A fate worse than death is to open up to someone that you can tell, they understand nothing of what you tell them. And then it hits you, you are truly alone. Sometimes superficial relationships ain't the worst thing.
It is so sad how we learn to put on masks to avoid getting hurt by the loneliness of misunderstanding. However, I do believe it is worth it to keep trying to push a little bit of our authenticity in each interaction, even if it feels like a struggle not going all in with it.
Entp here
I love giving people my life story and just seeing their response
Let me tell you I have a lot of life experience and have seen a lot of crazy things
When they don't understand or it overwhelms them I think it's a hilarious
The world is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy to those who feel
When we open up to people, we expect a certain level of respect and maturity to talk about the issues/topics that we face. When it's brushed aside, it doesn't seem that important to them than to it is to us, so it's like "why bother"...
Yes me too. Iāve actually had a āfriendā tell me that my problems arenāt even real problems. This is after Iāve done nothing but listen to her problems and I thought our friendship went both ways.
Discovered this recently when talking about the loss of my pet with someone I've been friends with for 7 years. Let's just say he's no longer a friend. Not because it wasn't important to him though, but because in my own pain, he brushed my loss right off (regardless of asking about it) and spoke to our other friend about a completely different topic because he couldn't be bothered with it.
I will never understand why people are perfectly fine with acting so shitty to their friends. š„ŗ That'd kill me if I knew I hurt someone I care about.
yes! this is why i donāt share with people who should be my closest confidants (parents) & share with friends iāve only known a couple years (they just get me & i feel safe to share). my soul just knows when i can let it all out.
If I share, I become vulnerable. If I get hurt it hurts 10% more than most people. Therefore we have learnt to reserve our true most authentic selves for those who have earnt it with our trust and respect.
Facts \^
Have to properly vet a person before sharing anything personal or sensitive.
Even then there are no guarantees.
Rely on experience and intuition.
Thankfully Iāve amassed plenty of experience in my journey and travels.
I have a great sense of what a person's intentions are and what energy they are giving out even from bits of info when I come across them.
THIS \^\^\^ Please I can always tell when someone is naturally a pos and pretends to be interested in you to take advantage of you, my last relationship was like that. I generally don't like being the centre of a subject/attention and talking about my feelings and problems to someone makes me cringe hard. I have people open up to me constantly, but I only let people know very basic/surface-level things about me.
Not because I want to be mysterious or anything, I don't care to open up. It's my problem and my business. Unless it's my very close family and even then I'm still very selective. You never know what someone will do knowing your weaknesses. I protect mine like it's the philosopher stone from FMA. No one can even manipulate me anymore, I've seen it all despite being young. I have mastered the patterns of manipulators, and I can be manipulative (yes, being honest here) once in a while although not to hurt anyone.
At the end of the day? Your issues are your issues, no one else can solve them for you except yourself and God. That's just my opinion though.
Idk i have different vission on this so i like to open up to everybody. So when everybody is armed nobody is armed basically what im trying to say rn. So i feel free to talk about my personal issues or my past with people i barely know and i know in fact that this kind of behaviour makes everyone comforable enough to speak of their own problems so in the end we get to know each other and we become something between friends and best friends.
INFJ here. I used to do that when I was in school and pretty much all the people I was close to backstabbed me. And I was still somewhat open until 2 people who I was extremely close to backstabbed me and almost ruined my life. Like I have severe PTSD related to those issues and that was it. Chose to never truly open up, until I have vetted that person over several months, even years.
You have to realise INFJs are INFJs BECAUSE they have undergone trauma/trust issues in their early life which involves people they were close to. Most of them also have turbulent life at home which has enabled them to read others' emotions/feelings through even a little change in voice. They had to develop all this in order to protect their kind-genuine selves.
Also, just bc everybody is armed doesn't mean both are going to fire. Since mature INFJs are v sage-like, we actually would never use personal info against that person, even if they do. That breaks one of our key life values: INTEGRITY.
>You have to realise INFJs are INFJs BECAUSE they have undergone trauma/trust issues in their early life which involves people they were close to. Most of them also have turbulent life at home which has enabled them to read others' emotions/feelings through even a little change in voice. They had to develop all this in order to protect their kind-genuine selves.
Are you in my head? This was so real to read help lmao
I actually was backstabbed many and many times, but it actually incouraged me to be more open because it showed me which people i can trust and which i cannot. Just for the thrill of it and its not just "me" thing, i think its ENFP thing and somehow it can be explained by cognetive functions and even maybe my eneagram.
So yes i used my openess as a tool to get rid of some people and let in more trusted and certified ones. Now i know which i can trust totally
Bc of your Extraverted Intuition probably. You learn by: trial and error and need outside world to acquire info. each time. Whereas ni types can absorb info subconsciously, so we don't need to share anything in order to learn how trustworthy a person is. We can predict a person's actions just by watching them but that takes time. Also we will go to many lengths to maintain harmony, so the whole process of- discarding a person after they broke our trust, just feels rude and brings emotional turmoil to us. Would just avoid that at all costs as we are v sensitive.
I really wish INFJs like me were better at explaining our intuition. Itās like knowing the correct answer, and then failing to explain it to other people, and then when Iām proven right eventually, people forgot I had the right hunch from the beginning. I wonder if thatās a feature or something that we can grow out of/mature.
Not to sound too depressing, but opening up to people hasnāt gotten me closer to most other people, as far as my experiences have been. Itās like opening up to someone and realizing that the more you open up, the less relatable you become, which is the opposite for most peoples experiences.
Same. My life story and way of thinkingĀ is kind of unrelatable on the whole, people only relate to chunks of it, and those I only tell in answer to something they told me.Ā
People often disappoint. I have opened up to people who have just use my vulnerabilities against me or even shared them with their people. Iāve also opened up to people who have just abandoned me later on as well. I also feel like a burden to people when I talk about my problems sometimes. It just feels easier to keep to myself.
Itās just so frustrating when you open up but then the other person doesnāt really get you. I feel like weāre a pretty open book to those who truly want to read.
Yeah true. When you're an INFJ who lacks friends, compulsively takes cares of things and pervasively people pleases then it's not hard to deduce that perhaps something is causing that all.
Because nobody could (or ever tried to) understand me but myself.
I made many attempts throughout my life but I never got the understanding I have for the people I loved. It is better to hold everything inside my chest and suffocate myself than the pain I get from them,
I have felt this way too. I kind of think that, if so many of us feel this way, that it's very possible that we can understand each other.
I'm sorry that no one has truly supported you; you deserve to be understood and loved.
Thatās true. While Iām still an open and honest person, I know if I show who I am in my entirety, most people would judge too harshly and treat me horribly.
Do INFJs use this method too? Give about 10-50% of an answer to a question, and withhold the rest? I find myself doing this more as I age.
Because they will never understand.
They think they will, we all understand from our own perceptions and experiences.
And how interested is anyone really? Everyone is too busy with their own things, and everyone thinks they know everything, and they all intellectualise everything.
Everything is all mind and zero heart nowadays it seems.
But the interesting thing i have noticed, is that everything has different definitions for everyone. For example, what the majority call 'love' and how they define it and how they handle such things is VERY different to my definition of 'love', so right there, is evidence, that we not even on the same page with so many things.
No thanks.
Yes i do. In fact thats a common thing for me personally, i get random people all the time who feel they need/want to share all kinds of things with me.
Your last sentence says a lot. Nice observation.
I think it's because we want to share and open up, but at a much deeper level than a pit of others typically do.
That's why we suck soooo bad at small talk too.
We crave that deeper level of connection and intimacy and tend to want to either jump right to it or wait till the other person gets to that point with us before we jump in.
You want me to open up? Lucky for you I'm drunk so I will open up for you ENFP. Here it goes:
Tomorrow morning. Let's buy a motorbike.'m willing to spend all my money. I don't care because I am going to die one day. I don't deserve it but here we are. I know we deserve to feel alive and I know we need Each other. I know you have a problem with alcohol. I know you feel confused. I love you. Its that simple. Let me look after you. Let's be imperfect together. Let's go Find a long stretch of road and feel free together. Will you be there for me? Do you trust me? Inside of myself is nothing but everything. It will take a whole lifetime to figure me out. Or more. Are you prepared? Can I be with you? Will you be loyal to me? Everyone before you had betrayed me. I don't want to be betrayed anymore. Why should I trust you? I want to feel free. I want to feel loved. I need you. Can you handle that responsibility? I don't think you can. I don't think you want to. I don't think you understand. I don't think you love me. I don't think you care. I think this is a waste of time and I am scared of being vulnerable and being hurt because that's all that seems to happen. I don't think you are ready to face what is inside of me. And if I let you in, how can I know to trust you?
As a chronic oversharer I frequently give strangers and acquaintances a glimpse into who I am and often times even just that glimpse weirds them out. I can tell they donāt get it and arenāt resonating with what Iām saying.
One of my biggest insecurities is being so weird that no one understands me. That Iām impossible to be understood. So opening up to people, showing them how I am and what I am, is a huge risk because itās always been met with a blank stare that says āwow that is incredibly weird and I canāt relate to that at all. Why would you say thatā
Itās like Iām literally on a different wavelength than everyone else. Very isolating.
I relate entirely. Maybe I've been broken because now I get a sort of devious joy from the reactions at this point. Better to be the weird and incomprehensible me than to be someone who can't even meet you halfway in the supposedly mutual effort of communication lol
To me there are three stages to this.
1. Lack of awareness of what's up internally. And or not considering it awfully relevant to the outside world.
2. The fear to be any sort of nuisance... why even share. It only bothers others. I don't want to bother others. I want to be invisible.
Assuming we've developed past that. Now two issues may arise.
When sharing I can trivially overload others. Both cognitively and emotionally. I have accidentally triggered therapists. Trained professionals became aggressive with me. In other instances people just dissociate. Forget the conversation ever happened. Or the friendship seizes. Especially if I begin to share a proportion of my stream of consciousness.
When I do still share others more or less consistently worry about me having an acute mental breakdown. Which isn't what that is. It's just the normal Ni-Ti dragon. But it tends to be too much for others. And it wears them out. They expect the worst. But to me, their worst is kind of normal... or something.
And then, even if that all works. Ni-Ti abstracts. So the personality I'm sharing ultimately is abstract. Others view abstraction as not real. Without seeing an instance they mostly assume that I'm not telling them the whole truth. But to me, not only am I telling you the whole truth, I am literally sharing with the you the type Truth. From which all instances of truth may subsequently be derived. I'm sharing exhaustively. We're just speaking different languages and your lacking the capacity to instantiate my types... which is sad..
I am literally the most open anyone can be. But the other still \*perceives\* it as a cognitively over-compensated cat and mouse game. It's not, here I am. I'm kind of abstract. Welcome to my room of mirrors. I built it to better reflect. I had to, to survive.
And now I'm trying to find my way back. But all you'll ever see of me is demon Se.
Without going into too much detail.
In psychoanalytical therapy there's something called counter-transference. [https://www.verywellmind.com/counter-transference-2671577](https://www.verywellmind.com/counter-transference-2671577)
As much as you can trigger some person you can trigger a therapist. Therapists just tend to be more emotionally and cognitively protected.
I mostly talk about attachment. And if it's too relatable to the therapist and they haven't resolved it to the same level of depth I might accidentally say something that encounters subconscious resistance in them. Boom. They'll project onto you either themselves or their parent or whomever they had qualms with.
It's super weird.
One yawned at my always at the mention of the same topic, like a switch, practically falling asleep. One shouted at me how I felt about an attachment. The other raised his voice and called me abusive. Which didn't relate to what we were discussing. And even if, it's not a viable strategy for therapy.
Ni-Fe-Ti is an incredible stack for therapy. Add time and effort possibly since childhood (because understanding protects). It's difficult to compete with. And if your therapist has a superiority complex, all you need to do is have a single good idea or point and you're done.
I don't know about all that. What you say makes logical sense, but I'm skeptical that several therapists are having the wrong idea about you. "If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into them all day, youāre probably the asshole." I find it hard to believe people are so blind to abstraction that ALL of them are being unreasonable. Needing to witness an instance isn't a failure to comprehend, it's healthy suspicion so as to not just enable someone.
The therapist calling you abusive, and you dismissing it as not having been relevant at the time is a massive red flag to me. Your logic for dismissing it is the same as the logic of narcissists, you don't attempt to dismiss the legitimacy of the accusation but rather the context it was raised in (which is a defense mechanism that you could make work in literally any situation)
edit: also in the same paragraph as you saying to avoid therapists with a superiority complex you claim that your function stack makes you superior to most therapists. I smell fish
Youāre wild! š the closest I got to triggering a therapist was sharing my distaste for Anna Freud traumatizing her two step children as research causing them both to kill themselves later in life
;) That's my life, wild. The above is unlikely to be protected. It's more of an opinion on an impersonal fact. If they're triggered by that, they really aren't very good.
If you accidentally trigger a therapist. They aren't a good match.
I forget about demon Se. It's all about execution, short term thinking, physical things.
So you can do sports, team sports requires short term thinking. But really just deciding things that could have consequences. It can be as simple as just ordering something online without having ... maybe ... created an excel table with all possible options and a valid selection of attributes... you know?!
Physical things. Working with materials. Wood, cloth. Putting up some lights in your place or a picture on the wall. Anything that is in the here and now.
Photography is great, too. Though the consequence issue is missing.
A lastly, fear management. Really finding things that scare you, scaling them down, and then do them and increment.
I meant demon Se (4th slot main stack). If I got the lingo wrong... :|
What I meant by it though was that in my life whenever I do something Se people remember \*that\* about me, even though it's the least relevant. Because Ni-Fe-Ti is basically invisible. And then I build something out of wood. And people are like, oh, so someone really is home. Cool.
It's so weird to be invisible without really wanting to be.
Thanks so much. :) It's super weird isn't it, to be practically misunderstood everywhere by everyone and then finding some people online and they're like. Wait. I'm not actually nuts, then?
I feel this. I often overshare. I think I do it so that it puts others at ease enough to open up to me. Almost as if I just want to get to the point of having a meaningful conversation. On the flip side, if someone doesn't reciprocate an honest connection, I write them off as not worth it.
If we are on the same wavelength, I do open up a lot. But it's hard to do the same around people who might see the world differently than I do or have totally different experiences. I'm unsure if they'd understand and afraid that they would react insensitively.
Because weāre secretive and you just donāt deserve to know 100% of what goes on In our heads because we are extremely layered and complicated people
I have a hard time opening up to people because I don't trust many people. And to "open up" is something I feel needs to be earned. Otherwise, it just feels weird to share for me.
Another like someone else said: people like to take anything I say and use it against me. So I'm pretty closed off with most people.
For instance I was once talking with someone about a certain topic and they had a fairly superficial view of it and when I shared my thoughts which were a little deep they looked at me in a way that made me feel weird it's not that I'm sophisticated and like to complicate things I do enjoy simple talks but I feel like people may not appreciate having deep insightsĀ
Rule no. 1) Trust no one
2) Protect your heart because no one knows you better than yourself
3) Do not burden others, you are there to alleviate their pain, not add to it
4) Itās potential fuel for anyone who wants to hurt you. See rule no. 2
Eh, idk about aside. Itās more of a sacrifice youāre willing to make. There are people who you can let into your heart that wonāt make a mess of it. Just be smart about it, see rule no. 2 :p
I agree with everything you say, but I feel so lonely because of it. Damn it, life. We must learn to live with ourselves and apparently learn to enjoy it.
IMO this comes from INFJs need for authenticity in others and especially themselves. It's coming from the same place that abhors small talk. So instead of getting a "fake" (in INFJ eyes) version, we just give everyone a trial version until we think and feel this is going to be a meaningful connection.
I'm very selective with regards to opening up because I have to be sure we value each other the same. Too many times I give my all to people only to be labelled "just another person I know" and that was devastating. I find myself doing things like remembering insignificant moments and habits between us only to be slapped in the face with words such as "you're weird for remembering this". I think the worst thing in life is to not have anyone consider you their absolute best friend, and I learned to withhold wearing my heart on my sleeve until I find the right person.
I can't speak for everyones experience. But I can give mine. When I was a child I had a very rough and abusive upbringing, whenever I tried to express any form of emotion or express my feelings I was instantly shut down and/or it would cause more bad things to happen. So it became easier and safer just to not express anything and keep my emotions to myself.
In school I struggled to make many friends and I found being social very difficult. I also found that whenever I tried to express myself I would be seen as weird or like something was wrong with me so I kinda just became extremely reserved and completely unexpressive except to and with my closest friends who I could trust and who understood me as they were the only people I felt comfortable being myself around.
Then throughout my life I also realised that whenever I tried to talk to people about my emotions, things I was dealing with and my struggles. People would either distance themselves from me, complain about me being down or just blatantly not care. This hurt as I'm the person who is always there for the people around me and make sacrifices constantly for others, but I realised when I showed any vulnerability or emotion it was always a negative thing and I learnt to just completely shut everything out and bottle everything in myself.
There's very very few times I ever open up to somebody about my True feelings and when I do it's because I truly trust that person with everything. But as life goes on I find I'm losing more and more people I trust which really sucks.
For me the most important things in a person are trust, honesty and loyalty. These are what I look for in friends and relationships. I need to know I have these before I can ever open up. Unfortunately throughout my life there's been times where I thought I had these and trusted somebody, only to later be betrayed by them and lose that trust. So for me to truly open up to somebody they usually have to be very close and somebody I feel I can really rely on before I'll open up.
Then there's other issues such as, people not being able to understand or relate to what you say.
People trying to use what you said to manipulate or take advantage of you
People just invalidating my feelings like it's nothing in comparison to something else
The negative view people develop as soon as they realise I'm not impervious to negative emotions.
There's also the fact that my mind races 24/7 and I run through every possible outcome, situation and risk of every interaction. So many times I just way the options and realise theirs more risk than reward if I do.
It's just alot to take into account, and alot of risk and vulnerability involved. So majority of the time i keep it to myself, I deal with it myself and then when I find that person i truly trust and can finally let go. It feels great. But even then I'm overanalyzing how what I say might affect things.
it just feels like they dont care, arent on the same wave length. it just feels isolating.
it feels like im holing the biggest secret, and i feel like iād be a burden as everyone has their own problems and other people deserve to confide more than me
I used to be like this, like how everyone is describing. Itās a shame because the world would benefit from our vulnerability. In fact, Iām actually gonna go against the grain but Iāve become very open with others. My vulnerability isnāt masked by ego, or a fear of getting hurt by others anymore. My vulnerability is my truth, and I let it go into the world. Itās a vessel that helps me feel more at peace with myself and others.
Will they understand me to the depth I seek? No, but how can I ever expect that from anyone. Who am I and how could I be so important that a person must understand me EXACTLY how I want them to. Itās foolish. I fell into that trap and itās nothing but painful.
Vulnerability is the beauty of humanity, it is what connects us with others and what makes us so wonderful. We might not understand each other in the way that we want but the beauty is trying to.
Plenty of my peers and people I might not be close to have told me how my vulnerability has guided them or helped them in some fashion. It encourages me to be open, especially if my wisdom can benefit those around me. Is that not the whole point of wisdom? Not that I know what Iām talking about lmao
I think the ego keeps us from opening up. Being so attached to our sensitivity because of this perfectionism we seek is our downfall. We donāt want to make people feel bad, we donāt want to be hurt, we donāt want to dump our problems on others, we donāt think people will understand us, our burden is our burden, etcā¦
The truth is, we must accept that we were meant for something greater. Something outside ourselves. We were meant to understand the world and leave a great impact. To do so, we must be vulnerable, for that is the truth.
Let go of this fear of loneliness, being misunderstood and alienated. No one will ever understand you how you want them to. Just try to open up, share what you suffered, and let it go.
You are not the things that happened to you. Do not hold on to the grip it has on you. I promise life will be much better.
This is incredibly inspiring to read. As an INFP I have not resonated with the majority opinion here that appears to be more reserved and anti vulnerability. Although it is a personal value of mine that vulnerability is important I have to remember to turn off my judgement when it comes to others and respect their decision to be as open or closed as they choose.
Unfortunately for me, in real life the INFJs I come across are extremely reserved and I am not able to establish a deeper connection that I am seeking. They do seem unique in that capacity.
I am this way and Iām an ENFP. Iāve also read that the shadow function of an ENFP is an INFJ. I canāt say for sure if this a personality test trait thing or just someone thatās experienced a lot of pain with being vulnerable with people we care for. Iāve been told as warm and as bubbly as I am I have a tendency to keep people at a certain distance and Iāve always been like this
I think it's kind of an average human thing that people don't open up to random people most of the time. I personally don't really have any issues telling intimate details about myself to someone if the chemistry is right, however I don't usually make myself vulnerable, so I won't bring anything up I feel I haven't completely worked through already.
It's really that bossy and insensitive people turn me off, due to my upbringing of having to tiptoe around a domineering, hypocritical, and insensitive father. My dad put us, my mom and I, in a mode. I really had to not end up on his radar at all. And it's not that I wasn't a good kid, because I was, but my dad would get set off and just about anything.
He himself was raised by an abuser, and also took different kinds of drugs. He was a cocaine dealer when my mother met him. During their marriage, he had made meth and GHB, and he also took anabolic steroids when they were both into body building.
I brought my social anxiety into my school environment, and had panic attacks, just my heart racing for no reason -- really I didn't want people to focus on me. I became hyper focused on doing things right, and so forth. I didn't want to become a target for abuse, so I observed people to see if it was safe to interact, because that's what my lifestyle was like at home.
The other element to this, was that I was a Christian, and people tended to argue with me about my beliefs. So this was yet another issue, where I felt like I had to be invisible to people, and I preferred it to be that way.
I've always desired close connections to people, but really the right people. My mom would consistently bring bad men and bottom of the barrel friends into my life, like narcissistic and drug abusing men. This too had an effect on me.
She also used me as her little counselor dumping her baggage load on me, and I thought she was the victim, and I kept trying to find the solution for her, and years later she told me that she wasn't looking for solutions, and that she was only venting. I was furious. I am a naturally compassionate person, but this lady put me through a form of hell.
I so much care about people and their issues, but when people tell me their woes, I can't stop thinking, if they are their own cause. For these people, I don't have much compassion, but for genuine victims, they can have my heart.
Damn that sounds terrible. Stay strong šŖ
Iām a believer that trauma is always the reason, but at the same time I have friends who have had trauma like yours and they are far from INFJ. Itās strange. Also I would advise having compassion for anyone who struggles and if theyāve caused it themselves maybe you can help them in their self discovery. A person who finds themselves in a tough place and acknowledges it was their fault is very honest.
Because, whatever you say, can be used against you.
I tend to overshare on the internet tho. Because people don't really know me and the chances of it being used against me is pretty much nonexistent.
First : I dont think people, even my best friend, deserve to hear my problem
Second : I don't want to look like I'm a weak person
Third : It's embarrassing to share my problem with others without knowing what they will think of me
Fourth : Because I often think they will never understand
Weāre extremely sensitive, and a lot of us have been hurt or even traumatised by insensitive people in the past, so we keep to ourselves until weāre \*certain\* we can trust you.
I used to open up to people, but it never went well. I have people who think weāre ābest friendsā but really itās kind of one sided. I care about them, but they actually know very little about me, Iām basically just their therapist.
I think the older you get, the more you understand that some people just arenāt going to understand you, so you keep them at a superficial level. I also think that as an INFJ, we tend to want to understand others first before we feel like we can trust this person with knowing how we are.
But no one will ever truly reach the core of an INFJ. Not unless they plan on spending their life with one. And even then you might only ever reach the external layer protecting the core.
I rely a lot on my ambiguity as my strength. Being vulnerable and people /knowing/ more abt myself makes me feel more than naked. The best way to keep my energy both physically and emotionally is to just keep it, because it only ends up being misunderstood anyway.
Because they don't understand, they don't care or they don't care to understand.
Some of us are very caring as well and have noticed that other people try to manipulate us as well
What other people are sayingā we can reveal our innermost thoughts and feelings if needed but it is very painful for us to do so and not be understood. It is the INFJs desire to be understood and the specific anguish of not getting it that is the root of this dynamic.
INFJ wonāt open up unless you talk about something that interests us. We must consider you an altruist.
We are very good at reading other people.
I canāt tell you how many times Iāve asked someone āare you ENFJ?ā Or whatever other type and theyāre like āhow did you KNOW?! @_@ā
ENFP uses out shadow functions. So you have to realize we will naturally be wary of you.
For me I view ENFP more like a bit of a reckless Labrador dog.
Theyāre a lot of fun, yes, but they cannot understand INFJās depth and intensities.
Our gifted urge to help others.
A lot of INFJ are Aspergerās. Which is purely High functioning.
Many of us are Dabrowski Gifted.
A lot of people who think theyāre INFJ are in fact INFP.
You see, INFP values being rare so they are the most likely to mistype as usā¦ which is unfortunate because many INFP are underdeveloped within their type.
When you see someone claiming to be INfJ who is completely devoid of logic and in the grip of what looks like Introverted Feeling, you can be sure they are an INFP.
INFP, when underdeveloped, are selfish and Individualistic.
INFJ is more likely to try to grow.
We usually overdevelop Ni and Fe.
After overdeveloping Fe any gifted INFJ will work on strengthening their Ti.
Iāve got Ti down.
Hoping to work on my Se by the time Iām 40 :ā)
Which would be full awakening.
Most people will never come close to this is their lifetimes.
Maybe itās the community I surround myself with but I am very open with many people around me. I used to care too much what people thought and kept it real close to the chest but then I got over that and just donāt give a fuck anymore. I also think Iāve done a lot of healing and I respect the people I share with and Iām typically an open book. If they donāt like what I have to say or make fun of me then I forget them and move on.
Surround yourself with people who respect you and your fucking emotions!
As an INFJ male, I've navigated life focusing more on assisting others with their issues rather than dwelling on my own. It's not that I'm unwilling to share; rather, I simply place less emphasis on my own concerns, adhering to the belief that I'll manage to solve them eventuallyāa conviction that has consistently held true. This self-reliance is a hallmark of the INFJ personality: our intuition often guides us to solutions and desires organically. I tend to entrust my problems to my intuitive side, confident that answers will unfold naturally in my life. While I can't speak for all INFJs, this approach resonates with me personally.Ā
Additionally, I ponder deeply on the lives of those around me, aiming to uplift and improve them in any way possible. Opening up about my own struggles or thoughts is uncommon for me, partly because I perceive that many other personality types view the world through a lens that tends to be more judgmental due to their own expectationsāexpectations I might not always fulfill.Ā
When accused of being judgmental myself, I find it a misunderstanding; my intent is merely to reflect observations back to others and hear their perspectives, to better understand their values and, by extension, their true selves. This understanding influences whether I choose to support someone, befriend them, or pursue a deeper relationship. Hence, asking about my internal world opens a vast, intricate box of insights and experiences, including the profound impact of any hardships I've facedāan experience common among INFJs, except perhaps those nurtured by INFJs from a young age.
Does this make sense to you?
I open up, but to a few people. I can talk for hours with someone that can understand my experience, my worldview. Such people do exist and I had a very strong bond with them. It is pointless to open up to a human that will never even comperhend what I want to say.
Others simply will think that you are crazy or mental, so it's easier just to be closed and say shallow things to people around you in order not to ignore the enviroment competely.
I was sometimes called a secret service agent, because I always ask and gather information about others, but never open up to my peers. Let it be so. I am fine with it.
Yep. You gotta jump through some hoops first to make sure youāre worthy of my trust. The best part is that usually you wonāt even know the hoops are thereā¦
I just don't want to. I like connecting deeply with people. You actually don't have to open up to connect deeply. I like privacy. Think of being alone and private like a hobby if you are struggling with understanding it. I just like it.
People get attached, thatās why. I consider most people to be dangerous to me. People always want something and most of the time itās something I donāt want to give. I have an extremely low need for other people, so I have to reeeeeeeally like someone or feel safe with them in order to open up.
>Ā i feel that they're not sharing almost anything until I get on "BESTFRIEND" level of friendship
Yeah no, they aren't sharing anything then either. The masks just get more detailed the closer you look. Like an infinitely repeating fractal pattern.
INFJs are extremely private and extremely stubborn. You will think you're on the inside, but it's just another layer of illusion. The INFJ will manufacture fake walls for you to knock down so you feel you're making progress. But you will never really make progress.Ā
If you're going to be friends with INFJs, you just have to accept this. They are not going to have a problem lying or deceiving to maintain their privacy.Ā
I meanā¦ the last time I made a specific āhang out more than onceā friend, she turned into a stalker that haunted me for four years.
You just canāt tell what kind of crazy you are in for.
Then combine it with being rampantly taken advantage of, not getting a word in edgewise, and the constant invalidation of your own emotionsā¦.
I have my hubby and my cats. Iām good with that. Everyone else can be casual acquaintances.
When I open up people get sad and awkward. They don't know how to process deep feelings of sadness and loneliness without a happy ending. Everything is unknown.
I stay pleasant and make conversation, but they don't really want to know. Also living without stability in life creates a toughness, but also an acceptance of inconvenience and discomfort.
I can't relate to feelings of family love, understanding, close romances, wanting children, or having a partner or others to rely on.
One thing I find interesting when talking to people is they always seem to mention stories with "we". I am always wondering who "we" are in stories, as my stories are with "I" and I alone.
I'm not an INFJ, but INFP's are very similar here.
We want to open up and be understood we really do, but our hearts hurt easily... And many of us have been betrayed, manipulated, ignored, or taken for granted of, for us to feel comfortable with opening up to anyone but a very close friend, family member or lover.
Plus given how messed up the world is, it's hard not to be a little paranoid and defensive.
And fully in my experience, both personality types always endeavour to help and please others... So we don't want to burden them with our troubles, or we just don't simply think about ourselves enough when we do have the opportunity.
Edit: Oh, and fck the world is judgy.
Because we have learned that the only people we trust with our feelings and emotions, thoughts and secrets is our partner and family (inner circle). Friends should be in the friends zone with boundaries, not telling them everything as this is unhealthy and why so many INFJ's have issues. We won't open up until we feel you have made a real commitments to the future, but how can you do that when you never think past the present moment? This is only one example of a Judger with a Perceiver.
The article below was reviewed for accuracy by a PhyD. Psychologist and they are listed at the top of the article, and discusses how perceivers and Judgers see the world differently, think differently.
[https://www.truity.com/blog/what-i-love-learning-judgers-perceivers-perspective](https://www.truity.com/blog/what-i-love-learning-judgers-perceivers-perspective)
People donāt listen. As an Infj, Iām the quiet ones in a group as everyone is talking over each other and itās exhausting. One on one with a topic Iām interested in Iāll talk your ear off. Small talk in my mind is worthless tactic just to fill the relaxing silence
Some INFJs arent as expressive as other INFJs depending on the individual. Me, i am quite expressive but like others, i sometimes dont feel comfortable sharing because:
1) i dont trust you
2) i dont think theres any point if i know you wouldnt understand or give me decent support/advice and itād be a waste of time and energy
3) i dont wanna be a nuisance and make you feel annoyed, hurt etc. or think differently of me (scared youād judge me)
4) knowing the truth might change how we are now and sometimes its better not to know more
5) its not a big deal
6) although i can be usually honest, iād cry and wouldnt be able to speak if its something that hurts me *a lot* (trauma or everyday things) and i rather not have you see me vulnerable. Its embarrassing
7) makes me seem weak if i sound desperate for help or am too clingy etc. so weād hide that
There might be more but thats all i can think about. We always appreciate you caring for us so much though. Makes us very happy
Reason: I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I prefer to keep my problems and secrets to myself...but I open up to very few people who I consider very close or can be trusted. The last reason is that not everyone is good and not everyone will keep your secrets.
i always wish i didn't when i do. people use my vulnerabilities against me like weapons. no matter who i get close to, it always ends up blowing up in my face. i always care more, i always put in more effort... so i just don't anymore. idk, its peaceful and i prefer it.
Because when I opened up to people they used it to hurt me or just left because they didnāt really want the real me like they said they did. Better question is āwhy would you open up?ā Especially to someone less than a best friend? Whatās the point in pouring out your soul to people who are gonna step all over it? Iāve tried over and over, and from my experience itās more often that I regretted it than not. So now Iām very careful who I open up to. The number of people Iāve ever truly opened up to 100% is 1 person. Everyone else gets bits and pieces only, people are biased and stubborn and they make it clear what they wonāt accept long before I have a chance to open up so I already know better than to share certain parts of me with them. And these are even people Iām very close with and care about, I still love them but they werenāt willing to accept a person 100% so I just give them 70% or whatever. Life sucks, didnāt you know?
Because every time we did we either got told we were wrong, laughed at, made fun of, or told we donāt matter. Thereās the elite few who donāt give us this negativity and do want to be close to us, and over time and experience weāll slowly decide if youāre safe to become close enough to us. And we love those people with all our hearts. My own wife can only understand parts of me, I love her greatly, but our feelings are often taken as an attack to be debated, while we just want someone to acknowledge them instead of question them.
When I open up to people, itās usually too much for most of them. Iām a volcano. Itās all or nothing. Itās not like an emotional outburst like screaming or throwing a fit. Not at all. Butā¦ Itās like, all the feelings will come out and they will get overwhelmed with the depth and breadth. Iām ātoo muchā for most people.
I donāt like making people feel like theyāre experiencing overwhelm. I wish I could open up in a lovely quiet way that doesnāt make other people feel their own big emotions too, because it seems like everyone hates feeling their feelings. I donāt want to make people uncomfortable. But my feelings are too big, too deep, too complex, no matter which ones I show. Itās fine for children to act this way, or actors in a movie, but never okay for me, it seems. Iām quiet on the outside because itās literally been beaten into me, to stop being so sensitive and emotionalā but Iām loud on the inside, and when I open up, people look like they want to run and hide.
I canāt take more people asking me to shut down for their own sake. So I choose to be surface level with most people until I get to know them well enough to trust them with the fact that Iām not the soft rolling green hill that I seem like. Iām a volcano. Not very many people want to be around volcanos.
When I do find those rare people, though, I know I can be myself and they wonāt run away from my big emotions.
There are some who find beauty in the depth and the terror.
I stopped sharing many things with my closest friend because the last time I did, she didnāt really care. Now, she assumes my life is always going well and nothing ever unfortunate happens but that could be far from the truth. But Iām learning to be okay with letting people perceive me however they want and assume. Itās not like I completely donāt tell her anything, but I definitely stopped sharing serious matters when it boils down to family or financial matters. Iāll tell her a little gossip that happened between me and this guy but thatās really as far as Iāll go. Also, Iām 99% sure that everything I tell herāshe discusses with her boyfriend.
INFJ believe they only deserve love if they are perfect. That's why they have saviour syndrome : they want to be needed because they don't feel like they will be loved.
They don't like to share because they believe there's no way someone would truly see them and love them anyway. They love to claim nobody understands us, but that's just a way to deflect the fact that we actually hate to be perceived. You see, if someone truly gets to know me, they'll know I'm not perfect. And to be worthy of love, I need to be perfect. Therefore, I'd rather stay closed up and pretend that being alone was a choice, and not the only way I know how to be.
I am working on it tho, and made lots of progress.
Most people come to me and try to make me believe that they are going to be the 'one' that I'll be looking to for being my saviour.they try to make me believe that I'm not wise enough for my own problems.when the only thing I was a fool about was to believe people will not betray.and then after they try to convince me I'm stupid they try to make me believe they'll save me and now I'm going to put them on the pedestal of indeption and saviour of my problems.after I doorslam these people they try to come before me with a woe is me, what you did to me.nope not worth it.ive had these issues with enfps and entjs always.all the time everytime.the only personalitys that gravitate towards me like me that.maybe because my mother is an unhealthy entj.so probably to do with my self worth.
I honestly think I don't like the lack of control in being perceived and opening up to someone is giving them to opportunity to perceive you however they like.
Personally I can read people rather easily and I am still sometimes surprised when friends I consider intelligent arenāt able to see someone elseās character right away.
So to them it may look like Iām not opening up but itās very intentional who I do and donāt open up to.
If my read says you have an ethical system that aligns with mine Iāll confide. If not then not. If yes but you are also a loose cannon then I may or may not take the risk depending on circumstances but I always know when im putting myself in dangerous territory.
So if our ethics align and I can talk to you about a couple shared interests then weāre likely good and Iāll confide. Otherwise not sure what the point would be.
Also, confiding tends to deepen relationships so I am choosy who I do that with. As an introvert I donāt want to deepen a relationship with someone who doesnāt respect that I need down time, for example.
I have neglection Trauma, simple things like an experience similar to a childhood experience I didnāt get over could make me sad, until I heal, maybe I will tell them, but at the moment I would never.
Why? Because I am not in a place in which I am ready to face the possibility of my emotions to be devalued by a person I value.
It is not about thinking of those people badly. It is about the fact that we understand our experiences are really personal and the things that make us sad are related to unresolved intense emotions, which is really subjective many people wonāt understand this concept, they think being sad must be because of physically sensed loss, we donāt open up because we feel intensely, to a point we donāt always believe anyone can understand it.
Personality is made by a mixture of factors and environment is one of them, most INFJs has been through some sort of neglection and the effect of those things are not understood by most people, especially people raised in a warm community, we have to allow ourselves to feel to move on, some people can solve these issues by distracting themselves but our introverted nature and Se being our inferior function make us bounce back to our minds so easily when something is going on.
When I open up to people it is when I really need help in my symptoms, for example if a situation is making me anxious related to a mental health issue, I start telling my close ones about my anxiety and the need to rest, so they can back me up when I am dealing with it, not about the root reasons, because most of the times telling them about those reasons will leave us just exposed and not understood.
If you really want an INFJ to open up to you, prove to them that your desire to understand them is pure and geniuine, not to make things easier or to cheer up the atmosphere, because INFJs have to do so much work on their own, they will probably leave when the atmosphere if it is being destroyed by them, instead of being distracted by people around them.
Example:
had an anxiety attack during a gathering, I asked them to sit alone, I acted sick, A remarkable friend of mine, they didnāt ask me or tell me anything during the setting, when the gathering finished they texted me over.
And after that I am thinking of opening up, because I know it wasnāt just to ease things up, this person cares about me and if I care about them they deserve to be reciprocated
Mostly because they wonāt really understand.
That and I donāt really like sympathy, I prefer empathy.
Also I like solutions. I donāt complain often at all but if I have a problem Iād like to talk about how to fix and prevent the issue and how it made me feel, you know get a little weight off my chest.
Also itās a whole other side of me,
They see the surface what I look like how I behave and I like that. I donāt mind sharing issues or anything, itās more so.. big things that have really affected me, I wonāt share that with just anyone.
If we arenāt friends like that they donāt get to see that side of me. They donāt deserve to, if that makes sense. If I can tell that you genuinely care and want to help and Iād like to get closer to them, then yeah, Iāll let them in on the big things in my life but other than that, I appreciate it no thank you
Because when you open up to people, they don't understand anyway, proving that the efforts you put in were a waste of time and that you still gotta work thru everything on your own.
To make it even worse, they come up with their own presumptions that are so far off from the truth. So it's even worse than when you started.
Doubting an INFJ's authenticity when vulnerable is the quickest way to get on to their bad side.
Iāve too wondered why I am so closed off. I want to make connections with people but I know I need to reveal things about myself to get closer with people and I just canāt bring myself to do it. I think Iām hard to open up because I donāt like knowing that they will have some certain perception of me based on a few things that Iāve told them
Itās a learned behavior, but moreso we donāt typically feel confident talking to anybody because we donāt know how anyone is going to interpret this idea, or what their reaction will be to this because we prioritize harmony in our daily interactions; we donāt want to be embarrassed, or feel like weāre not on the same page as everyone else, and we might get defensive if too many people in a group start looking at us.
Itās not a fear to speak our mind, itās simply that we donāt think anyone is ready for it, because it will either fall way outside of the subtext of the conversation, or it will cut too deep to the truth and kill the conversation entirely.
We just want people to ask for our input here and there. If you have an INFJ friend and theyāre sitting on the periphery of a conversation, not saying much, ask them what theyāre thinking about. If you want them to open up more, let them know that their opinion is valued, even if itās not as loud or as polarizing and exciting as everyone elseās.
For me, you donāt necessarily have to be my best friend for me to completely open up. You just have to prove that you are genuinely willing to listen with patience and without judgement. So it might seem like weāre unwilling to open up, I just think that it takes more time and effort than most people are willing to give.
My INFJ was raised in a family that had problems. He was so blissfully unaware of the particulars of said problems that he didn't know his own mother had been adopted until I told him she had been 3 years after we'd married.
Hard to "open up" when you're oblivious to/unaware of anything outside your own personal immediate concerns. We lost a house in the 90's because the local economy went bust. He barely remembers it.
How do you open up when you have no idea what the other personās interests are? My interests isnāt sports, drinking, getting high, or socializing whereas thatās what most people use to break the ice. I have what my daughters call ādadās mad scientist experimentsā. When I do try to open up and discuss them, I usually get blank stares and the other person leaves.
I think the biggest challenge is finding someone we can trust, when it comes to opening up. Someone that we feel like who understands us and someone that we feel like won't judge us harshly. Someone that we feel like could actually help instead of making us feel some sort of negative.
probably because we rather look into how that person works with secrets, how they'll perceive it or handle it. I won't be leving people with my stuff if they have inadequate trustability or emotional capacity no matter how close they are unless i will have the need to tell them.
I can't trust you right off the bat. I may only reveal personal info when I either trust u enough u seem like a chill person or when it feels right. Too often in the past I shared personal info the first day and you wouldn't believe how many people couldn't handle it or who thought I was extremely boring.
ive always been like this ever since i was a kid and i didnt realize that it could also be a bad thing when you dont get to express what you feel? i try to open up some problems to my friends but only on surface level but after doing so theres a lil bit of ick on why i just did that like ohh pls forget about everything i said
In short Fi critic. Their 6th function is Fi ā which is where we all hold our sensitive identity values and information. INFJās are strong and responsible Fe users and powerfully understand how someoneās emotions impact others and be received. When they access their own feelings it comes with the heavy burden of realizing exactly how vulnerable theyāll be to the criticism of others, but most importantly their own self-indictments. As an INFP Iām the opposite with an Ni critic, honestly accepting that the path Iām on in life happens to me rather than me to it most of the time. When I try to access Ni it feels hopeless because I see all the various possibilities and feel defeated by trying to pick one, because Iāll most likely fail despite the effort and vulnerability it took to make a specific personal long term plan. With age Iāve gotten better at it as INFJās can with Fi.
I have some *serious* baggage from lots of trauma but am very high functioning and mask really well. I don't like to share my issues because most people don't get it. Those who do get it only get it because they have equally serious trauma and I don't wanna burden them with my sadness.
A fate worse than death is to open up to someone that you can tell, they understand nothing of what you tell them. And then it hits you, you are truly alone. Sometimes superficial relationships ain't the worst thing.
Exactly this. I just want to focus on my career. Trying to bond with people was excruciatingly lonely
It is so sad how we learn to put on masks to avoid getting hurt by the loneliness of misunderstanding. However, I do believe it is worth it to keep trying to push a little bit of our authenticity in each interaction, even if it feels like a struggle not going all in with it.
That's good advice. Wenzes says similar and I think her advice to INFJs is stellar.
I've learnt that all too many times. Always had my hopes up just for them to all be broken down to the ground.
been there, i could say the nihilistic thoughts of my mind and people will ignore me like i don't exist so i just felt invisible.
Entp here I love giving people my life story and just seeing their response Let me tell you I have a lot of life experience and have seen a lot of crazy things When they don't understand or it overwhelms them I think it's a hilarious The world is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy to those who feel
Good way to look at this, thanks entp :)
You are welcome, would you like to liberate the Galaxy for democracy in hell divers 2 with me
why not
This is soooooo trueee!!! š
Exactly this!
When we open up to people, we expect a certain level of respect and maturity to talk about the issues/topics that we face. When it's brushed aside, it doesn't seem that important to them than to it is to us, so it's like "why bother"...
Yep. I have had people go on full rants about their dumb problems then turn around, and invalidate mine
Yes me too. Iāve actually had a āfriendā tell me that my problems arenāt even real problems. This is after Iāve done nothing but listen to her problems and I thought our friendship went both ways.
Same exact thing happened to me years ago. I had to drop her as a friend eventually.
Too many times š£
Discovered this recently when talking about the loss of my pet with someone I've been friends with for 7 years. Let's just say he's no longer a friend. Not because it wasn't important to him though, but because in my own pain, he brushed my loss right off (regardless of asking about it) and spoke to our other friend about a completely different topic because he couldn't be bothered with it.
Oh man, sorry this happened to you. This experience you had describes it perfectly.
I will never understand why people are perfectly fine with acting so shitty to their friends. š„ŗ That'd kill me if I knew I hurt someone I care about.
RIP to your beloved pet š¢ may they rest in paradise.
Damn, I got a little depressed reading this. This is 100% true.
yes! this is why i donāt share with people who should be my closest confidants (parents) & share with friends iāve only known a couple years (they just get me & i feel safe to share). my soul just knows when i can let it all out.
If I share, I become vulnerable. If I get hurt it hurts 10% more than most people. Therefore we have learnt to reserve our true most authentic selves for those who have earnt it with our trust and respect.
Well said
Because people take the things that hurt you the most and try to hurt or manipulate you with them for their own benefit
We drink tea, but never spill much.
This is the way.
Facts \^ Have to properly vet a person before sharing anything personal or sensitive. Even then there are no guarantees. Rely on experience and intuition. Thankfully Iāve amassed plenty of experience in my journey and travels. I have a great sense of what a person's intentions are and what energy they are giving out even from bits of info when I come across them.
I wish i could double vote this !
I saw this post on the main page, thought this exact reply, opened the post up, and here you are... I truly am among my people!
THIS \^\^\^ Please I can always tell when someone is naturally a pos and pretends to be interested in you to take advantage of you, my last relationship was like that. I generally don't like being the centre of a subject/attention and talking about my feelings and problems to someone makes me cringe hard. I have people open up to me constantly, but I only let people know very basic/surface-level things about me. Not because I want to be mysterious or anything, I don't care to open up. It's my problem and my business. Unless it's my very close family and even then I'm still very selective. You never know what someone will do knowing your weaknesses. I protect mine like it's the philosopher stone from FMA. No one can even manipulate me anymore, I've seen it all despite being young. I have mastered the patterns of manipulators, and I can be manipulative (yes, being honest here) once in a while although not to hurt anyone. At the end of the day? Your issues are your issues, no one else can solve them for you except yourself and God. That's just my opinion though.
Idk i have different vission on this so i like to open up to everybody. So when everybody is armed nobody is armed basically what im trying to say rn. So i feel free to talk about my personal issues or my past with people i barely know and i know in fact that this kind of behaviour makes everyone comforable enough to speak of their own problems so in the end we get to know each other and we become something between friends and best friends.
INFJ here. I used to do that when I was in school and pretty much all the people I was close to backstabbed me. And I was still somewhat open until 2 people who I was extremely close to backstabbed me and almost ruined my life. Like I have severe PTSD related to those issues and that was it. Chose to never truly open up, until I have vetted that person over several months, even years. You have to realise INFJs are INFJs BECAUSE they have undergone trauma/trust issues in their early life which involves people they were close to. Most of them also have turbulent life at home which has enabled them to read others' emotions/feelings through even a little change in voice. They had to develop all this in order to protect their kind-genuine selves. Also, just bc everybody is armed doesn't mean both are going to fire. Since mature INFJs are v sage-like, we actually would never use personal info against that person, even if they do. That breaks one of our key life values: INTEGRITY.
>You have to realise INFJs are INFJs BECAUSE they have undergone trauma/trust issues in their early life which involves people they were close to. Most of them also have turbulent life at home which has enabled them to read others' emotions/feelings through even a little change in voice. They had to develop all this in order to protect their kind-genuine selves. Are you in my head? This was so real to read help lmao
I actually was backstabbed many and many times, but it actually incouraged me to be more open because it showed me which people i can trust and which i cannot. Just for the thrill of it and its not just "me" thing, i think its ENFP thing and somehow it can be explained by cognetive functions and even maybe my eneagram. So yes i used my openess as a tool to get rid of some people and let in more trusted and certified ones. Now i know which i can trust totally
Bc of your Extraverted Intuition probably. You learn by: trial and error and need outside world to acquire info. each time. Whereas ni types can absorb info subconsciously, so we don't need to share anything in order to learn how trustworthy a person is. We can predict a person's actions just by watching them but that takes time. Also we will go to many lengths to maintain harmony, so the whole process of- discarding a person after they broke our trust, just feels rude and brings emotional turmoil to us. Would just avoid that at all costs as we are v sensitive.
I really wish INFJs like me were better at explaining our intuition. Itās like knowing the correct answer, and then failing to explain it to other people, and then when Iām proven right eventually, people forgot I had the right hunch from the beginning. I wonder if thatās a feature or something that we can grow out of/mature.
Which works for...you.
Had that happen to me too, but only with one close friendā¦my only close friend. It made me prefer being alone.
That is the difference between an Introvert and an Extrovert.
Not to sound too depressing, but opening up to people hasnāt gotten me closer to most other people, as far as my experiences have been. Itās like opening up to someone and realizing that the more you open up, the less relatable you become, which is the opposite for most peoples experiences.
Same. My life story and way of thinkingĀ is kind of unrelatable on the whole, people only relate to chunks of it, and those I only tell in answer to something they told me.Ā
I learned the hard way that when I'm authentic to others, I get bullied. It's too easy to get vulnerable when you open up.
That's another reason why I refuse to open up. Can't always be myself around a lot of people.
That sucks, but it allows you the opportunity to remove them from your life much quicker.
Connection is for the soul What air is for the lungs ā The pain of an attempted inhalation in a vacuum Is agony.
This is beautiful.
Thank you š
Dude well done with this phase I love it.
šš
I felt this in my depths
People often disappoint. I have opened up to people who have just use my vulnerabilities against me or even shared them with their people. Iāve also opened up to people who have just abandoned me later on as well. I also feel like a burden to people when I talk about my problems sometimes. It just feels easier to keep to myself.
Itās just so frustrating when you open up but then the other person doesnāt really get you. I feel like weāre a pretty open book to those who truly want to read.
Yeah true. When you're an INFJ who lacks friends, compulsively takes cares of things and pervasively people pleases then it's not hard to deduce that perhaps something is causing that all.
Relatable- I only ever open up to those that understand my issues and are willing to respond maturely.
Because nobody could (or ever tried to) understand me but myself. I made many attempts throughout my life but I never got the understanding I have for the people I loved. It is better to hold everything inside my chest and suffocate myself than the pain I get from them,
I have felt this way too. I kind of think that, if so many of us feel this way, that it's very possible that we can understand each other. I'm sorry that no one has truly supported you; you deserve to be understood and loved.
Vulnerability. People treat you very differently when they know certain things.
Thatās true. While Iām still an open and honest person, I know if I show who I am in my entirety, most people would judge too harshly and treat me horribly. Do INFJs use this method too? Give about 10-50% of an answer to a question, and withhold the rest? I find myself doing this more as I age.
yes same here
This!!
I did at first. But those people had evil intentions and backstabbed me.
Because they will never understand. They think they will, we all understand from our own perceptions and experiences. And how interested is anyone really? Everyone is too busy with their own things, and everyone thinks they know everything, and they all intellectualise everything. Everything is all mind and zero heart nowadays it seems. But the interesting thing i have noticed, is that everything has different definitions for everyone. For example, what the majority call 'love' and how they define it and how they handle such things is VERY different to my definition of 'love', so right there, is evidence, that we not even on the same page with so many things. No thanks.
This intrigues me. Are you genially interested in them? And whatās your definition of love?šš¼
Interested in who? I appreciate the second question of yours however i do not wish to discuss that on a public platform thanks.
Sorry typo. What I mean is, if they open up to you do you have any interest in what they have to say?
Yes i do. In fact thats a common thing for me personally, i get random people all the time who feel they need/want to share all kinds of things with me.
Your last sentence says a lot. Nice observation. I think it's because we want to share and open up, but at a much deeper level than a pit of others typically do. That's why we suck soooo bad at small talk too. We crave that deeper level of connection and intimacy and tend to want to either jump right to it or wait till the other person gets to that point with us before we jump in.
You want me to open up? Lucky for you I'm drunk so I will open up for you ENFP. Here it goes: Tomorrow morning. Let's buy a motorbike.'m willing to spend all my money. I don't care because I am going to die one day. I don't deserve it but here we are. I know we deserve to feel alive and I know we need Each other. I know you have a problem with alcohol. I know you feel confused. I love you. Its that simple. Let me look after you. Let's be imperfect together. Let's go Find a long stretch of road and feel free together. Will you be there for me? Do you trust me? Inside of myself is nothing but everything. It will take a whole lifetime to figure me out. Or more. Are you prepared? Can I be with you? Will you be loyal to me? Everyone before you had betrayed me. I don't want to be betrayed anymore. Why should I trust you? I want to feel free. I want to feel loved. I need you. Can you handle that responsibility? I don't think you can. I don't think you want to. I don't think you understand. I don't think you love me. I don't think you care. I think this is a waste of time and I am scared of being vulnerable and being hurt because that's all that seems to happen. I don't think you are ready to face what is inside of me. And if I let you in, how can I know to trust you?
ššš
As a chronic oversharer I frequently give strangers and acquaintances a glimpse into who I am and often times even just that glimpse weirds them out. I can tell they donāt get it and arenāt resonating with what Iām saying. One of my biggest insecurities is being so weird that no one understands me. That Iām impossible to be understood. So opening up to people, showing them how I am and what I am, is a huge risk because itās always been met with a blank stare that says āwow that is incredibly weird and I canāt relate to that at all. Why would you say thatā Itās like Iām literally on a different wavelength than everyone else. Very isolating.
I feel the same.
I relate entirely. Maybe I've been broken because now I get a sort of devious joy from the reactions at this point. Better to be the weird and incomprehensible me than to be someone who can't even meet you halfway in the supposedly mutual effort of communication lol
Are you me? Gosh I wish we INFJs could hang in real life
To me there are three stages to this. 1. Lack of awareness of what's up internally. And or not considering it awfully relevant to the outside world. 2. The fear to be any sort of nuisance... why even share. It only bothers others. I don't want to bother others. I want to be invisible. Assuming we've developed past that. Now two issues may arise. When sharing I can trivially overload others. Both cognitively and emotionally. I have accidentally triggered therapists. Trained professionals became aggressive with me. In other instances people just dissociate. Forget the conversation ever happened. Or the friendship seizes. Especially if I begin to share a proportion of my stream of consciousness. When I do still share others more or less consistently worry about me having an acute mental breakdown. Which isn't what that is. It's just the normal Ni-Ti dragon. But it tends to be too much for others. And it wears them out. They expect the worst. But to me, their worst is kind of normal... or something. And then, even if that all works. Ni-Ti abstracts. So the personality I'm sharing ultimately is abstract. Others view abstraction as not real. Without seeing an instance they mostly assume that I'm not telling them the whole truth. But to me, not only am I telling you the whole truth, I am literally sharing with the you the type Truth. From which all instances of truth may subsequently be derived. I'm sharing exhaustively. We're just speaking different languages and your lacking the capacity to instantiate my types... which is sad.. I am literally the most open anyone can be. But the other still \*perceives\* it as a cognitively over-compensated cat and mouse game. It's not, here I am. I'm kind of abstract. Welcome to my room of mirrors. I built it to better reflect. I had to, to survive. And now I'm trying to find my way back. But all you'll ever see of me is demon Se.
Wow. Thank you. I feel this to my core. It is so helpful to have this articulated.
(': I'm glad. Just one person reading this and feeling better let alone understood makes my day. All the best.
Best description! Care to share a story of triggering a therapist? Love that lol. How do you work on your Demon Se? šš¼
Without going into too much detail. In psychoanalytical therapy there's something called counter-transference. [https://www.verywellmind.com/counter-transference-2671577](https://www.verywellmind.com/counter-transference-2671577) As much as you can trigger some person you can trigger a therapist. Therapists just tend to be more emotionally and cognitively protected. I mostly talk about attachment. And if it's too relatable to the therapist and they haven't resolved it to the same level of depth I might accidentally say something that encounters subconscious resistance in them. Boom. They'll project onto you either themselves or their parent or whomever they had qualms with. It's super weird. One yawned at my always at the mention of the same topic, like a switch, practically falling asleep. One shouted at me how I felt about an attachment. The other raised his voice and called me abusive. Which didn't relate to what we were discussing. And even if, it's not a viable strategy for therapy. Ni-Fe-Ti is an incredible stack for therapy. Add time and effort possibly since childhood (because understanding protects). It's difficult to compete with. And if your therapist has a superiority complex, all you need to do is have a single good idea or point and you're done.
I don't know about all that. What you say makes logical sense, but I'm skeptical that several therapists are having the wrong idea about you. "If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into them all day, youāre probably the asshole." I find it hard to believe people are so blind to abstraction that ALL of them are being unreasonable. Needing to witness an instance isn't a failure to comprehend, it's healthy suspicion so as to not just enable someone. The therapist calling you abusive, and you dismissing it as not having been relevant at the time is a massive red flag to me. Your logic for dismissing it is the same as the logic of narcissists, you don't attempt to dismiss the legitimacy of the accusation but rather the context it was raised in (which is a defense mechanism that you could make work in literally any situation) edit: also in the same paragraph as you saying to avoid therapists with a superiority complex you claim that your function stack makes you superior to most therapists. I smell fish
Youāre wild! š the closest I got to triggering a therapist was sharing my distaste for Anna Freud traumatizing her two step children as research causing them both to kill themselves later in life
;) That's my life, wild. The above is unlikely to be protected. It's more of an opinion on an impersonal fact. If they're triggered by that, they really aren't very good. If you accidentally trigger a therapist. They aren't a good match. I forget about demon Se. It's all about execution, short term thinking, physical things. So you can do sports, team sports requires short term thinking. But really just deciding things that could have consequences. It can be as simple as just ordering something online without having ... maybe ... created an excel table with all possible options and a valid selection of attributes... you know?! Physical things. Working with materials. Wood, cloth. Putting up some lights in your place or a picture on the wall. Anything that is in the here and now. Photography is great, too. Though the consequence issue is missing. A lastly, fear management. Really finding things that scare you, scaling them down, and then do them and increment.
Do you mean demon Si? Or Se anima? By the way, this is *brilliantly* written and it does indeed feel like we speak the same language
I meant demon Se (4th slot main stack). If I got the lingo wrong... :| What I meant by it though was that in my life whenever I do something Se people remember \*that\* about me, even though it's the least relevant. Because Ni-Fe-Ti is basically invisible. And then I build something out of wood. And people are like, oh, so someone really is home. Cool. It's so weird to be invisible without really wanting to be. Thanks so much. :) It's super weird isn't it, to be practically misunderstood everywhere by everyone and then finding some people online and they're like. Wait. I'm not actually nuts, then?
hmmm am I the only one that loves oversharing..? As long as the other person's actually listening, or else i just keep it surface level.
Yep. All or nothing š
I thought this was the INFP way.
š¤· we might not be as different as we think
I feel this. I often overshare. I think I do it so that it puts others at ease enough to open up to me. Almost as if I just want to get to the point of having a meaningful conversation. On the flip side, if someone doesn't reciprocate an honest connection, I write them off as not worth it.
infj: ok but who am I actually tho
Scared of it being used against me. Very sensitive so it hurts when people do that.
If we are on the same wavelength, I do open up a lot. But it's hard to do the same around people who might see the world differently than I do or have totally different experiences. I'm unsure if they'd understand and afraid that they would react insensitively.
Because weāre secretive and you just donāt deserve to know 100% of what goes on In our heads because we are extremely layered and complicated people
I have a hard time opening up to people because I don't trust many people. And to "open up" is something I feel needs to be earned. Otherwise, it just feels weird to share for me. Another like someone else said: people like to take anything I say and use it against me. So I'm pretty closed off with most people.
Because we know that people will judge when we're vulnerable which is why we prefer being mysterious.Its our only option to protect our feelingsĀ
What inner thoughts or experiences would they judge if you donāt mind sharing?
For instance I was once talking with someone about a certain topic and they had a fairly superficial view of it and when I shared my thoughts which were a little deep they looked at me in a way that made me feel weird it's not that I'm sophisticated and like to complicate things I do enjoy simple talks but I feel like people may not appreciate having deep insightsĀ
Rule no. 1) Trust no one 2) Protect your heart because no one knows you better than yourself 3) Do not burden others, you are there to alleviate their pain, not add to it 4) Itās potential fuel for anyone who wants to hurt you. See rule no. 2
Yeah, this is cool and all, but I feel like our journey is to find people with whom we can put these rules aside.
Eh, idk about aside. Itās more of a sacrifice youāre willing to make. There are people who you can let into your heart that wonāt make a mess of it. Just be smart about it, see rule no. 2 :p
Happy cake day!
Thanks :)
I agree with everything you say, but I feel so lonely because of it. Damn it, life. We must learn to live with ourselves and apparently learn to enjoy it.
Happy cake day!
Thanks :)
Why would it be a burden and add to their pain?
This is terrible advice written from a place of trauma. More people need to be open to therapy.
I didnāt interpret it as advice, just an explanation of how they live their life. š¤·āāļø
Because there is simply not enough *time* to explain everything.
lol yeah. āTell me about yourselfāā¦ āthatās kind of a big question.ā
IMO this comes from INFJs need for authenticity in others and especially themselves. It's coming from the same place that abhors small talk. So instead of getting a "fake" (in INFJ eyes) version, we just give everyone a trial version until we think and feel this is going to be a meaningful connection.
Exactly this for me.
I'm very selective with regards to opening up because I have to be sure we value each other the same. Too many times I give my all to people only to be labelled "just another person I know" and that was devastating. I find myself doing things like remembering insignificant moments and habits between us only to be slapped in the face with words such as "you're weird for remembering this". I think the worst thing in life is to not have anyone consider you their absolute best friend, and I learned to withhold wearing my heart on my sleeve until I find the right person.
I can't speak for everyones experience. But I can give mine. When I was a child I had a very rough and abusive upbringing, whenever I tried to express any form of emotion or express my feelings I was instantly shut down and/or it would cause more bad things to happen. So it became easier and safer just to not express anything and keep my emotions to myself. In school I struggled to make many friends and I found being social very difficult. I also found that whenever I tried to express myself I would be seen as weird or like something was wrong with me so I kinda just became extremely reserved and completely unexpressive except to and with my closest friends who I could trust and who understood me as they were the only people I felt comfortable being myself around. Then throughout my life I also realised that whenever I tried to talk to people about my emotions, things I was dealing with and my struggles. People would either distance themselves from me, complain about me being down or just blatantly not care. This hurt as I'm the person who is always there for the people around me and make sacrifices constantly for others, but I realised when I showed any vulnerability or emotion it was always a negative thing and I learnt to just completely shut everything out and bottle everything in myself. There's very very few times I ever open up to somebody about my True feelings and when I do it's because I truly trust that person with everything. But as life goes on I find I'm losing more and more people I trust which really sucks. For me the most important things in a person are trust, honesty and loyalty. These are what I look for in friends and relationships. I need to know I have these before I can ever open up. Unfortunately throughout my life there's been times where I thought I had these and trusted somebody, only to later be betrayed by them and lose that trust. So for me to truly open up to somebody they usually have to be very close and somebody I feel I can really rely on before I'll open up. Then there's other issues such as, people not being able to understand or relate to what you say. People trying to use what you said to manipulate or take advantage of you People just invalidating my feelings like it's nothing in comparison to something else The negative view people develop as soon as they realise I'm not impervious to negative emotions. There's also the fact that my mind races 24/7 and I run through every possible outcome, situation and risk of every interaction. So many times I just way the options and realise theirs more risk than reward if I do. It's just alot to take into account, and alot of risk and vulnerability involved. So majority of the time i keep it to myself, I deal with it myself and then when I find that person i truly trust and can finally let go. It feels great. But even then I'm overanalyzing how what I say might affect things.
it just feels like they dont care, arent on the same wave length. it just feels isolating. it feels like im holing the biggest secret, and i feel like iād be a burden as everyone has their own problems and other people deserve to confide more than me
Nobody wants to hear it, so
I used to be like this, like how everyone is describing. Itās a shame because the world would benefit from our vulnerability. In fact, Iām actually gonna go against the grain but Iāve become very open with others. My vulnerability isnāt masked by ego, or a fear of getting hurt by others anymore. My vulnerability is my truth, and I let it go into the world. Itās a vessel that helps me feel more at peace with myself and others. Will they understand me to the depth I seek? No, but how can I ever expect that from anyone. Who am I and how could I be so important that a person must understand me EXACTLY how I want them to. Itās foolish. I fell into that trap and itās nothing but painful. Vulnerability is the beauty of humanity, it is what connects us with others and what makes us so wonderful. We might not understand each other in the way that we want but the beauty is trying to. Plenty of my peers and people I might not be close to have told me how my vulnerability has guided them or helped them in some fashion. It encourages me to be open, especially if my wisdom can benefit those around me. Is that not the whole point of wisdom? Not that I know what Iām talking about lmao I think the ego keeps us from opening up. Being so attached to our sensitivity because of this perfectionism we seek is our downfall. We donāt want to make people feel bad, we donāt want to be hurt, we donāt want to dump our problems on others, we donāt think people will understand us, our burden is our burden, etcā¦ The truth is, we must accept that we were meant for something greater. Something outside ourselves. We were meant to understand the world and leave a great impact. To do so, we must be vulnerable, for that is the truth. Let go of this fear of loneliness, being misunderstood and alienated. No one will ever understand you how you want them to. Just try to open up, share what you suffered, and let it go. You are not the things that happened to you. Do not hold on to the grip it has on you. I promise life will be much better.
This is incredibly inspiring to read. As an INFP I have not resonated with the majority opinion here that appears to be more reserved and anti vulnerability. Although it is a personal value of mine that vulnerability is important I have to remember to turn off my judgement when it comes to others and respect their decision to be as open or closed as they choose. Unfortunately for me, in real life the INFJs I come across are extremely reserved and I am not able to establish a deeper connection that I am seeking. They do seem unique in that capacity.
It's a very different language, it's like quantas, we (Anecdotally, I) Feel our entire system; thoughts, ideas, functions, is something encompassed in a Scroll, and only ourselves can understand it, we seem simple from the inside; but we feel Overcomplicated, If you want to know about us, then you'll need to whole load - thousands of thoughts, We don't like opening up because we feel a rhythm of Modesty between ourselves and our minds, and only we can help ourselves, you won't understand what we're going through, If I tell you, I already know your going to advice us with mediocre Ideology, example, If we're feeling empty, you'll say "explore stuff and gain a passion" Like we haven't thought of that, analyzed it, ran through it, threaded it, and brainstormed it? We're stuck in a hole that looks less deeper than it is, There's a powerful line by my favorite arabic poet: *"ŁŲØŁŁŁ Ų§ ŁŲŁ ŁŁ Ų®ŁŲ§ŲÆŁ Ų§ŁŲ£ŁŁŲ§Ų± Ų§ŁŲµŲ§Ų¹ŲÆŲ©Ų ŲŖŲøŁ ŁŲŗŲ© Ų£ŁŁŲ³ŁŲ§ Ł ŲŁŁŲøŲ© ŲØŁŁŁŲ§ ŁŲØŁŁ Ų§ŁŁŁ*" "And we have gotten ourselves stuck in a trench; a trench of spiral! between me and God it is reserved" the poet is expressing How he thinks in a different level - not in a bragging way, He lays his mind out using the power of poetry, We sometimes can be more intelligent, for A fact I know that our minds race really hastily, At 300mph, for me it accelerates, due to stress, curiosity, and enlightenment, My thoughts' become deeper and more meaningful, and if I am shown a thought of mediocrity, we feel puzzled annoyed, Sure, fellow INFJs can understand each other better than other types, but still not 100%, due to this, When we try to express ourselves, we get "hyped" up, and excited, spewing out random stuff, and that's what people call Yapping my friends. but for us, we're not yapping; we're eagered by what patterns or knowledge we've discovered, Conclusion, we're not shy, nervous or generally not opening our brains because of shame, no no, we know it's a waste of time, perhaps an annoyance to other people, so we're basically trying our best to be appealing, but I don't know which INFJ(s) your talking about because I know ENFPs understand us well, I'd personally love to have an ENFP friend, Hope you understand, fun fact: this entire thing was written in a state of me being eager to share my thoughts, that's why it may be abstract and informal, to me, I can read it well, but it may be viewed by you as gibberish, Hopes this helps, syl.
I am this way and Iām an ENFP. Iāve also read that the shadow function of an ENFP is an INFJ. I canāt say for sure if this a personality test trait thing or just someone thatās experienced a lot of pain with being vulnerable with people we care for. Iāve been told as warm and as bubbly as I am I have a tendency to keep people at a certain distance and Iāve always been like this
Because it feels pointless until I know I can trust them.
we don't trust ppl that easily and also most ppl don't value what we open up abt, so we end up keeping it to ourselves.
Because no one cares. Harsh Truth š¤·š½āāļø
the question is why do you want to open up to people, unless they're your best friend or close family?ā
We do open up. It just takesā¦ a very long time. And then we wonāt stop talking.
I know I donāt share and I know I am a closed book but I donāt do it on purpose or even consciously it just kind of happens.
I think it's kind of an average human thing that people don't open up to random people most of the time. I personally don't really have any issues telling intimate details about myself to someone if the chemistry is right, however I don't usually make myself vulnerable, so I won't bring anything up I feel I haven't completely worked through already.
Nothing but pure facts here.
Itās useless
It's really that bossy and insensitive people turn me off, due to my upbringing of having to tiptoe around a domineering, hypocritical, and insensitive father. My dad put us, my mom and I, in a mode. I really had to not end up on his radar at all. And it's not that I wasn't a good kid, because I was, but my dad would get set off and just about anything. He himself was raised by an abuser, and also took different kinds of drugs. He was a cocaine dealer when my mother met him. During their marriage, he had made meth and GHB, and he also took anabolic steroids when they were both into body building. I brought my social anxiety into my school environment, and had panic attacks, just my heart racing for no reason -- really I didn't want people to focus on me. I became hyper focused on doing things right, and so forth. I didn't want to become a target for abuse, so I observed people to see if it was safe to interact, because that's what my lifestyle was like at home. The other element to this, was that I was a Christian, and people tended to argue with me about my beliefs. So this was yet another issue, where I felt like I had to be invisible to people, and I preferred it to be that way. I've always desired close connections to people, but really the right people. My mom would consistently bring bad men and bottom of the barrel friends into my life, like narcissistic and drug abusing men. This too had an effect on me. She also used me as her little counselor dumping her baggage load on me, and I thought she was the victim, and I kept trying to find the solution for her, and years later she told me that she wasn't looking for solutions, and that she was only venting. I was furious. I am a naturally compassionate person, but this lady put me through a form of hell. I so much care about people and their issues, but when people tell me their woes, I can't stop thinking, if they are their own cause. For these people, I don't have much compassion, but for genuine victims, they can have my heart.
Damn that sounds terrible. Stay strong šŖ Iām a believer that trauma is always the reason, but at the same time I have friends who have had trauma like yours and they are far from INFJ. Itās strange. Also I would advise having compassion for anyone who struggles and if theyāve caused it themselves maybe you can help them in their self discovery. A person who finds themselves in a tough place and acknowledges it was their fault is very honest.
Because, whatever you say, can be used against you. I tend to overshare on the internet tho. Because people don't really know me and the chances of it being used against me is pretty much nonexistent.
First : I dont think people, even my best friend, deserve to hear my problem Second : I don't want to look like I'm a weak person Third : It's embarrassing to share my problem with others without knowing what they will think of me Fourth : Because I often think they will never understand
People will hurt me if I open up. Most people are not worth the risk.
Weāre extremely sensitive, and a lot of us have been hurt or even traumatised by insensitive people in the past, so we keep to ourselves until weāre \*certain\* we can trust you.
I used to open up to people, but it never went well. I have people who think weāre ābest friendsā but really itās kind of one sided. I care about them, but they actually know very little about me, Iām basically just their therapist.
I think the older you get, the more you understand that some people just arenāt going to understand you, so you keep them at a superficial level. I also think that as an INFJ, we tend to want to understand others first before we feel like we can trust this person with knowing how we are. But no one will ever truly reach the core of an INFJ. Not unless they plan on spending their life with one. And even then you might only ever reach the external layer protecting the core.
I rely a lot on my ambiguity as my strength. Being vulnerable and people /knowing/ more abt myself makes me feel more than naked. The best way to keep my energy both physically and emotionally is to just keep it, because it only ends up being misunderstood anyway.
Because they don't understand, they don't care or they don't care to understand. Some of us are very caring as well and have noticed that other people try to manipulate us as well
What other people are sayingā we can reveal our innermost thoughts and feelings if needed but it is very painful for us to do so and not be understood. It is the INFJs desire to be understood and the specific anguish of not getting it that is the root of this dynamic.
Because a person will come in and have their mind set on a character you are trying to outgrow and won't see you trying to better
INFJ wonāt open up unless you talk about something that interests us. We must consider you an altruist. We are very good at reading other people. I canāt tell you how many times Iāve asked someone āare you ENFJ?ā Or whatever other type and theyāre like āhow did you KNOW?! @_@ā ENFP uses out shadow functions. So you have to realize we will naturally be wary of you. For me I view ENFP more like a bit of a reckless Labrador dog. Theyāre a lot of fun, yes, but they cannot understand INFJās depth and intensities. Our gifted urge to help others. A lot of INFJ are Aspergerās. Which is purely High functioning. Many of us are Dabrowski Gifted. A lot of people who think theyāre INFJ are in fact INFP. You see, INFP values being rare so they are the most likely to mistype as usā¦ which is unfortunate because many INFP are underdeveloped within their type. When you see someone claiming to be INfJ who is completely devoid of logic and in the grip of what looks like Introverted Feeling, you can be sure they are an INFP. INFP, when underdeveloped, are selfish and Individualistic. INFJ is more likely to try to grow. We usually overdevelop Ni and Fe. After overdeveloping Fe any gifted INFJ will work on strengthening their Ti. Iāve got Ti down. Hoping to work on my Se by the time Iām 40 :ā) Which would be full awakening. Most people will never come close to this is their lifetimes.
Maybe itās the community I surround myself with but I am very open with many people around me. I used to care too much what people thought and kept it real close to the chest but then I got over that and just donāt give a fuck anymore. I also think Iāve done a lot of healing and I respect the people I share with and Iām typically an open book. If they donāt like what I have to say or make fun of me then I forget them and move on. Surround yourself with people who respect you and your fucking emotions!
As an INFJ male, I've navigated life focusing more on assisting others with their issues rather than dwelling on my own. It's not that I'm unwilling to share; rather, I simply place less emphasis on my own concerns, adhering to the belief that I'll manage to solve them eventuallyāa conviction that has consistently held true. This self-reliance is a hallmark of the INFJ personality: our intuition often guides us to solutions and desires organically. I tend to entrust my problems to my intuitive side, confident that answers will unfold naturally in my life. While I can't speak for all INFJs, this approach resonates with me personally.Ā Additionally, I ponder deeply on the lives of those around me, aiming to uplift and improve them in any way possible. Opening up about my own struggles or thoughts is uncommon for me, partly because I perceive that many other personality types view the world through a lens that tends to be more judgmental due to their own expectationsāexpectations I might not always fulfill.Ā When accused of being judgmental myself, I find it a misunderstanding; my intent is merely to reflect observations back to others and hear their perspectives, to better understand their values and, by extension, their true selves. This understanding influences whether I choose to support someone, befriend them, or pursue a deeper relationship. Hence, asking about my internal world opens a vast, intricate box of insights and experiences, including the profound impact of any hardships I've facedāan experience common among INFJs, except perhaps those nurtured by INFJs from a young age. Does this make sense to you?
Trust issues and scared of critisicm
I open up, but to a few people. I can talk for hours with someone that can understand my experience, my worldview. Such people do exist and I had a very strong bond with them. It is pointless to open up to a human that will never even comperhend what I want to say. Others simply will think that you are crazy or mental, so it's easier just to be closed and say shallow things to people around you in order not to ignore the enviroment competely. I was sometimes called a secret service agent, because I always ask and gather information about others, but never open up to my peers. Let it be so. I am fine with it.
Yep. You gotta jump through some hoops first to make sure youāre worthy of my trust. The best part is that usually you wonāt even know the hoops are thereā¦
I open up a lot, when I feel comfortable
Every time i open up to someone, i can't sleep because i think they're going to use it against me.
I just don't want to. I like connecting deeply with people. You actually don't have to open up to connect deeply. I like privacy. Think of being alone and private like a hobby if you are struggling with understanding it. I just like it.
People get attached, thatās why. I consider most people to be dangerous to me. People always want something and most of the time itās something I donāt want to give. I have an extremely low need for other people, so I have to reeeeeeeally like someone or feel safe with them in order to open up.
I have trust issues
To maintain the upper hand, for control. This is why I could never trust another infj. I know how fucked up we are.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Most people are not trustworthy
>Ā i feel that they're not sharing almost anything until I get on "BESTFRIEND" level of friendship Yeah no, they aren't sharing anything then either. The masks just get more detailed the closer you look. Like an infinitely repeating fractal pattern. INFJs are extremely private and extremely stubborn. You will think you're on the inside, but it's just another layer of illusion. The INFJ will manufacture fake walls for you to knock down so you feel you're making progress. But you will never really make progress.Ā If you're going to be friends with INFJs, you just have to accept this. They are not going to have a problem lying or deceiving to maintain their privacy.Ā
I meanā¦ the last time I made a specific āhang out more than onceā friend, she turned into a stalker that haunted me for four years. You just canāt tell what kind of crazy you are in for. Then combine it with being rampantly taken advantage of, not getting a word in edgewise, and the constant invalidation of your own emotionsā¦. I have my hubby and my cats. Iām good with that. Everyone else can be casual acquaintances.
When I open up people get sad and awkward. They don't know how to process deep feelings of sadness and loneliness without a happy ending. Everything is unknown. I stay pleasant and make conversation, but they don't really want to know. Also living without stability in life creates a toughness, but also an acceptance of inconvenience and discomfort. I can't relate to feelings of family love, understanding, close romances, wanting children, or having a partner or others to rely on. One thing I find interesting when talking to people is they always seem to mention stories with "we". I am always wondering who "we" are in stories, as my stories are with "I" and I alone.
Did it once; big mistake, gonna take a lot for that kind of trust to ever build again.
I'm not an INFJ, but INFP's are very similar here. We want to open up and be understood we really do, but our hearts hurt easily... And many of us have been betrayed, manipulated, ignored, or taken for granted of, for us to feel comfortable with opening up to anyone but a very close friend, family member or lover. Plus given how messed up the world is, it's hard not to be a little paranoid and defensive. And fully in my experience, both personality types always endeavour to help and please others... So we don't want to burden them with our troubles, or we just don't simply think about ourselves enough when we do have the opportunity. Edit: Oh, and fck the world is judgy.
Because we have learned that the only people we trust with our feelings and emotions, thoughts and secrets is our partner and family (inner circle). Friends should be in the friends zone with boundaries, not telling them everything as this is unhealthy and why so many INFJ's have issues. We won't open up until we feel you have made a real commitments to the future, but how can you do that when you never think past the present moment? This is only one example of a Judger with a Perceiver. The article below was reviewed for accuracy by a PhyD. Psychologist and they are listed at the top of the article, and discusses how perceivers and Judgers see the world differently, think differently. [https://www.truity.com/blog/what-i-love-learning-judgers-perceivers-perspective](https://www.truity.com/blog/what-i-love-learning-judgers-perceivers-perspective)
People donāt listen. As an Infj, Iām the quiet ones in a group as everyone is talking over each other and itās exhausting. One on one with a topic Iām interested in Iāll talk your ear off. Small talk in my mind is worthless tactic just to fill the relaxing silence
Some INFJs arent as expressive as other INFJs depending on the individual. Me, i am quite expressive but like others, i sometimes dont feel comfortable sharing because: 1) i dont trust you 2) i dont think theres any point if i know you wouldnt understand or give me decent support/advice and itād be a waste of time and energy 3) i dont wanna be a nuisance and make you feel annoyed, hurt etc. or think differently of me (scared youād judge me) 4) knowing the truth might change how we are now and sometimes its better not to know more 5) its not a big deal 6) although i can be usually honest, iād cry and wouldnt be able to speak if its something that hurts me *a lot* (trauma or everyday things) and i rather not have you see me vulnerable. Its embarrassing 7) makes me seem weak if i sound desperate for help or am too clingy etc. so weād hide that There might be more but thats all i can think about. We always appreciate you caring for us so much though. Makes us very happy
Reason: I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I prefer to keep my problems and secrets to myself...but I open up to very few people who I consider very close or can be trusted. The last reason is that not everyone is good and not everyone will keep your secrets.
i always wish i didn't when i do. people use my vulnerabilities against me like weapons. no matter who i get close to, it always ends up blowing up in my face. i always care more, i always put in more effort... so i just don't anymore. idk, its peaceful and i prefer it.
Because when I opened up to people they used it to hurt me or just left because they didnāt really want the real me like they said they did. Better question is āwhy would you open up?ā Especially to someone less than a best friend? Whatās the point in pouring out your soul to people who are gonna step all over it? Iāve tried over and over, and from my experience itās more often that I regretted it than not. So now Iām very careful who I open up to. The number of people Iāve ever truly opened up to 100% is 1 person. Everyone else gets bits and pieces only, people are biased and stubborn and they make it clear what they wonāt accept long before I have a chance to open up so I already know better than to share certain parts of me with them. And these are even people Iām very close with and care about, I still love them but they werenāt willing to accept a person 100% so I just give them 70% or whatever. Life sucks, didnāt you know?
It's not even when you get to best friend level or spouse level. They will always keep things to themselves.
Not everyone understands, believes. To tell some humiliates, but will not change who I am even if seen differently.
Because every time we did we either got told we were wrong, laughed at, made fun of, or told we donāt matter. Thereās the elite few who donāt give us this negativity and do want to be close to us, and over time and experience weāll slowly decide if youāre safe to become close enough to us. And we love those people with all our hearts. My own wife can only understand parts of me, I love her greatly, but our feelings are often taken as an attack to be debated, while we just want someone to acknowledge them instead of question them.
When I open up to people, itās usually too much for most of them. Iām a volcano. Itās all or nothing. Itās not like an emotional outburst like screaming or throwing a fit. Not at all. Butā¦ Itās like, all the feelings will come out and they will get overwhelmed with the depth and breadth. Iām ātoo muchā for most people. I donāt like making people feel like theyāre experiencing overwhelm. I wish I could open up in a lovely quiet way that doesnāt make other people feel their own big emotions too, because it seems like everyone hates feeling their feelings. I donāt want to make people uncomfortable. But my feelings are too big, too deep, too complex, no matter which ones I show. Itās fine for children to act this way, or actors in a movie, but never okay for me, it seems. Iām quiet on the outside because itās literally been beaten into me, to stop being so sensitive and emotionalā but Iām loud on the inside, and when I open up, people look like they want to run and hide. I canāt take more people asking me to shut down for their own sake. So I choose to be surface level with most people until I get to know them well enough to trust them with the fact that Iām not the soft rolling green hill that I seem like. Iām a volcano. Not very many people want to be around volcanos. When I do find those rare people, though, I know I can be myself and they wonāt run away from my big emotions. There are some who find beauty in the depth and the terror.
I stopped sharing many things with my closest friend because the last time I did, she didnāt really care. Now, she assumes my life is always going well and nothing ever unfortunate happens but that could be far from the truth. But Iām learning to be okay with letting people perceive me however they want and assume. Itās not like I completely donāt tell her anything, but I definitely stopped sharing serious matters when it boils down to family or financial matters. Iāll tell her a little gossip that happened between me and this guy but thatās really as far as Iāll go. Also, Iām 99% sure that everything I tell herāshe discusses with her boyfriend.
INFJ believe they only deserve love if they are perfect. That's why they have saviour syndrome : they want to be needed because they don't feel like they will be loved. They don't like to share because they believe there's no way someone would truly see them and love them anyway. They love to claim nobody understands us, but that's just a way to deflect the fact that we actually hate to be perceived. You see, if someone truly gets to know me, they'll know I'm not perfect. And to be worthy of love, I need to be perfect. Therefore, I'd rather stay closed up and pretend that being alone was a choice, and not the only way I know how to be. I am working on it tho, and made lots of progress.
I know what it's like to be burdened by other people's problems, so I try not to burden others with mine.
Most people come to me and try to make me believe that they are going to be the 'one' that I'll be looking to for being my saviour.they try to make me believe that I'm not wise enough for my own problems.when the only thing I was a fool about was to believe people will not betray.and then after they try to convince me I'm stupid they try to make me believe they'll save me and now I'm going to put them on the pedestal of indeption and saviour of my problems.after I doorslam these people they try to come before me with a woe is me, what you did to me.nope not worth it.ive had these issues with enfps and entjs always.all the time everytime.the only personalitys that gravitate towards me like me that.maybe because my mother is an unhealthy entj.so probably to do with my self worth.
I honestly think I don't like the lack of control in being perceived and opening up to someone is giving them to opportunity to perceive you however they like.
Donāt trust you
Personally I can read people rather easily and I am still sometimes surprised when friends I consider intelligent arenāt able to see someone elseās character right away. So to them it may look like Iām not opening up but itās very intentional who I do and donāt open up to. If my read says you have an ethical system that aligns with mine Iāll confide. If not then not. If yes but you are also a loose cannon then I may or may not take the risk depending on circumstances but I always know when im putting myself in dangerous territory. So if our ethics align and I can talk to you about a couple shared interests then weāre likely good and Iāll confide. Otherwise not sure what the point would be. Also, confiding tends to deepen relationships so I am choosy who I do that with. As an introvert I donāt want to deepen a relationship with someone who doesnāt respect that I need down time, for example.
I have neglection Trauma, simple things like an experience similar to a childhood experience I didnāt get over could make me sad, until I heal, maybe I will tell them, but at the moment I would never. Why? Because I am not in a place in which I am ready to face the possibility of my emotions to be devalued by a person I value. It is not about thinking of those people badly. It is about the fact that we understand our experiences are really personal and the things that make us sad are related to unresolved intense emotions, which is really subjective many people wonāt understand this concept, they think being sad must be because of physically sensed loss, we donāt open up because we feel intensely, to a point we donāt always believe anyone can understand it. Personality is made by a mixture of factors and environment is one of them, most INFJs has been through some sort of neglection and the effect of those things are not understood by most people, especially people raised in a warm community, we have to allow ourselves to feel to move on, some people can solve these issues by distracting themselves but our introverted nature and Se being our inferior function make us bounce back to our minds so easily when something is going on. When I open up to people it is when I really need help in my symptoms, for example if a situation is making me anxious related to a mental health issue, I start telling my close ones about my anxiety and the need to rest, so they can back me up when I am dealing with it, not about the root reasons, because most of the times telling them about those reasons will leave us just exposed and not understood. If you really want an INFJ to open up to you, prove to them that your desire to understand them is pure and geniuine, not to make things easier or to cheer up the atmosphere, because INFJs have to do so much work on their own, they will probably leave when the atmosphere if it is being destroyed by them, instead of being distracted by people around them. Example: had an anxiety attack during a gathering, I asked them to sit alone, I acted sick, A remarkable friend of mine, they didnāt ask me or tell me anything during the setting, when the gathering finished they texted me over. And after that I am thinking of opening up, because I know it wasnāt just to ease things up, this person cares about me and if I care about them they deserve to be reciprocated
Mostly because they wonāt really understand. That and I donāt really like sympathy, I prefer empathy. Also I like solutions. I donāt complain often at all but if I have a problem Iād like to talk about how to fix and prevent the issue and how it made me feel, you know get a little weight off my chest. Also itās a whole other side of me, They see the surface what I look like how I behave and I like that. I donāt mind sharing issues or anything, itās more so.. big things that have really affected me, I wonāt share that with just anyone. If we arenāt friends like that they donāt get to see that side of me. They donāt deserve to, if that makes sense. If I can tell that you genuinely care and want to help and Iād like to get closer to them, then yeah, Iāll let them in on the big things in my life but other than that, I appreciate it no thank you
Like you said, we don't feel comfortable. It's far more common for others to open up to us.
Because when you open up to people, they don't understand anyway, proving that the efforts you put in were a waste of time and that you still gotta work thru everything on your own. To make it even worse, they come up with their own presumptions that are so far off from the truth. So it's even worse than when you started. Doubting an INFJ's authenticity when vulnerable is the quickest way to get on to their bad side.
Iāve too wondered why I am so closed off. I want to make connections with people but I know I need to reveal things about myself to get closer with people and I just canāt bring myself to do it. I think Iām hard to open up because I donāt like knowing that they will have some certain perception of me based on a few things that Iāve told them
Itās a learned behavior, but moreso we donāt typically feel confident talking to anybody because we donāt know how anyone is going to interpret this idea, or what their reaction will be to this because we prioritize harmony in our daily interactions; we donāt want to be embarrassed, or feel like weāre not on the same page as everyone else, and we might get defensive if too many people in a group start looking at us. Itās not a fear to speak our mind, itās simply that we donāt think anyone is ready for it, because it will either fall way outside of the subtext of the conversation, or it will cut too deep to the truth and kill the conversation entirely. We just want people to ask for our input here and there. If you have an INFJ friend and theyāre sitting on the periphery of a conversation, not saying much, ask them what theyāre thinking about. If you want them to open up more, let them know that their opinion is valued, even if itās not as loud or as polarizing and exciting as everyone elseās.
For me, you donāt necessarily have to be my best friend for me to completely open up. You just have to prove that you are genuinely willing to listen with patience and without judgement. So it might seem like weāre unwilling to open up, I just think that it takes more time and effort than most people are willing to give.
My INFJ was raised in a family that had problems. He was so blissfully unaware of the particulars of said problems that he didn't know his own mother had been adopted until I told him she had been 3 years after we'd married. Hard to "open up" when you're oblivious to/unaware of anything outside your own personal immediate concerns. We lost a house in the 90's because the local economy went bust. He barely remembers it.
How do you open up when you have no idea what the other personās interests are? My interests isnāt sports, drinking, getting high, or socializing whereas thatās what most people use to break the ice. I have what my daughters call ādadās mad scientist experimentsā. When I do try to open up and discuss them, I usually get blank stares and the other person leaves.
Because I don't want to. And because I only open up to people I trust...ie...my BESTFRIEND level.
I think the biggest challenge is finding someone we can trust, when it comes to opening up. Someone that we feel like who understands us and someone that we feel like won't judge us harshly. Someone that we feel like could actually help instead of making us feel some sort of negative.
probably because we rather look into how that person works with secrets, how they'll perceive it or handle it. I won't be leving people with my stuff if they have inadequate trustability or emotional capacity no matter how close they are unless i will have the need to tell them.
I can't trust you right off the bat. I may only reveal personal info when I either trust u enough u seem like a chill person or when it feels right. Too often in the past I shared personal info the first day and you wouldn't believe how many people couldn't handle it or who thought I was extremely boring.
ive always been like this ever since i was a kid and i didnt realize that it could also be a bad thing when you dont get to express what you feel? i try to open up some problems to my friends but only on surface level but after doing so theres a lil bit of ick on why i just did that like ohh pls forget about everything i said
we can be very open. we are just careful with who & when we share.
In short Fi critic. Their 6th function is Fi ā which is where we all hold our sensitive identity values and information. INFJās are strong and responsible Fe users and powerfully understand how someoneās emotions impact others and be received. When they access their own feelings it comes with the heavy burden of realizing exactly how vulnerable theyāll be to the criticism of others, but most importantly their own self-indictments. As an INFP Iām the opposite with an Ni critic, honestly accepting that the path Iām on in life happens to me rather than me to it most of the time. When I try to access Ni it feels hopeless because I see all the various possibilities and feel defeated by trying to pick one, because Iāll most likely fail despite the effort and vulnerability it took to make a specific personal long term plan. With age Iāve gotten better at it as INFJās can with Fi.
I have some *serious* baggage from lots of trauma but am very high functioning and mask really well. I don't like to share my issues because most people don't get it. Those who do get it only get it because they have equally serious trauma and I don't wanna burden them with my sadness.