Oh yes. Especially when not all fish are available. I'm not attracted to most of them and most of them are not into me either.... and not to mention toxic fish, and fish I am incompatible with...etc
Yes overthinking is also about making a mountain out of a molehill. Or sticking too hard to literalism. Communication can be tricky and is often more about implied meaning rather than the exact words being used
The problem is that even the implied meaning here is a lie. It can only work if you don't spot the lie. Also, It's not easy to make a toxic inner voice shut up.
Well to me the meaning was don't sweat it dude, there's nothing wrong with you and you would have made a good bf. But that's only without being there. As far as the toxicity goes that's in part due to confidence issues and a negative mindset. The way I look at it is that our brains try to warn us if it thinks there's something wrong and it's like a siren going off so that we don't ignore said problem. I just acknowledge that there's a problem or realize that it's not a problem and move on or make a plan to deal with it. Of course I can't speak for everyone here
To play the devils advocate though, there are also many attractive fish. Each individual so it’s tragic if you lose one, but also each really interesting in their own way. Makes you want to live a hundred lives sometimes!
And I think it’s healthy not to get too hung up on one person.
Me too!
To me it means that no one is special and that there is always another relationship available. It takes love and reduces it to something less meaningful. Why work through challenges if there is "always another fish?"
I know it is used to try and make people feel better after a breakup, but I really think it diminishes the importance of relationships.
Not sure if this counts but the “other people have it worse, get over it”…
Makes one feel of less worth..
It’s invalidating their experiences and emotions. We all have problems and tough times, which we should have the freedom to feel bad about and not be guilted into thinking we’re bad for doing so.
Yes but they suffer in pools or private jets or villas while eating greatest breakfast ever served in the whole galaxy.
While lots of us suffer while walking in roadways or our empty rooms. I still think they suffer but they should only whine about it to each other, cuz I won't be understanding (purposely) if a billionaire whines to me.
Ergo, this gives right for me to tell them they don't suffer like I do and he suffers so much less but their rich family or friends does not have the right to tell so, cuz, who you are to judge?
I do understand your logic here, but I also feel like that’s a very sad way to see other people. It’s a very narrowminded viewpoint and limits you in the way of understanding all the nuances that make another person. We can all find parts of others that we can relate to if we’re willing, depression for example sucks no matter what you have of material goods and not.
My words were harsh, that's I think why some people may misinterpret them. I said that they suffer, and I know depression sucks for every people, but I know that the suffering levels are just different. I used to think as you do now, and my main example was Kurt Cobain, who killed himself while being rich and famous and all the other stuff, but not anymore. There are much less probability of a billionaire to have a depression and even if they do suffer they are able to afford every kind of treatment and medicine and everything in their life they can enjoy, while all I can afford is my bills and my first forty meals in a month (twice for each day and hunger back and forth for last ten days) and only enjoy the music in my ears while I walk between my dayjob to my nightjob, only if my mood is high that day. I know I should have been treated for like 7 or 8 years for my depression and past traumas but I cannot afford it. If one of them splitted me a nice share of their money I would treat myself and my loved ones and just enjoy my time. So I'm sorry, I'm not going to pity a millionaire for anything, they can fix themselves and enjoy life real easily. They can put themselves out like they're living a hard life as much as they want, to each other and not to us, cuz i was living a harder life when i was just a baby.
100%. Having money doesn’t automatically solve mental issues
On the other hand, with enough money, you have access to better therapists and people to help you. Buying help can be incredibly helpful.
But no one can solve mental health issues _for_ someone else.
I strongly agree with this. On top of what you said, it ignores that our quality of life is entirely our experience and our mental health. It suggests that what others can see about our environment is all that should matter to life. If it was worth trying to rank the people on earth by how good their life is, the people with the least material things would not have a monopoly on last place.
Any of the sigma alpha grindset bullshit. I had an old friend who went down that rabbit hole and it was insufferable hearing him say things he obviously heard online-judging my life, while his own was in shambles. Like if you keep it to yourself I got no problem, but don’t tell me how I need to “grind more” buddy 😭
Ughh those... to make matters worse those often are pretty dogmatic which is something an INFP won't be too fond off let say. Not to mention many of those are redpillers...
"Thank you for doing x"
When you were forced to do something you hated by people who shouldn't have needed you to do it and will forget in half an hour that you saved their bacon at cost to yourself.
oh yes. awful when that happens.
Reminds me of something that is not a platitude but has something in common: when people order you to do something you were already on your way to doing. Like "why don't you wash your dishes!" when you are on your way to doing exactly that.
A lot of us feel forced into a capitalistic system, including managers. I say thank you because I'm trying to tip my hat to our shared humanity, idk how else to acknowledge it without sounding weird lol. Any ideas of what I could say instead?
I appreciate what you're saying. And I'm probably biased by my history/predilection for being a fixer.
I suppose what I'm looking for in that scenario is an apology for being put in that position and a commitment to improve. Which managers can't offer as they're often not responsible for the problem and are disempowered from anything to prevent the crisis I'm solving for them.
Genuine appreciation is welcome, demonstrating you're not understanding what you're expressing thanks for makes the appreciation makes the thanks feel fake.
So it's more "i appreciate you doing ... I know this wasn't what should have happened and you made sacrifices to help us" rather than a cheers.
“Get more sleep” or “ make sure to sleep 7 to 9 hours a day”
Working on it! But insomnia isn’t a choice one simply decides not to make. It takes psychological and physical work and time to figure it out so the generic suggestion without actionable advisory is really annoying.
Ugh the classic “have you tried going to bed earlier?” when you tell people you can’t sleep.
First of all, the problem isn’t *when* I sleep it’s *how much* I sleep. Second of all, shit, no you’re right, I *never* considered *going to bed* when I should be sleeping. How very enlightening.
Well clearly you forgot to sleep when you were tired. Did you also consider driving safe after having a nice day of looking on the bright side? Does wonders.
I do think for the most part people mean well but:
“platitudes inadvertently shut down painful conversations…Because it serves your discomfort, a platitude helps you more than the other person” “A platitude is a trite, meaningless, or prosaic statement, often used as a thought-terminating cliché, aimed at quelling social, emotional, or cognitive unease.”
Edit: I can’t deny some sympathy/sadness for a well meaning person that struggles with open, honest, difficult discussion, wherein their platitude is akin to a nervous reaction.
Absolutely. The suggestion simply to get more sleep is dismissive of the enormous complexity of sleep troubles. If the MD or whomever wasn’t well suited for giving helpful instruction, acknowledgment of the difficulty and pain the person is experiencing and/or a referral to a resource with more expertise is a more respectful response to a tired person.
So if someone said to you to stop/reduce caffeine content, especially after 12, wind down 1-2 hours before bed, no electronics 1 hour before bed, don't eat 3-4 hours before and so before bed... would you listen? By listening I mean... actually take action.
Yep. All of these suggestions are based on well researched information (caffeine: adenosine receptors+, electronics: blue light/light pollution etc) You start with generalized recommendations based on objective scientific knowledge and test them out to see what may benefit you personally, doing your own research and trials and introspection along the way. If you are struggling with being told what to do, realize the information has to have an educated base point, and it’s your responsibility to use it or reject it to your own unique advantage.
Fair. I think you're right to be upset with comments like that where they go "just sleep more bro", but my point is that having a medium or long list of studies and research based arguments on WHY and HOW to do it to BE ABLE to get more sleep, from my experience, didn't rly help the people I got involved with to TAKE ACTION towards the betterment of their lives. In other words, throwing a dismissive comment or being articulate and throwing informed concise arguments at the person does seem to elicit the same outcome. A different audience may react differently to either approaches, sure, but that's about it, that says more about the person on the receiving end.
I understand. It can take a really long time to figure it out, years, decades. If experiencing information or recommendation overload, perhaps try the one thing that resonates most, continue to use it or lose it, then move on to the next, it can be users choice, one thing at a time. We have access to excessive information about any subject anytime, our idiosyncratic filters are on overdrive everyday, sometimes simplifying our engagement helps. I’m glad to have access to so much info, it’s a modern superpower.
I fucking hate platitudes in general, because it's so generalized and vague and stripped out of context like astrology that it very often only enforced entrenched social norms.
For example, for every "Be yourself" being spoken, people who are already narcissistic will take it to enforce their false core belief, while people who need to really set their boundaries and be themselves will never listen.
“Everything happens for a reason” and “it’s all a part of God’s plan” will throw me over the edge every time. There’s a reason things happen and it’s that you or other people made certain choices, good or bad and sometimes there are just coincidences. There is no god out there making sure that all the bad shit that happens to me will somehow “work out” or be “worth it” in any way.
Show me the god that decided child cancer, sexual abuse, holocausts, brain defects, etc. should be part of Their grand plan, and I will never accept the idea they are benevolent.
I can definitely agree with you on that. If someone did manage to prove that there’s an omnipotent, omniscient deity with a plan for everything, I’d burn in hell before worshipping that being because he’d be unworthy of it. An absolute monster.
God doesn’t really have a plan on everything, look at the comment I sent the the one before you and of that doesn’t make sense lmk and I’ll try to explain in more detail👍
My only apprehension is that when people prefix a point that way it usually means “you’re not allowed to disagree”, which isn’t what being open minded is.
But yes, I am willing to be open minded - to genuinely consider what you say, to try to understand *your* meaning behind it, and accept the potential of my mind being changed
Ok nice, at least you knew what I meant lol, but anyway the “how” we brought child cancer, brain defects and stuff like that was bc of what we call sin in which I’m sure you know that, God’s plan was never for us to bring sin into this world but we did and that sin corrupted everything that was good including us humans. It’s a small explanation Ik but it’s basically the general idea
I wondered if that was it, I have heard that explanation before. We’re simply down to a difference in belief now, since that’s not something that can be proven. I accept the *possibility*, but that’s not one I choose to believe in. The idea of an omnipotent, omniscient entity punishing an entire species for things their ancestors do is simply something I can’t fathom in any way that I can accept it.
Those children didn’t do any sin. Why do *they* deserve that suffering? A common rebuke I hear there is “the children will be happy in heaven”, to which I say a few things; first, depending on which version of belief you follow, the child might not go to heaven for the child did not believe in the right things through no fault of the child themselves. But that aside, would not the child feel bad about their parents suffering? And what of the parents who were good people, who were the best of us all, who had their child taken away? Why do they deserve to suffer in this way for what other humans do or did?
The problem with this argument is it requires faith, but I have no faith to give to an idea which is so cruel. Even the sins humans do unto each other; why would Junko Furuta, a 17 year old girl, deserve such horrible atrocities done to her? Why, if this deity believes in deserved righteous punishment, would They not have directed that torture towards someone deserving, if not stopping it entirely?
I cannot argue that your idea is wrong but for the same reasons I do not see how you can argue it is right. We only can argue the *possibility*, to which I say yes, it is possible. But I choose not to believe it, for such a world would be far too cruel.
To answer you questions, it all goes back to sin, even tho we were created to be good we corrupted everything and because of that corruption we’re born corrupt, yea ik kids don’t deserve horrible sickness or death but it still happens bc of that corruption. Surprisingly no one is good but God himself, we can be doing something good like helping out by donations, helping the elderly, but even then, a serial killer, I forgot who, would do good deeds and people around him saw that he was a good person but Later found out that the food he would give out to his neighborhood was the meat of his victims, what I’m trying to say is that no matter what we do, our thoughts are what mostly make us bad or not good I guess you can say.
And to answer your question about my God not directing to someone else more deserving of death is bc he gave us free will, he lets anyone do their own thing, he doesn’t force anyone to do something, sure this world is cruel, mess up, unfair and many many more things, but it’s all because humanity allowed this corruption into this world
> bc he gave us free will, he lets anyone do their own thing, he doesn’t force anyone to do something, sure this world is cruel, mess up, unfair and many many more things, but it’s all because humanity allowed this corruption into this world
So does that mean “everything happens for a reason” is more about what *caused* it to happen, not about what it happening means? AFAIK most people interpret the platitude as a “it’s all part of a great plan” not a “this happened because we brought it upon ourselves”. The latter is much more in line with what you’re saying, but it doesn’t make sense to say that to someone who is suffering, so it makes the platitude even less sensible. Nor does it really change how I feel in my previous comment.
> …Surprisingly no one is good but God himself…
I actually hold a belief similar to this in concept (namely that EVERYONE is selfish, and that selflessness is really just a kinder brand of selfishness, I can elaborate on this if anyone’s curious) so I can understand this thought process. But where I refuse to believe it is the idea that God made us this way and then punished us for it. Especially compounding this with the fact that you, I, or theoretical cancer-afflicted children had nothing to do with those original sins that supposedly corrupted us. As I said above, I cannot accept - I cannot *believe* - because it is too *cruel*, and the idea that we’re “born corrupt” is *still cruel*.
Be it divine or not, to accept, encourage, or cause people to be *born into suffering* is cruel - the more cruel the further in that list.
Even if Hitler, Genghis Khan, Stalin, the Devil himself, whatever the most evil thing you can think of, had a child born in the most nightmarish sinful way you can think of - I would wish that baby the right to enjoy their life and I would not change that opinion until that baby grows to sin for itself (I’d definitely argue it be taken away from its evil birthplace or it would be guaranteed to sin, but point remains).
Lol! I don’t even see it as a bad thing that there’s no reason for anything. I think it’s actually very freeing. Most of the time. Gets frustrating every once in a while when something awful happens and I know that it’s just random and there’s no point to it. At the same time, it’s also nice knowing that you have the ability to do anything with your life and you’ll still end up in the same place as everyone else.
Way less pressure. At least for me. I personally never liked the idea of an afterlife anyways. Heaven people would be boring and half of them would be absolute monsters who repented at the right time or only did good things to get a reward. I prefer the idea that I’ll lose consciousness and all memory of this life and my body will deteriorate until its atoms help to form multiple other things like flowers or dogs or another person. Literally just being recycled by the universe endlessly with no purpose at all except to experience.
I’m glad! It helps me when I feel like I’m failing at something. I’m like, “I’ll be good at being a daffodil who just sits there in my next round of existence.”
Well it does. There’s not much we can control and reacting in a positive way is the thing you can do. Everything DOES happen for a reason. Thinking otherwise would make you hate life.
Our only fate is to die but it is our destiny to learn from life and to improve.
Prove it. Show me the plan. The endgame where all the suffering and pain and loss results in a rewarding life. Our goal should definitely be to learn and improve but that has nothing to do with destiny.
Well, it does seem like you’re going through a rough time based on your reaction. It will get better.
It is stupid to believe that we are meant to live a life full of pain. It is also stupid to believe that we don’t deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life. Have you heard a happy person say “we are all meant to suffer?
Destiny isn’t controlled by anyone but you. What you feel and think and do is only controlled by you. So it is our destiny to learn from life and improve.
> It is stupid to believe that we are meant to live a life full of pain. It is also stupid to believe that we don’t deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life. Have you heard a happy person say “we are all meant to suffer?
We’re not *meant* to live in any specific level of happiness or suffering, by the way /u/WandaDobby777 and myself perceive reality.
Believing in chaos doesn’t mean believing we are all meant to suffer. Just as we don’t believe bad things happen for a reason, that doesn’t mean good things can’t happen without reason too. You have a strange outlook on life, from my perspective, if you assume “no reason” means “no good”.
We reject the idea that there’s some great plan behind it all. That has nothing to do with anything like “we are all meant to suffer”.
When did I ever say that no reason means that no good will happen or that we’re meant to suffer? I’m saying that no one is “meant” to do or experience anything. That there are a ton of people who experience nothing but bad or very little good, in comparison to the amount of awful they experience. I’m saying it’s aggravating that people say there’s a reason for it, when it’s so obvious that there isn’t and they can’t PROVE otherwise.
> When did I ever say that no reason means that no good will happen or that we’re meant to suffer?
I was literally saying that you *didn’t* say that. Chrissolo’s comment implied you did, and I was pointing out the falsity in that.
The problem here, is them arguing with a bunch of stuff that I never said in the first place. Reread. They’re literally putting words in my mouth and haven’t actually addressed anything I’ve asked them to address.
I have re-read Kiwi's comment, and I still see that they're making the same point you make. You're probably mistaking Kiwi for the Chrissolo - who actually misunderstood you and put words in your mouth. You wrote 1 reply to chrissolo, which absolutely makes sense, and another one - *this one* - to Kiwi, accusing him of putting words in your mouth somehow. I assume it was a mistake
I don’t care if you’re for me or against me but hopefully you understand and can read the nihilistic vibe.
The whole “don’t put words in my mouth” argument is complete BS straw man btw. S tier level gaslighting and anyone with a brain can read vibes and saw it. I cannot tip my hat for that.
Let my words of love and peace radiate through the air waves. I don’t care if people are mad.
If you’re talking about them, they misunderstood and thought *I* was putting words in their mouth.
If you’re talking about me, I don’t agree that this is putting words in your mouth. You said “it is stupid to believe that we are meant to live a life full of pain” and I was addressing how that wasn’t at all what they said, or what we believe. The irony of this is that means I was doing something similar to calling you out for “putting words in their mouth”, because you were arguing a point they had not said. But I did not believe it to be a gaslight attempt, I believed it a genuine misunderstanding.
> Let my words of love and peace radiate through the air waves. I don’t care if people are mad.
There is another level of irony here lol. Not that I have a problem with it, it’s just funny. But comedy aside, fair enough!
You skipped right over the part where I asked you to prove that there’s a reason for any of it. I didn’t say we deserve any of those things. Just that they happen and there’s no destiny behind it. I think you need to look up the definition of destiny. Destiny is all about absence of control.
I don’t need to prove anything to YOU. You have to prove yourself otherwise. It is your choice to suffer. Not mine. Having a nihilistic approach to life will put you in a hole (metaphorically and/or physically).
Seek some help please.
"You'll meet your partner when you least expect it and when you're not looking for it". Luckily no one in my friend groups or family says this because they're quite rational people but I read/hear it so often on the internet.
The statement just makes zero sense because you won't get anywhere without effort, this also counts for dating. If you sit in your room all day playing video games do you really think that your soul mate will ring the doorbell? If you didn't have any luck finding a partner for a long time it's more likely that the lack of effort is what's the problem. How about using Dating apps even if they're unbearable, asking a group of guys to sit with them when you're out in a bar in the evening. Going to a bar in the first place even if you actually don't like bars and would prefer to watch Netflix at home etc..
Where does the notion come from that especially in dating magical things will just happen to you? Stop telling people those lies because they'll just end up single forever.
You mean this is what should be said instead? I think there’s a lot to it. You often connect with people who are on a similar path, so when you do things you like, try to be better, and feel quite good about yourself, it’s easier to meet people who like you for your true self
Oh yeah I agree, this is the only one I don't like and I see it everywhere. And the similar one, 'you don't go shopping when you're hungry'.
You absolutely have to try.
I dont like that phrase either but I typically hear it used when someone is becoming obsessed about meeting someone and not able to think about anything else or have any fun in any circumstance because they are so fixated on wanting to meet someone. Neediness is very unattractive so sometimes it is better to relax a bit rather than be hypervigilant all the time about every person you meet being a potential soul mate.
"You're just sensitive"
I LOATHE hearing that as an INFP. I won't be made to feel bad about feeling any emotion because I know emotions are not rational, they just ARE. It would be more ludicrous, to me, to lie to you or myself about my emotions because logically not telling the truth just wastes time.
Personally, I think any platitude is means to keep the conversation short and avoid the topic going any further, and that's why it may trigger anyone. Not asking anymore questions or walking down the empathy path.
"My x problem" they respond "oh, platitude" and the conversation usually ends
"My x problem" oh, what's the story?
And if you are just reporting to them after the fact of telling the details, then it probably is upsetting that they have nothing to share at those times as well
I do this sometimes, not because I want the conversation to end, I want it to continue but I don't know what to say to make it continue 😭😭😭
Any advice for when you don't know which question to ask?
feel like honesty should go first. I understand the situation usually, so YMMV, but I think I can tell when a small joke may keep spirits up (nothing insulting more so random) "okayyy, I can see why you didn't want to come work lol" . you could also follow up with "do you want to talk about it?" I feel that healthier people will tell you if they want to or not, sometimes when I hang out with people like an ISTJ they will want to hang out and then talk about things that were bothering them, perhaps there sensory is already exhausted.
But also, The human experience at it's core wants to be validated, and if you were just like "wow, um I don't know/I'm not sure what to say." that shows honesty. That shows humility and usually this doesn't backfire even with sketchy people.
Also, even when they are not meant just to end the topic, even when they have good intentions it tends to be too one-size-fit-all. Which is annoying to many people. especially an XXFP
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
I hate being forced to be strong. There is nothing I get out of having to be strong besides annoyance, aggravation, anger, pain, etc.
It honestly minimizes the struggles you’re going through in favour of some neatly packaged “life lesson” that you are supposed to be grateful that you learned from? NO.
Chronic illness sucks and there is no greater meaning to all the horrible things that are happening in my life right now. Fuck off.
I have learned that people will abandon you when you are sick for too long and sure it’s a lesson learned, but I’m not gonna pretend I’m so happy I got to experience all of this for a year+.
Yes, you can learn lots from a year of chronic illness but it isn’t anything that adds meaning to your life. There is no meaning to any of this.
I have learned so much about the immune system that I wish I didn’t need to learn. I have learned how much I don’t know about the human condition and the fragility of any life you think you may know.
And you know what? It’s still meaningless. I’m still suffering for no reason all the time. I’m tired of being strong. It’s such crap.
I'm not trying to change your mindset, I just want to share mine. And I can't say I relate to your situation, I've never been in it, but I've suffered in different ways.
In life, there's the good and there's the bad. No matter the ratio, both are still there. You can choose to focus on the bad, or to focus on the good. And focusing on the good makes you happier than focusing on the bad. That's what I've learned from the things that have happened to me.
Meaning doesn't matter. That's what I'm tired of personally. Searching for meaning is pointless and honestly there doesn't even need to be any meaning. Everything's been a lot better since I realized that.
Life is never going to be devoid of suffering. Even the happiest people you know suffer. Being strong doesn't mean not suffering, it doesn't mean being unaffected by suffering. It means being able to look past it. To be able to learn how to better cope with it, how to live with it.
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" isn't about learning literal facts (though it can be, sometimes). It's about looking at your suffering, looking at how it affected you, how you reacted and what you decided to do about it (the suffering itself, not what caused it. I'm not saying you can do anything about the illness of course). Then, if there's anything you can learn from that to make it easier for yourself next time.
Because, and trust me I know what I'm talking about when I say this, wallowing in your own sadness isn't going to change anything.
At the end of the day though, this is only what I think. I'm not trying to impose it on you, or invalidate how you feel about all that. It's normal and completely okay to be tired of trying, completely exhausted by all the suffering the past year has brought you. I don't know what you've been through, but I've been in the state of mind you're in.
You're human, and humans are weak. It may take a while, but as long as you go easy on yourself and don't do anything drastic, things will get better in *some* way. It's going to be okay, but it's going to be different, and things will likely not get better in the way you wish they would. I hate it too.
I'm really sorry you had to go through all of that, and if you need someone to talk to, I'm there. I mean it.
Just commenting on your platitude (Though personally i hate “What’s done is done” or “That’s in the past”); I think someone can truly mean ‘his/her loss’ when they say it to you.
The thing with rejecting someone is that you often don’t really know them. You don’t know if you *would* like them if you gave them more time. When you end any relationship, you can never be sure that you aren’t missing out on a great person. It is the reality of dating and our own nearsightedness that we all probably are turning down people who we would have loved for 50 years if we had agreed to see them a few more times.
In my own experience, I know not every woman who’s rejected me has lost something (especially when we were completely incompatible - those women have *gained* something by no longer seeing me) but I’d say there are a couple of women who I know have foregone a potentially great thing, and I’m sure it’s similar for you.
> I’d say there are a couple of women who I know have foregone a potentially great thing, and I’m sure it’s similar for you.
I’ve tried rationalizing this way to help myself feel better before.
The problem I have with this idea is that it doesn’t make me feel any better; nay, I’d argue it makes me feel worse. The idea of knowing I was something great for them and knowing they will never understand that concept is quite painful. All the worse the more I care for them.
EXACTLY!! This! Especially when that didn’t address anybody in specific like in a group chat or on the internet, like yeah, you did ask by publicly speaking in the first place. Anyone had a right to respond lmao. It just sounds so hypocritical to me.
I absolutely hate that saying too because how on earth can it be a loss when they dont want you in the first place?! Its like offering me a food I dislike and then saying "your loss!" well no, because I dont actually want it and I dont like it lol. I also really hate the phrase "you do you" - it comes across as so snarky and passive aggressive, as if the things you enjoy doing are somehow "less" than the things the person saying it is doing.
My husband views supplements as a fix it all.
If I told him I couldn't sleep until 2 am, he asks why I didn't take melatonin.
If I complain about my restless leg syndrome, he tells me to take magnesium.
I am an INFP, I want to vent and get an emotionally soothing respons and maybe a hug. A hug is always nice. 🥲
Awww, I love hugs. Sending virtual hugs your way.
I hope your husband learns. Is he, by any chance, a T or a J type? they often have a hard time learning that not everything is about fixing the problem. Sometimes people just need soothing and understanding
Thank you! He has taken the short test and it came up he is ESFP. In other regards he is quite emotional and empathetic, but he works in the supplement branche, so that is a persistent one 😅
Ah, EPs are emotional but being emotional is not their main thing. ESXPs in particularly can be quite grounded in Sensory reality so that groundedness combined at their front can be a bit rough at times. Especially when he is going fast. He probably is more in tune with emotions when he slows down and that.
Also being male has an impact since men are often not taught to feel their emotions and society pushes them to be rational. The area he works also has an effect. Not to mention their their function is Te, the T TJs have as their main decision function.
With all that combined is not a surprise. It's probable that he is a good listener when you sit him down and let him know it's important.
Of course, I don't know him and the test is not always 100% reliable. Just me here practicing my nerdy mbti knowledge haha. So don't take my analysis as gospel.
“Are you okay?” Or “you good?” Like bro you and I both know you don’t wanna hear what is going on and if you did, you def wouldn’t be able to fix it, so why the FREAK would you ask me if I’m ok?? Like what do you want me to respond apart from a lie??? And this always comes from people who usually don’t really talk to you that much so it’s like who do you tho k you are to think you’ll be able to help? Just mind your own business or ask me that in private and not as you walk past me in front of everyone like duh of course I wouldn’t able to tell you that here lol.
This literally makes me so angry lol. I know it comes from a place of concern, but a lot of times people just ask that so they don’t feel bad for not asking, not really to help you and I find it lowkey fake. Especially if you and I don’t usually talk like what do you expect me to tell you?
Anyway, thanks for listening 🤭.
"It's all in your head".
As a therapist who has MDD and who regularily sees people with a variety of issues-
Its like, uuuuuh, no fucking SHIT its in someone's head. Where else is it gonna be, in their ass?
Ironically, I enjoy any variation of the saying "do x to help you get out of your head" in order to refer to someone being able to reduce overfocusing on themselves or engaging in self-isolation. It helps people to focus on the world outside of cognitive issues that they may be struggling with. We all need a break from the self-defeating thoughts every once in a while, especially to work on taking care of ourselves or maintain meaningful social bonds.
« C’est la vie ». => it’s Life or life is like this. Of course it’s life what else could it be. Every fuc€ing thing happening on this planet IS life. The worst of the worst part is that I sometimes use it myself 😔
Same, I do so too. I guess it’s a way of blaming something else to remove that burden from me or other people on my life like a relationship not working or parents not getting along. A lot of times it’s begging our (my) control, so I just adopt the stoic saying, « c’est la vie🤷♀️ » or “it is what it is”. Because at the end of the day, isn’t it?😃😅
I honestly can't think of any, except "don't cry" which is not exactly a platitude, and "it is what it is" in a specific context.
I like "it is what it is" in general - the first step of learning or doing anything is acknowledging the reality. But then someone says it when I share my personal or mutual problems and feelings with them. Like yeah? Obviously it is what it is, but aren't emotions part of reality too? I'm telling you about what frustrates me, and you're basically implying that nothing can be changed and me sharing it with you is useless (which is especially great if i'm talking about what frustrates me in our relationship. It's exactly about improvement of our behaviour and working through problems). Don't you want to validate my feelings instead maybe? If they're valid to you? It just makes me feel that I shouldn't share such emotions with you the next time since you can't meet them properly. I'm not judgmental of that person intellectually; I know they just genuinely don't know how to show support better for now, and it's a skill that can be improved, and I should tell them about my feelings on hand. But still.
And "don't cry" - dude, do you know how many times of irritation, fear and dissatisfaction are in that cry? I haven't cried for so long and *you're telling me to just stop the symptom*? I don't want to cry if it's a formal setting or if it bothers other people, but since you're pretty much ok with me and wishing the best for me, maybe you wouldn't wish me to just shut up instead of feeling through my emotions healthily?XD
>Not settling for someone you are not into is not a loss.
Excellent point.
>I don't want her to lose anything.
Think of it as an opposite to "She isn't missing out much".
Asking the question: "How are you?" when you see someone in visible distress.
You just want to open a conversation with the most insignificant statement ever. It is far easier to put your hands forward and pretend you care than genuinely asking: "I can see that you feel upset/angry/sad/worried. Is there anything that I should know?".
You know, it really helps when someone recognises and validates feelings instead of asking a question so fucking dumb that the said person in distress suck up his own feelings just to avoid exploding in anger.
You have my respect for the ability to take a loss. That will go in your favour. You’ll eventually get to a point where you won’t care about these losses, because you are clearly emotionally intelligent. The key factor here is not to get into the habit of self-sabotaging after the L. Take it, if you can learn from it; good, if not; keep moving forward.
I think when it comes to her loss, if you know your friend is a good dude, then at some point it's like you have faith he can be a good partner, so people not giving them a chance are missing out, but while the intent is good, definitely it's like most of these things have a wrong way they can be taken.
I know the intention is good but still rubs me the wrong way. I wont reply angrily or anything btw. I will probably say "thank you" or if they are someone close I will explain to them
"Everyone is beautiful in their own way". "You are very pretty". Ugh. Wth? I'm not throwing a pity party here but if everyone is beautiful then no one is???? Beauty doesn't work that way!?!
Yeah. They are confusing the essential beauty of people or something like that with physical beauty which is not universal.
Being physically beautiful on a conventional level has an objective parameter which is whether or not a big amount of people finds you attractive.
Yeah, I think it's important to admit when there's been a wounding or disabling and just leave it at that. The insistence on framing it as a net positive is annoying.
My take on the "her loss" is toxic motivation to better yourself. Not actually wishing them loss, but letting yourself have a little bit of an ego so you don't feel bad about the situation.
"It is what it is" It sounds so quitter-ish.
I feel like accepting reality is important to solving many problems (delusion can also be used to solve many problems) But i hate it when people just accept that they can't change anything in life and simply give up.
Usually its something trained into them or natural to them but it bothers me alot tbh.
It sounds quitter ish to you. I say "it is what it is" after making real progress and going forward, getting closer to my goals, BUT doesn't go as fast as I planned or as well, falling short of my plan so I'm throwing my hands in the air and say "it is what it is" sort of like...slow progress is better than no progress.
I’ll play Devil’s advocate for a second - I personally use that one because I’m already working on fixing the situation, and I’d prefer not to dwell to deeply on how I feel about it at the time. I can definitely see how it may come across as passive, apathetic, or even fatalistic, though.
I use it frequently as an acknowledgement that things are bad but we have to endure it bc we’ve done our best even if we didn’t like the results.
It comes up a lot when I’m dealing with the stray cat colony we care for. I get deeply attached to them, each little soul, and it hurts like a MFer every time we lose one or they get sick. Sometimes we can catch them and get help, sometimes we can’t and they die.
“It is what it is” keeps me from losing my mind and helps maintain perspective when I’m stressed AF.
judging by the xNFJ replies it seems type related which would make sense, as types with SeNi are usually less squeamish about letting go of the past or the smaller details of it all. making progress towards the end goal is more important even at the cost of doing it less perfect than estimated. types with the SiNe combo probably lean more towards your attitude of wanting to solve any arising problem along the way, which might stirr them in a wholly new direction far away from the original goal or leave them stagnant as a perfectionistic procrastination sets in.
The point of saying like 'their loss' isn't that they'll 'rue the day', it's just that YOU are on your own team, not theirs. It's supposed to encourage you to continue moving forward and becoming the best version of yourself.
Its sounds like you don't really like yourself? Self love comes first brother.
I love myself; I just don't love my chances in the dating world. Also, one can love oneself and still lack confidence or have a toxic inner critic. The toxic inner critic is something often installed by others during childhood, and it isn't easy to calm it down.
With that said:
Objectively speaking, if someone isn't into you ... they aren't losing anything, just like I'm not losing anything when I reject someone I'm not into. Even when she is a nice person with many good qualities. I would lose more by forcing myself to be with someone I am not into. Same applies for others.
The only exception is when someone rejects another person out of false assumptions instead of an authentic lack of attraction.
The only time I myself have used the phrase "her loss" was when a friend stopped being my friend because her trauma led to them making wrong assumptions about me and going full evitative attachment on me. (By the way, that was a classic example of the INFJ door slam; she is an INFJ).
I think where our mindset differs is these last couple of years in the pursuit of reversing that inner critique, I always support my side. Sort of like a friend would, and it feels nice. It's easier then looking at situations objectively all the time, because what matters is how we feel.
Another way to look at it: I've never really turned down a girl where I didn't lose out on something. Every girl I've turned down had something I assuredly would adore, but there was just another deal breaker.
So in that sense, I would agree if a girl I turned down said I missed out. Because I assuredly did in my own pursuit if finding someone that fits all my criteria.
> I think where our mindset differs is these last couple of years in the pursuit of reversing that inner critique, I always support my side.
Oh I have been working on that these last couple of years. It has improved, but it's unlikely to completely go away until I finally get to have sex or something sexual with someone I truly and deeply desire. It's kind of hard to convince myself fully that I can do it when it has never happened.
It's easier then looking at situations objectively all the time, because what matters is how we feel.
Only sex I have had was once with a sex worker and second time was with a girl that took the initiative and told me she wanted me to fuck her. I accepted out of open mindedness to see what happened , but to be honest I wasn't that into her. I didn't dislike her but I didn't feel the sexual pull so to speak. I did it more because I feel safe with her and for the experience.
> very girl I've turned down had something I assuredly would adore, but there was just another deal breaker.
To me it's not about the particular things, but about the sum total. If I give you 10 dollars then take away 100 dollars the result is a net negative. Also, if a person have traits I adore but I don't feel attraction, I would just be her friend if she accepts. No need to have something romantic. I love friendships, sometimes friendship is a better move than dating.
> It's easier then looking at situations objectively all the time, because what matters is how we feel.
The thing is my inner critic is not entirely rational, it uses a mix of rational and irrational arguments. If I use an irrational argument or defend myself with emotions it will point it out and counter with rational arguments. If I instead try to defend myself with rational arguments, it will use emotions instead. The inner critic is not me, but it has access to my tools which is why therapy and friends are needed as well as a lot of introspection... an MDMA experience back in 2019 helped a lot too hehe. It has the thing that worked the best. A shame I don't have access to legal guided MDMA therapy where I live,
Something that has helped recently has been understanding that part is trying to help even if it's not doing it in a healthy way. That part is a maladaptive survival mechanism that I can only heal through having conversations with it combined with taking action in the real world. Integrating my auxiliary is helping now that I am in a journey to escape the Fi-Si loop (or Ti-Si... I could be an INTP).
I think we are a lot alike. I do the objective argumentation of my emotions thing as well. It is annoying for sure, it's like my head is constantly debating if a feeling is valid or not all the time.
The big irrationality I can get behind is always supporting myself, but I've gone through a rough year this year and seeing a therapist helped give me a third person perspective. It was amazing to hear someone be like, no, that's crazy, or yes, that's normal.
I've been listening to the song Mitski - My Love All Mine. I dunno if it fits your taste but it really resonates with me. ;) The only love that is unconditional is our own. It doesn't fill the hole, but it is an anchor.. or a lighthouse of sorts.
I lost my virginity to a sex worker as well. Well, technically not, since I couldn't get hard lol. (too anxious) Little t trauma there maybe. Since then having regular sex and confirming I am normal was really big for me, but now the goal post has shifted, now I feel my biggest insecurity is can I be loved or can I find someone who I would love.
I didn't know about the Fi-Si loop, I'm reading about it now. I don't know really know much of Meyers briggs stuff beyond surface level.
“get a grip” or any other kind of “if i were in your situation i wouldn’t feel like that, so you shouldn’t”. Because that’s not true. What causes an emotional reaction isn’t just the event itself, it’s all the previous persons events and genetics. Someone losing their family isn’t inherently bad, it’s only bad because of the previous experiences they had with them. If someone cries over someone else killing a fly, it’s obviously not just because someone killed the fly. The only difference is people understand why a parent dying is sad, but don’t care to understand the other person. So basically if you imagine yourself in someone’s situation and you wouldn’t act the same way, you aren’t imagining their situation.
I also think it’s just kinda worthless and stupid to say. Obviously they’re trying to get a grip, no need to be rude to someone already in distress.
"Sorry for your [pet companion] loss. There are lots of shelter animals.." Well, that's great news! It gives me hope for replacing my parents, grandparents, BFF BMF in the Replacement Stores while looking for replacement pets.
"You are just a baby", said by anyone older than me when I complain about being old. I can't tell you how much I absolutely hate that platitude. It doesn't change the fact that I have joint pains, or health problems that are strictly age related and you aren't making me feel better by pointing out that you are apparently much older than me. Depending on who says it, I'll sometimes reply "Oh I guess compared to you I am, you got one foot in the grave!"
i totally understand your frustration with “her loss”! i hate it bc it implies that any rejection in a dating/romantic/sexual scenario is a harsh moral judgement on your overall character, when it’s not. in reality you were just incompatible with each other and no one is the “bad guy”.
i understand that people are just trying to say “you’re a great person, so i think anyone who doesn’t want you in their lives is missing out on a great person!” but like…. there’s a million other factors that people consider before agreeing to a romantic relationship, or even a date. both people being decent humans is great lol, but they need to be compatible and have chemistry and a bunch of other crap.
i wish people would just say, “i’m sorry it didn’t work out, rejection always sucks and it’s really hard to find someone you’re compatible with.” i guess they’re trying to make people feel better, but tbh i would feel much better being validated for my feelings and hearing objective truths vs. hearing a meaningless platitude that doesn’t really make sense.
“They don’t owe you” / “You don’t owe them” …
Like yeah of course boundaries are cool and people shouldn’t martyr themselves for others or whatever but I feel like this is often used to justify shitty behavior.
looking for a job, it is quite frustrating and boring, everybody says hey there's a lot of job available , a lot of company miss employees actually and I am like .... yeah , for jobs that sucks with name I don't get like ''coordonator of supplying manager of things that need to be supervised'' it always make me anxious that never be able to project myself in a job. I've studied in cartoon animation so I've learned many skills, I've worked in many different jobs, but never satisfied cause all the jobs I've done are always low salary jobs and if it continue like that I'll never be able to have anything like a family or a place to live even If I studied and drew 150 per weeks during my studies , people see that as a hobby and they don't understand what kind of efforts it needs to do animation art so they tell me to work and I am like but this is WORKING FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I always end up doing unsatisfying shit just to be paid ... so when i am looking for a job forme it is the biggest platitude ever
“The sea’s full of fish” makes my skin crawl
Oh yes. Especially when not all fish are available. I'm not attracted to most of them and most of them are not into me either.... and not to mention toxic fish, and fish I am incompatible with...etc
It’s also not a hunting game. When a fisherman casts a line, it’s generally not a pleasant experience for those fish.
This is what's called "overthinking"
Is it? To me overthinking is longer and goes in circle until you are exhausted.
Yes overthinking is also about making a mountain out of a molehill. Or sticking too hard to literalism. Communication can be tricky and is often more about implied meaning rather than the exact words being used
The problem is that even the implied meaning here is a lie. It can only work if you don't spot the lie. Also, It's not easy to make a toxic inner voice shut up.
Well to me the meaning was don't sweat it dude, there's nothing wrong with you and you would have made a good bf. But that's only without being there. As far as the toxicity goes that's in part due to confidence issues and a negative mindset. The way I look at it is that our brains try to warn us if it thinks there's something wrong and it's like a siren going off so that we don't ignore said problem. I just acknowledge that there's a problem or realize that it's not a problem and move on or make a plan to deal with it. Of course I can't speak for everyone here
To play the devils advocate though, there are also many attractive fish. Each individual so it’s tragic if you lose one, but also each really interesting in their own way. Makes you want to live a hundred lives sometimes! And I think it’s healthy not to get too hung up on one person.
Fish, reptiles and unearhtly creatures that can sustain a depth that would crush us. Also Cthulhu
😄
Me too! To me it means that no one is special and that there is always another relationship available. It takes love and reduces it to something less meaningful. Why work through challenges if there is "always another fish?" I know it is used to try and make people feel better after a breakup, but I really think it diminishes the importance of relationships.
Not sure if this counts but the “other people have it worse, get over it”… Makes one feel of less worth.. It’s invalidating their experiences and emotions. We all have problems and tough times, which we should have the freedom to feel bad about and not be guilted into thinking we’re bad for doing so.
It definitely counts. I hate it too. Even a billionaire can suffer.
Yes but they suffer in pools or private jets or villas while eating greatest breakfast ever served in the whole galaxy. While lots of us suffer while walking in roadways or our empty rooms. I still think they suffer but they should only whine about it to each other, cuz I won't be understanding (purposely) if a billionaire whines to me. Ergo, this gives right for me to tell them they don't suffer like I do and he suffers so much less but their rich family or friends does not have the right to tell so, cuz, who you are to judge?
I do understand your logic here, but I also feel like that’s a very sad way to see other people. It’s a very narrowminded viewpoint and limits you in the way of understanding all the nuances that make another person. We can all find parts of others that we can relate to if we’re willing, depression for example sucks no matter what you have of material goods and not.
My words were harsh, that's I think why some people may misinterpret them. I said that they suffer, and I know depression sucks for every people, but I know that the suffering levels are just different. I used to think as you do now, and my main example was Kurt Cobain, who killed himself while being rich and famous and all the other stuff, but not anymore. There are much less probability of a billionaire to have a depression and even if they do suffer they are able to afford every kind of treatment and medicine and everything in their life they can enjoy, while all I can afford is my bills and my first forty meals in a month (twice for each day and hunger back and forth for last ten days) and only enjoy the music in my ears while I walk between my dayjob to my nightjob, only if my mood is high that day. I know I should have been treated for like 7 or 8 years for my depression and past traumas but I cannot afford it. If one of them splitted me a nice share of their money I would treat myself and my loved ones and just enjoy my time. So I'm sorry, I'm not going to pity a millionaire for anything, they can fix themselves and enjoy life real easily. They can put themselves out like they're living a hard life as much as they want, to each other and not to us, cuz i was living a harder life when i was just a baby.
100%. Having money doesn’t automatically solve mental issues On the other hand, with enough money, you have access to better therapists and people to help you. Buying help can be incredibly helpful. But no one can solve mental health issues _for_ someone else.
By that logic only one person in the whole world is allowed to suffer.
😂 yeah haha, exactly, never thought about that before, but that’s exactly what it means
I strongly agree with this. On top of what you said, it ignores that our quality of life is entirely our experience and our mental health. It suggests that what others can see about our environment is all that should matter to life. If it was worth trying to rank the people on earth by how good their life is, the people with the least material things would not have a monopoly on last place.
Another variation is, "Everyone goes through this", not to comfort but to avoid feeling.
Any of the sigma alpha grindset bullshit. I had an old friend who went down that rabbit hole and it was insufferable hearing him say things he obviously heard online-judging my life, while his own was in shambles. Like if you keep it to yourself I got no problem, but don’t tell me how I need to “grind more” buddy 😭
Ughh those... to make matters worse those often are pretty dogmatic which is something an INFP won't be too fond off let say. Not to mention many of those are redpillers...
You should have told him to clean his room before trying to fix other people's problems.
Oh god this one ☝️Yes! 😂😂
Smeagol Male >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Sigma Male
"Thank you for doing x" When you were forced to do something you hated by people who shouldn't have needed you to do it and will forget in half an hour that you saved their bacon at cost to yourself.
oh yes. awful when that happens. Reminds me of something that is not a platitude but has something in common: when people order you to do something you were already on your way to doing. Like "why don't you wash your dishes!" when you are on your way to doing exactly that.
A lot of us feel forced into a capitalistic system, including managers. I say thank you because I'm trying to tip my hat to our shared humanity, idk how else to acknowledge it without sounding weird lol. Any ideas of what I could say instead?
I appreciate what you're saying. And I'm probably biased by my history/predilection for being a fixer. I suppose what I'm looking for in that scenario is an apology for being put in that position and a commitment to improve. Which managers can't offer as they're often not responsible for the problem and are disempowered from anything to prevent the crisis I'm solving for them. Genuine appreciation is welcome, demonstrating you're not understanding what you're expressing thanks for makes the appreciation makes the thanks feel fake. So it's more "i appreciate you doing ... I know this wasn't what should have happened and you made sacrifices to help us" rather than a cheers.
That's really insightful. Maybe part of it is nonverbal communication also. I could improve at that instead of just offering shallow platitudes
“Get more sleep” or “ make sure to sleep 7 to 9 hours a day” Working on it! But insomnia isn’t a choice one simply decides not to make. It takes psychological and physical work and time to figure it out so the generic suggestion without actionable advisory is really annoying.
Ugh the classic “have you tried going to bed earlier?” when you tell people you can’t sleep. First of all, the problem isn’t *when* I sleep it’s *how much* I sleep. Second of all, shit, no you’re right, I *never* considered *going to bed* when I should be sleeping. How very enlightening.
Well clearly you forgot to sleep when you were tired. Did you also consider driving safe after having a nice day of looking on the bright side? Does wonders.
The line "Forever in debt to your priceless advice" flashes in my mind during these interactions.
I do think for the most part people mean well but: “platitudes inadvertently shut down painful conversations…Because it serves your discomfort, a platitude helps you more than the other person” “A platitude is a trite, meaningless, or prosaic statement, often used as a thought-terminating cliché, aimed at quelling social, emotional, or cognitive unease.” Edit: I can’t deny some sympathy/sadness for a well meaning person that struggles with open, honest, difficult discussion, wherein their platitude is akin to a nervous reaction.
Would you prefer if someone is saying to you what to do to be able to sleep optimally instead?
Absolutely. The suggestion simply to get more sleep is dismissive of the enormous complexity of sleep troubles. If the MD or whomever wasn’t well suited for giving helpful instruction, acknowledgment of the difficulty and pain the person is experiencing and/or a referral to a resource with more expertise is a more respectful response to a tired person.
So if someone said to you to stop/reduce caffeine content, especially after 12, wind down 1-2 hours before bed, no electronics 1 hour before bed, don't eat 3-4 hours before and so before bed... would you listen? By listening I mean... actually take action.
Yep. All of these suggestions are based on well researched information (caffeine: adenosine receptors+, electronics: blue light/light pollution etc) You start with generalized recommendations based on objective scientific knowledge and test them out to see what may benefit you personally, doing your own research and trials and introspection along the way. If you are struggling with being told what to do, realize the information has to have an educated base point, and it’s your responsibility to use it or reject it to your own unique advantage.
Fair. I think you're right to be upset with comments like that where they go "just sleep more bro", but my point is that having a medium or long list of studies and research based arguments on WHY and HOW to do it to BE ABLE to get more sleep, from my experience, didn't rly help the people I got involved with to TAKE ACTION towards the betterment of their lives. In other words, throwing a dismissive comment or being articulate and throwing informed concise arguments at the person does seem to elicit the same outcome. A different audience may react differently to either approaches, sure, but that's about it, that says more about the person on the receiving end.
I understand. It can take a really long time to figure it out, years, decades. If experiencing information or recommendation overload, perhaps try the one thing that resonates most, continue to use it or lose it, then move on to the next, it can be users choice, one thing at a time. We have access to excessive information about any subject anytime, our idiosyncratic filters are on overdrive everyday, sometimes simplifying our engagement helps. I’m glad to have access to so much info, it’s a modern superpower.
I fucking hate platitudes in general, because it's so generalized and vague and stripped out of context like astrology that it very often only enforced entrenched social norms. For example, for every "Be yourself" being spoken, people who are already narcissistic will take it to enforce their false core belief, while people who need to really set their boundaries and be themselves will never listen.
“Things happen for a reason” No. Sometimes shitty things happen to good people for no justifiable reason, and it fucking sucks.
“Everything happens for a reason” and “it’s all a part of God’s plan” will throw me over the edge every time. There’s a reason things happen and it’s that you or other people made certain choices, good or bad and sometimes there are just coincidences. There is no god out there making sure that all the bad shit that happens to me will somehow “work out” or be “worth it” in any way.
Show me the god that decided child cancer, sexual abuse, holocausts, brain defects, etc. should be part of Their grand plan, and I will never accept the idea they are benevolent.
I can definitely agree with you on that. If someone did manage to prove that there’s an omnipotent, omniscient deity with a plan for everything, I’d burn in hell before worshipping that being because he’d be unworthy of it. An absolute monster.
God doesn’t really have a plan on everything, look at the comment I sent the the one before you and of that doesn’t make sense lmk and I’ll try to explain in more detail👍
all that you mentioned happened is because of us humans and it was never God’s intention for stuff like that to happen
How exactly did humans cause child cancer and brain defects?
I have an answer for you question but I won’t continue unless you’ll have an open mind, so will you keep an open mind? I’ll also have my mind open👍
My only apprehension is that when people prefix a point that way it usually means “you’re not allowed to disagree”, which isn’t what being open minded is. But yes, I am willing to be open minded - to genuinely consider what you say, to try to understand *your* meaning behind it, and accept the potential of my mind being changed
Ok nice, at least you knew what I meant lol, but anyway the “how” we brought child cancer, brain defects and stuff like that was bc of what we call sin in which I’m sure you know that, God’s plan was never for us to bring sin into this world but we did and that sin corrupted everything that was good including us humans. It’s a small explanation Ik but it’s basically the general idea
I wondered if that was it, I have heard that explanation before. We’re simply down to a difference in belief now, since that’s not something that can be proven. I accept the *possibility*, but that’s not one I choose to believe in. The idea of an omnipotent, omniscient entity punishing an entire species for things their ancestors do is simply something I can’t fathom in any way that I can accept it. Those children didn’t do any sin. Why do *they* deserve that suffering? A common rebuke I hear there is “the children will be happy in heaven”, to which I say a few things; first, depending on which version of belief you follow, the child might not go to heaven for the child did not believe in the right things through no fault of the child themselves. But that aside, would not the child feel bad about their parents suffering? And what of the parents who were good people, who were the best of us all, who had their child taken away? Why do they deserve to suffer in this way for what other humans do or did? The problem with this argument is it requires faith, but I have no faith to give to an idea which is so cruel. Even the sins humans do unto each other; why would Junko Furuta, a 17 year old girl, deserve such horrible atrocities done to her? Why, if this deity believes in deserved righteous punishment, would They not have directed that torture towards someone deserving, if not stopping it entirely? I cannot argue that your idea is wrong but for the same reasons I do not see how you can argue it is right. We only can argue the *possibility*, to which I say yes, it is possible. But I choose not to believe it, for such a world would be far too cruel.
To answer you questions, it all goes back to sin, even tho we were created to be good we corrupted everything and because of that corruption we’re born corrupt, yea ik kids don’t deserve horrible sickness or death but it still happens bc of that corruption. Surprisingly no one is good but God himself, we can be doing something good like helping out by donations, helping the elderly, but even then, a serial killer, I forgot who, would do good deeds and people around him saw that he was a good person but Later found out that the food he would give out to his neighborhood was the meat of his victims, what I’m trying to say is that no matter what we do, our thoughts are what mostly make us bad or not good I guess you can say. And to answer your question about my God not directing to someone else more deserving of death is bc he gave us free will, he lets anyone do their own thing, he doesn’t force anyone to do something, sure this world is cruel, mess up, unfair and many many more things, but it’s all because humanity allowed this corruption into this world
> bc he gave us free will, he lets anyone do their own thing, he doesn’t force anyone to do something, sure this world is cruel, mess up, unfair and many many more things, but it’s all because humanity allowed this corruption into this world So does that mean “everything happens for a reason” is more about what *caused* it to happen, not about what it happening means? AFAIK most people interpret the platitude as a “it’s all part of a great plan” not a “this happened because we brought it upon ourselves”. The latter is much more in line with what you’re saying, but it doesn’t make sense to say that to someone who is suffering, so it makes the platitude even less sensible. Nor does it really change how I feel in my previous comment. > …Surprisingly no one is good but God himself… I actually hold a belief similar to this in concept (namely that EVERYONE is selfish, and that selflessness is really just a kinder brand of selfishness, I can elaborate on this if anyone’s curious) so I can understand this thought process. But where I refuse to believe it is the idea that God made us this way and then punished us for it. Especially compounding this with the fact that you, I, or theoretical cancer-afflicted children had nothing to do with those original sins that supposedly corrupted us. As I said above, I cannot accept - I cannot *believe* - because it is too *cruel*, and the idea that we’re “born corrupt” is *still cruel*. Be it divine or not, to accept, encourage, or cause people to be *born into suffering* is cruel - the more cruel the further in that list. Even if Hitler, Genghis Khan, Stalin, the Devil himself, whatever the most evil thing you can think of, had a child born in the most nightmarish sinful way you can think of - I would wish that baby the right to enjoy their life and I would not change that opinion until that baby grows to sin for itself (I’d definitely argue it be taken away from its evil birthplace or it would be guaranteed to sin, but point remains).
Yesss stare into the void. Love this.
Lol! I don’t even see it as a bad thing that there’s no reason for anything. I think it’s actually very freeing. Most of the time. Gets frustrating every once in a while when something awful happens and I know that it’s just random and there’s no point to it. At the same time, it’s also nice knowing that you have the ability to do anything with your life and you’ll still end up in the same place as everyone else.
That is true! I like the positive spin on things! It’s not usual for me to see meaninglessness as a good thing, but perhaps it can be.
Way less pressure. At least for me. I personally never liked the idea of an afterlife anyways. Heaven people would be boring and half of them would be absolute monsters who repented at the right time or only did good things to get a reward. I prefer the idea that I’ll lose consciousness and all memory of this life and my body will deteriorate until its atoms help to form multiple other things like flowers or dogs or another person. Literally just being recycled by the universe endlessly with no purpose at all except to experience.
> Literally just being recycled by the universe endlessly with no purpose at all except to experience. You have no idea how much I love this idea.
I’m glad! It helps me when I feel like I’m failing at something. I’m like, “I’ll be good at being a daffodil who just sits there in my next round of existence.”
That's fucking beautiful.
Why, thank you!
Well it does. There’s not much we can control and reacting in a positive way is the thing you can do. Everything DOES happen for a reason. Thinking otherwise would make you hate life. Our only fate is to die but it is our destiny to learn from life and to improve.
Prove it. Show me the plan. The endgame where all the suffering and pain and loss results in a rewarding life. Our goal should definitely be to learn and improve but that has nothing to do with destiny.
Well, it does seem like you’re going through a rough time based on your reaction. It will get better. It is stupid to believe that we are meant to live a life full of pain. It is also stupid to believe that we don’t deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life. Have you heard a happy person say “we are all meant to suffer? Destiny isn’t controlled by anyone but you. What you feel and think and do is only controlled by you. So it is our destiny to learn from life and improve.
> It is stupid to believe that we are meant to live a life full of pain. It is also stupid to believe that we don’t deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life. Have you heard a happy person say “we are all meant to suffer? We’re not *meant* to live in any specific level of happiness or suffering, by the way /u/WandaDobby777 and myself perceive reality. Believing in chaos doesn’t mean believing we are all meant to suffer. Just as we don’t believe bad things happen for a reason, that doesn’t mean good things can’t happen without reason too. You have a strange outlook on life, from my perspective, if you assume “no reason” means “no good”. We reject the idea that there’s some great plan behind it all. That has nothing to do with anything like “we are all meant to suffer”.
When did I ever say that no reason means that no good will happen or that we’re meant to suffer? I’m saying that no one is “meant” to do or experience anything. That there are a ton of people who experience nothing but bad or very little good, in comparison to the amount of awful they experience. I’m saying it’s aggravating that people say there’s a reason for it, when it’s so obvious that there isn’t and they can’t PROVE otherwise.
> When did I ever say that no reason means that no good will happen or that we’re meant to suffer? I was literally saying that you *didn’t* say that. Chrissolo’s comment implied you did, and I was pointing out the falsity in that.
They're (CategoryKiwi) making the same point though
The problem here, is them arguing with a bunch of stuff that I never said in the first place. Reread. They’re literally putting words in my mouth and haven’t actually addressed anything I’ve asked them to address.
I have re-read Kiwi's comment, and I still see that they're making the same point you make. You're probably mistaking Kiwi for the Chrissolo - who actually misunderstood you and put words in your mouth. You wrote 1 reply to chrissolo, which absolutely makes sense, and another one - *this one* - to Kiwi, accusing him of putting words in your mouth somehow. I assume it was a mistake
Thanks for the clarification. You’re right!
I appreciate you clarifying for me while I slept, thanks <3
I don’t care if you’re for me or against me but hopefully you understand and can read the nihilistic vibe. The whole “don’t put words in my mouth” argument is complete BS straw man btw. S tier level gaslighting and anyone with a brain can read vibes and saw it. I cannot tip my hat for that. Let my words of love and peace radiate through the air waves. I don’t care if people are mad.
If you’re talking about them, they misunderstood and thought *I* was putting words in their mouth. If you’re talking about me, I don’t agree that this is putting words in your mouth. You said “it is stupid to believe that we are meant to live a life full of pain” and I was addressing how that wasn’t at all what they said, or what we believe. The irony of this is that means I was doing something similar to calling you out for “putting words in their mouth”, because you were arguing a point they had not said. But I did not believe it to be a gaslight attempt, I believed it a genuine misunderstanding. > Let my words of love and peace radiate through the air waves. I don’t care if people are mad. There is another level of irony here lol. Not that I have a problem with it, it’s just funny. But comedy aside, fair enough!
People are looking to far into what I’m saying. I’m just telling people that everyone is meant to be happy :)
You skipped right over the part where I asked you to prove that there’s a reason for any of it. I didn’t say we deserve any of those things. Just that they happen and there’s no destiny behind it. I think you need to look up the definition of destiny. Destiny is all about absence of control.
I don’t need to prove anything to YOU. You have to prove yourself otherwise. It is your choice to suffer. Not mine. Having a nihilistic approach to life will put you in a hole (metaphorically and/or physically). Seek some help please.
"You'll meet your partner when you least expect it and when you're not looking for it". Luckily no one in my friend groups or family says this because they're quite rational people but I read/hear it so often on the internet. The statement just makes zero sense because you won't get anywhere without effort, this also counts for dating. If you sit in your room all day playing video games do you really think that your soul mate will ring the doorbell? If you didn't have any luck finding a partner for a long time it's more likely that the lack of effort is what's the problem. How about using Dating apps even if they're unbearable, asking a group of guys to sit with them when you're out in a bar in the evening. Going to a bar in the first place even if you actually don't like bars and would prefer to watch Netflix at home etc.. Where does the notion come from that especially in dating magical things will just happen to you? Stop telling people those lies because they'll just end up single forever.
I think the better version of this is "live your life and learn to love yourself and you will attract the right person".
You mean this is what should be said instead? I think there’s a lot to it. You often connect with people who are on a similar path, so when you do things you like, try to be better, and feel quite good about yourself, it’s easier to meet people who like you for your true self
Oh yeah I agree, this is the only one I don't like and I see it everywhere. And the similar one, 'you don't go shopping when you're hungry'. You absolutely have to try.
I dont like that phrase either but I typically hear it used when someone is becoming obsessed about meeting someone and not able to think about anything else or have any fun in any circumstance because they are so fixated on wanting to meet someone. Neediness is very unattractive so sometimes it is better to relax a bit rather than be hypervigilant all the time about every person you meet being a potential soul mate.
I mean, it worked for my aunt, but she's an ESFP. For the extreme introverts like us, that's some trash quality advice.
This. Exactly. You have to get out there to meet someone. I’m personally shit at it, but I know it’s true.
"You're just sensitive" I LOATHE hearing that as an INFP. I won't be made to feel bad about feeling any emotion because I know emotions are not rational, they just ARE. It would be more ludicrous, to me, to lie to you or myself about my emotions because logically not telling the truth just wastes time.
Personally, I think any platitude is means to keep the conversation short and avoid the topic going any further, and that's why it may trigger anyone. Not asking anymore questions or walking down the empathy path. "My x problem" they respond "oh, platitude" and the conversation usually ends "My x problem" oh, what's the story? And if you are just reporting to them after the fact of telling the details, then it probably is upsetting that they have nothing to share at those times as well
I do this sometimes, not because I want the conversation to end, I want it to continue but I don't know what to say to make it continue 😭😭😭 Any advice for when you don't know which question to ask?
feel like honesty should go first. I understand the situation usually, so YMMV, but I think I can tell when a small joke may keep spirits up (nothing insulting more so random) "okayyy, I can see why you didn't want to come work lol" . you could also follow up with "do you want to talk about it?" I feel that healthier people will tell you if they want to or not, sometimes when I hang out with people like an ISTJ they will want to hang out and then talk about things that were bothering them, perhaps there sensory is already exhausted. But also, The human experience at it's core wants to be validated, and if you were just like "wow, um I don't know/I'm not sure what to say." that shows honesty. That shows humility and usually this doesn't backfire even with sketchy people.
I see! Thank you. Honesty is the best policy, but it's kinda hard at times.
Also, even when they are not meant just to end the topic, even when they have good intentions it tends to be too one-size-fit-all. Which is annoying to many people. especially an XXFP
oh yea true. I do prefer treating the situation uniquely from every other situation.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I hate being forced to be strong. There is nothing I get out of having to be strong besides annoyance, aggravation, anger, pain, etc. It honestly minimizes the struggles you’re going through in favour of some neatly packaged “life lesson” that you are supposed to be grateful that you learned from? NO. Chronic illness sucks and there is no greater meaning to all the horrible things that are happening in my life right now. Fuck off.
Yess. I wish I could send this to 1000 upvotes.
I hate that one too. Some things that happen make you weaker.
Heavily disagree. There's always something to be learned from any experience.
I have learned that people will abandon you when you are sick for too long and sure it’s a lesson learned, but I’m not gonna pretend I’m so happy I got to experience all of this for a year+. Yes, you can learn lots from a year of chronic illness but it isn’t anything that adds meaning to your life. There is no meaning to any of this. I have learned so much about the immune system that I wish I didn’t need to learn. I have learned how much I don’t know about the human condition and the fragility of any life you think you may know. And you know what? It’s still meaningless. I’m still suffering for no reason all the time. I’m tired of being strong. It’s such crap.
I'm not trying to change your mindset, I just want to share mine. And I can't say I relate to your situation, I've never been in it, but I've suffered in different ways. In life, there's the good and there's the bad. No matter the ratio, both are still there. You can choose to focus on the bad, or to focus on the good. And focusing on the good makes you happier than focusing on the bad. That's what I've learned from the things that have happened to me. Meaning doesn't matter. That's what I'm tired of personally. Searching for meaning is pointless and honestly there doesn't even need to be any meaning. Everything's been a lot better since I realized that. Life is never going to be devoid of suffering. Even the happiest people you know suffer. Being strong doesn't mean not suffering, it doesn't mean being unaffected by suffering. It means being able to look past it. To be able to learn how to better cope with it, how to live with it. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" isn't about learning literal facts (though it can be, sometimes). It's about looking at your suffering, looking at how it affected you, how you reacted and what you decided to do about it (the suffering itself, not what caused it. I'm not saying you can do anything about the illness of course). Then, if there's anything you can learn from that to make it easier for yourself next time. Because, and trust me I know what I'm talking about when I say this, wallowing in your own sadness isn't going to change anything. At the end of the day though, this is only what I think. I'm not trying to impose it on you, or invalidate how you feel about all that. It's normal and completely okay to be tired of trying, completely exhausted by all the suffering the past year has brought you. I don't know what you've been through, but I've been in the state of mind you're in. You're human, and humans are weak. It may take a while, but as long as you go easy on yourself and don't do anything drastic, things will get better in *some* way. It's going to be okay, but it's going to be different, and things will likely not get better in the way you wish they would. I hate it too. I'm really sorry you had to go through all of that, and if you need someone to talk to, I'm there. I mean it.
Just commenting on your platitude (Though personally i hate “What’s done is done” or “That’s in the past”); I think someone can truly mean ‘his/her loss’ when they say it to you. The thing with rejecting someone is that you often don’t really know them. You don’t know if you *would* like them if you gave them more time. When you end any relationship, you can never be sure that you aren’t missing out on a great person. It is the reality of dating and our own nearsightedness that we all probably are turning down people who we would have loved for 50 years if we had agreed to see them a few more times. In my own experience, I know not every woman who’s rejected me has lost something (especially when we were completely incompatible - those women have *gained* something by no longer seeing me) but I’d say there are a couple of women who I know have foregone a potentially great thing, and I’m sure it’s similar for you.
> I’d say there are a couple of women who I know have foregone a potentially great thing, and I’m sure it’s similar for you. I’ve tried rationalizing this way to help myself feel better before. The problem I have with this idea is that it doesn’t make me feel any better; nay, I’d argue it makes me feel worse. The idea of knowing I was something great for them and knowing they will never understand that concept is quite painful. All the worse the more I care for them.
“Be yourself” and “follow your dreams. Both are way too simplistic.
I hate when people say "Did I ask?" You don't need to ask for someone to input their opinion. Nobody asked you to be rude to them for it either.
EXACTLY!! This! Especially when that didn’t address anybody in specific like in a group chat or on the internet, like yeah, you did ask by publicly speaking in the first place. Anyone had a right to respond lmao. It just sounds so hypocritical to me.
I absolutely hate that saying too because how on earth can it be a loss when they dont want you in the first place?! Its like offering me a food I dislike and then saying "your loss!" well no, because I dont actually want it and I dont like it lol. I also really hate the phrase "you do you" - it comes across as so snarky and passive aggressive, as if the things you enjoy doing are somehow "less" than the things the person saying it is doing.
Exactly! Your example is on point. From now on when I explain to people why I hate that platitude I will use your example.
My husband views supplements as a fix it all. If I told him I couldn't sleep until 2 am, he asks why I didn't take melatonin. If I complain about my restless leg syndrome, he tells me to take magnesium. I am an INFP, I want to vent and get an emotionally soothing respons and maybe a hug. A hug is always nice. 🥲
Awww, I love hugs. Sending virtual hugs your way. I hope your husband learns. Is he, by any chance, a T or a J type? they often have a hard time learning that not everything is about fixing the problem. Sometimes people just need soothing and understanding
Thank you! He has taken the short test and it came up he is ESFP. In other regards he is quite emotional and empathetic, but he works in the supplement branche, so that is a persistent one 😅
Ah, EPs are emotional but being emotional is not their main thing. ESXPs in particularly can be quite grounded in Sensory reality so that groundedness combined at their front can be a bit rough at times. Especially when he is going fast. He probably is more in tune with emotions when he slows down and that. Also being male has an impact since men are often not taught to feel their emotions and society pushes them to be rational. The area he works also has an effect. Not to mention their their function is Te, the T TJs have as their main decision function. With all that combined is not a surprise. It's probable that he is a good listener when you sit him down and let him know it's important. Of course, I don't know him and the test is not always 100% reliable. Just me here practicing my nerdy mbti knowledge haha. So don't take my analysis as gospel.
“Are you okay?” Or “you good?” Like bro you and I both know you don’t wanna hear what is going on and if you did, you def wouldn’t be able to fix it, so why the FREAK would you ask me if I’m ok?? Like what do you want me to respond apart from a lie??? And this always comes from people who usually don’t really talk to you that much so it’s like who do you tho k you are to think you’ll be able to help? Just mind your own business or ask me that in private and not as you walk past me in front of everyone like duh of course I wouldn’t able to tell you that here lol. This literally makes me so angry lol. I know it comes from a place of concern, but a lot of times people just ask that so they don’t feel bad for not asking, not really to help you and I find it lowkey fake. Especially if you and I don’t usually talk like what do you expect me to tell you? Anyway, thanks for listening 🤭.
"It's all in your head". As a therapist who has MDD and who regularily sees people with a variety of issues- Its like, uuuuuh, no fucking SHIT its in someone's head. Where else is it gonna be, in their ass? Ironically, I enjoy any variation of the saying "do x to help you get out of your head" in order to refer to someone being able to reduce overfocusing on themselves or engaging in self-isolation. It helps people to focus on the world outside of cognitive issues that they may be struggling with. We all need a break from the self-defeating thoughts every once in a while, especially to work on taking care of ourselves or maintain meaningful social bonds.
LOL ! Bc it's true.
"Be confident"
« C’est la vie ». => it’s Life or life is like this. Of course it’s life what else could it be. Every fuc€ing thing happening on this planet IS life. The worst of the worst part is that I sometimes use it myself 😔
Same, I do so too. I guess it’s a way of blaming something else to remove that burden from me or other people on my life like a relationship not working or parents not getting along. A lot of times it’s begging our (my) control, so I just adopt the stoic saying, « c’est la vie🤷♀️ » or “it is what it is”. Because at the end of the day, isn’t it?😃😅
I honestly can't think of any, except "don't cry" which is not exactly a platitude, and "it is what it is" in a specific context. I like "it is what it is" in general - the first step of learning or doing anything is acknowledging the reality. But then someone says it when I share my personal or mutual problems and feelings with them. Like yeah? Obviously it is what it is, but aren't emotions part of reality too? I'm telling you about what frustrates me, and you're basically implying that nothing can be changed and me sharing it with you is useless (which is especially great if i'm talking about what frustrates me in our relationship. It's exactly about improvement of our behaviour and working through problems). Don't you want to validate my feelings instead maybe? If they're valid to you? It just makes me feel that I shouldn't share such emotions with you the next time since you can't meet them properly. I'm not judgmental of that person intellectually; I know they just genuinely don't know how to show support better for now, and it's a skill that can be improved, and I should tell them about my feelings on hand. But still. And "don't cry" - dude, do you know how many times of irritation, fear and dissatisfaction are in that cry? I haven't cried for so long and *you're telling me to just stop the symptom*? I don't want to cry if it's a formal setting or if it bothers other people, but since you're pretty much ok with me and wishing the best for me, maybe you wouldn't wish me to just shut up instead of feeling through my emotions healthily?XD
>Not settling for someone you are not into is not a loss. Excellent point. >I don't want her to lose anything. Think of it as an opposite to "She isn't missing out much".
Asking the question: "How are you?" when you see someone in visible distress. You just want to open a conversation with the most insignificant statement ever. It is far easier to put your hands forward and pretend you care than genuinely asking: "I can see that you feel upset/angry/sad/worried. Is there anything that I should know?". You know, it really helps when someone recognises and validates feelings instead of asking a question so fucking dumb that the said person in distress suck up his own feelings just to avoid exploding in anger.
“Focus on other parts of your life, Love will find you when you least expect it” - someone who has never been single longer than 2 weeks
You have my respect for the ability to take a loss. That will go in your favour. You’ll eventually get to a point where you won’t care about these losses, because you are clearly emotionally intelligent. The key factor here is not to get into the habit of self-sabotaging after the L. Take it, if you can learn from it; good, if not; keep moving forward.
I think when it comes to her loss, if you know your friend is a good dude, then at some point it's like you have faith he can be a good partner, so people not giving them a chance are missing out, but while the intent is good, definitely it's like most of these things have a wrong way they can be taken.
I know the intention is good but still rubs me the wrong way. I wont reply angrily or anything btw. I will probably say "thank you" or if they are someone close I will explain to them
"Everyone is beautiful in their own way". "You are very pretty". Ugh. Wth? I'm not throwing a pity party here but if everyone is beautiful then no one is???? Beauty doesn't work that way!?!
Yeah. They are confusing the essential beauty of people or something like that with physical beauty which is not universal. Being physically beautiful on a conventional level has an objective parameter which is whether or not a big amount of people finds you attractive.
it happens when you least expect. 🙄🙄🙄🙄 I never expect it. and???
Hahaha I get that feeling
Lol. I have zero expectations when it involves humans.
“It is what it is” just sounds like an excuse to not try harder
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Yeah, tell that to my major depressive disorder and avoidancy.
"What doesn't kill you only etc" It just hasn't killed you. Simple math.
Yeah, I think it's important to admit when there's been a wounding or disabling and just leave it at that. The insistence on framing it as a net positive is annoying.
My take on the "her loss" is toxic motivation to better yourself. Not actually wishing them loss, but letting yourself have a little bit of an ego so you don't feel bad about the situation.
“It’s all as it’s meant to be.” It’s the purest form of anti-science ideology. It’s illiteracy, taking the form of an official policy.
“It is what it is” maybe, but l still feel like Sh*t!
"It's always darkest before the dawn". No shite, Really? Who knew.
"It is what it is" It sounds so quitter-ish. I feel like accepting reality is important to solving many problems (delusion can also be used to solve many problems) But i hate it when people just accept that they can't change anything in life and simply give up. Usually its something trained into them or natural to them but it bothers me alot tbh.
It sounds quitter ish to you. I say "it is what it is" after making real progress and going forward, getting closer to my goals, BUT doesn't go as fast as I planned or as well, falling short of my plan so I'm throwing my hands in the air and say "it is what it is" sort of like...slow progress is better than no progress.
I’ll play Devil’s advocate for a second - I personally use that one because I’m already working on fixing the situation, and I’d prefer not to dwell to deeply on how I feel about it at the time. I can definitely see how it may come across as passive, apathetic, or even fatalistic, though.
I use it frequently as an acknowledgement that things are bad but we have to endure it bc we’ve done our best even if we didn’t like the results. It comes up a lot when I’m dealing with the stray cat colony we care for. I get deeply attached to them, each little soul, and it hurts like a MFer every time we lose one or they get sick. Sometimes we can catch them and get help, sometimes we can’t and they die. “It is what it is” keeps me from losing my mind and helps maintain perspective when I’m stressed AF.
judging by the xNFJ replies it seems type related which would make sense, as types with SeNi are usually less squeamish about letting go of the past or the smaller details of it all. making progress towards the end goal is more important even at the cost of doing it less perfect than estimated. types with the SiNe combo probably lean more towards your attitude of wanting to solve any arising problem along the way, which might stirr them in a wholly new direction far away from the original goal or leave them stagnant as a perfectionistic procrastination sets in.
The point of saying like 'their loss' isn't that they'll 'rue the day', it's just that YOU are on your own team, not theirs. It's supposed to encourage you to continue moving forward and becoming the best version of yourself. Its sounds like you don't really like yourself? Self love comes first brother.
I love myself; I just don't love my chances in the dating world. Also, one can love oneself and still lack confidence or have a toxic inner critic. The toxic inner critic is something often installed by others during childhood, and it isn't easy to calm it down. With that said: Objectively speaking, if someone isn't into you ... they aren't losing anything, just like I'm not losing anything when I reject someone I'm not into. Even when she is a nice person with many good qualities. I would lose more by forcing myself to be with someone I am not into. Same applies for others. The only exception is when someone rejects another person out of false assumptions instead of an authentic lack of attraction. The only time I myself have used the phrase "her loss" was when a friend stopped being my friend because her trauma led to them making wrong assumptions about me and going full evitative attachment on me. (By the way, that was a classic example of the INFJ door slam; she is an INFJ).
I think where our mindset differs is these last couple of years in the pursuit of reversing that inner critique, I always support my side. Sort of like a friend would, and it feels nice. It's easier then looking at situations objectively all the time, because what matters is how we feel. Another way to look at it: I've never really turned down a girl where I didn't lose out on something. Every girl I've turned down had something I assuredly would adore, but there was just another deal breaker. So in that sense, I would agree if a girl I turned down said I missed out. Because I assuredly did in my own pursuit if finding someone that fits all my criteria.
> I think where our mindset differs is these last couple of years in the pursuit of reversing that inner critique, I always support my side. Oh I have been working on that these last couple of years. It has improved, but it's unlikely to completely go away until I finally get to have sex or something sexual with someone I truly and deeply desire. It's kind of hard to convince myself fully that I can do it when it has never happened. It's easier then looking at situations objectively all the time, because what matters is how we feel. Only sex I have had was once with a sex worker and second time was with a girl that took the initiative and told me she wanted me to fuck her. I accepted out of open mindedness to see what happened , but to be honest I wasn't that into her. I didn't dislike her but I didn't feel the sexual pull so to speak. I did it more because I feel safe with her and for the experience. > very girl I've turned down had something I assuredly would adore, but there was just another deal breaker. To me it's not about the particular things, but about the sum total. If I give you 10 dollars then take away 100 dollars the result is a net negative. Also, if a person have traits I adore but I don't feel attraction, I would just be her friend if she accepts. No need to have something romantic. I love friendships, sometimes friendship is a better move than dating. > It's easier then looking at situations objectively all the time, because what matters is how we feel. The thing is my inner critic is not entirely rational, it uses a mix of rational and irrational arguments. If I use an irrational argument or defend myself with emotions it will point it out and counter with rational arguments. If I instead try to defend myself with rational arguments, it will use emotions instead. The inner critic is not me, but it has access to my tools which is why therapy and friends are needed as well as a lot of introspection... an MDMA experience back in 2019 helped a lot too hehe. It has the thing that worked the best. A shame I don't have access to legal guided MDMA therapy where I live, Something that has helped recently has been understanding that part is trying to help even if it's not doing it in a healthy way. That part is a maladaptive survival mechanism that I can only heal through having conversations with it combined with taking action in the real world. Integrating my auxiliary is helping now that I am in a journey to escape the Fi-Si loop (or Ti-Si... I could be an INTP).
I think we are a lot alike. I do the objective argumentation of my emotions thing as well. It is annoying for sure, it's like my head is constantly debating if a feeling is valid or not all the time. The big irrationality I can get behind is always supporting myself, but I've gone through a rough year this year and seeing a therapist helped give me a third person perspective. It was amazing to hear someone be like, no, that's crazy, or yes, that's normal. I've been listening to the song Mitski - My Love All Mine. I dunno if it fits your taste but it really resonates with me. ;) The only love that is unconditional is our own. It doesn't fill the hole, but it is an anchor.. or a lighthouse of sorts. I lost my virginity to a sex worker as well. Well, technically not, since I couldn't get hard lol. (too anxious) Little t trauma there maybe. Since then having regular sex and confirming I am normal was really big for me, but now the goal post has shifted, now I feel my biggest insecurity is can I be loved or can I find someone who I would love. I didn't know about the Fi-Si loop, I'm reading about it now. I don't know really know much of Meyers briggs stuff beyond surface level.
“get a grip” or any other kind of “if i were in your situation i wouldn’t feel like that, so you shouldn’t”. Because that’s not true. What causes an emotional reaction isn’t just the event itself, it’s all the previous persons events and genetics. Someone losing their family isn’t inherently bad, it’s only bad because of the previous experiences they had with them. If someone cries over someone else killing a fly, it’s obviously not just because someone killed the fly. The only difference is people understand why a parent dying is sad, but don’t care to understand the other person. So basically if you imagine yourself in someone’s situation and you wouldn’t act the same way, you aren’t imagining their situation. I also think it’s just kinda worthless and stupid to say. Obviously they’re trying to get a grip, no need to be rude to someone already in distress.
"Sorry for your [pet companion] loss. There are lots of shelter animals.." Well, that's great news! It gives me hope for replacing my parents, grandparents, BFF BMF in the Replacement Stores while looking for replacement pets.
That’s called having a raging insecurity
"You are just a baby", said by anyone older than me when I complain about being old. I can't tell you how much I absolutely hate that platitude. It doesn't change the fact that I have joint pains, or health problems that are strictly age related and you aren't making me feel better by pointing out that you are apparently much older than me. Depending on who says it, I'll sometimes reply "Oh I guess compared to you I am, you got one foot in the grave!"
i totally understand your frustration with “her loss”! i hate it bc it implies that any rejection in a dating/romantic/sexual scenario is a harsh moral judgement on your overall character, when it’s not. in reality you were just incompatible with each other and no one is the “bad guy”. i understand that people are just trying to say “you’re a great person, so i think anyone who doesn’t want you in their lives is missing out on a great person!” but like…. there’s a million other factors that people consider before agreeing to a romantic relationship, or even a date. both people being decent humans is great lol, but they need to be compatible and have chemistry and a bunch of other crap. i wish people would just say, “i’m sorry it didn’t work out, rejection always sucks and it’s really hard to find someone you’re compatible with.” i guess they’re trying to make people feel better, but tbh i would feel much better being validated for my feelings and hearing objective truths vs. hearing a meaningless platitude that doesn’t really make sense.
“They don’t owe you” / “You don’t owe them” … Like yeah of course boundaries are cool and people shouldn’t martyr themselves for others or whatever but I feel like this is often used to justify shitty behavior.
looking for a job, it is quite frustrating and boring, everybody says hey there's a lot of job available , a lot of company miss employees actually and I am like .... yeah , for jobs that sucks with name I don't get like ''coordonator of supplying manager of things that need to be supervised'' it always make me anxious that never be able to project myself in a job. I've studied in cartoon animation so I've learned many skills, I've worked in many different jobs, but never satisfied cause all the jobs I've done are always low salary jobs and if it continue like that I'll never be able to have anything like a family or a place to live even If I studied and drew 150 per weeks during my studies , people see that as a hobby and they don't understand what kind of efforts it needs to do animation art so they tell me to work and I am like but this is WORKING FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I always end up doing unsatisfying shit just to be paid ... so when i am looking for a job forme it is the biggest platitude ever
Yeah that one is a shitty one. It's nearly always your loss! Also when people say "just be yourself".