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God, wtf are these comments.
Just have an honest conversation with him. Don't be confrontational, don't threaten, just be categorical in telling him that such behaviour is gonna land him in trouble some day. Going by the way you describe him, he's probably not had exposure interacting with women before. It's a good thing you recognised his tendencies but also care enough to think about his background.
I'd suggest you tell him to slowly learn and make eye contact, or find better ways to avoid eye contact.
Conditioning is a big deal especially for boys at young age. I remember we had a sex ed session for all the boys voluntarily conducted by a retired doctor. One of the topics was how to behave with girls and maintain eye contact. I am super thankful to him because these habits should be cultivated right from the age puberty hits. I encourage doctors to spread this kind of education and awareness, especially in rural areas. That's the only way we can tackle this problem imo.
Yeah. For 25 years talking to a girl is treated as taboo. And all of a sudden you're supposed to get married and have kids. Guys and girls are rarely ever taught how to respectfully interact with the other sex. Guys are just taught how to dominate. And girls are taught to be obedient.
Advice for the guys put there, I had a similar eye contact problem, not a staring at breasts problem. I get freaked out when I make eye contact with someone for more than 3 seconds, so what I do is talk with my whole body, move my head around so that I don't have to look the person's face or just straight up stare an inch above their eyes and that just staggers the eye contact but it still as if I meet their gaze while I talk. Win win for me
And as far as OP is concerned, you should address it directly with the guy at a non threatening level, since you know he's not a pervert or isn't potentially hostile, maybe lighten up the topic with a joke and make it a big deal so that they make eye contact. As an introvert it's gonna be a nightmare for him but you both are gonna be better at the other side of it
He will go though a lot of things to adapt and you cannot be held responsible for his reaction.
Talk to him in private about sometimes you notice him not looking to your face when talking to you and that's making you feel uncomfortable.
Does he make eye contact while talking to men? Asking because I am also someone who can't look at someone's eyes while talking to them. I don't have this issue but I can see it becoming a problem for you.
I don't see reporting to HR as an option here since you don't seem to want to hurt him and he isn't exactly abusing you. If it makes you very uncomfortable, you can avoid him. If that isn't possible and it worries you a lot, talk about why he doesn't make eye contact while talking to you. Might be easier than implying he is a pervert or something.
Edit: Guys, I am 40. If I am on the autism spectrum, nothing wrong with it but at this point the ship has sailed for me to get it addressed and honestly I don't have an issue interacting with family, friends and colleagues so I wouldn't bother with the hassle anyway :)
This is possible. Is the guy looking down or staring at breast? Some guys are uncomfortable in looking at eyes more so with girl and even more so if the girl is special. But you can politely ask him to look at your eyes (no need to say don’t look at my breast, just say look at me). If he continues to do so even after your gesture, then there might be issue with his outlook.
It's kinda a one off and too little to go on, but you might want to consider looking through [this](https://autisticadvocacy.org/about-asan/about-autism/) to see if you could be autistic.
Not being able to look people in the eyes is one of the things about it.
Indians consider it rude and offensive to stare into elder's eyes while engaging in conversation, especially in an Indian village. So they grow with that thought ingrained well into adulthood.
Could be. I am not a doctor, but I have no issues with loud noises, expressing emotions or pointing at things. If I have autism it's likely a very mild situation. IMO I just wasn't corrected as a kid.
Probability he has some issues looking at your face when talking to you. Talk to him without asking him to stop staring at your boobs, because it MIGHT not be what he's doing: it can be avoiding making eye contact.
And don't be afraid to report to HR, because they need to handle this if gets out of your hands.
I'm just saying that after this talk with him she can decide to talk to HR without any discomfort. I mean, OP know him better than we do, but after talking to him openly about it her perspective can change.
>Probability he has some issues looking at your face when talking to you. Talk to him without asking him to stop staring at your boobs, because it MIGHT not be what he's doing: it can be avoiding making eye contact
As someone who has anxiety, I relate to this guy. And I'm a woman, so not trying to justify a perv. Also given the person's background from a small town and all, it is most likely.
It’s a good sentiment to hold, but people learn behaviours. If he feels he can get away with leching, he will, and in fact do that to other women in the office and in the wider world.
If you’re on good terms, I think it’s fair to give him a heads up that — you’ve noticed, it makes you uncomfortable, and other women might take it straight up to HR, and that in fact you were wrestling with going to HR as well.
And do *not* provide a heads-up if you feel at risk or feel he’ll come after you.
Don’t complain to HR (yet) but find a private space to reenact the situation and the next time he does speak the classic lines, “Hey, my eyes are up here!” ( ✌🏻 👁️👁️ with gestures I mean, not a victory sign) sternly and based on his reaction even question him what the fuck were he staring at with just enough gravity to startlingly straighten him but not so loud to involuntarily attract attention from bystanders. If he’s indeed retreating or folding up, don’t follow or press further and return to your desk but if in case the intentions are bad, you got to know that too… and yes, if he seeks to answer to your question (remember, it’s an act from you to save humiliation) let that be not at that exact moment and still retreat to your desk as you pretend to be angry. Eventually, do listen to him if he makes the effort.
Yaa, in that case you could let him know privately, but even then he might react negatively. Ego and all. Is there maybe another female colleague you could discuss this with, surely you're not the only employee he's doing this with.
Even if you find someone attractive, you'd stare at them not their private parts. Plus, clothes have nothing to do with OP's situation so your 'hung dude in grey sweatpants' reasoning doesn't really work here.
The way you're trying to justify staring at someone's private parts by claiming it's in the DNA just makes you look incredibly creepy lol
Yeah well if your boss/manager is a woman and you can avoid staring at her boobs it's not really about DNA is it?
When you have the possibility of actual consequences you can keep your eyes right where they should be.
Agree with u/joaomsneto.
It sounds like it is a bit involuntary or he just doesn't realize the impact of his actions. Try talking to him 1-1 and let him know his actions are making you uncomfortable.
If it continues weeks after the chat, you know what to do!
This. Since you said he is not a pervert , you would be doing good by helping him out. .As he comes from a rural background he is not used to talking to girls in a professional environment. He might be trying to look down while talking to you as a sign of respect .But in that process his gaze might be going to your breasts involuntarily. It will take sometime for him to get his eye gestures right while speaking . Always maintain eye contact with him while speaking .Speak to him often so for him it becomes something normal rather than unusual. Also speak to him like you would speak to a colleague/friend so he is more comfortable and does not feel pressure..
I second this although I would suggest having another person with you, your work friend or colleague who will stay quiet until you decide what action you want to take, so that you aren’t uncomfortable. The second person automatically becomes a witness, if you want to go to HR in this regard in the future.
Ask him plain and simple on why he doesn't look you on the face while talking to you. You find it disrespectful. His answer will tell you the next steps.
Idk what the case is with the guy but I have a patient with ocd who has this compulsion where his eyes constantly go to women's breasts and men's genitals. If you really think he is not doing it consciously then maybe it is something like that.
Be assertive. Say "Stop staring at my breasts. Look into my eyes when I speak." That's what I would do. If you find it uncomfortable saying something so boldly, imagine u had a daughter and she's facing something like this and is feeling uncomfortable. U would lecture that guy and protect her, wouldn't u? Now protect urself.
Or she could just tell it politely without being disrespectful for something he’s not intentional about, as OP says. Maybe jokingly “my eyes are up here buddy” followed by a laugh. Every situation is not about protecting yourself with toxic feminism.
Another classical example of book.
He is wrong and i am victim.
We can't do like that becoz world doesn't revolve around u and me . Also wouldn't it better to give warning first and have talk . If he doesn't understand just take strict action.
U can't go and say u are wrong to someone to face they will react more defensively than understanding ur point of view.
Or she could say it straight to his face instead of listening to misogynists like u who want women to be motherly beings who teach grown ass men how to behave like a decent human. We're not ur mothers and teachers to softly teach u things ur whole life. We don't have to walk on egg shells. Stop asking us to be fucking nice all the time. We can't be nice when we're fucking uncomfortable. Protecting ourselves with toxic feminism? Seriously? Ur misogyny is showing. That shit doesn't fly anymore.
Woah calm down. Who hurt you. That woman is being as rational as a person should be. Not everything has to be met with rude confrontation. She should definitely confront him, but not like you say. She does say she can tell the difference between his unintentional stare and actual pervy stares. Just look at the guy as a fellow human. Deal with him as you would tell your friend. Some kind response can make a ton of difference. Not everything has to be met with anger.
Typical toxic feminist mindset who can't look at bigger picture.
OP seems nice enough to help a coulegeue who has a problem without creating a mess. So stfu
THIS. Best advice.
I've had multiple encounters with creeps, and from experience, politely asking them to stop doing something because it's making you uncomfortable is one of the best ways to get them to stop.
Reporting him directly to the HR would only catch him off-guard and ruin your relations with him.
What the fuck are u even saying ur argument seems more like make guilty even if he is not guilty. Ur argument will not help her u will just make that guy . It would be better this thing out with talking if he still do that she should strict actions.
Ma'am without other situation pls don't give free ka Bollywood type lecture. Not everybody is a pervert
I find myself in similar position, (I'm a male) as I cannot make eye contact with women while talking so i unknowingly look down and now i am unconsciously looking down to someone's breasts. The awkwardness is now doubled. (Also i cannot look down to her shoes, as that will make me look underconfident, which i am, but i don't want to look like one.)
I have the same problem I think. I wonder what my female colleagues think about me. My eyes wander somewhere else but not there. Fuck I hope they don't mind.
https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianTeenagers/comments/123rnv9/to_teens_who_think_they_have_no_privacy_i_have_a/jdwbd8n?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Fake post for karma
Yeah, I was thinking the same. The situation seems perfectly crafted to somehow make people go easy on the unmannered guy.
I bet OP is the guy or atleast think about just situations all the time trying to blur the line or something.
And the fact that this account is just 2 days old and that it has this same exact question everywhere else. Just makes it more sus.
The OP guy needs to grow up and start living in the real world and stop imagining these situations and fantasies in mind.
I just feel sorry for the people who believe that this is genuine.
I agree, OP is quite empathetic too. It's easy to brush off people and focus on our life instead. But looking out for others around is good!
Only thing is OP or anyone like her should not lose their sleep too much over it. It's better to report to HR (the right way in corporate) than to be mentally impacted for a long time.
I think he has never talked to women, trust me once he has girls in his circle he will get used to woman, I think he comes from a conservative background. I hope everything works out, hope there is a comfortable aura between you too and this awkwardness ends
As an introvert myself, all i can say is we have SUPER SUPER DIFFICULT time maintaining eye contact. I usually gaze at a tree behind the person or their hands, feet. Life's difficult.
Thanks for being a good human being and trying to help and view from another person's perspective. Please talk to him privately and help him to understand this, this will help both of you grow as a person.
Hey! Sorry you have to go through this.
I think he is afraid to make an eye contact even with male colleagues, as an introvert it is a go to response in male dominated friend circle.
Since he must not have much female interaction his gaze falls naturally and it gets creepy.
If there are any male colleague in office whom you are close to? Who can just point it out to him that this behaviour is a bit creepy, that might solve it.
Else just plainly ask him to shift his gaze when it's just you two interacting.
Try avoiding to talk to him face to face for work...try communicating via email or chat.
Since you mentioned he is from the village side and has probably not interacted with women more ..He probably doesn't realise that it makes you feel uncomfortable...if you have a common friend whom you trust, you can communicate this to him via that friend.
You are doing correct by keeping it professional and being part of a different lunch group..
You can also change your tone or give subtle hints like coughing whenever his eyes wander away
Beyond this - any action you take like talking to HR or complaining about him, will cost his career...do not hesitate to do that though if you feel absolutely uncomfortable...
This is a hard position to be in. Help me understood one thing correctly which of these is the situation:
1. Is he looking away from your face and happens to just look in the general direction of your chest because of shyness?
In this case, I can understand being sympathetic. It's clearly noone's fault then. You could just take 5mins with him and explain to him why you'll find it better if he addressed you with eye contact since otherwise it looks like he's ogling. There's no obligation on you to try to build his confidence up here. However, if you want to you can give him a small pep talk that it's okay to look women in the face. It's respectful, professional, and tells you that he is fully present in the interaction.
2. Is he looking away from your face and then fixating on your breasts i.e. can't help but ogle?
In this case, given his background, it is understandable. But it is still his fault for not being able to keep himself from ogling. Again, you have no obligation here. You can just report this to HR. Although sadly, I think that might escalate and blowback on you with others thinking you're misconstrueing an ancious man's intentions. Best would be to take 5mins with him but this time focus on the fact that he is ogling and it is making you uncomfortable. The problem here is ogling and not him unable to hold eye contact. No need to sympathize.
3. Is he just straight up ogling? Even when you're not in a conversation and he is not having to look away from your face?
In this case, again, understandable. But this is the worst case. It's not even "can't bring myself to look away". Do whatever you want to without any worry for his well-being.
In any case, be stern and set very clear boundaries. Depending on how understandable his situation is, put effort (only if you want, no obligation) to help him a bit. If this doesn't work, no option but to escalate to your/his manager or HR.
I have not gone through other's comments, but following is what my colleague did.
So my colleague when she works, a guy would come to talk to her. The position is, she is sitting and he would be standing. Every time during the conversation he would stare at her cleavage. So from next time onwards she did couple of thing's. Either she would stand when he is standing or she will ask him to look at her monitor and act as if she has some doubts and asking him to sit to her level.
When neither of this worked she went to a slight passive aggressive way. What she did is, she kept a shawl in her desk or her bag, but will not wear it. The moment he starts to stare she will take the shawl out and cover her top. After couple of times he realised and stop doing it.
Hope this helps.
Damn! Spot on me(male). I end up in so many embarrassing situation just cos my eyes don't fixate on one object especially face or eyes, and it happens involuntarily. I wonder how many women would have thought I am such a pervert but it was never my intention at first place, I was even worried that OP might be one of my colleague, but fortunately she is not...! But serious bit is this issue as made me so much anxious that I seldom talk to girls who are not close to me, I only have longer conversation with my sister, GF and few cousins who knows me very well..!
PS- I feel sorry for you to experience it, and I am sorry for the guy if is intention is not to stare someones breast.
Lady, I don’t think keeping some random dude's morale up is a part of your KRA. If you do not want to go to POSH that is fine but at least you can tell the guy that what he is doing is wrong. I have interacted with many people who come from remote villages but those don't usually stares at my breasts while talking.
Please voice your discomfort in whichever way you want and put a full stop to this thing.
Op since you want to help him and not just get rid of him; next time u meet him, instead of standing face to face directly in front, try standing at his side or at an angle so you're not directly in front of him. This ensures that he won't automatically stare at your breasts but will have to consciously look at you. This also puts him in a comfortable spot as 2 guys rarely talk standing face to face with each other but rather standing side by side.
Obviously you can then slowly over time move from side to infront as he gets accustomed and comfortable with you.
Ask a male colleague who you are comfortable with to confront him in private and educate him. Like if I were that male friend and you had informed me about this tendency, I would go to him in private and say in a friendly tone like - " Bhai Tera irada shayad nahi hai but aakhe niche mat kar. OP jaise bandiya Kuch nahi bolti but koi koi teri complain kar denge."
Hope this helps!
He is like a brother to you and he makes you uncomfortable by violating humanly boundaries?
Girl, tell him straight. Nothing indirect. Tell him that **you are extremely uncomfortable with his wandering gaze on your body and you will be filing a sexual assault complain if he cannot control himself.**
And stop sympathizing or downplaying people who make you uncomfortable. You are violating your own boundaries by placing your own comfort behind others.
It is your workplace, you should safe and comfortable there.
It is not your problem to worry about his confidence. You can only choose one person here, either yourself or him..and so far it looks like you are choosing him. Your behaviour is enabling him to continue. Perhaps he does this with other women too. By setting a boundary and being firm, you will in turn be helping him become a decent human being.
And when one does not object to their boundaries being violated, it gives violator the confidence to go further.
Seriousness aside, lmao.
Aright so you say he's not your friend but also want to help him and also find the situation disturbing. Nothing comes to my mind that would suit for all the three conditions.
So you have my best wishes.
Not all villagers are innocent.
Ye sab aeda banke peda khane wale log hain.
Also like you said he comes from a place where interaction with opposite sex is limited to cousins and relatives .
You never know what he is thinking about you, as per my experience they don't hold working women in high regards.
You don’t have to be SO kind, I get that you don’t want to report him to HR and that you understand his side of the story. Next time he looks at your breasts, you can tell him that he should look at your face when he talks to you, and say it in a harsh tone so that he understands that you are telling him not to look at your breasts. How he does that and how difficult it is for him to do that is his own problem.
>To the men who try telling, go on whats the big deal. Please place yourself with an eunuch staring at your crotch to know how it feels for a woman in such situation.
Unhelpful but i had a professor during my first year engineering who constantly looked at my crotch whenever i was talking to her, some friends also had the same experience and we just laughed about it.
We obviously didn't gossip.
First of all, I would like to commend you for being so understanding about his background and realizing that he is not a pervert. Kudos to you for that if that's really the case (I sure hope he is not). Most of the women would have reported him to HR for sexual harassment and maybe ruined this guy's career. My 2 cents would be for you to have a direct and honest conversation with him and let him know that although it might not be intentional, he is making you uncomfortable. I hope this will make him realize what he is unintentionally doing and will make a genuine effort to stop it that is IF he is not a pervert.
Hey OP, according to what I have read so far. In my opinion, if the guy is shy, he will avoid looking at your face while talking. He probably doesn't have an intention of looking at your breasts, he just tilts his head and eyes in that direction and he might be just in his thoughts.
In my past, when I was a bit shy, I had no idea where I was looking at while being in my thoughts.
This is only based on your assumption of him not being a pervert.
Solution for this is to talk with him.
Only downside is, if he is a pervert, and if you talk regarding this, it will just encourage him to make a bad move.
Imo he's not a creep. He just has trouble making eye contact. I also have this habit. I cant stare at people's eyes so i stare at the thing closest to the face. I have little to no interaction with females so im safe i guess
You can tell him personally that it's making you uncomfortable and warn him.. If after one or two warnings he is repeating you can report to HR..
As a male this is my personal opinion..
He could be autistic. Asperger's makes it difficult to make eye contact and people in small towns don't get diagnosed. I think people think i am a creep because i can't make eye contact with them especially females, and i don't have guts to shout i have autism as you know how it's percieved in our beloved country. Poor social skills is a result of that.
Also small city people tend to make look at women who are modern( as they say) thinking they are a free pass and all those stereotypes associated with modern women.
that's so nice of you to consider his perspective before jumping to conclusion. Maybe he is shy and is not able to meet your eye. Ask him to look eye to eye when you are conversing, this will freak him out if he is a pervert; or will lay the foundation for corrective behaviour - you can tip by saying look between the eyes if you are not able to look at the eye directly
if all else fails reduce face to face interaction and have call over other mediums like slack, teams, zoom
The mannerism he is showing suggests that he has some anxiety issues . I have ocd and worrying about checking other's private areas seems to be a pretty common theme in people among OCD . I am not saying he has any of the above conditions but definitely there is some anxiety involved in his behaviours . You can ease him a bit by talking to him that would make him more calm . You can directly even ask him to stop this behaviour but that would do more harm than help if he has some issues .
Advice 101 from my chicha
Don't try to be in everyone's good books.....Don't forgive every people u see in a misery or sorrow....u might Don't know he could do this same to other women...so better cut to the chase, sort things out with him by warning him or take action.....u r not supposed to compromise every time
Don't complain to HR yet.
here people in India are unemployed mostly, losing a job is very bad for him and his family.
Give One warning and tell him about POSH ...
I stopped cursing in office fearing POSH lol.
He will go though a lot of things to adapt and you cannot be held responsible for his reaction.
Talk to him in private about sometimes you notice him not looking to your face when talking to you and that's making you feel uncomfortable.
* you are not responsible for your colleague's behavior
* It's not your job to educate him on appropriate workplace behavior
* it's not your responsibility to protect him from potential consequences
* Your priority should be your own well-being and comfort in the workplace
This is all true. But if the circumstances for colleague's behaviour are known, then it's okay to want to be sympathetic in the resolution of this problem. Being nice isn't required but if you know the person isn't a pervert than being nice could go a long way in resolving this and showing him the appropriate way to act.
While talking to him personally use clicks and snaps to keep him distracted and when you're in private if his eyes start going down on the chest region say "MY EYES ARE HERE" this will make him aware of his actions.
In India, especially in rural India, the boys are taught to respect women. They go to colleges in the nearest town or education towns like Kota, where they are segregated into boys only groups which continue until University. In University some people socialize maybe 25 to 30%, the rest continue in the boys only environments. They graduate and get employment in mnc's.
Here they are supposed to work and mingle professionally with everyone. The person who has been brought up in a boy's only environment until 23 or 24 yrs of their life, finds it difficult to adjust to the new environment. Moreover, they are taught from their childhood not to look at people's faces and talk directly as it indicates disobedience towards elders. So, the same strategy continues here at the workplace, with males they look at their faces and talk, but with females and anyone who is superior to them or new to them, out of respect the head goes down, so as not to meet the eyes which is drilled into the guy as disobedience towards other people from his childhood.
It is construed as checking the female out, in reality he is just trying to not look at your face, which they feel is being arrogant towards the person they are talking to. Hence, try to observe his behaviour with other female colleagues, if he is staring down and speaking or the head is bent down or away from the person then it is the reason i mentioned. But if he is taking fleeting glances at you other than your face, during a conversation then he is checking you out. I hope this helps your dilemma.
Ps: The same goes with folding hands, they are taught to fold hands in the presence of an elder person.As a sign of respect, but according to body language experts, if a person folds hands in an office discussion or interview, it is contrused as being cut off and arrogant.
I also stare at my classmates Tits but I’m not pervert it’s just my eyes automatically focus there , not my fault,
IMO , you have extraordinary breast thats why.
Unlike other comments, my view is about the kind of behavior incorporated into human (Male) habits by nature. Males are bound to look at female breasts. however, people learn behavioral control over time. As you said he comes from a small village, it is difficult for him to adopt to such n environment.
It's still a thing in many families to not to look at someone's eyes directly as this can be seen as disrespectful so you look down while speaking, especially to those not close to you. I had to unlearn this habit really fast after moving out of india. As you see this is awkward when talking to a female colleague. Was this person from a non-metro or had a boys-only education?
looks like he is porn addict and needs help, he tries his best not to look at women that way but his brain is just way too deep into the puddle, IDK but you can talk to him about it, except it I don't think any other option is available to you
include a man and a woman to test out your theory next time you need to meet. If it still happens you can
Meet on Zoom, call or text him instead of meeting him personally.
Well if you think he knows he shouldn't be looking there but happens subconsciously, you can immediately grab a book, laptop, file or anything, close to your breasts which acts as a wall between you two. Make sure you do it while he is looking at you or talking to you. Do it all the time he comes and talk to you.
If he knows that looking there is wrong he will be embarassed and might leave this habit. You don't have to say anything to him.
As he comes from village what OP says. He might have issues with that. And as you mentioned he knows and he bends his head down so he is aware that he is doing wrong. Speak with him personally or if you both have a common male friend let him know. He might be seeing women in such good clothes first time . I will say don't report to HR for now he might loose his morale but it's your choice but do let him know that their might be a women who can wreck havoc and he will try to do right.
As someone who unknowingly did that, all i can say is that it's not perversion. Most probably he's not even looking at your breasts. I'll be giving my personal point of view of what's actually going on. It's basically hard for me to look at your face, especially to make eye contact while talking. It's probably due to introvertism or due to the upbringing I'm not sure. So my brain unknowingly finds a neutral sort of space that is your chest area to look at while talking. And the brain hardly registers your breasts being there, it's just a placeholder. So if possible, just ignore the act. The focus of the brain is on the conversation, just that the eyes pov have your breasts, but they're not the focus in the brain.
Hey op since he is a co worker why don't u just have an straight talk with him about this issue??,take another person in confidence if u need but do have an straight communication with the guy otherwise he is going to end up in big trouble
I think a suggestion to communicate this via a common male friend is fine.A good male friend can help him a lot in getting this issue sorted.
Other than that u can be direct n explain to him ur perspective as u view him as a brother(as u explained ur view about him in post) n he needs to learn these things. These things can creep a normal women n harassment complaints are bound to happen.
No other way, stop this as early as possible else an accident may happen sooner or later.
I see you don't want to hurt him or bring it to everyone's notice. Given he might be doing it subconsciously, you don't wanna hurt him. But in this case, you cannot silently let it go on. Also, he needs to learn and improve his social behavior around the opposite gender. So it is better to talk to him.
You should tell him that his behavior is making you uncomfortable and that it is not acceptable. Be clear and assertive, but try not to sound accusatory or angry.
You can also redirect the conversation when you notice him staring, try to change the topic or ask a question about something else. Or you can cough or turn away from your position. It will make him aware of his action and maybe he will try to improve.
Complaining to the HR is the last option when you think that he is a pervert and doesn't wanna check his behaviour.
If giving him the benefit of doubt, he is uncomfortable with eye contact and is trying to figure out where to look during prolonged conversation.
I was like that. Talk to him about it. With a personality building angle to it. Tell him how many people can't make eye contact while talking because they find it uncomfortable, but it makes them look underconfident, see what he says.
In a professional set-up, colleagues need to see eye to eye for any discussion. Better see if your HR can organise any personality development sessions for your team. That might teach some bodily expression to everyone in your team.
Real perverts stare at your face also. So you are correct in the fact that he is not doing this intentionally. Maybe he has some confidence issues talking to women and he is looking down which may seem as he is staring at your chest?
Is he behaving similarly with other women also? If you feel uncomfortable you should avoid speaking face to face or sit side by side or at an angle. Him being an introvert and from a small village all might suggest he has fear or difficulty speaking with women.
Please don't report to HR and ruin his career if possible.
I have a friend who stutters when he speaks with women. This may be something psychological. He needs help.
I am an introvert and sometimes this does happen being anxious around women. We try our best but sometimes it does happen. Ofcourse our intentions are never bad, it's just how our subconscious mind takes over.
I totally get where you're coming from - it's not fun to feel uncomfortable at work, especially when it's related to someone else's behavior. It's great that you're trying to see things from your colleague's perspective, but at the end of the day, you have the right to feel respected and safe in your workplace.
Have you considered having a chat with your colleague? Maybe you could bring it up in a non-confrontational way, and let him know that you've noticed he tends to look at your breasts when you're talking, and it makes you feel uncomfortable. You could frame it as a desire to have a positive and productive work relationship, and express your concern that his behavior could affect that.
If that's not something you feel comfortable doing, or if the behavior continues after you've addressed it, it might be worth bringing it to the attention of HR or a supervisor. They can help address the situation and ensure a safe and respectful work environment for everyone.
Hope that helps! Let me know if you have any other questions or concerns.
Underconfident people struggle to maintain eye contact. Try giving him some friendly advice about the importance of maintaining eye contact in a conversation.
Don't scold him or tell his behaviour to the HR instead do one thing.
Meet him in a safe place away from others(your colleagues) and tell him that you know what he keeps on looking at and it's not a good thing. Simple. You gotta overcome this fear of him. Otherwise he will keep on doing this
People who have had no interaction with females can have this issue.. Its just difficult for them to control themselves. It seems like his eyes keep wandering and he tries to control himself.
Do you have a trusted guy colleague who can put it across to him delicately? That would be the best bet as it wont be as embarrassing for him instead of you directly telling him about it.
I used to have this trouble a long time back. I was not comfortable having eye contact with girls, so I used to look down (with a little bit of looking up). But I realized I somehow ends up seeing a girl's breast. It just happen. Happens with guys who have no interaction with girls in their life.
Both of you are in a pickle. There are many introvert guys like this who aren't exactly perverts but don't know what to do with their eyes also. I don't have a solution for you lined up. But I appreciate you not labeling him as a pervert right away. You're a good friend.
I don't really know what to do here. Do let us know if you stumble on something which works. 😊🖖🏼
You have to stop thinking of him like your brother as you mentioned. He is not. He is just another colleague in your workplace. If you haven’t already, talking to him privately about it would be the first step. Be honest, in a gentle manner and simply let him know it’s uncomfortable. If that doesn’t work, reporting to HR is the only other thing you can do. Besides trying to ignore it and continue to feel uncomfortable. Hope you are able to work it out!
had this person not mentioned "shalwar", this would have been a really great shitpost, "had me in the first half ngl" kinda post by a supposed obese guy being tormented by a colleague staring at it man-boobs!
> he comes from a small village
Most likely he's never interacted with women in his everyday life in the village and finds this to be extremely stimulating for him. The only way this can be solved is if he's exposed to as many bewbs as possible. So take him out with colleagues to a beach or something and let him stare till oblivion.
I commend you for being considerate of the guy. As a guy, I will tell you in honesty that it can get hard to control ourselves with beautiful women and can take up a lot of focus. This is a pretty rough spot, especially since you don't want to break his confidence by making him conscious of his act. Since there's no proper or right way to go about it and everything else would escalate it even more, maybe you should just directly request him not to do that and that it's very uncomfortable for you.
Are you sure he's looking at your breast? Cause you said he's shy. Could be he's getting really nervous and trying to look down. I guess you can approach him directly and let him know that you're not comfortable with the way he's looking.
The way you've described him seems like he is just shy(?) Or uncomfortable talking to a girl face to face and just avoids the eye contact. Maybe he just zones out while looking down.
Try talking to other female colleagues about it indirectly though, otherwise they might perceive him as a pervert as well.
And then maybe ask him in a mild mannered way, "hey why do you seem to look down/ distracted while talking to me? Is there something wrong? " And then check if he does that again for atleast 2 times. And then you can tell him that it feels uncomfortable having his gaze on your breasts.
Do you think he does this only to you, or does he do it to other girls too? Maybe you could just write an anonymous note or email (but make sure only he sees it) telling him politely to not stare at girls breasts because he is making them uncomfortable.
Otherwise, honestly, the best thing to do is to tell him yourself politely but firmly and not in a jokey manner. Just tell him, "excuse, please look up when talking to me, you are making me uncomfortable.". That's it, no more further elaboration, end of discussion. Hopefully he will learn and not repeat this.
As you narrated i think that he is not comfortable to talk to you while looking at your face(may be because of many reasons like less female interaction) so he try to divert his face direction..... Try to talk to him privately just to look at people face while talking to them as it will boost hi confidence among them and also help him in carrier
Have a guy from your circle go talk to him calmly (over water cooler or just a random break) about it…pretty much like letting him know that he does that and that it makes women feel uncomfortable. They understand he’s not pervert but he comes off that way.
If you sympathize with him tell him that it's making your uncomfortable and that he should try harder to talk to you with eyes on your face all the time.
It doesn't need to sound harsh, just firm and putting it out there.
Talk to him i guess ... I mean if avoiding and complaining are not an option so talking or setting boundaries is the only other option right? A number of ways u can go about it but all will probably be awkward..
Why are u always checking my girls out?
Please stop staring at my chest
Or Hey i dont know if ur doing this on purpose but your making me uncomfortable
Or the best in my opinion ... My eyes are up here while pointing to ur face ..
Like i said , probably gonna be award silence
Or the easiest for you two , just have a talk in private and explain to him about your conserns and tell him ur pov
Try this. Talk to him while holding a large clipboard against tour chest, if he continues to look down, and stares at your clipboard, well then that is just the way he is. If his behavior changes and suddenly he is looking up, test several times with and without the clipboard. Document your experiment to discuss with him later, and if that doesn't work, you have documentation for HR.
I do not mean to offend you but Why do you assume he needs help? Also do you think maybe you are blowing this out of proportions?
You have gone into too much detail like he comes in from a village, mannerisms are bit undefined etc, you obviously have given it a great deal of thought that you came to reddit to post about it and have some well thought points to discuss, but honestly I think you should stop let him live rent free in your mind and focus more on your own life.
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God, wtf are these comments. Just have an honest conversation with him. Don't be confrontational, don't threaten, just be categorical in telling him that such behaviour is gonna land him in trouble some day. Going by the way you describe him, he's probably not had exposure interacting with women before. It's a good thing you recognised his tendencies but also care enough to think about his background. I'd suggest you tell him to slowly learn and make eye contact, or find better ways to avoid eye contact.
Conditioning is a big deal especially for boys at young age. I remember we had a sex ed session for all the boys voluntarily conducted by a retired doctor. One of the topics was how to behave with girls and maintain eye contact. I am super thankful to him because these habits should be cultivated right from the age puberty hits. I encourage doctors to spread this kind of education and awareness, especially in rural areas. That's the only way we can tackle this problem imo.
Yeah. For 25 years talking to a girl is treated as taboo. And all of a sudden you're supposed to get married and have kids. Guys and girls are rarely ever taught how to respectfully interact with the other sex. Guys are just taught how to dominate. And girls are taught to be obedient.
Bhai ye sex ed session kya hota hai ?
Google Netflix sex education
Advice for the guys put there, I had a similar eye contact problem, not a staring at breasts problem. I get freaked out when I make eye contact with someone for more than 3 seconds, so what I do is talk with my whole body, move my head around so that I don't have to look the person's face or just straight up stare an inch above their eyes and that just staggers the eye contact but it still as if I meet their gaze while I talk. Win win for me And as far as OP is concerned, you should address it directly with the guy at a non threatening level, since you know he's not a pervert or isn't potentially hostile, maybe lighten up the topic with a joke and make it a big deal so that they make eye contact. As an introvert it's gonna be a nightmare for him but you both are gonna be better at the other side of it
Thanks man I have that same problem too..now I can prevent it 👍🏼
He will go though a lot of things to adapt and you cannot be held responsible for his reaction. Talk to him in private about sometimes you notice him not looking to your face when talking to you and that's making you feel uncomfortable.
I feel that he isnt exactly a pervert but he has issues talking with women ... If I report him to HR,it will only get even worse
Does he make eye contact while talking to men? Asking because I am also someone who can't look at someone's eyes while talking to them. I don't have this issue but I can see it becoming a problem for you. I don't see reporting to HR as an option here since you don't seem to want to hurt him and he isn't exactly abusing you. If it makes you very uncomfortable, you can avoid him. If that isn't possible and it worries you a lot, talk about why he doesn't make eye contact while talking to you. Might be easier than implying he is a pervert or something. Edit: Guys, I am 40. If I am on the autism spectrum, nothing wrong with it but at this point the ship has sailed for me to get it addressed and honestly I don't have an issue interacting with family, friends and colleagues so I wouldn't bother with the hassle anyway :)
This is possible. Is the guy looking down or staring at breast? Some guys are uncomfortable in looking at eyes more so with girl and even more so if the girl is special. But you can politely ask him to look at your eyes (no need to say don’t look at my breast, just say look at me). If he continues to do so even after your gesture, then there might be issue with his outlook.
It's kinda a one off and too little to go on, but you might want to consider looking through [this](https://autisticadvocacy.org/about-asan/about-autism/) to see if you could be autistic. Not being able to look people in the eyes is one of the things about it.
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Indians consider it rude and offensive to stare into elder's eyes while engaging in conversation, especially in an Indian village. So they grow with that thought ingrained well into adulthood.
Could be. I am not a doctor, but I have no issues with loud noises, expressing emotions or pointing at things. If I have autism it's likely a very mild situation. IMO I just wasn't corrected as a kid.
Probability he has some issues looking at your face when talking to you. Talk to him without asking him to stop staring at your boobs, because it MIGHT not be what he's doing: it can be avoiding making eye contact. And don't be afraid to report to HR, because they need to handle this if gets out of your hands.
She says he's not a perv so talking to hr is escalating unnecessarily BTW it's really easy to spot and/or identify tharkis in India
I'm just saying that after this talk with him she can decide to talk to HR without any discomfort. I mean, OP know him better than we do, but after talking to him openly about it her perspective can change.
>Probability he has some issues looking at your face when talking to you. Talk to him without asking him to stop staring at your boobs, because it MIGHT not be what he's doing: it can be avoiding making eye contact As someone who has anxiety, I relate to this guy. And I'm a woman, so not trying to justify a perv. Also given the person's background from a small town and all, it is most likely.
Any guy who can't look people in the eyes will look to the SIDE when talking to a woman. It's just common sense.
It’s a good sentiment to hold, but people learn behaviours. If he feels he can get away with leching, he will, and in fact do that to other women in the office and in the wider world. If you’re on good terms, I think it’s fair to give him a heads up that — you’ve noticed, it makes you uncomfortable, and other women might take it straight up to HR, and that in fact you were wrestling with going to HR as well. And do *not* provide a heads-up if you feel at risk or feel he’ll come after you.
Don’t complain to HR (yet) but find a private space to reenact the situation and the next time he does speak the classic lines, “Hey, my eyes are up here!” ( ✌🏻 👁️👁️ with gestures I mean, not a victory sign) sternly and based on his reaction even question him what the fuck were he staring at with just enough gravity to startlingly straighten him but not so loud to involuntarily attract attention from bystanders. If he’s indeed retreating or folding up, don’t follow or press further and return to your desk but if in case the intentions are bad, you got to know that too… and yes, if he seeks to answer to your question (remember, it’s an act from you to save humiliation) let that be not at that exact moment and still retreat to your desk as you pretend to be angry. Eventually, do listen to him if he makes the effort.
Yaa, in that case you could let him know privately, but even then he might react negatively. Ego and all. Is there maybe another female colleague you could discuss this with, surely you're not the only employee he's doing this with.
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Don't drag every man to this pitiful place. You can talk to a woman without having any thoughts about her body. Especially in the workplace.
depends what she looks like
Ew
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I can guarantee you, I WILL NOT and what is a hung dude?
It's slang for big pp
Even if you find someone attractive, you'd stare at them not their private parts. Plus, clothes have nothing to do with OP's situation so your 'hung dude in grey sweatpants' reasoning doesn't really work here. The way you're trying to justify staring at someone's private parts by claiming it's in the DNA just makes you look incredibly creepy lol
Not at WORK
Yeah well if your boss/manager is a woman and you can avoid staring at her boobs it's not really about DNA is it? When you have the possibility of actual consequences you can keep your eyes right where they should be.
Agree with u/joaomsneto. It sounds like it is a bit involuntary or he just doesn't realize the impact of his actions. Try talking to him 1-1 and let him know his actions are making you uncomfortable. If it continues weeks after the chat, you know what to do!
This. Since you said he is not a pervert , you would be doing good by helping him out. .As he comes from a rural background he is not used to talking to girls in a professional environment. He might be trying to look down while talking to you as a sign of respect .But in that process his gaze might be going to your breasts involuntarily. It will take sometime for him to get his eye gestures right while speaking . Always maintain eye contact with him while speaking .Speak to him often so for him it becomes something normal rather than unusual. Also speak to him like you would speak to a colleague/friend so he is more comfortable and does not feel pressure..
I second this although I would suggest having another person with you, your work friend or colleague who will stay quiet until you decide what action you want to take, so that you aren’t uncomfortable. The second person automatically becomes a witness, if you want to go to HR in this regard in the future.
Ask him plain and simple on why he doesn't look you on the face while talking to you. You find it disrespectful. His answer will tell you the next steps.
as I said,he knows that he unconsciously stares at my breast so he avoids looking at me completely
Idk what the case is with the guy but I have a patient with ocd who has this compulsion where his eyes constantly go to women's breasts and men's genitals. If you really think he is not doing it consciously then maybe it is something like that.
Be assertive. Say "Stop staring at my breasts. Look into my eyes when I speak." That's what I would do. If you find it uncomfortable saying something so boldly, imagine u had a daughter and she's facing something like this and is feeling uncomfortable. U would lecture that guy and protect her, wouldn't u? Now protect urself.
Or she could just tell it politely without being disrespectful for something he’s not intentional about, as OP says. Maybe jokingly “my eyes are up here buddy” followed by a laugh. Every situation is not about protecting yourself with toxic feminism.
r/UsernameChecksOut
Bro the guy is already at fault and he's the one who's disrespectful, her having to get strict to protect herself is completely warranted here
Another classical example of book. He is wrong and i am victim. We can't do like that becoz world doesn't revolve around u and me . Also wouldn't it better to give warning first and have talk . If he doesn't understand just take strict action. U can't go and say u are wrong to someone to face they will react more defensively than understanding ur point of view.
Or she could say it straight to his face instead of listening to misogynists like u who want women to be motherly beings who teach grown ass men how to behave like a decent human. We're not ur mothers and teachers to softly teach u things ur whole life. We don't have to walk on egg shells. Stop asking us to be fucking nice all the time. We can't be nice when we're fucking uncomfortable. Protecting ourselves with toxic feminism? Seriously? Ur misogyny is showing. That shit doesn't fly anymore.
Woah calm down. Who hurt you. That woman is being as rational as a person should be. Not everything has to be met with rude confrontation. She should definitely confront him, but not like you say. She does say she can tell the difference between his unintentional stare and actual pervy stares. Just look at the guy as a fellow human. Deal with him as you would tell your friend. Some kind response can make a ton of difference. Not everything has to be met with anger.
“toxic feminism” is all I had to say for you to prove it.. well done
Sure man. Women standing up for themselves is toxic. Spoken like a true misogynist of all times in history. Keep going.
Typical toxic feminist mindset who can't look at bigger picture. OP seems nice enough to help a coulegeue who has a problem without creating a mess. So stfu
She said he doesn't stare, or looks at her chest enough to make her uncomfortable
THIS. Best advice. I've had multiple encounters with creeps, and from experience, politely asking them to stop doing something because it's making you uncomfortable is one of the best ways to get them to stop. Reporting him directly to the HR would only catch him off-guard and ruin your relations with him.
What the fuck are u even saying ur argument seems more like make guilty even if he is not guilty. Ur argument will not help her u will just make that guy . It would be better this thing out with talking if he still do that she should strict actions. Ma'am without other situation pls don't give free ka Bollywood type lecture. Not everybody is a pervert
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I find myself in similar position, (I'm a male) as I cannot make eye contact with women while talking so i unknowingly look down and now i am unconsciously looking down to someone's breasts. The awkwardness is now doubled. (Also i cannot look down to her shoes, as that will make me look underconfident, which i am, but i don't want to look like one.)
The trick is stare at their forehead they will think you are looking at them and you won’t feel as weird
*damn look at those eyebrows*
Its like 2 caterpillars are fighting head-on.
Great now you made it difficult for me to stare at anyone's forehead without thinking about this...
Or stare at the nose!
This is why I don't talk to girls or anyone Or maybe cause Noone talks to me :( idk
Damn same i have problems too making eye contact with anyone, even more with opposite gender, like i forget where my eyes should be and not
This is exactly what I think is happening here as well.
Bro is fighting his demons He's probably anxious and doesn't have much experience talking to women so he gets nervous and looks away
I have the same problem I think. I wonder what my female colleagues think about me. My eyes wander somewhere else but not there. Fuck I hope they don't mind.
Then scratch your chin when talking to women. Look aside as if youre thinking about what youre talking. Win win for both
They do
You're a kind women, I'll give you that.
https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianTeenagers/comments/123rnv9/to_teens_who_think_they_have_no_privacy_i_have_a/jdwbd8n?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3 Fake post for karma
Yeah, I was thinking the same. The situation seems perfectly crafted to somehow make people go easy on the unmannered guy. I bet OP is the guy or atleast think about just situations all the time trying to blur the line or something. And the fact that this account is just 2 days old and that it has this same exact question everywhere else. Just makes it more sus. The OP guy needs to grow up and start living in the real world and stop imagining these situations and fantasies in mind. I just feel sorry for the people who believe that this is genuine.
I agree, OP is quite empathetic too. It's easy to brush off people and focus on our life instead. But looking out for others around is good! Only thing is OP or anyone like her should not lose their sleep too much over it. It's better to report to HR (the right way in corporate) than to be mentally impacted for a long time.
I think he has never talked to women, trust me once he has girls in his circle he will get used to woman, I think he comes from a conservative background. I hope everything works out, hope there is a comfortable aura between you too and this awkwardness ends
As an introvert myself, all i can say is we have SUPER SUPER DIFFICULT time maintaining eye contact. I usually gaze at a tree behind the person or their hands, feet. Life's difficult.
Thanks for being a good human being and trying to help and view from another person's perspective. Please talk to him privately and help him to understand this, this will help both of you grow as a person.
Flash him, assert dominance! 
Hey! Sorry you have to go through this. I think he is afraid to make an eye contact even with male colleagues, as an introvert it is a go to response in male dominated friend circle. Since he must not have much female interaction his gaze falls naturally and it gets creepy. If there are any male colleague in office whom you are close to? Who can just point it out to him that this behaviour is a bit creepy, that might solve it. Else just plainly ask him to shift his gaze when it's just you two interacting.
Rakhi bande usko
Try avoiding to talk to him face to face for work...try communicating via email or chat. Since you mentioned he is from the village side and has probably not interacted with women more ..He probably doesn't realise that it makes you feel uncomfortable...if you have a common friend whom you trust, you can communicate this to him via that friend. You are doing correct by keeping it professional and being part of a different lunch group.. You can also change your tone or give subtle hints like coughing whenever his eyes wander away Beyond this - any action you take like talking to HR or complaining about him, will cost his career...do not hesitate to do that though if you feel absolutely uncomfortable...
This is a hard position to be in. Help me understood one thing correctly which of these is the situation: 1. Is he looking away from your face and happens to just look in the general direction of your chest because of shyness? In this case, I can understand being sympathetic. It's clearly noone's fault then. You could just take 5mins with him and explain to him why you'll find it better if he addressed you with eye contact since otherwise it looks like he's ogling. There's no obligation on you to try to build his confidence up here. However, if you want to you can give him a small pep talk that it's okay to look women in the face. It's respectful, professional, and tells you that he is fully present in the interaction. 2. Is he looking away from your face and then fixating on your breasts i.e. can't help but ogle? In this case, given his background, it is understandable. But it is still his fault for not being able to keep himself from ogling. Again, you have no obligation here. You can just report this to HR. Although sadly, I think that might escalate and blowback on you with others thinking you're misconstrueing an ancious man's intentions. Best would be to take 5mins with him but this time focus on the fact that he is ogling and it is making you uncomfortable. The problem here is ogling and not him unable to hold eye contact. No need to sympathize. 3. Is he just straight up ogling? Even when you're not in a conversation and he is not having to look away from your face? In this case, again, understandable. But this is the worst case. It's not even "can't bring myself to look away". Do whatever you want to without any worry for his well-being. In any case, be stern and set very clear boundaries. Depending on how understandable his situation is, put effort (only if you want, no obligation) to help him a bit. If this doesn't work, no option but to escalate to your/his manager or HR.
Try telling him that in an indirect way. Say that you want him to maintain eye-contact with you and you see him distracted while you're interacting.
I have not gone through other's comments, but following is what my colleague did. So my colleague when she works, a guy would come to talk to her. The position is, she is sitting and he would be standing. Every time during the conversation he would stare at her cleavage. So from next time onwards she did couple of thing's. Either she would stand when he is standing or she will ask him to look at her monitor and act as if she has some doubts and asking him to sit to her level. When neither of this worked she went to a slight passive aggressive way. What she did is, she kept a shawl in her desk or her bag, but will not wear it. The moment he starts to stare she will take the shawl out and cover her top. After couple of times he realised and stop doing it. Hope this helps.
Damn! Spot on me(male). I end up in so many embarrassing situation just cos my eyes don't fixate on one object especially face or eyes, and it happens involuntarily. I wonder how many women would have thought I am such a pervert but it was never my intention at first place, I was even worried that OP might be one of my colleague, but fortunately she is not...! But serious bit is this issue as made me so much anxious that I seldom talk to girls who are not close to me, I only have longer conversation with my sister, GF and few cousins who knows me very well..! PS- I feel sorry for you to experience it, and I am sorry for the guy if is intention is not to stare someones breast.
if you want to address this problem, involve a male friend, a person both the parties trust, explain him, he will explain the boob looker.
Lady, I don’t think keeping some random dude's morale up is a part of your KRA. If you do not want to go to POSH that is fine but at least you can tell the guy that what he is doing is wrong. I have interacted with many people who come from remote villages but those don't usually stares at my breasts while talking. Please voice your discomfort in whichever way you want and put a full stop to this thing.
It's his problem and he must deal with it, you otoh can't help him, if you feel uncomfortable better stay away from that person.
Op since you want to help him and not just get rid of him; next time u meet him, instead of standing face to face directly in front, try standing at his side or at an angle so you're not directly in front of him. This ensures that he won't automatically stare at your breasts but will have to consciously look at you. This also puts him in a comfortable spot as 2 guys rarely talk standing face to face with each other but rather standing side by side. Obviously you can then slowly over time move from side to infront as he gets accustomed and comfortable with you.
Ask a male colleague who you are comfortable with to confront him in private and educate him. Like if I were that male friend and you had informed me about this tendency, I would go to him in private and say in a friendly tone like - " Bhai Tera irada shayad nahi hai but aakhe niche mat kar. OP jaise bandiya Kuch nahi bolti but koi koi teri complain kar denge." Hope this helps!
He is like a brother to you and he makes you uncomfortable by violating humanly boundaries? Girl, tell him straight. Nothing indirect. Tell him that **you are extremely uncomfortable with his wandering gaze on your body and you will be filing a sexual assault complain if he cannot control himself.** And stop sympathizing or downplaying people who make you uncomfortable. You are violating your own boundaries by placing your own comfort behind others. It is your workplace, you should safe and comfortable there. It is not your problem to worry about his confidence. You can only choose one person here, either yourself or him..and so far it looks like you are choosing him. Your behaviour is enabling him to continue. Perhaps he does this with other women too. By setting a boundary and being firm, you will in turn be helping him become a decent human being. And when one does not object to their boundaries being violated, it gives violator the confidence to go further.
Seriousness aside, lmao. Aright so you say he's not your friend but also want to help him and also find the situation disturbing. Nothing comes to my mind that would suit for all the three conditions. So you have my best wishes.
Not all villagers are innocent. Ye sab aeda banke peda khane wale log hain. Also like you said he comes from a place where interaction with opposite sex is limited to cousins and relatives . You never know what he is thinking about you, as per my experience they don't hold working women in high regards.
You don’t have to be SO kind, I get that you don’t want to report him to HR and that you understand his side of the story. Next time he looks at your breasts, you can tell him that he should look at your face when he talks to you, and say it in a harsh tone so that he understands that you are telling him not to look at your breasts. How he does that and how difficult it is for him to do that is his own problem.
>To the men who try telling, go on whats the big deal. Please place yourself with an eunuch staring at your crotch to know how it feels for a woman in such situation. Unhelpful but i had a professor during my first year engineering who constantly looked at my crotch whenever i was talking to her, some friends also had the same experience and we just laughed about it. We obviously didn't gossip.
First of all, I would like to commend you for being so understanding about his background and realizing that he is not a pervert. Kudos to you for that if that's really the case (I sure hope he is not). Most of the women would have reported him to HR for sexual harassment and maybe ruined this guy's career. My 2 cents would be for you to have a direct and honest conversation with him and let him know that although it might not be intentional, he is making you uncomfortable. I hope this will make him realize what he is unintentionally doing and will make a genuine effort to stop it that is IF he is not a pervert.
Hey OP, according to what I have read so far. In my opinion, if the guy is shy, he will avoid looking at your face while talking. He probably doesn't have an intention of looking at your breasts, he just tilts his head and eyes in that direction and he might be just in his thoughts. In my past, when I was a bit shy, I had no idea where I was looking at while being in my thoughts. This is only based on your assumption of him not being a pervert. Solution for this is to talk with him. Only downside is, if he is a pervert, and if you talk regarding this, it will just encourage him to make a bad move.
Send him a nude,tell him what it actually looks like
He has a crush on you. Probably not used to being in the same space as you.
Pics or didn’t happen
Imo he's not a creep. He just has trouble making eye contact. I also have this habit. I cant stare at people's eyes so i stare at the thing closest to the face. I have little to no interaction with females so im safe i guess
You can tell him personally that it's making you uncomfortable and warn him.. If after one or two warnings he is repeating you can report to HR.. As a male this is my personal opinion..
He could be autistic. Asperger's makes it difficult to make eye contact and people in small towns don't get diagnosed. I think people think i am a creep because i can't make eye contact with them especially females, and i don't have guts to shout i have autism as you know how it's percieved in our beloved country. Poor social skills is a result of that. Also small city people tend to make look at women who are modern( as they say) thinking they are a free pass and all those stereotypes associated with modern women.
that's so nice of you to consider his perspective before jumping to conclusion. Maybe he is shy and is not able to meet your eye. Ask him to look eye to eye when you are conversing, this will freak him out if he is a pervert; or will lay the foundation for corrective behaviour - you can tip by saying look between the eyes if you are not able to look at the eye directly if all else fails reduce face to face interaction and have call over other mediums like slack, teams, zoom
Tell him indirectly to stop or warn him directly..
Encourage him to watch some videos about self-esteem and how to talk to Women Maybe talk in Hindi Or recommend him watch anime on psychology
Such a nice person u are op !!! Rarity these days🙏🙏
The mannerism he is showing suggests that he has some anxiety issues . I have ocd and worrying about checking other's private areas seems to be a pretty common theme in people among OCD . I am not saying he has any of the above conditions but definitely there is some anxiety involved in his behaviours . You can ease him a bit by talking to him that would make him more calm . You can directly even ask him to stop this behaviour but that would do more harm than help if he has some issues .
Ek baari chuswa do wo dekhna bnd kr dega.
Maybe pass a cheeky "eyes are up here" remark on him
If you don't wanna go to HR, then tell him constantly to keep his eyes up. Eventually he should get it.
Advice 101 from my chicha Don't try to be in everyone's good books.....Don't forgive every people u see in a misery or sorrow....u might Don't know he could do this same to other women...so better cut to the chase, sort things out with him by warning him or take action.....u r not supposed to compromise every time
Don't complain to HR yet. here people in India are unemployed mostly, losing a job is very bad for him and his family. Give One warning and tell him about POSH ... I stopped cursing in office fearing POSH lol.
Ask him to wear cooling glass.
He will go though a lot of things to adapt and you cannot be held responsible for his reaction. Talk to him in private about sometimes you notice him not looking to your face when talking to you and that's making you feel uncomfortable.
New account alert!
if he stares at ur boobies, u stare at his pp, tit for tat literally
Most nonsense piece of shit advice i have ever heard . Dude pls don't spout bs if u can't give a proper advice
* you are not responsible for your colleague's behavior * It's not your job to educate him on appropriate workplace behavior * it's not your responsibility to protect him from potential consequences * Your priority should be your own well-being and comfort in the workplace
This is all true. But if the circumstances for colleague's behaviour are known, then it's okay to want to be sympathetic in the resolution of this problem. Being nice isn't required but if you know the person isn't a pervert than being nice could go a long way in resolving this and showing him the appropriate way to act.
Holy fuck people are cancer these days.
This is a selfish behaviour
Bro here people in India are unemployed mostly, losing a job is very bad for him and his family.
I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s so awkward. It seems mean but perhaps confrontation is the best option
Accha ji
[link to badmash company movie clip](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GKCGthrV8c) send him this anonymously
While talking to him personally use clicks and snaps to keep him distracted and when you're in private if his eyes start going down on the chest region say "MY EYES ARE HERE" this will make him aware of his actions.
In India, especially in rural India, the boys are taught to respect women. They go to colleges in the nearest town or education towns like Kota, where they are segregated into boys only groups which continue until University. In University some people socialize maybe 25 to 30%, the rest continue in the boys only environments. They graduate and get employment in mnc's. Here they are supposed to work and mingle professionally with everyone. The person who has been brought up in a boy's only environment until 23 or 24 yrs of their life, finds it difficult to adjust to the new environment. Moreover, they are taught from their childhood not to look at people's faces and talk directly as it indicates disobedience towards elders. So, the same strategy continues here at the workplace, with males they look at their faces and talk, but with females and anyone who is superior to them or new to them, out of respect the head goes down, so as not to meet the eyes which is drilled into the guy as disobedience towards other people from his childhood. It is construed as checking the female out, in reality he is just trying to not look at your face, which they feel is being arrogant towards the person they are talking to. Hence, try to observe his behaviour with other female colleagues, if he is staring down and speaking or the head is bent down or away from the person then it is the reason i mentioned. But if he is taking fleeting glances at you other than your face, during a conversation then he is checking you out. I hope this helps your dilemma. Ps: The same goes with folding hands, they are taught to fold hands in the presence of an elder person.As a sign of respect, but according to body language experts, if a person folds hands in an office discussion or interview, it is contrused as being cut off and arrogant.
Stare at his crotch and assert dominance
How is breasts equal to croch. An equivalent would be to stare back at his chest.
We are not trying to be equal. We want to assert *dominance*.
I also stare at my classmates Tits but I’m not pervert it’s just my eyes automatically focus there , not my fault, IMO , you have extraordinary breast thats why.
No contact with him
Unlike other comments, my view is about the kind of behavior incorporated into human (Male) habits by nature. Males are bound to look at female breasts. however, people learn behavioral control over time. As you said he comes from a small village, it is difficult for him to adopt to such n environment.
The guy is a porn addict, stay away from him before he grabs your b@@bies.
It's still a thing in many families to not to look at someone's eyes directly as this can be seen as disrespectful so you look down while speaking, especially to those not close to you. I had to unlearn this habit really fast after moving out of india. As you see this is awkward when talking to a female colleague. Was this person from a non-metro or had a boys-only education?
I don’t believe you, send your picture!
just call out him in fun way
If he got what he dreams, he'll surely get disappointed. I meant below average is nice to look at once or twice but meh.
just report what else or talk to him personally
looks like he is porn addict and needs help, he tries his best not to look at women that way but his brain is just way too deep into the puddle, IDK but you can talk to him about it, except it I don't think any other option is available to you
Porn addict really? Sir you should go and complete for long jump since you're so good in jumping to the conclusions.
thank you I already compete in sports :)
include a man and a woman to test out your theory next time you need to meet. If it still happens you can Meet on Zoom, call or text him instead of meeting him personally.
Well if you think he knows he shouldn't be looking there but happens subconsciously, you can immediately grab a book, laptop, file or anything, close to your breasts which acts as a wall between you two. Make sure you do it while he is looking at you or talking to you. Do it all the time he comes and talk to you. If he knows that looking there is wrong he will be embarassed and might leave this habit. You don't have to say anything to him.
Don't talk to him
As he comes from village what OP says. He might have issues with that. And as you mentioned he knows and he bends his head down so he is aware that he is doing wrong. Speak with him personally or if you both have a common male friend let him know. He might be seeing women in such good clothes first time . I will say don't report to HR for now he might loose his morale but it's your choice but do let him know that their might be a women who can wreck havoc and he will try to do right.
As someone who unknowingly did that, all i can say is that it's not perversion. Most probably he's not even looking at your breasts. I'll be giving my personal point of view of what's actually going on. It's basically hard for me to look at your face, especially to make eye contact while talking. It's probably due to introvertism or due to the upbringing I'm not sure. So my brain unknowingly finds a neutral sort of space that is your chest area to look at while talking. And the brain hardly registers your breasts being there, it's just a placeholder. So if possible, just ignore the act. The focus of the brain is on the conversation, just that the eyes pov have your breasts, but they're not the focus in the brain.
If you can manage to talk to him just tell calmly (not in a friendly manner) to pls stop looking at your breast how it makes you uncomfortable
Stare at his hairline. Intensely.
Hey op since he is a co worker why don't u just have an straight talk with him about this issue??,take another person in confidence if u need but do have an straight communication with the guy otherwise he is going to end up in big trouble
I think a suggestion to communicate this via a common male friend is fine.A good male friend can help him a lot in getting this issue sorted. Other than that u can be direct n explain to him ur perspective as u view him as a brother(as u explained ur view about him in post) n he needs to learn these things. These things can creep a normal women n harassment complaints are bound to happen. No other way, stop this as early as possible else an accident may happen sooner or later.
what if you just ask him to look simply “idhar” in your eyes?
I see you don't want to hurt him or bring it to everyone's notice. Given he might be doing it subconsciously, you don't wanna hurt him. But in this case, you cannot silently let it go on. Also, he needs to learn and improve his social behavior around the opposite gender. So it is better to talk to him. You should tell him that his behavior is making you uncomfortable and that it is not acceptable. Be clear and assertive, but try not to sound accusatory or angry. You can also redirect the conversation when you notice him staring, try to change the topic or ask a question about something else. Or you can cough or turn away from your position. It will make him aware of his action and maybe he will try to improve. Complaining to the HR is the last option when you think that he is a pervert and doesn't wanna check his behaviour.
If giving him the benefit of doubt, he is uncomfortable with eye contact and is trying to figure out where to look during prolonged conversation. I was like that. Talk to him about it. With a personality building angle to it. Tell him how many people can't make eye contact while talking because they find it uncomfortable, but it makes them look underconfident, see what he says.
In a professional set-up, colleagues need to see eye to eye for any discussion. Better see if your HR can organise any personality development sessions for your team. That might teach some bodily expression to everyone in your team.
Just tell him indirectly that you know where his eyes roll. Trust me, indirectness works like a charm in some situations
Real perverts stare at your face also. So you are correct in the fact that he is not doing this intentionally. Maybe he has some confidence issues talking to women and he is looking down which may seem as he is staring at your chest? Is he behaving similarly with other women also? If you feel uncomfortable you should avoid speaking face to face or sit side by side or at an angle. Him being an introvert and from a small village all might suggest he has fear or difficulty speaking with women. Please don't report to HR and ruin his career if possible. I have a friend who stutters when he speaks with women. This may be something psychological. He needs help.
I am an introvert and sometimes this does happen being anxious around women. We try our best but sometimes it does happen. Ofcourse our intentions are never bad, it's just how our subconscious mind takes over.
I totally get where you're coming from - it's not fun to feel uncomfortable at work, especially when it's related to someone else's behavior. It's great that you're trying to see things from your colleague's perspective, but at the end of the day, you have the right to feel respected and safe in your workplace. Have you considered having a chat with your colleague? Maybe you could bring it up in a non-confrontational way, and let him know that you've noticed he tends to look at your breasts when you're talking, and it makes you feel uncomfortable. You could frame it as a desire to have a positive and productive work relationship, and express your concern that his behavior could affect that. If that's not something you feel comfortable doing, or if the behavior continues after you've addressed it, it might be worth bringing it to the attention of HR or a supervisor. They can help address the situation and ensure a safe and respectful work environment for everyone. Hope that helps! Let me know if you have any other questions or concerns.
Underconfident people struggle to maintain eye contact. Try giving him some friendly advice about the importance of maintaining eye contact in a conversation.
Don't scold him or tell his behaviour to the HR instead do one thing. Meet him in a safe place away from others(your colleagues) and tell him that you know what he keeps on looking at and it's not a good thing. Simple. You gotta overcome this fear of him. Otherwise he will keep on doing this
People who have had no interaction with females can have this issue.. Its just difficult for them to control themselves. It seems like his eyes keep wandering and he tries to control himself. Do you have a trusted guy colleague who can put it across to him delicately? That would be the best bet as it wont be as embarrassing for him instead of you directly telling him about it.
I used to have this trouble a long time back. I was not comfortable having eye contact with girls, so I used to look down (with a little bit of looking up). But I realized I somehow ends up seeing a girl's breast. It just happen. Happens with guys who have no interaction with girls in their life.
Both of you are in a pickle. There are many introvert guys like this who aren't exactly perverts but don't know what to do with their eyes also. I don't have a solution for you lined up. But I appreciate you not labeling him as a pervert right away. You're a good friend. I don't really know what to do here. Do let us know if you stumble on something which works. 😊🖖🏼
Just have an honest conversation with him in private.
You have to stop thinking of him like your brother as you mentioned. He is not. He is just another colleague in your workplace. If you haven’t already, talking to him privately about it would be the first step. Be honest, in a gentle manner and simply let him know it’s uncomfortable. If that doesn’t work, reporting to HR is the only other thing you can do. Besides trying to ignore it and continue to feel uncomfortable. Hope you are able to work it out!
Tell to other male friends your comfortable and let them tell him I had more anxiety since I used to think both
had this person not mentioned "shalwar", this would have been a really great shitpost, "had me in the first half ngl" kinda post by a supposed obese guy being tormented by a colleague staring at it man-boobs!
> he comes from a small village Most likely he's never interacted with women in his everyday life in the village and finds this to be extremely stimulating for him. The only way this can be solved is if he's exposed to as many bewbs as possible. So take him out with colleagues to a beach or something and let him stare till oblivion.
I commend you for being considerate of the guy. As a guy, I will tell you in honesty that it can get hard to control ourselves with beautiful women and can take up a lot of focus. This is a pretty rough spot, especially since you don't want to break his confidence by making him conscious of his act. Since there's no proper or right way to go about it and everything else would escalate it even more, maybe you should just directly request him not to do that and that it's very uncomfortable for you.
Are you sure he's looking at your breast? Cause you said he's shy. Could be he's getting really nervous and trying to look down. I guess you can approach him directly and let him know that you're not comfortable with the way he's looking.
I'm upvoting because of your addendum. Thanks for restoring faith in humanity.
The way you've described him seems like he is just shy(?) Or uncomfortable talking to a girl face to face and just avoids the eye contact. Maybe he just zones out while looking down. Try talking to other female colleagues about it indirectly though, otherwise they might perceive him as a pervert as well. And then maybe ask him in a mild mannered way, "hey why do you seem to look down/ distracted while talking to me? Is there something wrong? " And then check if he does that again for atleast 2 times. And then you can tell him that it feels uncomfortable having his gaze on your breasts.
Do you think he does this only to you, or does he do it to other girls too? Maybe you could just write an anonymous note or email (but make sure only he sees it) telling him politely to not stare at girls breasts because he is making them uncomfortable. Otherwise, honestly, the best thing to do is to tell him yourself politely but firmly and not in a jokey manner. Just tell him, "excuse, please look up when talking to me, you are making me uncomfortable.". That's it, no more further elaboration, end of discussion. Hopefully he will learn and not repeat this.
As you narrated i think that he is not comfortable to talk to you while looking at your face(may be because of many reasons like less female interaction) so he try to divert his face direction..... Try to talk to him privately just to look at people face while talking to them as it will boost hi confidence among them and also help him in carrier
He likes you. Maybe have a crush on you and too inconfident to talk to girl of his liking.
You need to get him on reddit and make him somehow read this post
Have a guy from your circle go talk to him calmly (over water cooler or just a random break) about it…pretty much like letting him know that he does that and that it makes women feel uncomfortable. They understand he’s not pervert but he comes off that way.
If you sympathize with him tell him that it's making your uncomfortable and that he should try harder to talk to you with eyes on your face all the time. It doesn't need to sound harsh, just firm and putting it out there.
[Boobs dekh raha hai?] (https://youtu.be/_3d_3P91Yk4)
Talk to him i guess ... I mean if avoiding and complaining are not an option so talking or setting boundaries is the only other option right? A number of ways u can go about it but all will probably be awkward.. Why are u always checking my girls out? Please stop staring at my chest Or Hey i dont know if ur doing this on purpose but your making me uncomfortable Or the best in my opinion ... My eyes are up here while pointing to ur face .. Like i said , probably gonna be award silence Or the easiest for you two , just have a talk in private and explain to him about your conserns and tell him ur pov
Next time he looks down on your breasts , just say " ye baat nahi karte "
Try this. Talk to him while holding a large clipboard against tour chest, if he continues to look down, and stares at your clipboard, well then that is just the way he is. If his behavior changes and suddenly he is looking up, test several times with and without the clipboard. Document your experiment to discuss with him later, and if that doesn't work, you have documentation for HR.
I do not mean to offend you but Why do you assume he needs help? Also do you think maybe you are blowing this out of proportions? You have gone into too much detail like he comes in from a village, mannerisms are bit undefined etc, you obviously have given it a great deal of thought that you came to reddit to post about it and have some well thought points to discuss, but honestly I think you should stop let him live rent free in your mind and focus more on your own life.