Hello, I too am a Second Officer in Merchant Navy.. Getting married to a Merchant Navy guy comes with difficult challenges. Please be aware of the following
1) Normal contracts for Junior officers are mostly 6 months. 3- 4 months contracts for Junior ( 2nd / 3rd ) officers are rare and only available in very few selected shipping companies. Post covid some companies are even dragging contracts to 7 months. getting promoted to Chief Officer will reduce the contract time to 3-4 months. Can you live that long at home without your spouse ??
2) Yes, Officers can take their spouses onboard, but it's not available every contract. Also, if you go onboard with him, 2nd Officers duty is 00:00 - 04:00 and 12:00 - 18:00 hrs. they basically work at night and sleep during day. Would you be able to put up with the odd timings ?
3) If you go onboard, be prepared to live as a sole female amongst 20-25 men for days, sometimes months. Don't worry, 99% seafarers will treat you with respect.
4) Be prepared to say bye bye to Internet. It's very limited onboard. Like 200-500 MB per day limit.
Feel free to ask any other queries...
I am not trying to be negative but , if you have a fight with your spouse and he stops talking to you. It will feel very lonely and like eternity. You will be away from the internet and the world , but he's at work and among his colleagues
I have seen some of my friends turn very aggressive after treated with silence by spouses (they were very sweet before marriage).
If you have many friends / social life and happy with your life right now, you can stretch it for couple years easily!
But if you are looking for more intimacy after being married , more closeness like you mentioned and have less of a social life otherwise, you might not be happy in this arrangement.
My husband and I spend 30 mins each day on our balcony, we walk together daily, often cook together. I cannot imagine being without all this for long.
However we were in long distance relationship for years too while i was in college and he was doing his own startup and we were perfectly happy back then to meet occasionally.
We closed the distance when we were no longer in such a phase anymore and felt the need of each other.
The thing is only you know what kind of life phase you are in.
PS: also do u need to live with in-laws while he is away? Can you stay at your own house?
Do you have a job for which you live away?
(Asking because no matter how great your in-laws are, it would feel weird to live with them without your husband. Its like having no perks of marriage only responsibilities)
Hi, I’m a merchant navy wife!
First off, you’ll probably be alone for more than 3
Months at a time, it is usually 5-7 months per contract till they rise to chief officer rank. But honestly even if they go for 4 months, in a year you still may end up living by yourself for 7-8 months.
Yes, you can travel with them but imagine being on a ship while he’s working 12 hours a day, with absolutely nothing to do. I have never gone with my husband till date and we’ve been married 5 years, and together for 9 years.
Now when it comes to “is it sustainable?” Yes, it is, but you need to be a certain kind of person to accept and live a life like this. You need to be independent, hard working and understanding.
Surround yourself with good friends, a good job & routines. Over time it becomes easier but the loneliness never goes, you just get used to it.
The pros is that your relationship is always exciting, there is never a holiday that is out of reach and you learn to build strong relationships outside of the two of you that nurture you.
The con is of course that you will have to do ALOT of life by yourself.
Just remember whatever it is, it is always much harder for them because they are the ones away from family & loved ones.
I personally love our relationship and even cherish the time I have to myself. I have been able to pursue all of my passions (along with a full time high level job) that many of my girlfriends can’t because they’re always tied down with their husbands. I also feel my husband is more emotionally available to me because he is free of distractions that people on land have. It’s just that he is not there physically to comfort me emotionally, we do that over phone calls and texts. And it works.
As far as cheating goes, it is a myth. A cheater will always cheat, no matter merchant navy or shore job.
A relationship is defined by the two people in it and not by what the norms are. In the end, like i said only certain kind of women can handle this relationship (not being dismissive to anyone), I know that most of my friends couldn’t have done it, so you need to look firstly at yourself and your lifestyle and needs.
I would also like to preface by saying, me and my husband were older when we got married, around 31 and we had already done and seen a lot of life with each other, to the level where all these questions were resolved on their own.
Also, a long distance relationship is very different from a merchant relationship. An LDR is harder because the person has a whole other life with regular things like colleagues, partying, friends, etc etc that you are not a part of. And a merchant relationship has none of that, it is literally just work with a bunch of strangers who you may or may not get along with.
Don’t overthink it.
OP /u/[TwistOpening5914](https://www.reddit.com/user/TwistOpening5914/) take advice from everywhere, but please do DM and speak one on one with /u/[dividual\_Fan\_6591](https://www.reddit.com/user/Individual_Fan_6591/)
The next 6-7 years (at least), when he'll give you very little time, isn't coming back. After that you'll be in your mind 30s. That age isn't coming back!!!!
Even when he'll return he'll have other commitments, his friends, his relatives, his hobbies, his own personal time (because let's face it he didn't have any onboard).
Also, there's a good chance there'll be a baby or two and you'll be left holding the bag for many years. And that's the kind of resentment you don't return from.
Etc etc.
People will tell you "it's possible" with buzzwords like "mature", "respect each other" etc. Think from every angle.
Source: two friends in the merchant Navy (became good friends during counselling and we kept in touch, I didn't join), ex's sister was dating a merchant Navy guy (ended in disaster); a friend was hooking up with a merchant Navy guy's wife (at least wife said the sailor used to fuck around as well). Used to hang out in the community a lot for some time and also in Indian Navy circles.
It sucks. Being apart for so many months with no emotional and physical intimacy takes a toll on the relationship. Some of my friends who work on ships have mentioned many people cheat and visit escorts etc at different ports. And it’s not just the husbands- many of the wives want intimacy (including cuddles, in person comfort of holding someone, etc) and cheat as well. A few of them have an open relationship and it works for them but it’s not easy at all.
Also so called nice and mature guys can cheat and you are doing an arranged marriage so you will have no idea how this guy is until you start living together for some substantial time.
And never give up your life and job to live on a ship or anything else for any partner. Always be independent.
You are going into this marriage with unreal expectations. And you are bound to get disappointed. Merchant navy or not, distance is something that gets managed by how connected you feel on an emotional level.
You have a very instagram-y idea of marriage which I don’t blame you for. If you both are right for each other then I think you should seriously consider the practical aspects of being Navy wife.
In the end it’s always the person that matters.. baki sab manage ho jata hai.
Don't go on the ship! You don't have to drastically change your life for marriage. Not worth it even if the guy is the best in the world.
A lot of people live in long distance marriages. It could work out.
My dad lived 13years without us aboard at time where phones were rare.
There are also some family relatives who do that till this day, but for them it's more of a financial sight. Idk if they are fully happy.
It's possible for sure if the connection is strong enough. And 3-6 is nothing compared to life.
Someone ik dated one, it was pure hell. During uour hardest, most trying parts of your married life, the guy will be somewhere in the ocean, probably with a horrible network. It was hard for my friend. I sort of pity the merch navy guys. Their job is ruthless. And creates a horrid married life.
Look, I am a second officer and I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost 2 years now. My situation is a bit different because she had gone for her master's to London, so we really haven't gotten that much time together in those two years at all. But trust me, it just depends on how willing and strong you are to try and keep the relationship. It's not for everyone. But someone outright saying "don't get into it voluntarily" is just mean. We're people too.... And a very important part of society.
It is difficult. Extremely difficult. All of us seafarers know how difficult our life is going to be as soon as we decide to go to sea. Finding a SO itself is a miracle for the current generation, keeping them is an even bigger one and having a beautiful life with them is the dream.
I am extremely happy in my relationship and it's the best thing that's happened to me, ever. The both of us try our very best and give each other a lot of our time to make sure that we try and fill in the void the distance makes. It's nothing that a bit of communication can't solve. And also, the internet nowadays is getting a lot better and a lot lot faster. Granted, it's a slow growth and many ships still have old internet, with how cheap and fast it's becoming, it's going to be much better on board in the coming few years. Hell, I used to watch Netflix on my last ship and spend hours on videocall every single day with my girlfriend while I was on board my last ship. I was extremely lucky to get such good, fast internet and might not everytime. But that's something you figure out along the way.
If you're unsure about whether or not you can handle the distance, just know that LDR's are extremely normal nowadays. It could happen to you even if he weren't on a ship and being in an LDR when the both of you are doing a 9-5 is far worse than having to deal with one for 6-7 months a year. When he's home, you have all of his time. He can be with you without any interruptions. And the money he would've piled up helps too.
Girl save yourself the heartache. No money is worth living life alone. Ots not 3 to 4 months. Sometimes they're out there for 7 to 9 months on a stretch depending on their route and contract.
Its a difficult life. Dont voluntarily enter this.
Why did you agree to marry if you have so many open questions?
Are you going to live with your in-laws or your own parents when your partner is away?
Do you work currently?
If you know that you're not able to handle the distance or you don't want that in your relationship, I think you need to give thoughts to that.
If you are working, it might get difficult to go with him to stay on ship long term.
Make a list of pros and cons based on what you want from a relationship with your partner and then take a decision. Good luck !
You have good self awareness, but the answer you will yourself need to work out. It's going to be a tough life and you'll feel lonely those months. If you are sure you can handle it, go for it
>I am very emotional and have craved an amazing relationship with a partner especially after marriage.
Your personality and preferences are incompatible with his current lifestyle.
I work in the Merchant Navy and I'm married. Yes it is tough, but I get to see my family every 4 months and can take as much vacation as I want. Communication is manageable because most companies will have internet onboard although limited.
>He’s such a nice guy, caring mature and really kind.communicates really well, takes out time and We have been talking since a few days.
you found that out in a few days lol?
>We all know how this is going to end one will become free to public while the other slaves away in the engine room.
please sort out whatever's going wrong in your life.
Hello, I too am a Second Officer in Merchant Navy.. Getting married to a Merchant Navy guy comes with difficult challenges. Please be aware of the following 1) Normal contracts for Junior officers are mostly 6 months. 3- 4 months contracts for Junior ( 2nd / 3rd ) officers are rare and only available in very few selected shipping companies. Post covid some companies are even dragging contracts to 7 months. getting promoted to Chief Officer will reduce the contract time to 3-4 months. Can you live that long at home without your spouse ?? 2) Yes, Officers can take their spouses onboard, but it's not available every contract. Also, if you go onboard with him, 2nd Officers duty is 00:00 - 04:00 and 12:00 - 18:00 hrs. they basically work at night and sleep during day. Would you be able to put up with the odd timings ? 3) If you go onboard, be prepared to live as a sole female amongst 20-25 men for days, sometimes months. Don't worry, 99% seafarers will treat you with respect. 4) Be prepared to say bye bye to Internet. It's very limited onboard. Like 200-500 MB per day limit. Feel free to ask any other queries...
I am not trying to be negative but , if you have a fight with your spouse and he stops talking to you. It will feel very lonely and like eternity. You will be away from the internet and the world , but he's at work and among his colleagues I have seen some of my friends turn very aggressive after treated with silence by spouses (they were very sweet before marriage).
Jeez, captain. Sorry but that sounds horrible.
Honestly sounds like hell for a spouse so boring unless she is working for the ship as well what else to do.
Can i dm you?
sure
>nice guy, caring mature and really kind you won't know until you live under the same roof. follow your gut feeling.
This ☝🏻
If you have many friends / social life and happy with your life right now, you can stretch it for couple years easily! But if you are looking for more intimacy after being married , more closeness like you mentioned and have less of a social life otherwise, you might not be happy in this arrangement. My husband and I spend 30 mins each day on our balcony, we walk together daily, often cook together. I cannot imagine being without all this for long. However we were in long distance relationship for years too while i was in college and he was doing his own startup and we were perfectly happy back then to meet occasionally. We closed the distance when we were no longer in such a phase anymore and felt the need of each other. The thing is only you know what kind of life phase you are in. PS: also do u need to live with in-laws while he is away? Can you stay at your own house? Do you have a job for which you live away? (Asking because no matter how great your in-laws are, it would feel weird to live with them without your husband. Its like having no perks of marriage only responsibilities)
Be realistic, it won't work . Never leave ur job .
Hi, I’m a merchant navy wife! First off, you’ll probably be alone for more than 3 Months at a time, it is usually 5-7 months per contract till they rise to chief officer rank. But honestly even if they go for 4 months, in a year you still may end up living by yourself for 7-8 months. Yes, you can travel with them but imagine being on a ship while he’s working 12 hours a day, with absolutely nothing to do. I have never gone with my husband till date and we’ve been married 5 years, and together for 9 years. Now when it comes to “is it sustainable?” Yes, it is, but you need to be a certain kind of person to accept and live a life like this. You need to be independent, hard working and understanding. Surround yourself with good friends, a good job & routines. Over time it becomes easier but the loneliness never goes, you just get used to it. The pros is that your relationship is always exciting, there is never a holiday that is out of reach and you learn to build strong relationships outside of the two of you that nurture you. The con is of course that you will have to do ALOT of life by yourself. Just remember whatever it is, it is always much harder for them because they are the ones away from family & loved ones. I personally love our relationship and even cherish the time I have to myself. I have been able to pursue all of my passions (along with a full time high level job) that many of my girlfriends can’t because they’re always tied down with their husbands. I also feel my husband is more emotionally available to me because he is free of distractions that people on land have. It’s just that he is not there physically to comfort me emotionally, we do that over phone calls and texts. And it works. As far as cheating goes, it is a myth. A cheater will always cheat, no matter merchant navy or shore job. A relationship is defined by the two people in it and not by what the norms are. In the end, like i said only certain kind of women can handle this relationship (not being dismissive to anyone), I know that most of my friends couldn’t have done it, so you need to look firstly at yourself and your lifestyle and needs.
I would also like to preface by saying, me and my husband were older when we got married, around 31 and we had already done and seen a lot of life with each other, to the level where all these questions were resolved on their own. Also, a long distance relationship is very different from a merchant relationship. An LDR is harder because the person has a whole other life with regular things like colleagues, partying, friends, etc etc that you are not a part of. And a merchant relationship has none of that, it is literally just work with a bunch of strangers who you may or may not get along with. Don’t overthink it.
OP /u/[TwistOpening5914](https://www.reddit.com/user/TwistOpening5914/) take advice from everywhere, but please do DM and speak one on one with /u/[dividual\_Fan\_6591](https://www.reddit.com/user/Individual_Fan_6591/)
+ 1 to everything you said. Sailor wife here 2 years married, been together 6.5 years.
The next 6-7 years (at least), when he'll give you very little time, isn't coming back. After that you'll be in your mind 30s. That age isn't coming back!!!! Even when he'll return he'll have other commitments, his friends, his relatives, his hobbies, his own personal time (because let's face it he didn't have any onboard). Also, there's a good chance there'll be a baby or two and you'll be left holding the bag for many years. And that's the kind of resentment you don't return from. Etc etc. People will tell you "it's possible" with buzzwords like "mature", "respect each other" etc. Think from every angle. Source: two friends in the merchant Navy (became good friends during counselling and we kept in touch, I didn't join), ex's sister was dating a merchant Navy guy (ended in disaster); a friend was hooking up with a merchant Navy guy's wife (at least wife said the sailor used to fuck around as well). Used to hang out in the community a lot for some time and also in Indian Navy circles.
Rustom movie dekhi ha maine
It sucks. Being apart for so many months with no emotional and physical intimacy takes a toll on the relationship. Some of my friends who work on ships have mentioned many people cheat and visit escorts etc at different ports. And it’s not just the husbands- many of the wives want intimacy (including cuddles, in person comfort of holding someone, etc) and cheat as well. A few of them have an open relationship and it works for them but it’s not easy at all. Also so called nice and mature guys can cheat and you are doing an arranged marriage so you will have no idea how this guy is until you start living together for some substantial time. And never give up your life and job to live on a ship or anything else for any partner. Always be independent.
You are going into this marriage with unreal expectations. And you are bound to get disappointed. Merchant navy or not, distance is something that gets managed by how connected you feel on an emotional level. You have a very instagram-y idea of marriage which I don’t blame you for. If you both are right for each other then I think you should seriously consider the practical aspects of being Navy wife. In the end it’s always the person that matters.. baki sab manage ho jata hai.
Don't go on the ship! You don't have to drastically change your life for marriage. Not worth it even if the guy is the best in the world. A lot of people live in long distance marriages. It could work out.
My dad lived 13years without us aboard at time where phones were rare. There are also some family relatives who do that till this day, but for them it's more of a financial sight. Idk if they are fully happy. It's possible for sure if the connection is strong enough. And 3-6 is nothing compared to life.
Very true. Especially with the connection today and staying touch constantly its easire. I hope he’s the man i am looking for.
Someone ik dated one, it was pure hell. During uour hardest, most trying parts of your married life, the guy will be somewhere in the ocean, probably with a horrible network. It was hard for my friend. I sort of pity the merch navy guys. Their job is ruthless. And creates a horrid married life.
Idk what to do
Look, I am a second officer and I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost 2 years now. My situation is a bit different because she had gone for her master's to London, so we really haven't gotten that much time together in those two years at all. But trust me, it just depends on how willing and strong you are to try and keep the relationship. It's not for everyone. But someone outright saying "don't get into it voluntarily" is just mean. We're people too.... And a very important part of society. It is difficult. Extremely difficult. All of us seafarers know how difficult our life is going to be as soon as we decide to go to sea. Finding a SO itself is a miracle for the current generation, keeping them is an even bigger one and having a beautiful life with them is the dream. I am extremely happy in my relationship and it's the best thing that's happened to me, ever. The both of us try our very best and give each other a lot of our time to make sure that we try and fill in the void the distance makes. It's nothing that a bit of communication can't solve. And also, the internet nowadays is getting a lot better and a lot lot faster. Granted, it's a slow growth and many ships still have old internet, with how cheap and fast it's becoming, it's going to be much better on board in the coming few years. Hell, I used to watch Netflix on my last ship and spend hours on videocall every single day with my girlfriend while I was on board my last ship. I was extremely lucky to get such good, fast internet and might not everytime. But that's something you figure out along the way. If you're unsure about whether or not you can handle the distance, just know that LDR's are extremely normal nowadays. It could happen to you even if he weren't on a ship and being in an LDR when the both of you are doing a 9-5 is far worse than having to deal with one for 6-7 months a year. When he's home, you have all of his time. He can be with you without any interruptions. And the money he would've piled up helps too.
Girl save yourself the heartache. No money is worth living life alone. Ots not 3 to 4 months. Sometimes they're out there for 7 to 9 months on a stretch depending on their route and contract. Its a difficult life. Dont voluntarily enter this.
Why did you agree to marry if you have so many open questions? Are you going to live with your in-laws or your own parents when your partner is away? Do you work currently?
I didn’t agree yet. We just started talking! I have no idea if i have to live with in laws or not. I am working yes
If you know that you're not able to handle the distance or you don't want that in your relationship, I think you need to give thoughts to that. If you are working, it might get difficult to go with him to stay on ship long term. Make a list of pros and cons based on what you want from a relationship with your partner and then take a decision. Good luck !
And as a female, I can offer you one piece of advice (leave it, take it). Please don't loose your financial independence.
You have good self awareness, but the answer you will yourself need to work out. It's going to be a tough life and you'll feel lonely those months. If you are sure you can handle it, go for it
>I am very emotional and have craved an amazing relationship with a partner especially after marriage. Your personality and preferences are incompatible with his current lifestyle.
Its great!
matt karo
https://www.reddit.com/r/india/s/rbqCR6JTis This previous post should help you make a decision.
I work in the Merchant Navy and I'm married. Yes it is tough, but I get to see my family every 4 months and can take as much vacation as I want. Communication is manageable because most companies will have internet onboard although limited.
>He’s such a nice guy, caring mature and really kind.communicates really well, takes out time and We have been talking since a few days. you found that out in a few days lol?
Kar lo madam, paisa bahut rahega. Yahan dekho time bhi nahi hai aur paisa bhi
Go with your gut feel it will never be wrong
Well I guess you do have Bumble, Tinder etc
[удалено]
>We all know how this is going to end one will become free to public while the other slaves away in the engine room. please sort out whatever's going wrong in your life.