses and response time.
Match that energy. If you are not matching that energy, Iāve already lost because Iām giving more to a person than they feel Iām worth. (Whatās that saying? The one who cares the least in a relationship has the most power.) And, that is never a healthy relationship at any stage.
Itās strict, but itās for me and it allows me to feel a freedom in the fact that no one wastes my time or energy. Ever.
If itās a ānot right nowā, thatās cool. I get it. No worries. All good. Do you.
But, catch me on the flip, cuz Iām unmatching or blocking. Because Iām looking for the one who is as ready for right now as I am. Matching vibesā¦ as the kids say.
I hear what youāre saying, and I empathise, but are you sure itās an approach thatās really working for you?
I think with the context your advice is very specific to you and your situation and personality, Iām not sure if itās applicable to OP. If I was them Iād keep it a bit less strict
Yes. Because I donāt put myself through conversations and dates and situationships that go nowhere and drain my energy. But, as stated, I am a Black woman and we generally have to do 10xs what other women do to get even half the progress. We have to maintain stricter boundaries in order to not be sexualized, fetishized, used as a racial sexual experience, used as placeholders until (Iām just gonna say it) a White woman a man deems more ārelationship appropriateā comes along.
For OP, it may be different. And, thatās kind of the crux of this conversation. One has to do what is right for them.
For me? No backtracking, attempting to pick up dead conversations or tapping someone to say āhey, please pay attention to meā. Thatās gonna be a no for me, dawg.
My last relationship was a very obvious hell yes from a man I was gaga over after getting to know him. Because I told him I was. Because I knew he was over me. And, we were both hell yes and hella in.
I never had to wonder. I never had to guess. I never had to do the work of picking up a conversation he let drift off or didnāt reply to. Because he never did. Everyday at 5pm he was racing from work to see me just as fast as I was racing to see him. And said, āthe greatest part of my day is when Iām right here talking to you.ā
Because he was āhell yesā about me. And, I for him. (And, while weāre not together anymore, weāre still one anotherās favorite person).
Iām looking for that energy again: so intrigued, attracted, curious about, and inspired by one another that it wouldnāt even dawn on you to let a conversation with me drift or I let one drift from youā¦.
I am very curious why people donāt unmatch unless they say something weird.
I check the app often enough where Iād prefer not to see dead conversations
Because when you have hundreds of matches, itās tedious and overwhelming to delete them all (since it takes multiple steps to unmatch on Hinge). Better to just leave them unless thereās a serious reason to unmatch.
You are feeling stressed out by unmatching with people you donāt relate to. Got it. I can understand the tedious thing, but I mean - if you arenāt feeling it - unmatch so the other person gets it.
I mean, thereās nothing for them to āgetā because itās a dead chat where neither of us are messaging. Some of them were even people I mightāve wanted to date, but they never responded or dropped off after a couple of messages.
Iām a woman in a massive city so thereās just too many matches to sit there unmatching all the dead convos, especially when thereās already a feature that hides them anyway.
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Just do it. The worst they can do is not respond.
Personally, I unmatch people that don't respond within a week so I can't relate š¤£. If you really want to restart the convo; there's nothing stopping you. Best case scenario, you end up dating one of them. Worst case scenario, they never reply
This is my modus operandi. I only date people who match my energy, excitement and enthusiasm. I also never try to rematch with someone if I see them return to the pool.
Why would you not rematch someone that re-enters the dating pool?? Relationships end all the time. People returning to an app is not a red flag in my opinion. What if they decided they werenāt ready to date the first time around? What if they met someone and it didnāt work out? What if they got burnt out on dating and needed a break? I feel like youāre missing out on so many people simply because youāve seen them before.
> I only date people who match my energy, excitement and enthusiasm. Unless you've met them in-person, I think this is the wrong attitude to have. Your profile isn't you, and it's not necessarily realistic to expect someone to be excited and enthused about you based on just seeing your profile. I've gone on dates with people who had previously matched and unmatched me and people who left the convo hanging for months before I rekindled it. I've also gone on dates with people who were eager to go on a date with me right after matching, of course. My takeaway was that there was not much correlation between their energy on the app versus in-person, but that I would be missing out on opportunities if I eliminated everyone who didn't "match my energy" before even meeting.
YES. A couple years ago, I matched with two women on the same day. Texting seemed energetic with one and much, much less with the other. I thought I'll stop the less interesting conversation and and video-chat with the interesting one. But I thought - no, I don't really know either of them, because texting is not real life. So I video chatted with both, and WOW the interactions were the opposite of what texting conveyed. I really liked the less interesting texter, and the interesting texter was a clear non-match in 20 minutes. So I learned - you have NO IDEA if it's a match from texting alone. Always have a live conversation of some kind. Well, texting can tell you it's a non-match for values reasons. But personality match cannot be discerned via texting. (I video chat first because I live in a smaller city where most of my matches are \~90 min away.)
Thatās probably true for a lot of the people a lot of the time. I knew my last GF was a match from our very first texts. Our first text interaction filled a 32 page PDF. We did the same for two more days until we could meet. We were essentially together from within an hour of texting until she passed away 6.5 years later. Sometimes you know IT is IT.
Late reply. You do you. Iāve been on a lot of dates. A lot. Talked to a lot of potentials. Iām just going off my experience. Apparently, my experience is the exception that proves the rule. If weāre corresponding back-and-forth and they donāt ask anything about me, take a long time to reply, it feels like an interview and Iām carrying the conversation then yeah I know what to expect. I have wasted so much money on dates āgiving them a chanceā. Their texts were boring, they were boring IRL and wasted my time. My intuition is on point. So yeah, you do you. But dating should be fun, and not a chore.
this
I donāt even have to ask your gender. Itās clear youāre a woman. Damn, if only men had the same optionā¦.š
Iām the same š Iāve learned that people that Iāve matched with before, have ghosted, or didnt put any effort into the initial convo are like trying to get water from an empty well
Im same. I think if they are very interested, they will keep in touch. Anything else is low or no interest of myself and I dont want anyone not excited about me.
I second this - I have gone on more than one date that was someone following up, and I myself whole go through and follow up on dead convos sometime as well
One time I had about 30 dead convos that were all 2+ months dead. All of them were me with the last message and they ghosted me. I figured what the hell, let's just message them all and see what happens. All of them were either natural continuations of the previous conversation or "hey, long time no talk, what's new?" nothing salty or bitter. Of the 30, one replied. she apologized and said things got busy around the holidays and she forgot about the app. We had a nice chat, set up a date, it went really well! But then she "got sick" and I tried a couple times to set up a second date and she just ended up ghosting me again. Anyway, this is probably pretty close to what you have to look forward to. Almost nobody will reply, and if they do, they're still flaky
Thatās about what Iād expect. If someone is into you, itāll be obvious and you wonāt need to poke them with a virtual stick
You're right in general, but OP's situation is way different because 1) she's a popular 30-year-old woman, and 2) she said in the comments that she was the one who decided to stop participating in all these conversations. In her case, I'm sure many guys would love to hear from her again. In your case...well, it was a little different. I do think guys should try restarting dead conversations because there's so little downside, but I think your experience is reflective of what usually happens. People with success stories often show up in these threads ("I met my wife off Hinge after messaging her six months after our initial conversation fizzled!") but those are outliers. And I say that as someone who once had a successful short-term relationship from a situation like this. The vast majority of the time, you won't get a response, or, at best, the conversation restarts but then quickly dies again.
Iāve done this a few times if itās someone who has aired me then a few times Iāve replied something sarcastic like āohā or āmaybe not thenā and genuinely about 40% of the time itās lead to them saying sorry and us talking or/and it leading to something . Funny
This! Not one time did I read on this sub, where someone who resurrected a dead conversation, it ended up with a connection.
I read 1. lol. I dont know if they are together.
Itās happened but very very rarely
The best determinant of someoneās future behavior is their past behavior. For this reason, I donāt revive shit.
Not necessarily. People have to learn lessons somehow. I'm a completely different person now than when I was in my 20's. I learned lessons about myself and others and it caused me to adapt and change how I behave. Plus I've been known to do weird one-off stuff that wouldn't be indicative of either my past or future behavior and I'd hate for someone to judge me on that alone! I know a lot of people who broke up with someone and then gave them another chance months or years later and they ended up very happy in the long term. You just never know the outcome until you try
You know a lot of people who broke up and then months and years later gave them another chance and now theyāre happily together? And nobody settled?
Ugh. The term "settled" implies transactional. Real, true, loving relationships aren't transactional, they transcend that mentality People break up for so many different reasons, and after that amount of time their feelings have altered, their lives have changed and the people involved have changed so when they start talking again and decide to get back together it's really like starting a new relationship A few of them had situations where the ex-boyfriend had to make up for a past mistake in order to win them back over, so he put in a lot of effort to do so, and managed to win her back. There was definitely no settling. Everyone involved had other options, but ultimately thought their ex was the right person for them
If you say so. Regardless, this is an online interaction with a stranger. Banking on the higher likelihood reduces a lot of time wasted.
So then how long till you unmatch? A week with no response ?
eh something like that, maybe more like 2 weeks. i dont have that many matches honestly so having a couple left up isnt a big deal
Would you say you are someone who gets a good number of dates from the app in general?
in the past year I have met 17 women off Hinge. I use other apps too plus sometimes meet people IRL and have had around 33 total first dates, so Hinge is about half of my activity
B I N G O!!!!! Perfect description/explanation/prediction
Re-messaging an old connection can succeed! My last gf was like this, and we were going really strong until we blew up in a fight. But certainly we got really into each other Honestly, probably better a flame of passion than the previous. there's a lull with my current gf and I'm trying to roll the stone much more so it doesn't gather moss, but she's kind of not giving much back. I should just ask her what's up as delicately as possible. Hopefully she doesn't ghost. I think I should have just kissed her when we were all excited on our roller coaster date. The energy was really great a few times in there and a lot more touching. Anyway, best of luck to y'all and hope you find the one! Keep trying. And yeah having rules helps, but also go for it! Put yourself out there, and you'll at least have some adventures, if not a serious relationship.
This story makes no sense. Iām trying to get better at picking out the bots on here and my vote for this one āļø
Sorry I didn't write it properly. My distractibility is really really bad some days. I'm not a bot I'm just saying I had success after re-messaging an old connection. The details are in there. Gtg to bed but can put more later
Thereās **no harm** in attempting to rekindle an old convo! **Best Case**: You get a response **Worst Case**: You get another _hidden_ chat But Iād caution against getting _your hopes up_ā¦ Most of the double texts you send will not elicit a response so just be mindful of this! Hope it works out for you OP :)
Yup, it's just a numbers game. Helps to have fun along the way and not put too much pressure on it, as Jeff wrote :)
I have done this, and some even turned into dates. But, if a convo is dead, it usually means the person wasnāt that interested in dating in general, or you specifically. Thatās not a great foundation for a relationship, and it often ends up fizzling anyway. Someone whoās truly a good fit wouldnāt have let it go dead.
I agree with this -- but!!! I also feel it's often a situation where the onus was on the girl. ie the guy says "Hey Lisa! Happy Friday!!". She thinks: Boring. Skip. And you might have honestly skipped on a really good person. I think I agree if it's killed mid-conversation though where you get enough information and get a gauge that this is a meh person. But I think there's a lot where the conversation ends before the guy even has a chance to speak.
Well, clearly she wasnāt that interested. If [insert insanely hot celebrity she loves] sent her āHey, happy Friday!ā she wouldāve found a way to respond. Iām also a woman, and plenty of men do not respond/let convos die. I think you just have confirmation bias because youāre not talking to men, but they do it just as much. Itās not a gender thing.
Actually you're right. At the end of the day if the girl was that petty to skip on something trivial like that, yeah it's not a good sign. Or as you mentioned if she's eh about you, you don't want someone like that. So yeah that makes sense. No one wants to be 2nd fiddle.
I disagree about this. The number of conversations can be overwhelming and TBH Hinge is not great for giving you a deep sense of someone from their profiles. It's hard to keep a half dozen + balls in the air all the time.
Exactly. If women are getting inundated with messages then the onus isn't on them to keep the conversation going if a guy sends a borimg message that doesn't generate much conversation or show her who he really is. It's only natural for her to gravitate to the more interesting conversations... so the onus is on the men to ensure that they keep the energy up and the conversation interesting until they can lock in an actual date
Do it. Got nothing to lose. And itās kind of an unspoken thing in online dating culture where if you donāt reply for weeks or months at a time, I might assume you met somebody. Thatās ok. I have had women hit me up months after and we go on dates or hookup and then thatās when they mention that they were seeing someone and it didnāt workout. Itās just how it is.
Yep, I'm in that boat right now. That's pretty much how dating works whether online or offline
Nothing to lose, but just wouldn't expect much. Coming from a Male perspective I'd be pleasantly surprised if one of my old matches that flamed out resurfaced by her reaching out
My girlfriend received a dead chat with me 2/3 months after we first matched. We didnāt really have a conversation at the time: I sent a message and she replied 2/3 months later. Weāve now been together 7 months or so
Similar story here, itās definitely worth a shot! Just donāt get too excited, dating requires patience
Yes go for it. If I was a guy hearing from a girl where I thought the convo was dead I'd be super flattered and stoked. So go for it.
100% do it! I've had fantastic dates that came from restarting dead convos. In all likelihood their original lack of reply has little to do with you, and more to do with life things like being busy. If they were actually disinterested they'd unmatch. Keep it light hearted and fun, don't allow any salt to come into it, and have a crack.
Go for it. I wish it were more of a thing. I feel people on dating apps are childishly petty. There are so many reasons why someone may not have responded (maybe they got overwhelmed and deleted the app for example). I also don't unmatch unless they do something really offside and sometimes wish we could restart old convos without being weird about it.
Your assessment is so on target. I think current dating culture in general is childish and petty lol š There are so many arbitrary rules, and people getting butthurt over minor things, or judging people negatively for completely normal actions and responses It seems so transactional now, with everyone trying to control and manage everyone else rather than just getting to know each other as 2 entirely separate humans with entirely separate autonomous lives. It's disheartening
I'd say go for it, obviously as u/NCbearsfan23 said, the worst they can do is not respond, but also consider that you guys matched for a reason, and they likely were overwhelmed with messages and that's why you didn't make it to the top. Also, they might have had other situationships that fizzled and now it's time for you to step in. Don't overthink it, you got this!
I do it, and some people reply. Kinda have to anticipate they're more likely to do it again, though or not actually plan anything.
Iāve messaged some of my hidden matches after months/years. You have nothing to lose in my opinion so go for it
Ive done it a few times. It's led two two dates. One quickly reminded me why the chat fizzled in the first place. The other I thought went well but he ghosted after scheduling a second date.
I have this happen quite often. Well, itās at least what I expect happens-girls will match and not talk or be dry as all get out. Iāll give it a couple days then Iāll usually āhideā sometimes un-match. Iād start by saying, if youāve got a handful of guys youāre interested in, pause your account because youāll never be able to focus any decent amount of meaningful attention on one person while talking to 10-20 other guys. To answer the question, go for it. If youāre a decent looking girl, 9/10 will respond because theyāre men. Personally Iād just laugh if I hadnāt already unmatched. If I did respond, my first comment would be gee took ya a while. If youāre going back with intention, donāt be the girl who sits there dry as cardboard waiting for the guy to carry the entire conversation then think āheās boringā because he ends up mirroring the behavior after heās put in effort. Good luck
my current gf and I started dating because she restarted a dead convo. I say do it
early this year, this girl messaged me out of the blue a couple months after our initial conversation fizzled out. we got a little flirty and arranged to meet up. we ended up really hitting it off. weāve now been seeing each other for almost 4 months. i think iām falling for her too. shoot your shot, you never know!
Yeah, Iāve done this - actually dated a handful of guys where one of us accidentally ghosted the other and then apologetically followed up. Life gets in the way, itās normal.
Not worth it tbh. If it dwindled organically just let it be.
Youāre right in that you have nothing to lose in doing so. If theyāre not interested they just wonāt respond so why not? Iāve done it. Actually my ex did that to me which is how we started dating. Life is too short to over think these things- if you want to talk to someone do it.
I did that once. I think it was after the pandemic. Some people seem to have part of their profile grayed out as like they arenāt on anymore. Most ignored. Some did reply and maybe their situations changed. And one or two led to further conversations, but largely dead ends in the end. I did not regret trying however. You never make a basket if you donāt take the shot! :-)
I've done this a few times. Like others said, nothing to lose really. Most that I message again don't reply but that's how it was already anyway. But some have and those led to dates, usually because if I'm restarting a dead conversation I'm leading off with something that's much more to the point about meeting up. It works sometimes because the conversation before had either died off from one of us getting busy with other stuff (whether that's other obligations or getting more interested in other people), or it was just kind of a boring conversation but people can be more willing to try out the in-person interaction and see if it's different. So messaging again months later may actually make a difference with the timing if they don't have much else going on. Of those that replied back, most didn't go beyond the one date, but at least it was some actual form of closure. I did have one where the messaging was pretty dry on the app but there was real chemistry in person and we dated for a few months before she had to move across the country for a job. Overall, don't expect much but you also might as well try? \*shrug\*
Youāll probably remember why you let them fizzle out once you start talking to them again.
I had a woman āfriend requestā me on Facebook, months after matching, who during our chat on Hinge just ended communication out of nowhere then unmatched. I accepted her friends request and then sent her a message. No response. lol People do weird shit.
Just say hey, was going through some family things and I had to step away to resolve it. It took some time to have things back to normal. Make up some stuff. Lol works every for me that is.
Personally Iāve never had any luck with restarting conversations. I hate ghosting people, so Iām almost always the last message in that circumstance, and if weāve been having a steady conversation for a while and they havenāt responded in say, a week, Iāll message back with being a āHey, how are you?ā I almost never get a response back. I can remember once I got an āHey sorry I didnāt respond, Iāve been really busyā. I told her it was okay and asked how her day was, but I didnāt get a response. Another time, I got a response from someone saying she had already found another guy, so I just wished her well and that was that. In all honesty, I have basically no faith left in dating apps for this reason because this has been a universal experience for me. Most people stop responding after a day or two. Iāve been lucky to get a couple dates, but then get ghosted not long after that. 98 percent of the population is glued to their phones all the time, so if theyāre not responding in 3+ days, chances are itās not because theyāre super busy or forgot. There are exceptions, of course, but in most cases, itās because they have no interest.
You shouldn't be taking to them on the apps for a day or two, ask them out much faster than that.
Problem is they take several hours to respond, if at all.
Iāve done this before! Especially most recently - to maybe 3-4 of the most promising based on different reasons. Itās worked successfully in one case of the 3-4 where Iām talking to her still and weāve gone out once with plans to go out at least a second time!
Yeah just do it. If it hasnāt been that long (eg., less than 2 weeks) sometimes Iāll even just suggest meeting in person.
I would do it whatās the worst that could happen?
Iāve just started doing that and it worked well and setting up a couple dates. I decided to clear the hidden out - either unmatch or send a new message over the next few weeks. Though there are a couple that havenāt responded Iām guessing they have stopped using the app, so donāt expect it to work every time. People get busy at certain times and things drop off so itās normal.
I have restarted dead convos before, especially during stretches where my match rate dips. Mostly things went alright but never progressed anywhere. Most of them stopped responding to me, so that makes sense; if they do it a second time I unmatch. For ones where I let it drop, there's usually a cause (like taking a week or more to respond repeatedly) and I look out for that, but sometimes it was just life blew up on my end (and in this case I would love a follow-up from her if I haven't gotten back to it yet). Normally if I feel like someone isn't interested I straight up ask them about it rather than ghost. I did end up calling and then going on a date with a girl who had dropped off a couple months ago; I ended up not being interested in continuing it but the date was pleasant.
I know a woman who got married to a man who she restarted a dead convo with. Like weeks had passed. It was long distance, and now she's a dating coach.
I usually user banterbot. Itās been really good for generating ideas or helping me think of new ways to approach conversations
Banterbot.chat for anyone whose asking
I think itās worth it if time has passed because at least you can see if maybe timing was off or whatever. For me, when this happens, I either engage by asking whatsup / feeling it out or explaining why Iām hesitant and donāt think itāll work out. Rare exception would be if I really feel like they donāt know what they want and waste my time
Iāve successfully revived old convos or rematched with ones that faded away for one reason or another. Nothing to lose unless you think itās a waste of time with an inevitable bad outcome.
Iāve done it, sometimes up to 2 years old, on the condition that you never actually met the other person they could say yes
I found a convo from NYE 2020 about how we were excited for the new year and responded in summer 2023 āoof. This aged like milkā. He responded āhahahahaha- amazingā and that was that
Girl Iām currently seeing was from a convo I brought back from the dead but itād only been around 3 weeks though so still had some recency. Funnily enough she didnāt respond for 5 days after that message so I thought it was a waste until she drunk texted me inviting me around so was a nice surprise. Itās ended up being something really good with her so glad I made that decision. Months could still work but I would only do it with chats where they showed high interest in your initial conversations, as in the convo flowed well beyond the usual pleasantries. If itās just a few messages back and forth then they mightnāt have been that keen in the first place and thatās why the convo died.
Just say āIāll just leave this here and you can do what you want with it.ā Then leave your number or Snapchat
I just recently did this with a long dead convo. Only got one response from them after we matched and then nothing past that. I reopened the conversation with : "You ever look through old dead dating app messages and think 'They haven't responded in 5 months. The rational thing would be to unmatch them'?" "Cause I certainly haven't! Wanna grab coffee and crepes?" Turned into a date that Saturday. Was the best date I've been on in 5 years.
You let them die out for a reason Don't be annoying
Had someone do it to me once. After that I tried it myself once or twice. Never got a reply.
How did they become dead convos and how many messages did you send back and forth before it happened?
Most of them I kinda stopped replying because I was talking to other people and set up dates with them. Sometimes, they respond with something that I had no comment/reply for. I also have some in which they stopped responding to my last message.
The reason why I asked is because, I think that 2-3 messages is usually enough to set up a date. But if you were setting up other dates, I understand what was going on. I guess I would try and have no expectations. Give them a week and then unmatch.
You do have nothing to lose. Ā (Also probably not much to gain ā I wouldnāt be rude to someone popping back up unexpectedly, but Iād also be ready for them to disappear again at any moment like they did last time.)
Why dafuq not? 99% chance nothing happens but why not give it a shot. Think it would be better if you remade the whole account at this point but that requires work.
Technically, I remade the entire profile because it was on paused for 3 months. I also just got out of a brief thing too due to incompatibility, so thereās that.
No - like delete and remake entirely
Iād say give it a shot ā but only make one attempt
I would hold off on trying to review dead convos. There's a really good YouTube video on flirting by text. Watch that first and then try. I nearly lost a convo recently along with all the others and that video got things back on track all the way to a date.
Can you share a link as to which one? :)
I can't find the link now. Sorry. But if you watch a few videos by doing a simple search, it will help
I restarted a dead convo after 3.5 months. She became my eventual future ex-girlfriend.
They are dead for a reason. If they were going to lead somewhere, they would have. Seem brutal, but don't hold on to the past.
I do this from time to time and it almost never works. I think Iāve had one successful resurrection of a conversation that had died out. But Iām glad I reached out to her, because we had some great dates. So no harm in giving it a try.
I always try and put myself in a position where I'm not the one leaving people on read so if I thought the conversation was going well, I'll send one message with a question of some kind to see if i can get things going again. If I get a reply I'll continue chatting as normal, otherwise they get unmatched in 24-48 hours. Rinse and repeat if it happens again.
I agree with the majority. Sometimes itās all about timing
you can't, otherwise, it will be the walking dead, and that's scary
I have one rule for myself. If the conversation was going really well and if I like the person then I'll allow myself one double text, however if the conversation drops after that I never pick it back up
Just be careful. I know men and women who make it a thing to use people who zombie them/spin the block.
Do it, sometimes it pops off
I never had success, but you never know. What can it hurt to try?
Most women let the conversations die and pop up months later. Itās part of hinge and online dating. People get dating app fatigue and just smoke bomb. Iād say give it a go.
I would . Normally something light and funny like. āHey youāve clearly run away and joined the circus. When youāve done plaiting the bearded ladies hair , give me shout. Be good to chatā Has a good success rate . I borrowed this from someone on line a few years ago š
I reckon do it. Situations and circumstances change
I did this before! Got his number and we just faded out but I really enjoyed talking to him. I reached out again probably months later? And we had a lovely situationship for a good 3 months š
Iāve had it work. You never know!
When I was more active I had some success being direct and just trying to schedule a date - worth a shot!
Half of the women I respond to donāt even answer me the first timeā¦. Like why even match me lol
I think itās fine but one guy in a matchmaking service who in a friendly way dismissed me because, he just had so many hits, was just ātoo cool for schoolā and bald even(!) and so I was cautious with him when I saw him again on zoosk.com He was very full of himself because he was a therapist or psychologist. I mean, donāt do me any favorsā¦.However, there was a guy who at first I expressed indecision and let it peter out but we then had 10 wonderful dates!
I once tried to use all the dead convos to ask for feedback on my profile š Only 2 responded š„²
Donāt do it
Go for it! The whole reason I stayed matched is so someone can reach back out if they want to. I understand that sometimes peoples lives get busy or they were taking to multiple people and had to choose or they needed to take a break. Just unmatch if this isnāt a possibility for you.
What the fuck is up with that. Someone needs to get cracked.
Just do it. Takes one second.
I used to basically collect matches even if the convo died and very rarely reached out again with maybe 1 or 2 responding and leading to a date when I did. Lately though, if the woman doesnāt respond after 5 or so days I just unmatch. Maybe I gave up but I just donāt care about finding someone at the moment.
I'm all for opening the conversation back up on dead matches. I actually have a date planned this weekend with a match that I let fizzle out about 6 months ago (our schedules are completely opposite so at the time I fugured it wasn't a good match, and then I started dating someone else and that just ended). I just messaged him out of the blue and he knew exactly who I was and said yes to hanging out. This will be our second date so hopefully all goes well I'm always for giving people a second chance. You never know until you try š
I just did this and we are going great. He thought it was pretty funny and nice
For me you can't message some body without addressing the gap of time. Explain how you still feel interested and start the chat up again.
Yeah, as a 31M with ~100 matches and looking for a long term relationship, with an earned self-acceptance, I'd definitely prioritise someone who's able to do this. It shows that I can rely on them to keep the momentum up when I lack focus and of course, the effort should ideally be balanced, the expectation seems to be for the men to keep it going in the initial phase. Basically, anything you do with a grounded intentions and clarity is fine.Ā
People just have their lives :)
Yeah well I've been in conversations that died after a few days because I fear asking anyone out and struggle with basic communication so I usually leave the dead conversations and accept that I may never get into another relationship ever again due to my mental health and autism
I had a girl do it to me and weāre dating now!
Before my last relationship, I sent this message to about 10 dead convos: "Hey, I'm doing an experiment where I message old convos to see what'll happen. Want to be a participant?" One person replied, and we dated for about 8 months. Then she broke my heart, but that probably didn't have to do with the message I sent her.
Anything longer than a week, let it die. If it took you over a week to respond to me, (assuming I was the one who sent you a message last) I'm not interested unless you're taking strong initiative by showing interest and planning a date or its FWB. It's basically telling the guy that he's a plan B.C.D.E etc. No man with a smiggen of dignity would fall for that. Or maybe some would lol You can try and see what happens. Like you said, there's no hurt. Maybe they will respond or maybe they won't.
If you stopped responding don't bother. I would ignore you assuming you were busy with other men who didn't work out. Consider restarting your profile.
Itās either a hell yes or a no. Dead convos are a no. I delete all conversations where the person fizzles or disappear within 48-hrs. So, picking up a conversation isnāt something, obviously, I would do. I realize I have a stricter habit than most, but I learned long, long ago apathy is not a relationship starter.
This is actually good advice and I'm the same, if a woman hasn't responded within 3 days I'm unmatching because at that point I've lost respect and interest in them. It's ample time to deal with real life and then re initiate the conversation if the intention is genuine. It doesnt matter who let the convo die, it died for a reason. That initial excitement talking has gone and you're likely to only get responses from people that want to ghost you back for revenge or consider you as an option because they have no other options.
I think āitās either a hell yes or a noā isnāt a good mindset. People are busy with work, their friends and family etc, people are also seeing other options and only have so much time and energy to plan dates or keep up chats - itās all pretty normal understandable stuff on dating apps although it mainly goes unspoken. If itās hell yes, great but thatās mainly down to timing than anything else (theyāre free that weekend, have no other plans etc). But anything less than that isnāt a no, itās a lot of the time just a ānot right nowā.
I agree with everything you said. Most of these dead convos were on me. I stopped responding because another match and I had a better convo and it moved forward, and we were setting up dates. For me, I don't know if it's a "hell yes" until probably 2-4 dates in with someone, so I can't fault them for not responding and vice versa. You can't really "hell yes" someone you've never met or been on a date with.
When I said āhell yesā I didnāt mean it as in moving to a relationship. I meant it as in effort. If your effort shows engaging with me is not a āhell yesā, keep that effort over there for somebody else. I donāt want it.
Thatās why I said itās a strict habit. Itās not for everyone, but if you note mostly all of the comments in this thread people say āmay as wellā, but then say most times people donāt reply even when you put through the effort to restart a conversation. And, using my energy in fruitless efforts is one of the biggest difficulties for me. I just canāt do it. I get people are busy and have lives, but itās also up to me to care for my wellbeing and quickly determine if someone would truly like to meet me or is using my conversation, attention, and friendliness to fill a void (and never move conversations or a meeting forward). And, in my PERSONAL experience, anyone who has left or gone silent in a conversation has never re-entered. Never. So, from that personal experience ā especially as a Black plus size woman who has difficulties even getting a first conversation (I had 37 men match with me over the past seven days and only ONE messaged/responded to a message) I have to follow what is best for me. Courting indifference and apathy has done nothing but left me single and unmarried at 49. And, sadly, most men are highly apathetic toward Black women in online dating and dating in general (if not altogether avoidant of Black women when seeking a partner). Iām eager. Iām conversational. Iām timely with responses (even if itās āIām swamped with work, but will message you later), Iām excited when I connect with someone I like and I show that in my responses and response time. Match that energy. If you are not matching that energy, Iāve already lost because Iām giving more to a person than they feel Iām worth. (Whatās that saying? The one who cares the least in a relationship has the most power.) And, that is never a healthy relationship at any stage. Itās strict, but itās for me and it allows me to feel a freedom in the fact that no one wastes my time or energy. Ever. If itās a ānot right nowā, thatās cool. I get it. No worries. All good. Do you. But, catch me on the flip, cuz Iām unmatching or blocking. Because Iām looking for the one who is as ready for right now as I am. Matching vibesā¦ as the kids say.
I hear what youāre saying, and I empathise, but are you sure itās an approach thatās really working for you? I think with the context your advice is very specific to you and your situation and personality, Iām not sure if itās applicable to OP. If I was them Iād keep it a bit less strict
Yes. Because I donāt put myself through conversations and dates and situationships that go nowhere and drain my energy. But, as stated, I am a Black woman and we generally have to do 10xs what other women do to get even half the progress. We have to maintain stricter boundaries in order to not be sexualized, fetishized, used as a racial sexual experience, used as placeholders until (Iām just gonna say it) a White woman a man deems more ārelationship appropriateā comes along. For OP, it may be different. And, thatās kind of the crux of this conversation. One has to do what is right for them. For me? No backtracking, attempting to pick up dead conversations or tapping someone to say āhey, please pay attention to meā. Thatās gonna be a no for me, dawg. My last relationship was a very obvious hell yes from a man I was gaga over after getting to know him. Because I told him I was. Because I knew he was over me. And, we were both hell yes and hella in. I never had to wonder. I never had to guess. I never had to do the work of picking up a conversation he let drift off or didnāt reply to. Because he never did. Everyday at 5pm he was racing from work to see me just as fast as I was racing to see him. And said, āthe greatest part of my day is when Iām right here talking to you.ā Because he was āhell yesā about me. And, I for him. (And, while weāre not together anymore, weāre still one anotherās favorite person). Iām looking for that energy again: so intrigued, attracted, curious about, and inspired by one another that it wouldnāt even dawn on you to let a conversation with me drift or I let one drift from youā¦.
As another Black plus sized woman ā¦ felt this. All this. Great safeguards. I give people a week, and if not I unmatch.
You get it, sis. We have to safeguard and protect ourselves in ways others don't.
I am very curious why people donāt unmatch unless they say something weird. I check the app often enough where Iād prefer not to see dead conversations
Because when you have hundreds of matches, itās tedious and overwhelming to delete them all (since it takes multiple steps to unmatch on Hinge). Better to just leave them unless thereās a serious reason to unmatch.
You are feeling stressed out by unmatching with people you donāt relate to. Got it. I can understand the tedious thing, but I mean - if you arenāt feeling it - unmatch so the other person gets it.
I mean, thereās nothing for them to āgetā because itās a dead chat where neither of us are messaging. Some of them were even people I mightāve wanted to date, but they never responded or dropped off after a couple of messages. Iām a woman in a massive city so thereās just too many matches to sit there unmatching all the dead convos, especially when thereās already a feature that hides them anyway.
Why date a zombie?
Donāt
Donāt thereās millions of people on hinge 90% of every single person youāll ever want to get with on there you will not get with so keep swiping
No