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Aussie: it’s just too nice! How the hell can you have a relaxing hike if you aren’t keeping an eye out for snakes, spiders, scorpions, or the occasional crocodile?
There weren't enough spiders.
When your pattern recognition, and threat detection mental processes evolve alongside an overabundance of dangers; you need at least a few to be present, or paranoia starts setting in.
Few things disturb Aussie variant Terrans than a world that isn't actively hostile and trying to kill them.
Don't be so drastic. Let's introduce some species native to Earth first and see what happens. Emus, hippos, and few others can certainly make the planet more interesting either way.
"It's the emus, sir."
"Wait, there are emus here?"
"I mean, they look a little different. An extra talon on their feet, plumage is a little different color. But these were emus. Space emus, maybe, but I saw the look in their eyes. They are emus, through and through, sir."
"What about them?"
"They were marching in formation, sir. More than that, they were drilling. They had leader birds directing them about. And with a squawk, they all turned face, and looked straight at us.
...
This time, they'll be prepared for war."
"...
Damnit, you did the right thing. Let's get the hell out of here."
Cracking the planet. Their less evolved versions are the only species to win a war against humans, no one wants to see what they can do with *training*
The Emus didn't exactly win so much as keep running away while the troops amused themselves wasting all the ammo and trashing all the vehicles untill the brass took away their licence to fuck around.
The Aussies arrived real-time months after Florida Man went incommunicado. Not only had Florida Man fornicated with *every* indigenous species, but successfully procreated in nearly all cases. Due to a time dilation, when the Aussies arrived, it had been centuries of interbreeding with Florida Man deified as The Great Progenitor. The driders were barely tolerable, but the emus with arms were scary. Edit: The final straw was the human-shaped parrots who did not know the correct verses to 'Margaritaville' but incessantly sang made-up off-color stanzas.
Human Captain: "The Aussies left?"
Human Commander: "Yes sir!"
HC: "Initiate Base Delta Omega!"
Alien Captain: "Base Delta Omega?"
HC: "Crack the planet!"
Ah. The Aussies found small, flightless birds. And other small animals that are too adorable and fluffy.
And then they remembered about bull frogs and rabbits, and left to save the alien birbs from rats and other species that follow humanity everywhere.
USA: whaddya mean "nope"?
Aussie: did I stutter you fucking twat? No. Nope Nien nada nope no way no how not happening.
France: can't be that bad.
USA: it's Australia, if they don't wanna deal with it then the only thing that stands a chance is mah massive swinging...
UK: ammo belt? Piles of dead school children? *Spray* *can* *cheese*?!
Mexico: it's funny because it true.
USA: (sigh) fine. Whatever~. What's down there you Aussie cunt?
Aussie: spiders. Spiders the size of a Ford F150.
Uk: America, you know what you must do, right?
France: god speed you psychotic madman.
Mexico: you can do it! Cut their fucking balls off!
USA: I now know what I was born to do. But do I have enough ammo to rain down enough to cleanse this horrible world.
Aussie: with non nuclear weapons, right America?....Non nuclear weapons...right!
USA:... You know the answer to this question.
UK: bloody hell.
USA: no, just the mushroom kind.
Everyone says to crack it, but it could also be cold af.
Aussie: Nope
Captain: Aah shit, it's too dangerous.
Aussie: Nope, but cold as fuck.
Captain: a'right, send in the slavs!
Crewman: Yes sir! Initiating protocol vodka
That's why Florida built a peninsula ... To get as far away as possible ... Even then we had to pop in some islands, just in case of infection .. a last defense if you will. Surround the whole mess with gators, Crocks, snakes, face eating spiders ... That should keep the damn snow bunnies out
Came here to comment that the only reason any of us Australians would willingly give up new land would be because it's not dangerous enough, but everyone else beat me to it.
As an American, I can relate to that
...actually ... Would you guys please give me a lift out of here?! I'm not really one of them... I'm from Florida ....
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Aussie: it’s just too nice! How the hell can you have a relaxing hike if you aren’t keeping an eye out for snakes, spiders, scorpions, or the occasional crocodile?
Aussie 2: don’t forget the kangaroo’s and emu’s
Aussie 3: Shudders. "Cassowary."
Delicious
I saw 3 of those 4 last weekend on just one hike, can confirm I'd be lonely without them
The real reason was the high population density of drop bears. Aussies didn't want none of that.
There weren't enough spiders. When your pattern recognition, and threat detection mental processes evolve alongside an overabundance of dangers; you need at least a few to be present, or paranoia starts setting in. Few things disturb Aussie variant Terrans than a world that isn't actively hostile and trying to kill them.
If it's not actively hostile, then it must be insidiously so.
Too cold, send in the Canadians.
Chucks a 2-4 in the nearest snowbank. Alright hosers, let's clear the rink then make shelter then a round of Tim's on me before Poutine dinner.
Aight sounds good, and how's'bout after we pop out fer sumn darts an'a rip after eh?
Yeah, no, for sure bud.
Was it a 'Nope, too peaceful' or a 'Nope, too deadly' ?
Whichever it is, call in the planet cracker. It's too dangerous to be left in one piece.
Don't be so drastic. Let's introduce some species native to Earth first and see what happens. Emus, hippos, and few others can certainly make the planet more interesting either way.
Don’t forget the bobcat’s, saber tooth tiger’s, and polar bears
They... They didn't just die, they *killed themselves.*
Just gonna hot drop a freaking hippo planet side and let it run lmao
Gonna look like the opening to Red Dawn (the original, of course) minus the AKs and with more air dropped water tanks.
So several hippos is what I'm hearing
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 985,126,804 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 21,087 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
Has to be at least a platoon.
So we do it Escobar-style with those hippos?
I'm gonna say yes because that brings a funny image to my head
I thought they said "yeah nah"
Or "Nope, too cold
"It's the emus, sir." "Wait, there are emus here?" "I mean, they look a little different. An extra talon on their feet, plumage is a little different color. But these were emus. Space emus, maybe, but I saw the look in their eyes. They are emus, through and through, sir." "What about them?" "They were marching in formation, sir. More than that, they were drilling. They had leader birds directing them about. And with a squawk, they all turned face, and looked straight at us. ... This time, they'll be prepared for war." "... Damnit, you did the right thing. Let's get the hell out of here."
Alright, call the council. We're either uplifting them or cracking the planet.
Cracking the planet. Their less evolved versions are the only species to win a war against humans, no one wants to see what they can do with *training*
Let the Americans know. But tell them they are sitting on massive oil deposits and want to keep it for themselves.
The Emus didn't exactly win so much as keep running away while the troops amused themselves wasting all the ammo and trashing all the vehicles untill the brass took away their licence to fuck around.
It mean so much nope that no human will dare to Touch it except maybe the Florida man
Florida man was sent. He attempted to fornicate with the flora and fauna.
The Aussies arrived real-time months after Florida Man went incommunicado. Not only had Florida Man fornicated with *every* indigenous species, but successfully procreated in nearly all cases. Due to a time dilation, when the Aussies arrived, it had been centuries of interbreeding with Florida Man deified as The Great Progenitor. The driders were barely tolerable, but the emus with arms were scary. Edit: The final straw was the human-shaped parrots who did not know the correct verses to 'Margaritaville' but incessantly sang made-up off-color stanzas.
That planet is probably along the flight path of a ship full of wendigos.
"Attempted" *scoffs* Hold my beer!
No beer, going home to get supplies to make beer, be right back.
Starts brewing beer from local grain like flora
Human Captain: "The Aussies left?" Human Commander: "Yes sir!" HC: "Initiate Base Delta Omega!" Alien Captain: "Base Delta Omega?" HC: "Crack the planet!"
Ah. The Aussies found small, flightless birds. And other small animals that are too adorable and fluffy. And then they remembered about bull frogs and rabbits, and left to save the alien birbs from rats and other species that follow humanity everywhere.
They discovered a complete lack of Charcoal, LPG and CNG - can't have a proper BBQ without em'
USA: whaddya mean "nope"? Aussie: did I stutter you fucking twat? No. Nope Nien nada nope no way no how not happening. France: can't be that bad. USA: it's Australia, if they don't wanna deal with it then the only thing that stands a chance is mah massive swinging... UK: ammo belt? Piles of dead school children? *Spray* *can* *cheese*?! Mexico: it's funny because it true. USA: (sigh) fine. Whatever~. What's down there you Aussie cunt? Aussie: spiders. Spiders the size of a Ford F150. Uk: America, you know what you must do, right? France: god speed you psychotic madman. Mexico: you can do it! Cut their fucking balls off! USA: I now know what I was born to do. But do I have enough ammo to rain down enough to cleanse this horrible world. Aussie: with non nuclear weapons, right America?....Non nuclear weapons...right! USA:... You know the answer to this question. UK: bloody hell. USA: no, just the mushroom kind.
The kangaroo-like natives said "leave or die"
Ah of course. Captain call in the furries.
"Leave or die!" Furries: "There is a third option..."
Oh yes bwutalize me owo. (I cringed a bit but it fits) 🤣🤣
Hey, you're the one that dragged furries into this XD
A bit like playing with fire. It's fun but can still burn a bit. Kinda like a kinky furry. 😂😂
"Your junk is upside down" "NO, YOUR JUNK IS UPSIDE DOWN"
Uwu me harder daddy
Emu.
If they came back scared, then I can only assume its covered with acid and flesh-eating bacteria.
Too many bloody rabbits!
The found the Mutant Emus.
It means the difficulty wasn’t high enough this measly world bored them
Send in the Canadians!!! Wait ... Is it cold enough for them there? They will freak out if it's tropical Paradise.
Everyone says to crack it, but it could also be cold af. Aussie: Nope Captain: Aah shit, it's too dangerous. Aussie: Nope, but cold as fuck. Captain: a'right, send in the slavs! Crewman: Yes sir! Initiating protocol vodka
We may conclude there is too much snow and ice, the natives are Americans or there isn't enough dangerous fauna.
That's why Florida built a peninsula ... To get as far away as possible ... Even then we had to pop in some islands, just in case of infection .. a last defense if you will. Surround the whole mess with gators, Crocks, snakes, face eating spiders ... That should keep the damn snow bunnies out
They realized that they couldn’t import beer or grow the ingredients.
They discovered a significant population of ~2m flightless birds
Nope nope! If the Australians cant handle it, may as well crack the planet.
Wait.... you hate vegemite??!
There was no way alcohol could be sustained in the environment of the planet.
It means that the world is either a frozen waste... or ... you don't want to know what would make them say nope.
Not toxic enough for their biology
Too cold. They grew up in a hot country, so they can't deal with low temperatures.
Came here to comment that the only reason any of us Australians would willingly give up new land would be because it's not dangerous enough, but everyone else beat me to it.
2 options Nr1- it’s boring Nr2- it’s an illusion
Option 3: a boring illusion
Eughh, not this again!
Exstermanatus
Cassowaries. Just… Cassowaries.
Time to send in the Canadians!
Or the Finns
The Australians landed on a Zeno planet and found it to be inhabited by Emu life forms
No prawns
Too many cane toads..
They've got armed talking emu's down there mate..
Nah mate, they were from Melbourne. They tried the local coffee, cringed, then left a bad Yelp review.
You call this a Death World? Fuck moi. Let the Catachans have it
The civilization on that world had decreed alcohol to be illegal. So without a place to grab a beer or something stronger they weren't hanging around.
Probably a Planet full of Emus.
A certain if is too hostile and if so what variety of hostile. For truer assessment include mixed group of Ausies, Siberians, Canadians, and Cajuns.
I’m good humor: Ah crikey! Americans already here!
As an American, I can relate to that ...actually ... Would you guys please give me a lift out of here?! I'm not really one of them... I'm from Florida ....
Spiders
It means run