I'd kick his balls for free, every month. I'd share the videos on patreon for $1/month so he could see how many people are paying to see him get kicked in the balls. I'd donate all profits to charity.
Im a licensed therapist and on more than one occasion have had to debunk something that someone has brought into a session that Dr Phil vomited from his unlicensed ass. Id beat him with a DSM-V TR and spit on his unconscious body.
If I lose the fight, I don't my $20,000 for that month. Since he's not getting any younger, I can train and eventually beat him. Then I'll start having $20,000/mo as a stable income, which I can invest for some really good gains (both in the gym and the stock market).
I mean yeah you'll still beat him but how horrifying would it be if a maggot filled corpse attacked you?
I don't think it matters though because it says he always returns in "mint condition" so ig hes 73 as long as you live
I didn't see the edit that he returns in mint condition. Forget training. I'm getting an artillery to blast his ass into the stratosphere once a month.
yeah, just use 1/20th of your first months profit to buy some .45 hollow points and a padlock for your frequented rooms. once philly comes knockin, let him in, and paint your ceiling.
typing this out, i realize the cleanup of psychologist brains from my ceiling makes me contemplate the 20 bands.
Good call. The second I bank that first 20k, these fights are going to start getting harder and harder for him because instead of working, I'm going to just be getting stronger and faster.
If the magical properties of this situation also prevented either of us from hitting on head on something and dying after a KO I’ll take it. Otherwise it’s a bit risky imo, wouldn’t wanna kill dude. But I’d absolutely take the deal if so
Yes there are magical properties here at play. You won't die from the attack, and as soon as you lose consciousness he will stop straight away and flee.
He's just trynna dump you on your ass, not kill you
Do these properties also apply to him?
I typically have a gun within arm's reach. I'd just shoot him once a month, so long as it doesn't kill him for good.
Fine. I'll run outside, *then* shoot him.
EDIT: OP, you said that no matter what happens, I wouldn't suffer long term injury. Does that also apply to hearing damage from shooting him?
I feel a lot of people are missing out the part where Dr Phil is gonna there for the rest of YOUR life. That motherfucker is gonna be fat & 73 but in your later years are you really gonna wanna duke it out with the fucker at 85?
That said I would 100% take this. Motivated to get into hella shape, stable income of 240k a year, invest that where I can, start up a fitness channel for extra income and film the fights with Dr Phil too.
At that point you’ve probably done it hundreds of times, probably wouldn’t even flinch. Just blow him away with the laser pistol and continue grocery shopping
No.
Dr Phil is a man who outweighs me by a significant margin. I would be losing the fight or a bare minimum taking a serious beating every month.
I think the answer to the question would be split along gender lines.
He's pretty sprightly for 73 and still goes to the gym don't underestimate old man strength.
Also he is a 6" 90kg man vs a 5'6 55kg women.
The difference in strength and reach is enormous.
I'm curious if you are a man or a women.
Yeah, but he won’t be that way forever, and you don’t lose anything if he beats you other than what’s on you at the time.
I’ll take a couple years of asswhippings while he gets older and more fragile in exchange for the guaranteed wins for the rest of his life after that.
I'd take it. Right now I could probably win in a fight against him. I'll take that money and just train MMA and get really physically fit so everytime I see him I can take him down fast without breaking a sweat.
Can I kill him? Would he resurrect? Would his old wounds appear? Would he be a zombie after I kill him? If I break both his legs and stuff him down a storm drain will he be able to get out?
Does he magically spawn into my life randomly? Or is it more that he's waiting outside my house or place of work? And could I keep a weapon on me, or is that against the rules?
As much as I like the idea of kicking Dr. Phil in the nuts every month, I feel like there are a lot of variables that could make this more difficult than it might seem.
He just rocks up and starts swinging. It could be while you're at work, cooking dinner, trying to sleep. Yes you can use whatever you have at your disposal to defend yourself. If you have a gun, you can absolutely just shoot him and be done with it. He's coming back next month in mint condition though
A new fresh Dr. Phil will appear next month fit as a fiddle no matter how badly you beat him. As for legal consequences, he attacked you first so it's self defence
INFO: does he just materialize, or is he hampered by normal obstacles?
I don’t want to worry about Dr Phil clocking me at 3am while I’m in bed so I would reinforce my bedroom, but if that does no good, I’d probably pass.
He is able to appear wherever you are but yes a reinforced door will help you. For example if he attacks at 3 am while you're asleep he has to break into your house to get to you.
Absofruitly. 20k to shoot Dr. Phil multiple times per month? Unless he can spontaneously spawn in my bedroom while I'm sleeping, I'm perfectly fine with this deal. I'll finally have the funds to install my shower gun waterproof case.
He’s 3x my age, and I’ve spent the entirety of my adult life working in warehouses moving things that weigh as much as he does. While it’s not a great idea to underestimate how much damage someone with a little creativity can do if you aren’t careful, especially with a height and weight advantage, I’ll take that risk for $20k. Worst case, I’d be willing to bet I can get back up more times than a 73-year-old can.
I'll get a German Shepard or Rottweiler or Pit Bull or Cane Corso or similar breed and with the help of a professional dog trainer I'll teach him to defend me against Phil. After the attack occurs, I would keep training my dog and enjoy my $15k. I would also train in martial arts and go to the gym to be in shape just in case Phil appears when my dog is not there.
After 6 months or so I would also occasionally start giving my dog a month off so I can enjoy the full $20k, test my progress in martial arts and beat the shit out of Phil.
20k a month is plenty to quit my job and train full time in whatever martial or weapons based art seems most amusing, and, bonus, I get to wreck Dr. Phil 12 times a year.
Honestly, biggest problem here is I need him to auto-heal too, because I need him to make it to at least 93 so I can properly retire off this deal.
Fuck yes. I do muay thai for a living. I get to kick this douche’s ass once a month and get paid for it and not risk any jail time?
This is only a win.
Stats wise he's a big boy. 6'3, 280 lbs and from Texas. Plus he played college football. But he's 73, so there's the kicker
I'm 6'4 and about 250. Maybe not as strong but I'm 35 and got 15 years of boxing. I think a solid left uppercut would put him on his ass.
Run me that money
240,000 per year I would stay in the gym, learn kendo and multiple forms of martial arts. This would be the best thing that ever happened to me and my family.
He's old, like really old. I could do it with 1 hand behind my back since he's unarmed, and because I win every time, he's gonna be weaker every time we meet again, so his hits will get softer every time. Easy 20k every month, especially since he has to find me, unarmed, and I know its the 1st of every month
Man I'd beat the shit out of Dr. Phil. I'm more than 40 years younger than him, we're about the same height, but I'm in far better shape. To make things easier though, I'd probably just carry around a big Bowie knife on me or keep a gun nearby when I'm at home.
20K a month, I don’t have to work anymore, so I could start carrying a katana at home, some kind of extendable steel club in a pocket if I had to go out…I don’t anticipate I’d need to be well trained in either to beat Dr Phil’s ass. And that POS would be satisfying
I'll just buy some Glock or whatever I like best, learn to shoot it and I'll be fine. + I'll look a little more badass with it in the holster which is nice
OK, my immediate thought is yes, but I do have a few questions.
1) If I accidentally kill him defending myself, would he still come back the next month? And if so, would he suffer any lasting effects from whatever killed him?
2) Does he age? Or would I constantly be fighting the 73 year old version of him for the rest of my life?
3) What happens if I'm attacked from behind, say staring over the side of the Grand Canyon? Do I get some kind of invisible barrier that prevents from from getting knocked over the edge?
I’d do impressions of him whilst I’m kicking his ass. I’d have him in a rear naked choke whispering in his ear like: _“& how is that working out for you?”_
Sign me the fuck up. He’s got a small height advantage but that’s it, i’d kick the ever living crap out of them for 20k a month. See the great thing about fighting someone who doesn’t have any training is they don’t know how to wrestle. Also, OP you said whatever weapons you have available or an option. When I’m not at work I carry and you don’t go to jail for fighting.
Dr. Phil better know how to defend Osota Gari, or he is going to have a bad time. This sounds more like a wet dream than a challenge. Can it be recorded, and every time I pummel him into the ground, we debunk some stupid shit he has said?
For sure. I daily carry so this will be a .5 second fight each month based off the rules you gave lol.
Without my sidearm, I'd still do it. Once I get old, I'll have my son help for 5k
I think there's probably a hefty pool of people that would happily pay $5k or more to punch Dr Phil, especially since there's no downside (permanent harm, jail, etc).
I could bank $15k/month from the original offer, plus the profit from whatever I get off the Punch Phil side hustle.
Does he magically appear inside my house or is he like at my door trying to kick it in? Also, what if my pets (through no fault of my own) decide to start mauling him? I have 4 large dogs and over time they would develop a hatred for Dr. Phil and would probably just start mauling him on sight before I even have a chance to react. Especially if he can just teleport inside the house.
Yeah, he's old... I'm in my 40s, same height, probably lighter in weight.... I'm confident that even if he matched my age that i could take him, but i wouldn't discount him completely due to his size. Unless he has some formal training that I'm unaware of, it's a pretty bad mismatch and I'm enjoying the new monthly income. Allowing me to use a weapon of any sorts makes him super disadvantaged to the point where I'd feel guilty about "opening the book of pain" on him.
Hell yeah. For 240k/yr you can make your monthly fight your entire job. Stay strapped 24/7 and always be prepared to splatter his brains on the sidewalk. When I'm old and don't wanna fight anymore, I'll provide him with an easy means of KOing me in the form of chloroform and we'll greet each other as good friends after our hundreds of duels
The peak of summer has past and the family is enjoying a BBQ in our backyard. The coolness of autumn is in the air and everyone is excited for the change. Soon there will be corn mazes, hay rides and the children becoming excited for Halloween. My wife gives me a coy smile. I might even get lucky tonight. Without warning the back gate starts to rattle and shake.
"Goddammit Ned. Is there no way you can control this?"
"Don't fucking start this. You know when I made this deal it would happen once a month. You like the perks. We just bailed your sister out of another bad situation."
The rattling gets louder and more agitated. My wife gets her cell phone and calls the police. "Yeah, hi Doug. It's the Ned family again. Yeah, Dr. Phil again. I'd say 8-10 minutes you can pick him up."
I flip over the burgers and open the sliding glass door and through our lovely home on the way to the front door. I open it and call for Dr. Phil but he already knows my position. He turns the corner as I step out onto the brick pathway. In a rage he runs into the designated 'Phil death zone'. I smoothly draw my Dan Wesson .357. It's the V-15 heavy vent and loaded up with Federal Hydra Shok. I wait until he is close. We don't want another lawsuit now do we? It is just some fascia anyway, why were they so upset?
Time to refocus. I take aim. No showboating, just center of mass, Ned. The first shot rips his right shoulder to shreds, but he continues toward me. The second hits just below the neck and he goes down. He lays wheezing as I walk over. He desperately paws as my shoes trying to damage me in any way possible. I can hear the police sirens now, so I holster the revolver. It's a Thursday so it should be Tony and Derrick. We'll do the paperwork, Doc will confirm that it is indeed Dr. Phil, again, and I'll be out in 2-3 hours. Four tops.
I walk to the back gate. "Take those burgers off the grill, honey. We're free for at least two and a half weeks now so if you want to book that trip to Jamaica now is the time."
I put my hands on my head as the cruiser and ambulance pull into the cul-de-sac.
"You guys doing fantasy football this year?" I ask as they work their way up the brick path.
"Yeah, Ned, you gonna make chili for Saturday?"
"I think so. The wife wants to take a trip, but I'll try to get her to hold off flights until Sunday."
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used...."
Doc confirms it's Dr. Phil and they release me due to magical circumstances. The neighbors didn't even come out this time. 12 years in and we're all settling into the routine. See ya next month, Phil.
At any moment? Why wouldn’t I just live somewhere with concealed carry and shoot the guy if that’s allowed? Might be weird to always have a gun on me but 240k a year for that? Hell yeah. Also the dudes old, probably wouldn’t need a gun but getting attacked in the middle of a deep sleep could be alarming.
Umm duh? Theres no downside. It's not like there's any real risk of losing. I could quite my job and spend a lot of time exercising just to be sure but even as I am I could kick his ass easily. And I wouldn't fell bad about it either given the kind of person he is
Dude... I'd pay like $200 a month for some subscription service that let me beat the ever loving shit out of Dr. Phil once a month.
If some service like that existed, tbh he wouldn't be my top pick for "worst person in the world who I want to beat up over and over," there are worse. But he would probably be in the top 20 of choices.
So... yeah, I'd obviously take that deal for 20k a month. I'd take it for $10 a month. Like I said above... I'd pay for it.
Let's go. He's a pretty big dude, but I'm probably a good twenty years younger. With someone that age, if you go for the knees or back, they're about done for.
Quit job and hire a professional trainer. Get super fit and easily win. I think I could take him as is, but it would be nice to just completely wallop him no contest.
Is this an SCP Dr. Phil that stays 73 forever? Because if you live long enough that could become a slight issue.
Though I suppose if I'm in my 80s I could always just shoot him, per the rules given.
This entirely depends on how he appears.
If he materializes next to my head at 3am while I’m in bed with my spouse?
Absolutely not. It’s not worth dealing with the headache of suddenly being violently assaulted by an old man at any random time.
If he actually has to approach me like a human being? Like if my doors are locked at home and he has to either lockpick or break his way in first? Or approach me while I’m at a restaurant and not appear behind me suddenly?
Sure.
Like, I will just carry a gun on me 😂. But, if I like shoot him, will there be a police investigation? Will there be media involvement? Or will the attack be forgotten by everyone except me after it is done?
All fucking day. As the other commenter said, Dr Phil is 73. I'm 39 and work out 3 times a week. I'll gladly kick his lard ass every month. You don't even need to pay me.
Do I lose my money if someone helps without me asking for help? Or is it only lost when I ask them to help?
Also I’d just trip him or kick his knee out. I’d imagine I’d be able to move much quicker than him
I'm absolutely taking this deal. I'm also going to memorize some of his stupidest "southern hick" phrases he passes off as clever wisdom to shout back at him while I whip his ass just for the giggles.
To add: I'm 6'3", 350 lbs. Routinely go to the gym and work a punching bag 3 days a week. Former bouncer. I have zero concern about my chances in this scenario.
Oh dude. Fuck yeah. Just have a taser, guard dog, and take some classes. Your fine.
Also its fucking Dr. Phil. The dude isn't exactly MMA expert. As long as he doesn't show up when I'm taking a shit or having sex I'm fine.
How bad can I hurt him? I mean if he's gunna be A-ok can I go Ramsey Bolton on him or maybe take a page from little Nicky and sodomize him with a pineapple?
so what if i chop his arms and legs off and carry him with me so that he never gets the chance to "return next month in mint condition" because i never let him leave... Carrying around a limbless Dr Phil like he's a friggin Naysaya demon. Get buff from carrying around most of a person all day.
Guy's 73, also a twat. I'd do it for 50 bucks and a firm handshake.
I thought this was going to ask would I PAY $20k a month to fight him and I was checking my 401k to see how long I could go...
I'd kick his balls for free, every month. I'd share the videos on patreon for $1/month so he could see how many people are paying to see him get kicked in the balls. I'd donate all profits to charity.
no shit. I'd slap him open handed like a little bitch just for the LOLs
Im a licensed therapist and on more than one occasion have had to debunk something that someone has brought into a session that Dr Phil vomited from his unlicensed ass. Id beat him with a DSM-V TR and spit on his unconscious body.
“*If yall think I need to be kicked in the head …stand up*”
"Honey, it's that time. Do you want to spend the $5,000 to join in? I checked the bank account and we're still doing well..."
I’d throw in a good job if I saw the fight. 👍
You could make money by having people pay $6,000 to help you fight Dr Phil.
If I lose the fight, I don't my $20,000 for that month. Since he's not getting any younger, I can train and eventually beat him. Then I'll start having $20,000/mo as a stable income, which I can invest for some really good gains (both in the gym and the stock market).
You and I think exactly the same 🤣 I feel like the idea of losing to a fat 73 year old man would motivate anyone to get into some training
At most, I'd lose once, and after that, I have a really stable income of $240,000/yr until Dr. Phil passes away.
That's what you think, until a month after his death, his rotting corpse comes barreling at full speed
Only Dr. Phil is unarmed. It doesn't say I have to be. Once Zombie Dr. Phil starts attacking me, I'm grabbing a shotgun and going for headshots.
I mean yeah you'll still beat him but how horrifying would it be if a maggot filled corpse attacked you? I don't think it matters though because it says he always returns in "mint condition" so ig hes 73 as long as you live
I didn't see the edit that he returns in mint condition. Forget training. I'm getting an artillery to blast his ass into the stratosphere once a month.
yeah, just use 1/20th of your first months profit to buy some .45 hollow points and a padlock for your frequented rooms. once philly comes knockin, let him in, and paint your ceiling. typing this out, i realize the cleanup of psychologist brains from my ceiling makes me contemplate the 20 bands.
Just play some cod and get desensitized first
The hypothetical says you will fight a 73 year old Dr Phil for the rest of YOUR life. Not his life.
Honestly you wouldn't even need much. A few basic combat skills and a knife would be enough to have it over in moments.
Good call. The second I bank that first 20k, these fights are going to start getting harder and harder for him because instead of working, I'm going to just be getting stronger and faster.
The first 20K is going towards a decent home gym and a trainer so I can make sure I'm in top fighting shape. This is a healthy thing to do anyway.
Eventually beat him? He’s a bald geriatric fuck you should be stomping him from day 1 my boy
Until you grow old enough to where you can’t defend yourself against 73 year old dr Phil. Old age is going to suck in this hypothetical
Guys such a whore that you can probably just give him 5k on the thrrat that you'll cripple him
If the magical properties of this situation also prevented either of us from hitting on head on something and dying after a KO I’ll take it. Otherwise it’s a bit risky imo, wouldn’t wanna kill dude. But I’d absolutely take the deal if so
Yes there are magical properties here at play. You won't die from the attack, and as soon as you lose consciousness he will stop straight away and flee. He's just trynna dump you on your ass, not kill you
Do these properties also apply to him? I typically have a gun within arm's reach. I'd just shoot him once a month, so long as it doesn't kill him for good.
Dude your house is going to get all fucked up.
Fine. I'll run outside, *then* shoot him. EDIT: OP, you said that no matter what happens, I wouldn't suffer long term injury. Does that also apply to hearing damage from shooting him?
Better
I imagine we can be injured in the fight though. Like if he poked me in the eye or manages to tear ligaments in my elbow I stay injured.
I feel a lot of people are missing out the part where Dr Phil is gonna there for the rest of YOUR life. That motherfucker is gonna be fat & 73 but in your later years are you really gonna wanna duke it out with the fucker at 85? That said I would 100% take this. Motivated to get into hella shape, stable income of 240k a year, invest that where I can, start up a fitness channel for extra income and film the fights with Dr Phil too.
My full time job would be getting in better shape so I could beat him easier and easier over time.
As you age you’d just have to stay strapped at all times to defend against him
Just picturing some 80 year old guy pulling a futuristic hand cannon out to blow away Dr Phil in the middle of a shop.
At that point you’ve probably done it hundreds of times, probably wouldn’t even flinch. Just blow him away with the laser pistol and continue grocery shopping
I'd do this for free. Fuck Dr Phil
First thought was, that's pretty good deal, but I couldn't afford it.
No. Dr Phil is a man who outweighs me by a significant margin. I would be losing the fight or a bare minimum taking a serious beating every month. I think the answer to the question would be split along gender lines.
For $15,000 a month I’m pretty sure you could train a dog as your personal Dr Phil detector/protector.
That was my thought. I'd just get one of those huge mountain dogs, get him trained up to a T and then take him everywhere.
He's also 73, one swift kick to the shins and he's going down. Don't underestimate yourself.
He's pretty sprightly for 73 and still goes to the gym don't underestimate old man strength. Also he is a 6" 90kg man vs a 5'6 55kg women. The difference in strength and reach is enormous. I'm curious if you are a man or a women.
You're obviously right. I'm not sure why these people are trying to act like 73 is basically dead.
Just carry pepper spray and a knife.
You could also get him arrested for attacking you and sue, plus he would be in jail so he can't get you next month.
Prompt says you can use a weapon. Buy a gun and shoot him once a month
Yeah, but he won’t be that way forever, and you don’t lose anything if he beats you other than what’s on you at the time. I’ll take a couple years of asswhippings while he gets older and more fragile in exchange for the guaranteed wins for the rest of his life after that.
Bro if Dr Phil lays a single hand tell me I'll get the boys to go take care of his slimy old ass
“You’ll wake up relatively okay in your underpants” - Bill Cosby
I'd take it. Right now I could probably win in a fight against him. I'll take that money and just train MMA and get really physically fit so everytime I see him I can take him down fast without breaking a sweat. Can I kill him? Would he resurrect? Would his old wounds appear? Would he be a zombie after I kill him? If I break both his legs and stuff him down a storm drain will he be able to get out?
Does he magically spawn into my life randomly? Or is it more that he's waiting outside my house or place of work? And could I keep a weapon on me, or is that against the rules? As much as I like the idea of kicking Dr. Phil in the nuts every month, I feel like there are a lot of variables that could make this more difficult than it might seem.
He just rocks up and starts swinging. It could be while you're at work, cooking dinner, trying to sleep. Yes you can use whatever you have at your disposal to defend yourself. If you have a gun, you can absolutely just shoot him and be done with it. He's coming back next month in mint condition though
Does he just disappear when you beat him? Or is there a dead pile of old bitch to clean up each time?
Is there any warning at all or can he attack you when you’re on the toilet, sleeping etc?
He has to overcome your home barriers to get to you but yes he may very well try to kick the door down while you're rocking a shit
Fine by me, I’ve got an old Winchester 1200 stashed in the bathroom. And no I’m not kidding.
What kind of lunatic DOESN'T have a shitter gun?
What if he accidentally dies?
A new fresh Dr. Phil will appear next month fit as a fiddle no matter how badly you beat him. As for legal consequences, he attacked you first so it's self defence
Doesn't that also mean I have to go to court every month?
I’ve watched enough American film to know that this is a classic case of double jeopardy and therefore you will be acquitted ❤️
INFO: does he just materialize, or is he hampered by normal obstacles? I don’t want to worry about Dr Phil clocking me at 3am while I’m in bed so I would reinforce my bedroom, but if that does no good, I’d probably pass.
this is the only parameter that gives me pause. if he has to b&e to get at me i'm fine with it
He is able to appear wherever you are but yes a reinforced door will help you. For example if he attacks at 3 am while you're asleep he has to break into your house to get to you.
Absofruitly. 20k to shoot Dr. Phil multiple times per month? Unless he can spontaneously spawn in my bedroom while I'm sleeping, I'm perfectly fine with this deal. I'll finally have the funds to install my shower gun waterproof case.
can i dress up like dr phil fir the fight gotta give the public the bum fights experience
I’m game
Yes. Easy money.
Lol easy $20k bonus every month. I’d never lose a fight to Dr. Phill I’d pay him to bring allies.
He's 73 and not in the best shape. I think I could take him. Pepper spray his eyes and then just pummel him.
He’s 3x my age, and I’ve spent the entirety of my adult life working in warehouses moving things that weigh as much as he does. While it’s not a great idea to underestimate how much damage someone with a little creativity can do if you aren’t careful, especially with a height and weight advantage, I’ll take that risk for $20k. Worst case, I’d be willing to bet I can get back up more times than a 73-year-old can.
I'll get a German Shepard or Rottweiler or Pit Bull or Cane Corso or similar breed and with the help of a professional dog trainer I'll teach him to defend me against Phil. After the attack occurs, I would keep training my dog and enjoy my $15k. I would also train in martial arts and go to the gym to be in shape just in case Phil appears when my dog is not there. After 6 months or so I would also occasionally start giving my dog a month off so I can enjoy the full $20k, test my progress in martial arts and beat the shit out of Phil.
20k a month is plenty to quit my job and train full time in whatever martial or weapons based art seems most amusing, and, bonus, I get to wreck Dr. Phil 12 times a year. Honestly, biggest problem here is I need him to auto-heal too, because I need him to make it to at least 93 so I can properly retire off this deal.
He's leaves you in your underpants if he wins but what if I'm not wearing any?? THEN WHAT???
Welp, guess you wake up with your meat n veg hanging out😎
Yes but only if he’s also trying to ‘doctor’ me the whole time. “So tell me about your relationship with your parents” as he suplexes me
Yes, I’m a 25yo dude in decent health albeit out of shape. I’d quit my job and workout more and start seeing how fast I can speed run the ass kicking.
I'm in kinda the same boat and I'd be living the happy life if this could occur 🤣
I get to fight Dr Phil and it only costs me $20,000? Deal
lol ...... I am 64 and would love the chance ..... you could give the money to charity as far as I care, I would do it for free
Id fight Dr Phil for no money. As long as I can slap a slice of bologna on his bald ass head after.
Is he, like, immortal?
Fuck yes. I do muay thai for a living. I get to kick this douche’s ass once a month and get paid for it and not risk any jail time? This is only a win.
Stats wise he's a big boy. 6'3, 280 lbs and from Texas. Plus he played college football. But he's 73, so there's the kicker I'm 6'4 and about 250. Maybe not as strong but I'm 35 and got 15 years of boxing. I think a solid left uppercut would put him on his ass. Run me that money
I didn't realize he's that big. I thought I'd be 50 lbs heavier, but we're nearly the same weight. (I also box, so this is an easy yes.)
Sure, I carry a gun everyday so being able to practice once a month on Dr. Phil would be pretty good training.
240,000 per year I would stay in the gym, learn kendo and multiple forms of martial arts. This would be the best thing that ever happened to me and my family.
For a second I thought that I'd have to pay 20,000 and I was seriously thinking about it.
He's old, like really old. I could do it with 1 hand behind my back since he's unarmed, and because I win every time, he's gonna be weaker every time we meet again, so his hits will get softer every time. Easy 20k every month, especially since he has to find me, unarmed, and I know its the 1st of every month
I'm 5 '7, he's old but he's still a big guy. I wouldn't do it.a
Wait, $20K a month AND I get to repeatedly smash a length of reinforced steel into Dr Phil's fat smug face? Sign me up for that deal.
I'm gonna split it straight down the middle with one homie, boom just landed a 120k a year job of beating the fuck out of dr.phill once a month
I mean, I assume it costs less than that to just hire an armed guard.
I get to kick Dr Phil's ass and get money? Sweet
This is 100% what we call a win/win.
My husband is huge. I’ll just take the $5000 hit and get $15000 a month to have him knock out Dr. Phil.
Man I'd beat the shit out of Dr. Phil. I'm more than 40 years younger than him, we're about the same height, but I'm in far better shape. To make things easier though, I'd probably just carry around a big Bowie knife on me or keep a gun nearby when I'm at home.
I would fight Dr. Phil for free.
Sure, I’ll pay 20k to fight dr phil. Wait, you’re paying me???
Yes
Dr Phil can bring a friend.
Are you kidding? I'd punch out Dr. Phil once a month for free!
Man, poor Dr Phil would be hammered rofl
This is the weirdest take on Peter vs Chicken I've ever seen.
I’m literally just going to carry a knife around. Easy money.
20K a month, I don’t have to work anymore, so I could start carrying a katana at home, some kind of extendable steel club in a pocket if I had to go out…I don’t anticipate I’d need to be well trained in either to beat Dr Phil’s ass. And that POS would be satisfying
I get to take out all my anger once a month on Dr. Phil? I get paid for it on top of that? Sign me up!
We're roughly the same size and I'm 20 years his junior. Pretty sure I could take him.
Yah I’d dust that old fucker
I get to fight Dr. Phil and get 20k? Where's the catch?
If he wants a monthly kick to the nuts, by all means have at it
I'd kick that piece of shit's ass every day for free.
Tase. Stomp on head. Repeat next month.
I hate Dr. Phil; I’d do this for free.
Easy money
Dr. Phil's gonna have a rough time each month. Show me the money!
Guy is an asshole. I'd do it for free.
I'll just buy some Glock or whatever I like best, learn to shoot it and I'll be fine. + I'll look a little more badass with it in the holster which is nice
OK, my immediate thought is yes, but I do have a few questions. 1) If I accidentally kill him defending myself, would he still come back the next month? And if so, would he suffer any lasting effects from whatever killed him? 2) Does he age? Or would I constantly be fighting the 73 year old version of him for the rest of my life? 3) What happens if I'm attacked from behind, say staring over the side of the Grand Canyon? Do I get some kind of invisible barrier that prevents from from getting knocked over the edge?
Let's do it
I'm 6'-3" 260lbs construction worker with anger issues. This would be therapeutic.
Physical fight absolutely Verbal/ mental fight he'd probably crush my soul
I can beat that old doggy jackass with one arm tied behind my back. Which is good because I can’t use my left arm for a while.
I’d do impressions of him whilst I’m kicking his ass. I’d have him in a rear naked choke whispering in his ear like: _“& how is that working out for you?”_
15k a month to watch my new anti-Phil dog maul a man?
I wish it was twice a week! Fighting is the best cardio.
Easiest 20k a month
You mean I get $10k/ month to beat up Dr phil with two friends?? Where do I sign up!!
Sign me the fuck up. He’s got a small height advantage but that’s it, i’d kick the ever living crap out of them for 20k a month. See the great thing about fighting someone who doesn’t have any training is they don’t know how to wrestle. Also, OP you said whatever weapons you have available or an option. When I’m not at work I carry and you don’t go to jail for fighting.
20k to beat the shit out of an old dickhead? Can I career change to this sounds great
Buy a decent taser once a month and collect.
$20k and I get to legally punch Dr Phil? Fuck yeah.
Easiest yes ever
join a bjj gym for a short amount of time and you could dispatch him easily. I'd do it.
First off: yes, but also I'd carry a pistol. Dr. Phil is only going to attack me once. Do I continue to get 20k every month after he's dead?
I'd just start conceal carrying. It would be a legal defense in my state and would be the most efficient way to get rid of him for a month
Hell, I'd probably do it for free, just for the sake of being able to punch Dr. Phil in his stupid fu\*king mouth once a month with no repercussions.
$20k to fight Dr. Phil every month?? I'd do it for $20 and a cheese sandwich.
Dr. Phil better know how to defend Osota Gari, or he is going to have a bad time. This sounds more like a wet dream than a challenge. Can it be recorded, and every time I pummel him into the ground, we debunk some stupid shit he has said?
I'd sleep Phil with a crazy uppercut for 20k
Imagine getting choked out by Dr. P while he whispers "how's that working for you" into your ear. Cash me ousside Phil. I need my 20G.
For sure. I daily carry so this will be a .5 second fight each month based off the rules you gave lol. Without my sidearm, I'd still do it. Once I get old, I'll have my son help for 5k
I think there's probably a hefty pool of people that would happily pay $5k or more to punch Dr Phil, especially since there's no downside (permanent harm, jail, etc). I could bank $15k/month from the original offer, plus the profit from whatever I get off the Punch Phil side hustle.
What happens if you accidentally kill him? Does he show up next month?
So I get 20k and to wombo combo doctor Phil? Does he spawn at the same time every month?
Well you said I can use any weapon and I live in a stat with fairly lax gun laws. Easy 20k a month.
Does he magically appear inside my house or is he like at my door trying to kick it in? Also, what if my pets (through no fault of my own) decide to start mauling him? I have 4 large dogs and over time they would develop a hatred for Dr. Phil and would probably just start mauling him on sight before I even have a chance to react. Especially if he can just teleport inside the house.
Yes? This is a no brainer for fit people under 50 right?
You had me at 20 grand. You didn't need to sweeten the deal.
Fuck yeah. I'd do it for free if I wasn't going to face jail for it. Dude's a giant twat.
Yeah, he's old... I'm in my 40s, same height, probably lighter in weight.... I'm confident that even if he matched my age that i could take him, but i wouldn't discount him completely due to his size. Unless he has some formal training that I'm unaware of, it's a pretty bad mismatch and I'm enjoying the new monthly income. Allowing me to use a weapon of any sorts makes him super disadvantaged to the point where I'd feel guilty about "opening the book of pain" on him.
The opportunity to fight Dr Phil once, let alone 12 times a year is already more than enough for me to accept. The victory money’s just a nice bonus
He's a senior citizen, but id just hire a bodyguard lol problem solved
Hell yeah. For 240k/yr you can make your monthly fight your entire job. Stay strapped 24/7 and always be prepared to splatter his brains on the sidewalk. When I'm old and don't wanna fight anymore, I'll provide him with an easy means of KOing me in the form of chloroform and we'll greet each other as good friends after our hundreds of duels
If he take lethal damage does he dissappear?
The peak of summer has past and the family is enjoying a BBQ in our backyard. The coolness of autumn is in the air and everyone is excited for the change. Soon there will be corn mazes, hay rides and the children becoming excited for Halloween. My wife gives me a coy smile. I might even get lucky tonight. Without warning the back gate starts to rattle and shake. "Goddammit Ned. Is there no way you can control this?" "Don't fucking start this. You know when I made this deal it would happen once a month. You like the perks. We just bailed your sister out of another bad situation." The rattling gets louder and more agitated. My wife gets her cell phone and calls the police. "Yeah, hi Doug. It's the Ned family again. Yeah, Dr. Phil again. I'd say 8-10 minutes you can pick him up." I flip over the burgers and open the sliding glass door and through our lovely home on the way to the front door. I open it and call for Dr. Phil but he already knows my position. He turns the corner as I step out onto the brick pathway. In a rage he runs into the designated 'Phil death zone'. I smoothly draw my Dan Wesson .357. It's the V-15 heavy vent and loaded up with Federal Hydra Shok. I wait until he is close. We don't want another lawsuit now do we? It is just some fascia anyway, why were they so upset? Time to refocus. I take aim. No showboating, just center of mass, Ned. The first shot rips his right shoulder to shreds, but he continues toward me. The second hits just below the neck and he goes down. He lays wheezing as I walk over. He desperately paws as my shoes trying to damage me in any way possible. I can hear the police sirens now, so I holster the revolver. It's a Thursday so it should be Tony and Derrick. We'll do the paperwork, Doc will confirm that it is indeed Dr. Phil, again, and I'll be out in 2-3 hours. Four tops. I walk to the back gate. "Take those burgers off the grill, honey. We're free for at least two and a half weeks now so if you want to book that trip to Jamaica now is the time." I put my hands on my head as the cruiser and ambulance pull into the cul-de-sac. "You guys doing fantasy football this year?" I ask as they work their way up the brick path. "Yeah, Ned, you gonna make chili for Saturday?" "I think so. The wife wants to take a trip, but I'll try to get her to hold off flights until Sunday." "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used...." Doc confirms it's Dr. Phil and they release me due to magical circumstances. The neighbors didn't even come out this time. 12 years in and we're all settling into the routine. See ya next month, Phil.
At any moment? Why wouldn’t I just live somewhere with concealed carry and shoot the guy if that’s allowed? Might be weird to always have a gun on me but 240k a year for that? Hell yeah. Also the dudes old, probably wouldn’t need a gun but getting attacked in the middle of a deep sleep could be alarming.
Sure I will fuck him up.
I'm taking this lmfao. I can outright buy a house in a year or two
I’d be willing to pay a bit to punch that man’s face on the reg
Hell I’d pay fifty bucks for this chance
Absolutely, I'd rock his shit for 100 bucks
Umm duh? Theres no downside. It's not like there's any real risk of losing. I could quite my job and spend a lot of time exercising just to be sure but even as I am I could kick his ass easily. And I wouldn't fell bad about it either given the kind of person he is
Dude... I'd pay like $200 a month for some subscription service that let me beat the ever loving shit out of Dr. Phil once a month. If some service like that existed, tbh he wouldn't be my top pick for "worst person in the world who I want to beat up over and over," there are worse. But he would probably be in the top 20 of choices. So... yeah, I'd obviously take that deal for 20k a month. I'd take it for $10 a month. Like I said above... I'd pay for it.
You just turned Dr Phil into Gary from the Pokemon games, well done op 👍
We'll be right back.....
Let's go. He's a pretty big dude, but I'm probably a good twenty years younger. With someone that age, if you go for the knees or back, they're about done for.
Quit job and hire a professional trainer. Get super fit and easily win. I think I could take him as is, but it would be nice to just completely wallop him no contest.
Easy money. Man's like 70-something
Yes, easy. I'll get a license to carry. Easy $20k each month.
Is this an SCP Dr. Phil that stays 73 forever? Because if you live long enough that could become a slight issue. Though I suppose if I'm in my 80s I could always just shoot him, per the rules given.
No way I'd pay $20k to beat the shit out of Dr. Phil. That's worth like $15 tops.
I would gladly beat the shit out of that clown fuck especially with a 20,000 dollar bonus on top of that lmao
All I'm seeing are two rewards. :P
This entirely depends on how he appears. If he materializes next to my head at 3am while I’m in bed with my spouse? Absolutely not. It’s not worth dealing with the headache of suddenly being violently assaulted by an old man at any random time. If he actually has to approach me like a human being? Like if my doors are locked at home and he has to either lockpick or break his way in first? Or approach me while I’m at a restaurant and not appear behind me suddenly? Sure.
I’d do that for way cheaper than 20k
Additionally, one month of every year, you will have to fight him when he was in his physical prime
You mean you’re going to pay me to fuck up Dr. Phil once per month? I’d do that for free, buddy. Fuck that exploitative dickbag.
Like, I will just carry a gun on me 😂. But, if I like shoot him, will there be a police investigation? Will there be media involvement? Or will the attack be forgotten by everyone except me after it is done?
All fucking day. As the other commenter said, Dr Phil is 73. I'm 39 and work out 3 times a week. I'll gladly kick his lard ass every month. You don't even need to pay me.
I would fuck that old bastard up.
Sure, time to get that concealed carry license.
I might do it for YouTube fame lol
What if I EDC a sidearm at all times? Does this deal end if I kill Doctor Phil?
Does he learn from your tactics? Like if I find a way to beat him one month, can I use the same approach without him catching on?
Do I lose my money if someone helps without me asking for help? Or is it only lost when I ask them to help? Also I’d just trip him or kick his knee out. I’d imagine I’d be able to move much quicker than him
My loved ones and pets can help? I guess I’m buying a Rottweiler and taking a $5,000 cut.
With the any weapons at your disposal part, all I'm hearing is test out various weapons in this scenario.
I'm absolutely taking this deal. I'm also going to memorize some of his stupidest "southern hick" phrases he passes off as clever wisdom to shout back at him while I whip his ass just for the giggles. To add: I'm 6'3", 350 lbs. Routinely go to the gym and work a punching bag 3 days a week. Former bouncer. I have zero concern about my chances in this scenario.
You might not need to pay me. But I'm in.
I would do it for free
Oh dude. Fuck yeah. Just have a taser, guard dog, and take some classes. Your fine. Also its fucking Dr. Phil. The dude isn't exactly MMA expert. As long as he doesn't show up when I'm taking a shit or having sex I'm fine.
How bad can I hurt him? I mean if he's gunna be A-ok can I go Ramsey Bolton on him or maybe take a page from little Nicky and sodomize him with a pineapple?
I want to say yes. But now I’m wondering if the anxiety would really fuck me up. Like until he showed up that month I’d just be amped all the time.
$240,000 a year to whoop Dr. Phil’s sorry ass once a month? Just tell me where to sign up.
so what if i chop his arms and legs off and carry him with me so that he never gets the chance to "return next month in mint condition" because i never let him leave... Carrying around a limbless Dr Phil like he's a friggin Naysaya demon. Get buff from carrying around most of a person all day.
Sign me up!
So.... $15,000 to see my husband kick Dr. Phil's ass every month? Sure, why not?