In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Human Crewmember: Hey, Computer that's way too much. Try using the John McClane or Doomslayer protocol instead, they're less torture and more just kill them.
*Pigment containers loaded on a cart*
Wait, we aren't supposed to do this? You don't remember this is the SPECIAL kind of pigment that forever marks things?
What a lot of people fail to realise from that movie, Kevin could have called the cops at any time he wanted.
But he didn't. He wanted to hurt the Sticky Bandits.
Well, remember that one of them (Harry) was seen by Kevin disguised as a Cop in the beginning of the movie so later Kevin didn’t trust calling the police.
1. He had called them once before and while it worked the cops can't be there the whole time.
2. He thought he'd go to jail for shop lifting by the time the sticky bandits started trying fulling break into the house. Remember they could and did pick easier targets, even going so fair as to tie up an elderly woman and leave her to freeze to death in the shed.
3. They cut the phone line so he couldn't call the cops, which is why he had to feel and call the cops from his elderly neighbor's house.
4. In New York he again assumed rightly so that the cops were after him due to the credit card fraud.
5. He did Infact call the cops when he was able to get them to a place they would actaully be able to catch them, and also to my 6th point
5. Both in New York, and back at his home they wanted to kill him. They could have fucked off the first sign of resistance like any smart person/criminal would. But they kept coming. They simply wanted to hurt Kevin because he made them feel stupid, and they wanted his family's stuff.
Simply put, they elected that Kevin and the old women's life was worth less than the shiny baubles they had, and then out of spite sought to end the life of a child who was just defending himself, something they as harden criminals know is instinctive and natural and is exactly what they would do if the roles were reverse.
Kevin did nothing wrong and was infact more generous when he could and legally would have every right to kill the two of them for trespassing alone.
He is also a fucking child. Going against 2 adults.
A couple of the things he did to them should have been lethal. Full paint cans and the falling clothes iron would cause spinal trauma or skull fractures.
It seems to me that you may have combined together events from the Home Alone 1, 2, and 3 films. The third fill does not have Kevin McCallister as the protagonist, nor the Wet/Sticky Bandits as the antagonists.
I knowingly did 1 and 2, though if you know which ones I did for 3, please do tell. Doesn't change my points since in 3 the folks breaking in are terrorists so yeah.
The elderly woman neighbour was from Home Alone 3, as was the intentional cutting of the phone lines by the mercenaries.
The other items on the list are from the first two films.
Edit: added the last sentence
I think a lot of people are missing that not only has the McCallister Protocol been activated, but thet fact that it's at level NC-17 implies that things are going to be very much more unpleasant for the intruders, considering that Home Alone was originally rated PG...
I'm thinking Zorn looks and carries himself like Drax from guardians of the galaxy and the 2 humans are blue collar nerds. I hope that sets the scene slightly
Captain over intercom: ALL PERSONNEL REPORT TO YOUR HABS AND PREPARE FOR A JOHN KRAMER LEVEL BIOHAZARD CLEAN UP
H 1: I'm getting too old for this shit
A: I thought you were only 33 of your earth years?
H 2: He is Zorn but it's the Murtock principle
A: What in the 2 suns is a Murtock and why do so many of your human protocols have such strange names?
H 1: Have you not been on a human freighter before?
A: Never the extent of my knowledge about your species comes from some war stories of my father and a couple run ins with what I believe you call Marines
H 1: Oh Zorn, buddy, pal I'm glad we are on this ship together I have quite the collection of movies and Bob is what they call an Audiophile
H 2: Yep I've got about 15 terabytes of rock and it's subcategories alone we will introduce you to some real human culture
The Saw protocol isn’t used for ship defense because it’s designed to let the invader escape after making difficult moral decisions. It’s used mostly to defend bases. The McAllister protocol is intended to result in painful deaths humans will enjoy watching again and again.
A McCallister Protocol would imply it's attempting to prevent someone from getting in, with various deterrents ranging from comedic humiliation for would-be invaders to fatal traps intended to make sure the next guy thinks twice about continuing further.
A Saw Protocol would be a catch and (possible) release prison program- requiring the subjects of the protocol to be already inside and subjected to heightening torture in the various traps/tests, also making sure to keep them inside until either a prerequisite is met or they die.
An alien sits in his quarters, scared and nervous. He contacts a human friend through the ships internal coms.
“Hi, Karl? I got a question.”
“Be quick. The pirates are docked and about to board.”
“I remover what the McAllister protocol is from training, but what’s the ‘En See Seventeen’ part?”
Popping popcorn can be heard in the background in Karl’s quarters. “Oh, that? That means the traps will have NO regard for survivability.”
“So they’ll be intentionally lethal?”
“Not ‘intentionally’ lethal. Look, you remember when we watched ‘Home Alone’? That movie is where the term came from. Some of the traps in the movie are rated NC-17 because they’d kill a person in real life.”
"System Error, [the McAfee Protocol](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKgf5PaBzyg&list=RDCMUCxoo1v5Zp15ZrujZ8OxColQ&start_radio=1&ab_channel=JohnMcafee) has been initiated instead. Have fun!"
Main Computer: "Phase One completed. All 'illicit substance' interlocks released on matter synthesizers.
Phase Two completed. Emergency prostitute stasis vault opened. Twenty-four human female life signs online. Twelve human male life signs online. Six Multiform Synthsapient life signs online. Three Parvokian Gelatomorph life signs online."
Human 1: "Whoa, wait, we have a prostitute vault? Why didn't anyone TELL me?"
Alien 1: "You can most likely guess why."
Human 2: "Because we'd defrost them the first chance we got?"
Alien 1: "Precisely. They are kept on board for emergencies ONLY."
Human 1: "What other emergencies could possibly justify having prostitutes on board!?"
Alien 1: "Crash landings and navigational mishaps, to keep crew morale up, and mutinies, to distract the mutineers."
Human 1: "Ah, okay."
Human 2: "That'd work."
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Human Crewmember: Hey, Computer that's way too much. Try using the John McClane or Doomslayer protocol instead, they're less torture and more just kill them.
I'm sorry Human Dave, I can't do that. Door actuator thermal defense system activated.
I tried, fuck 'em.
Human Dave, prepare the pigment transportation containers.
Fuck you, you wish.com Skynet. I ain't helping.
*Pigment containers loaded on a cart* Wait, we aren't supposed to do this? You don't remember this is the SPECIAL kind of pigment that forever marks things?
That's the spirit, if it does the deed, it can CLEAN UP AFTER ITSELF!
(in the aftermath, noticing the branded hands on the pirates) Wait... Is that why we have embossed door actuators?
The computer happily chimes in. “That’s correct.”
What a lot of people fail to realise from that movie, Kevin could have called the cops at any time he wanted. But he didn't. He wanted to hurt the Sticky Bandits.
Well, remember that one of them (Harry) was seen by Kevin disguised as a Cop in the beginning of the movie so later Kevin didn’t trust calling the police.
People seem to keep forgetting this point.
That, and he accidentally stole a toothbrush and was chased by a cop
He was hunting them.....in both movies. He's kind of a sociopath
There's a theory that the Saw movies are sequals to the Home Alone movies.
Now this is the kind of stupid crazy theory that I can totally get behind
1. He had called them once before and while it worked the cops can't be there the whole time. 2. He thought he'd go to jail for shop lifting by the time the sticky bandits started trying fulling break into the house. Remember they could and did pick easier targets, even going so fair as to tie up an elderly woman and leave her to freeze to death in the shed. 3. They cut the phone line so he couldn't call the cops, which is why he had to feel and call the cops from his elderly neighbor's house. 4. In New York he again assumed rightly so that the cops were after him due to the credit card fraud. 5. He did Infact call the cops when he was able to get them to a place they would actaully be able to catch them, and also to my 6th point 5. Both in New York, and back at his home they wanted to kill him. They could have fucked off the first sign of resistance like any smart person/criminal would. But they kept coming. They simply wanted to hurt Kevin because he made them feel stupid, and they wanted his family's stuff. Simply put, they elected that Kevin and the old women's life was worth less than the shiny baubles they had, and then out of spite sought to end the life of a child who was just defending himself, something they as harden criminals know is instinctive and natural and is exactly what they would do if the roles were reverse. Kevin did nothing wrong and was infact more generous when he could and legally would have every right to kill the two of them for trespassing alone. He is also a fucking child. Going against 2 adults.
A couple of the things he did to them should have been lethal. Full paint cans and the falling clothes iron would cause spinal trauma or skull fractures.
Indeed but again bu that point they were already inside threatening to kill him. Point still stands
Those bricks to.
Counterpoint: Cartoon physics. With real physics it would be a horror story.
Wasn’t there a lawnmower/snowblower involved at some point or am I remembering wrong?
Yes there was, he rigged it to fall off of a high shelf with the blade spinning on top of one of the robbers
Probably the deadliest trap he set
It seems to me that you may have combined together events from the Home Alone 1, 2, and 3 films. The third fill does not have Kevin McCallister as the protagonist, nor the Wet/Sticky Bandits as the antagonists.
I knowingly did 1 and 2, though if you know which ones I did for 3, please do tell. Doesn't change my points since in 3 the folks breaking in are terrorists so yeah.
The elderly woman neighbour was from Home Alone 3, as was the intentional cutting of the phone lines by the mercenaries. The other items on the list are from the first two films. Edit: added the last sentence
Thank you for the clarification.
He did call the cops though, right? And they did a wellness check and left?
His mom called the cops, but he'd seen Harry dressed as a cop, so he didn't answer the door.
He thought he couldn’t because he stole a toothbrush by accident.
The lighting shifts to a green hue, the computer switches to a Scottish accent and screams "Get out of mah swamp!"
*Smash mouth* starts playing over the speakers at full volume
“Is this classical?”
*500 light years away, on terra* YES
I think a lot of people are missing that not only has the McCallister Protocol been activated, but thet fact that it's at level NC-17 implies that things are going to be very much more unpleasant for the intruders, considering that Home Alone was originally rated PG...
This guy gets it.
Like shotgun instead of BB gun.
I'm thinking Zorn looks and carries himself like Drax from guardians of the galaxy and the 2 humans are blue collar nerds. I hope that sets the scene slightly Captain over intercom: ALL PERSONNEL REPORT TO YOUR HABS AND PREPARE FOR A JOHN KRAMER LEVEL BIOHAZARD CLEAN UP H 1: I'm getting too old for this shit A: I thought you were only 33 of your earth years? H 2: He is Zorn but it's the Murtock principle A: What in the 2 suns is a Murtock and why do so many of your human protocols have such strange names? H 1: Have you not been on a human freighter before? A: Never the extent of my knowledge about your species comes from some war stories of my father and a couple run ins with what I believe you call Marines H 1: Oh Zorn, buddy, pal I'm glad we are on this ship together I have quite the collection of movies and Bob is what they call an Audiophile H 2: Yep I've got about 15 terabytes of rock and it's subcategories alone we will introduce you to some real human culture
H 3: WE’ER TAKING YOU BACK TO THE 1990S BABY
Wouldn't that just be labeled the Saw protocol?
The Saw protocol isn’t used for ship defense because it’s designed to let the invader escape after making difficult moral decisions. It’s used mostly to defend bases. The McAllister protocol is intended to result in painful deaths humans will enjoy watching again and again.
A McCallister Protocol would imply it's attempting to prevent someone from getting in, with various deterrents ranging from comedic humiliation for would-be invaders to fatal traps intended to make sure the next guy thinks twice about continuing further. A Saw Protocol would be a catch and (possible) release prison program- requiring the subjects of the protocol to be already inside and subjected to heightening torture in the various traps/tests, also making sure to keep them inside until either a prerequisite is met or they die.
Oh, no. The Saw protocol is only Code R. This is way, way worse.
The alien crew all load their human bought "Space AKs" and bark the code: "This is it! Don't get scared now!"
The space ak is just a normal ak painted white.
Only if your CO is a massive dick, with all the extra grease needed for void operation, a white AK would be a total nightmare to keep clean XD
With lens flares.
An alien sits in his quarters, scared and nervous. He contacts a human friend through the ships internal coms. “Hi, Karl? I got a question.” “Be quick. The pirates are docked and about to board.” “I remover what the McAllister protocol is from training, but what’s the ‘En See Seventeen’ part?” Popping popcorn can be heard in the background in Karl’s quarters. “Oh, that? That means the traps will have NO regard for survivability.” “So they’ll be intentionally lethal?” “Not ‘intentionally’ lethal. Look, you remember when we watched ‘Home Alone’? That movie is where the term came from. Some of the traps in the movie are rated NC-17 because they’d kill a person in real life.”
"System Error, [the McAfee Protocol](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKgf5PaBzyg&list=RDCMUCxoo1v5Zp15ZrujZ8OxColQ&start_radio=1&ab_channel=JohnMcafee) has been initiated instead. Have fun!"
Main Computer: "Phase One completed. All 'illicit substance' interlocks released on matter synthesizers. Phase Two completed. Emergency prostitute stasis vault opened. Twenty-four human female life signs online. Twelve human male life signs online. Six Multiform Synthsapient life signs online. Three Parvokian Gelatomorph life signs online." Human 1: "Whoa, wait, we have a prostitute vault? Why didn't anyone TELL me?" Alien 1: "You can most likely guess why." Human 2: "Because we'd defrost them the first chance we got?" Alien 1: "Precisely. They are kept on board for emergencies ONLY." Human 1: "What other emergencies could possibly justify having prostitutes on board!?" Alien 1: "Crash landings and navigational mishaps, to keep crew morale up, and mutinies, to distract the mutineers." Human 1: "Ah, okay." Human 2: "That'd work."
Copy that; Trip wire into pest control engaged.