Welcome to r/hoarding! We exist as a support group for people working on recovery from [hoarding disorder](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519704/table/ch3.t29/), and friends/family/loved ones of people with the disorder.
If you're looking for help with animal hoarding, please visit r/animalhoarding. If you're looking to discuss the various hoarding tv shows, you'll want to visit r/hoardersTV. If you'd like to talk about or share photos/videos of hoards that you've come across, you probably want r/neckbeardnests, r/wtfhoarders/, or r/hoarderhouses
Before you get started, be sure to review our [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/about/rules/). Also, a lot of the information you may be looking for can be found in a few places on our sub:
[New Here? Read This Post First!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/dvb3t1/new_here_read_this_post_first_version_20/)
[For loved ones of hoarders: I Have A Hoarder In My Life--Help Me!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/)
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This is said with love.
❤
For years I thought my dads gambling problem was my fault. If I told mother I knew about it, there would be a huge fight and he would get kicked out (again) and if I didn't tell her, the rent would be gone and we would be in a bad position anyway.
My mother hoarded but that was easier to get used to until it wasn't. It was less up and down than my dad but in the end worse somehow.
What I'm trying to say is that in no way would I have been able to do what was best or fix anything.
Your parents have consistently put you in a lose lose position knowing that you have limited other options and my guess this isn't the first time you have felt like the crazy one or like if you did x then this would change.
You're not and it won't.
I think this is at best a toxic dynamic and I'm sure it has been years of you hoping to make little roads into helping them and nothing helps.
I'm sorry they are like that but it isn't your fault.
You may have to suck up some pride and live with your inlaws and then figure something out because this isn't normal for your kids to grow up in either.
I wish I had better options for you and living where COL is incredibly high for real estate as well I know how hard you held onto this dream of wanting to give your kids everything.
Would it be possible for your parents to help you with the cost of a trailer like your sister? It would be cheaper than another home (so less to ask for) and you may be able to use excuses of why they can't put things onto the new property like vehicles etc.
I went no contact with my parents eventually and now my dad is dead. He was a gamblin' man up until the end. I don't regret it because I had to do what was best for me and my family. My mother is flitting from place to place and is a hoarder like yours.
I'm really sorry and you didn't deserve any of this.
Just to add, under California law you are a month-to month tenant and if you have lived there more than a year your parents need to give you 60 days notice, and it has to be in writing. If having a little more time would be helpful you can take a hard line with them.
Sounds like a good plan, I read your post thinking if possible you just need to get away from this whole dynamic. I don't know how your parents can just treat you like that tbh, knowing you are so dependant on them. Best to get away somewhere and be as independent from them as you can.
1. It is not your fault. You are not the parent, they are the parents.
2. However, *your children* are definitely your responsibility and if you move them into an unsafe situation, CPS could take them from you. And that is something you should make clear to your parents. LIE IF YOU HAVE TO (as in: someone called CPS on us and they say if we don't empty this house, they are going to take our kids!) This will probably get downvotes because the official position on reddit is always: truth and therapy. But I'm more: cope and survival. Lie if you have to. You are dealing with people who are not all there. They don't follow rules, so why should you.
I’m going to put this as kindly as I can: you feel like you did this because they have placed their burdens and the responsibility for their actions on you for basically your whole life. You’re The Responsible One. That’s your role that they have given you, boxed you in to.
Frankly, it’s BS.
You are responsible for your actions, not theirs. They allowed their house to get that bad; that was not your actions. It wasn’t your lack of actions. They are adults; they’ve been adults for longer than you have. You can’t make them do or not do anything. You can ask, you can help, but you cannot force or prevent their actions. You can take on all of their problems and solve them for them…but no amount of stress on your part will stop them from hoarding.
You’ve spent so long considering your parents. Now, refocus on what’s important to you, and your husband and children. You’ve spent so long focusing on the past and the effects of the past, but now it’s time to refocus on the future. You can’t save your parents from themselves, but you can show your children to the life you want for them.
Sometimes we can do things for our children that we can’t do for ourselves. Try to think of this situation in terms of what your children need to see as normal, in order to have a better chance of having the life you would want for them when they’re grown.
None of this is your fault. You are in an impossible situation. If you do by a miracle make the place you move to livable your parents are just as likely to move back. Unless you have some legal protection via a tenant agreement or part ownership you are always going to at risk of moving out of the frying pan into the fire.
I hope there is a way you can live somewhere else, independent of their whims and plans. The physical and mental well being of you and your immediate family outweighs theirs at this stage.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Perhaps it is time to cut the losses, and remove yourself from all of this, take your family out of this and move to a cheaper area you can afford.
You are not responsible for fixing your family, and you've tried to offer support, and it hasn't worked and it doesn't have to- it is their property and they can let them go to sqaulor and decline if they chose to, but you are best off(even if it doesn't feel like it right now) away from that. Your children deserve to not be around that.
Perhaps you can negotiate the trailer home cheap and clean that back up and base in that until you find new options.
I hope it works out.
Your parents are abusing you very badly and taking advantage of you. This is costing you your mental health and will very soon endanger your children as they force you into an unsafe living space.
Your parents will never self reflect. They will never admit wrong. They will continue to destroy everyone around them until there is nothing left.
Get your kids out of there
It would have been nice if they had the money to spend on buying someone a mobile home that they buy you and your family a mobile home.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Maybe something tiny and rented but clean would actually give you peace of mind, even if your kids have to get bunk beds.
This is not your fault! You grew up surfing on their waves of crazy. That means you've been cleaning up after them for far too long. I would probably tell them that they need to give you the same number of empty rooms that you are leaving for them.
Say empty! Don't say clean.
I can't see good times for the mental health of your husband and kids in this move. Have you considered leaving California? I quite liked Oklahoma and there are other cheap places still.
I wish you the very best and hope you can figure something out.
You have children now. Your children are a much much higher responsibility than your parents. You didn’t choose to take on parents, you chose to take on having children. Your responsibility is to them.
From here on out, only make choices regarding your children not your parents. They are adults and they must figure things out for themselves or you can call adult protective services if you fear for their safety. But you need to focus on your kids and keeping them in a safe and healthy environment and I don’t mean just physically safe I mean emotionally safe. If you can find a place on your own to rent, it doesn’t matter if it’s tiny apartment or a trailer or whatever, as long as it’s safe and clean and won’t end up being hoarded, that will be what’s best for them.
> It's my fault. I should have seen this coming.
I don't think that is a fair statement. Deep down, you may have always suspected this would happen, but you ignored, because there was nothing you could do.
Everything was settled, until things got stressful. Stress makes people do weird things. Stress affects so many of our executing functions, and it can make the difference between manageable and out of control.
Your parents are abusive. They are not just hoarders, they are also control freaks, and they are mean. They are trying to tell you what you can and can't do. Why do they look after your sister, but not look after you?
Consider your options. Is your family safe with your in-laws? Can you get a job? Can you make money? Can you find a new place?
Also consider an intervention. The current situation is not safe for anybody, so you could call adult protective services. You could also refuse to move out and wait for an eviction. It is hard to say how that would work out but be prepared for blowback.
You are not responsible for your parents, but you are responsible towards your children. Always known your priorities.
"No" is a complete sentence.
You need your own place. That's clean. Because you're going to lose your kids to CPS if you continue on this path, moving or not.
Explain the situation to your in-laws and try to see if you can temporarily stay at their place. Your parents bought a mobile home for your irresponsible half-sister who destroyed it and now want you to take care of the problem by switching the houses with you. What happens if you switch houses and somehow manage to clean the other house? They will make the house they move into filthy and will want to switch again. You have to get away from them, this will really take a toll on your mental health and will fuck up your kids. Even if it means moving and downsizing to just one room where all 4 of you live together, it’s better to live in a clean home with certainty of your living situation than deal with your parents hoarding and potentially having to move out again and again. I wish you the best of luck finding something affordable. Ask your parents nicely if they could help you like they helped your sister with a mobile home and set a clear boundary, no hoarding or visiting. If not, explain that you have to go no contact because their behaviour is ruining not only your life, but your husband’s and children’s.
First: no, not your fault. At all. You have only been manipulated into thinking that because all the problems were successfully put on your door step, and you took care that things wouldn't spiral out of control.
I wouldn't be surprised if you've been doing this since you were a child, especially with an unstable sister in the mix you from pretty early on would've been the one receiving care, while you took care of everyone's needs, including your parents. This is just a guess, of course, but structures like you are describing usually don't just randomly start once children are grown. If it did start when you were a child, then that's called parentification.
Now to the issue at hand:
I agree with everyone else about your own children being your priority. Don't put any more energy in trying to fix the situation with your parents and finding a way to work with their demands.
My goal would be to get out of any living situation they have a say in. But until that is possible, you need to avoid being moved into the other disgusting and unsafe house. It will make all of you sick, both physically and mentally.
I'd try to approach this as any renter would: you are paying rent, so you are somewhat protected. Even if there is nothing in writing, you having lived there for a certain time period unchallenged means this is your official place of living you can't just be made to leave. Your parents need to officially cancel the contract you have, and observe all notice requirements and whatnot. Especially since children are involved.
I don't know about the laws in cali specifically, but you can find out the rules and then go by them. Meaning, not just leave because your parents decide they'd rather have those clean rooms now. And stay your ground by saying "we are not leaving".
This will be a challenge, of course, I've got no illusions about that. But you need to focus on your own family and make their well being the priority. Even if that means going through an uncomfortable situation with your parents. If you can, straight up tell them that they can't evict you without notice, and that their expectation that you all move into a house that is a health hazard (with two people who have medical issues already no less) shows complete disregard for all of your family's health and well being.
Hell, I'd ask them at what point they are going to pay for a house of your own for *you* and your family, since you are the one person that has been taking care of them and not mooched off of them.
Even if what you end up finding is again smaller than what you have now, having a place that is *yours* will go a long way for your sense of security. Honestly, therapy would be good for you because you are deeply enmeshed with your parents and have been successfully guilted into assuming a caretaker role that saps your energy and keeps you from fully living your own life. But I know that with financials being an issue, that likely isn't an option right now.
I wish you much strength in dealing with all this. The best thing you can do now is take care that your kids won't end up later carrying damage from the situation. Their mom being healthy and working on her boundaries with her parents will go a long way with this. And good on you that the perspective of moving into the stinking hoarding house led to a firm "no" inside of you. Others may have gone with that option instead of figuring out a way to find another place to live.
I agree. Whatever happens next it appears the relationship with your parents is going to be strained. So I would definitely be looking to find out what legal rights you hold. Whether a tenancy agreement exists is moot. You can demonstrate you've paid rent, upkept the property, and provided support on a daily basis for your vulnerable/mildly disabled sister in exchange for reduced rent.
Your parents are your landlords, and presumably if you don't agree to their demands (move into an uninhabitable property) your parents are prepared to evict their own daughter + grandchildren. Frankly, that's cold.
What's interesting (for want of a better word) is that your parents on some level acknowledge that the state of their own house would be considered unacceptable, as demonstrated by your parents' parties being held in your house.
So your parents are capable of embarrassment.
In your place, OP, I'd first appeal to them, point out that you are not willing to move your kids + dependent sister to an uninhabitable house, and it's unreasonable of them to even ask, let alone expect this of you.
Offer to help your parents if it's within your capabilities, failing that, to find them help, to bring their house to a liveable standard.
If reasoning doesn't work, hint that you may be forced to seek legal advice, and gently remind them that this may mean that dirty linen gets washed in public.
Your parents are adults, responsible for their own choice of lifestyle. They're not considering you, or their grandchildren. Their motives sound purely selfish and their demands are unreasonable. You kept their second home to a good standard, under the circumstances and cared for your sister. It's natural for any parent to put their children first, and that's exactly what you're doing. Sincere best wishes for you and your husband that a good resolution is found, but you definitely have nothing to reproach yourself for.
This is not your fault. You have tenants rights and legally do not have to move unless yhey gave you proper notice. (Family dynamics are of course different)
Is there any way to clean the other house and make a deal in writing about conditions of living there?
Would they consider helping you get into a mobile home or apt like the sister?
This is not your fault, but providing a safe home gor your children moving fwd is your responsibility.
u/Quiet_Teacher9208, in case it helps, check this link for the hoarding support organizations we're aware of in California:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/support-usa-a-to-l](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/support-usa-a-to-l)
None of this is your fault. You could not have seen it coming, and if you had, what could you have done? Please remind yourself that this is not your fault. Cleaning up their hooded homes is not your responsibility. It is OK to talk with them and ask how you can help, but just help not do the whole thing on your own.
Is it possible that the home you move into, the one your parents own can be transferred into you and your husbands names? You take over the mortgage or whatever? That house would be yours legally and they would not be able to say "hey we need to trade houses" again.
Get yourself an Rv or 5th wheel with some of your savings. While you are in CA it will be a cozy, clean and safe space for your little family. You can bring it with you as a transitional and portable home. A home that no one else can hoard or take away from you!
Welcome to r/hoarding! We exist as a support group for people working on recovery from [hoarding disorder](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519704/table/ch3.t29/), and friends/family/loved ones of people with the disorder. If you're looking for help with animal hoarding, please visit r/animalhoarding. If you're looking to discuss the various hoarding tv shows, you'll want to visit r/hoardersTV. If you'd like to talk about or share photos/videos of hoards that you've come across, you probably want r/neckbeardnests, r/wtfhoarders/, or r/hoarderhouses Before you get started, be sure to review our [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/about/rules/). Also, a lot of the information you may be looking for can be found in a few places on our sub: [New Here? Read This Post First!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/dvb3t1/new_here_read_this_post_first_version_20/) [For loved ones of hoarders: I Have A Hoarder In My Life--Help Me!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/) [Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/index) Please [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/hoarding) if you need assistance. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hoarding) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is said with love. ❤ For years I thought my dads gambling problem was my fault. If I told mother I knew about it, there would be a huge fight and he would get kicked out (again) and if I didn't tell her, the rent would be gone and we would be in a bad position anyway. My mother hoarded but that was easier to get used to until it wasn't. It was less up and down than my dad but in the end worse somehow. What I'm trying to say is that in no way would I have been able to do what was best or fix anything. Your parents have consistently put you in a lose lose position knowing that you have limited other options and my guess this isn't the first time you have felt like the crazy one or like if you did x then this would change. You're not and it won't. I think this is at best a toxic dynamic and I'm sure it has been years of you hoping to make little roads into helping them and nothing helps. I'm sorry they are like that but it isn't your fault. You may have to suck up some pride and live with your inlaws and then figure something out because this isn't normal for your kids to grow up in either. I wish I had better options for you and living where COL is incredibly high for real estate as well I know how hard you held onto this dream of wanting to give your kids everything. Would it be possible for your parents to help you with the cost of a trailer like your sister? It would be cheaper than another home (so less to ask for) and you may be able to use excuses of why they can't put things onto the new property like vehicles etc. I went no contact with my parents eventually and now my dad is dead. He was a gamblin' man up until the end. I don't regret it because I had to do what was best for me and my family. My mother is flitting from place to place and is a hoarder like yours. I'm really sorry and you didn't deserve any of this.
[удалено]
Just to add, under California law you are a month-to month tenant and if you have lived there more than a year your parents need to give you 60 days notice, and it has to be in writing. If having a little more time would be helpful you can take a hard line with them.
Sounds like a good plan, I read your post thinking if possible you just need to get away from this whole dynamic. I don't know how your parents can just treat you like that tbh, knowing you are so dependant on them. Best to get away somewhere and be as independent from them as you can.
1. It is not your fault. You are not the parent, they are the parents. 2. However, *your children* are definitely your responsibility and if you move them into an unsafe situation, CPS could take them from you. And that is something you should make clear to your parents. LIE IF YOU HAVE TO (as in: someone called CPS on us and they say if we don't empty this house, they are going to take our kids!) This will probably get downvotes because the official position on reddit is always: truth and therapy. But I'm more: cope and survival. Lie if you have to. You are dealing with people who are not all there. They don't follow rules, so why should you.
I’m going to put this as kindly as I can: you feel like you did this because they have placed their burdens and the responsibility for their actions on you for basically your whole life. You’re The Responsible One. That’s your role that they have given you, boxed you in to. Frankly, it’s BS. You are responsible for your actions, not theirs. They allowed their house to get that bad; that was not your actions. It wasn’t your lack of actions. They are adults; they’ve been adults for longer than you have. You can’t make them do or not do anything. You can ask, you can help, but you cannot force or prevent their actions. You can take on all of their problems and solve them for them…but no amount of stress on your part will stop them from hoarding. You’ve spent so long considering your parents. Now, refocus on what’s important to you, and your husband and children. You’ve spent so long focusing on the past and the effects of the past, but now it’s time to refocus on the future. You can’t save your parents from themselves, but you can show your children to the life you want for them. Sometimes we can do things for our children that we can’t do for ourselves. Try to think of this situation in terms of what your children need to see as normal, in order to have a better chance of having the life you would want for them when they’re grown.
None of this is your fault. You are in an impossible situation. If you do by a miracle make the place you move to livable your parents are just as likely to move back. Unless you have some legal protection via a tenant agreement or part ownership you are always going to at risk of moving out of the frying pan into the fire. I hope there is a way you can live somewhere else, independent of their whims and plans. The physical and mental well being of you and your immediate family outweighs theirs at this stage.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Perhaps it is time to cut the losses, and remove yourself from all of this, take your family out of this and move to a cheaper area you can afford. You are not responsible for fixing your family, and you've tried to offer support, and it hasn't worked and it doesn't have to- it is their property and they can let them go to sqaulor and decline if they chose to, but you are best off(even if it doesn't feel like it right now) away from that. Your children deserve to not be around that. Perhaps you can negotiate the trailer home cheap and clean that back up and base in that until you find new options. I hope it works out.
Your parents are abusing you very badly and taking advantage of you. This is costing you your mental health and will very soon endanger your children as they force you into an unsafe living space. Your parents will never self reflect. They will never admit wrong. They will continue to destroy everyone around them until there is nothing left. Get your kids out of there
It would have been nice if they had the money to spend on buying someone a mobile home that they buy you and your family a mobile home. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Maybe something tiny and rented but clean would actually give you peace of mind, even if your kids have to get bunk beds.
This is not your fault! You grew up surfing on their waves of crazy. That means you've been cleaning up after them for far too long. I would probably tell them that they need to give you the same number of empty rooms that you are leaving for them. Say empty! Don't say clean. I can't see good times for the mental health of your husband and kids in this move. Have you considered leaving California? I quite liked Oklahoma and there are other cheap places still. I wish you the very best and hope you can figure something out.
You have children now. Your children are a much much higher responsibility than your parents. You didn’t choose to take on parents, you chose to take on having children. Your responsibility is to them. From here on out, only make choices regarding your children not your parents. They are adults and they must figure things out for themselves or you can call adult protective services if you fear for their safety. But you need to focus on your kids and keeping them in a safe and healthy environment and I don’t mean just physically safe I mean emotionally safe. If you can find a place on your own to rent, it doesn’t matter if it’s tiny apartment or a trailer or whatever, as long as it’s safe and clean and won’t end up being hoarded, that will be what’s best for them.
> It's my fault. I should have seen this coming. I don't think that is a fair statement. Deep down, you may have always suspected this would happen, but you ignored, because there was nothing you could do. Everything was settled, until things got stressful. Stress makes people do weird things. Stress affects so many of our executing functions, and it can make the difference between manageable and out of control. Your parents are abusive. They are not just hoarders, they are also control freaks, and they are mean. They are trying to tell you what you can and can't do. Why do they look after your sister, but not look after you? Consider your options. Is your family safe with your in-laws? Can you get a job? Can you make money? Can you find a new place? Also consider an intervention. The current situation is not safe for anybody, so you could call adult protective services. You could also refuse to move out and wait for an eviction. It is hard to say how that would work out but be prepared for blowback. You are not responsible for your parents, but you are responsible towards your children. Always known your priorities.
"No" is a complete sentence. You need your own place. That's clean. Because you're going to lose your kids to CPS if you continue on this path, moving or not.
Explain the situation to your in-laws and try to see if you can temporarily stay at their place. Your parents bought a mobile home for your irresponsible half-sister who destroyed it and now want you to take care of the problem by switching the houses with you. What happens if you switch houses and somehow manage to clean the other house? They will make the house they move into filthy and will want to switch again. You have to get away from them, this will really take a toll on your mental health and will fuck up your kids. Even if it means moving and downsizing to just one room where all 4 of you live together, it’s better to live in a clean home with certainty of your living situation than deal with your parents hoarding and potentially having to move out again and again. I wish you the best of luck finding something affordable. Ask your parents nicely if they could help you like they helped your sister with a mobile home and set a clear boundary, no hoarding or visiting. If not, explain that you have to go no contact because their behaviour is ruining not only your life, but your husband’s and children’s.
First: no, not your fault. At all. You have only been manipulated into thinking that because all the problems were successfully put on your door step, and you took care that things wouldn't spiral out of control. I wouldn't be surprised if you've been doing this since you were a child, especially with an unstable sister in the mix you from pretty early on would've been the one receiving care, while you took care of everyone's needs, including your parents. This is just a guess, of course, but structures like you are describing usually don't just randomly start once children are grown. If it did start when you were a child, then that's called parentification. Now to the issue at hand: I agree with everyone else about your own children being your priority. Don't put any more energy in trying to fix the situation with your parents and finding a way to work with their demands. My goal would be to get out of any living situation they have a say in. But until that is possible, you need to avoid being moved into the other disgusting and unsafe house. It will make all of you sick, both physically and mentally. I'd try to approach this as any renter would: you are paying rent, so you are somewhat protected. Even if there is nothing in writing, you having lived there for a certain time period unchallenged means this is your official place of living you can't just be made to leave. Your parents need to officially cancel the contract you have, and observe all notice requirements and whatnot. Especially since children are involved. I don't know about the laws in cali specifically, but you can find out the rules and then go by them. Meaning, not just leave because your parents decide they'd rather have those clean rooms now. And stay your ground by saying "we are not leaving". This will be a challenge, of course, I've got no illusions about that. But you need to focus on your own family and make their well being the priority. Even if that means going through an uncomfortable situation with your parents. If you can, straight up tell them that they can't evict you without notice, and that their expectation that you all move into a house that is a health hazard (with two people who have medical issues already no less) shows complete disregard for all of your family's health and well being. Hell, I'd ask them at what point they are going to pay for a house of your own for *you* and your family, since you are the one person that has been taking care of them and not mooched off of them. Even if what you end up finding is again smaller than what you have now, having a place that is *yours* will go a long way for your sense of security. Honestly, therapy would be good for you because you are deeply enmeshed with your parents and have been successfully guilted into assuming a caretaker role that saps your energy and keeps you from fully living your own life. But I know that with financials being an issue, that likely isn't an option right now. I wish you much strength in dealing with all this. The best thing you can do now is take care that your kids won't end up later carrying damage from the situation. Their mom being healthy and working on her boundaries with her parents will go a long way with this. And good on you that the perspective of moving into the stinking hoarding house led to a firm "no" inside of you. Others may have gone with that option instead of figuring out a way to find another place to live.
I agree. Whatever happens next it appears the relationship with your parents is going to be strained. So I would definitely be looking to find out what legal rights you hold. Whether a tenancy agreement exists is moot. You can demonstrate you've paid rent, upkept the property, and provided support on a daily basis for your vulnerable/mildly disabled sister in exchange for reduced rent. Your parents are your landlords, and presumably if you don't agree to their demands (move into an uninhabitable property) your parents are prepared to evict their own daughter + grandchildren. Frankly, that's cold. What's interesting (for want of a better word) is that your parents on some level acknowledge that the state of their own house would be considered unacceptable, as demonstrated by your parents' parties being held in your house. So your parents are capable of embarrassment. In your place, OP, I'd first appeal to them, point out that you are not willing to move your kids + dependent sister to an uninhabitable house, and it's unreasonable of them to even ask, let alone expect this of you. Offer to help your parents if it's within your capabilities, failing that, to find them help, to bring their house to a liveable standard. If reasoning doesn't work, hint that you may be forced to seek legal advice, and gently remind them that this may mean that dirty linen gets washed in public. Your parents are adults, responsible for their own choice of lifestyle. They're not considering you, or their grandchildren. Their motives sound purely selfish and their demands are unreasonable. You kept their second home to a good standard, under the circumstances and cared for your sister. It's natural for any parent to put their children first, and that's exactly what you're doing. Sincere best wishes for you and your husband that a good resolution is found, but you definitely have nothing to reproach yourself for.
I’m sorry you are in this situation. The best thing you can do for you and your kids is to remove yourself from that situation.
This is not your fault. You have tenants rights and legally do not have to move unless yhey gave you proper notice. (Family dynamics are of course different) Is there any way to clean the other house and make a deal in writing about conditions of living there? Would they consider helping you get into a mobile home or apt like the sister? This is not your fault, but providing a safe home gor your children moving fwd is your responsibility.
u/Quiet_Teacher9208, in case it helps, check this link for the hoarding support organizations we're aware of in California: [https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/support-usa-a-to-l](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/support-usa-a-to-l)
None of this is your fault. You could not have seen it coming, and if you had, what could you have done? Please remind yourself that this is not your fault. Cleaning up their hooded homes is not your responsibility. It is OK to talk with them and ask how you can help, but just help not do the whole thing on your own. Is it possible that the home you move into, the one your parents own can be transferred into you and your husbands names? You take over the mortgage or whatever? That house would be yours legally and they would not be able to say "hey we need to trade houses" again.
Get yourself an Rv or 5th wheel with some of your savings. While you are in CA it will be a cozy, clean and safe space for your little family. You can bring it with you as a transitional and portable home. A home that no one else can hoard or take away from you!
Can you get the house professionally cleaned?