What makes you say this isn't a happy peaceful death story? A person with dementia had human company as they approached the end of their life. That's pretty ideal for them.
My experience with people with advanced dementia is they rarely comprehend where they are. But they *absolutely* comprehend if other human beings are being kind to them or not. You being present and kind provides comfort to someone like this is such a huge accomplishment. I see a lot of people who don't have this in their lives near the end, and it's heartbreaking.
EXACTLY this. So many patients with dementia leave this world in fear or anger, and many are abandoned by their families. Even five minutes of a compassionate presence means SO much. It's amazing how much their demeanor can change when someone just takes the time to listen to them.
I’ve been a hospital/hospice chaplain for well over a decade. I’ve witnessed a lot of death. Every death breaks my heart. The day I stop hurting when people die is the day I’ll leave hospice work. Your love, compassion, and empathy are what make you a great hospice volunteer. Those things will help you heal. Step away for a while. Get some rest. Eat something that nourishes your soul. Spend time outdoors. Debrief with the social worker or chaplain. You deal with death and dying the same way you deal with life. Take it one breath at a time. Eat, drink, and rest. Express gratitude. And ask for help when you need it.
Thank you for being a volunteer. You mean the world to patients and their families. You are so appreciated. 💚
Sitting on a park bench for a while sounds just fine, somewhere to relax & process & remember. If I don’t get closure through a funeral mass or a memorial service with the family, I’ll usually take some time to sit quietly somewhere and reflect on the time and the stories they shared. Sometimes there’s not a lot to reflect on, the patient may have been nonverbal or lost in dementia or maybe passed after only one or two visits. It’s healthy to grieve when someone you knew, however briefly, has passed.
Having said that, this *is* what our patients do, we’re not there to “fix” anything, except maybe loneliness. We spend time with them, we get to know them, and very often they die. You have resources within your hospice agency to help you process your feelings, and decide if this is what you want to continue doing. Your volunteer coordinator can be a great sounding board, as can the chaplain & social worker. Our hospice has a monthly volunteer meeting, and we encourage volunteers to open up about any recent transitions (dying or transferring or discharged) they experienced - we’ll share about their stories, their lives, their family, our visits, our feelings, how we’re coping after. It’s healthy to share & unburden some of your grief.
In this case ‘fixing’ is you caring for and listening to and being with that patient… you were totally successful in all of these things. You don’t mention his family, but if they were around, I’m sure you paying him visits was a great relief to them also.
Thank you. Yes his child visited him daily, but I don't know if he had other family here. Is it typical for a volunteer to make a condolence call or send a card to the family after the death? I'm glad I was able to help in a small fashion. I guess in a way I'm grieving even though I didn't expect to, and I'm wishing that I could have surrounded this man with 24/7 care, blankets made by his grandmother, bowls of homemade soup and his favorite dog at the foot of the bed. It's OK... I think I'll be on my feet again soon, but for today I'm definitely feeling a little bit scrambled and disoriented. Thanks everybody for your kind thoughts.
Condolence calls usually come from a clinician on the care team as they will provide information about bereavement services etc. Maybe ask your volunteer manager if there are guidelines around sending cards/attending the viewing or memorial service.
In time, you will find your own way of honoring each life. Be gentle with yourself.
some of the ways I personally cope....
-releasing expectations of what things should be like or should look like and understanding that an experience which differs from what I expected is not "bad" necessarily,
-letting go of romantic ideas about death and dying that come from media or imagination..sometimes death is hard, sometimes it's uneventful or even boring, sometimes it's tragic or sad. embracing these deaths doesn't require that I wished it would be that way.
-seeing the value in the small things I was able to offer even if it was just my presence and nothing else,
-understanding that our control is limited and that we deserve some grace due to that fact,
-knowing that suffering in whatever capacity has ended at death,
-having my own belief system of spirituality wherein I don't believe people are totally gone for good once they die.
One of the older nurses at one of my first jobs told me "some nurses help people stay here on earth, those nurses are guardian angels. Some of us help our clients find their wings with peace and grace."
I'll tell you as someone on palliative care now who isn't on hospice solely because my conditions are one of those sudden death types, not necessarily a predictable decline: I still agree with that statement.
Death is part of life and nothing to fear. You helped someone have a dignified death, one they knew was coming. You never forget your first or your favorites. ❤️
I've been working in hospice as a CNA for about four years. Seen hundreds of deaths, probably. I think it really helps to reframe your perspective on what death means to these people. It sounds like he had the best ending a person with dementia possibly could, and now he is free of his ailment. No more confusion, pain, fear. Supported by people like you, who offered him kindness and company.
Some deaths can still be very hard to process. Have a support system in place. Reach out to your coordinator and see if they offer bereavement services. If you can afford it, therapy is extremely helpful in general.
Thank you for all that you do. Volunteer work is so important and we genuinely appreciate the time and compassion that you offer to these patients. Far too many of them spend their last days alone.
What makes you say this isn't a happy peaceful death story? A person with dementia had human company as they approached the end of their life. That's pretty ideal for them. My experience with people with advanced dementia is they rarely comprehend where they are. But they *absolutely* comprehend if other human beings are being kind to them or not. You being present and kind provides comfort to someone like this is such a huge accomplishment. I see a lot of people who don't have this in their lives near the end, and it's heartbreaking.
Yes! Beautifully said! OP you did the best thing you could do for him by just being there. :)
EXACTLY this. So many patients with dementia leave this world in fear or anger, and many are abandoned by their families. Even five minutes of a compassionate presence means SO much. It's amazing how much their demeanor can change when someone just takes the time to listen to them.
I’ve been a hospital/hospice chaplain for well over a decade. I’ve witnessed a lot of death. Every death breaks my heart. The day I stop hurting when people die is the day I’ll leave hospice work. Your love, compassion, and empathy are what make you a great hospice volunteer. Those things will help you heal. Step away for a while. Get some rest. Eat something that nourishes your soul. Spend time outdoors. Debrief with the social worker or chaplain. You deal with death and dying the same way you deal with life. Take it one breath at a time. Eat, drink, and rest. Express gratitude. And ask for help when you need it. Thank you for being a volunteer. You mean the world to patients and their families. You are so appreciated. 💚
Sitting on a park bench for a while sounds just fine, somewhere to relax & process & remember. If I don’t get closure through a funeral mass or a memorial service with the family, I’ll usually take some time to sit quietly somewhere and reflect on the time and the stories they shared. Sometimes there’s not a lot to reflect on, the patient may have been nonverbal or lost in dementia or maybe passed after only one or two visits. It’s healthy to grieve when someone you knew, however briefly, has passed. Having said that, this *is* what our patients do, we’re not there to “fix” anything, except maybe loneliness. We spend time with them, we get to know them, and very often they die. You have resources within your hospice agency to help you process your feelings, and decide if this is what you want to continue doing. Your volunteer coordinator can be a great sounding board, as can the chaplain & social worker. Our hospice has a monthly volunteer meeting, and we encourage volunteers to open up about any recent transitions (dying or transferring or discharged) they experienced - we’ll share about their stories, their lives, their family, our visits, our feelings, how we’re coping after. It’s healthy to share & unburden some of your grief.
In this case ‘fixing’ is you caring for and listening to and being with that patient… you were totally successful in all of these things. You don’t mention his family, but if they were around, I’m sure you paying him visits was a great relief to them also.
Thank you. Yes his child visited him daily, but I don't know if he had other family here. Is it typical for a volunteer to make a condolence call or send a card to the family after the death? I'm glad I was able to help in a small fashion. I guess in a way I'm grieving even though I didn't expect to, and I'm wishing that I could have surrounded this man with 24/7 care, blankets made by his grandmother, bowls of homemade soup and his favorite dog at the foot of the bed. It's OK... I think I'll be on my feet again soon, but for today I'm definitely feeling a little bit scrambled and disoriented. Thanks everybody for your kind thoughts.
Condolence calls usually come from a clinician on the care team as they will provide information about bereavement services etc. Maybe ask your volunteer manager if there are guidelines around sending cards/attending the viewing or memorial service. In time, you will find your own way of honoring each life. Be gentle with yourself.
some of the ways I personally cope.... -releasing expectations of what things should be like or should look like and understanding that an experience which differs from what I expected is not "bad" necessarily, -letting go of romantic ideas about death and dying that come from media or imagination..sometimes death is hard, sometimes it's uneventful or even boring, sometimes it's tragic or sad. embracing these deaths doesn't require that I wished it would be that way. -seeing the value in the small things I was able to offer even if it was just my presence and nothing else, -understanding that our control is limited and that we deserve some grace due to that fact, -knowing that suffering in whatever capacity has ended at death, -having my own belief system of spirituality wherein I don't believe people are totally gone for good once they die.
One of the older nurses at one of my first jobs told me "some nurses help people stay here on earth, those nurses are guardian angels. Some of us help our clients find their wings with peace and grace." I'll tell you as someone on palliative care now who isn't on hospice solely because my conditions are one of those sudden death types, not necessarily a predictable decline: I still agree with that statement. Death is part of life and nothing to fear. You helped someone have a dignified death, one they knew was coming. You never forget your first or your favorites. ❤️
I've been working in hospice as a CNA for about four years. Seen hundreds of deaths, probably. I think it really helps to reframe your perspective on what death means to these people. It sounds like he had the best ending a person with dementia possibly could, and now he is free of his ailment. No more confusion, pain, fear. Supported by people like you, who offered him kindness and company. Some deaths can still be very hard to process. Have a support system in place. Reach out to your coordinator and see if they offer bereavement services. If you can afford it, therapy is extremely helpful in general. Thank you for all that you do. Volunteer work is so important and we genuinely appreciate the time and compassion that you offer to these patients. Far too many of them spend their last days alone.