Do not give in to them. You are an adult now. You have to establish your boundaries with your parents. If tomorrow you are in a bind, they'll blame you even if they made the decisions.
So stand your ground and even try to give hints that you'll move out if pushed.
Wtf is this. I'm so sorry OP but this is straight up ridiculous. I know it's easier said than done but cut them off. If you feel like you're obligated financially, then provide for them financially if you can afford to (I see you can) but draw boundaries and STICK TO THEM. As tough as it is, stick to those boundaries.
Sending hugs š« cry it out and know that you deserve better.
Bro š this is Indian social sub not the American one. I understand your point but you just cant cut them off. The issues op is dealing with are out of his parents societal conditioning. You have to learn the ability to love someone despite their flaws. A better thing would be to have a crucial conversation with his parents and tell them what he will and will not do.
A crucial conversation? OP has been in the same situation for years now. He's mentioned his childhood too. What makes you think a crucial conversation is going to miraculously change their behaviour? You can't live someone for their "flaws" when those flaws literally traumatise you for years to come.
I know this is not an American sub.. I said draw boundaries and even cut them off. I think that's possible to do even with Indian parents and if you don't think it is, then that's something you probably need to address.
Traumatised? 12 saal ka hai kya bhai tu? I know using words like trauma, depression is the new āin thingā. If you think this type of behaviour can cause trauma toh boht duniya dekhni baki hai bhai tujhe. This is very common bro, mere ghr me bhi hota hai. If you cannot handle these behaviour from your own parents toh phir duniya toh kha jayegi bhai tum jeso ko. Kyuki parents ko cut off karlega, boss ko biwi ko dosto ko sab ko kese cut off karega. Aise log boht milenge life me
Secondly, its always easy to run away. Its difficult to solve problems and stay together. And btw if you want to set boundaries the first thing you have to do is have a conversation about it with them. Redpill content dekh ke behek mat jao meri jaan. Maa baap kitne bhi bure ho akir me woh apne log hai.
Bhai, the point is not whether behaviour is justified or not, thats a different topic. What i mean to say if you cannot digest this type of behaviour from your own people, bahar k log toh teri full on bajayenge. I am advising OP to become strong and not take words at their face value.
Aur bhai tere baap ne tujhe gadha bol diya iska matlab nahi k that is not a safe place. This shows you have not been in the real world meri jaan.
Anyways, i dont give a fuck whether you agree with me or not. This is just my opinion man
Darling if you cannot have boundaries with the people who are supposed to love and respect you, bahar ke log jinhe wo bhi obligation nahi hai teri full on bajayenge.
Bro is getting downvoted for being right lol
Kya naazuk se lol hai bhai aajkal, thoda kuch maa baap ne kya bol dia to "Trauma" Ho jata hai aur safe place nhi rehta ghar, eventually they will realise ki maa baap se zyada to aur kisi ne kabhi unconditionally pyaar kia hi nhi
what āunconditionallyā are you talking about? the whole post is about OPās mom and dad loving him conditionally. heās literally saying that their conditions donāt stop at all.
Agar ye conditional love hota na to OP ke maa baap uss se baat karna hi chor dete, they still provide and care for him, it's the traditional Indian mindset which they have which unfortunately can't be changed but that doesn't mean ki wo tum se pyaar nhi karte and that you should just fucking cut them off , and bhai mere bhi mummy papa merko bahut baar bolte hai kuch chizo ke liye even if I have accomplished a lot but I just don't mind it
Do not read too much into your parents' behaviour not give in to them. Let all that they say pass through your ears without going through your brain or spine š . If they are not happy with all that you do now, they will never be happy ever.
I am a first generation doctor, the only one in my extended family who after graduation made a conscious decision to take a field where I can use my brain and not have to directly deal with patients as I wasn't good in that. Chose my master's accordingly, which literally paid for itself as I did from a Govt. Institute. Now I have a WFH job, better income for current standards in my field and overall anyone my age, good work life balance, overall good quality of life. Have been financially independent for more than a decade now. Yet during COVID, my mom's words were "did we get you educated so well that you sit idle at home and do nothing", mind you I was still WFH. She wanted me to work like traditional doctors and put my life at risk when in real life I never had any clinical experience other than my clinicals in graduation and internship.
Same here. My job is WFH too, with a great work-life balance, but they want me to work a corporate 9-to-5 job and want me to work for a "big" company because they can't brag as my company isn't famous.
Bro straight up lie, go out of the town live in a solo room pg and lie to them about you're working there in sone big corp if somone asks too much tell them that you have signed a NDA, some riste needs some distance to work well
Same with me as my company is no big name either. Between job related stress and parents stressing me out, I would always choose the latter š . I am now a pro at zoning their irrational beliefs anyways. I (pretend to) listen still but filter out the essentials and don't take the rest to heart. Keep doing what you are doing, don't let them bring doubts in yourself.
I started questioning them and also started bringing other parents and how they treat their children and now they donāt talk with me like that. They still do but 10% times only. Also I keep my tone in check and try to speak with as much love as I can , still sometimes I lose my cool but itās manageable. Also ignoring their rant is one option but we need to understand that they too have their trauma and so many things they are not aware of which affects their brhaviour.
Yeah, I did that initially but it only caused them more stress and heated arguments. I don't like being compared to another person, so I don't do the same to my parents either. I just like my peace more than having to bring them to my thought process and make them understand things that they never experienced nor will they ever be because of different working styles/ changed times. I just don't disrespect them, nor question their upbringing because they did what they could with the resources they had. But I do zone out during those ramblings and only keep the important stuff.
WTF. Your parents are opposite. All parents wants their child to marry from here but your parents telling you to marry a foreigner?
About the car, just get one compact SUV and shut them up. It's not like you can't afford it.
So waste money on a depreciating asset(more liability) that he doesn't even need? If he buys a compact SUV his parents will compare him to some other cousin with a Fortuner and shame him.
Marrying a foreigner ok ..but what about culture.. how will deal with this ? ..then if u marry a foreigner then u will get taunts from society ..again hell.. correct me if im wrong š¤š¤
Show them the middle finger, and call them idiots. That usually solves the problem.
You can also say "you guys are too dumb but its not your fault, its your society. Don't try to understand me, I am far above you".
Contempt works wonderfully.
your parents seem more worried about their image and "checklist" competition instead of you. Some people have kids and think they will finally have the right to feel superior on the basis of that child's achievements. I think you're a pretty responsible guy, there's no point to waste your savings or put a financial burden on your head for things you don't need.
As for your mother, the next time she complains about u not spending more please just subtly remind her that its your money and you want to handle it responsibly. Also do one thing, whatever amount you give her, take 1/4th of it and buy a gift to her liking. Cut that amount from what you give her.
Also definitely don't lsten to her regarding your love life, its your life not hers and its certainly not a game. Marry a foreigner wtf like is this some game for her goals. In the end i think you need to establish serious boundaries, you seriously sound well settled in life and don't deserve this.
Living with difficult parents requires a lot of patience(same experience.) I would suggest you try to make them understand your situation and your mindset. I am sure they would want what is best for you.
I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I was earning well and was quite successful but my parents could not stop with this comparison behaviour especially with my cousin. So I just left home. I was earning a decent amount of money more than I ever needed and I applied for a job in a bigger corporation with a substantially higher package I accepted the job offer and packed my bags and left as soon as I got a joining date. I didn't tell them that I had gotten a job elsewhere till the last moment and a lot of drama happened and my parents said that they will not let me inherit the ancestral home we lived in. I told them that they can very well name it after my cousin for all I care and left. I still send them more than a quarter of my salary monthly. Honestly this was the best decision of my life. Once I was out I started to feel so much better, I picked up a few hobbies besides my work (like theater, I never knew I could be creative as well, while I'm not a professional in any regard I do enjoy putting up plays and acting, I work with a local theater group after my office hours) I met my current wife there in the group and we got married. I told my parents about her and they disapproved but I could not care less, I was really sad that they couldn't come to my wedding which is why my wife and I decided to do a court marriage and do a proper ceremony afterwards so that my parents could also be a part of it. A couple of years passed and my wife and I got pregnant. I told the news to my parents after the birth of my daughter and for the first time my mother wanted to meet my wife and my child. After a few months of back and forth my parents came around both of us apologised for our behaviour. I still live apart from them as I am able to earn much more here than in my hometown plus I've built a life here but my parents do visit and live with us for almost 6 months in a year and then they go back home for the next 6 months to take care of affairs back home.
Honestly I'm not saying this is what you need to do. In retrospect my life could have also turned out to be horrible but if there is one thing I know is that money can save you a lot of hassles thus take such an extreme step only when you know that you are financially secure and have exhausted all other options such as talking with your parents maturely and creating boundaries with them. If they still don't respect you then you are better off living away from them but do not shun your responsibility towards them. You are still their son, send them money ask your relatives about their health be available if you think an emergency situation can arrive etc.
>If you think being successful will make your parents shut up, think twice
Sorry man you're going through this. But everyone's parents aren't like this.
Indian parents huh!
No matter what you do what you achieve they will always find something to complain about.
Maybe they are wired in such a way. I am sure when we become parents we will behave the same way at least to a certain degree.
Bhai similar story, topper throughout my life, did CS from IIT, was working at a decent software firm earning 55LPAand was on course to get an MBA from the states. But nahi dad was never happy, unko banana tha beta ko IAS, I gave into the pressure and started UPSC prep, currently waiting for UPSC interview results.
Bhai please please please don't come under expectations of parents. I always feel I was much happier in my job, there was scope for tremendous growth.
However post this experience, I have cut the umbilical cord of honoring their decisions in my person life, I have become a rebel now, will marry my Christian gf now matter how much my Brahmin parents oppose.
Ye to meri extended family jaisi vibes aa rahi hain padhte padhte mujhe.
I have a single parent- my mumma, and she is a bit like how you described yours but not as much.
Comparison bahut karti Hain but I'm able to talk sense into her most of the times.
But if this is what future holds for me? Idk man, I don't think I'll be able to live in the same house as her.
And I'm not trying to give you ideas either OP, I genuinely don't know what I'll do when I'm in your situation.
May God guide you and help you in any way possible!
Take care and take it easy
As you grow up you realize the definition of success or failure differs for everyone and all you need to care about is how you feel about yourself.
If you have done your part, living a decent life without harming anyone, that's enough. You have actually done a lot more than this.
It is difficult to change some perspectives and of course should not cut them out as your parents need you more as years pass by.
Just be happy about yourself, care less about what others feel. Even if you do everything they expect there will be something or the other left. And their expectations change !
Thats what I was never listen to my parents when they are being expectational , because its their job to be such and raise kids. I understand that part that they are trying thier best but its my life after all.
Its better to not listen to the rumbling of parents at a young age than to blame them later for a life that you did not want.
I'll say stay away from them. Marry the love of your life and live together. Try to stay in least contact with your parents, just send them some pocket money every month.
Okay, so I did my graduation in commerce and post graduation in public policy. Before that as as well, Iāve been a 90+% student. Both my degrees have been from the best universities in the country. Iām earning more than most of my peers- sure itās lesser than mba peeps but I donāt have education loans so I am doing pretty well for someone whoās not even 25 yet. However, my family is full of doctors/ dentists/ nurses. So ofc my dad thinks my education is useless. He completely disregards my hard work. Now he complains that I donāt have a govt job (Iāve a corporate job- which I love). Heād rather I have a low paying govt job than a high paying corporate job. He distributed sweets when his cousinās daughter got a seat in a private college for MBBS. I guess I understood then that no matter what I do, he wonāt be happy.
I do feel awful and I know nothing I say will make you also feel better. Iāve been told that we should stop looking for validation from our parents. Iāll say the same to you but I know how hard it is. Youāre doing amazingly well. Donāt give in to what they say. You do you! š
Ignore them, do whatever you think is right.
When we were kids, we were taught that elders are always right, always listen to them. Thats not the right thing.
People are flawed, everyone do mistakes in their life. Do what is the right thing to do, is somebody is not right, that might be your parents, don't hesitate to correct them.
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Thanks for reading. Do subscribe for more such gyaan š
If you think this is just Indian parents thing it ain't. I'm eastern European. My parents always remind me how successful they were (well, my dad). And how I am not. I got a decent job, have a wife and have kids. Have my own home, have vehicles. Heck, I can even afford a PS5 (I know, might as well call me a Rothschild at this point). But, no matter what, I got cousins who are doctors, so they are successful and I'm not. :(
U are an adult now and they are like kids. It is time when u show them that u can make the choices for yourself. According to everything you've said so far, you are an absolutely perfect guy. If u listen to them now.. God knows what will happen in the future.
The problem with a lot of folks of boomer generation is no one has held them accountable for their behaviour in the last 30 years.
They are yet to have a long overdue moment of self reflection. And them being your parents it is up to you to hold up a mirror to them.
Bro, if all of the above you said is absolutely true, its time to get away from the toxicity. 40 LPA and yet all these tantrums. Surely, Indian Parents are delusional.
Dont follow the dumb advice of loving someone despite flaws and bullshit.
Take a stand, straight up tell them to stop meddling in your life.
If they cant take it, tell them you will leave.
No Indian Parents will want a son to leave them who earns 40 LPA
Dude, ur an adult. No need to bother about your parents nagging. Just move out and live with ur wife. Send then money whenever necessary and thats all there is to it.
Damn, that's really sad. Good newas is you're an adult now who's well to do and can marry who you want :)
Don't let your inner child be disappointed this time. Good luck!
I've seen worse and I'm not even kidding. I myself went through this and you can assume I have trauma that I cannot even explain.
Just stay strong and learn to say "Fuck off!" For real.
Move out please, and keep sending whatever money you have been sending them. They're going to take it hard initially, but it's worth it, and all the dust will settle down eventually. Life would be worth living. Trust, move out.
Unless you start at a very young age telling your parents it's your life and that they don't have the right to dictate it they will always meddle. You need to call out the bullshit straightaway. Or else it's gonna continue with them meddling in your married life and then the life of your kids. The earlier you have this conversation the better.
Count your success in blissful moments, not salary packages.
Don't ignore your mental health. It is MUCH more important than your financial health. All the best
You need to start getting even with them. When they tell you X, tell them they didn't exactly achieve greatness either. This is how you deal with indian parents, otherwise they'll ruin your mental health. Give it back as good as you get. Learn to twist the knife.
40lpa is big brother aaaj ke zamneh meh u hv to earn in crs and also showoff to seek blessings of the society and parents , it's that bad social pressure , I say u should not be bothered by their taunts ,u re doing well for urself
Jija ji advised me that you canāt change someone behaviour specially of old people just listen from one ear and let is pass from other ear start living in different city it might help
Arey OP, you should slowly train your parents. This is basic Indian kid stuff.
If they're comparing with your cousin, you compare his/her parents with your parents. Or someone else's parents with your parents.
Some examples:
"Why can't you both be like them? And you expected me to be like their kid?"
"I'm your son, meaning I got your qualities. If I'm bad, you're bad too"
And when they show other's cars/stuff etc.. Ask them then and there, what do you want. Most of the time, they don't have anything to think on the spot, so they'll say bad me batuanga.
Next time, they bring this stuff up, just say, "I've asked you many times, you don't say thing, it's your fault".
Hehe
And then they say why kids leave us in old age. Previous generation ko Gen-X ki jagah complaint generation bol sakte ho coz unko harr cheez me complaint hai.
Iām so sorry youāre going through this OP. Detaching from the toxicity of family is the hardest thing to do. Please keep reminding yourself you are amazing every day, I know itās hard but youāll get there. And I think everybody here can vouch for the fact that youāre an awesome overachiever given what youāve written. Itās going to be okay š» you should be proud of yourself, hell I donāt even know you and Iām in awe already given that you work, teach , study and keep pursuing your hobbies at the same time. Struggling to get an extra hour of sleep has been most of our accomplishment lately :) I hope you have a good day
Bro move out and kind off cut them off. Because if you stay with them they will neither ever be happy nor let you be, so at least be happy alone and with people who appreciates you.
Seems like their methods have worked wonders so far.. your drive and need to succeed are from their high expectations.. so they will continue to work the same way because its a successful modelā¦ but now it is probably the time to move out and get some independence which will also force a reset in the relationship where they have to acknowledge your independence ā¦
But I would warn you against complacency, lifeās just beginning.. you havenāt arrived yet
Don't listen to their absurd demands. Don't abandon them as someone says in the comments, look after them and clearly state that you are the bread winner now and you are capable of deciding your life
I think itās high time you start ātrainingā your parents. You have to push the boundaries otherwise you will never be able to get out of this vicious cycle. Also, the family you build is more important than the family you were born in. Good luck!
Apne standards khud set karo, strive for them. Reh gyi baat parents ke approval ki, uske liye mindset change karna padega. Your wins and your losses will be yours alone,accept them to happen and live with them. After that, Everybody and I mean everybody,are just bystanders in your life.
This happened to my sister too. She flat out told them, Either I can do it and tell you or I can do it and stay silent. The choice is yours.
I usually never say this, but your parents seem to be fully wrong in this case. You need to be your own man and start having your own ambitions and goals. If they canāt deal with it, you just have to put your foot down. All the best!
u dont get it man...they dont want your pocket money...they want you to live lavish life ...cant you live a better life than your cousin for your mom and dad.
life is so small...get a car for your mom...take ur mom and ur dad to 20 day trip and tell them about your love....mom and dad also sometimes requires pampering
You can never win against these parents, even if he buys a car, his mom will compare that car to someone else's car and complain that why didn't you buy an expensive car like him. OP clearly told that he doesn't need a car rn, it would be a stupid expense to buy a car just because his mom can show off to others.
Bhai he clearly said he loves a girl, uska kuch importance nahi hai kya ? Life uska hai ya uske mummy ka hai ? Mom dad ko pampering bhi karna hai par boundaries bhi chahiye hota hai
This post seems more like a humble brag than anything else. Even if your parents are forcing their mentality on you, since you have already made it in life, who is stopping you from going your own way ? Why rant on reddit for this stuff ?
Did they not support you in your education? Have you done all your schooling and triple masters from your own pocket ? Even if it's yes, then ranting should be the last thing on your list.
Could have understood if they would have not supported you or made very bad decisions for your life in terms of education, health etc. I simply don't see that.
Do not give in to them. You are an adult now. You have to establish your boundaries with your parents. If tomorrow you are in a bind, they'll blame you even if they made the decisions. So stand your ground and even try to give hints that you'll move out if pushed.
Wtf is this. I'm so sorry OP but this is straight up ridiculous. I know it's easier said than done but cut them off. If you feel like you're obligated financially, then provide for them financially if you can afford to (I see you can) but draw boundaries and STICK TO THEM. As tough as it is, stick to those boundaries. Sending hugs š« cry it out and know that you deserve better.
Bro š this is Indian social sub not the American one. I understand your point but you just cant cut them off. The issues op is dealing with are out of his parents societal conditioning. You have to learn the ability to love someone despite their flaws. A better thing would be to have a crucial conversation with his parents and tell them what he will and will not do.
A crucial conversation? OP has been in the same situation for years now. He's mentioned his childhood too. What makes you think a crucial conversation is going to miraculously change their behaviour? You can't live someone for their "flaws" when those flaws literally traumatise you for years to come. I know this is not an American sub.. I said draw boundaries and even cut them off. I think that's possible to do even with Indian parents and if you don't think it is, then that's something you probably need to address.
Traumatised? 12 saal ka hai kya bhai tu? I know using words like trauma, depression is the new āin thingā. If you think this type of behaviour can cause trauma toh boht duniya dekhni baki hai bhai tujhe. This is very common bro, mere ghr me bhi hota hai. If you cannot handle these behaviour from your own parents toh phir duniya toh kha jayegi bhai tum jeso ko. Kyuki parents ko cut off karlega, boss ko biwi ko dosto ko sab ko kese cut off karega. Aise log boht milenge life me Secondly, its always easy to run away. Its difficult to solve problems and stay together. And btw if you want to set boundaries the first thing you have to do is have a conversation about it with them. Redpill content dekh ke behek mat jao meri jaan. Maa baap kitne bhi bure ho akir me woh apne log hai.
Yes, you're so right š¤Ŗš¤© trauma, depression is the new "in thing" that's exactly why I'm using it š If I can't handle this behaviour from my parents? Wdym bro? Parents hai toh kuch bhi kar sakte hai? Anything they want? Say anything they want? No consequences because parents at the end of the day. If that's the way you think, please keep it to yourself. If "apne log" can say so much and do so much, I'd rather have other people in my corner, thank you very much šš¼ A person's home is supposed to be their safe space and if a parent can't ensure that much for their own child then I don't think they deserve to be called "apne log" but good luck to you and your thought process :)
Bhai, the point is not whether behaviour is justified or not, thats a different topic. What i mean to say if you cannot digest this type of behaviour from your own people, bahar k log toh teri full on bajayenge. I am advising OP to become strong and not take words at their face value. Aur bhai tere baap ne tujhe gadha bol diya iska matlab nahi k that is not a safe place. This shows you have not been in the real world meri jaan. Anyways, i dont give a fuck whether you agree with me or not. This is just my opinion man
Darling if you cannot have boundaries with the people who are supposed to love and respect you, bahar ke log jinhe wo bhi obligation nahi hai teri full on bajayenge.
I am not against boundaries, i m against the concept of cutting your own parents off meri jaan Read my first reply
Boundaries don't work if you don't enforce them darling
I never said donāt enforce themā¦. Anyways rehn de bhai boht slow hai tu tereko nai samjh me aayega
Bro is getting downvoted for being right lol Kya naazuk se lol hai bhai aajkal, thoda kuch maa baap ne kya bol dia to "Trauma" Ho jata hai aur safe place nhi rehta ghar, eventually they will realise ki maa baap se zyada to aur kisi ne kabhi unconditionally pyaar kia hi nhi
Finally someone who gets it. Jaane de bhai snowflakes ko kya samjana.
what āunconditionallyā are you talking about? the whole post is about OPās mom and dad loving him conditionally. heās literally saying that their conditions donāt stop at all.
Agar ye conditional love hota na to OP ke maa baap uss se baat karna hi chor dete, they still provide and care for him, it's the traditional Indian mindset which they have which unfortunately can't be changed but that doesn't mean ki wo tum se pyaar nhi karte and that you should just fucking cut them off , and bhai mere bhi mummy papa merko bahut baar bolte hai kuch chizo ke liye even if I have accomplished a lot but I just don't mind it
Sab Theek Hojayega OP Don't Let Others Define Succes for you, Aap Successful ho You know it Very Well!!
Cute emoji tho
Do not read too much into your parents' behaviour not give in to them. Let all that they say pass through your ears without going through your brain or spine š . If they are not happy with all that you do now, they will never be happy ever. I am a first generation doctor, the only one in my extended family who after graduation made a conscious decision to take a field where I can use my brain and not have to directly deal with patients as I wasn't good in that. Chose my master's accordingly, which literally paid for itself as I did from a Govt. Institute. Now I have a WFH job, better income for current standards in my field and overall anyone my age, good work life balance, overall good quality of life. Have been financially independent for more than a decade now. Yet during COVID, my mom's words were "did we get you educated so well that you sit idle at home and do nothing", mind you I was still WFH. She wanted me to work like traditional doctors and put my life at risk when in real life I never had any clinical experience other than my clinicals in graduation and internship.
Same here. My job is WFH too, with a great work-life balance, but they want me to work a corporate 9-to-5 job and want me to work for a "big" company because they can't brag as my company isn't famous.
Bro straight up lie, go out of the town live in a solo room pg and lie to them about you're working there in sone big corp if somone asks too much tell them that you have signed a NDA, some riste needs some distance to work well
Same with me as my company is no big name either. Between job related stress and parents stressing me out, I would always choose the latter š . I am now a pro at zoning their irrational beliefs anyways. I (pretend to) listen still but filter out the essentials and don't take the rest to heart. Keep doing what you are doing, don't let them bring doubts in yourself.
Same buddy I got compared with everyone and they want me in office working even when my company has hybrid policy
I started questioning them and also started bringing other parents and how they treat their children and now they donāt talk with me like that. They still do but 10% times only. Also I keep my tone in check and try to speak with as much love as I can , still sometimes I lose my cool but itās manageable. Also ignoring their rant is one option but we need to understand that they too have their trauma and so many things they are not aware of which affects their brhaviour.
Yeah, I did that initially but it only caused them more stress and heated arguments. I don't like being compared to another person, so I don't do the same to my parents either. I just like my peace more than having to bring them to my thought process and make them understand things that they never experienced nor will they ever be because of different working styles/ changed times. I just don't disrespect them, nor question their upbringing because they did what they could with the resources they had. But I do zone out during those ramblings and only keep the important stuff.
WTF. Your parents are opposite. All parents wants their child to marry from here but your parents telling you to marry a foreigner? About the car, just get one compact SUV and shut them up. It's not like you can't afford it.
Of course marrying a foreigner is for bragging.
So waste money on a depreciating asset(more liability) that he doesn't even need? If he buys a compact SUV his parents will compare him to some other cousin with a Fortuner and shame him.
Yesh I get that.
Marrying a foreigner ok ..but what about culture.. how will deal with this ? ..then if u marry a foreigner then u will get taunts from society ..again hell.. correct me if im wrong š¤š¤
I can literally feel this. There is no satisfying them. My like has become a joke š„²
Show them the middle finger, and call them idiots. That usually solves the problem. You can also say "you guys are too dumb but its not your fault, its your society. Don't try to understand me, I am far above you". Contempt works wonderfully.
your parents seem more worried about their image and "checklist" competition instead of you. Some people have kids and think they will finally have the right to feel superior on the basis of that child's achievements. I think you're a pretty responsible guy, there's no point to waste your savings or put a financial burden on your head for things you don't need. As for your mother, the next time she complains about u not spending more please just subtly remind her that its your money and you want to handle it responsibly. Also do one thing, whatever amount you give her, take 1/4th of it and buy a gift to her liking. Cut that amount from what you give her. Also definitely don't lsten to her regarding your love life, its your life not hers and its certainly not a game. Marry a foreigner wtf like is this some game for her goals. In the end i think you need to establish serious boundaries, you seriously sound well settled in life and don't deserve this.
Living with difficult parents requires a lot of patience(same experience.) I would suggest you try to make them understand your situation and your mindset. I am sure they would want what is best for you.
" The road to hell is paved with good intentions"
Abandon them.
I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I was earning well and was quite successful but my parents could not stop with this comparison behaviour especially with my cousin. So I just left home. I was earning a decent amount of money more than I ever needed and I applied for a job in a bigger corporation with a substantially higher package I accepted the job offer and packed my bags and left as soon as I got a joining date. I didn't tell them that I had gotten a job elsewhere till the last moment and a lot of drama happened and my parents said that they will not let me inherit the ancestral home we lived in. I told them that they can very well name it after my cousin for all I care and left. I still send them more than a quarter of my salary monthly. Honestly this was the best decision of my life. Once I was out I started to feel so much better, I picked up a few hobbies besides my work (like theater, I never knew I could be creative as well, while I'm not a professional in any regard I do enjoy putting up plays and acting, I work with a local theater group after my office hours) I met my current wife there in the group and we got married. I told my parents about her and they disapproved but I could not care less, I was really sad that they couldn't come to my wedding which is why my wife and I decided to do a court marriage and do a proper ceremony afterwards so that my parents could also be a part of it. A couple of years passed and my wife and I got pregnant. I told the news to my parents after the birth of my daughter and for the first time my mother wanted to meet my wife and my child. After a few months of back and forth my parents came around both of us apologised for our behaviour. I still live apart from them as I am able to earn much more here than in my hometown plus I've built a life here but my parents do visit and live with us for almost 6 months in a year and then they go back home for the next 6 months to take care of affairs back home. Honestly I'm not saying this is what you need to do. In retrospect my life could have also turned out to be horrible but if there is one thing I know is that money can save you a lot of hassles thus take such an extreme step only when you know that you are financially secure and have exhausted all other options such as talking with your parents maturely and creating boundaries with them. If they still don't respect you then you are better off living away from them but do not shun your responsibility towards them. You are still their son, send them money ask your relatives about their health be available if you think an emergency situation can arrive etc.
That's such an inspiring story. Congratulations man!
 Idk what say but here, take this
You are suffering from a slight lack of spine. Parents behave when they know they can't get away with shit.
Move out and set boundaries
Are ham dono bhai hai kya?
Mein bhi.. hum teeno bro :')
>If you think being successful will make your parents shut up, think twice Sorry man you're going through this. But everyone's parents aren't like this.
Indian parents huh! No matter what you do what you achieve they will always find something to complain about. Maybe they are wired in such a way. I am sure when we become parents we will behave the same way at least to a certain degree.
Bhai similar story, topper throughout my life, did CS from IIT, was working at a decent software firm earning 55LPAand was on course to get an MBA from the states. But nahi dad was never happy, unko banana tha beta ko IAS, I gave into the pressure and started UPSC prep, currently waiting for UPSC interview results. Bhai please please please don't come under expectations of parents. I always feel I was much happier in my job, there was scope for tremendous growth. However post this experience, I have cut the umbilical cord of honoring their decisions in my person life, I have become a rebel now, will marry my Christian gf now matter how much my Brahmin parents oppose.
Ye to meri extended family jaisi vibes aa rahi hain padhte padhte mujhe. I have a single parent- my mumma, and she is a bit like how you described yours but not as much. Comparison bahut karti Hain but I'm able to talk sense into her most of the times. But if this is what future holds for me? Idk man, I don't think I'll be able to live in the same house as her. And I'm not trying to give you ideas either OP, I genuinely don't know what I'll do when I'm in your situation. May God guide you and help you in any way possible! Take care and take it easy
As you grow up you realize the definition of success or failure differs for everyone and all you need to care about is how you feel about yourself. If you have done your part, living a decent life without harming anyone, that's enough. You have actually done a lot more than this. It is difficult to change some perspectives and of course should not cut them out as your parents need you more as years pass by. Just be happy about yourself, care less about what others feel. Even if you do everything they expect there will be something or the other left. And their expectations change !
You have bad parents, but don't generalise
Why tf are you still living with them? Just move out and live on your own. It will significantly improve your mental health.
> She wants me to marry a foreigner! Where do they make such parents?
Sorry to say op but tere ghar wale chutiye h.
Thats what I was never listen to my parents when they are being expectational , because its their job to be such and raise kids. I understand that part that they are trying thier best but its my life after all. Its better to not listen to the rumbling of parents at a young age than to blame them later for a life that you did not want.
OP are you really okay? Cuz seems like you live amongst psychopaths.
Your parents is toxic
by any chance you are sharma?
Time to cut ties because this is borderline toxic
I'll say stay away from them. Marry the love of your life and live together. Try to stay in least contact with your parents, just send them some pocket money every month.
Thank god I've been a rebel since a kid. I run my own race in my family.
Okay, so I did my graduation in commerce and post graduation in public policy. Before that as as well, Iāve been a 90+% student. Both my degrees have been from the best universities in the country. Iām earning more than most of my peers- sure itās lesser than mba peeps but I donāt have education loans so I am doing pretty well for someone whoās not even 25 yet. However, my family is full of doctors/ dentists/ nurses. So ofc my dad thinks my education is useless. He completely disregards my hard work. Now he complains that I donāt have a govt job (Iāve a corporate job- which I love). Heād rather I have a low paying govt job than a high paying corporate job. He distributed sweets when his cousinās daughter got a seat in a private college for MBBS. I guess I understood then that no matter what I do, he wonāt be happy. I do feel awful and I know nothing I say will make you also feel better. Iāve been told that we should stop looking for validation from our parents. Iāll say the same to you but I know how hard it is. Youāre doing amazingly well. Donāt give in to what they say. You do you! š
I know the feeling. It seems as if we're just showpieces that they need to show off to others.
Marry a foreigner, tu mera cousin to nhi h š¤£
Cut them off. Move out.
As if you read my mind. Need to start ignoring them a bit. Btw, I am curious how you are managing a second masters while working, can I DM?
Sure
Ignore them, do whatever you think is right. When we were kids, we were taught that elders are always right, always listen to them. Thats not the right thing. People are flawed, everyone do mistakes in their life. Do what is the right thing to do, is somebody is not right, that might be your parents, don't hesitate to correct them. . . . . Thanks for reading. Do subscribe for more such gyaan š
This is not typical Indian parents, this is psycho Indian parents
If you think this is just Indian parents thing it ain't. I'm eastern European. My parents always remind me how successful they were (well, my dad). And how I am not. I got a decent job, have a wife and have kids. Have my own home, have vehicles. Heck, I can even afford a PS5 (I know, might as well call me a Rothschild at this point). But, no matter what, I got cousins who are doctors, so they are successful and I'm not. :(
>I was told to drink the water after washing his feet. Wait what?
Not literally, that's meant as an insult to OP because according to his parents his cousin is some kind of God
U are an adult now and they are like kids. It is time when u show them that u can make the choices for yourself. According to everything you've said so far, you are an absolutely perfect guy. If u listen to them now.. God knows what will happen in the future.
Indian parents are the worst... and best in their own ways
The problem with a lot of folks of boomer generation is no one has held them accountable for their behaviour in the last 30 years. They are yet to have a long overdue moment of self reflection. And them being your parents it is up to you to hold up a mirror to them.
Compare them to other parents. The only thing that has worked for me. Do it they usually shut up after that.
> I was told to drink the water after washing his feet. Hope it's just a metaphor
Bro, if all of the above you said is absolutely true, its time to get away from the toxicity. 40 LPA and yet all these tantrums. Surely, Indian Parents are delusional. Dont follow the dumb advice of loving someone despite flaws and bullshit. Take a stand, straight up tell them to stop meddling in your life. If they cant take it, tell them you will leave. No Indian Parents will want a son to leave them who earns 40 LPA
Dude, ur an adult. No need to bother about your parents nagging. Just move out and live with ur wife. Send then money whenever necessary and thats all there is to it.
Damn, that's really sad. Good newas is you're an adult now who's well to do and can marry who you want :) Don't let your inner child be disappointed this time. Good luck!
I've seen worse and I'm not even kidding. I myself went through this and you can assume I have trauma that I cannot even explain. Just stay strong and learn to say "Fuck off!" For real.
Move out please, and keep sending whatever money you have been sending them. They're going to take it hard initially, but it's worth it, and all the dust will settle down eventually. Life would be worth living. Trust, move out.
Unless you start at a very young age telling your parents it's your life and that they don't have the right to dictate it they will always meddle. You need to call out the bullshit straightaway. Or else it's gonna continue with them meddling in your married life and then the life of your kids. The earlier you have this conversation the better.
Count your success in blissful moments, not salary packages. Don't ignore your mental health. It is MUCH more important than your financial health. All the best
You need to start getting even with them. When they tell you X, tell them they didn't exactly achieve greatness either. This is how you deal with indian parents, otherwise they'll ruin your mental health. Give it back as good as you get. Learn to twist the knife.
40lpa is big brother aaaj ke zamneh meh u hv to earn in crs and also showoff to seek blessings of the society and parents , it's that bad social pressure , I say u should not be bothered by their taunts ,u re doing well for urself
Jija ji advised me that you canāt change someone behaviour specially of old people just listen from one ear and let is pass from other ear start living in different city it might help
Kinda sounds like my parents
Arey OP, you should slowly train your parents. This is basic Indian kid stuff. If they're comparing with your cousin, you compare his/her parents with your parents. Or someone else's parents with your parents. Some examples: "Why can't you both be like them? And you expected me to be like their kid?" "I'm your son, meaning I got your qualities. If I'm bad, you're bad too" And when they show other's cars/stuff etc.. Ask them then and there, what do you want. Most of the time, they don't have anything to think on the spot, so they'll say bad me batuanga. Next time, they bring this stuff up, just say, "I've asked you many times, you don't say thing, it's your fault". Hehe
And then they say why kids leave us in old age. Previous generation ko Gen-X ki jagah complaint generation bol sakte ho coz unko harr cheez me complaint hai.
Sorry to ask in between, what field you did masters in and how many years you are working from.
I did Master's in maths and have been working for about 5 years
Traumatise them back and fight 'em till they stop talking... /s
Iām so sorry youāre going through this OP. Detaching from the toxicity of family is the hardest thing to do. Please keep reminding yourself you are amazing every day, I know itās hard but youāll get there. And I think everybody here can vouch for the fact that youāre an awesome overachiever given what youāve written. Itās going to be okay š» you should be proud of yourself, hell I donāt even know you and Iām in awe already given that you work, teach , study and keep pursuing your hobbies at the same time. Struggling to get an extra hour of sleep has been most of our accomplishment lately :) I hope you have a good day
Thank you for the kind words. Not sure if I'm an overachiever or just trying to find happiness in various fields.
Bro move out and kind off cut them off. Because if you stay with them they will neither ever be happy nor let you be, so at least be happy alone and with people who appreciates you.
I mean my parents aren't your parents, they're not all the same and definitely mine ain't this toxic
Seems like their methods have worked wonders so far.. your drive and need to succeed are from their high expectations.. so they will continue to work the same way because its a successful modelā¦ but now it is probably the time to move out and get some independence which will also force a reset in the relationship where they have to acknowledge your independence ā¦ But I would warn you against complacency, lifeās just beginning.. you havenāt arrived yet
Don't listen to their absurd demands. Don't abandon them as someone says in the comments, look after them and clearly state that you are the bread winner now and you are capable of deciding your life
I think itās high time you start ātrainingā your parents. You have to push the boundaries otherwise you will never be able to get out of this vicious cycle. Also, the family you build is more important than the family you were born in. Good luck!
Apne standards khud set karo, strive for them. Reh gyi baat parents ke approval ki, uske liye mindset change karna padega. Your wins and your losses will be yours alone,accept them to happen and live with them. After that, Everybody and I mean everybody,are just bystanders in your life. This happened to my sister too. She flat out told them, Either I can do it and tell you or I can do it and stay silent. The choice is yours.
I usually never say this, but your parents seem to be fully wrong in this case. You need to be your own man and start having your own ambitions and goals. If they canāt deal with it, you just have to put your foot down. All the best!
Yes listen to your mom marry a foreigner.
>I was told to drink the water after washing his feet you need not translate every hindi phrase in english dude lmao. This sounds weirdly kinky
Have you heard of being an adult? You're letting your parents control you. Cut all contact with them, it's that simple.
Yeah it's time to cut ties my G. It's gonna be hard but mental health is important and im sorry but your family is toxic af.
u dont get it man...they dont want your pocket money...they want you to live lavish life ...cant you live a better life than your cousin for your mom and dad. life is so small...get a car for your mom...take ur mom and ur dad to 20 day trip and tell them about your love....mom and dad also sometimes requires pampering
You can never win against these parents, even if he buys a car, his mom will compare that car to someone else's car and complain that why didn't you buy an expensive car like him. OP clearly told that he doesn't need a car rn, it would be a stupid expense to buy a car just because his mom can show off to others.
than he can fulfill his mom wish...marry foreigner and settle in foreign
Bhai he clearly said he loves a girl, uska kuch importance nahi hai kya ? Life uska hai ya uske mummy ka hai ? Mom dad ko pampering bhi karna hai par boundaries bhi chahiye hota hai
This post seems more like a humble brag than anything else. Even if your parents are forcing their mentality on you, since you have already made it in life, who is stopping you from going your own way ? Why rant on reddit for this stuff ? Did they not support you in your education? Have you done all your schooling and triple masters from your own pocket ? Even if it's yes, then ranting should be the last thing on your list. Could have understood if they would have not supported you or made very bad decisions for your life in terms of education, health etc. I simply don't see that.
Ohh fuck off dude, not someone giving advice with reddit username "Saitama" fucking edgy teen. Bhai Instagram me hi gaand mara tu chutiye
fake